#I’m not sure if delilah ever loved Lauren I think she wanted to love her to prove to herself she could be lovef

[rottengurlz]

I finished my book

[themarissaharrison]

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                                                      DISCORD THREAD #007

Who?: Marissa Harrison, Nicola Sloane @nicolaeisms When?: Tuesday August 11th 2020 - Immediately after the ‘Always You’ Self Paragraph Where?: NicCleoRissa’s Vineyard, Pennsylvania

Mentions: @cmlopezofficial | Cordelia Lopez (NPC) | Delilah Daniels (NPC) | Lauren Sloane (NPC) Triggers: death mentions, M/H mentions, suicide mentions

PLOT DEVELOPMENT?: No. Just the real feelz.

Marissa

Marissa was always an early riser, she had been her whole life but it was an even truer statement since the passing of Delilah. She liked the early hours, between around 4.30am until about 6.30am when everyone else then began to start their day. In the height of summer like now, being awake so early was even better because she got to watch the sunrise over their new home. That was the right word to describe the vineyard, even though they had only been there a few days, it just really felt like home. The first couple of days, Marissa had been very quiet, still dealing with the devastation of the weekend and processing the video footage she'd witnessed at Delilah's apartment. But, today, as she sat at the top of the start of the berry yard with a hot coffee between her hands she felt lighter... Her shoulders weren't so tense and her head wasn't spinning around as much. They had all had a long talk the night before about everything, and she was sure that that was what had grounded her. Nic and Cleo grounded her. She smiled to herself as she heard footsteps behind her and looked over her shoulder, pressing her lips into her shoulder a little. "Morning honey... The sun hasn't quite broken yet, come and sit..."

Nicola

the first few days at the vineyard were....difficult for nicola. her original plan was to make this vacation about the three of her loves while she was also in recovery. yet after that very long conversation that they've had about what they were going through before this, the bar owner just....slipped and told them what has been going through her mind. how spacing out became a frequent thing for her again after almost a decade, expressing her fear of losing them and how it felt like it did that night. how she....how she spent nights before this staying up just to cry and watch cleo and marissa to sleep. though after opening up, it felt like the weight in her chest has been lifted. she's sensed the younger brunette woke up from bed earlier and didn't bother to follow her immediately to let her do her morning ritual. her body clock seems to have been readjusting to riss's...and getting up at this hour seemed new to her, but it just felt right. she got up from bed carefully so she wouldn't wake up the sleeping blonde and got herself a cup of coffee before walking up to what has become riss's usual spot at the berry yard. she wraps her arm around her shoulder and kisses the side of her head. "looks like i woke up just in time."

Marissa

It was hard to hear everything that had been happening with Nicola, because she had known something felt wrong and not asked, not done anything... She had felt guilt when she first heard about the fact she was zoning out again, recalling a few times way back when where she'd catch Nic in the realms of the past. Back then, Marissa didn't full understand what that was like... Now she did. So, now it hurt even more. But, they talked, like they had all made a promise to... They tackled it as a team, a family... They were getting stronger and stronger as a unit and Marissa was just-- she was happy. She let out a gentle hum as Nic's arm wraps around her, leaning in softly to the touch and closing her eyes for a moment when the bar owner kissed the side of her face. Riss let go of her own mug with one hand and placed it softly just on the inside of her thigh. "You're up earlier today, baby... You okay?" She asked, looking up into Nic's eyes with a gentle smile.

Nicola

from then on, nicola realized that in order for this to truly work, she could never suppress things ike this ever again. she recalls her conversations with cordelia about this a few months back, the little girl knew about communication more than her. she also knows it wouldn't be fair on her part if she kept things to herself. she wasn't alone anymore, she's got cleo and marissa now, they are a family. "i'm doing okay, my love. i promise." she looks back at the younger brunette, sipping on her coffee for a moment before continuing. "i think my body clock adjusted itself when we got here.... it's actually nice to be up at this hour, you're right." she leans closer, planting a soft kiss on her lips. "you look wonderful, as always. but this....no one can compare to this, my love. i can just...." she kisses her again. "you and cleo....you two make my heart hurt, but in the best way possible."

Marissa

Communication was one thing Marissa had always struggled with, which was ironic given the fact that he entire (now ex) empire was built off of negotiation and trade and business talks. But, those were different. This was personal and Marissa had been raised by a Mother who was as cold as ice, a Father who left, and mentors that taught her how to shut it all off and stay in the 'zone'. It was hard. But, Nic and Cleo-- Dela... They softened her, made it so much easier. "Good... Good, me too... This morning I just feel-- relaxed," she breathed out gently, her thumb stroking over Nic's thigh slowly as she listened to her talk. She chuckled when she said Riss was right. "I'm always right, babe," she teased with a smirk as the kissed. This was magical... It was perfect. Her eyes slowly left Nic's and returned onto the views as she nodded. "I've never felt at home before... In my real home in Vegas, in Manhattan, London, Paris, Kingsboro..." She shook her head a little. "I've never had this feeling before..."

Nicola

"i'm glad you're getting the rest you need, baby. you and cleo....you two have done so much work these past few months. with the gallery, the cove and the sanctuary, plus taking care of me....i just want to make sure i'm doing the same for you two." nicola chuckles along with marissa. "always....you and cleo are two of the smartest people in the world. i cannot argue with that." she kept her eyes on the gallery owner while she continued on watching their scenery. "i'm home wherever the three of you are. you, cleo, cordelia....you three are my life now." she takes her hand that was on her thigh to hold, intertwining their fingers. "i don't--i can't see myself with anyone else....i can't....i can't ever lose this, you...."

Marissa

"I keep getting these like... I don't want to say panic attacks because that's not what they are but... Just this overwhelming feeling of standing still, of not doing any work. I've not had a break since I was 17... I can't remember the last time I took a real vacation like this," she sighed softly as she fell deeper into the others embrace. "You take care of me more than I think you'll ever know, Nic... And Cleo too, I-- I don't know how to prove to you both how much you mean to me... I've never been good with this but... The three of you... I don't think I can--" Marissa didn't want to say it out loud, about how she wouldn't want to be alive without them. That was too much pressure to put on their shoulders, no matter how true it was. "I love you..." She whispers into Nic's chest, feeling the best possible pain in her heart. She felt a tear roll out from the corner of her eye and quickly wiped it away.

Nicola

“i understand, my love….this has been my first legitimate break in more than a decade….” nicola runs her hand along marissa’s arm, letting out a relaxed sigh as she moved closer to her. besides montauk not so long ago, this is something the older brunette would call the break she’s been needing for years, in a property she shares with her family. “i just want you, cleo and cordelia to have the best care you three deserve. i just….i’m sorry for not telling you two what was happening…” she plants a soft kiss on top of her head. “we’re never going to go anywhere….we’ll be always together, and i promise you that.” she runs her fingers through the gallery owner’s hair as she nuzzled her face against her chest. “i love you too….so much that words won’t ever be enough.”

Marissa

Marissa was glad everything was out in the open now, more or less. It had taken away the strange tension that had been running between everyone since the attack, and now it just... It all felt right again, at least it did for Riss. "You don't need to be sorry... I get what it's like when you're like that, when you keep-- losing touch," she swallowed a little, thinking back to the video, to the psych ward and sighing. There was a question that had been running riot in her mind for weeks now, since the wedding reception of Avery and Monroe one that she hadn't felt right to ask until now. Riss sniffed as she sat up a little and looked to Nicola, reading her eyes for a moment and seeing the love in them. "Would you still look at me like that if I got sick again?" She asked, tone barely above a whisper. "Would you still love me if I had to go back...?"

Nicola

"hey....hey...." nicola takes the coffee mug away from marissa's hand, and puts it down beside hers, before drawing her into her arms. she cups the younger woman's face with her hands and stared at those hazel eyes. "i will always love you even if you get sick again, even if you had to go back....cleo and i will always support you through all of this. we will hold you through the toughest of times....and as cleo would say.....the roughest of seas....." she plants soft kisses on her forehead, the tip of her nose, then her lips. "i will always love you both even if things get hard. i would never give up on the loves of my life, you two never gave up on me. you were the one i was holding on to after i was....i was clinging on for my life. cleo held me away from losing my sanity. you two....with dela....you brought back life in me. i would never....i can't ever lose this....lose you...i can't..." she shakes her head. "i will always love you, marissa harrison. always."

Marissa

Letting Nicola draw her in, she loosely grabbed hold of the fabric of Nic's top as she listened. The roughest of seas... Riss wanted to believe that she had sailed through the harshest weather her journey would make her face but, what if she hadn't? What if they became more dangerous later down the line? Could she handle them? Would they be able to handle her? "I will always love you two too, and Dela of couse... But I--" she swallows thickly as she rests her forehead against Nic's and closes her eyes for a moment to stop herself from crying. "I don't ever want to lose this... But what if my own mind doesn't give me a choice?" Riss furrowed her brows deeply as she took in a heavy breath. "I don't remember-- how I got to that apartment... I don't remember the things I did and if I did that again... If I get bad and-- and Dela sees... She doesn't need to see that... I'm just so scared-- o-of myself... But I can't lose this... I don't want to ever stop loving you..."

Nicola

"neither me nor cleo would allow that to happen, my love. and you.....you will always have us." she gently drags the younger woman to her lap, just kissing the side of her head while she listened to her speak out her mind. "we've lost each other once and i'm not going to let that happen again, i'm going to--we're always going to fight for you, for this, for our family." nicola could remember that day, still.....and how it hurts seeing marissa like that. "what can i do? what can we do to help, baby? whatever you need....we'll support you, be with you every step of the way. you're not alone anymore, my love....you're never going to lose us, i promise."

Marissa

She had heard all this before, this wasn't the first time they had had a conversation like this... But, here in the vineyard, in their home... Those words felt more real, they held more a place in her heart. For our family. She had never had one of those before... Not really... No-one had fought for Marissa, not even Delilah. "Everything that you are already doing... Just-- being with me, in my life... Talking, properly... I know, I don't feel alone anymore. I just-- maybe I'll always be scared of-- my own head..." She sighed gently and shrugged her shoulders a little. "There's nothing anyone can do about that... I just have to learn to live with that," she smiled sadly before kissing Nic softly.

Nicola

"you always have me and cleo....and dela, whenever you're scared. you can...you can tell us absolutely anything. alright?" from that night on, nicola also promised this to herself, not to keep things from cleo and marissa anymore. that she wasn't a burden to them. that they would always have each other. she kisses her back, holding her as close as she could. "we'll fight it, together. we will always be here with you....this place....this vineyard....i thought of this as the place for us when things get too much, a place for us to rest and hide from the rest of the world. i do hope it helps....even just a bit. i....i love you, riss....remember that i'll always be here."

Marissa

Marissa nodded softly as Nicola explained everything again. As she spoke about how they were going to fight this together, the three of them, a team... A family. It was so surreal for Riss, to be using that word so often. Sometimes it made her want to run a hundred miles in the other direction, it was terrifying but... She couldn't leave, not Nicola, not Cleo... Now, not Dela either... "It does help," she said quietly as she played with Nic's fingers absentmindedly. "You help... And Cleo... And I love you both so much," she swallowed with a sniffle. I don't deserve this. That's what went through her mind as Nic said she'd always be here for her. She sighed. "I don't care about my coffee, can I just... Stay like this with you-- for a while?"

Nicola

"i love you and cleo...and cordelia....so much. i wouldn't know where i am today without you three. i--it may not seem like it, but you....thinking about you....that made me dive back up to the surface from the brink of giving up all those years ago. and without cleo and cordelia, i would've lost the little amount of sanity i've had left." the nightmares didn't come that much anymore ever since nicola started having two women around and sharing her bed with them every single night for the past month....and that....that helped a lot. "you can stay with me in any way you want for as long as you like, my love. i got you....i love you." she kisses the top of her head as she held her in her arms.

[lady-olive-oil]

Chris and Roxie kissing for the first time tho!!! I might cry!

I got you nonnie! So with this i broke it up into 3 parts, the phases of which Chris x Roxie went through from the very first time they kissed. Hope you guys like it!!!

Word Count: 1,889

Warnings: none, maybe a minuscule. just gotta squint

SN: if you’d like to be included in Choxie stuff, let me know and ill add ya to my list, i opened it back up!

____________________________

My First, My Always

As Kids:

It all started when they were younger, about 8 and 9, they were inseparable. What began as a long and beautiful friendship expanded into a tight bond, a bond that can never be broken. What made Roxie kiss Chris first in the 3rd grade was that he shared his box of crayons with her. The big Crayola 64 count box, with the built in sharpener, she was over the moon “in love” with him and no one could tell her otherwise.

She made sure everyone knew that Chris was her “boyfriend” and no one else could have him. It was sharing time and Roxie didn’t have any crayons because, everyone took the boxes and paired off which made her sad. 

“Uh Roxanne, you can share with me if you want?” Chris’ tiny but mighty voice helped ease her pain of not being able to color, in her Jungle Book coloring book. With a sweet smile, she nodded and say next to him.

“Thank you, Christopher. You can call me Roxie.”

“Ok, Roxie it is. You can call me Chris.”

A gleam in her eye sparkled as she came up with an idea. “Ok! Oh can I give you something since you’ve been so nice to me?”

“Uh yeah sure.” Chris looked up from his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles coloring book, and was shocked when Roxie gave him a quick kiss. His cheeks were flushed in embarrassment, the whole class oohed and awed at the action and it made Roxie giggle.

“I like you Chris.”

“I like you too Roxie.” 

After all that happened, their teacher called both their parents in for a conference to discuss what happened during coloring time. It was a surprise to Mrs. Farwinkle, that both Lisa and Monica were also childhood best friends and vowed to stick together no matter what. Even when it came to their kids and marriage as well. 

“Thank you for your concern Mrs. Farwinkle but, it was a sweet gesture from my daughter.” Monica, Roxie’s mom, reassured the middle aged woman that it was ok and kinda cute actually. The pair was getting ready I head home and finally relax.

“See? No harm done, it was just an innocent kiss amongst new friends.” Lisa smiled and nodded in agreement, as she walked with her son towards the door to head home.

“Well, since you both have an understanding about it. I guess it’s no issue then. Thank you ladies for coming in.” Bidding the two moms a fond farewell, Lisa and Monica chuckled gently as they headed towards their cars.

“So dinner tomorrow night right? Andre is making pasta salad and I have the red velvet cake.” Monica asked after strapping Roxie in her car seat. 

Lisa nodded enthusiastically. “Yes ma’am. Gorton and I will be there tonight. Why don’t we have the kids get together?”

“That could work. Getting them all together at whatnot and bonding. Just like we did growing up.”

“Sounds good. See you tonight.”

As the mothers drove to their perspective homes, the kids were fast asleep due to the soothing feeling for the car. Little did they know that this was just the beginning.

As Teenagers:

“Roxie! What are you doing? We gotta go to Lauren’s party.”

“But what about the chemistry exam we have in a few days?”

The bond never broke at all, and these two stuck like superglue by any means necessary.

“Oh come on, live a little. You’ve been studying all weekend, let’s go have fun. You’ve earned it.”

“Ugh fine.”

Growing up together, made them both appreciate the power of their friendship and how strong it was to keep it. Despite the fact that they both have had small crushes on other people here and there, they managed always come back together.

At the party Roxie felt like an outcast given that Chris was the life of every event; football game, social club and gathering. Yet Chris made sure Roxie was always good. So during a game of truth or dare, Chris was on the lookout for any dirty business happening to her.

“Ok so Evans, truth or dare?” One of the boys, Tye, had outed him during the 5th turn around. 

Eyeing him up and down he sucked his teeth, he got that from Roxie. “Dare.”

A smirk on Tye’s face was was pure evil, making Roxie shudder. “I dare you to go into the closet with Roxanne and kiss her for 10 min.”

Within the group of kids oohed in unison, that is until Tye plucked a nerve with Chris. “What’s the matter Evans? You chicken? Too scared to kiss your best friend in a linen closet?”

The look on his face was pure adrenaline and determination, mixed with annoyance. “Tye, you and I both know I’m anything but chicken.”

“Then do it. Kiss your best friend in the closet.”

Roxie was caught off guard, when Chris pulled her up from the couch and into the closet which locked from the inside.

“Remember, 10 min!” Tye yelled from the other side of the door.

“Chris, we don’t have to do this.” Roxie’s voice was small, but enough for him to hear.

“Roxie. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now but I couldn’t think of a way to do so. Ever since you gave me my first kiss, at a very young age, I knew I had to make it right.” He rested his head on hers, taking in the moment.

“Even if it meant in a closet at a party?” Roxie asked curiously.

Chris chuckled gently. “Even if it’s at a party.” Running his thumb against her cheek, he kissed her gently and the memory came flooding back. Holding her against him, he didn’t want to let go.

Locking her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss a bit, Roxie felt her face heat up. It was as if her nerve endings were electrified and brought to life. It was as if the world stood still and no one else mattered to her, just like the day she kissed him first.

“10 mins! You can come out now love birds!” Tye’s voice broke the heated moment, causing the tension to rise and fall between the pair.

Slowly coming out of the closet, the two felt awkward and yet closer together, while sitting back on the couch. 

“This doesn’t change how I feel about you, ok? If you ever need me I’ll always be there for you.” Chris reassures her with a gentle smile, and a tender hug.

What did he mean by ‘this won’t change how he feels about me?’ She thought to herself as she hugged him back. “And I will be there for you too Chris. Through thick and thin.”

Only time will tell how long that pact will last. And yet it did but blossom into something more promising and worth while. They were each other’s first time, as well and it set the tone for how they’d still be friends. They had other moments with other people, and yet their friendship was still intact. Maybe it wouldn’t change after all. 

Current Time Frame, As Adults:

And boy were they both wrong. The older they got, the feelings grew and the thoughts kept shifting, especially for Roxie. She held it in on how much she liked her best friend, more than just a friend. The fact of the matter is when Chris met Delilah, she knew she had competition.

Over the years when he was involved with Delilah, they butted heads constantly. That is until she met Carter, who looked like he could do no wrong but his face said otherwise. The more she got to know Carter, the more Chris got annoyed with him. The more Chris got involved with Delilah, the more Roxie got annoyed. It was a never ending struggle until Roxie broke it off with Carter for good.

The days got better when Delilah was reminded of the unbreakable bond between the two best friends, when she would pop up unannounced. Not even the premiere day for Endgame could rally in her favor, seeing as though it was tradition for the Chris and Roxie to spend the night with each other the day before any premiere of theirs.

That fateful weekend was all a blur, but grand. The night before changed something between the pair and it was magical. When Chris heard Roxie moan, he thought he was in a trace let alone a dream of sorts.

When he finally kissed Roxie for the first time in years, it was like the gates of heaven opened up and the angels sung in harmony. 

It was as if he got his wish and was willing to do anything and everything to keep her by his side. So in the middle of the night after the kiss of the century and a snuggle, around midnight, he woke her back up to just talk to her. He felt around the bed but didn’t feel her there.

“Couldn’t sleep?” Her voice rang through the darkness. But only the moon shined through windows. She slid back into bed next to him snuggled back into his side. 

“Well yes, but I wanted to ask you something important.”

Looking at him with curiosity, she sat up a bit against the headboard. “Ok what’s up? Something wrong?”

“Not really. I’m just curious about something: do you really want to pursue this with me? We’ve been friends for years and I don’t want to mess this up.” Sitting up next to her, he took her hands in his and looked into her eyes.

“Chris, we were each other’s first kiss; we were each other’s first time and so many other milestones that I don’t regret. You mean more to me than anything else in the world. We’ve done things “just friends” don’t do, and I wouldn’t mind taking it a step further.” She slid back onto his lap under the covers, draping it back around her hips, scooting closer on him and held his face in her cocoa butter infused hands.

“I’m ready for the leap if you are.”

He rubbed her hips gently and held her right against his chest. “You know I am Roro. I just needed to hear you say it before I did this again.”

He shut her up immediately with a heat searing kiss, Earth shattering to her very core. He had to hold her hips still to not rock against him so much because he wouldn’t control himself if the situation arose, to something else that neither of them were ready for just yet.

She tugged in his hair graciously, edging him on to kiss her deeper and not let go. A moan shattered the back of his throat, skating his fingers up her back in an effort for her to know how he was feeling.

“I’m not gonna let you go. I let you go before and I don’t plan on doing so now.” He whispered against her lips softly.

She whispered back to him. “I don’t plan on seeing you leave me either.”

The pair spent the rest of the night cuddled on top of one another, drifting back to sleep with lazy kisses. With hopes of an amazing premiere day, these two were thicker than ever.

_________

@maddiestundentwritergaines | @honeychicana | @dc41896 | @themyscxiras | @fumbling-fanfics | @crushed-pink-petals | @swirlevans | @4ftwonder | @bugngiz | @mangos4u | @titty-teetee

[fawntics]

My Fandoms~

Euphoria - I was hesitant to watch Euphoria at first because I saw people comparing it to Skins, even going as far as to say it was better than Skins. But after seeing clips and hearing about more of the show, I decided to give it a watch and I have to say it’s one of the best shows I’ve ever watched. Not only am I amazed by the accuracy of the show with it’s depecition of adolescence in the 21st Century, but by how amazingly talented these actors are. The casting is literal perfection. The fact they took actors we knew and loved, actors we’d never even heard about and actors who’d never even starred in anything before and put them together is so admirable and works so well. I have nothing but positive things to say, to be honest.

Skins - I obviously mentioned Skins before, so you knew this was coming. Skins is problematic. I think most people are aware of this, but it’s why it sets it apart from other shows like Euphoria. I think my take on Skins is that it has to ‘glamorise’ things like sex, parties and drugs to really show you what it’s like to be a teenager, especially in places like Bristol where Skins takes place. I love Skins beyond that though. It gave a platform to many young aspiring actors in the 2000′s that many people who probably have never even watched Skins know such as Kaya Scodelario, Dev Patel, Daniel Kaluuya and Hannah Murray, to name a few. There’s too many reasons why I love Skins, so I’ll definitely make more posts talking about it.

Nirvana - I’m not sure if this fandom even thrives on Tumblr anymore, or if it even did, but I’ll mention this anyway. My love for Nirvana is basically never-ending. They are probably my most favourite band in the entire world. Obviously as someone who wasn’t born in the 20th Century, I did find Nirvana through Smells Like Teen Spirit, but honestly, it’s not my favourite song by them and I’m sure people who’ve actually dived into their discography know this. I used to say that Nevermind was my favourite album because I liked many of the songs and I hadn’t really cared for In Utero, but now that’s completely flipped and I genuinely cannot get enough of In Utero. Anyways, I don’t think talking about this forever will be a good idea- so expect more posts about Nirvana in the future.

Hands Off Gretel - Not many people have heard of Hands Off Gretel but I definitely will be talking about them ALL the time. They’re a punk rock band from Yorkshire and are honestly the best underrated band I’ve ever heard. Lauren Tate (who is the front-woman of the band) is genuinely one of the most talented singer-songwriters I’ve ever heard. The band is just incredibly empowering and a good listen if you miss the sounds of bands like Hole, Nirvana and Babes In Toyland (a few examples I know of). If you haven’t heard of them, I suggest listening to I Want The World, which is an album they released back in 2019. I also suggest giving their new EP: The Angry, which was released in March of this year, a listen!

Skinny Girl Diet - Again, similar to Hands Off Gretel, Skinny Girl Diet are a highly underrated punk band from London. Their early sound is very grunge, apparent in songs like Dimethyltryptamine and Eyes That Paralyse. I’ve never listened to a punk band which only consisted of female members, but honestly it’s the best experience ever. The power Delilah and Ursula Holliday have is honestly breathtaking, even better when adding their cousin Amelia Cutler to the mix (however, she recently left the band in 2018).  I seriously suggest giving their albums Heavy Flow (2016) and Ideal Woman (2018) a listen, because they really are something special.

Delilah Holliday - I believe Skinny Girl Diet has taken a short break from making music, however, Delilah Holliday has kept making her own solo music and it’s far different from Skinny Girl Diet’s grunge sound. Instead of blaring guitar solos, she uses soul and wistful lyrics that literally entangle you into another dimension where women are the supreme leaders of the world. And that isn’t even a joke- Songs like If You Care (which was released a few days ago), Rise of the Phoenix and Babylon have vibes so immaculate I just cannot help but play them on repeat. I’ve never been into soul music, but Delilah is definitely convincing me that I like it. 

Hole - I don’t know if many people who love Nirvana listen to Hole, but I am one of those people. Hole is probably my favourite band as of right now. Live Through This is the most beautiful album I’ve ever listened to. Songs that definitely stand out for me are Gutless, Credit In The Straight World, I Think That I Would Die and She Walks On Me. The anger, sadness and overall just powerful attitude is enough for me to fall utterly in love with every song. Some posts I would love to make are about my theories surround Kurt Cobain’s death and how everyone suspects Courtney, but I’d like to do more research so I can back my claims and theories with actual evidences and credible sources, because I personally disagree with that.

That’s all for now! Obviously I’ll update this with any other fandoms I feel like consistently blogging about.

[harrystylesandblackgirls]

Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes Timeline - The beginning

[S] Stands for speculation.

This isn’t exactly where it began but Hailey was crushing on Shawn in 2013 and Shawn responded.

October - November 2013

Hailey was 16, Shawn was 15 and he was in a relationship with Lauren at this time (2013 - 2015)

October 7, 2016

Hailey’s cousin tweeted this:

February 2017 Hailey wrote this about Shawn in ‘The Love Magazine’

(later in 2018 Shawn says that he and Hailey met through mutual friends)

Around summer 2017 it’s speculation that he starts thinking about/ texting Hailey because of a song he was working on.

 [SPECULATION] June 18, 2017

Shawn has an unreleased song called, “She’ll be the one”, which some think could possibly be about Hailey! A fan asked what it’s about and he said in July 15, 2017 “It’s basically a song about you haven’t met this girl yet but you can kind of just tell that she’ll be the first girl to break your heart just because you can tell you’ll be in love with her before even meeting her type of thing‬”.

Genius lyric description: Shawn knows that this girl will be the one who will cause Shawn heartbreak, like in most relationships, yet he can’t bring it in himself to let her go. Despite knowing she will cause him pain, he is asking himself how he can not try to make the relationship work as he is already crushing hard on this girl.

[SPECULATION] July 13, 2017

He posts lyrics to “That’s Amore” on his Snapchat. It’s about a guy that falls in love with a girl.

🐥 July 16, 2017 Hailey liked Khalid’s tweet

  “damn catching feelings for someone ain’t a joke lol that shit really throw you off by surprise sometimes”

[S] August 4, 2017 Camila’s song that a lot of fans think it’s about Shawn, “All these years” was wrote in July/August.

So Camila Cabello wrote a song called “All these years” that fans say is about Shawn Mendes. And the more I read the lyrics it may be true. Especially this line: “Couldn’t help but overhear you,Sounds like you’re happy with her But does she kiss you like I kissed you?” She said “it’s really personal”.

 Did Shawn and Camila even ever kissed before?

 IF this song is about Shawn, Hailey and Shawn definitely started getting close earlier than fans say (they say October but why else would Hailey visit his concert August 16th when she never had before? Hmmm)

“Sounds like you’re happy with her”. Could definitely be about Hailey! She released a clip of this song on her instagram live feed August 4th, hence the date up top.

 People say his song, “Why” is not only about Camila but also a response to this song, “All these years”

August 15, 2017

Justin posted a picture of Shawn and said: “What a LEGEND. @shawnmendes” I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with Shawn getting with / talking to Hailey  (who was Justin’s ex at this time)

1 Day later...

🚨IT ALL KINDA STARTS HERE 👇

August 16, 2017 - Hailey Baldwin News on Twitter: “More of Hailey Baldwin with fans at Shawn Mendes’s concert in Brooklyn, NYC.”

September 4, 2017

🐥Hailey retweeted Madison Beer: “Two souls don’t just meet by accident”.

September 17, 2017

🐥Shawn liked a tweet: “keep love songs alive”

🐥September 25, 2017

Hmmm could be about Hailey. I think they’ve probably been texting/talking longer than fans think (fans think October, I think longer! maybe July/ Aug)

👆Hailey retweeted the show more love tweet it’s obvious they were talking before October! They just got caught first in October at the same concert.

October 2, 2017

Cryptic tweeting.

October 7, 2017

October 22, 2017 (Sunday)

Matching Tattoos, Sunday Dinner, Night Clubs.

*I put Sunday because in his lyrics in “Nervous” he says: “I saw you on a SUNDAY in a “cafe’”… 👀 I saw a fan say he said cafe’ to change it up but it was actually a restaurant.. hmmm

AND SAME DAY (early before it all) THEY TWEETED “craY” and Shawn followed Hailey on instagram and liked that picture of Hailey and Justin.

They both got matching tattoos later. Shawn got “8” (August 8) for his birthday and Hailey got “22” for her birthday (November 22) THEY GOT IT OCTOBER 22, 2017 BECAUSE SAME OUTFITS AND TINASHE IS WEARING THE SAME HAIR AND SHIRT IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE RESTAURANT PICTURE

At the restaurant around this time her sister posted this on her instagram story (clearly about Shawn). So she did like Shawn back? Hailey was saying in the video “STOOPAA” while blushing (smiling hard)  “Stop” in a long cute way as if she was talking to Shawn himself. (video)

They’re leaving a night club together (video)

October 29, 2017

Hailey and Shawn went to “Universal Halloween Horror Night” together (video)

October 31, 2017 - November 1, 2017

“Is there a hot new couple in town?”

“While hosting a Halloween party with her BFF Kendall Jenner at The h.wood Group’s Delilah in West Hollywood, Hailey Baldwin spent quality time with Shawn Mendes.

“He had his arm around Hailey and stayed by her side all night,” a source tells PEOPLE, adding that the duo left the bash together at 1 a.m. holding hands.

Last month, Baldwin, 20, and Mendes, 19, fueled dating rumors when they were spotted at Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights and enjoying dinner together a few days before.”

Picture of them at the same Halloween party (Hailey top right, Shawn bottom left)

November 5, 2017

He’s deep in album 3 aka writing lyrics and working on his album where a lot of the songs are about Hailey Baldwin and it’s scarily obvious!  

November 10, 2017

November 12, 2017 - EMAs

EMAs Backstage:

Hailey: “Hi darling”

(Shawn Talks about noise etc. audience..)

Shawn: “You’ll be fine. You’ll be good”.

(video)

November 12 - 13, 2017 - EMAs after pary

People at the party says they were making out.

”Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes reportedly only had eyes for each other as they were spotted ‘French kissing’ at the 2017 MTV EMAs after party in London on Sunday night.

According to The Sun, the 20-year-old blonde bombshell and Canadian singer, 19, were infatuated with each other as they packed onto the PDA for everyone to see.

[Hot new couple? Hailey Baldwin and Shawn Mendes reportedly only had eyes for each other as they were spotted 'French kissing’ at the 2017 MTV EMAs after party in London on Sunday night]

A source told the publication: 'The place was packed with stars but Shawn only had eyes for Hailey. It clearly wasn’t a one-time thing.

'They looked like they were seriously into each other. It was a very exclusive bash and Shawn and Hailey were really enjoying themselves, spending ages French kissing.

'They even posed for a photo with Rita. It seemed like they wanted everyone to know they are an item,’ it was concluded.

They were clearly an item’: According to The Sun, the model, 20, and Canadian singer, 19, (Pictured with MTV EMA host Rita Ora) were infatuated with each other as they packed onto the PDA

It was continued: 'They looked like they were seriously into each other. It was a very exclusive bash and Shawn and Hailey were really enjoying themselves, spending ages French kissing’

He stayed by her all night’: This isn’t the first time the pair have fuelled romance rumours as earlier this month they reportedly left their pal Kendall Jenner’s Halloween bash hand-in-hand at 1am, according to People.”

(she got back with Justin 6 months later...)

November 15, 2017

A news video says that Shawn and Hailey face times each other and texts each other several times a day. And apparently after the EMA’s they went home together. (November 13, 2017)

Video: 

Another news article November 16, 2017

Our insider added, “A few months ago they were sneaking out of public venues like Delilah while trying to not make a scene and now they have gone on private vacations to Europe. Their relationship has grown and they don’t care if anyone sees them now.”

“Hailey is not one to make things a huge deal, but Shawn worships her,” our source shared. “He is definitely considerate of her busy schedule and her feelings. They are really cute together.”

While things are still very much in the early stages, fans can’t help but wonder if a red carpet debut is in this pair’s future. After all, Shawn is performing at the 2017 American Music Awards this weekend.Until then, those close to the couple appear to be in favor of this new relationship. “Hailey’s friends think Shawn is great because he is ‘chill and relaxed’ and is very supportive of Hailey,” our source shared.

Also on this day they later tweeted this:

November 17, 2017

He posts on instagram story of him singing “isn’t she lovely” by Stevie Wonder and fans were saying it’s for/ about Hailey (video)

November 18, 2017 

Sharing the same Hotel room.

A fan ran into Shawn and Hailey outside of their hotel.

November 19, 2017

She wore the same clothes that she was wearing when she was hanging out with Shawn that means she didn’t bring any other clothes. She was in LA only for a night and that night she “hanged out” with shawn🤔

November 23, 2017

Shawn tweeted this. And this is around the time he sent flowers to Hailey, her cousin posted the roses on her instagram story, it was for Hailey’s Birthday which is on 11/22.

Hailey liked Shawn’s tweet about Daniel’s music (below). Daniel makes very very sensual/ romantic songs and Shawn says he’s feeling it on a PHYSICAL level meaning that’s how he’s feeling at the moment. (and later on in the next month in December he and Hailey went to his concert in Toronto together)

November 24, 2017

Hailey tweets lyrics from the song “Can’t Help Falling In Love”

He liked a lot of pictures of her when they were into eachother.

December 2, 2017

Hailey liked (and then unliked) this tweet

And then she tweeted this right after she liked it

A lot of the replies are only about Shawn including:  “Yes @haileybaldwin we know that this tweet it’s for @ShawnMendes you can’t hide it, just admit it, you cant with such beauty, welcome to the club hun😂”

December 20, 2017 

Shawn and Hailey were caught PDA-ing at a Daniel Caesar's concert at The Danforth Music Hall in Toronto, Canada  . They were spotted holding hands and cuddling. In one pic, you can see Hailey resting on Shawn's chest:

December 21, 2017

Hailey was with Shawn when he got his bird tattoo in Toronto.

December 22, 2017

 They were hanging out in Tornonto , Canada

**READ MORE UNDER (THIS IS LONG)!!**

December 23, 2017

They went out to dinner together (video)

December 26, 2017

Hailey tweeted (but then deleted): “Always too good to be true”.

December 29, 2017

Hailey tweeted this. Some people think it’s about Shawn getting with another girl and some think it’s about Selena and Justin.

December 31, 2017

2 days later, Shawn’s friend Geoff unfollowed Hailey on instagram. (some also said Andrew also unfollowed Hailey).

- Shawn and Hailey both liked each other’s New Year’’s post.

January 3, 2018

Shawn tweeted: “Back in the studio this month to finish the album... x” You know what that means? inspiration + lyrics = songs about his experience.

January 16, 2018

Hailey follos a Shawn fan account on Twitter.

  @shawnwwreports : “Hailey just followed us ”

And later she tweets this which fans believe it’s possibly about Shawn:

February 1, 2018

Shawn tweeted this and ya know damnnnn well who he’s talking about.. HAILEY. Just like his lyrics from his song Particular Taste, “I’m so obsessed with her”. Fans said he deleted it so fast after he tweeted it.

February 19, 2018

Hailey liked a tweet: “You run my mind boy”

February 25, 2018

Hailey liked a tweet: “We’re not in love but I’ll make love to you”.

March 9, 2018

Shawn liked a picture of Hailey on instagram (first liked picture of hers since December 31, 2017) maybe they got into it about their “zone of limbo aka friends with benefits” relationship so maybe the song “Perfectly Wrong” is about her? (about arguing, then having makeup sex..)

[S] Vanity Fair party

Fans say he looked upset after the party some say looks like he was looking for somebody:

April 3, 2018

He also tagged her in this picture lol and fans say it looks like he has a hickey.

She also posted these pictures of Shawn on her tumblr (this is also the last post she ever made)

From her instagram story that day:

May 3, 2018

May 5, 2018

Justin leaves a comment on Shawn’s instagram. This shows Justin knows about him and Hailey and is jealous. It all makes sense since Hailey went back to Justin weeks after this smh.

Hailey dances and sings along to Shawn’s song, “There’s nothing holding me back” in the NYC streets. It was very intentional that her friend was recording her and her friend was like yeah I know you know this song (video)

May 6, 2018

Shawn is obviously tweeting about Hailey. This is a day before their appearance at the Met Gala.

May 7, 2018 - The Met Gala

They were very touchy at the met, there’s chemistry. He was holding onto her waist while she was sitting in his lap. And he couldn’t stop touching her on the red carpet.

Interview before the gala Shawn says this:

(he wrote songs about Hailey on his album)

And Shawn and Hailey posted several pictures on their instagrams

Aww he even gave her his jacket after the met (bitch must’ve been cold)

May 9, 2018 article

May 15, 2018 

(video of her instagram story below)

May 18, 2018

She’s wearing Shawn’s merchandise, the “Youth” sweater. Could possibly be one he wore or he gave her her own.

  May 20, 2018

- Hailey was with Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun (which started the rumors that she’s getting back with Justin)

- Hailey singing and dances along to Shawn’s performance of “Youth” at the Billboard Music Awards  (video)

- And also this day Justin leaves that comment on Hailey’s instagram picture and fans think that meant they started back talking.

This is when it went downhill. It’s obvious Hailey and Justin Bieber started talking again in late May, so this was the end of Shawn and Hailey.

Tune into Part 2 : The End <<click.

[jbuffyangel]

The Weekly Rundown (10/07/18-10/13/18)

Sorry so late! I’m getting caught up on articles. Almost there :) Time to rundown what I’m watching, loving, hating and everything in between! Spoilers ahead!

God Friended Me (”The Good Samaritan”)

Confession time: I didn’t pay very close attention to this week’s episode, but Miles and Cara continue to be adorable. Pretty sure I ship it.

Manifest (”Turbulence”)

I’m not really feeling the chemistry between Josh Dallas and Athena Karkanis. However, the chemistry between  Melissa Roxburgh and JR Ramirez is smoldering.

Josh Dallas is my blue eye baby who makes me feel all the things. He conveyed so many emotions without saying a word in the scene where Ben and Grace discussed the man in her life. WOW!    

I want to believe Grace is in love with Ben and not Danny (because it's Josh Dallas and that's all the reason she needs), but I'm not buying it... yet

The whole twins being different ages is a never ending mind bender.

Seriously though what did Ben do for a living?

The Gifted (“coMplications”)

All I want is for Marcos to hold Dawn forever and snuggle with Lorna. Why can’t I have the things that I want?

But seriously though these Marcos and baby scenes are killing me.

Marcos fighting the Frost sister’s mind control was amazing. He was ready to tear everything apart to get his Lorna and his baby. SO HOT.

Andy, buddy what are you doing? Sure, they gave you a better hair cut and cool clothes, but Reeva is crazy. Tell me you know that boy!

I’m having trouble understanding why Reed didn’t want to tell his wife and daughter his powers were coming back. He has two mutant children! They tried to equate Lauren’s fear of “coming out” to Reed’s but it’s just not the same. He was her parent and he hunted mutants. She legitimately feared her father’s rejection. Reed isn’t in the same situation at all and I see no reason to for him to be lying to everyone for months.

Kate hugs Reed once he tells her the truth, which is nice, but were we really expecting her to reject him? Did the writers forget they have two mutant children?

The Gifted blew past all the build up to Clarice and John’s relationship and now they’ve sewn the seeds for the break up - in the third episode. This whole “Clarice is a spy for the Erg and lies to John about it” storyline is only going one place. John is doing his fair share of lying and pushing Clarice away. Needless to say I am unhappy with how this relationship is being handled.

F.B.I. (“Green Birds” and  “Prey”)

Finally got caught up on F.B.I. I thought “Prey” was a much stronger episode than “Green Birds.” 

I am so glad they cast Sela Ward! I love her. Her character is much more likable as Maggie and Omar’s boss.

I’m here for Omar doing hot things because Omar is hot. I feel warm every time he talks about his military experience. 

Still a little iffy about this show, but I’ll stick with it for now.

This Is Us (Katie Girls)

The depth of my hate for Jack's father knows no bounds.

"Or you can stay and I'll kill him." Honestly, I was okay with that option too Jack.

Randall is a mess watching his brother's movie and I stan this bromance so hard.

I am really freaking glad Randall is taking Kate on because I AM SO MAD AT HER.

Well that conversation swerved quickly. Stay on point Randall.

Okay well now we're off on a whole other thing and Kate is crying. Good grief children.

Not sure how Randall & Kate's discussion became a fight about adoption. The point was to discuss Kate's insensitivity regarding her remark about being the only person able to pass on Jack's genes. How did she turn it into Randall's insensitivity about her miscarriage?

Beth, Miguel and Toby having a group text to discuss their messed up in laws is AMAZING.

Randall is terrible at apologizing but also WHY IS HE APOLOGIZING?

I'm trying to hang with my girl Kate here. I've had a miscarriage and it's devastating, but your personal pain is not an excuse to be hurtful to others. Understanding where Randall was coming from was not a long bridge to cross.

I am so relating to Kevin putting the pieces together regarding Jack's service.

Beth got fired? NOOOOOO. My Beth!  

Toby's reaction to Randall showing up was gold.

KATE AND JACK ARE DREAM SEQUENCING AND I AM NOT OKAY. Btw Jack could you advise Kate to stop being such a jackass to Randall? Thanks bro.

Awkward Rebecca and Jack is the worst. You are soul mates kids. Get it together.  

Jack wants to marry you Rebecca and have lots and lots of babies. You are his dream.

I hope Randall and Beth have 9 months of savings. Suze Orman says you need 9 months of savings.

Marriage is never 50/50. But I think Beth and Randall have been going 90/10 for awhile and it's time for that ratio to shift.

I love how the writers find commonality in their characters in ways you never thought of before. Randall and Toby sharing their struggles with depression and anxiety was such a beautiful way to bond these characters

Kate wanted to marry Mark Paul Gosselar. Same girl.

"You came across the country to say you are sorry. That's the most Dad move ever." HELLO KATE. NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. You could have added that he didn't need to apologize and you are the one who is sorry but I don't want to editorialize too much. Carry on.)

Rebecca pulled a Jack Pearson on Jack Pearson. EPIC.

Marry you the man who does dishes. 

A Million Little Things (”Save The Date”)

HOLY. FREAKING. CRAP. THEY. ALL. FOUND. OUT. That was fast y’all! Wow!

If we’re blowing past the big affair secret does that mean we’ll find out the reason John killed himself? It’s an annoying mystery. Cough up the answers, show.

All the awards to Grace Park. She’s been sadly under utilized on this show until now and boy did she come out swinging. The scenes where she confronts Eddie and Delilah were amazing. 

I cheered when Grace slapped Eddie. I have no sympathy for him. He’s cheating because his wife is gone at work all the time? It’s called a mortgage jackass. Guitar lessons aren’t going to get it done. 

It irritates me when people act like they have no choice in who they sleep with. Eddie is walking around like falling in love with Delilah was an accident. Listen pal you are a grown ass man. You made choices. Own it. Cheating is such a mean thing to do.  Nobody is forcing anyone to stay in these marriages. Get a divorce before you go hopping into bed with someone else.

I’m only slightly less angry with Delilah but that’s only because her husband jumped off a building. Her scene where she screams to friends to ask if she was the reason John killed himself was gutting. Guit is a bitch.

By the way, even if Jon made his peace with the affair it doesn’t make the affair okay. Also, nobody asked for Katherine’s opinon. Pretty sure she’d tell everyone where to stick if if they’d did though.

I feel like Gary is representing the audience in this episode, i.e. me. I don’t think the writers needed to muddy the water with Gary’s issues with marriage, his parents divorce and his birthday. I understand Jon and Delilah were his shining example of marriage bliss, but we didn’t need to make this about his childhood trauma. His anger was warranted by itself. Delilah and Eddie did an awful thing.

We need to move it along with Maggie’s storyline. She’s the friends-with-benefit-rando-friend-everyone-just-met-but-pretend-like-they’ve-known-her-since-always. Her impermanence in all of these people’s lives makes the level she’s included in things... odd. Let’s get the cancer out in the open and solidify her relationships - particularly with Gary. 

Blindspot (“Hella Duplicitous”)

Jane's hair is long. That's how ya know she's evil again

Seriously how do they not know Remi is back? She's so cranky. Jane is much more cheerful. Also, I feel like her voice is three octaves lower.

Remi can fight with samurai swords. Who knew? A list of all of her skills would be great.

Do I call her Remi or Jane y'all? I'm going with Remi for now.

Remi's impression of Jane being worried about Kurt was pretty spot on. Well played evil one.

Anyone else enjoying Remi looking all murdery every time anyone mentions Roman is dead? Same girl. Except I'm sad Luke Mitchell isn't on the show anymore not murdery because that'd be weird.

Jane's dying except she's Remi so like that's a double dose of suck.

Oh score. Cure. This is like Elena being vampire. They'll fix it. I ain't worried. Imma gonna get Jeller babies. Or should I say PLEEEEEEEEEASE give me Jeller babies.

OH MY GOD SHE'S HALLUCINATING ROMAN. Luke Mitchell IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so here for Roman being the crazy voice in Jane/Remi's head.

Sorry Remi. Your super evil terrorist group is canceled. Sorry not sorry girl. Watch Season 1-Season 3 and catch up girl.

Two Sandstorm operatives is more like a club than a terrorist group, but okay Remi. Gotta start somewhere I guess.

It's weird that the cure is re-erasing Remi's memories but also let's re-erase Remi's memories. I ain't a fan.

Damn. Blake is dead? That... was unexpected. Okay so now I'm imagining that Blake and Roman are happy in heaven together. Leave me to my dream.

Kurt is scared... I love you my cupcake.

Wiping her memory and meeting Kurt Weller was the best thing that ever happened to Remi because she's not nice and Jane is awesome. Kudos to Blindspot for reinforcing their central love story while also wreaking absolute havoc on it.

Is Zapata evil now? Is everybody evil now?

Weitz is director. Ugh.

"You can't keep watching me all the time." Girl, he does that when you are totally healthy. Kurt Weller giving Jane fuzzy bunny stares is the show. Seriously, someone show Remi S1-S3.

Haha. She squeezed Kurt too hard to hurt him. What a bitch. Also awesome.

Zapata's smile when she sees Reade on TV. Girl go home.

Rich and Patterson are gonna cure Jane using Santa magic and it's gonna be friggin awesome.

Reciting the wedding video is creepy Remi.

Noooo.... don't break out Mama Shepherd. She be crazier than you Remi and at this point that's saying A LOT. 

[themoonlightarchive]

2018 was a wild ride for me. I had to move twice - willingly at first and then because our house was being sold from under us. I was in a car accident that completely totaled my car, leaving me stranded for two weeks until we could get approved for a new car. My best friend who I met through Tumblr over five years ago came to visit me for the first time ever. And I got married! Throughout all of that, I somehow managed to reach my goal of 40 books for the year (and then some). Read below the cut for the rest of my 2018 wrap-up!

Here are the 44 books I read:

A Darker Shade of Magic (V.E. Schwab)

A Gathering of Shadows (V.E. Schwab)

A Conjuring of Light (V.E. Schwab)

The Witch Doesn't Burn In This One (Amanda Lovelace)

Tonic (Staci Hart)

The Belles (Dhonielle Clayton)

Sex, Not Love (Vi Keeland)

A Little Too Late (Staci Hart)

To All The Boys I've Loved Before (Jenny Han)

Honeybee (Traci Mateer)

An Ember In The Ashes (Sabaa Tahir)

Intoxicated (Jeana E. Man)

Good Girl (Jana Aston)

Accidental Fiance (R.R. Banks)

Stuck (Logan Chance)

A Shadow Bright And Burning (Jessica Cluess)

The Virgin and The Beast (Stasia Black)

Rockaway Bride (Pippa Grant)

Bigshot Boss (Cat Carmine)

Addicted To You (Krista Ritchie)

Dirty Girl (Meghan March)

Glass Sword (Victoria Aveyard)

The Billionaire's Wake-Up-Call Girl (Annika Martin)

P.S. I Still Love You (Jenny Han)

Always And Forever, Lara Jean (Jenny Han)

Pretty Fierce (Kieran Scott)

The Girls At 17 Swann Street (Yara Zgheib)

Soft Thorns (Bridgett Devoue)

A Shameless Little Con (Meli Raine)

Labyrinth Lost (Zoraida Córdova)

A Shameless Little Lie (Meli Raine)

Dirty Neighbor (Cassie-Anne L. Miller)

Stranded (Piper Sullivan)

Undead Girl Gang (Lily Anderson)

War of Storms (Erica Cameron)

Savor You (Kristen Proby)

My Best Everything (Sarah Tomp)

Since You've Been Gone (Morgan Matson)

Vanishing Girls (Lauren Oliver)

Opal (Maggie Stiefvater)

Queen of Klutz (Samantha Garman)

Sugar and Ice (Aven Ellis)

His Package (Penelope Bloom)

Four Day Fling (Emma Hart)

And here are my top ten reads of the year:

1. A Darker Shade of Magic (V.E. Schwab) goodreads | amazon | book depository

I put off reading this series for a while but finally bought all three of them at once and I am so glad that I did. I absolutely adored Kell and Delilah and reading of their journey together. If you’re a fan of magic and fantasy, this series is perfect for you!

2. A Gathering of Shadows (V.E. Schwab) goodreads | amazon | book depository 3. A Conjuring of Light  (V.E. Schwab) goodreads | amazon | book depository 4. An Ember In The Ashes  (Sabaa Tahir) goodreads | amazon | book depository

I actually won a copy of this from a Goodreads giveaway (only the second I’ve ever won over the years I’ve had an account)! And it was only shortly after having added it to my wishlist. Such an interesting story and beautiful writing. I’m not entirely sure why I haven’t picked up the rest of the series yet. Hopefully I’ll get to them soon!

5. The Girls at 17 Swann Street (Yara Zgheib) goodreads | amazon | book depository

I received a copy of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review. I don’t know what I was expecting but it definitely wasn’t such beautiful writing, a heartbreaking story and great characters. It was truly wonderful to read. I highly recommend it to anyone just for the insight into eating disorders.

6. Labyrinth Lost (Zoraida Córdova) goodreads | amazon | book depository

In all honesty, my expectations for Labyrinth Lost were too high going in. I was left with a book that turned out much differently than I thought it was going to and feeling a little bit put off. I enjoyed the writing and the characters and hope that one day revisiting it will fuel my desire to continue the series.

7. Since You’ve Been Gone (Morgan Matson) goodreads | amazon | book depository

This book was sososo good! I thought it was going to be a quick, cute read that I liked but didn’t love. But I got so much more from it. It was funny and sad and I truly enjoyed reading it. I even cried a little at the end (ask my husband, he was there)! I highly recommend it.

8. War of Storms (Erica Cameron) goodreads | amazon | book depository

I was given the opportunity to read this trilogy by the author and publisher. I was so excited when I was contacted to read War of Storms. This series is so unique, diverse and interesting. It so easily kept me captivated. It’s definitely worth a read!

9. The Witch Doesn't Burn In This One (Amanda Lovelace) goodreads | amazon | book depository

Amanda Lovelace is magical. Is there really anything else to say? I loved this one as much as her first and I can’t wait to get my hands on the rest of her work. She’s a wonderful writer and I aspire to be as great as her.

10. Sex, Not Love (Vi Keeland) goodreads | amazon | book depository

I had to throw one of the many romance novels I read into my top ten. This one was hilarious, steamy and wonderful.

2019 Goals

For 2019, I’d like to read 40 books. I want to aim for more but I don’t want to cause unneeded stress because of a number. Maybe next year! Aside from that, I’d like to read more poetry and less romance novels. I think I say that every year though and always end up right back to my smutty ways. Oh well, no regrets.

Did you reach your goals for 2018? What are your goals for the new year?

[babylon-bitch]

Just Friends ~ Filled With Guilt And Sadness (part 30)

*trigger warning*

A/N: depression and self harm is something I’ve suffered with throughout the years. I didn’t just add that into the story for story or romantic purposes, I’ve suffered with it couple of years. I’m a lot better and happier now than I ever have been, and I’m so greatful for the people around me, as well as this whole community. I included this aspect of life into the story to raise awareness to the subject and to help people who are suffering right now. An important message: it does get better, it may not feel like it, just trust me. Give yourself some time, surround yourself with great people or get rid of the people that are making your life a dark misery. Please feel free to come talk to me about anything on your mind.

Harper White is best friends with Luke Hemmings, they always have been. Not only is she friends with the rockstar, but with the rest of 5 Seconds Of Summer, as well as a really nice girl named Erika.

Harper has a few secrets, she can play all the instruments the boys play and many more. It’s a talent she has kept hidden, only very few people know.

What will happen to the six teens, wondering around the world together?

Warnings: mentions of depression, self harm, swearing

***

I can’t do this anymore. I’m fucking miserable, I feel like I take the life out of every room when I walk in. I feel like I will never be happy again. Everything is so dull and everything aches. It’s like I want to get up but don’t have the energy or I can’t get motivated. A couple of weeks ago, the Sun was finally coming out again, but it’s gone back to dreary grey days. I don’t know if I can go on.

I’ve been in England for about a week and a bit. I’ve gone and seen the therapist Lauren told me about, and she is a really kind person. I love it but at the same time I absoloutly hate it. She helps me but as soon as I step out the building, everything sinks again. I had one other therapist in my life but he didn’t really know what he was doing, and my mum dragged me to go see him when he did fuck all.

I’ve gone and looked at universities whilst I’ve been here, got my eye set on a couple. I visited my brothers and Evie the other day whilst I was looking around a university, not the same one though, they were in the same area whilst I was on my way, popped over to their apartments and we caught up for a while. Evie did the loudest squeal when I told her about me and Luke, I think I’ve gone partially deaf in one ear.

The guys come home today I think, and I feel guilty that I’m not gonna be there. I know, I just know Luke is going to be bursting with excitement, but then when he finds out his best friend isn’t going to be their he will be a little upset. I think he knows I’ve done a ‘runner’, I think Luke has a clue where I am, but I’m not entirely sure.

I miss him so much. I knew I’d miss him but I didn’t think this much. It feels like he is the only one that can help me and I feel like he knows that.

I’m planing on going back home soon, I’m just trying to brace myself for the interrogation, especially if the boys are back. They all have a right to question me, I get that, I’m just not prepared.

Would it be bad if I got home and didn’t say anything for a couple of days?

It’s been alright here though, seeing family again, that made a real smile form on my face.

When we all got home from the club the other day, we stayed at my house and I had one of the worst hangovers ever. I literally drank all my problems away. I didn’t get a tattoo this time though. We ended up doing a pub crawl and that really wasn’t wise. I’m surprised my legs haven’t fallen off from all the grinding I did, I didn’t grind with other people, just Delilah and Laura, and a couple of times with Elliot.

I did some bad stuff that night, I did some drugs, some I don’t even know what they were. Just anything to escape from reality, but it was only like fog. Yeah, the drugs had their effects, but I didnt quite escape from reality. I could still sense reality, it was like a fog blanket but I could still see through it, and that made me go onto the more hard-core stuff.

The others did it with me, so I wasn’t just on my own, going on a wild goose chase. I was in a pretty bad shape for the next couple of hours.

I haven’t become some drug addict, that was just a one off and I don’t plan on doing anymore anytime soon.

It wasn’t my best moment.

I’m currently round Lauren’s house, once again. Of course I didn’t tell her what I did, I told her I went for a night out and that’s all she knows. She might’ve told my parents and I would never be allowed to come back on my own for a while.

Understandably so.

“So I was thinking of going back home soon.” I claim.

“Oh really? When?” She questions.

“Next few days probably, I’ve had my time and its not fair to leave my friends out of the loop, especially Luke.” I tell her.

“Are you ready?” She asks.

“I haven’t really got a choice, I’ve got school. I already feel bad for not being there when the guys come home today. Should I feel this guilty?”

“Honey, I’ve told you this before, and I’m gonna tell you again, put yourself first!” She chuckles.

“I can’t, but I’m alright with it.” I shrug.

“Okay, but just keep that advice.” She smiles.

“Yeah, well it’s Friday now, I’ll probably leave tomorrow evening.” I explain.

“Alright, do you want me to drop you off at the station?” She offers.

“Oh that would be great! Thank you.” I give her a small smile.

“Anytime,” Lauren smiles, “What time is your flight?”

“I was looking at some this morning, there’s one at 8:25. You have to be at the airport 3 hours prior on a long haul flight, it takes an hour to get from Brighton to London, so we’ll have to leave at half three to get to the station in time. Ugh traveling is so stressful.”

“Looks like you’ve got it all planned out then,” Lauren says. “When is the next time you’ll visit?”

“I don’t know, maybe in a couple of months, I might have some uni stuff to sort out.”

“Are you sure that’s the one you want to go to?” She questions.

“Yeah, nice area, one of the best in the country. I’m just not entirely sure if I want to study philosophy. It’s either philosophy or psychology, maybe even business studies,” I sigh. “All I’ve gotta do next is choose the right course and get the grades for it.”

“You would do good at philosophy I think, but I’m not exactly sure what you can do with that degree.”

“That’s what stumped me, of course there are things you can do with it, but nothing I’m interested in. I’m not even sure if I will do anything with my degree, I’ll probably just carry on with YouTube.” I explain.

“Who says you even have to go?”

“My parents, I don’t want to disappoint them, although I kinda already have.” I say.

“How?” She questions.

“I’m fucked up. A lot more fucked up than they think.” I shrug.

Luke’s p.o.v.

We are heading home today, and I’m excited to come home and see everyone. Also at the same time I’m worried as shit.

Harper.

Just one word to explain it all. I’m worried about her and I’m worried about our relationship.

I highly doubt that she’ll be here, but a part of me hopes it’ll be like some clichè romantic movie and she is actually there and we live happily ever after. It’ll never happen though.

We’ve all decided to meet up at Ashton’s house. All of our friends and family should be at Ashton’s house, so it’s just a little get together. Someone will be missing though.

Why am I so affected by this?

We’re currently on our way, just coming up Ashton’s road. “You ready boys?” Calum’s sister ask.

“Yep, thanks up for the lift Mali.” Ashton grins.

“Uh, just be prepared, all the mums are really excited.” She warns.

We all climb out the car and make our way up the driveway. Calum knocks on the door and it opens within seconds. “Mum!” Michael grins and hugs her.

“Hello.” She laughs and hugs him back.

The rest of us walk in and hug our own mums. “Everyone else is in the garden.” My mum tells us.

“I was gonna say, so much for a gathering.” Calum laughs.

I walk through to the kitchen and out the back door and into the garden, all of a sudden everyone cheers.

A smile makes its way on my face as I see everyone. “Guys!” Erika shrieks and throws herself at Ashton. He catches her and she wraps her legs around his waist while his arms go around her waist, they talk to each other for a couple of seconds before she detached herself and hugs Michael.

Soon enough she comes to me and I wrap my arms around her shoulders. “How have you been?” I ask.

“Alright, missed you guys though, how about you?” She asks.

“Okay I guess,” Erika gives me a sympathetic smile before hugging me again.

“Well, I better not hold you up, go say hello to everyone.” She says and pats me on the back.

“Speak to you later.” I smile and kiss her head.

I’ve said hello to everyone here and I’ve been having a great time, that one person didn’t show up though. I didn’t really expect any different to be honest. I just miss her so much, things aren’t the same without her.

We’re currently sitting in some chairs drinking some beers, thinking back the whole tour.

I’m going to miss it, I just have stuff to sort out.

I remeber when Harper and I sat on top of the roof, watching the sunset then all the stars. I just turned 17 a couple of days ago, she had her head resting on my shoulder and I had my arm around her. We had our hoodies over our knees because it was quite chilly.

I so very nearly kissed her that night. She was looking up at me so I looked down at her, as I turned our noses brushed and she giggled. My eyes trailed down to her lips then back up to her eyes, she definitely knew what I was looking at. I was about to lean in but I thought about all the possibilities that could go wrong. So I opted for just kissing her nose and then her cheek and she smiled.

I’m so in love with this girl.

***

It’s the next day now and I’m on my way to Harper’s house. She probably won’t be there but it’s worth a shot, plus I can talk to her parents.

Ringing the doorbell and then taking a step back. Sarah opens and sports a small smile.

“Oh, hello Luke! How was tour?” She asks as she brings me in for a hug.

“It was great thanks, how have you been?” I ask.

“Alright, yourself?”

“Um okay I guess.” I say and she gives me a sad smile.

“Well speaking about uh Harper, she is not here at the moment.” She tells me.

“That was exactly what I came over for,” I start off. “Could you tell me uh, about this whole situation?”

“Come in.” She gestures.

I walk past her and into the living room. Sarah sits on a different sofa to me and turns the tv off.

“It’s not really my place to say, love.” She sighs.

“What happened? Where is she?” I question.

“Everything all got a bit too much so she went away. She asked me not to tell anyone, you especially. I have no idea when she is going to come home.”

“But,” I groan. “Okay. Is she alright?”

“I honestly don’t know, she hasn’t spoken to me at all really.”

“When did she leave?” I question.

“Uh, she left a couple of days after she came home.” She claims.

“Could you tell me when she comes home?” I ask.

“Of course honey.” She smiles.

We continue to chat about it all, I feel as if I’m on a game show trying to find the answer.

“Goodbye Sarah.” I smile and pull her into a hug.

“Bye Luke, I’ll keep you updated. I am sorry though, don’t worry about her though, I’m sure she will be fine, she is surrounded by great people.” She says.

“I’ll try not to, but in the mean time, keep slaying Mrs. White.” I laugh and so does she.

“Okay, thanks Luke, tell your mum I said hi.” She calls as I make my way down the drive way.

I wave and smile at her and continue going home.

Harper’s p.o.v.

I’m on my way home right now, I’m walking up my road to my house, it’s really fucking long.

The journey was alright, nothing special, just filled with guilt and sadness. For some reason it was really hard to say goodbye this time, but that’s not where the sadness came from, I already had that, it only just piled on more.

It feels exactly like when I first arrived in england, clad in all black, the only colourful things is my bag where the leather straps are brown. I don’t usually bring that much stuff with me to england because I’ve got clothes and stuff already there.

It’s night time right now so everything is dark, only a few lampposts every now and then.

I’m scrolling through instagram right now and I accidentally like Luke’s post, shit. I hate when that happens. It was a picture of him and the rest of the boys, it’s a good picture, but I don’t know if you know this but I’m trying to keep everything on the down low.

Liking a picture wouldn’t do any harm.

Pocketing my phone and then crossing the road, passing Luke’s house. His light is still on and window is open.

I think I can hear him playing guitar, it’s a bit late for him to be up, it’s 3:35 in the morning. Maybe he has something on his mind.

Carrying on walking, I eventually get to my house. Searching my pockets for my keys, I find nothing but fabric. Patting all of my pockets I still can’t find them. Shrugging off my leather backpack and opening it up.

After checking my bag and double checking my pockets I conclude that I’ve left my keys in England.

Knocking on the door, I wait for someone to answer, after ten minutes of no answer, I take it as they are asleep.

Did I really not tell them I was coming home?

Time for some James Bond shit.

Shrugging my bag back on I start to climb over the gate that goes into the back garden. Swiftly jumping down without any trace of a sound. Trying the back door, that’s locked too.

Walking into the garden I look for possible ways to get in. There is a tree by the spare bedroom window, but I’m gonna have to take a leap of faith and then cling onto the window sill.

Worth a shot. Climbing the tree until I’m on the closest branch to the spare room. Here goes nothing, I jump off the branch and cling onto the window sill, hoisting myself up onto the thin and flimsy piece of plastic. Pushing the window open but it doesn’t budge. Trying the window next to it, it opens up.

I sigh with relief and crawl through the window, jumping down and onto the floor. I made it!

Trying not to wake my parents up, I tip toe through the landing, passing their room as well as others, I finally reach my bedroom. Opening it up a long creak comes out and I cringe before quickly shutting it close.

Running my hand through my hair and letting out a breathe. Everything has been cleaned up and tidied away - thanks mum - it smells great in here too. Shrugging off my bag and dropping it by my door.

I’m really thirsty so I open the door again and expertly miss the steps that creak. I know which ones to avoid because of the amount of times I’ve snuck out to meet Luke, my boyfriends, or all the guys and Erika. Usually to see Luke though.

I bring the Toblerone box and the few Whisper bars that I bought at the airport with me and place them on the island.

Grabbing a glass and filling it up with water and going back up to my room. Crawling into bed and relishing the smell of lemons.

***

The Sun blinds me as I open my eyes and shy away from it, causing me to pull my covers over my head.

Patting my bedside table for my phone and checking the time, 10:15. Deciding I should try and get back into the right timezone, I get up and start getting dressed.

A dark coloured flannel shirt, which is actually Luke’s, a shirt underneath the flannel and some black ripped jeans. I’ll probably wear some boots but for the mean time I’ve just got some trainer socks on.

I do my make up and hair, before go making my way down the stairs. I’m not sure if they know I’m home yet. They probably saw the Toblerone and Whisper bars and are a bit confused.

Well, here’s my chance to reveal myself.

“Morning.” I say.

My mum shrieks.

“Oh my goodness, Harper dear.” She places a hand on her heart.

“I’m home?” I give her a sheepish smile.

“When did you get here?” She questions.

“I’ve always been here what are you talking about?” I joke. “No, uh, I got here last night and I kinda left my keys back in the UK, so I had to do some parkour to get in. Where is dad?”

“He is at work. Why didn’t you just knock on the door?” She ask.

“You think I didn’t? I knocked for about ten minutes, but no answer so I went round the back, climbed the tree and climbed through the spare bedroom window.”

“Sorry about that,” she laughs. “How was it?”

“It was great but shit at the same time. Lauren told me to go to a therapist that helped her. That worked, until I left the building or for a couple of hours. I think I found the university I want to go to, I’ll tell you more about that when dad gets home. Went and visited Josh, Angus and Evie whilst I was looking at universities, caught up with them. Saw Laura and Delilah, as well as Delilah’s new boyfriend, we um, went for a night out, and that’s about it. It was a very chill visit, and I’m glad it was.” I explain.

We end up talking for a while about the whole visit, and her asking about so and so, just giving her a run down of it all.

Then she drops a bombshell.

“So Luke came over a couple of days ago.”

I freeze and my heart races. “Uh, right.” I nod.

“He’s worried about you, you should really go talk to him. At least tell him you’re safe.” She tells me.

“Forget it mum, I’m not talking to him just yet.” I snap.

“Well it was worth a shot.” She sighs and takes her coffee cup to the sink. “Bare it in mind.”

“Whatever.” I roll my eyes.

I’m gonna keep everything on the down low, for a couple of days at least. I’m just not ready to face their wrath.

I know that that’s a bit mean, but you can get why I’m doing it, right?

***

It’s a few of days later and I don’t think I’ve ever been this down before. It feels like the more I do, the more sad I get. It takes all my energy away from me. It takes so much for me to just get up. I haven’t gotten properly ready for the day in days, just a hoodie and some leggings. Haven’t eaten, slept or even thought properly in days.

I want to get better, but I can’t be bothered to.

I’ve had endless calls and texts from everyone and that makes it even worse. Everything is just eating me all up, I feel like I’m going insane.

How do you run from your own mind?

Thing is, no one knows, not even my parents. That is making it even harder, it’s like I’m going through this on my own.

My parents are out for dinner right now I think, so I’m all alone.

I can’t take this anymore, stepping up with shaky legs I walk into the bathroom. Desperately pulling all the draws out before I find what I need. Looking down at the mess I’ve made of the bathroom, all the draws pulled out, some cleaning products and shower stuff.

Opening up the box of razor blades and taking out one.

Looking at myself in the mirror, with the blade in hand. Tears running down my face, everything shaking, knees weak.

Bringing my arm up and tracing the scars that are already there with my fingers.

Why am I this fucked up?

Puncturing my flesh with the corner of the blade and harshly sucking in a breathe.

Slowly dragging the blade across my skin as I sob and curse my self.

Cut after cut it still isn’t doing anything for a minute. It’s like a really shit drug, it only has its effect for a few seconds before there’s just a mess.

Bringing the blade to my arm again and going in deep and feeling my tears falling onto my arm.

Throwing the whole box across the room in frustration. “FUCK!” I scream.

Suddenly feeling lightheaded and my eyesight goes all fuzzy.

[themarissaharrison]

Never Alone | Discord

                                                     DISCORD THREAD #006

Who?: Marissa Harrison, Nicola Sloane @nicolaeisms When?: Sunday August 9th 2020 - Immediately after the ‘Always You’ Self Paragraph Where?: Delilah’s Apartment - Manhattan

Mentions: @cmlopezofficial | Cordelia Lopez (NPC) | Delilah Daniels (NPC) Triggers: death mentions, suicidal thoughts, suicide mentions

PLOT DEVELOPMENT?: YES. Marissa talks about the video from the SP, they discuss some other key parts of how they are feeling. 

Nicola

i need you. nicola already knew that it was serious. it's been hours already since marissa left, and she should've been home by now. they were just getting things ready for their trip in pennsylvania where the vineyard was located, it has been a sitting offer for the bar owner for the past year ever since she started her research on distilleries, now realizing how this one would be better. this is also the first property she is going to share with her family. ever since that night at the parking lot, she had been trying to bury those thoughts in her head and instead focused on taking care of cleo and marissa. she was already dressed up for the day when she received the message from the gallery owner. she quickly said goodbye to cleo, telling her that she'll explain things later. her chauffeur wasn't there yet. she didn't have any choice but head to the garage and hopped in her lexus. she hasn't driven in a while ever since she returned to kingsboro, though she could remember it very well, still. she quickly drove to the location the younger brunette has sent her, followed by the security detail that was assigned to her. the fucking traffic isn't agreeing to her, which made the woman frustrated, she wanted to be there already, like she promised her. finally after making shortcuts around the city, she was finally there. this is some place nicola hasn't been to before, and she was greeted by a mess, everything around the place was a mess. she began looking for her. "riss?" she called out, slipping her hand inside her hoodie's pocket.

Marissa

She dropped her phone on the floor in front of her once she had finishing texting Nicola. She could barely breath, every time she gasped for breath she just cried harder. She felt so desperate, so alone, so frustrated that she was still here. It was selfish, and she knew that and it just made her feel worse. She hadn't wanted this to happen today, she had purposefully not touched a drop of alcohol since Friday night because she was trying avoid this breakdown. But, seeing what she just saw on the cameras, everything started flooding back in, all the pain that she had felt back then and obviously buried so deeply that she'd forgotten it all until now. By the time Nicola arrived, she hadn't calmed down much, her body was still shaking, she was still crying, still tucked into the corner of the room like she was hiding from a monster. She heard Nic call out, and she took as big a breath as she could. "I'm in here..." She called back, knowing Nic was the type of person who could easily just follow the sound of her broken voice.

Nicola

the moment she's heard marissa's voice, she rushed to the room where she heard it from, immediately falling down to her knee when she's seen her. she looked around the room, realizing that was somehow like a study, with a computer which looked like it just finished playing something, something that made marissa into this right now. she carefully draws the woman close to her arm while she takes her place on the floor, sitting down. she immediately rubs the woman's back in attempts to comfort her, kissing the side of her head. "i'm here, baby. i'm here...." she whispers, taking her hand with her own to hold, intertwining their fingers. she then lets it go and slips it under hear hoodie, knowing that it was one of those things that comforts her. nicola whispers "you have me, my love. you have us.....you're not alone. not anymore."

Marissa

Looking up as the door opened again, she saw Nicola and instantly she just burst into tears again. But, these weren't the same as before, they weren't tears of pain or anger or sorrow... She was just relieved... Relieved that she had asked, that she had needed someone and they came, that Nic came... That she wasn't alone. Riss grabbed hold of her the moment she dropped down beside her, the feeling of Nic's hand rubbing on her back bringing a level of comfort she had no idea was possible. I'm here. Two words she longed to hear, now given freely... How did she deserve anything of this? How did she deserve her? Cleo? When Nicola took her hand and slid it up her hoodie, and she could feel her skin on hers, she could feel her warmth... "I'm sorry..." She cried quietly as she pushed into the older woman. "I didn't-- didn't mean-- for this to happen..."

Nicola

nicola was aware of what day it is today, and she understood the pain behind it. it somehow reminded her of the day lauren died, it was supposed to be her last day as part of the force and finally leaving to spend the rest of their lives together, starting a business and just settling down at kingsboro. she takes a deep breath, she was about to space out once again. she had to remind herself that she should be focused on marissa right now. she shakes her head at her apologizing. "ma chère, no...no. there's nothing to be sorry about, okay?" she whispers, kissing the top of her head as she held her in her arms. "you're not alone....not anymore. i've got you, my love....i promise with my life."

Marissa

Riss knew that Nicola understood what she was going through. She understood what it was like to lose a loved one, even though there were such stark differences in how Delilah and Lauren passed away. Marissa was almost... Jealous of how Lauren died, of how Nicola was able to hold onto revenge, able to somehow get some closure, even if Jackson was still alive and it wasn't quite complete yet. With Delilah... She wasn't able to blame anyone. She wasn't able to get revenge, wasn't able to focus on anything other than the fact that she hadn't been enough to stop her from dying. All she was left with was a never ending list of questions. "I-- I just wanted... I just want t-to know why... I wasn't-- I'm not enough," she cried. "Why..."

Nicola

"hey...hey....baby..."nicola cups marissa's face to look at her in the eyes. "you are enough, more than enough. you're worth more than any amount of money or any expensive thing in the world." she plants loving kisses all over her face. "delilah....lauren.....hayden....they've brought us all together for a reason, to look after each other. they've made our paths cross together once more because they know we needed each other. they've brought cleo and cordelia in our lives.....because together, we're....we're stronger. even in the most painful times in our lives. delilah she.....she made sure that you're not alone, like lauren did. i just know.....that they're still looking over us."

Marissa

Marissa looked into Nicola's eyes as the other cupped her face and tried to reassure her of her doubts. She didn't feel like enough, not back then, not now. All she wanted was to be able to love Delilah... She didn't feel like that was too much to ask. Everything went wrong. Everything. She just-- she was just waiting for this to go wrong too. Marissa tried to believe what Nicola was saying, she tried to push that self doubt down. She tried to stop fucking crying. "I don't feel stronger," Marissa gasped a little air. "I don't feel like she's still here... She feels lost-- I-- I feel so lost... Nic..." She closed her eyes tightly, her head collapsing into Nicola's hands. "I don't even know who I am anymore..."

Nicola

"i know.....i know, baby....." nicola herself doesn't feel that much stronger as of late, she has been hurting and trying to shake off that night in her head. now isn't the time. she keeps on telling herself. all she needed to do right now is to be here for marissa and cleo, her girlfriends, just as she promised them. "we have those moments, my love.....where we--we feel lost, we don't feel the stronger version of ourselves. when we don't even feel like ourselves at all. but....don't ever forget that you have me and cleo now...you're not alone in this anymore....that you have me, cleo and cordelia. we go through this and we heal together. you are marissa harrison, and you may not believe it, but you are one of the strongest people i have ever met. you've been through so much, my love. but you're still here, and you've just gotten stronger."

Marissa

Marissa curled up into her arms, her hand gripping onto Nic's side and her other one holding onto the fabric at the bottom of her shirt. She listened, or at least, she tried to listen... She could only really pick out little things of what she was saying, her own head running at a thousand miles and hour, the sounds of her own yelling from the recording playing over and over again. You are Marissa Harrison. That name used to carry a lot more weight than it did now. "I-- I don't... think I am..." She said quietly. "I couldn't-- I didn't even remember doing this... Last year-- I-- I don't remember coming here... I'm scared..."

Nicola

she knew that look on marissa's face, she knew her mind was somewhere else, even though she was trying her hardest to be where she is right now. it broke nicola's heart to finer pieces, seeing her like this. "it's okay to be scared sometimes, my love.....but you're not alone anymore.....whatever you need right now, cleo and i are here to support you." she kisses her forehead, letting her lips linger there for a while. it all makes sense now, the mess of a place she's arrived to, the video that looks like what the gallery owner was talking about. "i've got you, baby....you have me and cleo.....whatever you need...."

Marissa

You're not alone. Nicola kept saying that, and every time she said it, Riss could hear it a little more. This was the first year where that was really true... Before, sure, she had had Laurel around, Megan-- Aaron... But, this was different. Nic understood. Cleo's embrace actually helped. But, right now, after watching that, after being so starkly reminded of how sick she had become... There's just this one thing that keeps running riot in her brain. "It should have been me... It-- it would have been so much easier if it... if it was me..." If she had gone first, would Delilah have imploded like she did? If she had gone first, would Delilah finally feel free in life? Would she have stayed alive? For her sister? Marissa didn't have any family, at least not back then... None that would have missed her. If she had gone first... It's all she can think about.

Nicola

"marissa.....no....no....sshhh...." she shuts her eyes for a moment, taking a couple of deep breaths, not letting the thought of the younger woman dying stay in mind. nicola could already feel a part of her die just by the thought of it. she shouldn't think about it now, she's got to be here for the other, make sure she knows that she's not alone with this anymore, that she's got her family with her in every step of the way. "marissa....delilah.....delilah, lauren and hayden brought us together for a reason. you know i used to not believe in it, but this isn't just some coincidence. i believe this isn't just something that randomly happened. they....they knew that we need each other, you, me and cleo. we're all still here for a reason." she knew it's not just the other that she was convincing, but also herself. "they would've hated it if we both threw our lives away. we still have....we still have so much to do. and we...we have cleo and cordelia now. i know those three up there did this. we have to....we have to continue living....not just for them, but also for our family. we're not alone anymore, my love."

Marissa

"I'm-- sorry--" She breathed out through the tears. Marissa couldn't say anything else, she couldn't find any other words, she didn't want to hurt Nicola by saying the things that went around her head out loud. About how she was scared of herself, how she hated herself, hated what she had become. How she had no idea how either of them could possibly love her, especially now-- after seeing the destruction that laid in her wake. How she still, in the late hours of most nights, thought about following Delilah down that rabbit hole. Instead, she just clung to Nicola, she tried to believe what she was saying, tried to make it replay in her mind to drown everything else out. She withdrew into herself, becoming quiet, just holding onto Nicola.

Nicola

"you have nothing to be sorry about, my love. i'm here....you can tell me and cleo anything....you have us now." nicola didn't care if she sounded like a broken record, but if she had to do this, to remind marissa that she isn't alone anymore, that she's got her and cleo until the end of the universe's existence, she will. she would do anything for them, for the people who saved her from such misery, who brought life back in her life when it was unwillingly taken away from her. she reaches for her hand the was underneath her hoodie and slides it up even further just beneath where her heart is placed. there's still a lot of work to do between the three of them, to live past the pain, but she's willing to risk it all for her family. "i got you....my love....you're not alone anymore.....i won't--i'm not going anywhere...." she whispers, burrowing her face into her hair and taking in her scent.

Marissa

Marissa went quiet for a long while, just staying in Nicola's arms, focusing on feeling her heartbeat. Listening to her breathing, feeling her heart beating, eventually... She calmed down, she stopped crying. A wave of numbness came over her, just for a short time and then she just felt... Tired... Empty. Her sigh broke the silence that had drawn in on them, she swallowed thickly and sniffed up a little. "Can we go home?" She barely whispered.

Nicola

the older woman lingers in the quiet for some time while she continue to hold the other, just playing with her hair. nicola knows they need a long time to rest, because there's going to be a lot to work on between the three of them while they stay at the vineyard. they're all exhausted, and they need to be away from the city for a while. she snapped out of her thoughts when marissa spoke. "of course, my love. let's go home."

[themarissaharrison]

I Just Want Her | Discord

                                   DISCORD THREAD #002

Who?: Marissa Harrison, Nicola Slone @nicolaeisms​ When?: Marissa goes back to Cleo’s where she is staying with Cleo and Nicola after partying with Aaron in Manhatten. Where?: Cleo’s Penthouse Balcony

Mentions: @cmlopezofficial | Lauren (NPC) | Delilah (NPC) Triggers: death mentions, halluncination mentions, alcoholism, smoking

MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT?: No, just MAJOR FEELS.

MARISSA

Marissa had no idea what the time was. The last time she’d checked it was midnight, and that seemed like ages ago. As she got out of the car, she didn’t even remember giving Cleo’s address to the driver so she was a bit surprised. Still, this was where she was supposed to come, wasn’t it? She took in a deep breath as she waited for the private pent elevator to come down. Her phone was dead, so she just kind of stared around and tried to sober herself up as she waited. The doors pinged open and Riss stepped inside, pressing the Pent button and then slipping her heels off so she could potentially slip in unnoticed. Maybe she could play off a late night in the office... The doors opened and Marissa used the key code to get in, trying hard not to knock into anything as she made her way through the darkness. Riss actually thought she could get away with it, then she felt the breeze of fresh air from the balcony and the smell of cigarette smoke. Fuck.

NICOLA

it's one of those nights again, nicola couldn’t shut her eyes to sleep as usual. she didn’t want to wake cleo or cordelia up if she forces herself to sleep. they’re surely witnessed a handful of times of her waking up in the dead of night screaming in pain, drenched in sweat. she wanted to at least spare both of them from that for at least one night.  she’s been standing by the balcony of cleo’s penthouse for at least an hour now, and she’s lost track of how many cigarettes she’s already had. marissa still hasn’t gone back, and she actually has slipped away from her bodyguard. honestly. she was just so exhausted; she doesn’t think she has the energy to confront her and asked where she’s been. she heard her door unlock, signaling that the brunette’s here, but she didn’t bother to move, to look back if it was really her. the older businesswoman lights up another cigarette and puts her attention at the city lights that can be seen from where she is. nicola’s just waiting for her to say something, to tell her a perfect excuse, a reason she slipped off her security detail. though is that enough to calm her nerves down?

MARISSA

Marissa thought for amount about ignoring it, about pretending like she didn't even see the back of the woman's head. But, even in this state she knew how much of a bad idea that was. She placed her heels down on the floor and let out a heavy sigh before rolling her eyes and then walking through the room and out onto the balcony. Honestly, she had no idea what the hell to say. With her eyes on the blonde now, there weren't really any excuses for why she was coming in so late, why she wasn't accompanied by Nic's security detail... She fucked up, and she was fucked up. They weren't two things that ever mixed well together. "Would you believe me if I said it was a late night at the office?" She said quietly as she came up beside Nicola, eyes following the others' gaze out over the city lights.

NICOLA

nicola takes a long drag of her cigarette, still not moving a muscle when she sensed the other walking up to her, finally breaking the silence between the two of them. she momentarily turns back to get the glass that was on the balcony table for a while now, drink’s almost forgotten. she needed anything to calm down her nerves, just anything. she doesn’t want to get mad, she isn’t even mad about this, yet she was feeling this tinge of disappointment, the letdown, it felt like a promise is broken, even though she didn’t hear it leave marissa’s lips, from what she could remember. “i’m going to try.” she says, convincing not just the brunette but also herself. “even though we both know that’s not the truth.”

MARISSA

Riss took a long breath in, shoulders dropping a little. She'd expected harsh words, shouting even, but this... Silent, quiet, disappointment... It was ten times worse than any shouting match ever could be. If she hadn't felt guilty before, she sure did now. Her eyes broke from the skyline to watch as Nic took a sip of her drink, then she looked back into the penthouse before looking back to the city. "I just..." She sniffed, brushing her finger under her nose which was really starting to burn now. "Needed to forget... Just for a little while," Riss sighed gently before glancing at Nic. "Aaron really needed a friend too, and... Nic, there's nowhere safer for me and him than Manhatten... Babe.." She steps in a little closer to the blonde.

NICOLA

does nicola want to talk about this? she’s too tired to know. not even the things she depends on to relax her nerves isn’t even working right now. she just stood there, with her back still facing marissa while she continues exploring the city with her eyes. she takes another long hit of her cigarette while the gallery owner spoke, letting the smoke stay in her system for a moment before exhaling. “it’s alright.” is she just convincing her, or she was convincing herself too? maybe she was being uptight with her and cleo, but knowing that man she encountered back in chicago is alive….ever since that night….she hasn’t had a proper sleep, she hasn’t stopped watching her own back, even when she thought he was dead. “i understand,” she refills her glass with white rum and downs it quickly, hoping the pain in her chest would just go away. “go get some rest,” she mutters, still not bothering to look at the other.

MARISSA

The coldness coming from the other woman cuts into her skin far more the sharp breeze of NYC at night. She says it’s alright, that she understands, but there’s no meaning behind those words. There’s nothing there... Marissa hasn’t seen this side of Nicola before. She hasn’t seen this closed, calculated woman. It... almost scares her. Riss almost wants her to shout, at least then she’d be able to feel something. At least then she’d be able to get a read in what was really happening beneath that stare... “Do you?” She said, feeling this overwhelming need to stay. At this point, Marissa knew she’d only lay down and stare at the ceiling. “Nic... Talk to me. Please... You want me to explain? I will. I just... Talk to me, baby... Don’t cut me off...”

NICOLA

she could shout, maybe give marissa a lecture for disregarding what she witnessed in the office and what happened back in chicago, when nicola literally dropped everything and just flew there to ensure her safety. she felt like the younger woman just ignored those things happening, like she's forgotten her pacing around the room in her penthouse in chicago, how she neglected the security she asked her to have. yet she didn't want to. she was about to pour herself another drink, but instead she grabs the bottle and drank a mouthful before putting it back down on the table. she didn't want to be this cold to the younger woman, but she felt so tired, tired of constant worrying and now feel ignored, with how it felt like she disregarded everything that happened for the past week on purpose. "you can do whatever you want, you can explain if you want. i'll listen."

MARISSA

Why had she even come here? In her drunken state, of all the places she could have turned up... She loved Nicola. There was nothing about that could be left to doubt. And, Marissa felt this connection with Cleo too... Something... There was something there. But— of all places she could have gone... She came back to the people she knew she’d pissed off the most. There’s was probably a part of her that wanted to be shouted at. To be reminded that she existed and was alive... She had felt so numb lately, so disattached. Then Nic ditched the glass and drank from the bottle and she knew she wasn’t okay. “Nicola...” She said in that voice she’s only used a few times. She knew that Nic was tired, she could see it in the way she was holding herself but fuck... Marissa couldn’t help it, the alcohol, the tension... She cupped the older blondes cheek, turning her head to look at her. “Speak to me...” She pleaded, thumb running across her cheek. “I’m sorry... Please— don’t shut down on me...”

NICOLA

nicola takes another hit from her cigarette. she swore to herself that she's going to make herself quit or at least lessen it, but she's just downright anxious about her whole situation. she's still been battling wanting to go back to chicago and finish the job she failed doing before, to not wait around and depend on the possibility of him not being able to survive. and then now this....what if he still had connections outside? of course he definitely would have, and he knew where his daughter is, it's not going to take long for him to find her too, after being the cause of his almost-death, a huge part of her feels he'd want payback. and with marissa neglecting her request and slipping away from her bodyguard's watch....she doesn't know how to feel about it. she shuts her eyes close when the younger cups her cheek before she could even take another sip of her drink. she's close to breaking down once again, in front of her this time, this could be twice in a row in a span of hours after cleo has seen her like that at the cove. she doesn't know if she could take more. "it's okay, i hope you had fun, at least," she says as another attempt to convince the both of them. "i'm okay. i just need something to relax before i sleep."

MARISSA

Marissa shakes her head lightly as Nic’s eyes close to her touch. These waves of guilt keep crashing into her obliterating any high she had from the coke left in her system, sobering her better than any medical drip ever could. “A little...” She answered quietly, feeling her heart drop more every second that she looked at Nicola’s damaged face. “You’re still thinking of going back, aren’t you?” Marissa sighed softly, taking the bottle from Nicolas hand gently and placing it back on the table before cupping both her cheeks. “It’s okay if you are...” Marissa tried to reassure. “I get it... I— am struggling to stay away from my demons too...” Riss admitted, swallowing a little as a tear rolled down her cheek without her even realising. “What I did isn’t okay... you don’t have to pretend like it is...” She added on before tucking a hair strand behind her ear. “I need you... I always have...”

NICOLA

"that's good to know." nicola takes a long, deep sigh at her question. the thought never left her mind, she still wanted go back there. she knew it was a decision everyone wouldn't want her to do, especially cleo and marissa. with the restaurateur's idea of going away for a while to montauk, she took it as a chance to clear her head, think about how things would go down if she decides, with a clear mind, to go back and finish what she started. this has been one of her loudest demons for the past couple of years. something she's been trying to avoid. i need you... i always have... instead of bringing her life, those words seemed to have done her the opposite, her heart weighing heavier instead. "with what you did tonight, riss? it doesn't feel like it." she softly takes her hand away from her cheek and looks away, finishing the rest of her cigarette. "it feels like--that night we shared back in chicago just slipped away from your mind. i just..." she finally glances back at her. "i'm just asking for one little thing, and it's for you both to be safe. it would've been okay if you just told me you'll go out, instead you...you just--fucking hell." she puts the cigarette butt in thr ashtray, and struggles to get herself a new one, only to find out that she's run out of them. "i must be really out of my mind."

MARISSA

Marissa watched as all the wheels spun around behind Nic's eyes. She didn't need to say anything for Riss to know that whatever was happening inside her head was loud and repetitive, demanding every bit of attention and disallowing her to switch off. Riss had wanted her to talk, wanted to hear what was going on but as soon as she got that wish... It just made that pain inside more alive. "I know... I know," she breathed out, heart breaking as Nicola took her hand off her cheek and turned away. Marissa swallowed thickly as she furrowed her brow and nodded a little. "It did, I'm not going to stand here and-- lie to you-- anymore... Everything has been... Slipping my mind, honestly?" She took a shaky breath as she tensed her jaw and allowed her eyes to scan the older blonde. "No, you're not... And here..." Riss sighed softly and walked over to the chair she had dropped her Chanel bag on, opening it and getting out a carton before coming back to Nic and handing it to her. The last thing Marissa could do right now was tell Nic not to smoke so much because it was bad for her health. Another deafening wave of silence fell between them as her eyes fell back to the city's skyline. "I'm-- seeing her again..." She admitted, voice breaking as she spoke. "At the bar... In the cove when I-- disappeared... I thought I saw her in the crowd, but it wasn't and I went to the restroom and, er-- she was there," Riss covered her mouth for a moment. "Just for a moment, it wasn't-- it wasn't very long... And again last night and I just..." She swallowed thickly. "I just needed to get-- away... From my own head..."

NICOLA

"if i'm going to stay safe as you needed me to, please ...i just need you to do the same thing for me." nicola isn't mad at the brunette at all. all that she's feeling is worry and disappointment. she remembers marissa slipping out of her thoughts that day while they were in cleo's office. "i may have gotten a sense that you weren't telling me something. and i just--" she lights up a cigarette and takes a drag, then exhales in relief before staring out in the horizon. "i chose not to bother you about it. i'm not.... i'm not angry, it's just....you really worried me, riss." she now moves closer to the younger woman. that now explains why she suddenly left them at the dive bar, that explains the look on marissa's face. she puts down her newly-lit cigarette in the ashtray and faces her, this time, it was her reaching for the other's cheek. for quite some time, there were instances when she's thought she's seen lauren in the crowd, but with the way how the other describe how she's seeing her....now....she can she why she needed to get away from her own head. "promise me one thing?," nicola sighs, and for the first time tonight, she looks into marissa's eyes. "promise me.... you'll tell me these things? i don't want you to keep it all on your own. you've been....you've been here for me ever since we got back in each other's lives and....i don't want to lose you this time. i was just...i was so worried," she takes a deep breath. "please....just don't lie to me about these things anymore."

MARISSA

Marissa nodded as she tried to keep it together. Saying all of that out loud... It made it real. It was easier to ignore something that had never been uttered aloud. It was easier to bury. Bury under alcohol, coke, friends, loud music... Now all those things were gone and she was stood on the balcony so high up in Brooklyn that it was almost silent, just the occasional sound of a distant horn from downtown. "I didn't want to worry you... I know you're-- I didn't want to put anything else on your shoulders," she replied softly, almost timidly. When Nicola asked her to promise about telling her these things, Marissa hesitated. Her mind so full of-- fear. God, more than anything else she was scared. Terrified of falling back into that... Fake reality. Into her... It wasn't until Nic looked into her eyes that she snapped out of that fear. She nodded, leaning into her hand, turning her head slightly and kissing the blonde's palm gently. "I'll try..." Riss breathed out as her own hand came up and wrapped around Nicola's. "I can't-- I can't go back... I can't go back there..." She cried almost silently. "I'm supposed to be better..."

NICOLA

"riss....," nicola wraps her arm around her waist this time. "you will never, ever burden me with what you're going through. and i....would worry less if we just open to each other more. that's all i'm asking for." she draws marissa close. "you've looked after me ever since we were back in each other's lives. i just want you to allow me to look after you the same as you and cleo are taking care of me right now." having the two younger women look after her, nicola at first felt like a burden herself, though with that something they shared back at the cove that night, both in the dive bar and the other blonde's office when the two held on to her, stopping her from falling in that deep black hole once more....she wants to do the same for them. "i'm here....alright? i'm here...," she whispers as she leads the both of them to one of the chairs. she sits down, drawing the other to her lap, running her hand along her back as she cried in her arms. she didn't want to ask more about what else happened that night, she didn't want to pressure the other into telling her what else happened. though....she wants her to know that she's not alone, not anymore. "we're going to montauk soon, and i want us to rest our minds for a while. i want us to take care of each other."

MARISSA

Marissa practically falls into Nicola when the blonde wraps her arms around her waist. She realised she had no idea just how badly she needed to be held until it happened. “I just... I want it to stop, and I thought it had... Its been months... and I feel like I’m slipping but I can’t go back, Nic—“ she mutters as she let’s Nicola draw her in on the chair, her face burying in her neck. “I just feel so alone all the time...”

NICOLA

"riss.....," nicola whispers, kissing the side of the brunette's head. it pains her to see this side of marissa, that all she could do is hold her close. "i'm here....we're here.....cleo and i....you're not alone, alright?" she cups her cheeks with both of her hands, looking deeply into her eyes. "you have us, you have me. i'm not going anywhere," she leaves soft, loving kisses on her forehead, her eyes, cheeks, the tip of her nose and then her lips. "you have me. you have us. we're going to montauk soon. we're going to hide away from everything else for a while. alright? i...." she sighs.  "you have us now."

MARISSA

Marissa's arm snakes up and around Nicola's shoulders, as if she were clinging onto her for dear life. In a way, she was, she was holding onto her to try and remind herself that she wasn't alone, that she was alive, that she was here and this was happening. I'm here... We're here... those words should have filled her with security, but instead they caused more tears to pave their way down her cheeks. She hadn't intended on telling anyone about what happened at the reception, hadn't intended on allowing it to become real. She wanted to pass it off as a bad dream... But alcohol loosens the tongue better than anything else. "I know..." Riss breathed out as she felt her fucking heart breaking all over again, as it did every time she thought she saw Delilah in the crowds. The pain fresh all over again. She had had two years of this, mending and breaking, a repetitive, vicious cycle. But, this one hurt more than any other because she was supposed to be better... She was supposed to be okay. This was supposed to be over... Would it ever be over. "I just want her..." Marissa muttered, not even realising it came out loud. "I'm sorry..." She said through staggered breaths. "I'm so sorry..."

NICOLA

there's never a day that nicola stopped missing lauren. never a day she stopped dreaming about her. her life was absolutely turned around by this woman and changed her life for the better, with her, she left her old, unlawful ways and straighten her whole life out. she started working on herself as their friendship progressed which eventually they've come together, and not so long after, got married. somehow....she knew how it felt like still wanting lauren above anything else, that if she could go back, if she had the ability, she'd be spending the same day on a loop with the woman she loved with all her heart and soul. for her to be taken away, it was like falling into this endless pit of unfortunate events in her life. somehow....she understood. they might be different in a way, but she knew, she fucking knew. "i know....," was all she could say, running her fingers through marissa's hair. "you don't have to be sorry.....it's okay. i got you, we got you, okay? we're going to get through this together." just stay in my arms.

MARISSA

Marissa’s body jerked a little as she cried, her face lost in Nicola’s neck and shoulder as she held on to the older blonde in a way she never has before. They has such similar pain, they both knew grief in its rawest state and even though theirs had their differences, they understood... Riss didn’t know how much she needed someone who understood until that night in the alleyway at Throuple... until now... She nodded gently, falling quiet now, knowing there was nothing more to say. She just wanted to feel close to the other, to be held, and she was... Riss didn’t stop crying quietly until she slipped into sleep, her grip on the blonde slackening as she entered her dreams... The only place it didn’t hurt to spend some time with her... With Delilah...

NICOLA

nicola cradled the brunette in her arms, hand running along her back as she slowly drifts off to sleep. she could slowly feel exhaustion finally getting to her. she stands up from her chair and carries marissa to the bedroom they share with cleo for now. she couldn't help but leave her little kisses on the side of her head as she walked them there. she instantly noticed that the restaurant owner is missing, she was there when the blonde left to the  balcony an hour or two ago. she lays the woman in her arms down and kisses her forehead before leaving the room to look for the other.

[themarissaharrison]

No Sleep | Self Paragraph

In, two, three, four. Hold, two, three, four. Out, two, three, four, five. Hold, two, three... Fucking bullshit, she thought as she tried repeating the mantra for the hundreth time in her head. Her eyes were firmly closed as she was trying to will herself to sleep. Apparently, this ‘box breathing’ technique was what the special forces soliders learnt to do to sleep in warzones... She could just give in a pop a few sleep tablets, but the nightmares that usually came when taking those were way worse than anything she could think up conciously. 

She sighed as she breathed out, finally giving in to her mind as her eyes flicked open and stared up at the ceiling above her. Marissa stayed like that for a few moments, just staring. She had to count her blessings that she didn’t feel as if she was suffocating, or like someone was holding her down. Mostly, she just felt kind of... Numb. Ever since she had brought Nicola home from Blue yesterday evening, she’s just felt like she’s been on some kind of auto-pilot. Running through the motions of the day, but not actually being a part of it. When either of them had asked what was wrong, she had just said the same thing; “I’m just tired... I just need some rest...”. That wasn’t exactly a lie, but-- it wasn’t the truth either. The truth was she didn’t know what was wrong, she didn’t even know how she felt. The only emotion she could recognise was sadness... Just that faint aching of her heart. 

The scene she walked into in Nicola’s office kept replaying in her head too. The look on the blonde’s face, the sheer terror in the way she shook when she hugged her. It was something wholy different to what she had witnessed in Chicago, there was this raw intensity that this was something they should all be scared of. Someone they should all be scared of... Part of her wanted to meet this man, this Jackson Kingsley... She wanted to see him for herself, to size him up, and understand. She wouldn’t, of course. She had made a promise to Nicola to stay safe, and she intended to keep that promise in every way she could... But, still, the curiosity had been playing on her mind. She had no understanding or experience of the criminal underworld. The closest she had come to brushing with danger like this was when Delilah disappeared the first time around, back before they even got together. Even now, Marissa didn’t know the whole story of why she had to leave, but it was something to do with gangs, something to do with a hit on her head. 

Delilah... Marissa took in a long breath as she pushed herself up in the bed, resting her forearms on her knees as she let the blanket slip off of her. She looked back, pressing her lips against her shoulder as her eyes fell on the two sleeping women, Cleo’s arm draped over Nicola, Nicola’s arm moving up and under the pillow where Marissa’s head should be. Slowly, she let the air out against her shoulder as she watched them both sleep for a while. She knows that both of these amazing, beautiful, loving women would want to know that she was awake right now, that her heart was hurting, that she felt so fucking lonely... But what was the point in all of them being awake because one of them couldn’t sleep? Of course, if it had been one of them awake, Marissa would list of a million reasons why they should have woken her up... Hypocrisy was a funny old thing.

She thought back to what Nicola had said in the cavana in Montauk, about Delilah and Lauren... Had they been the ones, somewhere in the systems of the universe and ‘fate’, were they the reason their paths had crossed again? Divine intervension... God, she’d of laughed at the idea a few years ago. But, all of this... Cleo coming into her life as well, Dela too... It all seemed like it was timed too well to possibly be pure coincidence. When she needed someone the most, the world gave her both of them... It didn’t make it any easier to get over her fear that they would both leave eventually. Promises had so far proved pointless in Marissa’s life. Everyone she’s ever loved has left, in one way or another. Why would these two be an exception to that rule?

Marissa closed her eyes for a moment before getting up and out of bed, quietly gliding the doors of the balcony opening and wrapping her silk dressing gown around her small body before heading out into the cool New York night. She left the bay doors ajar, just incase Nicola woke up in a panic and needed to know where she was. Walking across to the couch, she sat down, tucking both her feet underneath her as she slid her hand into the pocket of the gown and withdrew a packet of cigarettes and a lighter. She never smoked during the day, but it was one of those things that slowed down her thoughts a little bit... It was this, or alcohol, and she really was trying to make a concious effort not to drink as much.

The warmth of the small flame that flared up as she flicked the lid of the zippo back warmed her face, the first drag of the cigarette warming the back of her throat. She dropped the packet and lighter down on the couch in front of her before adjusting how she was sat so she could bring her knees into her chest and hug her knees. “I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing...” She whispered with such fragility that even the gentle breeze running past might break her words. Her eyes turned upwards, to the dark, inky, starlit sky. There weren’t many places in New York where you could get a real view of the stars, most rooftop buildings were still too low beneath the skyline to get past the light pollution that overcast most of the stars. But, Cleo’s balcony had an almost picturesque view of the beautiful night. 

Her thoughts stayed in the talk she had with Nic in the cavana, about how she speaks to Lauren sometimes... “I wish I could talk to you...” She mutters to the sky, smoke gently dancing around her in the breeze. “Just to-- say thank you... To ask you what you would do right now, because I am-- lost... I know I need to keep her safe, keep her close... I just don’t know how to do that, and I know you know’d how even though I never met you...” Marissa sighs softly. “I’m never going stop trying though, I-- promise you... I know you’re looking after Hayden up there, and-- Delilah too, although she’s probably being too stubborn to allow herself to ever be looked after,” she felt her lips curl up into a smile as a few tears began to run down her cheeks. “God, I miss her... So much...” Riss tightly closed her eyes as she took a long, heavy drag from the cigarette, sniffing up and swallowing thickly as her body jerked slightly as she cried. 

She wasn’t sure how long exactly she was out there like that for. But, she felt the air get crisper and colder, the darkness taking over as the night reached its peak just before the break of dawn. It was the shivering that the sudden drop in temperature cause that caused her to bring her head back up, the butt of the cigarette that had just burnt itself out still resting between her fingers. She flicked it off the side of the building and then ran her hands down her face and stretched her back out a bit. Her eyes rolled back up to the sky, and it was much harder to see the stars despite it being darker up there. Clouds, probably... There was something about the fact that clouds were forming above her as the day was starting that was just... Well, fitting. There was always a satisfaction when the weather matched your mood. 

Sighing, she pushed herself up from the couch and went back inside the bedroom, closing the door behind her as quietly as possible. Her eyes lingered once more on the two sleeping women. She needed to keep them both safe. She didn’t know how... But, she couldn’t lose either of them. She couldn’t lose Nicola again... She wouldn’t... She had so much work to do. 

mentions: @cmlopezofficial | @nicolaeisms