#I thought about waiting til the last ep to ~ possibly ~ update it but ..

[wandasmaximoff]

WANDAVISION + timeline

[storiesofsvu]

Hidden Desires Ch 11

Alex Cabot x reader Warnings: Language. Angst, major character.... "death". Mentions of the ep “Loss”. #sorrynotsorry

Alex spent the next few days back and fourth between the precinct, her office, the DEA’s office and more private meetings than she could count. She was honestly relieved that she’d been advised (and on other topics very strongly warned) to not talk to anyone about the Zapata case that wasn’t currently working on it. She knew you were overwhelmed already and the last thing she wanted to do was give you another reason to be stressed out, she was thankful you’d handed the case off to her before anyone realized how deep things were about to get, she wasn’t sure that you would’ve been able to handle it. Not that you weren’t good at your job, but you were wearing pretty thin already.

So when you’d asked how it was going, she simply said she couldn’t talk about it, you, being buried in a mountain of paperwork at your desk simply gave a small nod, leaning into the kiss she laid on your cheek before she had to take off to see Granger. You briefly shot a few text messages back and fourth throughout the day. You updated her that you won the first of the four cases you were taking to trial. She mentioned that she was likely going to be out much later than she’d intended, and didn’t want you to wait up, knowing how tired you were. You sent her one mentioning there was extra leftover take out in the fridge waiting for her before one reminding you that you loved her, and that you were going to bed. You thought you wouldn’t be able to sleep without her beside you but you were so exhausted all it took was a small melatonin and you were out like a light.

And while you were blissfully unaware, completely surrendering to dreamland, Alex was sitting on the bumper of an ambulance, no longer worried about the direction this case was going, but utterly scared. She was worried for you, for her Mother, for herself, thankful when Olivia interrupted her downward spiraling thoughts, telling her she was going to drive her home. She was more thankful for the squad car outside the apartment, giving Olivia a soft good night before she made her way upstairs.

Doing her best to be as quiet as possible she took a moment to check in on you, relieved to see your sleeping form curled up on the bed. She leant over, kissing your forehead softly, stroking at your cheek, smiling at the way your lips twitched at the contact, even deep in sleep. God did she ever love you. She was more than thankful now that aside from Sonya and Donnelly you’d decided to keep your relationship completely private from other work friends, that hopefully there was no way for anyone to link you to her, that hopefully nothing would end up happening to you, because god knows she would do anything to protect you. She knew there was no way she’d be able to sleep yet, taking an hour or so to unwind, a hefty glass of scotch accompanied the take out you’d left for her as she tried to think of anything but the events of the previous few hours.

It felt like it had only been minutes since she’d closed her eyes when you gently tugged out from underneath her limbs. She felt your lips hit her cheek before you shuffled off to the bathroom and the sound of the running water lulled her back into a doze. Alex didn’t have to be in court til nearly past noon, and you had an early morning hearing to get prepped for. You made sure to leave a plate of food in the fridge for her, the coffee left hot in the pot for her when she finally did get up. You’d ever so slightly woken up when she’d crawled into bed the night before and you knew it was much later than you’d thought, giving her more time to sleep in.

As you pulled on your blazer you perched on the side of the bed beside a still sleeping Alex, leaning over her to kiss her forehead, murmuring out a quiet ‘I love you’ that she grumbled out in return. You brushed a strand of hair off her face and frowned at the small cut on her cheekbone, wondering what the hell happened after she left your office. Not wanting to fully wake her (and knowing you might not have time to get into it anyway) you pressed a feather light kiss right above it before leaving the house.

The day ended up being much more boring that you’d thought, and much easier than you’d expected. The motions Buchanan had filed for were denied practically right off the bat, giving you enough time for a coffee before you returned to face off against him for another case. At least you weren’t the only one being overworked this time? He spent most of the day pulling up character witness after character witness for his client, you easily dismantled two of them without even having to move from your chair and the Judge adjourned by three p.m.

Alex’s day started off with dropping the charges against Zapata, but only because the fed’s had a much stronger case, and were waiting in the courtroom to arrest him immediately. She briefly checked your office, only to run into Sonya said you’d left for the day already. Checking her phone she realized she had a few missed texts from you, she replied inviting you to join her with the squad for drinks at the end of the day, but you politely declined. You may have been whittling down your case load finally, but there was still a lot to sort through and Buchanan was trying to drown you with paperwork. You told her to have fun, she said she wouldn’t be too late, she wasn’t planning on missing out on cuddles tonight.

*

It was well past midnight when you finally heard keys clinking in the lock, your head not looking up from the files you’d distracted yourself with.

“That was a long two rounds.” You murmured, highlighting a line in the file.

“Y/N?” A familiar voice, that didn’t belong to your girlfriend pulled your attention, “I didn’t realize you and Alex were roommates.”

“Benson?” You gave a small laugh at her statement, you were kind of surprised Alex hadn’t told her, the two were pretty close.

“I-sorry. I need the bag Alex had with her yesterday. Any chance you know where it is?”

“Chair in the bedroom, end of the hall.” Your head tilted slightly in confusion. It was after midnight, a Detective was in your apartment, who seemed a little more frazzled than usual, and your girlfriend wasn’t home yet. Then again, this was Special Victims, you figured they’d caught a case or interrupted something during their night out and Alex needed whatever was in her bag and didn’t want to disturb you.

“Thanks.” The brunette gave a small nod as she headed down the hall, grabbing the bag. You watched her head do a double take as she passed the second bedroom, the one you’d refurnished into an office long before you and Alex had gotten together. She returned to the kitchen where there was more light to dig through the bag, eventually pulling out a small revolver.

“What the fuck?!” She certainly had your attention now, “why the fuck does Alex have a gun?!”

“Cragen gave it to her after they blew up the DEA agent last night.”

“I’m sorry, the what??” What the hell had Alex been keeping from you, at least now you knew where the cut on her face must’ve been from. Olivia paused, looking up at you and you could swear you could see redness around her eyes. “What the fuck is going on?”

“Alex…didn’t tell you?”

“I‘ve been swamped,” you gestured to your paperwork, “she came to bed after I was asleep, I left for a hearing before she woke up.”

“Fuck…” Olivia muttered to herself, making the realization. You weren’t roommates, and you weren’t just sitting up waiting for her for girl talk after a night out, “you and Alex…?”

“She’s my girlfriend.” You stated clearly, “we kept it quiet, the people who needed to know were told. Alex said she couldn’t talk about the case, I didn’t press it.”

Olivia always hated having this conversation, from the day she started in the academy she hated seeing the anguish in the victims family’s eyes as she had to stay in control. But this wasn’t just any family, this was a partner, someone she knew from work, someone she would have to see practically daily and pretend to be okay in front of. And the victim had been one of her friends, one of her close friends, none of this was going to be easy.

“Liv what the fuck is going on? It’s the middle of the night and you’re in my apartment instead of my girlfriend, you’re pulling secret guns out of her purse? Where is Alex?” Olivia let out a shaky breath, raising a hand to brush back her hair as she struggled to pull herself together and that’s when you saw it.

The sleeve of her jacket was coated in red, the usually sparkling ring she had on stained crimson. Your hand instinctively shot to your face as you let out a gasp.

“Please…please tell me that is not her blood.” Your voice shook, tears beginning to blur your vision as Olivia met your gaze, her tears pooling in her eyes.

“It was a drive by…outside the bar.” She let out a shaky sigh, “I’m so, so sorry.” A choked sob escaped your lips, you instantly felt your body shrink, curling around itself.

“She’s…” you couldn’t even get the word out, not wanting to speak it into existence, thinking that maybe there was someway that if you just believed hard enough, she’d walk through the door any second.

“Died on the table, the bullet shredded an artery.” Olivia hesitantly moved toward you, relieved when you nearly darted into her outstretched arms, sobs shuddering through your body as you buried yourself against her.

“It should’ve been me…” your voice was shaking, muffled by her coat and dripping with tears.

“No…no it shouldn’t have been.” She did her best to comfort you, a hand softly stroking at your hair, “it should have been no one. We should’ve caught the guy.”

“No.” You pulled away, wiping tears off your face the best you could, “it was my case…I begged her to take it! Fuck…” a sob wracked through your body, “this is all my fucking fault. I should’ve realized how dangerous it was, gotten her to take one of my other cases.” You turned back to face Liv, “Alex is dead because of me…”

“Honey don’t think like that.” She pulled you back into a hug, tighter this time to try and reassure you, letting her words sink in before your brain began to spin the worst thoughts up. She began to speak again but was interrupted by her phone pinging. “I can tell them I need to stay if you want?”

“No.” You instantly pulled away, grabbing a sweater from the back of the couch, “I’m coming with you, I need to know everything you’ve got.”

“You…can’t work this case…you’re too close to it.” She was surprised when you spoke again that your voice had hardened suddenly, a complete shift in your demeanour.

“The D.A’s office doesn’t have the same rules as NYPD, and last time I checked, I don’t work for NYPD.” You grabbed your bag and your keys, “besides, do you really think Stabler would trust Sonya with this?”

Olivia sighed, knowing that you were right on both parts. Sure, there would definitely be some push back from Cragen if he found out about your relationship, but at least they’d have a more than competent A.D.A on the case. And at least you’d have something to distract yourself with, something to make it feel like it wasn’t entirely your fault that the love of your life was dead. That you could maybe move past this if you could get her and her family some closure, get yourself some closure if you threw the bastard behind bars for life.

Truthfully, part of you really wanted to curl up in a ball and sob until you had no fluids left in your entire body. But there would be time for that later, right now you had to do what Alex would’ve done and fight like hell, even if your heart was shattering into a million pieces the entire time. You’d finally discovered what real love could feel like, and if someone was going to dare take that away from you, you were going to make sure they felt just as miserable as you did for the rest of their lives.

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP: S1 - CLARKEMAN ENDGAME

This is part of my ZEP: S1 Thoughts Master Post

Here’s the new & updated long analysis post for ZEP S1. This one features the whole season, all 12 episodes.

Just me...dissecting & analyzing the storyline...with focus on Zoey & Team Max. But since the stories are so intertwined, there’s Zoey/dad & Zoey/Simon talk, too. Among other things...relevant to it all...

ZEP: MAX & ZOEY -  THOUGHTS 1 [LINK HERE]  

WHY TEAM MAX IS ENDGAME

THE LOVE TRIANGLE

I hear the showrunner & the characters talk about a “love triangle”, yet I don’t see one (just confused, grieving people). I hear them talk about a deep emotional bond between Z&S, and yet I don’t see it on screen. I see a pretty shallow connection due to their dads - “grief bond” with no actual deeper connection. And though I personally don’t “feel” that they actually feel attraction to the other, I’m willing to admit that perhaps each truly thinks they do…and actually find the other attractive. But nonetheless the story, to me, has clearly been told in a way that showcases the differences of the two men in her life.

One thing that kinda supports my theories is that while we & Zoey have heard Max sing her actual “love songs” (revealing that the connection they have is love, friendship, romance), then Simon’s “heart songs” have been mostly related to his grief (”Should I stay or should I go” is kinda an exception here). Meaning their connection is based on that, and his grief is what she’s supposed to help him with. All S’s songs have been about his inability to deal with the loss of his dad, and the problems in his life & relationship that have come from this. Which is why I’m still a bit confused why the show is calling it a love triangle, when it doesn’t really seem to be.

Since they all sing their innermost thoughts, and the songs are related to the feelings they have, and connected to the “problem” Zoey is supposed to help them with, then for Simon that seems to be “everything grief related” (he’s still not dealing with the loss, and it affected his relationship with Jessica..etc)…and I don’t understand why Zoey isn’t more actively helping him with that…instead focusing on “do I possibly have romantic feelings for the man?”, when she & Mo established that if she doesn’t help the person who she hears sing with their problem… that’s not good. I think THIS is the thing that has “confused” me. (but we all know network shows love their love triangles and such drama, so they have to play it like that..). So I really hope that in the coming eps we will see Z. help S. deal with his grief (she has her family, Mo & Max…who help her, but S. doesn’t seem to have any support system…) and “fix him”.

Good news for one team, perhaps not so good for the other team.

Based on everything we’ve seen on the show (the storytelling, the promotional materials, the spoilers)… everything points to Max/Zoey being the endgame. I’ve seen many fans (both those who support Team M & those who support Team S), say that they get the same message from the storytelling. It does seem to be the clear message from the show…no matter how they get there..or when…

The “proof”:

First: The actor who portrayes Max is billed higher (probably mostly cause he’s done more well-known musical projects before than the other actor), and he’s featured in much more promotional materials (promo pics, posters, promo videos…) and in more central role, than the other actor. The promotion is vastly focused on M/Z. They use those characters & actors… a lot…for promotion. That suggests only one thing.

Second: They told us the premise of Zoey’s future relationships in the Pilot already via this Max/Zoey conversation:

Zoey: I have a long history of — what do you call my past relationships again? –

Max: – “Unnecessarily complicated, exhausting for everybody, the opposite of good”?

Zoey: Yeah. Those things. Which is why this time I’m just gonna take things slow, and wait for the right “in”

And with Zoey/Simon thing has been just a repeat of her past experiences which she claims she doesn’t want to re-live again, and this show is all about her growth as a character/person, this cannot be the endgame. Even if they’d reveal that S/J have broken up… all that’s already happened has followed this exact description (see Max’s quote)

Third: While Zoey sang her heart song to Max and they had a moment for themselves (though..let’s be honest…they get interrupted so much that others in the office must’ve overheard a lot by now…), the heartsong to Simon seemed to be more like a setup for having Max see it. And while both songs are about her deepest, secret feelings/desires… and there’s truth in both, then the way the scenes were set up makes it seem like she sang to her best friend to make him aware of how she really feels (what he said in the previous ep: he needs to know/get a respose from her…and this gave him that). But the other song was meant to be overheard by her best friend…and that was the goal of the song/scene (not the song itself, but that he saw). Again pointing to the show going for Max as the endgame.

Fourth: The triangle is as follows: Both Max & Simon like Zoey, but she only really likes one of them. Both men sang heart songs to her (Max = I think I love you, Sucker, If I can’t have you, 500 miles), and she sang to both…but different songs. Simon sang “If you say that you are mine, I’ll be here ‘til the end of time” in 1x05, so it’s coming from his side. Zoey in 1x08 sang “I’m Yours” to Max (that her heart is his), but she sang “I want you to want me” to Simon (not that she wants him, but she wants him to want her). As her best friend explained it - one is about love, the other physical attraction. But… if you listen to the lyrics more closely then based on them she’s singing about how she saw S. crying & all alone (1x01) and how that affected her, compared to singing to M. how she’s “caught feelings”. So she’s only actually interested in Max, as her feelings for Simon are not mutual (beyond the grief bond). One is one-sided and more “superficial”, the other is mutual and more “serious”.

Fifth: While we’ve seen that Zoey thinks she’s caught feelings for Simon (what she told her mom at the engagement party), and she hasn’t really admitted this to anyone besides her mom, she seems to not see it as a good thing. She also claims to both Max & Simon that she doesn’t really have feelings for Simon/wasn’t aware of her feelings and/or that she’s basically over it… so kinda “little white lies”. She seems to think they have a sort of connection and/or she seems to find him attractive…despite realizing that it cannot happen because he’s engaged. (and before Simon went and took the wrong step, he said the right thing - they leaned too much on each other about their grief, and they should just go back to co-workers, and that’s all. Sadly…that was changed because of the “glitch” that mislead…people). But… we also saw that she is fighting against having feelings for the morally questionable engaged man, cause she probably realizes it’s a bad idea.

Sixth: All this time, but especially in the last episode, the show has tried to show the two men in her life differently, and show the differences in their “relationships” with Zoey. It’s a very classic “fairytale story” that follows often-used “clichees”. They’ve shown how the two are different, and how the connection between both “ships” is different. And everything points to them starting to make the difference even more clear. By now they all are aware of each others feelings…to some point… and both men are aware that they’re both competing for her interest.

And she’s aware that she is interested in both… but in different ways, and for different reasons. And again they used Max to vocalize the choice before her - will she choose physical attraction without deeper connection or love and deeper emotional connection…AKA “new attractive co-worker who went through what shes going through VS her best friend, who is always there for her…no matter what. The options were made clear, now it’s her decision. And it’ll depend a lot on how each man will act from now on…at the most difficult time in her life (she’s now really going to lose her dad).

If Simon will try to make advances based on the heart song she sang, which gave outmixed signals AND at the same time Max will continue being a good friend (as we saw in 1x08…despite their dispute) then that’ll make Z/S grow furher apart and Z/M grow closer. And since it’s all become too complicated and messy for everyone… then it’s very possible all this will get to Jessica, and break those two apart. But… that’s IMO gonna be the opposite from making the path clear for S/Z. To have Simon as a character grow they need to have him deal with his grief, and all that. The Simon vs Max thing is a lot like Leif/Tobin thing… where the peer reviews made one become sketchy and start playing games, and the other start working on bettering themselves. I expect similar differences of paths taken for S & M. Especially because we’ve not only seen Tobin 2.0, but also Max 2.0 (and we’ll see more of that..in coming eps)

Seventh: We ve heard spoilers than in the S1 finale there will be a “heart song” for/from/with one of the two and Zoey. From how the scene is decribed it sound more like something fitting to Max (Max/Zoey). Which fits with how the season and story has been built so far. That seems to also confirm where they’re taking it. Cause…they’ve established that just like on most shows the main character HAS TO have a love interest, and so far they’ve only introduced two  options.

Other reasons why Zoey will most likely choose “love” over “physical attraction” (in the end, even if she’ll choose differently for now):

We saw Zoey’s reaction when she found out that S. had a SO/was engaged - she ran. And though she might find him attractive (physically)…as she found out via her heart song in 1x08, and she might feel a connection to him (because of the heart song she heard him sing in 1x01), she hasn’t shown interest in actually being with him… because she knows he’s taken. And also because she’s not really in the right place to start a relationship. She/They may not realize it, but they don’t have much more in common than grief - that’s the center of their bond (for now). Despite her interest/attraction to him & her thinking she “likes” him…

This is also why it’s easier for her to admit she has/had feelings for Simon, but she’s having trouble admitting…to herself (and Mo) & to Max that she may have feelings for her best friend. There’s nothing to lose with the first, but a lot to lose with the second. She’s afraid (and she varbalized it at the end of 1x07) that something could not go well… etc

While Max was not at all ready to meet his dates (Autumn) parents, because it’s a huge step and he just wan’t ready for it, he has met his best friends parents, and is welcome at their home. And there’s no feelings of meeting the parents being such “next level step”. We saw this when he brough her dad pudding to eat & when he helped carry the bed downstairs. It was also mentioned that he’s been part of the extended family for a while - welcome to family events (Christmas, barbeques..). Zoey’s father - the most important person in her life until now - is definitely on the man’s side, who brings him pudding (cause he’s paid attention that he can only eat soft food) and visits him & helps out. And her dad’s opinion is very important to Zoey, so…

She is completely at easy with Max seeing her with a facemask on, eating take-out, alone, at home, but she hides it (the true self) from Simon. She wears “a mask” with Simon, but doesn’t with Max. Same with how she didn’t tell Simon about her dad in 1x08 (brushing it off: hospital = lollipop), while telling Max that her dad had an apointment that morning. And though it did take her time to find the courage to tell him about it all in detail, she did..in the end. But from the start she shared the main info even if she didn’t tell what exactly happened and how she feels about it. She didn’t completely brush it off with him…even if the news made her unable to process and share it…right away.

We saw how she resisted her personal heart songs to Leif/Joan & to Simon, while being completely at ease with singing them to her best friend (Max) and her dad (Mitch). Cause if we leave out the big dance numbers (Crazy, Pressure), then she tried stopping herself  from singing the others…the personal songs… and/or apologized for what’s to come…with Simon, too. But with Max (and her dad) the song just came to her…without the need to apologize or resist it. And afterwards she just tried to claim it didn’t mean as much, because she’s just in denial (and not really ready to start a relationship…because right now she is going through stages of grief). There’s a huge difference in both the heart songs she sang & HOW she sang them.

And we’ve seen that she really appreciates him as a friend, and as she told him - she can’t lose him as a friend…she needs him in her life. She cares about his feelings. She is afraid she gave him the wrong impression, she runs after him to explain things to him, because she knows that he got hurt. She actually cares about him…and is feelings (as a friend). And they’ve not shown the same reaction with Simon. And though the friends to one-sided to more-than-friends trope is “an overused clichee”, it isn’t necessarily bad. It can work well. Examples: Mondler on Friends, Peraltiago on B99…

Max may have the advantage of having known her longer, and knowing her better (because they’ve been friends for 5 years), and hence she’s more comfortable around him. And…that’s the reason why she let him in on her superpower secret, and why she tells him about…things. But… that’s precisely why she should and will choose Max over Simon. (He’s been there for her…always…and he continues to be there for her…through this hard time in her life.)

We saw how even though he was upset with her (for keeping secrets from him, from setting him up with someone  else when she knew about his feelings for her…just because she didn’t dare to be honest with him & communicate…and hearing her sing to another person, too…) he was still there for her. A shoulder to lean on…literally and figuratively. He came to her rescue when she put her job at risk (singing Pressure), he gave her her mom’s message and supportive advice regarding her dad… And though there’s a hint of competitiveness that he seems to feel after the 1x07 elevator end scene (where we saw that both men seem to think they’ll be the end choice), and him wanting some kind of response from her, the 1x07 end scene and other moments have shown us that he’s willing to wait til she’s ready.

Especially…since in 1x07 he felt like it’s unfair that she can see into his heart and knows how he feels about her, he doesn’t. But in 1x08 he got to see into her heart (because even though she’d promised to always be honest with him from now on… she wasn’t fully… for a bit… and the “glitch” made her break her promise…til the evening), and it’s more “fair”. He now isn’t as in the dark, and less uncertain. I think the glitch was good for him, because he now knows how she really feels. All he wanted was an honest answer. And though it’s undertandable that he’s a bit hurt by what he’s heard & seen lately… but in the end it was beneficial. As Mo put it… he deserves an answer…no matter what it is…

I get the feeling that by now Zoey’s actually aware that she has feelings for her best friend. She might’ve not been aware of it all until he sang the first heart song to her, but after that we’ve clearly seen that she has either started to realize she actually has feelings for him or that she’s started to have feelings for him. She showed signs of jealousy when he was with Autumn (seeing them talking at the coffee shop, dancing at the club…). She couldn’t stop staring at him when she walked in during the Mo’ Makeover…indicating clearly that she finds him also physically attractive. Not to mention the emotional connection, and friendship. All the looks she gives him, her song & dance during “I’m Yours”… all for him…

And she cares about his feelings & not hurting him (running after him when he sees her heart song to Simon…) The look she has, when he brings her dad pudding & when she sees him with her dad or when  she hears him sing “500 miles”, or the looks and giggles when she sings her heart song to him…. While she’s in no place in a relationship at this time, I think she’s realized that despite her grief and emotional state she’s developing feelings for her best friend. And that… just like what’s going on with her dad, seems to scare her.