#I’m just tired of not having my own money especially since my parents have been REALLY struggling money wise to the point where if I don’t

[sadgirlautumn]

I haven’t posted about this yet because life has been crazy but i have a good chance of getting the job I want at the place i want (it’s nothing fancy and I’ll basically just be a cashier but I feel comfortable because my potential boss understands my circumstances with being chronically ill and everything) the only con is she said about hiring me to be seasonal which is nice because I’ll have lots of free time still but it sucks because that means money won’t be coming in at that time which is not ideal 🤪

[charcoallbaby]

fake marriage

smuttyyyyy ofc so 18+ also a lil toxic

tired asf i’ll do a spelling check tmrw thx for reading!

having a fake marriage was definitely one of the best thing to ever exist especially since i get paid to pretend to love a man who is basically heartless, well to most people he is.

i get to live in a giant penthouse in the city of boston, i get a huge bedroom, with a ensuite plus a balcony, free clothes, mostly everything gets handed to me.

as much i love being in this fake marriage, there are some cons mostly because of matt. i mostly hate hearing him fuck girls in the room next to me, when i can’t do anything like that, he’s very protective of me, he gets jealous very easily, he doesn’t really let me talk to any male being while he’s with me. he punishes me by not paying me that week which doesn’t really effect me, the amount of money i’ve made since this marriage is insane, it would take me months to run through it. but in matt’s eyes he’s somehow “punishing me.”

tonight was a black-tie event for one of his many company’s. he got me a vintage chanel dress from the 90s. it was the most beautiful dress i’ve ever laid my eyes on, i knew the price of the dress would be nothing to him, he just wantedme to look good standing beside him.

“ready?” matt asked while fixing his cufflinks on his wrist. “yeah, i just need to get my heels on.” i grabbed my silver heels from my collection of different types of heels.

“the cars outside y/n.” he looked me up and down. “fuck, can you grab my bag?” i asked slipping myheels on. he rolled his eyes and grabbed my bag off my vanity. “thank you.” i took my small clutch from his hands and made my way to the elevator.

“behave tonight,” matt whispered in my ear before placing his hand around my waist, smiling for the cameras. “i always do.” i say through my teeth. “we’ll see about that love.” he pressed a light kiss to my cheek.

everything is for the cameras and i mean that. the touching, the kissing, theres no contact between us at home. before today i hadn’t spoken to matt in probably 3 days. not that he would talk to me anyway. he only talks to his parents, his 2 brothers, the maids who clean the house(mostly flirting) and the girls he fucks in the guest bedroom, matt would never dare to fuck a girl in his own bed, he’s really weird about that type of thing, he hates when anyone goes into his room well everyone but the maids, as i said he flirts with them a lot, just to make them blush, it boosts his already massive ego. after i come home from picking up some groceries up or going to visit my friends, i hear him making up some story of how he saved an animal or how much money he gives to charity which i know he does. but he hates people, hates them other than the couple people he talks to.

mine and matt’s hands were interlinked as we walked into the building.

“how long have you guys been married?” the older women infront of us asked. i looked up at matt before speaking, “well me and matt have been together 3 years, married for 1,” i gave a fake smile to the women. “that’s just so beautiful!” she chimed. matt gave the women a small smile. “wait!” “what about kids, do you have kids?” matt’s let go of my hand and put the hand i just holding around my waist. i cleared my through before awkwardly laughing. “no, no,” “not as of right now,” i smiled. “maybe soon,” matt finally spoke. “oh really!” she exclaimed. “yes matt really!” i looked up at him, he looked down at me before looking back at the women. “maybe not soon, but in the future.” he licked his lips. “wonderful!” “it was nice talking to your mr and mrs sturniolo, i’m going to find my husband he wanders off!” she laughed. “you too.” matt gave her a straight lined smile. “bye.” i smiled.

me and matt watched her walk away. “fuck,” he took a deep breath. “having kids soon are we?” i turned to him. he moved both his hands around my waist as he looked down at me. “only said that for people to have something to talk about,” i could feel his warm hands through my dress. “it’s crazy how such a cold hearted person can make something up like that,” i teased him. he looked away from me, chuckled before looking back at me again. “you look good.” he licked his teeth. “yeah you too.” i touched his right bicep.

“thank you everyone for coming tonight,” matt awkwardly had his hand in his pocket as he gave a speech. “i would like to thank my team and my wife,” “thanks.” he awkwardly put his drink up in the air before taking a sip.

the room was filled with people loudly clapping.

“what’s wrong?” matt asked as he came down by from the stage. “my feet hurt.” i whined. “y/n baby, i didn’t marry you to whine about your feet come on let’s get a drink.” he put his hand on my back and guided me towards the bar.

“what would you guys like?” the bartender asked. “scotch on the rocks,” “y/n?” matt asked. i looked at the bartender. he smiled at me. i gave him back a small smile. i cleared my throat. “i’ll have a-” “she’ll have a glass of white wine,” matt interrupted me. “alright, that’ll be coming straight up,” he looked at me. “are you trying to piss me off?” he leaned down and whispered into my ear. “no,” i gulped. “you were flirting with that guy,” “matt i just smiled.” “we’re going home, come on.” he grabbed my hand.

the car ride was silent. matt was on his phone making the back of the SUV slightly light up. i looked out the window, mostly trying to notfall asleep.

matt pressed the button for the elevator. he stood there my heels in his hand while looking down at the marbled floor on the lobby floor.

the elevator opened, no one inside. we both walked in. matt pressed the number for our apartment before leaning his head against the wall behind him, closing his eyes. he looked so sexy, his jawline was sharp as fuck, his long hair falling over his eyes and his tie wrapped around his shoulders, he took it off when we got in the car. i pressed the emergency button making the elevator immediately stop. matt’s eyes darted open. he looked at me.

“why’d you stop the elevator y/n?” he groaned. “why are you so overly protective with me matt?” “you know i don’t flirt with guys especially in front of you, you love to make shit up did you see me flirt with that bartender?” “i simply smiled at him as a nice human does,” i crossed my arms. matt rolled his eyes. “what would you like to pretend that i don’t care?” “y/n, you think i care about who you flirt with?” “i actually couldn’t care fucking less, i just you know like to make this marriage look a little bit realistic,” he leaned over and re-pressed over apartment floor button. the elevator began moving again. “this marriage would be a little realistic when i have people over for you to not be fucking some girl,” i looked down at my nails. “what’d say?” “you heard me loud and clear,” the elevator doors opened. “thanks for holding my heels baby.” i grabbed the heels from his hand and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek just to piss him off even more.

i made my way to my room before matt grabbed my arm turning me around. “who do you think you are?” matt asked. i shrugged my shoulders before turning back around. “y/n!” matt yelled, pulling me back and pressing me against the wall beside us. “come on baby, tell me,” matt roughly held my waist. “i’m your wife matt,” i looked up at him. “your my wife y/n and i would like if you actually listened to me when i talked to you,” his grip on my hips became softer. “i’m sorry, i promise i’ll listen better next time daddy,” i batted my eyelashes. his eyes rolled into the back of my head. “i’m going to bed.” he backed away from me. “sweet dreams husband.”

after the little scene matt made, i changed out of my dress and walked into the kitchen to find a snack to eat.

i sat myself down at the kitchen island, a bowl of ice cream in front of me, my phone in my left hand, the spoon in my right. i had been thinking of eating this ice cream all day and now i finallygot a chance.

i was nearly half way through the bowl before shirtless matt walked into the kitchen, he had those plaid pj pants he loved with of course the waist band of his boxers sticking out. i rolled my eyes before focusing back onto the ice cream. i could hear matt open the fridge. i quickly looked at his back. it was so defined, his tattoos making it way hotter that it actually had to be.

“do we have any spare batteries anywhere?” i spoke. matt turned around, opened-water bottle in his hand. “why?” he asked. “for my vibarator,” i popped the spoon into my mouth. matt choked on his water. “do you know?” i asked. he cleared his throat. “yeah, there’s some in the uh-in my office on my desk.” he swallowed. “okay thanks!” i cheekily smiled. matt mumbled something i couldn’t make out before walking back to his room.

i opened matt’s office door to find him sitting on one of the couch’s controller in his hand playing his playstation. hm coincidence.

“sorry i just need to grab those batteries,” i walked past him and looked around his desk. i couldn’t see them. “matt where are they?” i turned around and looked at him. “they should be there,” he said not taking his eyes off the tv. i rolled mine while looking back down at the desk. “matt it’s an empty packet,” i held it up. he finally looked at me.“oh shit yeah- i was just being a nice husband, i already put the batteries in for you there sweetheart,” he flashed me a smile before looking back at the tv. i stomped over right infront of him. “i can’t see the tv princess,” “pause it then,” i bit the inside of my cheek. he paused it, placing the controller beside him. “you went through my stuff?” “you held my viborator!” “yeah, it was a nice one,” he smirked at me. “what the fuck!” “your insane!” i yelled. “eh,” “i’m not that bad love.” he opened his legs, man spreading.

i exhaled. “why would you think that would be a good idea?” i put a hand through my hair. “it was a nice gesture, don’t you think?” he poked the inside of his cheek with his tongue. i groaned. “it’s fucking weird!” “your not even my real husband!” “well if this makes you feel any better i did it so it would make the marriage more realistic,” he titled his head at me. “don’t bring that shit back up matt!” i whimpered.

“come on, it’s okay,” matt pulled himself more towards me. he placed his hands on my waist while looking up at me. “matt what are you doing?” i groaned. “it’s okay.” he pressed his warms lips against my stomach. i slowly closed my eyes. his lips stayed on my stomach while he slipped a finger up my shorts and into my underwear. he slid his finger into my soaking core. i let out a moan. he moved his finger inside me. after a few seconds his finger left me. i opened my eyes. his finger in his mouth. “oh fuck, you taste good,” he moaned. “let me eat you out,” he pulled me by the waistband of my shorts towards him making me fall down onto his lap. i quickly felt how hard he was underneath me. “lay there,” he said moving the controller onto the coffee table in front of us. i nodded my head. i layed myself down. matt licked his lips before pulling my shorts and underwear off. he placed himself between my legs. he was quick to slowly suck my clit. i cried out. “all you do is touch yourself y/n, i bet your dying for this,” matt groaned against me. he slipped his tongue into my licking up all my juices like it’s the best thing he’s every tasted. my hands were pulling onto his hair while parting my mouth open in pleasure. “ma-matt!” i cried out. “nearly there baby?” he pulled away from me making his warm breath hit off the pool he was between. “mhm.” i mumbled.

matt gave me one long stride between my folds before pulling away from me. i opened my eyes and whined. i was on the edge of coming. “i wanna fuck you,” matt said feeling his hard on through his pants. “okay-okay.” i breathed out. “not here, in my room.”

matt placed me down onto his bed, his lips softly meeting mine. we’ve kissed before around people but not alone, it felt so much more different this time.

“you on the pill?” he asked pulling his boxers down. i nodded my head. “i’m gonna fuck you without a condom cause to be fair, i don’t really care if i get you pregnant, your my wife after all.”

matt was inside me, not moving. i was trying to adjust his size. “you can do it, i know you can, matt whispered into my ear. “mhm,” i mumbled. he started to move inside me slowly but then started to pick it up. his arm was hovering over me, grabbing the headboard for support “fuckkkkkkk,” he moaned. “y/n, i’m gonna fuck you until the sun rises okay?” he grunted. “y-yeah.” i let out. “such a girl good for me.” he placed a kiss to my lips. his necklace that had a horse pendant was dangling over me, i got him it for his birthday that he claimed to only wear when we have to put our act on but he wears it all time.

i clenched around matt for like the 4th time in the last 2 and half hours.

matt dropped himself down beside me. “it gets better every fucking time y/n i swear.” matt said before sucking a nipple into his mouth. “mhm, i know baby.” i closed my eyes and put a hand through his hair and down his neck.

he popped my nipple out of his mouth before looking up at me. “you wanna order food, we can fuck inbetween don’t worry, i just hungry as fuck when i have sex,” he leaned his chin between the gaps my boobs. “yeah i could eat something i’m starving,” i ran my hand over his cheek. “your choice to pick.” he said before kissing my lips and getting up to throw his pj pants back on. i looked up at him sprawled out on his bed, naked. “am i the only girl you’ve had in this bed?” i asked. “pretty much,” he grabbed his t-shirt from the ground. “i feel special,” i grinned. he jokingly rolled his eyes. “don’t worry, not gonna happen again,” “that’s what you say until you hear me moan your name while my vibartor is between my thighs,” i sat up. “you think of me?” he chuckled. i nodded my head. “my wife actually thinks of me while masturbating, im a lucky man.”

“yeah, no more sex.” i spoke before rolling my eyes.

[crappymixtape]

love will keep us alive

BONUS V2 OF A REQUEST → ❝ angst prompt: “do you regret it?” this has been sitting in my drafts for LITERAL MONTHS and i just need to set it freeeee | ( 1.3k – a sprinkle of angst, a sprinkle of fluff, all the feelings, established relationship, eddie x reader )

L O V E W I L L K E E P U S A L I V E 🎶 love you, flowerovlove

You knew money was always a dealbreaker for relationships. You watched it happen with your own parents. Watched them go through it all and in the end get divorced because your dad spent too much money and your mom couldn’t handle it. You promised yourself you wouldn’t get into the same situation, not with Eddie, but here you were.

Paying for rent and utilities had been fine, you put a little gas in the car when you could, and you were even able to buy a six pack of beer every now and then, but somehow this month you were short. Somehow the water bill came and there wasn’t enough.

The statement came in the mail with big red letters stamped across the front, OVERDUE, but Eddie waved you off.

Don’t we have it on autopay, babe? Must be a mistake.

So you left it alone, but when you woke up in the morning to take a shower before work? Nothing came out of the shower head.

Towel tucked under your arms you stormed out into the living room, cold and angry, to find Eddie posted up on the couch. So casual. Reading a Thrasher magazine with the TV on in the background.

“So. The water’s off,” your tone was short, clipped and sharp enough to pull Eddie’s attention away from the magazine. Brows pinching together in confusion as he swung his legs off the couch to look at you properly.

“Huh? Sweetheart, what d’you mean off?“ he asked, looked up at you with those big brown eyes and you bit your lips in to try and stop yourself from raising your voice.

“The water is off, as in the water company turned it off,” you said again, frustration swelling in your chest, “I thought you said it was on autopay?”

“Well, yeah,” he started off confidently, so sure. “We set that up when we moved in and put it in your name and–” but he drifted off at the end of his sentence and his cheeks grew warm. Hot and embarrassed and he buried his face in his hands with a groan.

You’d split the utilities up when you two moved in together, especially since you had separate bank accounts, and as Eddie ticked them off in his head – internet, garbage, phone – he realized the water wasn’t under your name. It was under his. And this month had been tight.

Working at the bar was decent most of the time. Tips were good and Eddie’s regulars took care of him, but lately? It has been really slow. Slower than usual and it was hard for Eddie to remember to save during times like that.

No grabbing coffee on his way out in the morning. No beers with Steve after he got done at family video. No buying the kids new dice or a playbook for Hellfire, but he always got caught up in the moment and shit. This time he’d lost track.

“I’m so sorry babe,“ his voice was muffled as he spoke into his hands, tentatively lifting his head to look at you, “Can we maybe cover it from your account this month?“

You felt your cheeks grow hot, heat spreading from your chest across your neck and up to your ears. Your lips twisted with a frown, a deep scowl, so damn frustrated and tired of looking at your bank account and seeing five dollars left.

“No! We can’t! There’s no money there either,” you sighed, emotions starting to get the better of you as your throat grew tight and it just felt so off.

You were standing in the living room with nothing but a towel on. Any other time Eddie would’ve been on you in a second. Wrapping his arms around you and pulling you down into his lap. Pressing his lips to your neck, your collarbone and the curves of your hips, but instead you were arguing.

Eddie felt his chest squeeze with guilt, with the weight of all this stupid responsibility and the fact that it was all his fault. He was your boyfriend! He was supposed to take care of you! You were in this together and yet he wasn’t holding up his side of the deal and you were so upset and late for work and fighting and–

He swallowed thick, Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat, chewed his bottom lip between his teeth and held his breath.

“D’you regret it?” he asked, deep, brown eyes, flicking up to meet your own so hurt and sad, so fucking sorry.

Your stomach twisted. Flipped over with his question and your expression softened, “Regret it?“

“Yeah. Do you regret me?“

And with those four little words you felt your anger start to ebb.

Yeah. You were standing in your living room with just a towel on. No running water. Late for work and five dollars in your bank account, but the way he was looking at you made you hesitate. Had you sounded like you were done? Done enough that he thought you didn’t want to be with him anymore? And that’s when something in you shifted.

Your parents weren’t good for each other and your dad spent too much money and it made your mom so angry, but that wasn’t the only thing.

He didn’t listen to her.

Didn’t stay up late when she was worried and couldn’t sleep.

Didn’t run out to get a box of tampons when she got her period.

Didn’t ask her about her day and didn’t rub her feet and didn’t surprise her with pizza after a shitty day at work.

Didn’t tell her how much he loved her every single day. Didn’t kiss her once as he went out the door and again when he came back in to say how much he already missed her.

Eddie loved you, and yeah you were short on money, but you weren’t short on love. And at the end of the day? Even though love didn’t pay the bills, it sure as hell would help you figure it out. Because while money came and went, this kind of love didn’t.

Crossing the room still in your towel, you sat down next to Eddie on the couch. Took his hand in yours and held it tightly in your lap. “Eddie,” you said softly, taking his chin in your free hand and tilting it up so you could see him. “I would never regret this,” you said, hoping he understood just how serious you were. Hoping you heard every word you said, knowing that you meant it. “I just wish I could take a shower,“ you half-joked and he snorted, but then dropped his gaze back down to your hands.

God, the guilt was heavy.

“I’m really fucking sorry, babe.”

“S’okay,” you smiled, pressed a hand to his cheek and pulled his eyes back up to meet yours. “You just can’t buy the kids any more dice and you definitely don’t need any more manuals for hellfire. And maybe you can start learning how to brew your own beer?“ your tone teased him at the end and it pulled a little laugh out of him. “We’ll figure it out, right?”

“Yeah. I can pick up extra shifts at the bar and I’ll start putting my tips in a jar under the bed. A little savings in case the water gets turned off again,” he gave you a half-grimace, half-smile, “Too soon?”

“Too soon.”

“Sorry–listen–I’m part of this relationship too and I just wanna take care of you, honey,” and the way he was looking at you told you he couldn’t have been more serious.

“You always take care of me,“ you said leaning into him, resting your forehead against his and those unruly curls, “And I don’t regret it, Eds. Not even a little bit. “

And then Eddie closed the gap between you. Pressed his lips soft to yours in a quiet promise. Felt something plant itself in his chest and start to bloom and in that moment he knew he wanted to grow and not stay stagnant.

“I love you, sweetheart. I love you so damn much."

crappymixtape™ • eddie munson masterlist // stranger things masterlist

[muzaktomyears]

Mimi's views on Cynthia:

(...) [Mimi] told me how strict John was with Julian, especially at meals. If he didn’t behave, or refused to eat something on his plate, John would have none of it and would pick him up and put him to bed in the back bedroom. Just for the record, Mimi thought it all a bit harsh but John refused to put up with bad manners. She, of course, blamed any bad manners that Julian had on Cyn, since she was with the boy 99% of the time. Mimi said his eating habits were atrocious, all sodas and candy. Not surprising, also Cyn’s fault.

---

Mimi had never really been fond of Cynthia. She felt she had chased John throughout the years, and had purposely gotten herself pregnant in order to “trick him” into marrying her. But more than Cynthia, she disliked Cynthia’s mother. Mrs. Powell was “pushy” and had to be involved in everything, according to Mimi. Even the last time we discussed the subject, she insisted that the marriage might have lasted if John and Cyn could have lived alone without her mother constantly being there. John eventually had enough and purchased a small cottage for her not far from Kenwood but Mrs. Powell insisted on spending her time at the house where she could better enjoy John’s money.

---

She told of the Art School days and the many times Cynthia would walk by the house in Woolton, hoping to see John while he would be upstairs hiding. She insisted Cyn had chased after him and had even asked Mimi for permission to marry him, when John was just 20 and would need a parent or guardian to sign for him. Mimi refused. When John did finally admit to her that Cynthia was pregnant and they would be marrying, Mimi gave it to him with both barrels. How could Cynthia know she was pregnant to soon? She would hardly be a month along. Where did they expect to live? How did he think he could support a family? On and on it went until John stormed out.

Mimi had no intention of attending the wedding and neither did anyone else in the family. The night before the wedding, John came to her in tears. He didn’t want to get married. He was too young. He had to find a way out. But even then she had no sympathy for him. He’d laid in his bed and now he had to make it.

---

(...) She did actually feel sorry for Cynthia living in the big house, more or less alone, she said. And when John wasn’t touring, he’d be working in the studio and come home exhausted. Cyn, on the other hand, wanted to go out and Mimi said she would often come downstairs dressed to the nines, looking quite lovely, and hoping for an evening on the town but John would be too tired.

Mimi warned him that he had to be more attentive to his wife.

---

[1975:]

She’d received a letter from a fan who had been visiting Cyn. “Well, she [the fan] indicated that Cyn didn’t want her address known. [She] knew but couldn’t tell me as, more or less, it was private. It irritated me. There’s no need for anyone connected with the Beatles to hide; one never hears of them, only an occasional mention. So she is quite safe. What an irritating letter to write. She could see Cyn had had her share of worry, etc. And [she] feels so bad that I don’t see Julian and no wonder Cyn wants seclusion in this world. Really such rubbish! It’s entirely Cyn’s own fault. Seclusion! Bah!”

---

[a letter dated 19th June, 1981:]

“7p.m. last night the phone went, I was half expecting an American voice, but no – It was definitely a L’pool voice. Slightly, but L’pool anyway. I knew it was not my family, we all have the similar voice. I kept saying who? Who? Who are you? Then I nearly dropped dead (kidding). The voice said ‘It’s Cyn’. I could hardly believe it. She started to tell me about Twist, marriage finished, he’d had 3 affairs, one after another. Apart from that I don’t know what the call was for. So taken aback that ME, Mimi, didn’t say anything. She would come down, see me, etc. etc. and – I’m not much wiser. Since then I’ve been so puzzled, wondering why she phoned me. I didn’t even get her phone no., or address, and no idea how to get it unless I try enquiries. She may not be under Twist… I wouldn’t put it past her to use Lennon. Think I’ll try. I want to ask her why she phoned, any reason especially. Can there be any motive? She’s determined to keep in the news one way or another. It’s puzzling, but I would not be any use to her.

“I know Cyn says she wants to hide away. God knows why. All the time she gets in touch with the press…I know she does not like [fans] and until I picked all the fan letters out of the dustbin and answered them, every fan letter was destroyed. So I answered which infuriated her, but I didn’t care. The girls got an answer. John knew nothing about it.”

(...)“Just talking to Anne [Mimi's sister]. She said ‘don’t bother finding where Cyn is. There’s some motive why she phoned after all these years. She could have phoned in Dec. And why these undying declarations of great love for John.’ If that was so, why chase the Italian, who by the way is totally ignored. She’s had 2 husbands since John. Anne feels there is money in it. Some funny business going on. I’m not interested in any money. It’s bad enough he’s gone.

“It’s not a good example to Julian to encourage him to go into pubs. He does not impress me at all. Seems lazy and aimless trying to cash in on his father’s image. John said he had no brain. Sounds as though he was right. Cyn should direct him to doing something instead of hanging around doing absolutely nothing. She trying to be the same age in outlook. It can’t be done. She’s to blame for him being aimless, but there’s no time for children when you’re looking for new husbands, and looking for a good time.”

---

We got into one of our first disagreements that night [during her 1981 visit to Mimi's house]. Talking about John and his divorce from Cynthia, she mentioned that Cyn hadn’t deserved the money he’d been forced to give her as a settlement. I believe the figure we were discussing was £150,000 and she thought that was far too much. I tried to explain that considering she’d been there from the beginning and through the lion’s share of Beatlemania, she deserved a far greater portion of his income than that. Nope. Cyn had cheated on John first, Mimi reasoned, so it wasn’t as if she’d won the pools. That was a familiar argument and I realized she was using John’s argument, almost word for word.

That’s the night she told me how John had come down to see her, and “sitting right in that chair” had told her that he had found out that Cynthia had been cheating on him with “the Italian” and he had literally cried when he said he was getting a divorce. To this day, I have no idea who cheated on whom first, but I eventually held my tongue and the £150,000 settlement dispute was eventually forgotten; at least for the time being.

---

Marie had been to Beatlefest in New York. She had phoned me while there to inform me that Cynthia was there selling copies of her art from her first book. I think this might have been the first of several trips to Beatlefest for Cyn. (…)

The only thing I remember is she called to tell me that she told Cyn that she knew the former president of the Cyn Lennon Beatle Club and did Cyn think she might ever go to Minnesota?

As I recall it, Cyn replied “Why would I ever go to Minnesota?” Well, why, indeed. Unless, of course, she wanted to continue to sell copies of old lithographs at $30 a pop.

Needless to say, Mimi didn’t take the news well at all.

“[Marie] nearly fell over herself telling me about Cyn selling at a Beatlefest or whatever you call those things. I couldn’t believe it! Whatever is she thinking?!!... It’s incredible, undignified, and degrading, to me anyway but then I’m not trying to cash in or seeking publicity. If I had been a cast off wife or mistress I think I would have kept quiet and out of sight especially with two husbands still hanging around somewhere. I’d laugh my head off if they decided to cash in as well. Heaven knows there’s no knowing what people will do for money. And they have a story as well….. Kathy, I’m half sorry for Cyn. I wonder how and what prompted her to leave herself open to criticism and remarks by people. I phoned my sister and Liela… they say she’s desperate for notice, and what’s more likely looking for another—er—husband over there. That’s the most likely place .What do you bet? Altho I hope she won’t be so silly. I don’t think she can help it. We’ll see. She could not have sold all those drawings at the exhibition, or perhaps she did more for the Beatlefest…I never saw anything arty she ever did, so have no idea…”

[A letter dated 26th October, 81:]

“I was sorry to hear Cyn was renting a table to sell things. How could she do such a thing! Joining that jamboree. It’s bound to cause some unfavourable comments. As to why, apart from the obvious. Here’s the latest rolling in millions and the first, 14 years almost after the divorce, and two further husbands (still about somewhere) renting a table to sell things – I really am sorry she did it. She was a very wealthy woman. I hope she’s still got some of it left. It makes one think she’s cashing in on the Lennon name for money. Perhaps I’m too old fashioned. Your note may have cheered her up for I can’t think she was very happy standing there, money or no money. It makes me cringe… Whatever Cyn may say I think she’s lonely and realises she was a fool… to be photographed with May Pang and I hear staying with her (if it’s true) well, it’s rock bottom. I hope she made some money to compensate her for what I think was an undignified escapade. Of course it’s only my opinion. I may be entirely wrong altogether. Better if I am wrong.”

The Guitar’s All Right as a Hobby, John, Kathy Burns (2014)

[lheewonz]

My Future Is Yours ╱╱ 종성 ✧ p.js

synopsis :: ceo’s son!jay x male!reader go on vacation in paris

“summertime is meant to fall in love”

The city is too big. Too many interruptions, too many people.

So Jay takes you on vacation, just the two of you, just how he likes it.

warning :: mentioned arranged marriage, implied homophobia

word count :: 5.5k

“There’s only one bed?” Your voice comes out a little louder than intended.

“Uhm, yea.” Jay’s eyes flick towards you almost nervously. “This is my parents anniversary vacation home, they don’t usually take me with them.”

“Ew, don’t tell me that.”

“Don’t worry I had the sheets and mattress changed. If it’s a problem I can find us a hotel instead?”

“No.” You turn away from the bed and instead choose to focus on starting to unpack the small amount of stuff you had. “We just haven’t shared a bed since high school. I’m being weird, don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.” He sounds weirdly relieved and also starts unpacking. Jay looks over to the small space I put my stuff in. “I can’t believe you didn’t know we were staying for a month.”

You scoff at him. “I can’t believe you forgot to let me know we were staying for a month.”

“This is why I tell you to pack early.”

“It’s fine, I’ll just steal your clothes.” Out of the corner of your eye, you can see the way Jay lets a small smile grace his face at your words. A ding sounds off in the somewhat quiet room, and Jay picks it up. A couple of seconds later he aggressively taps on the screen before tossing it onto the bed. “Who was it?”

“My dad.”

“Is he bothering you about the company?”

“Kind of... He wants me to get married.” It’s silent after he says that. You stop what you’re doing and stare at him as if he’s grown two heads, a pit of dread fills your stomach.

“What?”

Jay sighs, “He’s trying to arrange a marriage with one of our stronger affiliate companies for more money.” You sit down on the bed, trying to wrap your head around the situation. The idea of Jay getting married, for any reason, filled you with negative emotions you didn’t even want to try deciphering.

“But you’re only 21? I thought your dad was reasonable.”

Jay scoffs. “He can be anything, but reasonable sometimes. He told me by the time he was 21 he had already met and planned to marry my mom. And ‘You should’ve settled down already’.” Jay mocks his father’s voice. He shakes his head and finishes putting the rest of his clothes in the drawers. “Mind if we skip dinner tonight? I need to sleep on this.”

“Oh, yea no that’s fine. I’m pretty tired anyway. Do you want your honey?’ You lean down to fish it out of your bag since Jay’s own bag had been filled with other necessities. You hold it out to him, he sends you a small smile and takes it from you.

“Thanks.”

“Of course.”

After the both of you wash up and fix your luggage so no one falls, you settle into bed beside each other. In the darkness you stare at the ceiling, laying as straight as you can so you don’t disturb Jay when he's sleeping. You can hear clicks of the honey cap opening and closing until about 15 minutes later, Jay’s breathing evens out.

You wait a few minutes to make sure he’s really asleep before sitting up and pulling out your laptop. You spend less than 10 minutes finding a mall you think Jay will enjoy going to, to take his mind off the arranged marriage situation. After calculating how far away it was from the house and planning how long to be gone, you shut down the laptop and set it aside.

As you lay down to sleep the last thought on your mind is about the sour feelings you had gotten when Jay mentioned marriage.

Aside from that, the first couple of days of your and Jay’s trip was uneventful but peaceful. They were mainly spent shopping and then visiting tourist attractions before dinner. You had quickly gotten over the slight awkwardness at having to share a bed with Jay, especially when you had woken up randomly on the 4th night with him draped across your back, his arms encircling you loosely.

It had felt warm, and incredibly domestic, and in your sleepy haze, you had turned over in his arms to bury your face into his neck and go back to sleep. When you had woken up again, Jay had surprised you with breakfast in bed that he made himself. While you ate, Jay listed off tourist attractions to visit for the day, and then make reservations at some fancy, expensive restaurant.

You had quickly gotten used to this new routine, already having an attraction picked out when Jay had woken you that morning: the Eiffel Tower.

The morning seemed to drag on forever. Jay had proposed visiting the shopping center again that morning before the Eiffel Tower, and of course, you couldn’t say no. He pulled you in the direction of multiple shops he hadn’t had the chance to visit the first time and basically exhausted you with all the running around that was happening.

You had paused in front of a store to catch your breath while Jay went on ahead. As you were hunched over and heaving for air, the light reflecting off of something shiny caught your eye and you realized you were standing in front of a jewelry store. The glinting light attracted your attention once more and you walk closer to the display window.

A pair of silver rings glint once more under the light.

The rings make you smile and for a moment you try to remember how it feels to want to have a future with someone. Instead, you remember how once upon a time you did want to have a future with someone, only for them to ruin your life. Now the only person in your life you couldn’t imagine continuing on without was Jay. The same man who was currently running at you with a speed you didn’t know he possessed.

“Woah-“ You hold your arms out to catch him as he barrels into you after tripping over a loose stone.

“Sorry.” Jay looks to the side at the display window and then back at you. “We have to go Y/n. I want to go to a couple more shops and then we’re going to the tower.”

You groan again, knowing that means you’ll be dragged around again, but at least you’re a couple of stores closer to where you want to be. As Jay pulls you along, he takes one last long glance at the jewelry store, as if committing it to memory, and then fully sprinting away with you in hand.

The sprinting doesn’t stop until you get back to the vacation home after taking as many pictures as you had storage for in front of the Eiffel Tower.

The two of you had ended up staying outside almost all day. Instead of going to one of the fancy restaurants Jay seemed to adore, the both of you had walked around exploring the Parisian street food and Jay got to show off his French skills, smiling bashfully at the compliments he received.

You were absolutely exhausted and napped as soon as you had laid your head onto your pillow. A couple of hours later you wake up to Jay walking back into the room hiding something in his hands, but when you open your mouth to ask, he shushes you and you chalk it up to be nothing and decide to just go to sleep for the night.

The next day you forego visiting a tourist attraction, social battery burnt out from all the random chatter you partook in at all the other sites and all the late night dinners.

Jay sits on the edge of the bed, laptop in his hands as he looks up places to get lunch from. You lay across the bed behind him, holding your switch above your face playing Animal Crossing.

The silence is comfortable, the two of you just basking in each other’s presence. Occasionally you open your mouth to curse Tom Nook’s name and Jay would chuckle, but otherwise, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Eventually, your stomach growls loudly and you groan. “When’s the food going to be here?”

“Should be about 20 minutes.” You groan louder in response, tossing the switch off to the side annoyed and bored.

Your eyes close to think. Not about anything in particular, but you find your thoughts drifting to Jay’s arranged marriage. The sour feeling spreads throughout your chest, but you ignore it. You think about what Jay had relayed to you and an idea pops into your head.

After Jay shuts off the laptop, setting it off to the side, and lays down beside you, you speak. “I’ve been thinking, your dad would call off the marriage if you got a boyfriend, right?”

“Yeah, I guess. What are you suggesting?” Jay looks at you curiously, almost hopeful.

“We’re in Paris, Jay. It has to be named the ‘City of Love’ for a reason.” You choose to ignore the resurfacing sour feelings once more. “I’m sure you could find someone in the 3 weeks we have left here. Someone has to meet your picky standards.”

“Picky?”

You shrug. “You’ve been single for the entire time I’ve known you, I assumed you had way too high standards.”

Jay says nothing. A couple minutes pass and you turn around to see if he somehow fell asleep, only to be startled to find that he’s already staring at you. “What?”

“I’m… in love with someone already.”

Sadness clutches at your heart almost painfully, but you chalk it up to the fact that Jay hadn’t told you about it rather than anything else. “Were you ever going to tell me?”

“Eventually, yes.”

“Okay, well do I know this guy?” You tried to keep your tone light, and neutral, but you weren’t sure how well that was working. Jay nods slowly. “What’s his name?”

Jay takes a deep breath. “Y/n.”

His answer makes your eyes widen. “Oh.”

It’s painfully silent after that. Jay continues staring at you while you look anywhere but at him. Questions build up inside you and threaten to spill past your lips.

“You don’t-” Jay starts to speak, but you can’t stop a question from escaping you.

“When?”

“Huh?”

“When… or how long have you, uhm, loved me?”

Jay takes another deep breath, like it’s almost painful to admit, and sits up. “When you were dating Jihoon. I don’t know if you remember, but we were hanging out after the movies and I asked you why you were with him and you said you didn’t see a good future with him, but ‘Who else would love me like this?’. And I remember being upset and thinking I would love you the way you deserve… That was when I realized.”

Your mouth goes dry and you sit up as well. “That was... 5 years ago Jay.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry, Jay.” The way Jay’s face falls just slightly as if he knew what you were going to say, but still had a little hope, makes your heart break a little. “I can’t say I feel the same. Ever since Jihoon, I’ve never thought of dating.”

The silence returns. You want to say something, but you’re not sure how to make this better. A part of you feels as if you should’ve just accepted his confession, you’ve known Jay for long enough to know that he would be perfect, but you also know that Jay deserves you being genuine with him. A part of you regrets bringing up the topic in the first place. Another part of you thinks that you should explore this.

Dating Jay would be so easy. He already knows almost everything about you (and vice versa), Jay could cook, he was sweet and always considerate of your feelings, and there was no worry about him outing you to your parents as that had already been done (thanks Jihoon). Really there were no cons, except that Jay could realize that dating you maybe wasn’t what he wanted, but he had already been in love with you for 5 years and had constantly seen you at your worst.

Maybe… you should give it a try. The worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work out.

For the entirety of your mental deliberation, Jay has been quiet and staring at the wall just past you. When you look at him you realize that maybe, you had taken a little too long to think. Jay was anxiously fiddling with the cap of his honey bottle.

“I have an idea.” Jay’s eyes focus on you immediately. “I- I wouldn’t be opposed to dating you.”

“But you don’t like me.” Jay shakes his head. “Don’t date me because you feel bad.”

A frown finds its way onto your face. “I wouldn’t do that to you. I didn’t say I would be your boyfriend, just that we should date. Isn’t the whole point of dating trying to find out if a relationship is worth pursuing?”

It’s Jay’s turn to frown. “If you thought I was worth pursuing, you would’ve liked me already.”

“Jay…” You sigh. “You of all people know how things were for me after Jihoon broke up with me. I wasn’t really looking to pursue anything, with anyone. If I had known you had liked me before, maybe we’d dating already.”

He raises an eyebrow at your words. “So, what? You want to… give it a ‘trial run’ or something?”

“Basically.” You shrug. “We still have about 3 weeks left on vacation. We could date for the rest of our vacation and I’ll tell you how I feel.”

Jay thinks and then shakes his head again. “I don’t understand why you’re doing this.”

“Because I don’t want to just move past this without giving it a chance and regretting it later.”

Jay scuffs his feet against the carpet taking his time to think about your proposal. “…What will happen after..? If you don’t like me..?”

“That’s up to you, but I hope we could still be friends after.”

Jay looks you in the eyes, and serious as ever. “I couldn’t live my life without you.”

“I couldn’t live mine without you either.” You hold eye contact with him, noting the very light blush on his cheeks. “So…? Are we doing this?”

A hand comes up to hide the small smile on his face and then goes to rub the back of his neck. “Can I start right now?”

“With what?”

“I want to cuddle with you until the food gets here.”

“We always do that?” You watch him hold his arms out to you and you scoot towards him. It feels just a little bit awkward as his arms wrap around you and pull you closer. He lays down with you in his arms and you can feel the way his breath hits your ear and you can hear how fast his heart is beating.

“It feels different now.”

If you focus enough to distract yourself from the way Jay surrounds you completely, you can feel the way your own heart is beating fast. “Yeah, you’re right.”

The following weeks are… different.

Well, not that different from when they had first arrived, but now that you know how Jay feels, and you’ve both agreed to try dating, everything feels… different. Everything Jay does feels more purposeful in a way. The feeling of being spoiled grows exponentially.

The way Jay has added in light forehead kisses to his routine of waking you up with breakfast ready. The way Jay buys everything you show the slightest amount of interest in. The way Jay insists on you wearing his clothes for dinner. The way Jay cuddles you at night, tightly holding onto you like he’s afraid you’ll be gone when he wakes up.

All the little things he did, that have changed just slightly, and now you can see his intentions.

Eventually, you run out of places you want to visit, so instead the both of you start to spend your days tangled up in each other. Sometimes you’re silent, and Jay checks his emails maybe even getting a little work done (so he’s not terribly behind when the both of you finally go back) while you play games or nap beside him. Other times the both of you sit on the balcony, huddled up together under a blanket, and talk. Jay would bring out the good wine and you would get a little tipsy, giggling into each other before dinnertime.

After a longer day of drinking on the balcony, you end up skipping dinner and settling in with Jay to sleep. You fell asleep to Jay stroking your hair and whispering words that made you blush lightly into your ear, the last thought on your mind being "I don’t want this to end".

It wasn’t until the next morning that you started thinking about how you felt. You had woken up first for a change and quickly turned off Jay’s alarm to let the pretty boy beside you sleep longer. As you shifted around in the bed, Jay’s grip on you tightened and you stopped to look and see if you had woken him. All you saw was his pouting sleeping face. Your smile is involuntary and you reach over to brush the hair out of his face before managing to maneuver yourself out of his arms and replace yourself with a pillow.

Quietly, you walk into the kitchen, after brushing your teeth and washing your face, determined to surprise Jay for a change, despite your lack of cooking experience. How hard can it be?

Surprisingly, you made it through the eggs okay, all that was left was to actually finish cooking the rest of them after your little test to see if you seasoned them right. You decided to put the eggs on the stove to cook and then turn your focus to mixing the waffle batter, which would be the worst idea you’ve had in a while.

Ten minutes later the fire alarm goes off after you’ve left the eggs on the stove for far too long while you were trying to fix the waffle batter that was way too watery. Jay slowly walks into the kitchen, still sleepy and extremely confused, as you just stare at the burning eggs. He reaches around you to turn off the stove, picks up the pan, and puts it in the sink, letting the water run. He shuffles back to you and wraps his arms around your waist, resting his head against your shoulder. “If you were hungry, why didn’t you wake me up?”

“I wanted to surprise you…” Jay frowns at your dejected tone and runs a hand up and down your back comfortingly. “I’m sorry.”

“The batter looks-“

You shake your head, interrupting him. “It’s too watery. I kept adding flour to make it better, but then there was too much flour, so I put more water and now it’s too watery and there’s too much batter.”

Jay’s silent for a moment and then he pulls back. He angles your head down and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Thank you for trying. Do you want to clean up and then go to the cafe for breakfast?”

“I’m paying.” Jay opens his mouth to protest, but you cut him off before he can speak. “I want to pay, please?”

“Fine.”

The two of you get to work, Jay cleaning the numerous amount of utensils and bowls you used, while you cleaned up the rest of the kitchen, somehow managing to find flour in random cracks and crevices. Afterward, Jay pulls you into the bedroom and tosses one of his hoodies at you.

“Why’d you tell me to pack clothes if you were just gonna make me wear yours.”

Jay shrugs. “I can’t help what I like. Do you want to walk to the-?”

“Yes.” You cut him off by accident, blushing at the way he raises his eyebrow at your eagerness. “…I want to hold your hand.”

Jay laughs at your shyness. “We can still hold hands in the car?”

“I know, but it’s… different. Shut up.” His laughter grows louder. You slip his hoodie on over your shirt and leave the room to wait by the door and put your shoes on. Minutes later Jay comes out wearing a hoodie and sweatpants like you, his shoes already on.

He grabs the house keys and then reaches for your hand. “If you get tired, I’m not carrying you back.”

You scoff at him as he opens the door, pulling you through it. “You will.”

“I will.” He agrees and smiles at you. It’s then, looking at his smiling face, that you realize just how much you like him and how you were stupid to not realize it earlier. The way your mood soured when Jay mentioned the possibility of an arranged marriage. There was a very fine line between cuddling as friends and cuddling as friends that liked each other, and you were certain that you and Jay had crossed that line numerous times over the years. The way you had felt about Jay had been pretty set in stone for over 4 years, and yet it was only now that you were realizing those feelings weren’t just admiration or platonic love, but genuine like (or love considering it’s been 4 years).

The walk to the cafe continues in silence as you think about the man next to you. The past 2-3 weeks have made you realize just how blind you’ve been. It had been such a shock to you when Jay had first told you how he felt, but as you walk, it hits you that the way he’s been treating you hasn’t changed, aside from his touches becoming more confident after he confessed.

You remember how he used to hover around you, even before the two of you became such good friends. Every memory of the beginnings of your friendship that you can think of involve Jay around you in some capacity, seemingly desperate to be in your space, despite him only being friends with other mutual friends at the time. You squeeze his hand, smiling when he reciprocates, reminiscing on how far the both of you have come in 6 years.

The bell of the cafe startles you out of your memories. Jay greets one of the workers with a wave and he pulls you to a secluded booth in the back and you sit face to face. Seconds later the employee Jay waved at brings your food and you raise your eyebrow at him.

“I may have called beforehand.”

You squint at him, “Did you pay beforehand?” All of a sudden Jay seems to find the menu more interesting than your conversation. You scoff at him and pull your hand out of his grasp.

“No- Wait, I’m sorry.” He reaches for your hand again, but you scoot further into the booth away from him. “Y/n…” He scoots towards you, but you scoot away again. “Come back.”

You give him the stink eye, “No. Stay over there.”

Jay, of course, does not listen and it turns into the two of you scooting around the booth, circling each other. The food is starting to get cold, and it seems there’s no end to this, until- “Y/n, baby, please.”

The pet name makes you pause, your hands coming up to conceal the blush spreading across your cheeks, and seconds later Jay’s arms encircle your waist. “Got you.”

You roll your eyes at his smug tone and then reach across the table to grab your food. “You want me so bad.”

“I do.”

“I know that… now.” You rest your head on his shoulder. “I was thinking about how you used to follow me around, earlier.”

Jay barks out a laugh at that, briefly attracting the attention of the other cafe customers. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“You’re finally making progress after 6 years, how do you feel?” You hold your fist up to his mouth as if you were holding a mic.

“Can I be honest?”

“Always.”

“Like I want to kiss you.” Your eyes widen a bit. “Can I?”

You stumble over your words as you respond. “I- Yea. Yes, you don’t have to ask.”

Jay’s hand finds your chin and tilts your head up to face him. Your heart pounds as he leans in and you forget that you’re out in public. His lips meet yours and you almost forget to breathe. The kiss is special, but not special in a way that you felt sparks fly, more so that kissing Jay felt so natural, like a piece of you that you didn’t realize was missing until you had it. The kiss is a chaste one, not lasting very long, and as soon as Jay pulls away you lean in for another peck.

You settle down against his shoulder and finally start eating your, now cold, breakfast sandwich. Beside you, Jay can’t stop smiling. “Eat your food. I woke up too early for this.”

“You can nap if you want to, I know you woke up earlier than usual. You even turned off my alarm.”

“You drank more than I did, I wanted you to rest.” You shrug, taking another bite of your sandwich. “I thought you said you weren’t going to carry me.”

Jay finally takes a bite of his own breakfast. “I changed my mind. I might get weird looks, but I’d rather you get as much rest as you can.”

You finish up the last couple bites of your sandwich and then interlace your fingers with his as you close your eyes. “If you insist.”

“Y/n? Are you awake?” Jay's voice calls out to you softly from above. Your eyes stay closed and you only hum in response. A sigh leaves you when you feel Jay’s hand start to card through your hair. “Wake up, it’ll be time for dinner soon.” With your eyes still closed you pout, irritated at the thought of having to get up, and Jay laughs softly. Seconds later you feel his lips brush against your forehead. “Okay, I’ll cancel the reservation.”

The resulting small smile on your face must look silly because Jay laughs louder this time. Your smile grows a bit wider when Jay kisses your cheek, and wider when he does it again, until you’re laughing and he’s pressed kisses all over your face. After a few minutes, Jay pauses and you take the time to calm yourself and mentally prepare to open your eyes. A few more minutes pass and you can feel Jay’s stare.

You open your eyes to see Jay lost in thought above you, eyebrows furrowed and lips pouting slightly. You reach up to smooth his wrinkles with your thumb, “What are you thinking about?”

You watch Jay contemplate his answer before he opens his mouth. “Marry me.”

Your eyebrows raise in surprise. Your shocked eyes meet his intense ones, as he stares back at you intently, awaiting your response. A nervous chuckle escapes you, “I feel like you skipped a couple chapters.”

Your nervous tone seems to remind Jay of your current situation and he backtracks quickly. “Not- I didn’t mean right now.” He moves to sit beside you as you sit up to listen to him better. “I would love to marry you one day. It’s just… I’ve been in love with you for so long just asking to be your boyfriend doesn’t feel like enough.” His hand reaches into his pocket and pulls out a box.

He laughs when you shift beside him nervously. “Whatcha got there?”

“Relax, I’m not proposing, yet.” He opens the box to reveal the matching rings you had seen earlier that week. “They’re promise rings.”

“Oh.” You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding.

“I saw you staring at them, and I may have gotten a bit ahead of myself. I bought them while you were sleeping.” Jay holds his hand out for yours, grabbing one of the rings with his other hand. When you place your shaky hand into his, he slips the ring onto your middle finger and presses a kiss to the back of your hand. “I want to promise my future to you. I’m not asking you to promise the same thing, you don’t even have to wear the ring if you don’t want to. Just have it and know that I love you- That I’m in love with you, and there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for you.”

“What if I didn’t want to put a label on us and we just stayed like this? Just Y/n and Jay.” Jay leans forward and presses his forehead against yours.

“That’s okay. My time is yours to waste if you choose to do so.”

You close your eyes and take a moment to process what he says. “That’s dangerous, Jay.”

“I don’t mind anything as long as it’s you.”

“…Then I guess you’re lucky your boyfriend isn’t some psycho who would take advantage of that.”

“Boyfriend?” You feel Jay pull away from you and open your eyes to see his hopeful expression.

“Give me your hand.” You grab the other ring from the box. Jay’s eyes follow as you slip the ring onto his middle finger and then lace your hands together. “I want to promise the world to you. You deserve so much, you’ve been with me through everything. I want to promise my future to you as well…” A long pause follows as you try to find the right words.

Jay closes his eyes, seemingly preparing himself for whatever else you have to say. “But?”

“But I can’t.” He exhales sharply.

“You know better than anyone how I feel about commitment. I really lo-“ You stop short, realizing what you were about to say, and look down to avoid the way Jay’s gaze turned to you quickly. “I, uhm... I really like you, Jay. Even before realizing how I liked you, I never imagined my future without you. So, no, I can’t promise my future to you, yet. But know that I will get there and it won’t be a waste of time and in the meantime I want you to be my boyfriend.”

For a moment it’s like everything stops as Jay processes what you say. He opens his eyes and stares at you first, then lowers his gaze to the rings. “Can I kiss you?”

“I already said you don’t have to ask.”

“Yea, but it’s a serious moment, and I-“

“Jay.” You interrupt what you can tell will develop into a ramble.

“Right.” In no time at all Jay’s lips meet yours, gentle, but filled with passion. He leans forward into the kiss, pushing you backward to lie on the bed. He pulls back slightly, pressing a couple more light kisses to your lips. “Being your boyfriend sounds amazing.”

“Good.” You wrap your arms around his neck and your legs around his torso. “You’re stuck with me.”

Jay’s chuckle makes your face flush. “There’s no one else I’d rather be stuck with.” A quick kiss is pressed on your cheek.

“You should call your dad. Since.. you know.”

“Oh. Right.” Jay rises from the bed and grabs his phone on the way to the bathroom for privacy. You stay laid across the bed and think about the future. A furious blush spread across your cheeks as you remember what Jay had said earlier about marrying you. You can picture your future together already, waking up to him beside you every morning, every anniversary being treated as the most important holiday, adopting together, and having a family.

While you’re lost in thought, smiling to yourself, Jay comes back into the room smiling. He plops down onto the bed beside you. “My dad said he already knew.”

“Then wha-“

“I don’t know, I stopped questioning him a long time ago.” Jay then frowns. “He also said he’ll disown me if I ever break your heart.”

You laugh sharply. “I had a feeling he loved me. No matter how much he acts like he doesn’t.”

“He’s gonna start treating you like you’re his son instead of me.” Jay shifts towards you, resting his head on his hand. “What were you thinking about?”

You sigh softly and turn your head towards him, “Us. The future.”

“You don’t have to think about it too much. I’m willing to wait as long as you need me to.”

You simply smile at him and shrug. “I think I feel good about the future.”

“You do?” You can see the way Jay fails to fight off his smile. “Why?”

“Because it’s with you.” Jay surges forward, capturing your lips once more. The kiss is slow and purposeful. Your hands come up to find purchase in Jay’s hair, trying to pull him closer against you, despite being as close as you can be. The long kiss eventually dissolves into a series of kisses.

“I’m extending our vacation.” He says between kisses.

“Oh? Okay.”

“i’m asking for your love, i don’t wanna go home”

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@jiminzfav-furry @gunilsfurry

a/n :: the rings can look however you want em to look fr fr but these are ones i found n really like.. it took me 2-3 weeks to write this i'm so sick

pls like and reblog!! and give me feedback!! 🫶

[the-no-name-of-nowhere]

This is going to be my thoughts on Emperor Belos, Philip Wittebane, MeltyMcfuckface, or whatever want to call him. Mainly on how he became so fucked in the head.

And why Philip would have killed his brother even if he married a human.

To start with, let’s go with Philip’s story. We all heard it by now so I’m to cover the key points of the story.

Being orphaned at a young age

Moving to Gravesfield

We’re told Caleb and Philip were orphaned when Philip was young. We’re not told though, how this happened but this was during the 1600s, so it probably wasn’t anything pleasant. (They also could have be rich. Caleb and Philip’s clothes looked kind of fancy when they first arrived to Gravesfield compared to the ones they have on later. So money could have been one of the reasons they had to leave their home). Whatever the reason was, it affected Philip gravely.

Then they had to leave their home. Under normal circumstances, kids hate doing that. They have to say goodbye to everything they know, their old home, their friends, everything they grew up with. But the brothers had to leave because they had no parents and they couldn’t stay in their old home. So they had to leave with nothing but each other and the clothes on their back.

Finally they arrived at Gravesfield. They did not receive the warmest welcome from the people of the town. Seeing as the town’s main thing to do was hunt ‘witches’, they most definitely did not trust the two brothers and did nothing for them. Just left them on their own.

When I look back on all the shit that Philip went through, all I think is ‘Wow! This screwed up this lovemap!’

Now you’re wondering what a lovemap is. Well, it’s a mental guide into how you react when giving or receiving love. Like, if someone gave you a hug and you grow up in a house where no one was affectionate with one another, you probably wouldn’t know how to react to it and stand there awkwardly.

The issue with lovemaps is that if something bad happens when the lovemap is forming, which is between the ages of 5 and 8, it will screw the kid for the rest of their life.

And since Philip looks to be around those ages, it’s fair to assume that everything that happened to the brothers: losing their parents, leaving the only home they’ve ever known, and living in a town where no one cared for them, it didn’t leave Philip in the healthiest mind set.

But there was one thing left in Philip’s life, his brother Caleb.

Caleb was always there for Philip, always took care of him. Especially so after their lives were turned upside down.

The issue though is that, after losing so much and being stuck in a new environment, you need something that can bring you comfort, something that makes you feel safe and brings some normality into your life.

For Philip, that was Caleb.

While that would be an alright thing for awhile, it’s always a good thing to try and make friends so ‘the whole latching on to something or someone’ would go away. But since Philip grew up in a full of paranoid nuts, that didn’t happen. So Philip still thought of Caleb that way.

As time went on, it only got worse.

Philip thought of Caleb as most important person to him. Nothing else mattered, no one else mattered like his brother. As long as Philip had Caleb, everything would be alright. If they have each other, nothing was impossible.

To Philip, Caleb was his whole world.

Then Caleb was gone.

He didn’t leave a note or anything behind telling where he went, but Philip knew where his brother was and he knew had to go and save him.

Philip spent months searching for Caleb. He was tired and hungry, but he didn’t stop. He knew if it was the other way around, Caleb would stop at nothing to find him. So Philip had to do the same.

Then he found Caleb.

After searching for so long he finally found him. Philip was so happy, that was about run to his brother, when he spotted her.

The woman that took Caleb away.

What was she still doing with him? She already tricked his brother into coming here. What more could she-

Then he saw her stomach.

It was round.

She was pregnant.

She was pregnant with Caleb’s child.

Why?

Why!

WHY!!!

How could Caleb do this to him!? After everything that has happened, Caleb decided to run off and spend the rest of his life with some. With some WOMAN! Who had not been through the same pain was they went through! So how could Caleb choose her, over staying with his brother!?

As the anger and sadness continued to grow inside him, Philip did something that would forever change him.

Now, after reading all that, you probably noticed that I never once called Evelyn a witch.

That’s because Philip’s hatred towards Evelyn wasn’t because she was a witch.

Sure, a part of Philip wasn’t to thrilled that she was a witch after being stuck in a of witch haters.

But the main reason why Philip hated her was because he didn’t want Caleb to be taken away from him.

Like I said before, after everything that had happened, it mentally screwed Philip up. Since he had Caleb with him however, he was able to stay stable. But it’s been proven time and time again that no one person can do that. Mix that with the fact there was probably no clear visible signs of it or those types of doctors around to help, Philip only got worse. And worse. And worse.

That when Caleb left, Philip almost lost it.

The only reason why he stayed somewhat sane was because he kept telling himself that Caleb hadn’t left him. That, there’s another reason why he was gone. And that, when he finds Caleb, they can figure out what’s going on, fix it, and they can go back to living their lives together.

But when he discovered the reason Caleb was to start a new life without him, all hell broke loose.

With all that being said, it wouldn’t matter who Caleb fell for, witch or human alike, Philip was going to end his brother’s life either way.

Because the thing Philip feared more than anything, was thought of his brother leaving him.

As for the reason why his hatred of witches grew to the point of wanting to destroy every single one of them.

Well, I’ll put it like this,

He had just killed his brother. His brother. His last remaining family. The person who was always there for him, and he KILLED HIM! He couldn’t believe it! He had took his own brother’s life with his own hands!

The pain and guilt felt was too much for him, HE COULDN’T TAKE IT! IT HURT TOO MUCH!

So, he started to blame others for it.

He first blamed the witch that brought his brother here. If she hadn’t gotten in the way, he and his brother would still be living their lives back at home.

Then started to blame all witches internally. If they hadn’t existed in the first place, none of this would be happening.

He even started to blame his own brother. If he hadn’t left him for that witch, he would still be alive! But instead, he chose this…this…

THIS PLACE!

It was this place’s fault!

This cursed realm! If it hadn’t existed in the first place, that witch wouldn’t have existed either. Then she wouldn’t have shown this place to his brother and he wouldn’t have been tempted into coming to this realm.

His brother was too weak willed. He probably couldn’t resist not coming here after that witch filled his head with nothing but lies about how wonderful this place was. And he was too blinded by his so called ‘love’ for the witch to see through them.

His brother was too far gone, this might had been the only way to save him.

Yes. Yes, he had saved his brother.

Now he must make sure no one else would have to go through the same pain he did. By making sure this realm is no more.

And as God as his witness, Belos will not fail.

Anyway this just my 2 cents, do what you will with it.

[hpdfag]

oh my god HII!! i’m back from my break and i’d say i’m actually feeling much better :) how have you been??

thank you for sending something! i promise that you don’t even need to but i was really happy you did even then, it just feels so nice that you put some time into it :} also SEVEN HOUR SHIFTS??? what the fuck are they doing to these poor seventeen sixteen year olds at mcdonald’s oh my god. i’m sure it’s incredibly exhausting?? i mean i don’t know how i’d go through that! but i also feel like the idea of getting “adult money” is quite nice knowing most of our lives even 50 was a lot from our parents, so there’s that. make sure to take breaks to balance that because it looks EXHAUSTING?? And with school even then…at least this year will be shorter for you from what you said i mean!! So good luck managing those hours and school. I won’t lie i’m a bit proud? i hope this doesn’t sound condescending but i just feel happy that you’re doing this step and like…growing up. It’s just something incredibly difficult and complex in my eyes and seeing someone i care about actually do it makes me feel pretty happy with all honesty! I hope you understand what i mean :} i might write another message talking about what else you’ve wrote to me that i couldn’t answer earlier! but for now, i hope you’re doing fine even with the seven hour shifts :}

- 🧶

HIHIHI WELCOME BACK its so good to see you again!!! ive been doing alright, trying to manage work and life and school all at the same time is suck a nightmare v_v;; ive ended up kinda neglecting this account which is so sad cuz my feelings havent changed that much!! im just so tired all tha time ...

and of course of course !! id feel bad not leaving something, especially since i had you on my mind! it just made sense to say something, even if it wasnt a lot haha

and YEAG. YEAHHHGGGG. theyve been fuckinf BRUTAL, ive luckily(?) been out sick the past couple of days since i ran out of my antidepressant and your body does not appreciate going cold turkey on an SSRI at all LMAOAOOAOA ... now im just waiting for the manager to get back to me about my schedule for this week since im feeling msrginally better, i could probably finish a shift in my current state with a lot of caffeine, a zofran, and some ibuprofen LOLOL

and it definitely is nice!! most of the money im making im going to be putting in a savings account for college, since my student aid situation is a lot more confusing than i was expecting it to be .. im not entirely sure how our income is going to be calculated? since we get survivorship benefits after my father passed away, and because of the way that program distributes the money, different government programs count it differently, either taking all the money as a whole and counting it as my mom's income or cutting it up into three chunks and counting it as income for each member of my family.

its all so confusing and means i cant reasonably expect to get much help from the fafsa alone, so i need to save up my own money and start applying for scholarships ASAP!! i could go to community college for the first two years, and im even already accepted at the one nearby, but i'd much rather go to the same school for my full bachelors even if it'll be more expensive.. but who knows!! we'll find out eventually.

and don't worry it doesnt sound condescending at all! im really glad you are, ive been changing so much lately and i always worry that it'll alienate the people i care about, especially everyone ive met thru here </3 and it really means a lot to know you're proud of us !!

[thehomebodydiaries]

homebody diaries .002.

the amount of reading that i’ve been doing lately makes me think of when i first discovered booktube: i learned about all these popular books and i was broke for like a consistent year because i wouldn’t stop buying books, but i only made like $9/hr. even now, with a full-time job that pays me almost twice that much, i still don’t know why that worked out for me. it definitely should not have.

anyway, yesterday was “free comic book day” and a local comic store gave me a bag of like sixteen free comics, and then i turned around and spent $80 on more comics. it also reminded me that i had two comics in my favorite series that i haven’t read yet. so i’ve got volumes 10 and 11 of “saga,” and yesterday i purchased the first volumes of “deadly class” and “something is killing the children,” as well as junji ito’s manga interpretation of mary shelley’s “frankenstein,” and then “old man logan,” which is about an elderly wolverine (whose healing capabilities are faltering) who gets picked up by an old hawkeye. it’s what inspired the movie logan, which is objectively speaking the only good x-men movie (do not come for me, i watched those movies for the first time in release date order like last month ago, and i am lowkey way more into the x-men than i am the rest of the marvel heroes, save for like agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.). i also received a package in the mail containing the fifth book in one of my favorite series: the witchlands series by susan dennard. oh my god, and i started the wayward children series by seanan mcguire and it’s so good. and i’m waiting on two more books in the mail, both for my bookclub.

i am so content with it too. i am doing it because i love reading and it brings me joy. plus, who doesn’t love some easy escapism? same reason i love video games.

speaking of which, i gotta start a farm with some friends. there have been so many updates and i haven’t played the pc version of it in so long. maybe i’ll convince a few of them to let me stream it. that, and palworld. i’m just not sure when i should start streaming; it feels like i have so much left to do, but it also feels like i’m not doing anything at all. so i might have to try streaming for 3-4 hours on my days off, with or without friends. my problem when it comes to streaming is that i’m my own boss, so not following through with a schedule doesn’t really have any consequences. but i really gotta get that started, otherwise i feel like i’ll never get around to it. it certainly would be nice to eventually make some extra money off of it. thought i wanted to be a val streamer, but i shockingly haven’t even really touched the game since i moved into my new place.

izzy and i watched four movies in a day on friday: mr. and mrs. smith, bullet train, baby driver, and everything everywhere all at once. all of them were so good, although everything everywhere all at once was… interesting. like the whole overall message of it is great and everything, like we love old traditional parents learning how to accept the things they can’t control about their child, but like… the buttplugs. wow. what a scene. (and that is all i’ll say on that; if you know, you know.)

i’m working on a linktr.ee with all my currently active and soon-to-be active accounts, which includes tumblr, discord, snapchat, and twitch. i was thinking about making a patreon, but i feel like i should gather an audience before i attempt managing another account. i already hate social media as it is which is why i only have what i have… we’ll see where it goes.

anyway, it was a solid weekend. i’m still tired, but i did drink quite a bit at a party last night and now i’ve got five days of work ahead of me, and my coworkers alone make that exhausting. but i’ve got lots of reading and writing to do to keep myself relaxed in between moments of masking (totally gonna be the name of my autobiography), especially once the new bookclub pick arrives. i’ll try not to be too miserable by tuesday.

[carebearmareee]

the 1

tws: cursing, talks about faked death, fight(ish)??, running away from home, lots of angst but it gets better, implied anxiety (ig?? idk i’m bad at putting tws and i apologize for that)

in which vincent solaire needed a permanent vacation from new mexico, from his friends, from his life. so he decided to fake his own death, leaving everyone and everything that he loved behind (except for his camera, his favorite book, and money that was supposed to be paying for college).

vincent solaire has been lonely ever since the however many years ago he decided to trick everyone he ever knew into thinking he was dead. well… not necessarily everyone. the only excuse was them. he had to tell them, had to let them know that he would be safe. but he did not plan on ever seeing his first love again, especially not at the crowded bus stop of the place he had ran away to.

there was no way in hell, he was just going to flat out deny the fact that he even saw lovely there, if it even was his lovely, he had no way of being sure and didn’t want to confirm his suspicions either way. but, oh, how he missed them. he missed their laugh, their beautiful smile, the stupid jokes that they always cracked, and the way that they made him feel, like he was truly wanted by someone for once. and vincent couldn’t help but stare out of the corner of his eye. they looked different, older, but still just as pretty as the day that he left, the day that he tried not to think about because it only made him miss them even more.

“please, lovely, come with me.”

the look on their face after he had told them his idea was one that he would never forget, a concerned pout had found it’s way onto their lips, eyebrows furrowed slightly. they looked like they were about to cry, and it hurt vincent to remember it.

“you- you know i can’t do that vinny. i have my future all planned out, you know i could never do that. i need to finish school! i’m sorry..”

“lovely, you have no reason to be sorry. i just- i’m gonna miss you,” he sobbed, moving closer to give them a tight hug, “i’m gonna miss you so fucking much."

lovely pulled away from the hug, looking vincent in the eyes, "no, vincent. no. i can't do this. i can't just lie for you when everyone is worrying about where you are and if you're even alive or not!"

"i'm sorry, i need to do this. you know my parents don't exactly approve of me doing what i want, even now that i've moved halfway across town they still find ways to try and control me, and i'm just tired of it! i need to leave, even if that leaving comes with consequences, it's the only way i might be able to be myself. i want you to know that i will always love you, whether i see you again after tonight or not."

they sighed, gently grabbing his hands, "i'll try to lie for you. but please don't actually die or something," they teased, blinking back the tears in their eyes as vincent leaned in to give them one last kiss goodbye.

the memory left as quickly as it had came, leaving vincent aching to talk to them, because no matter how much he tried to deny it, there was just one thing that he missed about new mexico. his lovely. he was sure now, that this person was the same one he had loved all those years ago, he could tell by the way their brow furrowed as they looked down at their phone, and from the silver ring with a small heart made of pearl in the center that they wore on their ring finger, they fiddled with it (vincent had also noticed this, a habit that he knew they were prone to) while holding their phone with the other. it was the little things that vincent liked to look for, and also remember. he really liked maine (despite the bitter winters), but he still missed them.

lost in thought, he hadn’t even noticed the bus that had pulled up at the stop, his mind to busy reminiscing about the past to even notice it. someone tapped him on the shoulder.

“hey- um, the bus is here,” the stranger said politely

he turned around quickly, only to find that the stranger was not in fact a stranger at all, but his lovely. and they seemed to realize the same thing, because when their eyes met their expression was nothing but pure shock and terror.

“oh my- holy… vincent?” they asked quietly, even though they knew damn well that he was in fact, still vincent.

jokes were the only thing that kept vincent going in moments of chaos or panic. they to helped ease the tension when someone asked him how his childhood was or if one of his friends grilled him about his mental health, it had become such a habit, even in a serious moment like this, the only thing he could think of to say was, “well you see- i actually go by hugh, now,” he cleared his throat quickly, “hugh jass, if we’re getting fancy.” he would regret saying that in a few seconds, but for now, he just flashed a stupid grin.

the bus had pulled away by now.

“you leave me for six fucking years and THAT’S the first thing you say to me?!! I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD SEE YOU AGAIN! AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK TO CALL ME, THE ONE TIME I TRY TO GET AWAY FROM STUPID FUCKING NEW MEXICO OF COURSE, I JUST HAD TO RUN INTO YOU OF ALL PEOPLE.”

people waiting for the next bus were starting to look at them now, many of them being people that vincent knew. almost all of them wondering who the boy they had grown to love was getting yelled at by.

“hey- um lovely,” he winced, he hadn’t meant to call them that, but old habits die hard. it’s not like it’s easy to just forget a nickname that he used for someone who he had thought had been the one. he watched their eyes wander to the ground when he said it, he remembered it all to well that it hurt. because maybe they could still be the one, and it would just take time, “we need to talk. and not here, like somewhere private, and i can explain, and you can explain. i think i- i think we both need this. please?” he was honestly desperate at this point, any old feelings that he had shoved down and tried to hide had come bursting up to the surface.

maybe vincent solaire was lonely since the six (yes, he remembers how many years it has been now that he received a lecture from them) years that he left new mexico. maybe it would change in the three hours that the two talked about where the both of them had went wrong. maybe the change started when he offered for them to stay the night, but they were sleeping on the couch wether they liked it or not, because they did not want to make anything awkward. something may have changed when vincent made them coffee just how they liked it the next morning. days turned into weeks, the couch turned into vincent’s bed, which eventually turned into cuddling, and then to kissing (vincent swears that after their “first” kiss, he was very calm. lovely tells a different [truer] story.), dates and buying new clothes that were more fit for the chilly maine weather, vincent thinks that he was a fool to ever leave new mexico, even though he was miserable there, somehow fate had brought the good parts about new mexico back to him, in fiddling with rings, in bright smiles, in watching sunsets, in dinner dates. in his lovely.

“i wonder if things would have been different.”

“hmm?” they look up at him lazily, hands not stopping petting the orange and white cat in their lap (vincent got the cat after few months of lovely living with him and realizing that they weren’t going to leave).

“if i never left. if you went off to college and i just stayed. maybe we wouldn’t be together now.”

“oh, stop, you know that stuff creeps me out. besides, i’m here with you now, that’s all that matters, vinny.”

[nerves-nebula]

was wonderinv who to ask then saw ur poston art school and went . yo!

anyway can i ask hows art school? like . is it worth it?? whats the experience and everything like + do u regret ur decision to go there? (dont feel forced to answer any of these) (for context + incase it wasn’t obvious ive been wanting and thinking of going to one if ever given the chance)

Oh man, where to start. Well first of all some of the main reasons to go to art school are the resources and the connections.

If you wanna get into furniture for example, that’s a lot easier if you have access to a whole workshop with tons of different saws. I’ve learned to use three different book binders as well as done hand binding myself, which is great fun for me but idk how I’ll make money out of that.

The thing is that depending on your major/department, a lot of the stuff you do in art school you could theoretically do on your own as well. So if you think you have enough willpower to make your own schedule and find your own resources then I’d say do that, and work on building your portfolio so you can show it off if you ever get the chance. especially if you don’t really have the money for college (I’m incredibly lucky to have someone help me cuz otherwise I’d be screwed)

If I’m honest, I didn’t really want to go to college at the time of me applying. I was kind of interested in learning how to wrap cars, and I wanted to take a course in that, if you can believe it. but all of my parents kids have to go to college no matter what (as in my mom forced me to apply to college and then sent me off like “I can’t help you pay for college btw good luck!”) so it was inevitable that I was going to go to an art school. which is fine because i've also always kind of wanted to go to a school, i was just stressed about not being able to afford it haha.

THEN there's what kind of art school you're going to. I'm at one of the most prestigious fine arts schools in the USA, because though I got admitted to others, I couldn't afford to go to others. the one I'm at offered the most money, because they could afford to. Idk what I'm gonna do with this degree but im in graphic design rn so I'll probably do something in that field. and it helps that the name of my school is renowned.

but if you, say, want to get into animation you're probably going to NEED to go to an art school. even if you cant get into an animation school specifically, any art school at all is better than none when it comes to animation (I think, idk for sure i'm not interested in animation as a job. my friend is tho so maybe I'll ask him)

now, HOW is art school? WELL. I've heard this isn't uncommon, but the first year was literally actual torture. it was really really bad. it made me more suicidal than I'd been since I was 12 and it ALSO made me start cutting for the first time ever. but I survived it, and the second year was way better! (if still stressful) the first year is for where they try to kill you, and the second year is where they go "haha just kidding ok lets get into what you want to know" at least that's how it is at where I am.

DESPITE the pain, and despite how even now I'm anxious about going back, I don't regret it at all. I really like my classmates and I love my professors. I love a lot of the work I've done and the skills I've learned. I liked living on campus and being so close to all that Art Stuff, even if i was too tired all the time to ever go out to any of the events.

plus on a more personal level, anywhere is better than living with my parents. so even if it was hellish the first year, i'm at least happy that i got things done and i wasn't wasting away at home with my mom.

hope that answers all your questions :)

[wordsaloud]

entry 1: change/get to know me

16th August 2023

change is the only constant in life.

21 years and i still struggle to internalise, let alone embrace change. it’s tough to embrace something that you can’t expect, something with the potential to make or break your life.

yes, hi. before we get any further into this entry, i’m nelly. 21. undergraduate. from singapore. and very, very lost.

i know that at this age, it’s commonly known as a transitional period where we’re starting school, ending school, starting our careers, moving overseas and whatnot. basically going all over the place, just hoping we’re making the right decisions for the sake of our future.

i graduated polytechnic in may 2022 and decided to take a gap year. i was already working as an intern during my last semester of polytechnic, so the transition into the industry wasn’t too abrupt. but still, it was the period when I also decided it was time for me to sustain myself. i stopped taking allowance money from my dad, i paid for my own bills, my food and all other expenditures and i was even giving my parents money.

this was a change, alright. but it was a controlled change. so still, not too bad right?

1st December 2023, 11:00pm

so. um. a little change of plans. and a little fast forward into time. the words above were written just days before my world felt like it was collapsing into me. my initial intended message of this entry to you, was to embrace change. i was also kind of hoping that i could convince myself that life right now isn’t too bad afterall.

but boy, i didn’t even manage to finish this entry before life bit me in the ass.

don’t get me wrong, nothing drastic happened. things in uni just got too overwhelming to quickly. academically, physically and boy…. emotionally.

to be fair, i didn’t even want to be in uni in the first place. but yknow, asian parents. so frankly speaking, i came into uni with not an ounce of proactiveness and initiative in my system. i knew nothing about the uni curriculum, the syllabus, requirements.

but at the end of the day, i was simply still a singaporean child yearning for academic validation. and when i realised i wasn’t doing too well, i panicked and i spiralled. for months. everyday i wake up and all i would feel is immense dread. for most of the struggle, my issue was feeling alone.

i think i can speak for most uni goers that there are no constants in uni. especially if you’re in a double major programme. unless you’re really lucky. there are no form classes like in poly/jc, no close rapport with your lecturers, and for the past few months i still feel like i’m still introducing myself with people. so i, have not been very lucky in that sense. my only friend in uni is my roommate, and she studies computer sciences. me? linguistics and english. most of my programme related ‘friends’ are all on a hi-bye basis. so that sucks.

i wanted so desperately to belong in some type of friend group or just have one constant friend, but to no avail. and i eventually just stopped trying. i still felt alone, though. just doesn’t feel too bad if i don’t try anymore, you know what i mean?

yeah, so i was struggling with trying to catch up with my module contents and i always just kept thinking about how it would feel if i had somebody else to struggle with, you know? the semester has ended, and this still hasn’t changed for me. but i’ve made peace with it. you can’t force friendships and i’m okay with that.

i, however, did spiral for months and it affected my relationship because i was relying too much on her emotionally. i was asking too much from her. since i didn’t have any uni friends, every lament, every whine, every complain went through her ears. and i won’t go too deep into it, but it did affect our relationship for a while and to be honest, it’s still kinda rocky now. but that’s a story for another entry.

along the way though, it felt like something changed inside of me. in a good way. maybe i was tired of constantly throwing myself a pity party instead of doing the shit i needed to do. maybe it was because i joined other things in school that didn’t make school feel like absolute hell.

it was a risk, of course– to add more things into my schedule when i was already struggling with what i already had on my plate. but god, they were such blessings. i am so eternally grateful for my dance cca. it’s not like we’re besties, but every time i came into practice i always just felt like i belonged. they treated me like it. it’s something that i didn’t, and still don’t feel in my programme. so it was really so, so refreshing.

after i joined, we were practising for a big scale performance so it was trainings after trainings after trainings and i was so so busy but so, so determined and excited. it gave me some sort of purpose as well as an outlet to destress physically in between rushing assignments and studying for my finals.

it’s semester break now. yay i survived one semester of uni! 7 more to go. it’s needless to say that i have more time on my hands, but i also have a lot i wanna do. go back to the gym, spend more time with my loved ones, write more! and of course, to NOT repeat my mistakes of this semester. so i’ll be reading up on my next semester texts to give myself a headstart.

anyways, i apologise. this is my first entry. so structure and content distribution wise, i’m not too sure what’s the right way to go about it. just take it as a little get-to-know-me piece hehe.

maybe you can let me know! did you read through the whole thing? did you get bored? was it tmi?

thank you for reading, remember to be kind to yourself <3

till the next entry, friends!

nelly.

[bowlofr1ce]

Stuff has been on my mind lately. And I can’t stop thinking about it.

I am giggling and kicking my legs that something I’ve been waiting over a year and a half for will be releasing soon. Every time I ask my friends “should I go for it?” And they always responded with “wait” and it’s just been like this every single time. And it’s finally happening.

But then in the back of my mind I hear “are you sure you really want to do this?” “it’s a lot of money. and your current employment is in jeopardy.” And then I tell that voice “I have been waiting for months! I have been waiting! For SO LONG! And I am SICK! AND TIRED! OF WAITING!” But then that voice retaliates “THINK about the money though! THINK about what mom and dad would think.” And that immediately halts me in my track. This is something I’ve been waiting a long, long time for. It’s a large scale investment that I’m willing to make with my own hard earned money. And yet. I fear that they’ll think I just sunk a lot of money on another toy. It’s not a toy, it’s basically a console. It’s the equivalent of buying a Switch 2 or a PlayStation 6 or something that will be in the future! But I’m scared. It’s fricking half a grand. I have the ability to spend that sort of money. I have the security to spend that sort of money. But I’m scared to make the leap. I’m scared of, well, spending money. And my parents, who usually make really good financial decisions, they might judge me because I indulged in something that I’m interested in. And it’s not what I’m interested in that’s the problem. It’s the cost that’s the problem. If I were to ask dad if I should go for the older, soon-to-be-irrelevant, cheaper option or the newer, more future proof, yet more expensive option, dad would probably say to go for the newer one.

Thing is I don’t know if they know this is something I want to do. I’m scared of how they’ll react if I suddenly said “hey! I wanna spend $500!” Like it’s something I just came up on the spot. Like no! This is something I’ve been thinking about and researching for years, and I decided that this is something I will be doing since over last year, and now this year, I am deciding to take that leap! But I’m still scared. I’m scared of the loss of money, and my current employment situation not looking good at the moment now that college kicked in. I’m scared of my parents who i feel should be okay if I explain myself about this but he problem is that they don’t give me a chance to speak. And especially mom if she has her mind on something it’s hard to take her mind off of that. (I.e. if she thinks you did something wrong, that means that you did something wrong, even if you didn’t do anything. And you can’t explain yourself either. I told this to mom that we should be able to explain herself but she basically dismissed that saying “explaining yourself won’t fix things. If you explain yourself with ‘oh, I needed money’ after robbing a bank, that doesn’t make what you did okay” LIKE??? THIS AND THAT ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SITUATIONS!!)

I suppose the only thing that will stop me from making this leap when it’s possible isn’t the money, but the fear of judgement and disapproval from my parents from doing so. And unfortunately, I’ve come to realize that this dictated most of the decisions I made in life.

[temunitu]

Okay question!

These can be specific versions of turtles too:

Who is your favorite turtle:

The one you relate to the most:

The one you dislike the most (or just least favorite):

Turtle who you think is the most underrated:

Turtle who you think is the most overrated:

Turtle who you think gets too much hate (or the most criticism)

Turtle who you'd be best friends with:

And Turtle who you'd be mortal enemies with:

I SHOULDN’T BE SO STOKED TO DO THIS. also @ anyone who wants to: you can fill this out and reblog or reply with it. i love reading y’all’s opinions

read more cuz i’m gonna overdo it and go into why

Favorite: i think you can probably guess it’s 2003 mikey since i am an open book. love that he’s unapologetically a menace to society but put all his points toward charisma so he can get away with it. it might’ve been rise mikey had we seen more of him, he’s a close second.

Relatable: this was so tough but i think 90s raph might be the most relatable to me??? at least. when i was like 15. sir you try to act all tough and scream “DAMN” from the rooftops. just angsting it up. i love that for him, that was me at 15. get him into therapy, it helps <3

Dislike/least fav: 2012 donnie. you know why.

Underrated: i see like. zero love for the 90s movies (i know 2 and 3 weren’t as good but 1 DESERVES MORE LOVE). the turtles in it are fantastic and there’s some lines that are just. PEAK sibling inside joke energy. (i am talking about donnie and mikey’s “fight?” “fight.” “kitchen?” “kitchen.” “pork rind?” “pork rind.”)

Overrated: i love the rise leo kinnies and stans. and leo clearly has a lot going on. but it has been done over and over and over so much that i am so tired of it. this same thing happened with rise donnie when the show was coming out. post-movie it’s been all about leo, so… both of them are kinda overrated to me

Too much hate/criticism: i have like, a warped sense of what’s popular and what gets criticized since i tend to stick to my own corner of the internet, but… for me, it’s fast forward and back to the sewers. i watched those pretty early and they’re special to me for whatever reason, but the changes feel REALLY different and i think it was mainly due to execs worried about making money so they cut the budget (and/or execs thinking they had to ‘lighten’ up the show for a broader audience and to not piss off parents). there’s a LOT of cool ideas in both but especially fast forward. btts got chopped halfway through. idk, a canceled show can’t be… bad to me? cuz i can’t help but see that the creators tried their damnedest with the time they had.

Best friend: HARD QUESTION but i think it would be rise raph? we’d be the mom friends of the group since we’re both older siblings. he’s similar enough to get along with but different enough that he’s not a carbon copy of me where we’d grate on each other’s nerves, y’know? if i met 2003 raph we’d argue too much to be besties

Mortal enemy: not a turtle but. i want to fight whoever decided that the tmnt weren’t “technically” brothers in the next mutation. FOR WHAT? SO YOU COULD HAVE THEM MAKE WEIRD COMMENTS ABOUT VENUS?? IM KICKING UR ASS SISTER VENUS WOULD’VE BEEN SO MUCH CUTER

[anartistwhowrites]

I’m someone who had to leave a bad job right away. But before I explain why, let me give you some context leading up to this.

I was born with Tourette Syndrome, a nervous system disorder that causes unwanted movements and sounds. Tourettes is often accompanied by a variety of mental health disorders such as ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, Learning Disabilities, and so much more. I’ve had Tourette’s since I was three and they were a lot worse in school, especially Middle/High School. My mental health was absolutely awful and it was at its lowest after I graduated.

It got to the point where, in 2018, I almost took my own life.

With the help from God and my family, I spent the next three years going to therapy and counseling and getting out of that horrible depression. All while my siblings already had jobs and drivers license’s and cars, and my older sister even had her own apartment. This made me feel behind in “becoming an adult” and I almost relapsed back into my depressive thoughts. But In 2021 I got my first job at a daycare one of my estranged family members used to work at. The job was’t great and after two years of being there, I had to quit. But it wasn’t because “it was too hard, whaaaaaaah” or anything like that.

I was a Daycare Aide, so I had to help assist teachers whose classrooms weren’t in ratio. I was the only aide they had and was constantly being bounced back and forth from every classroom. Now the problem wasn’t the work itself. I don’t mind a bit of hard work. And I loved the kids tremendously. The problem was the work load.

My bosses were overworking me, giving me six hours worth of work to complete in half an hour. And they were getting upset when I wasn’t getting it done. When I wasn’t assisting teachers in the classroom I was basically the janitor: mopping floors, sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning toys, cleaning the bathrooms, and so much more.

I threw out my back and my sciatica constantly. I felt stupid for not being able to complete my tasks on time. And because of my disabilities, some of the co workers I worked with constantly talked down to me like I was also one of the children in the daycare.

Now, while I was considering quitting, I didn’t just “hit the bricks”. I talked to my family first about quitting and they were one hundred percent behind my decision. They knew that I wasn’t being lazy or not trying to power though (they knew I was powering through as best as I could) but every time I got home, they could see how tired and in pain I was. They understood why I had to quit and weren’t going to make me feel bad for quitting the job. But with the money I did earn from there, I was able to finally purchase my first car, so it wasn’t all bad.

So in 2023 I quit. And I have not been able to find another job since. It’s been one year and every job I’ve applied for, from fast food, to dog shelters, to grocery stores, have all ignored me, ghosted me, or rejected me. I live in a rural area and places where I could find better work are an hour or more away. On top of that, the job economy sucks right now and has not been helping anyone.

Let me make it clear, I’m not just sitting on my butt all day, watching TV, and mooching off of my parents. I’ve opened a print store online, I’ve been working on my webcomics, and I’m currently working on a children’s book as a means of forming an income, all while actively job hunting. And I’ve been helping out around the house and taking care of stuff like the laundry and dishes and other stuff like that while my family is busy with their work.

So that’s my life so far. If you are somebody who’s reading this and believes that you’re in a job like mine, please don’t just quit. Really think about if the reasons you have for quitting are legitimate or are just you complaining. It’s tough but a little self reflection doesn’t hurt. And who knows, maybe you were the reason your job isn’t great the whole time. Also, talk to a trusted family member or an elder about quitting. I’m not gonna say to talk to a friend your age because their judgement isn’t going to be trustworthy because they lack the experience and wisdom of someone who’s had more jobs and life experience.

Also please don’t quit without having a few jobs you already applied for. I made that mistake and I’m struggling because of it.

I don’t really know how to end this, so I hope this was able to help someone. Thanks for reading.

if it sucks generally hit da bricks yes. but there are also going to be times in life where you have to stay in uncomfortable or sucky situations because the only way out is through. and that is how life works. sometimes you have to keep that terrible job or that shitty apartment. this site's policy of "don't sink years of your life into something that's not going to be worthwhile" can kind of turn into "immediately stop doing anything you don't like" sometimes and that bothers me

[hideyourautumn-milkteeth]

staying silly in these trying times is quite important yes. and me too tbh but im sure most queers think about moving somewhere else, whether to a different state or country lol. ireland is an interesting choice! for me, i do have a goal to maybe move to canada since i already have friends over there so i wouldnt be completely lost without guidance haha

i get being sad regardless tho yeah. esp since you have a favorite place like that. for me personally, ive just grown comfortable with living here yknow? like it's definitely not safe to be openly trans here but my other needs are met like religious obligations (im muslim lol) and stuff. i imagine that in western countries, it'd be more difficult to have those needs met and understood widely

money can really fix a lot of things for us LMAO i'd love my own place for example ... currently im still heavily relying on my parents. i dont even work 😭 i do consider it a privilege somewhat but yeah

-🫀

OOF i feel that :,) thankfully I’m not stuck w/ my parents anymore but I have been stuck in the same shitty apartment for multiple years and am getting sick and fucking TIRED of it. It’s such a shithole. But hey at least they just put in new balconies so that rocks.

And yeah I totally get ur struggle! Leaving familiar places are hard especially when they have resources like religious outlets you rely on. I’ve considered moving to Canada a lot. In fact, if He Who Shall Not Be Named ends up winning the election this, me and my queer loved ones may end up being forced to evacuate to Canada. Which isn’t too bad considering we’re in the upper Midwest so we’d literally just need to drive north a lil ways lmao.

Canada isn’t perfect but god damn anything beats a country that wants us dead for being queer or Muslim or disabled 🥹

[therealkanroji]

Vent?? sort of just yapping about what annoys me.

Okay so i need yall to tell me who is in the wrong here because two days ago, maybe three, i was cleaning my room while talking to my mother and my stepdad walks in with the baby.

Mind you the baby reaches for anything in his reach to destroy it as he is in his destructive phase since he is one years old, my stepdad watched him rip at my Stray Kids posters knowing that it would set me off. So i moved my brother’s hand away and tried resticking it but to no avail.

THEN he does it AGAIN once again knowing it’s going to make me upset since i get those posters from the albums which are $26 that none of my parents want to spend money on.

Then i go get tape and restick it on. By this point i am absolutely ticked and just want him out of my room and my mom calls me and says, “Well gee how much tape do you need?” as a joke right? I told her “so that i can keep these posters out of the way from babies and people who let babies destroy my stuff.”

“Do you want to get slapped in the mouth? i’ll knock all the teeth out your mouth.” my stepdad said. And he NEVER threatens me seriously because he doesn’t believe in hitting women especially little girls but we’ve been on each other’s radar lately so.

My mom stayed quite the entire time and when they finally leave, i talk to myself about it angrily because my mom told me that i should only talk about people when they aren’t there.

So i did. ONLY TO FIND OUT, that she connected to my Alexa and eavesdropped on me the whole time i was talking shit. Then she got mad at ME for MY OWN OPINION and had the nerve to text me about it.

Cause first of all one, you told me to do that, two, you can’t get mad at me because you didn’t like what you overheard, three (which she said in the text), that i can’t get angry over stuff like this because once again!

I’m the child and they’re the adult. You don’t know how tired i am of hearing that line.

And you know what really arches my back. The fact that the baby spilled a bit of water on my dads pc thing where the mouse goes or something and he was LIVID. it didn’t even touch the technology all it did was have a splash hit the cloth.

That is it, goodbye. (i separated this in paragraphs for people who read differently ♥️)