#I’m sure this post feels super weird btw I don’t think I can quite verbalise what is going on in my brain right now. It’s just a big mess.

[murphyslawyer]

Guess what time it is? My favourite time of the day, ‘tis ✨crisis time ✨

Honestly I’m really tired of my stupid fucking brain.

Both my therapist and my mum think I’m a “very rational person”, whatever that means. Earlier today, in fact, my mum told me she actually admires that in me because, unlike her, I am able to be “cold” when the situation demands it and to know who I should keep in my life and who I should keep away. I agree with them to some degree, but I don’t think that the line between rational and emotional is that clear.

For instance, the future I want for myself is so idealised it would make some of you want to barf. And that probably is a major source of anxiety because I know I’ll never have it. Yet I keep romanticising it, even though I know it’s all unrealistic bullshit. Which is exactly the opposite of what I would do if I was that rational.

And then anxiety hits because I cannot envision anything that falls between that idealised future or a future in which my neighbours call the cops because they haven’t seen me in a while. It’s either an unrealistically positive future or a miserable life that ends in tragedy. I live on those two extremes and I cannot just see what is in the middle, which is actually what’s most likely to happen. And I’m so tired of it because both extremes make me feel like shit.