#I’m writing this during my lunch break before going back to review a memo

[gojonanami]

comment / say in tags with what you do irl

it can be as specific or vague as you want!!

[stunudo]

BAU Prep School AU

A Criminal Minds Fan-fiction

Spring Fever

Welcome to the Frederick Buchanan Institute located in scenic Quantico, Virginia, a senior high academy that shapes the best and brightest minds. Its motto is “Behavior, Analysis, Unity,” the mascot the Submariners, colloquially “the Unsubs”. The small school supports the most accomplished faculty from across the country.

Special shot out to @spencereid for the Elle gif. Kate makes amazing gifs and gifsets and deserves all the credit for her work.

March 20, 2017 7:02am

Ashley Seaver had been doing this job a long time, long enough not to bat an eye when an email from the Board of Regents comes through requesting the staff get a physical copy in their mailboxes as well as an official email. Dr. Reid really did need it in writing as he never set up his FBI email account, which amused the older blonde woman equally as it annoyed her. She didn’t even read the memo until she had printed precisely the amount of copies needed and sorted them into the clearly labeled trays along the wall.

To the Staff and Faculty of Frederick Buchanan Institute:

It has come to our attention that the personal interests of the faculty may have fallen against the clear moral code of ethics expected of the employees of our fine institution. To maintain the exemplar standards and ensure the impact of off grounds decisions are not hindering abilities to provide world class education and insight to our impressionable students, we beseech you to review the personnel manual that has been provided. If further concerns are brought to light, greater repercussions with be doled out accordingly.

Sincerely,

The Board of Regents 2016-2017

Erin Strauss

Mateo Cruz

Maxwell Ryan

‘Huh’, Ms. Seaver thought as she made her way back to her desk. The shuffling of heels and a cheery, “Morning, how’s my Seaver Savior doing?!” signaled Penelope had arrived for the day. The women made small talk as Penelope checked her mailbox, her attention drifting away from tales of the secratary’s puppy problems to the short, but intense memo in her hands.

“Whoa, mama.” Penelope muttered, shocked.

“Penelope? Everything alright?” Ashley asked. “Oh, yeah, Regents are still up in somebody’s business, even after Jason. Can you believe it?”

“Yeah, I mean, no.” Penelope said defiantly. “Well, I, uh, better scoot. Ciao!”

Penelope scampered out into the corridor leading towards her office, her fingers fidgeting with the keypad on her phone.

12:32pm

“There’s my girl!” Derek crooned slinking into Penelope’s office during her lunch.

“What? How? How are you okay right now?!” Penelope gaped at her boyfriend. She nearly ran to the door, ensuring it was open. “Better leave that open, thank you very much.”

“Pen? What’s going on?” Derek held back from snaking his arms around her, playing with her fingers instead. “You said we needed to talk this morning, call me crazy but I thought you wanted to see me.”

Penelope slammed a piece of paper into his chiseled chest, “This is what is going on, Mister Muscles. Muscles that I cannot be touching whilst at work.” She bit her lips, hands raised in surrender.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Derek rubbed his head as he read the memo. “Did everybody get this?”

“Yeah, Ashley got the email just this morning. I may have checked her inbox. But, it doesn’t say in so many words. But, we got caught, Derek.”

“This could be anything, Penelope.” Derek put the sheet down. “Maybe Reid got a speeding ticket, or Emily told off a soccer mom, we can’t be sure until we cover our bases.”

“Exactly. Which means,” Penelope inhaled, flinching. “We have to break up, but not like, really, just for here.”

“You’re fake breaking up with me?” Derek’s eyebrows nearly jumped off his face.

“Baby, we’ve got to. We both love our jobs, in fact, that’s one of the things I love most about you is how much you love your team and the other kids.”

“But, come on. Really?”

“Just for now, until we know we are in the clear.” Penelope placated.

“You’re lucky you’re gorgeous and I love you. I wouldn’t pretend to break up with just anyone, you know.”

“I know, that’s why when we are in the safe and in the clear, Mama is going to make it up to you.” Penelope’s grin curled and flat lined in an instant. “But, uh, not now, or here.”

“Right.” Derek smirked, shaking his head. “Well, alright then. Mssssss Garcia. You have a nice, professional day.”

“You too, Der- Coach.” She nodded in closing.

March 21 11:27am

“JJ?” Dave had ducked his head inside the break room before the soccer coach could head into cafeteria duty. “Can I grab you a minute?”

She glanced back at the now empty table, ensuring her place was cleared. It was, for the most part. “What’s up, Chef?”

“I just needed an extra pair of hands.” He held the door to the kitchen open and she slid inside. The old chef working quickly, letting the athletic blonde pick up on the small sorting and traying of the students’ meals. They worked in comfortable silence and were free from the daunting line of hungry teenagers soon enough.

“Thanks, JJ” Dave smiled as she sneaked a green onion from one of the prep tables. “I see your appetite has come back. That’s good, I was beginning to take this thinning face, personally.”

JJ crunched down on the vegetable earnestly clearing her mouth in order to answer him. “Dave, come now, you know if I could I would have been in here everyday stealing something.”

“So everything is okay, with?” Dave patted his own belly.

JJ sighed and nodded. “Yep, doctor says everything is good. Now that I am in my second trimester, the queasiness has backed off.” Her hand instinctively rested on her barely bump.

“When are you due?”

“September 19. Which means needing a coach and a long time sub come fall semester.”

“Hotch know?”

“I’m guessing somebody told him. Did you know that having an unwed mother on staff is considered a breach of our code of ethics?”

“He didn’t say that?” Dave’s voice shortened in alarm.

“No, but something is pushing the Board’s buttons.”

“Don’t worry about them. You take care of the two of you.” Dave smiled, patting JJ on the back as they headed their separate ways.

Mach 22 3:42pm

“Come in,” Hotch said evenly at the knock on his door. “Ms. Prentiss? Hello, stopping by to get the previous minutes for the next Booster Club meeting?” The confusion on his face was nearly masked, he had no idea why Emily was stopping by after school.

“No, actually, but I will get them from Ashley via email, thanks.” She sat, stiffly in front of her boss, unwilling to mince words, she set her copy of the Board’s memo on his desk. “There are better ways of going about this, don’t you think?”

“I had no idea they were sending this out, Emily. Why are you upset?” Hotch held the sheet without looking at it, eyes wary.

“Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps someone decided I am the next victim in Lizzie’s temper tantrum.” Emily stared glassy eyed at Hotch, waiting.

“To my knowledge, this is not about you. Is there something you feel guilty about?” Hotch smirked, amused at the shocked expression on the woman’s face.

“Not guilty, let’s just say I am uneasy with the way the atmosphere can change.”

“You’ve been teaching for seventeen years, Emily. What possibly changed that much, suddenly?”

“I had a relationship with a co-worker. A relationship many people do not approve of.” Emily laid her cards bare.

“Emily this is not about one of the staff being gay, or anyone being LGBTQ.” Hotch explained.

“It’s not?” She nodded. “Good.” The relief at war with her unshakeable demeanor.

“Besides, I don’t know why you think that was a secret until recently. You went to school here, people have always talked.”

“I had no idea my private life was common gossip.”

“Emily, you’re a highly respected educator. Nothing about your character or your desire to fill these kids’ heads full of possibility is in question.”

She smiled, he was good at this. “Before I go, I gotta know. When did you know?” She raised her chin in interest.

Hotch exhaled through pursed lips, “Well, when Ian Doyle asked you to Homecoming your senior year?” Hotch shrugged.

“You remember that?!” Emily chuckled. “Christ, what were you, a freshman?”

“You threw his lunch in the trash and gave him a double middle finger.” The subdued laughter shaking his chest.

“And that proves I’m gay, how?” Emily countered, crossing her arms over her chest.

“You did it to get a rise out of your crush.” Hotch leaned back in his chair.

“Bullshit.”

“It’s okay, Emily. I had a thing for Mrs. Robbins too. I think everyone did. She always wore those-”

They looked at each other and broke into fits. “Miniskirts.” They said in unison.

March 24 3:17pm Raleigh, NC

Alex, Stephen and Kate stood in the wings of the stage watching the 2017 debate team await their scores for the first round of the Southeast Regional Competition. Zachary was off to the side as Sacha and Kimi held hands nervously. Trevor, Amelia, and Jake were trying to get each other to laugh, psyching each other out. The emcee’s voice boomed through the microphone, “The winner of the 2017 group debate with a team of four or more is—- the Junction School for Girls from Ideal, Georgia.”

Alex knew it was coming, but it didn’t make it any easier watching the disappointment fall on each of her kids’ faces. Kate stood beside her, clapping encouragingly. They had an outstanding season up until this point, caravan-ing and squabbling over semantics to get here. Alex was incredibly proud of how far they had come, but it didn’t matter, the loss had to be felt before the silver lining could be recognized as more than a splinter in an open wound.

Stephen gestured to the kids, shaking his hand in the air. Zachary caught his drift and started congratulating their opponents on their victory. Sacha rolled her eyes and stomped in line behind Kimi, muttering her parroted responses. The teams cleared the stage and found their chaperones.

“Unsubs!” Alex waved over her head, despite Stephen’s higher perch. “Alright, how do you guys think you did?”

“Well, we lost, so-” Amelia started.

“We did good. They did better.” Zachary shrugged.

“You really think we did worse than them?” Sacha challenged.

“Zach is right, Sash.” Ms. Blake explained. “And that’s okay. We lost. It sucks. But it is not the end of the world. You, all, have grown in ways I didn’t know you could this season. You are still Virgina’s State Champion Debate Team, don’t forget that.”

March 24 11:14pm

Spencer Reid had been over to Elle’s apartment a handful of times over the year and a half they had worked together. He helped cat sit when she went home for Christmas, he had joined her for some awards show last winter and then there was the soap opera binge of summer 2016 when it had been too hot to leave the house and they watched a month’s worth of a show in a weekend. Needless to say, he had never arrived uninvited, especially not in the middle of the night. But something was off with Elle that day at school and Spencer hadn’t been able to sleep not knowing his friend was alright.

He should have called her before he left, weighing the concept of owning a cell phone in his mind before dismissing the thought. But he hadn’t called, so when he knocked nervously on her door, he was expecting a less than polite reception from her colorful mouth. She opened the door with a quick harrumph after checking the peep hole.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Dr. Reid?” She laughed at herself as she showed him inside. Spencer’s suspicions proven concrete with the jar of booze left out on the kitchen island. He squinted behind his glasses and stood anxiously with his hands in his pockets.

“I noticed something was bothering you, earlier. And, uh, I couldn’t sleep knowing you were upset.” Spencer explained, Elle’s face was rosy with the warmth inside her. Her dark features softened with the loss of tension from the alcohol. It wasn’t that she was more beautiful drunk. Although, those walls she kept up emotionally, had come down; allowing her to be viewed physically and not just navigated socially. She noticed Spencer noticing this phenomenon.

“You were thinking about me?” Elle’s voice was softer, deeper. Spencer gulped. “Would you like a drink? I’ve had my share and it is best to not drink alone.”

“Is it?” Spencer asked, not knowing that expression.

“So they say,” Elle grinned, bringing down another glass from the cabinet. “Take your coat off, Reid.”

Eventually Spencer relaxed enough to sit down with Elle in her living room, each clutching their cocktail glasses. He for a grounding effect, she so as not to spill. A comedy played in the background as small talk took over the conversation. Elle didn’t say it, but she was relieved that he had shown up. Too scared to be alone with her own thoughts.

“Are we going to talk about what sent my Spidey-senses off today?” Spencer teased, having finished one of the potent beverages and starting on his second.

“I thought it was obvious,” Elle shrugged. “The continued witch hunt from the Regents? I mean, it feels like this is just another tick against me for hurting their reputation for having Brayden put away.“

“That whole thing occurred on campus, Elle.” Spencer reassured her. “I thought the memo had to do with Penelope and Coach Morgan?”

“Please, Spence, Rossi and Alex were married, for like, years. They don’t get their panties this twisted over co-mingling.”

“They don’t?” Spencer’s voice cracked, the surprise evident.

“I mean, unless they are getting it on during school hours or in the locker room. Of course.” Elle chuckled.

“Right, of course.” Spencer shrugged, sipping the biting liquid again.

“You really don’t drink much, huh?” Elle pinched his cheek, as he tried to straighten away the disgust on his face. He froze at her touch, she was soft and warm.

“Not really.” Spencer breathed, she was leaning closer as if they were sharing a secret.

“Reid, don’t freak out, but I am going to kiss you now.” Elle said plainly, her eyes calm, yet searching.

“Wha-?” Spencer started as her mouth encased his bottom lip. Her hair smelled of honey and teak. He remembered to close his eyes as her hands found the sides of his face. This was nice.

Elle managed to take Spencer’s cup from his sweaty palm and set it down on the coffee table with barely a break in their kiss. Spencer didn’t know what to do with his hands, keeping them tentatively on her thighs. Suddenly she was straddling his lap and his glasses were gone. Spencer’s body was enjoying this more than the rational parts of his brain as he realized how drunk Elle must be and how this was not why he came over in the first place.

“Hey,” Elle asked, pecking along his jaw. “Everything alright?”

“There is so much going on, that it would be indeterminable for it to be right in its entirety.” Spencer’s fact voice replied.

“I’ve wanted to do this for a long time, Spence.” Elle explained then began stroking his ear with her tongue.

“You have?” His voice shifted with his unforgiving blush.

“I mean, waiting for you to get over JJ. Then when you told Emily off I got nervous again. But now, I think it’s safe. Don’t you?”

“Why now? What’s changed?” Spencer’s curiosity getting the best of him, his hands holding her small waist affectionately.

“Well, because she went and got herself knocked up. Clearly, JJ is out of the picture.”

Spencer froze, Elle closed her eyes at the faux pas. She rolled off his lap as he processed what she had told him. It was devastating him and the reality of its weight sunk in Elle’s stomach. The shame and the bitterness warred within her.

“Look, I’m sorry I said anything about JJ,” Elle began, standing and clearing their glasses. “But I’m not sorry for kissing you. Now, if you can say the same, we can keep talking.”

Elle couldn’t look him in the eye, because they oozed regret and she didn’t want their moment tarnished more. He had kissed her back, even if he didn’t have all the information, some part of him wanted her too. But he still loved JJ more, that much was abundantly clear. Spencer found his glasses and followed Elle to the kitchen.

“I don’t know what to say,” Spencer admitted. He always had something to say, why were words failing him now when he needed them most?

“You don’t have to say anything, Reid.” Elle’s walls were returning. “Thanks for stopping by. Maybe we can do this again, if Mommy Dearest let’s you out of the house.”

“Don’t be like that.” He cringed. “I came over to make sure you’re okay and I somehow made it worse, haven’t I?” Spencer didn’t wait for an answer, it was better left unsaid. He grabbed his coat and waved his goodbye. Elle locked the door behind him and bent over as the tears washed over her.

April 3 3:35pm

Tara Lewis wasn’t sure what was worse, the quiet or the storm. She knew her presence at the school hadn’t been expected. She also knew that the students had been allowed to slack off under their previous history instructor’s tenure. The audacity of her to expect their darling Sallys and Johns to apply insight to their history essays or handle more than multiple choice exams, honestly.

Dr. Tara Lewis was well-versed in the politics of private school educations of the spawn of the one percenters. She was, unfortunately, not used to the blatant biases of the south. It wasn’t a surprise, she was far too smart to be naive. It was just another layer she had to break her way through that glass ceiling. After the first month of her teaching had passed with little more than a catty remark from a student here or there; she knew she was still in the quiet.

The storm rolled in with a Coach purse, hiding behind a pair of Fendi shades.

“Is there something I can help you with, Ms. Kane-Gordon?” Dr. Lewis asked as the mother wandered into her classroom, barely after the final bell.

“I want to know what the hell you think you’re doing!” The woman left little room for polite conversation.

“Ma’am, if you would like to question my teaching methods or expectations, I insist on Headmaster Hotchner’s presence. He should know about any concerns about my performance.” Dr. Lewis’s voice was saccharine laced venom, gaging that this parent was on the shallower end of observant. ‘He should know what I have to deal with,’ was what she meant.

“He has already been emailed about this. I just don’t see how Sacha’s grade could drop so much, its clear you’re new at this.”

“No. Sacha’s grade dropped because she is not performing to the standards set by this school or myself. If she wants a better grade, she will have to work for it. Now I am ha-”

“I’m not done here.” Lauren Kane-Gordon interjected.

“I’m sure you’re not. But I the bell rang twelve minutes ago, and that means I am free to go. If you need me, the headmaster and I will be happy to set up a meeting. Sacha can ask for help anytime. Goodnight, Ms. Kane-Gordon.”

April 10 1pm

Penelope squealed as Andrew held the door open for his mother and father.

“Mr. and Mrs. Heathridge, come on in, folks!” The guidance counselor led them over to her couch and lounge chairs. “I’m so glad you could make it in to help Andrew transition back into classes.”

Derek had stopped Andrew at the door, a welcoming fist bump turned hug for his varsity lineman. They joined Ms. Garcia and Andrew’s parents at their little pow-wow.

“So how’s it going, man?” Coach Morgan asked, trying to keep the mood positive.

“Good, that rehab was pretty intense stuff, but I’m really glad I went. It wasn’t like an addiction, like what Dr. Reid went through, but the body image issues and the need to be the best were driving every part of my day.” Andrew confided to the group.

“Oh, buddy, we are so proud of you,” Ms. Garcia patted his large knee. “Now, for the not so good news. Classes are off like gangbusters for second semester, you’ll have to check in with each of your teachers weekly to see that you are getting caught up.”

“And Dr. Reid and I are still having after school study sessions on Wednesdays in the Library. If you need me, I’m there.”

“Thanks, Coach.” Andrew nodded, writing down reminders for himself on a small steno pad. “And Ms. Garcia, of course.”

“Now, Andrew is still being recruited by Ohio State and Western Michigan.” Mr. Heathridge explained. “How can we ensure we, Andrew is the right head space to start in the fall?”

“Well, he knows he can come to us, either of us, with anything.” Coach Morgan began.

“And I have his doctor’s numbers from the treatment facility if we notice and fallbacks. This is a village and we don’t disappear even when our kids graduate.” Ms. Garcia added enthusiastically.

“Do you hear that, baby?” Mrs. Hearthridge’s stroked her son’s large arm. “No more, I’m too tough for help, crap.”

“Yes, mama.” Andrew rolled his eyes playfully, but she pinched him back.

“Alrighty, well, we have everything set for tomorrow. Headmaster Hotchner wants you to stop in to see him in the morning, he has a schedule of meeting times with each teacher outside of class time.” Ms. Garcia explained.

“Thanks again, both of you.” Mrs. Heathridge’s graciousness was infectious.

“And Dr. Reid, tell him from us as well?” Mr. Heathridge added.

“See ya, Coach, Ms. Garcia.”

The couple proudly saw the family back out towards the parking lot. They were born to do this; help kids grow into adults. Derek kept his hands at his sides, missing the hug of celebration from his Baby Girl.

Very Special Thanks to Cassie @mentallydatingspencerreid,

Meg @imagicana , and Loki @ay-nako!!!

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@loadingdelete

[cosmosogler]

hi guys. it’s already ten!!!

i went to bed later than i wanted to last night. then snoopy yowled all night. it woke me up 5-10 times. i lost count. i also didn’t know what time it was. i was just in limbo hell of “doze off, get immediately woken up by repeated and continuous meowing, still dark out.”

i was so tired when i got to class. i was so tired. i was only five minutes late. today i put on a light jacket and some gloves so the wind wouldn’t be miserable.

i met with my professors after class... the quantum mechanics professor gave me a Look. the classical mechanics professor told me this is becoming a problem because he can’t post the homework solutions for my classmates. it was... kinda stressful, i guess, honestly. i ended up caving and just asking suzanne for her solutions this evening when it became clear that i did not have time to sit and even start working yet again.

after my first two classes and the professor meetings my friends and i headed out for spaghetti day. it was great. we got there at a reasonable time and we had like 45 minutes to just relax in the grass and eat some spaghetti. 

every week harrison has been asking how many regretti i have at the end of each meal when i split off for group therapy. i have been slowly increasing the amount in my reply. 

oh yeah between classes luis was sitting at the desk next to me. i think one time he noticed when i was lost in thought because he held out his arm for a high five at the edge of my field of view. but anyway he said i was a northerner and i said arizona wasn’t really that far north of florida. he said i am sitting in the desk to the north of him so that makes me a northerner. i put my face in my hands.

group therapy went really well this week. the others seemed to think we didn’t talk about “anything heavy” but i think tax worries can get pretty heavy... i got to  share some of my achievements over the last week and talk about advice i’ve been trying to implement.

like when i was advised to start periodically writing down all my feelings in a notebook or a phone memo, i started stopping myself sometimes during the day and mentally scrolling through all the words for feelings that i could think of. i’d ask myself why i feel this way or that way, if that word fit how i was feeling... it’s not really making feelings come back? but it’s helping me kind of redefine the parameters i want to use for these feelings i guess. i said i haven’t been writing them down yet though, because i haven’t. i should do check ins a little more often even if i don’t put them here.

after group i went to get a hair cut!!! i just got a few inches off, to get my hair above my shoulders. on the way back to the department i noticed when people were looking at me way more than i usually notice. i was really worried something was wrong with my hair, or my face, or whatever i guess. when i finally did get back to the department i went in the bathroom to check the mirror and my brain said “oh!! it is my hair but shorter!” and that was a relief. when i was walking into the building my hair had formed a perfect ringlet directly into my eyeball so i put my bow back in. i had to wait for it to dry is all.

the other students were still all in class so i watched a youtube video. well, i watched two, since they were both around 20 minutes. after that keegan asked if i wanted to play smash and i said yes. harrison also joined us. 

we finally figured out a really good system. harrison and i are put on a team (with team attack on) against keegan and that way we win sometimes. actually as we kept playing harrison and i both got a lot better at working together and we started winning more often. we took out keegan when he was trying his hardest as, i think, marth, so he switched to captain falcon and kneed us both in the face until we flew off the edges.

i really want to switch to smash 4 but neither harrison nor keegan have a 3ds.

keegan showed me how to... jump cancel dash grab? i think that’s what it’s called. it made me actually able to grab other characters in the game hahaha. i don’t use grabs very much but with a much quicker option that helped a lot so i could hold him in the way of harrison’s attacks. or just throw him at harrison.

we played right up until the extra quantum lecture at 6. so, an hour and a half. which is not actually that long, game session wise. 

i told keegan later that i find it kind of astonishing that, like... it’s not surprising that i feel better after playing a video game with my friends. but the amount that i feel better is really something. i’ve been picking up new moves and hitting more “frame perfect” attacks every time we play and we barely even play once a week. it’s just... nice to be able to learn fast and retain a lot of information really quickly again, i guess. 

i realized a little too late that the pace of smash bros is comparable to that of fencing. i’d tell harrison to do something or to cover me and i’d feel like i gave him so much time and he just stood there, but thinking about it i probably gave him less than half a second to react before it was too late. i have to remember he’s a beginner, both to smash and to the gamecube controller. reflexes are something you build up over, you know, twenty-five years of playing video games i guess.

actually keegan was better at reacting to my communication than harrison was and i ended up missing a lot of big charged attacks because i’d try to warn the kid to get out of the way. team combos were a lot of fun though.

i do need to practice melee a little bit though... keegan said he was very interested in one-on-one fights because he would also get to do combos. i’ve gotten a lot better at them in the last few months but i still can’t take him on head to head haha.

that sure was a lot of time i just spent talking about smash!!!

i think i was the only one in our whole class who was actually taking notes in quantum at 6 pm. i was starving and exhausted though. i think everyone else (including the professor) was too. taylor may have fallen asleep.

after class taylor and i talked to harrison for a little bit and then we all went home. when i got home i popped some veggie corn dogs in the microwave and hid some cookies for snoopy. when i went to brush her i think i hit a tangle because she hissed at me again. she didn’t bite though! and i didn’t flinch away, i just moved my hand away and then put the brush down where she could see it. i’m glad that she trusts me enough to just hiss angrily instead of biting me and THEN hissing. she knows i’ll stop whatever i’m doing now. 

i cleaned her food bowl... and did some to-do list organization. i’m... worried. i feel like i took too many breaks today, even though it was only, like three. lunch, the videos after my haircut, and then playing melee for a while. everything else was class, doctor, or maintenance. 

tomorrow’s going to be just as bad. i’m teaching four hours from 9:30 to 1:45. i might get out a little less late since my slower student isn’t at my section this week... but then from 2 to 4 i’m at the drc. when am i gonna do homework...? suzanne sent me a guide but i don’t even have time to just sit down and follow that. and it’s not just blindly writing down everything because i gotta try to catch mistakes she made. and i also need to understand the material if i’m going to pass the class. it’s more like a hand rail while i go up the stairs.

i guess.

i just want to be caught up to my classmates again... i want to be part of the peer group instead of behind it. i’ve been struggling so hard with the homework that i haven’t been able to contribute and answer other people’s questions even in quantum. and i only have three weeks left to do that before finals. i’m scared. i still need to retake my quantum midterm but i haven’t had time to sit down to review my notes for that either.

sometimes i feel that if i had two more hours each day i could get everything that needed doing done. i’m starting to learn that a big part of grad school is accepting that not everything is going to get done on your preferred schedule. ESPECIALLY for me. so even with an extra two hours i probably just... wouldn’t be able to work for the whole extra two hours. i’m already exhausted by the end of the day. i can’t even do anything after like 8:30 unless it’s home-related and i can knock it out in 10 minutes. 

anyway a good thing today is that i got the self esteem boost of participating positively in group therapy today during the discussion, and also of realizing that i am remembering everything i learn during our bouts of smash even though they are kind of short and spaced very thinly.

it’s probably because i am actively doing the stuff i’m learning instead of trying to get it out of a book and lecture. it would probably help if i did physics practice problems. that’s always been a problem.

um... i guess writing it all down like this i did a lot today. it just wasn’t class work, which is what i need to be getting done. maybe tomorrow will be better. i’ll just have to try again. maybe i can bully harrison into grabbing an extra meal with me or something since hunger is a big issue when i’m thinking really hard.