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justasparkwritings · 4 years ago

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Peace: Would It Be Enough?

Previous: In Secret

Pairing: Jungkook X Reader

Genre: Smut/ Angst / Slice of Life

Rating: NC17

Word Count: 3.2k

Warnings: Swearing, P-V Sex, Consensual Sex, Making Love, Forgiveness, Redemption, Vaginal Fingering

Summary: The morning after.

Listening: peace by Taylor Swift

Peace Master List

There’s a moment when you first wake up when the weight of the world, the weight of the day, doesn’t overwhelm you. Your to-do list waits, your mind is slowly waking itself and remembering whatever nightmare you’ve left for yourself to deal with. But you know it’s coming. As you woke up that morning, that sinking feeling engulfed you before you opened your eyes. Jack Antonoff was right, but your dread wasn’t waiting by your bed, it was thriving within you.

Rolling over, you checked the clock. 10AM on a Saturday is a fine time to wake up, but as you do, the flood of thoughts crashed over you. The dryness of your skin from the salty tears made you wince, and as you padded to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of coffee, you’re confronted with three realities, and leaning against your kitchen counter, you recount them to yourself.

· First, you told him you couldn’t look at him anymore.

· Second, he was verbally harassed last night, and you did nothing

· Third, you’re not enough

· You’re not enough to handle this

· You’re not enough to be by his side

· You’re just…

The third sent you reeling, but the second kept nagging at you like a mosquito bite in the middle of your back. It’s persistent itch slowly driving you mad.

You walked yourself through the events of the night, through Jungkook’s response, through your own. You yelled, you fucking hated yelling, it had no place in your relationship… The guys had been there, they’d tried to ration… Jungkook tried to… But he didn’t… You didn’t … It’s all coming back, the bits and pieces of the hurt you hurled at him, your Jungkook, your love, the man you’d give every wild you had to… the father of your child… And here you were, sipping coffee, trying to organize your thoughts into something cohesive to make up or make sense of the hurt you hurled at him.

You took to your phone to open Spotify and saw his plentiful texts, sent throughout the night… single lines of longing trying to reach you.

Jagi, I’m just checking in. I love you.

Baby, I hope you get some sleep. I love you.

I love you.

Our love isn’t for show… please

Love you, so much

You stared, your thoughts being overwhelmed by the profound sadness you felt towards him, because of him. With tears in your eyes, you moved to your bathroom, hot water scalding your skin as it came cascading down around you.

Jungkook awoke, but if he was honest, he didn’t really sleep. Wedged between a wall and Ho-Seok, having not planned to stay with the members at all, he found himself uncomfortable, his mind stuck on the image of you, telling him you couldn’t look at him. You, walking away from him, telling him not to follow you or talk to you. You… The texts he sent left unanswered. His pleas to you to talk to him, to say anything, to say that you loved him too… unreciprocated.

He carefully climbed out of bed around 9AM, tiptoeing into the gym, trying to work out his frustration on the treadmill.

One mile.

Two miles.

Three miles.

As he ran, he replayed the events in his head. He went to the bathroom, leaving you with a guard nearby and taking one with him. He came back and saw that man circling you, a vulture preying on a seemingly isolated fledgling. Jungkook approached, he watched the man attack, trying to get anything from you, and you, stunning in your skintight black jeans, moto jacket draping over your shoulders, studded booties protecting your feet… Jungkook tried to protect you. You, the object of his desires, you, your dazzling smile and friendly demeanor, a mere kill to that man. But the man wasn’t after you, he was after Jungkook. If one prey was left alone, the herd was nearby, and Jungkook was proof of that.His eyes became bugged as he watched Jungkook step in front of you, Jungkook, nearly six feet and pure muscle, shirt unbuttoned dangerously low, chest seemingly smooth. Jungkook, tattooed covered hand, rings absently adorning digits, undercut fresh, hair slightly pulled back, glowering over him.

Jungkook was the vulture, and weak prey does what it can to escape the predator, it distracts and deflects.

Jungkook wanted to be the threat, he wanted to use his height and physique as a way to protect you from that man. But what you hadn’t accounted for was the man’s mouth, his beliefs, his disgust that you would be dating someone so, Asian. It didn’t matter if Jungkook could beat the shit out of him, it didn’t matter that he could grind seeds in his palms or use his falsetto after dancing nonstop for three minutes. It didn’t matter, because in that moment, when the man realized that you belonged to Jungkook, his xenophobia and ignorance raged more powerfully than Jungkook’s fists ever could. Jungkook knew it, as the man’s eyes drifted between you… He knew it would come to blows.

Stepping off the treadmill, sweat soaking his clothing, he picked up his phone. No calls. No texts. No Instagram updates. No tweets. You’d gone to ground, and he was desperate to hear from you. He dialed, knowing full well you wouldn’t answer. You never spoke before you were ready, you never made a decision that wasn’t thought out… He knew you well enough to know you’d be processing, but he needed you to know he was still there, he was still so close… A call, a text, and he’d be at your door.

You sat still as your phone rang, his name and ID flashing… A photo Taehyung had taken on your last trip to Korea... A rainy day spent in sweats and watching your favorite movies, trying to show them films that were important to you. Subtitles on, and when the situation called for it, Namjoon translating. Jungkook had fallen asleep, his head resting on a pillow in your lap, fingers intertwined with yours. You sat slowly raking your fingers through his hair, smiling as you watched the film. The moment was too cute to pass up, and Taehyung snapped the pic. You watched it fade to black, and he listened as it rang and rang.

“Noona, please, please talk to me. I love you; I love you so much and I, just please call me.”

He picked up the weights, heavier than he needed, hand still hurting from the punch, and became determined to burn himself out before he could dare to think about your accusations.

You’ve sat with him in the trenches, been there for his biggest hits and greatest wins. But you weren’t convinced he’d stand by your side. You didn’t believe he’d die for you, you didn’t believe that he’d take a bullet for you, to protect your honor, to defend his own he’d… He’d die for you, on the front page, on national television. He’d give you anything you wanted, everything you wanted, but would it be enough?

Dropping the weights, mind spent, Jungkook ambled throughout the Airbnb, showering, forcing himself to eat, his bandmates asking if he was okay.

“I still haven’t heard from her,” He whispered.

“She’s safe, she’s at home,” Namjoon said, watching his maknae with sympathetic eyes.

“I know,” He responded, eyes trained on the counter. He felt uncomfortable standing with his brothers in the spot where she had walked out on him, where she’d lay bare her fears and insecurities. It felt wrong, like the place should be torn down, burned, never to be built upon again. Anything to erase the memory.

“She hasn’t said anything to us either,” Taehyung added, wrapping an arm around Jungkook.

“Is that supposed to make him feel better?” Yoongi asked, making his way through the kitchen to grab an apple.

“She isn’t just icing him out,” Taehyung clarified.

“What are you going to say to her?” Yoongi questioned.

“I don’t really want to talk about this,” Jungkook said, eyes finally moving to look at his bandmates. “I just, I just want to talk to her.” He stood, tears starting to form again and moved towards the backyard. As he pressed into the grass, his phone buzzed.

Come over please

Jungkook bounded from the car to your front door, knocking frantically, enthusiastically, begging for entrance into your home. You approached slowly, a deep breath being drawn as you unlocked the door and stepped back, letting Jungkook slowly step over the threshold.

“Baby, I-” He was cut off by your lips, hands reaching to pull him too you, your lips meeting in the middle. Instinctively he wrapped his arms around your waist, pulling you close. His wet hair brushed your cheeks as you moved your arms to wrap around his neck, fingers instinctively playing with the hair at the nape. He growled lightly, bottom lip between his teeth, and started to move you, slowly, through the living room and down the hallway of your bungalow to your bedroom. Your hands moved down his clothed shoulders before slowly reaching up underneath his sweatshirt to rest on his bare chest, and as you pulled away for air, he deftly slid it over his head and tossed into a pile.

“I want you,” You whispered, his hands gripping your hips, foreheads pressed together, eyes closed. You slowly opened your eyes, looking through your lashes at him.

“I need you,” He whispered, the intensity in your gaze doubling as he stared. “Always, you.”

You brought him onto the bed swiftly, lips connecting as he nestled himself between your thighs.

“I love you,” You said as his hands began to tug at your shirt, carefully guiding it off your frame. “So much.”

“I love you,” Jungkook said, his gaze staying with yours as he slipped his hand down the front of your leggings, splitting your lips open and taking a tentative stroke.

“Take them off,” You said, arm covering your eyes, giving into the feeling of him, Jungkook, Golden Maknae, lover.

He did as instructed, slowly spreading your legs, revealing yourself to him, your arousal clear and glistening, beckoning him to it. He wasted no time, no build up, no longing strokes or languid caresses. He wanted you, and he wanted you now.

Wrapping his lips around your sensitive bud, he began to suck, alternating slow gentle pulls with sharper, harsher puckers. He held your thighs down, strong hands splaying across the fat of your thighs, his favorite thighs, keeping you firmly pressed into the mattress.

Having sex with Jungkook was either one of three things:

1. Slow and passionate

2. Rough and overwhelming

3. Gentle and giving

It had taken you two a while to find your stride, sexually. One of you was experienced, the other lacking, and finding a common ground was challenging, except for the fact that you both so desperately wanted one another. You’d waited a decent amount of time, in your opinion, before having sex. You’d been burned before, and sex was something you wanted to share with someone you cared about, who was invested in whatever you were building together. Jungkook had understood and felt similarly. Your aligning star signs, and a particularly tight pair of jeans and a too low-cut top had pushed things over the edge, and you’d consummated your relationship in your house, first in the bedroom, then in the kitchen, and finally, the floor in front of the fireplace.

Jungkook continued to attend to your clit, and when he felt you getting close, slipped two fingers inside, coaxing your walls to embrace him. The stretch, unwelcome at first, was exactly what you needed. Your orgasm crashed down, overwhelming you as a new batch of tears started to fall. You tried to maintain composure, the pleasure outweighing the guilt and pain. If not for yourself, for Jungkook. He noticed your change in demeanor, and slowly kissed up your body, straddling your waist and moving your hands from your eyes.

“Hey, noona,” He whispered, lowering his lips to kiss your tears. You turned your head, catching his lips as your hand slipped between you, palming his member through his sweats. He moaned greedily, hips involuntarily rutting at your touch.

“Jungkook,” You whispered against his lips. He slid off of you and stood, tossing his sweats and briefs into the same pile of clothes he’d tossed his sweatshirt.

“How do you-

“Just, like this,” You said, propped up on your elbows, staring at his naked form. You wanted to feel close, a part of him, like you’d felt the last time you’d made love. Yes, made love was the term Jungkook preferred. Sex could be, impersonal, emotionless, but making love… a phrase perfectly depicting what it was: love shared. You could tell from the glint in his eyes, the tears still spilling from your eyes, that the love making would be gentle and passionate, your favorite kind.

Jungkook nodded, moving back between your open and willing legs, hand stroking himself once, twice, before he angled his hips and gently pressed into you. Moans swirled as the sound of his flesh against yours echoed off the walls, your tears mixing with sweat as he slowly thrust in and out of you. Your eyes locked on his as he slid a hand between you, teasing you towards your second orgasm as he edged closer and closer to his first.

You wished it could be like this forever. The passion and heat between you hadn’t lessened in the years you’d been together, distance hadn’t made your wanting disappear, it only intensified. As you came down from your respective highs, Jungkook nipped at the skin on your shoulder, leaving a small love bite.

“I love you,” you whispered, eyes closed tight, unwilling to look at him.

“I know, noona, I know,” He whispered, eyes trained on your face. “Look at me,” His voice was gentle, an ask, not a demand.

You opened your eyes, tears slipping down your temples, soaking your hair and absorbing into the pillows. Silently, Jungkook pressed his lips to yours before rising. He disappeared into the kitchen, washing his hands before bringing you a glass of water, waiting patiently for you to return from the bathroom before handing it to you. Sipping silently, you pulled him into the bathroom and into the shower.

You’d both showered independently that morning, washing away your transgressions and anxieties from the night before. In the afternoon sunlight, the water brought you two together. As you washed each other, silence sitting in the atmosphere like low clouds, ridding themselves of the last few drops from the storm that had just raged.

Slipping into clean clothes, pulling him to you again, you tumbled into your bed, limbs intertwined as your head rested on his chest, rising slowly with his breathing. The exhaustion from the fight, the anger, the fear, coupled with the exhaustion of making love, and the comfort of a lovers embrace lulled you both to sleep, only awakening when Jungkook’s phone rang.

Groggily he answered, speaking swiftly in Korean.

“The guys want to know if we want to go to dinner with them,” He said, glancing down at your still form.

“Can we just stay in?” You asked, sleep still heavy in your body.

“Of course we can,” He said standing. He stepped into the hallway; his voice still hushed as he spoke to whomever called him. You tried to open your eyes, to will the drowsiness away, and slowly it did. You opened your eyes to a setting sun, and Jungkook leaning against the doorframe, sweats low on his hips, back bare.

Somewhere in his conversation he became animated, and you knew he could paint dreamscapes if he wanted.

“Jungkook?” You said, pulling his attention from his phone call. He looked at you and smiled softly before saying his goodbyes.

“Yes love?”

“I, I’m sorry,” You said, fidgeting with the skin on your thumb.

“I’m sorry too,” He offered, sitting on the bed, staring at you.

“I’m so sorry for everything, for yelling at you, for being so harsh and cold, and, and”

His tattooed hand reached out to grab yours, a willing peace offering.

“I’m sorry I minimized your pain,” You looked at him. “I, I ignored it. I latched onto the one thing I could control, and that was what the world could see of me. I couldn’t register your hurt because I don’t know how to fix it or make it better or make people less hateful... so I got angry because our privacy is something I can navigate. I can manage if someone sees us together, or Instagram posts or twitter comments. That I can do, but last night,” You shook your head, trying to block the memories from invading. “I shut out your feelings, Jungkook, I didn’t acknowledge what you were going through, and I’m so so sorry,” Your voice cracked as you uttered your apology. Jungkook was quick to move to you, pulling you against him, your fresh tears falling on his bare chest.

“I don’t know what it’s like to experience that level of racism and hatred. I know microaggressions, I’ve fielded a million. I know in America we put Asian Americans in internment camps, we passed laws that literally wouldn’t allow them to become citizens, or enter our country, we blamed them for COVID and our stock market tanking... We fetishize and demean and make light of thousands of years of abuse. I’ve experienced my own racism, and colorism, but I’ve never ... I hate that you were hurt. I hate that someone could spew that vile, repugnant bull shit at you. I hate that I couldn’t do anything to protect you. I hate that I was so insensitive. I love you, Jungkook. I’ll give you a son, I’ll give you my best, I’ll die for you in secret, in public, I don’t care… But Jungkook, I don’t know if it will be enough?”

Your eyebrows knitted together as you stared at him. Him, the Golden Maknae, the love of your life, the man of your dreams.

“I love you,” Jungkook said, holding your gaze. “I love you. I want you… So, what if you can’t bring me peace? What does that even mean? Of course, you are enough because I say you are, because you say you are. You are enough and so much more,” Jungkook broke as your joined vulnerability tore down any remaining emotional walls or self-preservation you’d put up.

You’d had a fight, a really-bad-could-end-everything fight. Neither of you were sure what would happen, what Bang and Big Hit would want from you, whether or not swinging for the fences was going to result in a low batting average or the record for homers in a relationships timeline. Neither of you cared. The ever-present question of whether either of you was enough for the other would eat away at you, dissipating only when lips touched, I love you’s exchanged, promises of forever etched on your hearts. You could be enough for one another… until he breaks into a million pieces and the shattered edges glisten with blood… then what?

Next: Clowns to the West

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shanced-wedding-blog · 6 years ago

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Special Update

Hello everyone, this is Mod Sky

Just wanted to address some issues and concerns that have arisen in regards to the zine as of late and to finally clarify what has been going on regarding production of the zine.

First I would like to address a recent comment we received on one of the last updates. While I understand that it has been quite a while since the zine opened pre orders and some of you are reasonably becoming frustrated with the waiting time, cussing us out and using vulgar language to address your issues with us is in no way an acceptable form of proceeding.

That said, I would like to apologize for making you feel like we’re not prioritizing the zine buyers here.

Now, the rest of the mods and myself weren’t planning on making this public at least until the zines had been out to the buyers, but we’ve talked and come to realize that it is probably for the best that everyone knows what’s been going on behind the scenes of this project.

As most of you know, when we started this project there was a call from the head organizer for mods. I don’t know about the other mods, but I personally talked to the head organizer a few times inquiring about the zine, what their ideas for the project were and of their experience with running a zine. They assured me they knew what they were doing and already had a plan laid out for how to get the project done. They told me they had experience modding other zines and I decided to trust them. I applied to help mod the zine because I wanted Shance fandom to have a beautiful zine we all could be proud of, because most of the Shance projects I had been involved in in the past had fallen through the cracks due to mod irresponsibility. I wanted to help bring this project to life and do everything I could to make it succeed. It’s what I’ve been doing from the start.

Well, the mod team was chosen and from the start we were pretty much given a role in the team. My role, when the time came, was to be in charge of finances of the zine, whatever that entailed. The head organizer gave all of us certain responsibilities and we all met in discord to discuss the project.

Now. Im not going to make any excuses for myself as I should have known better, but almost from the moment we started talking about actual specs of the zine and what extra things we wanted to offer, it should've been clear to me that the head organizer wanted to do too much.

They wanted to have 60+ contributors, they wanted to have music done for the zine, they wanted a lot of extra merch to go with bundles etc. At the time this was going on I was in the middle of producing my own personal zine, so I'm ashamed to say I wasn't paying a lot of attention to the planning of this zine, and not gonna lie, this is one of the things that’s ended up coming to bite me and the rest of the mod team in the ass.

Well, in the end head mod came with a plan, they apparently already had suppliers in mind and had been doing research on where to have things made and how much it would cost. We went along with it and contributor applications opened. The process seemed to be going smooth, we selected contributors and at the time I didn't realize just how big of an undertaking it would be to have so many contributors, I had my concerns with certain aspects of the zine but I felt like it wasn’t my place to say anything because it wasn’t my project and my role in the zine was to oversee the money once pre orders opened.

Creation time went by and everyone was involved, contributors did an amazing job coming up with stories and art that basically molded the zine into a cohesive book. As we got closer to opening pre orders and putting together the zine for printing, that's when problems started to show, beginning with the fact that the head organizer became scarcer and scarcer and the rest of the mod team were left grasping at straws trying to answer questions the contributors had that only the head mod could give an answer to. The excuse was that they were having computer problems so they couldn’t check in on things as much. This was the first red flag and we should’ve paid more attention, but we didn’t. We continued to move on and soon it was time for preorders to open.

Yaxi, the head organizer, opened pre orders prior to us having the zine even 1% put together. They made up some stretch goals trying to fit in as much as the extra merch they had people design for the zine as possible and added the contributor merch as an extra that zine contributors could choose to buy. The contributor charm was not going to be made from money from the zine sales. It was simply an extra design up to the contributors to make happen if they wanted it.

After the pre order period ended and having reached 100 sales, it was time to come up with a budget and proceed with production. Well… this was when pretty much everything went downhill. Yaxi came into the mod chat one day and pretty much dumped the production on me. They sent me some numbers and a list of providers they had come up with and said that they needed me to place the orders for the merch, of which there were no files ready. We had raw files for products but nothing has been checked to make sure the specs for printing were correct. As I was coming up with a production cost table I realized that there were many things Yaxi hadn’t taking into consideration when they first made their plan for the zine. They never took into consideration shipping prices, packaging costs, contributor copies shipping fees, and to make matters worse, they didn't take into consideration the amount of money it would take for certain items to be shipped from their production place to two separate destinations, because somewhere along the way Yaxi had decided that in order to offer cheaper international shipping, we would have all the international orders sent to Mod Robin in Europe so they could then redistribute because that would make shipping internationally cheaper.

I mean, i guess in theory that sounded like solid logic, but in practice.. I suppose they never stopped to think that there would still be an added cost of sending all those packages from the US to Europe, so there’s that.

Anyway I did my best to look for new manufactures because the ones Yaxi had on their list could not deliver what we needed, not to mention the fact that the specs Yaxi had given artists of the zine for their pieces were not a standard printing zine. So not only did we have to look for new printing companies, but we had to ask all our artist to adjust their pieces to fit the new dimensions of the zine. Added to that, at this point in time, communication with Yaxi had pretty much become impossible as they were never on the discord server and the only communication we had with them was via text messages from me to them since I had gotten her phone number at some point to meet up so I could deliver to them the special print I had made out of my own money for the zine. We ended up never meeting up.

So with all that going on, we still had not made much progress putting the zine together until Seki (one of our contributors) offered to help with it. We brough Seki along into the team and they worked several days on getting the zine print ready, and also making a digital zine that could be delivered the way Yaxi had originally wanted it to, that is with the music that was created for the zine incorporated into it.

While this was happening, the rest of the mod team and myself got together in a separate group chat to talk about what was to be done about Yaxi, their lack of participation, and the fact that they were the only ones that had access to the money for the zine and to the store front. We decided to ask Yaxi to hand over the money so we could move on with production and just go from there. Thankfully Yaxi was quick to give us access to the funds, they transferred most of the money to me, (we have yet to receive about 200.00USD), and basically the rest most of you already know. We’ve been slowly working on getting all the merch produced and ready to send to everyone, but there have been a few hiccups on the way.

We’re still not sure that we’re not going to have to put even more of our own money into the zine as we’re still pretty much figuring out what we’re going to do about shipping since not only are we sending contributor copies free of charge, but also sending all international orders to Europe first to be distributed from there.

It has never been our intention to keep any of you in the dark about any of this, but we wanted to first get the project completed before making any of this public. None of us in the mod team wanted for you to have to wait so long, unfortunately none of us were any wiser in realizing just how unprepared and irresponsible the main organizer really was. We are to blame for not seeing the red flags sooner and dealing with the issues before they became a problem. I especially would like to apologize because I should’ve known better. But what’s done is done and the only thing I can say besides how sorry I am that you, our buyers and supporters, have had to wait so long for this zine, is that myself and the rest of the mod team are doing everything we can to get this zine to your hands without any further mishaps.

I understand if you're frustrated with us, I understand because I’ve been frustrated and stressed over this whole thing for months as well.

None of us are getting paid for this, none of us are receiving any compensation out of trying to run and complete this project. In fact, we’re still most likely gonna have to put money down out of our own pockets due to the irresponsibility of the person who was supposed to be in charge of this project. But we love this project, we love our contributors and what everyone has managed to accomplish, and you can be certain that we are 100% committed to seeing this project to a successful end.

Once again, I am sorry for not seeing the problems sooner and for not stepping forward before to let all of you know what was happening. I hope this clarifies what’s been going on for you and I hope that you can give us the chance to set things straight and deliver the project to you.

If you have any more questions, or need more clarification regarding the zine, my DMs on twitter are always open (@enderkichi) so feel free to reach out to me.

Production of the zine is still ongoing but we’re almost at completion. We should be releasing a change of address form pretty soon for those who need to change their shipping address. Refunds are also an option if you no longer want to support the project, but we ask that you please let us know if you want to be refunded via email to the zine account: shancedwedding@gmail.com and provide us with your name, email, and order # so we can process your refund.

Thank you again for the endless patience you’ve had with us so far and for being understanding of our circumstances. We will keep you all updated as we finalize production and get ready to start packing and shipping orders.

Mod Sky

#update #PSA #shance wedding zine #vld zine

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vborowskyarts245-01 · 3 years ago

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Week 8

Reading about the evolution go typographic technology was definitely interesting. I felt like it was a written version of how it’s made, which was cool. Especially the hand and machine composition was pretty interesting to learn about, mostly because I never considered reading about that before. As the chapter went into the digital aspects, I got more interested because it’s always fun to learn about the origin of what you use to create design. Screen-based, generative, and hybrid typography was probably my favorite to read about this week. Going more in depth on generative design was great because I prefer illustrator above everything, and kind of seeing the star of numeric values was neat. The chapter definitely caters to a niche audience for sure, but a little history lesson never hurts!

This week has been crazy to say the least. Both with midterms and these mock ups. I’m still working out the kinks in my idea for my spreads, these are just a few options I’ve been playing around with. As you can see they are very rough. I’m starting to gather a more cohesive idea that I can implement better which will make a little bit of sense. I’m leaning more towards late 60s early 70s aesthetic; almost a take off of the record covers from that time. I still want to tie in the Alice in wonderland theme, but I think I want to keep that as small design details you can see like in the 1998. I’ve also been struggling with making it all readable which made me take a few steps back on some page concepts. Overall, I’m slowly getting there and can see the great piece come out of this. It will. definitely be over the top and I’m very excited about that!

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eamon-saunders · 7 years ago

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ASK ME ANYTHING PART 3 - Final

This will basically be my only text post, it’s going to be the questions I asked my creative, my thoughts on them and his response to them.

What was your first made piece and what are your thoughts on it now?

Justin’s Response: It looks like what it is - something made by someone just starting out!

It definitely does! I wish people had more of this feeling for their first work, it doesn’t look like the most cohesive and understandble piece, but you can tell it’s art and it’s had work put into it, and isn’t that all that matters (maybe not but I hope it is).

This was one of my first chosen questions, I asked for this one as I know my first piece wasn’t that great, and probably no one’s is, but it makes an artist less intimidating when you see where they started off, just like you.

How is it being a freelance designer and creative director, what's your favourite parts/least favourite?

Justin’s Response: I'm actually now the CCO of deviantART, but have been freelancing for ten years. I loved the ability to build and shape my own career and manage my own time. The perpetual tlack of security was difficult to deal with.

I wasn’t actually aware that Justin had taken yet another very large step in his career and became the creative chief officer of DeviantART. I’ve been writing reports and trying to replicate his work since I first started desiging, so I’m surprised I missed this step, however I’m excited to see what this job oppurtunity will do for Justin’s work. The first time I ever really fully considered freelance design to be a real job was when I had done some real research on Justin Maller and how he grew his own brand. He started in Melbourne as well, working part time in a small convenience store, slowly growing his client base, he realised he didn’t have to struggle at his part time job to live, he could do what he wanted. After this he quit his part time job and put all his effort into his freelance work. Today he is well known for both is commercial and personal work, I hope after University I will be remotely like his story.

I chose this question as I wanted to know a little more about his thoughts on working as a creative, and I wanted to give a little insight into what Justin did as a living.

How often do you stuggle with self confidence issues in your work, how do you combat this?

Justin’s Response: I don't, honestly. Sorry I can't offer you more here.

I was so surprised to hear this. After talking to many of the creatives in my class, and even some of the teachers admitting that they have doubts about their work and have periods where they dislike what they’re desiging, I thought it was just common practise for designers to hate their own work and think negatively about them. It’s refreshing to here however that some people can be that confident in their work, it’s a lesson most should learn from Justin.

What's your favourite and least favourite software and why?

Justin’s Response: I love Photoshop and Cinema4D. They're my tools, I've learned to know and love them. I don't like Excel.

I can get the excel hate, I never got the love anyway. This is pretty non-surprising, as said in my earlier question, I’ve been following Jusin for about 5 or 6 years now, all of which his pieces have had 3D elements and defintely been retouched/edited in Photoshop.

I asked this question because I was curious as to whitch adobe programs Justin used, and what his favourite 3D tool was, learning about excel was just a bonus.

Do you do much original idea sketching, how important is it to you in your creative process?

Justin’s Response: I do not sketch and never have.

This was also super surprising. I get Justin’s work is pretty hard to sketch, but I’ve rarely come across a desinger/creative that has NEVER sketched their ideas. If only he told me this a couple years ago I might not have spent so much time trying to improve my illustrations.

What is your skill level now in the adobe programs compared to when you first seriously started working within the industry?

Justin’s Response: I'm better at Photoshop now in that I can do more, but I was already quite good when I began. I don't use other Adobe software much. I've improved significantly in 3D since I began in the industry.

Eventually there is a cutoff point to the ‘skill’ you gain through adobe and other design programs, however you have to learn what else you can ‘do’ in the programs, which is what I assume Justin is talking about here. Whether that be from learning the tools more or learning new tools.

Where do you do most of your client work?

Justin’s Response: In my home studio.

Not much to say here, I was hoping to get a photo of his workspace but he didn’t seem too keen to supply it, which isn’t a problem, but some of the questions weren’t really able to be put into the booklet if he didn’t provide it.

What is your setup like? (PC, tablets, books, stationary etc.)?

Justin’s Response: It's just an iMac with an extra monitor hooked up to it. Nothing fancy.

Again was hoping for a picture, but I ended up using a picture he put on his twitter of his new DeviantART office setup which pretty much fit the bill of the question.

I asked this question as I wanted a stretched image across my booklet, or across a couple of the squares anyway, I didn’t get that image but I was able to make it work anyway.

How would you say Depthcore has inspired or affected your work?

Justin’s Response: Hugely. I built Depthcore at the beginning of my journey as an artist, it's profoundly shaped my thinking and aesthetic.

I was really excited to ask this question, I wasn’t super sure what kind of interaction Justin Maller still had with Depthcore, as I remember reading about the art collective he built years ago but hadn’t heard anything new from him since, and expected him to have moved on, but it’s good to hear that it has very much been a large part of his journey towards becoming a creative. I hope that in similar fashion, the time I spend with my cohort in my higher education days will shape and mold how and why I design what I design.

This was a must ask question in my opinion, due to Justin’s huge influece towards Depthcore, I think it’s necessary to include so that people know what he is included in.

Is there any major artist you'd like to collaborate with and why?

Justin’s Response: Many! Beeple, KAWS, Gmunk. I just like the way their minds work. I think melding our styles would result in an interesting output.

I had never heard of any of these creatives but they all fit Justin’s style and would definitely result in an interesting piece. I’ve always loved the colours of Justin’s work, I’d describe them always as ‘eye-candy’, so I think combined with these artists it could really embrace their style.

What do you think all future designers should learn?

Justin’s Response: If they want to be freelance - how to manage and run a business from the ground up.

This is important advice, and that’s what I had hoped to get from this question. I think no matter what any graphic design or creative will do some kind freelance in their life, whether it be for a friend or for a professional client, however if you really want to BE a freelancer, you definitely need to learn to run a bussiness as that is what mainly being a freelance artist is.

What did you think your career would be before Digital Art?

Justin’s Response: I didn't have much of a plan to be honest. Figured I'd probably write or act as that's what I'd been doing the most of my life previously.

Don’t all of us. I can relate very much to this as before beginning my higher education I wasn’t sure of my plan at all, if it wasn’t design, it probably would have been writing, but I don’t think I have the same passion for writing as I do for my style of design, regardless of the quality of it, I don’t think I’d’ have as satisfying of a career or life if I didn’t follow some sort of creative outlet path.

This is the end of all my questions, I’m really happy I was able to snag Justin Maller, he’s always been a huge inspiration and I’ve loved his work for years, I’m only dissapointed I couldn’t make a booklet a little more centred around him and his life and a little more in depth. Oh well maybe next report!

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onestowatch · 5 years ago

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From Linkin Park to ‘the beautiful struggle,’ Welcome to the Life of Naaz [Q&A]

If you haven't met the bubbly inspiration Naaz just yet, boy do we have a surprise for you. The musical ball of light released her EP the beautiful struggle earlier this fall, and we haven't been able to stop listening to it since. Pairing enlightening songs with mind-bending visuals, the Netherlands-based singer burst onto the pop scene with an unmatched zesty ardor that is inspiring listeners and her fans alike in more ways than one.

Ones to Watch was graced with the opportunity to speak with her about the beautiful struggle, her upcoming tour with Melanie Martinez, her ideal Halloween costume, and so much more. Hello world, meet Naaz.

OTW: When I first listened to your music I was taken off guard. Every song I played brought forth this very specific feeling, like an inexplicable desire to jump out of my chest. It was like your music was screaming out to me, "Be heard! Make sure they hear you and know who you are!" Your music truly holds this sense of awakening, and I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling that way. So I wanted to start off by asking you about your journey into awakening your own voice. How did Naaz begin?

Naaz: Honestly that is so sick, I’m happy that my music creates that kind of reaction in you, especially because everything I do is created kind of subconsciously, I don’t feel like I think a lot about what I make.. it just kind of happens and then I’m like oh that makes sense, I suppose my subconscious wants to tell me something about myself? Maybe SHE wants to be heard and now your subconscious is doing the same to you!! A chain reaction has begun...

Naaz began as a girl with a big mouth, I’ve always had a lot to say and a major big fantasy. I wrote little books as a kid and slowly they turned into songs simply because they felt like songs when I read them out loud. I’ve always just made whatever gave me butterflies. That’s really all I’m chasing in life, feeling those butterflies... music gives me the same feeling as falling in love does, and that’s the whole reason I started making it. As a kid growing up, I was bummed how I didn’t get as many crushes anymore growing up, so I looked for different ways to feel warm inside, and it was music. Love you forever music. Yes.

OTW: What are some people or instances that really inspired your desire to start making music?

Naaz: I remember watching Linkin Park perform on MTV or something when I was a kid. My brothers told me they wrote and composed their music themselves and that absolutely blew my mind ever since I found out not everybody does that (which broke my heart at the time, which I respect now because I see the difference and art between a writer and a performer). I wanted to be able to do that too, so I started writing and googling websites to “make beats for free” (laughter). Lorde and Tove Lo definitely inspired me to start producing as well, I appreciate them forever, and ever. Never forget who inspired you... they are just as much your parents as your actual parents. They deserve more credit! No, you did NOT do this all by yourself, everyone is always inspired by whatever, that’s something to respect!

OTW: Creativity seems to flow off of you so effortlessly. How does a typical session of creating music with you go?

Naaz: I usually write down everything I think or feel, even if it’s simple thoughts like, “I need coffee.” Anything, truly anything, can be inspirational. You can literally write a song about every scenario ever and make it interesting (I believe). I just start gibberishing and sometimes I already sing lyrics that make sense. I believe that’s when my subconscious is trying to tell the world something through my little shell of a body. Writing is very natural to me because my brain goes so fast and is so full, I feel loads of butterflies when I write; it’s my favorite thing in the world. I hope I die writing something beautiful.

OTW: Do you have any specific habits or routines that you absolutely need to do before you write?

Naaz: I have branded coffee in my mind to be a magical drink. I try to never drink coffee unless I’m in the studio, I’ve made myself believe that once coffee has been drunk, magic will be made.

OTW: What do you want your fans to get from the beautiful struggle?

Naaz: There is a lot of unintended concept art going on with this project, I didn’t really notice all this cohesiveness until recently, but that’s what I mean with trusting your subconscious. My heart wanted this all along, and then it happened as I put a piece of myself in everything I made... I want them to listen to the EP in chronological order beginning till end and realize how everything is connected. I want them to see how all the artworks are intended to look like extremely digital classical paintings. I want them to find the layers in my visuals. I want them to see how my microphone artwork is inspired by ancient Roman art but also by manga. I want them to see the reference between my microphone art and the “its not you it’s me” artwork, and why it’s important that it’s based on Botticelli’s painting of Venus. There! Now they must see it! Unless I did a bad job. But luckily, art is forever subjective so I win anyway (laughter).

OTW: While we're on deeper feelings and meanings, take any verse from any song in the upcoming album. What is the verse and what does it mean to you?

Naaz: “everything feels new again

I know that’s quite impossible

but you make it feel possible

a feeling is just as real as reality

(proud of me)”

This one is very important to me. I always like to feel brand new. Everyday, I am new again. But you can’t be new AGAIN, but then also you can... with this new EP, I like to believe I’ve created a new sound for myself and that is what I wanted, a different bit of Naaz. Like I told everyone from the start with my name, you will always see bits of Naaz, always a different one. I wrote this song midnight after Teofrans (the producers) and I finished making “Do You?,” which is my favorite song I ever wrote. I was so proud and emotional I turned my struggle into something beautiful. That “proud of me” just flew out of us... my midnight forever song ❤️

Photo: Peggy Kuiper

OTW: From your own personal studio to the stage, there's an amazing sense of passion that fans and listeners are instantly drawn to. What was your first live performance ever like?

Naaz: It was a festival in Rotterdam, my hometown. I wasn’t nervous because I had mentally accepted I wasn’t great, so anything would just help me become better. A strange coping mechanism that calms me down to this day. I was very chill about it. Very pragmatic, like, “Ok you will grow, step by step.” I just like to live the lyrics on stage. It can be unhealthy as I can torture myself with my own words, but it makes me feel real.

OTW: A little birdie told us that you'll be touring with Melanie Martinez this upcoming year! That's so huge and exciting! What was your initial reaction to the tour?

Naaz: Ohhhh what an informative bird!! It’s like those post birds back in the day, kudos. My reaction.... well, I didn’t think I’d get it, so I didn’t think about it at all. Until it was confirmed, I was with friends and I just shrieked. Literally. Melanie was my studio reference back when she released her first music. I used to make music quite similar to her (unreleased). She is a creative genius. I’m honored she chose me.

OTW: What are some things you miss about home while being out on tour?

Naaz: I miss my own cooking (laughter). This isn’t even cocky. If you know what you like, of course, you’ll make it for yourself (laughter). Ok yes but yea I miss my family and friends a lot, and my bedroom. I’m very sensitive about the way things look around me. I turned my room into everything I love. It looks like Mexico, because that’s a place that just looks like everything that makes me feel like life is beautiful. I hate hotel rooms but I love the people in it, so after all, I’m fine and happy on tour.

OTW: What are some things you're looking forward to about this upcoming tour?

Naaz: I can’t wait to have little eye contact romances with the crowd. There’s always some faces you come back to. Other than that, I’m happy I can be with Daan (my drummer) everyday. He is my best friend and used to be my drum teacher. We have the greatest times together. The whole crew is just the funniest bunch of people. Bless everyone!!

OTW: If you had to describe your music in the form of food, what dish would it be?

Naaz: Biryani!! It’s a kurdish dish of rice with loads of herbs, spices, chicken, and veggies. I am just, a lot of things. I’m a lot. But also very delicious. Taste me through a listen to the beautiful struggle!!!

OTW: What was your childhood nickname?

Naaz: Nana, my mom calls me that :)

OTW: Pineapples on pizza. Greatest invention or most heinous crime?

Naaz: I respect the creativity (nice safe, huh?)

OTW: If you had absolutely no limitations, what would your ideal Halloween costume consist of?

Naaz: I wanna be Rapunzel for a day.

OTW: Favourite lyric of all time and why?

Naaz: Lorde - liability because I feel like that song sometimes except for that I push myself away instead so I don’t have a girl to come home to and dance with

‘’So I guess I'll go home

Into the arms of the girl that I love

The only love I haven't screwed up

She's so hard to please

But she's a forest fire

I do my best to meet her demands

Play at romance, we slow dance

In the living room, but all that a stranger would see

Is one girl swaying alone

Stroking her cheek’’

OTW: Who are your Ones to Watch?

Naaz: Luwten! A dutch girl. She is one of the coolest artists we have and she deserves much more love. Check out ‘Go Honey’ and tell me it isn’t iconic!!!

youtube

#Naaz #the beautiful struggle #pop #indie #interview #indie pop #album reviews

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noiseartists · 6 years ago

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OUTWARD, introverted Shoegaze from Kentucky

Outward is the one man music project from Corey Philpot. It includes influences from Shoegaze, Indie, Dream Pop, Synth Pop and other similar genres that Corey grew up loving.

His last Album, ‘That’s life’, will be released on 15th February 2019 by our friends of Somewherecold records. Corey and Noise Artists collaborated to introduce you to his music and understand his motivations and persona thanks to a really good and detailed interview.

The music and feelings are vastly drawn from the topic of depression and isolation as you will discover. We are delighted that Corey speaks freely of this mental state that many people experience, without always seeking the support that would make their life better. The more we talk about it, the better.

Without further ado, discover Outward’s music and Corey Philpot.

Musical Work

Outward’s musical work to date is:

That's Life, Album, February 2019

Reverie Remedy, Album, May 2017

Hypnagogic Calibrations, EP, April 13, 2015

Inside the Tremble, EP, October 2014

The King's Ascension, EP, August 5, 2013

The best introduction to the coming album is to ask the artist the story behind the music. And this is a great one.

“My name is Corey Philpot, and I go musically under the name Outward. I am a one-man-band but with a full band sound. I have a new album called That’s Life which is releasing on February 15th on digital and physical disc under Somewherecold Records.

The album itself I would describe along the lines of ripping out pages from within a diary my soul has tried to keep inside hiding from all eyes. It’s my attempt at digging into every outlet of dark and light that I carry inside, to make it audible and visible outwardly.

I began recording it while living in Austin, TX. A few different things had fallen through, and I somehow was lucky enough to land a gig with the great band SUPER THIEF of ATX, and I didn’t have any new material. I wrote a handful of tracks from the album within a span of a week just so that I would have a live set to perform.

The very day of the gig, my wife was robbed at gunpoint at her job. Needless to say, we didn’t go through with the gig and this became the concrete starting point for That’s Life. A few more incidents happened after that are more on the personal side of things which dealt in life and death as well.

We ultimately decided to leave ATX, and return to my hometown in London, Kentucky; a place where if you feel like being left alone, you truly can be. Over the span of the next year and a half, I recorded more and more songs. They were my way of addressing what my wife and I had been through and were going through. We were facing everything together. Living in the depths of darkness, while hoping to see a light to shine on the world and make it better. We eventually found our own light to shine on ourselves.

The concept of the album lies completely in its name. We all face so many struggles every day, and the weight of those struggles can sometimes be all too consuming. Sometimes it often leads to depression, which can lead to addiction and ultimately even suicide.

I think most people have experienced some form of depression and suicidal thoughts. I feel its something common, yet as a society, we fear it so much and view it as a weakness so much; we immediately shut it down when someone confronts us about it.

I’ve experienced and witnessed so many moments where people are on the edge of taking their life, reached out to someone to talk, and that someone responds with the phrase “That’s life,” shrugging them aside; basically making it a point that because everyone has issues and seems to get over them, that you must get over them as well. There’s a few tracks that I feel standout to this. The most obvious for me are Rainface and Post-RPG Depression.

Each of those tracks, the vocals and lyrics were improvised in one take; as I felt they needed to have that real stream of consciousness feeling as if your mind and heart must vent or you’re going to drown from the inside. Other tracks deal with certain subjects, mostly between accepting life as it is (both good and bad), drug addiction, suicide, isolation, dreams, hopes, fear, love, hate, and drug overdose.

I feel that we as a society are quick to judge and condemn anyone experiencing these darker issues and often time say these individuals do it to themselves and don’t deserve help. I stand strongly against that. I think anyone reaching out for help deserves to have a hand stretched to them. These are the people that often need the most help or someone to just listen.

My songs as a whole dig through this concept; such as the track Nothing Much. It is basically reflecting on when you feel that your life is over and that suicide is the only answer left; just to free yourself and the burden you feel exists on others by you existing. “They say it’s fine, all in time. I think they lie to feel fine”; it reflects when people say to you everything will be okay in time and will eventually pass. Sometimes that’s not true, and things won’t be fine.

Tracks like Crash, Codeine Dreams, and Can’t Care reflect on drug addictions and the mental spiral they can create or leave. How a drug can be a crutch to feel like it can fix everything, yet it remains pointless as it will never end in anything but more harm to yourself. However, sometimes it feels its all you have left for life, even though you know it’s not a positive thing. You feel trapped with no defence or way out. Then sometimes, it feels like it’s a will to personal self-destruction; a way to slowly take means into your own hands and decide how you want your life to end. A weird awareness of self-control and lack of self-control at the same time.

Other tracks deal with hopes and dreams. Swear to Me is like a waking day dream. You picture everyone being okay, life being alright, everyone being peaceful, and that it can all rise above the darkness. Ultimately, life will be what life is, but you can’t stop from dreaming of things being better. Though, at the end of the day, you will always wake up from that dream. A lot of the tracks on this album can fit into the same category of this song; meaning striving and hoping for a better life for yourself and for others, regardless of the obstacles life seems to constantly throw at you.

I tried to make every song feel as if it had its own identity. I won’t put out an album unless I feel every song has its own sound and doesn’t necessarily sound like something that’s already been done before. If it does, it’s by pure accident; as with every song I try to go in completely open minded with no goal but to follow what my heart tells me and what resonates in sound to my ears.

This being the case, I don’t think my sound really fits exactly into a genre like a puzzle piece. Rather, it’s a cherry-picking of multiple genres and sounds I love all into one cohesive thing. Because I grew up in a small town in the middle of nowhere mountains; music and film were my only obsessions that kept me going.

My music is a combination of all my favorite genres since I was a kid: shoegaze, grunge, industrial, slowcore, 80s synthpop, noise rock, retrowave, dreampop, and more. I combine my favorite things and whatever comes out, comes out basically. Because it’s so noisy, melty, and loud I think it lends itself to the shoegaze side more than anything. Jason Lamoreaux of Somewherecold Records has coined the term Sludgegaze to describe the sound; which I think is actually pretty great and it made me excited like a little kid when he said it.

This album is an extension of me; into my heart, mind, body, and soul. It’s me trying to deal with everything life is/was/will be. It’s an attempt to approach life and death in so many different forms. And it’s ultimately my attempt to reach out to people in the world struggling with their life and fighting to keep going. I want it to be a message that says you’re not alone in feeling these things, and you’re not alone in this world. It may be hard, but as long as we keep fighting, we can make of life what we will. There’s no pro-drug or pro-suicide song on this album and I hope no one comes away with that sort of message. It’s more of an “I understand and wish I could give you a hug,” message.”

Tell us about the artists you have worked with

I actually haven’t worked with that many artists. In terms of Outward, I’ve never worked with any other artists on tracks. It’s always been only me; even when it comes to recording, mixing, and mastering.

I have two different two-piece shoegaze projects though. One is with my wife Perla called June in Bliss; the other with a best friend named Veronika called Augra Nowhere. We as Augra shot and made a music video for the noise rock band SUPER THIEF however down in ATX.

THE INTERVIEW

Can you tell us more how you came to have the band’s name?

Outward came to me because I wanted something to signify in the simplest effort of what my music entails. The entire point I feel is to take what is most inward and to make it outward; to project the internal outwardly.

Where are you from? Where are you living now?

I’m from London, Kentucky and also presently residing here now too. I’ve lived in both Winston-Salem, North Caroline (while attending film school) and in Austin, Texas for a few years pursuing music and film. After hardships, my wife and I decided to get some air and come back here.

Could you give us the history of the band, how the members came together and have done music together since?

I started recording music by myself in high school. I had gotten electric drum kit and mixer for Christmas one year and that kicked me off. I had been inspired by Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails since I was five years old and decided if one man could do that and make such cool music, I could too. I wouldn’t dub myself Outward for a handful of years later though.

Could you tell me more on the band composition? Do you have plans to add new members, or is there possible departure scheduled from existing band members?

It’s only myself and has been since the beginning, which probably now stands as a decade. There’s no plan to add any additional members currently. The only thing I could see possibly in the future is touring musicians.

Can you tell me the inspiration behind your band?

The inspiration for me at the start was a way to deal with and/or escape my life. It was a way to deal with depression and living in a town where I couldn’t really relate to many people on many subjects or things. It kept me alive and allowed me to deal with my emotions in a non-harmful way; while also hopefully connecting to others in those same head-spaces.

Was there a vision of sorts or did you know what you wanted to do when you started up?

I’ve always wanted to be able to just make a living of any sort doing this. The dream for me is to be able to make music and connect with people, while being able to just afford daily life bills. I don’t care about being stupid rich. I only want to be able to survive and do something I genuinely love and that’s part of my soul.

In terms of styling, I want Outward to feel nostalgic more than anything; like playing video games growing up, watching vhs, and cartoons. I try to incorporate those things and the feelings into the image of it all.

Can you tell us about some of your favourite bands, the music you listen now, some you may want to bring the attention from the reader to?

I’d be happy to list older and current bands I love: Nothing, Lantlos, Alcest, My Bloody Valentine, Slowdive, Type O Negative, Failure, HUM, Nine Inch Nails, Deadsy, Alice in Chains (my first cassette tape at four y.o. was Jar of Flies), Cult Leader, Acid Bath, Barkmarket, SUPER THIEF, Exhalents, Blaze Foley, Urban Voodoo, Unsane, U2, Townes Van Zandt, XTC, Tears for Fears, Talk Talk, Jesu, Mazzy Star, The Alarm, The Wedding Present, Red House Painters, Seam, Low, Codeine, Sebadoh, Skinny Puppy, Ohgr, Medicine, Dir en grey, The Plimsouls, Devo, Alice Cooper, The Cure, Clan of Xymox, Lush, The Opposition, Anakin, Skydiggers, Helmet, Gojira, Devin Townsend, SYL, Godflesh, JAMC, Cocteau Twins, Richard Buckner, Grivo, Gleemer, Malice Mizer, My Dad is Dead, Machines of Loving Grace, God Lives Underwater, Placebo, Naked Eyes, General Public, Book of Love, ABC, Duran Duran, Adam Ant, China Crisis, Lycia, Red Rockers, Smashing Pumpkins, Local H, Sugar, Bethany Curve, Whimsical, Beatastic, Should, Cheatahs, Coalters of the Deepers, Roku Music, Iris, Iroha, Deafcult, Duster, Two Inch Astronaut, Chapterhouse, Thompson Twins, Tricky, Pale Saints, Nirvana (I’d be lying if I didn’t say there wasn’t an influence. My mom has a video of me at 2-3 yo hitting a snare drum singing lyrics to All Apologies), Miami Nights 1984, Hollow Sunshine, Newmoon, Prefab Sprout, Deafheaven, Drab Majesty, Soulwhirlingsomewhere, Revolver, Prick, Lift to Experience, OLD (Old Lady Drivers), David Bowie, Swallow, Quicksand, and Emma Ruth Rundle.

Do you have any other musical side projects apart from this band?

I have two at the moment. Both are somewhat similar to Outward, mixing genres while mostly leaning to shoegaze. They’re called June in Bliss and Augra Nowhere.

The Creative process

Who writes the song and the music and how do you get to the final song? Is it a community process, do you have leaders in composing or arranging music?

I write and record everything myself; from start to finish. I usually start with a drum track, synth track, or guitar riff. Whichever one leads first. After that I begin going through an endless amount of synths and find one that resonates and I start building layers. I continue doing this over and over until basically it sounds full or has exactly enough to what the track feels it calls for. I then decide if that part is verse or chorus, and then proceed to make the next verse or chorus. I’ve had a song reach 78 layers of synths, guitars, basses, and drums before. Once the music feels finished, then I begin working on lyrics and vocals. After those are laid I begin the mastering process.

Do you listen to the advice of your band mates? What would you do if they said a song was shit but you liked it?

Since I don’t have any bandmates, I have a select circle of friends and family I’ll send tracks to for feedback. Some are aware of shoegaze and the other genres, while others aren’t, so it helps me get a wide view of how people both familiar and unfamiliar with react to them.

If someone said a song was shit, I’d listen to them and try to understand their view and why they’ve reached that conclusion. It would depend on if it’s out of spite or if they’re genuinely being honest.

If it’s constructive criticism and ultimately can make the song work better, then I have no troubles taking that criticism. However if it’s someone being a dick, well, then they can fuck off. And ultimately, if it’s a track I love and feel is pure honesty, then I will keep it as-is no matter what. I think it’s very situational.

Talking about the lyrics: who write them? Is there a common thread in them, a theme? Who chose the songs’ name

I write them completely and choose everything about them from words, subject, to titles. There’s no common theme other than they must reflect a since of sincerity and honesty to myself.

Do you have a message that you want to get across in your music? If so, what are some of the messages you want to spread?

That you’re not alone in your problems. That people all over the world, including myself, have experienced and do experience these problems; that there are many who struggle with things like depression and suicide. My goal is ultimately to be a way of suicide prevention by facing it head on in the most honest ways.

It’s also to help myself get through these things too. Reality is a mirror and a reflection of our perception and projections. Helping myself get through can help others get through, while helping others can help myself get through.

Did your listening habits changed over the years and does it affect what you write?

I had a much cooler older brother growing up. I’ve actually always been into these types of bands. He showed me Nine Inch Nails and things like that at an early age (roughly like 5 years old), and so I dove in from there on for the rest of my life. Since then and now, I actively search constantly for new or old music that I can find; be it any genre. I don’t care what the genre is as long as its music coming from someone’s soul.

The path to music

Is it easy to find producers and studios where you live for indie-rock?

Not at all. This place is a small town that wouldn’t exist if a major interstate didn’t go through it.

Your recorded sound is good, which is not easy. Did you engineer the sound yourself, or did you have a sound engineer with you? If yes could you tell us more about him/her?

I’ve done everything myself. Because it’s always just been myself mixing all the things I love, it’s roughly always been this same sound; just more put together and improved quality. My instrumental, vocal, and composition skills have increased through the years just from constantly trying to improve. I would love to work with engineers such as Flood, Daniel Lanois, Brian Eno, Robin Guthrie, or Trent Reznor.

Was it a community work to try to have the best sounding music possible or mainly driven by the sound engineer or by the band?

It’s always been my sole goal to create something unique and original; a sound I could call my own that would not blend in with the mass of music out there. I want to have a sound that is both dynamically heavy and soft simultaneously; as if you were being beaten to death by the softest pillows.

How did the recording work differ over time?

Once I began to learn mastering, it drastically changed my quality. It went from someone sounding like they’re recording in their bedroom (which I do), to sounding like someone not recording in their bedroom (which I still am). Also, after years of practicing and self-teaching basically everything from gear, recording, instruments, etc., I’ve gotten better at it all; as they say, practice practice practice.

Is the recording material yours when you are out of a studio or do you borrow/rent it?

It’s mine. I don’t have anything near what a recording studio would have; literally just a small mixer, a mic, and a few programs.

Tell us what you are looking when trying to achieve your sounds? Do you experiment a lot or have a clear idea of what you want?

There’s definitely been some tracks where I can hear them in my head entirely before recording anything, but most times I just sit down with my mind as a blank page and allow it to kind of go wherever it wants to. I don’t specifically start out with a sound in mind or where it should be. Mostly, I’m always experimenting and letting it build itself.

Who is the more knowledgeable with pedals? You use them a lot, to great effect.

As large as my sound may seem, with as many effects as there is, I only use two pedals in my main setup. I’m not hugely knowledgeable into pedals; I’m very specific on ones I have or ones that I want. Outside of that, its not really something I really dive into. I feel you can experiment very widely with very little and achieve amazing tones and sounds.

I think I read once that Kevin Shields of MBV talked about even though he has many pedals, his sound is achieved roughly by one or two and then using the guitar straight into the amp. I took that as an inspiration and stayed simple. Simple, but effective.

What are some places around the world that you hope to take your band? Do you have any plans at present to tour in other countries?

I more than anything want to tour in Japan. I’ve always loved the music and film industry there. I was obsessed with Japanese art for a long time with bands like Malice Mizer and Dir en grey; as well as filmmakers such as Takashi Miike, Ryuhei Kitamura, and Sion Sono.

I’m a huge gamer and JRPG’s are some of my favorite types of games. Plus, there’s always been a love for shoegaze there. I’d love to go there ultimately and just dive into the art and be able to perform.

Although I’d always be down to perform anywhere in the world any time. I’d love to travel and meet great peeps.

Is there any reason in particular that you want to go to these places? Is there something about dream pop/shoegaze in those places that makes you want to go there?

Japan as far as I’ve ever known has always had a great love for shoegaze. I’ve always had a great love for Japan, so I think the two of us could combine pretty greatly.

Do you dream to live from your music or is it a passion you do not want to spend your full time on?

It’s my dream of dreams to make music for a living. It’s the one true thing I love to do in life, and it terrifies me in a way that without it, there’s no occupation I can ever be happy with otherwise. That may sound stupid to a lot of people and a pipe dream. The world is a hard place, and to survive, eat, and have a home, you have to be part of the system and work what you can to get by. Most times, that doesn’t mean you get to have a job that panders to your happiness at all; let alone one that deals in artistic natures. I’d give anything to take this full time and have it be my every day job.

Do you make a decent revenue from your music or is it still very much a hobby?

Even if I don’t make a cent, I will never consider it a hobby. It means more than I could ever try to explain. I will always give it my all and put all my effort into it; even if it never lands and never makes a dime. It’s survival for me. To keep alive, I have to keep making music and art. There’s no alternative.

If you have a record label, could you tell us a bit more about your record label and your relationship with it?

I’m under Somewherecold Records at the moment. It’s run by Jason Lamoreaux, who is an amazing human being. I couldn’t be more grateful for him and the label to take a chance on myself and the album. One of the scariest parts of being an artist is that you can pour your heart into making something you feel is special and great, but may never land to anyone’s ears or connect at all. It’s amazing to me how much support he’s given and believes in the album. I’m grateful.

What is the next album due?

Titled That’s Life, it’s due out February 15, 2019 on Somewherecold Records. It’ll be released digitally and on physical disc limited to 100 copies. It’s actually up for pre-order as we speak, and the first single “For Sure,” as a download immediately.

Do you plan to continue music for a long time or are you tired of it?

The rest of my life.

Anything else you want the reader to know

This album is made with the most pure and honest intentions that I can fathom. If you’re looking for something different and new then I really think it’s worth giving it a try.

It may not have a commercial appeal, as I’m not sure myself at all if that’s there, but I think if given the chance, it will surprise you in the greatest way. If you feel that music has reached a stalemate and there’s no new sounds or genres out there or nothing has been progressed, then this album is for you.

If you feel sad and isolated in the world, dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, or drug addictions, this album is for you as well. It is meant to be something different and something that also connects with people on a human level.

The part of us that is the real us inside that no one knows. This is me giving my everything to try and make art that is original and is also personal and human; something that has heart in every way.

I only ask to give it a chance, and approach with an open mind. I’m grateful to anyone who’s eyes have read this interview and grateful to Noise Artists for even offering me the opportunity. “

And we are very grateful to Corey for pouring his heart in this interview and presentation of his music.

Where to find Outward’s work

Music

Bandcamp

Soundcloud

Music Videos (lyric vids):

Sleeptalk

Backroads

Social Media

Facebook

Instagram

Somewherecold Records