#I’m gonna stop myself right there 🛑

[biwritesfics]

Constellations of us

Part 2: Leo

🛑 warnings 🛑

Death

War

Trauma

Grief

Toxic family

AN: This was written while I was sleep deprived I apologize. 1,926 words

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Hogwarts was beautiful even in the fog. The others were amused at my amazement but I didn't care. I was too busy soaking it all in. It was like a hazy dreamland and I couldn't take my eyes off of it. I was to call this stone fortress home for the next 111 days. We slowly pull to a stop and I nervously assess the line of first years that I'm sure I'm meant to join. We file out and I receive hugs from Marlene, Mary, and James. Plus smiles and well wishes from Sirius and Dorcas.

A house elf takes Bonbon with the luggage and I’m forced to stop stalling and join the 1st years. I stand behind a little boy with flaming red hair and freckles. “I'm Percival Weasley but everyone calls me Val, you're the new 5th year right,” he asks me as he shakes my hand excitedly. “That I am, I’m Arabella Canis,” I reply, smiling at the energetic little boy. “I’m definitely gonna be a Gryffindor my Da was one my brother Arthur was one and my brother Lance is one. How about you?”

I pause “I want Gryffindor but I think I’ll get Hufflepuff because of my Beauxbatons house but I’m trying for Gryffindor.” “Neat! What was your Bow-bat-uns house?” “Papillonlisse it’s similar to the word butterfly it’s for people who show kindness, maturity and enjoy socialization and the arts. It also tends to attract passionate people who believe the best for the world” “That does sound like Hufflepuff but my Mum always says your house is about what you value not who you are” He says trying to reassure me. “Thank you Val that’s very sweet.”

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As we were talking the line moved forwards rather quickly. It seemed each child only took a few moments to be sorted. The hat was an interesting method but then again we shot exploding arrows across the hall. I still remember when mine burst releasing Purple smoke and butterflies. I cheer Val on as he walks up to be sorted. As a Weasley he was last alphabetically. I had been chosen to go last due to my age. It’s only three anxious heartbeats before the hat cry’s out “Gryffindor!” The section goes wild and someone shouts “We got the third Weasley!” as if they’re popular collectibles.

“I’d like to be in Gryffindor I feel as if they are my family already” “Ahh your going to be one of the one that argues aren’t you?” the hat asks disdainfully. “Not arguing just requesting, bravery doesn’t mean you have to be pushy” Hmm. still feeling Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff. I suppose you are brave for asking and you’ve faced some rather nasty things I see” He goes silent for a long time only the occasional huff or grumble.

“What makes you think you can be a Gryffindor?” I pause and think wordlessly for a minute . “ I’m a Gryffindor because I’m petrified and lonely, yet I’m here advocating for myself. I live every day in spite off the massive things against me. I am kind, loyal, and smart, maybe a bit ambitious but that is not what I value most. I will not quarrel with you over it but if you place me in another house I will not be content.”

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“Better be Gryffindor!!” “Thankyou” I whisper quickly before running to join Mary and the others. There’s lots of cheering and hugs but it dies down eventually. “You were quite the hatstall,” Mary exclaims. “Yeah you beat Pete and he took four minutes,” James says nudging the mousy blond boy next to him. “How long did I take? “Seven minutes, it’s probably a record” remarks Remus checking his watch

“Is that a bad thing?” I ask as the infamous Hogwarts feast materializes in front of us. It’s even better than the descriptions I’ve heard. We begin filling our plates and Lily answers my question. “No it’s just rare, Professor McGonogall was a hat stall and she’s an excellent witch.” I mostly listen to the others talk, occasionally passing a dish or serving it.

James eats more mashed potatoes and gravy than any living being I’ve ever encountered. I’m savoring the roast. It's seasoned with rosemary or something of the sort. Remus has a bit of everything, somehow managing to keep each food item from touching. Lily’s plate is perfectly balanced, and Marlene has her plate split in half one hers and the other Dorcas’s. Mary’s is strictly veg while Sirius is relishing in every fried food he can grab. I guess the noble house of black didn't approve of fish and chips. Alice, a sweet girl who the others already know, has each savory item paired with a sweet one.

Peter mixes everything together in a way that's slightly nauseating but I'm happily distracted by dessert or pudding as they called it. I take a page out of Remus’s book and grab small portions from a variety. Mary explains the sweets I don't recognize. I end up with an assortment of biscuits and a bit of jelly roll. I savor every bite but I find myself eyeing the chocolate trifle. “It's nice you should try it,” Remus says motioning his spoon from me to the trifle he's currently eating.

I cave and grab one. It was futile to fight my desire for chocolate. I take the first bite and groan “Merlin that's good” Remus smiles or rather smirks victoriously. Sirius starts coughing and James smacks him on the back. “Juice go down the wrong pipe mate?” Sirius just nods in response. He wheeze's a bit more but seems okay. “Students, silence please!” Professor McGonagall calls out. The room quiets quicker than I thought possible.

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A white haired man in red robes approaches the podium. Dumbledore, I recognize the well known wizard and headmaster. “Greetings Students, I am pleased to lead hogwarts into its 1975-76 school year. We are all aware of the current unrest in our community.” My heart clenched I had been following the news of the violence even in France. My father had moved me into a war zone.

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“I do not believe in protecting students from truths that pertain to them . Outside these walls Muggles, Muggleborns, and other magical species are being targeted by Voldemort and his so called death eaters” I would not be surprised if my father admired the man. We had always disagreed in politics. If he wanted me to hate muggles and other “lower creatures” he should have raised me himself instead of leaving it to the houselves.

“Within these walls there will be zero tolerance for acts of hatred and dark magic. Anyone caught committing these atrocities will be severely punished and in some cases expelled.” He gives a pointed look to the far left table where the slytherins reside. Lily has been gripping me tight since the beginning of the speach. She had mentioned she was a muggleborn. She had nothing to worry about. If anyone wanted to harm her they would have to go through me along with pretty much everyone at this table, and that was based on first impressions alone.

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“I would like to list the names of a few victims that have hit us close to home, if the family of the lost would stand “ Timothy Longbottom” A brunette boy the next table over stands up looking solemn. “Ernest and Miriam Bones” Three students stand in the Hufflepuff section An older boy and two younger girls. The youngest girl is crying. “ “Marcus Shacklebolt” A ravenclaw boy stands. “Donnovan Corcoran” An older and younger woman stand at the teacher’s table.

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“Our hearts go out to each and every one of you and we assure you that you are safe and welcome here at hogwarts” The families of the victims sit again. “The school year will continue on as normal. Quidditch tryouts are tomorrow at 7:30. See your team leaders if you have questions. That would be James Potter for Gryffindor, they are in need of a chaser. Amos Diggory for Hufflepuff they need a keeper and two beaters. Kingsley Shacklebolt for Ravenclaw they are in need of a seeker. Alexander Wilkes for Slytherin they need a seeker and a beater.

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Schedule changes will only be allowed within the first month of the term so please do make up your minds until then. Third through seventh years, the first hogsmeade trip will be on the fourteenth. Harris has asked me to remind you that the Dark Forrest is off limits to all students. I would also like to remind students that unauthorized use of the potions lab is strictly prohibited. We don’t want a repeat of last year. James, Sirius, and Peter go crimson and Remus stifles a laugh.

Professor Marzana is holding a self defense club to meet at two o’clock on Saturdays. Please see her if you are interested. Lastly two reminders There will be no spellcasting in the hallways and curfew is from 9pm to 6am. During that time you are restricted to your dorms and common rooms. That is all I hope that each and every one of you have a wonderful start to the term. There’s a small round of applause before the first years are released to the dorms.

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We linger at the table the mood dampened by the sad news. “The Bones were so terribly sweet, do you think Edgar has guardianship of Amelia and Becca?” Mary asks her voice concerned “Yes he does my mum and Peter’s have been sending meals all August.” James replies. “I won’t be able to look at my family knowing one of them probably had a hand in it. Andy and I seem to be the only sane ones.” Sirius says. I can’t tell if he’s more angry or sad. “

I think half the reason my Father moved us here is to join up.” I whisper Sirius gives me a knowing and sympathetic look. “Im worried for my parents the death toll for muggles is in the thousands at this point, they just don’t connect them. I can’t help but worry that I’ll get an owl from Tuney telling me that they’re dead.” Lily laments. My parent and my brothers are vocal about their disapproval. My brother Angus and his wife Elspeth have been receiving requests to join. They just keep ignoring them but..” her voice falters but we all know what she means.

“My Aunt was killed in a muggle attack nearly a year ago but my Mother still hardly leaves her room.” Alice admits choking up a bit. “My mother thinks they’re going to kill my father. She has nightmares every night. She doesn’t think we hear but we do. Tina slept in my bed all summer.A five year old shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like that. Dorcas’s affection for her little sister is clear. We shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this either.” Remus says softy.

A white haired man in red robes approaches the podium. Dumbledore, I recognize the well known wizard and headmaster. “Greetings Students, I am pleased to lead hogwarts into its 1975-76 school year. We are all aware of the current unrest in our community.” My heart clenched I had been following the news of the violence even in France. My father had moved me into a war zone.

“I do not believe in protecting students from truths that pertain to them . Outside these walls Muggles, Muggleborns, and other magical species are being targeted by Voldemort and his so called death eaters” I would not be surprised if my father admired the man. We had always disagreed in politics. If he wanted me to hate muggles and other “lower creatures” he should have raised me himself instead of leaving it to the houselves.

“Within these walls there will be zero tolerance for acts of hatred and dark magic. Anyone caught committing these atrocities will be severely punished and in some cases expelled.” He gives a pointed look to the far left table where the slytherins reside. Lily has been gripping me tight since the beginning of the speach. She had mentioned she was a muggleborn. She had nothing to worry about. If anyone wanted to harm her they would have to go through me along with pretty much everyone at this table, and that was based on first impressions alone.

“I would like to list the names of a few victims that have hit us close to home, if the family of the lost would stand “ Timothy Longbottom” A brunette boy the next table over stands up looking solemn. “Ernest and Miriam Bones” Three students stand in the Hufflepuff section An older boy and two younger girls. The youngest girl is crying. “ “Marcus Shacklebolt” A ravenclaw boy stands. “Donnovan Corcoran” An older and younger woman stand at the teacher’s table.

“Our hearts go out to each and every one of you and we assure you that you are safe and welcome here at hogwarts” The families of the victims sit again. “The school year will continue on as normal. Quidditch tryouts are tomorrow at 7:30. See your team leaders if you have questions. That would be James Potter for Gryffindor, they are in need of a chaser. Amos Diggory for Hufflepuff they need a keeper and two beaters. Kingsley Shacklebolt for Ravenclaw they are in need of a seeker. Alexander Wilkes for Slytherin they need a seeker and a beater.

Schedule changes will only be allowed within the first month of the term so please do make up your minds until then. Third through seventh years, the first hogsmeade trip will be on the fourteenth. Harris has asked me to remind you that the Dark Forrest is off limits to all students. I would also like to remind students that unauthorized use of the potions lab is strictly prohibited. We don’t want a repeat of last year. James, Sirius, and Peter go crimson and Remus stifles a laugh.

Professor Marzana is holding a self defense club to meet at two o’clock on Saturdays. Please see her if you are interested. Lastly two reminders There will be no spellcasting in the hallways and curfew is from 9pm to 6am. During that time you are restricted to your dorms and common rooms. That is all I hope that each and every one of you have a wonderful start to the term. There’s a small round of applause before the first years are released to the dorms.

We linger at the table the mood dampened by the sad news. “The Bones were so terribly sweet, do you think Edgar has guardianship of Amelia and Becca?” Mary asks her voice concerned “Yes he does my mum and Peter’s have been sending meals all August.” James replies. “I won’t be able to look at my family knowing one of them probably had a hand in it. Andy and I seem to be the only sane ones.” Sirius says. I can’t tell if he’s more angry or sad. “

I think half the reason my Father moved us here is to join up.” I whisper Sirius gives me a knowing and sympathetic look. “Im worried for my parents the death toll for muggles is in the thousands at this point, they just don’t connect them. I can’t help but worry that I’ll get an owl from Tuney telling me that they’re dead.” Lily laments. My parent and my brothers are vocal about their disapproval. My brother Angus and his wife Elspeth have been receiving requests to join. They just keep ignoring them but..” her voice falters but we all know what she means.

“My Aunt was killed in a muggle attack nearly a year ago but my Mother still hardly leaves her room.” Alice admits choking up a bit. “My mother thinks they’re going to kill my father. She has nightmares every night. She doesn’t think we hear but we do. Tina slept in my bed all summer.A five year old shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like that. Dorcas’s affection for her little sister is clear. We shouldn’t have to worry about stuff like this either.” Remus says softy.

[creaturebehavior]

an observation i’ve made but haven’t put anywhere outside of my own brain yet although i articulated something similar recently and this thought was formed after that post was made

i used to watch stuff at a low volume so i wouldn’t get in trouble with my dad, and i carried this behavior into adulthood. i have tried to work on this to varying degrees

recently, i have been exhibiting this behavior a lot (cuz of the mental breakdown TM)

well i have noticed that at some point my motive shifted from “i don’t wanna get in trouble” to “i don’t want anyone to make fun of me” which is really interesting

so it seems to some capacity (definitely in part by cutting my dad out of my life) i have begun to heal that irrational fear of “getting in trouble trouble” and it had created space for this other fear that i’m sure has always been there but i wasn’t able to notice before with that other one feeling more pressing at the time

this is telling as well of where my head has been as i feel i’ve just become sentient after years of progressing bpd symptoms it finally dawned on me after that whole other story about getting the diagnosis, bitch i really do have full on and straight up bpd just like it says on my file like the fuq. feel like i had no idea cuz i had to come to understand myself and the diagnosis and digest it for like two years before i felt i could admit it made sense

and well i am just wrought with symptoms. a situation like this would pull anyone out of denial. yeah. i have the diagnosis. whoa. why am i crying lol. Not gonna do that rn lol stop right there 👁️💧🛑 ✋

The main reason i had a mental breakdown was bpd. constant shame and insecurity made me go insane. i became something that wasn’t even a person. plus the related ptsd and the unrelated ptsd, the untreated executive dysfunction and possible autism? Plus being newly sober and putting pressures on myself i had never experienced before. and the ocd and ed did not help. i went insane. like i’m already insane and then i went insane.

i got burnt out and i had to retreat from the world because i don’t know how to remain myself around other people. it made me sick. i morphed into who i thought they wanted me to be and i looked the devil right in the face every day. it made me insane.

all because i don’t want anyone to laugh at me.

and so still i struggle especially lately to do perfectly normal human stuff like watching something at a volume i don’t have to strain to hear

[iceyrukia]

liberal feminists be like: oh there’s rampant pedophilia, incest, misogyny, sexual abuse, rape, racism, human trafficking in the porn industry? really? well I’ll be dammed that sucks :( I didn’t notice even though I go to these sites and see videos titled: “ TINY ASIAN ( BARELEY LEGAL ;) ) TEEN SLUT GETS HUMILIATED BY STEP-FATHERS BIG WHITE COCK”. and the suggested video with a thumbnail showing a prepubescent girl-oh I mean women (I’m sure it’s a women people wouldn’t post a lil girl right??) in pigtails sitting in a pink bedroom filled with children’s toys looking innocently up at the camera isn’t wierd. yes that might be a kid but let’s not assume the worst that’s just a women that likes pigtails, and toys so don’t assume ok. also ur a weirdo for thinking that way actually ur the pedophile for pointing it’s out me thinks 😕. oh I forgot we were talking about those aesthetics in the context of porn. hmmm well idk what if a women likes it so stop 🛑 with all the infantilism #supportallwomen. and no let’s not question why any man would to fuck a women that resembles a child. as long as it’s not a lil girl it’s not actual pedophilia it’s just a kink u judgey prude. plus those aren’t the norm in porn what kind of videos are you watching LoL I only 🤥 watch every other video that casually uses the words “ bitch/whore/slut/ cum dumpster” as replacement for the word women tho HAHAHA just normal kink stuff ya know and stop slut shaming me becuz it’s not misogynistic since I’ve reclaimed the words slut and bitch 😤 like I’m so cunty 🥵 for that ughhh it’s just #badbitch things you wouldn’t get it 🤪. no you don’t get it by calling myself a slut it cancels out the history of the word and I’m sure the men watching these videos don’t associate sex as an act of hate towards women. constantly jacking off to “ slut devours my dick” only rewires men’s brains to see women as human being even more. oh tbh I only watch feminist lesbian porn because I support women😏. uuummm no it doesn’t mimics the dynamics of straight misogynistic porn and doesn’t cater to voyeurisric creepy men what are you taking about??? shut up stop trying to ruin everything. gurl alllsooooooo gay porn exists so much idk why you’re trying to claim all porn is bad. this is NOT comparable in any way to men saying that women should stop taking about rape because men can also be raped ok because uhhh porn makes me horny and that’s all that matters so there #notallporn. ✊WeLL Anywayzz like I was sayin uh damn 😔 I hope all the human trafficking and rape stops. I hope all of that junk * motions vaguely* gets regulated soon in order to soothe my guilty conscio- I mean for the safety of all those women getting abused. wait ur saying that it should be our priority as feminists to stop this??? nahhhh I think the men running these sites making profit out of actual rape videos have our best interests in mind they’ll come around! also what if all the good ethical porn by the totally consenting sex workers gets deleted as collateral damage for going after these companies. Ur so insensitive and short sited god 😬 im sure the millions of porn videos out there will be screened and regulated don’t worry!! even if a women is traumatized by her rape video floating around it doesn’t take precedent over the other good videos ur being unfair. like I freakin said #notallporn. oh you can never really tell whether porn is consensual????? well, YOU can’t tell that it isn’t so there 🤷‍♀️# unoreversecard # checkmate. ur just being a negative nancy 🙄 anyways until that time comes when the porn industry magically regulates itself I’m still gonna watch porn sooo yea- oh now wut do you have to say? hmmm? the existence of pornography and my bdsm kink are all due to living under a misogynistic patriarchal society?? Impossible!!! how can it be bad if it makes me feel good 😂 that’s stupid af. socialization? oh I’m immune to that because I’m a strong independent smart women stop patronizing me. it’s makes me feel good to wank off to porn so it can’t be bad how many times do I have to tell you????

[slyshyfoxy]

Hello o diary,

Today was actually a great day with my family, we ate hotpot and played some games together. But I dk why I still feel lonely in my heart sometimes, like especially like super lonely sometimes, like idk how to say but it’s like I’m not happy 🙂. Yes I’m okay with being myself but I also wish I could have someone I like or anything but not being able to be attracted to anyone right now is really another thing tooZ

Idk how to say but I just feel sad too, like I can’t seem to connect with new friends that I’m invited to in the group as I feel like things are just gonna repeat again and they gonna leave and nothing stays like even if like dating someone else too, like all is just temporary and studying does gives me a sense of purpose but it doesn’t feed my sanity to be honest.

Like I still feel bumped out like I also want to have friends that I can connect to and have someone I eye on that I like too, but I just can’t seems to connect to anyone right now and it sucks like feels very alone that kind of feeling, and just it sucks, and god is quite unfair in a sense that I always got my heart broken 😞 and I just don’t like it anymore and I can’t do it anymore sometimes like I just feel sad.

Maybe it’ll just be temporary feeling but still this just really make me feel bumped out, I wish I can new friends that I can talk to and we click like on the things we want to do and I wish I can stop 🛑 feeling so upset by it like having no fun and life is just really boring idk how to say but I think I’ll have to change my mindset of like to have fun again and to be happy again….

Fuck it bah whatever fuck it seriously, I’m not gonna open up emotionally anymore fuck everyone ! Dc live life happy by myself can alr

7 july 2021

[shxyo-sho]

haha me wanting to write for genshin? It’s more likely than you think 😋