#I’d jump off the bridge unprompted

[sybilazu]

“If YoUr FrIeNdS JuMpEd OfF a BrIdGe, WoUlD yOu?!”

Unrealistic to assume that I was invited to the bridge in the first place. But message received, I guess.

Also unrealistic to think that I have friends, but we’re not gonna talk about that

[kaeltale]

My Meditation on Romance

I’m no expert here, but today I spent a good deal of time analyzing what it is about intense romantic relationships in fiction that makes them so convincing to me. This is mostly a personal musing, because I often find that teaching or writing out my thoughts helps me learn from them, but others might benefit from this as well so I figured I’d share. I intend to use this as a reference whenever I need some ideas when writing a romance. I’ll start with the major points, and break some of them down into a few more specific concepts or examples:

Respect: In some way there is something about each character that leaves a strong impression on the other. This can be achieved in a few ways, but my personal favorite is that each character should be “their own person” with their own dreams and goals in life. Maybe they are both heroes in their own right? Maybe they are masters of their respective fields? Maybe they both came from broken homes and managed to be survivors rather than victims, and have now turned to help the community? Neither character should feel like an “extension” of the other character, existing only to be madly in love with them. Bottom line is the respect built up should go beyond that of the common courtesy a person gives to any other person. Subsets of this concept are:

Autonomy: Each character having freedom in their lives and not feeling trapped or bound by the other’s will. Basically, showing they have choices and they CHOOSE the person they love above else; whether it’s above other people or above other life paths.

Agreeing to disagree: Not always seeing eye-to-eye, but supporting each other regardless when one of them has made a decision and needs help with it. This ties in with autonomy in that each character respects the other’s ability to make up their own mind.

Trust: This concept bleeds into the others quite a bit, and I would consider it the most foundational part of love. For really mind-blowing romances, at some point it is established that both characters implicitly (or explicitly) trust each other without a doubt. This could be a trust with their lives, or a trust with their inner thoughts, or a trust that the other character is sincere in their love. The more ways trust can be shown, the more likely I will buy it that these characters are truly in love. Examples include:

Faith in each other: This kind of trust emphasizes that even in dark times, one character believes in the other character’s ability to pull through it. This could mean that they believe the other character will be there for them (ie: the hero coming to their aid), or they are there for the other character because they know they will come out of their darkness/moral dilemma/shady past even if it’s not a good time right now (ie: the anti-hero finding their way to the light).

Vulnerability: This is basically an emphasis on “trust with their inner thoughts”, but trusting someone with your emotions in a time of need definitely builds up a relationship. An even more powerful example is when one character views the other character as that one person they always go to with their personal crap. They just KNOW that other character will be there for them.

Loyalty: Whether it’s the big bad or one of the characters themselves trying to thwart the affections of the other, nothing will stop them from taking their side and being there in that moment of need. This is the staunch refusal to betray the other character, consequences be damned. This can take a few forms:

Safeguarding: There’s no way they are going to let each other get hurt; whether from a betrayal of trust or from an physical assault on their person, they would rather take a bullet themselves than watch their partner in pain.

Through hell and high water: The big catastrophe is coming, and it’s absolutely terrifying. Most sane people would have hit the road at this point, but for some reason one of the lovers/friends has to face this demon, and their partner would rather die than let them face it alone. They might both be staring death in the face, but they will be doing it side-by-side.

I’ll save you from yourself: This one borrows quite a bit from trust, particularly the anti-hero example of having faith in the other character, and then mixes it nicely with agreeing to disagree. In this situation one character knows the choice they are making will not be a favorable one to their partner, but they HAVE to make this choice for their partner’s sake, even if they can’t see it yet. It is a very risky move, because it plays fast and loose with having respect for the other person, and if the “savior” character misjudges the situation it can backfire dramatically (read: tragically), but it is still a kind of loyalty; knowing that the person you are fighting for is still in there.

Compromise: No relationship is perfect, and due to previously mentioned autonomy, characters are bound to disagree from time to time. When this happens, one of them, or both of them, need to show a willingness to compromise in some way and to some extent. This is a fine line to tread because if a character is unwilling to compromise they come off as uncaring, but if they compromise too much they lose their sense of autonomy and self-respect. This aspect of love is all about how conflict is resolved between the characters; hopefully in a way that is both compassionate and dignified.

Willingness to sacrifice: A specific kind of compromise that is very powerful in a romance is the impulse to make great sacrifices for the other character unprompted. This could be a life or death situation, or it could be as simple as one character readily giving up their lunch when the other is left hungry. No argument or conflict inspired this action, but the giving character hardly notes it as a lose in light of their friend/lover’s gain.

Honesty: It should go without saying, particularly as a building block for trust, that a deep romance requires some honesty on the parts of those involved. This is probably the easiest aspect to play around with because humans are very messy creatures and we lie to ourselves and to each other for reasons that often seem harmless or even caring. Moving characters from a place of caution to a place of honesty builds a sense of growing intimacy as masks move aside and walls crumble.

Ok, what I listed so far are like… the foundational aspects of love. These bits here are more like the additional flavor packets of love:

Commonality: This is that initial spark that pulls the characters together in a romance. There should be *something* they have in common, something that they can relate to that peaks their interest and acts as a starting point or focal point for their relationship in general. This could be:

An interest: Maybe they have the same hobby and started getting to know each other on a deeper level after they raved rabidly over their hobby together. Maybe they were already on friendly terms and discover that, “Holy crap! You love (insert interest) too!” and that got them talking. Maybe they are already lovers, and they take an interest in something together and it brings them closer. Make sure it is an interest they both have FUN with. Participating in mutual fun breeds feelings of bonding. Yay oxytocin!

A similar background/baggage: Having a history that the other character can relate to can be a powerful bridge to deeper intimacy. Maybe they were both military brats? Maybe they both lost a mother at an early age? Maybe they have both overcome abusive partners? It doesn’t even have to be a tragic connection; it could be that they both raised horses on a farm in Connecticut only a few towns away from each other, but having a relatable history gives them a jump-start to greater insight into the other’s perspective. They can understand each other more intuitively because of it.

Reminiscence: This is like having a similar background, except that it is EXACTLY having the same background. They both shared some experience together, and now this shared moment gives each of them insight into the other character’s thoughts and feelings. They already know how much this event changed the other character, because they witnessed it, or they changed too. Maybe these characters have already known each other for years before they become romantic, or maybe they went through a war together, or started a comedy duo and made it big in Vegas. Now they have something important that they can refer to; “just like old times”.

Need: Last, but certainly not least, we get into la pasión! This… doesn’t have to be lust, but it can be lust. Most of the time it will involve lust. (Asexual romance is totally valid, too! And this subject can be approached from a completely non-sexual way! Just, it’s less common… which means someone out there totally needs to be creating more of this, but that person is probably not me...) This concept revolves around there being a strong repercussion to the characters being together; or not being together. Some part of them is fulfilled or destroyed by the presence or lack of presence of the other character:

Being bereft in some way without them: I probably don’t even need to list examples here; this is the age old “I can’t live without you” line. Do es it have to be that dramatic? No. As a matter of fact, if the characters are very strong, independent, and autonomous people they can likely live without the other person BUT they will never be the same without them. This is very important! Love doesn’t leave a person unchanged when it sweeps into their life! If a character can go back to business as usual when their friend/lover is taken/leaves then it probably wasn’t love.

Lust: That indescribable PULL to be with the other character. Maybe this manifests in needing to be close in a non-sexual way; cuddling, emotional intimacy, intellectual stimulation. Maybe it is a sexual desire that is fueled by more than physical pleasure; that absolute necessity to be as close as possible; to be one with that person in every way. This aspect alone does not constitute love, but it can be a mighty effective way to show love between two characters.

So… that is basically my breakdown of the ingredients that makes me fall head-over-heels in love with a romantic pair. I pretty much used my iconic OTP of romantic life goals to flesh out this analysis (Shakarian) because I wanted to understand WHY I was so irrevocably moved by their relationship even years after I have moved on from the Mass Effect fandom. I hope that maybe I can work to apply these concepts to fics I’m writing with pairings from other fandoms; particularly in the case where there is NO canon romance to build from. All of these concepts can be turned on their heads to build conflict in a relationship; either with the goal of working towards a healthier relationship, or to tear a couple apart in ugly fits of unhealthy angst. You know… whatever floats your boat (read: fits your story).

I hope I was able to help others in some way with this. There are probably better guides/lists/analyses out there on this subject, but I haven’t read them (or tried searching for them), and this was my take on it -- for better or worse.