#I’m in my era of self growth rn

[nuclearplushie]

Genuinely the best thing to happen to self image was following not safe for work artists. Like seeing how different body types are portrayed in such desired way helped me feel more confident looking at myself in the mirror

Well like… that and getting my nips pierced but that’s besides the point

[angrykpoprants]

as someone whos been in and out of the kpop sphere for well over 10yrs and witnessed 2nd gen -> 3rd gen and now -> 4th gen i know of no other music genre w a history so organized(?) i think it def comes from the insanely fast turnover rate of kpop groups; the 7 year curse is very real and i would argue most groups legacy and peak can usually be distilled into a few years

for example girls generations peak influence was prob from 2009-2013 (gee, genie, hoot, oh, the boys, igab) although theyve had hits outside of that obviously 2009-2013 was still the most profitable w their tours and japanese and american debut and the members started mostly doing solo activities after 2015 notably taeyeon debuted with I in 2015 [so far gd and taeyeon are the most notable kpop soloists w longevity oh hyuna too but hyuna always felt more solo than 4minute or wonder girls]

for big bang i would argue it 2007-2012 (starting w lies, haru haru, tonight and alive eps) although its a bit harder to nail down w big bangs notoriously long hiatus and g-dragon (2008-2014 heartbreaker, one of a kind, coup d’etat) plus taeyang’s (2010-2014 i need a girl, wedding dress, eyes lips nose) solo careers following a different trajectory and peak (2014 mama) arguable that MADE (2015) was their real peak before enlistment and after long hiatus

exo (2013-2017), twice (2015-2020~), shinee (2008-2013), 2NE1 (2009-2014), bts (2015-2020~) [i personally think bts peaked musically between skool luv affair and wings]

you can do this w any group the point is kpops insanely high turnover rate and the industry’s obsession with young and fresh faces makes it so longevity/artistic growth arent as valued as something new (there are an insane amount of rising groups rn ask whos the 4th gen leader on twitter and there will be violence) and kpop idols go into their careers knowing its not sustainable and most will pivot to acting, modeling, going solo, or something else and very few reach any mainstream or critical acclaim as a soloist from a group (big bang’s individual solo work early in their definitely made them stand out among bgs of that era as shinee also all went solo rather successfully they did so after shinee’s peak popularity) i think bts used a similar strategy when giving each member a solo song in wings. there also is always the one person that become the face and most popular eventually synonymous (suzy in miss a, zico in block b, cha eunwoo in astro, wonyoung in ive, hyuna in 4minute) etc. with the group brand thats probably not the idea for the rest of the group but it profitable and kpop companies typically arent too invested in their artists going solo if they wont be successful (contracts are usually only last 7 yrs) [new kpop idols should thank jyj (former tvxq/dbsk) and their lawsuit for korea fair trade commission’s 7 year limit for entertainment contracts; kris luhan tao also continued the sm tradition of sueing for worker’s rights] anyways idk what my point is here ive just been in the kpop meta for too long i feel old and wise but the message to all kpop fans esp new ones… its all capitalism <3 i know some groups self produce or wtv but its all for profit think about why youre buying 6 versions of the same album when you dont even have a cd player and if thats you than more power to you buying things is fun just remember kpop is not that deep bc its run by corporate overlords i’ll leave this with some potentially obscure older recs: a fool of tears - big bang, black hole - shinee, express 999 - girls’ generation, signal - f(x), dont flirt - winner [yg’s who is next was emotional damage produce101 before p101] , change - hyuna, mental breaker - block b (underrated rap line park kyung zico p.o. also from a meta sense bts and block b are very similar bts got a lot more success prob due to smart musical choices and marketing and a little luck

^^^ I don’t really have much to say or add to it. I’m just going to pretty much post it as is. I mean, after seeing the same thing happen 10x times to every Tom, Dick, and Harry you know it’s inevitable.

[minecraftsz]

oh on the topic of song asks :] camisado by p!atd for c!tommy + i warned you dont make an enemy of me by los campesinos for c!tntduo

AUGH old panic!... ur activating my nostalgia brain rn. "Can't take the kid from the fight, take the fight from the kid" just immediately reminds me of c!Tommy and his history of being abused, specifically that abuse being justified by c!Dream with him being an instigator, someone who makes things more complicated and more contentious. Dream is essentially "Taking the fight from the kid" by breaking him down emotionally. I think Tommy definitely internalized some of that. The following line "Sit back, relax, sit back, relapse again" definitely makes me think of Tommy's apparent aversion to stillness at some points, as if becoming stagnant makes him anxious. I think at some point he says something like "I'm like a shark"? Could be wrong abt that one. The whole song has a very self destructive tone, as if pain is unavoidable and even necessary for closure and/or growth, in sort of a resigned way. Thanks so much for me to go back and listen to this era of p!atd!!!! This was super fun :)

I'm not as huge a fan of los capesinos so this might not be as in depth but I really do love the sort of... messy tone of this song for tntduo? It's very loud, very clashy. I also think the line "But if this changed your life, did you have one before?" Is very biting, but when aimed at wilbur it probably rings true. Wilbur really does consider Quackity his reason for living at this point, or at least living in the way he does.

[twelvegrimmyplace]

Fuck it im still awake might as well post my listening notes. Excuse...everything i literally typed these as I listened so its all nonsense. Skipped Lights Up/Adore You/WS as i need to get my ass to bed. Gnight

Fine Line First Listen

Golden: love that piano!! I expected it to be way lighter and sunnier in tone based on how harry and zane described it. I like this a lot more than expected based on description. like way more. so melancholy yes ty v good v golden

Cherry: this is going to sound weird but the effect on his voice reminds me of like...2008. In the way that it reminds me of that era of indie vocals and production. I hear the Bon Iver comparisons here. Like V Bon Iver/Antlers/The Dodos etc. Was unsure at first but rly like this song

Falling: Not wild about the melody on this one. Feels norm. Vocals at the end of the chorus (“Fa-ah-liIiing”) sounds real good. Also love the phrasing in verse 2. He’ll sound good singing this live. My least fave on the album so far. 

To Be So Lonely: uh excuse me? This guitar is cool as shit. And the melody yes pls. These are my fave lyrics on the album so far for sure. Very clever turns of phrase that sound great when they’re sung, the sort of thing I always felt Harry had in him based on his witty personality an dlove of a clever line. This production is so unexpected I absolutely love this.

She: ohhhh ok BITCH. All of the piano on this album is absolutely doing it for me. OH FUCK YEAH AT THIS CHORUS. Full here for the extended guitar solo outro. I LOOOOOOOVE THIS SONG. Rly like the lyrics here too. I hadn’t heard any growth on the 3 released songs but I’m seeing some interesting movement in the second half of the album. Immediate stand out from the non pre-leased songs. The Woman of Fine Line. Also funny enough this song reminds me a bit of Jenny Lewis. Not a ton, just a bit in the songwriting. 

Sunflower, Vol 6: oh ok into this rhythm. This vibe is cool as hell - need to spend more time with it im a little tired and distracted rn and there’s so much going on here. Besides the older influences it also comes across with touches of Grizzly Bear and earlier Vampire Weekend. Love these lyrics:

I couldn't want you any more

Kiss in the kitchen like it's a dance floor

I couldn't want you any more

Kids in the kitchen, listen to dancehall

Canyon Moon: this is the first song where the influence feels thick and in that way reminds me more of the self titled. Dont dislike it but again need more time with this one to feel it my thoughts.  

TPWK: ok plot twist. I think i love this kooky shit? Also the lyrics are like...slightly desperate like they’re convincing the writer/listener that they can feel good if they try as hard as the production is trying, that its something to work toward rather than something that comes naturally the way the song makes it sound? Idk thats probably all nonsense just my first impression. Interesting to compare it to LIghts Up they are so different sound wisde but serve similar functions i think. This is like harry’s I Know A Place. 

Giving second chances

I don't need all the answers

Feeling good in my skin

I just keep on dancin'

Lovely.

Fine Line: ok yes i hear the bon iver fully now clearly lol. Love these lyrics, seems clear he’s speaking to himself here. Glad im listening to this on headphones. This is gorgeous i absolutely love it, feeling a bit emosh lol lets pretend i did not say that but wow i rly am. Cathartic, i love a good build up. Absolutely a stand out and perfect closer. Wonderful.

Overall impression: on first listen i think this is a gorgeous album and i immediately feel it’s stronger than the first album, no question in my mind. A lot brighter than i expected based on his descriptions. It builds a lot on what the first album laid out. I think it succeeds more on being as varied as s/t in terms of influence but feels more cohesive and like there’s a point of view that I think was missing a bit in HS1. It sounds like he has more to say and says it in more interesting ways (sonically, lyrically)

I think the production is in full force here, making for a great album to listen to, but it comes at the expense of major vocal moments for Harry. There are obvious moments of cool phrasing but overall thats not the focus here. It isn’t a bad thing for the album as a piece of work but as a stan of harry’s voice I’m disappointed in that regard. Not many disappointments here tho I’m wild about it. Again, just like the first album so much of it feels unexpected and it rly excites me to listen to it. I can’t wait to dig in more. 

Can’t say I have many complaints. Need to give more time to Canyon Moon. Falling didn’t connect with me; something about the songwriting here felt undercooked rather than stripped back (even tho i did like some of the vocal choices). But otherwise immediately was digging everything to varying degrees. Fully obsessed with Golden, SHE biiiiiitch, To Be So Lonely, Fine Line. Really liked the others, even TPWK I think?!?? What a weirdo song but i like?

THANK YOU HARRY FOR THIS GOOD ASS MUSIC ILU.

[backpackbrigade]

Backpack Playlist 5/27/19

I no longer have a radio show so this is where I’m gonna be posting my thoughts and playlists! Have fun, who cares. Apple Music/Spotify links at the bottom. Enjoy. 

“Running Up That Hill (A Deal With God)” - Kate Bush, Hounds of Love (1985, EMI)

A gay icon, not much to say beyond that. We love some extra as shit background vocals.

“Bags” - Clairo, Immunity (2019, Fader)

First single off Clairo’s new LP coming out at some point this year. Literally all I can think when I hear the guitar line in this song is Avril Lavigne, and I say that with the utmost respect and love. Big ups to VW alum Rostam for the production on this track and Danielle Haim for drums - does this mean Clairo is now part of the PC Music squad AND the VW-adjacent rap/indie rock squad??? Her career is definitely pretty strange so far, but I’m hype to see her blow up beyond the world of the Youtube algorithm chewing up and spitting out DIY music videos. This track is also kinda full circle for her - in her big Pitchfork feature last year, she talked about being starstruck after seeing one of the Haim sisters on a plane listening to SOPHIE, and now she’s got one of them on a track. We love growth.

“Kisses 2 My Phone” - Sega Bodega, self*care - EP (2018, NUXXE)

Lona (aka MANIIK aka BABY GAMELAN) shared this EP with me last year, and it’s been rattling around in my head ever since. Some glitchy trap beats and subtly depressing lyrics about sending kisses to your phone and losing love. Scottish experimental pop kid who gets in your ears and won’t leave.

“Even the Shadow” - Porches, Pool (2016, Domino)

A classic, both Pool and their newer album The House (2018, Domino) remind me of a very specific time in my life when I was spending 12 hours in the photo studio every other weeknight and played Porches on shuffle to get through it. Very sad stoner synthy alt-pop for gay kids with lots of insecurity but dreams of 2014 soft pale tumblr aesthetic escapism!!

“Hatin” - Rico Nasty & Kenny Beats, Anger Management (2019, Sugar Trap)

Remember when Rico was just a Soundcloud kid with a stellar remix of “The Race” under her belt?? When I first heard that track in the background of a friend from high school’s Instagram story, I literally dropped my phone trying to lyric search it to see who sang it. Big ups to Lafayette (a newly minted Howard University grad :,) ) for putting me on. Rico’s always been bffs with Kenny, so this collab record isn’t surprising, but I didn’t expect it to be this good!!! Very excited to see her blowing up on Tik Tok rn, maybe she’ll finally get what she’s owed. And she deserves more than just a 2 second cameo in the Old Town Road music video………

“Dig” - Lance Bangs, Lance Mountain - EP (2016, Citrus City)

Reminds me of screamy jangly indie rock from the summer after my first year when I lived in a commune and got a stick and poke from a friend who was three mojitos deep. Also, Citrus City is awesome and we love to support VA labels!!

“Livin’ On a Prayer” - Bon Jovi, Slippery When Wet (1986, Vertigo)

Mostly putting this on here because it’s the ending soundtrack to a great little animated short film I watched recently called WORK (2009) by Michael Rianda. It’s a super 2009 short, but it’s fascinating because it feels like the aesthetic halfway point between Don Hertzfeldt’s Rejected (2000) and Bojack Horseman (2014-) style absurdity. It’s not the subtlest anti-capitalist cartoon out there, but it’s very cute and funny.

“20 Ghosts III” - Nine Inch Nails, Ghosts I-IV (2008, The Null Corporation)

Put this back to back with Bon Jovi because the weird guitar/vocal growls sound like the “Livin’ On a Prayer” digital doo-wops put through an insane pedal filter. Heard it for the first time when I was watching Laura Poitras’ documentary Citizenfour (2014) - she used it for the super haunting opening and closing scenes, and I can’t think of any better use for Trent Reznor’s sad garage dad phase guitar music.

“Guap” - Yaeji, Yaeji EP (2016, GODMODE)

No introduction necessary, hopefully. Gives me third year queer party vibes, and if you know what that means, congratulations. You’re part of an in-group now. Listen when you need subtle hype up music.

“Indica” - Dizzy Fae, Free Form Mixtape (2018, self-released)

When I showed a friend a picture of Dizzy Fae, their first response was that she’s probably from Amsterdam or Berlin or something and floats between secret clubs all week long before performing herself. She’s actually from Minnesota and is way younger than either of us assumed, so big ups to her for projecting the coolest vibes imaginable. Her vocal distortion is a little FKA Twigs, but she knows how to fuckin rap on the rest of the EP. Well worth a full listen.

“Flower Moon (feat. Steve Lacy)” - Vampire Weekend, Father of the Bride (2019, Columbia)

Best track on this new album, imo, but I can’t stop thinking about Vampire Weekend for a completely different reason. When this album came out, literally everyone was making fun of it for sounding like a Paul Simon redux. A lot of people praised it for the exact same reason lol. But Paul Simon’s relationship with cultural appropriation is a lot like Ezra Koenig’s, and not enough people have made that connection. Remember when Paul Simon broke the cultural boycott with Apartheid-era South Africa to make Graceland (1986)?? Everyone shit all over him for not only straight up taking South African music styles and centering himself in their vocal story, but doing it all in the midst of the largest cultural boycott in modern history. It’s a good album, I won’t pretend it’s not, but it’s deeply problematic and disappointed a lot of people who expected something better from a guy who knew what he was doing. Reminds me of 2008-2012 Vampire Weekend!! Anyway, listen to this track for Steve Lacy, if nothing else.

“Ur Phone” - boy pablo, Roy Pablo - EP (2017, self-released)

Another Youtube algorithm kid, boy pablo was in everyone’s feeds because this EP is the perfect summery shimmery gaze-y indie rock. His newer album is a little more uptempo than I personally like, but this track is *chef’s kiss*

“Can the Circle Be Unbroken” - The Carter Family, Can the Circle Be Unbroken: Country Music’s First Family (2000, Sony; original recording 1935)

Really not trying to wade into the country music discourse today, but this track is genuinely full of intense longing and sadness in a way that so clearly changed country/rock music and its relationship to the guitar.

“Before the World Was Big” - girlpool, Before the World Was Big (2015, Wichita)

Their new stuff fucking slaps, and seeing them come to terms with their gender identities is fucking beautiful!! But I always come back to these weird ass nursery rhymes. It’s literally just their harmonies and two guitars, and legend has it if you turn this up to full volume in your car and drive through your hometown, your unrequited high school crush will appear with their spouse and two kids just to rub it in.

“Vroom Vroom” - Charli XCX, Vroom Vroom - EP (2016, Vroom Vroom Recordings)

I mean. It’s Charli’s early work with SOPHIE, you’ve gotta just blast this shit and ruin someone’s life. The return to queer hyper pop over the past few years is the only thing sustaining my fucking mental health.

“Xternal Locus” - Chynna & Oklou, Single (2018, self-released)

Another track Lona played for me after I picked her up from work in DC. Lowkey enough to ***** to, highkey enough to **** to ;)

“Cinema” - Kero Kero Bonito, Totep - EP (2018, self-released)

KKB really did an about face with this record, but I still fucking love them. It’s still sunny and glittery pop, but with a chilled-out vibe. Their intense pop records are like the come up, and this is the chill smoke sesh the day after. Just vibey enough to let you chill out and kick back, but keeps you on your toes with some unexpected samples and glitchy moments.

“Jack the Ripper” - SadGirl, Breakfast for 2 - Single (2018, Suicide Squeeze)

We love surf rock, and that’s all I’m gonna say for this. You either vibe with it you’re bored as shit.

“watch you sleep.” - girl in red, Single (2019, self-released)

Music To Sleep To.

Playlists

[emevergreen]

ok wait I just wanna say, if you actually care about supporting writers of color and their writing then buy their books. 

one of the best parts of contemporary literature is being able to follow an author who is creating books actively. You can see their growth across each consecutive work. Buying their book is a great way to support their work, and the money goes to a living author!

if you want contemporary fiction recs as a place to start, look under the cut

Here are some books by writers that I enjoyed reading last year:

The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez

-- I’ll never shut up about this book. Space opera that really just. blew my mind. The writing is impeccable, the characters are compelling. Morally grey characters done very well in my opinion! The ending arc was my only critique, as it kind of petered off but! the experience of reading this for the first time was so so good, cannot recommend it enough. (cw: abuse, grief, family member death, major character deaths, uh I hope I’m not blanking on more but that’s all I can remember rn.

Such a Fun Age by Kiley Reid

-- I still think about her writing style to this day. The writing is complex and filled with detail and implications. Also such a well-researched exploration of the social attitudes surrounding wealth and privilege. And it does a great job of critiquing the white liberal ally as a person who harms more than helps (and only engages in antiracism for the social credit of doing so). It’s a great read, very worth it. (cw: racism, there is a tense scene that almost verges on police brutality near the beginning)

The Silence of Bones by June Hur

-- This one hit me hard, especially near the end. It’s a well-paced mystery thriller set in Joseon era Korea. The way it slowly unravels the mystery is so well done, all while keeping the pace pretty quick. Once the action picked up I was hooked. I also love Seol as a main character, she was very compelling to me. This is YA technically but I think it’s more New YA with how mature and intense it is. (cw: family death, abuse, murder, mutilation of the face; I read this a bit ago so I might be blanking on some)

The Deep by Rivers Solomon

-- here’s the concept from its summary: “The water-breathing descendants of African slave women tossed overboard have built their own underwater society—and must reclaim the memories of their past to shape their future in this brilliantly imaginative novella inspired by the Hugo Award nominated song “The Deep” from Daveed Diggs’ rap group Clipping.” assume a lot of trigger warnings going in, however. It’s very well-written, but it does not flinch away from the pain of the experience it seeks to depict. (cw: slavery, racism, murder, suicidal thoughts, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, implied rape, I think I got them all but? I might have missed something, I read this a while ago).

Real Life by Brandon Taylor

-- bought this one in print so I could revisit the writing because it is incredible. Talks about a black graduate student in a white-dominated graduate program. REALLY GOOD. I read this as a burnt out graduate student and I cannot express accurately how much it resonated with me. (cw: sexual assault, family member death, grief)

The Fifth Season by N.K. Jemisin

-- Incredible science fiction blended with fantasy. The world feels like its own thing, it’s very unique in my opinion. Also the way that Jemisin writes about institutionalized oppression and prejudice is so compelling. The characterization, the plot twists, and the development of each storyline is just *chef’s kiss*. I haven’t read the other two books in the trilogy yet but I really want to! I have heard great things. Oh, also another one with a lot of triggering content. (cw: prejudice/institutionalized oppression, eugenics, death in general (including of children), gore, abuse, I might be forgetting some but those are the big ones)

The Vanishing Half by  Britt Bennett 

--historical fiction, exploration of colorism and the effects of internalized racism across an inter-generational cast. The narrative voices across the different perspectives and generation are really well done. Also canon trans man, who is characterized very well in my opinion. (cw: racism, sexual assault, domestic abuse, lynching)

The Only Good Indians by Stephen Graham Jones

-- weird visceral horror with social commentary. It was a little hard for me to follow (I think because I read the audiobook) but super worth the read. I love Stephen Graham Jones’s flavor of horror so much. (cw: racism, murder and gore, sibling death, grief, major character deaths)

Pet by Akwaeke Emezi

--it’s a YA novel but it dives into issues of morality, good/evil in the setting of a utopia and the writing is stellar. Simple but powerful. Also a short read. The main character is a trans girl and the plot has nothing to do with that (she has an adventure about something unrelated). (cw: abuse, mentions of war/revolution, injury descriptions)

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng

-- This book addresses issues of race, privilege, and social decorum in small-town Ohio. It also explores what it means to be a mother, and to raise a child. It’s an entertaining story that cuts to the heart of the issues it seeks to interrogate with a careful edge. The book is nuanced in how it handles these issues. The show is not LMAO, I couldn’t finish it because the changes they made from the book were so annoying but. The book is really worth reading imo. (some ppl did not like the characterization, like they are a bit stereotypical in some cases but! still worth reading in my opinion).

In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado

-- Memoir, it’s a reflection on domestic abuse in a sapphic relationship. Written by a bisexual woman, this story is told across genre. Each snippet breaks down her experience, one facet at a time. Incredible, the writing is just so memorable and visceral and it really connects, in my opinion. (cw: domestic abuse, descriptive passages of verbal and domestic abuse, self-worth issues, fatphobia, biphobia, I think that’s most of them)

The Magical Language of Others by E.J. Koh

-- Memoir, a reflection on the author’s experience growing up separated from her mother and father, who lived in South Korea while she and her brother lived in the U.S. After a separation that lasted years, she reviews that part of her life by looking back over the letters her mother sent her during that period of isolation. The writing is so strong in this work, it says a lot with a few words and I appreciate how well it conveys meaning. (cw: suicide attempt, mental health issues, infidelity, neglectful parents, racism, death, war)

if you want more detailed trigger warnings for any of these (because some do have some intense stuff) lmk, I can write up more if needed.

Also here’s some books I have not yet read (so I cannot wholeheartedly recommend) that I’m excited to read soon:

- The Three Body Problem by Cixin Lu

- The Poppy War by R.F. Kuang

- All Boys Aren’t Blue by George M. Johnson

and also please listen to people of color who are reviewing and boosting these works. Own voices reviews are very important to gauge a work and its exploration of a certain experience. If you are interested in a book, make sure you keep in mind who the reviewer is and how that might inform their review of the book. 

[virgoes]

im sorry @followers lmao

^

1: Favorite MV? i really like the married to the music mv like the aesthetics of it2: Who was your first bias in ______? uhhh i’m gonna do all my faves i guess; bts: yoongi tbh; exo: minseok; got7: ...jb; shinee: jonghyun; exid: solji; astro: eunwoo; wonder girls: sunmi3: Favorite OTP? i dont know uhhhh i like chanyeol n ksoos friendship 4: Least favorite group? i dont pay attention to groups i dont like5: Favorite girl group? wonder girls... or exid i guess6: Favorite duo? akmu7: Favorite Solo singer? dean8: Your favorite K-drama? uhh i really like the best hit tbh i really liked heart strings though throwback to when i was super into cnblue9: Favorite Actor and Actress? i don’t know enough about acting to know who i like or don’t like10: Last group you started to listen to? astro i think 11: Last song you listened to? jjp’s new album12: Favorite picture(s) of your bias(es)? i don;t save pics tbh all my favorite things about/of members are in each of their #best (name) tags13: Favorite picture of your bias group? ^14: Favorite era? bts: hyyh pt 2; exo: ex’act i guess; idk anyone else enough15: _____ or _____ ? (members/songs/MV/OTP/actor/actress/groups) lmao16: How many k-pop songs do you have on your phone/ipod? i don’t download songs anymore, i have ailee’s ep from forever ago and cnblue’s ep too i think that’s it oh and some snsd songs17: What did you listen to before k-pop? i mean i still listen to a variety of stuff now too lmao but i liked indie or psychedelic for a little and then before that i was REALLY into bands like emo/screamo bands18: Tell me about your bias. Why is s/he your bias? (i’m gonna do my number 2s too cos this is fun lmao.) for yoongi: i guess the biggest thing is that he’s in it for the music although like so is namjoon but yk and i always respect musicians no matter their level of fame so and he’s similar to me in terms of how he thinks and acts from what he’s shown us at least and i’m self absorbed lmao and i dunno hes cute i guess. kyungsoo: he’s really driven so i respect him for that he’s not really afraid to be himself i think and he’s super like next door boy style :/ i think he’s being recognized as an actor which is cool too. eunwoo: he’s cute as FUCK and maybe it’s because he’s new in the industry but i like how he knows his place and is so so modest and humble and also driven to do what he wants well. jimin: i love his dancing style and how tiny n cute he is and how much it seems like he genuinely cares for the people around him and his fans mmm i feel like he takes criticism badly though but he always tries to please everybody even if that means bad on him. baekhyun: he’s super funny and annoying but like everyone in exo says it livens the atmosphere and it rly does and his voice is so nice like his singing brought me in first i think and it’s nice to see him grow esp because with him he seems to be accelerating in terms of growth like as a performer, singer, person compared to other people. mark: i think he’s been kinda blowing up recently but it doesn’t seem to affect him that much which is nice i think n he just seems like he’s having fun and sometimes it’s not that deep so19: Your favorite thing about your bias? ^ basically lol but if i had to specify one thing each (just for my no. 1s) then yoongi: his involvement + passion for music, kyungsoo: his motivation, eunwoo: how cute he is lmao 20: How did you get into k-pop? my friend showed me some music videos and then i started listening to suju, beast, snsd, and shinee’s title tracks and then started getting into stuff that way. i got back into it once i listened to exo’s stuff21: How did you discover your favorite group? if bts is my fav then i just saw dope’s mv lmao and my friends liked them too so i decided to actually listen to them22: Favorite performance? bts’ cover of perfect man maybe23: Favorite song by ______? ill just say my fav k-song rn it’s tomboy by hyukoh lol24: A group you never thought you would ever listen to? honestly anything past exo like i didn’t think i’d ever get into bts or anyone else especially k-indie and k-hh artists cos i didn’t wanna get too far into k-music cos i know it’s a trap lmao25: A group you'll never give up? probably shinee + cnblue since they were my favs from the start26: Do you own any merchandise? no actually, my friends in korea rn might be getting my posters but i have spotify premium so 27: Favorite album? the ones i can constantly go back to and listen to are dean’s albums, hyukoh’s 22, wonder girls’ reboot, exo’s exact, bts’ wings + dark&wild28: Ever heard about _____? lmaoooo29: Do you think you will like k-pop in ___ years? i think this time around it’ll be a much longer phase 30: An unpopular opinion about______? idk

[madigabz]

8-02 Hey baby, I was doing some reading yesterday & earlier today. Wanted to share some stuff just so you can read about some interesting things. Like chanting. It's pretty intriguing to me but idk if you'll like it. I was going to journal before work but I didn't give myself enough time. I slept in bc I didn't sleep the other night lol. My life is a mess but at least I have fun with it. Well I try to anyway. I wish I could have you here to relax and calm me down before work. I get so anxious sometimes about things. Never realized how much shit gets me going..worked up I guess you could say? Not really but I'm just OCD af and always on tip. I took a quarter of an addy bc I wanna study a lot tn. But it gets my heart racing still lol. I can definitely concentrate and focus more bc I truly do have adhd but I think it fucks w that heart murmur i have. Idk I like taking it & smoking too. I was emotional & soooo horny the last couple of days and I started my period i think? It might just be light but that's good! I hate how periods fuck up your hormones and make you so emotional lol. A little hope to not be negative & thinking I can't have kids. Even tho you said you can't bc you've blown in a lot of girls and nothing's happened -.- you're the only bf I've ever felt protective over. I think it's bc you're promiscuous:p. It'd be nice to have a conversation about life and share a bowl w you. Get fucked before work and be in a better mood ;) ughhh I can't wait! Do you remember sending me a pic back in like November I think? It was on our fb mssgs & it makes me wet just thinking about you bending me over the bed D: I was sad this am just in pain from yoga yesterday and I just want to be fit and healthy. Hate that one workout takes a week to not be in excruciating pain. Makes me stick to my diet more tho. Yoga and meditating with you:) Alan you're the best thing that has ever happened to me and I can't wait to be the mother of your babies one day<3 I reread your last letter again. Makes me have a piece of you in the day. Woke up and read it, it gets me through a lot of days. I feel like I can't be as positive as can be if I don't smoke. You've been sober since before New Years... and I'm just so fucking proud of you, dealing with everything the way you have been. I mean it when I say that it has proven to me that you really have grown up and became a man. I know you aren't the person you were 5 yrs ago, a yr ago or even since January... You are still my rock & strength even though you're locked up. Still my reason for my effort in life. Thank you for making me feel like everything is okay. Even if you don't say it all the time, I know you're a hard headed, strong mother fucking person and I'm in love with you. I think I make you a better person and you do the same for me. You're my motivation babe and I thought about that while I was bummin' out earlier. It's why I read your letter :) but when I had that thought "Fast Car" came on and it was like a sign :b not trying to sound gullible and silly but it was like a "relax your shoulders, breathe, you're going to get what you deserve. Everything is going to be okay." It was like I had you pulling me in and reassuring me I'm not kidding. I remember standing in front of the mirror or cooking in the kitchen and you'd wrap your hands around me from behind. God I love you... I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please don't fuck me over. I gotta get to work:( but it's my ticket to come see you!!! I'll link everything later to this letter... I take pics through out the day and wanna just check in like you're apart of my everyday life. Love you so fucking much!! 4:20 & I think I might play with myself before work(; write later babes:* 8-07 so it's been a couple of days now and I'm sorry I haven't wrote to you. Im doing a bunch of interviews and what not through out the day still. I just got hired at bdubs & it's the closest restaurant to campus so I know I'll make good $!!!! I have a couple interviews this week for nannying & massaging. Things are finally coming together!! We have both weathered the storm and I truly believe we are going to get rewarded for being so positive and understanding our circumstances. I'm at my first day of training at bdubs..I was doing paperwork and I saw that sammi requested to follow me on instagram, I seriously got tears in my eyes. I didn't know if she hated me or not. I told her to call me sometime when she is able to, it has made my whole day! I'm hoping you call tonight but idk what your sanctioned days were. I'm guessing fri-sun but idk..so many meetings and stuff rn I'm trying to stay on top of everything. Irdk how moms do their daily stuff, their husbands stuff, housework, providing/ working, bills, baby, drs, everything! I need to learn how to manage my time better. I wish i could teleport to you & spoon you in your bed tn. Please stay positive about October Alan, it's the only thing I'm holding onto. I hope you like all of the stuff I'm going to share w you. I thought it might make you think a little more hopeful. I've been talking to your mom quite a bit lately, would you want me to ask her to come when I visit the weekend of the 24th? We are about to start touring & what not but I wanted to check in w you. I love you so much Alan<3 -Chanting protects us from negative energies: In the state of meditation the mind is thoughtless. In this state, some negative energy can trouble us. On the other hand, a protective sheath that wards off negative energies is formed around us when we chant.-Nowadays many people practice meditation as a psychological self-improvement technique rather than a tool for spiritual growth. the benefits derived from such meditation are also at a psychological level. Based on the above comparison, for spiritual growth in today’s era, chanting is of greater value. If you already meditate with the intention of achieving spiritual growth, we recommend you complement it with the spiritual practice of chanting.-Om Mani Padme Hum:The two syllables, "padme", meaninglotus, symbolize wisdom. ... Thus the six syllables, "om mani padme hum", mean that in dependence on the practice of a path which is an indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech, and mind into the pure exalted body, speech, and mind of a Buddha"-Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu mantra: "May all beings everywhere be happy and free, and may the thoughts, words, and actions of my own life contribute in some way to that happiness and to that freedom for all.” *(I used to "pray" or ask the universe everyday to for 'the world get happier and safer each day. & whatever happens to me, I'm able to walk away with a smile on my face' I have said the same thing since I was like around 10 yo.) -You should reach the large bead (or tassel) after 108 repetitions. When you do so, it is traditional to turn the beads around and continue in the opposite direction. Now repeat your mantra silently 108 times, moving one bead at a time, as before. Meditate for a few minutes. Do this by sitting quietly and envisioning your chosen form of the divine within your heart or at the point on your forehead between your eyes. If thoughts come, let them come, but realize that you are not your thoughts, and gently dismiss them.!!!!!!!!*(THIS IS THE BEST SENTENCE I HAVE READ) -Increase the number of mantra repetitions and amount of time in meditation as you have the time and inclination to do so, and are able to do with concentration.You may also repeat your mantra silently throughout the day as often as possible!- Mantra recitation, which is called japa (“muttering”) in Sanskrit, has been an important aspect of Yoga practice since Vedic times. It consists of the repetition of the same mantra, which can be composed of a single syllable (e.g., om) or a string of mantric sounds (e.g., om namah shivaya). As Patanjali reminds us, the yogic path is propelled by practice and dispassion, and significantly, the Sanskrit term for practice—abhyasa—means “repetition.” Through repetition we create either positive or negative habit patterns. Mantra japa produces positive mental tracks, helping us to gradually overcome spiritual darkness. It is a powerful technique for focusing the mind and for harnessing the body/mind’s subtle energies in completing the yogic path of self-transformation. As stated in the concluding chapter of the Kularnava Tantra: “Japa is so-called because it removes the sin accumulated in thousands of lives and because it reveals the Supreme Deity.” The greatest “sin,” of course, is ignorance of our own true nature.-I will put the Law of Least Effort into effect by making a commitment to take the following steps: " 1. I will practice Acceptance. Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur. I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. I will not struggle against the whole universe by struggling against this moment. My acceptance is total and complete. I accept things as they are this moment, not as I wish they were. 2. Having accepted things as they are, I will take Responsibility for my situation and for all those events I see as problems. I know that taking responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for my situation (and this includes myself). I also know that every problem is an opportunity in disguise, and this alertness to opportunities allows me to take this moment and transform it into a greater benefit. 3. Today my awareness will remain established in Defenselessness. I will relinquish the need to defend my point of view, and I will feel no need to persuade others to accept my point of view. I will remain open to all points of view and not be rigidly attached to any one of them."- Least effort is expended when your actions are motivated by love, because nature is held together by the energy of love. When you seek power and control over other people, you waste energy. When you seek money or power for the sake of the ego, you spend energy chasing the illusion of happiness instead of enjoying happiness in the moment. When you seek money for personal gain only, you cut off the flow of energy to yourself, and interfere with the expression of nature's intelligence. But when your actions are motivated by love, there is no waste of energy. When your actions are motivated by love, your energy multiplies and accumulates , and the surplus energy you gather and enjoy can be channeled to create anything that you want, including unlimited wealth.-This leads us to the second component of the Law of Least Effort: responsibility. What does responsibility mean? Responsibility means not blaming anyone or anything for your situation, including yourself. Having accepted this circumstance, this event, this problem, responsibility then means the ability to have a creative response to the situation as it is now. All problems contain the seeds of opportunity, and this awareness allows you to take the moment and transform it to a better situation or thing. Once you do this, every so-called upsetting situation will become an opportunity for the creation of something new and beautiful, and every so-called tormentor or tyrant will become your teacher. Reality is an interpretation. And if you choose to interpret reality in this way, you will have many teachers around you, and many opportunities to evolve. Whenever confronted by a tyrant, tormentor, teacher, friend, or foe (they all mean the same thing) remind yourself, "This moment is as it should be." Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.-There are three components to the Law of Least Effort: three things you can do to put this principle of "do less and accomplish more" into action. Acceptance simply means that you make a commitment: "Today I will accept people, situations, circumstances, and events as they occur." This means I will know that this moment is as it should be, because the whole universe is as it should be. This moment -- the one you're experiencing right now -- is the culmination of all the moments you have experienced in the past. This moment is as it is because the entire universe is as it is.- If the karma is complete, this will be part of what you release. If it is not, patterns can be reset this month to reflect a higher vibration so that unfinished business and karma can be completed or continued in a way that comes from a place of more love, compassion and forgiveness. This includes self-karma, those deep hard lessons we all came in with this lifetime whether they are physical conditions, emotional or intellectual challenges, or just simply difficult personality traits. Whatever has been anchored through your childhood wounds and imprinting has become part of your patterning. That energetic patterning is your belief system that informs the quantum field around you to manifest certain aspects of your life. Much of this becomes automatic and unconscious until you have an opportunity like we do this month to go within, dig it up, re-evaluate its relevance, and make a change. So, the bottom line is that this is a great month to reset and recreate who you are, what you want to manifest, and how you want to show up in the world. It is going to take work, commitment, discipline and a true willingness to change.- You may also find yourself resurrecting old hobbies or projects or even collaborations with others especially around the arts and music. That garden that you dreamed of planting a few years ago may suddenly manifest because it is the right time. Or that business deal you gave up on will come around again with fresh energy and new insight. Be inspired by the possibilities and be creative in your problem solving and reconfiguring of what runs your physical life. It may be time to retire some aspects and rekindle others. Take a risk and take advantage of what comes your way, always willing for reevaluation and reset.- *(there's a total solar eclipse where the moon blocks the whole sun aug 21st) And speaking of eclipses, even if you are not in an area where they are visible, it would be very very wise to honor them in some way as powerful allies for reset. Try to take time around the eclipses, especially the solar one on the 21st, without interference from your schedule. “We will not actually see the results of what these eclipses have offered us until later in the fall. But you can be sure that if you put the intention into what you want reset, you will get their support.”-When you become defensive, blame others, and do not accept and surrender to the moment, your life meets resistance. Any time you encounter resistance, recognize that if you force the situation, the resistance will only increase. You don't want to stand rigid like a tall oak that cracks and collapses in the storm. Instead, you want to be flexible, like a reed that bends with the storm and survives. Completely desist from defending your point of view. When you have no point to defend, you do not allow the birth of an argument. If you do this consistently -- if you stop fighting and resisting -- you will fully experience the present, which is a gift. Someone once told me, "The past is history, the future is a mystery, and this moment is a gift. That is why this moment is called 'the present'." If you embrace the present and become one with it, and merge with it, you will experience a fire, a glow, a sparkle of ecstasy throbbing in every living sentient being. As you begin to experience this exultation of spirit in everything that is alive, as you become intimate with it, joy will be born within you, and you will drop the terrible burdens and encumbrances of defensiveness, resentment, and hurtfulness. Only then will you become lighthearted, carefree, joyous, and free. In this joyful, simple freedom, you will know without any doubt in your heart that what you want is available to you whenever you want it, because your want will be from the level of happiness, not from the level of anxiety or fear. You do not need to justify; simply declare your intent to yourself, and you will experience fulfillment, delight, joy, freedom, and autonomy in every moment of your life. *Literally, I believe I got you back into my life bc I wanted it so bad. You are proof that you can "get whatever you want bc you want it from the level of your happiness" I knew I would have you back one day honestly, I just had doubt. I knew it even before last April when you told me I couldn't let you go bc you were the one for me. You just had to grow up. I moved to Colorado to let you do that. -research tells us that every thought and emotion creates a chemcial reaction because it immediately changes our neurochemicals that affect our mental, physical and spiritual health,Your mantra should be your own; something that resonates with you and helps you recenter in the moment. Keep in mind that what de-stresses one person may not be calming for another. So stick with what works, even if it���s something as silly as “Hakuna Matata.” How could this 90s mantra not make you smile? Plus — it means no worries ... for the rest of your days.:) “This Too Shall Pass.” While it’s important to live in the present moment, it’s also comforting to remind yourself the stress you’re enduring now is temporary — clear skies are on the horizon.“Make It Work.” Tim Gunn’s power phrase is poignant: Take a deep breath and remember that you’re in control and there’s always a solution. Don't worry be happy(: & ofcourse from bob Marleys song "3 little birds" Don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right. Singin: don't worry about a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right! It's gonna be be alright man. Rise up this mornin, Smiled with the risin sun, Three little birds Pitch by my doorstep Singin sweet songs Of melodies pure and true, Sayin, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:) Singin: don't worry bout a thing, Cause every little thing gonna be all right.Singin: don't worry (dont worry) bout a thing,Cause every little thing gonna be all right! * hope you sang that with a Jamaican accent too :) alright who knows how many stamps this will be but this was the best way for me to show you that I'm thinking about you and doing everything I can to help you be positive & assured. I'm by your side baby. No matter what I'm going to wait for you. 8-08 i love you