#I’m kind of super rambling here and i dont have a point but mak

[tigers1o1]

// cw sort of a vent (not really), medical/disability defeatism, menstrual cycle (probably tmi but i dont really believe in tmi when it comes to menstrual health)

There is something very very strange about waking up at 5:30 in the morning to go change your tampon, and being forced to recognize that both your periods and your disabling symptoms are getting worse.

I don’t have the money for a diagnosis, but my EDS has been medically recognized, and EDS is not a condition that is curable, nor does it get better over time. I will only get worse. And its just an extremely strange feeling to recognize it. Theres a difference between *knowing* that your condition is degenerative, and being able to feel yourself worsen. Honestly, i am scared.

I am terrified of becoming a burden on my loved ones. The idea that i may need to rely on someone, financially or physically, really really scares me. The idea that i am not allowed to lean on other people in the slightest was unfortunately instilled in me in a very young age. I do not blame my mother for this, she was a young, financially unstable woman who had been taught the very same as a child. She wasnt even aware she was instilling that belief into me. But the idea that i may have to rely on others feels deeply wrong to me. Almost offensive in a way

I dont have the money for health insurance, but i dont know how much it would help me anyway. The healthcare system is so fucked here, and there isnt a cure anyway. The most theyd be able to do is give me a diagnosis, maybe some POTS medication, and i might be able to go to a GYN about my worsening periods. Id like a hysterectomy, to be honest, but it would be difficult to find a doctor to do it, harder to get insurance coverage, and harder even to shoulder the bill after insurance.

Every month, i am bedridden for a day or two. And if i cannot afford to spend the day in bed, i rely heavily on my cane, and pain medicine that does very little to curb my pain. I hate it. I hate being sick every month. I hate making my fiance look after me, though reasonably he *wants* to and is the one to actively take care of me. I’m not forcing hjm to do anything, technically. I dont think i will ever not feel bad about it tho tbh.

I guess at the end of the day it boils down to my innate fear of being a burden, being financially unable to support myself medically, and the fact that i will only get worse

Theres a weird sort of grief there. Because i dont know how much of my life i will be allowed to live. Allowed by my disabilities, that is