#I’m not extroverted or outgoing. my problems can’t be solved by making new friends or putting myself out there more | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nctbtsships-blog · 7 years ago

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Hi! nct127 ship pretty pls? I am 168cm tall and thin but toned bc i dance. I have medium brown hair and deep brown feline eyes. Im cold or even scary at first but i actually am extra, loud and a huge dork. Im soft towards the people for who i care but definately not a pushover. Im not the most confident person ever but not self consious either. I love cooking, doing housework and spoiling others so my friends call me mom even though Im usually the youngest. I once tried to rap and choked. I prefer street/casual style but i can pull off fancy clothing anytime. I wear round perscription glasses most of the time. I cringe a lot when clothes dont match. My laugh is loud and i sometimes slap others’ arms while laughing. My bff says that i am a soft kitten but i look like a bad strong bitch. When someone is in a bad mood i do everything to see them smiling again. Im bad at acting cute on purpose but my friends say that i do cute stuff without realising. I am reliable but i love it when i feel like i can depend on someone and let them spoil me too.

Hi! Thank you so much for sending in a ship! We (admins) have been super busy and we apologize for the wait. Nonetheless here is your ship:

I will not be including anything about your appearance in this ship because I figured that this is a personality ship. It would be unfair to include appearance in a personality ship because that is what the selca ship is for. Please understand that.

You didn’t say if you were a boy or girl so I will keep this as gender neutral as I can.

You mainly described yourself with about 3 main ideas.

You know your intimidating,

You know your naturally adorable,

You know you have your own definition of soft.

I find that you repeat these things in your description but adds more examples each time. I’m assuming that these are big factors of you which will be a huge factor into who I ship you with.

In NCT 127 I ship you with:

Taeil

Ahh yes our shy cheerleader with amazing vocals. This one is a keeper! When I read your description I naturally picked up some things and dug a little deeper in the words you used to describe yourself. You mainly used words that complements an extrovert. You also have a sense of trust with people you’ve never met. For example you put in some basic details in who you are to a literal random stranger online but you didn’t put anything into specific details. Which leads me to think that you have certain levels of trust people must attain in order to get to know you better. Which I find similar to Taeil. Honestly everyone has their own levels of trust, but when you look at the similarity @ you and taeil, it’s a natural ship.

Here are some things I noticed about you that made you compatible with Taeil:

Doesn’t leave much of an impression

Untroubled

Ordinary

Okay so these aren’t the most descriptive words and not the best word choices but let me explain this one. Doesn’t leave much of an impression is something you wouldn’t expect on this one. Yes, if we were talking physically, people seem to think of you as cold at first but they learn you are actually really sweet. In my opinion I don’t think Taeil would think like that. In fact what would leave an impression is if you ate a can of peas while squashing pickles and eating chocolate at the same time.

People pass and go all the time. Within seconds you determine who a person is in your head, so if he saw you as cold, he would probably just see you as another person. I mean if you look at it like this, all people you meet for a first time can seem distant at first. Scary is a powerful word choice but it doesn’t make you any less human from 5 second interaction. You putting up a guard doesn’t make you less human in fact I think it makes you more human if anything. He sees that your just a normal human who puts a good distance and I think he finds that normal. More in depth, comfortable. It’s the classic attraction route.

Okay so maybe untroubled isn’t the best adjective to use but I didn’t want to use ‘easy’. As I’ve mentioned before you put yourself out there. I don’t mean like share all your secrets out there but I mean you were willing to tell me who you are and what your like as a person. Taeil in my mind is a very simple person. You tell something about yourself, he’ll tell something about himself. You also give off a great first get to know someone. If you look at how you described yourself, you never stated any of your faults. You showed the side of yourself that is positive, kind, outgoing, natural.

I think it adds charm not only in the sense that your a good person, but once he knows one of your faults he’s established a new level in your relationship. Now i’m not saying he would treat your relationship like a game, no not what i’m saying. He would just find it so heartwarming once he’s figured out a little something imperfect or what some people consider as faults. You put some special trust in him and it makes his heart flutter a little faster every time.

When I read your description over and over again, I would see Taeil falling for you over and over again. People make the word ordinary seem like a bad thing but in this case it’s a good thing. You have dominant traits which make you attractive and you have the characteristics of (what i think is) Taeil’s ideal type. Your out there, you have confidence, you cheer people up, you spoil people, you aren’t too dramatic and you are naturally adorable. I think what Taeil finds attractive about this is just the simplicity that goes with it. It just fascinates him every time, how adorable you are and intriguing you get as time passes by. This is key for a long relationship. Even though he’s more on the shy side, I promise the cheerleader cutie won’t fail to play his part of the boyfriend role.

But with every positive thing comes a negative thing. Here are some things that I noticed that could cause conflict with the ship. These are very minor details but they do affect the ship.

I just want to remind whatever I write here is not meant to be offensive in any way. This is purely just things I noticed. If I have put anything offensive here please do not hesitate to contact me. I will immediately take it out and apologize right away.

Here are some minor things I noticed:

Mix of introvert and Extrovert

Time

I think this is just a natural thing that is bounded to happen. The clash of introvert and extrovert. Ah yes, the classic clash. There will be times where I it might get awkward or stale even in the conversation, but both of your dorkiness will help to push through it and continue. I can’t really put detail on this, but this seems about right.

Timing. There is a time and place for everything. Whether it is for the better or for the worse, everything happens for a reason. Now, all I’m saying with this, is that you may run into some timing trouble. What I mean by that is when you both kinda know or don’t know when your relationship has advanced. I don’t see this happening all the time. Very rarely actually. When one breaks down, the other should be able to see that. But see this is where i’m so conflicted because I can see that either 2 things could happen. 1) Either one of you’s motherly side comes out solving the problem. Or 2) Both motherly side comes out and you both end up keeping something to yourself. Which could cause doubt and NOW IM SO CONFUSED HOW I TOOK DOWN NOTES ON YOU UGHHHHH.

ANYWAYS THAT CONCLUDES THIS SHIP AND IM SO SORRY FOR MAKING YOU WAIT SO LONG ON YOUR SHIP. I hope you enjoyed this ship and I had a bunch of fun writing it! Maybe even send in a selca ship one day? Who knows. Have a nice day!

-Admin Taelily

#nct ship #nct #nct u #nct 127 #nct dream #taeyong #taeil #johnny #mark #yuta #doyoung #jaehyun #winwin #haechan #admin taelily #submission

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psychicmedium14 · 7 years ago

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I can’t stand chaos. I hate loud environments. Art makes me cry. Bright lights hurt my eyes. Were you just maybe kind of a little bit rude in that email you just sent me? I’ll have a bad taste in my mouth about it for, oh, probably about a week (*cough* a month) now. To address what you are no doubt thinking: No, I am not a frigid, antisocial, boring buzzkill. In fact, if I do say so myself, I’m actually quite fun and outgoing when I need to be. I am, however, a very deep processor, extremely aware of the emotions of myself and others, and an avid appreciator of little things in life that often go unnoticed—in other words, I am a textbook example of what is referred to as an HSP, or a highly sensitive person. If you, like myself and 20 percent of the population, fall into this category, you likely often feel isolated because you’re unable to enjoy (or even simply tolerate) certain tasks and activities in the same ways that your peers do. The good news: this isn't because you're disdainful or just plain difficult. Recent research has shown that these reactions are actually due to a slightly different chemistry in the brains of HSPs—notably, increased blood flow in the areas that process emotion, awareness, and empathy. So while your aversions may be difficult to accept at times, it’s important to understand that this is truly just the way you’re wired, and you honestly probably aren’t quite as weird as you think. Are you an HSP? Think about someone you’d consider to be highly sensitive—I’m guessing you probably brought to mind someone who always sobs at chick flicks or is immediately offended by a seemingly harmless, offhand remark from a friend or colleague. While this type of emotional sensitivity is often apparent in an HSP, it’s not as simple as being "overly emotional." In fact, there is one huge indicator of a true HSP that you may not be aware of—physical sensitivity. Among other telltale signs, HSPs exhibit a high measure of sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), which is a personality trait that has been described as having hypersensitivity to external stimuli, high emotional reactivity, and greater depth of cognitive processing. So basically, an HSP is someone who is extra sensitive to all internal and external stimuli, and he or she is probably thinking just a little more about, well, everything, than your average Joe. Here's what it feels like to be a highly sensitive person. From an emotional standpoint, a careless heckle from a road-raging stranger can leave an HSP shaken for hours. Being given an overwhelming assignment at work may cause them to have a mini breakdown—though likely not until later, once they are alone. On the other hand, the sight of a grandfather playing with his grandkids or an unexpected compliment from a friend can leave an HSP elated for days. Personally, for reasons I have yet to understand, whenever I walk into an extraordinarily designed church (even though I am not religious) or hear beautiful, symphonic music, I immediately start to tear up and have little control over it. From a physical standpoint, sights, sounds, smells, textures, physical pain, consuming too much caffeine or sugar, not getting enough sleep, or even feelings of hunger can really throw an HSP for a loop. When an HSP experiences any of the above beyond a threshold that would seem quite low to a non-HSP, it makes it nearly impossible to concentrate or feel comfortable in their surroundings—and often, for reasons that may come off as bizarre to "outsiders." Perhaps an HSP can’t stand a stranger’s perfume at the grocery store, so they switch lines at the checkout. Or maybe they always need to be wearing sunglasses, even on the cloudiest of days, in order to shield their sensitive retinas from the sun. Maybe an hour or two into a party, they’ve disappeared to a quiet corner with fewer people or have even gone home because it was just too noisy. While this all may seem like odd or anti-social behavior, it likely isn’t because they are either of those things—it’s simply because of their characteristically low tolerance for external stimuli that often feels like it's attacking from every angle. Being an HSP: the good & the bad. It’s definitely true that we all have our sensitive moments. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who hasn’t been devastated by a breakup or saddened by harsh criticism. But for HSPs, the bad news is that their physical and emotional experiences are always processed at such a constant, high intensity, that it can really shape their lives—often as much as gender and race do—and often in ways that don’t adhere to the expectations of an extroverted society. Things like job performance, friendships, and romances can be greatly altered when one feels all these stimuli so deeply. Also, because one is so highly aware of his or her surroundings at all times, HSPs do tend to have an increased risk of depression and anxiety—but there are a few ways to fix that. Now, going back to the thought that HSPs aren't actually buzzkills, I’d like to address all of the good things about being an HSP—because while this personality trait may sometimes seem like a curse, it is indeed a gift. Here are the top 10 reasons I couldn’t be more grateful to be an HSP: 1. HSPs really, genuinely care—and they are good at it. If a loved one, colleague, or acquaintance is going through a tough time, it’s very difficult for an HSP to walk away from the emotional situation without getting invested, thinking deeply about the issue, and offering their insights. 2. HSPs tend to be highly creative. They are attuned to subtleties of all kinds, and a richness in things that others may overlook. They draw inspiration from their complex inner lives, and in turn, create beauty, joy, and inspiration for others. 3. HSPs are incredibly conscientious and take great pride in their tasks. They work very hard to make sure things are done right and make great employees in roles that allow for autonomy, space, and time to ponder. 4. HSPs feel more deeply. While this can be a bit hindering when negative emotions arise, it also means that feelings of elation can reach a higher intensity than in non-HSPs. 5. HSPs are very sensitive to animals. Because they are so in tune with energies, emotions, and the lesser-noticed things in life, they are often especially sensitive to animals and how they are handled. 6. HSPs have passion like no other. It’s often very easy for an HSP to experience genuine, blind passion for a topic—so much so that it seems they are almost bursting with it. 7. HSPs are a genuine bunch. They have a hard time faking interest in topics, people, tasks, and activities that don’t suit them, leaving more time to cultivate themselves, friendships, and the interests that help them to feel fulfilled. 8. HSPs make life about finding meaning. They are often driven by an internal search for meaning, and if something doesn’t feel meaningful, they can’t just "do it anyway"—they need to silence or filter it out. 9. HSPs are great at having deep, meaningful conversations. They often loathe small talk and unnecessary discussions because really, who has time for that? 10. HSPs are amazing problem solvers. HSPs are extremely contemplative and will often take time to process and ponder an issue following a conversation. They're not "out of sight, out of mind" types of people, and will keep cognitively working on solving problems and coming up with ideas if a conversation hasn't completely resolved a question (bringing us back to No. 1). Here's how to know if you're an HSP. Thinking you might be a highly sensitive person? Here are a few simple questions to ask yourself to better assess: • Do loud environments make you want to run and hide? • Do you get really irritable when you’re hungry?• Does attending a musical, visiting an art gallery, or reading poetry stir up your emotions? • Does having several different tasks to complete actually make you less productive because you become overwhelmed and stressed? • Do you consider yourself abnormally empathetic? • Does it take you longer than most to make decisions? • Do you hate open office plans and prefer to work in private, calm environments? • Do you despise violent movies? • Do you easily sense when other people are feeling overwhelmed? • Does presenting to an audience often go poorly because you loathe working in front of watchful eyes? • After a long day, do you need solo, quiet time to recharge? If you answered yes more times than not, chances are you’re an HSP. Congrats! You’re part of a club of deep-thinking, creative doers who might just need a little more quiet time than most. Embrace your sensitivity! Being a highly sensitive person doesn't mean there's something wrong with you—it simply means that you process sensory data more deeply than most, and while this has its drawbacks, it also has many beautiful and unique advantages. Recognizing that you're an HSP is the first step to embracing it and to learning how to better care for you sensitives. Now get out there and make that hypersensitivity work for you!

#introvert #highly sensitive person #empathic

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mychemicalrant · 7 years ago

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Jobs Part 3

(Parts One and Two of my job history and analysis here.)

Back to my job history and why I feel that being on the spectrum has influenced my ability to hold and succeed at jobs:

Here’s the story of how I got my first office job, a job that involved managing inventory and customers for a rental company. It was a phone job. Let me tell you how I got a phone job, because it wasn’t by personal choice.

It all started from a pagan meetup group I was attending at the time. The host of this group had what I considered a surprisingly boring day job: he was a manager at a local office for a rental company. It struck me as an odd choice but it paid the bills, which is all that matters I guess?

This pagan group did a lot for me socially and spiritually. One night I was telling the host about my job history, my struggles, and my skills. He remarked, “I have some hours available this summer. You should work for me!”

I balked. This job was 45 minutes and several towns away from where I lived. That meant I would have to be driven to and from this job which would be an added inconvenience. But my friend reassured me that I more than qualified, it sounded like. “You’ll just manage inventory, take a few phone calls once in awhile. It’s easy; you’ll see!”

After some encouragement and support I swallowed my fears and went to work for him. TL;DR story after the cut.

When my friend, an ENTJ 8w7, said “take a few phone calls once in awhile” what he meant was take over 100 calls on a busy day. The job was basically a call center job, which meant that taking and making calls was practically the whole job. He neglected to mention that, because his energy and enthusiasm for directive extroversion meant he didn’t see any problem with this. Within months my ability to socialize and do anything other than the work-home cycle diminished because all I had the spoons for were necessities.

Here was the structure of the job: be hooked into the VoIP system to take all incoming calls from customers calling about their orders; make calls to customers informing them of their orders; manage incoming and outgoing equipment; manage daily reports; handle legal recovery issues (such as when equipment was stolen or involved in a crime). What that meant was that we were expected to do reports and match inventory to customer orders, all while being constantly interrupted by PhOnE cALLs!!!

The second day I came into the office my boss put me on the phones. I had no idea what I was doing or what to say, but he assured me that calls usually followed a particular pattern and once I learned the pattern the calls would become easier.

He was right about that, but there was another element. The nature of our job meant that while most calls followed a pattern, every day we’d get a weird thing that would come up so infrequently we’d have to find a new solution for it. That meant that any call could be an entirely new, unprecedented situation that I would have no idea how to handle, and the anxiety of facing these situations caused me so much stress I wanted to die. My heart pounded while I sat at my desk waiting for calls to come in. I stayed awake at night dreading the next shift. I could barely cope. I cried and started drinking in earnest to deal with the stress. I considered suicide.

I spent three and a half torturous years at this job before I was finally able to quit.

Here’s the thing. Rule number one of CBT/ERP: face the cause of anxiety head on and over time the anxiety will diminish. Never, for one moment in those three and a half years, did my anxiety diminish. I sweated over every little change in my schedule and hours (my boss kept it as consistent as he could for me, though). I agonized over each shift. I’d have several days off in a row and would spend them fretting over going back. I lived my life in terror of that job. I slowly lost my energy and then lost my friends. I didn’t have the energy to socialize anymore. My pagan meetup group fell by the wayside and I was glad to see it go, despite how much I had loved it once. I just couldn’t anymore.

I’m not going to do a timeline of when things happened and how, because there was no specific event so much as patterns that developed. I’ll describe each instance and the challenge it presented to me, as well as how this all started to add up to something bigger.

The phone calls:

The phone calls were not our only task, so they ran in the background of what we were supposed to be doing. That meant being balls deep in a report and being INTERRUPTED over and over. That meant dropping everything you were working on to take a call and deal with some new problem. That meant taking call after call after call, regardless of whether you were finished saving or editing the last customer’s order. That meant taking so many calls sometimes that it was all you did that day.

I didn’t even realize I was doing it until it was pointed out by coworkers, but I’d groan in frustration every time my phone rang. It was so aggravating and disrupting. I made a conscious effort not to groan out loud but it’d slip through sometimes anyway. It was a small office and no one really cared but these popcorn phone calls were just so frustrating and I never got over that.

The ENRAGED customers:

This was the first thing you’d notice about the job. Our customers were angry. I mean about-to-lose-their-house-mother-is-dying-tweaking-hard angry. We served a poor, drug heavy population and basically screwed them over by making promises we couldn’t keep. We overbooked on too little equipment again and again and again. It was my job to offer “alternatives” and to get SCREAMED AT by frothing customers every day. I took severe verbal beatings which did nothing to help my trauma from growing up with verbal/mental/emotional child abuse. The stress of having to solve everyone’s problems ate at me. I don’t even need to tell you how fucked up and toxic this was. And you know what? Companies make their money promising you shit they can’t deliver. They overbook on purpose and make it sound like you’ll get what you want. You won’t. Anyway, verbal abuse, toxic environment. I’ll move on.

Shifting Expectations:

Our local offices had a special problem regarding inventory management that was entirely out of our control. Despite the fact that the company was working on solving the problem and trying to help us with our California drought, so to speak, each week I’d come into the office with a new and arbitrary directive, sometimes contradicting other directives we also needed to focus on. This could be things like:

-Moving certain pieces of equipment around to get them maintenance updates

-Focusing on moving certain pieces of equipment that had been sitting around for too long

-Making a certain number of new customer orders

-District “contests” where we’d compete with other local offices to meet some stupid corporate carrot-stick goal

Each time we were expected to drop everything else and focus on this stupid directive, even if it meant ignoring other things we were supposed to be doing. Because, for a corporation, all that matters is Profit and whatever stupid protocol they want to try out that minute to increase sales.

But my least favorite thing was the “warm calls” we had to do.

This entailed finding the information of a potential client who had signed up online or called for information, calling them back, and finalizing the booking they were “obviously” interested in.

I HATED doing these. More than anything.

I did maybe 30 of them in the entire three and a half years I worked there. You were expected to do 10-20 a day if it was slow. My boss thought all I needed to do was get the hang of hooking the sale by making them want to buy, but whenever a customer said they weren’t interested I said okay and let them go. I didn’t get it. I didn’t want to get it. I hated doing these! The thought of selling anything made my skin crawl and was not what I thought my job description was.

My boss wasn’t really hard on me about this and let my lack of warm call counts slide, but every once in awhile Corporate would have a bug up its ass about how we needed to hustle hustle hustle on these and we’d have to pretend to do them for a week or so before giving up and ignoring them again.

So, in sum:

-Soft sales calls that “potential” customers hated.

-Inconsistent directives and expectations from corporate that changed every week.

-Mixed signals from my supervisors who both seemed to hate these arbitrary directives yet enthusiastically enforce them, but...arbitrarily.

The verbal component:

My job was, as you can guess, primarily an auditory one. Now, I didn’t know what was wrong with me at the time, but I think I have trouble hearing? Like, I failed two hearing screen tests in school, both taken in a busy crowded room. Each time I was pulled into the nurse’s office and made to take the tests again in a quiet room by myself. I passed and was let go. Throughout my life, I have been accused of having “selective hearing” and only hearing what I want to hear, except that I don’t get to choose what I hear? In a busy room my hearing pings around and latches onto whatever it chooses, not what I want to hear. My boss would sometimes speak instructions to me and I would hear garbled nonsense, even when I asked him to repeat himself. I miss a lot of what’s spoken to me. I rewind shows and movies if I miss a part, so now I watch with the closed captioning on. I have to see it to get it.

Now I think this might be Auditory Processing Disorder. I was not formally diagnosed with this, but when my hearing was tested almost two decades ago I don’t think they were looking for it and I’ve never went in for a formal screening.

Anyway. This caused a problem for me because my boss, a directive and fully capable extrovert, would typically rely on auditory instruction. He also had a bad habit of barking into my other ear while a customer was talking to me.

“Hello, I had a question about my order but--”

“Who is that on the phone? What do they want?”

“--it seems like they didn’t--”

“Tell them we can’t take their call right now, we have another thing to focus on and you’ll call them back--”

“--but when I was taking a look at it--”

“Tell them we’re busy and we’ll call back--

ARGH! SHUT UP! I’d drop every fucking marble when this happened. And then my boss would be irritated that I wasn’t able to follow his instructions or that I was seemingly obstinate. Whenever a customer or vendor called to leave a message for someone else, as soon as I hung up the phone my boss would demand information and I’d...blank. What did he say his name was? Where did he say he was calling from? If I didn’t write it down I’d forget every time. I could not seem to retain verbal information easily.

Also, my boss would often tell us what to say instead of taking the call for us if it was something we’d need a supervisor’s help with, or he’d tell us what to say as he walked us through training but not tell us why we were saying it. He didn’t think we needed the why, only the what, and that we’d synthesize the why on our own later like he would. I could never learn that way and it was very frustrating for both of us. He acted like I was slow and difficult for not picking things up faster.

Another obvious issue was that when the office got busy, such as during busy times with high demand, I found it difficult to hear my customers with all the background noise going on. I’d have to press the earpiece into my ear to get by.

The microbullying:

So, here comes the social component. With an office came the office politics, and I was unprepared for the special torture that is a room full of gossipy girls (and my boss, who was a “mean girl” type). My gender dysphoria was on full blast and I felt like a disgusting alien. I wanted to disappear. Instead of doing that, I spent a lot of time analyzing what was wrong with me, because if I didn’t know there was something wrong with me from the years of abuse, bullying, and isolation I’ve experienced, I found out here.

It was subtle at first. Girls complaining about other girls and their work performance. My boss surrounding himself with girls who were catty, petty, and mean spirited. My boss and these girls giggling because they understood female social norms and fashions. Everyone making fun of people for their bodies: cankles, bread loaves (what the fuck even are those and why would you notice something like that??), someone wearing the wrong shirt for the body type, etc. Once I came in with a bathroom shave job and my boss said, “Why wouldn’t you get it shaped professionally?”

Uh...??? Because I don’t care? Because that involves people fucking touching me? Because it costs money and me shaving my head myself is free?

These girls had nothing in common with me. I’d sit there awkwardly trying to make conversation about my subjects of interest and they would be polite, but as soon as the room filled out with more of us the room turned into a boring long conversation about parties and fucking and drinking and baby daddy issues and kids. I felt like a fucking alien.

People laughed at me. It was all in good fun, good-natured teasing and ribbing over my silly habits like storing a drawer full of snacks (eating was a stim for me and I had to do it in that environment because I was so anxious all the time) or sanitizing my desk or rubbing lotion only on the backs of my hands since I can’t stand the sensation of grease on my skin.

The other males at this job were entirely nice and made the job tolerable. But there was one in particular who had all the classic markings of an undiagnosed Aspie. In other words, he was exactly like me. Type 5, extremely intelligent but asked a lot of questions and needed a lot of reassurance/clarification; prone to bouts of frustration; never made direct eye contact; very awkward. I made it my business to try shooting a few of my Special Interest topics at him to see if any of them took. None of them did. The problem was, we have entirely different Special Interests and thus no subjects in common.

My attempts to engage with him left me bored and frustrated, but it ignited something entirely different in him. Within a few months I had a note from him in my inbox. I told him I couldn’t date but I’d meet for coffee as friends and we did.

This became a full on office campaign to get the two of us together. I couldn’t explain it but my intuition was screaming do not do it. This person made me feel so tense for reasons I couldn’t (and can’t) explain, other than that some of his Special Interests are my trauma triggers. That one’s pretty obvious. But by all accounts, he was kind, decent, understanding, intelligent, and very interested in me despite my issues.

So now I was feeling pressured by both this person and my office to date when I didn’t want to. You may consider this a form of workplace harassment or sexual harassment (for the record, the person in question was respectful of my needs; it was the others in the office who were the problem). They tortured him over his “inability” to get me or get over me, and me over my unwillingness to “just fuck him already.” They wouldn’t take my concerns or feelings seriously. They gaslit me and told me I couldn’t possibly trust my own intuition and feelings on the matter because I was deluded. I was being stubborn and arrogant. I was refusing to take a good offer when it came. I was scared and pathetic. I just thought I was better than this guy. I was too afraid of being treated well by a good man (my ex spouse was and is a very good person, our issues had nothing to do with his ability to love or treat me well).

A co-worker had said, as she contemplated quitting, that “you don’t quit jobs, you quit people.” This was what I had in mind when I quit. At the time, the thing I was most afraid of was my job performance, the angry customers, and the variability of expectations/potential calls. After quitting, all that sticks in my mind is the social torture I endured.

That was a long story there. Let me tl;dr here about how and why I began to suspect autism played a role in my difficulties:

TL;DR:

I felt constant stress and anxiety that never lessened no matter how much “practice” or experience I got.

I had deep difficulty with any fluctuations in scheduling, hours, expectations, or customer interaction scenarios that caused such deep anxiety and stress I could not recover, even with significant time off.

I had the sense that I was grossly misunderstanding social expectations and wasn’t fitting in. Gossip was the currency in that office and I felt like I was back in middle school hell, sitting alone in the cafeteria again.

I had a constant fear that I was messing up and disappointing or angering my supervisors and coworkers. I couldn’t shake the pervasive fear that I would be punished or make a mistake, especially in the aforementioned unexpected customer interaction scenarios.

I’d need to ask clarifying questions about basic things even with three and a half years of experience. I had a seeming inability to take the parts I had learned and synthesize them into a new solution when something unexpected came up. I’d always have to ask for help and had trouble “figuring it out myself.”

I had difficulties processing auditory information or hearing spoken instructions. My boss’s teaching style relied heavily on auditory information and this made my learning process slower.

I’m a slow learner and it took me awhile to learn the systems and styles of interaction, especially when new things came up.

While I did okay with interpreting and delivering tone (the “customer service voice”) I was told that I was a little blunt in my delivery of information and I had trouble understanding the nurturing side of customer service (you are supposed to let the customer process their feelings with you, and in my line of work these “feelings” were tantrums. I didn’t understand why I was supposed to spend any time at all doing anything BUT delivering and transferring information about the order). If something unusual occurred in the conversation, I had trouble pivoting. On the plus side, customers very often tried to manipulate me to get what they wanted and I was impervious to this. Sob stories went right past me.

I didn’t really connect with my coworkers. We had nothing in common and I was told that they felt I didn’t like them because of my seeming lack of interest in connecting with them. (I thought I had tried but I guess it didn’t seem that way?)

I felt like a freak and my gender dysphoria was eating me alive. I hated being around the judgments of other people in close quarters. My manner of dress and presentation was...well, let’s just say I got away with being a little unusual. I don’t understand “office attire” and working at this job taught me I never will. (Also, most “office attire” is made out of clothing that has always been a sensory NO for me. I can only comfortably wear cotton type things.)

I made it a special request to have my own desk that I did not share with anyone else, and my boss went out of his way to accommodate this, as well as my rigid schedule preferences, despite teasing me and telling me he thought I was being unreasonable. However, despite this, my desk was used by others (not my direct coworkers) at times and they would use/move my stuff, which put me into a state of distress.

I was constantly terrified that each week would bring a new directive or expectation or that we would be “talked to” for not focusing on this or that report, duty, or customer order count. Every time it happened no one really cared or enforced it but I felt intense pressure from all these rules that never relaxed despite repeated patterns of this.

My understanding of “rules” felt out of step with everyone else’s. I internalized little comments or criticism in ways that didn’t seem to affect anyone else. My coworkers seem unruffled by the demands, arbitrary or otherwise, of our job. I was deeply disturbed by them.

My job was considered an entry level position which anyone with any basic job skills could apply for, yet I found the job to be mentally exhausting and too much to cope with.

I spent more money on alcohol and drank more than I ever had.

I lost most of my friendships and my main social group over the course of this job. I had no more energy to see or talk to the friends I had managed to keep.

This job took everything from me except what it gave me in terms of a paycheck (and it did give me a lot of opportunities financially). It was only part time but it taught me a lot about myself and what I could handle. I spent every minute I wasn’t at that job analyzing why I couldn’t get past simple things. When I was able to quit, I had a lot of time to reflect over what happened.

There were a lot of subtle microaggressions directed at and around me about my “needs” and my struggles. No one suggested I may be on the spectrum but I suspect they wouldn’t be any more understanding if they knew. I think the thing of it was, on a deeper level I knew it wasn’t just about this one job, this one boss, this one coworker or this one unpleasant task. I knew I couldn’t just replace this job with another one down the street. There was something wrong here, and it was really affecting my ability to maintain jobs.

I’ve always done okay at interviews, I guess, but I’ve only ever applied for minimum wage positions, so. It’s keeping the job after I get it that’s the problem. I think my employers would say I’m dependable and responsible and have no real issues with my work performance (because I worry so much about it) but I stress myself to death and burn out. I think that unspoken or invisible expectations just kill me. I know I’m doing something wrong but don’t understand what.

I think autism is that what. Or rather, the why in terms of why I feel like I’m not getting things like I’m supposed to.

This write up and analysis will be something I intend to use as notes if/when I go in for a formal assessment and diagnosis. My difficulties in holding a job are, while not my only issues, the primary struggle that have driven me to consider getting a formal diagnosis.

#actuallyautistic #actuallyocd #work anxiety #jobs #job anxiety

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foursprouthappiness-blog · 7 years ago

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My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/my-favorite-thought-catalog-pieces-from-2017-so-far/

My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

Advice

How To Get Out Of Bed by Kim Quindlen

One the things that is hardest for me to describe to people who don’t understand depression and anxiety is that sometimes it feels like literally doing anything is impossible. Once when I was incredibly depressed I didn’t put sheets back onto my bed for 4 days even though they were in the dryer, clean and ready to be reassembled. I felt very ~seen~ by this article. And while putting it under advice may seem sort of weird given how/why I relate to it, I think it’s important when you’re in one of those whirlpools where it feels like everything is impossible that even the tiniest things, like getting out of bed (even if you don’t have the energy to make it), is a win.

Excerpt: “Make it to the bathroom. Feel proud of yourself for getting this far. Brush your teeth. Wash your face with cold water. Feel a little more awake afterwards.”

11 Reasons Why Independent Women Often Feel They Aren’t Wired For Love by Brianna Wiest

I hate saying that I read something and thought, “me” but I read this and thought, “me.” I recently tried to explain to someone why I’m not interested in relationships and found myself struggling to get anything out other than an awkward, “Ummm, cuz.” This piece by Brianna put into words exactly what I was feeling without telling me how to “fix myself” which I 100% appreciated.

Excerpt: “It’s not always ‘safe’ to try to do things alone, it’s not always ‘safe’ to try to be in a relationship. Life shouldn’t be built around what’s safe, it should be built around what’s worth the risk.”

On Living Your Own Strange Life by Chrissy Stockton

I am filled with a lot of doubt and things like loneliness and uncertainty and a huge fear of not ever being enough. But there are days when I look around at my strange little apartment filled with flea market trinkets or watch my dog lounge next to me while I eat tacos from my favorite food truck alone, and I feel so peaceful. My life looks nothing like what I thought it would in my early twenties, but it’s still a pretty decent one. This essay Chrissy wrote perfectly encapsulates that exact notion.

Excerpt: “I am on an adventure that I chose and planned and paid for. I am going to do exactly what I feel like doing for all the days stretched out before me. There are brief moments when I breathe in and out and know that this is the way it is supposed to be.”

I Am Slowly Learning What It Means To Be Human by Bianca Sparacino

I think one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn (and am still learning) is that it’s okay to make mistakes and to stumble because that’s part of just being a human. I rule over myself with an iron fist and even when a mistake isn’t my fault, a part of me feels like it is. One of the things I admire most about Bianca is how much she encourages self-forgiveness and being easy on yourself. I maybe am not (aka: am absolutely not) quite there, but I’m trying.

Excerpt: “I am slowly learning what it means to be human. What it means to make mistakes and learn from them. What it means to be both happy and sad at the same time. I am slowly learning how to do the damn work. How to stop running from what is heavy and uncomfortable in my life. How to take the easy route less and less. How to grow myself, how to be a better person.”

Poetry/Prose

A Brief History Of Falling In Love With Strangers by Ari Eastman

The thing I love about Ari’s writing, other than the fact that it’s idk..great, is her ability to tell a story. Even if it’s just a 120 word poem or this little prosy narrative about her feelings for people she doesn’t really know, everything Ari writes takes you on a journey. I always feel like I’m getting a little window to her life, which is what truly excellent storytelling is all about.

Excerpt: “We meet up in Los Angeles. He holds my hand in the back of the Uber. We talk about poetry and music. I like him. I really like him. But what if it’s not enough? What if I only fall in love at a distance?”

Loving Two People At Once Shouldn’t Be Poetry (But Somehow, It Is) by Caitlin Conlon

I had to read this piece three or four times the first time I saw it to fully comprehend and absorb the scope of the world that Caitlin crafted. I don’t know what to say about it other than it’s incredibly captivating and so, so, so good.

Excerpt: “You’re sitting in between two boys and you love both of them. They look through you, the glass window in a burning room. It’s ironic that panic buttons cease to matter when everything’s already up in flames. Worrying is useless when you’ve let two things happen to you and neither of them care about burning buildings unless something that they care about is inside. So you burn.”

It’s Hard To Say My Depression Is Back, So I Just Don’t by Ari Eastman

One of my favorites things about the way Ari writes poetry is that it’s clearly written to be consumed by a reader. She doesn’t write from a place of trying to show you how smart she is or overwrite just to make herself sound deep or forcibly impressive. Ari writes the way she speaks, and she writes in a relatable, accessible way. Her poetry makes me feel like poetry is for me too, and that’s what a great writer does. They make you feel welcomed into their world and give you a sense of belonging with the words they put on the page (or screen).

Excerpt: “meaning, people reach out and I want to hide, meaning, I’m mad at the people who didn’t, meaning, I get texts that say R U OK, meaning, my brain is just wrong, okay, meaning, what am I supposed to say?”

I Like That We Can’t Control The Weather by Heidi Priebe

Whenever I find myself in the middle of complicated situations or life transitions, I try (try being the operative word here) to remember how Heidi deals with things. I don’t know many people who are better at putting a positive spin on things than Heidi Priebe. She looks at change (something I deal with terribly) like new adventures, new challenges, new things to conquer. It’s an attitude I so so admire, and one that I am trying to emulate in my own life.

Excerpt: “We can solve so many problems these days but the most frantic city in the world can still be shut down by something as unpredictable as a snow storm.

I like the nasty weather because it reminds us of how human we all are.”

The Eleventh Of September In A Year I Can’t Remember by Chrissy Stockton

I think everyone needs to hit pause on their day sometimes and read writing like Chrissy Stockton’s. Chrissy is the kind of writer I aspire to be like, and this piece with little snapshots of her past Septembers is one I find really, really special.

Excerpt: “I don’t know it yet but I’ve just met someone over work email who will become like a brother. I am in an airport hotel room in Flushing, NY and I gchat my best friend details about my cancelled flight and tell her ‘I want you with me every second.’”

Mental-Health/Mental Wellness

We’re Okay Now (I Think) by Katie Mather

Whether we admit it or not I think we all worry about ourselves and our habits more than social media or the face that we show to the masses would care to cop to. I really appreciated how candid Katie was talking about her relationship with drinking. It made me feel less weird about worrying about alcohol and myself and my relationship with what I consume and needing a minute to figure myself out. To repeat what I said earlier, felt very ~seen~ by this.

Excerpt: “Not Drinking is a weird statement these days that, for whatever reason, can’t properly be justified with “I just don’t want to.” Someone in my office once joked that sober is the new drunk; meaning it’s such a Cool Thing to do now—be sober.”

On Learning What It Truly Means To Surrender by Jillian Stacia

After being diagnosed with anxiety in my twenties I felt like I had to relearn a ton about myself. About why I react to things the way I do, about my sleeping patterns, about what I need when things are overwhelming, about what overwhelming ACTUALLY means. Jillian encapsulated what living with anxiety is like beautifully and vulnerably in this piece, and made me feel very understood by writing about her struggles with balancing her anxiety and the rest of her life.

Excerpt: “Isn’t anxiety the price you pay for success? Isn’t that what gets you there in the first place? The voice in your head that tells you that it’s not enough? That you need to keep going? That you are not there yet so don’t you dare quit?”

Talking To People In My Life Is Absolutely Exhausting Now, When Did That Happen? by Kim Quindlen

I think there’s weird, unspoken assumption that at some point in your twenties you’re just “done” and changing/evolving is really kept to a minimum. That bad things don’t appear out of nowhere and who you are will rarely, if ever, shift. And because of that unspoken idea we’re all very afraid to admit when things aren’t going well, when things aren’t the way they’re “supposed” to be. Maybe it’s because I know and love Kim and feel like I can talk to her about this kind of stuff, but this piece is so honest and talks about one of the things I think we all try to sweep under the rug so perfectly.

Excerpt: “Is this a rite of passage once you’ve left your early twenties? To feel exhausted from talking to almost every single person on this planet? To have always thought you were an extrovert, a Super Outgoing Person Who Loves To Have Fun – and then one day you wake up and small talk actually feels physically painful?”

A Story About Food by Chrissy Stockton

Even after what feels like a forever of exposing ourselves to the masses, I know that there are certain subjects I’m without question protective of when it comes to what I feel comfortable writing about. When Chrissy writes this way she’s amazing at coming from this place of vulnerability gently. It doesn’t come with a demand for attention, it’s not greedy, it’s not attention-seeking or self-absorbed. And she doesn’t have a tone of insisting that you do the same or feel the same way as she does. But by writing it exactly like that, in that gentle way, she’s encouraging me to do just that. Which is, yet again, why I look up to her so much.

Excerpt: “Being good to people feels very sturdy. Being good to myself feels like I am a baby. I feel guilty about needing it.”

Self-Reflection

I Am Just Trying To Be A Person by Kim Quindlen

This is one of the best things anyone’s written on Thought Catalog. Especially post-election and in an era where everything feels tumultuous and out of control and unpredictable and sad. In this essay Kim beautifully said how exhausting just existing is sometimes. Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to be humans. And being a human is really, really hard.

Excerpt: “I feel a lot of things. I don’t know anything. I am scared. Sometimes I am filled with joy. I am worried about the world. I am just trying to be a person.”

When You Give Up Your Dream For A ‘Life’ by Shado Evans

There’s this fear I have that happiness and comfort are not able to coexist. That in order to have stability, you’re going to have to give up some semblance of dreaming. And then, an off-shoot of that fear, is that if by some chance you’re lucky enough to find a dream that coincides with a stable, comfortable life, holding onto it will feel like a tightrope act. Shado’s essay was heartfelt and reflective, and perfectly summed up everything I fear about this so, so well.

Excerpt: “But time has no conscience. Time is not your ally. If you put your trust in the illusion that it will always be there for you, you will have to go to war with reality in the future.”

Love

17 Days Of Watching You Fall Out Of Love With Me by Joms Zulueta Jimenez

When love ends oftentimes the signs aren’t dramatic. There isn’t this big show of “oh my feelings have changed, goodbye forever.” Usually, it’s quiet. It’s in missed texts and purposefully falling asleep on the couch alone. It’s in noticing that you want someone to cut their hair, when that used to be something you loved about them the most. And when you watch it happen? It’s pretty heartbreaking.

Excerpt: “Day 8. I cut my hair. I cut my hair with the hopes that it might save us. It sounded like bullshit, I know, but I ran out of reasons why you were aloof or why it seemed like you were half-hearted or why I felt uncomfortable with peace. I cut my hair. You said I looked better. That was a relief.”

Our Strip Mall Romance By Lina Abascal

This is the love story they should have told in La La Land. Sorry not sorry.

Excerpt: “I want to love you in tiny Thai restaurants in strip malls east of Hollywood and in line for taco trucks south of downtown. I want to wait until the second hour of traffic before I nervously make the move and hold your hand as we drive on the 10 at rush hour after work.”

A Love Story Told Through Venmo by Katie Mather

I don’t know if Katie meant for this to be touching, but I really thought it was. I don’t know if I’ll ever realistically be able to predict Katie’s intentions with writing or anything else, which is how she would prefer for things to be. But that’s one of the reasons I like her work so much. You see something that on one hand, you’d expect to be a little silly and light and instead you are again, reminded how falling out of love isn’t always some big tantrum and instead can be quiet, but still just as sad. I don’t know, I’m rambling. Just read it.

Excerpt:

“He paid you April 4, 2017

Love me pls?”

Humor

20 Honest Signs Your Relationship Is Probably Over by Tommy Paley

Satire is tricky. It’s hard to do it well, it’s something a lot of writers never attempt, and it’s something I’m really glad we have writers like Tommy continuing to make popular. My favorite thing about Tommy’s writing is that when you read his pieces you usually start thinking you’re going to get one thing, and they he flips them to be something else entirely. It’s really, really entertaining and what quality humor writing should be.

Excerpt: “She covers the floor of the apartment with eggshells and then sighs loudly and rolls her eyes when you invariably walk on them.”

Forgive Me, For I Am But A Dainty Sad Girl by Katie Mather

Katie is the funniest person writing on Thought Catalog right now. Quote me.

Excerpt: “We should get coffee sometime. My favorite way to whisper secrets is over a cup of coffee. Especially while eating macaroons. Have you ever heard of Ladurée?”

Misc

I’m Pregnant (On Purpose!) But I’d Rather Talk About The Abortion I Had Three Years Ago by Mélanie Berliet

This is one of the most important things I think we’ve ever had published on our site, and I think it’s important because it shows how decisions like this 1) don’t have to be scary and 2) don’t have to be dramatic and 3) don’t have to completely alter the entire scope of your life. It’s as simple as making a choice that fits your life, and doesn’t have to drastically impact everything that comes afterwards. Of course, this is a personal choice and a personal situation and no two experiences will ever be alike, but this is one story and it’s a story that I’m so glad Mélanie decided to share.

Excerpt: “So it’s official. I am a woman who’s had an abortion—not because circumstances dictated that it was medically necessary, or because she didn’t love the man who impregnated her, or because she couldn’t afford to raise a kid, or because she’s decided to remain childless forever. I am a woman who’s had an abortion, and it doesn’t really matter why. It was my choice, and one that my boyfriend and I (we’re still very much together and happier than ever, if that even matters) proudly stand by.”

All The Men I Probably Won’t Have Sex With by Callie Byrnes

Being a woman is tiring and terrible and we need people to stand up more often the way Callie did here so that slowly but surely, more people get it. And even if they reject it and write it off as “just another woman complaining about compliments” that seed will have been planted. Maybe we’ll become harder to ignore.

Excerpt: “The Tinder guy who messaged me saying, “Thick thighs save lives.” I’m glad you have so much faith in me, but my CPR certificate has expired, so these thighs won’t be doing anything. Maybe next time.”

A Series Of First Impressions by Katie Mather

When I first read this piece I was immediately disappointed because I was not one of the first impressions. But then, I was just entirely enthralled by it. I love the way it’s presented as little vignettes, little snippets of a relationship you will probably never know the rest of. You literally only get a fraction of the story, and it’s really cool to me how captivating Katie made even that littlest piece.

Excerpt: “I am closing the bar tab and he comes up to me and says that he thinks he’s seen me at this bar before. It’s impossible because I’m visiting this city for the first time ever in my life, but I pretend otherwise.”

I’m Afraid Of Failing, I’m Afraid Of Success, And I’m Afraid Of My Good Luck by Ari Eastman

You’re not supposed to be afraid of success, you’re supposed to lean in. You’re not supposed to be afraid of failure, because you’ll be strong enough to be able to get past it. You’re not supposed to admit that sometimes you’re lucky, because that’s not taking control of your destiny. There are all of these things that we’re “supposed” to do and honestly? Sometimes I am paralyzed by the “supposed tos” in life. And Ari? Ari admitted it. I was/am really proud of Ari for writing this. I’m really proud she’s my friend.

Excerpt: “Because if you fail after getting so many chances, it’ll be sad. Right? It’ll be embarrassing. It’ll be a total waste.

Because if you succeed after getting so many chances that others didn’t, do you even deserve it? Do you understand the severity? That here you don’t believe in a higher power but clearly something keeps rewarding you?”

#Happiness

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foursprout-blog · 7 years ago

Text

My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/happiness/my-favorite-thought-catalog-pieces-from-2017-so-far/

My Favorite Thought Catalog Pieces From 2017 (So Far)

Advice

How To Get Out Of Bed by Kim Quindlen

Excerpt: “Make it to the bathroom. Feel proud of yourself for getting this far. Brush your teeth. Wash your face with cold water. Feel a little more awake afterwards.”

11 Reasons Why Independent Women Often Feel They Aren’t Wired For Love by Brianna Wiest

On Living Your Own Strange Life by Chrissy Stockton

I Am Slowly Learning What It Means To Be Human by Bianca Sparacino

Poetry/Prose

A Brief History Of Falling In Love With Strangers by Ari Eastman

Loving Two People At Once Shouldn’t Be Poetry (But Somehow, It Is) by Caitlin Conlon

It’s Hard To Say My Depression Is Back, So I Just Don’t by Ari Eastman

I Like That We Can’t Control The Weather by Heidi Priebe

Excerpt: “We can solve so many problems these days but the most frantic city in the world can still be shut down by something as unpredictable as a snow storm.

I like the nasty weather because it reminds us of how human we all are.”

The Eleventh Of September In A Year I Can’t Remember by Chrissy Stockton

Mental-Health/Mental Wellness

We’re Okay Now (I Think) by Katie Mather

On Learning What It Truly Means To Surrender by Jillian Stacia

Talking To People In My Life Is Absolutely Exhausting Now, When Did That Happen? by Kim Quindlen

A Story About Food by Chrissy Stockton

Excerpt: “Being good to people feels very sturdy. Being good to myself feels like I am a baby. I feel guilty about needing it.”

Self-Reflection

I Am Just Trying To Be A Person by Kim Quindlen

Excerpt: “I feel a lot of things. I don’t know anything. I am scared. Sometimes I am filled with joy. I am worried about the world. I am just trying to be a person.”

When You Give Up Your Dream For A ‘Life’ by Shado Evans

Excerpt: “But time has no conscience. Time is not your ally. If you put your trust in the illusion that it will always be there for you, you will have to go to war with reality in the future.”

Love

17 Days Of Watching You Fall Out Of Love With Me by Joms Zulueta Jimenez

Our Strip Mall Romance By Lina Abascal

This is the love story they should have told in La La Land. Sorry not sorry.

A Love Story Told Through Venmo by Katie Mather

Excerpt:

“He paid you April 4, 2017

Love me pls?”

Humor

20 Honest Signs Your Relationship Is Probably Over by Tommy Paley

Excerpt: “She covers the floor of the apartment with eggshells and then sighs loudly and rolls her eyes when you invariably walk on them.”

Forgive Me, For I Am But A Dainty Sad Girl by Katie Mather

Katie is the funniest person writing on Thought Catalog right now. Quote me.

Excerpt: “We should get coffee sometime. My favorite way to whisper secrets is over a cup of coffee. Especially while eating macaroons. Have you ever heard of Ladurée?”

Misc

I’m Pregnant (On Purpose!) But I’d Rather Talk About The Abortion I Had Three Years Ago by Mélanie Berliet

All The Men I Probably Won’t Have Sex With by Callie Byrnes

A Series Of First Impressions by Katie Mather

I’m Afraid Of Failing, I’m Afraid Of Success, And I’m Afraid Of My Good Luck by Ari Eastman

Excerpt: “Because if you fail after getting so many chances, it’ll be sad. Right? It’ll be embarrassing. It’ll be a total waste.

#Happiness

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