#I’ve been mulling over a lot of things even though I’m not highly invested | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

kira-ani-mcgrath · 6 years ago

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I am redeemed You set me free So I'll shake off these heavy chains And wipe away every stain Now I'm not who I used to be I am redeemed

"Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave

I drew this picture specifically to go with the personal story below the cut. Thank you in advance if you take the time to read it, but no worries if you don't. Either way, have a wonderful day.

Late December 2018 was when the Frozen II calendar leak began circulating. Included in the leak was information on the Russian caption for the page, translated to be a vague movie summary. This plot teaser stated that the group (Anna, Elsa, Kristoff, Olaf, and Sven) would be heading north into the forest due to some Arendelle-related mystery.

This was a bit of a let-down for me. You see, since my initial introduction to Frozen in 2013, I have been hoping and praying that the inevitable sequel would include Hans' redemption as part of the narrative (for various reasons that are too lengthy to detail here). Such a plot thread would be easier to accomplish if Frozen II involved travel to some other kingdom (or multiple kingdoms), especially the Southern Isles. With the information revealed in the plot spoiler, it was harder to picture a scenario where Hans would join the rest of the gang for an adventure. Yes, it could be done, but it would be more convoluted, possibly to the point of not being an option altogether. Perhaps I was being too pessimistic, but there was no denying the fact that I was feeling rather down about Frozen II.

A few days later, I was driving home with the radio on, but I wasn't paying attention to it. Instead, I was once again mulling over various ways Hans could be redeemed in Frozen II. Yet the more I considered possible scenarios, the more it seemed that the movie's revealed plot would make Hans' redemption an unrealistic feat. I reached the end of my train of thought, and, feeling disheartened, mentally chided myself, "I should just give up. Hans isn't going to be redeemed in Frozen 2."

At that precise moment, the opening notes of "Redeemed" began to play on the radio. Being quite familiar with the song, I immediately laughed and pointed an index finger to the sky. Not only was the title of the song the exact word my mind had just used, but I have long associated this song with Hans (one of many songs, but also one of my favorites). I had no doubt this was the Lord confirming something to me, as this was not the first time such a "coincidental" occurrence has happened.

It's important to know that, in the years since Frozen, I have created (and am still creating) multiple fanworks that posit different takes on how a Hans redemption could come about (and that's not including all the ideas I've had that aren't developed enough for full-fledged works). There have been several times when I've questioned the value of creating such things, only to have affirmation of my work come from unexpected sources at just the right time. Additionally, I have had many such question-and-confirmation experiences in my life, as well as a noticeable increase in the quantity of such instances within the past several months (albeit unrelated to Frozen and instead dealing with various other matters, such as my faith, my most recent pregnancy, and random everyday life things). Thus, when this specific incident occurred, I immediately recognized it as yet another such moment.

Since that night in December, I'd been internally debating sharing this anecdote with the world. Every few days or so my mind would recall the incident and I'd consider posting about it, but I'd always end up deciding against it. After all, it is highly personal, and it takes quite a bit of explaining to impart the importance of this experience (and I'm still leaving out personal details which make it much more powerful to me). This went on for some time. In mid-late February, I was once again musing upon the occurrence and whether or not I should share it. I jokingly thought to God: "If I hear 'Redeemed' on the radio this morning I'll take it as a sign I'm supposed to share this." And, since you are reading this post, you must know where this is going. I already had the radio on, and after getting back in my vehicle after child drop-off, I flicked through my presets to find a song I wanted to listen to. And, lo and behold, my second-to-last preset was playing the first verse of "Redeemed." (Granted, all of my presets are Christian radio stations, so that does put the odds more in favor of my "wager" coming true. On the other hand, the song is from 2012. That means it's 7 years old, and I honestly didn’t hear the song very often at the time, as more recent songs get played much more frequently. In my mind, the proposition was a joke, but I suppose I should have known better, since a lot of my recent question-and-confirmation experiences have been me joking and God proceeding to do the thing.) And thus, here we are. The large time gap between the second occurrence and this post is because 1) I take a while to get my thoughts out and refine them into something fit for public eyes, especially in a personal case such as this one, 2) it seemed appropriate to do some art to go with this, since I've been lacking in productivity in the creative departments for some time, and 3) life things requiring my attention.

On an interesting side note, I had three additional confirmations of this post while I was working on it.

#1) When I said, "There have been several times when I've questioned the value of creating such things, only to have affirmation of my work come from unexpected sources at just the right time," there's a particular incident that sticks out to me. One night in 2016, I stayed up late finishing chapter nine of my fanfiction, Frozen: Sacrifice and Forgiveness. Even though I posted the chapter, I was really depressed about it. Thoughts such as, "Is this really something I should be investing so much time in?" and "Does God actually want me to write this story?" weighed heavily on my mind, though I kept them to myself. After some internal arguing, I directed an unspoken question to the Lord: "Is this really what I should be doing?" Not much later, before going to bed, I checked my phone and saw an email from FF.net saying I had a comment on the latest F:SaF chapter. The comment was from a fellow Christian who had read through the posted chapters and was very encouraging about my story. It was just the right kind of affirmation at precisely the right time. Fast-forward to Wednesday, February 27th, 2019. I checked my phone in the morning and saw an email from AO3 that someone has left a comment on the last posted chapter of F:SaF. This was quite surprising, as I haven't updated the fic since September 21st, 2017. The comment was very positive, and it immediately reminded me of this post, which was a WIP in a computer document at the time. Not only did the new comment correlate to the aforementioned unexpected sources of encouragement, but F:SaF has been on my mind recently in terms of working on it again. Then, as the cherry on top, I was listening to the daily scripture reading on the radio while driving to work that morning, and the song that came on immediately afterward was "Redeemed".

#2) On Friday, March 1st, I had finished this post to my general satisfaction (as I knew it still required minor edits, plus I still had to finish my drawing) before getting ready for work. Upon entering my vehicle, I thought, "Wouldn't it be funny if 'Redeemed' played on the radio again?" I then instantly berated myself: "That's dumb. You don't need to be looking for confirmation of things all the time." I then flicked through my presets, and the first verse of "Redeemed" was playing on my second-to-last preset — the same song position and the same preset as when I was debating whether or not to make this post.

#3) On Friday, March 8th, I thought to myself as I was getting ready for work, “I really need to finish that post.” When I started my car, the radio was on, but I didn’t care for the song it was playing, so I jumped to my first preset. “Redeemed” was playing, starting from the very first word of the first verse.

Now, the question is: what was being confirmed to me with the original occurrence in December? The most straightforward answer is Hans' redemption in Frozen II. Mind you, not a redemption based on worldly methods such as "cleaning yourself up" and "earning it," but rooted in the Christian standard of unconditional love, mercy, grace, and faith. I'll admit, it seems far-fetched, given the fact that Disney is not a Christian company and the creative team has no Christians on it (AFAIK). Then again, "What is impossible with man is possible with God." Still, I have thought of other meanings for this incident. Perhaps it was simply a reminder to not get so depressed over a fictional character. Perhaps it was merely encouragement to keep going with my various fan projects, despite Frozen II looming in the distance. Perhaps it was a nudge that the sequel would contain a small hint of a future Hans redemption. Of course, that all sounds like me trying to talk myself out of trusting God for something amazing, as I am prone to doing. It's a struggle to wait on the Lord (especially for someone like me who hates surprises and wants to know things ASAP), but the truth of this incident will be revealed when the time is right.

One may wonder why God would care about a fictional character or a fictional story. It's not that He cares about those things in and of themselves, it's that He cares about His children and the salvation of humanity. My prayers (which are mostly just God-directed thoughts as I go about my day) regarding Hans' redemption were always something along the lines of, "Hey, God, it'd be really awesome if Hans gets redeemed in a way that reflects how Jesus saved us." Then I would mentally argue with myself about even making such a request, and always end at a variation of "Whatever is best, Lord." Though a fictional character's redemption is trivial in the grand scheme of things, God can use the most unexpected means to reach someone regarding a matter of eternal importance. He knows that, for me, this isn't just about a fictional character — it's about using that character's story to connect real people with the hope of the Gospel. Frozen was a movie with weak morals and a character that is looked down upon as irredeemable by the majority of viewers. If, by the grace of God, the sequel displays true love and redemption, then perhaps one soul out there will see the truth: anyone can be saved because Jesus can save anyone.

Feel free to message me if you aren't comfortable utilizing public replies or reblogs. Thank you for reading, and God bless you.

Update (Sept. 4th, 2019): So I’ve been lurking on a few Discord servers for a while now in addition to my Tumblr lurking, and overall there is a very negative attitude regarding Hans returning in F2. It’s coming from all directions: antis/haters who don’t want him in it, neutral parties who don’t see an available role for him to play, and fans who have lost hope due to lack of news. Last night I had an unpleasant dream on the subject. While the specifics are hazy, I know it involved the fandom discussing Hans’ absence in the movie. When I was going about my business this morning, I thought about the dream, this post, and the incident that brought this post into being. I mentally argued with myself, as I often do, about the situation. Lately, I too have been feeling disheartened on this matter. As I said, the fandom as a whole has been negative about this, so it was starting to get to me. In addition to that, as new leaks reveal more of the story, the chances of Hans appearing in any meaningful fashion get slimmer. However, no matter how bleak the outlook, I was given a supernatural sign to keep hope in a Hans redemption. Still, there was always the possibility I had interpreted the incident incorrectly, and adding in the other factors at play, this morning I was once again questioning God. I wanted another sign or some kind of spoiler-type proof, then scolded myself for being greedy and for seeking worldly validation of what God has said (instead of trusting Him to fulfill His promises). I had the radio on KLOVE as I was driving, and one of my “Hans songs” came on. It was a “lower tier” one (a.k.a. one I don’t like quite as much as others), so as I listened to it I thought, “It’d be nice if the next song after this was another good song, but one of the top-tier ones. It’d make me feel better about this whole thing.” Of course, I then chided myself, thinking, “Why are you always asking for stuff? Isn’t what you have already enough?” The song came to an end, and the next song began to play. It was “Redeemed.”

#Frozen 2 #Frozen II #Prince Hans #Frozen Hans #Frozen #Hans #redemption #Christian #Christianity #my art #KAM's thoughts #KAM's personal stuff #KAM's art

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expatdaduniverseemigrating-blog · 5 years ago

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Why we’re leaving the US for good, USA → EU: (A quasi FAQ on why even skilled STEM professionals are also ditching the US: predatory end stage capitalism, workplaces that break your health, myths about US salaries, the gigantic debt trap that is US modern society)

I’m one of 3 siblings, 2 brothers and a sister, all of us parents and established well paid STEM professionals (at least formerly so, with reasonable working conditions), who are emigrating from the United States with our kids and resettling in the European Union, one of us along with extended family, having already completed the process. We’ve received countless queries and expressions of surprise about our emigration since we as senior STEM professionals are supposed to be “the exception” for whom the USA is a highly paid Shangri La, so we got suggestions to post why we’re leaving here. In fact we’ve gotten so many questions on the “why” of our emigration that we’ve opted to answer all the issues that come up in one place, so this is long but hopefully informative and helpful for all of you.

None of our reasons have anything to do with politics, they have everything to do with the fast deteriorating work and work-life situation even for high skilled Americans (myself an engineer and ex-Fortune 500 senior manager, my brother a doctor, our sister a teacher turned high paid tech wizard), how corrosive the US workplace has become for even the “winners” in terms of our health, families and peace of mind, and how so many supposed advantages of a US posting (salary, taxes, red tape) are now a mirage. Our single biggest regret was not leaving much sooner, even as we saw where things were going a decade ago. In addressing the “why” here (as many others have addressed the “how” better than we could), our main goal is to help others mulling emigration out of America to avoid the same mistakes and costly delays, in big part due to all the myths we fell for, that we did. So the details below are a hive mind reflection of what all 3 of us, and some extended family, have observed to push even us, of the supposedly well heeled professional class, out of the US for good. Much of this is a joint effort so please excuse the “we” and “us” alternating in with conclusions of “I” and “me” the engineer in the family.

We’ll summarize it in blunt terms. America as of 2019 and 2020 is in a state of what we can only call “end stage capitalism” or maybe late stage capitalism if you prefer, a horribly exploitative, predatory, crony capitalist transformation of the saner capitalist system we once had, that delivers the worst of the both worlds even to high skilled professionals — terrible work-life balance, family unfriendly, abusive workplaces by design, horrible health and diminishing incomes relative to cost of living and hours worked, plus high taxes (overall) with decreasing levels of public benefit, and disastrous public outcomes, the Boeing 737 the keynote example in my field. Irony is that, yes, we ourselves are descendants of pre-Ellis Island immigrants from Europe, and on paper we’ve lived the American Dream, moving up from working class to become STEM professionals and (allegedly) part of the 1%. But the cost to health, family, creativity and security in this end stage capitalist America is becoming so great that we don’t want our kids (many of us have to start families late in our fields) to grow up in it, and our expat colleagues in Europe have been experiencing greater social mobility than North America now. The essentials:

— — The ravenous short-term profit demands of late stage capitalism have made it so the American workplace over the past decade has become toxic to the point of breaking its workers, even very high skilled and paid STEM professionals, in mind, body and soul. It’s not only the mounting work hours themselves, it’s also the multiplying administrative and compliance demands that pile up more and more with little being removed, the emphasis on public humiliation and gaslighting (more on this below) as a way to “motivate” workers and discourage wage increases, fire at will policies that are more and more capricious, lack of vacation or maternity leave to recover, horrible safety nets and bankrupting healthcare and daycare costs, worsening litigiousness and constant risk to decades’ worth of savings, a toxic environment that discourages creativity and entrepreneurialism and — a driving force for all this — capture of the American government and lawmaking apparatus by the oligarchs who profit from it. We’re supposedly the “winners” of the American rat race, yet in reality the US workplace is now like that old Arnold Schwarzenegger film The Running Man, a constant deathmatch where any tiny slip up (or none at all) will torpedo your career even with insane 80 hour weeks, and the “winners” win only by sacrificing their own health, family and peace of mind. The USA is now the only advanced country with a declining life expectancy, and exhausted workers literally dropping dead (all 3 of us are seeing more and more of this) is a big part of it — Jeffrey Pfeffer’s book Dying for a Paycheck produces the grim numbers if you’re interested. It didn’t use to be this bad, and you may be lucky to avoid this.. for a while. But this “grind the workforce into powder” mentality is now a metastasizing cancer in the US due to the form of capitalism that’s become predominant, and it will come for you eventually, as it did for my own once humane company. And these conditions will literally break your health and kill you, as recent research is proving, a link if you’re interested: https://www.seattletimes.com/explore/careers/excessive-work-hours-and-job-stress-can-be-deadly-un-report-says/

— — The myth about America having higher salaries in STEM careers than Europe — yes we were bamboozled by this, it’s a big reason we hesitated for so long. It misses several bits of fine print. One is the HOURLY pay in STEM is, with ever greater prevalence, now lower in the US than in many European STEM centers, particularly in the more developed countries — Netherlands, Nordics, Germany, Austria, Switzerland, the STEM hubs in Belgium, north France, even a few tech hubs in Spain and Italy. Over the nearly 3 decades I’ve worked in American STEM companies, the hours the engineers have to work has gone up — way, WAY up, from around 40–45 hours a week to routine expectations of 60–80 hour weeks in a growing collection of firms, and sometimes more like 80-100 hours a week, with impossible workloads and project deadlines. Yet salary hasn’t gone up anywhere near the same proportion. And those are stressful hours with no “reward” other than being belittled and gaslighted by senior managers for inadequate output and “laziness” even as the engineers are guzzling caffeine and energy drinks to stay awake. (Part of my job as a senior manager was to be one of those “whip holders” I’m now ashamed to admit, it’s why I ultimately bolted for another company that soon turned out to be not much better.)

I finally opened my eyes on assignments in Europe and noticed that my engineering colleagues there, even though they usually made a little less (*usually*, not always, in many cases their primary tech jobs *did* pay more than Americans in absolute terms on a monthly basis!), had much more reasonable hours, some not even 40 hours a week, and were almost to a person making a much better hourly wage than the American engineers were. And they were getting more done — maybe because Europeans work shorter hours, there’s less of the endless, useless BS with meetings and constantly mounting admin tasks. This meant our European counterparts, in the large majority, had more time to start their own businesses, make smart investments, and do other highly paid consulting or freelancing if they wanted — impossible for American STEM professionals to do when they’re slaving away for 80 hours a week. So the European hours not only made for better health, less stress and improved productivity in STEM, it also allowed more freedom for income making opportunities and becoming an entrepreneur. There’s also constant downward wage pressure on American STEM professionals’ salary from the way the H-1B is, even now, abused and its restrictions poorly enforced for some sectors and companies.

Meaning that, even on a purely monthly income basis as well, most of the European engineers and programmers were doing better financially than their American counterparts, with a lot more discretionary and disposable income, while having more control over their schedules, more manageable working hours and work-life balance, and having more opportunities to build up their skills, credentials and careers. Plus our Euro counterparts were also getting healthcare coverage, university and childcare in the bargain. Putting it all together, the European STEM professionals’ disposable, discretionary income per month and year, and even more so per hour, was above our American workers, yet with much more manageable working hours, work-life balance and options to start their own businesses, and they finished their university with no debt unlike American kids. Not to mention cost of living in US tech centers esp. Silicon Valley and Seattle is so outrageously high that American STEM pros’ real disposable income is even lower in reality. That’s the apples to other apples comparison, and most of the engineers in Europe (Europeans and expat Americans) were better off financially than Americans were in real, disposable income, job and income security and especially savings, with much less debt than Americans.

— — And that’s only the obvious, dollar for dollar or Euro for Euro calculation on why real wages are NOT higher for STEM professionals in the US than Europe when you consider hourly and disposable income, and especially debt and savings. The so called intangibles are much, MUCH worse for American STEM workers, and these were the push factors that finally pushed us out to raise our families in the EU. For one, again, the horrible hours, constant psychological abuse and gratuitously stressful conditions in the US workplace will take a toll and break your health in due time, no matter how tough you’ve always been. Let this again sink in — the United States is the only developed country to be seeing a falling life expectancy (and it’s already much lower than Europe), and no, this is not just because of opiate overdoses in Appalachia. It’s because American workers, even highly skilled STEM professionals, are being overworked to sweatshop levels and literally being worked to death. Even if American STEM professionals made more money than Europeans (and again we don’t in reality, as we laid out above), the cost to health would more than outweigh any such added salary. What would be the point of earning a little extra money as an engineer in the US if you wind up dying decades sooner from the increasingly corrosive, toxic American workplace?

When I started my career, only 6 of my forty- and fifty-something associates and mentors passed away over a decade. But in the past 5 years alone, I’ve lost almost two dozen of my associates in that age range from diseases and accidents clearly related to overwork and work stress and even scarier, a lot of twenty-something and thirty-something coworkers and proteges too! One had his heart literally burst after working almost two years straight of 80–100 hour weeks and downing energy drinks to stay awake, barely a week of vacation and fear of losing his job if even dared to call in sick, my doctor brother I think said it was a heart wall rupture or something similar. Another with a similar horrible schedule took his life when his wife left him and took the kids, so he was dealing with an emotionally and financially crippling divorce on top of his horrible working conditions. Another, a young protege of mine right out of college, was compelled to work non stop 80–90 hour weeks under abusive conditions to “prove herself”, causing her to fall asleep at the wheel one night and die after crashing her car against a guard rail. Their (possibly) higher salaries in the US meant nothing when their jobs were literally killing them!

As bad as job conditions have been in me and my sister’s fields, my brother the doctor has had it even worse. He’s worked 100 hour weeks almost nonstop for the past 5 years, and he’ll often work 120 hours a week! No that’s not a typo, and seems it’s not uncommon for his field in the US. I’ve been to my brother’s hospital many times and the doctors and nurses there are one step away from being zombies, they look sicker than their patients! Even worse, they all say most of that insane work week and workload isn’t even for patient care, it’s now mostly dealing with paperwork, insurance and writing up uselessly long medical documents. Even when my brother gets home, he gets to “enjoy” about 10 minutes of dinner with his wife and kids, then go down to his basement dungeon, that’s what we call it, to work for 3–4 more hours to do his medical documents (he has to lock himself in a windowless room due to Hippa, I think that’s the term for the privacy policy at his hospital), sleep a couple hours then wake up again at 4:30 a.m. the next day to start all over, including weekends.

Funny part is, when you break down his salary on an hourly basis — even more when subtracting all his insurance and other costs — it’s a whole lot less than most other professionals, STEM and non-STEM, on top of crippling levels of stress, even without considering he basically made a pittance in his years of extra training after medical school with debt gaining interest. He had a heart attack himself 2 years ago, another sign that it’s time to leave. I’ve seen sweatshops in SE Asia with better working conditions than what American doctors and nurses have to deal with, and it’s literally killing them from what my brother has said, US doctors and nurses have the highest suicide rate of any profession and thousands of others die from exhaustion-related diseases and car accidents every year. (The US is going to have one hell of a doctor shortage at the rate the docs are burning out and literally dying from overwork, so chalk that up as yet another reason to emigrate from America.)

— — For these and other reasons, the US has become a horrible place to raise kids. The insane workload demands especially in fields like STEM, and the constant and worsening stress, make it difficult to spend even a few minutes a day with your kids on many stretches, let alone to relax enough and block out activities to be a good mother or father. My poor doctor brother fell into depression last year after a horrible 120 hour work week and his own heart attack a couple years ago, when he realized that his own kids had become virtual strangers, unable to see him even when he finally did come home staying up with medical documents all night. I’ve had the same painful realization with my own kids, our emigrating cousins and extended family the same. This terrible lack of work life balance hampers kids’ development and endangers their long term prospects and safety. Child care is outrageously expensive in the US cities that have jobs, there’s no family leave and especially in the brutally cutthroat world of American STEM, if you have to take a day off to care for a sick kid (or get sick yourself), it’ll often cost you your job and with it, your health insurance. Extremely expensive private schools are more the norm in a lot of regions to get your kids a quality education, not to mention shield them from crime and drugs which are sadly more and more common even in affluent US suburban schools.

— — The USA now has downward going mobility — not only is social mobility now higher in Europe and Asia (you’re now more likely to rise from the middle or working class to make millions in Europe for ex., if that’s your thing), but even Americans in the middle and upper classes are at much greater risk of losing it all than any other advanced country. So even if you’re able to overcome all the toxic elements of the modern US workplace and save up some money, there are debt traps, hidden costs and risks lurking everywhere. A bad illness often ruins even very wealthy Americans financially because you have no security against crushing medical bills, even if insured. Out of network balance billing can cripple you with hundreds of thousands or millions of dollars in costs, and there’s not a thing you can do about it, as my (once-wealthy) cousin learned to her dismay when her daughter suffered a chronic autoimmune disease. I knew a wealthy entrepreneur from Italy who fulfilled his “American Dream” urgings in Texas, on an EB-5 visa, that turned to be a mirage when he was injured in a car wreck and learned his expensive insurance wouldn’t cover the costs. After that and a rival’s lawsuit, he lost everything, hundreds of thousands of dollars in family money plus what he’d saved up initially in Europe, returning to Italy penniless.

And on that topic, crazy litigiousness and complete lack of job security also contribute to the current American lack of financial security — no matter how many decades you’ve trained, worked hard, built up your life savings, you are never secure in the USA of 2019 and 2020. Ridiculous lawsuits will crop up for the most nonsensical reasons, and a single one can bankrupt you. My brother and his fellow doctors are at constant risk of losing their life savings in a malpractice lawsuit, even with their (more and more expensive) insurance, even if they’re perfect, a tall order with the long hours and their fatigue working 100 hours a week. My poor primary physician is under terrible stress caught in a damned if you do or don’t situation with opiates. If she is seen to “overprescribe” them, even if cases of clear medical necessity, she can have her license terminated and be sued into bankruptcy. But if she doesn’t prescribe opiates, some patients can downgrade her rating and sue her for that too — again terminating her license and depleting her life savings, as has sadly happened to several doctors my brother has known. And even if they’re “successful” in fighting the lawsuits, attorney fees can suck away hundreds of thousands of dollars in US courts, after all lawsuits are a “profit opportunity” too. Even my sister, when she was working as a teacher, had to deal with a constant lawsuit risk dangling over her head which did strike many of her fellow teachers. It’s part of what drove her to leave the profession, and then the country.

Divorce is also horribly common in the US and it’s often a catastrophe for both spouses. Ironically if you have a high-paying STEM job, the family courts can crush you financially — many states get a nice cut of spousal and child support payments, which creates all kinds of terrible incentives — by imputing an arbitrarily high earning expectation that may be way outside of your actual ability, and refuse to adjust it. Want to re-train, dial down your hours, deal with an illness or bad economy that temporarily reduces your earnings? Too bad, they won’t adjust it for you, and it’s pay up or go to prison. One of my own best friends from college, a doctor herself like my brother, had to deal with this horror after her own divorce and it nearly (literally) killed her. In fact my brother’s wife wanted to leave him due to his own horribly long hours and take the kids away, leaving him liable for hundreds of thousands in support payments, with my wife talking her out of it at the last second. If he had to face this, on top of working 100–120 hours a week, I have little doubt he too would have wound up one of the doctor suicide statistics. As bad as some European economies may have had it after the 2008 crisis, I never once encountered Europeans being utterly wiped out like this — the kinds of debt traps, catastrophic medical bills, divorce wipeouts and crippling injury costs, that can drain away the savings of even wealthy Americans in a single stroke, just don’t exist in Europe, which make your savings a lot more secure there.

Notice too how the toxic American workplace described above not only cripples your health and relationships these days, no matter how much you’re making, but also makes it harder for you to hold on to whatever savings you’ve made for all that crushing hard work — the health problems, divorces and car accidents that result from those brutal American work schedules will not only sap your health, but sap your hard-earned savings too! And on top of that, American companies are now ever more willing to terminate you at the drop of a hat if you’re even slightly down and out, no matter how many years of good service you’ve provided. This happened too often at my old company and it corroded the souls of the managers who had to deliver the news to some poor soul that the corporate suits were kicking him while he or she was already down battling a severe illness or other setback.

— — Europeans in at least some EU countries are now more entrepreneurial than Americans now by a widening margin, so the “business-friendly US” stereotype is false. Example:

https://voxeu.org/article/how-sweden-became-more-entrepreneurial-us

This is not because of a lack of American ingenuity or entrepreneurial spark, but because of the issues spelled out above — the tightening corporate control of Americans’ lives (even outside of work) leaves little time or energy for your own entrepreneurial and creative pursuits, which are frowned upon by management as a fire-able offense. In just about any industry you all but owe your soul to the US company store, among other things because you also lose health insurance when you go entrepreneurial. Europeans with their more manageable work weeks, 6 weeks of vacation and long maternity and paternity leave? That’s not for lazing around — they’re better rested and more productive, and have the breathing room to innovate, be creative and start their own businesses, that’s in fact become a huge competitive advantage compared to the insane “work the wage slaves until they drop” style of North American capitalism now.

— — Even if your job is listed as having a high salary, especially in STEM, beware — in end stage capitalist America, capital is at war with labor, and there’s an increasing minefield of horrible, outright awful practices that are more frequently used to strip away what you’ve earned with your hard work. One of the worst is the ever expanding ways that US companies use to dock your pay, something I saw constantly, to my mounting rage, as a senior manager. For American engineers and programmers in particular, more and more companies employ a nasty practice where they’ll give you an impossible workload and impossible deadlines, even working 80–100 hour weeks, and then dock your pay severely when (inevitably) you and your team fail to meet those impossible demands. So that sweet $150,000 annual salary you thought you were signing up for? You’ll find out, to your dismay, that in reality the company was suckering you in, giving you impossible projects and then repeatedly docking your earnings, with your managers gaslighting you that despite your incredibly long hours and hard work, in reality you’re just incompetent and lazy and don’t deserve the salary you thought you’d signed up for. (I was actually given a damn script about this as a senior manager, to read to the engineers in my team to “justify” this horrible practice often in performance reviews, and sadly, the ones most severely affected were the ones with the best work ethics.)

So the company has broken your health, gotten 80–100 hours per week of your hard-earned, highly skilled labor, then used a slick deception to steal your labor for free. I was compelled to do this to countless earnest, hardworking, good people, and I hated this neo-slavery practice with every fiber in my body, it was ultimately the last straw that drove me to leave the company. And if you think this practice is illegal, think again — wealthy corporate donors and lobbyists all but control our legislatures and courts, and end stage capitalist America has virtually no labor protections, so this sort of horror is becoming ever more prevalent across corporate America as a way to “cut labor costs” and boost profits. (And again to be clear this isn’t a political statement, I’ve encountered this working in Red States and in Blue States just the same.)

Even pay-docking practices and salary cuts that should be completely illegal have a nasty set of well-developed protocols that make them “legalish” enough to survive scrutiny. For example, ever been shocked at that dispiriting, demoralizing performance review you got, despite the long hours you were putting it and objective achievements and goals you met? Well there’s a reason for it in American STEM companies — the negative review gives them legal cover and leverage to later arbitrarily dock your pay, suspend you or lay you off to boost their quarterly report, while also having the “side benefit” of gaslighting you into doubting your own competence and work ethic, so the company can extract even more hours out of you and discourage raises. Ever wondered why what you thought was regular salary has been sneakily reclassified as “incentive pay”? Makes it much easier to dock the pay legally. And if you think you’re in the right enough to challenge these unfair practices, you probably are in the right — and you’ll still get nowhere, because the company has much more high powered attorneys than you can ever afford, and they will use them against you. Don’t think you’ll be an exception. You may be lucky for awhile but remember, in end stage capitalist America, labor is at best a necessary evil and cost to be minimized, and you being a highly skilled STEM professional doesn’t change that. If anything it makes you an even bigger enemy to the corporation’s profit goals since you can demand a higher salary. It’s things like this that make you realize the value of Europe’s labor protections, however imperfect.

— — As we alluded to earlier, the United States is now one gigantic debt trap, and no matter how aggressive you are at saving your earnings and avoiding debt, the structure of the US economy will make it impossible. This applies to almost everyone, even for most of the proverbial 1 percent — we have supposedly ascended to this level, yet we and those in our neighborhood are in constant fear and insecurity because the downward going mobility we mentioned above applies to us too, and the debt traps are real. We’ve mentioned some of those above — there’s college debt of course, and this is a hazard even if you’re frugal and try to do the old fashioned “state school” or community college route. Those costs are shooting up, but in the US, it’s pay to play, more and more you can’t get the needed skills for a good job without that college debt. Even trade schools have ways of putting you in the hole, and without a college degree, HR will largely toss out your CV wherever you’re applying. Medical debt from surprise medical bills is a constant nightmare and has, in fact, bankrupted many of our insured (and presumably well-off) neighbors and colleagues. And as mentioned divorce is catastrophic financially for both spouses in the United States, and a supposedly “wealthy” spouse will be drained almost perpetually financially for support payments because, again, the states get a big share of those payments themselves.

But there are other crippling debt traps too, which we often just take for granted and miss because the US economy itself is now debt-fueled. For example, when we mentioned above that the major US tech hubs (esp. Bay Area, Seattle, Boston, New York, increasingly even Austin and Denver) have such outsize costs of living that your “salary premium” is virtually worthless there? Part of the reason for such outrageous Americans costs of living in jobs hubs is that the US financial system has been structured to make debt the only way to cover the costs of essentials like college, healthcare bills and, yes, housing. The 30 year mortgage was almost unheard of in the US a few decades ago and such debt instruments are despised in most other First World economies, but they’re the norm in the US now, especially in the expensive cities with the most tech jobs. So on top of the multiple hits to your real earnings and disposable income above, you’re going to be sucked into a housing bubble with massive interest to be paid on the loans you take out for a home, whether you like this system or not, because it’s the only game in town and it’s inflated your home prices to madness levels.

Vehicle loans are now also at a record and they’ve been a factor at driving the cost of cars through the roof. Then there’s that curious, dangerous animal called tax debt in America. The tax authorities in the US right now are ruthless with the middle class, entrepreneurs and the “sub-billionaire” 1 percent, and once you’re in their cross-hairs you’ll become a cash cow for them, trapped in debt and likely never get out. Billionaires can buy Senators and politicians, but if you have assets and savings without enough to practically own a politician (high paid STEM professionals and entrepreneurs, that means you), you’re going to be a ripe, easy target. An associate and mentor of my sister’s, a software engineer who had helped her design her own online business, did very well for himself and was almost obsessive with making sure his taxes were paid to the letter, hiring two expensive accountants to make sure everything was done right. Didn’t matter — he was audited over a virtual triviality, stemming from minor paperwork filing errors which now, conveniently enough, are liable for massive fines even outside of any actual tax liability. Not only the debts levied, but also the time it took to deal with the auditing demands crippled his business and his health, and he eventually lost his home and his business, reduced practically to poverty. And this isn’t an uncommon story anymore, with the USA now $24 trillion in debt (and the states and localities struggling), and with the billionaire heir class virtually untouchable, the professional class and “tech gentry” as one of my old associates put it, are prime targets to drain revenue from for these deficits. So beware, even if you somehow dodge all the other debt traps and the health crushing, soul sucking world that is the US tech workplace these days, even your hard earned assets are vulnerable to be taken away from you.

And there are so many other subtle, unexpected debt traps lurking in end stage capitalist America, which can drain away years worth of savings in a single stroke. Privacy rights and protections in the US are horribly lacking, another disadvantage of America compared to other developed countries especially the EU, where privacy has strong protections. Result is that your personal data is in constant danger of being stolen and identity theft can cripple you. This happened to my niece (a doctor like my brother) and her husband as result of an unethical and corrupt merchant who sold her personal data for profit — an awful practice that was somehow, all the same, still legal. And it took a year of record gathering and tens of thousands of dollars (all while she was too busy at the hospital to pay much attention to it) to get things settled. Again it needs to be said, there is no financial security in the US anymore, not even for the supposedly comfortable 1-percenters, and downward going mobility is becoming the norm.

— — And on that topic, to wrap things up as far as push factors in case this comes up, our taxes in Europe — as we’ve confirmed among those of us already moved there — are NOT higher than in the US, another myth. Federal taxes and VAT are higher in Europe of course, but the US has a flaming pile of other taxes like FICA/Medicare payroll, state, local, transaction, plus things like vehicle license fees and ever escalating parking and traffic fines, not to mention the often crippling surcharges on support payments from a divorce, which again, many states get a cut of. There are overt taxes and hidden taxes across the US and they at least equal European taxes, and often exceed for some states, but with the difference that you, as a non-oligarch in America, will see very little benefit for your taxes. All while our counterparts in Europe, and more and more countries in Asia and South America, get the core social benefits (covered healthcare and university, childcare, family leave, startup support, better infrastructure) that lead to better health, life expectancy and social mobility, compared to the US. Some European taxes are even lower than those in the US, for example property taxes which are a much lower burden — a lifesaver if you’re retired on fixed income, or dealing with the ballooning costs of US starter homes. We’re not at all anti-tax, but one of the more dispiriting elements of living in the US these days is that our taxes more and more go to help fund American wars and benefits for the oligarchs who control the government, not for public benefit. Europe, Asia, Australia and South America aren’t utopias by any means, but for all their flaws, taxes there really do support the public benefit and well being of the people.

— — If even after all this, you’re still considering joining the meat grinder that is the American STEM workplace these days (or are stuck here as an American born citizen for the time being), then we’d strongly advise some precautions and a particular outlook to survive. For one, it’s now best to consider the USA what we in the business travel world and the diplomats call “a hardship posting”. Under some circumstances and contracts, if you can arrange it, you can make a lot of money here working for a few years, but it’s a temporary posting and absolutely not a place to settle down — basically a third world country where you can (sometimes) get a hazard pay premium due to the deteriorating conditions around you. That’s not an exaggeration anymore. The exploitation, overwork and debt traps in the US are so awful that you are literally endangering your health, and that of your family, by staying here. If you’re born here and can find a high paying STEM job and a way to save up, then start making your exit plan before the horrors of end stage capitalist America come for you. And keep in mind, all that glitters isn’t gold, and a lot of the common tropes about high paying US STEM jobs (especially ones that won’t ruin your health or in cities that won’t drain away your savings) are myths and hype.

Also, read every single word of your employment contract, down to the letter. This is true if you’re a born and bred American, even more if you’re coming to work in STEM as an H-1B or other work visa. Never, ever accept a position where your pay can be “docked for performance reasons” — this is a trap! You may pride yourself on your work ethic and your ability to “suck it up and get things done”, but in America today, the company sees you as a sucker easy to exploit, and they have no respect for you or your work ethic except in terms of what they can extract from you by guilt tripping and gaslighting you. Also beware of positions that for seemingly mysterious reasons, shift what should be regular salary over to be classified as “incentive pay” or something similar. This may seem like semantics to you at first glance, but in reality, it’s one of the many horrible methods that many US STEM companies are now using to “cut labor costs” — giving you impossible assignments you couldn’t complete even if you could work 30 hours a day, then docking your pay for “subpar performance”.

— — Finally we’ve focused on the “why” because the “how” of emigrating out of the US (especially to Europe) has already been covered much better by other Redditors, and the individual path to the EU, or destinations in Asia, Australia or South America will vary so much from person to person. A few pointers that can be generally helpful:

1. Remember that the EU has 27 countries to choose from after Brexit, and you don’t necessarily have to start in your goal country if the visa process is too challenging. Once you become established in one, you have free movement rights to the others. One of our cousins took advantage of this — not even in STEM himself, with no more than basic trade school education — to go to one of the Baltic countries in the EU where even his basic skills were in demand due to the shortage of so many young workers moving out to Western Europe. He, his wife and kids picked up enough of the local language to get settled (with very low costs of living), saved up and eventually moved to France, his original goal. (Other expat Americans, originally with similar goals, have fallen in love with the Baltics or other eastern European EU countries and planted roots there).

2. Have a long term plan in mind, especially if you have or are planning kids and thinking about where to raise them. This is one of the reasons we’re all headed to the EU in my close family (with two other extended family members going to Argentina and a wealthy region in Brazil). I loved Canada, the UK and Australia when I was posted there, but unfortunately, the US as “head country of the Anglosphere” is more and more infecting the rest of the English-speaking world with its end stage capitalism style, and we’re starting to see the same madness slowly pop in those countries too. For whatever its flaws, the European Union has much stiffer and permanent protections for workers to the point that the EU defines itself to a big extent around this philosophy. Not just as a matter of principle but practicality — EU workers are more productive, and since they’re healthier the healthcare costs there are less than America’s. It’s a smarter, much more First World way of running an economy. We’re not saying the EU is a paradise, we’ve had our share of irritations dealing with some elements of its bureaucracy, and there are certainly some areas for improvements. (Especially transporting pets--it’s obviously important to take reasonable precautions but the EU red tape around house pet transport is often horrible.) But when it comes to the big things most relevant to quality of life, health and opportunities, the EU gets it right, much more than the US does, and it’s why Europeans are now healthier and more productive than Americans, with much greater social mobility than North America now has.

3. Learn as much of the language as you can, but if you have an offer or option, don’t hesitate to make the move to the EU. We’ve been prepping our move to Europe for years so we’ve worked to learn the languages of where we’re going. But I talked to many American expats who, when they made their permanent moves, were not close to being fluent in French, German, Italian, Dutch, Swedish or whatever the language was common where they were moving. In STEM, for now at least, you can often get by at first in the EU (even outside of Ireland) with English — operative phrase being “at first”. If you’re going to settle down there long term, it’s important to make some effort to pick up the language, after you’ve moved if you haven’t done so before, or you’ll be stuck as a social outsider even if you can use English where you work. Fortunately EU countries tend to be helpful in this and many even have free language classes especially for the bigger languages like French, German and Italian (one of our nephews took advantage of this), and of course it’s doubly important for your kids to be immersed as much as possible in the regional language. But again, don’t let your lack of language skills hinder you if you do have an opportunity to move.

4. Some EU countries have smoothed emigration process considerably in recent years for skilled and semi-skilled workers from outside the EU to move in. Germany in particular is one, and although I’m not too up on the details, I think it’s called the Skilled Immigration Act and functions something like Canada and Australia’s points system. If you’re able to show that you have needed skills and experience, won’t require public assistance and ideally can speak (or motivated to learn) German, you’ll have an expedited path to getting in. Some other EU countries have similar programs to lure in skilled workers.

5. And on that topic when it comes to the specifics, we had personal contacts to help us with the practical elements of our move, and I had the good fortune of years of exposure through business travel especially in Europe. But there are so many American expats now, especially in Europe, that there’s a wealth of information and initial contacts to smooth the process. So use and take advantage of every resource you can, and good luck to all of you.

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lessonsinkindness-blog · 7 years ago

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

I've just come back from a much needed weekend away with my brother. Getting out of town for 2 days was bliss. The scenery was beautiful, I got to spend quality time with my brother and boyfriend, and for the first time in a while, I could hear myself think.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I want out of life, or more specifically, what I want to feel different about my life. Unusually for me, I have fought against my natural urge to be impulsive and have had to keep reminding myself to do it properly and really think things through. Consider the practicalities - money, timeframe, resources. Mull over any possible implications. Scrutinise whether these changes are really going to deliver what I want them to, or whether I'll still be having these same conversations with myself this time next August. Getting my ducks in a row.

Typically, when I feel as down as I have lately, or as anxious, I have a tendency to respond in a knee jerk, throw-the-baby-out-with-the-bathwater type way, because of the immediacy of how unhappy I feel and how desperate I am to feel better quickly. The result of this tends to be an immediate rush of relief and excitement, followed by the dawning realisation that I've just created the same old conditions, just in a new, shiny context. I'm trying really hard not to put myself there again.

But what this means is that at the moment, the level of tension I can feel between where I am in life, and where I want to be, can feel unbearable. It doesn't feel like a feeling I can sit with for months on end. It feels like something that's really going to drag me down if I let it.

So I've been following some advice that I used to give to people struggling with addiction. The advice was - instead of focusing on what has gone wrong for you at a time when you relapsed, think about what went so right that you managed to - in their case - stay clean for those few months, or stay out of trouble. So transferred to me, this would be - instead of thinking about what has made you feel depressed or trapped in the last few months, what is it that has seen you through, got you up in the morning, despite those feelings?

I don't know how helpful this will be, but for anyone struggling, these are the ways I try to keep my head above water. I'm not saying they'll work for everybody, and you may read them and find them trivial or cheesy, but all I know is, these are things that help me.

Small Rewards

Some days just feel like walking through quicksand, from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Sometimes I don't even feel like this on the days that make sense. I may wake up in a highly motivated mood on a day which is going to be really challenging or busy, but then on a day I should be relieved for some quiet, wake up and feel like I'm wading through treacle. But as we all know, depression doesn't really care for logic! One thing I try to do is give myself something, however small, to look forward to. Because there's usually a reason I'm having to be careful with money it can't be anything too crazy, but it might be as simple as buying myself a glossy magazine on the way home to read on the train (something I can escape with, with no serious connection to the "real world"!). I really enjoy taking long baths (I think it's something about the solitude and getting rid of aches and pains) and watching my favourite programme on my phone while I'm washing my hair. Or sometimes it might be a nice walk on the way home instead of getting the bus. I realise these suggestions might seem a bit trite, and no amount of reading Vogue is going to make your problems vanish away, but I think the sentiment I'm trying to get at here is choosing something that a) is positively selfish (something that is all about something you enjoy doing that doesn't benefit anybody else), b) allows you to get out of your mind and focus on happiness, or if not happiness, calm, for a little while and c) gives you a sense of reward for a tough day.

Recognising the bubble

The best advice I think anyone ever gave me is to see certain compartments of life as a bubble. This doesn't work so well for really serious, entrenched issues in your life, but can work well for things like dealing with difficult people, work problems, or feelings of self-consciousness in a social situation. I guess it's a form of mindfulness. Recognise what is unfolding before your eyes as what it is - a social vacuum in which these things matter to these people, because of the strange, often bizarre social constructs that define this particular nook of the planet. But try to see the meaninglessness outside of this environment. For example, in a work setting, it might be the end of the world to your boss that you didn't finish that report for that Director by 5pm. That can truly be their day's biggest priority and the most important thing for them in that office. Okay, yes, we shouldn't go out of our way not to do our jobs just because our boss's priority isn't our priority, but think about it: outside of this company, and this week (or even day), does this have independent meaning? Will it impact on yours or others' lives to a significant degree? Will anybody genuinely suffer as a result of you not meeting your deadline? Think about the relationship you have within that bubble, and think about how that relationship changes outside of it. Inside the bubble, there is a power dynamic between you and your boss. Outside of it, you are both just humans. And nothing more or less to each other than that. Sometimes adding a little humour makes me realise how ridiculous some of the things I beat myself up for are.

Recognising the bubble doesn't have to mean finding humour or trivialism in the other person or situation, but it can mean understanding that people's negative behaviour or responses towards you (perceived or real) are often a product of their other "bubbles" in their life. So for example, I really hate when people snap at me, particularly if I'm being polite to them, because I feel it's unfair and a misuse of power because they know I am a more passive person. However, I have learnt to start seeing that there is such a back story behind what drives people's moods (they could have had an awful row with their partner before they came to work, they could have a particular insecurity which manifests itself in how they speak to people, they may be worried or anxious about something that ends up coming off as irritability), that actually, taking a step back and pretending to watch them from "the outside" can put things into perspective. It sounds weird, but I often imagine myself watching someone from behind a fence or pane of glass, as an exhibit. If I wasn't so emotionally invested in this situation, what more objective conclusions might I come to?

Anchoring

The word anchoring is used for various mindfulness and CBT techniques but the way I use it is a word that reminds me to connect to my life outside of a situation when I am finding it stressful. This helps me remember that whatever discomfort I'm going through, there will be an end to it, and there is an "outside" to it. So if I'm upset at work, I make a point of calling my Mum or texting my boyfriend in my lunch break, because they remind me that when I pack up and leave the office, they're waiting for me. Hearing their actual voice helps. Or if I know I'm going to struggle in a social situation, sometimes I'll wear something that reminds me of something positive. Which I know might sound naff, but it does help just a little for me. Or if I'm able to, I'll make conversation with someone about a mutual interest we have, so even if I'm not comfortable in the actual scenario, I'm recalling something that makes me feel safe, for want of a better word.

Staycations

People often say they "live for the weekends" and I think I've become more like that over time, as I've started to lift some of the significance (and pressure!) that I attach to my career. My version of that isn't necessarily going out to a club or whatever because I'm not a big drinker, but I have started to plan out my weekends more. My natural preset when I'm feeling a bit down is to not want to do anything at all on my weekends, and just slob. Sometimes, this is genuinely what I need (so for example, I literally have every day of every weekend booked up with something or other until October, so come October, I will relish in a slobfest) but I've recognised recently that kind of feeds a vicious loop. The more I sit around, the more I ruminate about things I don't want to think about, and the less in control I feel of any of it. Then I beat myself up for "wasting" the day, and before I know it, Sunday night's come around, and I've got nothing to show for it. So every few weeks, I plan an actual itinerary, either for myself, or to do things with my boyfriend. Naturally as I have a partner, we spend a lot of our weekend together, but equally, if you're single, you can think about things you enjoy doing by yourself or family. This makes even a rainy, skint Saturday feel more exciting. It doesn't have to be things that cost much or any money, but it should just feel as though you have activities planned out a bit like a holiday from home. Staycation activities should be things that feel a bit out of the norm, maybe things you don't often have time, or give yourself permission, to do. So for example, me and my boyfriend have had weekends where we find a big country park or forest, and plan out a really long walk that takes most of the day, maybe with a stop for lunch (packed sarnies like at school if on a budget, or a local pub if you can stretch to it), and by the end of the day, it feels like an achievement, we've got out and done something active and memorable, and it stops us from staring at the walls. Or we might cook a really nice meal together and make the table nice like we're at a restaurant (I know this sounds cringey but trust me we're NOT the romantic types yet still this feels special not icky). We might end the day with a movie and some snacks. Simple things that don't have to be expensive or too quirky but I might turn my phone off for the day so I can disconnect a bit.

Escapism

After everything I've said about not slobbing out, this is going to sound a contradiction but there are times when it's absolutely fine to just veg out and do nothing. When we're dealing with stressful or demoralising things like being depressed, worrying about work, getting anxious about things, we're using a lot of brain energy. I don't know about you, but sometimes my mind just feels tired. I'm the kind of person who likes to learn, but sometimes that means cramming my head full of quite frankly, ill-advised grit and gloom, that can exacerbate my mood or feeling of fatigue. Sometimes I don't want to have to put loads of thought into anything. So as much as I love documentaries, and debating politics, and reading books about crime (and so on and so on!), sometimes all I want to do is watch something completely mind numbing, upbeat, uplifting, like a reality TV show or kid's film. Or shock horror...read Heat magazine. There's a lot of elitism that goes on when people discuss what they do in their spare time, where they go on holiday, what food they eat. I think when you couple that with constant Facebook updates about every minutiae of people's lifestyles, we can feel under some kind of silent pressure to out do each other with our leisure pursuits, likes and dislikes, or interests. If our Saturday consists more of climbing through series of the Kardashians than Mount Kilimanjaro, does that mean we're a failure? No, it just means we're human, and our minds, as well as our bodies, need a break. And often, we're comparing ourselves to others with no good reason.

Permission to worry

I once read an anxiety tip that at first I dismissed for being a load of nonsense. I don't believe that you can "tell" someone not to worry, in the same way I don't believe you can tell someone not to be shy, or tell someone not to be depressed. I also don't think it's healthy to suppress feelings, at least for any significant length of time. But I've tried this tip and it does actually work, but takes some practice. The tip is that you allow yourself 10-20 minutes of the day when you can worry for as long as you like about anything you like, however ridiculous it is. During this time slot, you can give yourself permission to really focus on your worries and not even try to be rational about them. Run the worst case scenario through your head ("I can't get this task finished in time, so my boss is going to be angry, then they're going to put me on a performance plan, then I'm going to fail that and be fired, then I'll be homeless" etc etc) and allow yourself to really think about that possibility. But the rule is any other worry that comes up in your head outside of those times you "defer" to that time zone rather than dealing with it right there and then. You're not dismissing it because you're acknowledging it (you can even write the worry down on a notepad so you don't forget), but you are simply promising yourself you will give yourself "proper" time to worry about it at that time (rather than now, when say, you need to be present on the task at hand). It does as I say, take practice, but over time, I've found it a little easier to compartmentalise in this way. The point is supposed to be that rather than simply using the "snap out of it" mode of thinking, that we know doesn't work, you are allowing yourself dedicated time to really focus on what it is that's worrying you, and releasing the tension that comes with that. What it does reduce though, by giving yourself an allocated time, is the disruption of those constant "whirring" anxieties to day to day things that you need to be able to get on with (like writing the essay you need to finish, or getting things done around the house etc). The premise is that when we worry all through the day our mind is actually "flitting" between subjects, and doesn't actually resolve anything because it never actually follows through on the thoughts, so they just stay there in a state of "limbo". By allowing yourself time to follow them through to their dramatic conclusion, it often enables you to recognise how unlikely or unrealistic the worst case scenario is, in a way that doesn't feel flippant. Also, sometimes by the time you get around to your "worry slot" you might find the worry may not seem so significant any more after all.

I don't know if I explained that one very well...but I hope you get the jist!

So I guess my point is, none of these things are going to make a drastic difference to how life with depression or anxiety feels. But they can add up to make things more endurable on days where you need a little extra TLC. They don't have to cost money, and they can at least help you be kinder to yourself.

"Nolite te bastardes carborundorum"

Or, "don't let the bastards grind you down".

#blog #kindness #mindfulness #anxiety #depression #coping mechanisms #worry

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basshouse · 6 years ago

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Bring on the FAQs

I know you have questions! Oh, ok, I’ll honor the era of the fact check (be the change you want to see int he world, after all!): I think you have questions and I know I want to use questions as a framework for telling you more about my life. On board?? In case your answer is “no” and you choose not to click “keep reading” below, here’s the obligatory picture right up front:

That’s me in San Jose a couple days ago. Yes, I have a “bum bag” (super apologies to everyone I ever mocked for a fanny pack, a sweatpant, or a mini van, and a reminder to us all that it’s ridiculous to judge people for the things they decide enhance their quality of life...are heavily starched jeans in my future? who can say?). Also, yes I am on the North American continent. Sadly not with enough time or planning to be able to connect with many people, plus it’s a work trip and I’m freezing by balls off. More on that later (the work part, not my balls). Let’s get to the Q&A!

A bit of a heads up: a lot of these are combo questions, I grouped them by flavor to make things more compact... you bunch are good at asking the same question multiple ways.

1. Do you miss home/Seattle/the States? What do you miss the most?

Alright, I’m going to leave out the obvious friends, family and a certain tiny dog, because...duh. Do you really need the validation? You know I miss you. As for P-dog, he was IN A WEDDING. IN A BOWTIE. So suffice it to say that while I still get sad when I get in bed at night and he’s not curling up at my feet, his new family is showing their commitment to him in a whole new and completely adorable way.

I do not actively miss living in Seattle or the States. I haven't been homesick. and to be clear, Seattle is an amazing place and our lives there were full of amazing people and things. It’s just that I am enjoying being somewhere else and doing new things (and many of the old things in a new location). I can love Seattle (and you!) and love somewhere else at the same time, how amazing is that? One good thing about being faced with losing my job and visa was that I had to ask and answer the question of whether it was best to just “go home” -- and it was clear for both me and Jason that we did not want to leave Christchurch yet. No, we did NOT ask the kids this time :-).

I DO miss some things about living in Seattle, and if you know me you won't be surprised to hear they are largely food related...La Palma. Pickles. Gardenburgers. Caesar salads that don’t have a poached egg on top. The ability to fulfill a special order (say, make a Caesar salad without an egg on top). Jale-frickin’-penos! It’s not to say that NZ doesn't have good food; overall the quality of the food is high and it’s nice that all the coffee shops serve real food. Also, you almost never have table service, which threw me off at first, but now I really appreciate being in control of when I order and when I pay my bill. A non-tip economy has its perks for sure, including less math at the dinner table! But there are some foods for each of us that fulfill a craving, are a go-to, and when you can’t get them, even a close approximation or a really good option just won’t do. This problemhas inspired me to learn how to cook new things, at least. Haven’t nailed the gardenburger yet.

Also, I miss yoga. A LOT. Props to Core Power, Shefa, Haute, and Maven for being awesome places to practice a powerful flow in the heat with music. Thanks to all of you who taught me and those that let me teach you. Christchurch has more bars and restaurants and interesting places than we expected, but this style of yoga just isn't there as far as I can tell. So hit me up if you're interested in investing in a probably-not-very-profitable business in NZ once I have a visa that lets me own a business, and you can weigh in on whether “Surfing Donkey Yoga” (Jason’s nomination) is on brand or not. I have an opinion but no harm in workshopping it.

2. Wait, you said in an earlier blog you don't overwork (or sometimes even work at all when you should be)...what do you do/are you going crazy/how do you handle it/are you really you?!?!?

This is an honest question I have gotten in phone conversations, and since I assume you know me and my, um, rather industrious ways, you may have it too. I mean, it’s not a secret that when I lived in Seattle I worked A LOT, and stressed over work A LOT, and talked about work A LOT, and did work-y things outside of work, and worked at home and on the weekends FAR TOO MUCH. And for background: in New Zealand I have had a much better work life balance. And at the end of my time at SLI there were many many hours that I went to work but did not really have work to do. So while I have done what I needed to do, and contributed to the business, and used my skills, working and being at work has NOT defined my life here, even in the slightest, which it did in Seattle. That pains me a little, because I also did lots of of things besides work in Seattle, and I never valued being a person who was stressed about work all the time (at least, I did not value that for other people or in principal, though I did build up some kind of addiction or compulsion based on an anxiety about not working). Can I attribute being ok with more balance to a “less demanding” job? In part that would be fair, but after giving it some thought I also must attribute it to both breaking the chain of bad habits and the general difference in culture, For, as far as I can tell, in New Zealand, it is not common to work outside hours or on vacation; people value value and respect family time; and there's a much more subtle and prevalent difference that's hard to explain about the feeling that everything really is going to be ok if you don't struggle to get it all done in record time -- there’s an undercurrent of pressure that does not exist, at least not for me, and I think it’s a Kiwi thing. An informal poll and some observational data (e.g. one boss told me when I sent an email on a sick day not to do it again, no laptop, employment contract stating a 37 hour work week) backs it up.

So what do I do and am I still me and not going crazy? Well, I’ll tell you and yes and no to those questions. Let’s be clear that I still work 37-40 hours a week which is plenty so don't get too exited, but here’s a wee list of some of the things I’ve been doing with “all this time.” Sadly not enough yoga :-(

I write a blog! You're welcome.

Cook, surf, hike, bike, gym, listen to records...I think you knew that already. Same shit, different continent.

Burlesquercize! Yes, it’s what it sounds like -- a sluttier version of Jazzercise. My friend Tas and I also did a 6 week burlesque course that culminated in an actual performance. On stage. In. Front. Of. Real. People. Body positive, pro-female and anti-agist? You betcha. Terrifying? Kind of. Entertaining? I hope so. And no, we did not take our clothes off (that would have moved the answer to “terrifying?” waaaaay up).

Tennis lessons! Finally fulfilling a desire to learn and play tennis that I have had my entire adult life, I joined an adult beginner group lesson at the tiny Opawa Tennis Club. Really, in American terms, this should be “club” -- because like the lawn bowling club and croquet club near my house, this is the kind of club that where pay $100 bucks to get a key so you have access to equipment and courts when you need them, and there are organized games and lessons a few hours a week. Plus a water fountain. Croquet might be my next project, as I am still as shockingly bad at tennis as I was in junior high when I got moved from the 8th grade beginner team down to the elementary school group at a “real tennis club.” But learning tennis is fun, and I have met some great people, and hey, it’s summer in December so why not?

I grew tomatoes. It didn’t take that much time, so I could still do tennis and burlesque, thank god.

I make pickles like twice a month. In NZ, pickles are almost exclusively sweet gherkins. Most of you are probably like “making pickles is super easy, der.” You're right. I don’t know why I ever paid for them...oh except they were pretty cheap and super convenient to buy pretty much anywhere. It’s remarkable how scarcity, a bit of dill and a head of garlic can drive such commitment to a new activity. Now if I only had a goddamn Gardenburger to eat with my pickle slices!

On a career path note, I became a volunteer city coordinator for Product School meetups and am working to get that off the ground. I am mulling over ideas about generating and delivering content and education in the product management space...there may be a great opportunity to leverage my skill set and breadth of professional experience in NZ and I’m doing some activities that will help me network and consider the possibilities.

I have read more books since we moved than I think I read in the last 10 years. I do miss the New Yorker, I think I could finally be crushing the cover to cover in a week challenge. If you haven't read This is Where I Leave You, you should.

TV: In the interest of transparency...I don't just read and write and exercise, and as much as I’d like to present as that virtuous, I can’t lie to you, even by omission. If you have not seen the Amazon TV show Red Oaks, I highly recommend it. Obviously the tennis montages have a new-found appeal for me, but the rest of it was really good too.

Roadtrips! There’s a lot to do around NZ, even within an hour or two of Christchurch. I’m trying to think of a good way to tell you about the things we have done, there will be more posts to highlight what we’ve done so far.

We hang out with friends, host guests, and sometimes try to make new friends. More on that in other posts as well.

Here’s another thing we did, which was attend an interactive improv-y game show at the Busker Festival...yes, I am realizing as I get ready to hit “publish” that it sorta seems like Jason and I are into a whole new realm of adult entertainment. 😱. We’re really not, not that there's anything wrong with it. I just thought you might appreciate this picture of Jason:

Next up in the blog: more FAQs. Political! Personal! Practical! See you soon.

PS: I don’t just cook with cheese...and these are my tomatoes:

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lucifaz · 8 years ago

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Valkyria Chronicles: An Introspective

I’m currently going through my list of video games I’ve yet to complete as a sort of clean up (so I can justify buying more games in the future) and so I started playing Valkyria Chronicles. It’s a game that tells the story of war, of camaraderie, of transcending racism and quite recently forced me to rethink how I approach strategy games as a medium.

When I picked up Valkyria Chronicles many years ago, I fell in love with its setting, story and art style. It parallels and mimics that of World War Two Europe (called Europa in the game). You control Squad 7, the soldiers of a neutral country, Gallia (whose geography closely resembles a joint Belgium and Netherlands), defending itself from the Empire (Nazi Germany) which has invaded the countries of the Federation (Allies) for a precious resource called Ragnite, which is used to power many forms of technology.

Valkyria Chronicles is beautifully presented in a “Storybook“ style, where it’s viewed in the pages of a handwritten and hand drawn book but the action is drawn in a warm-coloured 3D style. It accentuates the look and feel of a historical event; scenes of Squad 7s interactions, which reveal their individual histories, their growth as a cohesive team and their hopes after the war, are contrasted with death, of racism against Darcsens (think the Jewish people) and the realities of war. Also, each unit in Squad 7 has a name and some amount of backstory so you can easily get invested in the characters.

I‘ve only gotten through 1/3 of the story so far but from what I’ve seen it’s very engaging and dramatic, but if you don’t like the some of the tropes of anime, which Valkyria Chonricles does sprinkle here and there, then it might not be for you. But there was a point in this game which made me so frustrated that I wanted to uninstall it and instead either watch the anime or read the manga.

Scholar’s Mate

My history of strategy games is small but varied I think. To name a few I’ve played: Disgaea, Wargames: European Escalation and most recently completed XCOM: Enemy Unknown. When I strategise, my main focus was always to never to let my units die. This is because in some games it would mean that the character might lose experience (or the chance of gaining bonus experience), a decreased reward (if the game had a ranking system), or the worst penalty of them all: permanent death of that unit.

Because my strategies revolved around this idea that all my units had to live, whenever I lost one, my strategy would immediately fall apart. Suddenly I’d lose all the momentum I had and I’d either lose my game (or be forced to win sloppily) or I would reload a previous save to refine my “perfect“ strategy.

I went into Valkyria Chronicles with the same idea: under the shadow of fear that your units can permanently die I’d formulate plans which would always involve cautious movement (so as to stay protected from free fire when moving past enemy units), precise placement (to not be exposed or so that I can be covered by friendly units) and the reliance of perfect attacks.

However, Valkyria Chronicles has one mechanic which is the bane of strategies like this: RNG (random number generation). Unlike other turn based strategy games, when you control a unit, you actually do control them for their turn. You move the unit to their position, you turn them to watch a position so it’s covered and you absolutely aim and fire. This is where the RNG comes in.

Out of the 3 aspects of my strategies, you absolutely can make efficient manoeuvres and you can place your units in such a way that any enemy unit is oliterated if they dared approach; this made my defensive game on point. But when I needed my sniper to make that perfect headshot, when I needed my lancer (an anti-tank unit) or my tank to hit their targets so that I could breakthrough and RNG caused me to fail and miss...

Losing your queen doesn’t mean you have to resign

So naturally I became very frustrated with Valkyria Chronicles. I’d hate having to slog through the rest of the level with failed attacks, I’d hate spending the time reforming my lines and I hate finishing the level with a low rank because I spent too many turns.

One day, I angrily quit the game and I hovered over the uninstall button. I didn’t buy this game to see my strategies fall apart, to be ridiculed by pointless RNG and I certainly didn’t buy this game to lose. I bought it for the story so goodbye Valkyria Chronicles. I was very, very close to pressing the button, but then I remembered an insignificant point; Valkyria Chronicles was a game series before it was adapted into an anime or a manga. So I spent some time cooling down and wondering why I wasn’t enjoying a game which was highly rated.

In strategy games, there is most likely a way of winning which is the absolute perfect way of doing things. This extends to most games actually, there is a meta which is mostly unbeatable, an almost foolproof way of playing which nets the highest success. These plays are conceived by smart, dedicated players who have studied and practised the game as if it were research on a thesis.

The first realisation I had come to, to get over my little tantrum over Valkyria Chronicles, was that I am not one of these smart, dedicated players. I’m terrible at chess and I’m actually quite shit at strategy games looking back at my history. I completed Disgaea and games like it not because I was a perfect strategist but because I overleved to the point where everything was a cakewalk. I completed XCOM not because everything I did was flawless but because I save-scummed the RNG to make it seem like I did brilliantly (I still hate RNG though). And I didn’t even complete Wargames: European Escalation.

The second realisation was that you don’t need to play well to have fun. You can have a lot of fun floundering around with friends in games like Dota 2, which is a game with a steep learning curve. You don’t always need the highest rank to say that you enjoyed a game; sometimes you make your own fun in games where it never intended. I refer to this article in preventing game burnout which contains very useful ways in learning how ot improve the longevity of the games that you buy.

The Exchange

The third realisation was that Valkyria Chronicles is actually a very forgiving game:

You can save your characters from dying permanently as long as you get to their body within three turns.Once you do that, you can actually call them into the fight the very next turn. This still makes death scary but the lenience means that I don’t have to panic when a unit dies.

The game ranks on the amount of turns taken, it doesn’t penalise you on the amount of characters that died. As much as I hate sacrificing units, this means that I can utilise this in my strategies and make very efficient attacks because sometimes the best strategies involves an exchange of pieces.

You can save-scum. Which is cheap, yeah, but the option is always there when you need to escape the horrors of bad RNG.

After a day mulling over this points, it’s reinvigorated me and I want to try play Valkyria Chronicles again because I think the reason the game is forgiving like this is because it doesn’t want its players to worry so much about playing well. The rewards for achieving the highest rank is a bit more experience and currency to improve your soldiers for the next fight. If you’re starved for these 2 resources, you can play a skirmish map and refine your strategies there.

A few people might think that this lack of punishment from the game is contradictory with Valkyria’s themes of war but I say that the gameplay itself serves as an reminder that battles did happen and it wanted the player to participate in them. It’s easy enough to have made the story into a book because the gameplay seems so secondary, but I like to think that the battles and the strategies are there to let the players experience the panic and anxiety of battle when your strategies fall apart but also the heroism of your units when RNG pulls through and a success story is made.

Valkyria Chronicles is a game which is viewed through the writings and drawing of a book. What this tells me is that history has already been set; It cannot be rewritten but it can be experienced. So I’m going to go ahead and relive history at least one more time.

#valkyria chronicles #writing #introspective #strategy games #game-review #save-scum #game-design #game-mechanics #video-games #valkyria

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