#I’m like. idfk. romantically involved with a person in my friend group

[sailorsleepymoon]

Latest news in being a person with anxiety is wanting the same thing as someone else but being anxious about why they want it

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #273

ew, wtf is this new /tagged formatting???? ugh.

What is something you dislike about the dating world? I haven't dated around enough to have first-hand experience, really. But from an outside view, people don't seem all that interested in serious commitment. Don't fwm if you aren't into the idea of working towards a whole lifetime together. What gives you confidence? Bitch nothing lmao. Have you ever dated someone with very different sexual tastes than you? No. What is the most meaningful gift you’ve ever given? Both Jason and Sara got a huge list of reasons I love them for certain relationship "milestones," both which really did take a long time because there were loads. I did it with each because I really did feel like it was a very personal, uplifting, and full-of-adoration gift, not just for the sake of recycling an idea because I had no others. I have a shitload of romantic ideas, ngl man. Do you feel as though someone ‘won’ in your last break up? Neither of us "won" or "lost," really. It was a mutual agreement that now just isn't the time for a relationship between us. Whatever happened to the first person you ever loved? Sometimes I'm scared to know. Do you still shop at the same stores you liked when you were a teenager? Yeah. Thankfully Hot Topic became more accessible to plus-size people. Is there anyone significantly older than you that you would date? No. I won't go over like... nine years. Even eight it pushing it. Please share your embarrassing and weird celeb crushes. Post pictures. What do you like about them? I don't have any "embarrassing" or "weird" ones. What is something your partner does that is unattractive to you? N/A What is something that would have made the show better/you would have liked to see happen on one of your favorite series? I honestly wish Weed in Ginga Densetsu Weed was more realistic and realized Hougen was worth killing himself. The lightning seemed cheap and anti-climactic. He had EVERY reason to kill him, and it sounds weird to consider killing as a form of growth, but I feel like it would've been. Maybe that's just a personal thing, believing killing is sometimes justified, but it actually annoyed me. Nevertheless, fucking fantastic show. How do you feel about celebrities that are silent about political or human rights issues? Do you think celebrities should use their platform to speak out? I have... mixed feelings. I think most of me says to use their prominence for good, to be a loud voice to look up to and bring greater attention to issues, but at the same time, some people just like/feel safer being non-political. When you were a kid, what child characters did you admire or relate to most? BINDI IRWIN!!!!!!!!!! I still follow and fucking adore her. Y'all she recently got married and she is just so beautiful and so happy and the Irwins are just genuinely angels on this earth. Tell me about a time that you were bored in a relationship (can be romantic or friendship). What was it about them/the situation that bored you? I've never been romantically bored, and not really with a friendship, either. Sure, I've been bored in another's presence, but it was never a consistent issue. Who’s your favorite Tiktoker? I have never even touched it. How high or low is the barrier to entry in your field or desired field? It's tough, but not that high. More than anything, photography depends on who you know to help get you out there, sadly. It's luck, too. There is most certainly skill involved, but yeah... building your brand up to stand out with only your own hands is ridiculously hard. But that's really any small business/self-employed position. Where would you look if you were looking for a job (e.g., indeed.com, company websites, asking a friend…)? I've pretty much always used Indeed, or I hear from family/friends. How much lower than your ideal salary would you take? What would the job have to entail for you to take a less than ideal wage? Hi, I live in America, where the government doesn't give a fuck if you can support yourself on minimum wage or not. :^) But anyway, this is a difficult question to answer with how little experience I have. I can say, however, that I will fucking not work to just barely scrape by with minimum wage. If I'm going to bust my ass, it's gonna be fucking worth it. Even if you were able to support yourself/your own family, would there ever be a situation in which you would choose to live in a shared house with another family or individual, be it your parents or a sibling’s family, or some other housemate? Sure, I wouldn't mind. Especially family. Do bridges make you nervous? To a degree. Are there any movies that you find so dumb, you find funny? Napoleon Dynamite, of course. How often do you vacation? Pretty much never ever. Do you think it’s cruel to leave a live fish to die in an ice box? I am genuinely concerned for you if you say no to this. Have you ever done anything sexual with someone of the same sex? Yes. Have you ever pawned anything off at a pawn shop? No. Do you have stomach abs? OH, HUNNY- Do you know anyone who is trying to physically impersonate a celebrity? No. Have you ever seen a shuttle launch? I mean, on TV, but even then I didn't seriously watch it. Are we having signs of the apocalypse? I don't believe in the "apocalypse." We're going to fall through natural methods. We're definitely heading deeper into destruction in some ways, though, by our own hands. I'm quite sure humans themselves will be the end of humanity. Would you rather see The Blue Man Group or Fear Factor live? BLUE MAN GROUP!!! They're dooooope. Do you have any exciting plans for this upcoming weekend? No. I'm staying in the goddamn house like we're fucking supposed to. What color of colored contacts would you like to have? To wear regularly? Sapphire blue. Ohhh, maybe one that, and the other icy blue. What’s on your bedside table? It's more a shelf than a table, so I have quite a bit. My medicine basket, fan, a drink, books, sketchbook, some other miscellaneous things. What’s on your bed? A bedsheet, comforter, two pillows, and me, ha ha. Your floor besides furniture? Nothing. Your dresser? All my meerkat stuffed animals, plus some others. The top shelf in your closet? Ha, good question. Are there any dead stuffed animals in your house? No. What’s the best prize you’ve won on an amusement park/carnival game? *shrug* Have you ever done anything sexual in a school? No, I was a good noodle. Have you ever been indoor skydiving? No. Would you have any interest in going on a cruise? Not really. What did you have for dinner last night? I made some hot wings. What's your ideal indoor temperature? High 60s, ig. It’s hard to really tell because my room is always the hottest in the house and I have a fan on me, so I don’t really feel the “normal” temperature most of the time. Does your kitchen have a theme? No. What's the grossest thing u have found in your food? Probably nothing worse than a hair or something, idk. Are you a flip flop lover? I am NOTORIOUS for wearing flipflops absolutely year-round. A little bit of snow on the ground? I’m wearing my gd flipflops because they’re just easy to slide on and I care about convenience probably too much lmao. What namebrand dishwashing liquid do u use? … Dawn, I think? I don’t really pay attention. Do you like ice cream sandwiches? UGH yesssssssssss hunty. Do you prefer hard or soft shell tacos? I hate tacos, but I’d definitely rather have a soft shell than hard. Ever worn a flower in your hair? Maybe as a kid? Name five random things in your kitchen? Nothing abnormal, really… no, wait. You know those sticky cylinder things that flies are attracted to and die a slow death for their brazen intrusion upon your property? We have one of those hanging up in there. Magnets and pictures on the fridge is considered pretty normal, right? Name four things in your fridge? Milk, apples, a bigass bag of pepperoni, and some cold water bottles because I strongly prefer cold water. Name two things in your meds cabinet? We’ve got a load… Different kinds of pain pills, things like Pepto, etc. Name six things in your family room? A couch, a reclining chair, the TV, Mom’s bed, loads of pictures on the walls, and uh… sidetables? Name three things in your bedroom? My snake, my bed, and my dresser. Name three things in your yard? A bird feeder that squirrels like to steal from, a random fucking dolphin statue thingy that deadass looks like a distorted dick (it’s been here since we got here, idfk), and two sheds. Name two things in your bathroom? Our bathroom is tiiiny, so very normal stuff. Y’know, a toilet and sink. What health problems do you have? A lot that I don’t feel like thinking through. Fave name brand of water? Essentia. Do you have a trampoline? Not since I was a teenager. The last time you were in the fridge, what were you looking for? Jam to make a pb&j. Do you like clowns? No opinion. Are you listening to anything at the moment? Surprisingly nothing, but Halocene’s cover of “My Immortal” is seeeeeriously jammed in my head. Do you twitch when your falling asleep? YES. They’re more like muscle spasms. Are your dishes in the dishwasher clean or dirty? We don’t have one; we have to wash by hand. Buuut that house we’re moving into has one! :’) When is the last time you were on a bicycle? Not since I was a teenager. I used to love love loooove to ride my bike after school. What have you eaten today? Special K cereal and aforementioned sandwich. Do you own a strapless bra? Fuckin Y I K E S that would not work w/ my size lmfao. Does the person you like know it? Ye. Did anything brighten up your day today? Our lawn FINALLY got mowed and the bushes trimmed. We had to tidy it up before we can move. It looked like a jungle, deadass serious. Do you ever wonder how other people see you? Only all the time. What is one good thing you're known for? I write well. How about one bad thing? I’m very dependent. When was the last time you sang an ENTIRE song? Wow, no clue. I rarely sing, never mind an entire song. What is one thing that is currently bothering you? Actually my stomach kinda hurts. What did you do today? Wander around the Internet looking for something to even mildly entertain me, play World of Warcraft for a very brief period since I’m going through a bored phase of it, read for a bit, showered… not a lot, but later today we’re celebrating my mom’s birthday early, actually. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? No. I think my dimples are kinda cute, but that’s it. Do you regret going out with the last person you did? Not at all. Do you realize it when you curse? It’s so normal in my vocabulary that generally, no. I’m very mindful around kids, though. I still remember the first time I said “fuck” in my mom’s presence without realizing it and she just like f r o z e. Have you ever been extremely tired but refused to go to sleep? Yeah, for various reasons. That is veeeeery rare nowadays, though, partially because I’m so fucking bored that I’m just happy to close the day. What's the longest amount of time you've been stuck in traffic? An hour or so is my guess while traveling. I don’t recall any specific instances. Best field trip experience? We went to the zoo!!!! It was the one and only time thus far that I’ve seen meerkats irl. What is the most amount of money you've spent on a meal before? I’ve never really been able to buy my own meal, never mind something expensive. What museums have you visited, if any? Just local ones centered around art or science, generally. What's your worst traveling experience? Idk. Sims 1, 2, or 3? Why? Never played. Not my kinda game. What area of math are you best at? Worst? lol I suck at them all. How do you feel when you meet someone with the same music taste as you? It’s exciting! Do you believe in luck? Why or why not? No, because I don’t believe in any “magical” influence over events that occur. Shit just happens, sometimes to good people, sometimes to bad people, and everything in-between. How often do you "half-ass" things (put little effort in)? IIII tend to do that a lot.. Do you ever feel self-conscious when you eat around other people? Not really. Have you ever missed a meeting/event that was required/necessary? You could say so, but it turned out fine that I missed it anyway. What's something that makes you incredibly nervous? Talking to people I don’t know or being alone with a man. If you don't have glasses, how would you feel if you had to get them? N/A If you do have glasses, how would you feel if you didn't need them anymore? I’d be fuckin’ stoked, I could get my undereye dermal without it looking stupid. How many vegetarians do you know? I’m not sure. Have you ever considered going to art school? Does Photography count? I majored in that. Otherwise, no. Have you ever had problems falling asleep in class? No, I was always very attentive in class. Are your parents supportive of you? Very.

[rum-and-shattered-dreams]

Personal ramblings and continuing frustration with art block...

Some days I can’t ignore the actual very terrifying underlying reason for being depressed and having anxiety.  I have tried so many times to prove people wrong when they said I’d never be able to make it on my own.  Doctors said I’d never be able to work full time or go back to college because of my chronic illness in 2001.  They said I’d probably be dead by 30 but I’m still here.  I found my own ways, outside of their prescriptions (which gave me brain damage and didn’t actually help anything.) to manage things and survive but I believe the root cause of everything was never touched upon.  I believe the stress from trying to conform while having no idea that I’m on the Autistic spectrum caused my illness to flare up.  Maybe if I’d known earlier, a lot of my life would have been different.  (But I’m not even going to go there because I didn’t, it wasn’t, it’s over now, and there’s nothing I can do to change that past.  I just want kids now and future kids to have a better experience with a more knowledgeable society.) And now it’s becoming more and more apparent to me that I can’t prove the friends who said things like “I can’t imagine you living on your own” and “what are you going to do when you’re 30 and still living with your parents?  You don’t want to be that pathetic person, do you?” wrong.   I had to quit community college once because I couldn’t keep food inside me for nine weeks and nearly died.  I did make it through an eight month technical school and managed to get a job in my field for a while but the company went out of business right around the time I figured out that every day was leaving me a little more drained than the last.  I probably would have had health issues again if they hadn’t gone out of business.  Other than that, I’ve worked retail and had to take breaks from full time hours when my health took a downward spiral again until I finally had to quit that too. Anyway, what it all boils down to is that I’m trying to come to terms with not having the mental/physical capabilities of functioning in a full time job which also means constantly not having enough money to afford living on my own.  I’m pretty good with household things like cooking and cleaning but if there’s more than basic bills to pay I start to get overwhelmed with that too. And of course there’s the inevitability that my parents won’t be here anymore someday.  I don’t have any siblings and to be honest, I haven’t seen any other family members in so long that if I met them at random, I’d have no idea who they were.  Not that that would happen since they all live in another country.  So quite honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I don’t make friends easily (but I love the few I have) and probably will never have a significant other because apparently there’s something inherently off-putting about me even if I try to look nice.  And being a sex-repulsed asexual doesn’t help (but it really sucks when you do crave romantic physical and emotional experiences.  Ha ha ha what does it feel like to cuddle?  IDFK...) I simply don’t know how to interact properly and the lag in my comprehension of things (especially spoken words and physical signals) means I’m always slow to pick up on what’s going on and even slower to react and my reaction will most likely be inappropriate in some way.  All of that means that it takes more energy to interact with people and makes interacting with groups nearly impossible.   As an example - I love the idea of D&D style tabletop games and I love listening to people play but if I try to play, my comprehension lags and I end up a nervous wreck who can’t even figure out which side of the D20 is actually facing up.  Someone else would have to help me add things if there’s multiple rolls involved.  So, while half of me wishes I could find a group and join a campaign, the other half just stays home because I don’t want to drag them down and make them have to pause every time it’s my turn to do something.  And then probably pick something dumb as an action and be completely boring because I can’t think fast enough to be funny and am overwhelmed by everything.  So basically, I’ve always known I’m not invited.  And I get why.  And I don’t blame anyone for it and I try to make it easier for them to feel like there’s no obligation because why should they have to make special accommodations for me?  It’s not fair for me to make an entire group have to change the way they do things.   So I just try to stay out of the way because I’d feel uncomfortable with people having to sacrifice anything to include me  (which is a much deeper feeling than it appears on the surface.  I want to be able to keep up.  I want to be able to do what they do and when I can’t and others have to treat me differently, I feel like a humiliated child so, believe me, I know it’s not other people who are a problem and I don’t want anyone to feel guilty or anything.  I know other people try the best they can.  But, there’s probably nothing anyone else can do.  I know it’s my problems and I’m the only one who can do anything about how I feel.)  And that’s where the suicidal ideation cuts in and I have to fight against my own brain. At the moment I’m at least useful for helping my parents with things around the house.  But when things inevitably change, I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to fight my own brain anymore.  I know what my options are for things I can do when the time comes as far as continuing to survive (sell things, move into a smaller place, try to find a job that doesn’t kill me, probably move out of the US since I’m not a citizen here for the reason that I’ll probably move away at this point because there will be no reason to stay.) but I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to actually do them and to do it alone. And this is probably causing a lot of my recent art block.  I’ve been trying to get better at it but suddenly I don’t know why.  I probably won’t be healthy enough to find a job or go back to school.  And I’ve hit this point where there’s something about all of my drawings, something about the curves and angles of my lines or the overall feel of it that I really hate and I don’t know how to fix it.  I know it’s not good enough.  I know I’m not there yet.  And I feel like I’m still stuck back in art class when my work was never good enough to be accepted to the gallery shows and the only time it was ever displayed was when we were required to have a piece displayed.  Somehow I always miss when there’s a zine looking for works and whenever I do happen to catch one, I’m not accepted so clearly I still have a lot of practicing to do.  I’m not willing to open commissions yet because people don’t even want to request things from me most of the time (Super thanks to the people who do!  I appreciate it so much.  I really do want to get better and you’re helping me practice.) and I know part of that is that I don’t send requests to others because I never have any good ideas (hence why I need requests).   TBH when there was a call for Gravity Falls fan artists on twitter, part of me kinda wished someone might suggest me but part of me is glad no one did because if I’m not good enough for someone to have done that, then I’m not good enough to do whatever it was they needed an artist to do.  And I’m just at that point of frustration where I don’t know what to do next in order to move forward and get better or if there’s even a point to it. It’s getting harder every day to make myself sit down and do daily drawing or look for tutorials and classes to try to make some sort of headway but I don’t want to stop because then I’ll never get anywhere.  I’m trying to fight and stay as positive as I can but sometimes I just get tired and start to wonder why I’m even bothering to try because it stops being fun when the frustration kicks in.  I need it to be fun again, I guess.  Maybe I’ll get there again.