#I’m a lesbian but if Apollo wanted to date me I would not be able to say no

[star-mannnn]

When you realize you’re closer to the age where gods start dating mortals than the age that they claim demigods

(Apollo please)

[squishy831]

Anything to see you smile

Ship: Pernico/Perico/Nicercy

Warnings: Angst, Major Character Death

Extra Information: Nico and Will are not dating... yet, Bianca didn’t choose rebirth, she was hidden by Hades because he knew that Hazel was supposed to be the one who was brought back to life, and Nico only tells Percy that he’s gay and doesn’t reveal his crush on him.

Percy was gay. Not a lot of people knew that. And he liked the one and only Nico di Angelo. He was so happy when he found that Nico was gay, he felt like he was flying, but then, of course, Zeus still did not like his presence in the air, so he fell and burned when Nico walked to Will Solace. Percy felt his heartbreak and shatter into pieces.

Nico still hated Percy. Or that's what Percy assumed.

He had to fix this! He didn't care what it took, he just wanted to make Nico happy.

Percy knew how to fix this. All he needed was Annabeth.

Percy walked to the dining pavilion where Annabeth was waiting for him.

'Hey Seaweed Brain!" she said when she saw him. He returned with a small smile.

"Annabeth, we need to talk" he started seriously.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Can we go somewhere else?" He asked noticing the people.

Annabeth looked confused and nodded.

They both walked to the beach and sat down on the warm sand.

The sea was calm and beautiful, Apollo was slowly riding his sun chariot back to his palace, and the moon was slowly making it's way up.

"What is it?" Annabeth asked again.

"I... I..." Percy took a deep breath "I am gay" he finally blurted.

Annabeth blinked at him. Once. Twice. Thrice. Then she smiled.

"Okay... next?" she asked.

"You're not mad?" I asked.

"Why would I be? I mean well, I am a lesbian, I realized it after I met Reyna" she replied, her cheeks tinted pink.

"Do you like someone?" She asked.

"I like Nico" I replied.

"Aww! I ship you two!" she replied.

I gave a small smile.

"Well, what's your plan to make him fall in love with you?" she asked.

"I don't want to make him fall in love with me" I replied.

"What? Then what do you want to do? Just stay in the sidelines and watch as Will start dating?" she asks confused.

"I want to make him happy"

"yeah... and how exactly do you plan on doing if you not going to ask him out?"

"I..." I mumbled the rest.

"If you want me to help you, then you better speak louder Seaweed Brain"

I took a deep breath and explained to her my plan.

"WHAT?! NO WAY I'M HELPING YOU DO THAT!"

"Annabeth the-" "NO! I WILL NOT LET YOU DO THAT!"

"Annabeth listen!"

"WHAT?!"

"I... it's the only thing that I can d-"

"No! You can do other things, like spend time with him! get to know him!"

"Annabeth..."

"No! Percy, you can't do this! To yourself! To me! To everyone at camp! To your MOM?!"

"Mom and Paul died, I got the news yesterday morning" I muttered.

"What?" Annabeth whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked.

"I... I was having a hard time-" I chocked a sob "I was a hard time myself to accept it"

"Oh, Percy," Annabeth said hugging me.

"But you can't do this, right? Your mom wouldn't want you to do this, right?" She tried to explain.

But I already had made my mind.

"I am trying to make someone else happy, You find someone else, maybe Reyna and Camp has Jason, he is an amazing leader, and maybe, maybe Nico will finally forgive me," I said.

"Percy... please... don't do this"

"I'm sorry Wise Girl"

Tears rolled down Annabeth's cheeks, "When-" she let out a sob, "When do you leave?" she asked.

"Tomorrow" I muttered.

Annabeth looked away from me and cried. I didn't try and comfort her.

"Percy... Please... Think about it, one last time, if this is the right thing to do" She said.

"I'm sorry Annabeth, I already made up my mind," I said.

More tears rolled down her cheek.

She pulled me into a bone-crushing hug and sobbed into my shirt. I hugged her back, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" I repeated to her.

And the night carried on.

The next morning, Annabeth woke up in her cabin, hoping yesterday night was a bad dream.

She ran to the Poseidon cabin and forced the door open.

She was greeted by an empty cabin.

She examined the empty cabin, trying to find one clue that Percy didn't do what he said he would do.

She stops looking around the cabin when she finds a letter on Percy's bed, holding it down was... Riptide?

'He vapor traveled' Annabeth noted.

Tears were streaming down her face as she slowly walked towards the letter, and picked it up.

She read through the letter, tears streamed down her face.

He was gone.

Her best friend was gone.

"Annabeth? You okay?" A voice asked from the door.

Annabeth looked to see who it was. Piper was standing there with a worried look on her face, "Why are crying?!" She asked.

"I... Percy..." Annabeth started crying and handed the letter to Piper

Before Piper can read the letter, the rest of the seven and Nico had gathered around them.

"What's going on?" Jason asked.

"Yeah, where's Percy?" Hazel asked.

Piper's gaze turned back to the letter,

“Dear Everyone," Piper read aloud for so the rest can hear.

"I don't know how to say this, so I'll just tell it straight to your face. I am gay, I found out a little later after I met Nico Di Angelo, yes, I am admitting that I have a tiny... okay huge crush on him" Jason's eyes widened, and Nico looked shocked.

"I couldn't bear to see him mad at me, always avoiding me. It broke my heart. But I deserved it, it should've been me, I'm sorry Nico. But it's fine, I am now on one last quest where I am going to make it right"

"What?!" Nico shouted.

"Nonononononono," he muttered and fell to the ground. He closed his ears with his hands and cried.

"What's going on?" Frank asked.

"Is Percy leaving camp?" Hazel asked, not being able to accept the other option.

Annabeth slowly shook her head and cried more.

"I have to... I have to save him" Nico muttered getting up.

"Where are you going?!" Jason shouted. Nico still wasn't strong enough for too much shadow traveling.

"I have to, please, I have to" Nico cried a little more before disappearing into shadows.

Part 2 coming soon

[a-woman-apart]

Separating the Boys from the Men

Yes, that title is click bait, and if you keep reading, you’ve been warned. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, and it’s going to involve defending masculinity, femininity, and our right to BEHAVE LIKE CHILDREN FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES because in many ways, we already do. 

Let’s get straight to the point. As Millennials, regardless of our age, financial status, or level of “success” (air quotes 100% intentional) we have been accused of being lazy, entitled, and way too enthusiastic about avocado toast. At the same time, we have been described as having enough power to decimate the napkin industry, the diamond industry, and the concept of traditional marriage. We have been accused of a collective “Peter Pan” syndrome, because we “refuse” to cut off papa’s apron strings and get off the proverbial mama’s teats. 

Wonderful to know. 

Let’s unpack the “lazy” bit. Supposedly, this is tied to the fact that we have access to higher education, we [often, not always] have parents who financially support or house us well into adulthood. 

So now, my question is, Gen X (the entitled ones, ironically) and Salty Boomers, YOU DIDN’T? 

What do you call that “inheritance” you received? What do you call that education your parents paid for that was less than 1/3 what we have to pay? For Boomers, how do you explain the lavish weddings, cheap [and apparently nuke proof] home appliances, and “nights out on the town” that you were able to afford by working at whatever passed for a McDonald’s back in the day? Working on a farm, at a grocery store, or in retail used to ACTUALLY provide a livable wage; for us, those are a “side hustle” and we still have to get a “big boy job” that usually requires an education that can put us over $100,000 in debt by age 30. 

Hate to say it, but if you hadn’t made most of your income “during the War” or in  the absolute economic boom that followed it, you wouldn’t survive 24 hours in our shoes before having an emotional collapse.  

Despite the disastrous living conditions of the U.S. in the 21st Century, not much has changed in how men define their level of “manliness.” 

Financial gains (stocks, bonds, portfolio, bank account) 

Bro “gains” (a.k.a. “gym gains”, how “Gaston” they are, including whether they want to go for the Adonis, Apollo, or Brawny boi look, or just how far they can throw something or how “boyish” they look if strength isn’t an option and they suffer from femme-levels of body dysmorphia) 

Body count (since we’re in a time of peace and not literally war, this is LITERALLY a modern term describing how many people you’ve slept with, and I have never heard an adult man, regardless of sexual orientation, who isn’t a little concerned about putting those notches in the bed post, and if not that, VERY concerned about his bedroom performance: it’s quality vs. quantity) 

Kill death Ratio (I know this is a video game term now, but did you know that before video games, men in England used to regularly get on horseback, get a bunch of hounds together, and chase down tiny foxes and rabbits? FOR FUN?!?!? Did you know, that before modern sports ((including Esports)), men used to just fight to the death, regularly, even if an official war wasn’t going on? It was known as “dueling”, and in less socially developed societies, men still behave like this. So the next time you complain about “male rage” and how heartless it is to make live chickens fight, note that even though we’ve quelled male anger and hostility on some level, you will NEVER be able to take away man’s urge to destroy. Boys and men will always like knocking things over, building things from the rubble, and ruling shit. It’s what they do-- and we women can and do, too, but we have a LOT more risk-aversion and self-preservation, which is a blessing and a curse for our species-- but we just need to make sure humanity as a whole stays...chill)

So what, say ye, has changed about how WOMEN define themselves now vs. in the past. I would say that very little has changed, but the level of internalized misogyny, insecurity, and good-old fashioned denial has SKYROCKETED. 

Let’s look at some terms of how the majority of women value themselves. 

Financial Security (few women will admit to “wanting to be rich”, because that sounds kind of “Trump”, but plenty will talk about having minimum income requirements for their partner(s), wanting to retire at a young age so they can “travel the world”, wanting to eliminate their debts, etc. It’s different language but essentially it translates to: I want to work so hard or marry into so much wealth that I never want to worry about money after age 35. #Hustle) 

Looks (it doesn’t matter if you want a Kardashian butt, you’re in the body positivity movement, or you just want to “dress like a bawse” women are just as obsessed with clothes, image, and body weight/shape/size as they ever were, it is just that now that we’ve “slain the patriarchy” we have more fashion options than ever before, because “boy clothes” are just as “in” as femme ones)

Ability to attract a partner (some women, like me, “chase”, but thanks to biology, most women, regardless of sexual orientation, seem to enjoy being pursued more than being Artemis-style hunters. This is evidenced by the fact that when the feminist owner of Bumble changed the rules of the dating website to where women had to start conversations with men rather than vice versa ((a move that had ostensibly zero effect on lesbian matching)) 72% of women that she later surveyed stated that they liked it better when men were approaching them rather than the other way around. I am sure Bumble’s female CEO was shook ((as was I)), especially because she made the change to empower women, and apparently 72% of women didn’t want the power because it meant they now had the power to face rejection, and it made them uncomfortable. Big yikes. So much for #EndPatriarchy and #ChivalryisDead ?)

Playing house (this is probably going to get me some unfollows, but I’ll take my chances. Women, regardless of sexual orientation, often seem to be REALLY into having babies or just “playing house.” There’s also men like this, too, “Family men” as they’re aptly called, men in love with fatherhood ((or just being called “daddy”, and that will never not be weird)). So many women who never want to pop out a baby describe being taken by an OVERWHELMING urge to fuck during their “fertile window” ((or is that just me?)) and seeing every baby alive as the cutest human being ever once we pass the tender age of 25. The biological clock is REAL, and I learned the hard way that being bisexual and having immense fear of pregnancy and childbirth didn’t spare me from the awful truth of my biology. 

I really don’t want to keep making references to modern video games, but they seem to serve the dual purpose of being deeply satisfying and helping us to quell “problematic” urges, including that one to dominate and destroy the world. For a lot of women gamers, though, our choices ((on a broad scale, every #girlgamer is different)) deviate from men’s in some interesting ways. 

#1: We still love The Sims Franchise way more than guys do 

Not only do we love it, but while a lot of men (again, #notallmen) tend to build elaborate neighborhoods to extensively mod and destroy them in terrifying ways, I still see women gamers taking obscene amounts of time to design homes, raise happy little families, and cause TERRIFYING blood feuds by having Sims marry Sims from rival families ((I guess we’re more Shakespeare than we thought, eh ladies?))

#2: We make up most of mobile gaming

Most male gamers think mobile games “aren’t real” and I tend to agree, but a mobile game is invaluable for when I, a woman, have time to kill between the 3 jobs I hypothetically have and I and don’t want to whip out something like a Nintendo 2DS that is both unwieldly and attracts the eyes of every impoverished, thieving human being in a .5 mile radius. #RiskAversion. These games are often low-quality, mindless, and insanely easy, but that is WHY WE LIKE THEM. Our entire life is a job. #Hustle

#3 We also love farming sims and RPGs

While we-- and most male Millennials-- beg god to not have to birth calves, milk cows, or labor in the tomato fields under the hot sun, most of us have no objection to having our virtual avatars perform the same back-breaking tasks to the tune of cheerful chiptune music. Also, even though men definitely enjoy them, too, I have never met a woman gamer who didn’t enjoy a nice RPG; why do you think we’re such avid readers of fantasy/romance YA? 

We want to be transported to a different world, and if you won’t take us there, we’re happy to go there virtually ((because we probably can’t afford travel; we’re still millennials)). 

Ability to murder people who threaten our young or our partner(s) (Okay this one is a bit more complicated, but I’m just going to tell you a bit about female animals. DON’T MESS WITH THEIR BABIES IF YOU WANT TO LIVE. Human females, are, in that regard, just as savage, if not more so, than our male counterparts. 

I’ve never heard of any woman ((outside of prison, maybe)) who killed another woman for “looking at her weird” or saying “your mama” too many times. I’ve heard plenty of women threaten literal murder because another woman ((or man, we’re #progressive)) came too close to her romantic/sexual partner, or another human being threatened harm on our kids or our “squad.” 

I don’t know where the meme truly originated from, but “Don’t talk to me or my son ever again” is SUCH a Mom thing to say. So much misandry is wrapped up in the idea that men are predators, and that is true, but not in the excessively sexually deviant ways you think ((that’s only sometimes true)). They just like hunting things, including people, but if you give them a toy to play with ((I MEAN ACTUAL TOY OMG)) they seem alright. Let them go play with their cars, Xbox, [insert whatever] or something. They’re men, okay, they’re easily distracted/impressed/occupied. 

Women, on the other hand, have seemed to be having an EXTREME amount of trouble curbing that baby-making urge, or the Excessive Nurturing Urge, that one that makes you ask your grown husband if he’s remembered to pack lunch for work or if he remembered to pack money for his playdate with his bros, because he’s gonna need money at Six Flags and you aren’t going to bring it to him because he should’ve remembered, you reminded him 30093390 times. 

THAT’S NOT HIS FAULT. HE HAS MANAGED BY SOME MIRACLE TO STAY ALIVE FOR 33 YEARS. THAT’S YOU, SWEETIE. STOP BEING SUCH A MOM. GO BE A NURSE, DOCTOR, OR SOCIAL WORKER OR SOMETHING OMG. 

In summary...

What separates the “men from the boys” or the “women from the girls” isn’t the era that we were born in to, our economic status, or whether we’ve been able to “conquer” our biology. That’s definitely not possible yet, chiefly because transhumanism involves a lengthy, ethics-guided process, and even if we all turn into cyborgs, the goal is to become BETTER humans, not LESS humane. Societal advancements have done more in terms of making us healthier, less destructive citizens of planet earth than raw technology ever can and ever will. Rapid technological advancement, when not combined with respect for morality, ethical standards of living for humans and all other life forms, almost always leads to human slavery, widespread abuse of animals, sex trafficking, and environmental destruction, because the “rules of supply and demand”, when not governed by strong international trade laws, dictate that consumers should be supplied with whatever they demand, because the suppliers can profit, and their right to profit should be defended at any cost. 

So, in summary, I believe that “adulting” involves giving up on entitlement. What separates a truly childish human being-- regardless of their actual age-- from someone who is, in essence, “adulting” is experience, and how much those experiences serve to broaden that person’s perspective. It is an extremely childish, self-centered view, to think that you “deserve” anything for being “a good person” or, in the case of many a “woman child” or “man child” in media and in real life, just being “not so bad.” 

Grown-ups are able and willing to do something that is known as “delaying gratification” which is the simple ability to delay a temporary pleasure for a long-term gain. Grown-ups are also able to perform true “cost-benefit analyses” to determine if a course of action, business deal, or even relationship is worth their time and effort. Finally, grown-ups are able and willing and able to make an informed choice and stick to it; in essence, we don’t try to “have our cake and eat it too” we understand that once we’ve eaten that cake, the cake is gone, but we also realize that if we are willing to work hard and make sacrifices, we can earn the ingredients to make ourselves another cake to eat, even if we might need a lot of help from other adults in getting those ingredients (we call this teamwork and cooperation). 

Children, on the other hand (in literal and metaphorical terms), are very impatient. They get angry when things don’t go their way, and instead of taking the steps needed to improve their situation, they storm off and return home. It doesn’t matter if their home is with their parents, with their 3 roommates, or with their husband or wife, these people throw tantrums, refuse to communicate/cooperate, and stew in their displeasure until someone feels sorry for them and fixes their problem for them. They lack the ability to work through daily life problems and refuse to take any responsibility for how their actions or inaction contributed to their dilemma. 

There is one difference with an actual human child or teen, though, is that they have an excuse. Their brains are still developing, and they haven’t had the chance to live through these situations yet; these are new challenges to them. Even if they do have a “bad attitude”, with help from peers and patients, principled adult mentors and teachers, these cantankerous kids can grow into well-adjusted, able adults. The high levels of neuroplasticity in their brains actually make it so that it is easier for them to accept large amounts of sensory data and to learn from processing and practicing using it.

An “adult child” is someone who, more often than not, has been coddled instead of challenged. These people have often faced no significant hardships in life. There is a reason why, even after we have recognized the immense downsides of authoritarian parenting and have demonstrated psychological harms of corporal punishment for kids, we still call “bad kids” and “irresponsible adults” spoiled. 

Authoritarianism produces rigid, scared people who often struggle with critical thinking and self-esteem or end up being authoritarian parents themselves, but that last one is actually one of the less likely options. Children of authoritarian parents often develop Borderline Personality Disorder or become defiant against authority (shocker). Overly permissive or overly neglectful parenting, though, are parental styles most associated with producing narcissists, who often become authoritarian parents, because when their kids challenge them, they completely lack the patience or emotional capacity to deal with it and resort to “because I said so”, stonewalling and/or physical abuse as forms of “character-building.” 

The reason why overly permissive parents spoil their kids is because kids actually do need discipline and guidance, and so these kinds of parents produce kids who are outwardly capable and confident but completely lack any of the life skills to justify it, and when they ask their parents for advice they are just met with a bunch of hippie mumbo jumbo or told to just avoid the conflict rather than resolve it. These kids grow into adults who are still sad little kids inside, because they never grew up, but now they’re sad little kids who are articulate and well-spoken and now can-- and often have no choice-- but to con their way through adult life because they’ve maxed out Charisma and they have almost no points in Strength, Intelligence, Wisdom, or Dexterity.

The only parenting style worse than Authoritarian and Neglectful/Permissive is Mixed, in which a child grows up in a COMPLETELY unpredictable environment where the rules of the game change from day to day, and parents either give their children no attention at all, or they practically lock them up and throw away the key. Being raised like this is associated with the worse outcomes for the child throughout life. 

So, why am I now talking about parenting styles? Because, for all that we love to trash Boomers and large swaths of Gen X on this page, we can’t forget where they came from, so we cannot allow them to forget WHO THEY MADE. It isn’t an accident that even though we live in the times of incredible economic hardship, WE are the generation (and Gen Z, to some extent) that got hooked on reality TV, video games, and social media in incredibly unhealthy ways. A lot of us 30+ millennials are growing out of it, and a lot of us have realized that it is an invaluable (and damn near unavoidable) way of marketing our products and talents. We’re often self-employed because that’s our only option in most cases. 

The issue with Gen Z (who, while we called “Zoomers” now just all themselves “Doomers” and I think we should be a bit concerned about that) is that unlike us, they have no memory of “Before the Internet.” We remember dial up, we remember before that when you played outside untl the sun went down. They don’t have the privilege of being linked to that history. 

Now, we have to be the Bigger Person. It’s our time to be Grown-Ups. Gen Z feels really fucking lost right now, and hearing us whine about our parents probably makes them pretty pissed off, when some of us older millennials are the parents, aunts/uncles, and older siblings to Gen Z kids. Even if we can’t be mentors, we have to lead by example, because we have a responsibility to these kids. A lot of them aren’t stupid, they see exactly what’s happening and they feel incredibly hopeless about it. Greta Thunberg is still 16 years old. She shouldn’t be out there doing that; I mean seriously, climate change is accelerating, but it isn’t even as bad as Al Gore said, it’s still reversible, but the fact that SHE FELT SHE HAD TO makes us shitty people. ALL OF US. 

So you know, we all need to stop being hypocrites. We need to stop being entitled. We need to stop thinking this is about us. It isn’t. Not even close. We’re not important, even if our videos go viral or if we’re swimming in cash next to hot models by a huge swimming pool. America’s fucked up. I hate to sound Republican, but it’s because of our values. We suck at valuing what’s important, and if we don’t change that soon, it’s really going to suck to live in America. 

It already does.  

[artificialqueens]

nobody knows where we might end up, chapter three (branjie) - holtzmanns

(read on ao3) | (tumblr)

“Great. It’s a date, then. Well, not a date. A study date. Studying time. You know what I mean.” Vanessa claps a hand over her mouth before she can say anything worse. “Ugh.”

Brooke giggles, reaching up to bring Vanessa’s hand down from her face, and Vanessa prays to the Lord that she doesn’t see the blush rising on her cheeks. “I got it. Don’t worry.”

AN: Thank you so much for the lovely response to this fic! I appreciate it so much. Writ is the best for being both a wonderful beta and roaster and this story would Not exist without them.

(then)

“Yes Mama, I’m eating well.” Vanessa rolls her eyes when her mom replies on the other end of the phone in rapid fire Spanish. “No, I’m not just eating pasta, I promise.” 

“I don’t want you to waste away, mija. You need a vegetable every now and then.” Vanessa can almost picture her mom on the other end, phone on speaker as she drives to work. 

“I eat vegetables! Sometimes.” She’s trying to, at least. Learning to cook in a small residence suite kitchen is hard. She should have gotten a meal plan, but past her had thought that making her own meals would be a more fun experience. 

Past her hadn’t been the smartest.

“Fucking idiot, trying to cut into my lane - what did you say, Vanessa?” It makes Vanessa snort. Her mom had been the one to teach her to drive, which more than explains her own trash talking when she’s behind the wheel. 

“I’ll leave you to drive, Mama, the lecture is starting soon anyway. Be safe.” She hangs up as her mom yells at her to come visit for Thanksgiving. 

Vanessa looks around at the students trickling into the lecture hall, eyes peeled for a certain blonde in particular. Her bag rests on the seat beside her, saving it for Brooke. 

The floor hangout had been fun. Real fun. She’s never seen Brooke loosen up, their times during lecture spent focusing on the course material. But making her smile, twirling her as she danced - Vanessa wants to make Brooke that happy again. 

Brooke looks tired when she falls into the seat beside Vanessa, moving her bag. Vanessa reaches out to fix the collar of Brooke’s shirt, which is sticking up on one side, and doesn’t miss the way that her cheeks turn pink. 

“What’s wrong, B?” 

“Nothing, I just…” Brooke fiddles with her laptop case, biting her lip, “I still don’t fully understand the last lecture, and was trying to go over it again before class because we’re starting new things, and if I don’t get that then what if I don’t understand what he teaches today-”

“Okay, slow down.” Vanessa holds up a hand, making Brooke stop her rambling and take in a breath. “How about we go over it together? You have any free time after class today?” 

Score. Vanessa wants to pat herself on the back. She’s been trying to figure out a way to get Brooke to hang out with her for weeks, but couldn’t think of how to ask without sounding desperate. This way? They can both get work done too. 

She has no clue if Brooke is also gay, but who cares? It’s not like that. It’s not. Sure, dancing and goofing around with Brooke was nice, and sure she wants to do it again more than anything, but…she also wants to be her friend. Help her out a little. 

Well. More than her friend, but still. 

Brooke looks at her in surprise. “Yeah? You’d wanna do that?” 

“Sure, why not? And you can teach me the mnemonic you used to memorize the cranial nerves so damn fast.” 

Brooke smiles, a real smile, and it makes Vanessa grin in response. “I’d like that.” 

“Great. It’s a date, then. Well, not a date. A study date. Studying time. You know what I mean.” Vanessa claps a hand over her mouth before she can say anything worse. “Ugh.” 

Brooke giggles, reaching up to bring Vanessa’s hand down from her face, and Vanessa prays to the Lord that she doesn’t see the blush rising on her cheeks. “I got it. Don’t worry.” 

The professor clears his throat then, draws their attention to the tricuspid valve on the PowerPoint slide, and Vanessa leans back in her seat with a sigh of relief. The adrenaline rush from asking Brooke to simply hang out was enough to power a small town, at least. She’s too weak for this girl. 

The three hour lecture feels like it flies by with the promise of later. She likes cardio, she gets cardio, it makes sense in her head. 

Brooke, however, radiates with nervous energy that becomes stronger and stronger as the lecture goes on. Vanessa turns to her at the break. 

“Don’t be freaking yourself out.”

“I’m not.” Brooke’s protest is feeble. 

“Imma distract you.” Vanessa racks her brain. She knows these spirals, she’s been in enough herself. “Wanna hear about my dog, Riley?”

Brooke turns out to be a real animal person, cooing at all of the pictures of Riley that Vanessa proudly shows her. In turn, Brooke tells her about her two cats back home, Henry and Apollo. 

“Is that Henry in a sweater?”  Vanessa nearly screeches at the picture that Brooke shows her. 

Brooke can’t hold back a grin. “He’s so fluffy that his fur was sticking up every which way after I took it off of him. He strangely likes wearing it, though.” 

Vanessa whistles. “Damn. One time I put Riley in boots to protect his feet from the salt and ice and he walked in a snowbank on purpose to lose ‘em.” 

Brooke looks lighter when the lecture starts up again, and Vanessa has to resist the urge to reach out and squeeze her hand. 

She racks her brain throughout the second half of the lecture of where she can take Brooke to study. Not the silent study zone, where they wouldn’t be able to talk, not the group study area which is always way too noisy, but-

“Psst.” She nudges Brooke, who looks surprised by Vanessa talking in class. “You ever been to the top floor of the library?” 

Vanessa tugs her there after class, weaving between the shelves of old books and stacks on the floor to pull her to a window overlooking the rest of campus. The floor is empty save for the two of them, most students occupying the study areas on the first and second floors. 

Brooke whistles. “How did you find this?”

“I like to walk around while memorizing things, sometimes. Helps my brain think. Somehow ended up here one day.” Vanessa shrugs. “I like it up here. It’s quiet. Peaceful.” 

“Sure is.” Brooke’s voice is a whisper as she looks out the window, seeing the rest of the campus buildings from above. “I can see our residence building from here.” 

“Pretty cool, huh?” Vanessa grins, setting her bag down on the table beside the window. “Now c’mon. I promised you a cardio review.” 

 Vanessa’s real glad that her evening lecture has been cancelled, her professor emailing in the morning that they were going to be out with the flu. When she looks at her watch, she nearly yelps when noticing the time. 

“8:30 already? Damn, it’s been what, like, four hours?” She looks over at Brooke, who closes her physiology textbook with a thud. 

“Jeez, you’re right. It hasn’t felt that long at all.” Brooke’s loosened up throughout their study session, pulling her feet up onto her chair and freeing her hair from the braid it was in so that her it cascades down over her shoulders in waves. 

“Time flies in good company.” Vanessa winks at her, second-guessing the action as soon as she does it because is it too forward? But then she sees the way that Brooke blushes, smiles shyly back at her, and her heart settles down from the flips it had started to do. 

“Thank you, by the way. You definitely didn’t have to spend so much time going over all of this with me.” Brooke’s facial expression is tentative as she peeks over at Vanessa while packing up her things. 

Vanessa waves off Brooke’s words. “I got stuff out of it too, helped me review everything. Now we’re both set for the first two units.” 

Of course, she wants to spend as much time as she can get with Brooke, but that’s neither here nor there. Nor does Brooke need to know. 

Brooke looks at her phone and bites her lip. “Shoot. I was supposed to meet my roommate to grab dinner with her at that sushi place on campus. I gotta go.”

Brooke pauses, though, turning to Vanessa with an expression that she can’t decipher. 

“Do you want to do this again next week? Make it a thing? I had fun.” Brooke’s looking at her like she’s absolutely terrified of what her answer may be. As if Vanessa would ever say no. 

“Hell yeah. I had fun with you too, B.” Vanessa grins then, remembering the words she had said to Brooke the first time that they had met in lecture. “Same time next week?”

“Definitely.” 

A standing study date with a cute girl. Well, not a date, but still. Vanessa’s happy with it. 

 “Silky. My sweet Silk with the good milk. I am in love.” Vanessa flops onto her bed in the most dramatic fashion that she can. 

Her roommate doesn’t even look up from her book. “You said the same thing last week after trying the lasagna in the dining hall that you bought. It wasn’t even that good.”

Vanessa rolls over, supports herself on her elbows. “It was, ‘cause I didn’t have to cook it. But seriously.”

Silky turns a page of her book. “Who you in love with now?” 

“Her name’s Brooke. She’s in Human Physiology One with me. Lives on the other end of the hall, actually. She’s so cute, Silk.” Vanessa thinks of how they basically spent the entire evening together, and from the way her heart starts to beat faster, she feels like a schoolgirl with a crush. 

“Want me to hook you up with this one, too?” Silky’s been her best friend and wing-woman from high school, responsible for multiple of Vanessa’s girlfriends in the past. 

“No, not this time.” Vanessa shakes her head. Divine Silky intervention just wouldn’t feel…right. “I don’t even know if she’s gay.”  

“You lesbians are always a fucking mystery to me. How you gonna woo her, then?” 

Vanessa shrugs. “I dunno. We just studied together for like four hours, though.” So what if her voice comes out a bit dreamier than intended?

“Oh so she a nerd too, huh? Match made in heaven.” Silky snorts. “Someone else at your batshit level.”

“Hey.” Vanessa pouts at her. “I like human biology. It’s fun. And so does she.”

Silky waves a hand at her. “Can’t relate. Thank God I didn’t have to take bio past grade eleven. Imma stick with my English major, thank you very much.” 

Vanessa makes a face. “Beats me how you can write such long ass papers without getting bored.” 

“You ramble so much about wack ass shit as it is. Put that down on paper and channel it into something constructive. Not too hard.” 

“Boring.” Vanessa sticks her tongue out at her. “Anyways. I need to get her to like me.”

Silky snickers, looking up from her book. “You sound like you’re in middle school.”

Vanessa is unperturbed. “Laugh all you want now, but imma make it happen.” 

Silky finally puts her book down, looking up at Vanessa. “Just be yourself, boo. If she’s any good at all, she’ll like you for you.You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone else.” 

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Surprisingly profound, even for you.”

Silky opens her book again. “What can I say? Sometimes I have moments where I channel the spirit of fucking Mr. Rogers himself.”

“I’d have watched you on TV as a kid. Even though I would have gotten so scarred by what I saw.” Vanessa ducks from the pillow that Silky tosses in her direction. “See! Already under attack.” 

“Talk shit, get hit. Now let me read.” Silky’s voice is good natured, and Vanessa can’t help but grin. She’s lucky that she’s gotten to room with Silky for their first year. Better her than a random stranger that she’d have to get to know. 

(now)

Vanessa pulls her coat tighter around her, crossing her arms to try and keep herself from shivering. She had forgotten how fucking cold Toronto is, even in the early fall. 

Los Angeles had spoiled her. The sun, the dry heat…she had thrived from her first day of medical school up to becoming a cardiothoracic fellow. But she had needed more. Wanted to go farther. Being back in Toronto will give her that - at least, she hopes so. 

She’s closer in location to her mom now, at least, and has her if nothing else. 

“Morning, Dr. Mateo!” Dr. O’Hara waves at her from the Starbucks line. 

Vanessa waves back, weaving in between the crowd to get closer to her. “Ready for our joint consult today?” 

“Very much so. I’m excited to work with you.” Dr. O’Hara’s grin is infectious, making Vanessa break out into a smile too despite the ridiculous early hour. 

“Likewise. I’ve always wanted to try a transcatheter aortic valve replacement. Didn’t have access to the materials back in LA.” 

“Really?” Dr. O’Hara looks surprised at that. “I thought that they’d have everything a surgeon would need in the US.”

Vanessa shrugs. “Nah. The hospital I worked at wasn’t a cardiac centre, so they stuck to the basics, referred out to other centres for more complex procedures. Had to fight to do the ones that I did.” 

“Speaking of which, the pericardial closure that you were able to do successfully and wrote about? Amazing. I hope you have the chance to do one here.” 

Vanessa grins. Her new colleagues, especially in the cardiac unit, have been incredibly supportive, hearing out her out of the box ideas and helping her find research evidence to back them up. More support than she had in LA.

Outside of cardiac, though? A different story. 

Most people are fine. She’s grabbed lunch with the ortho attendings and had coffees with the peds team, as well as the neuro team. 

Well. Most of the neuro team. Save for one. 

Seeing Dr. Hytes around has been fucking unsettling. The woman broke her heart when they were so young and the sting of the break up is still there, no matter how many girlfriends she’s been through since then. 

Dr. Hytes had been her first real love. And her last, no matter how much of a romantic at heart she remains to this day. 

It seems like the woman has closed off her heart to the world, too, from the way everyone else seems to be intimidated by her. 

“Dr. O’Hara,” Vanessa starts, the other woman nodding after taking a sip of her drink, “what’s the story on Dr. Hytes?” 

“Dr. Hytes? What about her?” 

“What’s she like?” Vanessa knew what Dr. Hytes - Brooke - had been like years and years ago, in undergrad. Soft and vulnerable and learning to believe in herself no matter what her brain was telling her. The Dr. Hytes she’s seen twice now, though, is different. Closed off. 

Also kind of a bitch. 

“Why, you into her too?” Dr. O’Hara’s smile is wry. 

“Not especially.” Vanessa wishes that Dr. Hytes wasn’t here, at the hospital. Bringing up old feelings that she most definitely doesn’t want to deal with while starting a new job. “What do you mean, ‘into her too’?”

“Bit of a ladykiller, that one. I swear she’s turned half of the nurses gay on my floor alone.”

“Okay, first of all, you can’t turn people gay. Doesn’t work like that. Second of all,” Vanessa raises an eyebrow, “go on.” 

“She’s a great lay, apparently. Makes all the women after her go back for more. Not my cup of tea, personally, but Dr. Michaels slept with her once and swore that she came like, four times.” Asia whistles. “Her power.”

Vanessa scoffs. “Clearly you don’t know enough lesbians in your life. Not an outstanding number.” 

Asia shrugs. “Hey, just reporting what I’ve heard. That your cup of tea?” 

Vanessa wrinkles her nose. “Her? Not exactly.”

She had been, years ago. Vanessa knows better now. She’s not going to get burned again. 

Though she wonders how good Dr. Hytes must be now to have so many of the women in the hospital fawning over her. Not that she wants to find out for herself. 

“In or out of the sack, she’s a fucking neurosurgery god. Respect.” Dr. O’Hara points to a picture of Dr. Hytes hanging in the atrium, receiving some sort of award. 

Vanessa has to hold herself back from rolling her eyes. “She really has all of you wrapped around her little finger.” 

Vanessa remembers the Brooke from undergrad, so enamoured by neuro and the way the brain worked. No surprise that she’s become a neurosurgeon - and gotten the overinflated ego that comes with the title. 

She just wishes that Dr. Hytes could do it in a different hospital. Not around her.  

Vanessa is pissed. 

Extremely pissed.  

Sure, she’s been apprehensive about the consult meeting planned with the neuro team for one of their joint patients. Planning an aneurysm clipping for a patient with existing tachycardic issues should be easy, right?

Wrong. 

Not when the main neuro lead is Dr. Hytes, who seems to be determined to undermine everything that she says. 

“We’ll need to address the bloodflow before the clipping, should the patient’s tachycardia become an issue-”

“With all due respect, Dr. Mateo, your method doesn’t seem like a viable option for this patient-”

“Dr. Hytes, I assure you that my experience with this method with multiple patients during my previous practice and various papers written on it is enough to show that it is a viable option-”

“Regardless, this patient is a neuro priority first and foremost, and experimentation with a technique that hasn’t been previously tested at this facility is a rash choice-”

The rest of the meeting is more or less of the same. Not much gets done, not when the two lead attendings on the case spend it verbally sparring. Not that it’s Vanessa’s fault in the least. 

“Dr. Hytes.” Vanessa spits the words at her as soon as they wrap up, storming over to her seat. “May we please speak outside?” 

“What the hell is your problem?” Vanessa hisses the words at Dr. Hytes as soon as they’re in the hallway, watching as her eyes turn stormy as she follows her out into the hallway after leaving the conference room. 

“Your idea is reckless and it isn’t appropriate for this patient. It’s my job to let everyone else know too.” Dr. Hytes looks practically bored. Vanessa has never been more angry. 

“It’s not your job to undermine me in front of colleagues and a patient and their family, so forgive me for not accepting that bullshit.” She’s seething. Absolutely seething. Of course the fucking bitch is trying to make her look unprepared in front of everyone. What else did she expect?

“‘Maybe come prepared with better options and I won’t have to.” Dr. Hytes looks smug, too smug, and Vanessa has to ball her hands into fists to keep herself from doing anything stupid. 

“Look.” Vanessa’s voice is louder now, probably enough to be heard down the hallway, but she doesn’t care. “You don’t know shit about cardiology. Never have, never will. I’m the only reason you never failed the cardio units back in undergrad. So get the fuck off my dick by pretending you know better than I do. Because you don’t.” 

Dr. Hytes’ face turns cold, similar to the way it had been when Dr. West had introduced them on Vanessa’s first day. “You don’t get to talk to me like that.”

“Oh yeah? Says who? Unlike the rest of this hospital, I can see you for who you truly are. And the resulting image? Ugly. Unprofessional. Not as good as you like to think, up there on your high horse.” She spits the words, feeling the anger rise in her chest by the second. 

Dr. Hytes takes a step forward, then another, looking down at her. Vanessa stares right back up at her, refusing to take a step backwards. She’s not one to be intimidated, and not by Dr. Hytes of all people. 

“At least I got into med school on the first try. Because I am as good as I think I am.” Dr. Hytes hisses it at her, low enough so that the small crowd that has gathered around them can’t hear. 

Of course she’d stoop that low. Of course. “Oh, fuck you.” 

Vanessa turns on her heel, storms through the crowd. She’s had it. Had it with cocky surgeons who think that their disciplines are more important and can’t handle the idea of not being the number one priority at all times.

She can’t help but slam the door when she reaches her office, though has to resist the urge to hit her fist on the wall. She blinks back the angry tears threatening to fall. 

Coming to Toronto was supposed to be a good thing. Being back home. Of course one of her ex-girlfriends feels the need to ruin everything for her. 

She’s going to show Dr. Hytes up if it’s the last thing she does.

[adreamingsongbird]

fic self rec meme

i was tagged by the lovely and ever-talented @kanafinwhy!!!! thank you so much daniela <3 lets see what i can come up with here across the fandoms, haha!!

i’m tagging @pitviperofdoom, @weepycat, @sohmamomiji, and @gaymowgli if you’d like to!!!

this post got kind of long so the rest is under the cut:

Homestuck:

Drifting Between Stars (11.4k)

Or, "that one mission that goes really, really wrong, and how the crew tries to fix it". Star Trek AU written as a Christmas present for my good friend apollo-gramarye. Lots of friendships, mentions of Arasol, Karezi, and DaveJade. Also features acting captain Rose, science officer Roxy, engineer Dirk, and medical officer Jane, as well as others!

this one is p old but i still kinda like it haha!! back in the day meg and i were both really into our “uss skaia” au.

Darkness And Dreams (250k)

The Batterwitch rules the star system with an iron claw. Four young men and women are determined to set the world to rights by igniting the spark of revolution, but they are few and have little training in either their magical abilities or running a rebellion. And is that prophecy ever going to come true? (Full summary inside! Starring the kids; not ship-driven.)

d&d is on this list automatically because at over 250,000 words, it’s the longest story i’ve written ever (though that’s going to change soon, i think). even though i really don’t like rereading it bc i’m so critical of 2014 me’s writing, i’m super proud of having done it!!! (it was also my first homestuck fanfic and my first multichap fic and i think the 3rd fic i wrote ever? proving once again that i have no chill tbh)

Stormlight Archive:

Come Morning Light (4k)

"I guess you’ve never really had to worry about a little brother getting in over his head, huh,” Adolin mutters.

Kaladin actually laughs out loud.

this fic is important to me because i just really need kaladin to have love and support from people around him but also i’m not over tien’s death holy fuck

Fullmetal Alchemist:

In The Drift (10.5k)

Edward and his brother Alphonse are the proud pilots of the jaeger Fullmetal. One blustery autumn, a kaiju manages to take them down - what follows are several weeks of fretting, healing and disillusionment at being stuck on the ground. And also, possibly, Edward sorting out his awkward crush on their mechanic and childhood best friend, Winry. It should be an adventure...

written as a secret santa present for a rly good friend of mine, this fic was so much fun holy shit. to date it remains one of my fave aus tbh

As Dreamers Do (5k)

It's okay to be vulnerable sometimes, even if you are a seven-foot-tall suit of impenetrable armor. Riza only wishes Alphonse would stop being so stubborn when it comes to admitting that.

*BANGS FISTS ON TABLE* GIVE ME MORE MAMA HAWK AND HER ARMORED SUNSHINE SON anyway i feel like im one of the only people on board this (10000% platonic, parental) ship but i will keep sailing on. riza&al is just as beautiful as ed&roy (which i love but which has so much more content than riza&al :((((( )

My Hero Academia:

catch your breath in the quiet (3k)

The sun has already set by the time the dust settles on the battlefield. Creatie and Earphone Jack return home. It's all in a day's work, really.

i love momojirou a lot and there’s barely any content for them and thats a damn shame. i should write them more tbh. anyway established relationship lesbian superhero power couple = my aes

(nothing really gay about it) (14k)

If anyone had asked him what he thought he’d be doing at three that morning, Kirishima probably would have said “playing angry birds” or “making popcorn” or something. Definitely not playing wingman-slash-relationship-counselor to a hopelessly confused Todoroki Shouto.

And yet...

DORM SHENANIGANS AND FRIENDSHIP AND FLUFF look this is all i want from the UA kids living in the dorms. naturally as a kid who attended a boarding school, i had to jump on board the dorm shenans train. this fic was a looot of fun to write and i giggled my way through it.

Yuri On Ice

The Rules For Lovers (142k)

Prince Yuuri Katsuki has a duty to his country, above all else (his desires, his dreams, and his happiness included), and he knows this alliance will help to ensure the safety of his people. That’s the only reason he accepts Prince Nikiforov’s hand in marriage. The pleasant surprise, of course, is the part where they fall in love along the way. The unpleasant one, well…

That’s a long story.

okay honestly is there any question as to why i’d put this one on this list. this fic is so much time and work and i love it so much, it’s actually somewhat adhering to the vision of it i had in my head and despite being able to nitpick and find a lot of flaws in it as is (what i wouldn’t give to be able to write a second draft and publish that instead haha) i really love it a lot!!!!! plus, if current projections hold true, it’s gonna knock d&d off the #1 spot in terms of word count. B)

non te ne andare (6.6k)

“I’m fine,” Yuuri insists, one last time. He’s not fine. He’s not fine.

Viktor sinks to sit next to him, nothing but concern written all over his face. “Yuuri, I can’t help you if you won’t talk to me,” he says, reaching for Yuuri’s hands, and—oh.

~

Recovery is not linear. For all that he tells himself he has no reason to be sad, Yuuri is not having a good day.

a deeply personal fic, this is one i wrote during a really bad depressive slump earlier this year. it was partly vent-fic and partly cope-fic and partly spite-fic because the number of times ive seen self-harm represented falsely in fic angers me greatly, but overall, this is one piece of writing that i think is a window to my soul. it’s meaningful to me and i honestly really like how it turned out.

#bffs4lyfe (10.5k)

Detroit holds a special place in Phichit Chulanont's heart, mostly because that's where he met the boy who would become his lifelong best friend. Wait, no, scratch that - Detroit doesn't hold a special place in Phichit's heart. Yuuri Katsuki does.

this was both an exercise in writing phichit’s pov and also a response to my own need for some Good, High Quality Friendship™ such as phichuuri. they love each other very much and the concept of friends loving and supporting each other was something i was longing for (i was at school and really missed my best friend haha), so... this happened. i really love these two and i still enjoy rereading this one, tbh!

[cavesalamander]

Do you have any queer book recs? Preferably not the kind where it's like a coming out book or a Queer Struggle™?

Thanks for the ask!

Honestly I don’t go seeking out a lot of queer books for just that reason - also because being ace and mostly aro, I tend to go for heavy world building and action/adventure, with romance being mostly incidental, if there at all. Also series that last a while and let me know the characters really well.

I also don’t tend to read books that aren’t already at least somewhat popular, so if you want more indie queer book recs, please go check out https://twitter.com/tatehallaway this badass lady on the twitters. I haven’t read any of her books (yet, entirely because I haven’t read anything longer than a couple thousand words in way too long) but I met her at World Con where she hosted a panel on diversity in fiction. She’s a queer writer and is super approachable and friendly. I’m sure she’d be able to point you in the right direction, if not rec some of her own books!

I also would totally recommend checking out Mark Oshiro who recently wrote and got his own book published!! I’m super excited for him, and I’m gonna buy it at some point. His reviews of books are really entertaining too, and he gets pretty autobiographical during them. His fans often recommend queer books and TV shows to him too - so then you get to watch him cry when he realizes that this character that he fell in love with is SURPRISE GAY and he’s so happy he can’t with the emotions. (He’s also a total sweetheart in person holy crap. I got to talk to him at World Con too.)

There’s also TritonYA, which is a publishing house that is working on publishing queer YA genre fiction. I haven’t read any of the 3 books they posted so far because I don’t have the f o c u s these days, and none of them really caught my interest from the summary.

As for books I’VE read... (Apologies that these are like all from cis straight authors afaik, they’re just the ones who I read/ started reading 10+ years ago when I used to read all the time... and back then there just wasn’t the visibility of queer authors, and I didn’t go searching for particular books. I just don’t read very much anymore aaahhh!)

The Circle of Magic series by Tamora Pierce is FANTASTIC. It’s very much romance light - very heavy on the friendship and bonds between the four main characters. But one of the four MCs is lesbian, and there are other queer secondary characters. One of the other girls reads to me as ace/aro too, but that hasn’t been confirmed. (And like 99% of the time my hopes are dashed, but I can see Pierce actually writing an ace character who stays ace.)

Keep in mind that when the series starts they’re like 10, so romance doesn’t come into play until the later books when they’re 16, which is when one of the characters realizes she’s into girls and not boys.

The series is so good too. Pierce’s world building is so good always. She’s like my fuckin idol when it comes to how she does it. The lesbian chara’s character arc about realizing she’s into girls is handled pretty well IMO - the world as a whole isn’t homophobic, so the struggle is mild and mostly self discovery. And the romance is centered around the political struggles happening at the time - is the girl she likes flirting back bc REAL FEELINGS or bc SNEAKY POLITICS!? And SHOULD SHE STAY OR SHOULD SHE GO. Which, given the story as a whole, (and her other writings) this is pretty much in line with how a het romance would be treated.

Trials of Apollo and the Magnus Chase series by Rick Riordan are pretty good too. I don’t like Riordan’s worldbuilding like I love Pierce’s, and he’s writing as a cis straight man but his books are still a lot of fun. There’s a gay kid who gets a couple of POV chapters in an earlier series, (Percy Jackson) but he’s got a lot more of The Struggle going on in his story. (Kinda understandable considering he was born in the 30s, but still.)

Trials follows, well, Apollo who is unapollogetically bi because that’s canon greek myth. (Incidentally, one of his kids is dating the Struggle boy from before and they are very cute together, if a fairly background relationship). Apollo is also totally full of himself and hilarious, and his trials are of course gonna be about how he has to eat a big fuckin slice of humble pie because that’s how grecian trials work. Only like one or two books are out so far, but it looks like it’s gonna be a lot of fun!

Magnus Chase is about a guy who dies and gets sent to Valhalla and becomes a demigod basically. In the second book, a third MC is introduced who is genderfluid/bigender, and by the end of it, Magnus is kinda crushing on her so, that’s cool! I’m not sure yet how it’s gonna be played, since Magnus so far seems to be striaght, and sometimes his love interest is a boy... but I have a pretty good feeling it’s going to be addressed.

Riordan’s a cis straight white dude but he’s definitely done his research. Some of the bits come off kinda “here’s my research laid out” but he started his first series with the goal of, “I want my son to see heroes who are like him. Heroes with ADHD and dyslexia.” And now he’s like “I have fans who are poc, and fans who are queer, and I want them to see themselves too.” And his stories are fun. Which is the important part, in my opinion!

Gunnerkrigg Court by Tom Siddell is actually a webcomic, not a novel, but the MC is most likely aro/ace, and her best friend is bi, who currently is in a relationship with another girl - and there’s at least two other queer couples in the story... and strong hints that one of the characters is a trans girl, and another that used to be a female rabbit but is now a male human, gender unknown as of yet. They didn’t seem particularly bothered by the change though.

It’s also a book about robots and magic and birds and ROBOTS and family legacy and friendship and love and R O B O T S!!! Listen it’s just REALLY GOOD OKAY? Please read it. Please please please!!

The Bartimaeus Trilogy by Johnathan Stroud is one of my all time favorite book series, though it’s the least explicitly queer. There’s no romance in it whatsoever, and the human MC reads to me as aro/ace. (The one time he feels something resembling sexual attraction, he realizes almost instantly that something is Wrong and that he was put under a spell. Lmao...) Human MC is also a ginormous fucking shitlord but I love him a lot, and compared to all the other shitlords in the series, he’s actually pretty moral.

Demon MC is also a shitlord, and somehow works as human MC’s moral compass. Also he’s hilarious. And okay, so... when I was younger, I never really read into anything. But demon MC has this boy from his past who he absolutely loves a lot. You can choose to read it whichever way you want, but it’s a very deep and strong love. QP is likely though unintentional hahaa! Very important... I really need to read the prequel book to see more into how the relationship developed...

A girl is introduced as an MC in the second? and third book. She’s Very Good and also not a love interest. Like it’s way easier to read into a romance between the demon and the boy from his past than it is to read into girl MC and boy MC.

Swordspoint by Ellen Kushner This one I actually got on rec from the librarian I asked for queer books. It’s an older book, like from the 80s and this one I’m pretty sure the author IDs as bi, so hey that’s at least one rec from a queer author. The book is just set in a fantasy world where sexuality is like WHATEVER! and everyone fights with swords and honor and the MC and everyone else are all total fucking pricks but also bisexual.

It’s the most adult and romancy book out of all of them, but the love scenes aren’t explicit or anything. Definitely a recommended read if you wanna see some earlier rep. The copy of the book I got from the library had a recommendation by GRRM on the cover - one that I think predated his rise to fame. You can definitely see why he’d like it. There’s lots of political drama, affairs, murder, swords, etc.

People die, and I don’t necessarily want to spoil you on if the MC or the MC’s love interest dies unless you want me to (You’re welcome to ask!), but it IS a romance, and it’s not centered around The Struggle at all, and I don’t think it counts as Bury Your Gays if EVERYONE is queer!

So that’s what I have off the top of my head. I only counted MAIN characters in this, none of that “someone was gay once in the background see? representation!!!” crap. And like I said, it’s been a while since I’ve really sat down and read anything in earnest. The Swordspoint book was the only one I found while I was actively looking for queer books, the rest is just happy happenstance!

Let me know if you have any questions, and feel free to reblog!