#I’m just thinking thoughts so many thoughts and it’s girlhood and power and pain and proximity you know??

[tabithatwo]

hi hello thinking about how neither lottie or taissa is advocating for their sight or championing themselves.

lottie quietly doing the best she can to lean into what she hopes is real to give the others protection and faith, yes! but it isn’t I CAN LEAD YOU (especially this season) it’s I can quietly do the things that can’t hurt, in case they help. it can’t hurt to prick my finger and they’ve come back safe so far and I’m aware of my mental health I’m OH so aware and I know the dangers of delusions being proven correct by happenstance by setting up an infallible cause and effect by building my own reality BUT but. it’s just a prick and it’s just a sip and if I don’t do it now and they don’t come back safe then I AM the reason. it can’t hurt IT CAN’T HURT.

but see, now she’s stuck. she’s wedged into this place of having followers and she can’t tell them how she feels, partly because she isn’t even sure how she feels to begin with because nothing is real and everything is far too real!! (because BECAUSE lottielee jackieshauna parallels and so much post laura lee was not in our view, we didn’t fall as deep deep deep into the rabbit hole with lottie as we did with shauna, but this season has confirmed it for us. lottie and shauna both lost reality when they lost Them and they were both already girls with a loose grip of reality to begin with) so it’s That, but it’s also because she isn’t Lottie The Girl From New Jersey Who Shoplifts, she’s not herself, she’s what they make of her. she’s Lottie The Reason We Will Survive This.

she was on the other side of this dynamic, she felt that anger at jackie, she felt that sense of betrayal, she felt that letdown, that rebellion in her heart. because jackie wasn’t serving them the way they wanted needed craved being served. jackie couldn’t be that person. jackie who had been divisive in her leadership before they even crashed, because what is leadership if not a spotlight that people can adjust to make you glow like something ethereal or to point out all your flaws with great illumination? jackie had larger than life expectations put on her (and they were warm and sunny and positive some of the time yes, but that all curdles when it’s left in the spotlight too long.)

so suddenly lottie is divisive. there are teams around her and against her and myth built up, but the myth isn’t that she’s the bratty unhelping girl who gets whatever she wants like it became for jackie, the myth is she is our only hope. she is our savior and salvation and seer. and she doesn’t need to even say anything to make that so. jackie didn’t need to say anything to make them color her selfish (other, but bad). lottie doesn’t need to say anything to make them color her anointed (other, but good). she is girl vessel, girl hopes, girl dreams, a witch hunt where she Better Be A Witch.

doomcoming lottie snapped. she was On drugs and she was Off drugs and she was tired and she gave them something to cling to that they could shape into more with the seeds of the past (bear and blood and you get the picture) that they’d already been trying to plant in her image. (jackie did the same that night. she snapped, she yelled, she gave them something to cling to that they could shape into more with the seeds of the past that they’d already been trying to plant in her image, do you SEE??)

and of COURSE natalie understands both lottie and jackie. of course she knows what it’s like to be doing nothing but your best, to not want the responsibility, to be seen more as liability than asset, even though the only reason you can fail so hard is because you provide so much. before the crash and after, because girl carrying the weight of family secrets and girl who bears their insecurities and girl who SEES that they are insecure so she cannot even bring herself to be ANGRY with them and girl who hunts. girl who hunts and feeds, but now who hikes and disappoints, because there is no game to bring home, but that can only be Her Failure because it is Her Contribution, do you hear me are you with me??

so natalie walks for miles and she eulogizes jackie and she steps out of her reward her one small comfort and she makes sure that lottie sinks into the hot water and she apologizes, she apologizes, she apologizes. because maybe she’s mad, maybe she says it isn’t fair in the heat of the moment, but at the end of the day she knows who she is and what she is and all that they’ve made her and she carries that responsibility. (like jackie the girl she wasn’t home to save and lottie the girl she doesn’t know how to reach. it’s too late for them, there are no words to undo it. jackie was sealed when she made captain and natalie was sealed when she pulled the trigger and lottie was sealed when she warned van.)

and taissa finally TAISSA. she has hidden her secret. little girl looking in the mirror and seeing something that shouldn’t be there and older girl who is hearing things that she shouldn’t hear and leading people places she shouldn’t be able to lead them to. she doesn’t want it and she’s made it the Most Known of them all. don’t tell lottie, don’t tell the others, don’t bring it up. and van who champions her so naturally, so routinely, so lovingly for all the normal things. van who believes in the supernatural. van who has simply refused to die. van can’t hold it in anymore, because taissa’s sight Brought Back Javi. but tai doesn’t want her to mention it to the others. tai is perceptive and tai understands power struggles and she’s tired and hates this part of herself and she’s scared and she’s logical and she doesn’t want to Be Lottie (not lottie the girl from New Jersey who shoplifts, but lottie who better be a witch).

so maybe I’m seeing things myself, maybe I’m reading too deep, but here’s what I saw in old wounds.

lottie, who sits quietly while the others discuss her prophecy. lottie, who seems to have developed an openness to a different view of jackie in her death, because she was girl there and now she’s girl gone and she served them again in death and maybe lottie didn’t quite have the right idea of her and maybe lottie is in her seat now, in a way. lottie, who wanders into the snow without ever really agreeing because it was never really a choice, and cuts her hand because it can’t hurt IT CANT HURT.

natalie, who signed up to hunt when it was spring and warm and possible, who knows that it will be hers always and forever now. natalie, who will always be the reason they are starving, more than the reason they are fed. natalie, who is jealous of the girl who is bone, because she was allowed death. natalie, who has sympathy for all of them and knows that lottie has been made her rival through the mechanisms of group projection than her own volition. so she bathes her and tends to her and apologizes to her.

taissa, who has always been a leader and always been under scrutiny but did so in a way She Could Control. taissa, whose deepest secrets are being unfolded before her eyes because she can’t stop herself from divulging them when she is unconscious. taissa, who might start to think that maybe lottie didn’t ask for this.

so jackie is bone, and natalie is hunter, and lottie is seer, and taissa might be even more so. natalie alone in the realm of the mundane (for this), but aware of them all, so I’ll set her aside for a moment.

jackie accidentally opened the door to this spiritualism. she was the seance and doomcoming (and the first communion), but she didn’t mean for it to be that. she meant to cheer them up.

lottie thought that jackie had it wrong, thought that she didn’t use her position to protect the girls, because she refused to work with the woods and lottie tries to save them and protect them and negotiate with the wilderness for them.

taissa thinks that lottie has it wrong, because she feeds into their delusions and her power is a runaway train in this setting and taissa wants to keep them alive in the best way. the practical way. except that logical leadership never led to anything out here and her other self, her spiritual self, found javi after months.

pedestals and wrecking balls and clearer views once you’re hoisted up with the girls on them. girls who are not Them but who are What Others Say. shauna dictating jackie and mari dictating lottie and van dictating taissa and everyone dictating natalie. everyone meaning the best and riding the high of delivering it, until it’s cut out from beneath them. you don’t go from great to fine. the mighty don’t fall to land on a straw bed with the rest of them, thanks for trying and welcome back. they are Icarus and their love for the others is flight and their belief that They Can Do It Better is the sun and the sun burns. in death or in life or in dreams.

and maybe in old wounds lottie understood jackie a little more and taissa understood lottie a little more and nat, who has always been able to understand them all, can watch and wait and hope that it changes things. but it won’t. because they aren’t driving their own stories anymore.

so they’ll hunt and they’ll bleed and they’ll walk in their sleep and, no matter what they say or don’t say, the others will fill in the gaps.

[letterboxd]

Divas.

“You have to know what you’re willing to fight for or die for.” Angelina Jolie goes head-to-head with Michelle Pfeiffer in the Maleficent sequel, Mistress of Evil. The megastars talk to Letterboxd about their new Disney blockbuster, their favorite villains, and learning to let go of your children.

We haven’t done specific data on this, but it’s no secret that, from Tinkerbell and Wendy to Mother Gothel and Rapunzel, Disney in particular excels at pitting women against each other and messing with concepts of motherhood. Times change, however, and in 2014, with Angelina Jolie in the title role, the studio’s live-action blockbuster Maleficent revisited the Sleeping Beauty fairy tale, taking a refreshing spin on the villain from Disney’s 1959 animated classic Sleeping Beauty.

It worked: Maleficent became Jolie’s highest-grossing film, and holds a particular kind of appeal for the Letterboxd members who love it. For Rookie Bear, it is “…a journey from girlhood to motherhood and maturity, and in many respects, is exactly the film I would have liked Sleeping Beauty to be.” Aly C agrees: “I love that so many distinctly feminine themes are layered into this story, from non-traditional motherhood to recovering from sexual assault. It’s so smart; [writer] Linda Woolverton is a genius, and that must be part of why Angelina was so enthusiastically behind this project (besides looking absolutely iconic). I hope the sequel stays on this same path.”

Pedro Paixão is a little more succinct: “I have a weakness for bad bitches in leather.” He’s gonna love the follow-up, which sees dark fairy Maleficent (Jolie) drawn out of the moors, a verdant land in which fantasy creatures flourish, by the impending nuptials between surrogate daughter Princess Aurora (Sleeping Beauty herself, played by Elle Fanning) and her beloved Prince Phillip (Harris Dickinson, replacing the original’s Brenton Thwaites).

But this is Disney. With Maleficent and Aurora happy in their non-traditional family unit, the sequel needs a new bad bitch. Cue Michelle Pfeiffer, the ideal grande dame to go head-to-head with Jolie in lavish new sequel Maleficent: Mistress of Evil.

Pfeiffer plays Aurora’s mother-in-law to be, Queen Ingrith; outwardly welcoming of Maleficent, but secretly plotting against her, setting the stage for an epic showdown in which expensive special effects are entirely outshone by two of Hollywood’s most legendary actors throwing down. It’s misunderstood-villain versus actual-villain, and the star power on display is truly something to behold.

Jolie and Pfeiffer recently joined press in Beverly Hills to talk about the film, and we took the opportunity to ask them for any iconic movie villain performances that they may have taken inspiration from.

Angelina Jolie immediately named the performance given by her co-star in Tim Burton’s Batman Returns: “I like Michelle as Catwoman,” she told us.

Pfeiffer brought up a different Batman film, Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight, in her response: “I think the first thing that came to mind was Heath Ledger as the Joker. I didn’t take that as inspiration, but that’s my favorite villain.”

Read on for highlights from the rest of the conversation.

On being associated with the character of Maleficent: Angelina Jolie: The strange thing as an actor, you’re kind of always figuring out who you are, how people see you. Now with social media, everybody has an opinion. As an actor, it’s strange, you put yourself forward [for a role] and somebody says: “Oh, that’s very you.” And you think: ‘Really, is it?’ When I got a call and they said: “We thought you’re the only person who could play Maleficent. It was so obvious.” I was like: “What was so obvious?” I’m never quite sure how I’m supposed to take that.

And yet, I love her. So maybe I just need to fully embrace it at this time in my life. Maybe when I first did it I thought I needed to find the other aspects of her; she’s a bit wild and full-on and a bit much. Now I have different things in my life and I’m just so happy to feel strong again and have some fun. I adore being her.

On whether or not she was channeling screen legend Bette Davis in her performance: AJ: When I was little, I saw the animated film. Clearly she was drawn with that inspiration, and the original voice, and the original way she was, and I was so drawn to it. All of those women. There’s so much to learn from them. Any comparison I’m very grateful for.

On how the film plays with notions of good and evil: Michelle Pfeiffer: It’s a very unusual fairy tale, which I also loved about the first film, it was so surprising. What I loved is that it played in this grey area and it talked about good-versus-evil, and how all of us have a little bit of everything in us. I think in terms of strength, and how that manifests itself, it’s different in everyone. One of the things we loved about Aurora is that in many ways she is ultimately the strongest and wisest of all of us. My character is really brilliant and diabolical, but I wouldn’t consider her terribly wise.

I mean, everybody has vulnerability, and I think, [Queen Ingrith is] damaged. Nobody behaves that way unless they’re incredibly damaged on some level. She just doesn’t wear it on her sleeve, I guess. And it some ways, what she resorts to is really, truly out of a very deep fear. On the central themes of the film: AJ: It is about family. Aurora and Maleficent were brought together and they became a family and they weren’t really expecting it. Maleficent was harmed in her life and she lost herself and lost her ability to, I think, be soft and feel love. Being a mother brought out something in me that really transformed me. But we’re different creatures in the film. There are metaphors in the film, not to be heavy about it, but always I think a good film for young people has these messages, and I think there’s real questions in the film: [Aurora and Maleficent] get pulled apart, people tell us, because we’re not the same. “Because you’re not exactly like her, you’re not gonna love her.” That certainly strikes a chord with me. I think Maleficent does wonder if she’s good enough to be a mother.

Then there’s a real push to say “this is not how it should be, and this is not how to live”. Diversity makes us stronger. There must be a better way forward, and we have to come together. We do that in the film with the humans and the creatures and moor-folk coming together. We do that as a family, we come together and we fight against this separation. We unite and we say “this is the world we choose to live in”. I think that that is a really important message.

On Aurora and Maleficent’s relationship: AJ: I see her exactly as she is, and I don’t want her to be any different than she is. And she sees me as I am, and she accepts me as I am. It is to say to everybody: “Be yourself, be your true self. You don’t live forever.” Say to children: “No matter how people see you and how they say you should be, you’ll suffocate. Be your true nature, whatever that may be, and you’ll find acceptance, because you have to.”

On the film’s elaborate dinner scene, when Maleficent and Ingrith first encounter each other: MP: Tension-wise, nobody wanted to be the one to wreck the take, because it was so long. Every angle, every shot was a master. The tension is really good, you’re kind of just being there for each other.

AJ: I was just happy we were sitting. I felt like I was having dinner with friends for a week. I thought it was great. On the challenge of performing inside such gargantuan costumes: AJ: You get so supported in these roles with the magic, everybody working towards this idea of [bringing together] costumes, visual effects and make-up to help bring you into a creature. It’s a big team. Some of my costumes were half there, and we had to be flying with rigs and things. The trick with Maleficent sometimes is that I need to look stronger on the ground, but then I have to float when I’m up in the air.

On what the film has to say about self-sacrifice: AJ: When you talk about love, we spoke about knowing your true self, but really I think the core of is: we’re not here just to exist. You have to know what you stand for. You have to know what you’re willing to fight for or die for. If you live that way, then whatever pain comes with it and whatever sacrifice comes with it, you embrace it and it actually fills you with purpose. That’s hopefully represented in the film.

On whether or not she was trying to top her previous villain performances: MP: I didn’t actually look at it that way. I certainly enjoyed playing this, I was really delighted and surprised when I read the script. I was excited just by the notion of working with [Angelina Jolie and Elle Fanning].

You approach them all differently. I had a lot of fun doing this. I felt like I had a lot of freedom to try and bring some other colors, you know, try to play the humanity. It may not appear at first blush that Ingrith is willing to sacrifice anything, but she’s willing obviously to sacrifice her son. I think that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love him. (Laughs.) It’s complicated.

On relating to Maleficent having to let go of Aurora, given that she just sent her oldest son off to college: AJ: To be very honest, Maddox was so ready and he’s doing so well. He spent these days with me as I thought I was preparing him to go. You work so hard as a mother, you think: ‘I’m really helping him.’ And then at the airport, he could’ve left but he stayed with me a bit longer, I kept thinking: ‘He wants to be with me a little longer.’ And then at some point he looked at me and said: “Are you okay?” and I said “Yeah I’m fine” and I realized the entire week was all for me. He was just making sure I was okay. And he gave me a really big hug because he knew that I needed it, and I knew that he was okay because he was the kind of man who knew what I needed and he gave it to me in a loving way. So I left feeling really proud. I did cry a few times.

There’s a part of this movie where I have to let [Aurora] go. It wasn’t in the script, but I didn’t quite let her go. And Diaval (Sam Riley) has to come in and say: “Let her go.” And that got me every time. Because I would think of… all of the kids. That moment of having to let them go. But it’s also exciting.

Related content

Everything on Disney+: a list of all the films that will feature on the studio’s new streaming service, launching in the US on November 12.

Rara’s list of films with both female heroes and female villains.

Mommie Dearest: the Letterboxd Showdown of misunderstood movie matriarchs.

‘Maleficent: Mistress of Evil’ is in cinemas from October 18. Comments have been edited for length and clarity.

[scripted-dalliances]

Rest In Peace: Chapter Twelve

Title: Rest In Peace

Chapter: 12

Summary: A part of Faithless Fairy Tale, a more in depth look at how they brought Laura back to life. Appearance of old faces, creation of new ones and if you’re looking for canon, it left a long, long time ago. If you squint you might be able to see some pieces from the book.

“She knew herself, how she had slowly, over years, become a cat, a wolf, a snake, anything but a girl. How she had wrung out her girlhood like death.” -Catherynne M. Valente

+

Laura has learned not to carry expectations when it comes to Gods.

Odin was just some old drifter, Ostara looks like she could beat Martha Stewart in a home decorating contest any day of the week and Mad Sweeney is six foot and five inches tall leprechaun. Clearly, it wasn't text book mythology rules.

Still, Isis surprises her. Laura had vaguely assumed she would look like an older Nephthys. Just as high cheeked and blessed with model perfected features. No doubt blessed with a matching leg length, to work a powerful goddess stride.

Instead Isis is cute.

Isis is nearly as short as Laura herself, curvy with a heart shaped face. Making her plush lips and large eyes look all that more beautiful. She looks young.

Everything about her seems to glow, but less like something other worldly and more like joy. She smiles brightly at sister and son, bubbling with soft laughter as they talk. Nothing about her movements is overly graceful, she is frantically eager and emotional. In this moment, she is not elegant and stately. Nor is she trying to pretend to like so many other gods and goddesses have tried.

Laura can't help but stare, trying vainly to find the line where goddess and woman meet but in Isis she realizes maybe there isn't one. 

In midst her staring, the small goddess finally calms down and cuts the distance between them. The laser focus she once had for her son, now locks on to Laura as if she physically marked a target on the dead girl. Who can do nothing but freeze and accept the woman's space budding onto her own.

“You and I are long over due for a talk.”

Laura pulls back her lips into a dry, tight smile.

“You could say, I've been waiting a life time.”

Isis’s eyes glitter with amusement even when behind them Mad Sweeney groans in mock pain at her line. With a gentle touch, Isis moves her aside to look the leprechaun up and down. Her expression a cross between unimpressed and curiosity.

“Let me guess, Mad Sweeney?”

Laura gets some sick satisfaction seeing him go pale and nervous. He even takes his hands out of his pockets and attempts to look polite.

She wants to tell him that particular endeavor is hopeless.

“Aye.”

Isis nods, “Well, you can go now.”

“What?” Laura surprises herself by asking, not even sure why her voice sounds mad. Fuck, not even the idiot himself questions the goddess. He just stands there looking at the pair of them. “Go where?”

“Away?” Isis answers bluntly. “The conversation we need to have should be a private one, don't you think? At the very least, I assumed you wouldn't want your killer to take part in.” -and before Laura can get a word in to question that, she answers, “And yes, we know that too. Odin’s ravens were not the only things watching that night.”

“She's got a point dead girl…I should go.” He adds.

Laura glares at his stupid sad face, “Shut the fuck up. I did not suffer your presence all this time for you to just leave. Let alone to be dismissed like some serving boy.” Though some private part of her knows this is illogical. That if she finds him so annoying, she should want him gone. But she is a possessive dead girl these days, and she doesn't have much but him and a coin to call her own.

(She refuses to look too deeply into that fact she claims him at all)

Instead she turns her attention back to Isis, “Look, no offense but if anyone is going to tell him to fuck off its me. And I didn't, so he stays, okay?”

Isis’s soft smile blooms into a wider, altogether more wicked one. Like she is utterly pleased by Laura's response, and its only when Nephthys starts to laugh does she remember that Isis loves a good trick.

Shit.

If she had any hot blood in her, it would be rising to her cheeks. Maybe even her ears. Right now, if she were alive. She would be flushed with embarrassment.

But she's dead and thank god for that.

Ha.

+

In the end, Mad Sweeney and Laura join Isis at a small seating area in her office. Nephthys and Horus leave them, saying cheerful goodbyes that don't seem like such, as if one day soon their paths will cross again and soon.

“Do you want anything?” Isis asks, as she pours herself a glass of red wine from a near by table of assorted drinks. Mad Sweeney approaches cautiously but once he knows this isn't a trick question of sorts, points to the southern comfort bottle. She hands the bottle to him and goes to hand him a glass too but he takes the offered bottle and runs. Choosing to put as much physical distance as he can between him and the goddess without actually leaving the room.

“Am I really that scary?” She asks the dead woman, taking the empty glass with her as she sits down to hand to Laura. Who promptly shoves it under his nose. With a gruff sound of annoyance he pops the bottle open and fills her glass.

Isis watches.

Under her stare Mad Sweeney bristles, wants to tell her “Yes, Jesus fucking Christ, yes! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING. AND THIS IS EXAMPLE FUCKING ONE” -but instead he finds his voice and says, “I already have one small overly strong bitch who has my balls in her pocket. Not really in the market for another.”

(Never forget he has a death wish)

Isis chuckles and lets his insult slide, “She has more than just your balls.” She says it with such knowing that it freezes his blood. Like she has reached in with clever hands and stolen a secret he wasn't aware could so easily been taken. “Don't look so surprised.”

Mad Sweeney attempts to keep his shit together, gently coughs and looks at the goddess, “Not surprised, more like mystified.”

“Its common knowledge by now that she is only walking because of your coin. Your luck.”

Do not sigh in relief. He tells himself while taking a long gulp straight from the bottle. Mostly to buy himself an ounce of time and the chance to look away from her iron gaze. It’s easier to breath when he isn’t.

“Is it now? Wasn't aware that Grimnir and you were so close.”

Just like that, the warmth of the room vanishes and Isis's good mood with it. Replacing her joy with fury. She doesn't hide it, the rage is in her like a storm, radiating from her eyes. In her voice.

“I am no friend of your former employee. If I could smear his name from my memory I would. Just as I would burn him to ash. To let my sons consume him whole. If there is a punishment too cruel to name, I want him to experience it a thousand times.” Isis promises this with venom, spits it out like a rattle snake, forcing Sweeney physically leans away from her.

“Aye, alright. So you didn't hear it from him. Am I allowed to ask how you did?”

The goddess visibly cools her anger and shrugs, “Well, the coin is technically one of mine isn't it? Or rather of an Isis.”

Mad Sweeney and Laura both balk, but he more than her as he quickly forgets his place, “No, it ain't. It's mine. Always has been.”

“Always?”

“YES ALWAYS.” He shouts only to promptly remember…not always. He didn't make it after all, he was no black smith. “It was given to me as a gift when I was a king.”

The petite goddess doesn't smile, but her gaze softens. “Like any good coin, it was made to be used. Not locked up in some vault, to collect dust. I am not mad it fell into your hands, I'm sure it was meant to.” From no where, she plucks a similar gold coin into existence. So much like his own ability that for half a second he feels disjointed. Jealous. 

“Now, my coins, here and now. Those are just shades of magic I have left to spare to the occasional customer who spends it here. What you have Laura, is a piece of the original Isis's magic. Meant not just to bring luck, but justice. Strength to obtain it. Maybe it was placed on your grave without intent, but I have a funny feeling it would just as easily been rolled out of a pocket. The wind would have carried it out, a stray crow or cat would have helped it along.”

“It's meant for a king.” Sweeney tries again, refusing the idea that this is the part of the story always meant to be told. That she was always meant to have it, because if that is true, it means he was always meant to kill her.

And that is too fucked up for him to take.

Isis chuckles warmly at his indignation, “Is it such a strange thought that a king is sometimes a woman?”

Mad Sweeney bites his tongue is muted anger; he’s not good at it, he knows he looks pissed and he can’t stop tapping his foot, but there isn’t a damn thing he can say or do. Isis isn’t wrong, and nor will she allow herself to be to the likes of him. 

He has no power here, no strength and no fucking clue. 

+

“I am not a king,” Laura says in Mad Sweeney’s silence. 

Just short of outraged since this isn't answering anything. In fact, it's just drawing in more questions. “I was just a normal, if really shitty and depressed chick who made some terrible choices. So, you’ve got the wrong dead girl, sorry.”

“A king isn’t just someone with a crown, or a throne, sometimes it is earned. You need the right spirit, to be strong enough to handle that kind of power.” Isis explains, taking a sip of her wine before placing it down. 

“And who says I have that?” Laura digs, this is starting to hurt. She wanted answers, she wanted to find a way back to life. Not to peel back the pages of her dirty end, she knew that part of the story. She was there, wasn't she? 

She knew what fueled her, the sick and overwhelming emptiness that demanded anything and anyone to fill it; of what mistakes came from that sickness, how she had hurt everyone who ever knew her name. She knows all the players involved, of Odin and Sweeney, of Shadow and the ravens who watched.

Just as she knows that part of the story won't change. It's not a rotted tooth she can remove and get away with. It's bone disease, infecting the whole jaw. It's cognitive heart disease. It's apart of her, and it was always going to kill her, one way or another. There is not enough black ink and faith in the world to erase it.

“I know Shadow didn't mean to give me the coin, that I’m only getting this chance because numb nuts over there made a mistake...that even in death, I’m still massively screwing up. I don’t know what am I doing, like at all.” She gives a hysterical chuckle, “I kicked a dude's balls right through his mouth because I didn't know my own strength. I nearly gave my best friend a heart attack because I forgot for one second what I am. I kidnapped a cute little Salim-not Salim for his car, before I knew how much I was getting in the way of his love story. I killed Odin without knowing what that would even mean in the long run. I let Shadow go like it didn't even matter. Even now, I haven't learned anything from this whole mess, haven't found one damn thing that makes sense. Actually, it's been pretty much the exact opposite. I feel like I'm learning less, because now I have to worry about who will eat me because I'm dead or how fucked I am if I’m glued to Lucky Charms over here, and what that means.”

“Oi!” Sweeney hisses, but she ignores him and continues.

“It's obvious at this point, I am doing whatever the fuck I can to keep myself literally together. And yes, I know it's not going well. I know an old Mcdonald's french fry has a better chance of coming back than I do. I am not a fool, you don't have to pretend with me, okay? I don't have the strength of spirit, just like I don't have a light heart. I am not a king or a queen, I am a dead girl who wants something more than nothing.” Laura's voice trembles out of her, and she realizes slowly that Odin hadn't managed to spill all her secrets. 

She still has one left.

“And...and if that's not possible. If I can't get it from you or anyone else, fucking tell me now, because I am tired. I am so tired. Of rotting away and shoving air fresheners down my shirt just so ginger bitch over there doesn't puke all day. I am tired of being followed by every fly and insect, of spitting out maggots and embalming fluid. Of feeling my skin tear, of my nails dropping off and my teeth rattling around in my skull.” The truth pours out of her now, as if the stitching on her chest has come undone, “Of sewing myself up, alone in the dark. Like the world’s saddest Frankenstein girl.”

There's silence and then a clack and a clang, a loud ringing after her confession. Someone downstairs has won big time.

Laura wonders if there was a word for suicidal for the already dead.

She refuses to look at Sweeney when she's done speaking. He's been with her all this time; has seen more sides of herself than she would ever be comfortable with from anyone else. Fuck, he might be her last real tie to the world, might be the last thing she believes in but she never ever wanted him to hear this. 

Admitting it feels too much like confession.

He has been an unwilling witness to her so many of her failures and some small petty thing in her really wishes she could tell him to fuck off for good.

-but then she would be alone, truly alone.

He's done more for her, bitching aside, than anyone has ever done for her. Maybe she'd never forgive him for his part to play in her death, but worse things have happened to her since then and in the grand scheme of things, she knows he's low on the list of villains.

Unlike anyone else, at least he's been trying, and she has noticed. Not grateful, never fucking grateful, but she's noticed.

Sad truth is, if she can't be brought to life, if this whole journey has been for nothing and her getting the coin at all has just been some cosmic joke -she’s ready for it to be over. Laura is done, and the only reason she’s even trying now is the small hope she has that it isn’t. Not because she deserves it, but because now it’s not just her at stake. 

-he is too.

(She is tired enough to admit, that she really doesn't want him gone.)

>

[sinnhelmingrmoved]

@destinysthralls said: 📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜📜 ravioli ravioli give me the formuoli

:)))

Hel and Fang are both polearm fighters. Why not have some sparring with a bet riding on it? A lil fun a lil flirty mostly getting a good sweat going. Get up close and personal trying to take your opponent down and get your way.

One more day until Vanille has to go out and find her new purpose. Time to spend it doing everything they can together until she has to go. Hel not wanting tears, but a happy memory to bookend Vanille’s time with her.

Hel doesn’t know shit about men and here comes Snow crashing in on the squad and giving her a crash course on the human male. Odd friendship ensues once they learn to get along with each other.

The chocobros gain something of a guardian angel, a false friend and ally who merely ensures parts are played and that Noctis is poised to do what her lover requires of him. During all of the subterfuge, two devoted servants to a royal start to bond.

‘I’m being held hostage by this small child and I don’t even mind please introduce me to Chocolina because I hear she is the best thing in the world next to you’ ; or, how Dajh is really good at this friend making thing.

Gladio got his ass beat by the divine once and is not over it, why won’t you face me in battle again you coward? And quoth the Messenger, boy, you would literally die if I came at you again.

Hel has been a part of Aerith’s life, never constant but coming and going as she can. She knew a daughter imprisoned, a girl in a church, and only at the end does Aerith come to realize what was truly hanging over her head -- and how it pains higher powers.

Everyone is on high alert that someone broke into a base and stole Ardyn’s car because it cannot be located. Hel rolls up two hours later in custody with smoothies and a lot of explaining to do because she just wanted to drive the car you monsters.

Cloud and Hel are both traveling worlds looking for people who are important to them in some ways. Hel could use his strength if he could use her connections as they move between KH worlds seeking the lost.

Axel and Saix are itching for a throne to throw as Hel struggles to run her own games behind the scenes. They soon become players in a cat and mouse scenario to obscure their exact motivations while forced to play along with Xehanort’s own ideas.

Hel becomes very intrigued by Barrett’s goals and ultimate success. What do you even do with weird goth chicks that know too much and are a little too happy to see you? What does she mean by she has a message from a friend?

She promises Zack will live on, but he’s not too pleased with the reality of that statement back on Earth. If Aerith is bad about bartering to go back I just imagine Zack is that but on crack. And now Hel is Suffering.

Hel becomes a north star to Xemnas across whatever time he finds himself in, always ready to welcome him back, always ready to listen. So what happens in a time when she cannot be found?

Even gets ‘adopted’ because Hel is just in love with him and his brain. Featuring Even actually having to answer to someone older than him and them talking lore and science for hours as their schedules allow.

Get your contract buddy ATW doesn’t deserve you and I’m taking all of you back to my realm where y’all will get some RESPECT. Yes, Aeleus, you are included in this staff breakout. No she won’t explain herself.

What better way to protect the future than gaining some divine backup? Hel would be happy to help Hope with his goals if she can stop asking who let a child run an organization on his own. No ma’am he is in fact an adult--

‘I don’t know if I kidnapped your moogle or if your moogle kidnapped me but apparently you needed something and I’m sorry for distracting the creature, how can I possibly make it up to you Serah?’

Rude is supposed to be keeping tabs on some kind of creature sighted in certain regions. Hel is less than thrilled with the surveillance, and starts playing games with Rude that leave him questioning if he has been compromised or not.

A Queen of Darkness and a Princess of Light come together in a sort of mentor-student arrangement where Hel can help Kairi grow stronger if Kairi will help get her up to speed on what the fuck the plot outside of the Organization even is to her.

Two immortals spot each other from across the castle despite the bodies they wear, recognize each other’s hearts, and start to roast the shit out of each other: A Hel and Xigbar story.

Local Guado Wants To Crack The Code Of How Lulu ‘Does That’ With Her Puppets, Starts Staying Almost Up Her Ass, Romance Ensues as They Discuss The Journey, Craft, and General Gayness.

A young Guado smells something Hinky on a not so local Guardian. No, Jecht, she will not be so easily put aside. She has the good booze and she will get answers, even if they are all fake.

Hel reunites with a Guardian she met in passing some years ago, and He Reeks of the Farplane. Not that it’s her place to judge. She’s just as curious as ever and willing to listen if he ever wants to talk about what he is.

Two outsiders to the Human majority of Spira band together and will not be separated. Hel is willing to share her spiritualism with Rikku if she will repay in kind with talk of Machina and her native tongue.

Hel actually hearing Dona out and seeing past her antagonism to the fact she’s still willing to undertake a Pilgrimage to try and save the world. Someone actually treats Dona politely. That means the world to me.

SHIPPING! (not necessarily our muses shipping together just shipping as a component of our muses interacting)

Hel discovers that Fang’s breaking point is softness and non-sexual PDA in public. So she continues to press this killswitch for her own amusement on a date night, letting Fang be both loved and mortified the entire evening.

Hel and Vanille get a pet, and then run through conversations they can have to convince Fang this is clearly the best idea ever and not trouble waiting to happen. Just a small domestic fluff about adding to their little family.

When your wives are very important and busy so you get to stay in all night and brag about how much you love them to another work widow(er), or how Snow and Hel don’t worry and just accept they are bonded to actual goddesses.

Hel tries to discern the exact relationship dynamics of the Chocobros and is chided for having ‘shipping goggles’ on. So she goes to Ignis to clear up any confusion. Shenanigans ensue as she either holds the crew dead to rights or is hilariously off the mark.

‘What does ‘If I Had To Pick a Dude’ even mean?’ ‘That you are overthinking a party game and making it weirder than it has to be.’ Or, did she actually mean anything by that or was Sazh just the most tolerable man present?

‘STOP LOOKING AT MY BONER WHEN WE FIGHT’ Or, does Gladio actually mean anything by that or is getting the blood pumping simply messing with his body in ways he cannot control?

Hel calls it Aerith’s Girlhood, a place set aside, a bed in a field of flowers, a sky sheltering and painted with false stars. She makes it soft for her. This is the way of courtship, isn’t it? I read a lot of Gluck and I need a ‘Myth of Devotion’ plot for them.

For ten years, she is the Night’s Queen, though he will not call her that. She is a consort, wearing the crown of an ancient queen, wandering broken hallways, watching him slowly come undone. And she loves him still. Ten years is nothing next to two thousand.

‘So what does Aerith mean to you?’ ‘A lot.’ ‘Oh. What does Zack mean to you?’ And she understands perfectly what his exhaustion with questions means. Road trips and the inevitable embarrassing romantic questions.

Axel and Hel both understanding what it is to watch the one you love battle with themselves, to become a stranger at their cruelest. Share a smoke. Waste the night playing ‘Yes, But’ with someone that understands.

Barrett’s very handsome, and she is very lonely, and she thinks he is a wonderful person. Does he have any plans, now that the Apocalypse is over? Or, she keeps getting weirder and keeps haunting his door.

‘So, you and Aerith, is that going to make things awkward?’ Hel thought she was tired before she started a relationship with both her Persephone and her Knight. Hel is, of course, entitled to be wrong. And exhausted. So very exhausted.

Hel presents Xemnas with an offering that must mean something to him, in what he knows of the old man’s life. She will have him always, if permitted. The question is, will he agree to sharing the Paopu to seal the deal?

‘Isn’t it slightly unethical to date your boss?’ Even is a grown man but Hel cannot help but tease his long term ‘thing’ with aforementioned Boss. But it’s also nice to hear of another side of the Sage King.

‘I will give you many munnies if you will escort me to this fancy dinner because your partner in crime is already spoken for. No, Aeleus, I did not say as my body guard. I said as my escort.’

‘You know, people really like that vulnerable, sensitive thing you have going on.’ ‘This is the last conversation I ever want to be having.’ Or words to that effect. Hel ribs The Baby for being a bit of A Babe when grown.

Please explain to Hel how your relationship works because she is fascinated by the fact someone looks at Snow and said yes, this is where I have chosen to lay my affections for life.

Surveillance Creeper happens to crash an anniversary dinner Rude arranged by sitting a few tables away, observing but never interfering, apparently minding her own business but she’s just THERE SHE’S RIGHT THERE.

Mombie talks to baby about relationships and girls and boys and just has a nice heart to heart about it all. Based on that one Kairi-As-Ansem’s-Daughter idea that I’m still so pumped about.

.Hel and Xigbar make a bet about the relationship status of two of the Foretellers. Both try to doctor the narrative to suit their own take on the pair, obscuring fact, fiction, history, and near fanfiction.

The morning after a ‘There Is Only One Bed’ trope, and how both actually feel comfortable and at ease after so long alone. Can be before relationship or their first night alone together in the same bed, but consider it, won’t you?

Hel has a discussion with someone that Summoners getting involved with their Guardians is completely natural. She talks like she has experience. Well, yeah, not personal experience but -- and someone’s brain breaks at what she is implying.

Hel feels sad about Auron being the only one left, having lost two people he loved. Two people who have lost a lot in different contexts just have a comforting moment together to not be alone. Not romo but more based on lost romo.

‘So tell me about this Paine I’ve heard so much about :))))’ or, Rikku comes to realize she has been adopted and her Guado Mom wants to meet the GF. Chaos can completely ensue coming off of this.

Dona’s pretty and Hel is gay, that’s all I got. Literally anything could happen up to and including Hel making a complete ass of herself trying to either avoid Dona or interact with her without throwing off pheromones.

AUS!

Hel is some kind of figure in the spotlight -- a socialite, a performer, someone of note. Fang is her bodyguard here to keep her safe. No one would ever guess at what happens behind closed doors, the tension that runs between the two of them in spite of contracts and official relationships.

Breakfast club college AU. Just a couple of girls trying to get their shit together and honest to God looking like a modern take on the eponymous movie. They love each other and are here to do kegstands.

Hel is snow’s weirdo neighbor in their apartment complex but damn if he doesn’t know ho to bring the community together. Sometimes in the worst ways, but hey, anything to kick goth chick out of her shell.

Ignis and Hel are rival spies. They play long games and pursue the same leads, each trying to end the stalemate between their respective countries. Both are also far closer to the ruling class than they allow the other to believe.

Hel is just a simple pediatrician. Dajh is a very adventurous boy with a very invested father. At this point Sazh is on her Yule card list, and the two strike up a sort of friendship after hours.

Gym bro/personal trainer Gladio gets a knew client that is too tiny too delicate for this world. That is exactly what she is here to work on. Time to get swole little chronically ill stick woman.

Local witch swears that Aerith’s is the best place to get ritual plants and flowers despite ribbing claiming that she has a crush on the owner, but that crush theory really starts to hold water when the plant Hel really really really needs once is a... succulent.

Ardyn’s the beautiful but chronically ill next best thing in art, fashion, or film. Hel is his nurse and constant companion, the only one that gets to see the man behind the glamour when he is at his worst. Romance ensues.

There’s only one thing above an Angel, and she has come to offer herself to Cloud in his world-saving pursuits. If a covenant can be forged, then who knows what he will become, but at least this ghost will be real.

Yeah it’s awkward for our partners that we moved in next door to each other, but that’s really Isa and Xemnas’ baggage. I, on the other hand, like you and want to be friends. Or, Lea and Hel are goblins.

Hel as the relative to one of ShinRa’s high rollers, selling out her uncle’s secrets and business dealings to AVALANCHE without a second’s hesitation. She’s the inside woman, and one of Barrett’s biggest supporters, even if only in silence.

The feather that fell on the Colosseum did not belong to a certain Angel. What happens when Hel interferes in the life of one mortal who wants only to be a hero, one willing to work hard to get there?

Xemnas is the new literary hotness trying his hand at a play. Hel is the actress that fought tooth and nail for the lead roll. Problem: She has more chemistry with the creator than her fellow lead.

Hel is what was dragged into the lab twelve years ago. For freedom from this castle, she can whisper eldritch knowledge in Even’s ear, slippery as poison. What, precisely, have they pulled from the Darkness, and what threat does she present?

Similar to the above, but Hel knows not how to reason with this guard. He is meant to protect, to defend. All she can do is study him with those cold, sad eyes, try to stir his heart while he still has it.

We Are All Just God’s Abandoned Children. That’s one way to welcome a young foster kid to the house, but Hel is going to look out for this younger kid Hope anyway. Found family ensues.

Mog the Dog is in love with Garmr the Dog. We have to stop meeting like this. People will talk. They’re on texting terms just to say ‘Your dog’s here, he’s fine. Either he’ll find his way home or you can come get him whenever.’

Why would ShinRa have her trailed by the TURKS if they didn’t suspect her of her involvement with AVALANCHE? Tiem for Hel to pull out all the stops to try and throw Rude off her scent.

Reuniting with your family is hard. Harder when you have no memory of said family and Dad has a new love interest. Despite all of that, Hel comes to dote on Kairi, giving them a chance to bond and Kairi get a mom.

A Hel and Xigbar idea: Politician’s daughter and Assassin. MB he’s assigned to keep an eye on her when shit gets real in some of her father’s business dealings. Whether he’s for or against her family would be fun to plot.

Local Goth Summons The Goddess of the Dead, Intentionally or Otherwise ; Death Thinks She’s Kind of Cute. Lulu gains a patron and Hel gains a crush.  Everyone goes home happy.

Hel’s the nerdy shy kid in gym class and Jecht is the zealous coach that she despises. Except then she needs an athletic extracurricular to round out her college application. Teeth clenched teamwork for personal and team success.

High fantasy AU where Auron is the black knight who presses on, with a rider all in black hounding his every step. She appears every night to share his company, a little wine, and remind him of their bargain. She’s not reaped him yet, but once his business on earth is settled... He will return to her embrace.

Hel finds a new community once kicked out of Guado society. Or, in which Hel follows after the Al-Bhed and becomes a part of Rikku’s life from a young age, thus securing Momability.

Hel becomes one of Dona’s guardians along the way, and the two fight viciously over who gets to use the brain cell while being harmonious in most other aspects of traveling together. Romance may or may not ensue.

Other muses!

Eraqus: Please stop wrecking shit this is getting out of hand-- Fang: FcuK YUO-- And then they gotta fight and cause further property damage.

I don’t know whose verse we base it in but I need Vanille and Gwynevere to team up, maximize slay, and generally be absolute icons with soft spots for their legendary badass partners.

Kokoro and Snow interacting would be amazing and you know it. I don’t know who would crack first. Kokoro’s realism or Snow’s optimism.

Aqua, Ignis, and discussing how you have to be the strong one holding up the ones you love, no matter the cost. I feel like we could really break our hearts with this one.

Eraqus and Sazh could get frustrated at the kids for having gone a little nuts while they were out on a date, but y’know what? They’re in a good mood. Just cuddle and let the kids sleep and deal with it in the morning.

Eraqus, formerly of the Kingsguard before he got too old to serve, and the esteem of one young Amacitia mb. That or Gladio befriends Eraqus just to piss Kokoro off if we wanna play it that way.

Kokoro being uselessly gay for Aerith FOR TEN YEARS in Traverse Town and having no brain cells to actually convey that to her, then they meet again in Radiant Garden and well fuck she’s still crushing hard.

Every night, the Kingsguard’s daughter storms the city, makes her way towards the Citadel, and means to slay the Dragon. He has not killed her yet. Ardyn and Kokoro have a particular dance, and they cannot say why.

Aerith and Cloud getting soft comrade moments because they have both been through so much please. Please let them catch one break and get to act their actual ages and have a moment for life before it’s all gone for one of them.

Aria and Axel would be fantastic because they’re both a very controlled flame, they both just sort of are casually dangerous. I just want to play them off of each other and see if they end up allies or rivals.

Eraqus and Barrett working together in the field in our FF7 AU. Looking out for each other. Timing their attacks perfectly for the opportunity to fuck ShinRa up as much as possible.

Eraqus has to deal with this kid that is infatuated with his student. Does that kid have a boombox. What the fuck. This shit keeps happening.

Roleswap Xemkoro. Eraqus having become too zealous and thrown off the balance of light and darkness, seeking Kingdom Hearts to wash the world in light and begin again. Xemnas as the echo of an old friend who will see this ended before it goes that far. Kokoro the dutiful daughter who runs things in her father’s absence, who is drawn to this familiar stranger even as they oppose one another at every turn.

Even’s adopting Kokoro. Your father forbid you from pursuing certain knowledge? Terrible, he doesn’t deserve to be a father. I am your father now. We’re going to the opera. You have so much to learn. Meet your brother Ienzo.

We don’t know why Mads has imprinted on this guard in particular, she just has and she will not leave him alone.

I just want Aerith and hope to interact and her to try and cheer him up please. please.

Just throw Serah at anyone via time travel and all of that I can just imagine her falling into anyone’s life tbh. Try and dance around who you are and where in the hell you came from.

Aria is a TURK in training and guess who she gets to shadow for a day? Teach Her Rude!

Aqua and Kairi need to bond! Aqua and Kairi need to have a mentor-student dynamic! They need to catch up! They need to be friends! I will not be silenced!

Eraqus as a descendant of Brain, who fought to oppose MoM and Luxu, meeting with Luxu in some body before Braig. Can you even imagine the tension and sins of the father in that room? Sweet Jesus.

Braska mb interacting with Lulu once or twice because he wants to know about the other children his daughter is so fond of, the ones who... will be there for her, when he is not. Let’s all have a cry about it.

Long Dad Talk ‘Come To Yevon’ meetings between Braska and Jecht where Braska offers no judgment, only support for Jecht to get better. BC growth is important. And so is being a good dad, Braska knows.

Auron’s Bi Awakening for this church pretty boy.

Flower girl meets machine girl. IDK how. Aerith and Rikku rights.

Kokoro and Dona are implicitly to the public confirmed behind closed doors sapphic summoners. cuteness ensues.

Other Muse AUs!

I still want the Xemkoro Penny Dreadful AU. Our haunted and hell-touched protagonist with the werefox lady lead far from home. With Kokoro still trying to figure out how the hell Satan thought appearing as ATW was going to make Xem drop his pants. And then gets baffled that it worked.

Younger Eraqus ends up in Radiant Gardens and runs into Even. Has to play it cool about not being from this world. This world he knows nothing about. Even smells a rat.

Ok hear me out AU where ATW cannot and does not return. Mads goes from heiress apparent to a girl-queen to a world she cannot remember. Kokoro stays on as her regent, arguing that though she is an outsider, she is a blue blood, a noble, the descendant of royalty in her own homeland. But both she and the young queen will need a defender. And for that, she turns to a certain guard...

The Xemrith Hades and Persephone AU. Let’s do it. Let’s go all out. I wanna see it come to fruition.

Also, Xemqua Deathless AU. A deathless king spirits away a clever young fairytale maiden, and all the tears and horror that comes with such a story.

Braska is not the one to defeat Sin. He and his party have to go home and face themselves and figure out ‘What Now?’ as we go fully AU.

Single Dad muses in a modern AU forming a friend group. They all hang out once or twice a month and do fun things together. It’s great. It’s soothing. Nobody goes it alone.

Aerith and Zack getting a happily ever after??? In an AU???

Modern AU Braska, Jecht, and Auron navigating a relationship like the Fooles they are. Braska’s a simple youth pastor with a lot of love to give and incalculable migraines from his babes.

Mads and Rikku as friends burning the whole ass world to the ground. Because come on. Come on.

Anything with my Eraqus and your Aqua please I am dying here. I need some good family interactions.

Kokoro and Fang as sparring partners in some form or fashion. I need to see my queens just battle for dominance. I am very gay please have mercy.

KH AU Gwynevere as a pinnacle of a land of light having to come face to face with Xemnas and all the darkness that follows him.

Kokoro continues to bully Gladio no matter the verse. Because we know she does. Gladio has no rights.

AU where Kairi and Mads are like roommates or neighbors or online pals and get to be sunshine girls and nobody is hurt and no one has any loss of worlds to forget.

Aria as an AVALANCHE agent who infiltrated the TURKs and all that implies for your muses. Good for any of the rebels or even for Rude as far as plotting goes.

A whole ass pantheon AU. Get all our muses in it. Go absolutely balls to the wall nuts.

Mads playing matchmaker to Kokoro and Xemnas in some modern verse. Maybe playing Cyrano and leaving them little clues and letters allegedly from each other.

Sami we are simple gays. And we need DnD AUs. And we can divide our muses into parties and just have at it in some setting. Pwease.

Braska being a supportive dad to pop star Yuna and Rikku is along for the ride and so now he has a whole other kid to be taking care of.

AUs where ships were just a moment off of canon. Where someone walked away, where they just missed each other, where love did not conquer, where love did not last, where someone died, where someone lived, just. The what if of a life without each other.

Fuck me sideways can you imagine Braska Auron and Jecht in a college AU because I don’t think Jecht’s liver will survive.

Kokoro actually embraces her adolescent feelings for a childhood friend and pursues Aqua, only for RP canon to still happen as outlined.

Kokoro mainverse where she is a high born lady of Scala and Aqua arrives to explain what has been going down in the last twelve years and ‘oh no I’m gay.’

And, of course, that one Xemkoro idea we have involving the story never truly ending ;)

And because I still owe you two, here are two generals:

A time traveler’s wife au, any ship u want bb.

Family stuff. Found families, adoption, siblings, parent and child, ship babies, the pet is basically our kid, we have each other and that makes our family, anything I just need some familial relationships to water my crops.

[lucacangettathisass]

‘There’s just nothing inside you, nothing at all.’

The Southern Raiders Episode And Kataang Zutara Katara

so a few years ago (i wanna say 2014? smthn like that) @irresistible-revolution mentioned wanting to write a meta about the southern raiders episode of atla and how it’s really about katara and not kataang or zutara. i’ve just finished the episode and i have my own thoughts on that so i’ve decided to get them out and dedicate the following meta/word vomit to her.

(also @gameofdooweeoo since u seem to enjoy my word vomits and @mythaelogy since u asked for content. i know it isnt the meta i was talking about, but hopefully this can tide u over until then.)

spoilers ahead obvi.

so, i think we can all agree that atla is a far more mature show than what is usually aimed at children. from the themes of war, imperialism, lost innocence, and compassion and the lack thereof (still working on that meta, gonna finish the show before i really knuckle down and get started on it), among many others, it’s safe to say that it’s an incredibly mature show, and an episode that best exemplifies that is ‘the southern raiders’.

quick recap: when they were still children, katara and sokka’s mother, kya, was killed during a raid on the southern water tribe to find waterbenders (the show only has katara and sokka say their mother was taken from them which implies imprisonment, which did happen to previous benders, but it’s far more heavily implied that she actually died. kinda weird how they kept that ambiguous considering all the other stuff that was included but eh.), and the raid was lead by yohn ra. years later, after joining the gaang, zuko offers katara, who still harbours hatred and anger towards yohn ra, a chance at revenge and closure. now, here’s where some of the shipping wars and conflicts arise.

full disclosure, i ship both of these ships and have done for years, so i never really focused on that aspect of the episode, however i can see why other people did.

i don’t involve myself in shipping discourse, but from what i’ve seen there are some zutara shippers (as well as non shippers) who say that zuko is helping katara deal with her emotions, while aang invalidates them. i would like to respectfully disagree.

in this point in time, zuko is still dealing with his own intense emotional trauma and learning to let go of his anger as well as trying to get katara to like and trust him, and he sees this as a way to accomplish the latter. he was raised in an environment that encouraged aggression and violence, and no doubt getting revenge would’ve been part of that. and i don’t just mean his homelife/childhood, but we’ve seen how society in the fire nation is also geared towards violence (as is typical of imperialist, warmongering nations, but that’s a meta for another day), so it would make sense for him to jump to that as a course of action. i also believe he’s living his own revenge fantasy vicariously through katara, he was unable to save his mother as a child, and perhaps sees this as a way to make up for that (even though he was, y’know, a child). this is not to say that zuko’s thinking was inherently wrong. his thinking and view of the world had been so thoroughly warped by that stage, that to him, getting an eye for an eye was more than fair for katara. he may have changed sides, but it takes far more than that to undo such intense cultural conditioning. his feelings and opinion on how katara should deal with her grief are every bit as valid as aang’s.

another moment for disclosure; i 100% agree with aang in this instance, no question. revenge is all well and good, but an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind and whatnot. one of the biggest messages of atla is how violence begets violence and that breaking that cycle is the only way forward (this will be further discussed in that ‘atla and compassion’ meta), and aang has shown this attitude throughout the series. despite the fact that he’s literally the most powerful bender in the world, aang has consistently shown to value non violent approaches to conflicts, as he was taught by the monks (who, as we all know, were based off buddhist monks). and when he tells katara he understands what she’s going through, he means it. don’t forget, he’s the last airbender, the lone survivor of a genocide. when he went to the southern air temple and saw the destruction, he was enraged and went into the avatar state over it. he carries that weight and anger and loss and grief with him every day, the same way katara carries hers. he knows this pain, knows it all too well, and he doesn’t want it to drag katara down. she’s a lively, vibrant, compassionate soul, which he (and myself and i’m sure many others) loves, choosing to exact revenge on someone, however ‘deserving’ of it they may be, could easily twist that. if she does it then, what’s stopping her from doing it again and again and again? and what’s to stop anyone else from trying to exact revenge on her? the cycle continues, the wheel spins, and nothing is changed. in the end he does concede that this is something she needs to do and accepts that, although not without some trepidation, because it’s about her and her feelings. and he’s right.

now for katara.

here’s the thing about katara: as a character, she truly is one of a kind. she’s a young woman (of colour) who is shown to be kind, loving, compassionate, friendly, and brave, all the good things a person should aspire to be. but the writers don’t try to kid themselves or us into believing that that’s all she is. she’s also ruthless, can hold a grudge like nobody’s business (obvi as a grudge is the catalyst for this episode), and possess a temper that is honestly rarely seen in a female character (ur fave could never, as the kids say). and that side of her is on full display this episode. the writers never once make katara seem ridiculous or vindictive or petty for holding onto this anger, they are totally honest about it. sometimes even kind, sweet people we love and hold dear to us are capable of extreme hate and violence, and we need to reconcile that. and we also need to deal with our grief and anger in our own ways.

the loss of her mother is significant to katara in ways that are different to sokka. this is not to say that losing his mother didn’t affect sokka, of course it did, but it was different for them both. katara had become the mother to both her and sokka (sokka himself said in ‘the runaway’ that when he tries to picture his mother’s face, he sees katara), which is a huge responsibility. there was of course gran gran and hakoda, but sokka’s comment is very revealing. katara and sokka lost more than their mother that day, they lost their innocence, and katara specifically lost her chance at girlhood. she had to, or at least felt like she had to, step up and replace her mother, a responsibility that was no doubt kicked up a notch once hakoda left for war (possibly another reason why she resented hakoda for leaving? discuss.). after all gran gran was an old woman, expecting her to care for two children, one of which was their tribe’s last waterbender, is somewhat unrealistic. and while there is a feeling that everyone in the southern water tribe would’ve pitched in and raised all the kids together, katara still felt the need to become the new mother (and considering sokka’s pre-series sexism, it’s unlikely he was a big help), while not knowing what to do. sure she would’ve learned from gran gran and the other women, but there’s more to motherhood, self imposed or not, than just tasks. there’s being an emotional support, a voice of reason, an example of bravery. being all of these things is taxing on an adult, nevermind a heavily traumatized child. yohn ra made katara grow up too fast. he ripped her girlhood away from her. it’s only fair she rips what’s left of his life from him.

when we meet yohn ra, he is far from the fierce raider commander from the flashbacks. he’s now an old man, living with his (implied to be abusive) mother, and tending to a garden. while he still displays some skill at firebending, it’s clear that he’s no match for zuko and katara, who in a previous scene expressed a willingness to bloodbend despite her reservations about it in ‘the puppet master’ (a prime example of just how fierce she can be). katara is able to stop some of the rain, creating a dome of cover for the three of them, after revealing that she was the last waterbender in the southern water tribe, not her mother. she creates a flurry of sharp icicles, all of which look like they could easily impale yohn ra, and throws them at him.

and then she stops. she calls off the attack.

yohn ra takes the opportunity to try and placate katara, admitting that what he did was wrong (was he sincere or just trying to save his ass? discuss.) and beg for mercy, offering up his own mother’s life (an eye for an eye). katara says that before, she couldn’t imagine why someone would do something like take away a person’s mother. and she says that she’s understands now.

‘there’s nothing inside you, nothing at all. you’re pathetic and sad and empty.’

it’s something that i’m sure many victims/survivors wish they could say to the people who traumatized them. you did this horrible thing to me, nothing you do or say can undo it or untraumatize me. you’re pathetic, sad, empty. you’re nothing. for katara, it’s no doubt a cathartic moment. throughout the years, despite not knowing his name, yohn ra was the monster that lurked under her bed. the shadows that seemed to move on dark nights. the nightmares that chased away pleasant dreams and sleep.

yohn ra cries, begging for mercy.

and katara grants it.

she tells him that as much as she hates him, she can’t do it. she can’t bring herself to take a life the way he did. yohn ra may be pathetic and sad and empty, but she is not. she has her family, her friends, her promise to aang to help him defeat ozai and end the war. a war that took her mother and brought her to that moment. she has things and people to live for and love, she has happiness and joy, she has fulfillment. she is not yohn ra. she will not act like she is.

i haven’t read any interviews/discussions from the writers on the episode that talk about why katara spared yohn ra instead of killing him. perhaps it was to help foreshadow aang’s show of mercy to ozai. maybe it was to keep katara’s status as a heroine and not have her ‘go over to the dark side’ so to speak. i don’t know, and to be perfectly honest, i don’t really care (death of the author babey!!!!!!). for me, this episode was about katara growing as a person, learning that exacting violence on someone for the violence they exacted on u (whether directly or indirectly) is never good and will not lead to a sustainable society. to kill yohn ra, despite the things he’s done, would solve nothing. her mother is still dead. she is never getting her girlhood back. and she would never be able to undo killing yohn ra. by sparing yohn ra, she showed the kind of grace and mercy that many real world adults are unable to show, and that’s extremely powerful. i can only imagine the kind of strength that goes into that kind of restraint.

she hasn’t forgiven him. perhaps, despite aang’s hopes, she never will. but she can learn to let the anger and grief go, and fill herself with other things, like forgiveness for zuko, and love for aang.

she will not be nothing. or pathetic. or sad. or empty.

she will not be him.

[sleepynegress]

Now that I’ve let it marinate, here are my THOROUGH thoughts on Black Panther...

Cut because extensive spoilers...

First, it was a great film.  Great in terms of being a big budget “blockbuster” fun movie and great in weight. Budget and weight are areas previous black superhero entries have lacked and why this one resonates so much now.

Now, I’m gonna break down the contents that stood out to me... 

We open with a beautifully done and narratively resonant breakdown of the history of Wakanda.  Basically, the civilizational advantage of inherited wealth (<- coming back to this), via space metal, times multi-trillions.  They watch the world fight, violate, and destroy --ESPECIALLY to people on the same continent on which they exist-- and choose, smartly, to remain hidden.... Or who knows??  Maybe they would have defeated the guns of old and stopped the colonizers before they did real damage... Which is a what if?... 

...That Killmonger symbolizes.  He is the dream deferred, the one that exploded. He is the gaping wound of the enslaved that Wakanda did not even try to save. He is post-African black pain/rage at that scattered people that reaches for a home that was snatched from them generations ago...  The ones taken from home without choice, with potential squandered by lesser people. Which is why he is the most sympathetic villain I’ve ever seen. Grounding him in Oakland, even to the point where even his vision took him back to that project (with the ancestral sky of Wakanda outside his window, honestly I cried).  #killmongerwasntwrong

As for the Wakandan feminine... This movie was honestly, the most thoughtful mainstream rendering of black womanhood in the hands of a black man, I have seen on screen... I argue Daughters of the Dust is still the tops for me, but this mainstream big budget comicbook film(!)  reminded me of it with certain elements...

Nakia is the “we knew and we told you but men stay not listening”, black woman from the future, ahead of even T’Challa until the movie’s plot resolves and catches up to her vision.  Killmonger wasn’t wrong, but Nakia was right. The hashtag should be #NakiaWasRight. As usual, black women know and tell with a precision first, but rarely get the credit. Killmonger wasn’t wrong but toxic masculinity, courtesy of Western values and abandonment, corrupted his vision for himself and black and other oppressed peoples.

Okoye is the strength of black womanhood, -not the gross stereotypical SBW garbage that too many white people think is a compliment, but is really their trite way of saying “Pain must not affect them the same way!”  No, she is disciplined, capable, beautiful, and beloved.  As an aside, I just know Alek Wek screamed when she threw her wig in that one scene. That act reminded me so much of Wek doing similar at that runway show (which was iconic!) and pretty much made the same statement (that wig was totally raggedy and ugly on purpose).

Shuri is black potential unhindered and allowed to thrive. All because the expectations and opportunity in Wakanda are limitless... She is as important a cultural touchstone in terms of influencing young black girls to take up STEM fields as the film Hidden Figures is. She is black girl joy and magic rolled into one.  Mischievous, loving, sweet, kind, curious.  Letitia’s performance was brilliant because she played the girlhood we are so often denied so well, it was undeniable even by the usual suspects who would... That said, I can see people treating her too preciously in a direction could also go the way of dehumanization.  She’s not a mascot, child, baby, or spirit animal. She’s an intelligent teenager, a genius.  She’s not your token prop for proving how much you can adore “one special” black female character. I can already see the overly-precious and precocious cameos in white slash fic where she drops off a “tech thing”, is hugged, has her hair ruffled amiably, sasses cutely, and then disappears... WHITE PEOPLE, DON’T DO THIS.

Queen Ramonda, the female elders tending to blossoms, the elderly woman at council all represented a kind of feminine energy that is something we black folks (of course) had first, but is universal... The women who know the rituals, the medicines, the crafts, traditions, passed down among them.  Just about every culture on Earth has this... A gathering of cooperative women who heal and guard traditions

T’Challa The Black Panther represents healthy/regal uncorrupted masculinity.  Again, courtesy of the privileges of being Wakandian royalty, just like his sister.  Steady, protective of his family, responsible,  confident, and vulnerable. Heavy in burden, but projecting lightness and ease of wisdom to all alongside his tread, Shuri’s invention of sneakers was perfectly perfect for him.  

M’Baku could have gone wrong easily, with his size and comic origins (“Man-Ape”) but no, he was strong in both mind and body, and most importantly human, (this is where white filmmakers would have ruined him and made him a lovable lout).  A vegetarian who challenged, lost, teased, and made wise choices for his people.. A people that represented that proud underclass, even on the boundaries of supposedly enlightened Wakanda.

The TECH...  OMG...The tech, the beads, the transportation, the organic design and flow and interconnectedness of it.  The flying ships shaped like lifeforms already designed for flight.  The energy bolts, shock absorbers and redistributors...  If I remember my physics, energy expelled does not disappear. It HAS to be expended in some way. Shuri’s inventions all had that in common, effectively harvesting and using energy. 

Now, I’m getting back to that inherited wealth, that I feel is one of the biggest messages taken away from this film:  There is no such thing as benevolent privilege.  ...Even if that .00000001% status literally dropped out of the sky, (which we know, did not happen that way for the actual privileged among us).  Wakandians never exploited people, never actively subjugated, nor committed genocide and yet, their hands were still red... They were the passive bystanders, who knew what wrong was, but did nothing. This was T’Chaka leaving his nephew in that project, Erik glimpsing that ship fly away...

And yet, that kind if purposeful greedy, manic, snatched-away at the cost of stomping on “the other” kind of privilege WAS ALSO represented in this film via Claue.  ...His racist taunts, his jealousy, his repugnant personality.  He was the embodiment of the evil of whiteness. Brilliant performance by Serkis on that.

Freeman was an exposition machine for entry into the (white) Marvel world.  He had to guided and instructed to obvious places (a nod to what black actors typical endure in white narratives). I found it fascinating reading one fan lament that the importance of Captain America’s shield was taken away because it wasn’t just his, wasn’t rare, but Wakandians had a bounty all this time.  It was no longer this white hero’s “special thing”.   They were sad about that, but not that it had been stolen and sold on the black market to become his shield in the first place.  ...Freeman’s character represented white fans awaking to their own casual racism and disregard of the black other. In this case, it helped these advanced people hide.  Sometimes, you don’t disabuse people of their low expectations.

As for random bits? Loved the thoughtful costuming and set design. NEVER has a black film set in “fantasy/scifi” had the money and work and black perspective this film has.  LORDT Jordan got a juicy ASS! (I’m sorry, but I’m human yall), M’Baku is tall-thicc-hotness personified, Bassett is an immortal goddess, Lupita is a dainty doll made of empathy, The Dora Miljae is the power of black cooperative womanhood... Also shout-out to the elderly member of council with the Namibian influenced hairstyle.

The ancestral plane, yall... Note that it was twilight when T’Challa first visited, but brightly lit during his second visit.

“Bury me in the ocean with my ancestors who jumped from ships.”  T’Challa taking Erik up to see the Wakandian sunset...

 “...Hey auntie.”  also, Jordan brilliantly played Erik as full of posturing as a mask for deep-seeded pain... Just jeez.  

BATTLE RHINOS!!! where Nakia ended up after that car was destroyed, Okoye paddle-sailing on the damn road with a spear, Just THE WOMEN being the MVP’s in every way in this damn movie. Listen, I loved Wonder Woman? but it did not do cooperative womanhood nearly as well...NOT EVEN CLOSE... I’m probably gonna add more to this post... I’m still dazzled and gobsmacked a day later.

THAT SAID, my only quibbles are that you CAN TELL that this movie’s original cut was 6 hours long (editing felt a bit off at places) and the way fight scenes were filmed, weren’t filmed-and-cut as well as Winter Soldier.  

But that’s it.  These are my scattered thoughts.

ONE MORE THOUGHT!!! Could be that Killmonger did the Wakandians favor burning all those flowers, IF Thanos is going to Wakanda for the reason I think he is, in Infinity Wars... That might make it harder for him to locate.

Gotta link this, because totally neglected  W’Kabi. I should add that I’ve only seen it once. But I hope to see it again.

[vorcotec]

so i read a lovely and interesting post on my personal dashboard just now about feminist revisionism of the hades/persephone narrative, and how the author dislikes the way it’s talked about because, from their perspective, it forces too much of the literal onto a figurative story. because the original myth is one dealing with archetypes in order to tell a specific story about the ideas of a culture, trying to rework it to be morally acceptable according to modern, highly specific ideas of acceptability essentially derails its essential theme. the author argues for the hades-as-problematic-antagonist role being important because of what the original myth was meant to illustrate about the culture of its time.

this got me really thinking about what i want for the hades/persephone (that is, the aides/persephone) story i’d eventually like to tell. i’ve been blessed with a lot of interest in my version of hades, but a consistently active persephone hasn’t been a part of that yet. that’s not a dig at those persephones i have written with, because i love them--it’s just to say that i haven’t had a chance to like, sit down and hammer out a whole story with another person, with a complete arc of character development. while i’ve had some thoughts about it, until pretty much Right Now i wasn’t giving a lot of focused thought to how i see that arc going.

the original hades/persephone myth had Shit To Say about gender and relationships. from my perspective, it is a story about male control of women’s lives, and the ways in which male desire and power interrupt girlhood and force young girls to become women, perhaps before their time. (it’s also about the seasons, and about growth/fertility, and all that stuff--but this dynamic of power is the thing that jumps out to me the most, especially when i have to begin thinking about hades and persephone, zeus and demeter, on the character level.) it provides a mythological pattern on which real-world marriages are meant to be (if very loosely) based--the father agrees to give away his daughter, whether her mother (or the daughter herself) likes it or not, and then she is the husband’s to take, with the expectation that she will live in his house as his family, now, no longer a member of her own.

what changes about that story, when it stars aides instead of hades? what does it mean for persephone to be taken from or to leave her family then? what role does zeus play? or demeter? and does aides necessarily take the antagonist role, when the fact that she is a woman dramatically alters the gender dynamic at play?

i began to talk about this in the tags here, but in short: the aides/persephone story is one in which persephone--a divine daughter of childbearing age, a highly valuable and desirable resource--is removed from male control, partners herself exclusively with another woman, and comes to live in and preside over a domain which is absolutely female-ruled. rather than being a story of the inescapability of patriarchal power and desire, it becomes, in essence, a lesbian fairy tale: a story about choosing oneself, and choosing extra-patriarchal freedom, and the wide-ranging consequences that that can have for one’s life, family, and happiness. (especially since, at first glance, demeter’s reaction to the loss of persephone seems like a mother’s pain, rage, and rejection in response to her daughter’s coming-out.)

in light of the discussion that sparked this post, what role, then, does antagonism have to play in the aides/persephone relationship? in perhaps the most well-known lesbian retelling of the story, the dark wife, hades is not an antagonist at all--an outcast from olympus, yes, but a solely positive figure in persephone’s emotional life. in that version, hades also represents freedom from male control, and in many ways the story reflects the powerful sense of rightness which can come with a flowering of one’s lesbian identity and a discovery of the possibility of life beyond patriarchal norms. but if the story were about aides, would it feel the same way?

i believe that fear and antagonism have their roles to play in the aides/persephone story, and that to totally put them aside would be a bit dishonest of me. i can see multiple reasons for fear in particular to enter in, but the biggest one is this: persephone is the daughter of an agricultural goddess and her worldview would almost inevitably center around the value of flourishing life. aides represents the exact opposite of that: she is the ruler of an underground domain where there is no sunlight or plant growth, the goddess and keeper of the dead who ensures that once life is over, it is over. she embodies the antithesis of the most basic values of life.

following from that, aides also represents the antithesis of the most basic patriarchal values. again: she is a woman ruling her own domain, separate from that of her brothers. she is unmarried and has never and would never partner with a man for any reason. in both of these ways she represents a life outside the value systems which persephone would have been taught to hold dear. i don’t want to say that aides represents a perfect/total rejection of those value systems, because as an individual, she’s still internalized them and so forth... but in many ways? hell yes she has rejected them.

what wouldn’t be scary about that? why shouldn’t persephone be afraid of what’s offered to her? while i highly value the narrative of feeling-rightness told in the dark wife i think that fear and anxiety also play a big role in the experiences of women who love women. and i think that they would play a big role in this version of the story because the relationship persephone and aides share is not the kind of female-female partnership which can be ignored/dismissed/made palatable by patriarchy. in many ways, there’s no justifying their relationship to a patriarchal value system. it is a flagrant rejection of such.

and what about antagonism? i don’t believe that aides would ever play the part of the active antagonist to persephone--she highly values consent and mutual respect, such that she would never take part in an abduction. but i do believe that aides, her desire, her way of life, could present a form of passive or psychological antagonism to persephone. aides is a kind of inversion of The Way Things Are Supposed To Be: she presides over death in a world where life is the greatest pride; she rules alone as a woman over her own domain in the same way men, her brothers, rule over their own domains aboveground. simply by existing she is an antagonist--you only have to look at descriptions of “pitiless of heart,” “cruel,” “tyrannical” hades to know that.

in this way, i think a different perspective can be brought to bear on the hades/persephone retelling. it can be used to dramatize/allegorize a different aspect of the experiences of women who love women--not just the feeling of rightness we often experience when we come into our own, but also our feelings of isolation, loneliness, fear, and pain when we consider what we have lost and what we have chosen to reject.

disclaimer: i’m always super super nervous to talk about how other characters feel/react to things, so please don’t take this as me saying This Is How It Goes And No Other Way! because. roleplay is collaborative and i don’t want to be a dictator ghsdhgkslghsldknbdfm so like, i’m not trying to lay down gospel for how i see things going, how persephone feels, how demeter feels, etc. but just to work through some of my thoughts about how i see the aides/persephone story working, and what i hope it could mean if written all the way through.

[it-was-so-human]

I long to be near you

Loving him was easy. Loving his father, however, was unbearable.

Inspired by bad fake leaks and my lack of self-control.

After he joined the Night’s Watch, Sansa never imagined she would see Jon Snow hold a babe of his own.

(But she has witnessed many things since then that she never expected to see.) 

A little boy born in the North, his Dragon Queen mother dying while giving birth to him.

“Robb Snow.” Jon’s voice hitched as he croaked out his son’s last name.

War and distance and time kept him from marriage and it is not something he will ever seemingly forgive himself.

She had calmly suggested the new Baratheon King could legitimize his nephew—give him the Targaryen name—but was met with a firm refusal. There was still much unrest, and Jon had no desire for politicking and future precarious claims to any throne.

His son was safer a Snow.

He finally, reluctantly, painfully, handed the fur-bundled babe to her.

Stroking his sons wrinkled brow for a last time, he murmured that there was work to do, but he would be back soon.

There was still work to do in the world of the living, but Sansa didn't say that aloud. Let Jon escape his horrors by venturing again behind what remained of the wall.

And in doing so, leave the bundled would-be but never-to-be princeling in her arms.   Sansa Stark, the Lady of Winterfell and Warden of the North, stood carrying his child in her arms as he rode away—stopping only to turn and offer a small farewell wave.

Once before he left her with his direwolf and temperamental lords, then again with diminished grain supplies and injured soldier, and now with heartache and another's child. Jon Snow has always left her.

That he would let Catelyn Starks' daughter care for a child not her own...

...to raise a bastard child... one resulting in a betrayal of sorts... 

...the irony of it certainly did not escape Sansa.

It should mean something that he trusts her with something so precious, so she swallows past the hurt.

She shifts the babe in her arms, surprised how right the warm weight felt against her.

Jon can leave, they all leave after all.

But she's the Stark in Winterfell now.

- - -

It was not fair.

What a terrible way for a story to go. Surviving so much cruelty in the world, amassing great armies and fighting great wars, only to die giving birth to her child.  

It was not right, it was not fair. It was like a bad tale written by men who did not want women to fly too far.

The woman should have been able to see her son. Smell his baby smell and hold him close to her breast.  

She did not even get a chance to give him a Targaryen name, instead her son bore the name of the man that usurped her family. (But also the name of a brother that was loved and did love dearly.)

At least little Robb was conceived of two parents in love. Jon loved the Queen, this Sansa knew. He adored her at times and hated her at others, growing frustrated as the war went on yet he always had a passionate longing for her. As a child, Jon dreamed of honor and duty and Sansa was the one who grew up dreaming of love. 

Yet the gods didn't listen. (Sansa Stark ended up being the one very good at duty.) 

She could envy Jon that love he was able to have.

She's never felt warmth with another, let alone any heat of passion.

Instead, if she is lucky, she may live as the spinster Lady of Winterfell raising his love child.

Sansa doesn't have the respectable battle scars of war, the marks that decry bravery and strength. 

She has the scars of a young girl all alone in the world. No valiant stories here, just quiet survival.

She tries with what she has, managing the diplomacy of ruling the north. But she was no fighter, no conqueror.

Maybe if she was fiercer he would respect her. Think if her as the true Warden of the North and not just some nursemaid, not worth more than to leave his bastard with her and just--

No. No. No.

Jon would never willingly leave his son. This much she knew.

She shook her head, from bitter unnecessary thoughts—looking down to observe the child in her arms.

What a pretty babe he was, with a perfect little baby nose, pink bowed lips, and a mop of dark ringlets.

And dark violet eyes—almost black but in the firelight their true hue was undeniable

Baby Robb blinked up at her with those strangely familiar eyes, releasing a heart melting soft baby coo.

(She would never again call her perfect little nephew a bastard.)

- - -

She might never have children of her own. There was no man she wanted to make her Lord Husband, no need of a courtly knight to protect her.

No desire, not yet. If she could rule without one, she would. She was the lone Stark in Winterfell. Her brothers gone, her sister married and gone South. Her... Jon mourning in the North.

He didn't keep his promise to watch over her for long after all. 

Jon can't watch over anyone now. But Sansa can. And she does. She watches over Winterfell and the concerns of the northern lords and the rebuilding of the villages. And she watches over a beautiful babe who gives her a gummy smiles. Sansa may never marry, never see realized dreams she had as a child.   But what's to say there could not be love. - - -

Robb was sick. Coughs rattling his tiny body and sending pangs of fear through her. All night long she sat by his bed, pushing back his curls and panicking every time at the feel of burning skin.

Children got sick, she knew this—the maester reminded her of this—but he was so small and so very warm.

In the morning, his fever broke and she released a choked laugh as he gave her his sweet smile.

For the next week, she carried the child around with her, only relenting him to his nurse in order to feed.

The tot calmly played in her lap while Sansa went over letters and ledgers and listened to her advisors.  

If anyone found it unbecoming of the Lady of Winterfell carrying the babe around the castle, no one said anything. They only smiled fondly at two of them. - - -

“Ma - ma” Robb called to her at night. He must have picked up the sounds from his nursemaid’s children.

She sits by his bed, fighting an urge to weep.  

“I'm not your mother, my sweet boy. Your mother was...” She swallows back ill feelings; it hardly matters now.

So she whispers to him a fairytale of a beautiful young girl, with long flowing golden hair and a strong will, who had three powerful dragons.

Your mama might not be with you, but I'll love you enough for her.   - - -

Jon came back for a visit early. Could not stay away from his boy. His eyes—it was always his overly expressive eyes—held his pain when he said goodbye again. He grasped her hands tightly, pressing a kiss to them. "Thank you, Sansa" - - -

Months later, Sansa knew what would happen next. What would have to happen next.

Jon returned again, his son sleepily rested on his lap but his chubby hands still reached for Sansa.

Jon had come to tell her he’s taking Robb away. Going South for good now. Taking his son with him.

The anger and bile and sorrow rose in Sansa like storm waves. He's my son. Mine.

She might never have another but even if she had ten more—Robb was hers. He had left the boy in her arms to care for and love and he would just take him away?

Sansa will live to regret this, but at least she'll live.

(She can't be expected to do so without her son.)

((How many things will be taken from her? How long her sentence for girlhood frivolousness?))

Jon Snow did not love Sansa like he once loved his Targaryen queen.

But he could marry her.

- - -

Part 1 of 2 

Also on AO3

[writeoutofmysoul]

Queen’s Tears

A strangled cry ripped through the silence of the ancient structure, the pained howl of a creature who has lost everything in the darkness. A hunched and broken figure of a woman was slumped in the summer downpour, two gigantic metal wing were limply folded on her back. She sobbed and slipped in the rain as she tried to reach the spear that only just out of her reach. The metal winged woman screamed and clutched at the ground as she remembered the thousands that had died around her. She was too weak and she could not protect them from their enemy. It was her last hope to scatter them through time to save what lives of her warriors she could. With another agonizing cry, she felt the strong aftereffects of the power she had unleashed. As she felt her heart begin to falter, her thoughts only traced about her daughter. She wondered where she had been sent, and what kind of life awaited her as a princess of a scattered kingdom. Her mind dwelled at the sight of her beloved hurrying their daughter away from the chaos of battle and toward a safer place so she could be sent away and protected. The woman twitched violently and fell into the mud once more. The Queen herself had not had enough strength to travel far, so it would only be a matter of time until they found her again. With bleeding hands and broken fingers, the woman managed to reach out and grasp the spear. Immediately it illuminated a pure bright white, shining out throughout the chamber. A low shrieking call of the dark monster her people had come to call the Munnon echoed outside. It slowly formed into a melodious cry of hundreds, which was more than the Queen could fight off in her weakened state. 

With a great effort, the Queen plunged her spear into the floor and beat her mechanical wings as she clutched the stable spear for support. She wobbled and tottered but eventually, she gained balance of some kind and looked around her place of arrival, grimacing as she recognized the blast strikes in the polished marble that had once been her council's meeting chamber. A large hole rose out to the sky, letting in the last of the moonlight and all the starlight it could manage. The Queen managed to smile up at its view through her agony, recognizing patterns in the darkness that she had learned to trace from girlhood. A radio call buzzed through the sir as the howls of the Munnon grew louder and closer. "Aleasea, it is I. It's Krûg. I don't know where you've gone, or if you can hear me, then listen." "I hear you, brother." She choked out with joy.The Queen's heart fluttered at the sound of her brother's voice echoing around her. She would have checked on the tact of the radio had it not been strapped to her waist. So she listened, all of her being hanging in the spoken words that told her she was not would not be alone at her end. As the Munnon's cried grew even closer, the Queen could see their shadows and translucent nocturnal eyes glinting in her light. "Before you die, I have something to tell you." He said. "I was the one who led the Munnon on Caelux." The Queen's breath caught in her throat as she realized she processed his words. They left her senseless as the Munnon continued to surround her and close in around her. "Impossible." She whispered. "I wished I knew if you could hear me," Krûg gave a tremendous sigh into the radio."But now, I am going to have the long and tedious task of tracking down your daughter. No need to worry about your dear Glade, I killed him myself." The words cut her sharp as the name of her only beloved rang in the humid air. "Glade," She choked out with a horrified glazed look coming over her. The incandescent light of her spear flickered twice as she leaned more heavily on it, watching the Munnon draw closer. "I knew about him, how could we not? She is clearly twice the daughter your late King's would have been." The voice of her brother dissipated what little hope that still dwelled in the Queen. "So my gift to you before you die is knowing that I will hunt down all of your warriors and kill them one by one. Then I will find your precious Caelia and kill her as well." A fire lit in the Queen's eyes once again and he drew on her absolutely last reserve of strength, the thought of young Caelia giving her a renewed sense of hope. She stood on her own feet and wrenched the spear from the ground, its light growing twofold as her she faced her doom. "You are wrong, Krûg. Caelia will kill you. She is the true Queen now, and nothing you ever do shall change that. She will grow in strength and when you find her, it will be too late." She said as her spear rose gracefully in her hands, looking the hundreds of hovering Munnon with a radiance that had not been seen in the ancient ruins for many years. "I am king now!" His voice crackled over the radio and a Munnon gave a low howl as the death sentence for the Caelux Queen. A few of the Munnon launched out at her, fangs bared and teeth gleaming in her spear's light. She moved skillfully though her body was badly damaged, slicing the few eager attackers in two before they could think twice about their decision. "I'm sorry, brother." She whispered as the creatures howled once more and began to descend upon her. Struggle as she may, the power that she still had faded my the advantage of sheer number again her. The ancient ruin's glowed until from inside the ungodly the mass of Munnon creatures, the pure light dimmed, flickered and went dark.

[zhangenru0305-blog]

Tumblr Final Project Post: Heteronormativity and Girlhood

This is the movie "the wedding banquet" poster

This is my first instrument and I played it since I was 9. It is a traditional instrument name “Zheng”, and I mentioned it in my first journal. When my parents asked me which instruments I want to learn, I chose the drum, but my parents think the drum should be played by boys, and they think “Zheng” is much suitable for girls to play. In my experience of learning “Zheng, it is a fact that girls are far more than boys. The ratio of male to female in studying “Zheng” is related to some stereotypes of musical instruments. The instruments chosen by parents for children are related to the stereotype of musical instruments. I think it is similar to the idea of boys need to play with car toys and girls need to play with dolls. 

This is my bedroom in China, and there are so many plush toys and dolls in my bed. I grew up in a traditional Chinese family and my parents always gave me the education about something that girls need to do or should not do. But most of the time, they would like to respect my own ideology. When I was a child, my mother forced me to cut short hair, because she thinked it was really troubled to help me braid.  I would cry when I forced to cut my hair every time. My mother would buy a doll for me to make me happy. Our understanding of gender differences and the development of gender roles are influenced by many factors. The most appropriate way is to give up the masculinity and feminization and adopt a clear-cut attitude towards cultivating boys and girls of different kinds. Children should act as independent representatives rather than gender-specific representatives. 

This is my bedroom in China and our family moved into this house when I was in high school. My sheets, curtains, and wallpaper are all really feminized, they are pink, and there are a lot of flowers on it. But they are all chosen by myself. In my childhood, I really like the dolls, pink color, long hair, pretty skirts and all the things which are cute and feminized. But in the middle school, I turned me into a different attitude to these feminized things. In the middle school, almost I was 13 to 15, I just wore pants and hated to wear skirts, and my clothes were black and white, and I also cut my long hair and really hate those feminized things. But when I was in high school, I like those kinds of things again. The most appropriate way is to give up a male and female attitude and make efforts to train boys and girls of different kinds. For example, boys should not only be courageous, firm, independent, confident, but also friendly and compassionate; girls not only have to be sensitive, gentle and considerate but also have the quality of perseverance, independence, and determination.

The first picture is my skincare products and makeups, and the second picture is my selfie from one year ago. I really like buy those and I really enjoy to have a makeup every day. But for one year ago, I used to prefer to do the makeup by using the popular make-up methods, but right now I prefer to make up according to my own personal characteristics. Many people think that makeup is used to try to please boys, so there are many similar aesthetics, including cosmetic surgery. But I think make-up is to make myself more beautiful and more confident and this is the personal choice. And I think the opinion of make-up is for the respect for others, it is simply to degrade our own female status. If it is a formal occasion, such as performance, interview, dating, matchmaking, or the firm requirements of the company, it needs makeup to show some respect, and increasing confidence, but at other times, if you don't want to make up, of course, you don't have to do.

This is the photo I changed my hair color to a really light and exaggerate color. After I finished dyeing, my boyfriend and other boys thought it was not looks good and they thought girls should have the outfit looks sweet and mild, they thought my hair was too publicized. The stereotypes of girls are we should be gentle and soft, and should not have a tough personality, but man can be assertive, powerful, and even aggressive. Decent and attractive dressing is easier to attract the attention of the opposite sex. This is an indisputable animal nature, but I think that is is to please and reward ourself rather than to please others. The second photo is my outfit to a electronic music festival in Los Angles, and when I post this picture in my social media, some friends said I wear too less, and there always are many judgements on your outfits and behaviors, and I am happy that I feel free to please myself but not to please others.

This photo is my friend and me, he used to pretend his sexual orientation and right now he is very frank about telling others that he is gay. We were classmates in high school, and I remember a normal day we had the English class, the teacher brought up a famous person and mentioned that he was a gay. There are the burst of laughter (not ridicule, it is the feeling of excitement about sensitive topics like sex). The teacher then said, "there is nothing wrong with this. It's normal. Love is not about gender. If you have such a student, don't discriminate against them." My friend said that English class let he felt hopeful in that confusing age. For the Heteronormativity, I think people are really afraid of new things, because new things need to break through old thinking and many people can't keep up with them. It will encircle and suppress everything from morality, tradition, religion and so on. The purpose is to prove that they are the most correct, and rationalize reasons for their inability to keep up with the times and backward thinking. The hardest part of human is to break through the ego, and when the frame is in the brain, it is limited. Homosexuality is only the right to free love, the freedom of love is a lot of people with a frame, is only the freedom of love between men and women, and the freedom of love between the same sex broke the frame, so someone to stop.

This is the movie "the wedding banquet" poster，and the content of this film is about the son worked and lived in the United States, and his parents are traditional old people, the son is a gay, but his parents are looking forward to holding grandchildren and didn’t know he is a gay. Homosexuality, no matter in the sense of inheritance or the emotional mode itself, can not be seen in Chinese traditional culture. And China's powerful family ethics, deep unconscious cultural and psychological factors, as well as the strong parents of parents, have become the fetters of the son, he can not get rid of the responsibility, and can not cut off the relationships with his family. I think it is rather painful to be a homosexual in an not really open country like China. You can't deceive yourself and tell yourself that I'm a normal person. You can't confess to your parents and bear their disgust. Wei Tong (the son in this film) is just one of the group. He decided to use fake marriage to perfunctory traditional parents.

This is the photo I took in Castro District, San Francisco. It also called Rainbow Street and it's a street of gay culture. Every year there will be a gay parade in June. I think the cultural street like this can promote people's understanding and tolerance of homosexuality. Homosexuality is a normal social behavior, which has gained a positive influence on the nominal level since the United Nations removed it from the catalogue of mental diseases. In fact, homosexuality is no different from heterosexuality. This is a release of human instinctive love. There is no such thing as homosexual in the world. There is only one thing in the world, that is called love. When human beings are constrained by the right to love, what freedoms can there be?

[syllabustering]

running out of time, margaret peterson haddix

I didn’t like Running Out of Time.

That’s fine, I’m not its target audience. I’m too old for a story about a young girl trusting adults and authority blindly not to feel frustrating, even if she gets there in the end. Also, there is one scene with a press conference in it, and I’m pretty sure that’s not how a single press conference in the history of the world has ever worked.

But again, fine. I’m not its target audience.

I am interested in what it could’ve been, though. I don’t want it to sound like I’m not interested in things made for teen girls, or the interests of teen girls, or teen girls in general, because I am, very much. I am primarily interested in teen girls. I just don’t think that teen girls are very much like Jessie, the protagonist of Running Out of Time, even if she is supposed to be intentionally naive.

I’ve never met a girl who is not a guerrilla warrior. I don’t know if that’s inherent, or if it’s because our options are to become a fighter or be smothered to death. Either way, I’ve only met girls made of iron.

Even if they don’t know it.

I didn’t, when I was a teen girl. I thought I was this malleable thing, shifting to make myself something inoffensive, even as everything in me rejected that. So maybe it is inherent - my bones didn’t want to be made soft, so they screamed. Growing pains, so they say.

I’m still young, but I’m old enough that the word “woman” doesn’t sound foreign anymore. There’s something kind of wonderful about that word. It suggests knowledge, the kind I never thought I would have. I always thought I’d be a stranger to myself. Now I ask her the right questions: What do you want? What do you need? What do you like?

They tell you to learn, but not to be vain, but the best kind of knowledge comes at the intersection of those two things. I’m learning not to be startled when I look in the mirror. The face looking back at me is becoming mine, again.

The part of Running Out of Time I liked the most was when Jessie walked across her entire city with diphtheria, fever scorching her brow. That was the part that made most sense to me. That was the part that sounded most like my girlhood. And then she held that press conference (again, ridiculous) and begged everyone to listen to her. That sounds like who I used to be, even recently. Who I’m trying not to be, anymore. (The ridiculous part, I’ll always be, I’m pretty sure. But I’m trying not to beg anyone to care about it. To care about me.)

I don’t know if any teen girls will ever read this. Again, this whole project is inherently selfish, and I’m not particularly bothered if anyone reads this at all. But if you’re reading this, and you’re a girl, I want you to know that one day you’ll ache less, but that won’t mean you’ll feel less. You’ll feel so many more things, once the pain starts to fade.

I didn’t like this book, and that’s fine. I love teen girls and their power. But I mostly want you to know that I like me. And that I’m learning a lot.