#I’m just a girl let me study fun things without crippling debt and having to get a job | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

countjason · 5 years ago

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Jason’s 9th Annual Post/Pre-Year Review/Goal

It’s that time of year again, the only reason I have a tumblr account is this annual reflection and goal setting exercise I do each year. This represents the 9th year I’ve done this in some form or fashion so let’s kick off the goals from last year and where I stand:

Get a new job – This one is important since 90% of my waking existence is at a job. If I’m not happy there, it’s too my core and I’m not happy in general. I wish I was better in this area since Caitlin works in the funeral business and has a better appreciation toward the little things but it’s still a thing since it is 90% of my waking life and I’ve worked since I was 16 yrs old. I would obviously like to get paid what I feel I’m deserved too – not just get a job to get away from another job.

(Accomplished) – As I recall, this was 90% expected to be achieved at the time I wrote last year’s goals since I was actively looking but this happened REALLY early in 2019. I remember trying to get a raise as a program manager at Aero Simulation Inc after being a project scheduler (most…boring…job…ever!) and being told I need at least 10 years’ experience in the simulation industry before even being considered. They handed me an annual raise, sent me off on the 2-week shutdown vacation and the wife and I went to Ashville.

Upon my return, I got notified that I was hired to start at Smartronix – this hands down was the best timing and possibly the best move I have ever made. I’m so happy working at Smartronix and working as a real program manager after what felt like an eternity working at places and either doing lesser jobs, jobs I didn’t have any interest in doing all for the sake of paying for my family, being bored to tears, or underappreciated and under paid.

Vacations – I have a cruise planned in May which is almost paid for and I would like to eventually go to Las Vegas. I wouldn’t want to go to Vegas without a little money in my pocket, but we’ll see. I also have the Bristol night race in August which represents the final bucket list race I could want to do with my Dad. Does that mean I’m done after Bristol? Probably not but I could certainly wish my Dad off should he die knowing I got him there, Talladega, Daytona, Homestead, and Atlanta.

(Accomplished) – I did go on the cruise and that was fun. It would have been better with the drink package which is just a lesson’s learned for cruising next time but it was a fun experience considering I missed cruises in the past. I did not go to Vegas and that’s still a hard sell with my wife considering she doesn’t want to go as much as I do. Maybe I can convince her one day considering all the other vacations we’ve had that were compromises.

Bristol was everything I expected and more.

Adam told me that Dad wasn’t doing so well and this race, in all likelihood, represents the last race I go with Dad. So for this, I booked suites which was the best! I think Dad and Adam were happy.

School – I got a long way to go for a DBA but I’d like to get the main classes started in 2019. I gotta wait until money isn’t so tight or there are options like tuition assistance but I’d like to get started in that.

(Failed) – This goal trailed off early after it became apparent I had to still pay for Caitlin’s school. Now, to be clear, that’s not the only reason, I was sorta going down the DBA route at first because it was something to do since I was getting bored but may get at it again in the future just not now. I don’t really have a pressing reason for a DBA career wise and there are other fish I could fry which I’ll discuss shortly but let’s put it this way, what I am about to do to cure my boredom is not something my wife is thrilled about….

Find more friends – A lot of my friends 8 years ago I don’t really relate to now. I’m simply not the same person. Those people, in most cases, are the EXACT same people and we don’t relate. Going back to 90% of my day with work, I need to find work friends but certainly not at my current job where everyone I work with me is 20 years older than me or are unsociable. I mean it can’t get any worse than now where I have a co-worker literally 5 feet behind me and insist to communicate primarily through email. Even if it’s not “work” friends, I need friends that have the same goals, likes, and what not. That’s why I like people like Eric or James– they have ambition in areas I like today. I still need to find a NASCAR buddy too but that’s surprisingly hard.

(Failed) – I wouldn’t say I gained more friends. I have the same friends as I previously did and while I get along with people I work with, I wouldn’t go so far as considering them “friends”

Health – Anyone that says getting older doesn’t suck can blow me. I know less than 5 years ago, I could run in the morning and had gym buddies which motivated me. Granted I was walking around like I was crippled half the time afterward, but it was fun. I really don’t have that same motivation these days. I still go to the gym periodically but not as I used too. I joke about my fat head so maybe in 2019, I’ll find that extra gas in the tank and while I’ve accepted not being 180 lbs again, maybe just looking better which will make me feel better as well.

(Not accomplished but not failed) – I would say it’s improving. Since the wife got pregnant and she had to stop drinking, to support her, I did the same and already lost 20 lbs. I’m pretty sure the rate I’m going I’ll lose another 20lbs by May so while my health improved, early this year, I really didn’t try that hard and my weight reached a point where I started to become self-conscience. This goal always ends up on my list and will likely again.

Financially working in the right direction – To get my house, I had to use retirement money. To fix the carpet that got destroyed in Caitlin’s library, I had to use more. I have quite a bit of old debt and new debt that is higher than I like but there’s always been this assumption that I’m just waiting for the right job to pay me what I deserve, AND Caitlin will finally pull her weight since I support her. Once one or both those things happen, we will be able to work off that debt and maybe see the chances of retirement….eventually.

(Accomplished) – The new job helped out SIGNIFANTLY! I finally am getting paid what I’m deserved and as such, I feel much better financially. I still have some debt to pay off and Caitlin is STILL in school but overall, this goal has moved rather well for the things I can do and control.

Potentially Move? – Given the job prospects, I’ve been looking at opportunities to leave Florida. I am so over “hot, humid, high of 100” every-freakin-day. Part of the upcoming North Carolina trip is to expose Caitlin to the cold. If she tolerates it, the option to move up north is more present. I mean hell, our house is an igloo anyway. Even still talking about moving north, moving east in Florida has the same possibilities. I know 2019 may be too soon given the dependency I have with Caitlin but given the right situation, it’s entirely possible.

(Failed but…) – With the new job and it being in Tampa, I did not move. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the “hot, humid, high of 100” every day but the current salary and baby situation (more on that), changes things a lot.

Help Caitlin – I could jokingly say “well this is a huge project” but I don’t mean it like that. She’s been fighting her demons and I’ve been helping. I would also foresee myself assisting in her passing her classes and exams she needs to take but that’s really all on her and if she asks for it. In all, I just hope to continue to be a good(ish) role-model and help when I can.

(Accomplished…I guess) – Depends on who you ask. While I did try to help her study from time to time, it wasn’t consistent and it really was something Caitlin should address more than me. With drinking and the baby, I stopped drinking, as I said, to support and help and I think that’s helping her as well.

Iracing – 2 more to 10…geez, we’re hitting the bottom of the barrel now. This is just a hobby, be it an expensive hobby I built up, but I hope to continue doing well in the game and not get bored with it lol. It’s just too expensive to not.

(Failed) – I play it but I haven’t played it like I think I meant to with this goal in mind. I did get bored with some of it but not for the lack of desire to race, on the contrary, it made me want to race for real.

House Upgrades – I would like to upgrade the floors in the man cave and the bedroom in 2019.

This is a lot of work and shifting of things since I have the master bed which is huge in one room and the racing rig and desk in the other. I have the supplies sitting in the corner collecting dust waiting to be done, but I would need to shift so much around to do it, I’ve told myself it can only be done if we move. We’ll see, not putting a lot of hope in this one but it’s number 10 on the list.

(Accomplished) – I did complete the floor in the man cave and the bedroom.

***

Now for 2020 goals and this one has significantly different legs than the last couple years.

Be a good dad – That’s right all, after 38 years of life, the wife and I decided to become parents.

At the time of writing this, my wife is 10 weeks pregnant and we’re expecting “baby bat” in July 2020. We won’t know gender until later but we’ve already started thinking about names (Dante if it’s a boy or Nadja if it’s a girl). I hope that regardless, we can do this which I think we will. We’re currently planning on converting the library (Caitlin’s space) into the baby room and starting initial baby stuff now.

Begin my race car career – wait what? That’s right, after playing iracing for awhile and getting a decent raise at work, I decided to purchase a Legends car and will start my racing career in early 2020. I started “Head2Bed Racing” as the name of the race “team” in honor of Dad and I look for this to be my new hobby/equivalent to a bowling league.

youtube

http://head2bedracing.com/index.html

My goal is to be in the top 10 in points at season conclusion. I don’t have a goal to win just yet, I’m more concerned with racing and keeping the car under me. I would hate to damage the car to the point that would end my racing for a while. I already know I won’t be able to make all the races scheduled and I don’t know how I’m going to drag my wife into this (I hope she does and doesn’t want to leave me – lol). Wish me luck.

Vacation – This is ambiguous. I don’t have hard plans just yet but I know my window of reasonable opportunity is closing fast with a baby on the way. I need to talk to Caitlin about this one more but I’d like to find something we can do either before she gets too big and becomes the boulder from Indian Jones...

or, if we can pawn the baby to one of our parents, do something post pregnancy. Caitlin’s mom probably wouldn’t mind the later.

Health – The goal for 2020 given the wife is pregnant and not drinking is get my weight to 225 lbs. This is for a few reasons – 1) I looked pretty okay at that weight looking at older pictures 2) That will inevitably have impact to racing a Legends Car as my parents so kindly pointed out 3) It’s a reasonable goal that I should be able to accomplish relatively early in 2020.

Professional Development – I state it like that because I don’t exactly know the exact goal to accomplish this. I don’t want to restart the doctorate program just yet, I don’t know if I’m eligible for the PgMP certificate yet and even if I was, I haven’t committed myself to studying to the level I need to and even if I got it, I don’t know the career impact. I’ll leave this open ended for now and see what I have to say next year.

Pay off Debt – With the new job, I “should” be able to clear off a lot of debt. This will help in the goal later in getting Caitlin a new car and a new house before the kid hits 3 years old.

Friends (again) – I would like to find more friends. This, in theory, should occur because of the phases in life after getting out of the Navy. The first phase was my hair-on-fire party all the time phase. That ended shortly after settling down with Caitlin. Then there was the “retirement” period (I don’t know what to call it) where I stopped going out and the friends I did have before sorta just went away so it was just myself and Caitlin. With me getting a new hobby here in actual racing, I’m hoping to meet friends that way and with the kid, we may somehow meet other parents and meet people that way too. Bottom line, I need to be better at these whole “friends” thing.

I normally try to shoot for 10 but I’m coming up short and I don’t want to set goals for the sake of setting goals. I already failed several last year so if I focus on what I have coming, I’ll be better suited to accomplish the goals. So here we go, 2020…another decade. Let’s do this!

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qualiteabullshit-blog · 8 years ago

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5 Pints

“This is all the sun’s fault.”

“Barry, you can’t say that for everything.”

“Why not? If it weren’t for the sun we wouldn’t have any plants or food, we would fail to exist.”

“And by extension, it’s the reason there is a figurative mountain of vomit in the sink and 14 Harp cans beside it, yes?”

“Precisely.”

“By that logic it’s also the reason we have crippling student debt, but you can’t exactly tell the bank that can you?”

“I dunno, I think I could make a great case for it.”

“You are a right twat you know that?”

“A hungover twat” He corrected.

“I’m surprised you’re even alive, or have insides for that matter.”

Simon inspected the ant hill of (he hoped) human digestive juices putrefying in the sink.

“Has the Uni got in contact with you yet?”

“What, about the noise complaint?” Barry peeled himself off the sofa, shielding his eyes from the previous night’s escapades and

“No not that, just thinking they might want to use you in some biological studies. ‘A study on the escape velocity of 4 kebabs and a case of beer’ might be a good title. “ He said, in his best Brian Cox impression.

“3 kebabs. Maybe a burrito, not sure, it was all just a blur of cholesterol and bad decisions.”

“Well whatever it is, clean it up, we’re going out in 30 minutes.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, what time is it?”

“5:30. PM, before you ask.”

“Oh Christ. I’m not going to make it. Leave me to die here in peace.

“You’re going. You already promised Kate you would be there.”

“Shit I did. Right, time to do what I do best. Cleaning up after things I could have easily prevented. “

While Barry wrestled with a bottle of Domestos and a rather sorry looking mop, Simon went upstairs to get ready. Kate said she would be bringing a friend, and he had been single for long enough, even if it was a rough break up. But that was months ago, and apparently, this new girl was cute. Sometimes when a friend who is a girl says their friend is cute, it doesn’t normally end well. However, he had seen a few photos of her, and his judgement was the same. While Barry cleaned up with the efficiency of a pigeon escaping a bottle bank, Simon prepared as best he could for meeting someone new.

6pm rolled on, and Simon and Barry had managed to get to the bar in time. Once in a blue moon there was a bouncer on, and today it seemed to be a lovely shade of navy. He stood the same height as he was wide, similar to a barrel of whiskey with plenty more punch.

“Evening fellas, in for the night?”

“We’ll see, depends how the match goes.”

Barry kept his head low, desperate not to catch the bouncer’s attention.

“Why do you look so shifty all of a sudden?” Simon asked.

“Look, I may or may not have asked him last night if he was an extra in the hobbit, I’m not sure.”

“Jesus Christ Barry, you can’t just ask people that.”

They went to the bar, ordered two pints of whatever was cheapest, and looked around for friendly company. “There’s Kate, in one of the booths. She’s got us decent seats for once. “

They wandered over past eager fans and armchair pundits, to their sanctuary for the night. The two women sat on one side, the two men on the other.

“You’re finally here, I thought you wouldn’t make it.”

“Yeah well this prick didn’t exactly help.” Simon replied.

“I’m sure he didn’t. Where are my manners? Simon, this is Chloe. Chloe this is Simon.”

“It’s a pleasure to finally meet you Simon.” Chloe said, in an accent so Northern English it could be considered fake. It was charming, he thought.

“The pleasure is all mine Chloe. “He smirked.

As the drinks flowed, so did the goals. The crowd ‘ooed’ and ‘ahhed’ and booed and cheered. Barry was enthralled with the match, so to keep himself busy, Simon tried his best to entertain Kate and her charming companion.

Chloe stood 5 foot nothing tall, with long, curly locks of brown hair, seemingly untameable by even the best hairdresser, but she seemed to have a decent grasp on it. Her smoky eye shadow accentuated her piercingly green eyes. A small button nose and thin lips helped complete her cute aesthetic. While he was certainly enjoyed her physical appearance, he relished in her wit and humour.

“What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?” She asked him.

“I’m not sure. What?”

“It only takes one nail to hang a picture.” She could barely get it out of her mouth before she burst into a fit of laughter, her eyes becoming little lines from her squinting, yet were open enough to let that mischievous sparkle in her eye shine.

They shared more laughs and drinks, quickly becoming engrossed in each other’s company. There was something in her that he wasn’t sure about however. At times, she seemed withdrawn, not wanting to participate in conversation, keeping her cards close to her chest. Then other times you could hardly get a word in. She had a vague sense of mysteriousness about her. He liked mysteries.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Is that blood?” Simon asked Barry.

“No?”

“That’s not a question that should be answered with another question, Barry.”

“Look, it could be jam, it could be blood, it could be prune juice.”

“I don’t know what’s worse.”

“Well I’m allergic to prunes so it might not be that.”

“Yeah, solid deduction there, fucking Sherlock Holmes.”

Simon walked around the remains of Barry’s bedroom. In every space that had enough space for him to place a foot, there was also a stain that was maybe the reason for the space.

“Barry, you need to tidy up a bit.”

“Simon, you need to go away. Leave a dying man in peace.”

“Certainly smells like there’s a dying man.”

“Yeah sure. Anyway, how’s Chloe?”

Simon tried to act surprised by this question, however he had been anticipating it for the past 3 days. She was always on his mind, but was he occupying hers? He wasn’t sure.

“She’s fine.”

“Fine? You seemed to be a big fan of hers the other night.”

“What do you mean?”

“While I do tend to get completely smashed Simon, I have the memory of an elephant. You wouldn’t stop going on about her when we were waiting for our chips.”

“She wasn’t there was she?”

“Thankfully no.”

“Great, I won’t seem like such a stalker.”

“You, worrying about what people think about you? Never in my life. “Barry sarcastically remarked.

“Oh shut it. Look, I need you to clear off tonight, she’s coming over.”

“Oooh are you gonna try to impress her with your best Gordon Ramsey impression?”

“Yes, although hopefully with less swearing. Can I count on you to be gone?”

“Yeah of course.”

That was one less thing he had to worry about, striking one entry off list of possibly thousands. Why did he have to invite her to dinner? He just had to let his mouth run away from him, rambling on about how he loved to cook. While it wasn’t a complete lie, he never really cooked for anyone other than himself. He vaguely remembered her saying she liked Italian food, so he tried his best to make up a nice three course meal that wouldn’t be too difficult to make. Bruschetta to start, steak for the main course, then some tiramisu. Some light acoustic playlist on Spotify, a bottle of red wine, it had all the makings for a romantic evening. He put on one of his shirts, one that didn’t really fit him right but would get a few compliments on a night out. Dark jeans and his casual dress shoes would complete the ensemble.

As he was putting the finishing touches to the bruschetta, there was a knock at the door.

“Hey!”

“HI, come in, come in.“

He was worried what he thought of his outfit.

“You look nice!” She said.

This was now the best shirt in the world, he would die in this shirt. This shirt would be known as ‘The greatest nice shirt’.

“Thank you. You look.. amazing.”

This was an understatement, but he didn’t want to seem to eager. She wore a dark navy dress, in perfect contrast with her viciously green eyes. She wore high high-heels, yet still managed to be just a smidgen smaller than him.

After eating their three beautiful courses, they retired to the living room, wine and an acoustic playlist following them. They talked and talked, every subject that came to his mind exhausted and without breath. She didn’t seem to struggle though. What was a once shy girl, barely able to say more than a sentence, was now able to carry a conversation with a rock. As she rattled on about her favourite books, he was mesmerised with her. Maybe there was something here that would last. It’s too early to tell, he thought, but that didn’t stop him contemplating it.

“Can I ask you something?” She asked.

“Of course.” He wasn’t sure what to expect.

“What do you think the Labyrinth is?”

He certainly wasn’t expecting that.

“You mean like the labyrinth in Looking for Alaska?”

“Ok, that was just a test to see if you’ve read it, but yeah.” Her small, cheeky smile emerging again.

“Well, I think it is the emptiness that people feel. We all have this void in us that we try to fill, so we run around the Labyrinth trying to find something to fit the space. Maybe its religion, or friends and family, or maybe something more sinister like alcohol or skinning people. We all are trying to fill this gap, maybe as a distraction from the rest of life’s troubles. “

“That interesting.” She said.

They sat in silence, one that had become more and more comfortable as the evening went on.

“What do you think it is?”

“Pretty similar to Alaska’s interpretation. We spend the majority of our lives trying to escape suffering, escape the labyrinth, and sometimes it becomes too much of a wild goose chase. Then it

overwhelms us, we become lost in its maze, and we can’t find any way out. When that happens, we find the only way out of it. Death.”

Simon was taken aback by this. They were having a perfectly pleasant evening, and she had made it dark and twisted. He liked that. He liked this darkness that was in her. Her mystery was slowly being unravelled, and he liked what he saw.

The wine had run out, but it wasn't the sort of evening to encourage binge drinking. It was the sort of evening that wants you to have fun, but not go overboard, and by the end of it will be there to wrap you up safe in a warm blanket. They had moved to the sofa, lit only by the small lamp on the coffee table. The sofa was there since Barry and Simon moved in, worn out from its previous owners, now reduced to the sleeping arrangements of whoever ended up in the house that night. Or for Barry when he leaves his keys in the front door.

They sat beside each other, in perfect view for the other. As the night had progressed, they were each falling for the other, and did not want to be caught. He looked at her and saw many things. A new person to know, to cherish, a new life to begin. He was giddy at the thought, but didn't show it externally. He tried to be as relaxed as possible, even if he wanted to just grab her and kiss her right then and there. It wouldn't be appropriate, he thought. He was worried that she wouldn't like him, that she didn’t feel the same way. But her eyes told a different story. She was transfixed on him, only moving her gaze from his eyes to his lips. He was always cautious to make the first move, in case it went horribly wrong, but this time, he was sure.

"Can I tell you something?" He asked.

"Sure, what is it?"

"I like you."

"I like you too."

There was an awkward pause, one less comfortable than the others.

"I guess this is where I say some cheesy or smooth line and then kiss you."

She let out a small laugh, not wanting to break her gaze or her smile.

"Well, we could just skip the formalities."

"Yeah, maybe we could."

He awoke to another dull, grey Sunday. Rain was pelting down on the skylight, of which he forgot to pull the blinds over. This was a slightly different Sunday however, because he had a guest. He slept with Chloe, and he wanted to make it perfectly clear that they did not have sex. They did make out though for what seemed like ages at the time. But now she was in bed, with him, on a gloomy afternoon. He lay back down beside her, wrapping his arms around her waist and her arms. He traced his thumb over her bones, a tactile feeling he had come to crave. He moved up her arms, and up to her wrists, his thumb being met by small, raised lines stretching longitudinally over her arm. Scars. Scars from not being loved enough, from being entrenched in darkness. While he loved the dark side of her personality, he knew it would have its costs. While his thumb began to learn their shapes, he let a single tear roll down his cheek. How cruel does the world must be to drive someone, so capable of compassion and warmth, to the cold reaches of harming themselves? He never understood why people did it. Then again, he could count himself one of the lucky ones to have not experienced anything like depression or anxiety. He was curious to know what was going on inside her head. He wanted to go in, have a look around its dusty bookshelves and hidden passages, get lost in its mazes.

By now he was fully awake, and feeling a tad restless. He usually gets up as soon as he wakes, to get some food and some tea, but it felt like a waste of a moment to leave so soon. So, he sat up on his bed, and ran his fingers through her soft, curly hair, maybe a little bit too roughly, causing her to finally wake up.

She flipped around, and looked up to him.

"Did I say you could stop?"

"Well I was only doing it to wake you, and I think I succeeded in my mission."

"Well Houston we have a problem, I'm not fully awake, so get back to your mission."

"I could go back, or I could make us some tea."

"Actually, that would be swell right about now."

He got up from his bed, feeling her eyes following him around the room. He didn't mind being perved on a little bit, he would do the same.

While rooting around for a jumper, he asked

"How do you take it?"

"We're still talking about tea, right?" She said cheekily and with a wink.

"Yes, still about tea." He said, slightly oblivious to the innuendo.

"Milk and one sugar."

He went downstairs to prepare their morning brew. He retrieved two mugs from the cupboard, a plain white one, and his favourite one. A light blue one with thin edges, just about big enough for a digestive. He brought the hot cups of joy to the room and handed her the blue one.

“What the fuck is that?” Simon said, examining Barry’s current attempt at ‘modern fashion’.

“Its five different Hawaiian shirts stitched together.”

“It’s a god damn monstrosity.” Chloe said.

“Before we even get to the why, how the hell did you get five Hawaiian shirts?”

“Primark were trying to get rid of them, not many people buy them in October so I thought I may as well snatch a few up.”

“For good reason. How much?”

“£10 for the lot.”

“Not bad, still a bit much for looking like a berk.”

“Also when did you become such a good seamstress?” Chloe asked.

“Well when you’re broke and have a rip in your jeans to rival the San Andreas Fault, you learn to fend for yourself.”

The three of them sat down at the island in the kitchen and ate the muffins Chloe had made that morning. He loved her being in the house, she was constantly baking or cooking something delicious, the scent of her efforts making the house a much nicer place to exist in. His waistline however, was not as thankful.

“So what are you two love birds up to today?” Barry asked.

Not sure, maybe just go around town for a bit.” Simon replied.

Just as he said that, his phone buzzed with a notification.

“Hey, its been a while. Wanna catch up?” the message read.

He hadn’t spoken to her in over year, not since the breakup. Yet here she was, trying to get into his life again. He knew if Barry found out he would go crazy, maybe rightfully so. But he didn’t want Chloe to find out.

“On second thought, something has come up in work, I’ve got to go for a few hours. You don’t mind staying here, do you?”

“That’s fine, I’ll just read for a bit. I hope it isn’t anything to serious. “

He couldn’t bear to lie to her, but it was a necessary evil.

“No I don’t think so. I’ll see you later.”

He kissed her goodbye, hoping there was slightly more meaning in it than normal.

“What, no kiss for me?” Barry remarked. “You can kiss my ass if you want.”

They met in the café just on the corner, beside the cinema. Now you would think it was a bit hipster, back then it was just trendy. Filled with a mismatch of furniture, it felt cosy but spacious at the same time. A long table lined the front window, accompanied with wooden stools with copper legs. In the corners were smaller tables, next to old bookshelves filled with books no one here has read, but likes to say they’ve read. Large wing-backed armchairs sat beside them, waiting to be occupied by some sorry soul wanting their caffeine fix.

It was where they first met, where they went on their first date, the café where she told him about her cheating on him. It brought back painful memories that were now flooding his brain. Maybe now he could get some closure. He pulled up a stool by the window, and watched the world go by while he waited. They used to sit in the corner, away from prying ears, in their own little alcove away from it all. Here was more open though, he thought there would be less drama sitting here. And besides. If being here was flooding his head with painful memories, sitting in that unchanged armchair would feel like a tsunami.

“Hey.” She said.

“Hi.” He said.

She looked as gorgeous as ever. Her eyes as strikingly blue as they were when they first met. Her perfect smile bringing out her little dimples by her cheeks. She wore a light tan leather jacket with a white shirt underneath, contrasting well with her golden-brown skin. She’d been away somewhere, not that he cared.

“How have you been?” He asked.

“I’ve been alright, ups and downs I guess. You?”

“I’m good”

“Good, that’s good.”

An awkward silence reared its head. It lingered, poisoning the air with tension and hatred. What was she doing here? What was her goal in all this?

“Jessica, what the hell are we doing here?”

“Something has come up, and I need help with it, but I don’t know who else to turn to.”

“What about Sarah, or Kristie? Your two best friends?”

“You don’t understand Simon, after everything came out about us, everyone abandoned me.”

Part of him was glad to hear that. She broke his heart, betrayed him, so she deserved punishment for it. He was still sympathetic. He knew what it was like to be completely alone. Before he met Barry, he was never a sociable person. Sure, he had friends, but no one he really connected with. He knew how horrible that felt.

“So what’s going on? What do you need help with?”

“Things haven’t been working out with John.”

John. The bastard she cheated on me with. He could never make her feel the way that John did, her attraction to him so strong that it overrode her feelings for him. And now she was sitting in front of him, asking for help.

“Why the fuck do you think I would help with that?”

“Because I have no one else to turn to. I know It was a bit far fetched, but Jesus Simon, we were together for 5 years, we’re bound to still care about each other. “

“You threw those 5 years away when you decided I wasn’t good enough for you.”

He was seething, how does she still think he was wrapped around her finger, primed and ready to bend to her will?

“So what the hell do you need?”

“I just need somewhere to stay for a few days, I need to get away from him.”

“Why, Prince charming not so charming is he?”

“Si you don’t understand. “

He used to love the way she said his name, like a calming melody across his ears. Maybe he still loved it.

“So help me understand, then.”

“I should have known from the start. When I talked about you, or our relationship, he would get really angry. Like, tip over tables and scream type of angry. At first I thought it was just a touchy subject, like you should never talk about your exes with who you’re dating. But it didn’t get better. If I didn’t wash something properly, it would set him off. He is just this bomb of rage with the shortest fuse. Two nights ago, we were in his house, and I said a passing remark about something to do with him, just taking the piss you know? He throws another tantrum, then he.. he…”

She was starting to cry now, and as he saw the tears roll down her once rosy cheeks, her past betrayals melted away. She needed him, not in the same capacity as she once did, but that didn’t matter. None of it did.

“Hey its ok, everything is going to be ok.”

He didn’t know that. He didn’t know what was going to happen. But maybe a few lies would help her feel more calm, maybe she needed some certainty in her life.

She rolled up the sleeves on her jacket, revealing the dark bruises across her wrists.

“Jesus Jessica. Did he do anything else to you?”

“No, that’s it.”

Whether he believed her or not, he knew he had to help her.

“We have a spare room. You can stay there for a few days. Just until you get yourself sorted.”

“Si thank you, thank you so much.”

She embraced him, she was wearing the same perfume she was all those years ago. It was almost sickly sweet now, hinting at a future life that was never going to be reality, at a life he thought he had under control. He wasn’t sure how he was going to explain this to Barry and Chloe, but it was something he felt he had to do.

Jessica went back to her hotel room. She could only afford to spend a few nights there, so she packed light, in case things didn’t work out. In the meantime, Simon called Chloe.

“Hey babe, how’s things?”

“Hey, I miss you, when are you coming home?”

“I miss you too. I’ll be home soon. Listen Chloe, there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Oh shit, what is it? You’ve bought another new set of knives? Or a new TV?”

“No, nothing like that. I didn’t go into work today, I lied. I met up with my ex from a year ago. Nothing happened, she just needs my help with something. I should have told you in the first place, and I don’t know why I lied. But she needs somewhere to stay for a few days. I tell you the details later. Again, I’m really sorry for lying to you.”

“Hey its ok, its ok. Is she in trouble or something?”

“Abusive boyfriend.”

“Jesus, ok. When is she coming over?”

“Wait, so you’re ok with her staying?”

“Yeah of course I am. She needs your help, I’d expect you to help her.”

“Have I ever told you how much I love you?”

“Yeah you mentioned once or twice, bone head. Now, when is she coming over?”

“Today, she’s just getting her things now.”

“Ok, should I tell Barry?”

“No, it’s fine, I’ll do it. Thanks for being so understanding.”

“Its ok, I’ll see you in a bit then?”

“Yeah, hopefully. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Jessica was now beside him, suitcase in hand, just about catching the end of the conversation.

“Who was that?”

“My girlfriend, you’re going to meet her today.”

“Oh, ok.”

He could tell she was disappointed. Maybe she was hoping this would rekindle their relationship, but the fire had long gone out. He wasn’t planning on giving her any hope; meeting Chloe was part of that plan.

Jessica had been in the house for three days now. She was settling in well to the household, she had taken a few days off work and was helping around the around the house as much as she could. Barry originally objected, but once Simon tells him about her situation, he was fine with it, assured that it was not a permanent thing and that it was only for a few days.

Simon arrived home from another dreary day at work, and was greeted to a sight he hadn’t seen in 2 years. Jessica was plating up a delicious meal for him and the others. He was thrown back to that golden era of their relationship. When their future was intertwined, stretching far across the horizon. He turned when he entered the kitchen and saw his other future, sitting on the sofa, embracing a mug of tea. Even if he missed what he had with Jessica, he loved what he had with Chloe. No stupid arguments, no stupid compromises, she had been with him through thick and thin, he only hoped she was willing to go through more. He worried that he had overstepped some boundaries with letting Jessica stay, but Chloe seemed fine with it. If it was bothering her, she wasn’t saying.

Chloe got up to greet him.

“Hey, how was work?”

“Oh awful as always.”

They exchange a quick kiss, him unsure if they should do that in front of her.

“Do you still work at the same place?” Jessica asked.

“Yeah, still the same job too.”

“Maybe things haven’t changed much.”

He didn’t like what she was hinting at.

“I’m gonna go shower before dinner.” Chloe said, winking as she made her way out of the kitchen.

He gave her a look, saying with his eyes that he’ll be there soon. He left his bag down by the sofa, but when he turned around, he was greeted with Jessica in the way of the door.

“I missed you.”

“Jess, what are you playing at?”

She gets closer, running her fingers along the collar of his shirt.

“Just a quick kiss, just for old times’ sake.”

“For fucks sake Jess, no. We’re done.”

“She doesn’t have to know.”

“I don’t care if she doesn’t know, this is not happening.” He was close to shouting now, but he didn’t want to worry Chloe. She always did that.

“Just get out my way.”

He pushed her away, and made his way upstairs. He walked in to his bedroom, where Chloe was getting ready, wearing just a dressing gown and with her hair tied up in a bun. It was an untameable mass of curls, her hair, yet she always seemed to be in control of it.

“What’s up? You seem annoyed” She said. How could she always tell, he wondered.

“Oh its nothing. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Just as they were about to kiss, three large bangs had rippled their way through the house.

“What the fuck was that?” He asked, unsure of where he expected an answer from.

He ran downstairs, joined by Barry in yet another Hawaiian disaster of a shirt.

“Stop trying to make it happen.” Simon said.

“I am at the forefront of post-modern fashion.”

“Post-modern shit more li-“

Three more bangs echoed from the front door. Jessica came out the kitchen to see what was happening, even if she knew.

“Simon, don’t answer that.”

“If someone is banging on my door I want to know who the hell it is.”

“SI seriously, don’t answer it.”

He was already at the door, and opened it to be greeted by what looked like a watsit jacked up on steroids.

“Where the fuck is she?” The Watsit asked.

“First of all, who the fuck are you?”

“John, get the fuck away from here.

So this was John. The person she left him for. He seemed like quite the catch.

“Look, I think you should leave.”

“And I think you should shut the fuck up.” “Barry, call the police.”

“I’m not leaving here without her!” The Watsit had become the same shade as a prune, clearly frustrated that his demands were not being met.

“Well I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed.”

“Oh fuck off would you?” John said, and as he said it, he swung for Simon’s head, connecting a clean punch across his jaw, knocking him out.

He woke up 4 hours later, with a headache from hell and someone’s hand in his. He gave it a quick squeeze, just to make sure he could still feel anything. He felt a squeeze back. He opened his eyes, wanting to see Chloe by his side, but instead, it was Jessica. He pulled his hand away, revealing a long IV drip trailing from his wrist.

“Where is Chloe?”

“She’s just getting some snacks. She loves to eat, that girl.”

“Jessica, unless you want to tell me what happened, shut the fuck up.”

“I think the others might be more willing to help.”

She got up from the light blue armchair beside his hospital bed, storming off down the corridor. Chloe and Barry came back a few minutes later.

“Oh thank god you’re awake!” Chloe said, running to his side

“That was some punch. “Barry said.

“You say punch. Why do I feel like he had a few other goes?”

“That maybe because he did. He layed a few into your chest I think. I managed to wrestle him to the ground like the good friend I am and return the favour. Luckily the police arrived shortly after that.”

“I’m surprised they didn’t arrest you for some crime you’ve yet to stand trial for.”

“I’m a bit of an idiot, but I’m not a criminal.”

They laughed, while they did he saw Jessica through the little window in the door. She didn’t look happy. Maybe he didn’t react the way she thought he should have. He didn’t care.

Friday night. Simon and Barry had taken themselves off to the pub. Chloe would have joined, but her depression was bad that day, so she stayed in for the night with Jessica. They had become good friends over the course of her stay. They would talk about books and film, something Simon was never really interested in. He was glad she had someone to talk to when he wasn’t there, he worried about her being lonely. Truth be told, he was more worried with her being alone with Jessica.

“So you woke up and she was holding your hand?” Barry asked.

“Yeah, weird, isn’t it?”

“I’ll be honest, she seems crazy.”

“You wouldn’t be the first to think that.”

“Look, I’m all for her staying until she’s back on her feet, but she pulls any of that shit infront of me, I’m gonna have some words to say about it.”

“And I’ll let you say them.”

They drank their weekly stress away.

Chloe had sat down in front of the TV, ready to browse through the Netflix catalogue for the 7th time that day. Her depression had become a bigger issue over the past few weeks, slowly dehabiltating her. She felt like doing nothing at all, even if it was so unfulfilling. The only good part of her day was seeing Simon, but at least she had that.

“Hey, why the long the face?” Jessica asked, sitting down beside Chloe.

“I’m just not feeling the best, that’s all.” Her default excuse.

“Do you often feel like this?”

“Yeah, kinda.”

“Ah its just all in your head isn’t it? You’ll get over it. Sure, there’s way more people worse off than you.” She said, in a matter-of-fact manner.

Of course its in my head, where else would it be Chloe thought. She didn’t seem to grasp how horrible it can be. Yes, so many people had it worse off than her, that’s what made her feel worse. Here she was, in a lovely home, with central heating and enough food to feed 5000, living with one of her best friends and someone she adored, and who adored her back. How lucky she was. Yet despite all that, here she was, wishing the world would swallow her up, leaving not a trace of her existence. Here she was, unable to do the things she loved, to love the people she loved, over a few misfiring chemicals in her brain. She was beginning to like Jessica, that was slowly eroding.

“Well if only it were that simple. Anything you want to watch?” Desperately trying to move the conversation on.

“Actually, I was thinking we could talk.”

“Sure, what’s up?”

“Well, something happened in the hospital that I thought you should know about.”

“Why, did Simon say something funny when he woke up?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well what is it then?”

“Well, he opened his eyes a bit, and looked around the room. When he saw me sitting by his side, he said ‘Jess’, I said ‘yeah?’, then he said ‘I love you.’”

Chloe was enraged. She knew she shouldn’t have let her into this house. But maybe this was proving all of her insecurities right. Maybe he didn’t want to be with someone who had no ambition, no drive, no love for life. Maybe when he saw Jessica, he knew what he could have instead. She was on the verge of tears, barely able to contain herself.

“I know it’s hard to hear, I just thought you should know. I don’t want it to be a shock when it happens.”

At that moment, Simon came back from the pub, looking for his wallet.

“Hey, just getting somet- Wait, what’s wrong?”

“You fucking tell me.” Chloe shouted.

“Woah, what the hell is going on?”

“She told me about what happened at the hospital.”

“Right I see. Jessica, could you give us a moment?”

“Sure, I’ll be upstairs.” Winking as she walked by. What did she do now?

“Chloe, what did she tell you?”

“She told me that you said you loved her, not me.” She said, her words struggling to get through the tears.

“Oh god fucking dammit.” He was furious, how could she lie about this? What was she trying to gain?

“Chloe, that did not happen. I woke up, she was holding my hand, I pulled away and told her to fuck off. That’s it. “

“So you do love me?”

“Yes, of course I love you.”

“I just thought you had enough of me, that you were sick of me being a depressive bitch.”

“I can never get enough of you. I love you every bit of you, even if some of it is a bit broken.”

“I love you too.”

They embraced, Chloe sobbing into his chest. He just got that jacket, but it was worth the sacrifice. Now he had to deal with Jessica.

He went upstairs, where she was waiting on his bed.

“Hey, handsome.”

“Get the fuck out of my house.”

“Wait, what?!”

“Jessica, get the fuck out. I don’t care if you end up staying on the streets, just get the ever-living fuck out of here.”

“But, I thought with her out of the picture, we could be together again. Just like the good old times.”

“Really? You think I would drop a girl that I’m in love with, who treats me far better than you ever could, just because you came waltzing back into my life? No, that’s not happening, and it’s about time you realised that. Jesus Jessica, I knew you were mental, I didn’t think you were this bad.”

“Simon, please, just let me stay a few more days, I swear I’ll-“

“Get. The Fuck. Out.”

Simon and Chloe watched from the sofa as she packed her things. Traveling light has its advantages, at least when you get kicked out for being a crazy bitch you can do so in a timely manner. 10 minutes is all it took, before she was out the door. Barry was coming home when he met her on the street.

“You’re off in a hurry.”

“Oh piss off.” She stormed off into the night, as fast her heels would let her.

“Nice to see you again!”

He arrived to a home he had become used to, one that was different, changed for a few days, before settling back to its natural resting point. It was just the three of them.

“So did I miss much while I was gone.”

They looked up at him, then at each other, and smiled.

“You don’t know the half of it.”

5 Pints Part 7

His desk a graveyard of hobnobs and cuppas, he looked across the battlefield and saw the corpses of old and rotten ideas. Scrunched up in an undignified manner, he couldn’t get one idea to stick. He was sick of waiting for one good idea to come along, he was going to force it out, even if it killed him. Sadly, it had pulled a few good punches, so he lay his head down and waited from something else to spring up to the stage of his attention. This article was going to longer than one night, who even cares about locally sourced cappuccino cups anyway? Maybe he was at the wrong magazine, or in the wrong industry all together. He fantasised about giving everything up, moving to a cabin in the woods or the mountains, just living off the land and off the grid. Now was not the time, things were good here.

He went downstairs to the kitchen. Chloe was there, baking some brownies, dancing to Bruno Mars. He was beginning to get better at telling the good days from the bad. During the bad days, eh would feel helpless. He’d try his best to understand what she was going through, but it all seemed so… wrong. The bad days were accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and despair, crushingly low self-esteem, and a hatred of all mankind. He tried hugging her, kissing her, hoping that any affection would help her feel better, but in the end, it was time that was the best healer. These episodes would last a few days, and when they ended, it was like the sun had come back into her life of eternal winter. She had a spring in her step, she hummed and sang, even if she wasn’t any good. It was a sight to see, and he was glad every time he saw it. Today was a good day. He lurked in the door way, her unware of his presence. She did this little dance while sifting the flour, he couldn’t help but let out a giggle. She turned around like a frightened deer.

“How long have you been there?”

“Long enough.”

“How’s the wiritng going?”

“Ehh its not going well, I need a break from it all.”

“I’m sure you figure it out, you always do.” She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek, before returning to the task at hand.

“Wanna help?” She asked, while adding what seemed like a disproportionate amount of coco powder.

“Well I could give it a go I guess.”

He never liked baking. Cooking he could do. Throw a few things in a pan, add some seasoning then bam, you’ve got a meal. But baking was more like a science, one wrong measurement or badly followed procedure, and you’ll end up with a pancake when you were looking for a Victoria sponge.

“Just grease the pan, will you?”

“Now that I can do.”

They had been in a relationship for a year now, their anniversary fast approaching. He couldn’t think of what to get her, or what to do for her. He just hoped she felt well enough to feel happy. That’s all he ever wanted now, anything to make her feel safe and content. But right now, he was greasing a pan for her. Maybe that is all she needed, someone to be there, to help any way they could.

Barry came home from the gym, something Rachel had suggested a few weeks prior. He left a bundle of energy, he returned a panting, sweaty mess.

“My… Legs.. Are… Dead” He said in betwwen sharply inhaled breaths.

“Why do you do this to yourself?” Simon asked.

5 pints Part 8

Three years they had lived in that house. Simon didn’t think it was a good idea at the time, eh thought it was another crazy idea from Barry. It was only meant to be a temporary place, until he and Jessica felt like it was the right time to find their own place. That time never came, maybe for the best.

“Is that everything?” Barry asked.

“Yeah I think so, did you remember the box full of dead babies?” Simon replied.

“Yup its right next to the box of dead hookers.”

“As long as they don’t mix that’s fine.”

“You two are fucking gross.” Rebecca said.

“Yeah, you both know you’re meant to keep them refrigerated.” Chloe said.

“Ah I’m sure it’ll be fine.” Simon said.

As Simon loaded the last box, filled with Chloe’s vast amounts of books, he started to feel light headed, his view of the world was being turned on its head.

“Hey, are you alright?” Barry asked. He wasn’t alright. He was passing out.

Over the next few hours he came in and out of consciousness. He was on the ground beside the van, then he was in the ambulance, then in hospital. He didn’t dream, he didn’t hallucinate, it was almost like he was teleporting to these different places. He woke up after what he assumed was a few hours. Chloe was by his side, holding his hand. Not having enough energy to speak, he squeezed it, giving her as much assurance as he would that he was fine.

“Oh thank god you’re awake! I wasn’t sure you would make it.” She said, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She looked tired, like she hadn’t slept in days. Maybe that was right.

“Hey, how long have I been out for?” He asked.

“3 days.” Chloe said.

“What the hell, what happened?”

“We don’t know, you just passed out outside the house, the doctors said you might have a head injury or something, I don’t really remember. “ She said. She sounded frustrated, almost helpless.

“Hey, its alright. “

“Don’t say that, we don’t know yet.”

“Ah Simon, you’re awake. I’m Doctor Shard. “

Shard was a tall man, almost exceedingly tall, bowing his head to get through the relatively small door frames. He wore thin glasses that he pushed up with this middle finger. His hair was black and neatly combed to the side. He had a reassuring voice, he had to in the place he worked in.

“Uhh hi.” Simon said.

“Simon, do you have any memory of getting here?”

“Bits and pieces. Nothing from the past few days. “

“Ok, that’s to be expected. Have you had any serious injuries over the past few months.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“What about the fight with John?” Chloe asked.

“Well yeah, but they didn’t find anything wrong with me when I was here.”

“Ok, interesting. I’m gonna put you through some tests, just to make sure that everything is fine.”

“Ok, thank you Doctor.”

Over the next few hours he was under examination, he had an MRI scan, something he had only seen in TV shows and movies, tt was surreal to actually go though one. He had his memory tested, who was the prime minister, what year was it, who he was, the usual questions that you would ask someone who has a major head injury. He was put back into his room, with Chloe still there, like she was a part of the furniture.

A few more hours had passed, and Doctor Shard returned with the test results.

“Hi Simon. I was wondering if we could talk alone for a second.”

“Look, anything you tell me, she is going to know at some point, so you might as well do it in one go.”

“Ok, fair enough. From your results, it seems like that fight you got into caused a lot more damage than previously thought. I’m going to be blunt about it, you basically have a blood clot in brain. The reason you passed out was because it was stopping almost all of the oxygen in your body to go to your head.”

“Jesus Christ. How come it didn’t show up the last time I was here?”

“We didn’t test for it.”

“Well shit. “

“Is it serious?” Chloe asked.

“Yes, very. We need to operate as soon as possible. There is only one slight problem.”

“Well what is it? It can’t be worse than what you’ve already said.”

“Well it is. The operation is very risky. There’s a 60% chance you will make it.”

“Right, ok.”

He was face to face with his own mortality. The way he saw it, he was going to die anyway from this clot, so why not die trying to get rid of it? He agreed to the surgery. Before he went under anaesthetic, he grabbed his notebook from his bag and wrote a few things down.

“Chloe, I need to talk to you.”

“Ok, what’s up?”

“If I don’t make it, if something goes wrong in the surgery or it just doesn’t work, there is a notebook in my bag that I want you to read. “

“I don’t really want to think about that right now.”

“I understand, just don’t forget about it ok?”

“Ok, I love you.”

“I love you too.”

He was curious of last words. What a coincidence it seemed that people would say such brilliant things when death came knocking at the door. While what might have been his last words were not smart, or sarcastic, or wise, at least they meant something to someone. At least he meant something to someone. He was wheeled off to the operating theatre, his life in the hands of some guy with a scalpel. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to leave Chloe behind. He didn’t want it all to end so abruptly. He thought of every regret he had in his life. Why did he have to let Jessica stay in the house? Why didn’t he just tell her to go to the police about John? Maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation if she didn’t turn up. Maybe he wouldn’t be fearing for his life.

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