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lofitowns · 5 years

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a miracle and a tragedy - e. kaspbrak

❝ HE HAD THOSE KIND EYES THAT SAID ‘EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY’ ❞

in which you love him and he loves you. but that can’t save him. (fem! reader)

fandom ; it (2017) / (2019)

word count ; 4411 (it’s a long one boys)

warnings ; cussing + character death :(

(y/n) - your name :: (y/n/n) - your nickname

i haven’t written in forever! so here’s a little come back. if you see any mistakes, please tell me! i didn’t really reread this after i wrote it lol

you love him, you do.

You were 15 years old when you realized you were in love.

1991

You were sitting on your bed, paper and pens and pencils spread all over. You were seriously stressed out. Your freshman year was coming to a close and finals were starting next week and you had no idea what you were doing.

It was a Saturday, you should be hanging out with the losers but your dad had told you if you didn’t get good grades on these finals, you wouldn’t be able to hang out with them at all over the summer.

You checked your bedroom clock, it was only 2pm. Your dad wanted you to study until at least 4pm. This was exhausting.

There was a sudden tapping on your window making you turn your attention to that. There was Eddie Kaspbrak. Thank god your room was on the first floor. He definitely wouldn’t have been able to get up if it was on the second.

You raised an eyebrow at him as he waved through the window. You laughed at his big grin as you made your way over to open it.

“Hey! Can I come in?” He asked, looking up at you.

“Eds, you know my dad wants me to study.”

“Yeah, well, I can be your study buddy! We have some of the same classes, I can help.”

You debated it for a few seconds before finally taking the screen off and letting him in.

He climbed inside, almost falling to the floor, but you caught him.

“You’ve gotta be quiet though, my parents are just down the hall.”

You studied in mostly silence for a while, every so often you would look up to ask him a question and he would already be looking at you. This made you blush.

“God, Eddie. I’m so stressed out about this. What if I fail all of them and then I can’t see you guys over the summer?”

“Okay, first off, you’re literally the smartest person in our friend group. You’re definitely going to pass. Secondly, even if you do fail, I’m going to come visit you every single day. And I’ll bring all your favorite stuff and movies and I’ll hide when your parents come to check on you. How about that?”

A smile tugged at the corners of your lips as the boy spoke. You felt like you might cry. No one had ever said anything like that to you before.

“Yeah, that sounds great.”

That’s when you knew you were in too deep with this boy.

and here’s the miracle: he loves you too.

He was 13 years old when he realized he was in love.

1989

“I can’t go home like this guys. My mom will kill me.” The small boy, Eddie Kaspbrak, said with a face covered in grime.

“Dude, you’ve been gone for 24 straight hours. Your face is definitely on a milk carton by now,” Richie joked making Eddie’s face fall in terror, “Also, that puke smells worse than your mom’s slippers.”

“Oh, shut up, Richie,” You interjected, Eddie noticed you were gripping the handlebars of your bike to the point your knuckles were white.

“Okay, first of all, my mom’s slippers smell like potpourri, asshole,” Eddie retorted as everyone started to wheel their bikes down the main street of Derry.

You all started joking, just like normal. Like you hadn’t just crawled out of the sewer after fighting a child-eating clown.

Everyone started going their separate ways, going to their respective houses, until Eddie was left alone with you. Your house was just around the corner from his so it wasn’t unusual for you to walk home together. But, Eddie felt different this time. He wanted to make sure you got home safe and you were okay.

Your words interrupted his thoughts, “Do you want to come to my house? To clean up so your mom doesn’t freak out even more,” You offered, keeping your eyes on the bike wheel you were guiding next to you.

Eddie’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally answered, “Yeah, sure.”

When you arrived at your house, you checked to see if your parent’s car was in the garage before dropping your bikes in the front lawn. Eddie watched you move the small cat statue on the first step of your house to grab your spare key. You unlocked the door and led him up to your bathroom, grabbing a towel from the hall closet on your way.

Eddie sat on the seat of the toilet, following you across the room with his eyes as you turned on the tab, trying to get the temperature right, before wetting the towel and putting soap on it.

You made your way back over to him, kneeling down. When you started scrubbing his face, his breath hitched in his throat. He kept his eyes on you as you continued your work, focused. You also reached up and tried to get some of the puke out of his hair.

“Sorry, I don’t think I can do anything about the smell. Or your clothes. You’ll have to go home for that,” You told him, turning around to get some of the grime off the towel. You also grabbed a few bandaids and another washcloth with soap and water to clean his smaller cuts. Good thing he didn’t have any major wounds, not like Stanley.

Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Not because of an asthma attack, not because he had just fought a killer clown, because the girl he liked was sitting so close to him. If he just leaned in...

The brunette boy cleared his throat, averting his eyes away from you.

When you announced you were done, Eddie quickly asked if you wanted him to help clean yourself up. He wanted to stay here with you longer. He knew his mother wouldn’t let him out of the house until school started, even if he just said he was at Bill’s and fell into a puddle or something.

“It’s fine, Eds. Go make sure your mom knows you’re alive so she doesn’t actually put your face on a milk carton,” You joked, sending him a weak smile.

Eddie let out a small chuckle, his eyes trained on you. You let out a small awkward laugh, reaching up to rub the side of your neck. He saw you open your mouth to say something, but he just moved forward and took you in his arms.

“Hey, you’ll get dirty again,” You pointed out playfully, but none the less, hugged him back.

Eddie could have stayed there forever. He didn’t even care that you both smelled like sewer or that his mom was probably freaking out. He didn’t know what he would do if something had happened to you.

He slowly pulled away, looking at your face. You were looking at him too.

“I’ll see you later, yeah?” You asked, smiling softly at him.

“Yeah, of course.”

Eddie walked past you, walking back out your front door. Once it was closed, he let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. God, he was in love with you.

you are allowed to have him.

1992

It was Christmas break. There were still three days until Christmas but Bev was leaving to see family in Portland tomorrow and you all wanted to give each other presents.

You were squished between Richie and Eddie on the plush couch in your living room, watching A Christmas Story. Ben, Bev, and Bill sat on the floor in front of you, if you looked close enough, you could see her pinkie finger resting on Ben’s hand. Stanley was sitting on the chair next to the lit fireplace but was still curled up under a blanket. Mike sat in the chair on the other side of the couch, resting his head on his hand.

You shivered, causing Eddie to switch his attention to you.

“Are you cold?” He whispered as to not disturb the others.

You nodded and in response. He turned around and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. He leaned over and spread it over the two of you. You sent him a grateful smile, your heart starting to flutter as he hesitantly laid his hand on yours under the blanket.

You had had a crush on the boy since you started middle school. He had always been there for you, especially after everything had happened with Pennywise. His laugh was like music to your ears and you always wanted to keep a smile on his face.

Your eyes kept switching from the TV screen back to Eddie, from the TV to Eddie. Your eyes finally decided to stay on the boy next to you. You felt like you hadn’t taken a good look at him in a while. His hair had started to curl more and it lightened a bit. He had grown too, you remember being at least four inches taller than him, but all of a sudden he shot up. He had stopped carrying around that dorky fanny pack when you started high school.

He turned his eyes to you, meeting your gaze. He moved ever so slightly to be closer to you, fulling wrapping his fingers around your hand.

The movie ended soon after and it was time for gifts. All of you moved to sit on the floor in a circle. You had done Secret Santa this year so you all didn’t have to buy seven different presents.

“Okay, I’ll start. I got Bill,” You announced, leaning over to him to hand him a rectangular parcel. He took it and quickly ripped the wrapping paper off. Inside was a blank sketchbook and a packet of colored pencils.

“T-Thanks, (y/n),” He sent you a warm smile, “I had M-Mike.”

Mike had Ben, Ben had Stan, Stan had Bev, Bev had Richie, and Richie had Eddie.

“And that means, Eddie had (y/n)!” Richie teased, nudging Eddie in the side with his elbow.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna give it to her later,” Eddie retorted, a flush coming to his cheeks.

A shit-eating grin grew on Richie’s face, “Oh I bet you are Eds.”

Eddie groaned, putting his face in his hands while the rest of the losers club laughed at him.

“Beep beep, Richie. And I told you not to call me that.”

“But (y/n) can call you that? Suspicious.”

It took a few more hours for the losers to start to leave. Richie tried to stay until Eddie gave you your present, but Bev made him leave, already knowing what you were getting. Eddie had asked her what he should get you since the two of you were so close.

“Alright, what’s this thing you couldn’t give me in front of the losers?” You asked, pulling him down to sit on the couch facing each other.

Eddie chewed his lip nervously, holding the wrapped rectangle in his hands.

“Okay, please don’t laugh.”

“Of course I’m not going to laugh, Eds.”

He took a deep breath, pushing it across the couch cushion to you. You took it in your hands, taking the wrapping off of it.

It was a small brown book.

You furrowed your eyebrows, looking up at him. Eddie made a gesture to open it, so you did. It took your breath away.

Inside were pages filled with pictures, notes, movie tickets from different times in your life with the losers. You let out a breathy laugh, smiling brightly as you flipped through it.

“Oh my god, Eddie. This... This is beautiful,” You told him, setting the book aside and reaching over to take him in your arms. He wrapped his arms around you in return, resting his head on your shoulder.

“Well, I’m glad you like it,” His words were muffled by your shirt, “You... You didn’t look at the last page though.”

You pulled away, reaching over to open the book again. You flipped all the way to the back, seeing a picture of Eddie and yourself that was obviously taken by one of the other losers. You were sitting together on someone's couch, your head was on his shoulder and he had his eyes trained on you, a genuine smile on his face.

Your eyes moved to a small patch of writing under the picture.

Do you like me back?

yes no

You let out a small giggle, reaching to the table next to the couch to grab a pen. You circled yes, closed the book, and pushed it back over to him.

The tips of Eddie’s ears turned red as he opened to the back of the book. A smile pulled at his lips, passing it back to you.

“Okay, well... Would you want to... Like, be my girlfriend?”

You let out another giggle, leaning over to him and pressing a short kiss to his cheek.

“Of course, Eds.”

Two and a half years later, you were all packed up for college and leaving in the morning. You had spent the whole night before with your friends, knowing it was going to be the last time you saw them for a while.

You walked back into your room from washing your face, looking around your near-empty room. You jumped at a sudden knock on your window.

Your eyebrows furrowed as you turned around. A laugh fell from your lips, rushing over to the window to open it. Eddie’s grinning face there to greet you.

“For old times sake, right?”

Eddie climbed through the window and followed you to your bed. You both laid on top of the blankets, Eddie wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you to him.

Neither of you spoke for a while, just wanting to cherish each other’s presence for the last time.

“I’m gonna miss you,” You spoke up, breaking the silence.

“I’m going to miss you so much more,” He answered, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “And after we graduate college, we’ll go away somewhere. New York, California, I’d go anywhere with you.”

You giggled, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, “I’d like that.”

You stayed like that until the sun started to rise.

“Shit,” The boy whispered, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, “I really need to get home.”

You nodded, getting up with him, “Eddie,” You called softly as he walked to the window.

He turned around as you walked towards him and planted your lips onto his.

Your hands cupped his cheeks, his right hand going to your hip and his left going to your cheek as well. The kiss didn’t last long enough for your liking when he pulled away.

“I love you,” He whispered.

“I love you.”

As he crawled out the window, you didn’t realize it would be the last time you saw him for 22 years.

and here’s the tragedy: it’s not enough.

2016

The lights of Jade of the Orient shined down on you as you worked up the courage to walk in.

It still baffled you how you could forget your whole childhood. Where you came from, your friends, your experiences. Eddie.

When you did push the door open, a young lady greeted you and brought you to a room towards the back. When walked in, there were already two men standing there.

“(y/n)?” One of them asked, stepping towards you. Bill.

“I’m so glad you made it,” The other greeted, taking you into his arms. Mike.

You let out a laugh, hugging him back. “Yeah, of course I came.” You broke away from him and pulled Bill into a hug as well.

Mike opened his mouth to speak when you all heard a voice behind you. You all turned around.

“I am allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, uh gluten, and if I eat a cashew I could realistically die,” The man told the waitress, making his way into the room.

He paused when he saw the three of you.

“Holy shit.”

“Good to see you too, Eds,” You greeted, quickly walking to him and taking him in your arms. He immediately pulled you closer. It felt warm and safe and like home.

“(y/n/n)?” He whispered in your hair.

You pulled away from him, giving him a warm smile.

Bill and Mike moved towards the two of you to give Eddie a hug as well. You made small talk while you waited for the others.

When they did get there, everything felt right. Richie hit the gong and announced the beginning of the meeting of the Losers Club.

“Look at these guys!” Eddie exclaimed, pointing at Beverly, Ben, and Richie.

Then you got drunk.

“So, wait, Eddie, you got married?” Richie asked, his shot glass falling out of his mouth. You were sitting in between him and Eddie

“Yeah, why’s that so fucking funny, dickwad?”

“What, to like a woman?”

“Fuck you, bro.”

“Fuck you!”

You let out a laugh, nudging Richie in the side with your elbow.

“And what about you, Trashmouth, you married?” Bill asked, leaning forwards.

“There’s no way Richie’s married!” You joked, holding your glass up to your lips.

“No, I got married,” He answered, looking serious.

“Richie, I don’t believe it,” Beverly retorted, eating a piece of chicken.

“When?” Eddie exclaimed, eyebrows raised.

“You didn’t hear about this?”

“No.”

“You didn’t know I got married? Yeah, no, me and your mom are very, very happy.”

Everyone around the table lost it, Bill choking on his drink and Beverly letting out a loud laugh and covering her mouth. You threw your head back in laughter, glancing over at Eddie who’s eyebrows were furrowed.

“Fuck you,” He pointed at Richie, taking a sip from the small bowl he was holding.

Richie wrapped an arm around your shoulders and leaned into your ear, starting to do a Jabba the Hutt impression.

You laughed and pushed him off, “Oh, leave him alone, Richie.”

While everyone was joking and laughing, Eddie turned to you.

“So, did you ever get married?” He asked, taking a sip of his drink.

You shook your head, “No, I just... Never met the right person, I guess,” You shrugged your shoulders.

Eddie nodded slowly, “Right. What do you do?”

“I actually work as a psychologist. I like being able to help people.”

“You were always the best listener,” He told you, making you giggle.

“So, you two are still in love,” Richie cut in, looking at the two of you.

Both of your faces flushed before you spoke, “Beep beep Richie.”

That night, you sat on your bed, blankly staring at the TV screen, it wasn’t even on. You kept seeing flashes of your younger self in your mind. A lot of them with a younger version of Eddie.

You jumped at the sudden knock on your door. Your eyes turned to the clock on the nightstand, 11:53pm.

You hesitantly walked over to it, cracking it open. There stood Eddie, looking at the floor. You opened the door fully.

He looked up at you, opening his mouth to say something but nothing came out.

“You wanna come in?”

He simply nodded, following you inside and closing the door behind him.

You both sat on the end of the bed where you had been moments before.

“Do you... Do you remember?” He finally broke the silence.

You nodded, getting the hint at what he was saying, and he set a hand on top of yours.

“I still love you. I know I didn’t even remember you until a couple days ago but I don’t want to go anywhere without you again,” Eddie confessed, turning to face you fully.

“Eds, you’re married.”

“Fuck her. I don’t love her, not like I love you. She’s basically my mother and I would leave her in a heartbeat for you.”

A smile tugged at your lips as you leaned into him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “ Okay.”

Eddie grinned, moving his hands to cup your cheeks, pulling you into another kiss.

you are allowed to count the constellations in his eyes as they blink out,

The house on Neibolt looked the same as you walked inside. The sewers felt the same too.

You emerged from a cave after escaping your fear. You were shaken but you knew your work was not done.

“Hey, fuckface!” You heard Richie yell from across the room. Pennywise dropped Mike who he was holding and turned to your trash mouth friend.

“Wanna play truth or dare? Here’s a truth, you’re a sloppy bitch! Yeah, that’s right! Let’s dance, yippee ki-yay mother-” He was cut off when Pennywise opened his mouth, showing him the deadlights.

A sound of distress fell from your lips as you saw one of your best friends rising into the air. You scrambled to get down from where you were standing when you saw Eddie run out of the cave behind Richie.

“Beep beep, mother fucker!” He yelled, throwing the spike he had been given at the clown.

It went straight in his mouth. You couldn’t look away as Pennywise stumbled back, landing on another spike that went through his back. You let out a shaky breath, turning your gaze back to Richie and Eddie.

“Holy shit! Rich!” Eddie exclaimed, turning back to the man on the floor. “Hey, Richie! Listen, I think I got him, man! I think I killed it! I did! I think I killed-” He was cut off. A scream passed your lips and everything felt like it was going in slow motion.

Pennywise stabbed Eddie through his back with one of his claws. He pulled him off of Richie and dangled him in the air, making taunting noises. A sob left your lips as tears started to fill your eyes.

With blurry vision, you watched the clown throw him into a cave and you had never run faster anywhere in your life. You slid down into the cave, your hands shaking as you helped Mike and Ben flip him onto his back.

Blood was pooling from his mouth and there was a gaping hole through his chest. You knelt in front of him, Richie shrugging off his jacket and handing it to you. You pressed it against his wound.

Pennywise clawed at the entrance, shouting at the seven of you.

“We have to get him out of here,” You pleaded, brushing some of his hair from his face.

“How are we supposed to do that, (y/n)?” Beverly asked, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

“I almost killed it,” Eddie said weakly, “The leper. My hands were at its throat. And I... Could feel him choking. I made him small. He seemed so weak.”

Mike and Beverly started making a plan when Ben came back and told you all there was a tunnel. The next minutes were a blur as you helped carry Eddie to a sheltered area while the other losers went to distract Pennywise.

“Oh my god, Eds,” You whispered, pulling the jacket back to look at his wound.

“It’s alright, I guess you’ll just have to clean me up again,” He spoke, referencing the time you did when you were younger and when Henry Bowers stabbed him in the face earlier that day.

You let out a watery laugh, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead.

“You gotta stay with me, we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? And we’ll go away like we said we would. I’d go anywhere with you.”

Eddie tried to smile, his lips completely covered in blood.

“I’d... I’d like that...” His voice trailed off and you let out a loud sob.

No, no no no no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. You had just gotten him back and he was going to be gone again.

“Eddie?” Your voice broke. He stilled but you could still hear shallow breaths. You needed to help your friends.

Your pain mixed with your anger as you looked over to where the losers had cornered Pennywise. You shot up, running over to them and ripping off the spiked arm the clown was trying to use to stab your friends.

The six of you circled around the monster that had tormented you, calling him a clown. Making him small.

Pennywise’s breaths were labored but he still brought out one more jump scare as Mike got closer to him. Your friend reached into the clown’s chest, pulling out his heart as he screamed.

Beverly grabbed onto the heart first and the rest of you followed.

“Look at you, you’re all grown up.”

You all squeezed, watching him shrivel up and everything started floating up.

It was finally dead.

You let out a breath as Beverly leaned onto your shoulder.

“Eddie,” You broke the silence, turning around and returning to his body.

The rest of the losers followed you as you knelt in front of him, taking his face in your hand.

“Eddie, hey Eds. We got it,” You whispered and when he didn’t respond, your heart shattered.

You heard Beverly let out a sob behind you, “(y/n)...”

“He’s gone,” Bill spoke.

“He’s alright, he’s just hurt. We gotta get him out of here,” You argued, turning to look at your crying friends.

“(y/n), honey... He’s dead.”

You turned to look at Bev, you knew. Of course, you knew. You didn’t want it to be true.

“We have to go, come on.”

You took the man you loved in your arms while Bill and Richie tried to get you to stand up. You cradled his head in your hands, crying in protest as they started to drag you away from his body.

The six of you rushed out of the sewers, out of Neibolt house, as it was collapsing around you. You almost tripped from rushing down the stairs, Richie’s hand still on your arm to keep you going.

As you watched the house crumble, you pulled against him, making Ben grab your other arm.

“He wouldn’t want to die in there,” You sobbed, finally collapsing from exhaustion into Richie’s arms. The man kept you standing, holding you and rubbing his hand over your hair as you cried.

You were 40 years old when you realized you had lost your love.

but you are not allowed to save him.

thank you for reading :) have a good day!

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iampikachuhearmeroar · 5 years

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okay, y’all, i’ve gotta back on my tl;dr bullshit soapbox about something:

so, the other day, i was just mindlessly scrolling through my corporate & capitalist hellscape facebook™️ (i.e. LinkedIn) and came across this totally trite mostly bullshit meme that was shared by some corporate executive search man (whose name i decided to crop out bc eh):

so i obviously agree with the last three points on this list, bc god yes my life would’ve been a bit better if I didn’t get all my dialogue about mental health only from teen mags and horrible portrayals in teen tv shows (and also this hellsite). and hell yeah everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs to learn that failure is okay many situations (like failing a class in uni or school) bc everyone fails at something sometimes. and dealing with failure is HARD. and time management is something that I’m pretty sure everyone lies to fuckin hell about on their resume, bc lots of people really suck at it, myself included. so yeah. that needs to be taught. and i also agree with the “how to manage your health” point. bc thats becoming ever more prevalent and important with career burn out etc.

but entrepreneurship? people management? conflict resolution? creativity? how to manage money? public speaking? like y’all. three of those ARE taught/learned in school, who the fuck wrote this meme?

for anyone who actually paid attention in maths class, (which is probably very few people outside of the top performing classes), there WAS A WHOLE FUCKING UNIT that focuses on financial maths (in australia anyway). I ignored this unit as well as maths in general at school, bc I generally hated maths and was convinced that I was somehow never going to get a job. but i remember the gist of the overall topic and its subtopics. one subtopic teaches you how to calculate your wages in various contexts (overtime, double-time and a half, holiday payments, im pretty sure maternity leave pay was jammed in somewhere? idk if other countries would have double time & a 1/2 like australia though). another subtopic teaches you how to calculate interest on bank loans and credit rates on credit cards. a third subtopic teaches you how to calculate savings (obvs in terms of discounts in shops)....im sure there was a bit about budgeting in there somewhere? im pretty sure there were some questions were about tax payments somewhere as a subtopic enrichment exercise? but you get my gist. are these not money management skills? in some sense? like if i could find one of my old maths textbooks or old maths books i’d give an example of a question, to make my point stronger. but the problem, like i said before, is that a load of people (myself included) just zone out in maths in high school and stop trying with it. they forget what they’ve learnt, and just remember how much they hated algebra and how they’ll never use it again. maths was one hell of a fucking strong bitch, guys. but maybe i’m wrong.

creativity? excuse me? have people forgotten about art classes? drama classes? english classes? music classes? need i go on? okay don’t get me wrong, most of these classes did focus a lot on memorising quotes or facts about people (artists/writers/poets/composers/dramatists etc) or specific periods/movements in art or theatre or literature for example.... but the amazing sculptures/paintings etc people created in art for their final projects in year 12, or even in year 10 were works of their imagination. the scripts people write in drama or maybe english (if you had a fun teacher who did a screenwriting unit, for example) are creative asf. especially in year 12 when they do their major projects, where they may produce a monologue or a short movie, and then there’s a group piece. drama students might even make their own costumes for these performances. LIKE AIN’T THAT A LOT OF CREATIVITY RIGHT THERE Y’ALL????? and english. lowly old english. THEY HAVE A WHOLE FUCKING TOPIC ON CREATIVE WRITING FOR FUCKS SAKE. the original music people might create for their final projects too in year 12? does that not count as creativity? like yes, i know a lot of these things do still have to meet bs assessment criteria (especially in catholic schools, where the main things are you don’t offend the catholic education office and jesus/god lmao) to be considered worthy of a mark for your year 12 exams. but FUCK. HOW THE FUCK AREN’T ANY OF THESE SUBJECTS COUNTED TOWARDS BEING CREATIVE???????? like fuck your corporate creative ideation or w/e bullshit, Callum. drama and english even lend themselves to improvisation in some instances, like public speaking, which is examined further, below.

next, we move on to public speaking. this shit is basically taught from the first goddamn day of “show & tell” in kindy/kindergarten, and this fucker has the gall to say that it’s not fucking taught in schools? someone call in miley cyrus/hannah montana to throw the fuck down in this motherfucking hoedown BC THIS STUPID-ASS MEME-FUCKER HAS NERVE. i hated public speaking. absolutely hated it. even though it was ironically one of the places i ended up excelling in in english classes. even when i fucked up in my english speeches with like “oh, fuck.... said nelson mandela, i’ve seem to’ve lost my palm card. wait, shit! there it is... excuse me while i pull it out of my ass. whoops, sorry miss” *bats eyes and finger guns at my year 9 english teacher who has her head in her hands and is done with my shit, while the class laughs at my gaffe* i’d still end up with like 73% or like 26/30. it was baffling. but for people who weren’t the class clown/smart alec like i was from years 7-10 (and like i actually wasn’t once i moved schools).... public speaking is like the leading cause of anxiety, right? like by the time i got to doing speeches/presentations at uni i was having panic attacks... the thought of presenting to my classes made me fucking sick with fear and anxiety. nearly every subject i did at uni (even when i tried to avoid subs with public speaking assessments) and throughout school had some type of presentation/speech whatever you want to call it project/activity in it. even fucking SPORT/PDHPE at school and even philosophy at uni. and these fuckers are saying its not taught in schools. FUCK OFF. like yeah, i get that they actually mean it in the professional sense.... where people can give the sappy bs motivational speeches or an insightful ted-talk worthy 20-minute presentation... or a great sales pitch. but like??? save that for mike “my dad phoned in to EY and i have a job waiting for me after uni” mcfuck in a business major or law degree? or for clubs like toastmasters? fuck. ok enough of the skills we learn in school. let’s move onto the businesslike-sounding ones of “people management”, “conflict management” and fucking “entrepreneurship”. like. what the fuck? okay in some sense people management and conflict management could potentially be used in managing friendships and relationships in your personal life. but like. i can feel the business underpinnings and i dont like it lmao. like why do you want fully functioning adults straight out of school, franklin? and there’s extra credit conflict management subjects at uni??? or at least my home uni had it... and i never did them bc they were intensive courses during summer break lol. but the one that pissed me off the most was entrepreneurship. LIKE ARE KIDS NOT FUCKING ALLOWED TO BE KIDS NOW????? well apparently: “NO! YOU MUST ALWAYS THINK OF MONEY MAKING WAYS TO BE RICH! YOU MUST BE ENTREPRENEURIAL!!!!!! YOU MUST GENERATE BUSINESS IDEAS FROM THE TIME YOU CAN FUCKIN’ WALK!!!!! AND SPEAK!!! CHILDHOOD AND BEING A TEENAGER DON’T EXIST WORKER BEE!!!! CAPITALISM FOR ALL!!!! WORKER BEES!!! CAPITALISM IS YOUR FRIEND!!! OWN A BUSINESS BY THE TIME YOU’RE 8 YEARS OLD!” like it’s insidious asf. and it doesn’t acknowledge that most entrepreneurs are already privileged people anyway, who usually have some type of money to start off their venture (or that’s what it feels like anyway). and yeah throw all the “THIS BOY IS AN ENTREPRENEUR AT 18!!! 18!!!???? BY STARTING HIS OWN BUSINESS AT 12!!!! WHAT A CHAMP! 😁🙃” clickbait news stories at me, but i don’t fucking care. the concept and perceived over-importance and almost preaching mindset of entrepreneurship is slowly becoming insidious and toxic asf. call me paranoid. but that’s what it feels like.

but with those last three topics, i want to make a point that school curriculum’s (in australia at least, and probably worldwide) are so jam-packed already with sport (which is pointless and shitty), geography (ok how to read maps is important, but i never bothered to learned to do it properly), history, science, english etc etc etc..... that like.... where the actual fuck are the gonna jam the above bs (people management”, “conflict management” and entrepreneurship) into the curriculum???? and also teachers are already over-worked enough as it is, they don’t need another load of shitty subjects pushed onto them. and they sure asf don’t earn enough (especially in the states) to have this bs pushed into their subject schedules either. keep them at uni, where they should be. or just in the workplace/in the general public where they belong. and if people suggest that you could probably push these subjects into the year 11/12 business studies programs or elective commerce courses in years 9/10, save your goddamn breath. like i remember looking at business studies hsc papers in years 11/12 to see what they did.... and it was pretty chock-a-block anyway. and my experience of my year 9 commerce was horrible, to say the least. let kids be kids, for fucks sake. they shouldn’t have to be fully functioning adults in the workplace, by the end of high school, for fucks sake. AND ENTREPRENEURSHIP IS NOT AN ESSENTIAL SKILL????!!!! FUCK OFF WITH THAT SHIT, WILHELM. anyway. that’s my rant over about how i hate how corporate people are trying to be #relatablewiththeyouth🙃 with their shitty versions of “10 things i wish we learned in school” memes.... and failing.... without realising that this is why millennials are suspicious and cynical about meme usage by corporate people/corporations.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #ranty mcrantrant #ilona rants about shit #warning: a too long didnt read/tl;dr post #for lazy tumblr peeps who never read long posts is ahead #BEWARE!!!’#and strap in for the ride #but yeah tl:dr ahead #learn to read long form posts you fucks #it was in my replies #so read my tags y’all

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ts-akhmim · 4 years

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Episode 7 “It's a Hot Mess Express “ - Scott

People are so hard to work with. I get they don't like this challenge truly I do but I just wish they wouldn't keep shutting down every idea I had. It's... annoying. I get that I'm also the problem here. Because if an entire room full of people is saying you're wrong then you're probably wrong but still. I dislike being shut down. I've just been feeling kind of isolated since my name was written down. Even in my own alliance it seems like everyone thinks less of me for being paranoid. It doesn't help that I'm not entirely pop culture savvy so a lot of their convos I'm a bit out of the loop on. Part of me wonders if it's cause I'm in a male dominated environment? I don't think they are sexist but I do think that I'm being unintentionally ignored. Like throughout the duration of this confessional I have submitted 6 ideas/comments to the group and they've either been left in the dust or dismissed. That has to mean something right? Is it my personality? Did I come on too strong with my enthusiasm? Do they think I'm bossy? Socializing doesn't exactly come naturally to me. If anyone had met me 4 years ago you'd probably be in the know. You know that ability where you can pick up what people imply, whether through body language or through hidden meanings. I don't. I literally was born with out that ability and it has done whatever the opposite of wonders are for my life. At first I thought it was fine, I thought hey no big, everything is good, people like me eventually. But then I played Malaysia... A lot of great things came out of that game, a lot of good friendships and memories but in a way it sort of haunts me. When the confessionals came out, for the first time ever I saw what people thought about me. Sure they liked me eventually but they also disliked me. Like really really didn't like me at all. It was my first real interaction with people outside of the treatment school I went to, it was my first real interaction with the rest of the world and people hated my guts. Don't get me wrong I always suspected I was disliked but... to see their actual written thoughts on paper was hard. Of course as they got to know me they started to like me but I couldn't forget that it wasn't always like that. That at one point they looked at me or their screen or whatever and saw a pest. And that's my biggest fear, that I'm the problem. That no matter where I go people see me and are filled with dread or disgust. That people are always wishing me some from of ill because I'm bad at conversation or sort of creepy. Well at least they came to their own conclusions now, maybe they pulled their heads out of their asses or because it wasn't me they were actually able to function. God this spiraled, I only wanted to complain about how shitty my tribe was being not go on this full blown existential rant. Fuck me am I right? I'm not sure what this is going to contribute to the game. There is no hashtag big moves or fun comments but like I already typed this up so I'm not going to delete it like a pussy.

Ok now we can talk whew. UMMMM not Connor fucking up Duncan's perfect record! Now that I'm over the shock, thank you Connor because I'm 95% sure that obsession is the reason Duncan did the most to make sure Devon voted me instead of him back on Thoth https://giphy.com/gifs/mamovie-stalking-octavia-spencer-eavesdropping-j5uEVYERR0ncYlJ36e Really pleased with how the game is shaping up tbh, assuming I don't lose another music video challenge hahaha. I would LOVE a final 3 with me, Ali, and Devon but I know that's a long way off so I'm just focusing on the here and now. My biggest concern is protecting Ali. Essentially Duncan hit me up to work with him, TJ, and Jordan and I was very much like lol not sure about that. Mainly because Jordan and I don't have a strong relationship? And Duncan was like yeah but he wants to get to know you better and I'm like https://giphy.com/gifs/week-wtf-moments-QjIz1AqkGTszK If that's the case, that needs to come from Jordan and then it's between me and Jordan. Why someone else is interceding on Jordan's behalf is very dicey to me but I'm not that surprised because that continues to be a theme with Duncan: getting me to fit into plans that best suit him. Y'all know DAMN well Jordan Pines don't wanna go to the end with me and the feeling is mutual. But I HAVE to make it work with Jordan or Duncan will get pissy. He literally was like ok well who are you close with and I felt a serious feeling in my gut to not mention Ali. So I said oh I talk to Adam a lot but I wouldn't say I trust Adam. So after telling Ali all of this lmao, we decided I needed to go back to Duncan and say yes because it would keep me in the know and keep both of us safe. Also it allows me to keep an eye on Jordan and Duncan at the same time so we truly stan. And the gag is I'm not scared of Jordan Pines and I welcome the challenge of getting him out so love yall for letting me in through the front door hahaha My new issue is just timing. We'll be ok if we win this next challenge but if not, I could see that alliance targeting Ali. Obviously I have a plan and will put the vote on someone else but I really want to prolong turning on that group for as long as I can. I don't wanna spook TJ and I know killing Jordan will leave me with a pissed Duncan and I really don't need that based on how seriously he's playing. So I'm hoping I can finesse somehow? Maybe one of them gets idoled out at merge and then a blindside on the other won't be as messy. But yeah I keep feeling like the walls are closing in, in terms of allies, and I'm working HARD to make sure I have an exit strategy at all times haha cause fuck these men I'm trying to win again. I "love everyone" which means I have no problem voting out anyone

So let me just make sure i got this right, connor tried to get people to vote for me, they all told me, he "planned" with me to go for liam, then....he votes for duncan and he goes home unanimously? little did he realize when he went around and gave a feeble attempt at rallying people to vote for me, i had already rallied everyone to go for him and made sure everyone knew he was a liar and couldnt be trusted, you know im a firm believer in loose lips sink ships and i absolutely used my big mouth as my weapon to sink his ship. Even if there turns out to be some majority alliance that did this all without me then well...i guess that's another story but im still taking my hard earned credit because either way i got what i wanted one way or another so im here for it, sorry gal! i now find myself in a position i hope i can make some moves with, duncan already just made a vague to comment to me about how "it only takes 4 now" which he's right, and he mentioned autumn, himself, me, and ali. Which, that's a 4 I would love to go forward with for the time being, i like to think ive had good genuine talks with them 3 in particular, and now we can start get together maybe lock something in and if we make it to a merge or even another swap we at least have something to work with with each other, but we'll see, we gotta focus on immunity first now, id love to win just to for sure see any of the other people who lied to me go home oop so while i may be feeling ok now i just have to remember to simmer down and play smart and make the right connections with the right people i need and saying the right things to whomever needs to hear it, because that's what i do best in these type of games to stay alive, i feel like my intuition has been leading me ok so far this game so im just gonna keep basing my decisions off that and charging forward PERIOD and ill damn sure do it with or without the help of the tomb because a bitch can not get in ive tried over and OVER at this point im back to pounding on the door of it just hoping if im annoying enough yall will let me in!

i'll do a proper game confessional later but me and dan are both judges for the svalbard music video challenge and its so sad that we cant talk... its like... this could be us working on a music video if things were different kjlsdfa its missing dan and jake hours

Whew! Sorry about that what happened was I ran out of anxiety meds a few days and that rant was the commutation of being with out sanity pills for three days! Everything is fine! I am fine! People are fine! I am sorry to the future Thoth 2.0 tribe, you are all great, I just get very spirally when I am without some sort of stabilizing force! Sorry to the hosts for using this as a diary this is not a diary this is survivor... Anyway this time I have some more constructive things to add! Okay so things are fine. Dan and I continue to bond, though he had to call me out on being bad at communication in order for our relationship to progress. I get it was like a check point or whatever and frankly I appreciated it. Like I said in my rant yesterday I have massive paranoia when comes to interacting with people and whether they like me or not, so constructive feedback while annoying is always helpful. Plus through research I found that he values a good social game so the fact that he's reaching out and telling me what I'm doing wrong is probably a sign that I'm not a lost cause :D. It turns out we have a few mutual friends our lord and savior John Coffey and also Sarah,... Lynn to be specific there are like a shit ton of Sara(h)s so should probably clarify lol. I want to work with him. I know he's in the majority alliance with the brawn tribe, which also contains Jakey and Jordan. Considering the fact that the beauties are slowly but surely getting eliminated, their favor would be helpful to me and mine. However, I know for sure that one of them wrote my name down. Honestly probably both of them. I know I keep harping on this fact but I just really really don't like the idea of looking like an idiot by aligning with someone who wanted me dead or wanted to fuck with me. If we do lose this challenge we are going to have to figure out who to keep or who to eliminate, I feel like it should be between those two. Mostly because I'm not exactly comfortable with a brawn majority. Like I know how people are saying tribe lines don't matter and while they don't, advantages do. And what more advantageous than being in a majority alliance? If we get rid of a brawn that would make it 4 brains- 4 beauty - 5 brawn. Which seems a bit more fair lol. Also RIP Connor remember how I said he was a threat? Welp I guess this is why they don't ask me for cast assessments :/ and also cause I was dead for like several years.

absolutely nothing has happened in fact i was kinda in a ~mood~ today so i feel like my social game took a big L because i didnt feel like talking to anyone and i was busy so i kept being that bitch to responding once an hour ..... but in other news i finally accessed the tomb, and once i started using more than one brain cell at a time i was able to get in and it was actually about 10x easier than i was making it out to be im not sure WHY i was struggling so much but of course, to no surprise i finally get in and the pedestal is empty AGAIN. Now there's not only at least 1 idol from the last time i went in the tomb gone, but there's possibly a second too, if not an advantage that can easily be played against me. At this point all i can do is try and recover a little bit, tomorrow ill have to just try more with my conversations and hopefully one of the people i can somewhat trust is the person who has whatever was in their time time around but probably not, it's never that easy

okay so i have a video confessional from earlier uploading which is kind of a recap of the last two rounds BUTTT!! liam just finished editing our video and i love it!! he did so good and our tribe all tried our best... im just hoping the other tribe didn't go bananas all out, because if they didn't we should hopefully win... i really wanna win immunity because otherwise i feel like adam is gonna be the vote and i dont want that anymore KJASDFA. i would just be sad because idk who the alternative would even be.... so basically we better win immunity KJLSADFA

Me: Alright everyone, make sure you film horizontally!!! Devon: Fuck you

Honestly!!! I take back what i said about Kendall. I feel like we’re making some strides to work together??? Or she’s playing me? I’m hoping to stir a Devon vote this round because I think he threw the vote on Kendall to piss me off, but who knows. I wanna talk to Jakey and see what he thinks about a me/him/augusto/Amir alliance to get through this vote? Idk I trust him but who knows!!!! Maybe everyone is lying to me???

okay... i know i said god is a woman and her name is autumn but its time for the remix. god is a woman and her name is alyssa's mum because alyssa's mum just rescued us from defeat in that challenge JKASDF the judges were kinda unnecessarily harsh but we move on. basically for the other tribe's tribal, i hope jake/dan/devon live... hopefully another scary old school person goes but tbh who knows what is going to happen?! im just so happy to have made f13, i said i'd come 14th in my intro so we love surpassing my own expectations

the immunity challenge went well, we won, which is good because i just didnt feel like going to tribal council because im honestly unsure what the hell is going on, i wanted to feel good about the connor vote because obviously that was my plan from the start however he just made it a little too easy by not talking to a lot of people allegedly, up until right before the vote, i dont think there'd be an easy vote next time we go to tribal, unless ... it's me... am i the easy vote?? i wanna really think im not but its just always too quiet to me when we dont go to tribal there's also lots of talk and speculation about a possible merge at 13, but me and my vivid imagination aka paranoia think maybe another swap of some sort could still happen even if for just another round or 2, i never knew with you sneaky hosts!! also i know we won in the challenge but we wouldve won in the challenge by even more if liam used more footage of my video i sent in i feel like i got no screentime!!! but of course i kept my big mouth shut for once because there's no i in team so ill try not to throw too much of a diva fit but listen... i tried to give yall a DEATH DROP, and i pulled a wig ruveal by snatching off my hat, and i was giving you a whole tik tok dance i made myself..... but there was no way i was doing more than beyonce's part so he didnt have much to work with so touche .... the full version i made will just be deleted scenes for myself ill reflect on when im more mature and think to myself "what the fuck was i doing?"

So not to my surprise, we end up losing the challenge AGAIN!! I've just accepted that I really don't have any luck in this game. I was really hoping that we'd just win every challenge until the merge because I'm over going to tribal and voting people out. I feel like going to the amount of tribal councils that I have has left a huge target on my back. But at the same time, I'm playing the game more than other are. Maybe I have that going for me, who knows. Anyways, the Thots alliance is deciding on either Devon or Dan for this vote. I basically told them I was good with either, even though I would perfer to keep Devon so that I at least have more of an opportunity to rebuild our relationship. I've made it very clear that if the group as a whole wanted to do Devon that I'd write his name down to prove that I trust this group moving forward. So we decide to go with Dan for this vote, and this doesn't really sit well with Jakey. I'm not surprised by that, since I know he's wanted Kendall out for awhile now. But he is really adamant that he doesn't want Dan to go. Which I get, he thinks that Dan would trust him moving forward. When it comes to Dan though, his social game lacks so much that it's like "I don't even know if I can trust him moving forward". And I think the fact that Jakey more so wants to target Kendall this round instead of Dan is a strong sign for me. I'm pretty positive he has an idol since the brain one has been found and he's lied to me about clues before. So this has me thinking, maybe it's a good time to get Jakey out this round? Thinking about it numbers wise for the future, we don't really need Jakey's vote for a majority this round since the four beauties and myself makes 4, and if we bring in Devon that's 5. Plus, I don't even think that Jakey's under the impression that he would... get voted out this round. He seems offly confident that he's staying, just that Dan's going. But I like to think he'd let Dan be a sinking ship and go.. Idk I'm gonna try to pitch this to Amir and see what he thinks. I kind of tried to hint around it to Augusto that Jakey wasn't cool with it, but Augusto kind of turned a blind eye at that. And I don't trust Kendall with my thoughts since she's very blunt... so I wouldn't be surprised if she leaked my plans. Similarly to what Devon did when I voted him out last week. I'm hoping that Amir will see where I'm coming from and that he might be open to that concept. For all I know, I could be voted out this round. And honestly, that'd be the smart move for them to make because my perception in the game so far has been pretty spot on. I think my self awareness this time around has been an asset for me, so I'm hoping that I can get by this vote and hopefully enter the merge soon.

Coming back into the game, I knew I needed to open up a bit and start to Slither earlier than I would imagine. After throwing a vote onto Kendall, I broke down any chance between the Beauty and Brawn working together to knock out myself and Scott. I haven't told anyone about my vote, and don't plan to. Going into this vote, Dan should be the obvious choice. OG Brawn hasn't suffered any additional losses in numbers, and I'm just too close with Augusto/Amir/Kendall to consider flipping. In preparation of tonight NOT being a swap, I established an alliance with Amir and Augusto. They are a duo in every sense, but attaching myself to them sets up the opportunity to at least CONSIDER voting out Scott next round. It would have to be between him and Scott.

All I got to say is oof… I genuinely thought I was on vacation after the last round like I’ve been SO bad about talking to people or at least that’s how I felt cause I was operating at 60% instead of the 110% I do when I socialize. That being said, I have my goals that I want to stick to and see happen. Dan needs to leave this tribal so I can get Jakey out next even if Dan leaving makes me really sad. Dan leaving takes a number away from the Brawn and a number away from Jakey, who I am able to get out by keeping Devon and having him/Kendall/myself/Amir vote for him if we happen to lose again. The alliance of me/Kendall/Amir/Jakey/Scott went on call last night and it was deadass an hour and a half long call where everyone was like “idk who should go but I’m fine with whatever” although… that certainly wasn’t the case. I, personally, made points that were pro-Devon such as Devon not having any clear allies to reunite with at merge and things like that and EVENTUALLY at the last 5 minutes of the call, we decided that Dan leaving is the better option. Scott and I even discussed a Brawn having to go before we even did the call so yeah. One thing I could tell though? Jakey was not having it. I understand his frustration but you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I voted out AJ to prove that I am not here to play by tribal lines and you said you would do the same but here we are… Amir called me last night telling me about how Jakey was trying to strong arm him into voting Devon out because Jakey didn’t want to do Dan… like sir, I’m? I’m very happy that Amir came to me and confided in me to kinda spill out his emotions like that makes me <3 but it also made me wanna pop off at Jakey because I don’t like those approaches in games hgfjdks even if I do really like Jakey, I was just ugh gjfdks. That aside, I feel like I am doing good about getting information and building friendships out here like I’m DEADASS is almost every single alliance on the tribes I’ve been a part of and while I don’t get tons of info from direct sources (ie. Jakey), I get the information from close allies (ie. Amir) which in a way can be even better? That being said, I’ve been way too good at forming friendships that every vote makes me feel really bad? With Dan for example, I adore that man like even if he isn’t the most talkative he’s just amazing. But does Dan benefit my game as much as Devon? Not really, even if Dan wanted to align. I’m sticking to my promise of doing what I have to do and be a little bit more cutthroat than I usually am because I do genuinely want to win this game and I’ll do what it takes to get there. Honestly, I’d be SHOOK if we do not merge next round or the round after ghfjdksm but I’m just trying to plan ahead and look at my connections. My Thoth connections are Amir > Kendall > Devon > Scott > Jakey whereas my Hathor connections are Autumn > Duncan > Adam (?) > TJ > Jordan > Liam M > Ali. If we do merge, making a secret thing with Autumn would be KEY just to have another person in my corner but also I need to connect with a Brawn to be good with them yknow? It’ll definitely be interesting and I can see the merge being messier than a taco bell bathroom BUT I’m hyped at the same time?

How is it already Day 16? There seems to be something seriously wrong with that. Anywho, I've let myself take a quick step back on the social game these last few days. I think I've put in the work to cement a couple strong groups here and can put myself in a good spot, but now I can avoid being the person that probably would be seen as a huge threat in the near future. Once merge hits (which I'm hoping is this next round), I'm going to have to go back to bringing that social game to a 9 (10 is where the Alyssa threat level begins), but right now I'm hopefully putting myself in a good place. In the event we don't have a merge and have one more vote on Hathor, I really think I need to make a move on Ali. I realize I keep saying this and I'm going to feel awful when he sees this all, but he is such a HUGE threat, and I can't let him skate by to where there's no room to stop him. I made that mistake last time in letting the person I knew would win get too far without me being able to stop them. Not this time. Ain't no fucking way.

This may very well be my last confessional lmao. I’m just feeling very paranoid about this vote and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if everyone votes for me except for Jakey. Or if he even flips to the majority against me. And honestly! I’ve come to terms with it. I really tried my best in the game and I can’t be mad about how I performed in this game specifically. I understand I’m a threat in these games and if people are worried about me end game, quite frankly they should be. I know that I’ve played Tumblr Survivor one too many times and should have quit while I was ahead. I know I’ve talked about working with Kendall and killing Devon, but honestly idk who is voting where. I think I’m going to try to just go with what I think is majority (against Kendall) and just hope to god I’m not going anywhere. I hate having this defeatist attitude, but if I get voted out I’m going to have zero hard feelings and take it in stride. I guess I’m just not cut out to win tumblr survivor ❤️

Our video was so iconic, SHOUT OUT TO ALYSSA'S MOM!!! I should really be making sure im fortifying the bonds i've made but im really just happy to be on break and not have tribal. I've only been to tribal once within a 7 day time span instead of the 4 times in 7 days the brains endured before. I will say i was positively shook to get the vote from connor, but i never thought i could play a perfect game anyways lol. I'm hoping to god that dan or jakey go, i dont want the brawns over here to have other options than autumn and i come merge. Im surprised at myself because im starting to really want to stick with all these people come a merge, i suppose we'll see how it goes and how my attitude changes moving forward.

Sooooooo I actually felt kind of bad about voting for Dan until he was throwing my name out :/ I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks. I'm kind of nervous now. Like Jakey told me this and he did the same thing to AJ. Also I haven't heard anything from Scott yet... that's sketchy right? Ugh I swear if I'm voted out then Alyssa's mom, I will meet you in the Denny's Parking lot for a fight. I'm not afraid to throw hands at the elderly, ask Drew.

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We love when men listen to me an in turn we win immunity! This is now the second time that's happened lmao cause I sure did make everyone commit to a time block so we didn't play ourselves in the endurance challenge and I sure did suggest Telephone as the song choice so wooooo Not a lot has happened and I don't have a lot of time to talk to begin with but I have a strong feeling we are not merging tonight lmao. Tbh I look forward to another day on Hathor it's very chill over here, all things considered. Also I need a couple chill challenges the next two rounds cause ya girl is moving, graduating, and leading an underground movement all at the same time so don't set me up with a crazy time-consuming challenge lol

I feel vindicated. Starting off in this game, I was not doing so well gameplay wise. Flash forward, I've been a big contributor physically, and socially too! I've got big plans, and I will carry this tribe again if I have to!

(may've already submitted this but i'm worried i submitted it for day 18?)

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Also...

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ok let me just start by saying: im in an emotionally FRAGILE state at the moment writing this right after the winners at war finale.....SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT SEEN BUT I HAVE TO SAY IT....NATALIE AND WINCHELE ROBBED, as inspired as i am by my aries sistren natalie and think she should've won, im even more upset for my fellow beauty sister michele because lowkey? i absolutely LOVE the way michele plays, because in my own head at least i like to think i at least play slightly similar, i like to lay low and just adapt to where i see i can fit the best, anywho thats all ill say on that, back to THIS game dan being voted out last round, was kinda meh, i had the tiniest conversation with him during one world and he did end up giving me some tea about the brawns, but i couldve easily tried working with him later on against the beauties, PLUS him leaving means that none of those false beauties left, which is bad for me because i want them all gone oop and ive worked hard over here trying to make sure everyone knows they are threats even if theyre not working together, they went against me and lied to me, which means i cant trust them or work with them, which means i need to make sure no one else does either it's very nice though duncan has approached me and asked who i was comfortable with incase we did go to tribal and he said him and jordan pines were pretty close and honestly jordan is the only one ive been on a call with this whole game which is fine because anyone who knows me knows i dont care for calls much in this game and that usually hurts me so im hoping its not hurting me this time but truly, im not sure people are approaching me way more with information and plans then they ever have so im hoping thats a good sign, espcially with duncan saying he basically wanted me to be in the know with him, i think i can trust him as of now going foward and i hope the same about jordan pines, because first of all i love his energy and him as a person my fellow stoner crackhead, and second of all let's be real i definitely want to use him as a shield later on cmon the guy has a season named after him, forget denise being the queen slayer, i want to be the king tamer also in good with ali and autumn i think?? i personally enjoy my short little convos i have with them frequently so i just hope we're on the same page, but idk the little voice in the back of my head is telling me it all seems too good to be true almost like a perfect illusion and maybe duncan is tricking me trying to talk to me about "keeping this tribe strong", so i guess we'll have to wait until the next time we go to a tribal together to find out so yeah in conclusion, sorry to dan, and plot twist of the century im rooting for jakey to not be voted out the other tribe? even though im still convinced he could be making me his number 1 target especially if he gets in kahoots with kendall, but im hoping i played them against each other enough during the one world so that didnt happen

What do ya know....another tribal council. After only being exempt from one tribal, this has become somewhat of a routine. I am extremely confident in the numbers this round. I'm under the belief that everyone will be writing down Jake's name, and Jake will likely be writing down my/Kendall's name. Still, I believe there is a worry about idols. I would hate to be idoled out by Jake after everything I have worked towards...I can't afford to throw my vote on Kendall or Scott with the merge coming up so soon, because it fractures my game going into a potential merge...Somewhat of a "all or nothing" bet tonight.

Me @ the brawns who have been on this tribe: https://media.giphy.com/media/szPZ2NXIGCMcE/giphy.gif

So a couple new developments: 1. Jordan offered me a final two which I'm sooooo excited to see how that's going to turn out. I've really connected with Jordan this game (which admittedly I didn't think would happen before this game), but he's been the person I've confided in the most out here. So I really think this is going to be the start of something amazing. 2. With this F2 deal, Jordan told me that Amir/Jakey knew each other outside of this game. This is bad for me both because Jakey is supposed to be my other guy with Jordan, but also Amir is the person I'd want to target come merge (which should be next round). I have zero connection to him, he's proven to be good at comps, he's won this game before, and he doesn't add into my plan of having numbers on every side. So now I'm in a spot where I think I'll probably have to make a move against potentially my closest / other closest ally in this game. Being safe right before the potential merge feels amazing and opens a lot of opportunities, but is extremely scary knowing who is going to merge. Hopefully come to merge, I have a chance at the merge idol to avoid anyone else having the chance at getting it, because I need some added knowledge in this game.

I am so fucking pissed at Devon. WHY ARE YOU ON THE BRAINS IF YOU HAVE NO BRAIN CELLS!!!!!!! dsfjkaafkjdaldjfjadksjads Great now I get to die!

I don't know why Jakey wants to kill me. I am not a threat. Like at all? Most of the strategies I come up with are bad and I am barely social? Sure I guess I can win like a challenge or two but not enough to be physical? I mean I'm trying to kill him but like... honestly he started it 2 rounds ago. I am a paper tiger worse I am a paper giraffe. Sure I'm tall but basically harmless and only sort of evil. At least I remember why I hated him so much. I don't hate him NOW, I'm 22 years old I have better things to do then hate some guy for trying to win a game. But I am annoyed and inconvenienced by this. Maybe a little hurt too because the only reason I can think to get voted out is because my personality sucks so much that he doesn't see a future where we can work together. Which is fair I guess? But I can't be that awful right? God this game is a constant existential crisis... Also I think people are annoyed with me for being paranoid and shit. Oh I'm sorry people who's name isn't getting written down, I'm sorry I'm not more pleasant while I'm in fear for my metaphorical life.

It’s a MESS ITS A FUCKING MESS SCOTTIE WANTS DAN OUT DAN WANTS DEVON JAKEY WANTS DEVON DEFON WANTS DAN AUGUSTO AND KENDALL WANT JAKEY AMIR WANTS NOT JAKEY OR AUGUSTO OR KENDALL I literally don’t have number in this game and I’m going to get fucked on at the merge

Okay so Augusto basically told him that his name was an option for this vote or the next one and Kendall told him that the brawns are bringing up his name and said that he was the throw away vote So now my gut is telling me dan did it and jakey was in on it But I don’t care, if that’s the case Everyone on this tribe wants a brawn out, EVERYONE I just have to make sure it’s not jakey Because Augusto and Kendall want jakey now and I refuse it Rn it seems they r okay doing dan It seems everyone is cool doing dan So I’m happy with that

Jakey is fucking strong arming me r u joking Ndbdjdjsns Jakey talked to scottie And got scottie to want devon So now they’re gonna try and call the alliance tmmrw and change to vote back to devon over dan And if Augusto and Kendall don’t want to Jakey wants to pull brain and brawn to vote kendall like sir I’m literally getting strong armed, and he can’t see why people want dan out I could make a move rn But should I even I probably shouldn’t If they try to get kendall I will flip it on him

don’t know what to do I’m pleading so hard with jakey rn like hey it’s not good for me to go into merge with 6 brawn 4 beauty (dysfunctional) and 3 brain (dysfunctional) And I said I want to do dan is that okay like jakey u need to choose a side, brawns, or this tribe And he goes If u decide to do dan Then I’m gonna unite dan and Scott and Devon and vote kendall So if that’s the case, I’m sending u home theres no way around it then

Throw back to last night when I hung up on jakey to call Augusto and told jakey that I was taking a shower but literally I was gone for an hour and needed an excuse fast so I told him i shaved my ass call that strategic ass shaking

Okay so this tribal. Everyone on my tribe thinks jakey is evil and he’s just going to go back to the brawn tribe, which is like, wtf, he literally voted in minority on purpose and gave us leverage on him. Like he literally has put himself on the line multiple times. He ratted out the brawn majority over and over. Like jakey is not loyal to the brawns on the other side at all. The people on this tribe don’t give a shit and my opinion isn’t being heard at all, Kendall won’t budge and Augusto won’t budge, and Scott wants to keep devon. Can I just say scott is a rat, he is playing every single person. Jakey trusted him soooo much . Anyway, everyone wants jakey out for literallt no reason and jakey trusts me 100% and jakey is the best way to get info from the brawns on the other side. Anyway, KDJDKSN KDNDKD we are getting dirty. Jakey has an idol. And I told him he was the vote and I made it sound like it’s all Scott’s decision cuz I’m really tight with Kendall and Augusto, so now, jakey wants to idol out Scott Basically, it’s time for a cluster fuck and it’s time for chaos So at merge jakey and I will play from Opposite sides

so jakey fking tried to flip the vote and he blew up the 5 person alliance to devon and hes fucking up my game so much nkwejfnkew god maybe i will try and get him out at merge even tho i love him, i basically had to ccreate this narrative that jakey thinks that me jakey scott and devon are voting kendall but jakey is actually voting out scott jesus christ thi round gave me a migraine i have a case of the lie-abetes

I- there's nothing else to say hahaha the boys don't even talk game. So when I know something y'all will know something

People are paranoid as hell about a merge. What is there to be paranoid about, honestly? I've just tried to come into this game and have a good time and I think I've achieved that. No one is really looking at me as a threat right now, and there's still plenty of time left to play.

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which i will upload but adam just woke me up to the fact that we might be merging tonight?! which is so exciting and kinda crazy.... and the days line up with montenegro for us to be merging... at merge i think all my "laying low" can finally be for something and i can transition the bonds i've been making into making stuff happen. i've also been hosting a game during these quarantine times and i've realised people that do too much making SUCH deep bonds during the early stages become the people the jury is mad at in the endgame. i feel like im the middle ground, people feel close to me (and I would like to think I've come across as likable) without everyone thinking im their soul sister closest ally. at merge i think my "close" people who i can somewhat rely on are: autumn, jake, dan(?), jordan(?) and adam? like i have a core of people with various connections, which gives me some cover. its just about then feeling out the rest and seeing who i can trust amongst the rest... particularly the unknowns of augusto/kendall/scott/amir (assuming they are all at merge). like that is going to be the most important part of the merge stage for me, is figuring out which of them i can trust (and i do think dan and/or jake's opinions can help with this, because brainstorming with autumn helped me figuring out this hathor swap tribe).

i'm excited for merge... i do think i have early juror written all over me but i am also very excited. its time to emerge from the shadows and stumble my way into the light

live fast die young merge boots do it well. i literally am a clown, i got excited by my guess going so well and now i literally am a target the size of the sun exclusively because of my own actions what was i thinking KJASDFA honestly at this point? i embrace it, i push the 'im a shield' narrative and i trot on my little trotters to being mayor of ponderosa. this season i chopped of my own head so will not be the winner and the king, but hopefully i can be a kingmaker? also if me winning the tiebreak sends jake home i literally will be so unspeakably frustrated with myself i will literally... scream. HE PROBS HATES ME. i'm praying he lives i will feel so bad if he doesnt KLASDF

i literally... can not believe i am so stupid my lack of braincells really boggles my mind

So I was really hoping that we would win this challenge today because I like everyone on this tribe. But of course with my luck in this game, we lose AGAIN. And it's a shame because I like the Thots Alliance and i feel bad voting out Devon. I know he's someone who trusts me and although I don't 100% trust him, I know that he's someone I can depend on. Plus he makes a really good goat at the end, so it'll make winning more of an obstacle for me without him there. To my surprise however, Kendall and Augusto approach me with the idea of voting out Jakey. I really like Jakey and I practically see him as my #1 here, so voting him out would be difficult for me to do as well. We've discussed the idol together, he gave me his CBS all access account info to watch the finale, and hes one of the very few smart people in this game. So on a personal level, this is a hard decision to make. However, from a game perspective, it might be the right call. Jakey's setting himself up to be a swing vote at the merge, and the fact that he campaigned for Dan to stay and was adamant on not voting him out shows that. When it comes to Devon and I, I would prefer to not vote Devon out but if I needed to in order to show that I trust an alliance moving forward I would. So the fact that Jakey doesn't see it like that is alarming to me. In addition to that, I know that Jakey has lied to me multiple times in this game. He purposefully gave me the wrong idol clue for one of the matches, and when I called him out on it he bluffed it up. On top of that, I know for a fact that he voted for Kendall during the AJ vote. And the fact that he's trying to play it off on Devon goes to show the lengths he would go to make sure he controls everything. And on top of that, he wants us all to tell Devon straight up that he's going. Like... did he not learn from my story when I tried to do that? It can't happen. From a game perspective, voting out Jakey is the more logical choice to make. He can navigate better in a group of people and is aware of whats going on. Devon on the other hand, doesn't even know where the idol is or how to look for it. Devon is someone who you can take into a merge and know what he's going to do. Jakey is more unpredictable. And I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to rally up troops to blindside me when that time came. From a personal perspective, I prefer that Devon goes just because of the lack of trust between us and the fact that I don't ever see myself fully trusting him. Sadly I have to lose this battle in order to win the war at the end. So I'm going to vote Jakey out tonight and really hope that it doesn't come to bite me in the but or that he doesn't play his idol (i know he has one, its obvious with how paranoid he's been)

Guess I’m gonna cry because we lost… by a tiebreaker… it was sad. I feel especially awful because had I not made the mistake of repeating a name on my list during my 8th guess, we could’ve very well have won… but no one needs to know that! It just blows because going into a potential merge in a 7-5 scenario is NOT it. Plus like, their only vote was a unanimous vote for Connor which like… love Connor, but a rock could vote Connor out. I wanted to see tension, I wanted to see idols played, I wanted to see hands thrown, I wanted to see lines drawn, and I wanted to see messiness but all I ended up seeing? Disappointment. I hate it here deadass (‘:

Aside from being kinda sad we lost, I do feel super secure. Last round, I wanted Dan to leave to get rid of Brawn numbers and have the best chance to get Jakey out and now I have that! I know Amir is on the fence but I know Kendall and Devon would be all for it (Scott is as well, but I didn’t really know how much he’d be about it until this round) so it needs to happen. While I adore Jakey as a person and we’ve connected a lot, our strategic games don’t align at all since he doesn’t tell me much of anything? Most of his info goes to Amir or Scott and I’m being selfish here but I want all the tea (‘: plus him playing double agent with the Brawns at merge is not what I need if we’re going into the merge with not enough numbers. Not only that but Adam is a wildcard in terms of if he’ll work with me or not but Jakey being there with us makes it so Adam wouldn’t want to so there’s that. Girl… i sound like a whole ass gamebot wtf ghfdjnms

It’s so weird like I am extremely proud of the game I am playing but I still feel inadequate as a player? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m ME but my two closest allies (Kendall, Amir) are playing so much better? Amir is able to get all the tea in the world and form those important game connections which I don’t feel like I can yknow? With Kendall, she is just so bold (and beautiful) with her gameplay in a way I could never like she doesn’t mind being the secondary target, she talks to everyone and talks game with everyone, and stuff like that. So in a way, I’m probably not a major threat to people because those two icons are here BUT I also don’t know if that’ll make me seen like a non-factor… that’s just how I feel going into merge and it’s kinda mehhh idk ;-;

MERGE IS COMING. TOnight actually, people are speculating, but im the only one with the certainty that its tonight and im feeling wonderful. I think if I play my cards right Im gonna have a lot of options come merge. God pending Kendall does not die tonight (hopefully her beauties keep her alive) im gonna suggest we secret pair beware this shit and tsart working from opposite sides to keep each other safe. That will allow me to pick of people Im not working with, while hopefully ensure that people im not with who are with her will be detered from targeting me. Thats my plan but who knows what the true dynamics of merge will be. Ive been playing quiet so far but im about to become the star of teh show, my ego just cant take it.

i really feel like by getting a five i got jake voted out and i want to scream i literally am gonna be out for blood if he goes

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#BackWithVengeance

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juggieheadcoopers-blog · 7 years

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Interstate Love Song (Chapter 1)

Betty Cooper is a down-on-her-luck college student who is in danger of losing her spot on her school’s newspaper. She’s given one last chance to prove herself by conducting an interview with the lead singer of an up and coming indie band, Archie Andrews. When she’s thrown next to a freelance photojournalist who is the opposite of Betty in every way possible at the concert, things go sour in the worst ways when their most prized possessions get packed up with the band’s equipment and they’re forced to travel the road together to retrieve them.

A/N: This is like a mashup of different AU’s (road trip, enemies to lovers, college, etc) that was loosely based on a request by an anon lol. Not sure if I should continue it or not so let me know what you think! (Chapter 2 is already written!)

–

Greendale - Crash Into Me

Betty Cooper had just spent the last ten minutes scrubbing the mustard stain out of her pair of lucky white slacks with the ripped-off-corner of the last bit of paper towel on the roll in the ladies bathroom. The mustard stain had been the result of a careless fan maneuvering his way from the busiest food stall, to the merchandise booth - his camera in one hand, his Italian sausage in the other, and his focus on anything other than the path in front of him. As fate would have it, Betty had been heading down that very same path in the opposite direction, at the exact wrong time.

One shoulder bump and a trip over a much-too-oversized combat boot later, the condiment-soaked meat product went flying in the air and onto Betty’s favorite pair of pants that she only wore when she had a very big, very important day that required an extra bit of luck. The scruffy-haired miscreant didn’t even apologize for possibly ruining the only article of clothing that brought her any shred of hope for successfully keeping her sanity in an interview like the one she was conducting today, and instead mumbled something about wasting three dollars on the now-asphalt-heavy food item, and headed into the auditorium without another glance in her direction.

Out of sorts and unsure of where she was going, she stumbled through an unlocked, unguarded, gate that happened to lead backstage and into the one room where she needed to be most - Archie Andrews’ dressing room. Silently praising the gods in charge of the luck in her lucky-white-slacks, she removed her trusty red day planner and charged forward, a few feet away from the reason she had stepped foot into this god-forsaken concert in the first place and the big break she was sure to receive after she wrote this kick-ass article. Taking a deep breath - inhale ten seconds, exhale for five - she lifted her fist to knock on the door and -

“Miss?” A booming voice coming from behind her startled Betty into lowering her arm as quickly as it had shot up, the knowledge that she had just been caught in an act of misconduct causing her palms to sweat in a way that she had never experienced before. “You can’t be back here.”

“You don’t understand,” she told the husky man with the thin strip of hair along the top of his hairline, her voice surprisingly strong for the way she was screaming at herself to surrender on the inside. “I’m with the Riverdale University Daily Gazette and I’m supposed to be doing an entire column on local superstar Archie Andrews who used to-”

“That’s an interesting story, really,” he deadpanned, his stony face showing no sign of remorse for kicking her out of the one and only place she needed to be at that very moment. “But you still can’t be back here. Now, I suggest you find your way to your seat before I’m forced to take you there myself or remove you from the premises.”

“The disrespect for straight and honest journalism these days is unbelievable, I swear,” she muttered under her breath, shoving the organizer back into her almost-designer handbag and marching her way back through the same gate she came in, her swinging blonde ponytail nearly smacking the security guard’s nose as she passed him.

Her thoughts jumped from one crazy scenario to the next as she strategized ways for how she was going to find her way backstage again after the concert, making her way through the slightly inebriated, slightly odor-ridden crowd of concert-goers and into the auditorium where the show was about to start.

“Excuse me,” Betty told the annoyed group of business majors already seated at the end of her row, pointing to the empty seat six or seven seats down and tiptoeing her way past them. “Yeah, I just need to squeeze through here - yep, right there - thank you!”

Betty collapsed into the hard plastic seat that her college’s newspaper had paid for unsuspectingly, placing her purse delicately on her lap and removing her planner once more from inside, flipping to the small notebook at the back of the organizer and removing her pencil from the side pouch.

“A little dressed up for a rock concert, don’t you think?”

Betty turned her head to find the Italian-sausage-flinging-bandit sitting in the seat next to her, his unbrushed hair falling into his eyes in what Betty thought was an annoyingly attractive manner, and his camera held in front of his right eye as he captured the screaming gaggle of teenage girls standing in the front row attempting to storm the stage before the security guards at the front safely removed them and went about their business.

“I’m not here to partake in senseless activities that the average college student clings to in hopes of finding where they belong in this big bad world of mistakes and confusion like some people,” Betty informed him, adjusting her Peter-Pan-collared sweater and flicking her nose up and away from him. “I’m here on business.”

“What a coincidence,” he told her, his mouth dropping open in mock-surprise as he pointed the camera in her direction and clicked the button without warning. “So am I.”

“Please, what kind of business could you possibly be administering at a concert other than,-” Betty rolled her eyes, but then quickly turned to him with wide eyes as the realization settled into her expression. “Oh my god, are you a drug dealer?”

“Hot damn, she found me out,” he hollered, throwing his hands into the air as he let his camera hang by the strap around his neck. “You heard it here first, folks, I’m Greendale’s very own Scarface - get the finest blow from this side of the river right here!”

“Alright, then why are you here?” Betty shushed him, her eyes flicking down to the flannel shirt tied around his waist like he had time traveled back to the 90′s and had just stumbled out of a Nirvana concert. “If you’re not dealing drugs or enjoying the musty atmosphere of bad decisions and cigarette smoke, what kind of business could you offer in a place like this?”

“I run a music blog,” he admitted, holding up his camera to her as if she hadn’t noticed it by now and flipping it over so that she could see it from every possible angle. “I travel to concerts documenting my experience - the fans, the music, the ove-priced merchandising. I capture the entire thing with my camera and then I share it with everyone else who couldn’t be here to enjoy it with me.”

“So you spend your whole life skipping from town to town like a poorly dressed nomadic bunny,” Betty scoffed, scrunching her nose up in disgust as she watched the opening band make their way onto the stage. “Sounds irresponsible.”

“It sounds like I’m actually enjoying my life,” he shot back, turning to glare at her shiny-black heels and hundred dollar manicure like it was the foulest thing he had ever seen. “Better than being a stuck up Priss whose only problems range from how much Daddy left me in the trust fund, to what car I’m going to drive to my boyfriend’s mansion next weekend, the Porsche or the Ferrari?”

“You don’t know me,” she snarled, her cheeks red with anger as she resisted the urge to reach across his body and rip that camera off of his neck so she could smash it into a million pieces on the concrete.

“Well thank god for that,” he mumbled. “Now if you’ll excuse me, the concert is starting and I’d rather not listen to your irritating voice throughout the whole thing so do me a favor and don’t talk to me.”

“Happily,” she huffed, turning away from him dramatically by crossing one leg over the other and facing her body so that it was as far away from him as possible. “But for the record, I’m doing this as a favor to myself and not you because I don’t want to talk to you either.”

“Nice mustard stain by the way,” he told her, his eyes flitting down to the faded yellow blob on the white fabric covering her thigh and smirking. “Really completes the outfit.”

Forget the camera. She was going to kill him. And she was going to make it slow and painful and she was going to enjoy every last second of it. Or at least that’s what she thought about from the time the band stepped on stage, to the second they exited through the large velvet curtains after their final encore. She hated him. And if she never had the pleasure of seeing that smug look on his face ever again, she would have been the luckiest girl to ever walk the planet from that point on, stained slacks and all.

#bughead fanfiction #juggiecoopfanfic #betty x jughead #betty and jughead #betty and jughead fanfiction #bughead #bughead au #jughead jones #riverdale fanfiction #betty cooper

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carryonmyswansong · 5 years

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Questionnaire - About Me, pt 2

Do you usually sleep with your closet door open or closed? This might be weird but I don’t even think about my, closet. Its sitting open at the moment, and has been for several weeks now...

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels? and the lotions, too....

Have you ever ‘done it’ in a hotel room? Yes.

Where is your next vacation? Does homeless camping this past summer count? Cuz otherwise “vacation” isn’t really something I can afford.

Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Nope. Never saw one I wanted to take lol Plus I don’t have the balls to do it lol

Who do you think reads these? Whoever is scrolling through their dash when I hit post.

Do you have a calendar in your room? Nope, not unless the one on my laptop counts

Where are you? In my room, in Jackson, MI.

What’s your plan for the day? A little more blogging and then I’m gonna go to bed.

Are you reading any books right now? Does fanfiction count? Cuz yes.

Do you ever count your steps when you walk? I do not.

Have you ever peed in the woods? Yes I have. I love camping.

Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing? Yeah, sometimes

There are more under the Read More. Had to break the list up to include the Read More cuz it was hella long otherwise.

Do you chew your pens and pencils? not technically. but I will hold my drawing tablet pen in my mouth so I don’t lose it. Who ever thought to make those things as dark as they are, instead of a bright neon color, needs to be throttled...

What is your “Song of the Week”? Pretty much anything from the Teen Wolf soundtrack

Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Why wouldn’t it be? Its even ok if he wants to wear a dress and become a princess. I hate gender roles/rules….

Do you still watch cartoons? Yeap

What’s your favorite love movie? The Last Unicorn, Bram Stoker’s Dracula (with Gary Oldman *swoons*), and The Boondock Saints. This answer hasn’t changed in well over a decade Just the order of the three.

What do you drink with dinner? Usually milk or water.

What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in? I often don’t. I do like sweet and sour sauce though.

What is your favorite food/cuisine? Sadly, since my ED relapse, I don’t have the same taste or passion for food, anymore. It doesn’t ignite the pleasure centers of my brain anymore.. I either I “don’t hate it” or I do. *shrugs*

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Same as my favorite’s list. I usually watch The Last Unicorn like once a year or every other year, depending on if I remember to.

Last person you hugged/kissed? not a person; My cast ZahZah

Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Girl Scouts. Very briefly.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Maybe

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? Its been a very long time

Can you change the oil on a car? I’ve never been shown how. I’m sure I could, once I learned. I love car stuff.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? Nope. I don’t drive.

Run out of gas? Same answer as above. I’ve been in the car when both happened, but I wasn’t driving.

Favorite kind of sandwich? ham, turkey, roast beef, bacon, with variations on veggies and sauces...

Best thing to eat for breakfast? Glass of milk, and leftovers from dinner the night before.

What is your usual bedtime? I’m 33, and unemployed. I don’t have a bed time. (The last time I filled this thing in, I was 26 lol)

Are you lazy? No. I’m disabled, so some days, I can’t do much because of my illness.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? I didn’t celebrate Halloween that often as a kid. I dressed up as a mermaid, a witch, and a vampire…. As an adult, I dressed up as a fairy once.

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Nope. I wish.

Which are better, Legos or Lincoln Logs? Legos.. hands down!

Are you stubborn? Yup.

Who is better…Leno or Letterman? CONAN! I don’t care for most…

Ever watch soap operas? I use to. They are kinda dumb… I prefer the teen dramas

Afraid of heights? Afraid? No. Am I cautious? You bet your ass I am.

Sing in the car? Only way to travel!

Dance in the shower? No, but I sing.

Dance in the car? Sometimes.

Ever used a gun? Not really, no.

Do you think musicals are cheesy? Yes, but I like them anyways.

Is Christmas stressful? I hate Christmas. I prefer to celebrate Yule.

Ever eat a pierogi? Yes. Cheesy potato. Yum.

Major annoyance right now? The fact that every time someone gets sick where my roommate works, he brings it home and I’m down for the count for a month at a time...

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Country music star, scientist, unicorn trainer.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yes I do.

Ever have a deja-vu feeling? More times than I’d like to remember.

Do you take a vitamin daily? No, but I drink at least one glass of milk.

Wear slippers? nah

Wear a bath robe? Use to. No idea where mine ended up

What do you wear to bed? whatever is comfortable

Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart? None, if I can help it. I prefer Wal-Mart, though. I also shop at Meijer’s as well.

Nike or Adidas? Neither. I’m not one for sports brands. I prefer Vans, Etnes, or Volcom.

Cheetos Or Fritos? Depends on my mood. I like both, but I will eat Cheetos over Fritos more often than not.

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? To be honest? Neither.

Ever hear of, “gorp”? When I answered this the first time, I had to look that word up. I didn’t retain the info.... the word means “trail mix”... lol

Ever taken karate? nope

Ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes. And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

Can you curl your tongue? Yes, and I can also do the three leaf clover thing, as well.

Ever won a spelling bee? No, but I can spell archeologist by heart now haha

Ever cried because you were so happy? Yes, I actually have.

Own any record albums? Records? No. I wish.

Own a record player? Same answer as above.

Regularly burn incense? I would, but my room mate is allergic.

Ever been in love? Yes.

Hot tea or cold tea? Depends on the flavor. I will drink my tea if it gets cold. I love both.

Tea or coffee? hmmm… Depends on the time of day. I drink more tea than coffee, but I do like both.

Favorite kind of cookie? Oatmeal chocolate chip. Yes. That’s one flavor. Do it. You’ll thank me later. ;)

Can you swim well? Yes I can.

Can you hold your breath w/o manually holding your nose? Yes I can.

Are you patient? Usually

Ever won a contest? Yes

Ever had plastic surgery? Not sure if this counts as cosmetic since it was helpful, but when I was a baby, I had to have the frenulum under my tongue clipped because it hindered my suckling.

Which are better black or green olives? Neither.

Can you knit or crochet? Yes. I can do both.

Wash room or bathroom? Bathroom

Do you want to get married? Yes

Who was your High School crush? Lordy, I don’t actually know... that was a long time ago.

Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? No. That’s dumb.

Do you have kids? No. I have a couple of angel-babies though… But I do help co-parent 4 kids. And I’m a godmommy to one of them...

Do you want kids? Yes.

What kind of mom are you? Openminded, but accountable.

Do you miss anyone right now? My grandmother and all my friends in SC. I haven’t seen most of them for like 8 years….

Who do you want to see right now? Same answer as above.

#written by CarryOnMySwanSong #About CarryOnMySwanSong

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surveystodestressme · 7 years

Text

111.

5000 Question Survey Pt. 29

2701. What does ‘equal’ mean?

everyone is treated the same with the same rights, etc.

2702. Do you believe in the phrase 'all men are created equal’?

in theory

What about woman?

well i wish they were but they aren’t

2703. Have all persons been specifically 'created’?

uh huh

2704. Are all persons exactly equal?

they aren’t

2705. Or do they just have equal rights (in theory)?

they should be

2706. Does art reflect society or does society reflect art?

a little bit of both i think but mostly society reflects art

2707. Are you living under a little black rain cloud or a ray of sunshine?

right now a little more of a rain cloud but i’m working on it

2708. What do you wonder about?

how my life is going to end up in the next year or so

2709. What is better..being single and free or being in love and responsible to another person?

being in love and responsible.

2710. What vitamins do you take?

none.

2711. In checkers..red or black?

black.

2712. Is The Crow a great movie?

i don’t think i have seen it

2713. Do you wear all black frequently?

not really

2714. Do you ever call yourself a poet, artist, or musician?

Has your writing been published, your art been hung in a gallery or your band been signed?

i’ve had one of my art pieces hung in a gallery before

Does it matter?

nahhh, not to me at least

2715. When insects get into your house, do you kill them or catch them and take them outside or leave them alone and let them live with you?

depends on the insect. if it is a stink bug or a ladybug i will kill it on the spot. but if it’s something else that i can easily catch then i will let it outside

2716. Name at least one person who’s birthday is in:

Jan.- chandlyre

Feb.- rebecca

Mar.- idk

Apr.- kelci, katie

May- cayenne, denise, dashae, nic

June- megan

July- jackson

Aug.- jher

Sept- my mother, mariann

Oct- brenda, rick

Nov- corben, andy

Dec- my father

2717. Which would you consider to be a worse criminal:

a pedophile or a necrophile?

pedophile.

What if it was between a pedophile, a necrophile and a murderer?

murderer.

2718. Do we start to die the day we are born or start to live the day we die?

i mean, both honestly

2719. Have you ever called your mom or dad a four letter word?

uhhhh, shit? lol probably

2720. Do you believe america should go to war with iraq?

no????

2721. Agree or disagree? (Bold is agree)

“There is too much concern in courts for the rights of criminals.”

“Abortion should be legal.”

“The death penalty should be abolished.”

“Marijuana should be legalized.”

“It is important to have laws prohibiting homosexual relationships.”

“The federal government should do more to control the sale of handguns.”

“Racial discrimination is no longer a major problem in America.”

“Wealthy people should pay a larger share of taxes than they do now.”

“Colleges should prohibit racist/sexist speech on campus.”

“Same-sex couples should have the right to legal marital status.”

“Affirmative action in college admissions should be abolished.”

“The activities of married women are best confined to the home and family.”

“People should not obey laws which violate their personal values.”

“Federal military spending should be increased.”

“Realistically, an individual can do little to bring about changes in our society.”

Why did you agree or disagree to that last statement?

i disagree because it can take one person to make changed in society they just have to be very adamant about it

2722. Let’s say that after you die you become a spirit and you join all the other spirits. Not all of them have lived. You are talking to some who have never lived about how you HAVE lived. One of the spirits who has never lived says they think they will travel to earth in a human body soon and live. They ask you what three things on Earth should I be sure not to miss? You say…

1. making great friends

2. being as happy as possible

3. travel the world

2723. What kind of ass is the sexiest (flat, round, tight, hard, meaty, juicy, small, big, stacked, packed, petite, barely there, curvy, muscular, etc.)?

all asses are sexy

2724. Is there something beautiful and special about everyone?

i think so

If yes is there something beautiful and special about Hitler?

probably before he was a huge dick

How about Bin Laden?

not all evil people start out awful. like i said he could’ve been an alright person before

2725. Have you ever moshed?

nope

If yes to what bands?

If no then would you ever?

probably not lol i’m sure i’d get my ass knocked over or punched in the face or something

2726. Do you like sushi?

heck yeah

2727. What mood are you in?

pretty bored and tired.

What does your mood depend on?

what i’m doing, how the day has gone, etc.

What depends on your mood?

idk

2728. wHAT IS faith?

believing in someone/something.

what is common sense?

knowing how simple things work

Do you have either or both of them?

yep

2729. Is perfection or imperfection more beautiful?

both are in their own way

2730. Would you think a person doing the following things has a healthy or unhealthy level of insanity?

gives the finger while driving? i mean.. i do that lol so idk

tells their life story to people they just met? i mean i don’t think that’s unhealthy, maybe they just like to talk about themselves

walks up to people and tried to convert them to a religion? unhealthy

says blah? why would that make you insane????

2731. Do you think this is a great line of poetry:

“Journey with me into the mind of a maniac. Doomed to be a killer since I came out the nut sac”

Why or why not?

interesting

2732. Do you think that song lyrics are poems with music?

i guess that’s a way to think of it

2733. In cases of rape which do you think is more of a crime:

a stranger rapes a girl

a girl’s boyfriend rapes her?

they are the same level of terrible.

2734. Did you know that in the USA it is considered to be LESS of a crime if a rapist knows the victim (because it is 'less of a crime’ the rapist gets a less severe punishment)?

Do you agree or disagree and why?

i completely disagree. i feel like it should be MORE of a crime because the victim (usually) trusts the person and doesn’t expect them to do that to them. it’s bullshit. rape is fucking rape. no matter who rapes who. man rapes woman or woman rapes man. whether they be strangers, lovers, friends, family members, etc. RAPE IS RAPE AND IT IS A HUGE FUCKING CRIME NO MATTER WHO THE RAPIST IS TO THE VICTIM.

2735. In the USA a few weeks ago a guy had beaten up and raped his girlfriend, for which he got 70 days of community service. He had been found guilty, got a year and a half of jail, BUT can you guess why his sentence was reduced to mere community service?

He had a steady job. That’s right. He was found less guilty, because he had a long-term steady job.

How does this make you feel?

that’s fucking bullshit and makes me really fucking mad. i swear the justice system is so fucked.

2736. Does the character limit of notes or entries annoy you more?

no.

2737. wHO’S YOUR FAVORITE WRESTLER?

the undertaker

2738. Have you ever been trapped in an elevator?

nope

2739. What is more important, tact or honesty?

it depends

2740. Do you have a mentor? Who?

nope.

2741. If you like guys:

would you rather have a 'bad’ guy (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good’ guy (family, domesticated, nice guy)? i want a mix of both.

Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced guy? i wouldn’t care either way honestly.

If you like girls:

Would you rather have a virgin or a more experienced girl? ^^^^^

would you rather have a 'bad’ girl (motorcycles, smokes, drinks, etc) or a 'good’ girl (family, domesticated, nice girl)? ^^^

2742. Do you feel nervous in crowds?

usually, yeah

2743. Did you write a real entry today?

What about?

Was it your best writing? -

2744. If you were making a 'best of’ entry about your BEST entries ever what would be your top 5 best entries?

2745. Do you like to play the lottery?

i’ve bought lottery tickets but never played in the actual lottery

2746. Guess what?

what?

2747. Why did you choose to live one more day?

i’m doing okay

2748. What is the most beautiful myth you have ever read/heard?

mermaids.

2749. Have you ever been stood up?

yep

2750. Finish the following sentences any way you want.

It’s always darkest before.. the sun comes up?

Never underestimate the power of.. women?

Don’t bite the hand that.. feeds you

A miss is as good as a..the person who possesses it?

If you lie down with dogs, you.. get fleas

Love all, trust.. no one

The pen is mightier than.. the pencil

An idle mind is.. ?

Where there is smoke, there’s.. fire

Happy is the bride who.. ?

Two is company, three’s.. a crowd

None are so blind as.. mice?

You get out of something what you.. put in

When the blind lead the blind.. ?

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.. the whole world cries with you...?

2751. What’s the most interesting assignment you ever had in school?

i got to do a research paper on a subject that was actually very interesting and important to me

2752. What’s the most interesting thing you ever had to do for work?

nothing about my job is interesting lol

2753. Do you feel:

insignificant?

unable to evoke change?

like one person can’t change the world?

like one life and one person’s suffering doesn’t mean very much?

If you answered yes to any of those can you describe why in detail?

kind of

2754. Do you feel like you could contribute as much to society as ____ has?

Albert Einstein:

Abe Lincoln:

Franz Kafka:

Jesus Christ:

2755. Are you aware that your brain is the same size as Albert Einstein’s brain?

okay

Do you realize that you have the same number of hours in a day as Abraham Lincoln?

sure.

Did you know that Franz Kafka wrote all of his amazing literature during his lunch breaks at work?

sounds nice

Did you know that we are all made of matter and that you are made of the Same Thing that Jesus was made of?

uh huh

Do you still believe that you couldn’t contribute as much to society as they did?

If yes than WHY?

2756. Is your mind in the gutter?

sometimes.

2757. What do you have to complain about?

lots of things

2758. Do you remember rock n’ roll radio?

nada

2759. Is there such a thing as a food that you burn more calories from digesting than you actually absorb from it?

i doubt it

2760. Hey, if you’ve gotten this far than you and me go way back. We’ve been hanging out for a while now and I gotta know..do you like me?

you’re alright, i guess

2761. What are you doing, Dave?

who the fuck is dave

2762. As far as love goes do you feel it is better to become complete before looking for someone or find someone who completes you?

i think it’s a good thing to be complete before you meet someone because it should not be someone else’s job to complete you.

2763. What attracts you about the opposite sex (or same sex, or both sexes)?

they way they act, their personality, humor

2764. Do you need people or do you not need anyone?

a bit of both.

2765. Is selfishness always bad?

sometimes it’s okay to be selfiesh

Is selflessness always good?

not always

2766. Do you feel like your life is being controlled by a power structure?

somewhat.

2767. Can you name three things in society that send the message that being completely yourself and that looking inside yourself and contemplating what’s within is a good thing?

not at the moment

2768. Can you name three things in society that send the message that materialism and the accumulation of stuff is a good thing?

no.

2769. What is more important, a picture or its frame?

the picture.

What is more important, spirituality or religion?

spirituality.

2770. How many definitions can you come up with for the word 'fuck’?

quite a few

2771. Is it less offensive when a black person says Nigger than when a white person says it?

well, i’m not black so i don’t feel like i can really have an opinion on that

Why or why not?

2772. Do you rationalize often?

i guess.

2773. Do you believe that america is an imperialist nation?

idk.

2774. Would you agree that:

hot topic is the new abercrombie?

pink is the new black:

you are the new you? sure

2775. Do you have more internet or real life friends?

real life friends.

2776. What IS the feeding of 5000?

huh?

2777. What’s an easy way to make money?

work

2778. What’s your favorite slang word and what does it mean?

idk

2779. Are you uncomfortable?

sometimes.

2780. Is anything definite besides death and taxes?

lots of things

2781. Would you rather live fast and die young or live slow and die old?

live slow die old lol.

2782. Can you name 4 people who have committed crimes against humanity?

probably

How do you think they live with themselves?

idk.

2783. If you could imagine, pure fantasy, any God you could concieve, how would you want God to be?

perfect, all loving

2784. do you think the smashing pumpkins have a strong christian theme?

i doubt it

2785. Do you think this survey has a strong christian theme?

just religious in general not necessarily christain

2786. Fill in the blank for yourself"

Give me ____ or give me death!

liberty

2787. Have you ever heard of the USA patriotism act?

Apparently they have passed laws making torture legal.

Also the FBI can sneak and peek into ANYONE’S home. They don’t have to ask or even tell you they were there. This is already the law. So, whaddaya think?

we’re fucked basically

2788. The people in power step all over the average citizen, trying to secure all the power and money for themselves and leave us with no rights and under their control. They have the audacity to do this because they know that we will not lift a finger to stop them. Are they right?

somewhat.

2789. The Free State Project is a plan in which 20,000 or more liberty-oriented people will move to a single state of the U.S. to secure there a free society. They will accomplish this by first reforming state law, opting out of federal mandates, and finally negotiating directly with the federal government for appropriate political autonomy. They want to be a community of freedom-loving individuals and families, and want to create a shining example of liberty for the rest of the nation and the world. What’s your opinion? Could this work? Why or why not?

tl:dr.

2790. Have you ever seen the Neverending Stroy?

Remember when Bastian has to prove his worth by looking in that mirror where you see yourself the way you really are with no pretenses, rationalizations or mental lying?

Could you stand yourself if you looked into that mirror?

idts

2791. What is soilent green?

huh?

2792. What are you proud that you have never done?

killed someone

2793. What things are hopeless?

murderers and papists and criminals in general

2794. What Are People For?

good question

2795. What book do you feel could change someone’s life?

idk, everyone has different tastes.

2796. Didja ever want to just walk up to the Bush administration and ask them, 'What the fuck?’

nope

2797. How do you take your coffeee?

sugar and milk

2798. Have you ever played:

paintball? yep

lazer tag? yes.

which is better? laser tag,definitely

2799. In what ways are you lucky?

just everything i’ve had in my life so far.

2800. If Jesse Jackson wants reparations to be given to black people because he thinks that black people don’t have equal opportunities in this country than why does he drive a Jaguar?

idk dude.

#bored #questions #quiz #survey

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