#I’m gonna start taking vitamins again since it’s probably a deficiency | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

artcalledmusica · 2 years

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SayI0 in a left hand So Mr or Mrs Marilyn Manson Scribed with marker On his left hand Say i zero Say off on Say binary Say 10 Say 1 win 0 lost (at a fence)revisit With no comments left after marking Should I understand you’re Satan Opps I mean say ten, I’ve read a book your clever ways, not a one album for promoting any thing to LIFE meaning Living infinitely forever energy But like in astrological class you fucked it up backwards my dear I always see you supposed to play Topeka in after Of Jim Rose Circus just before NIN, I would see in Koln, you cancelled show in just north Amsterdam, you had ticket title & didn’t show Soulfly played during people with kool aid colour hair, catch you later at Denver with Black Sabbath during an Ozzfest Then the pale in Tulsa Also numerology and other varieties and various thangs & things You need an oxygen tank Quick supply Don’t hyper explode I’ve seen your arteries Cloggy Like shoe Bill bird from Congo Deepest river Check out the fish with one lung Slithering throughout mud talk Same ol mm face and theme but really WB opps BW, video is on YouTube I’m sure we see the same things Look it up Get back to me Get passed get pissed by me Write some unlike all your others Something Markle Sparkle ❇️ I prefer a • Non columned don’t get offended Marilyn You are contracted or want more I understand.....court battles I’ve been through some I always tell people if it comes up it dinner conversation sorts of speak I’m a fan Just like NIN, RHCP, RATM, Korn, The Prodigy, Tool, TwentyOnePilots, Tantric, GodSmack, SteveMillerBand, SteelyDan, Mudvayne, TheDoors, CrazyAnglos, AlanisMorisette, FleetwoodMac, FooFighters, UltraSpank, RobZombie, ElleKing You’re landed in there dear mm space man make up, but take Vitamin D, paint up ghostly give your skin what it needs at least, better ten - twenty minutes in Sun, gains of serotonin also Zinc for infections and rashes but also piercings only provides more for a tattoo work B-12 conversion food energy Magnesium muscle & bone strength Folic Acid folate deficiency Vitamin C the only candy allowed in basic, immune health protect self from free radicals An Emergency packet every two to four days Make the body need Before just wasting a bunch of money on swallowing bunches everyday Now I’m for free Speaking giving away my regimen to a President and Marilyn Manson and I’m sure many others (Trump stole my regimen, after hotel sweep but missed my added others during last few years, a different story but heard the later during covid newscast when he caught his bug gathered from overseas to America from a Lab) Lest Not Forget, covid casualty numbers & Capitol Assault don’t miss a yearly $750 in taxes also MMYBSDROW For Marilyn Manson And free info for Our President 0945,02032023 23zero60 My Dear Sir Commander in Chief My sin sear dark twisted theological brain focus videos on you tube no growing or learning from Come down sit in mud Get new manager found from Interview Speak again On marketed marker-Ed now hand I m calling you out I started this around say Say Say Say Say Say 0830 even with feeding birds with two cigarette breaks Say Posthumous Posthumously Stay safe find oxygen It’s needed for fire The Antichrist Super Star ss Stud For Hate Well I’m love and light Wanna fight Just tossed an extra lung in to your COurt Co body Fuckin’ jester painted up for a 5min interview I probably paid your ride for Uber Psych I haven’t purchased since Killing Strangers It was cool hearing it in John Wick Candle blown Out But psyched again did you input to JW4 Are you gonna watch it Do you only watch for your song? Or inter tamed while watching others? When you didn’t have the money to entertain a new movie? What did you do? What you doing now? Marilyn Manson left hand black markered marketed a writing? Love or Hate You calling’ I’m calling you out! From MarkMartinez why bullshit Dr O World WordsbyMM It’s been my hashtag It’s now 10:06 I’ll post after cig Back now 10:21 For a post

;) for a rant sorry brother! Ouch

My point you are better than the two named above,

There’s a guy I think of!

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stevesharrlngtons · 4 years

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pin prick and needle sticks.

roman godfrey x reader

summary: your solution for roman’s feeding problem is met with some resistance.

word count: 3.9k

a/n: ya im having so much fun writing again so hopefully there will be more! i hope you enjoy and if you do, pls give me some feedback (-:

also this is a repost bc this wasn’t showing up in tags

When you strode into Dr. Pryce’s office, he didn’t try to hide his surprise at your uncharacteristic appearance.

“Ms. (Y/L/N)! This is surely an unexpected visit.” Pryce pushed out of his desk chair to meet you in the middle of the large glass room.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” You say politely as Johann takes the coat that’s folded over your arm.

“No, not presently. I was just about to wrap up some paperwork and go to lunch.”

“Well, I won’t keep you long. I am hoping my question has a simple enough answer.” You say as you take a seat in one of the visitors chairs across from his desk.

“So, you are looking for my expertise on a matter?” Pryce asks, taking his own seat now.

“Yes, and maybe a small favor depending on your answer.” You smile, trying to seem as sweet as possible.

You knew Johann was asked for wild favors and cover ups where the Godfrey family was concerned constantly, almost on the daily. You wanted him to be receptive to your idea and not shoot you down before he heard your pitch.

Pryce was tolerant of your presence and occasionally even fond of your acquaintance when Roman needed him for something or another. You were very bright and amiable company.

He sighs deeply, already seeming resistant, “Is this a Roman related favor?”

“Yes, but not in the way you think. It’s more like a gift I need your help in giving.”

Johann looked extremely perplexed as he placed his laced fingers on his desktop, “Now I am very intrigued. Please, proceed,”

“You are aware that Roman has been having some trouble sourcing food. Right?” You try to say everything as delicately as possible, even though you knew Pryce knew about Roman’s situation in full. Probably even more than you knew.

“Yes, I am. Unfortunately Olivia forbids me to speak with him on the matter before she does, and she refuses to do so until Roman goes to her for help.”

“Withholding access to food, sounds like an award winning mother if you ask me.”

Johann chuckles, “Yes, Olivia is nothing but selfless.”

“Selfless and maternal.”

Pryce laughs again before he asks you what is the nature of your visit in relation to Roman and his upirism.

“Like all things in Roman’s life that are broken, I have found the solution to fix them. In this case, I have decided that I will take my blood and give it to him. As much as I can give, so he will never have to worry about where to feed again.” You said this with a self assured expression, elated that you had come up with a way to help your love.

The true extent of Roman’s feeding problem had become apparent one night while you were making love.

Roman sat on his knees, your legs around his waist while he pressed his hips deliciously into yours. He had set a gentle rhythm of thrusts, ones that were illicting your mewls and calls of his name from your lips. While you were reveling in your pleasure, Roman was trembling. Desire filming his eyes as they transfixed on your jugular. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the faint thrum in your neck, your voice becoming hazy and distant as his mouth watered at the sight of your craned neck below him. It wasn’t until you grabbed his cheeks that he snapped from his thirsty stupor.

Roman tumbled off your naked form to the floor of the bedroom unceremoniously, skirting away from you until his back reached the wall, the farthest wall from the bed. You had sat up, not bothering to cover yourself as you stared at your crumpled boyfriend, who shook and stammered under his breath.

“I can’t, OK? We can’t! Not until I feed again. I don’t think I can control it- I can’t control myself.”

“Baby, it’s going to be fine. I know you would never hurt me,” You push away the remains of crumpled sheets and begin toward him, but Roman flinches aggressively.

“I can’t help it, no matter how much I don’t want too, I will. I would kill you just for a taste and I would hate myself forever.”

You wanted to offer yourself up on a silver platter then and there. Ask him to drink from you because even if he doubted his control, you knew he would stop feeding before you were in any semblance of danger. You just wanted to make him feel better, in any way you could. But, as Roman wove his hands into his hair and tugged ruthlessly at the roots, it was clear that this wasn’t going to become an argument, or even a conversation. Roman left the bedroom soon after, muttering something about the refrigerator and leeches, while you watched him leave with an ache in your chest.

You had been trying to figure out the best possible solution to Roman’s problem since. After contemplating many different avenues, you concluded that you weren’t a bank robber (even if it was just a blood bank) and hiring someone from Craigslist seemed too risky (and too weird). So, you had fallen back on your original idea from that night: Roman would drink from you.

“To be clear, you want to extract your own blood and stockpile it for Roman?”

“Exactly. I just need to know how to do it and how much I can give per week without dying of iron deficiency or something.” You nonchalantly reply.

“This is very noble of you to do, (Y/N).”

You wave a dismissive hand at his compliment, “I just want to help him in the best way I can. It’s what you do for the people you love.”

Pryce stares at you for a moment, and begins to wonder how Roman attracted you in the first place? He was sure it was the young man’s killer good looks and the charm he held with the opposite sex that first caught your attention, but you were a smart girl. You wouldn’t fall for him simply because he was a blueprint for a Greek statue or threw a few saccharine words your way. He wondered if Roman was warm and adoring? Sweet and loving and soft when he was only in your company? From what Pryce had seen first hand, Roman was kind and gentle when you were around, but only ever to you. The second Roman laid his eyes back on Pryce or anyone else for that matter, he was back to an angry frothing terror to anyone in his path.

“When giving blood for say, The Red Cross, they take about a liter of your blood which is around 15 fluid ounce. You shouldn’t give more than that a mouth, but I could give you a few supplements that could help replenish your red blood cells at a slightly quicker rate so you would be able to give blood once a week.

“You would likely need to take breaks, possibly a month on and a month off? To make sure that giving blood this frequently wouldn’t take any serious toll, or have any significant side effects on the body.” Pryce explains.

“And these supplements won’t do anything weird to me if I take them?” You trusted Pryce, but only minutely. While you felt cordial with him, you still knew to be weary of his experiments.

“No, of course not. They are all over the counter supplements and vitamins that you can buy on your own accord. I would just tell you how, when and the quantity to take.”

You sighed at his answer and laughed lightly, “So it’s all good? We could do it?”

“I don’t see why not. I could send a tech to your home to administer the IV, and possibly if this method of feeding works out for Roman long term, you could learn to insert it yourself.”

“Am I going to have like, crazy puncture marks? Am I gonna look like a junkie?” You asked, the vanity of this whole thing only now coming to your mind.

“Unfortunately, there will be noticeable marks and possible bruises from repeated insertions. I could work on something to heal your puncture marks, as I said, if this becomes a main source of Roman’s feeding.”

You nod, mulling over the information for a moment.

“When could we start?”

Telling Roman about the whole thing never even crossed your mind. To you, this was a gift that you were going to give to him, and you loved the element of surprise. It was strange, sure, but to you, this idea of yours felt totally romantic. Some women gave their boyfriends watches, or flat screen TV’s, or let them put in their ass on their birthdays; but for your boyfriend? The man who had every material object he desired and every sexual need quenched? Your blood was a perfect way to show him you cared.

You didn’t want Roman to get just one bag for the first time you presented him with the blood, so you waited four long weeks to create your mini arsenal for him. You just took to wearing long sleeves around the house and silk robes right before bed to hide the little marks on your arms. Roman, still not at his most observant from his lack of feedings, didn’t even bat an eye at your clothing choices.

After your final session with one of Pryce’s tech’s in your home, you felt giddy. You had been keeping the blood in the outside fridge until you had the stockpile you desired, knowing Roman never checked it’s contents. Tonight was the night you were finally going to give them to him.

After Pryce’s man left, you placed your newest bag in the refrigerator and went back inside to change into something far more alluring than the sweatpants you adorned currently. This was going to be a special night for your man and you wanted to pull out all the stops. You had already directed Conway and Anna to make a four course feast for the two of you before you would bring out Roman’s surprise.

After changing into the tightly fitted black dress you had picked out a few weeks ago, along with Roman’s favorite silk lingerie set, you went back downstairs to continue to set the scene for Roman when he returned from work. You scattered candles around the room and played an old jazz record to soothe any worry or anxiety from your boyfriend once he entered your shared home. You wanted everything to be perfect, he deserved it.

As you finished and Anna and Conway were wrapping up the meal, you heard someone placing a key in the front door. You turned to see Roman’s tall silhouette through the frosted glass and you couldn’t keep the smile off your lips.

When he walked through the door, he looked exhausted. His eyes were haloed in shadows and he was gaunt, his pale skin pasty and dull. He looked about ready to collapse.

Until he saw you.

“Welcome home.” You said, a wide grin on your features.

“What’s all this?” Roman asked as you met him by the door.

“I know how stressed you’ve been and I wanted to set up a nice evening for the two of us.” You replied as you pushed his coat off his shoulders and held out for Conway to take.

Roman glanced over your shoulder to see the extent of the fuss you had made for him and his shoulders visibly relaxed, “You’re amazing.”

You took both his hands and started to walk back toward the table, “That I am, and I have a little surprise for you after dinner.”

Roman tugs you to him suddenly, causing you to stumble a bit in your heels, but that only accomplished to bring you flush to him.

“Is my surprise under this sexy little get up of yours?” Roman’s eyes twinkle with lust as he moves his hands down to grip your ass.

You hum with delight, “I guess you have two surprises coming, then.”

You lean up to place a lingering kiss to his lips and Roman groans a curse as you step away from his hold.

“But for now, let’s eat and unwind. How was your day?” You ask, pulling out Roman’s chair for him.

“Better now.” He grinned, one that was without smare or ulterior motive. Just a pure smile radiating happiness.

After you chatted about your days and Roman having bitched about work to his heart’s content, you both finished the delicious dinner that was prepared for you. You had moved across the table to sit on his lap while you both shared a chocolate mousse, the gentle ping of the silver spoon against the serving glass lulling you both into calm relaxation and sloth as you ate the rich dessert.

Roman’s temple was pressed against your exposed cleavage, practically purring with the bliss he felt.

“Thank you for tonight, baby. I needed it.” He sighed, turning his head just enough to let you kiss his lips.

“Of course, my love.” You responded, stroking your hand through his hair, “I’d pluck the stars from the sky if it’d make you happy.”

“Hey,” Roman smiles, poking your side, “That’s my line.”

You giggle as Roman prodes you, “Well, while I’m taking your lines, let me take another. I got you something and I need to go and get it.”

“You know I don’t need anything.” Roman says, squeezing you once more before you got off his lap.

“This present is something you need, trust me.” You say over your shoulder as you exit the kitchen and enter the garage to get the gift box you had prepared.

Was this all very dramatic? Yes. Over the top? Of course.

But you loved pampering Roman, so you threw all cares to the wind.

As you entered the kitchen with the rectangular black gift box held together with a silk ribbon, Roman looked at you confused.

“Jeez, what is that? Is my mother’s head in there?” He asked as he watched you place the box on the dining table.

“I wish.” You chuckled, dusting your hands off on your dress as you looked into Roman’s puzzled expression, “Open it.”

Unable to even guess what could be in the box, Roman stood up and walked toward you and where it lay.

“It’s not gonna be anything that’s gonna pop out at me, right?”

“Oh my God, stop being such a bitch and open it already!” You laugh, nudging him with your shoulder as you quaked with excitement.

Roman finally pulled on the black ribbon and slowly untied it, causing the sides of the box to fall apart and reveal it’s contents.

“Surprise!” You said, jumping slightly in place, barely able to keep your excitement to yourself as Roman took in the gift.

He just looked at the blood blankly, all placed in a row before him. His mouth hung open, but he said nothing.

“How did you get this?”

“Well, that’s the extra special part. It’s mine,” You gestured to the blood, “It’s all from me.”

Roman looked up at you, and the appreciation you’d thought you’d see written all over his face wasn’t there. Instead his face was red with anger.

“How could you do this? How could you be so reckless!” Roman raged.

Your heart sank with embarrassment and grief.

“I thought you’d like it.”

“Like it? Baby, why would I like you taking your blood to give to me? Do you know how dangerous this is? Do you!” You cowered under his voice, lip quivering.

“I thought you would be happy, I thought I was helping. Now you don’t have to worry about feeding or hurting anyone. I can just give blood every now and then and give it to you.” You responded, trying desperately to mend the evening.

“How did you even do this? How did you figure this out?” Roman picked up one of the bags and furiously tossed it back down.

You furrowed your brows and took a step toward your boyfriend, “OK, so don’t get mad- well, don’t get more mad I guess… but I asked Pryce-”

“You asked Pryce?” Roman shrieked, his eyes bulging from his head.

“Yes! But it wasn’t his idea, it was mine. The whole thing was my idea and all he did was help me and make sure I was safe.” You said quickly as Roman paced the length of the table in front of you.

“I’m going to kill him. I’m going to kill that stupid little prick and rip his cock off and shove it down his throat!” Roman bellowed.

“Ro, it’s not his fault,”

“It is! He let you do this! Indulged you! He fucking put a needle in your arm and touched you!” It was then that Roman finally zeroed in on the small circular band aid on the inner crook of your elbow and his face passed its red hue into bright crimson.

“Pryce never touched me! He had a lab tech help me.”

“Then I’m killing the tech, then Pryce, then everyone in that fucking nut house of a lab who knew this was happening and didn’t tell me!”

“Stop!” You shouted over Roman’s angry rant, “Enough! This wasn’t anyone’s fault but my own, apparently. I fucked up, I can see that now. But I honestly and truly thought you would love this. That you could be satiated from my blood and never worry about where the next source would come from. But hey? Guess I was wrong.”

Tears threatened to spill from your eyes as you turned on your heel to leave.

“(Y/N),” Roman called after you but you stuck up your hand to silence him.

“No, I just want to go to sleep. I’ll see you in bed.” And you walked up the stairs to leave your boyfriend stewing in his own ire.

Stripped from your dress and lingerie, you lay under the thick covers of the bed and mindlessly watch some old re-run of a sitcom. It had been well over an hour since you had left Roman in the kitchen and each second he stayed away was another second of heartbreak and humiliation. You still weren’t sure why Roman had blown up the way he did… sure it was risky, but nothing that you couldn’t handle. You were a grown fucking woman who knew her own limits. You had picked up the supplements Pryce had prescribed you and you had been feeling perfectly fine. If you ever started to feel any effects, you knew you would head straight to Pryce or your primary doctor.

As another commercial break washed over the screen, Roman opened the door to the bedroom and peeked his head inside.

“You OK?”

“No.”

Roman sighed as he came fully into the room and shut the door behind himself, leaning against it.

“Listen, I’m sorry about the scene down there…”

“I’m sorry, too. I should have asked you first if you would have been OK with me doing this for you.” You slumped your shoulder into the mattress.

Roman just watched you.

“I just… Roman, I really thought you would like it! I thought you might even be grateful. I really meant what I said downstairs, I would give you a star if that would make you happy, I really would. And I thought helping solve your feeding problem would make you happy, and it didn’t, so I’m sorry.”

Still Roman stayed silent, just studying you, wrapped in a coil of thick blankets. He soon walked toward the bed and sat on the corner, his back facing you. He hunched over and placed his head in his hands, gently shook it side to side.

“I was never really even that mad at you, baby. Just at Pryce, I guess. And scared…”

“Scared about what?”

“Seriously? You’re going to ask that?” Roman glowered.

You kicked your foot out to the edge he was sitting on to jostle him, “Don’t be an asshole.”

He grumbled something under his breath that you sure was unkind before he continued.

“I was obviously fucking scared because this could go wrong, alright? You could get sick or stop clotting or something! I don’t know. I don’t have to be rational when it comes to your safety and health.”

You rolled your eyes at that comment, “I thought I was being rational coming up with this idea, Roman. In my head, this would solve everything. No more leeches or starving or worrying that you’ll kill someone when it gets too much!”

Roman looked back at you, his eyes intense as your cheeks heated with your outburst.

“I just-! Fuck,” He turned back around, bouncing his knee, “I don’t want you to do this for me and something bad happening. That’s it, that’s all.”

You frown and whisper his name, just loud enough for him to hear.

“And because you went to Pryce and not me… and that no one at my own fucking company told me about this. Fucking traitors.”

You shuffled your way out from the blankets and crawled your way toward Roman, placing a gentle hand to his shoulder to gage his reaction before you moved to hug him.

“I’m not going to get hurt, I promise. Pryce told me where to buy some vitamins to keep me healthy and they have been working. I won’t continue if I start to feel sick. And if by some chance I do, you will be the first person I tell.”

Roman says nothing at first, but you knew he heard you. You placed a few simple kisses to his shoulder and wound your arms tighter around his waist, snuggling to him.

“I want to know the second you start to feel anything less than fantastic, OK? If you feel faint or nauseous or even if you have a fucking headache, alright? I’m not fucking around here.” He replied firmly.

A smile spread across your face and you pressed it to his skin, “Of course, baby. No more secrets ever again.”

“Yeah, yeah…” Roman trailed off with a sigh, but leaning into your touch.

“You know,” You started, moving around his neck to see his face, “I thought the idea of you drinking my blood was very romantic. Maybe even erotic.”

Roman moved to give you a quizzical look and you only grinned wider.

“Something about giving myself to you fully, running through your veins, letting you have all of me, you don’t think that’s romantic?”

Roman’s lips began to pull into his signature smirk, “I think I was little more taken by your erotic comment.”

You giggled and playfully bit his shoulder, “I don’t know, I think about watching you drink it… about you covered in it and knowing it’s from me,”

Roman was quick to grab you and manhandle you around him and into his lap.

“Yeah?” He asked, smirk persistent as his hands explored your body.

“Yeah… knowing you drink my blood, my cum, that you’re the only one who knows my taste… it got me all hot, baby.”

Roman groaned deep in his chest as he dug his fingers into your hips, twitching his hips up against you and making your eyes flutter.

“My baby, my girl,” He hummed, leaning forward to ghost his lips over your own, “You drive me absolutely wild.”

“All better now?”

Roman just chuckles, grinding you down onto him.

“And you’ll drink the blood?”

“Yeah, fine,” And he finally kisses you.

You knew that he was playing it off now like it was nothing, but the honesty you had shown him, and the utter devotion you had just pledged, meant something to him. It meant everything to him.

i really hope you enjoyed!!!! if you do, i’d love to hear your thoughts (:

#roman godfrey x reader #roman godfrey imagine #roman godfrey imagines #roman godfrey reader insert #roman godfrey fanfic #roman godfrey fanfiction #hemlock grove fanfic #hemlock grove fanfiction #hemlock grove imagine #hemlock grove imagines #hemlock grove reader insert #bill skarsgård x reader #bill skarsgard x reader #bill skarsgard imagine #bill skarsgård imagine #stevesharrlngtonswrites

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danideservedbetter · 3 years

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Day 7, 8, 9, and 10 / Elaboration

Hey y’all! I said yesterday I would elaborate a little more on what my doctor’s visit yesterday told me, and here I am to do just that! I meant to yesterday, honestly, but by the time I got home my medicine had worn off and that wasn’t looking very likely 😅😅 But regardless!!! Here is what my results look like and honestly? These things probably have been affecting my sleeping disorder to a degree I’d previously disregarded without detailed info I’ve gotten from these tests.

Full write up under the cut!

—I got two major tests done, blood work and a genetics test. Back in my hometown the nurses couldn’t even figure out how to open the damn swab, but technology here managed to map out my entire DNA sequence which is utterly NUTS to me.

—My body is deficient in almost every important vitamin known to mankind, which makes sense because my diet is not… the best 😅 So, I started on several (SEVERAL) supplements to start out.

—I say start out because it’s very likely that I’ll be taking vitamin C and some liver enzyme through an IV once a month. A younger me might’ve thought something like this was scary, but at this point I’m so desperate to be healthy that getting nutrients drip fed into my system for them to work quicker sounds just fine to me.

—Other than that it’s normal lifestyle stuff. Eat more fruits and vegetables (I’ve been eating olives by the can for like days and I intend to buy fresh fruit packets for breakfast whenever I can afford them) as well as staying more active— which I DEFINITELY have been since I moved closer to New Orleans, in Louisiana proper where my dad lives.

But enough of the boring medicinal stuff. I’m sure you guys are much more interested in the whys— is there a reason my hypersomnia is so bad? Is there a deeper explanation than “lack of vitamins bad and you should feel bad”?

Well, yeah. YES. The genetics test revealed a metric fuckton to say the least 😂😂😂 but the most important was what kinds of diseases I’m predisposed to or how my body can process certain types of hormones/enzymes/proteins. Things like why caffeine won’t work for me (my body processes it very fast but not very thoroughly) or my metabolism being the strongest recorded genotype (which is why it’s been so hard to gain weight). Below, I’ll go into detail about stuff my new general doctor’s in-office geneticist (I still can’t believe that’s a thing I’m typing) has revealed about my disorder.

Naturally, this is specific to me because of my parents and our family lines. Maybe if you see info pertinent to yourself, looking into genetic mapping may be a good idea for you?

We are pretty confident that I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. The reason for this is that a tiny link has been found between individuals who contracted mononucleosis in their childhood and adolescence and individuals who fell within the sleep cycles indicating IH. Now, IH will be genetic sometimes, but considering I’ve tracked my disorder to starting around 14, the same year I contracted Mono, the coincidence definitely doesn’t seem like… well, a coincidence. My blood test shows that I do in fact have the antibodies in my system, and they’re doing something… odd.

The geneticist found some “active” antibodies. Well, not some, really 😅 Basically, she’s surmised that these antibodies have a hair-trigger response and can react to any given environmental factor (stress, hunger, etc.) to the point where they activate as if they think they’re **fighting off a virus that’s been out of my system for ten years.** Of course this takes up an inordinate amount of energy, which is her hypothesis as to why my hypersomnia is so random and varies in intensity. The goal for this summer is flushing these antibodies out of my system.

My previous neurologist tried out a couple stimulants and then shit insurance prevented me from trying any others. So I’m stuck on something traditionally prescribed for adhd. A narcotic. *However* since my body is severely dysfunctional in general, the way I describe it is I basically have to induce a high to stay awake and function normally. We want to eventually get me off of these kinds of drugs, of course, since prolonged exposure weakens their effects and they’re highly addictive.

Another in credibly interesting thing we found is that I'm lacking in three major hormones. However, it's not because I don't produce them. I've never identified with symptoms of depression (anxiety, certainly, but not depression) yet for most of my life my childhood general practitioner insisted I had it. Well, the geneticist found that while I'm lacking in serotonin, dopamine, and melatonin, which yes are the two major mood enhancers and then the hormone that induces sleep, it's not because I can't produce them. It's because my neural transmitters are so damaged from a less-than-good diet and years of exhaustion that they simply can't process them. Just as the antibodies can have a hair-trigger response to environmental factors, so too can these processors. Simple things like a good meal, my high from my stimulants, or even micro dopamine shots from getting things done can activate the transmitters. Another thing on the docket for the summer is fixing these permanently with treatments of vitamins and supplements.

My stimulants have caused appetite issues, unfortunately, and that plus Covid at the beginning of this year caused me to get down to my lowest recorded weight ever, 94 pounds, which I haven't weighed since before I hit my final growth spurt way back in middle school. My dad does physical labor (he's a contractor who frames houses in the humid heat of the Deep South lol) so he's used to feeling tired. When he caught Covid, he said that he'd never felt as tired, drained, or out of it in his entire life. He never gets sick and hardly goes to the doctor and NEVER takes off work because of health, but in his last few weeks before full recovery he had to take off early multiple times. He was floored when he described the brain fog and exhaustion and I told him that I had no idea I even had Covid, because I just thought it was my disorder acting up. It was only when my grandmother started feeling tired that we got tested and we tested positive.

All that said, we think that there's hope for a future for me. She said that while there's no cure for IH, the cause that I have may can be mitigated by changes in exercise, diet, routine, and medication,to the point where I may mitigate symptoms of my disorder entirely. I'm still setting up appointments with a new neurologist here in the city, though, because technology is of course more advanced here.

And again, taking all of this into consideration, while it was looking likelier by the day, we've both agreed that I'll be here in the city 'til New Years. Which means no school this semester, but if I can go back in spring at more than 20% functionality and maybe succeed, I'm perfectly fine having to remain on break.

However, another good update: I weigh 103 pounds! I'm steadily gaining weight-- which means the other medication, the one for my appetite, is working as it should and as long as I stay on-track I should reach my goal of 120 by the end of the year as well.

So, yeah! That's what it's looking like. I have another appointment to go more in depth with the results tomorrow, but for now I'm planning out my week since I decided to let myself rest all last week. I'd love to finish helping out for our current podfic, ACTUALLY start the damn 100 Theme Challenge (LOL), finish betaing something that's been on hold for months, properly reconnect with our discord, catch up on all the media I fell behind on, clean my damn room, and establish a budget for this week on what I can buy. A more specific plan for today will follow, but til then, I hope this gives everyone some insight on what I'm looking at and how I'm gonna try to fix it.

Xoxo

Dani

#idiopathic hypersomnia #TW: weight #TW: anxiety/depression mention #health post #genetics

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heesulovebot · 4 years

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wowow than-q dawy bb @itoldsunset for the tag! i love doing these 🥺🥺🥺(also ur right rina did deserve a grammy nom but they h8 woc wbk😤)

1. What is the color of your hairbrush? black.

2. Name a food you never eat. i mean i pretty much eat all kinds of food but there’s a lot of things i don’t eat often. if i’m being really picky i’d say i never eat soups but i literally love pho and seaweed soup so idk 🤷‍♀️ 3. Are you typically too warm or too cold? too coooold 🥶 4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago? crying @ work. 5. What’s your favorite candy bar? kit-kat and aero bars were my shit as a kid but i also love any chocolate bar with hazelnuts.

6. Have you ever been to a professional sports game? uhhhh does figure skating count? 7. What is the last thing you said out loud? i yelled to myself in my room because i work remotely & work was being a lil bitch today.

8. What is your favourite ice cream? mint choco chip or the chocolate covered almond vanilla häagen-dazs 👌🏼 9. What was the last thing you had to drink? water. 10. Do you like your wallet? actually no!!! my fave wallet broke years ago but i was still using it even though it didn’t zip up and i was always dropping coins. and then my brother got me an expensive wallet when i moved back to van but it’s literally so ugly and i only use it because i h8 being wasteful 😤😩 11. What is the last thing you ate? cereal for lunch. i was lazy :((( 12. Did you buy any new clothes last weekend? no. i haven’t really left my house at all much the last few months, only for grocery shopping. 13. What’s the last sporting event you watched? again, figure skating? 14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn? i always ask for the cheddar or salt and vinegar seasoning. 15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to? the gc on kakao.

16. Ever been camping? like a handful of times in my life. as expected, i do not do well in the outdoors lol. 17. Do you take vitamins? i mean i should probably be taking them :((( she deficient lmao. 18. Do you regularly attend a place of worship? nope. 19. Do you have a tan? she pale af rn because of quarantine 😔 20. Do you prefer chinese or pizza? omg....... this is....... the hardest thing i’ve ever had to answer dkjfnkdjnfdk 21. Do you drink your soda through a straw? only if i’m given one. 22. What color socks do you usually wear? black. 23. Do you ever drive above the speed limit? when i do drive, yeah. i’m scared of going too fast 😩 24. What terrifies you? this is too deep, fam. 25. Look to your left, what do you see? my empty cereal bowl from lunch lol.

26. What chore do you hate most? floors!!! i’m weird i hate the simple tasks like i LOVE bleaching shit i will bleach my life away. 27. What do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? not as triggering as the british accent lmaooo australians r turnt. 28. What’s your favorite soda? i’m gonna sound so bougie but those italian san pellegrino sodas the aranciata (orange) is a classic but the aranciata rossa (blood orange) is soooooo goOd. 29. Do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? if i’m in a car i like to avoid ppl lol. 30. What’s your favorite number? i don’t have one. 31. Who’s the last person you talked to? my roommate when i came out of my room for lunch.

32. Favorite meat? like i love beef but go absolutely fERAL for a good pork belly (@dawy a woman of taste) 33. Last song you listened to? my wife’s new song (meg thee stallion - body)

34. Last book you read? i’m bi i don’t read 💩 35. Favorite day of the week? at the moment? none lmao. 36. Can you say the alphabet backwards? no. 37. How do you like your coffee? i don’t 😌 38. Favorite pair of shoes? i have these like white/green reebok aztreks and they’re srsly so comfy i wear them with everything. 39. Time you normally get up? i wake up at 8 for work. on the other two days i’m at school, i try to wake up early but that never happens and i always miss my first lecture and wake up at 1 lmao 😗✌🏼 40. What do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets because i can’t wake up early but also i prefer night time to morning. 41. How many blankets on your bed? gotta have my sheet, my comforter, and since it’s winter i pulled out the ethnic blanket for extra toasty~ 42. Describe your kitchen plates. random. they’re my roommate’s. 43. Describe your kitchen at the moment. there is absolutely NO counter space but also that’s probably because we have 2 rice cookers & i wouldn’t change it for anything RICE IS LYFE✌🏼

44. Do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? i’m basic so my go-to is gin and tonic. with lemon AND lime 😩👌🏼 45. Do you play cards? not like poker or anything but i play a mean speed and go fish lmao. 46. What color is your car? lol 47. Can you change a tire? wtf lol no don’t @ me i don’t have my full license yet u don’t need to drive in the city when the train is so much faster!!! 48. Your favorite state or province? west coast best coast 🤪 49. Favorite job you’ve had? tawan’s trophy wife. kidding. that’s not a job i do it for free ayeee 😌💅 uhhhhhh i literally h8 capitalism so UHM my inner socialist is telling me none but i miss my comrades co-workers at my old starbs job 😔✊🏼

tagging!🌈💕✨: jay @metawin, ayesha @gremlinmetawin, cass @wavelovespang, doreen @gunsatthaphan, rae @zaintseeme, dez @thehuns-bubble-tea, emily @seekingstarlightinthecity, cata @gigiesarocha, sam @khaotungthanawat, orthy @teepakornaekaranwong & anyone else who wants to can tag me!! (im starting to forget everyone’s @s because y’all change too damn much— nvm that i literally just changed mine lmao)

#tag game #ty dawy this was nice ;u;

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keylimepie · 7 years

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Year End Wrap Up.

So this year has been rough. I moved to a new state, got my own amazing place, did adult stuff like buy a couch from a store. Got in my first car accident by rear-ending homeland security of all people, totaled my car and had to get a new one which I very much enjoy. Had a relapse in my mental health due to the accident and am back on antidepressants. Had to go to physical therapy for my back but it is finally feeling good again (yoga is a miracle worker ya’ll). Went to my older sister’s wedding in Colorado, which was my first time out there and it is very beautiful.

New Stuff: Just got told I got the job I applied for back in June, comes with a boost in pay and benefits and it's 6 miles from my house (vs the 60 miles I commute right now). Extra bonus, the school has a deal with the city bus system so you can use your staff ID as a bus pass and the school pays all charges. So free transportation to work! And a bus right outside my house goes straight past my new job! I’m gonna save a shit ton on gas! I start at the end of January after they complete a background check (but since I have no sordid criminal past and did not lie on my resume/during the interview I’m not worried about passing.)

Almost done with grad school. This semester was REALLY rough but thank fuck it is over. I just have 2 electives and a thesis paper, then I am done. I am almost done the prep work for the thesis paper, I’ve written a rough draft of everything but results seeing as I haven’t done the measurements yet. I’m just beefing up my literature review right now and I’ll probably start gathering data Feb-April. Going to be a lot of work so I’m only taking one course during this. Going to finalize the paper during the summer and take my final course at the same time. Then I’ll have a MASTERS!!

I want to start drawing again. I sketched here and there this year but I honestly just did not have the energy for it with everything going on. I’ll probably start over the holiday because this past weekend I had so much free time I literally did not know what to do with myself. I ended up napping all weekend.

Finally I started taking a vitamin D supplement. OMFG I DIDN’T REALIZE IT WAS POSSIBLE TO FEEL THIS AWAKE!! Like I’m not even joking, I cannot remember ever feeling like this before. I’ve been complaining since I was a preteen that I was always exhausted. Like I’ve been in a constant state of extreme fatigue for 18 years. Everyone kept brushing me off saying it was part of being a teenager or I just needed to sleep more or I needed to exercise more, just excuse excuse excuse. I tried everything but nothing made it better, I eventually stopped complaining and accepted it as normal. I couldn’t even have coffee to wake myself up because large amounts of caffeine trigger panic attacks for me. But I read a Reddit post recently about the smallest thing you did that completely changed your life, and someone mentioned taking D3. And looking into Vitamin D deficiency was like reading my life summary, not to mention D3 is used to treat PCOS symptoms which I also discovered I have this year, so I said why the fuck not. The change was immediate, I’ve been taking it for 2 weeks now and I just cannot believe how much easier life is now that I’m fucking awake. I have a doctor’s appointment for something else on Friday so I’m going to talk to her about taking D3 long term.

So life has its ups and downs, but I’m pretty happy right now. I hope everyone else had an overall good year and isn’t struggling too much.

#personal key

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astral-writings · 7 years

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I Dunno, Pizza Rolls?

Prompt: Reader is a vampire/turning into one and they keep misidentifying the symptoms. Fandom: TVD Word count: 1,263 Tags: @cinnafullydelicious @blossombarnes @ex-bookjunky @aufangirl Note: I’ve actually wanted to do this for a while but I forgot about it haha. As always, I will be using female pronouns because it’s easiest for me, but you can substitute and exchange pronouns. This will also probably have a second part to it haha.

I started walking home, scratching my head a bit as I did so. Can people just black out for an entire night? Is that a thing? I dunno, all I remember is getting a bit dizzy, and having this massive headache. Next thing I know, I’m covered in kool-aid. I got out my phone and called my best friend. I was at his house last night, maybe he’ll know what the hell I did.

“Hey, Stefan, bro, what happened last night?” I asked when he picked up.

“Are you alright?” He questioned with a bit of urgency.

“What? Yeah, I’m fine, I can’t say the same for my shirt though.” I said.

“Are you sure? There’s no bites on you?” He questioned.

“Dude, I’m not that kinky. Are you alright?” I said, an eyebrow raising.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just a little worried.” He said.

“Why? Oh, hey, do you remember what happened last night? I think I blacked out, and I got my shirt covered in kool-aid or something.” I said.

“Uh, no, I don’t, sorry.” He said warily.

“Alright, no worries, talk to you later.” I said before hanging up.

Weird. Oh well, I probably just didn’t have enough sugar last night or something. The body does pretty weird stuff when it doesn’t get enough vitamins and shit. I read about this guy that killed his family in his sleep and ate them because he had a iron deficiency. So, I was probably like that, just less cannibalistic. I looked around, trying to figure out where I was. I think I might be downtown, weird. Maybe I wanted to go to a party?

Or maybe a kool-aid party. It sounds like something I’d do. Well, I guess that solves it. I blacked out and went to a kool-aid party. I mean, there’s really no other explanation here. I shrugged before walking out of the alley I was in. Huh, looks like it’s evening. I guess I went to a really wicked party. Awesome, I just wished I remembered it. Maybe I took some pictures of it on my phone.

It’s been a few days since I went to that awesome party, and didn’t take pictures. I haven’t been able to sleep, so I’ve just been watching Netflix all day. I just got done watching Stranger Things, and I’m hyped for the next season. I’ve also been really hungry, but I have no idea what for. I’ve been trying to find out what it is, and I think I’m close. Maybe I’m craving mini pizza bagels or something, I’ll have to go to the store later.

I heard a knock at my door, and I stopped by search for a new show to binge watch. I got up and walked to the door, maneuvering my way around the open windows. I looked through the peep hole, seeing that it was Stefan. Shouldn’t he be in class right now? Maybe my teenage delinquency is starting to rub off on him. Soon he’ll be throwing graffiti on subway walls and egging houses across the nation.

“Hey, come in.” I offered, standing behind the door.

“You alright?” He asked, stepping in.

“Yeah, why?” I asked, closing the door.

“You haven’t been to class in a few days.” He pointed out.

“Oh yeah, I got this crazy bad sunburn last time I went out.” I informed.

“Sunburn?” He questioned and I nodded.

“Yeah, I started sizzling like bacon, it was weird.” I said and his brows furrowed.

“Are you sure something’s not up?” He asked and I waved him off.

“Nah, I’m good, I think my skin just might be super sensitive.” I said.

“Here, I think I have something that might help.” He said, reaching in his pocket.

“Aw, cool, what is it? Spf 200 sunscreen?” I asked and he shook his head.

He pulled out a ring and gave it to me, was that supposed to help? I don’t know what that’s gonna do, but hey, if he thinks it’ll work. I took it from his hand, and examined it for a moment. It was a small, black metal ring with a red-ish gem in the center. Looks a little small for me, though; it’ll probably fit my pinky. Well, even if it doesn’t work, this thing looks pretty cool. Kinda looks like I’m on my way to Dracula’s wedding, and I’m the bride.

I looked back at Stefan, how was waiting expectantly. I put the ring on my right pinky, and it fit like a glove. I walked over to the window, sticking my hand in front of it, expecting my skin to burn again. Surprisingly, it didn’t, my skin remained unblemished. Wicked. I wonder why the ring worked, and not the sunscreen I have. I smiled and looked over at Stefan, who had a knowing look on his face.

“Awesome, why does it work, though?” I questioned, now stepping in front of the window.

“It has a spell on it.” He said instantly, and looked as if he had regretted it.

“Sweet, the ring looks cool AND has some wicked witchy spell on it? Jackpot, man.” I said, still smiling.

“Hey, I have to go do something, but I’ll talk to you later?” He asked and I nodded.

“Sure, see ya on the flip side.” I said before he left.

I stayed at the window for a few more moments, happy I could now freely walk around my house. So I guess that witchy stuff I always see in movies is real, awesome. Next thing you know, a werewolf will be bursting through my window, wanting to eat me. Speaking of eating things, I could really go for some steak right now. A nice big steak that’s a bit on the rare side, which is a bit weird ‘cause I don’t usually get my steaks like that.

Maybe I have an iron deficiency or something, maybe that’s why I would get that sunburn. It’s not like it’s going to kill me, so I don’t think I should worry about it too much. My phone played a weird tone, meaning that Jeremy had just texted me. Well, fortunately for him, I can actually come over now thanks to this handy dandy ring I have on. I wonder what the deal is with Stefan. He’s acting like he knows something I don’t.

I mean, he probably does, but that doesn’t mean he needs to be so cocky about it.

“Dude, I’ve been craving something so bad.” I said, splayed out on Jeremy’s bed.

“Like what?” He asked and I shrugged.

“That’s the problem, I don’t know. Maybe pizza rolls or mini pizza bagels?” I said.

“Hey, how come you didn’t come into the house until I invited you?” He questioned.

I was silent for a moment, and I lifted my head up from the edge of the bed to look at him. Why did I wait until I had been invited to come into his house? You know, I think I was just being polite. I grew up with manners, and they’re probably making a comeback. Why is this such an issue, anyway? It’s not like I’m some criminal. I squinted at him, and he simply raised his brows in response.

“It’s called being polite, Jeremy.” I retorted.

“Okay, okay, sorry I asked.” He said, raising his hands in defense.

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creativphan · 5 years

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Age of Miracles Chapter 6

summary: it's back to school season bitches, witches, and all of my switches. (watch these summaries fall apart with me lmao)

School started August 20th. We were eighth graders. For the first time in my life my mom was no longer a teacher at my school and wasn’t even awake for my first day. I got ready alone on a dark morning. People hugged a little bit tighter on the first day back. A girl named Meghan passed around birthday invitations and somehow invited me too. Teacher’s introduced new lesson plans that would accommodate The Slowing. We were going to learn about the science of growing food and the new greenhouses that were starting to pop up everywhere. We each took home a pack of seeds.

It was dark after school but Phil and I walked home. The party was the only thing on his mind as he walked, however. It was supposed to be a chill party, her parents were gonna be gone, and it was going to have high schoolers. He wouldn’t shut up about it next Friday.

I got home to find my mom active and moving around the house more than usual. She was doing an inventory of sorts on the first aid supplies under the stairs. She asked about school and gossiped about the teachers. It was weird having her gone from my school for once, she didn’t even know my science teacher who was new this year. I figured I should bring up the party but it never came out, instead, I smiled and nodded through her talking and tried to enjoy a rare moment of her being herself. I’m sure she noticed but she never showed it.

“I’m cooking dinner tonight!” She proudly exclaimed. “Does Phil wanna come over?”

I shook my head. He would be with Hannah tonight.

She smiled anyway.

“Would you prefer hamburgers or tacos tonight?”

I just went upstairs. My room was dark all the time. My blackout curtains just stayed closed. My laptop screen was dark from inactivity. The whole room was shadows. I sat on my bed. I felt the darkness creep up from the room and into me. I felt so incredibly alone. I had never had many friends but I had always had Sam, Killian, and mostly Phil. Slowly I was losing Phil to whatever he was trying to fulfill within himself. I would have taken being punched in my chest by him again over feeling this gut-wrenching loneliness. People always talked about the effects of The Slowing on the mind but they only ever talked about the physical deficiencies of Vitamin D or sleep but never on the darkness it crept in your mind and you wonder how long we could live like this.

I ate with my mom that night. Dad never came home. I got a text from Phil later that he was no longer a virgin. I sat on my bed until the sun rose at three in the morning. I started crying so hard I couldn’t breathe and decided I was never going to let myself be so alone again.

My mom had good days for those whole weeks. We bought a greenhouse of our own to build in the backyard so we could plant a few things for ourselves. She built it mostly alone with my dad stepping in occasionally when he wasn’t too tired. There was still no progress on the magic wheat. Our days were at 47 hours.

I always planned to mention the party. However, I couldn’t risk my parents being overprotective. It would just be easier to lie and say I’m going over to Phil’s. So I did and on the night of September first, I left saying I was going down the road to sleep over.

Phil thankfully walked into the party with me. He was right about it all. Despite the glitzy invitations handed out in classrooms, it was nothing like the parties I had been to. It made sense why I had been invited though because the entire house was filled with people. It was probably everyone Meghan had ever met. The whole house had music blasting through it and people chatting.

“Beer is in the kitchen!” Someone directed us that way.

A magical thing about The Slowing was the effect it had on the police force. White nights became high times for crime so cops began busting parties less and less to focus on the murders in break-ins over in the bad side of town.

Somehow a beer bottle ended up in my hand but when I look over Phil was gone. I started looking for him. The pretty-enough girl named Lauren who Phil had mentioned seemingly years ago that he was fond of came up to me all giggle.

“Hey, you’re Phil’s friend right?” She swayed a little bit as she talked. She was in the year above us and going to be a freshman. It was funny how she couldn’t keep her eyes straight.

“Yeah, I’m Dan” I tried to remember that I was here to have fun too but god where was Phil?

She started saying something but got distracted by a friend and ran away. People were everywhere and most of them sat at least 5 inches taller than me. It was almost funny how I came here to feel less alone and instead I had never felt lonelier in my life. I figured if I couldn’t find Phil I might as well find a bathroom to collect my thoughts in. The party mostly had high school rejects who figured any party could be lit if enough chill people showed so it was filled with Theater kids or B-Team soccer players. It wasn’t ideal but I asked one of the guys in a soccer shirt to point me to a bathroom and once I made it inside I locked the door. The music continued to pound through the door but the bathroom muffled the noise and left me alone inside of it while I looked in a mirror. Phil’s friend was my ride so I knew I would be stuck here until someone let me know that he was ready to go. I sat on the closed toilet lid with my head down waiting for some cue to let me know that things were going to be okay. It is funny how that works because suddenly a loud pounding on the door and a loud yet familiar voice hollered.

“Let me the fuck in”

It was from Phil. I stood up and opened the door. He was standing there looking pissed.

“God, don’t you have any fun? You wanted to come and then I find out you’re hiding in the bathroom?” He walked in and slammed the door behind himself. I stood there shocked.

“I didn’t realize you were babysitting me considering you left me at the door”

His eyes narrowed and he put his head down against the counter, his beer that was in his hand sat dangerously close to the edge of the sink.

“You don’t understand just get the fuck out and let me be,” He said as he turned to me.

I looked at him but something wasn’t right. He was mad but he wasn’t mad at me, or maybe he was so I just left him resting there.

I walked back into the party where girls sat up and down the stairs and tried to find another place that was quiet enough that I could be ignored. I eventually found a corner with a locked door that no one seemed to be trying to go in or out of so I settled in the corner. Time passed incredibly slowly and my phone battery died incredibly quickly. I waited around for something to happen yet again. This time Lauren came back up to me. Her hands were now just as shaky as her eyes but she could still talk fairly fine.

“Why are you here?” She asked. It seemed bold but I didn’t want to lie.

“I thought it could be fun. It’s not my scene though”

She seemed to think on that a little bit and then with a little bit of vigor she gained from nowhere she leaned over and kissed me. I pulled back.

“Oh my god was that your first kiss?” She asked with almost fear in her voice.

“Hell no” I responded and with the little bit of vigor I had been given I went back in. Later she left when a friend pulled her off of me and said her ride was here to take her home. I figured the same and realized it had been hours since I had seen Phil and I had a lot to tell him.

It was funny because the kissing itself wasn’t great but the excitement in being able to tell Phil what I did was so much better, hopefully, he would be proud. A part of me wished my first kiss was special, but it was The Slowing, special moments happened at weird times in weird ways.

After about fifteen minutes of searching the house, I realized I couldn’t find Phil. I figured he could have left without me so I started asking around if anyone had seen Hannah. People shrugged and said that they thought she had left hours ago. Somehow I made it back to the bathroom from earlier and lightly knocked on the door asking if Phil was inside.

“Yeah”

“Shit man, you good? We should probably go.” I told him from outside the door.

I heard the sink briefly run and the door clicks as it unlocked and I saw as the doorknob turned and revealed Phil behind it. His eyes were red and puffy and he looked like a disaster.

“What the hell happened to you? How much did you drink?” I didn’t care if I sounded like a scolding mother because he looked straight out of a movie about people drinking too much. He pressed his lips a little bit and started crying.

“I barely fucking drank. Hannah broke up with me okay? She said I’m too young and immature for her.” His beer bottle sat half empty in the same spot halfway into the sink he had left it in before, so I believed him.

“Let’s just get back to yours so we can get some sleep okay?” I reached on the inside of the bathroom to turn off the light.

“Oh shit shit shit shit!” He started panicking. “I told my mom that I was going to yours.” I paused. He looked down trying to figure out a plan.

“Can’t we just sneak back into your house? Your mom has been all sick anyway I doubt she’d hear us.”

I shook my head. “She’s been feeling good today”

We stood in the doorway trying to make a plan. It was 3 in the morning on a white night and we would certainly get caught trying to sneak into either of our houses. Eventually, we figured out that we left the McAnderson’s house unlocked and we could crash there. It would only be a twenty-minute walk or so and it was late enough that even in daylight we shouldn’t get caught. We headed out.

Once we made it inside their door, past the overgrown grasses and foliage, and once we double checked no one was inside, we strolled inside and made it into the couch so we could finally sit and talk things out.

Phil seemed blank like all life had been taken out of him, it was odd realizing that for once I was the one who had enjoyed myself and was not bumming us out.

“What happened?” I asked. I figured he needed to talk about it.

“She basically met me at the door. Told me that this was her friend’s party and I couldn’t ruin it by being immature and oh also we’re breaking up because you suck.” He seemed bitter more than anything else.

I tried to smile and listen but something was off, girls had broken up with him before but he had never cried about it.

“Why did this hit you so hard man? She’s just a bitch. Was it-” I paused “the sex?”

He sort of laughed it off but then looked away to not get tears caught in his eyes.

“I’ve been a terrible friend Dan. I haven’t told you everything” he stated.

“Sure”

“My parents are just about done, Dan. They want to file a divorce but they don’t like talking about it. Hannah has divorced parents and she was so chill about it, she made me feel like it would be okay. She was older and made me feel like I fit in. She got me out of my own head when I needed it the most. The funny thing is I don’t even think I liked her, she was just someone who could save me for a bit” He paused while I nodded.

“Do you think The Slowing has something to do with all of this?” I asked out of genuine curiosity. I was forming my own theories about the slowing and what it does to people. How darkness and dead birds decay our minds while we have to reach for some greater purpose about the planet.

“Definitely. Mom and Dad never argued before it. Plus it made me think about myself you know? Our own mortality. How we can’t run or hide and it has the power to control every aspect of us. I’m scared we won’t have food one day and I’m scared we won't have anything to do except stand still and let this world kill us in a cruel slow death. The Slowing has aged us, Dan, we aren’t kids. We’re useless but standing older. We’ve survived fewer days and fewer nights but we had to grow up.”

And that was the start of it. Just the two of us sat on the couch talking about our world’s slow escape into death and why we believed it happened. The gap that had started to grow between us was destroyed as we got personal and asked about dreams and aspirations. He was right, we were older than we should have been. Eventually, I snuck in the circumstance that happened with Lauren that night and Phil paused clean in his tracks.

“Did you enjoy it?”

“I don’t know.” It seemed silly to lie to him there and hide a lie behind our moments of honesty. I no longer wanted Phil to be proud of me I sort of just wanted to get it off my chest.

“I don’t know if I enjoy kissing either. It seems like the hype is pretty silly don’t you think?” He said. With those words, I felt validated beyond what I had ever felt. Maybe it wasn’t just me in my innocence and inexperience.

We stayed up till ten in the morning and didn’t go home until we both felt better. I felt a little less alone.

Chapter 7

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