#I’m sooooooooooo neurotypical

[sundewhasaudhd]

I’m so normal about my DSMP AU’s and OC’s. I totally don’t want to info dump to literally anyone in this fandom about them (unless c!Wilbur has been ruined for them, which is totally fair, he’s just a really big part of literally all of my DSMP AU’s). I totally don’t think about them like all day at school or before I fall asleep or anything. They totally don’t give me insane inspiration to or write. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

[mimimariet]

month 3

Not really documenting how my meds are affecting me or anything anymore. (Just did a 1 week review LOL) Cause I’m still in depressive slumps. Though now it’s like. I’ll be a manic piece of shit during work and I come home and I’m immediately depressed. This has been going on for the last 2 weeks, almost 3. I’m wondering if theres more to me than I think there is? I’m questioning my own brain now. I know my home is a toxic environment and work is just a good distraction but my god it’s soooooooooooooooo fucking annoying going back to how I was MONTHS PRIOR to this medication. I am fully aware I need a doctor in the psych field. To actually better treat my bipolar and shit. I always mention how the last time it went i was seeing a dude who would tell me I’d amount to nothing and live under the bridge I should walk over cause I was obese.

Y’know my meds now made me put on 10 pounds. My diet.. hasn’t changed. I had consistently stayed 166 for MONTHS and 2 months into this medication I’ve put on 10 pounds.

And I’m still emotionally fucking unstable and of course I’m terrified of losing the people I hold dear to me. Which. Isn’t a lot. But still. Cause it fucking happened before. “Oh I love you, your mental health won’t scare ME off!” And then you vanished, weird. I’m having deja vu.

The things I’ve noticed:

My mania is more apparent and holy shit am I annoying, my mom should’ve aborted me.

My energy is really weird.

I sleep heavily instead of lightly ? I guess. Cause it makes you sleep. So. Eh.

Optimistic at weird times.

I’ve become a little more socially inclusive whereas I was becoming extremely exclusive / isolated.

Things that seem to remain the same:

Crying every night over my own agony when I know it could be worse but my brain keeps telling me to just fucking die and reminds me of every bad interaction I’ve had with people and how my life is literally stagnant.

I am emotionally draining and I don’t know why people associate with me at all. I’m no one of high importance, I know my worth, but I’m reminded I should really fucking get a grip and stop believing that. I do know my qualities as a person: I’m fun, high energy and loving. I’m also bitter and really fucking cold when there’s been nothing on the receiving end. Which.. you know.. is when it’s time to cut out people. Really. I rather avoid any unnecessary drama. I know there’s no way to actually say “hey, I’m leaving. Don’t be mad, it’s just me. Not you. I’m still here though.” I have enough drama in this household. Life is just weird ? Like. My homes toxic. Not only mentally but jesus this house is DISGUSTING. Florida is SHITTY IN GENERAL. The people here.. god bless them.

I’ve been nothing but stressed. And terrified I’m gonna lose people from me just.. always being depressed. Reaching out all “hey i’m here if you need me” like that really doesn’t do anything for me and I’m sorry but it’s useless. I don’t really need a pep talk or a reminder either. I just need to get a grip. I just wanna be happy but I’ll never achieve that.

On top of that I worry about my love life. I know people love me and ooohh my amazing qualities ^_^ but I feel like.. I’ll never find someone who will just look at me and go “ABSOLUTELY. MINE. THE BEST. I LOVE U. WED ME.” and be comfortable with me and work with my fuckery (and my hideousness cause I’ll never be happy with whomst I see in the mirror..). I’m nooooooooot looking for anyone though. Also have trust issues. Thumbs up. (I fall in love pretty quickly, but I’ll neeever do dating sites or the such.)

GUESS I’VE NEVER REALLY LEARNED HOW TO COPE OR LET GO OF ANYTHING. I’ll hold a grudge and a heartbreak til I fucking DIE cause I’m just that unstable.

At the same time though, when people go on about never finding someone I’ll say “hey, you really don’t need anyone to live a fulfilling life. Love yaself” or some bullshit I spew. Like. I rather be alone. HOWEVER I CAN’T. CAUSE I NEED SOMEONE. I’m very.. ugh. I’m not clingy. I’m clingy but I’m not. I just want someone to claim and be claimed. I’m very devoted when I’m in love. Since for whatever reason people wanna say “clingy is toxic / abusive behavior” cool thanks I’m not abusive.. maybe a little toxic. I can’t be perfect all the time. I keep my fucking mouth shut don’t I? Not really.

I just wanna be coddled and properly loved. I’ve.. not really ever had that. Everything was restricted. I hate being touched but god damn it I wanna be held lmao. I wanna be comfortable.

With myself and with someone.

My faith is so extremely low and the other bit of all this is my focus on my art and my comics and blah blah It’s taking me So Long to DO ANYTHING. I’d step down to part time at my job but I’d lose my AMAZING BENEFITS. (my 5% discount at doctors offices cause I’ve limited travel! Lol! It cost me nearly $300 just to talk to someone about the meds I’m on and am almost out of! I still owe $100!!!! I tossed the bill out!!!!!!!!!!!) I need the full time hours especially if I want to move out of here. I’m stuck. I’M STUCK. I’m fucking STUCK. I don’t DRIVE YET. Lifes expensive and bitch I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

Things I’m fully aware of: I’m worth something, I have value and importance, I need to find actual help, I need to take the steps necessary for some healing process, I need to be on more than just 1 thing to keep my stable, I need to find balance and a system I can work with, I need to eat better and sleep better (Even tho my energy is very lunar fueled.) I can’t stress about the unknown, I need to do the scary things.

I don’t have an issue with opening up and vulnerability, I just get really embarrassed that I’m like this and I fucking breakdown crying when I do. Like. I can go on about everything in the book. Actually using my vocal cords for such a thing.. not entirely impossible.. Just extremely difficult.

Why even make things public? Hm? What’s the good in that? You’re just bitching for attention on the internet. No one needs to know about this! My aunt inquiring why, when I am 24 years old and am allowed to do as I fucking please.

Mental health is such a.. gently brushed on topic by a lot people and very focused on by a select few others. Acknowledgement is very important in this day and age.  As a reminder to others looking, you’re not alone. Be it bipolar or bpd or PTSD etc etc.. When I was 13-17, no one was saying shit other than my doctor talking shit about me being useless. So y’know, 24 years old, still very much so struggling but still surviving. It hurts. It sucks. Eventually it’ll get better. I know on the internet it looks like everyones queer and sad which probably so, but it’s a little comforting to know that you’re not the only sad bitch. Cause you go about your business in a world where people just emit neurotypical behaviors and don’t understand, look at you like you’re a crackhead cause you’re manic af. Hello. Hi. It’s me you’re talking about.

Anyway, I’m not happy and I want to be happy. Being some nightly ritual of crying alone in your bed.. Is sooooooooooo exhausting..