#I’m not saying he’s not being pissy in his attitude towards her because he totally is

[polin-erospsyche]

Can we address the fact that some people think Colin was unnecessarily cruel to Penelope and did not show her his love when in fact he loved her so deeply he could not be angry at her the way he would/might have wanted to??? Like can we just address this for an instant? How it is because he loved her that he stayed in their relationship, in this marriage, despite the way he was/they were hurting. He could have left if he so chose to.

And don’t give me the “but they’ve entrapped each other and she was pregnant”. She offered him an annulment without being asked to because that is how much she loves him. You mean to tell me that that same woman wouldn’t have agreed to stop all of this if he so chose and expressed? And you mean to tell me the man who has been disregarding the rules of society and was raised on the idea of true love wouldn’t have left if he really wanted to? Especially when it was so easy for him to leave? Expose her, say you’ve been cheated and lied to and boom the man is free. That would have been cruel, that would have been extremely low of him, that would have been out of character for him. No, instead he chose to stay because he loves her despite of everything. So don’t tell me the man is not in love in these last episodes because if anything he’s never been so in love.

[theelliottsmiths]

Tbh I’ve been kind of uncomfortable lately with all the content till’s put out lately about the mistreatment of women (the poem that was about drugging and assaulting a woman, some of the lindemann videos) and wondered if you had any thoughts because it’s weighing on me and I want to believe he’s a good person and treats women well, but it’s stressful to see/hear about the controversy.

My question for you is: how is this any different to the rest of his work?

This is long, it's been building up for a while and may stray from the ask in places. If I sound pissy I promise that's not directed at you.

So just, first off I honestly think a lot of people were so upset about the poem because it's much closer to something that could potentially happen to them and therefore it's harder to think about from the angles he favours; If it was the poem itself not a single one of them would be a Rammstein fan because the only difference between it and Tier, or Hallomann, or Weißes Fleisch is the likelihood of them or someone they know experiencing it.

Any of us could have out drinks spiked: in the past year I know one guy whose date slipped ketamine into his drink so she could take him home (he managed to escape) and a woman who was given something that ended up setting off her seizures in a club. It's more likely to happen than Wiener Blut Part 2 is and for some people they haven't had to process his texts, or anything similar, in that way before. Its scary and gross and disturbing to slip inside the mind of an abuser, which is why he does it and brings us with him.

There's also the fact that its reminding people that they could potentially be that person. It would be easy to do it if you decided you wanted to do it and it's hard to stomach if you're not Empathy Till who puts himself in thousands of peoples shoes a day and should not be counted.

Arguably, this is all his reaction to learning more about how women are treated through things like the me too movement and examining his own behaviour (re: Till the End, not WDS). He uses current events as inspiration all the time. We talk more about date rape, he writes a poem about date rape. He uses the dehumanisation of the women in Platz Eins to show the dehumanisation and oversexualisation of women in other aspects of life. Maybe he's even using it to explore attitudes towards women that he didn't realise he had because of when and where he grew up and the rockstar lifestyle in general, Schneiders quote seems relevant right now

His art is exploring, as it always has, the darkest parts of humanity. He didn't write Wenn du schläfst as an ode to date rape, it's him exploring the phenomenon the same way Akwaeke Emezi kind of does in Freshwater, just from the other side. He's addressing how awful and common mistreatment of women (along with all the other stuff) is, but any woman who is asked will tell you that he's a very gentleman, and even his exes barely have a bad word to say. How many people can say that?

The reason he usually writes from the perpetrators perspective is that he thinks it's cowardly to try and separate himself from the dark shit that all of us could potentially be capable of. He isn't that man any more than he is Bernd Brandes in Mein Teil or Grenouille from Perfume, the inspiration behind Du Riechst so Gut.

If you look at it that way, a lot of this stuff is incredibly respectful and understanding of the victims experiences. He doesn't say the villain isn't bad, he just highlights their potential reasoning.

For the record, I don't like the degree of sexualisation of women in Rammstein and Lindemann videos, it's just that it's about the same as it is in... Most media, actually, so it's hard to be that mad about it. I do think a couple of them have issues that a lot of men their age do where they seem to think women are a completely different species but again, not unique to them and Till does actually listen intently to women when they're talking (fans and coworkers have said so, see the Ausländer making of for Till being engaged and trying so so hard not to get distracted by actors breasts as she's talking about her culture).

Also I'm not trying to start a fight but Zoran is to blame for a lot of the Lindemann stuff, by his own admission.

But yeah no I totally see why you might feel icky about it, I still feel a little icky about PE and TTE and will fistfight Zoran specifically for Ach so fucking Gern. It's healthy to criticise and question your faves and decide for yourself if you support what they're up to

A non-exhaustive list of works that must be thrown out if Tills work really is such a problem:

Polly by Nirvana because it's about kidnapping and torture from the kidnappers perspective

The Collector by John Fowles because of the stalking and kidnapping from the kidnappers perspective

A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess for the glorification of violence and accompanying misogyny

Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov because it's about paedophilia from the paedophiles perspective

Perfume by Patrick Süskind because of the stalking and murder

The Wasp Factory by lain Banks because of things that would be spoilers but the main character, jesus christ.

The Road by Cormac McCarthy because of the Everything About It

Don't Stand So Close to Me by the Police. It's about a teacher and a student. Yuck.

See my point?

[santana-maribel]

who: @santana-maribel and @finnsterhuddy​. where: santana & quinn’s apartment. when: monday 30th March. what: two morons make grilled cheese and fate intervenes once more to fuck up santana’s thirsting. warnings: nada.

Finn arrived to Santana and Quinn's apartment, a bag with grilled cheese ingredients in one hand. Not to repeat the same mistake as last time, he only brought enough ingredients for two sandwiches each, as he left a whole loaf of bread and an unopened pack of cheese at Rachel's. He knocked on the door, feeling slightly nervous although he wasn't sure if he had anything to be nervous about. Flirting with Santana was, to say the least, a highlight of his day, and he was intrigued to know if she had any motives behind it or if she was just simply being herself. Either way, he had always liked her company despite not having had a lot of it. "Hey. Ready for some grilled cheese?"

It was weird, one day Finn existed only on the edge of her radar. He was just her greek life partner, Sam's roommate. Then all of a sudden, Santana found herself with a pull towards him, something she couldn't explain or control. She'd slipped out earlier, bought a couple of six packs at the grocery store. She'd briefly remembered seeing him with the brand she'd bought, at the disastrous sleepover the previous week. So that's what she got. She was trying to impress him a little, not that she'd admit it. The apartment was quiet, as she paced around the kitchen, resisting the urge to look at her cellphone again, when there was a knock at the door. She opened it and looked up, smiling softly at him. "Come on in, make yourself comfortable," she requested, closing it behind him.

Finn stepped inside the apartment, once again in awe of how much higher standard these other apartments held compared to his and Sam's. "Should I leave this in the kitchen?" he asked, holding up the bag with groceries.

She nodded and made her way into the spacious kitchen, gesturing for him to follow her. "You can put it in the fridge or leave it on the counter, it's up to you," she suggested, as she leaned casually against the island countertop. "There's beer too."

"Cool, I'll just leave it in the fridge for now, just in case," Finn decided, leaving the bag as is in their fridge. He wasn't sure if he should be drinking at this point, but a beer couldn't hurt, right? Plus, it seemed like a casual hang-out enough to be chill about it. He grabbed a beer while he was at it. "So, about that fried chicken?"

"Pass me one too, would you?" she asked, stretching her hand across to him to take the beer. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. She reached into the utensil drawer for an opener, flicking the cap off of her own and then passed it to Finn to use. "Next time. I need to buy a pot big enough to actually fry chicken or a deep fat fryer. But I promise, it'll be the best chicken of your entire life," she gave him a cheeky wink at the end of her sentence.

Finn grabbed another beer and slid it over on her side of the countertop. "Thanks," he said as he accepted the opener, flicking off the cap on his bottle. "You telling me you haven't been making fried chicken here yet? Disappointed." He let out a small laugh, shaking his head in faux disapproval. "Is this why you're making me come over, to make you food?"

She shook her head back at him, "I normally go to Sam's, well your place to do it, but I guess I haven't for a while," she laughed, feeling her face turn a little pink from embarrassment. Oh well, it was just another excuse to hang out, wasn't it? "I made you come over because i'm craving a grilled cheese and I heard a rumour that you make the best ones," she teased, before taking a large gulp of her beer.

“I would’ve been all over it if I had been there for it,” Finn said with a certainty. He was happy she wasn’t totally disgusted over his grilled cheese - although he couldn’t understand why anyone would be. All due to his unconventional, yet genius method. “You’ve requested the right man,” he declared in a darker, goofy voice. “You want one now or do you wanna chill for a while?”

She nodded in agreement, he would have been all over it if she'd been around their apartment and making food recently. She made a mental note to check in with Sam later, now that she was done busting his balls about body shot-gate. "We could chill, finish our drinks, it's been six minutes and no one has interrupted us," she teased, as she breezed past him to walk into the living room, brushing against him slightly as she did. "I've got a good feeling about tonight."

"That's pretty crazy," Finn nodded at Santana's observation. It had been a running joke between them that started at the frat rushes and later at the mixers with her sorority, and while it was funny at first, it slowly became more and more frustrating that they never really got to talk before someone interrupted. "Don't jinx it though, Quinn's gonna come home in any second now." His face plastered with a grin, he followed Santana into the living room, taking a large swig off his beer. "So, West Side Story, huh? Didn't know you were into musicals."

The inside joke about being interrupted was one of the most irritating things in her life at that time. It seemed that fate intervened, every single time they tried to get to know each other better. Maybe they were cursed. She shook her head, as she plopped down on the couch, curling her feet under her. "Quinn is with Jesse, date night before rehearsals start, so no interruptions there. Unless Sammy decides to double down on the other night and burst through the door," she laughed, although her eyes did flicker towards the wooden frame, if only for a moment. She shrugged at his comment about the musical, "it started as just something to do but now i'm kind of into it. I like to sing and obviously as a raging narcissist, I love the attention," she explained, taking another large swig from her beer bottle.

"I see," Finn said nonchalantly, his heart skipping a beat knowing that they--or at least Quinn--weren't happy as she had confided in him. In a sense, he should've been happy about it considering he had been brewing feelings for the blonde the past few months, but he couldn't bring himself to be that selfish knowing his friends' relationship was on the line. He let out a faint, heartless chuckle, too caught up in his head to react to Santana's comment. "Yeah." He snapped out of his thoughts, turning to face Santana as she spoke further. "I'm not sure I've heard you sing properly, or at least in a performance kinda way. Glad I said yes to run lines with you, maybe I'll get to hear you sing."

Santana narrowed her eyes at him, watching silently as the wheels turned in his brain. She wasn't sure what he was thinking about, only that it gave her a strange sort of sinking feeling in her stomach. Her fingers traced over the silver scar on her left arm, a nervous habit that she'd had for as long as she could remember. No memory of how she got it, just that it had always been there. She nodded, now a little absentmindedly as he spoke. "Yeah, I mean it'll be fun. I'm just glad you said yes, Rachel, Jesse, Kurt, Blaine, they're all super into it, you'll be more fun," she smiled at him, before draining the remaining liquid in the bottle. "I'm gonna grab another."

"They'd scare you off," Finn chuckled half-heartedly as he took another sip of his beer. "Glad to hear you have faith in me to not be crazy about it." He nodded as she announced she was getting another beer. "Grab one for me too?"

"Yes they would," she readily agreed. She loved her friends but their intensity was a little much at times. Which was why she could find solace in a quiet, chilled night with a handsome man. Santana nodded as she rose from her spot and carried her empty to the kitchen. Out of sight, she took a moment to suck down a greedy breath of air, calming herself. What the fuck was going on? Why was she this flustered by Finn goddamn Hudson? Unclear. She grabbed two bottles and the opener and returned to the couch, springing the caps off of them. "So you're serious about leaving the frat then?" she asked, settling her beer on her thigh.

Finn leaned back in his seat, letting himself get comfortable on the couch while waiting for Santana. It was pretty nice getting this quiet, alone time with her, considering they never made the time to do so otherwise. It felt comfortable, safe, almost as if he kinda belonged in a weird way. He didn't exactly understand why - it wasn't like he really knew her that well. But yet, here he was, feeling almost more comfortable with her than he did with himself. "Thanks, San." He sat up a little, clearing his throat before speaking. "Uh, yeah, I think I am. I have to convince Seb and the rest of the boys that I'm not doing it because I wanna leave them, which is gonna be hard because they already gave me so much crap for moving in with Sam," he sighed, taking a large, final swig of his first bottle before moving on to the next. "It sucks a lot, but it's for the best. At least for me."

She nodded understandingly. It was no secret that she wasn't super into her sorority either, so she understood. Like a lot of things in Santana's life, rushing a sorority had just been something to pass the time. "So you told Seb then? How did he take it?" she asked, remembering how irritated the other man had been when Finn moved out. She couldn't really be bothered with him giving a pissy attitude over this. "Like I said though, you gotta do what's best for you," her voice trailed off at the end, before piping back up softly, "I'll miss you, really. If it wasn't for you swooping in and saving me at that first mixer, I would have got paired with that super senior, the grabby dickhead." It was a sweet memory now, lanky freshman Finn slipping in front of her, saving her from getting her tits squeezed like a stress ball, under the thinly veiled excuse of hazing.

"Not good," Finn groaned, shaking his head at the thought of Sebastian and the other guys condemning and icing him out from their lives. If it did any good, it proved that they were never real friends to begin with. "Yeah, that guy was a total dick. Pretty sure he got kicked out of school too," he reminisced. Honestly, he didn't remember too much from that first mixer, but he did remember thinking Santana was hot and didn't at all deserve to be harassed by that awful dude. It made him smile knowing she had remembered it, though.

She didn't say anything about Sebastian's shitty attitude towards him instantly, just nodded and took a sip of her drink. She didn't need to hear anymore than what he had said to know exactly the mood her best friend would be in. Deciding she had mulled over it long enough, she reached over and squeezed his hand with her own. "Seb will come around and if he doesn't, if it's any consolation, you'll still have me," she gave a soft smile. "But who's going to save me from sex offenders now?" she teased, leaning over to prod him in the ribs with her other index finger.

Finn felt a smile creep onto his face when he felt Santana’s hand in his, squeezing hers in return. “Thanks,” he said softly. “Sorry—“ He jerked to the side as her finger poked his ribs, letting out a short, breathy laugh. “You’re on your own. Or maybe Seb can scare them off.” Shrugging, he took a sip of his beer. “You hungry yet? Let’s make some grilled cheese.”

If she believed in that shit, she could have sworn that her heart skipped a beat the minute he squeezed her hand back. But she simply shrugged it off, laughing alongside him when he reacted to her prod. She nodded, she was actually quite hungry. She'd almost forgotten the bullshit reason that she had made up to get him to come over. "Sure," she agreed. She took another quick gulp of beer for courage or whatever, she didn't know, but the ice cold alcohol was welcomed. She stood up and walked into the kitchen, setting her beer on the counter, before hopping up beside it, crossing her legs at the knee.

Finn got up and walked into the kitchen alongside Santana, opening the fridge to get the ingredients. "Why don't you get me an iron and some tin foil and I'll show you the greatest way to make a grilled cheese?"

Santana nodded, pointing towards the drawer closest to Finn. "Tinfoil is in there, i'll go grab the iron," she chirped, hopping down off of the counter to go to the laundry cupboard in the hallway. She wasn't someone who ironed often, so really it didn't matter if the iron got all messed up anyway. Lifting it off of the shelf, she wrapped the cord up tightly and brought it back to the kitchen. "Your tool," she giggled, handing it over to him, before resuming her position on the counter top, the almost empty beer in hand.

Finn went to the drawer she pointed to, grabbing the tin foil and making sheets for each sandwich. He began doing his thing - buttering the bread slices on both sides, though lighter on the side touching the foil, then putting two slices of American cheese on one slice per sandwich. He assembled them, packed them in the foil and waited for Santana to return with the iron. "Awesome. Get ready for some epicness," he announced, turning the iron on and waiting for it to get warm. "This doesn't look bad, does it?"

If someone had told her a month ago, that she'd be sitting on her kitchen counter, throwing back beers and waiting on a grilled cheese with Finn, she would have laughed in their face. But the world had a funny way of surprising her. She watched, biting the inside of her cheek to keep herself from laughing at just how serious and methodical he was, as he assembled the sandwich. "No, it looks pretty good," she admitted.

Not even a week ago, Santana just about refused to try his grilled cheese or even believed it could be any good. Yet, she somehow had changed her mind, much to Finn's surprise (but excitement, nonetheless). Truth be told, his grilled cheese wasn't that unique, which everyone probably thought it was due to the way it was made, but he wasn't going to tell anyone that. "Right? People think I'm doing this to be weird, but honestly, it's just a convenience thing. It became a habit when my mom would use the kitchen and I would crave a grilled cheese, so I saw someone make it with an iron on TV and started doing it myself," he told. "And I guess it just kinda became a thing after that. I do know how to make a grilled cheese the usual way, just so you know."

Santana nodded, more bemused than anything else, watching as Finn wrapped the sandwiches in foil and then turned to speak to her about his method. She balanced the bottle on her thigh and listened intently as to how he came about his methods, still stifling a giggle that threatened to escape her. He was so cute and like she had said in her previous texts to him; it made he nervous. A hissing brought her back to earth with a bump and she eyeballed the iron. "I think it's ready to go, Chef Hudson," she remarked, eyes on him as he went to work. This was the most fun that Santana had, had in a long time, it was almost embarrassing how much she was enjoying simply being able to let go of everything else and just enjoy Finn's company.

Finn took Santana's cue and grabbed the iron to put it on the foil-packaged grilled cheese. "If you're new at this, you should hold the iron while it's on the sandwich. But you know, I'm a pro, so," he teased, laying the iron carefully on the sandwich and letting it rest on it for 30 seconds. "You should try the next one, if you want."

"Are you sure that i'm ready?" she joked, watching as he placed the iron on top of the little silver package that he'd made. Her stomach grumbled a little, as she waited for the sandwich to be ready. "Thanks for coming over and feeding me," she smiled at him. It was undeniably comfortable with him here. For some reason, it felt like he belonged. The thought made panic run through her body and she drained the rest of the golden liquid in her beer bottle.

Finn flipped over the sandwich, repeating the same steps with the other side. "I think you are," he encouraged, flashing a cheeky smile as he took the iron off the sandwich. "It's gonna be a little hot, so you have to be careful." Slowly, he took off the foil, revealing his infamous grilled cheese. The bread had browned slightly, but not charred, and the cheese had just begun to ooze out the bread. "Can you get me a knife?"

Her stomach grumbled again and she rubbed it soothingly, ignoring how her stomach then lurched when he shot her a devastatingly handsome smile. She nodded, watching as he unwrapped the foil to show her the sandwich. It looked absolutely to die for, she thought inside her head. Santana lifted a knife from the block on the counter next to her and held it out for him to take. "It looks really good," she acknowledged.

"Thanks," Finn said, grabbing the knife and cutting the grilled cheese in halves. He picked up one half for Santana and the other for himself. "Cheers. Hope you like it."

She took the sandwich from Finn and smiled at him, before she raised it to her mouth and took a large bite. Maybe it was the fact she was several beers deep, or the fact that she was battling a weird, out of nowhere infatuation with the boy next to her; but the grilled cheese might have been the best thing she'd ever eaten at that moment. "It's so good," she groaned through mouthfuls.

"Right?" Finn was truly excited that she actually liked it, but he never really doubted she would. It was a classic grilled cheese, after all. He took a last swig of his beer before handing the iron over to Santana, signalling her to try the next one. "Give it a go."

She sat the iron down on the counter for a moment and hopped off of her make-shift seat, slotting in directly next to him. She'd never quite realised just how small she was standing next to Finn and she lifted the foil wrapped sandwich and placed it in front of her. Heeding his original warning, she lifted the iron and held it on the sandwich, not letting her hands move from it, her tongue poking out a little in concentration. If she managed to screw this up, he'd never let her live it down.

Finn took a large bite of his sandwich, stepping carefully behind Santana. “If you want, you can put a little pressure on it too,” he said, gently laying his hand on top of hers to press the sandwich down. It felt nice being this close to her, almost as if it was something familiar instead of new, despite not having been close to her like this before. “Like this.”

If she thought she was in trouble before, when he was simply near her, Santana wasn't entirely prepared for Finn to step behind her, press his body into hers and clasp his hand over hers. Her entire brain was in panic mode now, as she kept her eyes down, ignoring how right it felt to have Finn grasping her hand. "Like this," she repeated, thumb brushing against the side of his hand.

Finn had always enjoyed flirting, knowing he had a charm that seemed to work most of the time. It was fun, easy and harmless. With Santana, it felt different and he couldn't point his finger at exactly what it was that was different. He never really thought about having real feelings for Santana, despite acknowledging that she was stunning, smart and a lot of fun to be around. But maybe that was what he was feeling now, or? "You're doing good," he said in a low voice, leaning in closer to the girl.

She'd been teetering a line with Finn recently, one that like him, she couldn't explain. Even Sebastian, her best friend and current bed warmer, who'd never once got jealous before when she'd been into someone, could tell that there was something different when it came to Finn. She didn't dare turn around to face him, not yet. Her heart was beating so loudly in her chest, she was afraid that he could hear it. "Well, I learned from the best," she chuckled softly, letting out a small shiver as his warm breath hit her bare skin.

With his hand still on Santana's, Finn moved his thumb slightly by instinct to rub her hand softly. He had bent down slightly due to the height difference, his lips inching closer to her face. Was he about to do this? Every bone in his body compelled him to make a move, and it was getting harder and harder to resist. It wasn't like he needed to resist - there was nothing in the way. Yet, he couldn't get a grip on why he didn't just turn her around, lift her onto the counter and finally feel her lips against his. The thought of it made him nervous.  Maybe, that was why she was nervous now, too. He could feel his palms starting to sweat, worried that she would sense it too.

Santana was practically frozen, trapped between the kitchen counter and Finn. Not that she minded it at all in the slightest normally, but right now, she was panicking. His hand brushed hers and she let out a soft whimper at the small interaction. She wasn't the kind of girl who considered consequences, she simply just took things that she wanted. And fuck, she wanted Finn. There was no explanation, no reason, she simply just knew that she needed to take a chance and make a move. Yet, she was terrified. This was uncharted territory; a culmination of so many attempts to get to know one another. Now they were alone, with no interruptions, his lips dangerously close to the exposed skin of her shoulders.

It was like the whole world had stopped and it was only the two of them and nothing else. Finn had never really felt that way before, not intensely as this moment felt. This moment felt like a now-or-never kind of ordeal, and if he missed out on taking a chance, he'd never get the opportunity again. They were unfortunate, bound to have their chances taken away from them in a heartbeat, and he was certain he had to act on it now or someone would barge in the door. He grabbed the hand he was already holding, jerking his hand up her arm and swiftly turned her around so they were facing each other and looking into each other's eyes. He moved his hands to her waist, scooting her body closer to his and he leaned down to kiss her. His lips had barely just begun to touch hers when he registered a loud beeping noise coming from somewhere, and he let go of Santana's body the moment he realized why it was beeping. The hot iron on the foil had been lying on it for far too long, and the scent of smoke was becoming more and more prominent. "Crap," he muttered as he quickly removed the iron from the sandwich, waving off the smoke that was forming in front of them.

Time seemed to slow down, as they stood together in the kitchen, fingers lacing together. The room was silent, save for the sound of their breathing, her shallow breaths filling the air. She considered saying something but before she could, Finn’s hands were on her, spinning her around to face him. This was a side of him that she'd never seen before; the take charge and get shit done side. She was definitely a fan of it. His hands moved to her waist and she pressed her body into his, arms moving to circle around his neck. “Finn...” she whispered, eyes fluttering shut as he closed the gap between the two of them. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. She could hear ringing and this time, it wasn’t in her ears because of the man in front of her. Her eyes shot open and she glanced up towards the ceiling. The smoke alarm above their heads was beeping, smoke riding from the sandwich underneath the iron. She’d committed the cardinal grilled cheese sin and taken her focus off of the iron. “Fuck,” she groaned, grabbing a kitchen towel and wafting underneath the alarm. The moment was lost.

The smoke alarm going off really slapped Finn back to reality. Dumbfounded, he stood there taking a moment to realize what had happened. Time went so fast, yet simultaneously so slow, but now they were faced with another situation where things got cut off between the two of them, only this time it was due to the lack of attention being paid to the grilled cheese. "I got it," he said as he reached for the smoke alarm, ripping the battery off the device to stop the shrieking sound. "Crazy, huh?" He attempted to chuckle it off, not sure whether to find the situation humorous or not, as the atmosphere was pretty intense just a short minute before.

She'd promised Aubrey that she'd give it one more chance, that she would make her move and see where it led them. She'd done that and once again, they had failed to take it further. It really was like the universe couldn't stand to see them together, couldn't stand to see them explore whatever the flirtation that they had going on. Maybe that was it really, maybe it just had to stay a flirtation. She gave him a half smile and lifted the now burnt sandwich, wrinkling her nose at the smell before she tossed it in the trash can. Part of her wanted to grab his face and press her lips against his, hard, but she busied herself tidying up the mess that they'd made. "Crazy, yeah," she murmured, as she looked over to him, trying to get a read on his thoughts.

"At least we got to eat one," Finn comforted, his genuine attempt at lightening up the mood falling short even for him. "I don't wanna be weird, but I think I have to go. I got a presentation for human development class tomorrow, so I gotta get that finished." It wasn't like he tried to escape this moment, but that was probably what it seemed like. Maybe that was for the best. "It's been really cool hanging with you, Santana. We should, uh, do it again."

For someone like Santana, the feeling of utter humiliation and rejection that was washing over her body, was completely foreign. This wasn't supposed to happen. She stayed silent for a moment before she gave him a half smile. "Yeah, sure," she said quietly. Her appetite for food was lost and she wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed. She was right; he wasn't into her. At least now she had concrete confirmation. They'd almost kissed, he'd ran out straight after it. Hard to find a grey area with that. She helped him pack up his things and walked him to the front door. "Well, you know where to find me, Huds," she offered, in a voice that didn't quite sounds like her own. "Good luck with your... thing," she called after him. Truthfully, she hadn't listened to exactly what it was, just that he was most likely making an excuse to get out of the apartment, quickly and without hurting her feelings. She closed the door behind him and let out a soft sigh, as she leaned against the cold wood. Fuck feelings.

[cryptid-1]

Random BakuToga HCs

Day 5: AU ♦ Hotel ♦ Anger (though anger could work too lol)

Before I get into this one, I just wanna give a big thank you to all of the people who’ve been liking and reblogging these posts, it really means a lot to me! And thank you to the two mods over at @bnhararepairweek for getting my stuff noticed in the first place, and just hosting rarepair week overall!

Now, this one is a bit different because this ship is exclusive to an AU I have with some of my friends, that AU being one where the villains are heroes/UA students. So basically Stain and Kurogiri are pro heroes/teachers and Himiko, Dabi, Shigaraki and Twice are Class 1-A students (yes, 24 students in this class. Nobody’s been replaced). So yea, here’s a bunch of BakuToga headcanons for Day 5 of rarepair week!

-Their relationship is... weird to say the least

She’s basically still a nut job, just not actually murderous. So she’s got some weird ideas about romance. Basically, she’s hitting on both Bakugou and Izuku. Bakugou is a bit more exciting to her, though, so she pursues him more. She just likes to get a reaction out of Izuku (and Uraraka)

He basically acts pissy towards her just like with anybody else. Like, the same level of pissy he would be towards Kirishima or his other “friends”. He would never say that they’re dating or even friends, even though they practically go out on dates. So yea, he’s a total tsundere

-Bakugou responded to her flirtations with the usual death threats. But, of course, she was either too brave or too crazy (though probably both) to actually be threatened. At some point he figured out it wasn’t going to work and just let her hang around, though he still

-She started calling him Kacchan right off the bat (yes, blatantly stolen from Deku)

-Himiko probably ended up getting more into Bakugou because of how bold he is towards her. Like, everyone else (with Izuku getting most of the attention) gets freaked out by her antics, but Bakugou is just like *grabs her by the tie and tells her to fuck off* and she found that attitude super sexy. Himiko’s a bad boy lover for sure

-Honestly, Bakugou does find the way she reacts to his anger pretty attractive. She doesn’t get scared, but she sure does get all flustered up when Bakugou starts getting aggressive towards her

-Sometime after Himiko starts claiming they’re a couple (which basically means they are), even though Bakugou adamantly denies it he seems to start acting slightly more pissy towards Izuku. It’s not much, but it’s enough to be noticeable, especially after Himiko starts acting flirty towards Izuku. Luckily for him, she gradually stops doing it after a while, but Bakugou never really simmers back down

-Even though he keeps denying it soon after everyone just starts seeing their relationship as common knowledge

-Kirishima inducts Himiko in as Queen of the Bakusquad. Bakugou explodo-punches him in the face, but never actually tells her to get out

-Himiko is pretty clingy in public, even at school. Of course, it pisses Bakugou off and he usually shakes her off of him (for some reason he doesn’t blast-hit her like he would to anyone else...). But when he’s sure that nobody he knows is around he just might slide a hand up onto her shoulder or something along those lines

-Their relationship is pretty physical in nature, as you could guess. There’s a lot of rough making out and stuff once they get to that point.

-Bakugou actually thinks Himiko can be pretty adorable but would never openly admit it. Despite being pretty infamous in class for being crazy, she’s pretty good at looking sweet and innocent when she tries.

-Himiko was cheering on Bakugou like crazy during the Final Exam (her and Shigaraki went up against Stain the round before Deku and Bakugou. They just barely won). She sat around in the infirmary a lot until Bakugou woke up, who was secretly kinda happy that she was the first person he saw (he would’ve been pissed if Deku was the first one he saw)

That’s all I’ve got right now, there might be more later on. Also, I’m currently writing a fic about their first date which I’ll be sure to share once it’s done!

[thebeckychronicles]

Post 22- 7 day countdown, infections, biopsies, PTSD, and CHAD IS OUT

Warning: lots of cursing because I was annoyed with half of what went down this past week so I think you’ll be able to tell which parts hehe

It’s been a while since I’ve posted an actual update that wasn’t written while I was all up in my feels.

The date of my last chemo infusion is August 9th, with me getting fluids for the last time on August 10th. I’ve been counting down the days since I hit 60. Right now it’s 7 days til the 9th. To say I’m ECSTATIC is to say the least. This past Tuesday was my 11th chemotherapy session, so the first part of my 6th cycle. 6 seems like such a small number but when I think about it but then I think how those 6 cycles translated to 6 months of treatment and I’m kind of left in awe at how far I’ve come. It’s both shocking and heartening.

It’s funny because my oncologist had said in the beginning that after the second or third treatment Hodgkin’s Lymphoma patients typically feel better, or that the chemotherapy side effects tend to bottom out instead of getting worse. She, as well as other specialists, had said that the port would be super easy to have, I wouldn’t even notice it and that it’d make getting treatment a lot easier. Seems like I hit the jackpot on experiencing all the unlikely scenarios when it came to my port and to chemo. So let me give you a rundown on life in general and how treatment is going.

I can’t remember whether I mentioned it or not but last month I started an internship at a non-profit immigration legal services organization. I’ve been LOVING IT. The woman I’m interning for is WONDERFUL (Hi T) and is as excited to teach me as I am to learn. It feels really good to be getting out of the house more often and doing something that isn’t just productive but actually meaningful and helping others. Plus, they’re so flexible with my treatment schedule and take into consideration my needs especially considering my health.

I also enrolled at Cascadia for the fall quarter to finish up my AA since I didn’t get to last year. Tuition is a little stressful considering financial aid sucks and I haven’t really been working much but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I’m just excited to have some sort of routine and normalcy back in my life. Before my diagnosis I felt burned out and kind of rudderless. Now, as clichéd as it is, I’m feeling more motivated to finish school, to figure out what I want for myself and what I want my life to look like.

Two of my best friends moved to different states. One from California to Colorado, and I’m super excited to see her thrive in her new place since she’s been talking about it non-stop. She drove up from California and I met her in Oregon and we saw her favorite band the Avett Brothers in Bend, Oregon which was amazing. That small town in kind of in the middle of nowhere and on the edge of the Willamette national forest and the stars there are ridiculous. It’s funny we always half-way plan these spontaneous little trips so we didn’t really thinking about where we were gonna spend the night so we ended up sleeping in her car in the national forest at some random campground. The view of the sky was worth the slightly uncomfortable sleeping arrangement. My other best friend moved to New Mexico. I’m also super excited to see her grow where she’s at now.

So last week Tuesday was my 11th chemo session. And it was an eventful one. In the days leading up to my last infusion my port had swelled up and actually blistered. At this point my port acting up isn’t anything new so I didn’t bother to go the clinic about it since I was going to soon anyway. Whatever, I’m a bad patient. Morning of the infusion comes and I tell my nurse that my port looks funny and that it’s hurting a bit more than usual. She peels back the sticky paper stuff (can you tell chemo brain is taking its toll on my vocab?) and wipes off the numbing cream.

“Oh kittens.”

Did I mention how much Chad (my port) sucks?

As endearing as her exclamation was, it was also kind of concerning since she’d never seemed really thrown by how messed up my port looked. Apparently my port was so concerning she went to get one of the other oncologists I was meant to see today (my oncologist was out of town) and see whether they should access it or not. He came in, looked at my port and then proceeded to look just as confused and alarmed as my nurse. He then went outside to talk to another oncologist who came to see my port and they decided to go ahead and access my port (which fucking hurt despite the stupid numbing cream). My nurse accessed my port but it was decided that I needed to go down to Radia Diagnostic Imaging where they put my port in because while they successfully accessed my port they weren’t sure if it was leaking (ew) and that’s what was causing so many issues.

At this point a 15 minute appointment before treatment turned into an hour long one that was making me late for chemo. I went down to RDI where they injected dye into my port and then used an x-ray to see if it was working properly. Which it was. I will say that the whole team in RDI seemed perplexed by Chad too. One of them even said, “In my ten years of doing ports I’ve never seen this.” Thank you for that reassuring comment dude. They deemed Chad well enough to get treatment so they sent me to infusion with instructions to come back once I was done so a specialist could look at it. Infusion was infusion, nothing new except I had an awesome visitor. Hi Shauna! :D

Once infusion was done, I went back down to RDI. The specialist looked at it, again seeming very confused by Chad and said the dreaded B word. Biopsy. I swear I didn’t used to have an issue with needles until I got cancer. THANK YOU BECKY. So they brought me into a different room and had me take off my shirt and lay down under a blanket while they set up their torture tools (Again, I NEVER had issue with needles and getting blood drawn or anything until that first awful biopsy. Shit’s traumatizing.) Luckily at that point my mom got to the hospital and was able to be in the room with me while the biopsy was done. They got me all cleaned up. 1, 2, 3, a “quick pinch, quick pinch,” from the specialist and a huge fucking sting later, I was numb and they were digging out tissue and whatever fluid was in that blister. A few minutes later they had me cleaned up and on my way home, with a reminder that they’d let me know if anything suspect popped up in the culture and a prescription for major antibiotics just in case.

The next day I went back to infusion for fluids. Honestly, I was feeling pretty good. Having one more down just one more infusion to go, in addition to the fact that I hadn’t started to feel awful, I felt like I was sprinting towards the finish line.

Then Thursday came. If I was sprinting towards the finish line, feeling good Tuesday and Wednesday, I ate it hard on Thursday. (Insert appropriate meme here.) I woke up and my body was in total rebellion to the things I was putting it through. I woke up and my teeth hurt, my muscles were cramping, my bones felt like they were on fire and everything hurt. I couldn’t even really name the pain. To top it off, Friday morning I woke up with an awful rash that burned and stung, in addition to Chad being his usual pain in the ass self. I figured I should call the clinic and they had me come in immediately. Usually I’m pretty lowkey at my appointments, I’m not really demanding and I’m pretty patient during mix ups and stuff. But at this point, I’m annoyed that they’ve insisted I keep Chad even though he’s been more trouble than he’s worth, a lot of my issues that have come with treatment have stemmed from Chad, and three NO ONE LISTENS WHEN I SAY I DON’T WANT THE PORT. I’m pissy, I feel terrible and I’m done being an easygoing patient.

So after my RN took my vitals and went to consult with another oncologist, two nurses came in to do blood cultures from BOTH my arms. They had already done 2 blood cultures that both gave negative results to an infection, so I with, some attitude I’ll admit, asked why they were doing another blood culture when they’d recently done two others. One of the nurses had been the same one to do the blood cultures the last two times. And apparently, nurses don’t really get to do them too often so they hit the jackpot with me and she got to teach two other nurses how to do it with me as their guinea pig. Apparently, I was to be the guinea pig again. Right then, I was super frustrated and wanting to cry because one, everything hurts and two, I actually wanted to rip that damn port out myself if they weren’t going to do it. Whatever, the nurse explained to me that this time they were just gonna focus on blood infections on both sides of my body rather than whatever else it was that they were testing last time (I guess the blood cultures last time weren’t to test… for… blood… infections?). They did the blood cultures (I think at this point I can do them myself considering I know the procedure now ha) and my RN came back. She told me to get some type of cream for the rash and that if develop a fever to call back and that they’d let me know about the blood infection. Also, side note, that biopsy they did Tuesday also yielded negative results so no infection. Which is good but WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MY PORT THEN???? She also tried to give me a bit of a pep talk, saying that they only had to use the port one more time for one more chemo session. To which my response was, hell no. You are taking this thing out of me. The next time someone touches my port it’s to take the damn thing out. So I insisted on her writing up the order so that when my oncologist got back Monday, she could just sign it, send it to RDI and get me scheduled to have Chad taken out that week. So she did and now here we are.   The rest of the weekend was physically painful in ways I can’t really describe but still pretty enjoyable. I went to my sister’s best friend’s wedding which was sweet. Although I went sporting that awful rash (that I still have today- Wednesday.) And then Sunday was spent with the family celebrating my uncle’s birthday and yesterday we celebrated my cousin’s birthday too.

But let’s talk about today (8/1). CHAD HAS VACATED MY BODY THANK YOU GOD. But let me also just say that removing him was a terrible process that I was awake for and do not recommend that AT ALL. Seriously. Maybe because my port and the area around it is just generally super tender and painful and that made the process of removing it more painful than usual but whatever- point is the port removal was just as bad and traumatizing- if not more- than my first biopsy. My first biopsy which I start crying about when asked to talk about it.

I guess what doesn’t kill you make you stronger. Or it just gives you really unhealthy coping mechanisms, a morbid sense of humor and some PTSD. I really think the biopsies and the port removal and being awake for those procedures really fucked me up in the head. Someone will ask about those procedures and I kid you not I have to try not to cry or get emotional when I do. Even writing this now I’m tearing up which sucks because again things like needles and surgeries didn’t bother me before. Now I’m THAT patient. The one that although doesn’t flail and make your job harder as the person performing the procedure, they do panic and quietly cry and loudly curse a lot and probably make your job slightly entertaining but at the same time you want to roll your eyes at because you think they’re being dramatic.

Yeah, that’s now me.

First I had to check in at clinic and get my blood drawn by my nurse. After confirming that my white blood cell count was well enough to go on with the procedure I went down to RDI and waited an hour for to be called back. A nurse came to get me and led me to the room where they were gonna perform the procedure, the specialist saw my port and said, “Oh yeah, that needs to come out.” THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU FOR 6 MONTHS. So I walked into this procedure thinking it’ll be as easy as when they put the port in. They’d knock me out and I’d wake up sans Chad.

Nope.

They explained the procedure to me and right before I signed the consent forms they mentioned that I’d be awake during this and that they’d be using local anesthetic. Keep in mind, the memory of the last biopsy from last week and the anesthetic is still fresh in my mind, so my first thought was WTF. Rude. I went ahead and signed the forms because I was getting this thing out of me one way or another and I was trying not to panic about that and not be a baby about the whole thing.

They got me all set up on the same x-ray table they had used on me last week. They covered my whole body with this tent-type thing that gives them access to the area but covers the rest of my body. I started to panic a little bit more because it was weird that I wouldn’t be able to see what they’re doing. There were two nurses helping the specialist during this procedure.

The whole experience was not fun. The anesthetic hurt. A lot. I think they injected me a total of 8 times. The last 3 being because when they started cutting me open I felt something sharp rather than the pressure and pulling/tugging you’re supposed to feel when you’ve been numbed for a procedure. So apparently, I didn’t take to well to the anesthetic and honestly I could still feel sharp sensations during the procedure even after the 8 shots of anesthetic. But at that point I figured just suck it up because I didn’t want to get unnecessarily poked if the anesthetic wasn’t gonna work anyway. Either way I was going to feel pain. Pretty sure I was having a panic attack during the whole thing. I just was laying there silently crying out of pain and frustration and just being overwhelmed by everything I’m putting my body through in the name of regaining my health and wellbeing. It was like that first biopsy and feeling overwhelmed and so foreign in my own body all over again. During this procedure they took some skin samples and blood samples to see if they could figure out what kind of infection caused me to have so many issues with Chad.

After that whole ordeal, they stitched and glued me up. Trying to make myself feel better I sarcastically said, “Well that was pleasant.” To which one of the nurses responded saying, “See, it’s not so bad! Most patients end up saying it wasn’t too bad.” To which I thought, BITCH WHERE???

So then they sent me off with another batch of major antibiotics to take for the next five days, three times a day.  

So here I am, the next day FREE OF CHAD.

Next week Tuesday I’m going in for another procedure to get a PICC line put it. A PICC line is like a really long IV that stays in your arm and is threaded into one of the major veins there. Since Chad got the boot they need another way for me to receive my last chemo which they’re going to administer using the PICC line. I hear they use local anesthetic to place it too. So we’ll see how that goes. Thanks for keeping up with me everyone, I really appreciate it. 7 MORE DAYS :D

[nubnubblr]

If You Do .17

MARK

"Are you ready?" Jackson asked pacing the lounge room as he had been for almost an hour.

"Like I told you 20 minutes ago, yes," I nodded.

He was so nervous which was ridiculous, he had been talking to this girl for over a month and with they any they met I find it hard to believe that anything worse could happen today.

"What's the time?"

"Two minutes later than you last asked,"

"You're not helping," he frowned.

"You're worrying too much,"

"I'm freaking out,"

"Why don't just walk over there?"

"What if we're too early? What if they don't come?" He froze.

"Dude, would you calm down? You're just meeting a girl for lunch," I frowned.

"Exactly,"

"Come on, let's walk over there,"

I was hoping by walking the 15 minutes that some of his nervous energy would fade, or at least the sound of the city would drown out the sound of him.

THEA

"Should we get some lunch?" I asked, the nerves had caught up with me. I could feel the shaking in my hands.

"Sure," she nodded.

Thea: On our way, be there in five.

I sent Jackson a text message as we headed towards the food court, as we were going up the escalator I could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

"What's wrong with you?" Charlie frowned.

"Huh? Nothing," I shook my head as my phone vibrated.

Jackson: We are upstairs, we already ordered food so just come on up.

"Okay, what's going on?" Charlie raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing, are you hungry or should we just get something to drink?"

"Just something to drink don't want to dance on a full stomach," she shrugged.

"Lemonade?"

"Vitamin water," she shook her head.

I got out drinks and started walking towards the stairs. Charlie frowned st me.

"Why are we going upstairs? We only have drinks and I though you wanted to do some shopping?"

"I just wat to sit for five minutes," I shrugged.

CHARLIE

Something was definitely going on, normally Thea is worrying about the time and making sure that were not late. She was also way too nervous to not be up to something.

I followed her up the stairs, a guy sitting at a table next to the window waved at her shyly. He was sitting next to another guy who looked kind of familiar, actually, they both did.

"Why is he waving?"

"Because we're meeting them here," she gave an awkward smile.

"And you didnt tell me because?"

"Because I knew you would say no,"

"You could have brought BM,"

"Have you seen BM? What guy is going to want to date me after they know her my best friend?" She raised an eyebrow.

"So you thought manipulating me into a double date would be a better idea?"

"Its not a double date, and I didn't manipulate you, I just didn't tell you,"

"Two guys, two girls, double date,"

"No, Jackson and I are just meeting in person properly a d you and his friend are here for moral support,"

"I'm not sure why you would need moral support when you don't have any morals," I sighed.

I wasn't happy about it, not in the slightest and I could have left but I knew how nervous Thea was and if I left she probably would too. So I let out a sigh and followed her.

MARK

"Hey," the girl I assumed to be Thea waved awkwardly standing a foot away from the table.

"Hey," Jackson nodded nervously.

"Ah, this is Charlie," Thea smiled introducing her irritated looking friend. she was prettier in person than she was in her Instagram photos.

"This is Mark,"

"Hey," she waved again.

"You can sit down," Jackson cleared.

"Oh right," she laughed nervously.

Thea looked as nervous as Jackson but was trying harder to seem like she was fine which really only made her look more nervous. Charlie looked like she had been sucking on a lemon, I'm guessing she didn't really want to be here, and if her attitude didn't give her away the fact that she wasn't really dressed for what was for all intensive purposes a double date, sure did.

Most of her outfit was mesh, she had a tight cropped top on over what I guessed was a mesh bodysuit, black stockings that stopped halfway up her thighs, and black shorts that I'm pretty sure were actually safety shorts that you wear under short shirts, or short shorts so that you don't show off anything you don't mean too. I'm sure that's why she had the grey and white plaid shirt tied around her waist. I'm not saying she wasn't attractive in it, it's just not exactly something you would wear to lunch, more like a club.

"We ordered some food," Jackson gestured to the plates in front of us.

"I think I'm too nervous to eat," Thea stated the stared wide-eyed, I assume she didn't want to say that out loud.

"More for Mark and Charlie then," Jackson shrugged with a smile.

"I'm not hungry," Charlie shrugged, she was leaning back in her chair, arms over her chest. Clearly, she wanted everyone to know she didn't want to be here.

"Then why did you come to lunch?" I frowned, a little annoyed at her attitude.

CHARLIE

He raised an eyebrow at me, he was dressed like a douche, plain white shirt, denim jacket, black snapback on backwards. Of course this was the guy that Jackson was friends with, Thea thinks she has found the perfect guy and his friends is a total douche nugget, and of course, I was tricked into so weird double date. This is why you don't so nice things for people.

"I wasn't aware of the fact we would be dining with people," I retorted.

"She didn't know?" Jackson asked Thea.

"I'd asked her to come but she hadn't answered me so I just didn't tell her you would be here," Thea shrugged avoiding all eye contact with me.

"I'm sorry," Jackson apologized for Thea. The look on her face was the same look she gave BM when he did the same thing the only difference here was she bite her tongue.

BM

Sam was sitting on the floor under his bed with stacks of notebooks and loose paper surrounding him.

"What are you doing?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Shush," he frowned continuing to read the paper in his hand.

"Okay," I nodded.

"Dude, shush," he huffed.

"Yeah, god BM can't you see the man is trying to read his diary?" Jae commented coming up behind me.

"He doesn't keep a diary, like some people," Coco added slumping onto the lounge.

"Basically love letters to a girl he has never actually confessed too, sounds like a diary to me," Jae shrugged.

"They're not love letters," I rolled my eyes.

"What would you know?" Jae frowned at me.

"Would you guys go away?" Sam sighed.

"Are they love letters?" Coco raised an eyebrow.

"They're lyrics, to songs that I've written," Sam sighed again.

"So, yes, they're love letters," Jae mumbled.

"Stop being a dick," Coco smacked his shoulder.

SAM

"Sorry," BM gave a small smile before ushering the other two away.

Jae wasn't exactly wrong, most of these songs were written with Charlie in mind, with different feelings. Some were curiosity, some were from when I felt like it was a crush, and somewhere from some strong feeling I felt, both good and bad. So in a way, these songs were kind of like my Charlie diary, a one-sided conversation she hadn't heard and wouldn't even know as about her. But it helped me work through my feelings and they were good, relatable songs. Perfect for a band.

Charlie was right, this band was probably the closest thing I was going to have to music in a while. It was definitely going to make me miss guitar but it was better to miss guitar while still being a part of music, than to not have either.

"We're going to go get some lunch, do you want to come?" BM asked. "Can you bring me something back?" "You're not hungry?" He frowned. "I'm starving, but I'm trying to organize all of this and I don't want to leave it halfway through,"

"Why is this suddenly so important?" Jae frowned.

"Because if I'm joining a band then I need to be contributing somehow," I shrugged.

"You're joining a band?" he raised an eyebrow.

"You knew I was going to band practice with Leo,"

"But I didn't think you would actually join his band," Jae continued to frown.

"Why do you care if he joins a band or not?" Coco asked.

"Because he's my guy, who am I supposed to busk with?"

"Technically you make him set up and do a few songs to draw an audience, you don't really busk together," BM pointed out.

"Are you going to take his place?"

"No,"

"Then shut up,"

"Dude, you're currently forming a band," I stated.

"Maybe I was going to ask you to join my band,"

"Where you?" Coco raised an eyebrow.

"Are you kidding me? We're both lead vocal, you can't have two of those in one band,"

"Also his voice is better than yours," she smirked.

"Okay, rude," they stated bickering with each other.

"I'll bring you something back," BM stated.

THEA

Charlie was so mad right now, honestly, if I had of know that Mark was going to be a total douche then I wouldn't have tricked her into coming, but Jackson made him out to seem great and I didn't see the harm, until now.

They were all but glaring at each other across the table, as if I wasn't nervous enough now I was worried about how awkward the atmosphere was and how mad Charlie was going to be when we left. She wasn't exactly fun to be around when she is mad, especially when she is mad at you, she is actually a little frightening.

"Why don't we eat?" Jackson suggested.

"She doesn't want to eat," Mark commented. I frowned at Jackson, he just shrugged, he seemed to be as confused as I was.

"Dude, what's your issue?" Jackson tried to ask quietly.

"I don't have an issue," he shrugged.

"Are you seriously all pissy because I don't want to eat lunch with you?" Charlie frowned.

"Don't flatter yourself, I could care less if you ate with me, but you would think with your friend being nervous and on a date, you could be a little more supportive,"

"Okay, one, we're not friends. Two, you're one to talk, you're actually attacking me right now, and three, even if I wanted to eat something, that looks like it would melt a volcano so why would any sane person choose to consume it?"

"I think you're just coming up with an excuse to not eat," Mark muttered.

"What?"

"I'm just saying girls like you, usually have an eating disorder," he shrugged.

"Girls like me?" she raised an eyebrow.

"Mmm," he nodded waving his hand up and down gesturing to her body.

"Excuse me?"

"I'm just saying that you don't look like you ever eat,"

"And you look like you hand out at a skate-park all day but can't actually skate," she retorted.

"He can skate," Jackson commented.

"I don't hang out at a skate park all day, I actually have a job," he looked at her accusingly.

"I have a job,"

"I mean a real one, that pays taxes,"

"Seriously?" Charlie snapped.

"Dude, what's that supposed to me?" Jackson frowned, confused.

"He's insinuating Charlie is a lady of the night," I filed him in.

"Not just the night apparently,"

"Dude," Jackson frowned.

"Whatever, even losers are allowed opinions, even if they are wrong," Charlie said, looking away from the table. She was just getting more irritated and Mark wasn't helping but I'm sure he already knew that.

"We actually have to be somewhere tonight, so we should probably get going,"

"Off to work?"

"Are you worried you'll see me when you go and hire your entertainment for the night?" she raised an eyebrow.

"I don't pay for sex,"

"So is that rape or stealing?" Charlie challenged.

"Oh my gosh, we should leave now," I sighed.

"I'll text you later," I waved to Jackson as we left.

"What the hell?" I frowned at Charlie as we walked away.

"Don't you what the hell me," she retorted.

"You didn't need to be so rude,"

"You ambushed me with a double date, how exactly did you expect me to react?"

JACKSON

"Sorry man," Mark stated as he continued eating.

"It's not really your fault, Thea shouldn't of surprised her friend," I sighed.

"Her friend is kind of a bitch," he mentioned.

"You did basically call her a prostitute with an eating disorder,"

"I said girls like her, she's the one who decides to take it personally," he shrugged.

Thea: Hey, I'm sorry about that. She isn't normally that rude, I shouldn't have ambushed her.

Jackson: He doesn't normally get like that either, he would have just been silent and ignored her. I don't know what's wrong with him today.

Thea: Sexual tension? haha.

Jackson: They would be perfect for each other, wouldn't they?"

Thea: Only one way to find out.

Jackson: Sounds like a plan.

Thea: My birthday is next week, I'm having a party on the Saturday, you should both come.

"Did you see the way she was dressed?" Mark mumbled to himself.

"She's a dancer, I'm pretty sure she has a show tonight,"

"Doesn't she need more clothes to be taking them off?" he commented.

"She'snot even here to defend herself," I frowned at him.

"Just because she wasn't aware of this lunch doesn't really give her the right to be rude, there are other ways to handle it than having an attitude," he continued, ignoring my comment.

"You're really not going to let this go?"

"Let what go?" he shrugged as if he hadn't been ranting out it.

"I'm just saying that you two were already nervous enough, she didn't have to make things worse so that they left early,"

"You say that like you didn't help her make things worse?"

"Whatever," he shook his head.

"You really don't like her?" I raised an eyebrow.

"What gave it away?" he frowned at me like I was an idiot.

"I'm just saying, if you actually hated her then you wouldn't be wasting your time getting mad about it," I shrugged.

"That's the dumbest theory I've ever heard,"

JAE

"Yo Bro," I called out when Thea and Charlie walked through the bar door. Thea frowned at me.

"Not you dwarf," I frowned back.

"Is BM upstairs?" she rolled her eyes at me.

"I'm not his keeper," I shrugged.

"You're such an ass,"

"Are you guys just sexually frustrated with each other?" BM commented coming out of the storeroom.

"That's disgusting," I dry heaved.

"No, disgusting is see you two make out," he added.

"Seriously?" Thea snapped at him.

"If you guys are coming to my show tonight you need to get ready, I have to be there in an hour and a half," Charlie commented dropping into the seat next to me.

"I've got to man the bar tonight," BM shook his head.

"You're leaving me alone with that?" Thea pulled a face at me.

"Just don't make out, Sam doesn't need that and it will distract Charlie from her performance,"

"When are you going to let that go?" Thea snapped.

"Uhh, never,"

"I'm going home to change, do you need anything?" Thea turned to Charlie. Charlie just gave her a look, Thea nodded and turned on her heels.

Charlie looked pissed, Thea was quick to leave the room so I was assuming that the surprise double date had gone exactly the way I'd expected it. BM went back into the storeroom to continue with stock take.

"How was your date?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You knew about it?"

"Hey, no, I found out about it this morning. Would I have let you blindly walk into that if  I'd of known in advance?"

"You are a dick,"

"I'm also you're bro," I pointed out.

"I guess,"

"So how did it go?"

"You thrive on drama huh?" she frowned at me.

"It's where I get my energy," I nodded.

"The guy was a total dick," she began to tell me about what had happened. The more she told me the more I hated the guy. How dare he insinuate she was a whore, that's only okay when I do it, or Thea, but it takes one to know one.

"Rude," I frowned.

"Right!" she sighed.

"What a tool, do you want me to fight him?"

"You would die," she raised an eyebrow.

"Not in a mental fight," I shrugged.

"What are you going to do? Insult him until he cries?"

"If that's what it takes to defeat him,"

"I think you're confusing real life with a video game," she sighed.

"No, if I was I would have threatened to shoot him,"

"Dude, you suck at first-person shooter games,"

"No, I suck against you because you've found a way to cheat and won't tell me,"

"I don't cheat, you just can't play," she frowned.

"That's what a cheater would say,"

"You're an idiot," she rolled her eyes, but she was in a better mood and that's really all I was aiming for.

Charlie was the closest thing I had to family, I mean I have parents but I don't see them often and they don't really know me as well and Charlie does, she's like a second brother. I joke and insult her, but I would kill someone for her, or help her cover up a murder. Not that I would ever tell her that.

SAM

"Hey," Thea wandered into the lounge room. Jae and BM kept interrupting me so I'd mad BM bring me and my piles of paper and books back to the girls' house.

"Hey," I nodded.

I had finally gotten some organisation, I had finished songs, half finished song, melodies, lyrics without melodies, verses, and just music lines. I didn't realise how much I actually had until I'd started going through it.

"What are you doing?"

"Figuring out what songs would work for a band,"

"Oh, are you coming to Charlie's dance show tonight?" she asked even though she knew the answer.

"Yeah,"

"Well, I'm just here to get changed and then we are going to head up there,"

"Okay, I'll get ready in a minute," I nodded as I started packing the paper up. I knew if I left it out either the cats or dogs would get into it and because this is old work I didn't yet have a digital copy which means these are the only copies I have.

"No problem," she nodded.

"So how mad is Charlie at you?" I smirked slightly.

"Don't even go there," she shook her head walking away.

BM

"So why aren't you coming tonight?" Jae frowned at me.

"Because I could only find someone to cover this shift one day this weekend and I need tomorrow off,"

"Why?"

"Thea's burlesque show," I shrugged.

"Ew," he visibly shuddered.

"She has a show tomorrow?" Charlie frowned.

"As far as I know, I wrote it down so I could work it into the rosters," I nodded.

"Why? Who actually wants to see her dance around half naked?"

"I'm pretty sure you do," Charlie commented.

"That's disgusting,"

"It's okay, you can tell her I forced you to go so you can continue to pretend you hate her," Charlie patted his shoulder.

"You say that like I'm going,"

"You are going," she stated.

"Why?"

"Because you're in love with her,"

"And she's our friend, we should go and support her," I added.

"She is not my friend, and I am not in love with her," he defended himself.

"Sure you're not," Charlie nodded.

"Are you jealous?" He countered.

"If you're not friends then why did you pull out the photos of her being fat and throw them out?" I challenged.

"You pulled photos out of the Polaroid box for her? My god you really do love her," Charlie stared at him shocked.

"I did not,"

"I watched you do it," I nodded.

"So you get her drunk, pull out the photos she hates from a box that has a stick do not remove rule, and then you make out with her? Who are you?" Charlie shook her head.

"Why is this on me? We were both there,"

"Yeah but she went on a date today, clearly she isn't hung up on you like you're hung up on her," Charlie stated.

"I actually hate you people,"

[saviormysticmeme]

Hey, can I request RFA+V+Saeran reacting to a SuicideGirl!MC? The idea just pop up in my head lolol. I loooooove your blog hehe stay awesome

RFA+V+Saeran react to SuicideGirl!MC

Some NSFW

Ok so I had to look up what ‘Suicide Girl’ meant and what Urban Dictionary told me is that it’s an alternative style that’s somewhere between emo/goth and pin up. My type of girl and it was also noted that they’re pretty sexual and kind of known for their style of erotic pics and sometimes porn. 

If this isn’t what you meant and you actually meant then let me know but I think I got this one 

So let’s go!

Yoosung

He’s a stuttering mess

He never knew he was into this style until he met you

He didn’t know what a Suicide Girl was but you explained it to him and he constantly blushes “Wait so…so you’re a p-porn star??”

You blush a little “Well I wouldn’t say star…”

He has a fucking nosebleed. He has nosebleeds everyday when you’re trying on new outfits because you change right in front of him and oh mah gawwww 

Your tattoos. Your piercings. The way you move. Everything. And you always send him coy little glances knowing damn well you’re giving this boy the most raging boners.

Sometimes you ask him if he can help you take pictures ;*

Sometimes you send him pictures. Your photo shoots are anywhere between PG and Rated R for Rad as Fuck  or Raging Boner. Whatever.

He always tries to make sure he’s not near anyone when he opens them, but one time he accidentally opened one of your pics up when he’s with his friends

It was Rated R

On the fluffier side of things

You guys dye each others hair and exchange hair clips

You constantly rave about how much you love his eyes and it makes him blush. Sometimes you wear purple contacts and the two of you take a fuck ton of selfies.

Speaking of the selfies

They’re always so cute

You look so fierce and poised and Yoosung usually has a shocked look on his face cause “MC, you’re a model I look like-”

“You look cute Yoosung now come on”

And you start snapping away. About 20 selfies in he gets a little more confident, so he starts getting a big dopey grin on his face

It’s so cute. You look like Edgelord McGee and he’s just this little Vanilla Cone with a swirl of Awkward 

10/10 for opposites attract

Jaehee

At first it was a total ‘Whoa what’ moment, but she loves and accepts you as her girlbestfriend :)

:))))))))))))))

She loves how confident you seem in all your pictures. It’s clear you’re doing something that makes you happy and that makes her happy.

The tongue piercing also makes her happy

She has seen all your photo shoots, she even has some physical copies of her favorite shots

The kicker is she doesn’t have them just because they’re hot

She genuinely enjoys some of your photo shoots, talking about how they’re very tasteful statement pieces

She flatters you constantly without meaning to just by going on about how good you are with keeping your style consistent but making variations to fit the social setting

You think she’s talking about how even at RFA parties you’re elegant, but your dark pinup taste is evident with your V cut black dress with the leg slit accompanied by the stilettos and choker. 

 But who really knows. 

You’ve totally tried dressing her up before

Remember in her route how she asked about dark lipstick?

It works for her. 

Works reaallllllly well. 

But she’s pretty awkward about it all 

“I don’t know, MC, I don’t think I’m bold enough for this style”

You give a small pout as you undress her, but that frown is quickly turned upside down because

Hey you’re undressing Baehee B)

Zen

He’s so down

You were worried because he always talks about you being his ‘Princess’ and being a Suicide Girl wasn’t very…. ‘Princessy’

He agrees. It isn’t.

It’s very…. ‘Queeny’

It totally reminds him of his motorcycle gang days

When you two go out he loves to wear his leather jackets and dark sunglasses, but his favorite accessory is his hand wrapped around your waist.

You two are constantly serving L o o k s

Some of his fans rag on you for your promiscuous activities, but Zen shuts that shit down real quick.

Some really skeevy Paparazzos will try getting a rise out of him

“Hey Zen, how do you feel about anyone and everyone seeing your girlfriend naked?”

Zen whips around, staring daggers into this man, half of him fighting the urge to FUCKIN BRAWL

You tighten your grip on his arm and whisper in his ear “They can see me, but you’re the only one who gets to touch baby”

His scowl quickly turns into a grin as he looks at you.

T H E B E A S T H A S A W O K E N

He ignores the paparazzi and rushes you to the car so you two can rush the fuck home and get

Nasty. 

That’s the way to describe the sex between you two because he can’t control himself whatsoever when you’ve got those tattoos, those piercings, that hair. The attitude.

And fuck, half the comments on your photos are just guys telling you what the want to do with you in a bedroom so you know how to please Zen.

Sometimes he gets jealous and a little pissy about all the people commenting on your videos and photos 

But he remembers you’re just in the performance game, same as him. 

And when you promise that you’re all his

Well

huehuehue

Jumin

He’s so conflicted

This is not an image he can be associated with, not as the future CEO of C&R. And his father is quick to remind him of that, constantly breathing down Jumin’s neck about how he can’t be seen with you.

But Jumin loves you…and honestly the style is a bit of a guilty pleasure

He likes the leather, the chains, the tattoos and piercings. 

They were things he never saw women wearing when he grew up

It made it very easy for his subconscious to latch onto you because you were nothing like any woman his father ever brought home. You were nothing like the women who had tried using Jumin for his money

You were something new and he liked it. A lot.

So even he was a little heartbroken to hear you say you’d change your style so you two could be seen in public together. You’d quit your job. You’d be whatever he needed because you loved him and didn’t want to hinder his life. He came home one day to find you dressed head to toe in casual clothes, your piercings taken out, your hair dyed all black instead of the plethora of colors it had been before.

Fuck that

He picked up his phone and started making a series of calls. First to the hair dresser, then to a stylist, then to 707.

“Jumin what are you doing??” You asked, confused as to why he wasn’t happy with your new appearance.

“You’re not changing for me.” He grunted in between calls. “I want you to be happy when you’re with me, not playing dress up and acting like something you’re not.”

You guys reached an agreement

707 would wipe any traceable history of your videos and more racy pictures so no one could connect you to the more sexual part of your career. You’d get your hair done however you wanted, and you chose to get it done a nice, dark navy color, something still fun but a little more subdued. You put most of your piercings back in, leaving a few out, and a stylist would pick out nothing but the best clothes that matched your style while maintaining a very elegant look.

One day Jumin tells you to turn on a TV to a local fashion network

You do and suddenly you see a stream of pictures pouring across the screen featuring key points of SuicideGirl style and the host going ‘Is the American ‘SuicideGirl’ style coming to Korea? While previously receiving a lot of scrutiny, we’re seeing a new shift in this trend that makes it look very … classy. Especially if you look at M.C., girlfriend of C&Rs very own Jumin Han’ 

A picture of you and Jumin walking down the street together is shown, both of you freshly dressed to death looking good as hell. Jumin is looking right at the paparazzi’s camera…like he knew it was there

“Jumin…did you convince a fashion network that I’m a classy alternative fashion icon?”

“It’s amazing what money can do. Now…I can enjoy you for you” He purred the last part as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into a kiss

707

He loves it. 

You’re the perfect mix of pinup and alternative. The red lipstick and tattoos combo really turns him on.

He took your professional photos and made them his background on everything

His 7 computes

His tablet

His ipod

He hacked all his gaming systems so you’re the background/opening screen

The only place he doesn’t have one of your pro pics is his phone

That’s reserved for silly pictures of you two

He loves just tracing your tattoos with his fingers, talking about them, planning your next ones with you

Planning out all your outfits with you

He tries helping you dye your hair but that never works well for anyone.

He kisses every single one of your facial piercings all the time and the other ones

He occasionally buys fake tattoo sleeves and magnet piercings and dresses up like you

He uploads his photos to the same sites you’re on and sometimes this motherfucker gets more views 

He always reads through the comments left on your videos and photos. If someones messing with you or get a little too raunchy, bet your ass their computer is fucked.

“Seven people are complaining their computers crash when they comment on my stuff”

“Huh, weird”

V

He’s a little uncomfortable with the video career. Just because he knows there are so many people being so…crude towards you because of it. You assure him it’s nothing, but he just hates the idea of anyone saying anything sexual or rude to you

He makes a proposal: You model for him instead. Photos of you to be put in galleries instead of online posts for sexual deviants to get their kicks off of

And you two can record your own private videos

I’ll let you decide if you take him up on it or not

Anyways

You probably saw this one coming but

So. Many. Photos.

He’s never had a subject like you and he’s eating it up

His photos always had a calm, peaceful, serene tone to them

The photos he takes of you? Passionate, daring, sexual. 

You pose for days and you two could go for hours.

He’s never been bothered by nude models, but when you start stripping your clothes he gets a little flustered

“MC, we don’t have to do nude if you’d rather not. I know we have a relationship so if you’d rather save yourself…”

You grin at him, unclip your bra, and drop it all while maintaining eye contact

His eyes widen, his mouth drops, and his camera flash goes off. 

Even if he gets his eyes fixed, his time being blind made him reliant on his other senses, especially touch.

Sometimes when you two are spooning, you take his hand and have him trace all your tattoos. Every time you hit a piercing he gently circles it with his index finger, and traces the shapes of the ones you have that aren’t typical rounds. 

Everyone admits they never imagined you two getting together, but you foil each other nicely. 

Sometimes you slip edgier pieces into his wardrobe

“MC, I don’t remember having black pants that were this…tight”

“Try them on. Trust me.” You grin when he can’t deny you the satisfaction of trying them on.

Saeran

Need I say it?

You two are the Edgelords of the century

You take pictures with him all the time and post him, constantly sending your followers into fits over the fact you guys are ‘#Goals’ or how ‘Oh my god they’re both so hot’

You get a few comments that are “Do a video together!”

Saeran doesn’t get it. What do they mean about a video together.

When he finds out

Ho

Hohohohoho

He gets so flustered and uppity. He’s pissed at your followers. “Tell them to fuck off”

But he never says he opposed to doing a video just for the two of you

Anyways

You guys take each other’s shit constantly. You’re constantly wrapped up in his hoodies, he’s always swiping your hats and belts.

Dye each other’s hair of course

Tattoo dates. Matching ones? Sure. But even when it’s just one of you getting one the other comes along and they make a day out of it

He follows you to work all the time

Someones taking racy pictures of you? If they’re a dirtbag about it I’m breaking their jaw.

You and some of your Suicide Girl friends are going out in public together? Saeran follows, never far behind.

Any douchebags on the street give you problems? He breaks their jaw. 

He goes through the comments on your videos

And they piss him off so much, but then you remind him that you’re all his

Alllll hisss