#I’m making pasta from scratch with my friends . busy lady i am..

[crushedsweets]

Where is YOUR creeped au bond map yoke sucker

IVE BEEN BUSY OK IM SORRYYYY

[consumeconstantly]

Luggage Tags

Summary: To love someone, to lie to someone, to leave someone. Marinette and Jason tell people they’re together, but things fall apart. 

_____________________________________________________________

The room is dark when Jason enters. He flicks the light on to see Marinette, looking right at him.

“Pixie? What are you doing? Why were you sitting in the dark like that?”

Marinette just stares at him. 

Jason shrugs and moves to the kitchen counter. The first year they were together, she woke up with nightmares. She still got nightmares sometimes, but for the past few months, she’s been prone to getting episodes like this, where she stares at the door in the dark and doesn’t talk to him for hours. He’s not really sure what’s changed, but it could be any number of things. Trauma affects everyone in different ways.

“Pasta tonight? Job’s been taking me to Japanese restaurants every day.”

Marinette faces him, but Jason doesn’t think she’s really looking at him. Her eyes track him around the room whenever she gets like this, but her face is always so devoid of emotion and so unresponsive that she’s only subconsciously recognizing his figure.

She starts sobbing. That’s new.

“Hey, hey,” Jason soothes, approaching her with one hand out and a rumbling baritone. It feels stupid to do this, but during one of her nightmares, she flipped him in her sleep and he cracked a rib. “You’re not in Paris anymore. We’re in Gotham. Hawkmoth can’t hurt you here.”

That just gets her to sob harder, shoulders shaking tears forming rivers down her face, settling in her laugh lines. Jason hasn’t seen Marinette laugh in a long time.

He goes to wrap her in a hug, but she bats his arms away, chest heaving. The time between each breath is so short, she’s just short of hyperventilating. 

“C’mon, Mari, breathe with me. In for one, two, three, out for one, two three.” He feels so helpless, carefully maintaining a distance from his best friend and lover. At times like this, he can do nothing but watch as she suffers. It hurts, because even though Marinette doesn’t let him in her space even though he should be helping her, holding her, crying with her. 

She does that for him, when his nightmares get bad. Marinette wraps him up in an ever gentle hug, not minding the scratches she gets or the threats he ends up giving her. 

Her presence is an instant balm, the scent of butter, sugar, and clean. 

Jason shrugs off his leather jacket and tries again. She’s been weird about his jacket and certain clothes as of late. He’s not sure why— she never explains, just purses her lips and looks stubbornly to the floor— but he tries to avoid the clothes she dislikes as much as possible. He supposes she gets annoyed at seeing tiny imperfections in her old designs sometimes, so Jason carefully packs those clothes away and out of sight. But he’s never been able to part with this leather jacket. It was her first gift to him, with her name embroidered on the inside of the jacket, right over his heart. He always makes sure that he treats this jacket very well, never wearing it to a fight, and cleaning and caring for it more often than he needs to. Marinette spent a long time on the jacket, and during the first year of their relationship, she liked tracing the smaller details with an index finger before pulling him into a kiss. When she was feeling down, she batted the zippers with a pout on her face. They had too many good memories on this jacket for Jason to put it away permanently.

Her tears start to subside, so Jason tries again. She hisses. 

“Please, Jason. Just— just make dinner for yourself. I can’t be here right now.” With that, she stands, grabs an overcoat and a purse, casts a lingering glance at the jacket Jason left on the sofa and closes the door so quietly, he barely hears it.

They continue on like this for months.

#

“Do you need to start seeing your therapist again?” Jason asks one night.

Marinette laughs, and it sounds like a parody of the full-bellied sound that’s trademark of anything she really finds funny. “Jason, I’ve been seeing her for months now.”

His fork clicks against the ceramic. Marinette insisted on only buying things they would use, so the finest dishwater they had were the wine glasses gifted to Marinette by Kagami half a year ago. That had been a very odd encounter. The woman stormed into the apartment, with a curse at the edge of her tongue, four bottles of very expensive wine, and two more bottles of 70 proof liquor. She ushered Marinette into their bedroom and locked Jason out for the entire night.

“Oh,” Jason says, eloquence failing him. 

“Have you— have you been feeling any better lately?”

She laughs again, and it makes him feel tiny. “Thanks to my therapist, I think I’m finally coming to terms with what Kagami told me.”

“I see.”

“Do you want to know what Kagami told me?”

He does, but Marinette is always good at talking about things when she’s ready to. If he pushes her now, she might end up in a bad place again. With his siblings, he has to push and push constantly to squeeze any information out of them. Marinette’s tendency to speak her mind is much more Jason’s speed. He’s the same kind of person. That’s a big part of the reason they get along so well.

Her hand drops to the stem of her wine glass. She swirls the white around and stares at the way the edges drip back down into the body of liquid. 

“Then let’s talk about something else. How’s Tim doing? I haven’t talked to him in a while?”

“Really?” Jason raises an eyebrow. This morning, after he finished  his week-long excursion to California, he dropped by Wayne Enterprises, and Tim gushed about a new coffee blend Marinette showed him. 

“It’s been a few days,” Marinette clarifies.

“Probably just more of the same. Keeping Wayne Enterprises afloat and Gotham out of trouble.” A few days isn’t that long. Even the Replacement couldn’t stir up that much trouble.

“I’ve missed you,” Marinette says, looking down at the steak she prepared. 

“Me too, Mare.”

“You’ll tell me when you leave, right?”

“I always do.”

The rest of their meal is eaten in silence.

#

“I love you.” She’s holding a freshly cut bouquet, standing at the door of his old bedroom in the manor.

Jason grabs the bouquet, grimaces, then kisses her on the cheek. “Mare, there’s thorns on these. You’re bleeding.”

“Am I?” Her voice is faint. She’s wearing a dress made out of some sort of airy fabric. It sort of makes her look like a spirit that’s ready to float away with the wind. 

“Has the therapist been helping any?” His brow furrows. Marinette never hurts herself intentionally like this. She only gets hurt for others. No matter how much he tries to persuade her to stop sacrificing herself for others, Marinette just loves the world too much.

“Can I come in?”

His frown deepens. “Give me a few minutes and I’ll meet you in the dining room. We can go out on a date. It has been a month since we’ve last seen each other.”

“Right,” Marinette says with a voice so small, he has to strain to hear her. “A few minutes.”

He locks the door behind him, throws on the latest set of clothes Marinette dropped off at the manor, leaves his bed unmade, and a note on the table. When he gets down to the dining room, Alfred informs him that Marinette has been called away for an emergency meeting.

“An emergency meeting? But it’s the weekend!”

Alfred just looks at him and shakes his head.

#

One day, Jason comes back to find nobody in their apartment. That’s odd, because Marinette has some sort of super sense about when he’s coming back, even though he never tells anybody. Every time he comes back from being outside for longer than a few days, Marinette has always been at home, waiting for him with a smile and a hug. Well, lately, with a blank stare and tears, but she was always still there.

Maybe he should try going to therapy with her, see what’s been getting her so down. She never talks about herself anymore, just about her friends and what they do. He doesn’t know how her business is doing or even what she enjoys anymore. The game console that was used to play UMS every weekend gathers dust underneath their television.

He checks his phone. No text or missed calls from her either. Nothing since a few days ago, anyways.

“Hey,” Jason calls Tim. “Is Mare at the company?”

There’s static and the sound of breath from the other end of the line. Then it cuts out, and his phone makes the disconnected noise. Tim’s been pretty pissy, lately, and rarely takes his calls. Jason tosses his phone on the couch and runs a hand through his hair. He twirls the white tuft Marinette likes to play with. He should shower before she gets back. 

He looks down at his phone. 

“I’ll try one more time,” he says.

It goes straight to voicemail.

#

She doesn’t come home the next day, or the day after that.

#

Jason storms into the manor. “Where is she?”

“Where is who, Master Jason?”

“You know damn well who I’m talking about. There’s only one girl who’s location I’m ever interested in.”

Alfred in his butler suit is very good at looking condescending, even without changing his posture dramatically. “Is that so, Master Jason? You could have fooled me, then. Last time you were hunting for Talia. The time before that, Lady Cassandra.”

Jason snarls. “I don’t mean it like that. Just tell me where she is. I’m worried. She hasn’t been back in days.”

Damian comes down the steps, looking every inch the brat he was when they first met. “Don’t answer him, Pennyworth. He isn’t worth the air.”

Jason rounds on his little brother, reaching out to grab him by his shoulder. “What does that mean, huh, Demon Spawn?”

Damian doesn’t even bother breaking stride to look at him in the eyes. He barely moves enough to dodge Jason’s grasp, then continues on his way to the dining room like Jason’s not even there. Dread begins to pool in Jason’s stomach. He feels more Lazarus than he has in years, and there is no Marinette to cradle him while he breaks right now.

“Where is she?” 

“You’re supposed to be her boyfriend,” Damian scoffs. “Then again, you’ve never been very good at playing your part.”

#

The perks of having a famous girlfriend: the internet knows exactly where she is.

The cons of having a famous girlfriend: the internet knows exactly where she is.

Jason feels terrible. It’s Fashion Week in Paris. Jason always makes the time to go to Fashion Week with Marinette. She reminds him months and months in advance the exact dates that Fashion Week is going to be that year, and he always, always blocks out at least two days to be with her. 

He almost thinks about flying out, but Fashion Week is basically already over, and the day she presented her Spring/Summer line already passed.

“Marinette, I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” 

His message goes straight to voicemail.

He goes on another mission.

#

The next time Jason comes back home, Marinette is sitting in that same chair in the darkness again. 

“I’m back,” he says, trying to gauge what mental state she’s in right now. “I missed you.”

She sits, primly, properly, and in silence. Jason flicks the light on. 

“You love me,” Marinette states. How long has it been since he’s last heard her voice in person? Two months? Three?

“Yeah,” Jason agrees, crossing the room to give her a hug. “Of course I do.”

A sharp intake of breath. Marinette holds her arm out, eyes pinched close, lips devoid of color. “I love you, too, Jason.”

His heart softens. He needs to start spending more time at home. 

She rises to her feet, placing a hand on her Ladybug-red luggage. 

“Are you going on a business trip? I’m sorry I didn’t make it to your last line.”

There’s a careful blankness in her eyes that makes him uneasy. Something about the size of her luggage, and the fact that there are things missing from around the house. The gramophone that holds the Miraculous is missing from the side table. Pictures of Marinette, Kagami, Chloe, and Alya have disappeared. All of the plants that Marinette meticulously keeps alive are gone.

“No,” Marinette says. “I’m leaving for good.”

Sun streaks through the window blinds. The bags underneath her eyes are prominent, and her whole face looks swollen. 

“Oh,” Jason says. “Did you find a better apartment? I can put off my next mission so we can move into it.”

Marinette blinks. She laughs, full belly, but Jason’s heart squeezes. Her voice sombers. “Jason, it’s better if we break up now. I’m-- I’m tired. I can’t do this anymore.”

He can see every fine line on Marinette’s face. When did she get them? He can’t recall. “What do you mean? Why?”

Slowly, Marinette drags her luggage forward and pops his collar, staring at it with sad, sad eyes. She runs a bitten-to-the-quick finger down the zipper of his leather jacket, holds the zipper in her hand and sets it back down with nary a jingle. Her smile forms with her lips, not her teeth, and the wrinkles at the sides of her eyes don’t gather up. It’s a soft, sad, small thing. Tip-toeing, Marinette presses a chaste kiss to his lips. “You’re a good man, Jason. But I can’t trust you with my heart.”

She leaves her key hanging at the peg and closes the door gently.

@jasonette-july-2k20

[uncreativetitletrack]

I Am Me

Pairing: Yeonjun x Reader

Word Count: 15.6k

Genre: Fluff, Angst

Summary: Yeonjun wants to be more than his titles, some that doesn’t even belong to him. He just wants to be himself, but when the media doesn’t let him, it takes a toll on him.

Warnings: Some **spoiler**, but I just want to say that I’m not trying to antagonize BTS or fans from either bands in this story. It’s a highly dramatized, fictional story, and I’m sorry if it offends you in any way!

You’ll never forget that day, walking down the halls at three in the morning. You didn’t want to be there because you just spent the entire day working. ‘Appreciate that you have a secure job at that entertainment agency’ is what your friends and family would tell you after landing a great opportunity to work at one of the most famous music companies. You hated working here because of the pressure of working for nearly the entire day managing five trainees. There’s so much workload that you even contemplated on quitting.

But peeking through the door that’s slightly ajar of a dance room, it changed your entire perspective. It gave you another reason to keep going forward with these trainees. Sitting alone in the hollow practice room is Yeonjun, curled up in a ball. His shirt is drenched in sweat, or at least that’s what you thought. Although it is sweat, it took you a moment to realize that some of the wet spots on his shirt are also tears. This young man, who dreams of becoming a star, is sitting by himself in a defeated pose like he’s going to give in to the overwhelming stress. No one is there to comfort him, left to be ridiculed by his dark thoughts. Only at the ripe age of eighteen, he already thinks that he’s incompetent.

“I can’t do this anymore…” He muttered under his breath.

==========

“Jokbal! Jokbal! Jokbal!” Yeonjun chants, fist-pumping the air.

You and Yeonjun are at the grocery store, looking through the meat section. While you’re looking for pig trotters, he’s singing a tune he made up in his head with the only lyrics to his song is jokbal. He’s wearing a face mask and baseball hat to hide his identity, but those aren’t enough to hide the excitement in his eyes.

“Get the spicy kind!”

“Alright, alright.”

“Let’s also get chicken feet! Pizza! Pasta!”

You chuckle. “You sound like a child.”

“What’s there not to be excited about? You said that we can be spoiled brats tonight, so I wanna eat whatever I want.”

“Yea, but don’t you think it’s going to be too much for you guys to eat?”

“Eh, it’s fine,” he waves his hand nonchalantly. “It’s coming from the company’s credit card, right? That means we’re finally allowed to eat anything with no limits. Besides, we don’t have a recording tomorrow, so we don’t gotta worry about looking puffy.”

You don’t think you’ll ever understand how Yeonjun’s brain is wired. Still, it’s great seeing him smile this much. In the midst of their busy schedule, they have the entire day off. And the day before, it ended perfectly with their first win for Crown. They’ve never been this exuberant before.

“Also, let’s get some bubble tea. Kai and Soobin might want some ice cream too. Beomgyu wants kimbap and Taehyun wants some toast. Let’s go, let’s go!”

“Give me a sec. I still have to get some jokbal, then restock kimchi for you guys. Also, you guys need some more tangerine—”

“No more tangerines! We eat that enough already. Bubble tea!!!” He’s like a child about to receive a lollipop.

Despite being the eldest, he’s got a cute side to him that you find lovable. “Alright, where do you wanna get your drink?”

“Let’s go to 7 Leafs! I heard a new one opened down the street.”

“Okay, after we shop. Text the other boys what they want.”

“Yessir.”

“Excuse me?”

“Yes, Ma’am.” He puckers his lips, swaying his head side-to-side playfully.

You hurriedly look through the shopping list on your phone. The boys must be starving back at the dorms, so you want to hurry and get back as soon as possible. You can already imagine Beomgyu clinging onto one of the members and whining about how hungry he is.

While Yeonjun’s distracted with his phones, two women are whispering and pointing at him, occasionally giggling like school girls. Even with his disguise, he’s still spotted. Though, what did you expect? With their explosive debut, they’re bound to be instantly recognized in the public.

“…Go…” One girl mutters.

“No, you go first.”

They nudge each other, pushing one over the other to see who gets to Yeonjun first. He’s still oblivious to the fans, finishing his text message and sending it to the group chat. During times like these, you would push Yeonjun away from these girls to avoid drawing more attention, but since they aren’t hinting at any sort of danger, you decide to let it be.

After some minor arguments, one of the girls approaches him, although she keeps her eyes locked to the ground. “Uhm…excuse me?”

Her voice catches Yeonjun’s attention, so he turns to her, startling her. “Hello?”

“Are you…Yeonjun from Tomorrow by Together?”

He nods, and she squeals.

“I-I’m sorry if I’m bothering you!!”

Her eyes are fixated on Yeonjun. Even though you’re right next to him, she behaves like you don’t exist.

“No, it’s really fine. Did you want to take a picture? Manager, we can take a picture, right?”

You shrug your shoulders. “Go ahead.”

“O-oh, I wasn’t intending on taking a picture. I was just wondering...” she rummages through her purse.

Yeonjun’s eyes lighten up at the thought that this lady is going to give him a gift. He even got his hand out and ready to accept the present. Eventually, she finds what she wanted to give, and it’s a small box of chocolate the size of his hand.

“I was wondering if you can give these to Taehyung-oppa!” She covers her mouth.

And that gleam of happiness is immediately diminished, like a gust of wind blown against a lit candle. You don’t need to see under his mask to know that he lost the will to smile. It’s like his confidence has been stomped on, glaring down at the gift that isn’t even his. It’s not even for another member from his group—it’s for their senior.

“M-my friend and I have been fans of BTS since we were nineteen, so can you let him know that we’re thankful for everything he’s done? He really saved me from the darkest time in my life.”

He’s at a loss of words, baffled at this outrageous request. But rather than going off on the woman, Yeonjun laughs stiffly, scratching the back of his head. “I’m sorry I don’t know if I can give it to him because we don’t see each other much.”

Her shy nature disappears, cocking her head to the side and raising an eyebrow. “Huh? But you’re the same company. How do you guys not see each other often? I thought you guys are already like family to them.”

“It’s…much more complicated than that. Our schedules never correlate, so that’s why. If it makes you feel better, we can take a picture and—”

“Then…it’s okay. Sorry to bother you guys. You can have the chocolate though.” She waves goodbye and returns to her friend.

You should’ve stepped in when you had the chance. Yeonjun is at a loss of words as he watches the two girls trek off as if this never happened. Even though they’re walking off, he can hear fragments of their conversation.

“He kind of looks like Taehyungie-oppa…do you think he…passed auditions…becau…looks?” One whispers.

“Maybe. But…chin…too big. Teeth too.”

If you two weren’t in public, then you would’ve smacked them without hesitation. To bother Yeonjun during his day off only to push him aside because he’s not the idol they’re looking for, it’s just outright rude. This clearly ruined his mood, and now he’s become sullen. He rubs his chin, thinking about the last girl’s comment.

“Ignore them. Let’s go back and celebrate, yea?”

He nods, but his smile hasn’t returned.

==========

“Here you guys go!” You set a plate of jokbal on the floor.

In the living room of their crowded dorm, the five of them crowd around the meal that you’ve prepared for them. Despite the many clothes that are sprawled across the floor and trash left out on the coffee table, you’re able to brush them aside to make room for the six of you to sit together. Other than the pigs’ feet, there’s also pizza and chicken feet. Beomgyu’s mouth waters, but before he even eats, he briefly takes pictures of it with his phone.

“You didn’t have to waste your time making this when you could’ve just ordered it.” Taehyun states with a monotone expression.

“I know, but in honor of your first win, I wanted to cook from scratch.”

“You made the pigs’ feet, but you ended up ordering pizza and chicken feet…” Taehyun flicks open a can of Coke.

“Okay, pizza is hard to make from scratch, and chicken feet…the nails…” Shivers run down your spine.

“Taehyun…you could at least say thank you,” Soobin elbows him.

Now flustered, Taehyun looks down. “…Sorry…thank you.”

“No, no! It’s okay. For all we know, my cooking is probably not that great.”

“Anything from the Manager is going to be super great! Thank you very much!!” Huening Kai leans over and rubs your stomach.

“Hurry, hurry! Let’s eat.” Beomgyu takes a plate full of chicken feet.

“Says the one who kept taking pictures.” Soobin mumbles.

Each member takes a plate of food. Even though you know full well how average your cooking is, the boys are starving, so they’ll take anything. Everyone digs in to their dinner, all except for Yeonjun. As you’re eating the pizza, stretching the cheese from your mouth, you stare at him, waiting for him to take a bite.

“Yeonjun? Are you gonna eat?” You ask while covering your mouth full of food.

He shakes his head, rubbing his chin. “No…I’m not hungry.”

“What? But you were so excited to eat.”

“I’m full from the bubble tea.”

He gets up and walks to their bedroom, which is extremely out of the ordinary. He never says no to food. Even when they’re dieting, he’s the one who would sneak in food. Now that they have a chance to eat whatever they like, he’s not eating.

“Did something happen to Hyung?” Soobin asks curiously.

“Some girls were being rude.”

You didn’t expect it to take a toll on him this much. What they did has definitely squash his confidence, but knowing him, there has to be more than what those girls said.

==========

Yeonjun is sitting on his bunk bed, laying on his stomach and watching a video on his phone. He hears a knock at the door.

“Yeonjun? Can I come in?” You ask from the other side of the door.

He pauses the video. “Come in.”

You open the door, closing it behind you. Their bedroom is tidier than usual, and it’s probably because you were coming over for the night. Most of their clothes are hanging in the living room, so the floor isn’t riddled with clothes compared to the living room.

“I told them to save some for you in case you wanna eat later. How’re you feeling?”

“I’m fin—.”

“Be honest.”

You take a seat at the edge of his bed. He sits up, placing his pillow on his lap and scooting closer to you.

“Okay, I have a question…and you have to be honest.”

“What is it?”

“Do I look like V-sunbaenim?”

You crease your eyebrows. “V-sunbaenim? As in, Kim Taehyung?”

He nods.

“You two look nothing alike.”

“Really?”

“Yes, you look like yourself.”

“…That’s not what people say. Everyone is always telling us that we look like BTS-sunbaenim or that everything we do reminds them of them. I don’t want to sound like a brat, but I really don’t like it. One second, they’re saying that Soobin looks like Jin-sunbaenim, and the other second, they’re calling Taehyun Jungkook-sunbaenim’s clone. Do we seriously look like them?”

It’s not only himself he’s concerned about, but the other members as well. After their debut, many news outlets exploded with articles about the similarities between them and their senior group. It was your typical cover page with a side-by-side comparison between two members, each from TXT and BTS, red circles around specific parts of their face and drawing arrows to each other. Some of them were outrageous claims, like how Soobin learned how to blow kisses from Seokjin even though Soobin only did it once and it was because the host of the radio show told him to do it.

Some people even went to the extreme and called TXT clout chasers, accusing the young boys for being too privileged. While they were treated with luxuries, they were bombarded with negative comments. It was to be expected, but they weren’t prepared for this extraordinary amount of dislike. Even when they did receive compliments, it never felt genuine because somehow and some way, the same people would draw comparisons to them to their seniors, crediting them for teaching TXT how to be polite.

“None of you guys look like them at all. If you think about it this way, and by no means am I disregarding your frustrations, you guys debuted during the peak of BTS’s popularity. These comparisons were bound to happen. All we can do now is be patient and wait for this to die down. Besides, you guys have a good amount of fans who aren’t forcing themselves to like you guys.”

Despite still being gloomy, you’re able to get Yeonjun to laugh, exhaling through his nose. He elbows your arm. “How are you so optimistic all the time?”

“Because I’ve seen pretty much every second of your rehearsals, and I’m always freakin’ impressed every time I watch. I can’t wait until people acknowledge it too.”

He hides his face in the pillow. “Yea…I can’t wait for that too.”

==========

After being appointed as their temporary manager, the first time you met them was in Los Angele. They looked so young and naïve back then. Beomgyu, Soobin, and Huening Kai had this sort of innocence in their eyes, like they needed to be guided constantly. Despite being the same age as Huening Kai, Taehyun was always calm and professional, never allowing his nervousness show. But as for Yeonjun…arrogant is what you would describe your first impression of him.

The way he stood firm, his chin up and his eyes looking down. You knew that he isn’t a bad person, but it’s just his posture that you never liked. It was like he stood above everyone, his hands in his pockets and constantly in his ‘cool’ pose like a model. Your suspicions of his arrogance came with confirmation when you learned that he’s ranked as number one in vocals, rap, and dance. To add on to the fire, he’s also a trainee for one of the biggest entertainment companies in South Korea, so it’s no surprise that he’s carrying a luggage full of reasons to feel proud.

Wow, this guy probably got everything handed to him, you thought to yourself. When you started your work as their manager, you put the least amount of attention on him. You assumed that since he’s the eldest and is already sufficient with every aspect of being an idol, you didn’t bother with putting in effort for him.

==========

You sit in a conference room with sales and marketing team. The lead of the team stands next to the projector, slamming a stack of paper on the table. The loud bang causes the other employees to jump, including you.

“61,400 only??” He exclaims. “Just 61k was sold?! Tell me what the fuck happened to the sales?!”

On the projector, there’s a bar graph of TXT’s sales history. It records the number of albums that were sold between the two albums: TDC Dream and TDC Magic.

“S-Sir…we tried our best…but it’s just that…”

“Don’t give me your fucking excuses. You all were riding on the expectation that these teens were gonna bring back the same numbers. This isn’t even enough to pay back the budget used to make the damn music video,” he sighs in frustration. “Jesus Christ. BTS are still on their break, but the amount they made off of their Summer Package is enough to pay for three music videos. We’re gonna have to ask for a lower budget for the second music video.”

You glance back at the chart. It hurts seeing their two albums stand side-by-side and that dramatic drop between them. Not only that, but their music video isn’t doing so well either. Compared to their debut music video, they didn’t even have half of what they got on the first day, going from fourteen million views on Crown to a little under five million for 9 and Three Quarters. This is still exponentially well in terms of rookie group standards, but there’s more to it—there are expectations to be met.

It could easily be excused that the video website’s streaming rules have changed, but to have that huge drop can’t simply be because of a system. It’s already been a few days, and the views are barely going up.

But what you’re mostly worried about is what the boys think about this. To have received so much attention in the beginning only to be pretty much dropped off the face of Earth is no simple feat.

==========

You return to the practice room where the boys are rehearsing with their choreographer. While their coach i flicks his eyes at you then returning back to work, none of the boys bat an eye at you, which is normal. They’re so focused on training that nothing can get them out of it.

Once they finish the entire song, their dance coach turns off their song. “Take five.”

Almost like they’ve been put out of a trance, they snapped to their usual selves, falling to the ground and breathing heavily. Huening Kai is the first to notice you, running to you with what little strength he has left.

“Managerrr!! Save me!” He yelps.

He wraps his arms around you, his hand clasping around your stomach, and you get a strong scent of sweat coming from him. Though, it doesn’t bother you since nearly every time you come into this room, they’re sweating logs.

“Kai is sexually harassing her.” Beomgyu teasingly shouts.

“What?! No, I’m not. Am I, Manager?” He looks at you with his puppy eyes.

“Not at all. How was practice today, guys?”

“We’re doing well! Just tightening some loose ends after we ended our first week of performing.” Soobin pulls Huening Kai away from you.

Huening Kai was about to whine, but Soobin passes a water bottle to him. Dying for water, Kai gives up the complaining for water, taking huge gulps.

“Loose ends? But I thought you guys did great on stage.”

“Not enough,” Beomgyu chimes in. “Our timing is off when we change positions.”

“Kai, don’t take too long to lift me up. If you take more than a second, then it messes up the rest of us.” Taehyun comments.

“Ah…okay…sorry.” He lowers his head.

“I think Kai is improving a lot. It’s so cute seeing him trying to lift Taehyun on his own.” Soobin touches shoulders with Huening Kai to cheer him up.

Huening Kai lets out a small chuckle while you’re adoring their playfulness. You glance at Yeonjun, glaring at himself in the mirror. He runs his hand through his sweaty hair. You don’t know what he’s thinking, but just by that serious look on his face alone, you can tell that he’s not happy.

“How was the meeting?” Soobin takes a sip from the water bottle.

“Uhm…it went okay.”

“What was it about again?”

“It’ll bore you guys if I explain it, so I rather not say. But they’re going to change things up a bit for the second music video’s filming.”

“Oh really?” Beomgyu asks. “Why?”

You can’t bring yourself to tell them the truth. They don’t go on the internet often, especially when it comes to anything that has anything to do with them, so they don’t know much about the records they break or don’t break. If they found out that the number of support they got for this comeback has become lackluster, then it’ll just devastate them.

“Uhm…change in artistic direction.” You pull that out of your ass.

They seem to take your word for it, so it makes you a little relieved. But while the other members moved on, one glance at Yeonjun and you knew that he isn’t convinced. Yeonjun opens his mouth to say something, so you quickly think of diverting this possibility.

“A-anyway, when rehearsals are done, we have to go to on some shows. I’ll let you guys know when it’s time to go.”

You walk out of the room, sighing. Just as you predicted, you couldn’t bring yourself to tell them the truth. How do you go about telling them that they didn’t do so well for this comeback? Not only that, but with your lack of experience as a manager, what can you say or do to encourage them? Even if you don’t tell them, they’ll find out eventually. And you already have a feeling that Yeonjun already does.

You peek through the crack of the door, watching the boys sitting down on the ground. Even though they’re supposed to take a break, they’re watching a recording of themselves to see if they can finds places to improve on.

==========

Yeonjun is in the center of the main dance practice room, free-styling to a song that infuses hip hop and heavy rap. The rest of the students are sitting by the walls. You sit with the other members as they’re just as mesmerized as the rest of the students. The way his body flows so smoothly with the rhythm is so satisfying to watch. If you didn’t know who he was, then you would’ve assumed that he was a coach or a celebrity, not a trainee.

You look at the other members. Soobin is like a high school girl experiencing their first love—his eyes are fixated on him, covering his gaping mouth in pure awe. Huening Kai is bopping his head to the song, more so enjoying the music itself than Yeonjun’s dance, although he still finds it entertaining to watch.

On the other hand, Beomgyu and Taehyun look jealous. Just one look and you can tell that in their heads, they’re most likely thinking, I can do that too. And that’s one thing you don’t particularly like about Yeonjun. He takes the spotlight and enjoys it. He doesn’t share any of it with the other boys. While you’re impressed by his dance, you don’t find his narcissism impressive in the slightly.

When the song ends, the entire class applauds. Soobin claps louder and faster than the rest of the students, bouncing up and down from his spot. The three younger members applaud as well. But Yeonjun doesn’t even look at his teammates. He waves his hands up like he wants the crowd to get louder.

“Okay, who wants to go next?” The coach asks.

A large number of students raise their hands, including Beomgyu. Although Taehyun makes it clear that he’s jealous of the attention that Yeonjun receives, he knows full well that he’s incapable of surpassing him in dance. Then there’s Soobin and Huening Kai who would rather be on the side.

After the coach chooses the next person to freestyle, you were expecting Yeonjun to sit with you and the boys. But to your surprise, he sits with other people, receiving high fives from the other students. It really ticks you off seeing him have the audacity to act like he’s too cool for the boys. You want to bring this up with them, but they don’t seem to particularly mind.

“That was fucking awesome, dude.” One of the students says in English.

“Thanks, I know I was cool.” Yeonjun replies in English as well.

You truly cannot find a reason to like Yeonjun even if he hasn’t done anything directly to you. He’s just so pompous and full of himself. When the members told you that he loves bragging about being ranked top in every category, they weren’t exaggerating. If anything, they weren’t exaggerating enough. With each passing day, Yeonjun starts hanging out less and less with the members unless it’s necessary, such as the private lessons with the five of them or when they’re filming for future projects. Perhaps it’s also the façade that he puts out a lot that you also don’t like. If you really are going to become their manager, you can’t picture yourself being close with him at all.

While you’re too busy finding reason to despise Yeonjun, you catch a glimpse of something. His hands are shaking a lot, but he tries to hide it by putting his hands behind his back.

==========

“You guys look so cute!!” You clasp your hands together.

The boys walk out of their dressing room in matching pink sailor outfits. Your jaw drops at how absolutely adorable they look in them—like anime characters coming to life. When their appearance on the show goes on air, their fans will definitely go insane.

“Huening Kai and Taehyun are the cutest.”

Huening Kai’s cheeks turn pink from your compliment while Taehyun looks indifferent. You turn to Soobin and Beomgyu, and they fit into the cute concept as well.

“I’d prefer something that shows off my more adult side…” Soobin puffs his cheeks while nodding his head.

The way he sulks only amplifies his cuteness. The outfits complement their physical appearance except for their overarching height. But after doing a head count, you notice that there’s somebody missing. You look around, and the eldest is nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Yeonjun?”

“I think he’s still in the dressing room.”

“I’m gonna go get him.”

 You walk to the dressing room, knocking three times. “Yeonjun? You in there?”

“Yea.”

“You almost done? You guys have to go on in a few minutes.”

“Y-yea, just give me a second.”

Yeonjun twists the doorknob, opening it and peeking his head out. You cross your arms, waiting for him to completely walk out, but he’s too embarrassed to show himself.

“What’s wrong?”

“I look dumb.”

You scoff. “I’m sure you look fine.”

“No…”

“Come on, it’s not as bad as you think it is. Besides, the other boys are wearing it too, so you’re not alone.”

“It’s just…”

“You’re fine!”

Feeling impatient, you pull him out of the room. Just as you thought, he’s wearing the sailor uniform like the rest of them. He tries to stand in a masculine pose, slouching his back slightly and putting his hands in his pocket. You can tell he feels humiliated to be in this outfit.

“See? You look cute.”

“That’s the problem. Just because we’re young doesn’t mean that we have to dress like kids. I’m twenty-one for crying out loud.”

“Twenty-one and rocking that look. Come on, even if it looks childish, you can still make it look cool,” you check the time on your phone. “Oh, they’re waiting for us. Let’s go.”

Just as you were about to walk away, you look back to find Yeonjun not moving from his spot. He’s still sulking about the clothes. This is bothering him more than you thought, and you wish you can do something about it, but with the limited time that they have, you can’t change the stylist’s mind.

“Yeonjun?”

“…I want to wear suits like BTS-sunbaenim.”

You freeze, everything around you falling silent. You try thinking of anything to make him feel better, but with every direction you go, it doesn’t form proper sentences. You can think of the usual ‘don’t think too much about it’ or ‘you look great in the outfit’, but they’re shallow assurance, and it won’t make him feel any better.

“You guys are on in five minutes!” A staff member shouts from the room.

“Okay!” You let the staff know before turning back to Yeonjun. “Let’s go.”

That’s all you could say, and it made you seem disingenuous. If only there was a way to make him feel better, but with being a new manager, it also comes with many trial and errors, including some major and minor mistakes. You sort of feel pathetic for not thinking of any clever quotes to cheer him up.

==========

You stand on the other side of the cameras as the five boys speak to the hosts, a man and a woman. They’re dressed in a ridiculous amount of pink, and the entire room itself is fluttered with pink too. Despite the pinkness, the other side is contrasted with silent darkness, sound producers, scriptwriters, and cameramen being blanketed with the damp blackness of the studio while the members and two hosts are riddled with twenty shades of pink.

Since they’re still new to the showbiz world, they’re as stiff as usual, but unlike their debut, they’ve loosened up a bit more. They’re moving around and smiling more, which is a huge step forward. However, despite their more natural side are shown in a better light, Yeonjun is rigid. His hands are behind his back, not moving an inch. And that smile that you know is forced.

“We’re really happy to have K-pop’s next big boy group be on the show!” The male host shouts with an exaggerated enthusiasm. “Tomorrow by Together is known as the monster rookie group, already hitting records and completing their first US tour.”

The five boys clap, cheering sarcastically.

“Despite being so young, they’re pretty tall. On average, their height is 181.3 cm, which is an amazing record on its own. None of you guys have a fixed position either, both in talents and looks!” The female host chimes in.

Everything seems to be going well so far. This show is known for portraying each individual members’ special talents, so this is a great opportunity for the boys to stand out on their own.

“Let’s introduce each member from right to left. Taehyun.”

“Yes.”

As usual, Taehyun is excellent in professional settings. Despite his young age, he knows how to think and act on the spot, improvising and thinking of the right words to say. His timing is never off, and he can read the atmosphere without a problem. It makes the audience, even you, forget that he’s a teenager.

The hosts go through each member, showing off more of their personalities. On the opposite end of the spectrum is Huening Kai. Unlike Taehyun who remains calm yet makes witty comments, Huening Kai is less prepared, but he balances that out with his bubbly personality. He laughs to lighten the mood, knowing how to recover from an embarrassing mistake and turning it into a joke.

Although upon first impression, Beomgyu seemed like the kind of guy who doesn’t mind the shy and cute concept, he’s a natural when it comes to being charismatic and masculine. He can talk to anybody and make it appear like they’ve been friends for years. He doesn’t let the air become awkward and is able to fill it up.

Soobin is the one who makes the most mistakes, his mind often trailing off and messing up his lines. He lets the nervousness take over him, often laughing and hugging the closest member to release some tension. Despite the many mistakes, he repeats himself until he perfects it. His cycle of making and fixing his slip-ups makes the hosts find it endearing.

Last person is Yeonjun. When the hosts lay their eyes on him, he nods and forces a smile.

“Now…last but not least, Choi Yeonjun: born on September 13th, the oldest member, been the trainee the longest and is ranked number one on all three categories, vocals, rap, and dance. Wow, that’s a lot for one person.”

“Yes.” He answers.

“Even though I think you’re all very handsome men, I think you should also be ranked number one in terms of visual too.”

“Ah…” he laughs nervously. “Thank you.”

“I mean, you deserve that title! You have a lot of resemblance with your BTS senior, V-ssi.”

And with that, the light in his eyes disappears.

“You have the hair color, the eyes, and the striking visuals in general. I think you two are even the same height.”

“Ah ha ha…yes.”

Huening Kai is the first to sense Yeonjun’s discomfort, so he steps in to make a comment. “Yeonjun-hyung was always the first trainee to introduce himself. He would take us to the whiteboard with the rankings and ask who was number one in each category. We were all shocked when he said that it was him.”

“Oh, really? Okay, let’s give Yeonjun a chance to show off his skills, starting off with dance.”

Yeonjun steps forward, and to your side, the producers choose a song to put on. Unsurprisingly, they put on a BTS song, Dope. Within seconds, Yeonjun got the gist of the beat and dances to the song accordingly. He doesn’t make a single mistake despite the lack of practice, which is remarkable on its own.

They then put on the next song, which happens to be Boy in Luv. Unlike the fast-pace dancing, it switches to a slower tempo, but he has to show more of his aggressive side. And just like that, he’s got the choreography memorized as well. Once again, they switch the song, but…it’s another BTS song, Fake Love.

This wasn’t a part of the script. They were supposed to play other pop songs and some American music to give him the chance to freestyle. With this last-minute change, Yeonjun falters, only knowing the basics to the Fake Love choreography, but not grasping onto the details that well.

The female host signals the music to stop. “How do you mess up one of their recent songs? Fake Love is played everywhere. You two are in the same company and got more chances to see them practice. You should know their songs to heart.”

Although that was supposed to be a joke, Yeonjun took it personally. You can see that her words have pierced through his chest. You don’t like how she’s putting him on the spot with unrealistic expectations.

“Okay,” the male host interrupts. “Let’s try again but with a different song.”

He waves his hand down, cueing for the next song to play. Yeonjun shakes his hands and spreads his legs out shoulder length, determined to get this one right. The producer plays the song, and it’s Boy with Luv.

Yeonjun freezes. He hasn’t learned this dance because this song came out during the most hectic training period. They were practicing to their songs nonstop as well as performing on stages.

The female host makes it very apparent that she’s disappointed. “Stop, stop, stop. It’s okay, even if you don’t know your seniors’ songs that well, you should at least know this one. It’s simple to learn and it’s their latest song.”

Yeonjun chuckles nervously. “You’re right…”

It’s agonizing to watch this host tear Yeonjun down. There’s clearly some bias here, and she’s going at him more than the other members. It might be because he’s been the trainee the longest or because of his title as the ‘monster trainee’ to increase her expectations on him, this is still borderline harassment. Thankfully, the other members are seeing this as well, so they look at each other, almost like using telepathy to back up their eldest member.

Soobin raises his hand. “Taehyun and Beomgyu have memorized the dance.”

“Oh really?”

“That’s right,” Beomgyu steps forward. “I’ve been a hardcore fan of BTS even before I became a trainee. I’ve studied every single thing, including the timing of their facial expressions.”

“I also enjoy listening to Jungkook-sunbaenim’s English covers. I know all his cover songs by heart.” Taehyun enters the conversations calmly.

This is off-script, but it’s a relief that you can rely on the members to help each other out of a pinch. You nonverbally sigh, but your troubles haven’t left you. It was the members who had to help, and you couldn’t do anything. Not only that, but the deed has already been done. To see the sunken spirit in Yeonjun’s eyes, it hurts. You wish you can reach your hand out to tell him that everything’s alright, you can’t just interrupt recording. All you can do is watch from afar.

==========

In the hallway, Yeonjun is just walking out of the restroom after changing back into his street clothes. Opposite to the cute sailor outfits, he’s wearing a leather jacket and blue jeans, with tan boots that completes it all. Even though you liked both outfits that he was wearing today, nothing beats Yeonjun dressed in the clothes that he’s more confident in.

Standing outside of the men’s restroom is you. He’s caught off-guard to see you waiting. “What are you doing here?”

“I just felt like it.”

“Where are the other guys?”

“They’re still changing. Why didn’t you tell me that you went to the restroom?”

“It was just a quick whizz.”

“You should still tell me.”

He walks back to the room and you follow him from behind. “You’re not my mom.”

“But I’m technically your mom!”

“That’s…let’s not get there. Aren’t you our age?”

“I dunno, am I?”

With this conversation going nowhere, he stops. Even though he sounds a bit harsh, you know that he doesn’t mean to. Today’s show recording was definitely unfair, so it’s not a surprise to see Yeonjun down in the dumps.

“Good job today.”

“Thanks, but I don’t feel like I did well. Not even average or decent.”

“Hey, but you got it over with and that’s all that matters. Now, onto the next one!”

“Yea…”

Despite your efforts in cheering him up, it doesn’t work. Pretending like the issue doesn’t exist isn’t going to make things better for him.

“What that host said, it’s still bothering you, huh?”

He can’t hide from you as well. “You got me. This feeling kinda sucks…”

“I can tell. I don’t think she means it though.”

“You’re siding with her?”

“I’m not. Yea, what she did was really horrible, but everyone’s caught up in the heat where they want to only talk about your seniors. TV shows are dying for BTS to be on their show, but they’re too busy touring. It’s rude, but even for other bands, your sunbaenims are constantly brought up.”

“That’s true…”

“Besides, that doesn’t matter. Anyway, I’m gonna drop by the convenient store to buy some snacks. What do you want?”

“…Can I go with you?”

“What? No, you should be resting! Take every chance to take a nap, relax your muscles, or play some video games! Don’t do something as boring as coming with me to the store.”

“It’s not boring to me. Going to the store with you soothes my nerves. No joke.”

Your cheeks turn red when he grins. It’s been a while since you last saw him smile like that, so you can’t say no to him.

==========

Seoul is filled with your stereotypical description of the urban lifestyle—honking cars, citizens striding through thick crowds of people, and flashing lights at every corner. Since it’s night, the skyscrapers are covered in squares of screens that display an array of advertisements such as drinks, clothes, and latest phone models.

You and Yeonjun are two out of millions going through the city and back to the studio. Despite wearing a mask and beanie to cover his identity, he still stands out like a sore thumb. Girls can’t help but glance and admire his towering, lean body.

“Ah, I really like times like these when we get to go out and enjoy the city air.” You point your nose to the sky and inhale.

“You mean the pollution and bacteria traveling into your nostrils?”

You elbow him. “You didn’t have to phrase it like that!”

He laughs.

One thing you like about this is not only breaking away from the busy life in the entertainment business, but being with Yeonjun. Behind the cameras, he’s an ordinary young adult who enjoys the little things, like walking in the city and making jokes. He doesn’t have to put up a show or be conscious of how he dresses and correcting his posture. He doesn’t have to censor his words and can say whatever he wishes.

You get a text message, and it’s from the group chat. “Taehyun said that Beomgyu is starving to death. Let’s hurry.”

You pick up the pace and so does Yeonjun. You two pass by many small shops that are surviving each day to make ends meet. Some of them are antique shops, record stores, and clothing lines. One of them is a toy store. If you could, you would love to go to them but with very little spare time you have in your hands, it’s too far into the future for you think about it.

You look up at the night sky and notice how particularly cloudy it is. Not only that, but the weather has been getting colder these days.

“Geez, I think it’s gonna rain soon. What do you think, Yeonjun?”

No response.

“Yeonjun?”

You turn around and find Yeonjun standing in front of the toy store. He’s staring down at a table that’s filled with a mix of toys. You tilt your head, curious about what caught his eye.

“Is there something you want?”

He remains quiet.

You look down, there’s one particular toy that stands out to you, which could explain why he stopped. You pick up a box with a doll of the BTS member, V, inside. The plastic cover has been battered up, and the doll’s hair is a mess. The limbs are sprawled in directions that a human bones can’t replicate. All in all, it’s a pitiful sight to bear, but what makes it even more tragic is that this outdoor table is for toys that are on discount.

“I remember when the dolls were announced, everyone went crazy for it.” Yeonjun comments.

He was still a trainee at that time, but he already knew about it before the public did. You did too, but you didn’t think too much about it since nearly everything related to BTS becomes impactful to the world.

“But…look at where it is now. It has its quirks in the beginning, but after a while, this doll will never compare to the real person. It’s a temporary escape from the reality that you’ll never get to be with the real V-sunbaenim.”

The way he words it…is so depressing. This is unlike Yeonjun to be spilling poetic lines. You stare at the doll, and the doll glares back at you. You wonder what the doll’s journey was like, from factory to this clearance table.

“It’s just a doll. I’m sure it’ll find an owner,” you assure him. “Let’s hurry back before they get upset.”

He turns to you as if you offended him, not the doll. But he looks away with a troubled look, ultimately plastering a nonconsensual smile. You know you said something wrong, but you don’t know what it is.

“Manager…” Yeonjun calls out.

“Yea?”

“…I’m…different from V-sunbaenim, right?”

This isn’t a hard question, and yet you’re having a hard time answering it. It’s because if you answer either ‘yes’ or ‘no’, they both carry heavy context behind them. It’s plainly obvious how Yeonjun will feel if you say ‘no’, but saying ‘yes’ would also feel shallow depending on the tone. In this situation, how do you answer?

“…You’re fine just the way you are.” You say it with a tone as plain as cardboard.

You can’t decipher his expression, and it worries you more. It’s like you nailed the coffin perfectly and just made his mood worse.

Without putting much thought into it, you take him by his hand, holding it tightly. He’s confused, but you muster a smile. “Come on, stay close so that we don’t separate. You’re the one carrying Soobin’s snacks. He’ll cry if we lose it.”

You drag him along with you. As you walk forward with him in hand, you make quick glances behind to check on him. His sullen expression still remains, and it makes you all the more conflicted. You don’t know exactly what’s going on in his head, but you’re too afraid to ask, thinking that he might just brush off your worries as meaningless thinking.

==========

“Kai, don’t cry.” Soobin pats him on the back.

Occupying a private dance room in Los Angeles, Huening Kai is sitting in a fetal position, wiping his eyes with his hands. Soobin and Taehyun are on their knees, one person on each side. You sit in front of him, thinking of ways to encourage him.

“You’re overreacting. You did everything fine.” Taehyun adds on.

“I can’t dance. I’m really bad at it.” He mutters to himself.

“Have some water and let’s be chirpy again!” Beomgyu kneels down and passes him a bottle of water, but he doesn’t accept it.

“I shouldn’t have tried to become an idol. I don’t like, I hate this. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“Huening Kai, don’t say that,” You put your hands over his. “You’re doing great.”

But it doesn’t seem like your message has crossed over. It’s understandable that Huening Kai gets into moods like this, especially being under immense pressure despite only living fifteen years of his life. To be so young yet feel defeated makes your eyes water.

Standing on the other side of the room is Yeonjun, still rehearsing. You’re a little annoyed that he more interested in himself than Huening Kai. You give him dagger eyes, waiting for him to do something, but nothing happens.

“Yeonjun, can’t you at least take your eyes off of yourself for a second?” You pout.

“Manager, don’t…! It’s okay!” Huening Kai begs.

He finally turns to your direction, staring back at you as you glare. He scratches the back of his head, approaching Huening Kai until he crouches in front of him.

“If this is too much for you, then why don’t you just quit?”

Huening Kai gasps, and so does the rest of you. You have the urge to smack him across the face, wondering how he could ask that question when Kai is already at his lowest.

“I don’t want to…”

“Why? You’re the one who keeps complaining about how hard it is.”

Huening Kai looks conflicted, like his words are biting back at him.

“Yeonjun, don’t—”

But Soobin stops you by putting his hand on your shoulder. While you don’t know what’s going on, it seems like the rest of the boys do.

“I don’t want to quit.”

Yeonjun’s serious expression then switches that of an upbeat grin. He pats him on the back, pulling him for a neck hug.

“You say that you want to quit, but deep down, you want to keep going. The moment negative thoughts start passing through your head, shut them out immediately and start finding compliments for yourself.”

“But…that’s a bit self-serving…”

He shakes his head. “Conceited people compliment themselves as a means of building a wall to avoid their ego from being hurt. Confident people are so confident in themselves that they want others to succeed too. Come on, let’s keep practicing. Show me what you need help with and I’ll do my best to help.”

“Me too!” Soobin raises his hand.

“I’ll take part too.” Taehyun adds.

“Hey! Don’t leave me out either!” Beomgyu shouts.

These boys will never stop amazing you, but it also makes you feel bad. You feel like you didn’t do anything, and Yeonjun, once again, knows what to say and do. It makes you feel insecure—like you’re not cut out for the job. Once again, it’s Yeonjun overpowering someone’s abilities.

And despite disliking it, you can’t help but see Yeonjun in a more positive light. You thought that he didn’t care about the other members, but it doesn’t seem like the case all the time.

==========

You’re in the van with the rest of the boys and the driver. This time, they’re dressed in more formal attire, wearing suits. You’re glad that Yeonjun is a little more confident in himself now that he’s wearing what he wanted, but there’s still that lingering sense of gloom that floats around him.

The driver is playing songs on the radio while the boys are busy playing on their phones. Many overplayed songs play on the radio, some that you are still in love with and others where you’re getting sick of.

BTS’s song plays, and already, you can sense Yeonjun feeling uncomfortable. His raises his shoulders, scratching his head more than usual. You can see his distraught being played in the rear-view mirror.

“Excuse me, can you turn off the radio?”

“Oh yea, sure.” He turns it off.

You look back in the mirror, and he’s look like he’s fine, though a little disturbed. He clears his throat, looking at the reflection in his mirror and fixing his hair. Every time the driver hits a bump, Yeonjun would look at his phone’s camera’s portrait mode to fix his hair.

 Drawing near the red carpet, the boys get ready to prepare for their walk. They can already hear hundreds of screams, and it only gets louder as they get closer. They check themselves one last time, making sure that every detail is perfect. Through the windows, there are fans screaming and waving at them.

“Alright, good luck, guys! Go make the crowd go wild!” You cheer them on.

They cheer back right as the car parks. In an instant, they shut their mouths, preparing for flashing lights from cameras and the nonsensical screams. They come out one by one, and you wait until they’ve walked enough so that you can enter. You don’t like being in the spotlight, so you rather distance yourself from situations such as these.

Just as planned, the boys stride through the red carpet professionally, waving and throwing finger hearts at fans. Once the crowd turn their heads away from your direction, you speed out of the car, wearing your face mask and parka to hide your identity. You speed to the backdrop where the five boys stand and pose for the hosts of the red carpet.

Behind the photo scene, you watch from behind as a barrage of camera flashes blind your vision. You can barely make shape of the members’ bodies. Judging how the situation is going, they seem to be handling it well. This isn’t the first time they were in front of this many cameras on a carpet walkway, so it’s not surprising that they’re doing well on their own.

“As BTS’s juniors, they’re doing amazing by breaking records of their own and standing out internationally, as well as in Korea. Coming back to the spotlight after two delays of their comeback, they returned with their first full-length album The Dream Chapter: Magic. It’s extremely rare that a rookie group is able to release a full album so soon, so they have a lot to show their fans. And speaking of fans, please pose for them, Tomorrow by Together!” The male host announces.

And doing what they’re told, they immediately start posing, raising their hands up to make hearts. They tilt their heads, some of them smiling and others, like Beomgyu and Yeonjun, making serious expressions. Fans are cheering for them, jumping and waving their hands at them but also hiding their faces behind cameras larger than their heads. They even have built-in lenses that are so large that it makes the cameras look like telescopes.

“Is there anything you would like to tell your fans?” The male host passes the microphone to Yeonjun.

He takes it, waving before taking a second to think about what he wants to say. “First of all, thank you to the MOAs who have been supporting us with our newest title track, 9 and Three Quarters. We worked very hard and put all our passion into each song in the album, so we would really appreciate it if every one of you also sup—”

Suddenly, someone throws an egg at Yeonjun, aimed perfectly at his head. The shell cracks into a million pieces, the raw components splattering all over his face. While the crowd gasps in horror, Yeonjun is in complete shock. During their years of training to deal with not only being exposed to passionate fans but also hate groups.

Among the crowd is a woman wearing sunglasses, a face mask, and a black beanie. She’s wearing all in black and is holding a carton of eggs in her arms.

“YOU’RE A PARASITE TO BTS. YOU LEECH OFF OF THEM TO MAKE EFFORTLESS CASH. THEY WORKED SO HARD ONLY FOR YOU TO TAKE IT AWAY. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD. YOU’RE ALL FUCKING SCUM AND DESERVE TO DIE IN A SHITHOLE.”

She grabs more eggs to throw at Yeonjun. Bodyguards are sprinting toward her, but with so many people in the way, it’s taking longer to get to her. The staff from behind the backdrop, including you, are rushing onto the scene to grab the boys. But Yeonjun is furthest away from the exit, and the host next to him has ran off. In a state of panic, the staff and guards can only think about saving the idols who are closest to them, but no one is running to Yeonjun.

He’s frozen in shock, still processing what just happened as the egg whites drip from his hair. Even though everything is moving fast, it’s like time has slowed down, giving you milliseconds to think about your next moves. But some of her eggs fail to reach Yeonjun like the first attempt. With the guards tailing in on her, she dashes toward him, grabbing a fan’s large, expensive camera, lunging it back and readying it to hit Yeonjun with it.

Then that’s when Yeonjun’s bright, loving smile flashes through your mind. You thought about all the times you’ve spent with him laughing, playing games, and eating junk food with him. He used to be so happy, and it made your chest warm when you saw him in love with being an idol.

So…when did it start falling apart?

And the last frame in your mind was the first time you’ve ever seen him cry. All alone and on the ground, begging for his stress to go away. He repeats over and over that he wants to give up—the same trainee that was ranked number one, the same guy who everyone dismisses his five years of brutal training as ‘his seniors’ privileged little brother’, the same boy who you disliked because you made an assumption about him before you got to know him.

The next thing you know, you’re standing in between Yeonjun and the camera that the woman has thrown. In that brief moment, you and Yeonjun make eye contact. He looks so scared, like a child who’s been traumatized. But you don’t want him to keep making that face, so in the midst of the chaos, you smile, letting him know that everything will be alright.

Then your vision turns black.

==========

You clasp onto the door frame, your mouth hanging open. You thought you heard Yeonjun wrong. This is the same guy who you thought that he’s full of himself. But to see him on the ground, crying his eyes out, it was like reality hitting you really hard that trainee life can take a toll even on the most gifted of trainees, even Yeonjun.

“What did you say?” Unbeknownst to you, there was another person in the room. It’s their main choreography coach. “You’re quitting? You’re more pathetic than I thought.”

His coach crouches, knocking on Yeonjun’s head harshly.

“You’re so full of yourself that you’ve forgotten how much you’re a fucking sore eye to watch when you dance. Your feet and back is hurting? Bullshit. Those are excuses that quitters make. You think you can keep being number one with that mindset?”

How have you’ve never seen this up until now? How can this crude man be considered a coach?

“I’m sorry, I won’t say it again.” Yeonjun mutters as he sniffs, but he hasn’t stopped crying.

“Might as well make Taehyun number one. He’s doing great and he doesn’t whine like you. And he’s pretty young, too. He’ll top you in no time, and you’ll be last because you’re incompetent.”

Even bringing up the other members makes you sick. There’s something twisted about how he puts down Yeonjun’s spirit by comparing him to the other boys. While competition is great, this is just outright creating unnecessary rivalry. It now makes sense why Yeonjun distanced himself from the other boys; it was the work of this man. He made him fear his own teammates.

“Sitting around and shitting yourself isn’t going to make you a better dancer. Get the fuck up and keep practicing.”

But Yeonjun is hesitant to get up which irritates the coach.

“What are you still doing? Get. Up.”

“But…sir…it’s almost lunch time. The other members are back in the room…and they’re waiting for me.”

“Do I hear a goddamn wimp talking again?”

He immediately shakes his head. “No.”

“Then get up and stop crying. I’ll let you eat when you’ve finished thinking about what you did wrong. Besides…” he pinches Yeonjun’s cheeks. “No girl wants a guy who has fat on their face.”

He swipes Yeonjun’s face away, getting up and stomping out of the room. In the brink of time, you were able to hide behind the door while he walks out. He does what he’s told and gets up, and you cover your mouth when you realize the horror that’s been going on behind the scenes.

You can’t just hide. You want to talk to him, you want to know if he’s okay. If this is how their coach treats Yeonjun, you can’t imagine what he does to the other members.

You peek your head into the room, seeing as he’s already returns to dancing. He’s rubbing his feet and back like it’s in pain. You never noticed this before, but he has a lot of scars and burises on his arms and legs, most likely from excessive practicing. Some are old, some are new. He’s always worn long sleeves during practice and filming, at least long enough to hide them.

However, you’ve been staring for too long that you catch Yeonjun’s attention. You both are startled, but Yeonjun immediately wipes his eyes to hide his wet eyes.

“Wh-what are you doing here? I thought you were with the rest.”

You shake your head. “I came here to let you know that we’re going to get lunch.”

“It’s okay, I’m not hungry.”

You curl your lips inward, trying to fight the urge to cry. You don’t want to make it seem like you eavesdropped, but it’s too late.

“You…heard everything, didn’t you?”

You don’t reply.

“Ah…so embarrassing…”

“I’m…sorry.” You murmur.

“What?”

“I didn’t know.”

You step forward, falling into Yeonjun’s arms. He’s confused, trying to push you away, but you won’t let him.

“What are you sorry for?”

You’re not sorry for listening to their conversation. You’re sorry for making the wrong assumption about him. Because of that, you deemed him as the villain who only wants to win for himself. You feel immensely guilty for pushing him aside without putting much thought. But now looking back, you were wrong for making up thoughts based on how he acted and look.

“I’ll do everything in my power to make sure that that coach is fired.”

“Wh-what…? You don’t have to.”

“No! I have to! I don’t want you to debut with that way of thinking! You’re better than what he makes you to be.”

He’s at a loss of words. He’s hesitant about putting his arms around you, but he ultimately does it. His hands are shaking so much, and you aren’t sure if it’s because of malnourishment from extreme dieting or if he’s scared.

“I’m okay…really…” Yeonjun chuckles as he fails to fight back his tears. “I’m okay…I’m fine. I’m fine…I’m…okay…I’m…not…”

He starts crying louder and louder, though not too loud so the coach can hear. He lowers his back, though slowly because his spine is in excruciating pain from so much dancing. He buries his face into your shoulder, sobbing. He clutches onto the back of your shirt, not wanting to let go of this warmth. You can tell by how awkward he wraps his arms around you that he doesn’t hug that often.

Those years of pressure to keep up with his reputation is catching up to him. Everyone may think he’s a super trainee who will undoubtedly succeed, but at the end of the day, he’s still a trainee. You may never fully know what he exactly endured, but imagine five years, 1,825 days, that he had to suffer thinking that he’ll never debut. His naïve dreams of inspiring others with his performances slowly diminishing as time went by, fleeting into dust when he realizes that he may never debut.

That’s why he’s so conceited—hiding away his anxiety and fears of never being able to show the world those five years of torturous training. He built himself up so high because he wanted to believe that he’ll make it, and he wanted to convince others of that too because he never truly did. In the darkness, he was scared that the scars he received, the mental beatings, and the physical pains were for nothing. After all, a narcissistic person tries to hide his flaws rather than having enough confidence to help others.

He was so deep in his vicious thoughts that he forgot what it was like to be comforted. That’s probably why he’s holding onto you so tightly, because he’s afraid that he won’t have another chance to feel this vulnerable. What started as a rocky relationship, he became your harsh reality of the music industry, but you have become his therapy.

But this escape-therapy can only go so far.

==========

You regain consciousness, and the first thing you see is a white ceiling. You hear a monitor beating to your side. You turn your head, seeing the four boys sitting next to you. They’re all frozen, like they can’t believe that you’re awake.

“MANAGER!! I…! You…! Alive!!” Soobin bursts into tears.

He throws himself onto you, losing your breath because of his heavy weight pressing against your chest. Your heart rate increases on the motor, so Huening Kai immediately pulls him off of you.

“Are you trying to kill her?!”

“I’m…I’m…I’m…just so happy!” He’s like a broken faucet that can’t stop crying.

Beomgyu and Taehyun are also crying, though Taehyun tries to hide it with his hand. It doesn’t help when you can see his tears landing on his lap.

“How are you feeling?!” Beomgyu asks.

“I’m…so sleepy…Where am I?” You try getting up.

But Huening Kai pushes your shoulders back down. “Don’t get up! You need all the rest you can get.”

After wiping the tears away, Taehyun clears his throat. “A criminal threw a camera at Yeonjun-hyung, but you managed to get in between, but you ended up getting hurt and got an injury to the head.”

“Calling her a criminal is a bit too much…” Huening Kai states.

“Too much or not, she still committed a crime because she had intent on harming us, especially our hyung. If we weren’t in public, then I would’ve done anything to stop her. But my ideas would’ve sent me to prison.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“IDIOT!!!” Beomgyu shouts suddenly.

His loud voice startles you, creating a spike in your heartbeat monitor. You’re jokingly beginning to think that them being in the room with you is going to do more harm to your body.

“Why did you try to tried acting like a hero?! During times like that, you have to save yourself!!” He keeps on crying and let his nose run.

Honestly, you don’t know either. Your feet moved on its own, and your only goal was to ensure Yeonjun’s safety. And speaking of Yeonjun, he’s nowhere to be found.

“Where’s Yeonjun?”

“Yeonjun-hyung…he…” Huening Kai pauses.

“Hyung is back at the dorms. Because of the assault, we had to temporarily pause activity in the meantime. We were also checked and we’re fine.”

“But Hyung…” Beomgyu trails off.

Your heart drops, fearing for the worse.

“He—”

“He was just a little startled,” Taehyun continues. “He’s taking a break in the dorms right now.”

You sigh in relief. The anticipation was really killing you. It makes sense that he’s still a little shaken up because the threat was aimed toward him, after all. But despite the assurance, you can’t help but worry.

“Is it okay to leave him by himself…?” You ask.

“We were just about to leave to check on him. We’ll let the nurses know that you woke up and we’ll be on our way. We’ll text you if something comes up.” Taehyun says.

Soobin, who’s still riddled with tears, places his hands over yours. “Manager, please eat a lot. Call us immediately if something happens. Text us through Kakao, but if you absolutely have to, then use our actual phone number. Don’t try to do anything on your own and have the nurses assist you. And I know how much you stress out about us, so every morning, afternoon, and evening, I’m going to remind you not to worry. If it makes you feel better, I’ll leave voicemails about what each of us did for that day too. Here, I’ll set up three alarm clocks to remind myself to text you every day.”

Right as he whips his phone out, you raise your hand up to stop him. “N-no, it’s okay.”

“Okay, we’ll be leaving.” Huening Kai winks at you.

“Call me when you guys make it back to the dorms.”

“Yes, yes worry-wart.”

==========

“Why did you lie to her?!” Beomgyu shouts.

“I didn’t want to lie, but I thought it was better that way,” Taehyun crosses his arms.

“But she’s already concerned for Hyung as it is. Lying won’t make it any better!!” Beomgyu’s loud voice draws attention.

Panicked, Soobin shushes him. “Beomgyu, please! People are staring.”

“You do realize that if we tell her, then all she’s ever gonna try and do is sneak out of the hospital and look for him on his own, right? She won’t listen to us if we still that Hyung still comes home every night.”

“But…he’s gone all day, and we don’t know where he goes. We’ve already tried talking to him, but he won’t listen to us!!”

“I think Taehyun’s right,” Huening Kai raises his hand. “At least for now, we should at least keep it a secret until she’s recovered. It’ll just stress her out even more if we tell her now.”

“I agree with the both of them.” Soobin also votes.

Beomgyu looks at the three of them, unable to believe they would continue with this falsity. However, they do have a point. Your stress levels have definitely spiked ever since their comeback, and adding more to that isn’t going to make you rest, but freak out more.

“Al…alright. But we have to tell her soon!”

“Yes, we will,” Taehyun says. “Just. Don’t. Tell. Her.”

He warns all of them, but particularly at Beomgyu. Even though Taehyun says that, he has a strong feeling that Beomgyu will give in to the weight.

==========

Thankfully, the injury to your head isn’t that serious. For the next two days, you remain in the hospital to double check that you can function properly without any disruptions to your brain.

Unsurprisingly, the attack became international news. Accusations were placed everywhere, with fans blaming the awards ceremony for not having high security. Even though fan outrage is to be expected, getting angry over it can’t undo what has already happened. In your opinion, you wish that rather than focusing their attention toward blaming the ceremony, they should be more focused on the wellbeing of the boys. Thankfully, there are fans who worry more about them than award show functionality.

For the last two days, the boys have been taking a short hiatus. They can’t even enter the Big Hit building because there are so many journalists crowding at every entrance. To the best of your luck, Big Hit has never publically shared which hospital you’re staying at, so there are no journalists anywhere here. It makes it easier for the members to visit you during their free time.

Just as Soobin promised, he’s been updating you about the boys. They seem to be doing well, even sending you an entire essay about each member in exquisite detail, with the exception of Yeonjun. For him, Soobin would keep it very vague, and it doesn’t make matters any better when Yeonjun’s the only person who hasn’t visited you. They keep telling you that he’s fine, but you want to see it for yourself.

 “Yay! You’re leaving tomorrow morning!” Beomgyu claps his hands.

Today, it’s only Beomgyu who came. Huening Kai and Taehyun had to stay after school to make up a few tests that they missed, and Soobin had already visited you in the morning. Beomgyu is still in his school uniform and he brought some candy for you snack on.

“Yea, I feel like I was going insane being cooped up in this room all day. I guess it’s true that when you see the color white all the time, it makes you go crazy.” You laugh.

“But just because you leave the hospital doesn’t mean that you should go back to your usual routine. Take things slowly. I can play as the manager while you heal!” Beomgyu points to himself with his thumb.

“Uh…it’s okay. If you’re the manager, then the group is going to be in shambles within weeks,” you elbow him. “I’m just kidding. Thanks for volunteering to do that though. That’s mature of you to take responsibility.”

“Anything for you.” Beomgyu holds your hand and sways it up and down as he giggles.

He lets go of your hand then looks out the window, exhaling carbon. The skies are covered with gray clouds.

“Ah…I hope the sky becomes happier when you leave. I want the entire world to be happy when you get out!”

You chuckle. “That’s so adorable. Thank you.”

“But I do hope that this bad weather makes the news reporters just leave was alone. They’ve been camping out in front of the building.”

“Oh yea, on the same topic as that, no one’s been harassing you guys about the whole ordeal, right?”

He shakes his head. “These big scary guards have been protecting us, so we’ve been protected very well.”

“And how’s Yeonjun?”

Beomgyu freezes. You wait for him to reply, but when he takes longer than he should, that’s when you realize that something’s going on.

“…He is doing fine…right?”

“Ye…yea…! He is! He’s terrific, fine, excellent, phenomenal, exuberant!”

But you aren’t convinced. “Beomgyu, don’t lie to me.”

“I-I’m not lying!” He laughs nervously. “Why would I lie to you?”

“Please, tell me the truth.”

With your serious yet calmly desperate tone, he can’t hide it anymore. After a few days of keeping it a secret, he has to tell you. “Hyung has been going out a lot. We don’t know where he goes, but when we ask, he won’t tell us. When he does come home, he goes straight to bed and sleeps until he gets up and repeats.”

“What? Are you telling me that he goes by himself with no guards?”

“W-well…”

“Is he out right now?”

“I don’t know…I think so?”

You throw the blanket off of yourself, moving your legs off of the bed before Beomgyu places his hands on your shoulders to prevent you from getting out. “What are you doing??”

“I’m gonna go look check on him.”

“Are you nuts?! You haven’t been discharged yet, and you’re leaving?!”

“Yes, so let me go.”

“I can’t! Agh…I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. Manager, please don’t try and go. We’re all worried as it is.”

“What?”

“Taehyun told me that we should keep it a secret from you because we want you to rest. We’re already troubled having to find Yeonjun-hyung, and we’ll just get even more worried if you push your body.”

You paid so much attention on Yeonjun that you pushed the other boys aside. The pained expression on Beomgyu’s face says it all—the situation that both you and Yeonjun are in is taking a toll on them too. They may act like it isn’t bothering them when it clearly is; they’re trying their best to do what they can.

You put your legs back under the blanket begrudgingly. “Okay…I’m sorry, Beomgyu.”

He sighs in relief, glad that Taehyun won’t have to get upset. “Is there anything I can do for you? I have to go back to the dorms after.”

“No, I’m good. You can go now. Thanks for stopping by and giving me candy. I don’t think I can last another meal with hospital food.” You laugh.

Although you’re trying to lighten the mood, Beomgyu can sense that you’re still troubled. He pretends like he didn’t notice and forces an obvious fake laugh.

“O…okay. Please text us if you need anything. I’ll be going now.”

Beomgyu leaves and closes the door. Now alone, you think about what to do. Sneaking out of the hospital isn’t going to make things better, even though you really want to. For now, you can only wait until you’re discharged from the hospital.

Or…that’s what they want you to think. Your instincts tell you that if you don’t do something right now, then you’re going to regret it.

==========

“WHAT?!”

Soobin shushes Beomgyu.

“Mi-mi-mi-missing?! What are we gonna do?! Does Taehyun and Huening Kai know about this?? A-and, Manager, she—”

“Seriously, calm down, Beomgyu! They don’t know about it. I think it’s better not to tell them until they come back. As for Manager…I don’t know.”

“We have to let her know!” Beomgyu takes his phone out. “I literally told her that he’s fine!”

“W-wait, let’s think about it first.”

“That’s what we’ve been doing! We kept thinking about it that it drove Yeonjun to go missing!!”

As the leader, Soobin is trying to remain calm, but inside, he doesn’t know what to do either. He feels awful that he kept this hidden from you. However, making you panic isn’t going to make things better either.

He thought about calling the police, but with the media already on their tails, he doesn’t want to cause more trouble and create an even bigger scene.

“I’m going to tell Manager.” Beomgyu dials your phone number.

“Beomgyu—”

“What?! Are you going to tell me to keep it on the down low again?! Sorry, Hyung, but I can’t. I don’t want to keep hiding from each other anymore. I don’t want to disappoint her again.”

Soobin is hesitant, but Beomgyu is right. “…Okay, you call her and I’ll let the younger two know,” he looks out the window, seeing as it started raining. “I just hope Hyung is safe…”

Beomgyu lets his phone ring for a while. After five rings, that’s when he knew that there’s something going on with you. Whenever it’s one of the boys who’s calling, you would pick up immediately unless there was an emergency. And since you’re not picking up your phone…

“H-Hyung…she’s not picking up. Wh-what should we do?!”

==========

You don’t know how, but you miraculously escaped the hospital. Thankfully, the members left some of your sweaters for you in case you got cold, so you were able to hide your patient uniform and leave without anybody noticing. Your hospital bed doesn’t have an alarm, so you were able to get up without having to alert the nurses.

But what you didn’t have was an umbrella. Within seconds in the rain, you’re soaked. And even though you set out in search of Yeonjun, you don’t know where to start. You left your phone in the hospital, so there’s no way you get contact him—that is if he doesn’t ignore your calls or messages.

With the day drawing towards its end, the skies grow darker with the clouds raining heavier. Less people are on the streets, only drunkards waddling back to their homes and college students coming back from restaurants.

You run around the city, passing through citizens who may look like him but to your dismay, he isn’t any of them. From head to toe, you’re drenched. Even your slippers are too wet to keep your feet dry. With each footstep, the pressure put onto the slipper squeezes some water out, only for it to soak up more.

You want to call his name, but you’re afraid that by doing so, it’ll call attention. While he may have dyed his hair blue, he is most likely hiding it to avoid being recognized. Everything is playing against you, and it makes you agonize in your lonesome worries—that you’ll probably won’t be able to find him.

It pains you to think about all this might’ve been avoidable. Maybe if you didn’t push aside his problems, then this wouldn’t have happened. Of course, the attack at the red carpet was unforeseeable, but perhaps the smallest of decisions before that might’ve changed some decisions.

And looking back in the past, to trace your steps to the places you’ve been with him. It might be pointless, but it’s the best you can do. Standing at the dead center of the sidewalk, you scour through your memories, from the convenience store to the variety shows. Of all places, there was one place that stood out to you. It might’ve have very little significance at the time, but after putting everything together, it oddly makes sense. With a destination in mind, you run.

==========

At the toy store, it’s long since been closed for the day, but just as you thought, Yeonjun is there. You’re overwhelmed with an array of emotions, relieved that he’s okay but also concerned to see him just as wet as you. He’s crouching next to a trash bin next to the store like he’s inspecting something.

“Yeon…!” You stop yourself before calling his name.

But he heard you clearly. He can recognize your voice from a mile away, but he doesn’t react whatsoever. It’s only when you stand behind him when he turns around. Even though it’s the same person, his eyes have bags underneath. His hair is a mess, matted to his forehead from the rain. His nose, cheeks, and ears are red, but is skin and lips have lost color. When you trace your eyes down to his hands, he’s holding something.

You snap out of your trance, shaking your head then crouching to his level. “What are you doing here?!”

“…(Y/N)?” He mutters a small chuckle. “Ah…I’m hallucinating now. You should be in the hospital.”

Cradled in his hands is the V doll that you two saw days ago. It’s out of its box now, but it has black dirt all over its clothes and face. It has lost some of its plastic hair, revealing a few bald spots with holes.

“Wh-why do you have that? Come on, let’s go.”

You try helping him up, but he refuses to move. He even shoves your hands off of him.

“Hey, (Y/N). Guess what I just found out?” Yeonjun smiles, though the ends of his lips twitch. “For the past few days, I came here to make sure that someone would buy this poor doll and give it affection. I didn’t want to buy it because I wanted someone else to prove that a doll like this can be loved. Every, single, day, people would pass by this doll and aren’t willing to end its loneliness. And you know what? Just a few hours ago, the owner of the store was clearing out his clearance toys and threw them out, and this doll was one of them.”

He’s talking like a mad man. But his grin slowly twists into a sour expression as he bites his bottom lip.

“It fell out of its box and got dirty. It became nothing more than another piece of trash. And it made me open my eyes: the reason why this doll can’t be loved is because it’s just an imitation of the real V-sunbaenim! There are millions of V copycats, just like this doll, and none of them will ever match his level of superiority. People fall in love with the real V-sunbaenim, not this, so it’s obvious that they want the real one,” he squeezes the doll so tight that the limbs begin to misshapen. “The fake one is just temporary. The fakes are always the ones who are left behind…”

That’s when it hits you; Yeonjun isn’t talking about the millions of factory-made dolls of Taehyung, or any of the other BTS members in that regards.

But himself.

“Ever since our debut, I kept having demented thoughts…I supported my seniors, but deep down…I wanted them to fail. I wanted them see them crash and burn because…the more successful they became, the more pressure that came upon us. And I hate myself for being selfish! But…I’m more scared of disappointing the people…our fans…that I can’t live up to their expectations.”

You’re so shocked that you can’t say anything. All this bottled up emotions has been eating him up, and it’s scaring you.

“If we tried our best, we got hated because they think we’re trying to top our seniors, but if we didn’t live up to their expectations, then we were accused of being privileged and lazy.”

His eyes are turning swollen, and he can’t stop crying. He covers his eyes the palm of his hands, wailing in pain.

“I didn’t become a performer only to continue someone else’s dreams! (Y/N)…I can’t take it anymore…”

No, he’s doing it again.

“I can’t…”

Don’t say it.

“I want to give up—”

“YEONJUN!” You shout from the top of your lungs.

You grab his cheeks, shaking him violently. His face is so icy—so cold that it could give you frostbites. While he’s sitting, you’re standing on your knees, hovering over him small body.

“Get those thoughts out of your head! Don’t ever say that you want to give up! You will make your own mark!! You’re going to go on stage and prove to yourself that you’re not Taehyung from BTS, but Yeonjun from Tomorrow by Together. And…and…”

You can’t hold back your tears either, letting all your emotions out as well.

“I’ll be there…supporting you…Soobin, Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Huening Kai. Because we’re a team, and we help each other out.”

You pull him in for a hug, and his head is nuzzled on your shoulder. When he tries to fight you off of him, you don’t let go.

“They may compare you to Taehyung, and they can hate you for all we care. But you’ll never be Taehyung.”

You pull him back, smiling.

“And he can never be you, either. Just like how there’s only one Kim Taehyung from BTS, there’s only one Choi Yeonjun from TXT, and that’s you.”

His eyes widen, then within seconds, he bursts into tears. He hides his face in your chest, sobbing like a child. He drops the doll to hold onto you. Despite you shivering too, your body gives so much warmth, and he doesn’t want to let go.

Having to grow up into the cruelty known as the entertainment world where the agencies and audience has the right to control their lives, Yeonjun could never cry in pain. His fears hold him back from ever revealing his vulnerable side because he’s the ‘number one trainee of Big Hit’. A title so high like that, he had to pretend to be a man who can stand tall. But…as time went by, it broke him bit by bit. He was constantly compared and belittled, and it hurt him more than anyone could ever imagine.

“(Y/N)…I don’t want to let go. I’m scared…I’m scared of the world, myself, everything.”

“It’s okay…don’t worry.”

“I don’t hate my seniors…I don’t hate our fans…I just hate…how the world works.”

“Don’t beat yourself up anymore. You don’t have to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to eat whatever you want, dress however you want, and be the person you want to be. They can judge you, but they can’t define you. Now, let’s go back home.”

==========

Many hours later back in the dorms, the four members are standing by the bedroom door. They want to check, but they don’t want to disrupt you and Yeonjun. You two have been in there for hours. But even with the warnings of the other members, Beomgyu is antsy.

“Why can’t I just look?”

“No! They’re probably tired and just want to be left alone.” Soobin steps in between Beomgyu and the door.

Beomgyu groans. “Those two have been doing crazy things, and I can’t take a break.”

“Lower your voice. They’re most likely sleeping.” Taehyun shushes.

“…Okay…” he sighs. “But just a peek.”

Beomgyu steps around Soobin and tries to open the door.

“No!” Huening Kai pulls him away. “It’s forbidden to intervene in such an intimate moment.”

“…You calling it ‘intimate’ is just making me even more nervous! What if Yeonjun-hyung is, you know, doing things to her?!”

“They both came back to the dorms drenched in rain, potentially sick from being exposed to germs, and that’s what you’re worried about?” Taehyun raises an eyebrow.

“Manager has been in the bedroom for a long time…” Soobin plays with his fingers. “Who would’ve ever thought that they had an awkward relationship from the beginning?”

“Eh? They did?” Beomgyu asks, oblivious.

“Of course. They wanted nothing to do with each other. I don’t know when, but they became friends out of nowhere.”

“It’s even weirder that Yeonjun-hyung didn’t like her at first, but look at him now,” Taehyun crosses his arms. “He’s completely infatuated with her.”

Beomgyu stares at the boys, wide-eyed. “…WHAT?! Ye-Ye-Yeonjun-hyung l-l-likes Manager?! Since when?!”

“You couldn’t tell?” Huening Kai laughs. “He makes it very obvious. There are times when he becomes a vicious wolf when we hog her too much…”

“Manager probably likes him too.” Taehyun adds.

“What…?” Beomgyu looks baffled and disappointed, like he just lost a battle.

“I wouldn’t be surprised…” Kai drags his sentence. “Yeonjun-hyung does have that air of maturity. She probably wants someone like him.”

“…I’m an adult too.” Soobin mutters under his breath.

“I do hope that Yeonjun-hyung does realize that not everybody hates us,” Taehyun turns on his phone, sliding through pages of articles. “We have fans who care about us too. V-sunbaenim also sent us a message in the group chat, asking if we’re okay. He said that he’s even willing to cancel their activity in the U.S. just to visit us…”

“All of our seniors are worried about us. They do treat us too good.” Huening Kai chuckles nervously.

“Oh, I know!” Soobin jumps excitedly. “Before he wakes up, let’s compile all the supportive comments that we’ve received during our hiatus, including some from BTS-sunbaenim.”

“He’s going to cry for sure. There’s so much support from our fans that we can’t count. But…every voice matters, and I kind of want to do that.” Taehyun blushes slightly.

“Yea, yea, let’s do it!!!!” Soobin grabs ahold of Huening Kai and swings him back and forth.

“Gah! Hyung, let me go!!”

==========

Even though the boys are trying to leave you and Yeonjun alone to rest, they’re doing a poor job at it. You’ve been trying to fall asleep, but with their loud voices, it’s nearly impossible. However, you can’t help but find it endearing, disliking them is even more impossible.

You’ve been sitting by Yeonjun’s bed, having changed out of your patient uniform and into clothes that Soobin rushed to buy just for you. Yeonjun has been sleeping since he was showing signs of a fever. The entire time, he wouldn’t let go of your hand, and you’ve been holding it since.

When you look at him, Yeonjun has been awake for a while, but you don’t know when he woke up. He’s on his phone, scrolling through his feed.

“Oh, you’re not sleeping?”

He shakes his head. “How am I supposed to sleep with all the ruckus?”

You snicker. “True. I’m sure they’re just worried.”

“Yea, and I feel bad.”

“Hey, no need to feel bad,” You hold onto his hand tighter.

He gazes at you with gentle eyes, brushing your hair behind your ears. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m better than ever.”

“No fever?”

Yeonjun presses his knuckles against your forehead. As he leans a little closer, it makes you timid with how intense his stare is. It’s too much that you had to pull yourself away.

“How are you feeling?” You avert your eyes, scratching your forehead.

“Well…I’m dying.”

“What?! Wh-what should I do? Ah…we have to go to the hospital. Where’s my phone???”

“I’m dying of embarrassment. I can’t believe I broke down in front of you again.”

You’re still before it finally hits you that it was somewhat of a joke. “Jesus Christ, Yeonjun! You scared me!”

“Seriously! My pride’s been ruined, and now I don’t think I can ever recover. I vowed that I would never appear weak in front of you again.”

You chuckle. “What’s wrong with that? We’re all human.”

“Yea but…it makes it seem needy. I want to be able to take care of you too.”

“You’ve done enough for me too.”

“Going to the store with you doesn’t count.”

“It counts to me!”

“No,” he sets his phone down, cupping your cheek so you can look at him.

With that brief eye contact, it’s already enough to make you all worked up. Your heartbeat becomes rapid, and your anxiousness has risen. You try to turn away, but he doesn’t allow you to do so, turning your head back to him.

“I’m going to prove that I’m not who the media thinks I am, some innocent boy. Don’t forget that I’m twenty-one. There are things that I crave too, you know?”

“L-like what?”

Take smirks. “Take a guess.”

He brings his face closer to yours. You flinch, but you don’t fight it. Your face turns as red as a tomato, so embarrassed that you can’t look at him in the face. He loves seeing you flustered because, for once, it seems like you’re able to see him as a man, not a child.

“Yeonjun…the boys are in the living room. We…we shouldn’t…”

“Let them catch us.”

“Wh-what??”

“If you’re so worried about them, then I’ll stop.”

But you’re hesitant, clearly expressing that you don’t want to turn him down. It makes Yeonjun smirk.

“They already know that I called dibs on you a long time ago.”

“L-long time ago?!” You give him a surprised look. “Since when—”

And without warning, Yeonjun presses his lips against yours. His eyes are closed, the soft sensation of his lips create fireworks in your chest. There’s no gap in between, your face brushed against his, and while he’s breathing steadily, you hold your breath.

He pulls back slowly, almost wanting to go again but stopping before he can’t control himself. Your entire face has burned up so much that he could’ve sworn he saw steam coming out of your ears. He laughs, finding you absolutely adorable.

“I’ll give my everything to the media, our real fans, and especially you, what I’m made of. I can promise you that.”

It’s been so long since you last saw confidence in his eyes. In fact, you don’t ever recall seeing him as confident as this. He always pulled through challenges with a wink of doubt, never none. As flustered as you are with this sudden kiss, you’re nevertheless happy that he’s found his footing again.

“(Y/N), and I’ll make sure that everybody knows that I like—”

“MANAGER! I’M GOING TO SAVE YOU!!”

Beomgyu’s abrupt shouting startles both you and Yeonjun as he tries to unlock the door. You two can hear Soobin and Huening Kai struggle to get him off the door as the knob twists side to side.

“Is he hurting you!? He is, isn’t he?! I always knew Hyung was a fox in sheep’s clothing!!”

“It’s wolf, not fox!!” Soobin corrects him.

You and Yeonjun look at each other with confused looks, but then it turns into sweet laughter.

You don’t know what the future holds for you and the five boys. This isn’t going to be the last time people will send hate toward them. It hasn’t been long since their debut, so they have a long way before they can show how strong they are. Regardless, each obstacle is a test for them to fight back against those who try to pull them down.

The future may be foggy, but there’s a purpose with why you became their manager. You and the boys have come together with the same dream of touching the hearts of many, reaching for a better tomorrow. They may have their ups and downs, but it’s these flaws that they’ll learn to grow and become a better and more confident version of themselves. They don’t know when the day will come, but for now, they’ll enjoy their journey.

[End]

[fics-not-tragedies]

In a week: Chapter 12 🌲

Words:  1972; Warnings: none, unless you want a warning for drinking alcohol, then you have it; Summary: Andrew and Flo have a lovely dinner together.

Hozier tag list:

@letoursilencebreaktonight​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @angelpeachamber​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @sgt-morgan​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​; @julessbrown​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​;

Monday, 9:30pm

When she opened the door, it took a second for him to focus properly on her features, everything a little blurry with panic, but when he finally did, Andrew almost choked on the breath he was holding. His eyes softened instantly at her, weak beyond explanation, wanting nothing more than to back her against the wall and make her moan for him. She looked like Flo, his Flo, but there was something even more irresistible about her now. The fullness of her lips, the way the satin fabric draped over her body and hugged her, her straight straw hair falling down her back so stark against her pale skin, the way she held herself. He felt his lip trembling, her sharp green eyes begging for his to meet them and when he did, he sighed audibly, then clutched his heart in a dramatic fashion as if he was aching over how good she looked.

“Bloody hell, love…” he moaned, “made me heart stop. Might actually be dead right now.”

“Woodland creatures don’t die, Andy” she laughed instantly, relieved that he had spoken first, his dramatics making her cheeks flush despite the makeup. But it wasn’t just that. She wanted him so badly that it was embarrassing. His hair was slightly more tamed, those luscious curls making him look like a tall cupid, his beard looked more neat now, his lips teasing her with their ever wild smirk. His whole body was tense.

“I mean it” he drawled, “You look, oh fuck, Flo… I, em, I don’t have any words.”

“When you think of some, let me know…” she grinned, stepping close to him to close the door behind her. With her this close to him again, his fingers twitched with a need to grab and hold her hips, to show her just how incredible she really did look.

“I’ll do my best…” he croaked, scratching his neck with his index finger to keep his hands occupied. He licked his lip slowly, not even sure of how long he could keep doing this to himself, her closeness agonizing, the aroma of her perfume hitting him so hard he almost lost his balance.

Flo was drinking him in too, wanting to press her hands and dig her nails into his chest, losing herself in the idea of having him at last, but then the door clicked behind her and they both flinched, broken out of their daze.

“We should go eat…” she said slowly, a fact rather than suggestion.

“Yes, y-yes” he nodded, knowing she was right, taking a step or two back from her so that he could offer his arm, “Let’s go then” she laughed quietly, but took it without second guessing, his little pat on her hand making her stomach flip.

Monday, 9:40pm

For the entire duration of their journey from the second floor to the restaurant, Flo and Andy were quiet, observing each other whenever the other wasn’t looking. But as they entered the restaurant, they were flooded with various scents from the kitchen, which momentarily replaced the hunger they had for each other.

“I am so hungry” Flo groaned, breaking the silence, squeezing Andrew’s arm whenever a waiter carried something delicious-looking past them, the steam rising from the dish wafting in their direction.

“You’re always hungry, love” he chuckled, as they headed further in.

The lady who greeted them was a middle-aged woman with a beaming smile and her blonde hair in a perm. She had a voice that sounded genuinely cheerful, not at all forced, and she looked up as they stopped before her.

“Hello, lovely couple” she sang, “You’re both looking wonderful tonight, do you have a booking?”

“Oh, we’re not a-” Flo began.

“Yes, we’re, em, only friends” Andrew nodded, cutting her off to reassure her that he knew. Flo turned and looked at him for longer than she should’ve, a thankful smile plastered on her face. She knew he was just trying to remind her that he was aware of his place and the gravity of their situation, but there was also something ridiculous about him referring to them as ‘only friends’ out loud.

“Oh, do forgive me” the woman responded and they both turned sharply back to her. “You just look so wonderful together.”

“We’re under my name” he coughed immediately, trying to diffuse the tension, “Byrne.”

She marched them to their table, their arms still linked, Flo swaying against his side comfortably. Their table was a quiet one by the window, with a perfect view of the city by night and in the distance they could both just about make out the hill they’d been sat on earlier that day. Andrew had requested this table specifically, wanting to compare the gorgeousness of the night skyline next to her, knowing that no view would ever compare - not that Flo had to know that. There was a candle lit in the centre, a pristine table cloth underneath it and more cutlery on one table than Flo had ever seen in her life. Andrew insisted on pulling out Flo’s chair himself and she thanked him for it with her eyes, completely melted by how soft he was in that moment.

“Jack will be over shortly with the menus, but can I get you both something to drink first?”

“A Malibu, please…” Flo and Andrew stated at the same time, sharing a knowing smile.

“Very well.”

Neither of them noticed the woman leave. Andrew was busy watching her fuss with her dress. Flo observed his hands smoothing over the white table cloth.

“I like your dress” he announced after a breathless moment.

“Thank you. I like your…” Flo looked up and searched for a word to sum it all up, how incredibly attracted she was to him right now. Then he tilted his head in expectation and she almost lost all her control over the way his neck stretched, “Uhm - I like your… face.”

“Thanks” a little giggle left his mouth.

Monday, 9:45pm

The waiter, Jack, arrived promptly, bringing with him two menus and their drinks. He was a similar age to the pair of them and had an air of youth in his kind eyes, a bronzed skin tone and his hair was styled perfectly. He was broad, with arms fighting against the fabric of his shirt and when he handed Flo her menu, he did a double take, obviously noticing her in a more than professional manner. Flo barely saw the lustful way Jack was looking at her but Andrew did, already willing to fight him for her attention. He coughed, then began speaking with lines from a rehearsed script.

“Good evening, my name is Jack and I’ll be serving you tonight. I’ll give you a bit of time to look over the menus and will be back in a little while to take your order. Please, let me know if there’s anything I can get you.” They both thanked him and with a subtle glare of warning from Andrew, then a polite smile from Flo, he shuffled away again.

“What are you, em, thinking?” Andrew asked almost immediately, his eyes wide with lust over the top of the leather bound menu.

“Oh, I can never decide” Flo sighed, tucking her hair behind her ear as she gnawed at her bottom lip, “I’ve got eyes bigger than my stomach.”

“Oh me too” Andrew replied, taking a sip from his Malibu and enjoying the relief of alcohol to soothe his building frustration, “But, when it comes to sugar I really can’t resist.”

“You’re a dessert person?” She asked, flicking her brows up. There was something so enjoyable about earning from each other, gathering new facts to store away for future reference.

“Oh, yes!” He exclaimed, licking his lips in excitement, “You are what you eat.”

“Hm?”

“Because… I’m incredibly sweet?”

Flo knotted her eyebrows together as she laughed, tipping her head back slightly then found her drink to take a sip, delighted by the taste.

“You’re such a dork.”

“Well, em, you didn’t disagree with me tho.”

Monday, 9:50pm

Jack returned to take their orders and Andrew found it even harder not to react at the way he gawked at Flo when she spoke. He was clearly nervous even talking to her, failing to get his first question out properly.

“What can I give - uh get you to start?”

“Soup, please….” Flo replied cheerily, her head still in the menu, looking up and blinking at the man, waiting for his next question.

“Yeah, me too. Whatever the lady’s having.”

“And then I’ll have the pasta, please. That penne sounds lovely!” Flo closed her menu, patted it with her hand then took another sip from her drink.

“And for you, sir?”

“For me.. em, steak, please, Jack. Medium-rare” Andrew handed his menu back and then Jack, was gone again.

Andrew looked at Flo, glass in hand stamped with her lipstick stain, staring out at the city with wide eyes. The light shone back at her and illuminated her face, the glow of her cheekbones making her seem ethereal and delicate.

“I think the waiter likes you… quite much…” Andrew laughed nervously. Flo shrugged dismissively, too focused on trying to make out shapes in the sky to respond, “He was staring at you, Flo” he continued, the outrageous jealousy lining his stomach failing to settle “…staring at you.”

“Okay, Andrew” she sighed, turning back to him, her features soft and calm. She had an air of being unfazed by it and Andrew’s insecurity told him he made a fool of himself by overreacting. He swallowed, his mouth dry and tried to keep himself from slamming his hand on the table by taking a huge gulp of his glass. He couldn’t help but be fixated on the fact that he couldn’t do anything about other guys looking at her. The truth of it killed him, but she simply wasn’t his to fight over.

Monday, 10:05pm

By the time their first course arrived, both Flo and Andy were ready for more drinks. Flo requested a large glass of moet and Andrew settled for something stronger, their smoothest whiskey. The soup was a pale green-yellow colour, styled with cream and a handful of croutons, topped with a flower as decoration. There was a selection of rolls and butter too and the scent of fresh bread made Flo roll her eyes in pleasure.

“Flowery food, em, well flowers are too pretty to be eaten” Andrew grumbled, picking the flower off between his finger and thumb and wiping it on his side plate.

“What’s wrong with flowers?” Flo chuckled, amused by how childish his actions were.

“I like flowers, but not as food”

“What flavor is it?” She asked, realizing she hadn’t even checked, lifting her soup spoon to her mouth hopefully.

“I have no idea, you’ve chosen it and I just copied you.”

“It tastes like broccoli” she nodded, licking her lips. Andrew took his own mouthful and nodded back in agreement. Flo watched him lick his lips as he brought his roll to them, chewing it with passion, “Have you ever bought flowers?” She asked in the next quiet moment, returning to the previous conversation out of curiosity.

“For a girl?”

“No for your mates…” she joked.

“Yes, I have. I have even handpicked few myself” he mumbled, eating between words. There was another pause. Flo ate, Andrew ate.

“Would you buy me flowers, Andrew?” She asked, a feeble attempt at flirting but one he picked up on straight away. Flo noticed how sheer his shirt was under the light above them, fixated on his chest rising and falling rapidly. He finished the droplets of his Malibu, raked a hand through his hair then replied.

“Naw, I’d grow them for you in my garden.”

[toloveawarlord]

Shattered Glass (Ch.2)

You can find all my other works here!

My eye twitched in irritation. It’s been 14 days since Edgar’s unexpected arrival into my life and he continued to push his way into every aspect. The first day he had obliged to my request to stay at the apartment until I had gotten off work for the night. Every other day since he has found his way to where I am, whether it’s my workplace or any place I meet my friends for meals on our mutual days off. Today turned out to be no different.

He leaned against the counter, giving that charming smile to my co-worker who ate it up. “Have you known Nova long?” Edgar asked, having the complete attention of Marie. She had yet to move an inch since his arrival, leaving me to deal with the customers and clean tables.

Marie bobbed her head in response. “Oh yes, she and I both began working here around the same time. We even trained together,” Marie answered, twisting her finger around a strand of her black hair. She refused to take her eyes off him but asked me, “It’s been over a year now, hasn’t it? You never mentioned you had such a lovely boyfriend.”

I froze mid-motion to count out the change for the customer waiting in front of me. “He’s not my boyfriend!” I said, sending a glare at Edgar. He’s enjoying this. “He and my brother, Luka, were high school friends and he works with my eldest brother. Right now, he’s just being nosy.” It hadn’t mattered how many times I begged him to wait at the apartment, he still showed up claiming that he was bored.

Edgar remained unfazed by my words, but his green eyes were sparkling with amusement. “Is it a crime to be worried about a young lady that is practically my little sister as well?” he asked.

Thanking the customer for their business with a smile, I sighed the moment they were out of sight. “If you’re going to bother me at work, at least order something.”

Marie jumped on the opportunity to make him some tea. Her bubbly attitude with him scratched at my mind. She hardly knows when to leave someone alone. I rounded the corner of the main counter with a wet cloth in hand. This was supposed to be Marie’s job, since I was running the register but clearly, she had the most annoying customer to attend to.

It was nice to have room to breathe, since Edgar hadn’t followed me from his spot at the counter, giving me the freedom to collect my thoughts. In this short amount of time, he had adapted to the world quite well. It had taken me a solid three months to understand how the town functioned without magic. Being away from Cradle had terrified me, yet Edgar had the same calm smile and demeanor as he always had.

He could at least be a little wary about this world.

We had yet to talk about my family either. He hadn’t brought up the subject and I hadn’t the courage to ask about either of my brothers. There were no doubts that they were both perfectly fine and healthy. The main question was how they were doing without me around. I had a million questions to ask him, but none came out. What right do I have? I chose to run away and stay here indefinitely.

My shift ended without much incident. Edgar hung around the entire day, sipping the free tea that Marie insisted he accept. He chatted with her kindly, though his watchful eyes followed me as I avoided him. It didn’t strike me as odd until an hour later.

He had been sitting quietly on the sofa while I made us something to eat. Stirring the noodles around in the pot, my whole body jerked in surprise when a book was plopped down onto the counter beside me. Getting a better look, I noted that it was indeed my journal… that was locked in a box under my bed. “What the hell, Edgar! You’re going through my things now?”

“You surely weren’t going to tell me what I need to know,” Edgar answered, tapping his fingers on top of the leather. He gently pulled the pages back, opening it to a specific page. “The first few were typical, but this one really caught my attention. Who is that you’re referencing?”

 Jonah,

It’s been three months since I ran away from Cradle to the Land of Reason. It’s not any easier. I miss everything about our world. Science is complicated here. The few valuables that I took were enough to pay for a place to stay, but it won’t last. I’ll have to get a real job. What I wouldn’t give to hear you lecture me about something trivial. I’m afraid that one day I’ll forget what your voice sounds like. That thought terrifies me. But all of this is my own fault, for thinking that I could have everything I wanted. I’m not strong like you and Luka. I can’t face what I’ve done… What I made him do for me. There’s no ending where I can fix this and the Clemence family comes out unscathed. I wouldn’t be able to bear it if my actions caused problems for you. I guess, this is my own way of trying to protect you.

I’m sorry.

And… I wish that I could tell him that I’m sorry too, but I doubt it would soothe his guilt. I really messed things up.

Nova

Scanning over the words that were engraved into my memory, I swallowed down the lump in my throat. The two entries before this were just apologies, over and over. It wasn’t until the end of the third month that I could bring myself to mention my transgressions.

Coming out of the haze of my memory, I finally realized what it was about his behavior today that was bothering me. Coming to my work, keeping a close eye on me, going through my personal belongings. This is beginning to seem like an investigation. “Why did King Lancelot send you to find me? I want a real answer,” I said, searching his eyes for it.

Being the master at disguising his true intentions, Edgar shrugged his shoulders. “Seems like we are both full of secrets.”

“Kyle. I was talking about Kyle.”

“I see.” Edgar leaned back against the counter, watching each move I made as I continued to make the pasta. His silence was unnerving. “King Lancelot is worried about you.”

With a scoff, I rolled my eyes. “You expect me to believe that excuse?” Surely, he could come up with something better than that.

“What would you like to hear then?”

“The truth, Edgar!” I snapped.

A heavy silence fell over us. The bubbling of the sauce of the stove filled the space between us. He had always been like this. Hiding the truth behind lies. I squeezed the handle of the ladle, frustration building up inside. “You’re here to investigate me, aren’t you? That’s the only reason you’re here.”

“Nova-”

Jerking the journal out of his hands, I glared up at him. “I’m not going back.” I wouldn’t admit how much it hurt me to find out that he had only come because of an investigation. The reality of someone coming to look for me had been in the back of my mind, but not this way.

Edgar’s hand latched around my upper arm. “Nova, don’t act any more rashly than you already have,” he said, easily overpowering my attempt to pull free. His warm tone didn’t match the accusatory words.

It struck me that he was trying to keep me close to him. The month was half over. The full moon would be here soon. My body stilled, and I could only stare at the floor. “There is no option where I can stay here, is there? I never had a choice.”

“I was hoping to convince you to return of your own volition, but I have orders to bring you back to Cradle,” Edgar explained, loosening his tight grip.

“Against my will?”

“Yes.”

Finding the courage to face him, I clutched my journal tightly to my chest. “Then why all the questions? Don’t you already know everything?” He’s going to take me back to Cradle so that I can be tried and convicted.

A soft smile touched his lips. “I’ve been tasked with finding out the truth, Nova. The only thing that we do know, at this point, is that your ex-fiancé went missing and the family received a letter last month stating that you were involved. King Lancelot was forced to open an investigation, per request of your grandfather. I thought it best to get the answers from the source,” Edgar said. He released me entirely, sure that I would bolt for the door at the moment.

If that were true, then Kyle would know that the investigation was happening. Why wouldn’t he tell them? He had been so angry with me when it happened. That had been the final wedge between us, setting the two of us down different paths. “Does Jonah know?”

“He is aware of King Lancelot opening up an investigation, but he does not know that I came to the Land of Reason to find you. There was a small chance that I couldn’t find you.” He said it, but I doubted that he meant it.

The conversation ended there. He had made it clear that he would not relent in watching me and that he would drag me back to Cradle if he had to. I made my peace with that. It had been over 2 years and my sins had finally caught up with me. My last two weeks in my false reality came to a quick end.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally added a second chapter to this story! I’ve had bits and pieces scribbled on paper that I found at work and finally got it all put together! For a moment, I thought Nova might have feelings for Edgar but she does not. Besides Kyle, the only other one she had any feelings for was Lancelot. Jonah talks about him a lot, so she has an infatuation with him, though it would never go anywhere.

[parkersharthook]

YouTuber Au

(Lucas Friar x Maya Hart)

Warnings: cheesy fluff

3.7k+ words

Maya is a famous youtuber, and this is her boyfriend tag video. Told from the perspective of the viewer.

“Hey guys it’s Maya and welcome back to my channel! Before I introduce someone special and start this video I just want to say that we reached 15 million! Yayyy go us and I love every single one of my hartists out there. I’m going to have a special video up on Friday celebrating 15 mil with some special merchandise drop and some other surprises!” Maya waved her hands excitedly. “But along with that Friday video I will have the regular Sunday one so this is a not-gonna-happen-a-lot­-two-video-a-week thing. So stay tuned. Also, last week’s video where me and my friend Riley do the duct tape and the best friend tag in one just beat our record of 20 million views with 25 million views! I love you guys so much and remember keep being creative and keep being you.”

“Should I come in now?” Lucas’s voice said off camera.

Maya laughed and held up a finger, “Okay and now onto this video! I have gotten a lot of requests and comments saying I should do this so here I am… it’s the boyfriend tag! You have probably seen my boyfriend in the back of some of my videos but now here he is.” Maya waved her hand motioning for Lucas to come into frame and he fell onto the couch next to her. He was relaxed on the couch with his arm lazily over the back while Maya sat forward. She placed a hand on Lucas’s knee, “This is my boyfriend Lucas.”

He lifted a hand in greeting. Maya scoffed and pulled him into a sitting position by his jacket collar, “You aren’t in the light and please act somewhat excited.”

He adjusted his hoodie and lightly swatted her hand away, “I’m excited.”

Maya narrowed her eyes slightly but just nodded and look back towards the camera. “Okay but this isn’t just a normal boyfriend tag this is the extreme boyfriend tag! We have 30 questions and for every five questions he gets wrong, Lucas has to take a shot of something gross.”

He groaned in the background, “I didn’t know that! I wouldn’t have done it if I did.”

She patted his knee in fake sympathy, “that’s why I didn’t tell you. Okay so for the first five he’ll have to take a shot of lemon juice and then ketchup and then soy sauce and then fish sauce and then buttermilk and then if he gets all of them wrong he’ll have to drink all of it combined. How exciting!”

“I’m really not looking forward to this anymore.” Lucas groaned as he dropped his face into his hands. Maya ran a hand through his hair and quickly kissed the side of his head before pulling out her phone.

“So I asked all of my hartists out there to send in questions and I’ve chosen my favorite 30 so let’s get down to business. Okay first off an easy one, when and where did we meet?”

“We met when I was a transfer student in seventh grade. I had just moved from Texas and this short little blonde comes up to me in the subway and is hitting on me and then dating me and then breaking up with me in a span of five seconds.”

Maya held up her finger and pursed her lips slightly, “That’s not exactly how it goes. I was trying to prove a point to Riley that you can’t just wait for some guy to talk to you, you can make the first move. And that goes out to all my ladies out there because you don’t need to wait for a man, if you want it you can take it.”

“But I got it right?” Lucas said with an eyebrow raised.

Maya grumbled, “yes you got it right okay moving on. How long have we been dating?”

“We started dating around Halloween of senior year so like two and half years?”

Maya nodded, “yeah I would say that’s a good estimate.” She scrolled through her phone slightly, “Where was our first date?”

“We went to see a horror movie and then to pizza.” Lucas said with a smile.

“That was still my favorite horror movie I’ve seen. Though It was pretty good. Where and when was our first kiss?”

“It was in December a few months after we started dating and I had just found out my grandfather had died and I showed up at your window at liked 2 am and of course you were up painting and so you opened the window and pulled me inside. And then you kissed me.”

“That I did. See girls? You don’t have to wait for them to make the first move.”

Lucas nodded and kissed her, “Thanks for not waiting. What’s next?”

“When is my birthday?”

“Easy. January 15th.”

“What color are my eyes?” Maya instantly dropped her phone onto her lap and covered her eyes with her hands.

“Blue.” Lucas answered without missing a beat, “There a light almost icy blue and they’re gorgeous.”

“Aww thanks babe. Yours are okay.” Lucas dropped his head in a chuckle but picked it up when Maya chuckled darkly, looking at the next question.

“Where was I born?”

“Crap. Okay so I know you grew up in the Bronx so… the Bronx?”

Maya bit her lip slightly and shook her head, “Nope. I was born in Brooklyn in the back seat of a taxi.”

“You were?” Lucas said with a slight horrified expression. Maya just nodded with a cheeky smile and flashed a big thumbs up.

“Which food do I hate? Wait… that’s too easy. Name five.”

Lucas held up a finger, “Mayo.” Maya nodded and he picked up another, “Cauliflower.” Another nod, “Squash?”

Maya shook her head as she gasped, “No! I love squash.

“What food do you not like? You eat everything!”

“Sour cream, cottage cheese, and radishes. Those foods deserve to die in hell. Ok, when and where did you meet my parents?” Maya propped her head on her hand and looked at him.

“I met your mom when she came in for career day. I met Kermit when he came to New York for the forgiveness project and I met Shawn on your birthday.”

“What about when we were officially dating?”

“Well I saw your mom a lot because she worked at Topanga’s but they formally invited me to dinner with them one night and I think Shawn wanted to kill me.”

Maya laughed and nodded, “yeah I think so too.” She glanced back down to her phone, “Ooh a hard one! What’s my shoe size?”

“What?! How am I supposed to know that? I don’t even know woman’s shoe sizes. Um… an 8?” Maya huffed and threw her phone to the side.

“You got it.” She said dejectedly.

Lucas smiled brightly, “Really?” Maya just nodded causing him to laugh.

“Moving on, moving on. What am I good at?”

“Kissing.” Maya slapped him on the chest lightly, “Okay. Obviously art. I mean y’all have seen it.” He gestured to the camera, “She’s fucking fantastic!” Quickly he covered his mouth and looked to Maya, “Can I curse?” Maya snorted in laughter and nodded her head, “She’s fucking fantastic!”

“Thanks huckleberry. Now the opposite. What am I really bad at?”

Lucas thought for a moment before lighting up, “cooking. You are terrible at cooking. One time when she was just trying to make pasta and she almost lit our apartment on fire.” Maya cringed and nodded as she scratched her face.

“Yeah… that’s not my specialty. Luckily I’m dating someone who can cook. Okay, which sport is my favorite?”

Lucas smirked and obnoxiously popped his collar, “Baseball because that’s what I play.”

“Lol nope!” Maya laugh drawling out the nope, “basketball because it’s not boring as fuck!” Lucas pouted and Maya just patted his cheek. “What film always makes me cry?”

Lucas narrowed his eyes at her, “That’s a trick question. Movies don’t make you cry.”

Maya shrugged and nodded at the camera, “It’s true. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I do not cry at the movies. Where would I love to travel?”

“You want to visit everywhere, you dream of travelling the world.”

“More specific.” Maya teased.

“Iceland.” Maya nodded and scrolled through her phone once more.

“If I could live anywhere, where would I live?”

“I feel like you wouldn’t move. You love New York.”

Maya hummed and shook her head in thought, “I do love New York but if I could I would probably live in Italy. I mean their food ohhh and their art! What weird talent do I have?”

Lucas took a minute to think about it, “I mean I don’t know if this is necessarily weird but it sure is impressive. You can bullshit a five page essay in like an hour and still get a perfect score. I just don’t see how it’s possible.” Maya held her hands beneath her face and tilted her head.

“I love putting myself in those shitty situations and then doing the bare minimum.” Maya said sarcastically. Her thumb swiped across the screen and momentarily paused before her eyes widened and she kept scrolling.

“Hey I saw that! Why did you skip it? What was the question?” Maya rolled her eyes and furthered herself from him.

“Nothing ranger rick… just a stupid question.” Lucas looked at her before lunging for her phone. She quickly straightened her arm, holding her phone away from him but due to his much longer arms he quickly snatched the phone from her hand and fell to the other side as he read the question. Maya threw herself over him trying to grab her phone back but failed.

“It says here ‘what is my nickname?’” He smugly looked towards her, “Why don’t you tell me Maya what is your nickname?”

She pushed off him and pointed a threatening finger towards him, “Quit it huckleberry!”

He sat up and smiled largely as he looked between Maya and the camera, “Well I call her Shortstack for obvious reasons and I also call her pancakes. Care to say why I call you that Maya?” Maya made eye contact and stared deeply at Lucas.

She huffed and slouched forward, “because I’m a shortstack of pancakes.”

Lucas laughed but leaned towards her, one hand cupping his ear. “What did you say?”

Maya stifled a laugh and shook her head at him, “Because I’m a shortstack of pancakes.” Her tone was a little louder but was filled with nothing but teasing love.

“Ah but there’s one more nickname I call you.” Lucas said in a sing song voice. “I also call you Penelope. And Hart sometimes.”

Maya groaned and flopped back on the couch, “Happy now?”

Lucas smiled giddily, “Yeah… get going this is getting fun.”

“Ok, but that might not even make it in the video because I’m the editor so don’t get too cocky… what kind of films do I like?”

“You love horror and comedy movies.”

“Bonus questions! What type of movie do I hate?”

“You really don’t like romance movies.”

“Except….” Maya continued on.

“Except for when you watch them with Riley and Zay.”

“Ok, here’s another easy one. Who’s my best friend?”

Lucas nodded and took her hand, “Well I would love to say Lucas but I know it’s Riley.”

Maya nodded and turned to the camera, “Yes and I do this every time she comes up because she’s my best friend but go follow her because she’s a beauty and photography blogger on YouTube. You can follow her @smileyriley.”

“Stop promoting her and keep going.” Lucas said while playing with her fingers.

“Where did we go on our first trip together?”

“Well we went on multiple field trips together during our high school days and of course there as the ski lodge but our first couple trip was when we went to Florida with Riley, Farkle, Zay, and Isadora.”

Maya nodded with a smile, “We went to Disney World. That was a good trip. Okay, how do I drink my coffee?”

“You have two moods. When you need to get shit done you order a straight black and when you just want coffee because you like it you get an iced coffee.”

Maya shook her head in disbelief, “You know me too well.” Lucas pulled her towards him and pressed a smiley kiss against her lips. She pulled away, “What’s my favorite video game?”

“You like the assassin’s creed series.” Lucas answered as he leaned back into the couch.

“Yeah I did.” Maya said, throwing her legs over his lap, “But my favorite is Call of Duty Black Ops or World War II. Probably because me and Zay played it all the time. Next question, what’s my favorite clothing item and what’s your favorite clothing item of mine?”

“You love your leather jackets especially the one Shawn gave you a while ago. And what’s my favorite clothing item of yours? I really like that red dress you have.”

“That red dress I have?” Maya asked with a laugh, “Lucas honey… I have a lot of red dresses. You might need to be more specific.”

Lucas sputtered slightly, “I don’t know. It goes all the way up to your neck and you typically wear those black boots that go all the way to your knee.”

“Oh.” Maya looked through her phone for a minute before showing him a picture, “this one?” Lucas nodded, “Good choice because I like that one too. This is the one he’s talking about.” She pointed the left corner of her screen and a picture of her wearing a bodycon velvet dress with over the knee black boots popped up. Her hair was pulled back and a leather jacket was held between her fingers. She looked stunning. “Okay moving on, am I a morning or an evening person?”

Lucas laughed as he threw his head back and clapped a few times, “How is that even a question? I wouldn’t dare and nor do I advise anyone to mess with you any time before 11 am. No, you are definitely a night person.” He answered as he rubbed her thighs.

“Okay I don’t know how many we’ve done but imma keep going. What was my first job?”

Lucas’s eyes widened, “Crap. I don’t know this.”

“I’ll give you two guesses.”

“Was it some fast food place?” Maya shook her head, “I don’t know. A dog walker?”

Maya laughed and shook her head, “No I taught guitar and art at a community center.”

“Wouldn’t that be volunteering?” Lucas asked.

“Not when they pay you.” Lucas laughed at her response, “What was my least and favorite subject in school?”

“History and art were definitely your favorites and you didn’t like math.”

“You got the favorites correct but while I didn’t like math I hated science even more. So you were wrong. What is one thing I love doing but most people don’t?”

Lucas laughed slightly and shook his head, “Ok so you love like breaking your makeup and then mixing it together.”

Maya laughed and nodded before holding up her hand, “Let me explain. I have a weird shade where I’m pale but I’m not typically as pale as the makeup is so I have to blend together a color that’s too pale and a color that’s too dark to make the perfect mix for my complexion. I know a lot of girls frown upon that but I really enjoy doing it.”

“Well you look great.” Lucas said earning a smile from Maya, “it would be a shame if someone ruined it.” Before Maya could do anything Lucas cupped her neck and pulled her face towards him as he licked her cheek. Maya groaned and aggressively rubbed her cheek.

“Ew, that’s nasty. Ugh you’re the worst which is why I’m asking you this. What’s our song?”

Lucas frowned and turned to the camera to explain, “This causes a lot of controversy in our relationship because I think it’s Your Man by Josh Turner because I sang it to her one time.”

Maya leaned more towards the camera to state her case, “I thinks it’s Humble by Kendrick Lamar because not only was I listening to it when you came to my window the night of our first kiss but it was also playing in Topanga’s when you asked me out.”

Lucas just stuck his tongue playfully out at her before smiling largely, “Why don’t we ask your followers. Please comment below if you think Your Man or Humble should be our song?”

“Wow, those are two really different songs.” Maya laughed at herself, “Okay last question. What TV show do I love that you hate?”

“So Maya watches this show called Big Brother that I’m positive a large portion of you guys watch to but I just don’t see the appeal of it. It’s too much drama.”

“The drama is the best part!” Maya yelled, “Also he doesn’t appreciate Avatar: The Last Airbender like he should.”

“Okay that one comes with reason. It’s about a bald kid that can bend the four elements? That’s so stupid.”

Maya shot up, “It is a quality TV show that deserves the love and support of all. I watched that show throughout my entire childhood and it was the best thing.” Lucas just reached up and pulled her down onto her lap.

“What happens now? You said that was our last question.”

Maya perked up as she smiled at the camera, “Wellll, you got seven questions wrong which means you have to take a shot of ketchup.” Lucas cringed as Maya got off his lap. Due to editing it quickly switched to Lucas sitting at the edge of the couch with Maya beside him and the shot of ketchup on the table in front of them. “Drink up.”

Lucas didn’t hesitate as he grabbed the glass and knocked it back. It slowly crept out of the glass and into his throat, causing him to gag. Maya covered her mouth with her hands as she laughed. Lucas groaned and quickly grabbed the glass of water and drank from it.

“Well I drank it all.” Lucas said with a frown.

“Good job, I’m proud of you.” Maya said before turning to the camera with a clap. Okay guys that’s it for this video but stay tuned from some hilarious bloopers from this goofball to my right and myself.” The screen cut to static and then and image of Maya sitting on the couch showed up. “You ready to go?”

“Yep.” Lucas said from off camera.

“Ok and this is my boyfriend Lucas!”

Lucas suddenly slid in behind the couch on his socks before losing balance and falling directly on his butt. Maya lost it as she peered behind the couch and laughed. It switch to the next video of Maya standing up to get a blanket but tripping over the rug. Lucas reached out to try to grab her but ended up just rolling off the couch and joining her on the ground. The last clip was of when Maya got up to get the ketchup and Lucas just grabbed her hand to pull her back. But unfortunately Maya fell backwards as her arms flew about and she smacked Lucas in the face. They laughed uncontrollably.

Another static noise and image filled the screen for a few seconds before it switched back to Lucas and Maya sitting on the couch.

“Okay everyone that’s the end of my video. I hope all of you enjoyed it and I hope,” she turned to her boyfriend, “I didn’t torment you too much. Leave a comment below if you want to see another video with Lucas in it or if you don’t. Don’t forget to like and subscribe to join the family. I’m so thankful and happy that we got to 15 mil and I love every one of you, from those who were hartists from the beginning to those who joined because of this video. I have some new merchandise out and a few art kits that I just dropped on my website mayapenelope.com/merchandise. If you’re not already following me you can hit me up at any of my social medias @mayapenelope on all platform. I’m also putting the link to Lucas’s social media down in the description. Don’t forget to be creative and be you. Don’t let anyone tell you how to act or who to be. Remember to spread love not hate and to not discriminate against anyone no matter their religion, race, sexuality, or heritage. Let’s make this world a better place together guys. Alright I’ll see you on Friday with my special video for celebrating 15 million! Love you guys!” Maya kissed her palm and pressed it against the camera’s lens cueing the end of the video.

~.~

Maya sat at her desk, her laptop open in front of her and her glasses rested on her nose. She scrolled through her feed, her mouth slightly ajar.

“Hey Maya, did you get to the store?” Lucas asked as he walked into her room. She didn’t respond, let alone move her eyes from the screen. “Maya?”

“Lucas come look at this.” She waved him over excitedly and he came and stood behind her, looking at her computer over her shoulder. She pointed to all the comments that flooded her newly uploaded video. “They loved you!”

“Of course they did.” Lucas joked.

“I’m getting a ton saying ‘he’s super-hot’ and that ‘she’s super lucky’. A lot of ‘relationship goals’ and ‘they’re so cute together’.” She smiled widely, “It was uploaded less than 6 hours ago and it already has 2 million view and half a million likes. Plus over a million comments. This is fantastic!”

He rubbed her shoulders and pressed a kiss to her head, “I’m proud of you Maya.” She tilted her head up to face him.

“I’m going to need you to be in a lot more videos, they love you.” He leaned down and kissed her.

“I would love to be on the famous Maya Hart’s YouTube channel.” He kissed her again.

“Also they think Humble is our song.” Lucas groaned causing Maya to snicker as he walked out of the door and left Maya to continue to marvel at how well the video was doing.

[our-elven-lady-of-chaos]

You Are My Home Ch 3

I apologize for the delay guys.  Infinity War did a number on me, as I’m sure you all have experienced, but here’s an extra long chapter to make up for it!  Mostly domestic fluff at this point.

Need to catch up?

Ch 1: https://our-elven-lady-of-chaos.tumblr.com/post/170647725968/you-are-my-home

Ch 2: https://our-elven-lady-of-chaos.tumblr.com/post/171125860283/you-are-my-home-ch-2

A Fresh Start

Shortly after, the group says their goodbyes and return to the tower, only after Frigga admonishes both her boys to be good and look after their lady friend.  Thor blushes while Loki mumbles something unintelligible under his breath, which, judging by her laughter Lysandra probably picked up with her fey hearing.

Lys leads Loki to a room he is informed is his, and is to receive a more complete tour of the amenities the tower has to offer after dinner.  The room is sparsely decorated with black furniture with gold accents, the bedclothes a deep emerald hue.

“I did what I could here, with what Thor told me about you, but we can work on it a little more later,” Lysandra told him nervously.  She had managed alright when Thor was with them, but now that she was alone in his bedroom with him...that was another story completely.  Loki studied his new surroundings without saying much other than the occasional ‘okay’ or ‘good’, but his eyes seemed to light up when she pointed out the small bookshelf near the bed.  He immediately wrapped her in a tight hug, which was strong, but not nearly as bone crushing as those of his brother.  This was something she could get used to, or even come to enjoy.

“Thank...thank you,” Loki responded somewhat nervously, casually leaning back on his heels.  “I wasn’t expecting anyone to be so considerate when I was brought here.”

She nodded understandingly.  “I’ll show you the library later, but for now I figured I’d put a few of my favorites in here for you.”  She stood there watching him thumb through the titles on the shelf, a small smile lighting up her face at the joy she’d given him.  Pure, unbridled, child-like joy.   The Hobbit.  The Lord of the Rings.  Heart of Darkness.  Flowers for Algernon.  Till We Have Faces.  Frankenstein.  Crime and Punishment.  A handful of books of poetry from the likes of Lord Byron, Percy Shelley, and Emily Dickinson.  Mostly classics, but a handful of modern authors such as Neil Gaiman and Matt Haig as well.  She had carefully hand-crafted her selection based on what was the most interesting and what would convey the most humanity to the god as well.  She almost couldn’t believe it, that this man who was supposed to be the “monster” that terrorized New York had such a weakness for a good book.  It was sickeningly cute.

She got up to leave for a shower and allow Loki to become more acclimated to his new abode.  “If you need anything, I’m right next door, and Thor is just across from us.  It’s just the three of us on this floor, and there’s a small kitchen that I’ll show you later.”  Loki almost looked pained to see her leaving so soon, though his pride would never allow him to admit it.  It was rare that he made friends with anyone, and one that actually got along well with his brother even more scarce.  “I’ll be back later, I promise,” she assured him, reading his emotions perfectly.  Loki merely nodded. “Rest well,” he bade her, wanting to say more but uncharacteristically unable to find his words.

As soon as the door clicked shut, Thor waved her over from the lounge area across the hall.  She quickly made her way over to plop herself down on the plush orange couch across from him, casually resting her feet on the coffee table.  The God of Thunder smiled over at her as she let out a contented sigh.  

“Thorrr,”  she whined. “What did you need me for?  I’m all sweaty and gross still.” She sat up slightly to address him a little more properly.  He offered her the bag of corn chips he was currently munching on, which she politely declined.  Seeing the crumbs and bits of guacamole stuck in his beard was enough to keep her from getting mad at him for finishing nearly half of the large bowl she had made already.

“I just wanted to make sure that my little brother was adjusting properly,”  He replied between a mouthful of chips.  “And that he wasn’t upsetting you.  I know he can be…”  he scratched his beard in thought as he searched for the appropriate Midgardian term.  “A bit of an ass, as Tony would say, but once you’ve earned his respect he’s a lot more likable.  Fun, even.”

Lys nodded in understanding.  “He was fine.  A little withdrawn, but I was too when Tony first brought me on the team as something more than just his own personal healer.”

Thor smiled gently at the memory.  “Ah, yes, I remember.  I was rather shocked to see you again after all this time, but pleased.  And yet, I feel we’ve still got a lot of catching up to do.  Just the three of us.”

Lysandra let out a heavy sigh at the idea.  Digging up the past was emotionally exhausting, especially when it meant either coming to terms with her fey heritage, or the memory of all the mortal lives that had gone by while she remained yet unchanged.  She reluctantly pulled herself up off of the overstuffed sofa, but paused on her way out to pose one more question.

“I’ve been given an awful lot of warnings about your brother’s behavior, but he’s been on nothing but his best behavior ever since I’ve met him.  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to believe about him.  Is this normal, or…?”

Thor chuckled.  “Ah, yes, my brother can be quite the mystery, especially with the women he fancies.  He is renown for his mischievous ways, but the vast majority of the time it is all in the name of a good joke.  He is not an inherently cruel person, unless he is pushed to be so.”  He strokes his beard wistfully, lost in the memories for a moment.  “As he once told me, ‘He will treat you as a gentleman ought to, until you ask him not to.”

Lysandra snorted.  “Sounds like quite the character.  I bet once they get over sniping over each other like children, him and Tony will be great friends.”  Thor lets out a great boom of laughter in agreement.  “Indeed.  Go on, shower up, though I can assure you that you smell perfectly fine,” he chides her.  He was so the overly protective but goofy older brother she never knew she wanted.  

“Stinky Asgardian warrior.”  She sticks out her tongue at him.

“Prissy fae princess.” Thor laughs.

Dinner was to be just a quiet affair between Lysandra and the two Asgardians.  After finishing with her shower, Lysandra took control of the kitchen and began cooking up a storm.  She wanted to ensure that Loki’s first real taste of Midgardian cuisine was at least decent, and not whatever takeout Tony usually settled on.  It had to be a good old fashioned home cooked meal, so she settled for a basic pasta dish with both a red and pesto sauce, sausage and meatballs, and salad and bread on the side.  As usual, Thor made a pest of himself, wanting to sample everything while she was still preparing things rather than helping.

“Come on Lysandra!” Thor begged.  “Can’t I have just a little taste?”

She swatted his hand away with the spoon she was currently using to stir the sauce.  “You’ve done more than that already, your chin has parmesan and tomato sauce on it.”  Thor gave her his best puppy dog look. “Don’t give me that look.  Now go fetch your brother for dinner while I get this stuff on the table.”

Thor grumbled about it but did as he was told, returning relatively quickly with a Loki who was having some difficulty trying to walk and read at the same time.  You would think that after a thousand years he would have either gotten better at it or learned not to do so in unfamiliar places, but no.  At least he was virtually indestructible, the walls and countertops he had bumped into doing little to phase him from the pursuit of good reading material.  Lysandra busied herself pouring everyone a bit of elven wine as she waited for the two semi-grumpy gods to sit.  Thankfully she didn’t have to tell Loki to separate himself from his book, as he perked up a bit at the familiar scent and decided she was worth keeping an eye on.  

Lys gave Thor a nod to tell him that he could finally dig in to the food.  Loki rolled his eyes at his brother’s all too familiar antics as he helped himself to some bread and salad.  “Thor you oaf, there’s a thing here called salad that you’re supposed to eat first.  Or at least I imagine the order of the courses has not changed just because we’re on Midgard.”  Thor immediately muttered something about salad being more for prissy elves under his breath, but accepted the bowl Loki prepared for him.  Lysandra merely glared at him for the comment.

“So, what do you think?”  Lysandra asked Loki as he reached for his third serving of spaghetti and proceeded to drown it in the meaty red sauce.  She couldn’t help the blush that crept onto her face as she watched him lick a spot rather languidly from his thumb.  Loki grinned.  “Surprisingly good, for midgardian fare.  Although I’m sure your not being mortal has something to do with it.  How do you even manage to acquire elven wine in a place like this?”

She gave him an even cheekier grin in response.  “I have my sources.”  

Loki raised an eyebrow in question, silently begging her to go on.

Lysandra blushes.  “New York has a thriving magical community, if you know where to look.  There’s a lot of half-breeds and a good quarter of the population is probably more mortal than not, but I know a few people who can get me what I need.”  

Loki perks up with interest.

“I’d love to show you around sometime, since your brother isn’t nearly as interested in old tomes and rare herbs with magical properties as I am…”

“Hey!”  Thor sputters indignantly before taking a moment to mull around what was actually said.

“It’s true, brother,” Loki reminds him.  Thor shrugs nonchalantly in response.

...”But you have to prove to Tony that you can be let out of the tower with a chaperone and expected to behave first.  Sound fair?”

Loki hums in thought for a moment, then nods in approval.  “So it’s a date then?” he asks with a cheeky grin.

“What?  No, of course not!”  Lysandra sputters in surprise.  

“Still sounds like a date to me,” Thor points out, awkwardly attempting to show Loki how to do a fistbump.  “No, brother, like this.  It’s not meant to inflict pain, like a high five.”

“You’re not helping, Thor!”

Loki laughs at the absurdness of it all.

Afterwards, the pair resumed their tour.  First they went to the training room, where Lysandra explained what their typical schedule would look like while she was working with him.  Loki was pleased to find that Lysandra was well versed enough in magic to understand his capabilities and limits, just as Frigga had reassured him.  But what intrigued him most was the special locked room just for magic training.

“Once I get a feel for your style, we’re going to do most of our drills in here,” Lysandra informed him upon unlocking the door.  The room gave off a weird vibe as he stepped into it.  It wasn’t negative, though he could tell that everything in the room was heavily warded, including the training robots.  

“What’s with all the protection?” Loki asked her curiously.  

“The wards protect everything in here from being destroyed by magic, otherwise Tony would kill me for the amount of paint alone that would have to be replaced,” she responded with a chuckle.  “The robots have sensors on them that indicate the amount of damage they’ve taken, and keeps track of the number of lethal hits.”  Loki regarded the large metal men with an air of curiosity.  Out of all the Avengers, Tony was the one he was the most impressive, well, for a mortal at least.  

“This room has also been warded against teleportation, and the door won’t open for you until I’ve put your magic limiting cuffs back on,” she explained with a grin.  “Ah, so that’s how it works,” Loki replied, turning one of the thin gold bands that now surrounded his wrists.  “Well, I suppose it could be worse.  At least I’m not stuck with a complete imbecile for an instructor whose lack of magical knowledge will land me in the medical ward, and these are at least somewhat...fashionable?  I suppose I have you to thank for that as well?”

She nodded, her grin widening in response.  “I figured you’d be less...hostile about your captivity if we tailored things more to your liking.”  He smiled back at her, a relatively easy thing for him to do, as she was surprisingly pleasant company for a friend of his brother.

He nodded thoughtfully.  “It’s a gilded cage, but still a cage, nonetheless.  Still, I’m grateful that at least someone is looking out for me, aside from my oaf of a brother.”  He gave her a quick affectionate peck on the cheek.  Lys blushes profusely, completely unused to that sort of contact.  Loki grinned even wider at her reaction.  Her innocence was absolutely endearing to him. 

After seeing the rest of the training rooms, the two of them somehow found themselves in Lysandra’s chambers.  They had agreed that Loki had more than enough reading material at the moment (although somehow the god had already gotten through The Hobbit), not to mention the fact that Lysandra’s private collection of magical texts was a lot more intriguing.  Plus she had promised him dessert and tea.  “A woman after my own heart”  Loki mused.  

The god busied himself sifting through her older tomes as Lysandra was off procuring said sweets from the kitchen.  She popped back in with a tray of tiramisu, chocolate covered madeleines, and two steaming mugs of English breakfast tea, prepared with just the right amount of cream and sugar.  Loki carefully removed a handful of older, fragile looking magical texts and went to join her on the couch.

“Set those down on the table for now,” Lysandra instructed him.  “They’re probably older than the both of us put together AND Thor.”

He let out a good natured laugh.  “I can assure you that your books are in good hands. My brother, on the other hand...”

“Just shut up and taste this already,”  she says, thrusting him a plate of cake and a fork.  

Loki studied the spongey layered cake for a moment and took a dainty bite, then quickly demolished it.

“That good, eh?”

Loki nodded, setting his plate down to pick up his tea.  “We have all manners of cakes and pastries and whatnot back home, but nothing like this,”  he said indicating a few stray flakes of chocolate.

“Ah, chocolate.  I see you’re a fan,”  she replied with a devilish grin.  Her plan of buttering Loki up by plying him with sweets and books was going splendidly.  

Loki nods, too busy eating for a proper response.  They fall into a comfortable silence for a bit, until he remembers the dusty tomes that had been calling to him like a siren’s song.  He wipes his fingers clean and magiks the plates clean and away before gingerly picking up the one at the top of the stack and cracked it open.  He skimmed through it for a few minutes before reaching for the next, where halfway through he made a startling discovery.  After finding something to save his place, he goes through the rest of the stack with mostly the same result.

“These...these books are all in various forms of elvish,”  Loki said in awestruck wonder.  “Most of them, at least.  And this one…”  he waved around an ancient looking green text with silver leaf pages before cracking it open for a closer look.  “...This one is in some old fae tongue even I cannot decipher.  Yet.”  

“That one is supposed to be locked away with the rest - crap!” Lysandra mutters, reaching for that last one.  

Loki quirks an eyebrow, smirking at her.  “I take it you can read it then?”

She huffs in frustration at being caught.  “It’s in my library, isn’t it?”

Loki’s grin widens.  She waves her hand again, and he gives in and returns the mysterious book to her.  “Well?”  

She rolls her eyes at him.  “This one’s more of a collection of poetry and epics, which is why I had it out.”

“But you can read it, as well as the ones in elvish?”

“Yes?  Should I be concerned that you can apparently read them as well?”

Loki laughs at this.  “You’re quite interesting, for one of my brother’s friends.  I like that!”  

She shot him a look of exasperation.  

“I am a prince, I learned from the best,”  he says with a shrug, as a means of explanation.  “Plus Allspeak can generally fill in most of the gaps, aside from some of the most ancient languages.”  He leans back, stretching out to his full height while mentally taking note to take full advantage of the sort of magical sanctuary he had found her sitting room to be.  Much more welcoming than any other place in the tower he’d found, so far.  Much more like home, and the company wasn’t half bad either.

I do hope this was worth the wait.  I’d love to hear from you all, even if you just want to talk about the latest ACOTAR book or bitch about how hot it is right now (living in SoCal is seriously not fun right now guys).  But really, it does help keep me going.

Also, I’m (attempting to) starting on some sort of Soulmate AU, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

XOXO Yoshi

[blazerina]

A Regular Tuesday - Part 2 - James x MC x Chris

Author’s Note:  Sorry this is a day late (hopefully not a dollar short)! This is one of those random stories I write where even I’m not sure where the story’s gonna go until I’m sitting down to write it. Enjoy and Happy Labor Day weekend!

--

“Very good question, Bridget. That’s what I’d like to know.” James’ voice echoed in the quiet house as he stood in the entry to the kitchen, waiting for an answer.

Immediately, Bridget’s heart began to race. Without thinking, she dropped Chris’ hand and turned around, untying her apron in one fluid motion.  She could hear her own blood coursing through her veins, thundering in her ears and rushing to her face all at once.  She made herself smile and walked briskly toward James.  Her heels echoed for an eternity on the wooden floor as she made her way to him. Each step felt like a small victory as her knees were wobbly and felt like putty; she tried to keep her composure for at any moment she felt as though she could faint.

“This is about Stephanie.” Chris spat out quickly, as Bridget wrapped her arms around James’ neck.

“My love!” She kissed him softly and closed her eyes, inhaling slowly and trying to remain poised. “I had planned to surprise you – I’ve made us dinner!” She was practically ignoring Chris’ explanation as she led James by the hand to the candle-lit table.

“I see that.” James pulled Bridget close and into himself for a side hug, with his hand lingering on the top of her arm, just below her shoulder. “Thank you – it smells wonderful.” He inhaled and then looked at Bridget beaming.  “What’s the occasion?” His face fell as he suddenly worried that he had forgotten an important anniversary of some kind.

“We don’t need an occasion for a nice dinner.” Bridget answered, confidently, patting his back and resting her head on his shoulder for a mili-second.  “I wanted to do something special for you – you’ve been so busy and stressed with everything lately...Chris’ practice ended early, but he’s got some studying to do so it’ll be just you and me tonight.” She glanced hopefully at Chris, pleading with her eyes for him to play along.

“You’re incredibly kind and thoughtful, Bridget. Just two of the many reasons why I love you so much.” James kissed her hand as Bridget looked to the floor, biting the inside of her cheek and hoping the awkwardness of the 5 minutes prior to James’ arrival, would fade from her memory soon.

“But – we have much more important matters to tend to, before we eat...” James turned to Chris, with a serious and stern look on his face. Bridget’s head snapped up, curious as to what James meant. “I want to know more about Stephanie.” He smiled eagerly, almost singing the name as he ended his sentence, teasing Chris.

“Oh…uh…well, you know, she’s the mystery girl I’ve been telling you about.” He scratched the back of his head, staring at the open beer can on the counter, trying hard to think on his feet. He was all of a sudden incredibly thankful for his Student Government experience. The debates and public presentations helped prepare him for this moment. C’mon Chris – keep it together.

“The young lady you met at the coffee shop?” James smiled, walking to the counter and pulling up a stool.

“That’s the one.” Chris nodded, exhaling slowly.  “Bridget here was being a good sport and helping me talk through a potential conversation with her.”

Bridget had returned to the salad, not making eye contact with either Chris or James.  Her chopping had become more intense as she tried to squelch the fury of emotions that was welling up inside of her.

“Bridget is an excellent friend and great-advice giver. I know from first-hand experience.” James explained.  “But wait a minute, Captain Powell’s nervous to talk to a girl?” He joked.  

“Eh, it happens from time to time.” Chris picked the beer up off the counter and found the gym bag he had dropped on the floor while rushing to Bridget’s side. Slinging it over his shoulder and making his way towards the stairs, he took another drink and smiled.

“Last time I was this anxious about a girl was freshmen year when I met Bri—“

“I know…I know!” James held up his hands in surrender and hung his head. “Say no more.  Bridget has that effect on people.” He winked and smiled at his girlfriend who had just put the finishing touches on the green salad, trying her hardest to drown out the thoughts of James and Chris fighting over her affection.

“I realize how lucky I am to be the one she chose.” James swiveled around to the other side of the stool and walked over to Chris.  “I’m watching you, though, Cap.”  

After a few moments of extremely tense silence, James broke into a hearty laugh followed by Chris chiming in with a timid, and somewhat scared, chuckle.  

“Just kidding, Chris. You know I love you, man.” James clapped his hand onto Chris’ shoulder and gave him a fist bump.  “Go after Stephanie and let me know how I can help – anyone who’s good enough to catch your eye must be a truly wonderful person.” He finished, sincerely, finding his way back to Bridget in the kitchen.  

With James standing beside her, Bridget swore she could see the ache in Chris’ eyes.  He wasn’t staring at her, he was staring through her; his eyes burrowing straight into her soul.  She was starting to feel pulled to him and she couldn’t explain it.

She loved James. Really, really loved James.  Their love was strong. And deep.  And had already survived so much.  James was smart.  And steady.  And such a solid guy.  But there were so many what ifs with Chris.  A whole new kind of relationship and possibility that Bridget had never known. What could I be missing out on? She asked herself.  

She wanted to go to him in that moment and comfort him.  James was kidding, but she knew it hurt Chris to know James had “won her.”  And quite honestly it made her upset that he was viewing her as a pawn or some kind of object to be fought over. Chris had just admitted, or at least asked, what was going on between the two of them…so she wasn’t crazy that something indeed, was going on; but now that this door had been opened, she wasn’t sure she wanted to see what was on the other side.

“Thanks.” Chris nodded, letting James’ words sink in.  “You two enjoy your evening.” He stared at Bridget one final time, and with a slight nod, turned to walk up the stairs.

She is a truly wonderful person, James. He thought to himself as he trudged up the stairs, his feet and body feeling heavy.  Bridget is a truly wonderful person.  So what is she doing with you? She should be with me. After taking a long last swig of beer, he crumpled the can and tossed it in the trashcan of his room as he slammed the door in frustration.

 ---

Chris rolled over with a heavy sigh.  He had been fighting sleep for what felt like hours.  Lying flat on his back he stared up at the ceiling. His hands were behind his head after pulling the sheets off himself.  The temperature in his room felt stifling.  He couldn’t breathe, and while the house was quiet and still, he felt as though his heart and thoughts was racing; unable to stop for even a moment. Flashes of the scene earlier that evening with Bridget kept coming to his mind. He was replaying each and every look, each and every comment. If he tried hard enough he could even reimagine the smell of the pasta and the pie; or, on second thought, that aroma could still be lingering in the air of their house, he wasn’t sure.  

Tired of fighting sleep, and frustrated beyond belief, Chris sat up with a heavy sigh.  He dangled his legs over the side of the bed and put his head in his hands.  Running his hands through his hair, he paused, realizing what he needed to do.

“We haven’t even talked.” He whispered.  “I’ve got to go to her.”

Quickly throwing on a pair of long, but light, pajama pants, Chris opened his bedroom door, silently chanting, “Please be quiet. Please be quiet…” as he tiptoed out into the hallway. His chant changed to “Please don’t see me. Please don’t see me…” in reference to his other housemates, who all slept only a few feet away from him.

I don’t even really want to talk anymore. He thought to himself as he made his way to Bridget.  I just want to kiss her. Do we even have to speak? What is there to say? She knows how I feel now. And she didn’t really stop me…maybe she feels the same way…?

It felt as though his feet had floated him to Bridget’s room.  As he stood outside of it, he suddenly became cold.  His palms were sweaty as his hands hung by his side and he froze.  He stood there, staring blankly at the door.  He looked down at the handle, thinking maybe it would move and Bridget had heard him.  Maybe she would take control and let him off the hook so he wasn’t solely responsible for starting something.

He backed away slowly, still facing the door, trying hard to be quiet. This was a bad idea. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be doing this.  

He turned around to walk away, feeling even more tired and completely exhausted all of a sudden. Then, in an instant, he turned around again to face the door, not able to make up his mind.  Walking up to it one more time, he was sure that he would have the gumption to knock – but his hands wouldn’t move. He hung his head once more and retreated back to his room, muttering to himself, feeling defeated. He knew more than ever that now was not the time to try to start anything with her. He had lost his chance and he needed to move on.

---

She pulled her phone off the nightstand next to her bed to check the time.  3:17 AM.  The light from Bridget’s phone was so bright; she winced and immediately turned her phone over.  The bedsheets were twisted at the end of her bed, around her ankles, proof of the fact that her thoughts were not the only thing she was wrestling with.  

She did not have a chance to speak any more to Chris that night and James had only left a few hours ago. They stayed up way too late drinking wine and talking.  She knew they’d both pay for that in the morning.  

Maybe he’ll meet me at my Spanish class with an espresso and a note, like he always does when he knows I woke up with a headache because I drank too much.

Spanish class.  

I have Spanish with Chris.  

Spanish meets tomorrow.

I’ll have to see him first thing in the morning…

We usually walk together.

What will we talk about?

What will I say?

What will HE say?

Bridget felt her chest tighten and her palms begin to sweat. Her breath quickened as she sat up in bed and ran her hands over her face.  She swung her legs over the side of the bed and untangled the sheets at her ankles. Slipping her glasses on, she padded to a mirror in her room and gave herself a quick pep talk.

Whispering, she told herself she needed to see him. Needed to talk to him.  She knew it was crazy and the middle of the night, but something was drawing her to Chris.  She wasn’t going to be sleeping, so they might as well be up together – at least that’s what she told herself.  

Her hair was in a messy top knot with various strands that had fallen from her restless night.  She was wearing a tank top and leggings, but threw on an over-sized sweatshirt she grabbed out of the closet.  Unsure how much longer her courage would last, she quickly opened her bedroom door and checked both sides of the hallway before venturing to Chris’ room. She really hoped Kaitlyn wouldn’t have to pee, or that she wouldn’t run into Zack eating a “midnight snack” of cereal in the kitchen.

Once she made it to Chris’ door, she went for the doorknob but realized she should probably knock first. She smiled a little, wistfully thinking of his bed-head and the confused look he would have on his face when he opened the door to see her standing there. I should kiss him. The thought entered into her mind recklessly and made all her actions come to a screeching halt.

No! No, I shouldn’t.  Her hand was raised to knock on the door, but she suddenly stopped herself, her fist only a few inches away from making contact with the wood.  She bit her lip and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. Releasing the fist she had made, she placed her palm on the door and lowered her head slowly, resting her forehead on the cold planks of wood.  

Tears began to burn her eyes and she slowly took two steps back, away from the door while she brought her hands to her mouth, shocked and surprised by her behavior.  What am I doing?! She scolded herself, getting angry.

This isn’t me… Bridget muttered as she turned around to walk away from the door.  The tears continued to fall silently, hot and stinging her skin. A small trail of moisture dripped down to her chin as she glanced at Chris’ bedroom door over her shoulder, while walking away.

She felt as if every nerve and every bone and every muscle in her body was telling her to go back to him, to throw open his door, hold his face in her hands and tell him that she wanted to know what life with him would be like…but her heart knew better.  They had missed their chance.  It was too late.

“Bridget?” She heard a hoarse whisper call out to her just before she turned the corner. “We need to talk.”

[stumpedonlife]

Hey guys!

I know, I know. It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that there is no way to catch you up on everything, but I can try!

On Feb. 20th: B and I went to China Town in Yokohama! We were pretty excited, and then it started to rain. And the temperature dropped. Gross. We made it fun though! By the end of it I was not feeling good, and we were both soaked. Later that night we went to Zachs birthday party at Liberty Cove (the apartment building they live at, and that we will be requesting next time we come out here.). While we were there Chris and Lena told me they were going to Disneyland on Tuesday, and that Maddie was going. Then they told me I was invited as well. I looked at B. B looked at me. I said I would let them know…nudge nudge…I was going!

Shrimp dumplings.

Feb. 22nd: DISNEYLAND ROUND DOS! It was a blast. I don’t know if Disney does this in the States, but in Japan, they do something called “Child Swap”. Lemme explain. Tell a Cast Member (Disney worker) that you want to child swap. They fill out a piece of paper, and give it to you. One group of parents, go on the ride (fast passes recommended) first, and the second group waits with the kidlettes with the piece of paper. First group comes out, waits with kidlettes. Second group gives cast member piece of paper, and gets taken all the way to the ride, and hops right on. HOPS. RIGHT. ON. No waiting. No lines. Dudes. This is how to do Disney! With kids! Who knew?! hahaha!  It was such a fun experience, being with the V family (their last name starts with a V. No I’m not going to tell the internet their last name! sillies!), it was fun to see Disney through kidlette eyes (although, it was very much the same through my eyes!).

It was Maddie’s first time!

Mochi aliens each with chocolate, strawberry, and custard.

This is where we had dinner. Wonderland!

Feb. 27th: We went to a Ninja themed restaurant in Tokyo. We went with a group, and it was so yummy! The group was fun, too!

Ninja!

The cooked this soup with a hot stone. They win.

Feb 28th: Kamakura! I took B to one of the (many) shrines. Obviously we got fish pancakes too!

Fish “pancake”

March 6th: We went to Taura (one train stop away), to see the plum blossoms. What a flipping’ hike that was! I swear, Mt. Rainier was easier. I am out of shape guys. Out. Of. Shape. Or is it, that I have too much extra shape? Maybe? hehehe! After that, B and I went to Enoshima. Enoshima is a seaside city, that is trying awfully hard to look like Santa Monica. Anyways! We walked out to an “island” (it’s connected to the main land via a sand spit that shows at low tide, so not technically an island.), and let me tell you something-so many effing stairs!

Plum Blossoms!

After that hike!

Enoshima!

Yup. For every “cute” selfie we have, we have at least one of these!

March 8th: I went with Maddie, and a few others on a trial run through some spots that Maddie wanted to take her family! We went to Ofuna to see the Kannon (lady buddha, essentially), then to Enoshima. More. Stairs….more effing stairs! It was a great day!

The Kannon.

Look at all of those cranes!

Enoshima.

March 12th: Our St. Paddies Day party! It was so much fun! I met new people, and I am so glad that I did. It takes awhile to build community, and I’m excited for what has started and what hasn’t come yet!

March 16th: We had to move. It was terrible. It still isn’t great. I am so appreciative of what Washington apartments and houses are. This place makes me love home. I don’t mind living in Japan, I actually really like it most days, but it’s not my home. It is part of my adventure though!

March 17th: I went to Enoshima with Lena, the kids, and Chris’ parents. It was such a beautiful day, and I so needed it! This time in Enoshima, they introudeced  me to the aquarium! I loved it! The only part I did NOT like was the dolphin show. It made me so sad and drove me into almost tears. Yes, their performance was amazing, they are such intelligent animals. I know they wouldn’t do well in the wild now, I understand. I don’t understand them being brought into these situations in the first place. But. I digress.

As close as I will get to Mt. Fuji this go around

Where the dolphins are kept (for are four in there, and four performing).

Matcha and sweet potato ice cream. Win!

March 20th: B and I went to Mount Nokogiri with friends from work (I haven’t asked if I can give their names, so I won’t post them until I have their permission). We had to take a train, a bus, a ferry, then walked, and then we took a lift (?) to the entrance! This was another place that just has so many stairs I doubt it would be legal in the States. I’m serious. It was beautiful! There were buddhas everywhere. The vegetation was starting to really turn green, it was sunny, I loved it! For dinner, our friends introduced us to sushi. Sushi like we have never had before. It’s stupid good!

Worn steps.

Nooks like this were everywhere!

March 26th: B and I went to Tokyo, we had a plan…then we got distracted! We started at Shibuya-the infamously busy crossing in Tokyo. It was nothing like I expected, and even though it was RIDICULOUSLY busy, it wasn’t as big as I thought it would be. After venturing around, we hopped on the train to Hirajuku-a district in Tokyo famous for “teen fashion”. I was underwhelmed but the main street. We walked around though, and that was the saving grace. We found a posh-hipster (yes, the kind that buy $250.00 flannel shirts from Chanel), neighborhood. In that neighborhood we found a Hawaiian-Mexican fusion restaurant. It was so yummy! I would go back!

My food! It was so good!

Look at this ceiling for the LOBBY of a mall. It’s crystals. for a ceiling.

Crepes done Japan-style.

March 27th: B and I met up with some new friends and went out on-what else?-an adventure! We went out to Sarushima “Monkey” Island! There are no monkeys. It was a first defense for war, so it has bunkers and old cannon mounts. It’s full of tide pools, lush trees, and birds. The trails were short, because the island isn’t very big. It was so nice to be with genuinely great people and poking around in tide pools. That’s a perfect day. The beach is my happy place.

March 31st: I got a surprise in the mail from one of my sorority sisters. It’s so amazing to know that there are people thinking about me. To know what they took the time out of their day, to make sure that I knew that they were thinking of me. When you are thinking of someone one, or catching yourself wondering what they are doing, tell them. Shoot them a Facebook message, text, or email, and say, “Hey, I was thinking about you, and I hope you are doing well!” They might not respond because they might be at work, or life is happening for them, but it’s ok. I bet you $100.00 they smiled.

Processed with VSCO with f2 preset

April 3rd: B and I went to Tokyo to see the Cherry Blossoms. It didn’t start well, but B and I recovered. We won that day. The cherry blossoms were beautiful! We found some gems, and we found some food!

April 9th: B and I went to Enoshima for two reasons: pancakes and the aquarium. I got a waffle and it had a pile of whip cream 8 inches-ish tall. B got the pancakes with the same amount of whip cream. We had to take a LONG walk after we were done because we needed the food to settle in our stomaches. On our way back to the aquarium I got to pet two golden retrievers and one licked my nose (!!!!), a pitbull-he snuggled right up, then moved so I could scratch his butt (duh). Then we went to the aquarium! The main take away was that B wants to own an ocean, and a river, and a lake, so that he can have all the fishes and all the plants.

April 12th: B and I went to DisneySea! It was such a fantastic day! It was such a long day! It was a cold morning, it was a hot day, it was a chilly night…then not so chilly. Japan knows what it’s doing with it’s weather about as much as Washington does. We had a game plan…but I forgot to screen shot it from Pinterest! So…we had to wing it!

If you have never experienced B and I together, when we are being completely and truly ourselves, then you might not know what it means to us, to “wing it”…but it’s a lot of laughing, rolling eyes (in jest…mostly :P), people watching, eating food, and mostly being absolutely ridiculous and obnoxious. Around 5:30 we headed to dinner. But earlier in the day, I wanted tea because I was cold, but then I saw they had ice cream too….B told me no. BOO you —–! So on our way to dinner in my head I was like, yeah, we have to walk all the way across the park…I need food…omg…ICE CREAM! So I told B, “So, here’s what I’m thinking, we go get ice cream now, that way we can eat it as we walk to dinner. That way we have a little something in us in case the line is long.” Nailed it. And B replies with, “You’re priorities are so…perfect!”

That’s why I married him.

The restaurant we wanted to eat at was, at the cheapest, $48.00/plate. NOPE! We went to Venice (LOL!) and found some pasta for him, pizza for me, and dessert for us! Because no one can simply eat just ONE dessert! As we were walking out we saw a couple with a bag FULL of keychain stuffed animals, a second bag started, and like four big stuffed animals!

EVERYWHERE at Disney plays music, and as we were walking out, B and I danced to the Italian music, because…well…we love our life!

My second wind kicked in with all of those carbs, and I just couldn’t stop moving and I fully embarrassed B by dancing around with his jacket as he put on his sweatshirt! No regrets. The Japanese were probably like, “Yup. American”. We finished the night with the Tower of Terror. This ride puts us into, what B called, free fall. Yup. Our backpacks came off of the ground, my knees came up. The guy next to B passed out (we think). It was a blast!

We decided though, that we really need to go to Hershey park, because now that I’m ok with rollercoasters (thank you, Pap) B wanted me to experience the “real ones”.

  *** Note: This was lightly edited a full year and a half AFTER it was originally written. I’m guessing I never posted it because I couldn’t get pictures to upload… Sorry for the abrupt end of this one. This will be the last post I do about the first time we went to Japan. Next time will hopefully be better.***

          It’s Been Awhile Hey guys! I know, I know. It's been so long since I've blogged that there is no way to catch you up on everything, but I can try!

[your-kaleidoscope-girl]

Do ALL OF THEM

😳 oh yikes all of them??

1. Is a kiss considered cheating?depends on the relationship i guess. i suppose not if it’s poly. but in a monogamous relationship it also depends on the people. some think anything physical is considered cheating. personally, i think cheating can happen way before things get physical, so yeah to me a kiss would be cheating unless it was obviously completely platonic and something silly

2. Have you ever faked orgasm?i guess you could say i faked an orgasm when i lost my virginity

3. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?i’d wanna be like an animorph, able to change into any animal i touch. but like not have to touch them, so i could be any animal in the world. i could turn into a fishy and swim the entire ocean. or a hawk and soar through the sky. or a cat and just be a lazy asshole

4. Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?wow that would be nice! at this rate, it’s only happen if i hit the lotto and i’ve never bought a ticket so that’s not likely

5. Tell us some funny drunk story.oh gosh. well there was this one time i went and visited my best friend at college. and we went to this party and i had jungle juice for the first time, which i didn’t realize is just a shit ton of alcohol poured together and fruit punch or something. so at one point i laughed so hard that i ended up crouching, but then i couldn’t stand up so i said to this random guy next to me “i’m going to use your shorts to pull myself up, i’m not getting frisky, i promise” suffice to say me and Kelsey were toasted af by the time we left. and at this point she lived in these off campus apartments that were a very long walk. we had to pee really bad and weren’t even halfway back to her place, so i drunkenly decided to do a sloppy wall squat against a chainlink fence with my pants pulled down and proceed to urinate on the path. not my brightest moment. we laughed about it all the way back to her apartment though

6. Why are you no longer together with your ex?we broke up on a mutual agreement that neither of us were in good places and needed to work on ourselves, that this wasn’t a forever solution and that if it was meant to be we’d come back to one another sometime down the line when we were both on our right paths

7. If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? peacefully in my sleep due to old age. but honestly i’ll probably die trying to save someone from something dangerous

8. What are your current goals?just to name a few; get back to school, start my own business, move out

9. Do you like someone?i don’t just like her, i love her

10. Who was the last person to disappoint you?James. he acted like a twat tonight at work and i’m severely disappointed in the way he’s been holding himself at work lately. he’s better than he’s been acting

11. Do you like your body?not really. i’m far too skinny. i’d like to get to the gym and build some muscle

12. Can you keep a diet?maybe a diet of junk food, cheese, pasta, bread, butter and steak AND BAGELs

13. If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?treat everyone as you would like to be treated and maybe this world would might get a little brighter

14. Do you work?five days a week, 40+ hours

15. If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?fuck. uhm. BAGELS bc bagels can be turned into just about anything 😉

16. Would you get a tattoo?i have three already! and so many more planned

17. Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?LUSH cosmetic bathbombs 😳

18. Can you drive?yessir

19. When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Chef George tells me every day i work with him, today included 😋

20. What was the last thing you cried for?i was watching the titanic 😂

21. Do you keep a journal?yeah i’ve got a couple that i’ve written in. tumblr mostly though haha

22. Is life fun?most of the time yeah!

23. Is farting in front of people irrelevant?i only fart in front of people when i don’t feel well and can’t really control it. i usually manage to fart in private

24. What’s your dream car?soft blue convertible VW bug

25. Are grades in school important?personally i feel like shit when i fail, so to me yeah

26. Describe your crush.oh goodness. she’s remarkable. one of the strongest women i know, she fights every day. she gives the best hugs bc she’s not afraid to squeeze me like everyone else, and she does that almost let go but wait i need more time kinda squeezes too, and she does this thing where when we drop our arms she grabs at my waist with one hand in a half-hearted tickle kinda gesture. she has wicked beautifully expressive eyes. she doesn’t need to wear makeup bc she’s got natural beauty but when she does it’s just wow. her laugh is contagious and i can’t stop smiling when i spend time with her. she knows me better than i known myself sometimes. she makes time for me and is always there when i really need her. i can’t lie to her, she hears it in my voice, knows it by my eyes, but doesn’t force me to talk if i’m not ready. i’ve cried on her shoulder more times than i can count, she’s held me in the middle of panic attacks, reigned in my anger and told me exactly when i’m in the wrong. she’s incredible

27. What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?codependent no more. i’m not even done, only a couple chapters in actually and it’s written with this raw truth and it’s eye opening

28. What was your last lie?i try not to lie so i can’t really remember 🤔

29. Dumbest lie you ever told? every time someone asked if i was okay and i lied and said i was fine

30. Is crying in front of people embarrassing?i fucking hate crying in front of people. i am not okay with that level of vulnerability in front of just anyone. but i also angry cry, which is annoying

31. Something you did and you are proud of?I’ve cut toxic friends out. I’m an assistant supervisor after working there for only two years, chosen above everyone else who’s worked there longer

32. What’s your favourite cocktail?i enjoy a good mai tai

33. Something you are good at?i’m a decent writer

34. Do you like small kids?in small doses they’re fun and adorable

35. How are you feeling right now?quite content, thank you

36. What would you name your daughter/son?Josephine for a little lady and Michael for my son. i’m open minded though

37. What do you need to be happy?general feeling of acceptance and love

38. Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Karen 😤

39. What was the last gift you received?like formal gift? probably my birthday presents. but i enjoy minimal gifts, like someone paying for my coffee or grabbing the bill for a lunch we had together (but i always fight and usually win bc i hate people paying for my food). i’m thinking hard about the last gift someone got me specifically though.. hmm… i think the last gift i got was the necklace Erin got me for my birthday, engraved with the latitude/longitude of where we first met 😊

40. What was the last gift you gave?i paid for dinner when i went out with my friends thursday night?

41. What was the last concert you went to?oh boy i haven’t been to a concert since…. three years ago when i saw Scotty McCreery with Dani?

42. Favourite place to shop at?Fabletics.com !!!

43. Who inspires you?honestly all the residents at work, hearing about what they’ve done or wish they’d done and how supportive they all are when i talk about any new lavish idea i have

44. How old were you when you first got drunk?probably eighteen or nineteen

45. How old were you when you first got high?again 18 or 19 i didn’t do these things until my college years when visiting Kelsey

46. How old were you when you first had sex?i was 23 believe it or not 😲

47. When was your first kiss?i was kissing by the time i was 12 i think lol

48. Something you want to do until the end of this year? get it done by the end of the year? ah well i’d like to be able to move out. or i’d like to be with the love of my life. or both and possibly living somewhere with her?

49. Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?i have so many regrets. but i wouldn’t change anything. every moment and choice i’ve made in the last has made me who i am today

50. Post a selfie.i’ll post one soon

51. Who are you most comfortable around?Erin, Kelsey, Ashley and Ryan

52. Name one thing that terrifies you.dying too young

53. What kind of books do you read?raunchy adult books, supernatural themes, murder mysteries, self help books

54. What would you tell your 12 year old self?people come and go, love them while they’re with you. you’re gay as fuck, embrace it sooner rather than later. don’t let your parents dictate your choices.

55. What is your favourite flower?white carnations partially dyed blue

56. Any bad habits you have?i scratch/pick my scabs

57. What kind of people are you attracted to?strong personalities with pretty faces and nice butts 🤷🏼‍♀️

58. What was the last thing you cried for?i said this before, Titanic

59. Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?calves liver, lamb, purée. working in an old folks home i see a lot of food that’s disgusting to me

60. Are you in love?i’m absolutely head over heels

61. Something you find romantic?intimate moments with candle light, deep talks, massages and food

62. How long was your longest relationship? 6 months

63. What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?don’t get me started. petty, manipulative, emotional

64. What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? fragile masculinity, arrogance, “friend zone”

65. What are you saving money for?everything! i’ve been saving money since i started working and it’s the smartest thing i’ve ever done. i have a safety cushion if my Jeep decides to die (which it very well might), or to use for school or whatever

66. How would you describe your bad side?insecure, selfish, self doubting and gullible

67. Are you actually a good person? Why?i’ve been told that my inner essence is so white and pure that it brought someone to tears when she saw it. she nicknamed me Angel from that moment. i’m a do-gooder, trying to save everyone i meet. i think i’m a good person

68. What are you living for?i’m still trying to figure that one out

69. Have you ever done anything illegal?what?! noo neverrrr

70. Do you like your body?didn’t i answer this earlier?

71. Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?not that i can think of

72. Ever sent nudes?come to think of it, i don’t think i’ve sent full on nude photos before. there’s usually something covered and they’re more like “coming attractions” or teasers. but yeah, if those are considered nudes then fuck yeah man i love sending nudes to my person

73. Have you ever cheated on someone?i haven’t

74. Favourite candy?ooh that’s no fair i don’t like choosing. probably a toss up between butterfingers and milk duds though. but there’s also milky ways and ugh i just really like candy okay??

75. Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!i kinda stalk @kenzicocapontas blog on the regular but she doesn’t know that so shh

76. Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?L4D is my most favorite PC game! but also Diablo II and all of the Sims

77. Favourite TV series?Charmed 😍

78. Are you religious? Does God exist?i believe in a higher power and submit to the truth that i may never know exactly who/what it is or why things happens the way they do if there’s someone watching over us

79. What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?didn’t i just answer this too?

80. What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?props to y'all but i love me some filet mignon

81. How long have you been on Tumblr?hm my original account jmagerr i believe started in 2009 or 10

82. Do you like Chineese food?LOVE IT

83. McDonalds or Subway?both?!

84. Vodka or whiskey?vodka cranberry and jack/ginger are my go to’s

85. Alcohol or drugs?honestly not a huge fan of either

86. Ever been out of your province/state/country?only out of the state so far, haven’t left the country just yet

87. Meaning behind your blog name?just that i’m always changing

88. What are you scared of?too many things. i’m very scared of failure, it’s kind of debilitating at times

89. Last time you were insulted?bleh my period makes me a cranky baby so everything’s hurt my feelings this last week

90. Most traumatic experience ?i’ve gone through some pretty emotionally traumatic relationships; verbal abuse, manipulation, cheating. my first girlfriend really did a number on me, left me with so many self esteem issues. it’s hard to get over internalized damage

91. Perfect date idea?coming home to a house softly lit, sitting down for a small dinner together among pillows and blankets in a fort we built together giggling like kids. laying together in the cramped space, feeding each other bites of food. and then we can push away the plates of food and start up a movie, or go upstairs to take a hot bath togetheri just really like intimate domesticity. another great date could literally be shopping all day and grabbing food, doing more shopping and going home to go through all the bags together

92. Favourite app on your phone?tumblr 😋

93. What colour are the walls in your room?we painted them a light grey then sponged a darker grey over it

94. Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?actually i just use youtube for songs still

95. Share your favourite quote.“Be the change you wish to see in the world” gandhi

96. What is the meaning of life?also still trying to figure that one out

97. Do you like horror movies?yessss

98. Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?i told her i wanted to go to therapy, that i’ve felt depressed for years and didn’t want to go to her and dad about it bc i didn’t wanna disappoint them

99. Do you feel lucky or special in a way?i feel blessed to have such a loving and understanding family. they accepted my sexuality when i went from straight to bi to lesbian and supported me even when i was considering dating a guy even though i said i was a lesbian. once i told them about my anxiety and depression they’ve been nothing but understanding, and helpful

100. Can you keep a secret?indeed i can 😊

oh boy that was a lot of work 😪 might just have to go to sleep now 😴