#I’m rambling bc I’m trying to distract myself from my suffering

[arlo-venn]

Worried about how ill I’ve been, too afraid to be shrugged off by my doctor so I haven’t mentioned, it’s been weeks now. Complaining here instead

[human-adjacent]

episode 101 - another twist

- fair warning this is my favorite episode and also my least favorite episode and i am not okay. this post is mostly for myself

- intentionally listened to this on april fools day so i could pretend that michaels death was just a silly little prank

- i love all of nikolas lines she’s so cute. her little “hellooooo!!” to elias in the beginning, the way she keeps going “can i call u elias?” and says that she’s his good friend, her constantly insulting jon and saying that he’s rude and that he has bad skin, “ah, it’s downright uncanny!” “out with the old, in with… well, in with the you!” she’s such a good character

- MICHAEL☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️ i love him sm and all of his lines are also so good. even tho the main reason i liked him initially was because of his voice he’s also just so fascinating and his, as jon would call it, “identity issues” are so interesting. i love how even after all this time and all that the distortion has done there still is some humanity left inside of it, some semblance of the original michael shelley still fighting to exist. i know he’s here to literally murder jon but the fact that michael willingly gave jon a statement despite it going against his nature and entire existence really just shows that he is not a complete monster. the distortion desires to kill but as a past institute employee michael understands jon’s desire for knowledge, and even though he wants to take his revenge on the archives, i also think he has some empathy for jon. michael was killed because of his own ignorance and naivety, and i think he can see himself in jon, who’s also suffering because of his own ignorance, being pushed around and manipulated by his boss just like michael was. the distortion wants to kill, but no matter how angry or upset he is, michael shelley does not, and unfortunately for jon the distortion is just the more powerful force in this conflict

- i have nooo idea what i just typed sorry i didn’t mean to ramble but michael makes me very insane. dont u dare reblog and try to disagree with me bc that was not a coherent thought to provoke discussion that was just me grieving

- en e way here’s a list of quotes from this episode that i just really enjoy (woah i just figured out how to make a bulleted list that’s crazy)

“The Eye watches, and the Stranger conceals, but me… I lie, Archivist.”

“I am the throat of delusion incarnate.”

“Being Michael stole the only purpose I have ever known.”

“The cramped casket sings loud, but not loud enough to drown out screaming.” (the cramped casket is a beautiful way to describe a coffin)

“How do you define the start of your being when in some ways you have always been?”

“the Magnus Institute – that ivory tower, keeping its prisoners ignorant in pursuit of… knowledge. [Giggles] A dungeon full of idiot watchers.” (giggles🤭)

“Am I evil, Archivist? Is a thing evil when it simply obeys its own nature?”

“The mind does not shatter, Archivist. It is soft and malleable. It bends and twists and returns to what it was, though what you see and feel may leave their mark upon it.”

“I cannot tell you the existential joys of truly… becoming. Of an entireness finally crossing the threshold into your self.”

“Even sharper than the joy of becoming is the agony of being opened and remade. To have your who torn bloody from your what, and another crudely lashed into its place.”

“My very existence tied to my pointlessness. Wearing my failure as the very fabric of my being.”

“He got… distracted. Let feelings that shouldn’t have been his overwhelm me.” ☹️

- ok i held a grudge against helen last time for killing michael but i will admit i think she’s cool😔 also i would’ve loved to see michael distortion in the early days of his uh transformation because i would assume he also felt lost and confused like helen did and i’m curious what he would’ve done

- don’t talk to me for at least 3-5 business days i need to mentally recover

[heartpascal]

THE WORLD IS BRIGHTER

"The dark is generous, and it is patient, and it always wins—but in the heart of its strength lies weakness: one lone candle is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a candle. Love can ignite the stars."

- MATTHEW STOVER, ROTS NOVEL

(r)

• youth by daughter

"my eyes are damp from the words you left,

ringing in my head, when you broke my chest,

ringing in my head, when you broke my chest,

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one,

'cause most of us are bitter over someone,

setting fire to our insides for fun,

to distract our hearts from ever missing them,

but i'm forever missing him."

• home by catie turner

"feelings were fleeting, but now i'm surrounded,

visions of you shaved into the side of my head,

and as i sleep on the other side of the country,

i wonder how it feels to be safe in the palm of your hand,

and i just want to go home."

• broken by anson seabra

"if you see the boy i used to be,

could you tell him that i'd like to find him?

and if you see the shell that's left of me,

could you spare him a little kindness?"

"am i broken? am i flawed?

do i deserve a shred of worth,

or am i just another fake,

fucked up lost cause?

and am i human? or am i something else?

'cause i'm so scared and there's no one there,

to save me from the nightmare,

that i call myself."

• runaway by aurora

"i was painting a picture,

the picture was a painting of you,

and for a moment i thought you were here,

but then again, it wasn't true, dah,

and all this time i have been lyin',

oh, lyin' in secret to myself,

i've been putting sorrow on the farthest place on my shelf."

• overwhelmed by royal & and the serpent

"i get overwhelmed so easily,

my anxiety keeps me silent,

when i try to speak,

what's come over me?

feels like i'm somebody else,

i get overwhelmed."

(joel to r)

• leave a light on by tom walker

"and i know you're down and out now, but i need you to be brave,

hiding from the truth ain't gonna make this all okay,

i see your pain."

• it'll be alright by cody francis

"oh, my child i know,

you're hurt and you can't let go,

it's not your fault and you don't deserve,

all the bad and the hurt."

• half light by banners

"it makes me feel nervous,

you have that look in your eye,

oh, what takes over?

what is it that holds you tight?"

"when you're in the half light,

it is not you i see,

and you live a half life,

you only show half to me."

(joel & r)

• daylight by david kushner

"two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer,

souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt,

(oooh),

there's darkness in the distance,

from the way that i've been livin',

but i know i can't resist it,

oh, i love it and i hate it at the same time,

you and i drink the poison from the same vine."

HOWL I LOVE YOU!!!! your song recs are actually my favourite things EVER. i can’t even express how much i love these. so so amazing. edit: howl. after going through all of these….. you have outdone yourself. you are amazing.

also yes this whole thing is just going to be me sobbing and crying and making myself sad about how much i made r suffer. WHAT OF IT. leave me to ramble!

ALSO ALSO heheh he this gif is so good. giggling. gonna watch that film JUST for this moment BAHAHAH

youth — sobbing. this song is just … emotional. its so good. and i think it’s just so :( poor r she’s going through it. “i’m forever missing him” is just so so real for this fic. bc she really just … can’t not think about her dad :( also the lyrics “shadows settle on the place that you left / our minds are troubled by the emptiness” is so r and joel coded. they are both suffering sm OOPS

home — i know this is going to be a common word here but.. sobbing. once again. this song is so :( AND ITS NEW TO ME!! i like hearing new songs and i trust in you and you specifically howl. ANYWAY. also the “so when are you coming home” is so …….. heartbreaking. gut wrenching. R’S DAD ISNT COMING HOME. and she knows it. and the exact lyrics you said like the sleeping on the other side of the country …….. bc her dad never made it there with her … it just makes me so sad.

broken — AAAAAHHHHH. (this is me violently sobbing and crying). and and and. i really like “please, wont someone take me home / before i lose my mind?” BUT SHE CANT GO HOME. and she really does feel like she’s losing it but like … she can’t bring herself to care. AND THOSE LAST LYRICS YOU SAID???? reader my beloved joel will be there soon :( also,,, that is exactly how joel felt and he just didnt want r to be stuck in that mindset yk, to be alone, to have nobody to pull her out of that nightmare yk

runaway — (i accidentally deleted this one…. i-) anyways AS I WAS SAYING. I LOVE THIS SONG. and in relation to this????? what if i cry, specifically, “and for a moment i thought you were here” is so so so. like you know those moments after losing someone and then like. you forget, even if its just for a moment, and then you remember and its just the worst all over again??? yeah, i know that. and yes i will be applying that to r. soz. r suffers with me. and and and “but no, take me home / take me home where i belong / i got no other place to go” like r just wants to be back home with her dad. she’s so sad. UGH. yeah. this song <3

overwhelmed — omg i’ve never actually heard the full song before now :0. anyway. also. this is so r on the journey to bill and frank’s like … before she just … fades. its mfing debilitating dude. also yes bc every time she gets .. overwhelmed, r fr does struggle to hold on to herself

leave a light on — JOEL TO R CODED YOURE SO RIGHT. “i see your pain” has me sobbing and crying because :( I KNOW I PUT A BIT OF A SPIN ON JOEL’S GRIEF AFTER SARAH but tbf we dont see it in the show or anything yk??? like we KNOW he did some … bad things, but lets be real. he didnt deal with it at all. he just fell into darker habits. and i just think him knowing exactly what r is going through, even though it will be different, he still KNOWS. and he can recognise it. and joel just makes me so sad. “but i need you to be brave” sobbing so hard. yes i will relate every song lyric to joel miller/my own fics. what about it. as we should. joel of all people KNOWS how much courage it takes to NOT fall into that headspace. my babies

it’ll be alright — howl ive never heard this song before and i……. im not ok. what the hell. this is so joel miller coded. yes he would relate this to ellie as well canonically. but r…….. its so much worse. joel KNOWS about the bad and the hurt. and joel KNOWS that out of all the people who deserve it .. r is not one of them. AND AND AND “how much longer will you suffer in this life? / but dont give up, just hold on tight / it’ll be alright” what if i sob and cry. joel just wants to reassure r man. these poor tortured souls. maybe one day ill write a happy fic (doubtful)

half light — yes on each and every level. THIS ONE IS SO PERFECT. “it makes me feel nervous / you have that look in your eye” bc joel recognises it :( joel KNOWSSSS. he knows. he’s all knowing. he knows exactly what that look means. he’s seen it in his own eyes. “it is not you i see / and you live a half life” OH WHAT JOEL WOULD DO TO TAKE AWAY ALL OF R’S PAIN. to make her ok and whole and happy. he wishes he could fix it. but he knows he can’t :( nothing can fix that pain, after all, he would know. im losing my mind rn

daylight — THIS ONE FITS SO WELL TOO. idk how you ALWAYS do this. how do you never miss???? “souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt” ??????????????????????? no because joel and r literally are mirrors of each other. they both feel the exact same guilt. and they always will. and the pride that they BOTH have in trying to handle it all alone. like yes r accepts joel and tess’s help (not that they really give her a choice) but she doesn’t WANT to connect, she doesn’t want to talk about it. and i imagine joel to have been the exact same way, only going on for tommy, and yes eventually tess, though u can imagine how long he spent refusing to admit even to himself it was bc he cared about her SMH. ‘business/survival’ is what he woulda told tommy about looking out for her. “you and i drink the poison from the same vine” hmmmm yes they really do. they r one and the same. they’ll self destruct till there’s nothing left tbh. and and and “tellin’ myself its the last time / can you spare any mercy that you might find” is joel coded and no i needn’t say more.

[xf-cases-solved]

below the cut are my answers to the poang secret santa gift exchange questionnaire. if you follow me and have no idea wtf i'm talking about, feel free to ignore this 😘

okay, my adhd meds are at their peak atm, so i will try very very hard not to ramble for 84 years 😬

*update after completing: i failed. read my answer to number ten tho, if my inability to stfu is incredibly intimidating

The following questions are designed to give your Secret Santa more insight into the things you like so that they can try and tailor their gift more specifically toward you. You can put as much or as little detail as you wish. It is also not mandatory. If you’d prefer to just be surprised with whatever your Santa comes up with, that’s cool too! This questionnaire also doesn’t guarantee a specific gift. Look at it as providing a guideline for your Santa, but not a rigid set of rules, yeah? Cool. Let’s get started:

1. Starting broad, tell your Santa about your relationship to The X-Files. This could be how you got into The X-Files in the first place, what the show means to you, or just general information you think might be relevant for your Santa to know.

due to questionable parenting decisions on my mother’s part, i started watching the x-files in 1998 when i was approximately five years old. consequently, i quite literally grew up with the show, and sort of absorbed it into my soul so that it became an integral part of my personality and general sense of self. so it’s fairly meaningful to me, lol. it’s never felt like “just a tv show” to me, if that makes sense. it’s cornball af to say, but when i watch it, i get a sense of calm, like i’m coming home

that said, since i was a fucking baby when i started watching, and the only person i knew who also watched it was my mom, i didn’t really have a fandom experience. it’s only now, with the pogang, that i have finally felt like i am a part of the x-files community 🥺

x-files has been there for me through some incredibly difficult times, and this year has been very hard. so hard, in fact, that i purposefully triggered a hyperfixation. i was unbearably overwhelmed with life, and i literally thought to myself “if i start an x-files rewatch rn, i know i will become insane about it and it will distract me from the Everything™️,” which like, is that the healthiest choice in the world? mb not, but it led to me finding x-files friends for the first time in over 25 years, and that’s invaluable to me. so in terms of unhealthy coping mechanisms, i am giving myself a pass on this one

fuck, i’m already writing too much. why am i the person that i am…

2. Tell your Santa about your favorites! Favorite characters, favorite moments, favorite episodes, favorite seasons, favorite ships, etc.

so i’m all about simping mulder. to be clear, not me simping over mulder, but mulder simping over scully. from the jump, i have always been obsessed with mulder’s love for scully, and how batshit insane he is about it. the feminist in me is ashamed, bc i have always loved the episodes where scully gets kidnapped or injured (and there are A LOT of those), bc it meant mulder would lose his gd mind. fwiw, it’s mulder’s suffering i like here, not scully’s. (that probably doesn’t rly help my case, huh? oh well.) i love mulder worrying about her, searching for her, becoming unhinged about her. i love it when he’s jealous. i love it when he looks at her like she’s the most beautiful, precious thing in the universe. basically i want my mulder to be a sopping wet pathetic puppy attached to dana scully’s hip and entranced by her magic thrall. i want him to feel both eternally blessed and completely baffled by the fact that she loves him back. i’m pretty gay for gillian anderson/scully, and as i’m typing this i wonder how much of this is projection. let’s… not examine that

in terms of other favorites (oh my god why am i still talking??) you have to remember that i was a literal child when i developed my opinions about the show, so some of them are… bad, lol. (for example: i think “first person shooter” is a good episode, sue me. imagine how fucking cool it was as a little seven year old to see scully kick mulder’s ass at video games). consequently, “milagro” is my favorite episode 💀. i also really love “all things” 💀. i have good taste, too, tho. other faves are “detour,” “never again,” “memento mori,” “redux ii,” “irresistible,” “jose chung,” “clyde bruckman,” “triangle,” etc. given my mulder confession above, cancer arc is obviously what i assume they would put on loop for me in heaven. for no discernible reason, i have always had alex krycek as a favorite character, which baffled my mother a lot when i was little. the lone gunmen are also choice as hell. but at the end of the day, it always comes down to my favorite two agents. they’re the heart of the show, and the heart of my heart, or something ❤️

(god i’m sorry this is already too long and this is only question two aaaaa)

3. Tell your Santa about your LEAST favorites! We all love our show, but it also sucks sometimes. Which parts suck the most for you?

this show is very good at being very bad, i agree op! i cannot handle mulder/other (i feel the reasons are clear, given my simping mulder manifesto above). diana can get eaten by a flukeworm. s9 doesn’t exist, and s8 only exists when i’m in a particular mood. only parts of the revival exist, mainly the parts that involve rhys darby. i am very “deny everything” about the things i don’t like. mulder is gone for scully’s pregnancy? denied. brain disease? denied. divorce arc? denied. mulder is red/green colorblind? that makes no fucking sense, he’s an fbi agent, i’m pretty sure that would disqualify him, and also: denied.

you get the idea

also, and this is kinda weird, but bc of bad timing in terms of release date, “i want to believe” is intimately linked to some really bad personal trauma for me, and so i can’t watch it or even really engage with it. that’s the only x-files thing that i can think of that’s an actual trigger instead of a coping mechanism

4. Tell your Santa your favorite tropes and genres! Only one bed? Friends to lovers? 5+1? Fluff, angst, hurt/comfort? You get the idea.

i am open to many things. off the top of my head: first time, hurt/comfort (guess who i want to be hurting and who i want to be comforting; see #2 if you’re uncertain). angst (with a happy ending) is always choice. idk, it’s probably easier to list the tropes i DON’T like rather than the ones i’m chill with, which is convenient, given the next question

5. Tell your Santa about tropes you tend to avoid.

so glad you asked! again, not a lot i will write off immediately, but i do have a weird complex about 5+1 fics. i have no idea why. i think they remind me of doing annoying, structured writing exercises in my creative writing classes. there are many wonderful ones out there i’m sure, but i wouldn’t know, bc i don’t read them. au is actually usually one of my favorites, but with x-files i tend to lean more toward a preference for canon divergence than au, i say, having written two different x-files au fics

hard no-nos for me are: spanking; any sort of spit/scat/piss play; D/s unless it’s extremely mild; and i can handle dubious consent if it treads the line veeerrry carefully, but no explicit non-con plz&thnx

6. For your Santa, but also just for fun, describe your ideal X-Files episode. Is it mythology? MotW? A literal porno?

my favorite episode would be a MoTW, which is full of a lot of whimsy and flirting, but also at some point mulder is very concerned about scully’s safety bc -gestures at #2-. then it would end with them sort of solving it, but probably not actually, and then they have a heart-to-heart, and since it’s my imaginary dream episode, they have their first kiss and then fuck nasty all night, god bless and amen

7. Speaking of pornography, tell your Santa what your spice preference is, using the following scale:

Salt only⁠ ⁠— No spice at all please! I.e. General audience rating.

Black pepper ⁠— A hint of spice. I.e. Teen rating.

Chili pepper ⁠— There’s a bit of a kick! I.e. Mature rating.

Habanero ⁠— Definitely spicy, but most spice lovers can handle it. I.e. Explicit rating.

✨Ghost pepper✨ ⁠— Only for the spiciest of spice lovers. I.e. VERY explicit/kink/POANG rating.

i tend to loiter most around the chili pepper to ghost pepper range, but good fic/art/whatever definitely doesn’t have to have smut for me to appreciate it, so no pressure, secret santa, if smut isn’t your thing. (if it IS however, well then, by all means, go to town)

8. Those are the most important things, but I want there to be ten questions because it’ll look better, so tell your Santa what ONE song you would pick to describe MSR. (Or if you’re not into MSR, pick a song for your favorite ship, or for TXF as a whole.)

why the fuck did i ask this question when i knew i would struggle for an answer. my automatic response is “blue skies” by noah and the whale. i think the lyrics are fairly apt, but i also just listened to it on repeat a lot when i wrote my multi-chap txf au, so i might just associate it with msr in a like, pavlovian way. whatever

9. Almost there. Pick your favorite TXF quote.

too many, so let’s just go with “i’d do it all over again,” bc you bet your sweet ass i would

(oh, and also “you made me a whole person” bc what the fuuuuuuck, that’s the most insane, romantic thing to say to anyone, but especially your “platonic” coworker, jfc)

10. Aaaaand, ten. And the last question can be open ended: Is there anything else you think is important for your Santa to know? Put it here!

hooray, you’re free from my rambling! in all seriousness, what i want to make ABUNDANTLY CLEAR here is this: i clearly have a lot of thoughts and opinions about my our show, but the idea of someone taking time to create something for me, especially in this fandom where i have felt very lonely for a very long time, outweighs all of that shit. i don’t care if you’re newer at writing, or y⁠our artwork isn’t at a level you want it to be at, or your gifs are glitchy—i don’t care about any supposed flaws. whatever you make me, i will cherish. i can talk 5ever about x-files (believe it or not, i actually held back up there, isn’t that unhinged? i am broken), but i want to see x-files through your eyes, too. there is no pressure at all, friend, so please don’t worry about getting it wrong. you won’t. i promise ❤️

finally shutting up now! inbox is open if you have any questions. later, friend

-diz

[adhdvane]

Anon back again, don't worry about delay in answer! I'm not expecting you to reply in a matter of seconds and I'm patient anyway! (●'◡'●) (and yeah, tumblr's notification system kinda suck so really, not your fault haha)

I understand your struggle with fics all too well lol I'm sure a time will come when it just clicks and you can write the good stuff ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ And no need to feel bad if you haven't posted a lot on ao3! You don't have to have 1000 fics or 200k word-long fics for your works to be enjoyable!! Even little ficlets and drabbles are good to have around ♥

It's good of you to have taken time for yourself if you needed it ♥ And yeah, completely understandable to hesitate and come back to fandom in general with the current state of things (a couple years ago I made an IE/Go sideblog and I'm still terrified that someone is going to come up and yell at me for shipping the characters lmao And that's without counting the Problematic™ fics I wrote when I was 16 lmao)

Regarding your tags, I'm just sitting there like starry-eyed because YES TenKyou. I'm DELIGHTED to know that's your preference because that's mine too for the ship asklhjkh

As for Todd and Prof Mirror, that's a tough and personal question, so good luck! (I'm thinking Todd topping's nice but does it make the prof kink better or not is the question!! ALSO in the french version, I know there's a line from Todd going like "Mirror was already being called Professor before he was a professor" so maybe he's not the only one with a prof kink, just from a different angle, hah)

(you say sorry for rambling, but joke's on you, I ramble too! Sorry for clustering your blog though woops Have a good day! (´･ω･`) )

rip, okay, once again i apologize about this one being even later, mostly bc i saw it early, but i haven't been able to sit down and respond to it. this week was the last week of the month so i actually had a lot to do at work and was able to go in every day (as opposed to 1 - 2 days bc business is still so slow). but at the end of the month i do invoicing for inventory charges for that month for each customer. though i was able to actually get a lot of it done sooner than usual (bc i actually started the process on tuesday instead of thursday), there were still three big ones i couldn't even do until thursday bc they had several orders in production that didn't get shipped until thursday. I was going to finally get to this ask on friday when i got home (we only work half days on friday and close at noon)… but the new gbf event had started… and uhg… a sho centric event. g od.

rest of the word vomit under the cut

before i just—IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ABOUT THIS GBF RAMBLING FEEL FREE TO SKIP BELOW TO THE END THE GBF OF RAMBLE—this event askjdsjkdfslkdjsdjg talk about giving the antag his redemption art event. the emotional growth in sho. so many new assets to save… there are fricking 6 different versions of his character labeled _painful (_painful, _painful2, etc.), and like so many zoom in's that basically every one of his images has an _up version (the battle ones ((the ones of him on his gearcycle)) also have a bunch of _up2 versions that are zoomed in between the default and _up close up) anyways these in particular kill me.

sho "i'm-not-going-to-cry-or-show-expresions-of-gratitude" awkwardly smiling and crying in this event (while also repeatedly getting the shit kicked out of him/getting hurt. having a moment of breaking down from exhaustion and pain, in the rain, before deciding he has to swallow his pride. every single english word that comes out of his mouth, cv: taniyama kishou is a gift (on a side note i can't believe he fucking played alpha in chronostone. like thats fucking hilarious a va and voicalist capable of such range and drama voicing alpha and his serious monotone ass). Sho (@tsubasa): You showed me the light before—[…] Tsubasa: Wait, what? Whaddya mean I showed you the light? ((you mean when he punched you in the fucking face at the end of the previous event of this series?))). I mean I already shipped bc of the their last event, how can you not ship the guy screaming he's going to kill the protag w/the protag esp after getting punched in the face by the protag at the end makes him calm down and be like fine i guess you win i'm not going to try to kill you know and our gangs don't have to fight. also they're both like 16 (or at least tsubasa is canon 16 (a yeas totally looks like a 16 year old) and sho is at least still in school and at least confirmed to be a minor (not age of majority, which idk what that is exactly in universe, could be 18, could be 20, bc it is fantasy, but it's also japanese, thoguh japan's age of majority is actually lowering from 20 to 18 next april (2022), drinking/smoking/gambling age will still be 20, and the comment in this event was about we're still minors save the smoking for when you're an adult). sho could arguably be 18 or 19 and still believably in school and be considered a minor legally (if in universe gbf follows japanese laws) considering the time he spent in juvie he could easily have been held back. gbf will probably just make him tsubasa's age if a canon age is release. but thinking about sho being 19 and tsubasa being 16 would make some ppl upset and that brings me joy. (also just how funny it could be thinking about (bc everyone is perpetually the same age) how later when sho a year older and legally being able to drink, and tsubasa not, and despite the fact sho being like i will break the laws about physically assaulting a guy but underage drinking, smoking, and drugs is a no-no is fucking hilarious. (the app is rated t so i guess there's only so much you can do…) (oh and one last note, a character in the event asking if sho enjoys the pain and is a masochist, to have other character be like dude you can't just ask someone that. sho saying no he doesn't enjoy the pain. only for later when they are escaping, a character noting "You look rather happy about all this. Now I'm sure youre a masochist." gbf first crushing my sho masochist headcanon and then building it back up in this event, thank u gbf). anways, rip that was a lot and not even everything, as you can see i have been… distracted by this event. apologies

—END OF GBF RAMBLE—

oh god worry about ppl like that in ina like, there really people out there who don't want you shipping ficitional children?????? and the main ina cast is roughly between 12-15. and got i started watching ina in 2013 when i was 19. which apparently for some people is like bad uwu because it's a show for young teenagers (like lol too bad i'm 27 and even though i haven't kept up with aries i still love ina and all the little babies and wont stop shipping). i didn't even know there was people out there who get UPSET AT AGING UP??? like wtf???? sorry i want them to be old enough to marry, adopt children, have a job, and also f.uck. the dpk au is my lifeblood (and has a lot of Problematic™ content that's never even been posted online anywhere bc it used to be an rp. my favorite is that out of all the relationships in the au, tenma and kyousuke's is probably the most unhealthy bc of kyousuke's mental health. some very bad things happened to fei (per request of my rp partner) (part of vanfeny and garsha's revenge on saru as they were sent to megun while saru walks around ''free'' (what exactly is free is a whole other lore mess in itself that i wrote up about post chrono stone future). and that just lead to more bad things fei then did to himself. problematic™ content 9492347 in the dpk au, shipping ozrock and lalaya. (even worse, bc of lore planning i did for the au and decided how their species worked, lalaya is about 6.5 cycles (faram obius years) or roughly 130 earth years and biologically similar to 13 year earth years, and ozrock is about 48 Ixal years roughly 48 earth years and biologically similar to 24 earth years. so like even a worse ship. i mean just ignore cultural norms would be different on an alien planet and also she's royalty and has an obligation to be wed even younger and is probably socially more mature than a human 13 year old. rip sorry i just like alien stuff. a lot of this was also because wouldn't it be great for lalaya to have a really long lifespan so the human friends she makes get older faster and also die way before her :) ina's gunna hurt me with the bug aliens then i'm going to… continue to hurt myself with more alien life span stuff.)

Anyways, With TenKyou, idk I think it's easy to paint tenma as the innocent ~pure baby~ and kyousuke as ~bad boy~ bc of the first inago… and seed kyousuke was a little bastard man (affectionate). which would idk explain the default to kyouten. but like kyousuke chills the hell out in chrono stone and galaxy. and just bc tenma is a dumbass with a heart of gold obsessed with soccer doesn't necessarily mean he's has to be ~innocent baby 受け~ trope. (not that these are the only tropes that decide) (maybe it's bc i sort of like messing with what it must be like to be the main protagonists best friend and watch him continue to overcome everything and be in the spot light and how everyone praises him. kyousuke with self-esteem issues, looking back at all the problems he's caused, tenma has flaws but they're either negligible or something to love about him and mine have only hurt others. disregarding his own goddamn plot armor in the past. complex, emotional, suffering kyousuke is how i like my kyousuke. need we even get into how god eden was canonically revealed to be physically/mentally abusing seeds and that whole can of worms) (also just "nervous baby i don't know how to approach tenma" kyousuke, "cheeky little shit doesn't have any regards to personal space and boundries" tenma) at least if anyone starts giving me shit about an ina ship or problematic fictional ina content, i can always respond with something i drew back in 2015.

back to the matter of new snap though… that line is so familiar (im pretty sure it's in the eng txt, i have it set to jpn audio tho). i recently started keeping a log of the messages that pop up on the camp, lab, and map screens (but haven't saved too many bc i get distracted or at least i know i'm missing quite a few i have vague memories of). (also idk why my first thought to that line was mirror responding with "That was because you were the one calling me that.") there actually were a couple messages i saved initially that would be useful for fic writing:

Todd: "The professor used to be kinda reckless back in the day. I suppose after 10 year he must've calmed down a bit."

and

Mirror: "Todd's calmed down since I last saw him. Or maybe he's just acting mature because you kids are around…"

possible implications from these that I'm deciding to consider for headcanons:

both reckless and wild in their early 20's but that's not unusual, so they were acting like reckless young adults when they were 20. makes sense.

because mirror mentions the last time i saw him (which is definitely implied not 10 years ago since todd had a research team pin so obviously he's been around a bit since the lab was established) meaning todd is potentially still a chaotic bastard but is just trying to act like an adult in front of the kids. beautiful.

and on that note another wonderful Tood message:

Todd: "I never invited Phil to be my pupil—he just declared himself my "number one student" and started tagging along! But honestly…I was kind of flattered."

the possibility that when todd showed up in game, after that cutscene he went to talk to mirror like "this 10 year old just started following me and wont go away, pls help. what do i do?????"

this unsupervised 10 year old just followed a ~30 year old man into the wilderness and somehow just declares todd is mentor (and took the research team pin from todd to ''borrow''). this is a hostage situation. todd is the hostage.

the idea that perhaps todd just got back from a long expedition and was glad to be back and spend time with mirror, except this kid started following him around and wont leave him alone or go away, and then when he got to the lab there were two more kids there. how the fuck am i supposed to get it on with mirror when we have little alone time and when we finally do we're constantly at risk of being interrupted and/or walked-in on. (that last part was mainly the premise of the fic i wanted to write. "these kids are a handful how are we supposed to have intimate time. especially bc they're all so young and have child energy levels and when they go to bed i am already fucking exhausted." i'm thinking it might work better as like a drabble collection, that way i don't have to adhere to a plot line and can pick and choose scenarios to write because i keep winding up with more scenario ideas that i can nearly piece together into a coherent timeline anymore.)

(also a bit that rita becomes suspicious that they are 100% fu.cking even though all that happened was mirror wasn't asleep up in his bed above the lab and fell asleep in one of the bungalows w/todd and then tried to cover it up like haha what no, i was checking on todd he's not feeling well uh… what? where are my pants? oh. oh i can't believe i just totally got out of bed and left the lab without my pants haha.) (todd and mirror just trying to keep their relationship a secrete out of fear of rumors spreading and it affecting the lab's funding, even though rumors definitely started ages ago but neither of them realize). (also todd doesn't trust phil to keep his mouth shut and doesn't like the optics of the random 10 year old who started following him (UNSUPERVISED) just blabbing to his parents about how his cool mentor is dating the professor at the lab like yikes that could end badly worst case scenario.)

(i like the idea of mirror playing along with todd's ki.nk, albeit a little awkward sometimes (not very good at being intentionally 'sexy' about it, but that's not what todd wants anyways bc it's already inherenty sexy for him). Phill has a message "I barely get half the stuff the professor talks about. Do you?" and i can only image if he said that to todd

todd: （人*´∀｀）i know it's hot

phil: what)

anyways i hope you don't mind me rambling even more on your asks like this. last time i totally just cut chunks out to be smaller but this time… i'm going to leave things in rip.

[ortheaux]

i’ve felt a little bit self-scoldy/low about myself whilst poorly. i think i’m just in this state where i’m just feeling shame about not being able to be proactive about everything, and i keep catching myself like, telling myself off and i’m having to sort of reign it in and realise that a lot of these things are silly and irrational and i need to rest! like, my apartment is a little bit messy and i’ve recently done a little decorating, and i caught myself kind of thinking ‘ugh i;m such a gross slob’ when actually i cleaned up really well just before i got this infection and got rid of some boxes and stuff (and put on all my new bedding!! so prettyyy) but since i’ve had it, i gradually stopped being able to stand and lift my head and stuff (i can for short periods now, it’s okay!) for a while and obviously the water bottles and cups from trying to nourish whilst i couldn’t eat, and the bags they came in are the only messy things around, but i had to stop, look around and sort of reinforce this to myself for it to register so i think just the immobility is making me feel really negatively towards myself, coupled with the huge swelling in my face having a tiny self esteem impact and just feeling gross and disheveled (my hair is in an unbrushed top-knot bun and not in a cute way, it’s literally just so that nothing touches my face, ears or neck it hurts that bad) which is a little weird and intense but whatever. i think i’ve got a handle on it mostly bc the easiest way for me to eliminate an unhealthy pattern is to notice it and that’s half my battle, then it’s just mindfulness, rectifications (e.g, no, i’m not a big slob i’m just really poorly and i’m allowing those feelings to reflect onto me as a person in my mind instead of the way the circumstances are making me feel) and healing (usually cleansing or distraction things, sending a nice text or message to someone, drinking some water/tea if i can, stress balls, small treats/funny things etc) afterwards! generally that’s my process for breaking unhealthy thought patterns i can be vulnerable to and for moving through the trigger minefield and it works pretty well unless i’m in a crisis period or have had a big trigger - but i’m actually not in crisis mode! i know it might sound serious maybe, but this is just how much i have to think about pattern realligning bc i know i can get trapped in an unhealthy pattern really easily when i’m feeling down or poorly, so i have to be very mindful and introspective so it’s a lot of thinking, but usually i’ll come out just a little better! and my heart’s pretty much okay, minus the usual things, i’m feeling fairly evenly toned and think i’ll just feel much better once i’m in less pain and can move around and be independent again - and when i can eat lol! it’s been hard, but not debilitating. i’m rambling a bit though so basically, the point is, i’m poorly, but i’m fine! just felt like writing down some of my process when i noticed an unhealthy and harmful thought process that i nearly fell into, and maybe it can help out another person if they’re cool with suffering the life-relevant waffling too lol. it’s hard for me to structure this whilst i’m not well, but i’m still glad i wrote it somewhere