#I’m gonna sh!t post and add fuel to the fire

[hydroelectricjaya]

It’s like you all collectively forgot about this being canon:

It's so weird seeing Jay be drawn as this pencil thin twink because like... are we all forgetting he's still a ninja? If anything he and ALL the ninja for that matter would be on the heavier side seeing as ALL we ever see them consume nowadays is pizza and soda. I wouldn't say they're fat per se, but DEFINITELY have more mass to them. NO way any of them are fucking twigs.

[snail-giggles]

Stormy Fears

I have always hated storms. As a kid, it was fine because kids are meant to be afraid of storms. As I got older though, I became more of the odd one out. Some people ignored them, other found a nice spot to sit and watch it all....I sat far away from all electrical outlets in the middle of my room.

The only storm I liked to watch was the one that was rolling away from me.

I honestly thought that I would grow out of it. That one day my heart wouldn't start racing at the first hint of thunder and my hands wouldn't clench and shake upon seeing forks of lightning. I actually added cursing to my list of things to deal with. In hindsight, I am sure it is very amusing to watch an adult trembling and saying sh*t or f**k in time with the thunder/lightning.

However, I am getting better at dealing with this response in public. It's thanks to a key part of me know as....anxiety.

Yeah. My little bit of social anxiety helps me keep my fear response in check when I'm in a public situation.

My job means I literally can't be shaking and swearing in the middle of a room when a storm hits (I would definitely be fired for doing that). So, while my heart rate may be increasing on the inside, on the surface I appear reasonably.....ok. I put on an acting mask and focus on making the people around me feel happy and safe OR get really productive and start moving fast to get jobs done (mainly so I can get to a safe place).

Once I realised that I was doing this in public, I started applying this to when I was alone. I hated how I was almost hyperventilating and yelling swear words when I was alone in a storm. Eventually, I looked at what was different in those situations, besides the obvious absence of an audience.

When I am alone, I focus on my fear. When I am in public, I focus on others or a given task.

When I was alone, I was literally fueling my own fear. I was making it worse because I wasn't doing anything about it.

Now things are a bit different. When a storm is approaching I start a routine of playing music, slowly unplugging only unnecessary electrical devices (reducing my worry that something will get blown up), check that matches and candles are easy to access and then find something to do

Oh look a distraction

Writing this post is my storm distraction right now. I only swore four times while writing this. I'm taking that as a win.

I'm never going to just 'grow out' of this fear... the same way I'm not growing out of any other aspects of my personality (I'm not growing any more....this is as tall I will ever be now). They make me, me. An individual. I'm just not going to let it rule over me as much now.

The rain is finally letting up now, and the sun is out again. If this post makes its way onto your radar I hope you get something out of it. Whether it's a laugh or the courage to reflect on your own fears and think about how you can work on them.

Obviously I didn't come to these conclusions on my own. I had some good friends that helped point out my behaviour changes (these aren't the ones who laughed at me for being afraid) and also I started watching Thomas Sanders videos.

I never thought a YouTube series (That I only really discovered last year) would actually set me on a path of self reflection. No jokes. I've been able to legally drink for 7 years and in the last 16 months (approx.) I have only just started to find and acknowledge my true self. Crazy to think really.

Anyway...I'm gonna stop before I dig myself into a hole and start thinking about everything wrong with this post.

Note: I love all the people who make these GIFs. They are amazing. GIFs add so much more to regular text posts. I hope to learn how they are made one day