#I’m watered by an ocean of delulu

[caterpillarinacave]

I am. Incredibly stressed. For incredibly unimportant reasons.

[lazorbeanz]

Sonamy Headcanons because I’m deprived and extremely delulu 🙃

🩷 Sonic has like- telepathic senses that tell him whenever Amy is in potential danger

“My Amy Senses are tingling..” 🤣

if you’ve watched Barbie Life in the Dreamhouse, you’ll get it lololol

💙 Sonamy road trips roles

Amy: driver, trip organiser, checklists checklist checklists, “DONT EAT THOSE THEY’RE FOR THE TRIP!!”, carpool karaoke *whips out her inner Ariana Grande*, “eughhh Sonic did you fart?!”

Sonic: passenger princess, DJ, snacc provider (and eater), sleeping beauty, “couldn’t we just use my speed to get there?”, argues with the GPS because he knows a faster route (one not requiring the road)

🩷 Sonic and Amy playing table tennis:

Amy: sonic, serve

Sonic: *💁‍♂️🕺*

Amy: no- serve the BALL xD

💙 Person: “are you two dating?”

Sonic and Amy: *while holding hands* “no”

🩷 Though he doesn’t admit it, Sonic also loves his quills massaged. Sometimes when Sonic and Amy are chilling under a tree together, and he ends up dozing off, Amy will rest his head on her lap and stroke her hand through his quills, resulting in a few faint purrs from the hedgehog, which she secretly gushes over about

💙 They could be arguing for 5 minutes straight and after be like:

“I LOVE YOUUUU!!” >:O

“I LOVE YOU TOOOOOO!!!!” >:O

🩷 Amy finds shopping twice as fun with Sonic because he will just sit her in the shopping cart, as they zip up and down the aisles whilst grabbing the items on the list…getting it all done in 2 minutes tops. They call it the Operation: S^2 (Speed Shopping)

💙 Sonic and Amy could already be years into marriage but will still do or say things that’ll make the other flustered, like the times when they were dating.

🩷 Amy knows that if Sonic is being really flirty with her, he usually wants something.

💙 If Sonic and Amy are both sick one day, they will tell off each other, insisting they should be at home resting.

It results in both of them at Amy’s house, snuggled up on the couch binging movies.

🩷 As much as Amy likes sharing the goss with rouge and the girls, there’s nothing like sharing it with her bf because he goes all “omg gurl no wayyy! 💅” or he starts spilling his own tea with her lmao “omg bestie you won’t believe who I saw the other day…”

💙 Sonic plans secret meet ups with Cream, who teaches him how to make her signature flower crowns…he hopes to master it so he can make Amy one, one day…

🩷 (this following hc was an idea from a comic I believe..don’t know who made it but if u do pls let me know for credit purposes ig kajsjwidj)

Amy knows how Sonic can sometimes struggle to speak his feelings and is often an action over words type of guy. So she came up with this thing that anytime Sonic wants to tell Amy he loves her, without verbally saying it, all he needs to do is squeeze her hand 3 times; I. Love. you.

💙 When Amy told Sonic she wanted to go dancing with him, she didn’t expect it to be just dance…anyways she had tons of fun!

🩷 If they have sleepovers, it’s a tradition that they wear matching onesies (guys comment what they should be hehe)

💙 Amy uses Sonic as the makeup tester. He ends up looking ready for the circus afterwards but he honestly doesn’t mind this because he gets tons of kissies when she’s trying out the lipsticks

🩷 Walks along the beach are nice and romantic until Sonic decides to be a lil shh and kick sand in Amy’s shoes *cue her dragging her naughty bf towards the ocean*

💙 Amy’s a sucker for old school romance; love letters, flowers, fancy dates…and Sonic knows this. (Well EVERYONE does actually…) So one day, despite how inexperienced he is in the whole romance department, sets aside time to work on writing a letter, buying flowers and arranging somewhere nice to take Amy out for her to fulfil her romance fantasies. She’ll even get to dress up for this occasion

🩷 Sonic helping out Amy in the kitchen be like:

“A-Amy…I burnt the water…”

“Sonic how TF did you BURN the water?!”

“I DONT KNO-”

💙 Amy is having a downer and is very clingy…so here is Sonic running his gf’s errands, with his gf clinging onto him. People will see this unusual phenomenon and he just gives them all the stare…nothing to see here! I mean it ain’t the first time he’s had to cart a pink hedgehog round the place

🩷 For the longest time, Amy has had a box sitting aside in her closet, containing a new special swim shirt, arm floaties, and a swimming kickboard, for when Sonic decides to finally learn how to swim. She can’t see the day any of the contents will be used but she could only hope.

💙 Sonic keeps an umbrella on standby for future “need to share an umbrella” emergencies

🩷 In the winter, they’re practically inseparable, using each other desperately to warm up. Because of this Tails had to design them jackets with instant heating, but they still end up back together even though they aren’t freezing anymore

[nerdieforpedro]

Wrong Beach and a Speedo

Part One of Two Hearts by the Ocean

This part is for general audiences - rating will depend on individual parts. Overall will be 18+ MDNI

Javier Gutierrez x Abigail (plus size OFC)

Main Masterlist / Two Hearts by the Ocean Masterlist / Javier Gutierrez Masterlist

Word Count: about 2.3k

Summary: Frustrated by her friends, Abigail is going to see one of the beaches on Mallorca. Her sense of direction fails her and she meets a man in a speedo. Javier needed a break from his current worries. The beach is picturesque and so is the beginning of their story.

Warnings: mildly annoying friends, rich guy horrible cousin problems, meet-cute, that speedo, FLUFF, they're sweet okay?!

Notes: I've actually had this in my WIP folder since October of last year. I really have wanted to write for sweet Javi G and finally the right idea came along. Since it's winter I really want to be on a beach somewhere. Soaking in some sun and finding Javi in a speedo. A lovely summer romance. 🥰 I have a lovely mansion in delulu land.

Cobblestone streets, rolling waves on beaches, beautiful vistas from atop hills; this was Majorca, Spain. There was so much to see and do on a girls’ trip there. But Abigail’s friend group was more preoccupied with the nightlife and wineries. Wine didn’t taste like sweet grape juice and she wasn’t too keen on being in a club, she didn’t even go clubbing at home. Why do that when there’s so much to explore?! These heifers hadn’t even been to the beach. She did not come all the way to a beautiful island off of Spain to be inside partying all the time, some of the time sure but not all the time.

Abigail was a round girl, larger belly than butt that hung a little, wide thighs, arms that waved after she stopped doing so and a round face. She believed she was cute, she wouldn’t say sexy, but cute and she felt even more so in her red one-piece bathing suit with white polka dots. It also had a short skirt that accentuated what little butt she did have. She had a large yellow sun hat and put on her white cat eye sunglasses following the resort map to the beach. She brought her tote bag which had her phone, wallet, sunscreen, books, beach towel and towel to dry off and a water bottle. She also carried a beach chair that had an umbrella attached to it. Abigail always liked to be well prepared even if it looked and was cumbersome. She trotted down to the beach and set herself up, sitting in her chair that she placed on her beach blanket and stretched her legs out. She was watching and water and sky meet each other on the horizon as waves crashed lightly before her. It was stunning and looked like a postcard.

“This is perfect. I’m so glad I finally made it here.” A serene smile came over her face, she cracked the spine on her erotic thriller that she brought with her, ‘The PI that Fucked around and found out.’

Javier was fed up with Lucas sticking around so long this time, they had argued again about Javi’s scripts and his Nic Cage shrine. Lucas wanted him to spend the money and make like a party boy so he did, what was the problem? He didn’t like guns and very violent things like his cousin, he didn’t need to feed into any machismo by being any sort of tough guy. Thanks to Lucas, Gabriella had really quit this time and left the country, who was gonna help manage the estate now? Lucas and his friends had made one too many passes at her, she shot the man in the balls and now she was in the wind. Did Javi know where she was? No and even if she did, he wouldn’t tell his cousin a damn thing. 

The Majorcan party boy needed to relax and the ocean did that for him, despite all the chaos his cousin caused, the ocean and Nic cage movies were constants in his life. Javier donned his white and navy speedo and asked the chef to help him put sunscreen on his back, he slipped him a few hundred for it because it was not in his job description. Javier just had his towel, shades and a longing to be in the water.

He happened to spy something new at his beach though. A blue umbrella chair, and thick caramel legs extending from under it. Javi knew he hadn’t been at the beach but a few minutes so he shouldn’t be hallucinating right now, right? He figured he should just let the person know that this was a private beach and you can’t just come in here, but he looked past the stone wall that surrounded his estate and noted that the fence labeled private property had been removed, when did that happen and why didn’t he not know about it? Is Lucas messing with him? Would he go that far? Even the beach? The aspiring screenwriter expected to see one of his cousin’s goons and not…an attractive pair of legs, likely belonging to a woman he assumed. 

Javier walked over to the umbrella repeating, “Hola! Perdón, señorita? Hola! (Hello! Excuse me, Miss! Hello!)” several times with no response. He walked around to the front of the umbrella and roughly waved after being frustrated but it melted away when he saw her. “Oh! Ah…perdón una diosa (a goddess).” Javi simply stared at the woman before him. She had a large hat on and sunglasses but she had a round adorable face to match her soft body and those dense thighs. Her delicate hands set the book down and removed her AirPods. She looked up and removed her sunglasses exposing honey eyes that appeared to be confused. 

 “Buenas tardes señor (Good afternoon sir). Pasa algo (Is there anything going on?) Estaba sentado leyendo (I was sitting and reading).” She responded; she said the words correctly but seemed to have an issue rolling her tongue. Spanish was not likely her first language which meant she may be a tourist. Javier knew of a resort that had a beach on its property, but why was she here?

“Muy bien (Very good) señorita. Hablas Ingles (Do you speak English)?” Javier asked with his smile still wide though his praise of her may have extended to what he saw before him as well as her proficiency in Spanish. He heard her chuckle and stood from her chair, she dusted her bottom off and returned his smile. 

“Sí (Yes). Ah yes I do. I’m sorry, I did practice some basic phrases but I’m not past the colors, stores and family yet. Um,” Abigail explained. She wasn’t exactly sure what to do. He seemed nice, definitely handsome and she was drawn to him. She crossed her arms over her stomach and held her forearms, her very obvious anxious tell. “My name is Abigail. Are you here to enjoy the beach too?” Javier’s smile changed to a grin and nodded.

“Yes señorita Abigail. I regret to tell you that you are on a private beach. My private beach.” He stated, not menacingly but the look on Abigail’s face told him that it was received poorly. 

“No, this should be the resort beach. I walked from just over there.” She pointed to where the fence was suspiciously gone. Javier sighed as he followed her finger to that area as well. He pondered and considered asking her to leave, though when he turned back to tell her this, she was bent over rummaging through her tote bag looking for her map. Javier stared at her rear and his eyes went wide. He is first and foremost a gentleman so he looked away…after sneaking a lingering peek.

Abigail finally retrieved the map and pointed to her resort and the path she walked to the beach. Javier was thankful that she didn’t seem to notice and looked at the map with her.

“Señorita, the map is the wrong way. The beach that belongs to the resort is to the right and not the left.” Javier pointed out, taking the map and turning it the opposite direction, he set it in her soft hands and exhaled deeply. He chuckled as she stared at it, he could picture smoke coming out of her ears. 

“I…this is worse than that time I got lost finding my own car from the airport…” Abigail sighed, her poor sense of direction had prevailed again. She weakly smiled at Javier and then frowned. He was being very nice about some weird lady on his property. This beautiful man in a speedo. She wanted to poke his belly and see if he would giggle. He looked like he would, his face was so expressive. “I-I’m sorry for trespassing. I didn’t even realize I was. It was just really wonderful to have a calm day at the beach.” Her eyes led back to the water, it was quiet here, not full of bumbling tourists and crying children, but it was not hers to enjoy. Noticing the longing look she had toward the seas, Javier had an idea, rather a suggestion.

“Señorita Abigail, you’re more than welcome to stay on the beach for the time being. I’m glad you were able to find peace here.” Javier started, her face snapped back to his with a wide smile. He continued, “Do you have any food allergies or dishes you’re opposed to eating? While we relax out in the sun, I can ask my chef to make us lunch.” His hand extended and took a hold of hers that wasn’t holding the map, she didn’t shy away from the touch but she wasn’t expecting it either nor was she expecting to be offered a meal by the very person who came to tell her that she was on his property.

“No food allergies. Are you sure? Oh, I don’t think you gave me your name.” She recalled, no, he had not, she knew she wasn’t good with names but she felt she wouldn’t forget his. His thumb pressed into the soft flesh of the back of her hand slightly, feeling it bounce.

“My name is Javier Gutiérrez. Please call me Javi mi diosa.” In his excitement upon meeting her, he left his name out, thinking it not at all important when speaking to the crimson and caramel clad beauty before him. 

“Javier…Javi. Okay, I got it.” Abigail muttered to herself, though Javi overheard and was delighted. “Lunch sounds delightful. I’m not hungry now, but I will be in a bit.” She explained, Javier released her hand and sped toward his expansive home yelling, 

“I’ll be right back señorita Abigail! Do not spirit away anywhere!” Javier yelled kicking up sand as he ran toward his home. He informed his chef to prepare lunch for two along with a little something for dessert, whatever he had around. It dawned on Javier that his guest may not want to eat in her bathing suit. His golf cart could take her back to the hotel and bring her back for lunch. He informed one of the maids to prepare a room for her and to leave for the day. Maybe she would stay, maybe not, but he would be prepared either way. Javier wondered what movies Abigail may want to watch, everyone has at least one favorite move, what was hers? He grabbed a white button up shirt and threw it on quickly, not bothering to close it up. If she wanted to freshen up, she’d likely want to do so where had her clothes. Javier also reasoned that at least having a shirt would be better than showing up to the resort in just a speedo.

Abigail stood looking over the water after folding her beach chair and towel. The cerulean waves crashed along the shore and she had a serene smile on her face. It truly was beautifully breathtaking. She didn’t hear the jovial man’s steps behind her, a strong gust of wind blew her hat and it started to get away. Javier stretched and grabbed the brim of the hat, he pulled it to his toned chest and held it until the wind calmed. A beaming smile was across his face as he stepped in front of Abigail.

“Perdón (excuse me) Señorita Abigail. Tu sombrero está a salvo. (Your hat is safe).” Javi stretched out his arms and raised them, placing the hat on her head and tipping it up at an angle so her face was fully visible. 

“Gracias (Thank you) Javier.” Abigail smiled shyly, placing her hand over Javi’s on her hat. They were warm from the sunlight, he brought a hand to her face to cup it, but let it hover.

“Is it alright if I touch your face Señorita Abigail?” Javier questioned softly, she nodded and dropped her hands, letting them rest at her sides.

“Only if you call me Abigail or Abby rather. Señorita is a bit too formal.” A smile graces her face as his sun-kissed hand cupped her face with his thumb outlining her soft cheek. She couldn’t resist reaching for the hand still at his side and holding it. The moment appeared surreal as they stood, the crashing of the waves behind them, with another soft breeze in the air.

“Señ- Abby, did you want to come to lunch as you are now? Or travel back to your hotel to change. I find myself fine with either option you choose.” The chocolate haired man explained, leaving Abigail to decide. It would be best to freshen up before going to his home which looked to be enormous. A squeeze of his hand and a nod confirmed that she heard him. 

“I’ll go and freshen up before our meal. I shouldn’t be long Javier.” Her voice was calm as he led her to his golf cart. She was curious why he was leading her to the golf cart, but he quickly explained that he would drive her to her resort, help her unload her beach belongings. Javier joked that he came prepared with his shirt which made her chuckle as he carried her bag and chair despite her instance that she could carry one of them but he refused to let her as he put them in the golf cart. 

Together, they made the short drive to her resort where Javier suggested that Abby should have his number to be able to text him and let him know when she was ready for him to pick her up for lunch. Had he not had such a warm smile and gentle touch, Abigail would have said no. Javier, however, had walked her to her room on the fourth floor of the resort and his hand touched the middle of her back as they walked inside and spoke briefly about what she had seen on the island already and still wanted to see. She ended up watching him as he left her room and made his way down the hallway, waving to her as the elevator doors closed.

“Hasta leugo mi diosa (See you later my goddess).”

Part Two

Peeps who got lost and found that speedo 😎: @innerpersonunknown @trulybetty @tinytinymenace @maggiemayhemnj @megamindsecretlair @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @grogusmum @secretelephanttattoo @mysterious-moonstruck-musings @morallyinept @lady-bess @readingiskeepingmegoing @missladym1981 @avastrasposts @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @gasolinerainbowpuddles @i-own-loki

[love-and-deepspace-fanfic]

You know I’m obsessed with a card when I can’t stop delulu about it! ><

So here’s another “shortie but steamie” version of our “OMNIPOTENT CARD” (of course!) for all of you to enjoy!

It’s my first time writing in such a suggestive way so I’m all ears for feedback and *cough cough* future materials ^^

Let’s continue our delulu together!

Rafayel…what is this arising heat within me….

EMBRACE OF THE HIDDEN FLAME

A serene silence enveloped the bathroom the moment you reached out to pull Rafayel back, desperate for answers to the questions that had haunted you. Yet now, your worries have multiplied beyond just one.

At first, your vision began to falter, unable to look away from the water droplets that danced across his skin. Since the moment Rafayel fell into the tub, your eyes have been captivated by the way those droplets travel from his hair, tracing the sharp angles of his face, gathering in rivulets over the mesmerizing landscape of his chest, slipping through the narrow valleys between six well-defined ridges, before finally disappearing into the depths of an ocean you scarcely dared imagine. Oh, you—how could you betray yourself with such unguarded thoughts? If you’re not careful, where will your dignity find refuge amid these turbulent waves of desire? But if truth be told, you wouldn't mind casting dignity aside to keep gazing at that perfect expanse, though a person must have limits—and yours is not to indulge in such sights without permission.

As a girl of steadfast virtue, you finally mustered the courage, locking your gaze with Rafayel’s with a resolve you never knew you possessed. And with a voice free of pretense, you spoke your truth:

“Rafayel, may I… may I gaze upon you?”

Startled by your unexpected question, Rafayel first seemed surprised, then let out a soft chuckle. He leaned back against the edge of the tub, his eyes roaming over you, from your face down to your waist (for anything lower would be obscured by the water). His gaze flickered, occasionally glancing at the modest rise of your chest. If it weren't for their almost laughable size, you might have confidently displayed yourself for his admiration. But knowing your own worth, all you could do was feel the heat rise in your face and lower your gaze.

At that moment, Rafayel straightened from his recline and gently lifted your hands to caress them with a tenderness that sent shivers down your spine. His thumb traced slow, deliberate circles on your palm, a soothing motion that traveled from the space between your fingers down to your wrist, where it lingered, making small, tantalizing swirls. His touch…it was both a tickling sensation and something far more profound.

And now, it wasn't just your body—your ears too began to tingle as his lips brushed close, grazing your ear, warm breath stirring, carrying the thrill of his deep voice:

"Why do you hide your beauty cutie? Do you know what we Lemurian do when we fall in love?"

This man… how does he expect you to answer when he keeps breathing all over you like that, and those wandering hands of his are exploring every inch of you? Yet, as if spellbound by the sight of his irresistible form, your mouth moved faster than your thoughts, and a pleading voice, your own, slipped out—a voice that made you wish the ground would swallow you whole.

“How would I know…unless you tell me…ah!”

You’re entirely innocent of that “ah.” It wasn’t yours! It was Rafayel, who had drawn you close, kissing the nape of your neck. The embarrassment overwhelmed you, compelling you to bury your face against his shoulder. But it seemed that today, he intended to take charge.

Before you could fully hide your face, a strong arm encircled you, pulling you down into the tub. The sudden plunge left you with no choice but to cling to him, arms tightening around his neck, legs wrapping instinctively around his waist.

And oh, whether this action was wise or not, you still cannot decide, for immediately afterward, you felt the warmth and solidity of an unmistakable presence down below pressing against you, and Rafayel didn’t seem the least bit surprised or inclined to withdraw. It was as if he knew what it signified, and what would follow.

Before you could fully process the sensation, Rafayel pulled you even closer, his hands gripping your waist, pressing you tightly against him, making the position you were in with him all the more suggestive. You clung to him like a budding flower clings to a centuries-old tree, unaware of the world’s ways, helplessly entrusting yourself to his strength.

And today, Rafayel revealed to you a depth, a side of him that you had never seen before.

With you completely enveloped in his embrace, he pressed you against the edge of the tub, his body molding to yours from above, his face buried in the hollow of your neck. His hands moved from your waist to your bare back, stroking up and down with a tenderness that contrasted the intensity of the moment. His lips trailed along your neck, leaving a series of kisses that sent shivers down your spine, each one coaxing out soft, involuntary moaning sounds that only deepened your blush.

As he traced the curve of your neck with his warm, moist lip he left trails of heat with each kiss, his voice rumbling through you as he spoke between breaths:

”When Lemurian love, we use all our senses…to feel the one we cherish…so never hide your beauties from me my cutie…”

To prove his point, his kisses continued to rain down, traveling from my jaw to my forehead, down the way to my nose, and stop right before hovering over to my lips. His hands, meanwhile, wandered over my body, caressing each curve of mine, until they finally settled at the very place that had filled me with such mortification earlier. His hands and eyes radiated a searing heat that seemed to ignite a fire within me, a warmth that spread throughout my entire being. His gaze, though still fixed on my lips, was heavy with something unspoken.

His voice, now rough with emotion and the thick heat of the moment, asked:

”Then would you let me….use all my senses…to feel you?”

You didn’t fully grasp the depth of his words, but the heat coursing through me made it clear that I wanted something more intense and overwhelming, like a tidal wave crashing against the shore of your reasoning.

Each breath, each touch he offered sent you spiraling deeper, until you were barely conscious of anything other than the rising tide within you. All I could do at that moment was to whisper back,

”Please do…as you wish…”

[365partygirl305]

Chapter II: Who Was That Girl? Into Deep

Warnings: angst, mention of near death incident, mention of drugs, repetition of past trauma/near death incident, and nightmare

A/n: The following content may be unsuitable for younger readers. Reader’s discretion is strongly advised.

Matty’s pov

I could have sworn someone rescued me. That girl. Her beautiful voice. That familiar melody. Her touch was so soft.

My mates and I are on the couch again in the aftermath of my near death. I am so fucked for this.

“Mate, you could have died. We’ve been worried about you,” George begins. “And you’re telling us some saint saved you?”

“Yes,” I reply. “A girl saved me. I can’t describe how beautiful her voice is, her touch, that melody. I can’t get it out of my head even if I try.”

“Are you in your delulu era?”

“I’m not delusional!”

My frustration grows more like a balloon that is about to burst. I swear she’s real. I just need to find her.

“Are you seriously going to that beach again?” Adam asks We don’t want you to get hurt or killed.”

“I’m serious. I need to see her again.”

“Jesus Christ, mate. You do realize that you’re gonna repeat that again.” Ross noted, his tone annoyed at this point.

I’ve had enough. “So what if it repeats? Will it stop me from finding her? This is nothing like my heroin addiction! It’s a girl I keep seeing in my dreams for fuck’s sake! It’s been haunting me for days!”

The silence rings so loud in my ears. Everyone is stunned. Why did I bring up my heroin addiction and my cocaine addiction I had back then? Have I gone mad?

Ashamed of myself, I bolt out the door, ignoring the pleas and apologetic demands.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

The sand in my hand falls in a neat pile as if it is an hourglass. The shores of the sea is where I calm down. The melody in my head plays again. I feel like I’m haunted by some ghost or something. My mind is plagued of her. She’s everywhere I go. Her eyes, her soft skin, her voice echoing in my ear.

I walk to the water, trying to see if she’s there. The haunting sounds push me further. The water rises up to my chest at this point. If I go under again, will she be there? Will it all stop? Will I end the madness for good? Will the world be better off without me?

I take a deep breath and go under. Her voice still echoes, the melody staying in my mind. Curious, I swim farther and farther into the blue. Deeper and deeper I go, the water temperature starts dropping. It is so cold, yet peaceful, but I am running out of air. So I swim up to the surface.

I break the waves with a huge gasp. Breathe, I tell myself. Breathe. You have all the time in the world to search for her. She’s still out there. So, I take another chest full of air and dive again.

Adrenaline rushes through my body as I swim deeper to the bottom, seeing if there is any sign of her. Nothing. Only the haunting sounds of her voice in my head. Are my mates right? Am I delusional? No! I’m not giving up on this yet!

Deeper and deeper I swim, ignoring the fire in my body, my mind counting the seconds of breath holding while at the same time I feel the fire again. My lungs burn once more to the point of resurface.

I float to breathe a moment. Relax, I think. Relax. You’re okay. You’ll find her. I’m sure she’s out there somewhere. That saint who saved you from your doom. One deep breath more and I’m back searching.

The ambience of the ocean calms me down a bit despite the loud sound of her voice. My head feels dizzy, but my gut says I must continue my search. The longer I hold my breath, the longer I can last underwater. I continue to swim further, ignoring the familiar flame in my body and the burning of my lungs.

I find myself in a similar spot where my car was. Where she found me. The past replaced what was in my mind and it is the night I almost died. Fear of death and almost about to die, I swim up to the surface, my hand reaching out to the light. Everything turns black for a split second before a pair of hands hoist me up to the surface. Was that her?

I look under face down. It is her. She’s wearing a dress that shimmers in the sunlight beneath the waves. She must be the one. She must be. I am then betrayed by claws instead and was pulled under.

“What have we here?” A voice says in a menacing tone. My body is still shaking from the grip.

“A human I see. Looking for someone who saved you? She’s not here. She’s away. Sure, she can be the one who saved you-“ I am slammed to the bottom again. “But she’s not going back. Long gone. Give up. Accept your fate.”

I want to speak, but only bubbles fly out my mouth as I accidentally breathe the saltwater. I want to go home. My mates need me now. They’re not ready to lose me. I get myself free from the invisible grasp and swim higher. Once again, my body stop working. I smile. The world fades to black…

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

I gasp for air, not realizing I was dreaming again. The girl was there. But something is forcing her back. What was it?

I have no time for analyzing. I try to take deep breaths, just like how my therapist taught me. But the panic stays. The same dream has been haunting me for days. The water felt like it’s human. Being slammed into the bottom. I look at the time.

1:02.

“Fuck me,” I whisper to myself.

“What has gotten into you, mate?” George grumbles after I began the call. I had already drank 5 bottles of wine at this point.

“I see her in my dreams. The death of my girlfriend is so bad,” I’m rambling again about what’s going on in my mind right now. “That girl I saw. The one who saved me. I see her everywhere.”

“Hey, relax. I see you’re not delusional now.”

“I still miss Amia.”

“I miss her too. She was a good one.”

I start shaking again, tears streaming down my face. The pain of losing her in the car accident has been haunting me. So is the mystery girl.

“It’s gonna be alright,” George coos on the other end. “Y’know, we’re all here for you. I know you’re grieving harder than ever. We got you.”

“I’m sorry I blew up at you guys. I’ve been an absolute mess since the incident and Amia’s death.”

“It’s alright, mate. Do you want me to keep you company for the night?”

Through recovering sniffles, I say, “I would love that. I love you, man.”

“I love you too, mate.”

[ikonist]

this is abt hanbin and ikon so keep scrolling

so i was high a few days ago nd watched a video about hanbin and yun and realized that yun took such good care of hanbin. he always played the ‘hyung’ card on him, teasing him and saying that he loves hanbin all the time, said his ‘mission’ was to make hanbin happy. and that got me thinking that yun must’ve helped -both emotionally and physically- hanbin throughout the years… like,,, hanbin rarely acts childish around the members since he is the leader/songwriter/composer but he does it w yunhyeong bc yun doesn’t mind it.. yun always cooks for him knowing that he was up until late in the studio, avoids waking binie early (but does if he has to), and the other members said this a bunch of times but yun is a great listener so can you imagine the amount of times he listened to hanbin’s concerns and self doubts and never complained abt it cuz he’s yunhyeong lol but those thoughts made me so sad thinking how hard it must’ve been for hanbin these past 11 months without his brothers.

tbh i don’t care if hanbin decides to live his life quietly or just producing songs for himself/his friends. i don’t care if he comes out with a full comeback, mv, etc. i rlly don’t care. the only thing i genuinely care about is if he’s happy doing whatever he is doing, and he seems to be happy these past days, so that’s enough for now. i think i’m past that point of wondering what on earth he is doing, if he’s producing more songs, creating a label, etc, but if i could ask for just one little thing, it would be to show him how much his fans love him; to show him every tweet i see with “i miss hanbin”, “hanbin pics to brighten your day!” or “hanbin compilation” posts. to show him the heartbreaking and incredible edits and posts i’ve seen about him, and how much he is loved. i know that in demo 3 he said “i know i was loved”, but i want to tell him he is loved, still. ikon is loved. ikonics never gave up on them. god, not even one ONE!! hanbin fansite closed, and it has been almost a year. think of kpop idols who lost fansites for even less than that (not that i like fansites that much but the symbolism is there). i’m so grateful that he knows how much we think about him, but every time i feel like it’s not enough. i want him to know that we’ll always be here and he’ll always be in our hearts too. i wish hanbin could see himself thru my eyes and know how kind, talented, heartwarming he is.

sometimes i ask myself if i’m not being too ‘blinded by love’ when it comes to ikon (but especially about hanbin), but then again, what is it about ikon that makes me appreciate them so much? what makes me feel this empathy for them? what is it that when i think of them, i don’t see a boygroup. i see friends who are a ‘chosen family’, who know each other so well and would never give up on their brotherhood. never. how they are totally different people, but learned what being respected and appreciated feels like, and saw how much they could grow if they listened to one another. i’m not saying that they never fought (if anything i’d put my finger on donghyuk cuz hes a capricorn living with an aries ARIES and a capricorn sag dom.. i mean…. i’d throw hands if i were him), but they learned that hierarchy in the group wouldn’t lead them anywhere. in that iheart radio interview where the lady said ‘what is ur secret to have such great teamwork/chemistry’ and they said they don’t rlly have hierarchy and (to me) this is so important for a group like ikon. 

imagine if they never took anything chanwoo says seriously just because he’s the maknae even tho he is one of the most logical members? or what would happen if hanbin had to always act like the leader when he said yunhyeong would be best fitted for that? if bobby got mad at donghyuk for playing with him just because he’s younger and they never developed that friendship? at times like this i thank ikon for being such a down to earth group. they never took anything for granted. they were humble from the beginning and kept being humble, even when they received (a lot) of  awards. in the mma speech, hanbin said ikon was a group who tried to fill an ocean into a teacup, but that only made water spill everywhere, and i think that’s true. ikon was ambitious and had such a big desire to win that it led to so many heartbreaks and tough paths for them. 

i realized once i started (fully) stanning ikon that they make you feel this immensive empathy towards them to the point where i got choked up with tears learning about their hardships. i’m not trying to say that they’re the only group who went/goes thru this; in fact, i don’t believe anyone should be put to what they had to endure predebut until now. the countless times i cried watching videos of them sleeping on the floor on tour, watching interviews/vlives where they said they want to show us what they’ve been working on, watching concerts where they broke down in tears because ‘they just wanted to see us’. it breaks me because ikon are such good boys but they aren’t even allowed to show that.

in that concert where bobby said “please protect us” and hanbin said “please protect me”... that’s what i’m talking about. ikon was always true to us. the concert was in early 2019, so imagine what they’ve gone through in 2013-2015, when they were trainees. god i can’t even wrap my head around to think how much these boys (who at the time were 16-20) suffered in their early days. being called ‘b-list’ idols because they weren’t as good as the other yg groups. having to tour for a year doing two concerts a day sometimes, while preparing for comebacks/recordings. having to use oxygen masks to perform bc they were too tired. but they always put the biggest performances because they know that moment was once in a lifetime for us. 

when ikon won soty in 2019 it was clear to me how much they appreciate what we’ve done for them and how personal the fan/idol relationship is with them. i don’t mean it as in some delulu shit but... ikon knows that we trust them. they know we will always be loyal to them, and that’s why they treasure their fans the most. only ikon knows what they went thru since 2013, but some fans who have been with them ever since are proof that the bond has always been strong. for fuck’s sake even the fan chart for most of the songs “we will protect you ikon / we will care for you ikon / we will shine on you ikon / let’s be happy ikon”. i don’t wanna sound fake deep but ikonics reflect ikon in so many different ways. ikon is loyal, they are caring,  they never gave up on what they dreamed of, even if it seemed unreal. they know what’s like to see the ones you love fall and try to get them back up again. ikon lived so many failures and were SO critical about themselves for not debuting in 2013, trying to debut again in 2015 but not doing so well in charts, not being able to be free. they just wanted to sing. to be with each other. and yet they kept meeting obstacles along their way, but even so they never gave up. and i think that’s kinda what being an ikon fan is about too.

so, as for now, no one is sure about ikon’s path in the future but i can say that even though things might get tough a few months from now, ikon will always be that group for me.

IKON BEST BOYS