#I’ve been wanting to post broken nose andy for a while now but I just didn’t know when

[motley-cunt]

bonked

[choicesfanatic86]

Through The Storm: Part 3

DISCLAIMER:      All characters belong to Pixelberry Studios, except characters  unique to my story.  Those belong to me. ;)

PAIRINGS:  Riley (MC) x OC, Riley (MC) x Liam, Liam x Riley (MC) x OC, Olivia x Drake, Bertrand x Savannah, Maxwell x OC

SUMMARY: Riley Lawson returned to New York a broken version of herself after a failed whirlwind romance.  Years later, she has put the past behind her and rebuilt herself into a successful event planner who is happily enjoying her fast-paced New York lifestyle.  However, just because she’s put the past behind her, doesn’t mean it won’t come back to haunt her.  When an unexpected letter turns up on her doorstep, she’s forced to face the people and feelings she ran away from all those years ago.

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06/09/2020 - Part 3 is up! I hope you enjoy this revitalized version.  As a FYI, as I post a new part of the revamped version, I will be taking down the old chapter.  This is just so that people won’t get confused between the revamped version and the original version.

                                          PART 3 - Here We Go

Please Come.  The words stared back at me as I read the tiny slip of paper over and over again.  He wanted me to come back.  Apparently, he also wanted me to email him.  I smirked.  He knew of my aversion to telephone conversations.  He probably figured I’d be more willing to email him than to actually pick up the phone and call him.  Reading his email address, I couldn’t help but giggle softly.  He was still as childish as ever.  Of course he would still have the same ridiculous email address.  He’s Maxwell.  All the anxiety and apprehension that had been troubling me seemed to fade away.  Then again, when Maxwell was involved, it always seemed to fade away.

“So, who’s getting married?”  Andy asked, interrupting me from my thoughts.  She tried to lean over to get a better glimpse of the invitation in my hands.

“Maxwell’s brother, Bertrand.”  I smiled, scanning over the beautiful calligraphy.  “Bertrand Beaumont, Duke of Ramsford cordially invites you to the celebration of his marriage to Lady Savannah Walker at the Beaumont Estate on Saturday, May 5th.  Formal attire required. ” I recited the perfectly proper wording off of the invitation.  “I would expect no less of the Duke of Ramsford.”  I snorted.

“It sounds so stuffy.”  Andy crinkled her nose.  “Are all of Cordonia’s people like that?”

“Well, if you met Bertrand, you’d understand,” I chuckled.  “He’s all about all things prim, proper, and respectable.  He’s a traditionalist through and through.”

“He sounds like a bore,” Andy said, shaking her head.  “So, are all of them like that?  That Maxwell guy you mentioned?” Andy pressed on.

I shook my head, thinking about Maxwell and Drake.  “Not everyone.”  I smirked.  “The groom’s brother, Maxwell, he’s anything but boring.  If anything, he keeps everyone on their toes with his crazy antics,” I laugh to myself thinking of his break-dance moves and the countless Beaumont bashes.  “The bride’s brother, Drake, he’s as common as they come, and he is probably the most down to earth fellow in all of court.  He really looked out for me while I was there.  He was such a genuinely decent guy.  Court is hard for commoners.”  

I bit on my lower lip recalling all of the hardships that I had encountered at court.  “Most nobles only care about titles and wealth.  Drake had neither, so it made him an outsider.”  I frowned a little.  “Just like me.”  

“Well, I’m happy you had someone who knew what you were going through while you were there.   Court seems like a pretty lonely place.”  Andy said decisively.  She paused for a moment before continuing.  “That being said, maybe you should think about going.”

My head snapped up.  “What?”

Andy reasoned, “You know …time heals all wounds and all that jazz.  It might be good for you to go back and get some closure.”

“I have closure,” I said in exasperation.  “I just figured out how to move on with my life . . . I don’t need to go stirring things up again,” I said firmly.

“Hear me out for a second,” Andy said.  

I suddenly couldn’t breathe again.  I looked at Andy as I paced around the living room.  I suddenly felt betrayed.  I had just spilt my heart out to her . . . telling her how tough court had been . . . how broken I became . . . and after all that she still thought it was a good idea for me to go back there?

“They obviously want you to come back.  You say you have closure, but what about them?  Maybe they need closure, too.  From the sounds of it, even though you keep saying this is all in your past, it’s still having a pretty big effect on you.  I’ve never seen you like this.  We’ve been roommates for over a year now, and you have been a pillar of strength.  But Ri, I’m starting to see some cracks in that pillar,” she said softly.  

”What are you talking about?” I questioned angrily.

“You get this invitation and suddenly all hell breaks loose.  Sweetie, you’re a hot mess right now.  And if you get like this over a simple wedding invitation, Lord only knows how you were when you first came back to New York.”  Andy gently continued.  “You are not doing okay, Ri.  Something is obviously bothering you and I think you need to go back there and figure it out.” 

I shook my head like a maniac.  “No way,” I said as I quickened my pace walking around the living room.  “Are you insane?  I haven’t seen any of these people in two years.  TWO YEARS.  Plus, I left pretty much telling everyone not to talk to me ever again.  I think my exact words were to forget I ever existed,” I cried as I started to wave my hands back and forth frantically.

“Riley,” Andy started to say.

“No.  You don’t get to talk anymore.  You need to listen.” I said firmly.  “How am I supposed to go anyway?  It’s all the way in Europe … in like three weeks!  Not to mention there’s all these pre-wedding festivities listed here that request the pleasure of my attendance.  It’s going to be galas and parties and rubbing elbows with all the people that tried to ruin me,” I rambled.  “I just can’t jet off to Cordonia on a whim.  I have a job.  I have the Mitchell grand opening to worry about.  Paul just got back from Boston, I doubt he’d even be able to be my plus one, and I’m certainly not going alone.  I just can’t drop everything and pretend I don’t have responsibilities.  I did that once before and it bit me in the ass.”

Andy sat on the couch staring up blankly at me.   I couldn’t blame her.  I had never flown off the handle like this before.  I watched as she stood up and grabbed me by the shoulders, pulling me into a hug.

“Calm down, okay?  I’m sorry,” she said softly.  “Obviously, this place . . . these people did a number on you, and I was wrong to push.  I know this is hard, and it’s probably something you never thought you’d have to deal with, but from everything you just said, you are clearly not over everything that went down way back when.  Don’t you owe it to yourself to officially close this chapter of your life?”

I blinked rapidly, processing her words.  “It has been closed for two years,” I whispered angrily.  “What are you a psych major now?” I muttered.  I closed my eyes, kicking myself for taking my frustrations out on Andy.  I know she didn’t deserve it.  She had only been trying to help.

“Andy, I’m sorry.  I’ve just … lost my damn mind.”  I grabbed the invitation and threw it on the coffee table, staring at it as if that alone would will it away somehow.  “You’re right . . . I’ve worked so hard to forget about Cordonia and the people I met there, that I never really took the time to really sort everything out.  But I’m in a good place now, and I’d hate for all the progress I’ve made in moving on to get thrown out the window,” I exhaled deeply.

“Well, what do you want to do?” Andy asked.  “What does your gut say?”

“To throw that thing in the trash and forget it even got delivered.” I said firmly, even though I knew that was impossible.  That invitation had seared itself into my brain.  There was no way I could forget about it now.

Andy snorted, clearly thinking my plan was ridiculous.

“I told you, ignorance is bliss.”  My phone dinged with a text message from Paul. I breathed a sigh of relief.  “Look, I gotta go.  Paul just got into a cab and he’s on his way to Russo’s.” I explained.  “I love you for worrying about me, but I’m fine.  Okay?”

She looked at me in disbelief.

“All right, I’m not fine, but I will be,” I said with certainty.

“Go touch up your make up,” Andy relented.  “You’re a blubbering mess, and I don’t want you to not look good for your date with Paul,” she said.  “Although, you could meet him dressed in a paper bag and he’d probably compliment your creativity,” she added with a little bit of an eye roll.

I couldn’t help but chuckle a little as I headed to the bathroom.  My waterproof mascara had served its purpose, and I only had a few smudges of make up here and there.  I rushed to clean myself up as quickly as I could.  I didn’t want to keep Paul waiting for too long, especially after he travelled home early just to see me.  As I rushed out the door, I could hear Andy yelling after me.

“Don’t forget to think about what I said!”

I couldn’t help but cringe.  She was never going to shut up about that damn invitation.

Once on the street, I hit the pavement running as quickly as I could.  The thing about New York was that everyone got everywhere by walking, catching the subway, or taking a cab.  I was fortunate enough to live in a pretty central area that allowed me to have access to some great restaurants and a plethora of stores.  Russo’s was only a few short blocks away.  If I hauled ass, I’d get there in ten minutes.

As I walk-ran toward the restaurant, I couldn’t help but let Andy’s words eat away at me a bit.  I should have been ecstatic about seeing Paul, but now, I had the burden of Andy’s words and the stupid invitation weighing heavily on my mind.  Was Andy right?  Should I make an effort to go?  But then, what if he was there?  Who was I kidding, of course he’d be there.  It was impossible for him to not attend Bertrand and Savannah’s wedding.  Could I handle seeing him face to face after all this time?  Could I even pretend that what we had between each other meant nothing?   I tried to push the thoughts aside as Russo’s came into view.  I wasn’t going to worry about it anymore.  I had made my decision – I wasn’t going to go.  I had Paul to think about.  And my job.  I couldn’t just drop everything to go jet setting to the Mediterranean.  New York was my life now., and Cordonia was just a really bad memory.  The invitation was getting trashed as soon as I got home.

I entered the restaurant as I attempted to quickly smooth the wayward strands of hair sticking up from my fast-paced walk.  I spotted Paul sitting in our booth.  We had come to Russo’s on our first date, and instantly fell in love with everything about the little corner restaurant.  Back then, the waiter was kind enough to seat us at the booth in the quietest area with the best view.  In the dozens of times we had come back here since, Paul would request the same table each time.  We liked to joke that we had exclusive rights to the table since we had probably sat there more than anyone else.  I know it was silly, but Paul loved the sentimentality of it all, and I’ll admit, it held some pretty fond memories for me as well.  It was where Paul had first started to piece the shattered parts of my heart back together.

My eyes met Paul as I approached closer to the booth.  Paul, as always, was meticulously dressed.  He was wearing a perfectly, tailored navy suit.  His tie was a matching He had impeccable style.  As he got up to greet me, he pulled a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers from behind his back.  As if my heart could swoon any more.  I smiled brightly and leaned in to kiss him softly on the cheek.  I didn’t deserve him.  He wrapped me in a warm embrace and I melted into him, letting the tension of the afternoon fade away.

“I’ve missed you.”  He murmured in my ear.  “Wildflowers for my wildflower,” he said as he handed me the gorgeous bouquet.

“You sir, are too much.  You just get back from your business trip, and you’re bringing me flowers?”  I shook my head smiling. “I’ve missed you too.  I’m so sorry I’m late,” I apologized as I squeezed myself into the booth.  “Andy and I got into a bit of a fight before I came here, and it just kind of set things back a bit,” I exhaled heavily.

“That doesn’t sound too promising.  What happened?” He asked in concern.

I shrugged.  “It’s not important.  I mean, things aren’t exactly resolved, but they will be when I get home,” I waved him off.  “We can talk about it later.  Right now, I just want to spend time with you and eat some amazing Italian food.”  I looked for the menu, but found that it wasn’t on the table.  My eyes shot to Paul, “Did you order already?”

He nodded.  “I just got you your usual.  Although, I probably didn’t even have to order.  Reggie knows our order by heart already.”  

“True.”  I smiled warmly at him.  See?  Perfect.  He knew absolutely everything about me.  “What did I do to deserve you?”

He grabbed my hands from across the table.  “Oh, nothing special.  You were just your endearing self.”

And just like that, all was right in the world again.  I looked down at our joined hands and realized how happy I truly was.  Why would I give all of this up for more heartbreak?  

“So, how was Boston?”  I asked, as I pulled a slice of bread from the basket.

“Terrible.” He growled.  “I wish I never had see that city again.  Well … not so much the city, just most of the people ithere.  Plus, there have been so many headaches with the McCullough merger.  It’s a nightmare.  Truly.  No one wants to budge.  Looks like we’re going to have to meet a few more times before we come to even some semblance of a deal.”

“That’s too bad.  Hopefully the merger resolves quickly so that you don’t have to take too many flights back to deal with things.”  I could see the dark circles under his eyes and felt terrible.  All of the traveling back and forth was taking a toll on him, and even though he would never admit it, I’m sure it would probably be easier to just stay in Boston until everything was resolved, but he flew back and forth so that he could spend time with me.

“One can only hope.”  He agreed.  “I’m probably going to fly out there at the end of the month again.  He rubbed circles around my hand as he held it.  “But anyway, enough about McCullough.  I’ve got my best girl in front of me, and that’s all that matters now.”  He looked at me longingly.  “So ah … while we wait for our meals, I was hoping we could talk about something.  If you recall during our earlier conversation, there’s been something on my mind and I just can’t wait to talk about it.”

I sat up a bit straighter in the booth.   “Of course.  What was it that you wanted to discuss?  Is everything okay?”  

“Yes, of course.”  He smiled brightly.  “Everything’s perfect.  It’s just while I was in Boston I did some thinking.  I missed you every day.  The texts and Facetime sessions were great, but it wasn’t the same as having you by my side.”  He reached up to stroke my cheek, and I felt myself instantly flush over his gentle caresses.  “And every night I went to bed, I wished for you to be right there next to me, and then it had me thinking that maybe it’s time to take the next step.”

“The next step?” I looked at him a bit confused.  “What next step?” I asked.

“Of our relationship.” Paul broadly smiled.

I licked my lips nervously.  Next step?  As in marriage? My eyes widened a bit, and I could feel my leg bouncing nervously under the table.  Well, this escalated quickly.  Marriage wasn’t even something I thought was on the table.  At least not right now.

“Oh?” I asked, my voice a bit hoarse from being caught off guard with his suggestion.  “But don’t you like where things are at right now?  I mean, we’re pretty happy, right?”

“Well, of course.” Paul exclaimed.  "Things are going well.  Really well.  I love you, Riley, and I know you aren’t ready to say it yet, and you don’t need to … but we’ve been together for eight months now, and I know that you’re it for me.”  

I felt my mouth dry out.  Oh crap, he IS talking about marriage.  Oh my God.  I felt the heat from my anxiety rising up my neck.  I quickly let go of Paul’s hands and reached for my glass of water.  I took a large gulp.  “But we’ve only been together for eight months … how could you possibly know …” I trailed off, my face becoming hotter and hotter by the second.  There was no way I was ready for marriage.  Holy crap, I was so in like with Paul.  A lot.  I could even love him.  Someday.  Down the line.  When my heart wasn’t damaged.  He was funny and sweet and sensitive . . . but marriage?

“I’m not proposing or anything, Riley. I just think that we should start seriously thinking about moving in together.”

“Whew,” I exhaled a loud breath that I hadn’t realized I had been holding in.  As much as I cared about Paul, and enjoyed our time together . . . I hadn’t given any thought to a long-term future with him.  I loved spending time with him, and I loved our long conversations . . . but I didn’t know if I was IN love with him.  At least not yet.  And moving in with him?  God, that’s like a major step toward lifelong commitment.  Isn’t that the sort of thing you did after being together for a couple years?  “Moving in together?”  With everything that I had been dealt today, this was just the cherry on the sundae.  

“Well, yeah.  I’m not getting any younger Riley.  I’m 39.  I know I work a lot, and I’m on business trips more than I am at home, but I want a life with you.”  He reached for my hands again, gently rubbing my fingers.  I could feel my hands relax against his.  “I think moving in together will give us a whole new perspective on our relationship – it’ll bring us closer together.”

I sighed deeply.  “That’s a big step.  A very big step.”  I had missed him terribly while he was in Boston.  I missed snuggling with him, and talking to him . . . but moving in together meant being with one another all the time.  What if it ruined what we had?  

“It is, but I think it’s the right one.”  I could tell that Paul sensed my hesitation, so I tried smile a bit, but it probably came out as more of a grimace.

Paul frowned at me.  “Is it because you haven’t said you love me yet?  Is that why you’re holding back?  Because I don’t care about that.  I told you that I’m not in a rush for you to say it.  I don’t know what happened before.  I know you don’t like to talk about your past relationships, but I want you to know that I’m not like those other guys.  I will wait for as long as it takes.  I’m not going to give up on you.  I’m not going to give up on us.”

My heart flip flopped once more, and I could feel my eyes water as he spoke.  I will wait for as long as it takes.  After everything that happened today, I found myself thinking about him once again.  He had said those very same words to me two years ago, except, he didn’t really mean it.  I was almost certain that Paul did.  

“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you.”  Paul reached in his jacket pocket and handed me his handkerchief.  “No tears.  This is supposed to be something exciting.”  He smiled.  “I thought you’d be excited about it, too.”

I reached for his handkerchief gratefully and dabbed at my eyes.  “I’m so sorry, Paul.  I’m just overwhelmed,” I said between sniffles.  “I’m not freaking out about the whole moving in together thing,” I paused.  “Well, maybe I am just a little.  I just . . . I’ve had a rough day,” I sighed.

He stood up and scooted into the same side of the booth with me.  “The fight with Andy?” He asked in concern.  “When I spoke with you this morning, you were having a great day off,” he added.  “Everything okay at work?”

I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled deeply.  “It’s not work,” I paused once more.   “The thing with Andy . . . it was a fight over a letter I got today in the mail from an old friend.  I’ve been invited to a wedding.”

“And that’s what you’re freaking out about?”  He said slowly, puzzled as to how that would make me so upset.

“In a way, yes.”  I nodded.  “Remember when we first started dating, I told you that I was still getting over something … well someone.” He nodded.  “It was some sort of fling you had before moving back to New York right?”

I contemplated his choice of word.  Fling.  It was so much more than just a fling for me.  It meant everything to me, but maybe that’s exactly how he saw it.  A fling with an American who got swept up in the grand romantic notion of love.  A fling.  The word still stung though.

“Something like that,” I sighed, suddenly feeling very uneasy.  “There’s a lot more to the story than I actually told you.”  I cringed at the thought of having to relive everything that I had just told Andy just an hour ago.  I cleared my throat and started to recollect everything – the moment I met him, the journey to Cordonia, falling in love with him, the heartbreak . . . all of it was finally laid out on the table for him to see – the good, the bad – the heartbreaking.  All the secrets I harbored from him for the last eight months came spilling out.  As I spoke, his eyes never left mine.  I didn’t cry this time.  Perhaps I was all cried out . . . or maybe just numb.  He didn’t speak or interrupt or even ask questions.  He just held my hand and squeezed when it seemed like I couldn’t get the right words out.  I tried my best to keep a brave face so that he knew that I was fine.  I wondered if he could see through the façade.  

After I was finished, there was an uncomfortable silence that lingered between the two of us.  I couldn’t tell if he was angry or upset or confused.  He was just staring at his hands, seemingly processing everything I had just told him, until a soft chuckle escaped from his lips.

“Well, suddenly I feel very inadequate.”  Paul deadpanned quietly.

“Huh?”  I said in confusion.

“I mean, when your girlfriend tells you that she used to date a Prince … wait I’m sorry … a King … and almost married him, it kind of puts corporate lawyer on the lower end of the spectrum in the dating pool,” he snorted.

I looked at him, mouth agape.  That wasn’t the reaction that I had anticipated.  I had expected yelling, or worse, him breaking up with me.  “What?” I asked again, still not comprehending how he could be so calm and relaxed about all of this.

“I mean it’s kind of hard to show up with flowers when you used to be with a guy that could have given you a whole kingdom.”  He smirked a little.  He was clearly joking, trying to make me feel better about everything.

I shook my head, lightly slapping him on the arm.  “Not funny,” I murmured, even though I was having a hard time stifling my own laughter now.

“It was two years ago, and honestly, from what I can see, there’s no competition.”  I said honestly.  “It didn’t work out between me and him, and now that there’s been a lot of distance, I realize now that it probably never would have worked out between us.  I always felt like I wasn’t enough for him.”  

I looked down at the table remembering the engagement tour, how he proudly walked around with Madeline on his arm.  I remembered the public interviews and newspaper articles about what a loving couple they were . . . while in the background, he was sneaking off to meet me on secret late night rendezvous.  Just as Cordonia was my dirty little secret . . . I was his.  It all felt so contrived.  He wanted the best of both worlds.  He kept promising me that things would work out . . . the truth would eventually come out.  He kept asking me to be patient.  For our sake.  He kept telling me to be patient, to give it time.  Then, suddenly time ran out.  

Paul’s voice broke through my thoughts.  “Hey . . . if he didn’t think you were enough for him, that’s his problem.  Not yours.  He’s the one that gave up the most amazing woman I have ever met.  His loss, is most certainly my gain,” he assured me.  I blushed and murmured a quiet thank you.

“So . . . you mentioned something about a wedding?” Paul said, quickly changing the subject.

“Yup.”  I nodded.  “Maxwell left me an email address to contact him at.  I’m assuming to give him my RSVP.  Andy thinks I should go.”

Paul was quiet for a second, mulling over my words.  “Do you want to go?”

“No . . . for obvious reasons.  I don’t really want to dredge everything back up,” I shrugged.  “I know . . . I know maybe it will bring me closure,” I rolled my eyes.

“I wouldn’t say that,” he shook his head.  “It might be nice of you to visit with the people you’re still friendly with,” he admitted.  “But I’m not sure if it’s worth you getting hurt in the process,” he said honestly.

“Thank you,” I said.  “That’s exactly what I was trying to explain to Andy,” I explained.

“Andy really wants you to go huh?” He reasoned.  “That’s what’s making this harder on you.”

“Well, yeah.” I nodded.  “You know how Andy is, she wiggled her way into my conscience and had me second guessing everything.”  I sighed.  “I just don’t want to see him.”

“Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.”  Paul said simply.

I shook my head.  “I made up my mind, I’m not gonna go.  Anyway, it’s in like three weeks . . . and I’d have to be there for like two weeks,” I scoffed.  “Totally not possible with the Mitchell event coming up,” I said.

“When is the wedding?” Paul asked.

“May 5th,” I replied.

“Well, I’d like to say that if you changed your mind I’d go with you, but I’m heading back to Boston at the end of this month, and I’d probably be stuck there well into the middle of May,” he said as he looked at his schedule on his phone.

“See?  One more reason for me not to go,” I affirmed.

“You know I would go with you in a heartbeat, baby,” he said.  

I nodded.  “I know you would,” I said honestly.  “God, why are we even still talking about this?  I’m not going to go.  It’s crazy that I even considered it.  Why should I drop everything for a few weeks to go to a wedding for someone I haven’t even talked to in two years,” I said shaking my head.  “I should listen to my gut.  Maybe I’ll just send them like a nice punchbowl set or something . . .” I shrugged.

He nodded.  “I support you in whatever decision you make, sweetheart.”  

“Thank you,” I smiled earnestly.  “I appreciate how much you care about me and want the best for me.  I’m so lucky.”

“We’re both lucky,” he said.  “Maybe I’m lucky enough that you’ll say you’ll move in with me?” He pressed.  “Will you at least think about it?  I know there’s a lot going on right now, but just think about it.”

I forced a smile.  "Of course, I’ll think about it,” I squeezed his hands in encouragement.  “I just have so much on my plate right now, and like you said, you’re going to be going back to Boston at the end of the month,” I reasoned.

“I was actually hoping to have you moved in before I left,” he said sheepishly.

“Wow . . . um . . . that’s really fast,” I said quickly.  “I just . . . wow,” I said again.  “There’s so many factors to consider . . . I mean, you want me to move into your apartment?  I mean, babe, it’s amazing.  The view is spectacular and there’s so much space.  I can pretty much fit my whole apartment in your bedroom . . . but it’s also so far away from my office.  The commute is going to kill me.  Plus what about Andy?” I asked.  “I can’t leave her high and dry without a roommate.  How will she afford the rent?  I’d be such a crappy friend if I just up and left her to fend for herself,” I exclaimed.  I saw Paul’s face drop and zipped my lips.  I was rambling.  I squeezed his hands tightly.  “I’m sorry.  I’m not thinking clearly right now,” I shot him a half-smile.  “I promise that I will give it some serious thought,” I assured him.

He tried his best to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.  “Of course, that’s fair.”  He smiled again, this time, it was a bit brighter.  “Looks like the food’s coming.”  

I took a deep breath, thankful for the distraction.  At least the moving in conversation was put on hold for right now.  

The rest of the dinner flew by without further mention of either of the bombshells of the night.  We fell into a comfortable conversation about a few of the upcoming parties I was planning, as we finished our dinners.  As we settled the bill, Paul led me out into the street, swept me into his arms, and placed a chaste kiss on my lips.  I couldn’t help but smile as butterflies floated freely in my stomach.

“Raincheck on movie night?” he asked, looking back at me with tired eyes.  “I didn’t get much sleep last night with with the excitement of coming back early,” he explained.

“Oh my gosh, don’t be silly.  We can definitely do movie night next week,” I assured him.  “You go home and get some rest.  I’m sure all that travel is catching up with you.”

He placed a soft kiss on my head and squeezed me tightly.  “Want to split a cab home though?” he asked.

“Nah, it’s such a beautiful evening, I think I’ll walk,” I motioned around me.

“Alright, beautiful.”  He pulled me closer to him, tipping my chin up as he kissed me gently.  

“Goodnight,” I murmured against his lips, falling into his embrace one more.  

He softly ran his fingers through my hair.  “Until next time, sweetheart,” he replied as he walked down the street to hail a cab home.

I spent the rest of the walk back to my apartment mulling over Paul’s words.  Sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do.  I started to have second thoughts about my decision.  I mean, no one would really miss me if I didn’t go right?  Then again, Maxwell went through all the trouble of tracking me down . . . shouldn’t I put all my fears and worries aside and do this for Bertrand?  It’s only a couple of weeks.  I could survive that surely?  Maxwell and Bertrand were like the brothers I never had . . . and never really wanted, but that was beside the point.  When they took me in, I suddenly had a family again.  And for a while, it felt wonderful to belong somewhere.  Should I go as a thank you?  I mean, I was there when he reconnected with Savannah . . . I had helped him through the shock of finding her again and learning about Bartie.  I’d watched as Bertrand came back to life.  It’d be amazing to see them finally get their happily ever after.

And what of Maxwell?  Sweet Maxwell who was hoping beyond hope that he’d be able to reach out to me and bring me back to them.  That hope never faded after all.  He apparently couldn’t ��� or wouldn’t move on.  The invitation and email address made that clear.  It would be wonderful to see Maxwell again.  I actually kind of, sort of missed him.  I feel bad about how things ended and how I treated him when I came back to New York.  He didn’t deserve that.  

But what if I went to Cordonia . . . would I be forced to see him?  Them together?  I don’t think I could stomach seeing Madeline’s conniving face.  What if they had a family now?  Could I pretend to be okay when the man who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with had moved on?

What if I lost myself again?  What if I got caught up in the whirlwind of court?  I can’t go through another round of rumors and whispers from the other nobles.  Was my scandal ever resolved?  Did they ever get the truth out of Tariq?  Or was I still the court slut who slept around to get ahead?  

I’m doing it again.  I’m spiraling and I need to stop.  These unsavory thoughts were going to do me in.  This just proves that I can’t go back there.  I’ll end up breaking down.  Maybe this time it will be worse.

When I got back to my apartment, I saw that the living room lights had been turned off, and I breathed a sigh of relief.  I was not ready to go for round two with Andy tonight.  It looked like Andy had called it quits for tonight and went to go hibernate in her bedroom.  I threw my keys on the kitchen counter, and glanced at the coffee table.  The invitation mocked me from where I had thrown it earlier.  I ambled over to the table, picked up the invitation and tossed it into the kitchen trash.  That was that.  It was done. Now all I needed to do was email Maxwell with my regrets and ask where I can send a gift so that I could put this whole nightmare behind me.  

I walked over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of wine, and poured myself a generous amount in my favorite glass.  I plopped back onto the couch, pulled out my laptop and got to work.  How hard could this be?  Exchange a few niceties, thank him for thinking of me, and tell him I can’t make it.  Easy peasy.

As I logged into my email account and clicked on the new message button, I found myself stuck.  How do you start an email to someone you haven’t spoken to in two years?  I took a sip of my wine pondering how I would start and what I would say, then began typing quickly.

Dear Maxwell, Hi, it’s been a while.  Got the invite.  I can’t make it.  Would love to send a gift though.

I frowned.  That was terrible.  It sounded like I didn’t even care.  I sighed, gulping down some of my wine and crossing my legs on the couch. I tried to type again.

Dear Maxwell, I’m so sorry that I haven’t kept in touch.  Things were hard when I came back to New York, so I thought a clean break would have been better.

Oh my gosh, that’s totally off point.  I paused, thinking again, pouring a bit more wine into my almost empty glass.

Dear Maxwell, How long has it been?  Two years?  Wow time sure flies.

Nope.  Now I’m not even addressing the elephant in the room.  I sighed, a bit stumped about what to say.  I stared at the laptop’s screen, at a loss for words.  This hadn’t seemed so hard in my head.  I sighed again, and tried to type something else.

Dear Maxwell,

I got your invitation to Bertrand and Savannah’s wedding.  First of all, I’m so happy for them.  Happy for all of you.  But I can’t come back.  I’m so flattered that you thought to invite me after all this time, but my heart

I stopped typing, hit the delete button, and started again, drinking just a bit more wine than before.  

Dear Maxwell,

I received a beautiful invitation in the mail announcing Bertrand and Savannah’s upcoming marriage.  It will be a beautiful day . . . that I won’t be attending.

I crinkled my nose.  That’s a bit too harsh.  I stabbed the delete button once more, took another gulp of my wine and started again.

Dear Maxwell, House Beaumont must be knee deep in wedding planning, and I can only imagine how busy things must be for all of you.  Thank you for thinking of me and wanting me to be a part of such a special occasion.  I’ll admit that I was more than a little surprised when I saw the invitation.  I am so happy that you thought to include me in their special day, but for reasons of which I’m sure you’re aware, I am unable to attend.

I read and reread the paragraph, and deleted it once again.  God, why am I spazzing out about this?  Why can’t I just say no, with regrets and be done with it?

As I went to pour myself another glass of wine, I realized that the bottle was now completely empty.  In the course of the last hour, I had drained an entire bottle of wine by myself.  I bit my lip.  This wasn’t a job for wine anyway.  I needed something harder.  I stood up and headed over to the liquor cabinet, sifting through the various bottles until my hand landed on an unopened bottle of whiskey.  I pulled the bottle down, grabbed a glass, and poured the amber liquid in generously.  Whiskey certainly wouldn’t solve any of my problems, but I would happily indulge in something that might numb me for a while.  As I sipped from the glass, I could already feel the smooth liquor working to calm my nerves.  With the liquid courage entering my system, I started to type once more.

Dear Maxwell, Hey, it’s Riley.  I know it’s been a while, but I am reaching out to you because I received your invitation to Bertrand and Savannah’s wedding.  Let me first start off by saying that I am so happy for them! They truly deserve a happily ever after, and am so happy to hear that they are joining their lives together.  That being said, I am unfortunately unable to attend.  I run my own business now, and can’t really be away for an extended period of time.  I hope you understand.  Please let me know if they are registered anywhere as I would happy to send along a gift in celebration of their nuptials.  Please send my regards to all of them, and I hope you are doing well. Sincerely, Riley

My eyes started to get heavy, probably from all the alcohol I had consumed.  I pushed my laptop to the side, intending to send the message tomorrow morning after I had a chance to read through it once more.  As I felt sleep begin to take me, I snuggled up closer into the couch as my eyes fell heavily closed.

[perseusjackson-jasongrace]

I see you're on break (congrats)and you want some aus? Perfect What about a single dad finally meets the kindergarten teacher and shenanigans occur or something like that? Remeber tonjoy your break tho and rest up :)

Ah Anon it makes me ever so happy to see you in my inbox! Please never leave my darling. And I hope you're good, and happy, and well. Don't worry I'm definitely resting up these hols (please ignore the fact that I'm posting this at 2am while I tell you I am resting)

So I know I said prompts were probs gonna be jercy but when I read this everything in me just screamed PERCABETH. So that's what I wrote. Side note this had biiigg Everything Has Changed music video vibes.

Anyway I hope you enjoy! Love y'all. And thanks for the prompt! Keep em coming.

Masterlist for more crackships and other stuff

Percy Jackson pulled into the designated pick up zone, his music blasting so hard his seats vibrated. His fingers tapped along to the beat against the steering wheel, head bobbing aimlessly. The time on the dashboard blinked 14:59 and as the song ended the clock struck the hour.

Little kids, dressed in all manor of outfits came pouring out of the school, throwing basketballs and strapping on bike helmets. He watched as a little boy in a lobster costume attempted to mount his bicycle, falling three times before he got frustrated enough to yank the costume down. Percy, and probably every parent in the vicinity, was grateful the little guy had a vest and shorts on underneath.

Another little boy looked on the verge of tears as he handed a broken pair of wings to his mom. She gave him a kiss and a chocolate and the kid beamed so hard the sun got a little jealous. He immediately turned to the little girl next to him and offered her some of his sugary contraband.

Damn Percy loved Halloween.

Speaking of which, where on earth was Estelle? She had been buzzing about the Halloween sleepover all week and now she was going to be late.

He checked the clock to find five minutes had gone by with no sign of his little sister. The front area was beginning to clear as little kids hopped on the school bus or into a parent's car. He gave it one more, impatient minute before getting out and stalking towards the schools entrance. His eyes wide and frantically searching through all the little bobbles and capes and various types of bugs. What was it with little kids and insects? Still there was no sign of a bright green tail or red hair clips.

Percy was starting to panic. He pushed the double doors of the school open, "Estelle? Estelle? Elle? Ellie? Elephant?"

His shouts echoed in the empty hallways but there was no response.

"Princess Ariel? Come on Elle this isn't funny." His voice shook with nerves as he peered into empty classrooms and around abandoned corners.

"Elle if you come out now I'll get you icecream on the way home." Bribing always worked.

"Come one Estelle, please," He could hear the panic in his voice now.

"Can I help you?" A voice from behind him asked.

He whipped around, stumbling as he caught sight of the stranger.

She was, wow. She looked like a princess from one of Estelle fairytales. Golden curls, and bright grey eyes. And a soft, expectant smile.

Expectant.... expactant. Shit. She was waiting for him.

He cleared his throat, "Uh yes hi I'm looking for my little sister. She didn't come out after school and I'm panicking just a little."

"Oh alright," She motioned for him to follow her before disappearing behind a door, "Can you tell me her name and who her teacher is?"

"Sure yea, her name is Estelle Blofis and her teacher is Miss Dare."

"Oh yes they had swim class for the last hour of the day. Come on I'll take you to the pool. Maybe she's still there."

"Thank you so much," He gave her a grateful look, "I'm Percy by the way, Percy Jackson."

"Annabeth Chase," Her tone was open but her answer was blunt.

Percy was confused and a little worried, and wow she was pretty.

"So you been working here long?"

She gave him a weird look and he realized it was probably a stupid question but before he could back track she was shrugging her shoulders.

"About two years."

"Must really love children huh?" He chuckled, "I think I'd go crazy if I had to look after a bunch of six year olds all day."

She looked at him then, grey eyes piercing into his.

"It started out as a backup plan while I waited to get into postgrad and kind of just became a thing."

"Well I'm sure you're great at it."

She laughed softly, pushing open the doors to the pool, "I'm great at everything Mr Jackson."

"Percy!" A small weight crashed into his legs.

"Hello Elle, where have you been?" He crouched down to look his little sister in the eye, "I've been worried sick about you."

"I'm sorry Pers," She gave him that puppydog stare, "We were having so much fun in the pool Miss Dare said we could stay in for a little extra. I didn't think you'd mind since you like to listen to your loud music." Her little button nose scrunched in distaste before she bounded away to change and grab her things.

Percy heard a soft snickering from behind him and stood up to see Annabeth covering her mouth, grey eyes sparkling with amusement.

"Someone's not a fan of your taste."

He scowled at her, "She doesn't count. Her favourite song is" Kiss the Girl" from Ariel."

"That's a great song," The blonde arched a perfect brow.

"Maybe when you're a kindergarten teacher," He teased, "I listen to real music like Led Zeppelin and Bon Jovi."

"Who said that's real music, Seaweed Brain?" She said pointing to his t-shirt that read Marine Biologists: seaweeds with brains.

"Haha," Percy rolled his eyes, "Well what do you consider good music?"

She opened her mouth to respond but Estelle beat her to it.

"Okay Percy I'm ready. Are we gonna get icecream on our way home?"

"What are you gonna give me in return?" They started waking back into the school.

"We can watch any movie you want tomorrow." She declared.

"Any movie?" He narrowed his eyes at her.

"Any movie. Oh except toy story. I don't like watching Andy give all his toys away. And that mean pink bear scares me."

"So we can watch Frozen?" He picked her up to look straight at her.

"Yes!" She giggled, "But you can't sing along to every word. I like Elsa and Anna's voice."

He pouted at her and glared at Annabeth who had been silent until this moment, when she had hurriedly tried to cover up her laugh with a cough.

"Why don't you run to the car, little one," He put Estelle down, "If you can get there in under thirty seconds I'll let you have two scoops of ice-cream."

The little girl didn't so much as blink before she was racing down the hall.

"So Frozen huh?" Annabeth smirked, "Guess that's also considered good music?"

"I'll have you know Elsa and Anna are queens and icons of this generation."

"Personally I think Nani and Lilo are better role models but whatever you say," She grinned at him.

"How about we settle this debate over coffee? Friday next week?"

"I hope you know I was captain of the debate team in college so you're definitely going down."

"All I'm hearing is that you accepted to go on a date with me," It was his turn to smirk.

She laughed as he wiggled his eyebrows. He knew he looked ridiculous but her laugh was buttery and warm and he'd do most anything to keep hearing it.

"It's a date Percy Jackson."

His smile was bright and unrestrained as they waved goodbye.

"See you then Annabeth Chase."

[tylercamebackyes]

i adore you, Cy.

-

surprise!! @imonlyhereforgay this is your gift!! i was stressing over it because everyone has so many parts and amazing stuff but i worked really hard on mine so im not changing it anymore. happy pride! also i used When too many times but i dont think TJ would care if he wrote a letter to Cyrus.

-

TJ writes a confession to Cyrus.

-

Dear Cyrus,

These are 10 of the times I got lost in your eyes.

When we went out for milkshakes after my first game of the season. You were telling a story about how your cousin drank his milkshake in 4 minutes flat, only to realize he was lactose intolerant. He never went out to eat with you again because you laughed at him for weeks. You laughed so hard telling the story that you started crying, but your eyes were lit up with joy.

When you came out to me in your basement. I made a joke about how girls would love a ping pong champion. You said you hoped the guys did too. The guys most certainly do. I was stunned into silence because I realized you wouldn't find it so weird that I thought your eyes were pretty.

That time we went on the Ferris wheel at Adrenaline City. You wouldn't look away from the spinning wheel, but I made you have a staring contest with me. You looked like you were about to cry until Marty spun the wheel and you screeched with your head in your hands.

When I had dinner at your house for your dad's birthday. I was helping serve cake when you said I had gotten frosting on my nose. You wiped it off with a napkin because I "wasn't getting the blue off." The blue didn't even come off after.

When I was getting you do do the high jump into the foam pit at Bouncy Castle Land. Andi and Buffy had always let you sit out, but I made you count to 10 with me before you let me push you off the platform.

When my cat had kittens and you were holding one, but it sneezed and you look at me smiling like a goof. I thought I could look at you smiling like a goof forever.

That time we were studying for my math test and you laughed at the drawing of my cat. When you laugh you get a sparkle in your eye. I got  B+ on that math test and you took me to the Spoon to celebrate.

When we were playing the second championship game and I looked over at you during the last timeout. Your smile made me want to win the game to make you proud even though you would be proud either way.

When Andi was thinking about going to New York for an art school, so you went to the swings to think about it. I told you that you were allowed to be upset about it because she was your best friend and you would miss her more if you were here instead of with her. Andi decided not to go.

When you got a brain freeze from eating a snow cone too fast at the fair.

9 times I almost held your hand.  Mostly times I missed my chance to.

When we went on that roller coaster and you said you couldn't feel your hands. I thought about it for a long time, but then we were upside down and I missed my chance.

When I watched your dance final and you were shaking when you finished, because when I'm shaking people holding my hands make me feel better but you were being hugged by Buffy before I got the nerve to.

When you came out to Amber at the Spoon, because she said she was frosting everything rainbow for pride month and you said you would definitely but a piece of cake for that, and she asked if you were LGBT+ and you paused and said you were gay. I didn't want to reach over the table so I didn't hold your hand.

When we were both laying on the couch but we couldn't reach the remote, so we both reached out to get it. I ended up falling off the couch.

When my cat scratched you and I helped you clean your hand, and I did technically hold your hand but I almost really held your hand.

When Andi was up for an art award and they were announcing winners. I started clapping to snap you out of peeling your fingernails. She didn't win, but she got 2nd place.

When we were having a sleepover and you turned over on the air mattress just to say "TJ, I LOVE dinosaurs." You started showing me shadow puppet dinosaurs, but you were too tired to do it right.

At Andi's slumber party, you were doing everyone's nails with Amber, and you painted mine yellow. "You're like my lemon boy, Teej. Or a sour-patch kid. Because you're sweet now," you said.

When Andi was upset about her parents not getting married and Buffy was hanging out with Marty again, you told me that you were afraid it was straining your relationship with them. I told you that if you could survive Celia becoming Ce-Ce and Buffy moving you could survive some change.

8 times I almost kissed you.

When we were at the pool and you did the big water slide, and you were so excited that you choked on the water. You laughed so hard that you had to get out of the pool.

When we met Amber's dog for the first time, and you thought he was the cutest thing in the world.

When we got churros at the fair. You got cinnamon on your nose and I still have no idea how.

When we had that pillow fight and you somehow got a hold of every pillow and it was like you had 3 pairs of nun-chucks.

When we were at the drive-in and you were holding all of the candy because Jonah had a broken arm. He said you wouldn't let him hold anything, but you said his arm was hurting. It was probably both.

That time at the lake when I jumped in, and you didn't want to jump in after me so you tried just walking into the lake but you slipped on the mud.

When we were swimming for Buffy's birthday party, Marty and Jonah flipped your floatie over. You complained about your hair the whole day, but I thought it looked better.

When you saw the shooting star on July 4th. Right after you saw it the fireworks started and the sound scared you.

7 times I almost told someone I liked you.

Buffy asked me after my first game of the season if I liked you, and I almost said yes. I said I didn't know.

My mom asked me why I had become so much happier lately. I said I was just having fun hanging out with you and everyone. Part of it was me being happy about coming out, but it was also being around you that made me so happy.

Jonah asked me how long we had been dating. He really thought we'd been dating for months.

I was paying for a Queen record when Bowie asked about the drawings on my hand. He asked me who drew it and when I said that you drew it, he said, "You two are pretty close, huh?" I just smiled and said yeah.

My cousins came over for Christmas. Addie is 8 years old and when she saw me texting you she said, "Why are you smiling so much? My mamma says people only smile that much when they're in love!" I thought it was really funny that she pointed it out before Buffy or Amber.

Jonah, Marty, and I were watching Love, Simon and they asked why I knew all of the emails by heart. It was nice to think of having a love story like that, even if it wasn't with you.

I almost told Amber's dog once, but Andi walked in before I said it.

6 times I did hold your hand.

When you were over and my parents started fighting while we played Mortal Kombat. I didn't want to feel scared like I always feel when they fight, even though I had never done it when they fought before.

When I came out to my dad. Or before, I guess. It made it easier having you there because I had someone there for me if my dad wasn't.

When you had a sleepover and we tried to watch all of Supernatural in one night. I fell asleep after a few episodes, but the first scene always makes me nervous.

When I was going into math class for the last test of the semester. You had worked with me the most and you believing that I could pass made me really want to pass the test.

When we listened to Paris by Sabrina Carpenter for the first time. It was more of me grabbing your hand and spinning you around to the music, but it counts.

When you brought me the blueberry macadamia muffin. That was one of the best muffins I've ever had, by the way.

5 times I almost called you at 2 am.

When my parents were fighting and I wanted to distract myself, but I ended up watching YouTube.

When Khalid announced his tour and I saw the post. You actually ended up calling me first.

When my cat threw up on my bed. I was really stressed but I got worried about the cat and told my mom instead.

After you dislocated your thumb when I tried to teach you how to play basketball. I was so worried that I couldn't sleep, but your mom posted on Facebook that you were fine so I let it be.

When I realized the song stuck in my head was Electric Love by BØRNS. Then I realized you were probably asleep, so I didn't.

4 times I did call you at 2 am.

When my dad told my mom that I was gay. I thought he was cool with it, but while they were fighting he said, "So YOU can have our abomination of a son." My parent decided to get a divorce later that week. I probably called you every week because I couldn't handle it.

When I realized another song that was stuck in my head was Maneater by Nelly Furtado. You didn't know what song I was talking about until I sang the "you wish you never met her at all" part.

When I had that nightmare where a clown came and attacked the whole town but you had an alliance with him but he was set on killing me so you died defending me then the clown died because he wasn't allowed to kill you.

When you texted me saying you hated crying at 2 am. You were crying about your stepdad making a homophobic joke. I said that he probably didn't mean it, and would stop once he realized he was directly hurting you. It still wasn't okay, though.

3 times I thought I had lost you.

When Reed brought that gun. I know I've said it dozens of times, but I didn't think he would bring it while you were there.

When your dad was thinking about moving to Texas and you got really excited, but your mom said she didn't want to give up custody so he stayed. I wanted you to be happy, but I also wanted to be with you forever and I wouldn't really want to be in Texas for months or years on end.

When Kira outed me to the school, and she looked at you when she said I was really obvious about it. I thought you weren't ready to come out in any way at school, but you said that our friendship was worth more than avoiding humiliation.

2 times I almost confessed.

That day when we couldn't reach the remote from the couch. Me falling off the couch made me forget about it, though.

When I came out to you. I was crying and you were almost crying and I have no idea why I was so terrified.

1 time I did.

Right now. I don't know why it's taken me so long, but with enough reassurance from Jonah and Andi, I'm writing this letter to you right now. I adore you, Cy. I want to be around you all the time. I would really, really like to kiss you. I know you might not feel the same, but I also know our friendship would survive a crush. I don't like keeping secrets from you. The last one is this: I like you. I like you more than I've ever liked anyone. And I had a teddy bear named Blueberry for 12 years until Reed blew it up. That's all.

    Love, TJ. aka Tyler James.

[likethetailofacomet]

Sunday Six 3/31/19: The Broken Bits- Interlude 4

A/N: Sorry kids, not a full chapter, but please enjoy this interlude from Bastien’s perspective! (hoping to have the thursday/sunday posting schedule back on track this week!) 

Fydelia, 22 years ago

“Captain Walker?” Bastien sat across from Jackson in the older man's study, a glass of bourbon in front of him. He'd had something on his mind for days, turning over and tumbling, scratching at his every thought, but he wanted to wait for the right time to bring it up. Their ritualistic Friday night meeting in Jackson's study seemed like the only time.

Jackson raised one eyebrow and looked up at his protege as he finished folding up the cuffs of his sleeves. He deposited his cuff links on  the desk, and pushed them away from the edge, toward a framed photo of Drake and Savannah by the lake behind their home. “You see the time, Bas?” he tilted his head toward the clock on the wall. It was ten past midnight. “You see the sleeves?” He rolled his shoulders foreward, exposing his forearms. “I'm Jackson, now, got it?” He sat back in his chair, sinking into the leather with a sigh as he reached for his glass. “Now, what's got your gears turning over there?” He made a circular motion with one hand as he raised his glass to his lips.

Annabelle's face flashed behind Bastien's eyes as he blinked, grabbing for his own glass and an excuse to stall. She'd been insistent that things in Cordonia were becoming more and more dangerous, the general unrest growing from a hush to a whisper to a loud discourse over the course of King Constantine's reign. When she'd arrived, she believed what the tourism industry wanted to- that Cordonia was a picturesque fairy tale, a place so beautiful that nothing bad could ever happen. She'd let herself believe that Bastien's job couldn't be all that dangerous- afterall, when they'd met, he hadn't even been required to carry a firearm. That had changed, as had the frequency and variation of the training drills the King's Guard had been running. Bastien knew it worried Annabelle, knew that she had exactly one fear. She'd made that clear on New Year's Eve when she'd asked him if he'd leave the guard, and he saw how that fear changed the color of her eyes, heard how it altered the pitch of her voice in ways he'd never seen. He'd noticed little things, leading up to that night, now that he could look back with perspective- little things like the way she'd held him tighter in her sleep, like he might evaporate before she woke up; like the way her sketchbook was changing from a portfolio of blossoms and vines, to one of severe birds of prey in grays- Little things that added up to quite a sum. “Jackson,” he took a breath, broaching the topic. For Annabelle. “I...I want to propose to Annabelle.” Bastien held up a finger, sitting forward quickly to stop Jackson from reacting. There was more to be said. Jackson took note and sat back, letting him continue. “But she's made it clear that she won't marry me while I'm in the guard...while I'm as highly ranked as I am...She thinks Cordonia's gotten dangerous and...” he sighed and shook his head, running his hands through his hair. “Well, I've told you about her brother, and...she'd scared. I just... was Bianca ever scared? Did she ever...ask you to leave? To...quit?” He leaned his elbows on his knees, eyes fixed on the man before him, hoping he had all the answers.

Jackson took a long pull from his glass before setting in on  a cork coaster. He laced his fingers together and cracked his knuckles before he steepled his hands, palms together, pointer fingers extended toward the bottle of amber liquid on the shelf. “You know why I drink Bourbon, Bastien? Why I drink American Whiskey and not Scotch or anything else for that matter?” It was a rhetorical question, but Bastien shook his head anyway, eyes on the bottle. “It's because that's what Bianca's father drinks, and he gave me permission to marry his daughter, so he must be right about everything, right?” he winked. “Bianca had no idea what to get me for my birthday, the first year we were together. We'd only been seeing one another for a few weeks, and I insisted that she didn't need to do anything, that my birthday wasn't that important and that we still had to get to know one another. She of course, protested, and ended up getting me a bottle of this,” he gestured again towards the bottle. “Now, I was always a gin guy, myself, until Bianca forced a birthday gift on me.” he laughed, seeming to recall some memory of him and his wife before she held that title. “You're probably wondering where I'm going with this.” He took another sip of his bourbon. “Truth is, I'd do anything for Bianca. She shaped my life, she gave me my family. She's my partner in this world, she's my other half. If she asked me to? Yes. I'd leave the guard. But I know she'd never ask me to. That woman,” he smirked, blowing out a breath through his nose. “Is stubborn.” He set his glass back down. “But I couldn't live without her.” A serious flash flicked across Jackson's face. “Could you live without her, Bas?”

“No.” The answer was out of his mouth before the question was completely asked. “No,” he said again with a shake of his head from behind his glass. A hot wave rushed through him that had nothing to do with the alcohol and everything to do with the way that Annabelle was the rhythm of his heart. “She's everything, Jackson...she's...she's my world.” He thought of the way she smiled, of the way it felt when she kissed his shoulders, his back, of the way she looked with paint on her hands and in her hair. “But...the guard...” he shook his head again, brows knit close together. “You'd really walk away? From the promises you made?”Jackson had simply raised a brow and nodded and Bastien knew he was serious. 

He thought for a few beats, weighing Jackson's words; both said and unsaid. His mind wandered to her, picturing her lying in their bed, clutching his pillow, her long legs taking up as mush space as possible, long orange hair spread out in swirls across the sheets and her face. He wanted her, like that, every day and every night and every moment in between. “Maybe if we catch the Sons of Earth...maybe if we get Eamon Krass...things will die down again...and she'll see...it'll be safe again....” Jackson hadn't responded, and Bastien cleared his throat before checking his watch. It was nearly one am, and suddenly he wanted only to be where Belle was, with this arms around her, holding her close while he had her to hold. He stood, abruptly, drawing Jackson's attention. “I've got to get home...” He said absently, sticking his hands in his pockets. “I...Thanks, Jackson...for listening, for...thanks...” Jackson tipped his glass to Bastien as the younger man headed for the door, his feet unable to catch up the beat of his heart.

Tagging: @ooo-barff-ooo @sleepwalkingelite @zaffrenotes @brightpinkpeppercorn @mind-reader1 @jovialyouthmusic @endlessly-searching-for-you @notoriouscs @endlesstaylormckenzie @agent-bossypants @andy-loves-corgis @akrenich @nekkidmolerat @indiacater @thequeenofcronuts @the-everlasting-dream @the-whiskeywife @roonarific @stopforamoment@mfackenthal @mkatschoicesblog @drakewalkerisreal @drakesensworld @gibbles82 @iplaydrake @speedyoperarascalparty @bobasheebaby @carabeth

[julia-highstorms]

If Jane Was Here (Noah’s POV) - Ch. 11

Summary: ILITW by Noah’s point of view. Previous chapters here

Disclaimer: all characters belong to Pixelberry Studios and some dialogues are from the game. Gender neutral MC.

Author’s Note: I know I said back in July that IJWH was back from hiatus and then... I stopped posting. What a joke of a person I am, I won't even be surprised if y'all hate my guts by now BUT IN MY DEFENSE, I was just delaying Noah's betrayal as long as I could because I was so not ready for it lol But after all that angst in the latest PM chapter and after listening to my playlist of sad songs over and over again, I'm ready to go back to writing this fanfic. AND I'LL DO MY BEST TO FINISH IT BEFORE IT LIVES 2 RELEASES!!!!!!!!!! And I'd like to thank @hippiekiyay, without her I wouldn't had been able to finish this chapter literally!!!! Thank you so much Sam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Words can't express how much I am thankful

Rating: PG-13 (language)

Pairing: Noah x MC

Word count: 5236 (longest chapter so far. Don't kill me and I hope it will be worth the wait lol)

Tagging @kurbqa-deactivated20180730 @miragemeister @yertletheturtle04 @mysteriouslady4 @klaudiana-beaumontkkreal @katiehawkeyebishop @melchann @hippiekiyay @lovethemarshalltwins @jadedpixiescribbles @gameofstrangerwars @american-duchess @blackheartdreams @indiacater @nuttatulipa @lcnelywclf @sazanes @mmmmmmyyyah @ietss

Chapter 11 - You Again

The gang of teenagers stood frozen in front of an old wooden shack, face-to-face with a snarling, mossy creature with burning eyes. Her dog?! That thing was her dog?!

"Nobody… moves..." - MC whispered.

"We can't just stand here! We've got to do something!" - Stacy said back with a rushed nervous tone.

"Do what?! That thing is huge!" - Lucas tilted his head slightly to the growling monster.

Behind the creature, Cora Pritchard, also known as 'Pritch the Witch', glared at them with arms crossed:

"Well? You punks going to explain what you're doing here in the middle of the damn night? Or are we doing this the hard way?"

"I-is the hard way getting eaten by your creepy skeleton monster?" - Lily asked the question that popped in everyone's minds.

"Don't be simple. Ugly thing ain't even got a stomach. He'll just chew you up and spit you out somewhere. Somewhere off my property."

"Super. We finally have a lead, and now her creepy pet is gonna kill us." - Ava scowled, less than pleased.

Andy looked to each of his friends' face in doubt. "If we scatter, it can't kill all of us… right?"

"Let's get out of here!" - Noah was trembling in fear from heads to toes, but somehow he found his voice and still hadn't shit his own pants. - "If she can control that monster, she's probably in league with him."

The old woman frowned in confusion. "'Him'? What nonsense are you… oh." - she stopped short and realisation seemed to fell on her. - "Oh hell." - then, she whistled sharply, and the mossy creature backed down to her. - "It's you, isn't it? You're the idiots who went and woke up Redfield."

"So you do know about him!" - Stacy ignored MC's statement and murmured:

"Please, we're sorry for trespassing, but… we need your help."

Lucas nodded and took a small step towards the with. "We're kind of desperate, actually. Any information you have about Redfield's history or his powers would be incredibly helpful."

"History? I'll do you one better than that. I'm gonna tell you how to lock that bastard away for good." - and then, she simply turned and stepped inside the old cabin.

The teenagers looked at each others' faces, still not believing what had just happened. Pritch the Witch  was actually going to help them?

Summoning all their courage, MC followed the old woman. Their friends did the same, entering the house. Dark shelves lined the walls, neatly packed with strange stones, dusty tomes, bottles of herbs, and skulls.

"Whoa… this is… interesting." - MC commented, trying to sound kind. Ava leaned in closer to Noah and Lily and whispered with a grin on her lips, eyes sparkling with the sight of all those old and creepy things:

"I want this house to be my house."

"Don't touch anything." - Cora's tone was almost a threat. Lucas grimaced, examining a jar with some kind of preserved organ floating inside:

"Fine by me."

Then, the old woman poured several cups from a cast-iron teapot and handed each one of the kids one. MC sniffed the cup, wrinkling to their nose at the bitter aroma. "Um, is this... Earl Grey?"

"This look like some kinda princessy tea house to you?" - Cora snapped back at them as she eased into a well-worn armchair, her creature settling to the floor beside her like a faithful hound. - "Drink your damn tea. Or give it to the dog. I don't care."

Silence stretched as all of them sipped the tea, staring back at each other with unsure looks. Noah was so nervous that he thought it was better to just drink his tea instead of saying anything stupid and risking annoying the old lady. He still felt a little terrified by her. Though her tea was damn good.

"Um… Miss Pritchard? I can't help but notice… it sounded like you know who we are." - Lily finally spoke up.

"'Course I do. Power's been sleeping quiet these past ten years, but I knew someone had broken the spell that bound it."

"If that's true… why didn't you come find us?" - Stacy asked. Andy agreed with the cheerleader.

"Yeah, why wait 'til we came to you?"

"'Cause the Power knows me, boy. I've only survived this long because I know how to hide from it. How'd you finally find me, anyway?"

"We found this at the library..." - MC pulled Cora's picture book out of their bag.

"Took ya long enough. I published that damn book eight years ago. Won an award and everything. Figured as soon as you recognized the creatures in there, you'd come running. Guess I overestimated you."

"Uh… sorry."

The woman grunted, sipping her tea. Ava tossed back her own tea in one swallow, holding out her cup for a refill. "Okay, you said the Power knows you. What does that mean?"

"This one pays attention. I like her." - the witch was almost smirking.

"Teacher's pet." - Noah whispered teasingly to Ava, who flashed her middle finger at him while Cora poured her another cup of tea.

"Most of my life, I've been part of a group that watches over these woods… and the Power that lives inside." - she started explaining. - "We guarded the Power and kept it secret. In return, it took care of us."

"You mean it gave you abilities?" - MC asked. She nodded.

"You catch on quick, kid. We were able to take a little of the Power into ourselves, granting us certain skills… but only if we followed the rules."

"Well, that explains Twiggy over here." - Andy pointed to the moss creature, which growled back at him. Stacy's mouth fell open.

"Hang on, you made that thing?!"

"Do you have other powers too?"

"Absolutely not. I make constructs, like this ugly beast here… but only one at a time." - Cora answered MC's question. - "Others could levitate things or talk to beasts and whatnot, but there's only so much power a person can hold without going…" - she scowled into her teacup. - "...strange."

"...Someone got greedy, didn't they? Someone tried to use too much of the Power."

"Idiot… we told him what would happen. He saw the shadows wandering the woods at night… leftovers from other greedy idiots. But no, he thought he knew better than us. Now look at him. Fused with the Power itself, not a scrap of humanity left." - MC shuddered beside the Noah, rubbing the still-tender bruise on their wrist where Redfield grabbed them. He squeezed their shoulder, trying to make it seem like a reassuring gesture, though he still felt a little nervous on being in that old creepy-ass cabin. Cora watched them intently, one eyebrow raised. - "Looks like things are worse than I thought. We've got to move quickly." - she suddenly heaved herself out of her chair and started bustling around the room, taking down jars and bunches of herbs. - "Someone find the jar of powdered bloodstone. And you, put those goblets on the table." - she pointed to the boy with the beanie.

"Oh, uh… these?" - he retrieved a pair of ornate goblets from a nearby case and set them on the low table. The witch shooed them aside, then started mixing various powders and herbs into the two goblets, the teenagers gathering around her, watching what she was doing intently.

"Okay… I get that we're 'moving quickly' here, but maybe can you pump the brakes for a sec? How are we gonna stop Redfield." - Andy broke the silence.

"Yeah, I'd like to know what exactly we're getting into." - the Class President agreed with the Asian boy. - "What's the plan? Will you be assisting us?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? Making a casserole?" - she scowled as she added a pinch of ash to each goblet, then started scribbling furiously on a notepad. - "I can tell you how to bind Redfield, but you're gonna have to go into those woods and perform the spell yourselves."

"What? But we can't… I mean, how are we supposed to do that? We're not witches or whatever."

"Speak for yourself." - Ava told the cheerleader.

"We might not have powers… but Cora's right. We have to do this ourselves." - MC's determination look back onto their face and Noah felt slightly inspired by it, ready to face Mr. Red. Well, almost.

"But why? Why does it always have to be us?" - Lily asked with a low whine.

"It's because we're connected to him. Something about being near us gave Mr. Red power. Especially once he managed to lure us down into that cave. Maybe… that same connection can give us some kind of power over him."

"Huh, you're not as dense as I thought you'd be. Maybe we're not doomed after all."

MC stared at Cora, clearly unsure if they should take it as a compliment or not.

"...Thanks." - they said after all.

"The Power's truth strength comes from the connection it forges with its followers. Both sides are bound by the rules and rituals they agree upon. After the… incident, the few of us who weren't bloody smears on the ground figured out a way to exploit that connection." - the woman finally tore the page free from her notepad and handed it to them. - "With this spell, we sealed that bastard inside the old meeting house."

"Old meeting house… wait, those creepy ruins? How old are you?" - Noah asked before he could realise that it was an inappropriate question.

"None of yer damn business." - MC took the paper, scanning Cora's cramped handwriting.

"This… this is it? We just follow these instructions?"

"Seems a little anticlimactic." - Ava stated, reading it over her friend's shoulder. Stacy looked at her.

"You did hear the part where we have to go back into the woods, right?"

"Where I assume Redfield will try to stop us?"

"That's right." - Pritch the Witch answered the boy with glasses. - "Once he sees what you're doing, he'll do everything he can to interrupt the spell. You're going to have to-- HEY! You drop that! I SAID DROP IT!" - the gang jumped, following the woman's accusing finger… to where her creature was chewing on its own leg bone. - "Stupid thing… all the arcane powers in the world couldn't magic a brain in that half-rotted skull of yours." - the moss creature barked happily back at her. - "Don't suppose you'd like to take this damn ugly beast with you? All he's doing here is chewing up my nice furniture."

"Um, YES. Yes we would like." - Ava was almost jumping with excitement.

"Redfield will probably send tons of these creatures after us… it'd be nice to have a monster on our side for once." - MC pondered a little. - "We'd love to take him."

"Hear that, ya dense beast? You're going with these kids for a while." - Cora snapped her fingers, and the creature got up, bony feet clacking across the floorboards.

"Does it, uh… have a name?" - Lily asked.

"Never bothered to give him one. Call him what you like." - the old woman shrugged.

"Hmmm… what about…" - MC looked over to Andy. - "...Twiggy?"

"Haha, hell yeah!" - the short boy jumped, fisting the air.

"This is the most stupid name I've ever heard." - Noah stated as Twiggy trotted over to them, grinning.

"Shut up, you're just jealous that you didn't gave him a dope name!" - MC hesitantly reached down to scratch the creature's mossy head.

"That's… surprisingly soft. And weird. Definitely weird."

"Who's a good undead boy? Is it you?" - Ava played with the beast while Cora grabbed a plastic lighter from the kitchen and tossed it to MC. Then she handed the two goblets to the Beanie Boy.

"Don't spill those. There's a clearing with a big stump in the middle, about a mile in from the road. You know it?" - he nodded at her.

"Yeah, that's where we found our friend Dan."

"That's where you'll do the ritual, tonight."

"Tonight? Why can't we wait until morning?" - Lily shouted, startled.

"Because Redfield's got to be inside the clearing for the spell to trap him, which won't happen if it's full of sunshine." - huh, it made sense.

"Got it." - MC nodded. - "There's something I wanted to ask about... our friends in the hospital."

"Our friends, Dan and Tom, got… Redfield got to them. They've been unconscious in the hospital for days."

"There are others, too…" - Lucas joined Andy's explanation. - "If we manage to bind Redfield… will they wake up?"

"Hm. The Power does feed on people sometimes, consuming their life force until they're just empty shells… But… if you do this spell right, that connection will be broken. Your friends should recover, in time."

"One more reason to win this thing."

"Now, unless you have any other silly questions, it's time for you to go. There's work to be done..." - and then, Cora rushed them out of her house.

"This is it, then… we're really going to face him." - Lucas murmured with an uneased look, as the gang made their way out of Cora's garden.

"At least we'll all be together this time." - Noah said. There was safety in numbers and for the first time in a long time he felt like he had his friends' backs.

"Plus, we've got Twiggy." - Ava patted the moss creature's head, who growled happily at her. Stacy looked to each one of their faces:

"Everyone ready to go?"

"As ready as I'll ever be..." - Lily answered, hugging herself against the night wind. A hug grin spread on Ava's face.

"Creepy moonlight ritual to save the town from evil? I was born for this."

"Hell yeah, let's kick some monsters in the face!" - Andy shout, kicking the air around him. MC held him by his shoulder, preventing him from entering the woods.

"Not yet. First, there's one stop we need to make...."

They all drove to the hardware store downtown and parked outside. Twiggy even tried to go with them, but they thought it was better to stay inside the car. The door chimed, announcing their entrance, and Stacy's brother glanced up to them. He looked less than pleased to see them, especially MC.

"Stacy, what are you all doing here?"

"Don't be a jerk, Connor. We're just here to buy supplies."

"Supplies for wh-- Actually, you know what? I don't want to know. Store closes in five minutes, so just… get your stuff and get out." - he said, returning to the back of the counter.

They all split up to browse the store, only MC stayed back, to go talk to Connor. Noah walked towards the center aisle.

"Yo."

"Hey." - he greeted the Asian boy back. They browsed it in silence fo a couple minutes until Andy spoke up:

"So… we're finally going to kick that bastard's ass." - the boy with a beanie smirked.

"Technically, we can't kick his ass because he's a ghost. Ghosts don't have asses."

"Of course they have! They have a… ghostly ass."

"Which we can't kick."

"Well, how can you be so sure about it? Have you tried to kick a ghost's ghostly ass before?" - Noah laughed to that boy's stubborness and fierceness. - "You won't know if you don't try!"

"Right. You tell me later if that worked or not." - Noah laughed a little more. The Asian boy just rolled his eyes.

"Hey, do you think this will be useful?" - he asked, pointing a hair dryer to him.

"For what? So you can dry Redfield's ghostly ass?"

"You're no fun, Noah." - Andy pouted, putting the object back into the aisle, while the other boy chuckled. MC approached them.

"How's it going?"

"Andy is having way too much fun with this."

"Hey man, I'm just trying to live out my cheesy action movie dreams here. Don't ruin it for me." - Andy's eyes suddenly lighted up. He set down a jar of nails and turned to them both grinning. - "You know what I just realized? This is gonna be over tomorrow!"

"Yeah, assuming we don't all die." - MC smiled back at him.

"No, that's what I mean! Fists of Thunder 6 comes out next summer, and there's no way I'm missing that. So we're definitely gonna win!"

"I… what?" - MC shared a look with Noah, as if to confirm that they heard right. The Beanie Boy tried really hard to not laugh. 'Fists of Thunder 6'? Seriously?

"I'm serious! What are you guys looking forward to? What have you been waiting for so hard it proves we're gonna live?"

"Dunno, I haven't had much to look forward to, lately." - Noah answered. He just wanted it all to end. To Redfield go. To get some answers.

All he wished was to know was where Jane was? Was she safe? Was she trapped somewhere? In the ruins? What Redfield meant when he said that Jane was here?

If Jane was here…

"There must be something." - MC elbowed him, a playful smirk spreading on their lips. - "What about homecoming?"

"I'm probably not going. Seems kinda pointless without a date, doesn't it?" - his eyes locked with MC's for a second. He thought he almost saw their eyes shining. He quickly looked away. - "And I'm… really not in a good place for that. Dating. I mean." - he stuttered, feeling his cheeks getting hotter.

And that was true. He couldn't think about dating. Not yet. Not with Redfield around. But if things were different… If they were all safe and sound… If Jane was here… Would things be different?

He felt Andy squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.

"That's cool, dude. If it's not the right time, then it's not the right time."

"You shouldn't let that stop you from enjoying homecoming, though. We could all go together!" - MC proposed. Andy punched the air excitedly.

"Dude, let's all rent a limo! I've always wanted to do that!"

"That sounds… fun. I'll think about it." - Noah couldn't hide a smile from appearing on his lips. Their excitement was contagious. He turned to MC. - "What about you, MC? Gonna ask someone to homecoming?"

To be honest, Noah didn't want to know. He felt awkward imagining MC dating someone, even if this person was one of their friends. He watched them putting their hand on their chin, pondering for a little while, before turning to him with a bright smile.

"I don't think I want to ask anyone specific. I just want all to go as friends."

Noah fought the urge to grin.

"Okay… as long as I don't have to dress up." - he said, trying to maintain a stoic face. It was stupid, but he was kind of happy to know that MC didn't liked someone in a special way… and that he was going with all his friends to the party. Together.

"That's the spirit!" - Andy shout, clapping his back (a little too hard), then wandered off to look at another aisle.

Noah turned to look at MC, whose eyes were already on his face, small grin on their lips. He blushed again under his friend's gaze and cleared his throat before asking: "Huh… so, you gonna buy anything?"

"I'm not sure… What kind of weapon do you use against an army of undead plant monsters?"

Beanie Boy looked around the store, when something caught his eyes.

"I mean… that, probably." - he pointed to the wall behind MC, where a 'Now in Stock' sign hanged next to a pole saw. He saw the smile widening on his friend's face.

"I forgot about this thing!" - they exclaimed as they took the pole saw off the wall and examined it. Noah approached them.

"What is it?"

"I think Connor said it's called a 'pole saw'?"

"I'll tell you what it is." - Ava said as she came around the counter, practically bouncing. Noah still wasn't get used to the vision of Ava Cunningham excited, almost happy. - "It's a chainsaw… on a STICK! Please tell me you're gonna buy it!"

"You should totally get it. This thing'll tear through those plant monsters like nothing!" - he agreed with the witch girl. - "Way better than my weapon idea. I was just gonna grab one of the big sticks I saw in the parking lot..." - cash was running low.

"Yeah, no way I'm passing this thing up." - MC stated, clearly enjoying the sensation of holding the pole saw on their hands.

"Yesss. You're gonna let me borrow it sometime, right?"

"For what? You got some landscaping to do?" - Noah asked Ava.

"If it means I get to swing stuff like that around, I will find something to landscape." - she said as they joined the rest of their friends at the front of the store. MC got in line behind Andy as he paid for a large crowbar. Turning, the Asian boy asked, stopping short when he saw them holding the pole saw.

"What?! Where do they keep those?"

"Sorry, think I got the only one."

"Everybody set?" - Lucas asked, looking to each one of them. He seemed a little more confident than before.

All of them nodded in agreement and walked out into the night.

They followed the back roads out of town until,once again, they found themselves standing at the edge of the dark roads…

"This is it..." - MC murmured, holding the pole saw tightly. Noah nodded beside them, staring the woods in front of them.

"Hope this goes better than last time."

"It will. It has to." - they said, that determined frown on their face again, and then clutched Cora's instructions, reading them through for what it seemed like the tenth time. - "We've got to leave one goblet at the entrance to the ruins. Ava and I will take care of that, then meet the rest of you at the clearing."

"Sounds like a plan." - Lucas commented. Stacy wished them two to be careful.

"You guys too. Watch out for gross skeleton monsters." - Cora's mossy creature seemed confused. Ava grinned at him. - "Of course you're not gross, Twiggy! The other skeleton monsters are way less cute than you.

One by one, the teenagers walked into the trees. After a quick detour to the ruins, MC and Ava rejoined the rest of them in the clearing.

"Run into any trouble?" - Andy asked them. MC shook their head.

"Nope. First goblet's ready to go." - and then they set the other goblet down on the stump.

"So… um, what exactly do we do?" - Lily still seemed a little anxious with everything.

"Looks like two people need to read the incantations written here." - Ava replied, reading Cora's instructions. - "As soon as we start the spell, Mr. Red will be drawn toward this clearing."

"Hooray..." - Noah felt a shiver running down his spine by just imagining facing that monster's face again, all the confidence he was feeling soon leaving him. Ava ignored him:

"We light the goblet on fire, which somehow lights the other goblet. The two flames become a bridge that channels Mr. Red into the ruins. Then… boom, the flames go out and he's sealed inside."

"So… who wants to read the words? You'd have to read through the whole spell, and Mr. Red will do whatever he can to stop you." - MC asked their friends.

"I'll do it. Stacy? Do you..." - Lily trailed off as the cheerleader dumped her purse out on the ground, refilling it with large rocks, then giving it a few experimental swings.

"Nope. I've got some anger to work out."

"I'll read." - Lucas volunteered himself. - "Just… try to stop anything from ripping our heads off, okay?"

"Don't worry. We've got your backs." - Andy clasped his hand on the Class President's back.

After MC's signal, everyone arranged themselves in a loose circle around the stump, with Lily and Lucas at the center.

"Is everyone ready?" - she asked. Andy gripped his crowbar, Stacy hefted her rock-filled purse, Noah clutched his branch, and Ava drew a long knife from her boot.

"Bring it on." - MC yanked the started handle of their pole saw, and the small engine thrummed to life. - "One last thing… No one's allowed to die. I mean it. If even one of you dies, I'm gonna be pissed." - they all grinned a little to MC's words.

"Right back atcha, MC." - Andy smirked at them.

Lily took a deep breath… then began to read. "'Power of the ancient trees, glorious song of all that grows...'" - Lucas stood tall beside her, one hand resting on her shoulder as he picked up the next line. "'by right of our covenant, we summon thee'."

They all tightened the grip around their weapons as a frigid wind whipped through the clearing, carrying the sounds of growls and gnashing teeth...

"Remember… we have to protect Lucas and Lily, or else all of this will be for nothing." - MC alerted them.

"Got it.." - Noah felt his heartbeat speeding up. Beside them, Twiggy's mossy hackles raised and he bared his teeth. Lily kept reading.

"'...come before us...'" - dark shapes began to move in the undergrowth, amber eyes burning in the trees…

"'...come before us'." - Lucas repeated, his eyes widening as another shape, larger than the rest, moved to the edge of the clearing, moonlight illuminating his face.

"Wait a second, is that…?" - Andy's voice died as they recognized who was standing right in front of them.

"No..." - MC murmured, shock in their face too. The figured grinned.

"Looks like I stumbled into a loser convention." - Cody said with a wicked smile.

"Cody… You're not him!"

"Yeah, I know. But I'm still gonna kick your ass." - shadows writhed in the trees behind Cody, and they caught a darker figure, barely visible but for its glowing eyes. - "Remember what I said at Brit's party? How I was gonna make you pay for all your smartass remarks? Your little friends threw me out that time… but this time… I brought some friends too."

The bushes all around them exploded, a snarling wave of skeletal creatures charging towards them.

"Here they come!" - MC yelled, dropping to a ready crouch as three of the creatures charged toward them. Along with Andy and Stacy, they started fighting the monsters.

"Crap!" - Noah shout, swinging his branch wildly, hitting the skeletal creature that attacked him.

"I've got you." - Ava lunged towards him, shredding vines and chunks of bones flying everywhere.

Through the chaos, Lily and Lucas's voices rang clear and strong, reading from Cora's spell.

"'Power of the earth and the stone, furious wind and rushing creek…'"

"'...by right of our covenant, we bid thee, listen…'"

"'...heed our words…'"

"'...heed our word--"

"LOOK OUT!" - Noah yelled as two creatures managed to dodge around him, heading for Lucas and Lily.

MC attacked the creature that headed to the Class President, their pole saw blade shearing clean through the creature's spine. He and Ava immediately tried to sprint after them, but another creature leapt in front of them.

"Holy crap, how many of these are there?!" - Noah asked, struggling to hold the thrashing creature.

"I don't know, but they're starting to get on my nerves!" - the witch girl replied, slashing at it  with her knife. - "Could use some help over here!" - she yelled to their friends, who seemed to be okay, though Lily's arm was bleeding. MC sprinted towards them. - "Damn it, Noah! Hold it still!"

"I'm trying! It-- Aah!" - the creature slipped out of his grasp, lunging for her.

"Oh f--"

"Hey, ugly!" - MC stabbed their saw blade through the creature's skeleton, pinning it to the ground. Ava winded up and kicked it in the head, sending its skull flying into the trees.

"Huh, maybe I should take up soccer."

"Thanks, MC. That one got away from me." - Noah said, the three of them panting with all the action.

"No problem, Beanie Boy."

As they continued to struggle against the skeletal creatures, they heard slow, sarcastic applause from the clearing's edge.

"Damn, not bad, MC. Maybe you nerds are tougher than I gave you credit for." - behind Cody, Redfield seethed, hovering just outside the boundary of the clearing, hissing at them.

Steeling themself, MC pointed their weapon at the creature wearing Cody's face.

"Come over here. I'll show you how tough I am."

Redfield reached out one clawed hand, resting it on top of Cody's head, who grinned at them.

"I thought you'd never ask." - and, before their eyes, Cody's flesh began to warp and bulge, his skin tearing and falling away, revealing the dirt and stone beneath.

"Holy crap."

"What he said." - Noah agreed with Andy's remark, the stone creature advanced on MC, seeming taller with every step. MC seemed to be handling it pretty well with their pole saw.

"MC!" - Stacy shout.

"Back off, creep!" - Ava tried to threaten the stone creature, all of them trying to run to them, but more vine creature surged forward. - "I'm gonna make you boney freaks wish you were never… summoned, or whatever.” - the witch girl said as she and Noah brandished their weapons at another group of snarling beasts.

“I am not letting it end like this… not when we’re so close…”

They kept fighting the skeletal creatures until, suddenly, they all fell to the ground, the lights in their eyes winking out. Ava and Noah shared a confused look, before looking at the center of the clearing, where MC, Lucas and Lily stood. There was no sign of Redfield, the goblet on fire.

“...We did it.” - MC murmured. Trembling, they got to their feet as the flames inside the goblet flared high, ten vanished.

“Wait… really? It actually worked?” - Beanie Boy asked, as he and Ava walked towards them.

“It would appear so.” - Lucas looked around them. Everything seemed so suddenly calm.

“Are… are we sure? Is he actually…” - Lily couldn’t finish the phrase. Ava walked over, retrieving Cora’s goblet.

“One way to find out.”

A short walk later, they all cautiously stepped into the familiar clearing.

“It’s so… peaceful.” - MC commented, staring at the ruins.

“Yeah… I guess.” - Noah murmured, feeling a strange sensation in his chest.

He kind of… kind of was feeling… disappointed. That was it? After all that hell they went through… he had hoped that he would get some answers. Things would get fixed. Jane would be here.

Where was Jane? What Redfield meant when he said that she was here? If she was here, then where she was? Was Jane still here?

If Jane was here…

Ava walked right to the ruins, quickly snatching up Cora’s goblet before backing away again. “Ugh… I can definitely feel something in there. And it is pissed.”

“Can you blame him? Who’d wanna spend eternity trapped in that crappy place?” - Andy pointed to the old ruins.

“This could be a trick…” - Lily still couldn’t believe the spell worked. To be honest, neither could Noah.

“How do we know the spell did what it was supposed to?” - Lucas asked and MC crouched to pick up a small pebble.

“We test it.” - they tossed the pebble at the house. It sailed straight over the threshold… then stopped in mid-air.

“No way…” - Stacy murmured, her eyes widening. The pebble hanged in the air for a moment, then dropped straight down.

MC’s knees suddenly buckled and they sank to the ground, tears welling up to their eyes as they started to laugh.

“It’s... over.” - the gang kneeled beside MC, pulling them into a warm embrace. - “Wh-what the hell do we do next?”

The cheerleader laughed, squeezing all of them tighter.

“Seriously? Next comes the most important thing of all!”

“The SATs?”

“No, dummy…” - Stacy rolled her eyes to Lucas, a huge grin on her lips. - “Homecoming!”

[ephemeral-vesper]

I was tagged by @shininprism Thank you ♡

Rules: Answer the questions in a new post and tag 10 blogs you’d like to know better.

A: age | old - if you’ve been following me for a while, you already know. If you don’t know but want to, it’s posted in several places on my blog. I don’t hide it.

B: birthplace | Alberta, Canada

C: current time | 12:26 PM

D: drink you had last | Coffee

E: easiest person to talk to | Rik (husband), Andy (one of my very first tumblr friends)

F: favourite song | Right now, it’s Tell Me What To Do by SHINee but this changes often. No wait, I’m back on Doom Dada by T.O.P...let’s go! 

Actually, hang on........SEE WHAT I MEAN?

G: grossest memory | Remembering how crippled I was after Wouter and I separated. That was the strongest bond to break and it BROKE me...violently, deeply.

H: hogwarts house | Ravenclaw

I: in love? | Romantic love? No. But there are so many kinds of love and I have so much love for so many people and things.

J: jealous of people | No. There’s no point. You’re not them so just be the best version of yourself that you can be.

K: killed someone | No. What kind of question is this?

L: love at first sight or should I walk by again ? | There have been some in my past. There are some now. I fall in love too quickly I think.

M: middle name | Marie

N: no. of siblings | Zero.

O: one wish | I wrote this out but then deleted it because it’s not good to share this with other people.

P: person you called last | Rik. But he didn’t answer. Twice.

Q: questions you are always asked | “How old are you? You look like you’re in your early-mid twenties, am I right?” Also, “Did it hurt to do that *pointing to my stretched lobes*?”

R: reasons to smile | I smiled a lot yesterday when getting my newest tattoo(s).

S: song you sang last | I’m singing to Haru Haru right now as I type this.

T: time you woke up | 7:30ish because Risky jumped on the bed and shoved his nose in my face and then cuddled on me kicking his feet in the air until I got out of bed. But I slept for another hour later.

U: underwear color | Today it’s grey and pink.

V: vacation destination | I’ve never been on a real vacation. I don’t have an answer for this. My favourite place that I’ve ever been to is on top of Sulphur  Mountain though. So gorgeous and I feel so free up there. 

W: worst habit | I think I annoy people easily?

X: x-rays | Yes, a few. I’ve broken some bones in my life.

Y: your favorite food | Homemade chili? Or some kind of white fish. I love fish.

Z: zodiac sign | Gemini Sun and Sagittarius Moon

I will tag: @mxphilips @nightmarish-daydreamish @heavyeyesandscreamingth0ughts @st-vitreous @purple-virgo

[saras-almanac]

In my earlier post I mentioned different theories as to why IM had chosen this pregnancy route as a storyline and how they could have done this better. There’s three main ones that I keep seeing and I just wanted to put some thoughts about them down. I know that they are entitled to do what they want to do, but as a person literally going to school for a masters in fiction and screen-writing, I cannot believe that a room full of paid professionals came up with this and was like, Yeah that’s the best we can do. It just baffles me beyond reason. That’s just my little disclaimer so feel free to read on if you’d like. (It’s accidentally almost 3k. See why I had to cut it from my last post?)

Reason One: Splitting Aaron and Robert up

Literally any other reason would have worked. We all know their MO by now:  they argue and break up and then get back together (usually when something dramatic happens). Split them up when Aaron and Robert got into the argument while Aaron was in prison. Robert just doesn’t go back to visit again. I mean, it would give them the Robert’s a massive dick angle they clearly love. It might also give some interesting dynamics after the fact of them trying to find their way back to each other.

Have Aaron self-destructing out of prison and trying to deal with his trauma on his own. He pushes Robert away and things just fall apart. It would suck to watch Aaron go through more misery, but they love that too. Also it would make sure that all he suffered in prison was actually for a reason and not just magically wiped away because Jason is sad?? (That was a ridiculous coda if ever there was one) Maybe he’s still an addict when he comes out of prison and has to go through that whole storyline. He can’t quite handle the torture he went through in prison at the hands of Jason and is suffering a form of PTSD that he keeps snapping at Robert over while not actually telling him anything. Aaron could call their relationship off because he’s tired of Robert constantly nagging at him while Robert’s totally confused because Aaron’s been off since coming out but not actually telling him anything. This could lead to misery for both of them, lots of counselling and work on Aaron’s part, and potentially this ridiculous Robert’s scheming at Home Farm again plot they clearly wanted.

Or my personal favorite, Aaron feels like he doesn’t belong anymore because life went on without him and he can’t cope. Aaron kicks Robert out because he can’t handle the fact that Robert has sort of “replaced” him in terms of Liv. Aaron hasn’t been great at accepting Robert’s help in regards to Liv all the time. I mean, just before he went to prison he said that she was Aaron’s problem and his responsibility. Imagine that Aaron comes home and is confused and a bit insecure about the fact that Robert seems to be more of a father-figure to Liv who she comes to for money and help because Robert’s helped her and was there for her and made sure that she had a tutor. Not to mention the house, their home, is completely finished and Aaron didn’t have a say in so it doesn’t feel like his home and it’s just another reminder of how he doesn’t fit with Robert and Liv anymore. This one might be a bit of a stretch and harder to work through but it could have been some lasting drama of sorts.

But yeah, if their main goal was to split Aaron and Robert up, they could have picked any number of other reasons to get there. Especially with their communication problems.

Reason Two: Robert becoming a father

I’ve seen quotes about this idea that they only wanted to get Rebecca pregnant because it would have been a great way for Robert to deal with his own issues with his dad.

Um, what about Liv? He’s already opened up to her briefly about his dad; he at least told her about his father’s funeral. It would have been such an interesting way to explore his issues with his dad and trying to figure out how to parent just like him and not like him at the same time with a child that’s not his. Especially since Aaron knows at least parts of what happened between Robert and his father. The insecurity and rivalry with Andy could sort of be worked out through dealing and parenting Liv. And just imagine the insecurity she’s probably going to feel if Aaron and Robert ever decide to have kids of their own. I mean, can’t you just picture the conversation between Liv and Robert about how Liv’s not really their kid but like don’t forget me and she says it jokingly but Robert thinks back to feeling second best and the insecurity that his father was stuck with Robert but chose Andy and how Liv might be feeling the same way and then it leads to a heart-to-heart between them.

Another way to show Robert dealing with his issues is having him try to get closer to Sarah and especially Jack. Since the village seems to love throwing his lack of caring at Robert whenever the plot demands it even though I don’t think anyone on the Dingle side even seems to remember who the father of the kids are—Have we even seen Vic or Diane with those kids? Definitely not recently. This storyline would bring so much into it:  Robert’s issues with Andy and trying to really put that behind him and be there for his kids the way Andy would want to if he could have been there; probably dealing with his feelings about his father because Andy even got to name his son after Jack so there’s literally nothing left of Jack for Robert to even have now except the constant reminders of Jack’s disappointment; constantly dealing with the Dingle put-downs about how he’s not good enough for Aaron; dealing with the questions about why he wants to get involved now and how these kids are Dingles and he’s like technically they’re Sugdens too and I just want to have a better relationship with my niece and nephew.

Or use Noah as a substitute. I refuse to believe that these two have not kept in contact. I mean, Robert threatened him and then took care of him while his mother went away with Chas and I just can’t imagine Noah not being like this guy is awesome. (That might just be my own love of Robert blinding me, though) And then maybe Robert helps Noah with some of the bullies he’s facing or with his homework or something. Just giving Noah a place to stay since Charity seems to not have any desire anymore to remember that she even has him.

Imagine the tension any of these situations could have caused if Aaron and Robert were broken up? I mean, Liv feeling like she’s stuck in the middle but feeling like Robert’s the only one she can actually talk to about certain stuff because she doesn’t want to put that all on Aaron and Robert assuring her that no matter what’s happening between him and Aaron he’ll always be there for them if they need him.

And Chas and Charity and Cain giving Robert a hard time about just trying win Aaron back by spending some time with his niece and nephew. Imagine this leading Robert and Debbie to come to some sort of loan agreement that no one else knows about in her currently storyline and it doesn’t come out until later that Robert’s the one who lent her the money and helped her out and people are shocked because Robert’s “one true love” is money and he never misses an opportunity to brag about stuff like that and lord it over people but he’s like I just wanted to help the mother of my niece and nephew because he’s actually trying and people got so mad at him for his investment money and he realized he hadn’t been a huge part of their lives through both his own fault and the Dingles a bit.

Or just imagine Charity’s reaction to Noah hanging out with Robert and he gives her a bit of “It’s not like you’re ever there for him anymore” a la his chats with Paddy.

There’s just so much untapped potential between Robert and already existing characters they could have done this fatherly Robert storyline with. There are ways to be parental without having a biological child.

Reason Three: Getting Robert involved with the Whites (for their exit)

First of all, why? Why does he need to be involved in this at all? You know what would have been fucking amazing? If we watched the Whites going down in flames (or gunshots, whatever) and things are just going to hell and after whatever happens happens, there’s Robert sitting in that smug way of his at Home Farm. Or going to talk to Lawrence’s grave, Chrissie, and Lachlan who I assume will be in prison if he is the person who shoots people, and tells them about how Home Farm is in great hands now and it’s the idea that Robert just swooped in and stole it right from under their nose. Or he’s working with a third party to offer to buy out the company and at the last second it’s revealed to be Robert. The idea of Robert being like, you are all so incompetent I didn’t even have to do anything but wait and watch it burn because Lawrence is so desperate for it to be in family hands that he doesn’t seem to care that his family doesn’t seem to know what they’re doing. (Apart from Chrissie who is amazing and I love her.)

That’s the storyline I would have loved to have seen if Robert has to be involved in Home Farm any more. Why the drugging of Lawrence at all? I mean, we still don’t actually know his end goal here. I can assume that it’s to gain control of Home Farm because it’s what he always does when his life goes to hell, but does he want to own the company? Does he want to be co-owners? Is it against Lawrence? Rebecca? All of them? For how they treated Robert before? Or because of their involvement in his break-up form Aaron? I might be able to buy more into this storyline if I actually knew why Robert was plotting up there and I didn’t have to just pick a reason for myself.

For a change of pace, they could have had Lawrence approach Robert for help and maybe he’s trying it on with Robert because Ronnie left and Robert’s debating going for that hat trick. (What a trash son but I love him.) Or Lawrence realizes that he needs help and as much as he hates it knows that Robert is a good businessman. It turns into this really awkward affair because no one actually likes each other but Lawrence is giving Robert a chunk of the company and we get actual clarification that Robert is the reason Home Farm was doing as well as it was. That Robert truly was the person behind their success. And Lawrence hates to admit it, but he just doesn’t think that Lachlan can manage on his own. And if he splits up the company between himself, Rebecca and Robert—Lachlan getting Lawrence’s shares when Lawrence truly retires/dies—then the White family will still have hold over the company. (At least until Robert convinces Rebecca that this isn’t what she even wants to be doing and eventually buys her share of the company but in a less I’m drugging your father sort of way.)

Or better yet, Chrissie goes to ask for Robert’s help and it’s the return of their relationship, sort of. But the way they wind each other up and hate that they’re impressed with each other would be so much fun to watch especially if Chrissie is leaving. I mean, Chrissie comes to Robert because she doesn’t want to be involved with her dad right now and begs him to help the company because she knows how much it means to him—or assumes it means something to him—and Rebecca clearly has no brain anymore for some reason and her dad’s a mess and she just doesn’t want to see it end this way. This could be so great for them both to get some closure on their relationship—especially between Aaron and Chrissie. There was never really a conversation between them and I think it would have been great to see and this strange almost fight for Robert even though Chrissie doesn’t want him anymore the insecurity she might be feeling is something Aaron might be able to relate to. (Hell, they should have exploited this dynamic for this garbage broken up storyline. Especially since Robert cheated on Aaron he now knows what it feels like a bit.)

Or if you’re pairing him with Chrissie, what if they’re both working together to sell Home Farm? Chrissie is still angry with her dad for lying to her and she doesn’t really want to hurt him but also doesn’t think it’s fair that Rebecca and Lawrence should reap the benefits of all Chrissie and Robert’s hard work. So she approaches Robert and tells him that she has an offer for him, her only rule is that he cannot own the company at the end and he agrees because he doesn’t actually want it but any chance to take Lawrence and the Whites down a bit is a nice ego boost for him. Especially with Chrissie on his side and we’re reminded again as to how much of a power couple Robert and Chrissie are because they can do so much damage together. It would also be interesting to bring in the tenuous relationship between Chrissie and Rebecca and Chrissie getting answers as to why Robert slept with her and he admits that he only asked her to come back to help clear Andy’s name. It would just be really interesting to see them working together and getting closure, especially if Chrissie’s leaving. Actually give her something to do.

I’m sure there are others but those are the ones I keep seeing the most.

This entire storyline is so exhausting because there’s no real answer as to why they’re doing this storyline. Right now, this entire storyline feels like a way for Aaron to work on himself and his own mental health (though completely off screen) and the Whites leaving. That’s it. It doesn’t feel like a real story for Robert and it definitely isn’t a story for or about Rebecca. I just… don’t understand the point of going this route if that’s all they were trying to do with it. Perhaps I’m completely wrong here and that’s entirely possible, but watching the episodes lately, that’s all that’s coming across to me.

As much as I want a Robert breakdown so the show is forced to deal with Robert in a real way and not a panto villain sort of way, I also don’t feel like they’ve earned it right now. The same goes for a Rebecca was lying/conning Robert the whole time twist. The reason twists like that work is because your audience is invested in the situation you’ve created, not just waiting (and praying) for the moment it’s over.

One day I’ll stop writing so much about Emmerdale and having it invading my thoughts, but today is not that day.

[angeltriestoblog]

I watched a couple of movies! (Part 2)

Back again with the second bunch of my latest quarantine companions! My last post wasn't that long ago, but I’ve already gone through an additional 21 and thanks to the extension of the lockdown and the abrupt cancellation of the rest of my sophomore year in college, I predict that this number will only increase exponentially. I obviously have to start looking for a sustainable way of reviewing the media I consume (probably will try dumping mini-reviews on Letterboxd instead), but until then, here is today’s little catalog: divided into four neat categories so there’s a little bit of everything for everyone.

Dead Poets Society (1989, dir. Peter Weir) ★★★★½

John Keating is the teacher we secretly deserved yet never had, which is probably what's behind the fervent loyalty audiences have had for this movie since its release around three decades ago. His methods of teaching are admittedly unorthodox, but they effectively instill in fictional students and real-life audiences the core message: to seize the day and be extraordinary. I definitely would have appreciated more of Williams, though: I noticed later on that he was used mostly as a plot device, as the focus started to shift to the impact his words had on the group of young boys under his tutelage. But, thankfully they are endearing and lovable in their own little ways (special mention goes to ambitious Neil, played by Robert Sean Leonard; and Ethan Hawke as timid Todd), which is why the last half-hour remains one of the heaviest in recent memory.

Mrs. Doubtfire (1993, dir. Chris Columbus) ★★★★

When Daniel Hillard’s (Robin Williams) wife splits up with him and takes their kids, he disguises himself as an English nanny called Mrs. Doubtfire and applies as their housekeeper to be with them. Not exactly the most realistic and practical approach to an issue as serious as divorce, but it succeeds by banking on heartfelt humor to strike a chord in products of broken families. When you take his several antics, punchlines, and vocal impersonations aside, he is simply a father willing to do anything for his children. Williams was destined to be the lead for this: his comedic timing, sheer versatility, and natural ability to bring joy remain unparalleled. Such a shame I didn't get to grow up with this guy, but maybe this saved me a lot of heartbreak.

Catch Me If You Can (2002, dir. Steven Spielberg) ★★★★★

A con man successfully cashes in millions of dollars worth of checks as a Pan Am pilot, doctor, and lawyer, whilst evading the FBI agent who’s hot on his heels. And this is all before he turns 19 years old--what a total underachiever. The best part? It’s a true story. I find it hard to believe that this clever cat-and-mouse story lasted more than two hours: it's easy to lose track of time thanks to its dynamic and snappy screenplay, coupled with the chemistry of its brilliant lead actors (no less than Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks). But beneath the complex and technical aspects of his scams that have high entertainment and educational value lie touching moments that may be admittedly easy to miss. At the end of the day, these escapades were nothing but some twisted coping mechanism of Frank Abagnale, Jr.’s to deal with the divorce of his parents. *blows nose into handkerchief* Wow, I seriously didn't think something could be so fast and fun, yet so depressing either!

Good Will Hunting (1997, dir. Gus Van Sant) ★★★★★

Academy Award-winning writers Matt Damon and Ben Affleck may look like they share a solitary brain cell in total (a prime example would be this footage of their acceptance speech), but it was the power that radiated from that which brought us this instant favorite of mine. This engrossing story revolves around a janitor at MIT, with a genius-level IQ but a troubled and traumatic past. A scuffle with a police officer leads him to Sean, his therapist (and platonic soulmate) who breaks down his dangerous defense mechanisms and self-destructive patterns, helps him tackle his inner demons, and ultimately transforms his life. There is a lot to adore about this film that’s equal parts wit and heart, but my favorite has to be the razor-sharp and realistic dialogue between Damon and Williams. Smoothly transitioning from topic to topic—genuine friendship, abusive relationships, and everything in between—it gives us the opportunity to monitor Will’s growth while carefully examining these aspects of our own lives. With every word said, the audience is reminded once again of any person's innate capacity to change for the better as long as someone else believes in them.

Lost in Translation (2003, dir. Sofia Coppola) ★★★

Film Twitter and the Letterboxd community both made this out to be an outstanding piece of modern cinema, so I went in with very high expectations only to be sorely disappointed and unable to understand the hype behind it. This revolves around two lonely people who find solace in each other and the unfamiliar and unpredictable territory they're in, a storyline brimming with potential that just fell flat to me. I normally appreciate the beauty in silent and ambient scenes, but the ones that made up a huge bulk of this feature didn’t have substance—it was similar to watching mashed-up clips from some random travel vlog. I did find the choice of location fitting though, I am now a hundred percent convinced I should travel to Japan once this pandemic is over. And Scarlett Johansson is incredibly talented for her age: her ability to channel and characterize emotions that a 17-year-old may not even be able to comprehend is above par, which is the main reason why this gets a passing rating from me.

Forrest Gump (1994, dir. Robert Zemeckis) ★★★★★

What I would give to run into a chocolate-eating, Nike Cortez-wearing Forrest Gump at a bus stop, and hear him tell me these fantastic stories himself! This heartwarming tale shows the manner in which he weaved himself into significant historical narratives (literally and figuratively, thanks to the power of deepfake) and injects timeless lessons along the way. Tom Hanks is undoubtedly brilliant as the titular role, and as we see the world according to this feeble-minded and well-meaning man, we come to admire his values, appreciate his efforts, and forgive his occasional shortcomings. In this fast-paced and overly complicated world that we struggle to navigate, this can serve as a necessary breather, a reminder of the simple joys that the world has to offer.

Celeste and Jesse Forever (2012, dir. Lee Toland Krieger) ★★★★

I think this is the first time I’ve witnessed a breakup end rather amicably on the big screen: there's no screamfest that concludes with a cold slap to the face and a dramatic walkout, or a courtroom confrontation that unearths past transgressions, et cetera. Instead, the leads are forced to confront the fact that the friendship they have forged years before that eventually blossomed into something more will never be the same again. Even if they want to so, so bad. I guess that’s why this is so heartbreaking, and thus the perfect companion for any person in the process of finding themselves after the demise of a long-term relationship. Celeste (Rashida Jones) meanders through the process with an extreme lack of finesse—which is the most realistic way to do so—that heavily accentuates her several fatal flaws. But, she manages to finish strong, emerging as a self-reflective and action-driven version of who she was in the beginning. I definitely wanted additional exposure for Jesse (Andy Samberg), though, who was not only surprisingly tender and sensitive in contrast to the Jake Peralta we know and love (and want to pick on), but also an unexpected perfect onscreen match for Jones.

A Star is Born (2018, dir. Bradley Cooper) ★★★★

The third remake of the 1937 movie starring Janet Gaynor and Fredric March, this edition of A Star is Born strays far from the paths traversed by its predecessors (and this I am aware of, from that film analysis video binge I did recently). It’s the first to give Jackson Maine (Bradley Cooper), the has-been with a raging alcohol and drug problem, extensive back story that draws audiences closer to him. But, this character arc comes at the expense of Ally's, the talented singer that he propels to fame, played by Lady Gaga. It was a shame she wasn’t fleshed out as much as she should have been, given that Gaga was a natural, her vulnerability a far cry from her outrageous onstage persona. But, then again, expectations must be kept realistic: it would’ve been impossible to cram that into the specified duration. Nevertheless, I thoroughly appreciated it: though rehashed several times, a romance done this way keeps its key components while catering to the preferences of this generation. The soundtrack is outstanding, and the climax—though somewhat expected—finds new ways to reduce us to a puddle of tears, particularly as the last song number start to roll.

Fall in Love At First Kiss (2019, dir. Frankie Chen) ★★½

Our Times has been a favorite of mine for years, so I couldn't believe that I missed this work from the same director which starred the same male lead during its initial release. Turns out it didn’t make much of a difference whether I watched it or not. The storyline was silly, but forgivably so: in a school where students are segregated based on intelligence, a stupid girl is smitten by the smartest boy in school and gets rejected as soon as she confesses. Consequently, hell breaks loose after they are forced to live together for reasons you have to see to believe. I remember enjoying the first half, squirming in my seat because of Jiang Zhishu (Darren Wang) every chance I'd get. I can’t pinpoint where exactly it started going wrong, but I remember realizing that it is possible for something to drag along, yet also move so fast: to bore me with excessive detail in a single scene, then cut to the next so fast it loses a sense of continuity. In addition to that, the female lead (Jelly Lin) was so unbearable in terms of her acting style and character development (or lack thereof). She seemed to think that constantly complaining in her shrill voice and thrashing her limbs was a fitting substitute for dialogue, thus making it difficult to want her to get her happily ever after. Also, I’ve had pretty intense crushes in the past few years but what she has for Zhishu is bordering more on an unhealthy obsession—I have trouble believing he reacted so calmly to the shrine that she built for him (which included life-size pillows with his face on it).

The Object of My Affection (1998, dir. Nicolas Hytner) ★★½

I was very confused as to why I had never heard of a chick flick that starred two of my favorite actors from the 90s, but now I understand why it didn't take off. (Phoebe would probably share my sentiments. What's her best friend doing with her husband anyway? And why is he attracted to men?) Nina (Jennifer Aniston) is hopelessly in love with her gay best friend George (Paul Rudd), so much so that she decides she wants to raise her unborn child with him instead of with her overbearing and borderline manipulative boyfriend (John Pankow). Though it wasn't a complete disaster given that she didn't successfully convert him, Nina was far too demanding, constantly overstepping her boundaries, and feeding her delusions. Maybe it could afford a modern retelling since I know our generation could tackle the concepts of platonic soulmates and LGBTQ+ relationships in a way that is simultaneously vibrant and sensitive.

How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days (2003, dir. Donald Petrie) ★★★★★

Once I had tried my luck in a number of different genres, I decided to reward myself with a return to the cheesy, corny, and conventional chick flicks I am familiar with—and I’m glad that I picked this one! Andie Anderson (Kate Hudson) is a magazine columnist with her biggest scoop yet: an article on how to lose a guy in 10 days. To test this idea out, she tries it out on Ben Barry (Matthew McConaughey), who’s on a mission to make a girl fall for him within that duration as well. Their conflicting agendas lead to disastrously hilarious results as they realize that they’re both *gasp* catching feelings for each other! I enjoyed this very much despite the predictability, although I’m honestly unable to judge it based on any criteria other than what I felt which was pure and utter, slamming-the-table, throwing-my-stuffed-toy-across-the-room “kilig”.

Just My Luck (2006, dir. Donald Petrie) ★½

I didn’t expect this to be on the forgettable side of the romcom spectrum, when it had Chris Pine as the leading man and Brit-pop band McFly lending their music to most of the scenes (the sole redeeming factor I found). But, I guess it’s Lindsay Lohan’s character and her surprising lack of chemistry with the equally attractive and talented person opposite her that killed it for me. Here, she plays Ashley, the luckiest girl in the world who gets everything her way and is thus as snobbish and stuck-up as you’d expect her to be. A chance encounter brings her to Jake, who is the human equivalent of a black cat standing in front of a broken mirror, and swaps their fate. She is then left to deal with poorly contrived misfortunes with effects that are bordering on slapstick comedy: she gets doused in mud, mildly electrocuted, and soaked in bubbles shortly after blowing up a washing machine and I get that they’re probably supposed to be funny, but all I’m seeing is a live-action version of the Looney Tunes show.

Eighth Grade (2018, dir. Bo Burnham) ★★★★★

Entering our awkward preteen years has always come with a certain and specific kind of mortification, but I reckon it’s become increasingly difficult in the age of the Internet. It’s become easier to find fault in oneself for the pettiest of reasons: why isn’t my crush accepting my friend request? Why do I look like a monster in my #wokeuplikethis selfies? Why is no one viewing my YouTube videos even if I work hard on them? Eighth Grade encapsulates this difficult period in the lives of Gen Z kids with the use of experiences and references which are so specific to this generation: I may have gotten whiplash more times than I would care to admit. Elsie Fisher shines in her painfully relatable performance as Kayla: you can sense her desperation for social acceptance. She just wants to be worth noticing and remembering, is that so bad! Although his role is often overshadowed, I also felt for her dad (Josh Hamilton), who tries to hide the struggle of looking out for a daughter who's growing in ways he simply can't understand.

Boyhood (2014, dir. Richard Linklater) ★★★

This ambitious effort by the director of my favorite film trilogy observes the growth and development of a typical American boy named Mason. No fancy plot devices or major conflicts are in sight, but by using the keeping the cast members fixed during the 12 years it took to put this project together instead of swapping them out for older counterparts, audiences are expected to form an emotional connection with them because they were given an intimate and prolonged look into their lives. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case for me. Yes, I did watch him grow up before my eyes, but I barely know who he is. These mundane snippets of his life haphazardly stitched together, without any indication of how much time has elapsed since the previous scene, made it hard to keep up with the pace and look at the viewing experience as anything but a chore. I honestly am puzzled as to why I endured 165 minutes (I’m kidding, it was for Ethan Hawke) worth of footage, and sadly it wasn’t even worth it.

Brooklyn (2015, dir. John Crowley) ★★★★

This drama about the migration of an Irish girl to New York to seek better opportunities delves into the concept of what home truly is, as Eilis is left to choose between two men from two different countries. Divided into three segments revolving around pivotal events in the protagonist’s life, it sensitively tackles the experiences and issues familiar to any immigrant, remains true to the period it is set in, and engaging to audience members of all ages. Most in the historical genre are incapable of doing all three, so that's definitely no mean feat! And I’m not biased because Saoirse Ronan plays the starring role, although her compelling performance renders it impossible for anyone who claims to have a beating heart to finish this without puffy eyes and a heavy chest.

Happy Old Year (2019, dir. Nawapol Thamrongrattanarit) ★★★★

I thought Chutimon Chuengcharoensukying couldn’t top her role in Bad Genius, but she just had to come along and star in this personal take on new beginnings. Here, she plays Jean, a girl in the process of decluttering her house so she can transform it into an office space. While sifting through her possessions, she finds certain things belonging to people from her past, that remind her of broken relationships and question her philosophies on forgiveness and letting go. Her performance may be understated compared to the cunning and reckless Lynn she has become popular for, but I see this mastery of restraint as indication of her growth as an actress. The film is relatively simple in its execution, staying true to its central theme of minimalism. By stripping the structure down to the bare essentials of actor and dialogue, the audience can focus on the poignancy ingrained in the most mundane part of our everyday routines.

The Edge of Seventeen (2016, dir. Kelly Fremon Craig) ★★★★

It's actually true that a coming-of-age movie has been written based on every definitive moment a teenage girl experiences, they weren’t lying. The Edge of Seventeen could serve as part of Eighth Grade's cinematic universe, but instead we’re dealing with another reflection of who we were (or maybe still are). Nadine (Hailee Steinfeld) is a teen constantly teetering between arrogant self-assurance and sheer hopelessness. When she loses her best friend to her worst nemesis, she suddenly has to learn to navigate the ups and downs of adolescence and deal with her mental illness on her own. Besides focusing on the several firsts that we often encounter during this stage in our lives, the film accurately portrays our angsty and self-deprecating nature without resorting to mockery, therefore calling us out on this reflex we have of beating ourselves up and giving those around us permission to do so during such a critical part of our lives. I swore I was actually going to try not to cry here, but I guess Nadine's tearful monologue left me with no choice. (I'll leave it below so you can suffer with me.)

You know, ever since we were little, I would get this feeling like, like I’m floating outside of my body, looking down at myself… and I hate what I see: how I’m acting, the way I sound, and I don’t know how to change it. And I’m so scared that the feeling is never gonna go away.

The Kingmaker (2019, dir. Lauren Greenfield) ★★★★

This documentary is a fitting introduction for anyone who isn't familiar with the ill-gotten wealth and abuses the Marcoses have lying underneath their glossy veneer of opulence as well as the consequences of their actions that we suffer from to this day. Greenfield’s juxtaposition of this family’s fabricated stories and the testimonies of victims and first-hand witnesses was a smart move, as we observe the lengths they often go to, to revise the course of history. By spotting the parallels in their narrative and that of Rodrigo Duterte, the next strongman the voting population would unfortunately elect as their leader, we are also given a glimpse into the selective amnesia of the Filipino people that keeps these people in power. The danger lies in the fact that being an outsider herself, Greenfield leaves plenty of room for interpretation: there is no clear-cut statement of what was right and wrong among the several interweaving statements we heard. I was able to determine which was which is due to the fact that I already had prior knowledge, but where does that leave those who don't?

By the way, if you’re wondering why this has been grouped under this category, it’s because I remembered from Grade 6 science class that anger is one way to trigger adrenaline in the body.

Inception (2010, dir. Christopher Nolan) ★★★★★

Perfect always felt like a lazy way to describe what is supposed to be of superior quality. If you want to sing praises about anything that good, you're gonna have to do a better job than that to convince anyone that it's worth their time: was it inventive and bold or cerebral or emotional? Well, I'm afraid I have to bend this rule for Inception for the sake of brevity, because if I leave myself to ramble on about everything this did right, I would surely run out of adjectives. This sci-fi-heist-psychological thriller is in a league of its own, with its intricate plot and layered method of storytelling further amplified by stellar cast performances, masterful editing and special effects, and a thundering musical score that keeps audiences on edge for the entirety of its run. These elements come together to create a production that resonates and lingers with viewers long after the credits have rolled, partly thanks to that highly disputed final scene. (If my opinion is worth anything here, I believed that it stopped. Iykyk.)

The Lobster (2015, dir. Yorgos Lanthimos) ★★★★½

In this dystopian society, single people are required to check into a hotel in the hopes of finding a suitable partner within 45 days. If they fail to do so, they are sentenced to live the rest of their lives as an animal of their choice. It’s an absurd plot, far removed from reality, executed in a bleak and dry fashion. Yet, it manages to mirror and even satirize the world of modern relationships rather profoundly, particularly the societal pressure to couple up and find our ideal match instantly, or face harsh judgment. I doubt I've watched anything this dark in my life, but I found the unpredictable twists and turns, the deadpan humor, the sheer strangeness of it all very amusing and recommend it to anybody who wants to learn a thing or two about how blind love can be.

Ocean’s Eleven (2001, dir. Steven Soderbergh) ★★★★

I admit I was as pissed as Rusty Ryan (Brad Pitt) following his discovery that the reason why Danny Ocean (George Clooney) was keen on carrying out an elaborate heist of the three biggest casinos in Las Vegas was to win his wife (Julia Roberts) back. But, along the way, I was reeled in by the airtight pacing of the multiple scams that were a part of the scheme and the natural banter that takes place among the members of the ensemble. Also, it’s quite impossible to be annoyed at something that starred so many big names during the peak of their careers. (I have a soft spot for Matt Damon, thanks a lot Good Will Hunting.) Although I already knew what was going to happen, it was a joyride to see everything unfold. Based on the ending (and the copies of Ocean’s Twelve and Thirteen that my dad owned as a kid), I can tell that it’s far from over and I’m surely looking forward to what happens next.

So, that’s it for today’s round-up! Hope something caught your interest: I’d be happy to send 123m*vies links for any of those that aren’t available on Netflix. Feel free to hit me up too: I'm honestly up for thought-provoking discussions and straight-up keyboard smashing. Wishing you love and light always, and don’t forget to wash your hands, check your privilege and pray for our frontliners!

[defunctblogtobedeleted]

8/9/19 12:34 AM the super update. aka get your shit together Endgame post 1/?

Well. Here I am. It’s hard to even approach this post, to be honest. I’ve been procrastinating for so long. So long that it’s actually the last real thing I have left on my to do list.

Check this out.

I’ve been working hard at doing things lately. And catching up with you is basically the last thing left to do.

I finally spring cleaned all of my clothes and got rid of a ton of stuff that didn’t fit one way or another. 

I started playing guitar again.

I got my shit together with my job, got a bunch of online credits that I’d been procrastinating on. Started doing all the possible work I could every night to make my boss happy and it’s been making me a fuckton more money tbh. 

I’ve bought a bunch of cool shit, and been treating myself right with my food. I gained a bunch of weight back during the past year during my relationship with Andi. It’s not a terrible thing, I was treating myself. She convinced me that I deserved to treat myself and enjoy myself and that’s not a bad thing. But now I’m doing what I call Keto+, which is Keto+Beer lmfao.

I’m still going out drinking whenever I want, but for my meals I’ve stopped eating breads and rice and pasta, mostly just eating chipotle (just graduated to doing salads instead of bowls with light rice, though I wasn’t eating the rice just a bite here and there), sashimi from Hmart, lately once in a while a five guys lettuce wrap burger, back to doing salami and mozzarella at home. 

I’ve taken to fasting once a week on my thursday night shift (tonight), to try to accelerate the weight loss, but it’s not like my pov diets before because I’m still eating nuts.

It’s been a progression of increasing the amount I’ve been running (from one day to two days, to usually two maybe three days a week now, and the distance is a lot longer now), and cutting off more and more little cheats. E.g. the biggest was finally embracing sparkling waters instead of gatorade. I finally got to try Spindrift off a recommendation from a magic the gathering podcast, and it’s incredible. Only like 3 calories a can and it actually tastes good from the real juice and not bitter in the aftertaste. 

But anyway, I’ve got plenty of money now. My debts are paid, I’m ahead on bills, I’ve got all the sweet clothes I wanted, so I finally made the call last week.

It’s time to fix my car’s bumper. I’ll try to remember to get one last picture of lexi before I fix her broken front tooth.

Do you know what that means?

It’s the Endgame.

The Get Your Shit Together List I put together years ago... well let’s take a look at what’s left of it. The sad thing about digital to do lists is you don’t see the progression though. Wish I knew what was on there. I think a lot of it was losing weight, but I skipped the whole being healthy part before.

God damn, man.

Doc last edited Oct 2, 2018. I guess I started writing this plan out Jan 2017. I think my biggest priorities then were to cut down spending and pay off my debts. 

I never started exfoliating lol. I wonder if I should do that for my nose.

I didn’t give ashleigh her plane credit part because fuckit. I did end up using mine though, to take that trip to Hawaii to visit John. Pretty fucking baller. I guess that was another big step towards getting my shit together, too.

Quit melee, but now I’ve been playing again playing jigglypuff just to hang out with my roommates. It’s really neat not grinding falco, even though I lose a lot the game’s a lot more fun again.

OH MY GOD THOSE BLUE STORAGE CUBES. When I fucking talked about spring cleaning clothes? THATS what I meant. I’ve literally had this shit on my to do list for two YEARS hahahahah. About goddamn time. Holy fuck.

Got my deviated septum fixed, didn’t cost nearly that much thank the lawd.

Just went to the dentist, my teeth are doing great. Ironically they mentioned that I need to consider replacing one of the fillings that I mention getting here eventually. 

I did finally get a new laptop and backup the old one, uploaded that info to throw it out about two weeks ago. 

Actually got sweet ass new shoes booya checkem

I’m not vaping anymore, the whole juul pod fad never hit me. I’m doing cigarettes still, for better or for worse. Lol. I’ll take the cancer I know over the one I don’t.

But it’s better than I was when I was writing this list, I used to have to smoke one every single day after work. Maybe that was because I was hungry, but it was always this poignant craving on the back porch that I remember. Now I just like smoking when I drink mostly, but have the occasional one to chat with people or whatever.

Playing guitar again, not frequently, might start at work more since I’m playing the electric since I don’t have an acoustic available. Maybe I’ll even learn these songs. Playing guitar is great though, I kinda wanna be in a band sometime. That’d be fucking neat. Someone invited me to sing for his drunkenly at karaoke lol I should hit him up it’s been a minute. 

Got my nintendo switch, which I think was so far out of consideration that I deleted it from the fun stuff section. 

Who’d have thought I’d ACTUALLY start running and drinking water more. I guess I’m the greatest lmao.

Yeah man, like 15 pounds over the past 2 months. I think a lot of it was easy food weight, but it’s felt really rewarding all the same. Gotta keep it up, this 175 hurdle has been a tough nut to crack, but I’m gonna be really proud of myself once I get into the 160s territory again. I’m doing pullups slightly more, maybe I need to do the whole situps-pushups-pullups regimen right before/after running to really push it. Idk, i’m just glad i’m being good about it.

I’m even flossing once a week now.

Things are really shaping up. 

But with money in my bank account there are three options that I have.

1. Save it by buying stocks

2. Blow it by buying a bunch of dumb shit

3. Finish off the to do list and actually get my bumper fixed.

I wanted to ignore 3 because it feels like a dumb expense for a minor aesthetic, but I guess in view of all these things I’ve accomplished it really does mean quite a bit more than that. So I made a claim on a ding on the side of my car and I’m gonna see if I can get it all fixed up. I’ve actually taken on a few extra days of work lately and made even MORE extra money, so I don’t think it should knock me back financially at all. Which means that it’s time. 

I’m finally doing it.

It feels really cool. I’m a little bit anxious about it in the sense that it’s gonna be annoying if they deny me getting the bumper fixed because of the collision damage that I never reported. But whatever we’ll cross that bridge in a few weeks when I get the damage inspected and see what happens.

This has been my brag post. Hope you were able to tolerate it all. But that’s only the first phase of catching up. It’s only been a half hour of writing! I’ve got a lot of time left at work tonight and I might even spend a lot of this weekend at Darlin’s catching up if I have to. Catching up with this blog is as big a part of getting my shit together as scheduling my appointment with the car insurance was.

So what I mean to say is we’re gonna catch all the way through my greensboro days up to now. I have some saucy tales and some not-so-saucy ones. I’ve got a full relationship to blab about, and honestly one thing that I had promised her and was on a bunch of my old to do lists was to do like a whole pro-con listing about her persona, which felt weird and I kept procrastinating on but god dammit I’m gonna get everything off my to do lists. 

So I looked back a little and it looks like the last posts I made were about sally, Becky,  whatever the hell my dealings with Taylor were, and the beginnings of Mary. Which means that we’re gonna flesh out Mary, and then you’ve got Sophie, Rachel, Olivia, Andi, Jennifer, Heather, and Jill to look forward to.  Whew baby.

[littlelegsltd]

The story of my battle with Post Natal Depression that I hid behind a smile 💕

Hi all,

As many of you know, I suffered with Post Natal Depression but I have never shared the raw detail of it with you. Since I always encourage you all to be open and honest about how you are feeling, I felt it was only fair to practise what I preach and shed more light on what I went through.  I hope it helps some of you realise that you are not alone.

 It was my experience that drove me to set up Little Legs – to help new parents (hopefully) never feel like I did. Now I am not sharing this for sympathy or anything other than to show you that I have a great understanding of PND and the impact it can have on you as a parent, a partner, a friend… just know that I am here to hold your hand and help you.

 Here’s my story.

 The photo shows the four of us looking happy – in fact, it could be a very typical ‘husband, wife and their 2.4 kids’ family photo. But this photo was taken at what was possibly the worst time of my life. This is why I never take photos and images posted on social media at face value. This is also the reason I like meeting other mums face-to-face – I have great intuition as many of you know from the messages I have dropped you after a class!

 So, I found out I was pregnant with my second child, Daniel, in January 2013. The pregnancy was planned, but it happened quicker than I had anticipated. In all honesty, I didn't react very well at all. This was the start of my prenatal depression. I instantly thought I had made a massive mistake – what if Aimee hated me? What if I had ruined her life? As the weeks passed, these nagging doubts continued to haunt me. We had our first scan and, as I sat there, I just spent the time worrying that I could be having twins and then Aimee would really hate me, and I couldn't possibly have a girl as I couldn't love another girl as much. These thoughts overwhelmed me; they caused frequent panic attacks, but I hid them from everyone. Why was I being so ungrateful? I literally had everything, yet I felt awful. At the sexing scan, Daniel crossed his legs and hid his bits – I was devastated. I needed to know it wasn't a girl. The next day, I called my husband and asked if we could have a private scan. He knew it was coming so he agreed and we booked it. We found out we were having a boy and I felt relieved.

 I hated being pregnant with Daniel; I was uncomfortable, I binged on food and pretended to the world I was happy. After a relatively straightforward, uncomplicated labour he arrived. He was bruised as he came out so quickly, and my bits had ‘given him a love bite’ apparently!!

That night on the ward I stared at him for hours; he was awesome – a weird, purple-looking thing with a nose bigger than his face and lots of hair, but he was my boy! I couldn't wait to introduce him to Aimee. 

 The next day I was discharged and something in me switched, I don't know what it was, but I barely remember much of anything from then until 3 months later when we were at Butlins. Everyone had gone off, and I was alone with Daniel. I looked at him and said out loud, “Wow…you’re my little boy." 

 Don't get me wrong, I was a good mum to him, but I was in a permanent daze. I spent a lot of time crying, and Aimee (aged 2) learned very quickly to just hold me and wipe my tears. I will never be able to forgive myself for this. Andy (hubby) was working in Birmingham and had to take a lot of time off work as I just couldn't cope. We got through those days and weeks, yet neither of us realised just how bad it was. 

Leading up to Christmas that year, Aimee finally reacted to having a little brother and refused to make eye contact with me. I knew it was ‘normal’, but I felt even more broken. She had become my comfort blanket, and now she wasn’t there for me.

 Christmas Day arrived and I was excited as always. Aimee opened her Baby Annabell doll and it didn’t cry like I expected it to, and the anxiety crept in – I had failed, I had ruined Christmas. 

 We had planned to go to our local for Christmas lunch. We arrived and sat down at our table. I felt like I was invisible, in a bubble. We were surrounded by people cheering and enjoying themselves, and I just wanted to hide. Aimee asked for ketchup with her meal, so I put some on her plate, but she pushed it away – she wanted Daddy to do it. Daniel cried for milk, so Andy helpfully gave him his bottle. I looked at my family and couldn’t have felt more alone; they didn’t need or want me. 

I could feel a panic attack coming so I said I needed the toilet. I hid in the cubicle to breathe and cry. 

When we got back after lunch, the rest of the day was a blur. 

When teatime arrived, Aimee, Andy and Daniel were all in the lounge. I looked at them all, realising I needed to go so I said I was going out for some air.

I grabbed my phone and keys and got into my car. Up to this point, I had had several thoughts of driving my car head on into a tree to make all the pain go. I decided it was the right time to ‘go’. 

I set off, heading to the place with the tree that would end all my pain. As I drove, I passed a local park and something made me go into the car park. I parked up and grabbed my phone. I called my work friend – she picked up and I said, “I don’t belong to my family.” As it was Christmas Day, I was surprised she had answered. She told me to stay where I was and she would call me back in twenty minutes. I watched the clock and waited. As promised, she called me back and I repeated, “I don’t belong to my family”. I don’t remember the rest of the conversation other than agreeing to go home and tell Andy I needed help. I did as I was told. 

When I got home, I went into the lounge – no one had moved! I told Andy I needed help and he hugged me. 

We arranged to have marriage counselling actually! At the first session, the counsellor said, “You two are going to be fine, but you, Kirstie, you are really poorly. I want to help you.”

 We completed 6 weeks of counselling together; we had been through so much so it was great for us. I then saw a separate counsellor and returned to her 3 months later. I spent 2 years with her in the end! 

I also arranged to see my GP who prescribed medication which I still take; I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will be on it for life and, honestly, I’m ok with that! 

It took a long time for Daniel and I to connect, sadly. He was all about Daddy, it became a running joke that he wouldn’t come to me! If he fell over and I picked him up, he would cry. While learning to walk, he would happily walk away from me and never ever come to me.  I laughed and encouraged the joke – but it was my way of coping as it hurt so much. To be honest, I don’t think I gave him much emotionally as I was so empty. 

When Daniel turned 14 months, something switched for both of us. This was the start of our amazing relationship! He is now a fully-fledged Mummy’s boy – we are as thick as thieves, we are so alike, we are both the naughty ones, and we just ‘get’ each other. Fortunately, what happened didn’t taint us. 

I still struggle with ‘Mummy guilt’, but don’t we all? I make mistakes and beat myself up, but don’t we all? I’m not perfect, but in the eyes of my children, I’m the perfect Mummy, and that is what counts.

I can now look back on my battle with PND in a positive light as it made me who I am; I wouldn’t have my Little Legs business without it, and my motivation and passion to help others is stronger than it’s ever been. I will continue to fight for greater awareness around PND and all mental health issues. 

I hope, in sharing this story, that those of you who have been through similar experiences will realise that you are not alone. I am here for you and if you feel anything like I did, or know someone dealing with similar issues, please get in touch so I can help you 💕

[scarfninjawrites]

Scarfninja’s Jukebox/Music Writing Tag

Inspired to do this tag by @shaelinwrites even though I wasn’t tagged (you can see her post here). Of course, this gave me a great excuse to my another playlist on 8tracks again, which you can listen to here. 

The rules are:

1. List lyrics that best describe your characters from your manuscript (doesn’t have to be current)

2. List at least three characters/lyrics

Also, thanks to @sarahkelsiwrites for creating this. I love doing these sorts of posts so I hope to do it some justice. Here we go!

HOPE : “So you can throw me to the wolves/Tomorrow I will come back/Leader of the whole pack" Throne - Bring Me the Horizon 

To be honest, this song could pretty much describe like 90% of my characters. But seeing as Hope literally drags herself through hell, I think it’s best suited for her.

Hope is from the first arc of my first, giant project, which I refer to as The Saga. She’s the first of eight chosen to change the system of magic within their world. A bit of a stoic, you might be shocked to see how protective and loyal she is to her friends and family.

Also she has lightning magic. get it?

LOLA: “And I don't give a damn about my reputation/Never said I wanted to improve my station"  Bad Reputation - Avril Lavigne 

The second heroine of The Saga. Fun fact: Lola is actually the protagonist of the very first book I ever wrote. Also, like her successor, Rouge, I primarily associate her with the color red.

Lola is the closest thing I have to an anti-heroine. She has less gripes with doing morally gray things if it means achieving her goal. Admittedly, her motivation, returning ancient relics to where they belong, is a pretty pure one. But she has no problems with killing or blackmailing people, and she’s certainly not afraid of standing up to people.

She’s been discriminated against for her entire life for being a halfling, so she’s pretty jaded. 

ANDY: "One breath in this moment/We'll stay 'til we're chosen, and through it all/With our eyes wide open/We'll fight 'til we're broken/We rise and fall" Rise & Fall (Krewella Mix) - Adventure Club (feat. Krewella) 

The Saga’s third heroine, and another halfling. She’s also a knight, and has a strong sense of morality and holds her ethics in high regard. Probably the most honorable of the six Saga heroines.

Needless to say, Andy is not afraid of dying in battle if she thinks it will help. She takes her status as a knight and bodyguard super seriously. I can’t talk about her too much without getting into some spoiler territory, unfortunately.

I picked this song for her because I think it has a nice “breathy” element to it that she would really like. That’s probably a weird way of describing it, but it gets at her essence. 

SHARONA: "I'm such a star/Queen boulevard/Blaze through the dark/And never stop, it's how we ride/Comin' up until we die" Break the Rules - Charli XCX 

Sharona, or should I say, Princess Sharona, is The Saga’s fourth heroine and arguably its liveliest.

The best way to think of Sharona is if you take the easy-going nature of Son Goku and mixed it with pre-Angel Cordelia. Also while keeping Goku’s battle lust. Essentially, Sharona will do whatever Sharona wants. And if she’s bored, she will let you know in the bluntest terms possible. (”Yes, Mr. Prime Minister, this meeting is a complete drag so I’m going to leave now.”) If it weren’t for her older brother, Aodh , and his mastery of persuasion there would probably be more threats against her life.

Sharona is also easily distracted. Despite in being search of previously mentioned older brother, every time Sharona arrives in a new town, she immediately goes in search for the strongest person around to challenge them to a fight. And she will not leave town without fighting them.

In a contemporary novel, she would be your local party girl and upcoming Instagram model. Would constantly pose with her tongue sticking out and would drive a car with a detached roof just like music videos. 

CHRISSI: "I crawled over broken glass/To find a place in the sun/Was with me all along" Awesome- Darling Violetta 

The Saga’s fifth heroine has no magic or fighting skill, but she has a pretty unique skill. Chrissi is a “jademaker” or someone who specializes in making magically enchanted charms that help with the most mundane of tasks to enhancing entire armies.

In terms of personality, she’s a bit of a proto-Jenna; both are dreamers, and romantics at heart, are super optimistic about life and take a backseat to the hardcore action. Chrissi is a bit more confident in herself, however, and unlike Jenna, she got her formal schooling from going to an academy rather than a tutor.

Since the fourth and fifth arcs of The Saga have the shortest time gap (only four years), she’s actually introduced during Sharona’s story, and they have cute nicknames for each other - “Cupcake” and “Roni”. (Chrissi was only eleven at the time, cut her a break. Judge Sharona more). Despite all the teasing, Chrissi really looks up to her and wants to do well by her. In fact, Sharona was the one who encouraged Chrissi’s dream of studying and becoming a great jademaker.

CLARISSE/LIESE: "We play with fire/These yellow marks get glowing/Ember on the wire, I'm burning with you on this black tar road/When it feels this good, you don't let go" One Bad Night - Hayley Kiyoko

The last heroine of The Saga is also the youngest at fourteen. Until the night she was attacked by zombie (yes the story really goes there), she had no idea she was a fire mage. She was under the impression that her life would be normal (or rather, as normal as it can get in this world) and being inducted into an underground resistance was not part of that plan.

These lyrics were picked more for an on the nose reason - her fire magic. I think an older Liese would listen to a lot of Hayley Kiyoko and relate to her though, especially this song. More or less, she’s a pretty typical teenager thrust into a situation she’s unprepared for. Like Sharona, she thrives off of parties and people, though she’s got more tact and lacks Roni’s confidence.

Also, Liese is her nickname I chose because of one of my favorite video game characters. 

JENNA FELDBERN: "Waiting for love/Waiting for the same or/Dreaming on the other side/Hoping no matter how far I'll find my way to you/Following a rainbow" Rainbow - Colbie Caillat 

Hardcore romantic lesbian witch. Jenna’s story is probably the most easygoing I’ve ever written, and Elixir’s playlist (not the mini mix) has a lot of Colbie Caillat. This and One Fine Wire describe her best.

Jenna aspires to greatness, and wants to see if she has any secret witch abilities. It’s unlikely, considering the magic gene runs pretty low in her family. It was a major surprise that her mother was born a witch at all. Still, Jenna is determined to evolve her skills.

More to be revealed in my eventual All About My Novel post for Elixir of Heaven.

MELISSA: "My friends ain't gotta worry more/They meet outside the corner store/And walk the pavement, miss the cracks/I’d join them if I could relax" Hang It Up - The Ting Tings 

Melissa is from a short story I wrote called “From the Sidelines”. It’s essentially the story of a mistreated sidekick trying to do the right thing in the face of abuse and incompetence. 

In short, she’s Hermoine - super smart and gets everything done only for the “hero” to get all the credit. It’s only when she has her views challenged by the sidekick of the story’s villain that she has to really consider whether or not she can continue fighting the good fight the same way.

She also has a really cool friend she’d rather be hanging out with most of the time but can’t because of freakin’ Kevin.

ROUGE DELAVILLE: "We fight for the dream/We fight to the death/We fight for control" Fight Like A Girl - Emilie Autumn 

The second heroine associated with the color red. Rouge is from my Little Red Riding Hood reimagining Captain Rouge. Which is basically a retelling with sailing and magic.

She’s pretty similar to Sharona, though a bit more diluted. She’s also no where near as extroverted, and when actually trying to make friends, she struggles a bit. She’s kind of lonely. She’s also the only other noble character I have.

Still, Rouge has no problems speaking her mind, and has dreams of sailing across the oceans to see other countries. She’s definetely a fighter, and can often be seen training with either her gun or in hand-to-hand combat. She gets to sent to her grandmother to work at her shipyard, since her parents can’t tolerate her “bad attitude.” Rouge is also asexual and aromantic and has zero desire of being tied down in a political marriage, something that causes her endless stress. It’s also caused a strain in her relationship with her sister, Bianca.

I’ll be talking a bit more about her in my All About My Novel post for Captain Rouge, so I’ll cap it here.

MARIA VALENTINA: "Made of concrete made of gold/I am young and I am old/Preach the Son's eternity/You tell them lies/You tell them all" I Am Shell, I Am Bone - Gazelle Twin 

I’ve brought up this song a bunch of times, and I mentioned that it was one of the biggest inspirations for The Twilight Court, and specifically one of its main characters. I never revealed what her name was though.

Maria is one of the POVs in part 2 of the book. I can’t really tell you all that much more about her role, so here are some trivia facts instead: she’s also associated with the color red. She’s Italian and Catholic. Maria isn’t her real name. She’s unknowingly asexual and aromantic.

This was fun, so I might do another one soon, except with Disney songs.

Check out my other playlists!

The Twilight Court

Elixir of Heaven

Lola’s Novel (Dark Scarlet)

Also, I tag anyone interested in doing this.

[number9580-blog]

Butch, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Genderfuck and Trans Blogs to watch out for

The big sexy, hot, smart, fierce, masculine, amazing, handsome, strong, sweet, thoughtful, bulging, turgid list of Butch, Genderqueer, Genderfluid, Genderfucking, Masculine-of-Center and Trans Blogs

The other day, I realized I had a hunger for new butch blogs to read.  So I started trolling blogrolls and then realized ‘butch’ doesn’t cover all of what I’m looking for.  What really peaks my interest are people talking about and living outside the gender binary.  Though I started with a blogroll category of “Butches to Watch Out For”, I’ve changed that to “Bend it like …” because what I’m really trying to get at is the gender bending, defying the default gender system in favor of something that works for all of us.

I always feel a thrill when I find new blogs where the authors are exploring gender, pushing the envelope and redefining the definitions.  Because my personal exploration is being done from the perspective of someone who started life female, bloggers who are on similar journeys appeal to me.  I want to compare notes, I want to find new words, new ways of describing the smell, taste, sound and feeling of female-born masculinity.  I now have a pretty good collection, some are friends I’ve met or chatted with, some are blogs I’ve found through the blogrolls of others.  In each case, I’ve found s0me kind of kinship, something I can relate to and learn from.

It’s kind of funny that in the midst of building up my list of butches and others who bravely break stereotypes every day in diverse situations and lives, I found that ridiculous WikiHow article on How to Be a Butch.  Clearly, the authors of that article haven’t met very many butches.  I’m not going to be foolish enough to write a How To guide for butches, but I do invite you to visit these and look for others.

New as of 5/8/2014

Hudson’s FTM Resource Guide: now that I’m in the midst of evaluating options for medical transition, this website has become indispensable to me.  Full of detailed, factual, non-judgmental information on all the things that come up for someone who is looking at options for transition from female assigned at birth to … something else on the masculine side.  I especially geeked out on the explanation of the different formulations of testosterone, including chemical structure diagrams and the pros and cons of each formulation.

New as of 8/20/2013

NeutroisNonsense:  I surprised myself the other day by finding out I hadn’t already added this blog, written by my friend Micah.  Micah’s beginning to make a name around non-binary identities, asexuality and non-binary transitioning.  Micah is one of my favorite people and has a lot of really smart, informative things to say about gender, identity and talks about the challenges and rewards of navigating through a binary world as a non-binary person.  One of my trans* heroes,

Learning How To Tell You, BD Swain:  This is a butch erotic blog after my own heart (or maybe somewhere lower).  BD joins Sinclair Sexsmith and I in the very rare world of butch erotic writers and does it with pants tightening style.  ”My name is BD Swain. I’m a butch dyke who enjoys writing queer smut – not just because it’s fun, but because sex and pushing my sexual expression is what makes me feel most alive. I am turned on by trust and by pushing the boundaries of it.”

New as of 4/12/2013

ButchOnTap: blogger Butch Jaxon says, “I see the world in a particular way. This blog is about how I see the world, both the good stuff (like beer) and the bad stuff (like idiots), but hopefully always funny.” Though I don’t always see eye to to eye with this blogger on all things butch, that hardly matters because it’s a big enough definition for all of us.  This blogger has had a couple of articles on HuffPost (look for Tristan Higgins), will probably have more in the future, and is definitely a Butch to Watch Out For.

LGinDC:  formerly the blogger known as G, of Can I Help You Sir, now in DC finding her way amongst the monuments and government entities, here’s what she has to say about herself and the blog, “I’m tall. I’m a smart-ass. I like eating with chopsticks. I’m butch. I love the Chicago Cubs and Bears. I’ve broken my nose twice. I love animals. I look horrible in yellow. I’m engaged. I love bourbon. I’m equally enamored with Beyonce and Ron Swanson. I’ll try just about anything once. I’m Irish. I live in Washington, DC. I’m a Scorpio. And I write about things.”

Genderqueer Pie Please:  [no updates since 12/2013] blogger Jake Jacobsen says, “Genderqueer isn’t a new movement, it isn’t even a movement, or new, it’s been around a long, long time, as long as I can remember. Ways of being “out”, seen, heard, and conceptualized are continuously being created through our use of language, and not just by the so called sexual minority, but by everyone. Genderqueer is one of those fairly recent creative wordage attempts at redefining a lived experience of gender that is a reality for a portion of the population.”

The Brown Boi Project is a community of masculine of center womyn, men, two-spirit people, transmen, and our allies committed to transforming our privilege of masculinity, gender, and race into tools for achieving Racial and Gender Justice.  These are great, energetic, dynamic people who are dedicated to their mission.  If this is of interest to you, check out their website and get involved.

New as of 5/16/2012

Trans Vocals: [inactive] I’m glad to see my friend, Holden, is coming back to the blog-o-sphere.  He’s got a new blog, Trans Vocals, and will be talking about his transformation and transition.  I’m very happy to see this thoughtful, intelligent person generously offering to share his insights and progress with the rest of us.

New as of 05/12/2011

fuckyeahbutches: this is a tumblr on the theme of butches, from Jenny Shimizu, to old school butches to butches like, well, me.  Check it out for eye-candy or for images of people who remind you of you and your friends.

Butch Wonders:  this blog shows great promise with posts pondering the potential adverse effects of wearing a tie to interviews, defending her choice to wax and shave, and a great post on Butch Buddies.

New as of 04/19/2011

thoughts ON: [last post 12/2013] blogger Andy posted on the topic of being trans, but not enough to transition, for more on Andy’s thoughts on this ‘middleground’, read I AM trans.  I just don’t try very hard.  From Andy’s bio:   Andy is a recent college graduate living in New England. When not engaged in queer activism Andy spends a lot of time kayaking, reading, and trying to change the world with a combination of twitter, church, and positive thinking while trying to decide on future plans which may, or may not, include ministry; but that’s the direction things are leaning right now.  Andy works for various LGBTQ organizations and loves them all dearly.

(L)earned Masculinity:  [last post 7/2012] this blogger used to post on a blog called Break it Down, Butch, but recently transitioned to this new space, acknowledging his passage from butch identified to trans identified.  Add this one to your readers and follow DK on their journey down the genderbrick road.  DK’s about page contains this line, one of my favorites found in anyone’s biography:  My soul is blue and smells faintly of cedar.

Debonairgeek:   I’m a nice guy. I am just trying to find my voice.  Em wrote a post called,Deep Thoughts, talking about being butch and genderqueer and I really relate to almost all of what they’re saying.  And, if you’ve ever wondered when and how to ‘pop your collar’ (and even if you haven’t), you should read this:  entertaining, informative, funny.

MTF Butches (tumblr): This tumblr was inspired by the existence of other amazing tumblrs such as Fuck Yeah Cute Trans Chicks, Fuck Yeah FTMs, Femme FTM, as well as others. This page is meant to provide an additional empowering space for the multitude of trans* gender expressions.  This is an inclusive space for the celebration of all butch, futch, butch-femme switches, grrls, genderqueer, genderfluid and other likewise MTF spectrum folk out there! Let’s represent some butch trans women!

Fuck Yeah FTMs (tumblr): Tumblr dedicated to FTMs, genderqueers, and others along that spectrum.  Submissions are accepted, but moderated and you should follow the theme of the day:  Muscle Mondays, Topless Tuesdays, We Wednesdays, Underwear Fridays, Fuzzy Sundays.  Check the submission link for more information and guidelines.

New as of 01/25/2011

Gendercast:  Our Transmasculine Genderqueery:  Podcasts hosted by Sean Leao and Jessie.  So far there are two podcasts, plus audio biographies from the hosts.  Gendercast is a podcast looking to build community and we are encouraging participation at every turn.  We speak to the entire transmasculine community, including genderqueer identified and beyond and of course, those who love them!

A Butch in the Kitchen.  This blog gets into the nitty gritty of cooking butch with recipes, techniques and even some kitchen gear for the butch kitchen queer. She says she’s a novice but I’ll be her skills are just ready to be discovered.  So far there are two recipes up:  Cherry cobbler and ice cream bread.  As a Butch Baker, I’m intrigued by these, but also looking forward to ideas in the appetizers and main courses categories.  Butch in the Kitchen has a list of other food sites to check out and will also take submissions of recipes and photos from other cooks.  I’m also wondering if anyone’s doing a Butch Cocktails site… hmmm.. maybe there’s a market for that.  Follow this butch on twitter, as Butchndakitchen.

New as of 1/12/2011

Mixing it Up, JizLee.com:  Genderqueer porn star, certifiably sexy individual, Jiz Lee says this about their blog — It’s a website and blog I run as a vehicle to share my experiences of sex and gender, film and photography. I hope it can provide a resource to queers and allies out there interested in my projects or wanting to find someone like themselves represented in the work I do and the ideas I express. Follow Jiz on twitter, check out their performances in the Crash Pad Series, the movie Champion and anywhere else you can.  My personal connection is fleeting but squee worthy:  I met Jiz at the New York City Sex Bloggers Calendar party in 2009 and mentioned I had this blog.. which Jiz totally knew about “Oh! You’re Kyle!” *hug* .. but that’s not all, Roxy introduced herself and got a very long,  full body hug.  I think that means Jiz approves of my taste in women

New as of 12/29/2010:

ButchLab:  Sinclair Sexsmith’s latest contribution to the community:  The mission of the Butch Lab Project is to promote a greater understanding of masculine of center gender identities, expressions, and presentations, through encouraging: 1. visibility, because we feel alone; 2. solidarity, because there are many of us out there, but we don’t always communicate with each other; and 3. an elevation of the discussion, because we have a long history and lineage to explore and we don’t have to reinvent the wheel.  Follow @butchlab on twitter as well.

On Being Butch:  a very new and shiny butch-oriented blog by J-Rob, “I’ve only recently come to realize that butch is my gender, not just a role I play, and that has opened a lot of space for me to be who I am.  Again, it’s odd, I’m 33 and I have been who I am my whole life, but I’m only just starting to understand what “who I am” actually means.”

Butch.org:  by Jenni Olson, director of e-commerce at WolfeVideo.com and an LBGT queer cinema historian.  Author of The Queer Movie Poster Book (2005, Chronicle Books), Jenni was also one of the founders of PlanetOut.com where she established the massive queer film industry resource, PopcornQ. She continues to write about queer films, as well as curating, collecting, and creating them. Her feature debut, The Joy of Life is now available on DVD.

Added 11/16/2010

Lesbian Neurotica, by Ulla, a butch dyke in South Africa who writes and draws cartoons and leaves thoughtful comments on a lot of the blogs I read.

Added 10/12/2010

A Stranger in This Place, by Wendi, who describes herself as “a motorcycle riding butch lesbian, retired accountant turned photographer and writer searching for her purpose in life and learning to enjoy the ride.”  Wendi’s working on a book and participated in the Gender/Queer Spoken Word event for BV PDX on Sunday.  I’m looking forward to reading more from Wendi.

Words of a Boi, by Jessie.  This writer read something written during Sinclair’s writing workshop that stuck with me.. so much so that I instantly recognized it when I saw it on their blog a few days later.   It’s a beautiful work of prosecomparing gender to a flower.   This writer uses poetry, wonderful imagery and an openness that is very engaging.

Added 8/2/2010

Andi HB’s blog.  Andi is a butch I met through twitter and another person who met and fell in love with someone through twitter (hey hey, Missy).  Yes, the west coast butch fell for the Nawlins femme…  can’t wait to see the Disney version.  Andi’s a fan of all things Irish, the New Orleans Saints and, of course, Missy.  Her latest post featured a damn fine pair of butch shoes.  You can follow her on twitter as @andi_hb.

bracketabracket:  [a] is a new blogger, just discovering the world of butch, trans, genderqueer, poly, BDSM blogs, since mid-june ’10, has been offering insights and stories of his own.  Check out [a]‘s blog for posts about Transgender issues, BDSM and kink, Sex, Love, Relationships, Theater, Art, Politics.

Added 6/25/2010

Bron’s blog, Duct Tape Tomatoes, is new since May of this year, but already has me pulled in with her charm and honesty.  I really, really love reading stories about people becoming themselves, it’s not only inspiring, it refuels me.   The latest one that I really loved was The Manicure… butch gets mani/pedi, freezes at nail polish choices and plays Mario Brothers with new little brother.

Dear Diaspora isn’t a new blog, and a lot of you probably already read it, but I’m new to S. L. Bond’s view of the world.  And that view, as communicated on DD is that of a Jewish Dyke and art student living in New Mexico.

Bee Listy is another blogger who’s been at it a while, Bee is a crafty, savvy butch who writes on a variety of topics.  One post that really struck home with me recently was You know what’s awesome?, where Bee speaks of her frustration over the Butch-Trans border wars and wonders why some people don’t think there’s enough masculinity to go around for all those who want to claim it.  Bee tweets as Beelisty.

Original list

Sugarbutch Chronicles:  my gateway into the world of butch blogging and one of the most popular blogs around.  Sinclair Sexsmith’s blog is your guide to sex toys, gender awareness and butch sexuality.  After stalking Sinclair through blog posts and twitter for a long time, was happy to finally meet her in person at the New York Sex Bloggers Calendar Party last November.  Over two years ago, when I discovered Sugarbutch Chronicles, what first caught my attention was the idea of butch erotic writing, which eventually led to the existence of Butchtastic.  Sinclair lent support, practical advice and encouragement and has been a great source of inspiration.  Sinclair tweets as @mrsexsmith.

Packing Vocals:  Holden is one of my favorite butch erotic writers, a family guy, a snappy dresser and a good friend.  Married to one of my favorite femmes, Femmeismygender, Holden tweets as @packingvocals.

NattNightly:  Natt isn’t blogging as much anymore, but if you love beautiful writing and honest accounts of self-discovery and gender, it’s worth your time to read through the archives.  I’ve been moved to tears more than once, from the sheer painful rawness of some stories and also from a severe case of writer’s envy.  Having met and spent time with this super cool, super smart butch, I can say without question, Natt is very tall and is a lot of fun to hang out with.   Natt tweets as @nattnightly.

Just Like Jesse James:  This Seattle butch is an unabashed Cher fan and will also discourse at length on the virtues of the Golden Girls, if you just give her half a chance.  Jesse blogs about Cher, life with her girlfriend and dog and the various other critters who inhabit their lives.  Another blogger I’ve had the good fortune to meet and hang out with in real life, we live close enough to do it again, and we’re gonna, so watch out world.   Jesse James tweets as @justjessejames.

Mina Meow/Aiden Fyre:  Depending on when you meet this blogger you might think.. “Wow, hot femme” or “Mmmgrrr, who’s that sexy boi?” and you wouldn’t be wrong either way.  Mina/Aiden is exploring gender thoroughly and with the kind of bravery, poise and intelligence we all should aspire to.  This blogger writes about gender, sexual politics and how it all fits into the life of a “try-sexual”.  I count it as one of the high points of my life that I’ve shared a deep passionate kiss with this hot and sexy blogger (and watched a make-out session with my girlfriend — yes, you should envy me).  Follow on twitter as @aidenfyreand/or @minameow.

Butch GirlCat:  Leo McCool isn’t blogging anymore but he was one of the first butch bloggers I gravitated to and fell in love with.  Leo’s sometimes heart-wrenchingly honest stories about love, relationships and the journey to find his gender home are a must read for anyone else trying to find their way between the gender poles.

X-Ray Introductions:  I first became aware of Arron when he was my secret Santa recipient and I sent him a cool metal studded belt and belt buckle.  I finally met Arron during a visit to see Roxy in San Francisco.  Over the years, I’ve enjoyed Arron’s video product reviews and stories about life.  Arron tweets as @amok_.

The Freezing Flames:  Firebolt is a genderqueer youth living in India, dealing with the challenges of a family that doesn’t get it in a society that really doesn’t get it.  Firebolt is way ahead of where I was at that age, and living under much more trying circumstances, and has my unswerving admiration as a result. Tweets as @fireboltx.

Bren Ryder:  Bren is the butch creative genius behind GoodDykePorn and as such, deserves our unending gratitude.   Bren works hard to produce real, hot, queer porn with real queers.   Bren is someone I know I’ll get to meet someday in RL, and I’m really looking forward to that.  Bren tweets as @brenryder.

Jess I Am:  Jess is courageous, thoughtful and honest in telling the story of how he went from being a butch to a transman.  Life has handed him a lot of challenges in the past couple of years, but with his wife, Tina, at his side, he’s handled those challenges with grace and strength.  I almost had the privilege of meeting these two during my trip to NYC, but it didn’t work out, but I have a very strong feeling we’ll all meet up at some point in RL.  Jess tweets as @JessIAmBlog.

How to Be Butch:  One of the newer blogs on my reader, Harrison doesn’t really try to tell you how to be butch, because, as the banner says “There’s more than one way”.  Instead, you get some fun and insightful posts on Harrison’s exploration of butchness and gender and life.    Harrison tweets as @HarrisonTB.

Sartorial Butch:  A blog about butch fashion, the culinary arts and all around butch goodness.  Another of my newer blog habits, SartorialButch is now featured on Butch-Femme.com and tweets as @SartorialButch.

She Called Me Superman:  Yondergen’s blog tagline is “writing myself down so I can be found, or followed” and that’s really the goal of most of us who blog, isn’t it?  Yondergen explores the butch-masculine-queer gender mix that is the heart of the matter for me as well.  Plus baking, relationships, the quandaries of how to express and understand it all.

Musings from the High Speed Rodeo:  Rhett’s writing is rapid and rhythmic, filled with great observations, honesty and humor.  Rhett is the Asphalt Cowboy, go on over there, y’all, you’re in for a great ride.

Can I Help You, Sir?:  Going by the initial, G, this butch blogs about gender, butchness and identity.  G tweets as @canihelpyousir and has (had?) a regular feature called the Swoon List.

Lesbian Dad:  I’ve had the Lesbian Dad on my reader for a long time.  LD writes about her family, posts the sweetest pictures of her daughter and son and talks about parenting, politics and popular culture.  My Suburban Butch Dad Reports were inspired by the Lesbian Dad.   Follow her tweets @LesbianDad.

The Butchelor:  another brave, honest blog from the perspective of a butch lesbian starting to come out as trans.  Even though I’m not trans, I find myself relating to guys like this who are born in a body that doesn’t completely match who they are on the inside.   It’s personal, it’s real, you should check it out.  Tweets as @thebutchelor.

Break It Down, Butch:  a blog I’ve discovered recently written by a butch who isn’t afraid to get it all out there.  I appreciate the passion and honesty of this blogger and look forward to reading more.

Transitional Life (Life in Transition):  Emmett takes us on his journey from butch to trans complete with family drama, changes brought on by testosterone, new names and the other challenges of life.  Emmett is a lovely guy, wonderful with animals (he’s a vet tech) and people (especially kids, kids love him) and I wish him all the best as he continues on his journey.  He’s got a YouTube channel, labradork1 where he’s been tracking the changes brought on by his transition.  Emmett tweets as @friendtopups.

Butch Boo:  BB is one of my earliest readers, a Brit Butch Blogger in London who recently posted a lovely grouping of pictures featuring butch footwear.

A Gender Queer View:  Natasha Yar-Routh’s place on the web.  A married gender queer trans-woman who posts short little nuggets of political observation and thoughts on life.  Tweets as @xiomberg.

Gender Me Softly:  The only couple-authored blog on my list, this blog is brand new, they just started this month.  T. J.  and Rhylee Flint share love, lives and blog space.  Thad is a butch, likes the word ‘queer’ (so do I) and enjoys cultivating a masculine look through binding and packing.  Rhylee is a queer female who’s exploring her gender and gender expression from a more femme perspective.

Gender Outlaw:  this is a blog chronicling Joshua Riverdale’s  FTM journey.  Even though transitioning isn’t for me, I’ve learned a lot from his blog entries, videos and tweets, and appreciate his wit and intelligence.  If you are curious about transitioning, or looking for genderqueer related resources (think binding, packing, etc), consider this blog and his website, transguys.com, as great starting points for the personal stories and resources.  He’s got some of the best sideburns ever.. I’m totally having some envy over those.  Josh tweets as @transguys.

Genderfork:  this is a community blog, who’s mission is to support community for the expression of identities across the gender spectrum.  They tweet as @genderfork and post profiles of genderqueer/fluid/variant folks.

Get Off My Lawn:  wow.. now that’s a pretty grumpy blog title.  Read the About Me and see a lot of bullet points.. this blogger loves bullet points, and was highly influenced by popular culture icons such as Matlock, Hank Hill and Mulder and Scully.  As grumpy as the blog title is, I find this blogger highly amusing and fun to read, go check it out and see if you feel the same way.  Tweets as @benjamin_bex.

Just a Big Guy with a Fun Sense of Sin:  S. Bear Bergman’s Live Journal.  I got to see Bear on a book reading tour with Ivan Coyote, and bought his book “The Nearest Exit May be Behind You” that night.  Bear is a transman, new father and a gifted story teller.  Bear tweets as @sbearbergman.

Visibly Transparent:  Bear’s husband, Ishai, has a Live Journal as well.  He carried their son Stanley and I can relate to his stories about the fertility clinic, pregnancy, birth and parenting.

Love Kills Slowly (tumblr):  tumblr account of Val, known on twitter as @rugby8.  Val posts pictures of sexy women, and the occasional quote.

somewhere in the middle:  Nezu says it best “This is my place for looking at the middle ground of gender identity and sexual preference. And who knows, probably other stuff, too.”  I’ve just begun to explore this writer’s musings about butchness, gender, identity and relationships.

TG Stone Butch Journal:   Corey Alexander is a well-known queer kink/sex educator and writer.  He can be found all over the country at conferences teaching and speaking on topics as diverse as polyamory, butch faggot play, stone sexuality and a myriad of other topics around gender and sexuality.  Corey tweets as @tgstonebutch, look for his queer BDSM erotica under the nom de plum, Xan West.

The Man Sam:  Son of T:  Former female Sam Peterson tells all in this blog about transition.  Looking forward to his chest reconstruction surgery thanks to ChestFest2010, Matt is wonderfully honest, funny and self-deprecating — a combination I particularly enjoy.  Follow him on twitter as @ThaManSam.

Transfaggotry:  Faggot Boi blogs about pronoun anxiety, leaving the lesbian identity behind, and other topics around becoming trans.

Transifesto:  Matt Kailey’s place on the web.  Matt shares information and his thoughts on transgender and transsexual issues.  He’s a nationally recognized speaker and author on transgender issues and tweets as @MattKailey.

Androgynanomous: DPR (Dread Pirate Roberts) is the sweetheart of one of my favorite online people, Scintillectual.  DPR just started blogging not long ago, but has already established a rhythm with poetry, musings on gender and sweet, sensual tributes to her lover.  Tweets as @dread_pyrate.

butchboi:  this site is run by the infamous Leo, of the Big Pink House.  This is a site for cruising and networking, for those who identify as butch, boi, trans, gender queer, stud, drag king & their friends.  The free membership opens up some features: forums, events and cruising, videos and a chatroom.  The Cruising feature is fun, you can hone in your search by age, geography with more features available to subscribers.  Check out the tweets from @ButchBoiLeo and @ButchBoi and@BigPinkHouse to keep up with the ButchBoi happenins.

This is the list so far, I like the length and heft of it (heh!) and I really like the diversity.  The bloggers on this list have a stories to tell, experiences to share and I will continue to learn a lot from them.  The breadth of this group, from the more female identified butch to the more male identified trans, meet the needs I have to explore the many facets and identities within me.  There are some super smart people on this list, and funny too… great writers, open-hearted honest people, sometimes frustrated, but trying to make the world a better place for themselves and others.   It may be hubris on my part to count myself as one of them, but these people have nurtured, coached and supported my journey as well.  Even if we don’t make the same decisions, or come to the same conclusions, we’re all asking the same kind of questions, and questioning the same assumptions.

I encourage you to visit these blogs, read their stories and add them to your regular rotation if they appeal to you.  And if I’ve left someone out, someone you think would fit into this list, please be so kind as to introduce me to them.

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