#I would try to make myself believe i've ended up a decade and a half in the past but mortifyingly

[seithr]

Accidentally clicking the wrong part of a page during a wiki dive of a series I loved when I was younger, and being sent back in time and space as I see people organizing massive closed rp roleplay families events [PINGLIST FULL], posting fursona redesigns, fursona vent gore, colouring in bases for ocs and coming out as gay to each other all in the same feed for a series that, i promise, does not involve any of these . Not even the gay part. Someone is posting splatoon yuri. Where the fuck am i

[tothosewholisten]

Forever Healed | TUA Insert

Chapter: 14

<<previous chapter | next chapter>>

Masterlist

Disclaimer: B/n = birth name

…

I once again repeated the question I've asked Five three times already. “What did you do?” But again, it was to no avail.

“Your questions will be answered in time Number Zero, but for now pick up the pace!” Said the woman with an unusual, cheery voice. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to piss me off by calling me that, but I had a feeling she was. I stopped thinking for a second and took a look at her. Her attitude was very snarky, and she was strangely dressed, but who am I to judge?

With her platinum, gray hair and posh walk, I knew she had to be the leader of whatever hellish organization Five deserted.

Which led me to think of more questions. Where are we? Why am I here? What happened to the others? Did these people cause the end of time? And then the one question still left on my mind, who is the girl I said would end the world..?

As I thought about it, the woman started talking to Five, and I walked behind them like some servant. We were walking fast and away from the place where I first landed on the grass. Going towards a large gray block building with a plethora of people walking in and out open. They held briefcases and chatted like this was a normal occurrence.

They were all dressed in a similar fashion in old outfits you used to see in magazines from a different decade. It was obvious to me now that we were in the past. And as people passed us, they greeted her with a sense of priority. They called her The Handler, the name so unimportant that I’d forgotten Five told me earlier.

“I must admit Number Five, in all the time I’ve been here I’ve never met anyone quite like you.” The Handler’s praise was off-putting to me, and I could tell it was off-putting to him as well. “Hazel and Cha-Cha, for example, are talented, certainly, but.. they can’t see the big picture. Your spunk, your enterprising spirit, well, remind me a great deal of myself, if I may be so vainglorious.” She wrapped her black coat-covered arm around his shoulder as she spoke almost like a mother but creepy.

This was all getting very tiresome. I had half the mind to say “You guys know I’m here, right?” And I guess I ended up saying that because she turned to me. As well as Five who had a blank expression on his face.

“And you, my dear, I believe you are the key!”

My confusion could be felt around the area. “The key to what.”

“With your unique skill set the two of you could be, how do I say this? Unstoppable.” She finished with a whisper. My head started to spin at her words as I opened my mouth to protest her words, sadly no one responded.

I started to feel a sort of hatred towards five. He drags me through yet another thing just because I survived the apocalypse and gives me no explanation. Why can’t anything ever be simple? Why can’t we ever just communicate?

As we entered the building, the layout made my nerves skyrocket. It was very claustrophobic. There was a spiral staircase, where workers upon workers would travel up and down. And there I was out of place when Five seemed to just fit right in.

“You know if things work out for you here you could potentially make a fine successor, Five.” Still, there was no mention of me. The Handler shed her silk coat to reveal a sleek black gown with several different red designs. A perfect gown for an unhinged woman.

The people around us stared at me and whispered good things from what I heard, but it was a scary thought to be the center of attention. Even though the actual people's attention I wanted were too focused on each other.

“I’d like to discuss the logistics of my family's safety at your earliest convenience. as well as this body replacement.” Five said in an almost robotic tone.

She laughed. “Such chutzpah! It’s refreshing I’ll admit. Slow down five. all in good time.” The Handler continued speaking when we reached the top of the staircase. “Now that you two have agreed to work with us. We’ve got all the time in the world.”

I stopped. I froze. Whatever I did. They seemed to notice that I ceased moving. The last thing she said didn’t make any sense to me. “Stop it, just stop this. Look, I didn't agree to do anything. I don’t know why I'm here. I can't get a straight answer. I rejected your company once so why do you think you can just have me now?” I raised my voice, which caused workers to stop and stare.

All The Handler did was smile, she did not react to what I had to say. She looked at a worker nearby, and he left and reappeared with some woman. She was tall, and her hair was kept old-fashioned in an updo. She carried a book in her arms. “Dot.”

“Yes?” Dot spoke with a sweet tone.

“Would you please show Number Five where his new headquarters is?”

“Of course!” She ushered for Five to follow her but before he left he gave me one last glance, I couldn’t even look at his eyes though. Once he left I thought for sure I was dead. I offended her and this is the end unless I fight my way out of this.

The handler looked at me, almost like she was sizing me up. “Walk with me,” she said softly. The anger I expected was nowhere on her face. She looked almost happy, something that felt out of place in a building like this.

..

We walked in silence for a bit as she led me down the hall. “What is your goal in life, Number Zero?”

“Y/n, my name is Y/n.”

“I’m sorry. What is your goal in life, Y/n?”

My mind went back to the conversation I had with Vanya, about feeling stuck. I have nothing to say to her because I don’t have a goal in life. I spend every day trying to just get past it so I can see the next morning. Except for when I hang out with Klaus and now when I’m running around trying to help solve the apocalypse.

I say nothing back.

"That's all right dear that’s why we’re here.” She shoots a caring look at my sad face.

But then I go from pitying myself to remembering I’m basically being held captive. I need to remind myself that I need to get out of here. “What do you guys want from me?” I said, plainly.

The Handler looks a little bit annoyed before answering. “We want you to reach your full potential.”

I scoff. “And what is that?”

We stop at a door. “Before I answer, would it be easier to talk sitting down? Let’s go into my office.” I only nod at her. Whatever gets me more answers I guess. As soon as I entered the room, I was filled with an immediate sense of dread. The room itself was fine, almost every wall was covered in bookshelves, it almost made me forget that this was an office and not a library.

Her desk was large, as large as her personality. It was neat, yet unorganized with a bunch of things on it. She quickly sat down in her spinny chair as I looked around the room.

“You’re a fan of books, right? You could read anything you want in here.”

I turn my head towards her. “I never told you that.” I snap.

But she ignores me. “I have all the greats, dating back from Shakespearean times, I’m a bit of a collector as you could see.” She giggles.

I once again had to refocus myself as I sat down in the chair directly in front of her.

“Right to the point I see, well I’ll try to be quick. We have other tasks to do together.” She grabs the glass of water on her desk and takes a big gulp before getting started.

“The truth is Number Zero, we’ve been watching you even before the apocalypse date. The Umbrella Academy itself is a bit of a local celebrity to us. But you in particular could make this place so much better.. We need people like you, not only for your powers of regeneration but your mindset. Back when you were a child, you used to be a killing machine. I mean nothing Sir Reginald made you do would phase you!” My face dropped as she went on.

“As you can tell, I run a tight operation here and just between you and me some of these people are emotional, but if we had more soldiers like you.. well, let’s just say there wouldn’t be any desertion.”

“So what do you say? Come work for us? Of course, you get all the benefits. Health care, not that you need it. Housing, meals every day, hell, I’ll even throw in a new job title. How would you like to be the head of the department?” She was practically buzzing with excitement that I would say yes to this horrible agreement.

As I listened to her words I started picking my skin on my fingers, and it started to be very hard to breathe. She wants me to do the thing I ran away from? No. I can’t go back.

“Y/n?” She calls out.

My lungs felt on fire.

“Y/n? Darling”

My head was spinning.

“Speak to me.”

My eyes were darting around the room.

“We can do this together.”

My ears are ringing.

I think I was having a panic attack.

I was so sick and tired of the false comfort I was getting. I was tired of five. I was tired of thinking of Ben. I was tired of thinking of the apocalypse. So many things were circling my mind, so many people needed me to help them

I needed to look out for Klaus. I needed to look out for Diego. Where is my comfort? Who is looking out for me? I can’t be on my own. At first, I thought that person was Ben but then I lost him too. I need someone. And then I thought it was with him. I needed someone to fall back on but now he’s gone. And it was all my fault.

I opened my mouth, but only shrieks and whispers came out. The handler looked dazed, almost thrilled that I was freaking out.

“No..“ I whispered.

She raised an eyebrow. “No?”

“You can’t put me back there. I can’t do this again.” My throat let out an awful voice crack. “I’m not a soldier, I’m a person. I will never be a soldier not again doesn’t matter if it’s for you or if it’s for the greater good, I was already lied to about that once. My answer is no.” I glared at her.

I whispered, “And if you don’t get me home. I will stop every organ in your body from working, don't test me. I’ve done it before.”

She smirked. “Trust me, I know you have. That's why I know you won’t do it to me. No. I remind you too much of your mother, the woman who gave you away. That’s why you were staring at me so hard and also my pretty dress, just like hers. Lovely isn’t it?”

“That's not true!” I yelled.

“I know everything about you, B/n. That’s the name, isn't it? The one your mother gave you? You were such a cute kid.”

B/n? Who's that?

There's no way I'd forget my own name.

“No matter how much you try to trick me I won’t do it.” I cried out.

She slammed her hands on her desk, while never breaking her smile.“I don’t need to trick you. This is what you want. You want purpose, after you left Reginald there was no one to tell you what to do, that was until you found your boyfriend and after he left, sorry! Let’s not lie, we both know he didn’t leave.”

“You know, you and Five just have to be related, you're the same person. You two both need purpose and I can give it to you here!”

The happy woman had disappeared. Now I am seeing her true nature; she's conniving she only wants power. She wants my power.

“Excuse me, I am a fan of the dramatics. I don’t know why we're even doing this. You have to do this.

My stare falters. “What?”

“In order for some sort of sanctuary from the apocalypse, which we both know will never work. Five promised the both of you two to work here, to save your glorious family.”

“Fuck you! That’s not true.” I stand up from my chair.

“Go ask him yourself. I'm not holding you hostage in this room. Or better yet check my body, if I'm lying my heartbeat should falter or something like that?” She sips more water.

I try my best to find a lie in her senses, but she’s telling the truth. “You're right.” I gasp.

She grins. “Honestly that is just astounding. Your powers are amazing. This is exactly why we need you!” She claps her hands.

I don’t feel the same sentiment. My brother, adopted or not, is going to force me to work here away from my home, away from my semblance of reality for an apocalypse we probably can’t beat for the apocalypse, where I am the only one destined to live by myself forever away from my world. Why am I always destined to hurt?

“All right, enough of that, come now we need to get your uniform. I hope you’re okay with a suit after all that’s what everyone wears. And oh! I can get your first assignment. This is going to be wonderful. I see a future for us, together.” The Handler gushes

She stands up and walks to the door. “Are you coming? Number Zero.”

This will never be over. I don’t know why I followed her. My body moved on its own following its commands, like it always has.

She led me to the suit department of the commission, where a man and his late fifties worked. He looked at me with some bit of sorrow, but I just looked at the floor as the handler told him my measurements. Which she knew, I’m guessing from watching me.

..

She then pushed me into the bathroom and told me to get changed. I slowly put on the uniform, shedding myself off my normal clothes the last bit that made me, me. I walked out of the bathroom like a zombie.

“If it’s perfectly my, you're quite beautiful in a suit. One last thing, though I’m sorry your hair is amazing, but is sadly against the code. If you’re working, your hair needs to be up in a ponytail. Once you do that you’ll be done.”

She waits for me and expects me to do it myself, but I stare at my reflection in the mirror just like I have so many times before. “I can’t.”

“Oh! That’s my fault. I almost forgot.”

She grabs a brush from her dress pocket and does my hair for me. When she’s done she looks at her work. I look like I’m back in the Academy because it's the same way Gracie used to do my hair. This sick fuck probably memorized it.

I try to bite back my sobs, The Handler’s pale hand, holds onto the side of my face.

“Perfect.”

...

Taglist:

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[mxaether]

MITCH MARNER -VS- TORONTO MEDIA/TORONTO FANS/HIMSELF/EVERYONE (a playlist for when you love a thing so much, and it bites you)

track list and selected lyrics for each under the cut ❤️

1. I Want You So Bad I Can't Breathe - OK GO i want you, yeah, i want you/ i want you, yeah, i want you bad/ so bad i can't think straight/ so bad all my bones shake / so bad i can't breathe 2. Careful What You Wish For (the doctor said to) - Jack Harris something is missing/this predisposition/i feel like i'm living inside of my head 3. Who Made You A Monster? - Hael tricking the world to trust you/but everything that you say/is some kind of sordid lie/who taught you how to lie so well? 4. GOSSIP - Maneskin, Tom Morello welcome to the city of lies/where everything's got a price/gonna be your favourite place -- so sip the gossip, drink till you choke/sip the gossip, burn down your throat 5. Don't Be Nice - Watsky false modesty is a guilty habit/some people simply have it/but the fact is i would not have spent a decade doing this/if i did not believe i was at least a tiny bit ridiculously filthy at it 6. JEKYLL & HIDE - Bishop Briggs sweet and then you're sour/changes by the hour/never know which one i'll taste 7. End of It - Friday Pilots Club it's cruel you know/the way they've been treating you lately/get you real messed up on the daily 8. Nowhere Kid - Des Rocs inside of a maze you hide away/where nobody cares who you are/caught in a lie you can't escape 9. All For Us - Labrinth, Zendaya guess you figured my two times two/always equates to one/dreamers are selfish -- i'm taking it all for us, all/doing it all for love 10. Cruel Devotion - Night Club do you want me? tell me true/on my knees and now i'm begging you/loving you is such a cruel devotion 11. Who Are You, Really? - Mikky Ekko i have nothing left to prove/cause i have nothing left to lose/see me bare my teeth for you/who, who are you? 12. Heartbreak Feels So Good - Fall Out Boy is there a word for a bad miracle?/nobody said the road was endless/nobody said the climb was friendless 13. Some People - Dan Mangan cause it's too easy to be righteous when you eat what you've been fed/some people don't question what they've read/some people should 14. SELF-SABOTAGE - Waterparks i'll self sabotage/if you like when we talk i'll dislocate my jaw/what the fuck is wrong with me 15. Matches - Huxlxy bring me the ashes/set me alight/i'd rather burn than say goodbye 16. SICK - Chandler Leighton never let anyone see your guard down/too proud, just stop, keep my frozen/iced out, i'm six feet underground 17. Black Wave - K. Flay shaking in my own cage/what do i believe? i believe/waiting on a black wave/living under bad days 18. Middle Finger - Bohnes you show me love and then spit in my face/making your money off all of my pain 19. still feel. - half-alive when i'm furthest from myself/feeling closer to the stars/i've been invaded by the dark/trying to recognize myself when i feel i've been replaced 20. Rather Die - Barns Courtney i came to kill 'em, now i'm/wipin' the spit from my eyes/i take a beating but i/i'll never give up 21. Lake Effect Kid - Fall Out Boy oh i've got the skyline in my veins, forget your night time/sumer love on a gurney with a squeaky wheel/and joke us, joke us til Lakeshore Drive comes back into focus/i just wanna come back to life 22. Stronger - Kanye West n-now-now that, that don't kill me/can only make my stronger -- do anybody make real shit anymore?/bow in the presence of greatness/cause right now thou hast forsaken us 23. Bulletproof - La Roux, GAMPER & DADONI i won't let you turn around/and tell me now i'm much too proud/all you do is fill me up with doubt/this time, baby, i'll be bulletproof 24. What Do You Want - Nico Vega you can go ahead and hate me/for bringing in news, but you could still choose/ain't going to be a party/but you turn it all down, down, down/say, what do you want?/what do you want from me? 25. I'm Gonna Win - Rob Cantor you've seen me before, you'll see me again 26. Hero - Martin Harrix, JVKE

a thousand voices whisper noise/they plan my fall from grace/whoa-oh, i know/you say you want a hero, you don’t

[afniel]

Hi there's really vague (but kinda heavy?) Third Novel stuff under the cut, so don't spoil yourself if you don't want to know anything. Because there's a liiiiittle something something in there plus some art.

Man I'm like. Writing on chapter 2(?) of I Can't Believe It's Not A Trilogy (ICBINAT...world's worst working title) and this story is gonna need such a ridiculously huge content warning for suicidal ideation, way more than the first two, and the second has more than the first, so you know this one has got it bad.

And yet this is just kinda Where X Is At Right Now at the start of it, for Reasons (that I can't say further shit about until Outcome Unpredictable is all online, lol). I have a chapter and a half of, I dunno where or when it fits, just kinda disconnected noodling, and they were hard to write in the kind of way that's warning me that I don't really know what I'm doing with a character, just kinda slapping events together without much emotional weight to any of them or any real direction.

Then I kinda had a few revelations in a row, realized I was trying to lean way too hard on X to Just Be Better Already Dammit, and he was just coming out flat because he's not better already, dammit. Reploid Grandpa is 100% a fucked-up old veteran who's barely out of the hell he came from so yeah, he makes huge strides in his mental health, but he started at the bottom of a really deep hole. That's not a quick climb! It takes real life people decades to escape that hole, and they usually didn't go through it for 80+ years without a break. He's just gonna be down there, even if he's a lot higher than he started. (IRL veteran suicide rates are absolutely dismal too, and yeah, X's mental state very much reflects this at the point that I'm writing.)

Once again all I can actually do is write down the words as they happen and trying too hard to steer it myself only makes it stop working. Am I ever going to stop writing about this old man's mental health struggles? Uhh. Well, I've tried to stop twice, if that tells you anything. I swear he does get a happy ending and keep recovering. Well, maybe not that much physically, because Protagonist Who Stays Disabled And Isn't Magically Fixed is still a primary goal, here, and the story agrees with me on that, but even given that he could stand to be more comfortable even if he's not magically fixed. I dunno why this is where it's going but I think it's just my extreme commitment to What If This Stupid Video Game Plot Was Realistic Though. It's definitely realistic now! Maybe sometimes a little too much, but honestly, that's what makes it work, I think. It would never stick the landing if I stopped short of 100% painful sincerity, even if it's hard to look at sometimes. Feeling a bit like you're being invited to see and feel vulnerabilities that maybe aren't entirely your business when you're reading fiction is the secret sauce, if you ask me.

(At this rate I'm gonna have to update the author's notes at the end of Outcome Unpredictable because I'm making myself a goddamn liar. I straight up say I have no intent of writing a third one, but here I am, evidently doing that before the author's notes even hit the internet.)

I'm not gonna explain shit past that at the moment, so just feel free to conjecture amongst yourselves at the one thing I've kinda drawn in the ICBINAT era. This is about a year and a half from OU and 2 years from FtC, for the record. It is a truth universally acknowledged that if you leave an AU running unattended for long enough, even the canon characters will eventually turn into OCs.

(Also that if my coloring style gets any more rim light I'm going to be in Sonic Adventure style coloring territory...which would fuck severely, actually.)

[lostsbooks]

At the End of it All (Wattpad|Ao3)

use their human names in this, so the characters here are: Arttu = Tornedal Otso = Forest Finns Muuna = Kvens

 Story is set sometime in the 1960's

Also wrote a continuation to this, my oneshot Rememberances

━━━━━━━━ ✠ ━━━━━━━━

"You always said you wanted to die alone, Just you and the wilderness, One last hike before the end." I sighed, rubbing the palm of my hand nervously, trying to shake off the dread creeping in.

"I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to let you do that, old friend."

The dying man laughed a little. It was an odd sound, in his predicament, but I could understand. He looked up at the log ceiling, carefully handcrafted decades ago.

"I don't blame you. But-" a frown flickered across his face, as if a thought had struck him, "Muuna's not here right now, is she? And you didn't tell her? I don't want her to be here."

"It's bad enough you didn't tell me sooner, but no." I lied, knowing full well that my daughter was in the other room, likely listening to the conversation at hand, "She would've bitten my head off if I'd told her but not let her visit."

"Sounds like her. She never changed much, did she."

'says the stubborn fool' I wished to say, but just shook my head, "No, but Otso, I wish I'd been here, Known."

"Ach, Arttu, there's nothing you could've done." He spoke dismissively. Struggling to sit up in bed, but clearly trying to hide that. "Would've happened in time, We all know it. And I've spent my sentence in this hell. Knew I'd be here sooner or later."

"We'll miss you, you know." I said, and meaning it. "You've been here a long time, it's not a light thing to go."

"You don't mean that, I'm barely a footnote in the history books."

A faint smile appeared, "Just take care of the cabin, I'd hate to see it fall to ruin. And keep that bloody Sweden's paws off my property. I've had enough of dealing with her type."

I couldn't help but laugh, "Fair enough. I'll see to that. Anything else you'd like to say?"

He looked toward the window, covered in blankets to shield from the winter cold, "No. Just- move the blankets, would you? And put another log in the fire."

I nodded, getting up to do as he asked, the moon was almost full in the sky, filling the yard with light on the illuminated, sparkling snow. The wood crackled in the fire as it started to burn. Tall shadows danced on the walls from the fireplace, the flickering light making him seem older than he was. It still seemed like yesterday that we first met.

"Never thought I'd see the day where I outlived you." I sighed, "Feels like I'm older than half the world at this point."

"Least people still say your name," he scoffed, his face darkening "Only a few left out there who know my face."

Kneeling down beside him for a second, I took his hand in mine. It felt eerily cold.

"If there's anything left after this life, Wait for me. Even if it takes another thousand years, we'll see each other again, I won't forget you that easily."

He didn't react, just turning to look away, "You should get going now, It's gotten late. You have a long trip home in the winter."

I gave up, the conversation wasn't about to go any further. I knew him too well to try otherwise. Resigning myself to that fact, I left. Only briefly looking back before leaving the room.

"That bastard." Kvens whispered the moment I rounded the corner, "Who is he to tell me what I can or can't do?"

"He means the best," I said softly, taking my boots from by the door, "He doesn't wish to hurt you."

"Hurt me-? How? He's our friend. I practically grew up with him! We have a right to say goodbye. I just can't believe-" her voice caught in her throat, struggling between grief and anger.

"I know, it's hard. But it's what he wants. I'm sure the old fool would've kicked me out if he'd had the strength to do so." shaking my head, I put my hand on Kven's shoulder.

"He deserves the peace, he's more than earned it."

[radioactiveheadache]

just got off of a telehealth call with my psych, and i just need to put this out there.

for nearly two and a half decades, i struggled to rein in my energy when it came on strong, and i struggled to maintain the momentum. short bursts were my best friend and my worst enemy. when i was little, it was the more classic signs and symptoms of ADHD—restlessness, outbursts of emotion, leaving unfinished homework, projects, and chores in my wake. as i grew older, the outbursts never really stopped, but they changed.

i wasn't shrieking with excitement and running endlessly. i was irritable, anxious, and only getting worse as time went on. my overall mood suffered, and my relationships with anyone and everyone in my life suffered. my inability to finish things i started never improved. i had to take those precious moments of Go, Go, Go energy and ride them HARD, gunning for an end result like a greedy jockey on a starved and half-crazed horse. sometimes it worked, and the dopamine flood was worth all of the anxiety and the shaking hands. most times it got me anywhere from halfway to three-quarters of the way through, and i was left to stare in disgust (what's wrong with you? are you stupid? lazy? why can't you just do it??) and grief (i had such high hopes for this, i needed to finish it so badly, it's all a waste,) and shame (stop telling people you're doing things or they'll know when you don't finish them, and they'll know you're incompetent). ADHD was ruining my life, with absolutely no hyperbole. it was debilitating. i was not getting better. i got to a point where i just couldn't fucking TAKE IT anymore.

i've been taking Adderall XR for about two months. i have completed three art projects, one of which took nearly three weeks, and i've gotten more done at work. another art project is nearly finished.

i never knew i could feel like this. i never imagined that there would be a day where i'd sit down and work on something just for the idle joy of the work. i never believed, even with treatment, that there would be a time where my shaking hands would go away, my mind would be clear enough to enjoy the silence of a room, and i could sit still without tapping my feet or folding and unfolding my legs over and over.

i had a panic attack on day one because the idle mish-mash of sound in my head went away, and my hands went still for the first time in decades. it scared the shit out of me. my appetite suffers, and i have to be careful to eat enough in a day. i have to watch my blood pressure, make sure my fingers and toes stay warm and active, and force myself to sleep. i still have bad habits that i need to work on, not the least of which is where and how i focus my energy on necessary tasks. medicine doesn't fix your inclinations. but for the first time in 20-something years, for the first time in my conjurable memory, i feel in control of myself in a way i never believed was possible or part of my fate. i can regulate my emotions. i can finish a task. i can wrap up a project. i can think in full sentences and read without re-reading and sit in silence without my mind wandering too far.

i'm lucky. my psych is kind and understanding, and she wanted to help me from the jump; i made sure to choose her carefully. i was honest with her, and i got diagnosed with ADHD for the first time at 32, two months ago, in about fifteen minutes. i managed to get a medication that worked well for me on the first try. i don't know if it will last forever, but for right now, it's working. and it's working so much better than i ever imagined was possible.

it might not be that easy for you. you might have to go through a few practitioners, and a few medications. you'll probably have to jump through a few hoops (like drug tests), like i did. if you do get meds, you'll still have work to do. but if you're looking for a push from the universe to get help, and you have the means to do so, here it is. i know it's scary. i know it feels like a futile effort. i know, for my fellow Americans, that seeking medical help is getting more worrisome by the day—and it's not cheap, even with insurance. i know it feels like if you just push yourself a little harder you can get out of that hole without any outside help. i know it feels like if you do it now, all of the time you spent NOT doing it will be a waste. i know you're afraid you'll hate yourself—either the person you become, or the person you were that let this go on for so long.

your software won't change. your processor will. you'll be you. you'll have a tool set handed to you that you never imagined could fit in your hands. when you find a solution that works, whether it be medication or therapy or both or something else, you'll be grateful to the you that went to get help.

it'll be okay. and it'll be worth it.

[whoa-its-dani]

Some quick life-updates from yours truly:

Realized I was, in fact, nonbinary. Being honest with myself and being away from the internet really helped me figure that one out. I'm still largely in the closet, but I'm planning on where I go from here. I know I'm going to get top surgery or at least a reduction eventually, but that's a Future Leigh thing.

I developed a shellfish allergy which is a thing that can happen. Your body can just... decide it's allergic to shit. I know it's an immune system overreaction but wtf wtf wtf we've eaten shrimp and clams and crab our whole life wtf wtf wtf There's the slight possibility it was a spice or the ramen I was eating them with but like. It's more than likely the fucking shellfish.

I'm currently outside of the US right now and FAR away from home. I'm not immigrating, I'm just helping a friend with some housework and also getting my first vacay in like a decade. Also I dealt with quite a bit of ableism and assumed misogyny (bc still in closet) with immigration to the point they had to bring two different women officers to deal with my sitch. Like I don't wanna spread the stereotype of men being insensitive and women being "more compassionate" or w/e but yikes. I'm struggling so hard right now not to let that asshole taint all men. I'm beating that sexism back with a fucking bat.

My cynophobia is in severe decline, at least with smaller and some medium sized dogs! Anything bigger than like a corgi still triggers me (shaking, crying, panicking, etc.) but smaller dogs are so fucking cute and fun and snuggly!!! I love when they curl up in your lap and when they roll over for tummy rubs!!! I really miss my mom's dogs right now 😭 but I have a cat here so it's kind of ok

Had some True Crime shit happen to my family. My aunt (who's always been in poor health) passed away in her sleep. Her husband had her cremated asap, threw out all of her stuff, repainted the room she slept in, and then waited a week to tell the rest of the family... by text. Originally it looked like she had died in her sleep while he was at work, but then he admitted to his daughter (who then told the fam) that he had been home all day, that he lied to police about being at work, and that he was glad she was dead. So it's looking more and more like he killed her, or at least let her die. Like... he's always been an asshole. It's totally believable he killed her, but I hope (for everyone's sake) that he didn't and he's just being a selfish jackass who doesn't understand how sus he sounds.

My mental health has been the best it's been in years. I still have bad days (esp right now bc of the shit that happened with the border officer) but I'm kind of in awe that I'm like. Alive? Like I'm entering my late twenties. My first suicide attempt was when I was 11. I never imagined I would make it past 21. Bitch I'm still here!!! Life is not my problem, I am LIFE'S problem!

I learned how to make stroganoff and became mildly addicted to it for like a month.

Lived to see cicadas in the summer! Saw SO many!!! I think about them when winter makes me sad. They're my light at the end of the tunnel.

I ALSO SAW A BABY (ok more like a young) POSSUM!!! My dad discovered him in a box of apples we had outside. He was havin a FEAST lemme tell you. Boy went through like four apples that were about half his body size. Hell yeah.

I've currently been trying to exercise and strength train because I tried to climb a tree to get a cicada shell and yeah. I didn't even make it off the ground. Spaghetti ass arms. Right now I'm too sore from the travel (& stress & panic attack due to border issue) to see if my strength has improved, but I can definitely tell there are muscles in my arms and not just mush. Human bodies are so fucking weird and cool and shit.

I still remain uneducated and unemployed, but I actually checked out the GED study guide from the library earlier last year. I had a panic attack and ended up returning it, but... it's progress! A few years ago, I would've just passed it by. I actually opened it and looked in it and shit! Give me some more time and I'll actually be able to USE it and then get my GED and then bitche!!!! :D I've also decided I'm going to try to become a mortician. I doubt I have the patience to become a medical examiner, but I'd still like to work with the dead (not in a creepy way, I'm just better with dead folks) AND I got some family in the business back home (here's hoping I can use nepotism to my advantage teehee) so it's a good idea. I'm not saying it'll work out, but it's a plan.

I beat Pokemon Diamond again, and Skyrim. I made like four new characters but only ended up completing one (and they became a sneak archer because of course.)

I've done a little more sewing! I'm still kinda sucky at it and my brain can not figure out how the hell a back stitch works but I'm having a lot of fun!

Ok that's all I can think of right now but yeah. I'm surprised I haven't completely lost my mind yet but hey. There's still time 😌

I'll hopefully be more active on here in the upcoming days (bc I've missed my sweet little garbage trash site and all my gay little mutuals), but right now I'm just trying to exist in as little pain as I can. Very fatigued but also incredibly sore (shoulders, back, and legs).

I'm so grateful to all the kind messages and asks you guys have sent me while I was gone, and I hope your lives have been going well. Things are tough right now for everyone, and I hope you find the strength and support you need to go on. Fucking love you guys.

[comidyye]

ranting about my ryou bakura playlist <3

in terms of artists i think ryou would really like mitski,, hmm Evanescence??? he would really like old obscure creepy vocaloid songs. i dont have much 2 say 4 genres ,, just generally angsty sad slower songs remind me the most of him, But def some more ramped up angry songs too !! he deserves them !! Talking about specific songs and lyrics ↓ (lotso text)

"Please believe me when I say I've poured my whole past down the drain, say that a second chance is a chance I can take! But I can't make amends for things I can't remember, I can only say I'm sorry and occasionally pray..." (Half-Decade Hangover - Will Wood) "But I'm losing myself, and I'm afraid you're gonna lose me too. This magic keeps me alive, but it's making me crazy! And I need to save you, but who's going to save me? Please... forgive me for whatever I do." (Remember You Omnichord - Trillian) "Something dark is following me here without a trace... Is it real? Or in my head? I guess I'll find out when I wake up back home or dead. (THATS SUCH A BANGER LINE) ... With a piece of my mind as I'm caught, intertwined, Between the roads, of what's modern or old..." (Into the Pit - DHeusta & Dawko) [ oh fandoms colliding ! the song fits too well i Couldnt resist ] " 'You're not like me! I'm not like you! I'm not who these things happen to!' And that's exactly what you say before they do!" (BAD LUCK! Jhariah)

"There's a ghost, in my home! But it's better than being alone... Yes, my house is haunted! That's the way I want it!" (Ghost - nelward)

"My thoughts are filled with cruel intentions! Maybe my conscience is possessed! It's no use I can't control it! Maybe it's a sign not to quit.." (Bad Blood - Creature Feature) "I'm just a side character to your main spotlight... ...You'd be nicer to me, If you saw the true me, But you won't get woke to that 'til I'm gone." (Side Character - Cloudfodder) going more in depth with these songs:

The entirety of PHANTASM - JACK THE STRIPPER (( heavy cw for suicide )) heavy bakura vibes, the way it references the horror genre so much and casually referencing (( suicide ) with such an upbeat tone, very much reminds me how even though how we usually see bakura so happy or just goofin off and stuff , but Really the entirety of his story and what's going on with him is ... Really sad. I think it was someone else on tumblr? it was someone somewhere that pointed out hey 'freeze your brain' Reaaly matches ryou. and they are SO right! How both of the characters switch between schools constantly. And how both of their moms died. both of which are explored in that song, and also its just generally sad and angsty !! "Forget in six weeks, you'll be back on the road! When the voice in your head, says you're better off dead!"

Also the entirety of Ugly Story - Phemiec (( thank u homestuck if only for this persons music) reminds me very much of bakura's and yami bakura's dynamic. Ryou is being controlled and used when he doesn't want to be "I might be a killer but one day I shall be queen, and put an end to slaughter... In someone's spider web, or net I could be caught... But I'm too bitter, better off alone, guess I forgot..." Also generally sad and somber (this song is a duet i imagine between ryou and his yami .. ) "A parasite needs a host- I'm only trying to do what is best for us! Well I never asked for this, I never wanted this! All that I want is some time to myself! ...I'm just just reminiscing, (Just STOP reminiscing!) I just want you here with me! (I just want my privacy!) God, can't we just get along? (God, won't you LEAVE me ALONE!)" (Evelyn Evelyn - Evelyn Evelyn) (highly recommend <3) other songs of note that are so made for him Familiar Haunt - RL Another Song About Ghosts - Joy Again Exorcism - CreepP, Lollia (!!!!!) What The Water Gave Me - Mishkin Fitzgerald Watch Your Back - Junie & TheHutFriends Friends. - Omori (also some other omori ost songs, esp ones associated with basil Because they are so the same.)

In all i love him and only wish the best for him. im going to explode the millennium ring for traumatizing him : o) Also.. i have a yami yugi (season 0) playlist ill probably also do this for <3

[marsupieaux]

Using this inaugural grad school tumblr post to just yell about my woes bc idk, life is objectively not bad but I am really feeling the frustrations of living in a new city and the time crunch of only having 2 years in this mf.. mostly just feel old and lonely, and I can't think of a sadder more pathetic combo ~

on the plus side: i've never been hotter in my entire life, i finally found a groove and a crumb of inspiration in my coursework, arguably had the best summer of my life meeting new friends, and even more debatedly experienced a type of romantic connection for the first time in nearly a decade that i actually believed in.

what sucks is a lot, but lets start with that this masters program is presenting a lot more annoying and (frankly) heartbreaking challenges than i anticipated that have fractured my perception of this place and my purpose being here. i had such high hopes and expectations and truly just fantasized about this opportunity for years, and now that i'm here, i just feel more let down than inspired. at least for right now. i don't know if this is for me; i feel like i can be successful at it, forsure, but i end most days feeling empty inside. at least a little bit. i'm adding all these caveats bc it's true, some days and mb even quite often i can find something positive about this experience and how i'm growing bc of it, but good lord.. i do not fuck with at least half of the people im obligated to interact with in this program, everybody kinda already has their own people and i don't feel like there's opportunity for me to actually find friends to be with, and the coursework itself was off to a bumpy start and is just not giving what i thought it would. i'm mustering up the patience to push thru this bc i know it's not even a month in, but fuck! i'm lonely and old and i only have 2 years here to make the most of it.

secondly, and i'm probably gonna just word-vomit right now bc i'm still not entirely sure of what to make of things, but i definitely got my little heart broken recently. i started going on dates with a guy in an open relationship, and long story short, i for some reason was led to believe that maybe i could be his boyfriend too. it turns out that was never the case and probably won't ever be the case. i'm trying to make peace with that fact bc, like, i obviously respect that boundary and the kind of love that this person and their partner have with one another, but fuck! what the fuck were we doing all summer long then? just opening up our hearts to one another, sucking each other's dicks, going on picnic dates, kissing and cuddling in our beds—doing all of this just for fun?

i'll forever be grateful that this person touched my heart and helped me unearth a side of myself that i hadn't experienced in so fucking long. like, just genuinely grateful bc romantic love has felt so weird and shameful and like something i had to forbid myself from experiencing. and so when i got to really feel that feeling again... i felt so lucky and so happy and so grateful. but fuck! now i'm left with lingering hopes and mixed emotions about it all. did he lead me to believe that this could've been something greater? or is it more that i walked into this blithely ignorant, setting myself up for disaster? idk what version of reality stings the most. i wanna believe in not just the goodness of this person's heart but also the righteousness of it, idk. if i liked him so much.. if i trusted him like i did, then how could he do this to me? i say this jokingly but also not, i am just a baby when it comes to dating again. and i also wanna believe that i did the right thing, chased after love rather than ran from it. that i was brave and gentle and that it was okay to let my guard down for once bc i was gonna get the ending that i deserve. i spent years, especially the last 1.75, building myself back up to a place to let this kind of romantic love back into my life. i finally felt confident and ready. to think that i myself made a mistake and played with my own heart... that just makes me hate myself with how much disappointment I feel.

just so im clear with myself, i do believe that i'm coping much better with these stresses in my life much better than i ever would have before. *screams internally* but it sure as FUCK isn't any easier. i think i would be in a much better head space if i felt like i had a stronger network of friends here, but i just don't have that. and my own network of amazing beautiful loving friends and family—they're just so far and have their own things going on. with time, they're all growing more in their romantic partnerships and other friendships nearer to them in a way that's so cool to bare witness, but it also means that i get left further and further behind. im not asking to be more of a priority in their lives by any means, but shit i guess i wish that i even had anybody that saw me in that way. someone or some kind of community that i can feel connected with and love on back. i fear that i don't rly have that anymore. it's hard to find that again in new places, too.

i'm cautiously optimistic. i've been hurt and scorned and disappointed, but i don't think i'll turn (prolongedly, incessantly) weak or sour. life is always gonna remind me that i can't have it all, but god damn it, this is all that i got. i'm gonna find the wherewithal to persevere even if it means fashioning out of my ass the inspiration and purpose to keep going. like mitski said, you kinda just have to buckle up and take the good that comes with the bad. so if these first few weeks i find myself white knuckling my way to peace and happiness, then so fucking be it. by any means necessary, im gonna be okay.

i'm gonna be okay.

[lovefromyouryoungmom]

4/4/23

Sofia,

Your dad quit his job yesterday, he'd been there almost a decade. To be completely honest he shouldn't have, we don't have the money for it and rent is two days away. However we pulled everything from his 401k and it should be available soon, I just hope soon enough. I'm saying this in hopes that in the years to come we never find ourselves here again, but I want you to know where we come from. If your dad's new business works out and this leap of faith was the right move, I want you to know it terrified us both.

We've been trying to say when, more often. When things work out, not if. Things have no choice but to work out. When, because the universe doesn't like lying and therefore hopefully won't make liars of us. When, because your future depends on it.

We've been jokingly calling cleaning up after you go to bed "the night shift", but it's less of a joke and more just true. Obviously I expect nothing else, you're only a year and a half, you get to make all the mess in the world- your dad, however. I don't know what I expected, well I do but I don't know why I expected anything different. I hoped he'd quit and come home happy finally and we'd spend at least the first day afterwards together, but he spent all day gone just to go to sleep at 4:30pm while I did bedtime and bath and now the nightshift section of the night.

I hope that things are so different as you read this that what I'm saying is laughable, but sometimes I wonder if your dad was the wrong choice. I'm so grateful to him for you and for giving me the ability to be home with you this long, he's a wonderful dad and I'm sure still is, but as a partner, at least in this phase of life, it's complicated. He's just not right, he doesn't fit where we both hoped he would.

Alternatively though, sometimes I think it's just me, that I have higher hopes and expectations than I should. That the idea of a Disney prince is still lingering. And even farther still, he's a good friend. We laugh often and he tries hard to be the person I want him to be. Or maybe all the pain and mistakes we made because we're so young just put a crack in the middle of everything and I haven't given it enough time to heal yet.

I talk often and loudly about changing cycles and breaking generational curses, but maybe your grandparents believed they would too and even if it wasn't enough, maybe they still broke some curses and that's where I find myself as well. I parent better than my parents but my choice of partner followed that same line of bad partners. I don't mean any of this to slander your dad or twist him into a monster, but if we run from the man he used to be and you find those thorns in yourself later without knowing who he used to be, maybe you wouldn't tell us. Maybe you'd think we couldn't possibly understand when really the vines are there from our mistakes.

By the time you read these we'll have long since told you that your dad was an alcoholic, we'll have done our best to teach you about addiction and how heavily it runs on both sides of what made you possible. You'll know the things he did that he regrets and can't take back as a cautionary tale, but I also know you'll be too young to think of me as anything but a mom- I won't exist in the idea of how hard living the other end of those things was. None of this is for sympathy, I don't want you to hate your dad or hate me, but the other side of the cautionary tale of addiction is how much you hurt the people you love, and frequently, how that pain never goes away completely.

But maybe I feel differently in your time. I'm what now, 42? 43? Older? Tell me, my love, did I get wiser? Am I less incredibly dramatic? Did I do a good job being your mom? A secret from future to past, a whisper, a thought, was I the mom you needed? I have this foggy idea of you, criss cross on your bed reading these and rolling your eyes at how dramatic I was when I was younger. All those times I've probably called you dramatic, I'm sure a phone call or text to tell me I was really the dramatic one isn't far from your mind. I hope you do, I hope you call me and laugh at me and call me ridiculous and I hope I remember standing here, in our kitchen with soap on my hands, KNOWING damn well I am dramatic and knowing that you will be as well. I wonder how close the image in my head is to what's happening right now for you. Do you have someone with you? A partner? A friend? Are you loved and cared for and do you have someone to love and care for? Are you gay? Straight? Asexual?

It's nothing to you, the blink of an eye. But my god my way around is going to be quite long and also far too short all at once. I want to know you so badly. Do you have short hair? Long hair? Did it darken with time? What do you do? Are you in college or a career that you enjoy? Are you happy? I worry about you so much. All the time. Every second of every day and in every dream I have. I guarantee that even in your time you're still in every dream I have. You are so beautiful in yourself right now, I can't imagine how blindingly amazing you are reading this.

I love you so much. I hope you're happy, I hope me and your dad are happy.

I'll see you on the next page my love

[500days-of-autumn]

11:22 pm, 21st of dec ‘24

Years have already passed since my first blog post. It’s crazy how fast time has flown, and yet, I can still remember the exact moment I decided to start this account — with the help of a friend I’ve never even met in real life (missing her extra today!). And here I am, still writing, still reflecting, still moving forward.

It's odd to think how something as simple as starting a blog could turn into a marker of time in itself.

I also just finished watching Lovely Runner, a series centered around the idea of time and the beauty that lies within it. It made me realize how our actions revolve around the idea of making the most out of everything because we’ve been told to believe that, although time is infinite in itself, our time isn’t.

We often label ourselves as productive or lazy based on a simple measure: what time we wake up. A productive day is one where we get up early, check everything off our to-do list, and squeeze in as much as possible. If we sleep in until 11 AM, we feel like we’ve somehow failed. We pack our days so full, as if time is a resource to be hoarded, used up efficiently. Even in pop culture, movies often revolve around the idea of having limited time, with the protagonist making extra efforts to stop it from running out.

The idea of time as something fleeting and irreplaceable does feel like a heavy weight at times, urging us to rush through life, as if we’re running out of it. Time has always been associated with the idea of beginnings and endings. We measure our lives in moments: the start of a race, the sound of an alarm clock, the countdown before a big event. We record time, marking its passage with every new second. Even this post of mine is tethered to a moment in time — it’s a record, a snapshot of where I am right now, in this fleeting instant.

Minutes ago, I found myself reading old letters for me from people who were once, and still are, part of my life. I admit that it made me tear up, reading how they saw me six years ago, and how, even now, I still relate to their words. Most of them are people I’m not close with anymore, and some have been completely cut off from my life. In fact, I can count the number of people remaining in my life on my own hands.

Just thinking about it now, I don’t think that the 16-year-old me would have ever imagined how much I would value those letters post-teenage years. I don’t think she even thought about how grave the changes in her life would be, or how time would fly so fast that she wouldn’t even realize the changes until she stumbled upon these half-decade-old letters to remind her of how quickly time went by.

One common theme that stood out in the letters was how many of my friends didn’t expect to be close to me, just like the people I’m with now. They expressed their love for me, often saying how selfless I was — that I put others first, even at the expense of myself. Maybe it’s just who I am, a people-pleaser who always does more than what’s expected. But reading these words now, I can’t ignore how much I've become aware of this pattern.

I see it, I feel it, but that awareness hasn’t led me to take action. It feels like I’m stuck in a loop of self-awareness that doesn’t quite translate into change.

Sometimes, being aware doesn’t equate with wanting to do anything about it.

For some reason, I thought: Have I always been like this ever since?

I’m trying to work on it, though. It’s a strange realization to be reading these words at a point in my life where I am consciously distancing myself from others, wanting to prioritize myself now. It’s like the very things I was praised for back then — my selflessness, my ability to care — have now become the things I need to work on changing.

The irony isn’t lost on me: I’ve gone from being the person who gave everything to everyone else to someone who is now actively pulling away, trying to find balance. And it feels a little crazy to think about how much I’ve shifted.

What’s even more jarring is how much comfort I found in those letters, though they come from people who no longer walk through my life. If someone were to ask me how I feel now, I’d say I feel self-pity. The person they admired back then, the one they believed in, is now stuck in a place where she doesn’t feel the same way about herself.

I find it ironic that I’m holding on to words from people who aren’t even part of my life anymore, but it’s as if I’m grasping at any remnants of validation I can find. My avoidance of others has left me with no one to talk to, and I feel the weight of that loneliness.

And I find it crazy that those letters are evidence that, although changes happened around me, they still didn’t happen within me. Everything changed, but I didn’t.

Maybe that’s the deeper truth we tend to ignore: in the end, time is an invisible force that will pass, no matter how hard we try to hold onto it. The real beauty lies in accepting that it’s fleeting, embracing the uncertainty, and allowing ourselves to experience those moments fully — not just trying to make them “worth it,” but letting them shape us in ways we don’t always expect.

[jodilin65]

I need to clear my mind of the negative thoughts swirling around in it. Tom is napping—he’s always tired on donation days.

Yesterday, I cried more than I had in months. I was suddenly overwhelmed by the thought of him not being here, and how utterly alone and devastated I would feel. On top of that, I’d be left to handle everything he takes care of—things that would be so hard for me to manage. He seems to think I could make it without him and talks about how the payments would be automated, how Medicare gives you 50 free rides a year, etc. But I know I wouldn’t survive the heartbreak and loneliness. The idea of waking up every day without him—no more golfing, no more jumping in the car with him driving—it would just drain the life right out of me. I keep trying to remind myself not to dwell on things that haven’t happened yet, but it’s easier said than done.

I know there's a slim chance I could go first, but that doesn't feel much better. I wouldn’t want to leave him alone, even though he’s more capable than I am. I’d never want to abandon him, just like I never want to live without him. If I did, I would have left him by now.

He seems to take aging as just a fact of life, and he handles it well, but it's still hard to see him grow old. He’s still capable, but it's not like it was 30 years ago, especially with his shaking. His memory is still better than mine, though he’s become a little more forgetful. I’ve told him there’s no way I’ll live the 5 to 15 years I might survive after he’s gone, assuming he dies around the age his father did, in his mid-80s. I keep telling him we need to be prepared, and he always says we’ll have warning when his time is near.

I believe that’s probably true. I've always had a psychic sense that he might get some kind of terminal cancer in the end. But I could be wrong. He might have a sudden heart attack or be in an accident. Florida is full of accidents. Either way, nothing will change my mind—I’ll go when he does unless I'm surprised by going first. I just don’t see that happening, though.

Why can’t I just live in the moment? I don’t understand why it's so hard for me, why my mind keeps drifting to the worst possible scenarios when we’re not even there yet—and likely won’t be for nearly two decades.

In other news, the redneck posted another video of the nutjob's “garden.” It’s about a minute and a half long. Supposedly, she doesn’t have electricity or running water over there, and now there’s talk of her being evicted. I get why the redneck and Julie would be thrilled, but I’m not sure I like that idea because she’s quiet and I’m not next to her. That wide driveway would be perfect for motorcycles, and the two lanais would be inviting to dog owners.

Speaking of motorcycles, I probably shouldn’t jinx myself by saying this, but I haven’t heard the ones behind the honker in a while.

Toni posted that while she was away, someone removed the fog light from her car and tried to move a large planter but only managed to shift it a foot—it was too heavy. I hope no one tries to steal our bench. I wonder if they’d be tempted if it was out front. It’s worrisome and a reminder that crime can happen anywhere. My bike was stolen in an upscale gated community in California, after all.

On a lighter note, I ordered a few things from Amazon:

- Glucose strips to get a sense of where my blood sugar is at these days. - Two bottles of floor cleaner—one lavender-scented, the other watermelon-scented. - Dust mite spray for bedding. - Fertilizer for the lemon tree. - A larger happy light for my desk.

[crazy8diary]

The last few days have been better than the days before... Enjoying my home and time to myself... Glad to see family and friends and know I need to socialize but want to better prepare myself for what's in my near future...

I want to impress people women mainly by making them laugh and giving them my thoughts experiences and heart 💝 wrapped all up as a gift

Privacy is important to me and I don't want to distance myself from interaction with others for mental reasons... I do well joking with these people... Maybe it helps me maybe it makes me look like a fool but idc because I'm just being my true self and showing out is my way of flirting 😜

I may find reasons to message some women that I make take interest in on different sites but mostly waiting to answer messages because I know some women are lonely looking for a man that's right for them at the time...

I just want someone to step in and help...

I would step into someones life but very weary of the consequences that could come from that and I don't go to party's, bars, strip clubs, tha club or any of that bs because I'm trying to make it till tomorrow my friend...

Afraid of most human get togethers or large gatherings but if I know everyone I get along fine.

Been watching my regular line up of shows on few channels... Ready for smackdown and wanting to start watching raw again when I get Hulu and wifi here at my home in February I hope.

I've got to get my birth certificate, new ID, resend for my EBT card because it's damaged and taped...

Still need to look up how to sell on ebay and get my shit together... Those delicious peppers should sell themselves if I have enough and I'm sure I will... Not look to take up to much dirt and wanting to keep my property looking good...

Supposed to have someone bring some bricks and start cooking food outside like a grill... A make shift cooking station... Definitely doing steaks and ribs and probably veggies and beef cobbobs... Would love to cook breakfast on a fire or by heat lol.

Life is good and only getting better ...

I'm in a good place in my life and I don't want it to end... My whole life has built up to this and I don't want to see myself unhappy especially after all that's happening and happened with family and friends... I'm always happy and that matters most to me besides my pets and what my family thinks of me and others too... Won't a good portfolio and not a poor one ...

I ate at Jersey Mike's and have to say their spicy big kahuna Philly cheese steak was hot right out the oven and delicious as a mf... Mnnnn... I may go back and try to find some spicy chicken sandwichs or get the big kahuna again... Damn it was huge and delicious man...

I will always love the way I care for myself... I do better than I ever have and I'm proud of myself and hope I can look back proudly on my adult life as an old man and love each sec, minute, half hour, hour, 12 hours, day, night week, month, year, decades and life

Log #5 I believe...

(A beautiful life)

Thank you for all the views

[queerloquial]

thoughts so far

- being a drow fucks

- being a paladin Really Fucks

- I'm actually tempted to use the worms?? like normally when games do the "ehehe here's an option to acquire Power but it has A Cost" I'm like lol no thanks idiot but. I keep finding myself going "maybe a little illithid power could be okay..." Slippery Slope, Babes

- general party setup: me (ancients paladin) + astarion (assassin with bow) + wyll (fjord criticalrole really opened my eyes to how warlocks can be useful) + karlach/lae'zel swapping out

- i'd thought i'd like shadowheart more than I do. 90% chance it's just her early personality not vibing with me, but also getting her approval is super slow for me bc. I just never take her anywhere. don't need to. I've got heals + potions, the party has 3 melee fighters, and there's not a lot of utility magic in this game so that's half the point of a cleric out the window (at least compared to what I prioritize when making actual-dnd clerics)

- did Not expect to like lae'zel as much as i do. it's partly bc I know already that she Can Get Better but also I find her directness and intensity relatable

- gale is alright, but like shadowheart suffers from "sorry we've got two casters in the party already" and "jfc are my only spell options to deal direct damage to one (1) target or to waste a slot on something useless in combat" (I want utility! crowd control! set up environmental or status conditions that the others can exploit! aloth pillarsofeternity was a permanent fixture in my party not bc he could kill things real good but bc he could hit a whole cluster of enemies from forever away and set things up for my fighter pc to McFuck Everyone Up)

- i went into this believing wyll and karlach would be my faves and i am correct

- have not met halsin yet, much less any other companions

- this camera is so finicky s2g. I almost got stuck in this gnoll cave because I was underground but had somehow managed to get the camera above ground and could not for the life of me return it to the party. it took three solid minutes of trying to find the precise angle and zoom level to reach a point where i could get any reachable ground on screen to gradually direct the party to the surface

- I didn't realize that the party supply bag in my inventory contributed to my encumbrabce for the longest time. I am a terrible hoarder and will pick up Every Lootable Item so you can guess how frequently I was popping back to the grove to try to regain a few pounds of inventory space until I discovered the problem (and the Send Item To Camp option...)

- I pushed the maturity slider in chargen all the way to the end and my pc still looks like. mid 30s. maybe 40 at worst in certain lighting. hashtag just elf things ig?? I've seen other people's characters, i know they can look sufficiently aged!

- mmmmm i like my pc, haelra. big tol beefy drow enby

- I think they were originally a mercenary, probably classed as a fighter, though with a quiet interest in arcana and a fascination with the mages employed by their company. eventually crossed paths with a sunny purple tiefling, a devotion paladin, who caught not only their interest but eventually their heart. over time they grew close, enough that haelra left the company to marry them. several decades of settling and asventuring and settling somewhere new, until the spouse aged and died naturally. imagine it's been another decade or so since then, and haelra returned to life on the road, leading to whatever got them on the nautiloid and started the game. the guardian, naturally, took the shape of their spouse, later in their life but still strong and healthy and with a soft, comforting smile

so my partner came to my state this week + i spent a lot of the time playing bg3 on xir laptop

might have to bump it up my priority list, this shit is fun once you've got your feet

[thekingofthieves]

When did you realize you wanted more than friendship with Hiei?

Hm, well... I suppose that depends on if you consider "wanting to have sex" consituting as "more than friendship." Sleeping with friends and allies was basically the norm for me before I took this human form. I never experienced romantic attraction before Hiei, so I was pretty casual about sex back then.

I was physically attracted to Hiei from the beginning, honestly. He has this captivating impish beauty to him I noticed even during our short spar upon our meeting. And then, even though his torso was wounded when I removed his cloak and shirt to heal him, it was hard not to fixate on the shape of his body and lean muscles... It was also difficult to keep my thoughts from wandering when I had such a hot demon lying in my bed after I tended to him. 😅 Thankfully I had myself under control by the time he woke up...

Considering I was going through a second puberty at the time because of my human form, was simultaneously too young physically but too old mentally for any humans around, along with not having sex for over a decade when I used to have it practically all the time, and I killed most other demons I encountered in the Ningenkai due to their hostility... Hiei, well, ended up as the sole subject of my desires. 😅

I flirted quite heavily with him from the get-go, to which he initially just rolled his eyes at and assumed I was just messing with him. Though after some months went by, once he realized how serious I was- or perhaps it was when he started returning my desires- it was very amusing seeing him fighting to remain stoic when he was so clearly getting flustered. Hiei blushing so hard but acting pissed off to try combating his feelings is incredibly adorable. ♡

Though, ah, to be honest, when it came to realizing the romantic attraction I later developed for him, I was... not the sharpest about it. 😅 I've been under the assumption for all my life that I was incapable of developing romantic feelings (and I'm still not really sure how I fell for Hiei so hard and so easily). So when I was having clear signs of crushing on him, I simply just... didn't think much of it. I chocked up the giddiness I felt around him- and constant thoughts of when I'd see him next- to me simply having been incredibly lonely before we met. My nonsexual desires to be close I had figured was from my physical attraction mixing with lonliness and being touch starved. When you've never been romantically attracted to someone your whole life and assume you never will, it makes it a little hard to spot if you actually develop a crush on someone. 😅

Funnily enough... my mother realized I had feelings for Hiei before I did. Apparently she had long suspected I may have been gay, considering I always attracted a lot of girls in my class but never pursued anything with them. Which... the situation was more complicated than that- what with my true age, demon energy, and aromanticism- but she ultimately wasn't wrong about me preferring men.

It was I believe around half a year after I met Hiei when my mother had sat me down one day to talk. She told me that there's nothing that could make her stop loving me, that I don't have to hide anything from her, and asked me if there's anything I wanted to share... which made me freeze in place, because I thought she might've somehow figured out I was a demon, and I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she could be so calm and accepting if that was the case. I cautiously asked her if there's something she thought I was hiding, to which she sighed and gave me one of her usual loving smiles as she brushed some hair from my face, then left her hand on my shoulder. She said she saw the way I am with Hiei, and that I don't need to hide it if we're dating because she has no problem with me being gay... To say I was shocked at that turn would be an understatement, frankly. I told her that we weren't dating- though, with quite a bit of stuttering as this completely blindsided me.

Though, it was nothing in comparison to when she asked next if it was a crush then, and suddenly things in my mind started to click and... lord, I can only imagine how red my face must have suddenly gotten. And judging from the way my mother started giggling, it must have been quite a bit. Even in front of her, it's not often I lose my composure like that. 😅

I couldn't believe I never realized before then that I had developed a crush on Hiei- in hindsight it was so unbelievably obvious. And I also couldn't believe that out of everyone in all of the worlds, the one exception I have to my aromanticism is someone that's even worse with feelings than I am. It was already hard enough to get Hiei to simply concede to us being friends, so with this new knowledge of my attraction, it was... a challenge threading the needle between displaying this unfamiliar interest of mine, while also trying not to come on too strongly with genuine emotions and make Hiei run for the hills. It wasn't until a while after our heist in the Reikai that we finally started dating.

[askaborderline]

Hey, I need some advice. I know one of the big suggestions for healthily having an FP is to expand your circle, have other friends. The problem is that the only way I know how to do that is to join groups centered around my interests, but every time I do, there's always really weird people I end up crossing paths with and I get uncomfortable and have to leave. Like I'll join a group centered around a game I like so I can play with others, except then I run into people who are really aggressive and rude and transphobic and shit. I made a group chat with me and two other friends for us to play Minecraft, thinking it would be good to become proper friends rather than just casual friends who sort of talk sometimes. But then they added a friend of theirs who added their partner who then proceeded to go into graphic detail about wanting to murder someone and the friends I started the group with acted like I was the weird one for asking if we could maybe not do that. I tried to reconnect with an old friend that I fell out of contact with a while back, and it was great until they turned out to be incapable of accepting when they had hurt me and I had to walk away. It feels like every time I try to connect with other people aside from my FP, I end up getting hurt in some way, and it’s really discouraging me from trying again. What should I do?

Hey anon,

I'm going to be honest with you - even without BPD, this sort of thing happens a lot. The thing is, people are kind of bad a lot of the time, and that's not say I really believe in black-and-white/objective morality - bc I don't - but the inevitable irritating truth of life is that you likely won't get along with most people. It's incredibly discouraging and it's HARDER with BPD bc most people will just shake off the loss of possible friends without much trouble, but for us it cuts like a knife.

As discouraging it is, it's important to remind yourself that not everyone will be like this, while trying to be realistic to yourself with the fact that finding good friends (especially as someone w/ BPD) is a bit like finding needles in a haystack. That said, once you do have a good friend (especially if they're compassionate to your condition!) they will usually stick around for a long, long time, if not forever!

Like, just to illustrate my own run of bad luck for you - only recently have I found lasting friends - of the hundreds upon hundreds of people I've met in the last half a decade or so, I've only held onto 4 or so friends that date back all the way to high school, and I've only held onto a couple I met between then and now. I'm making more friends than ever before now, but that largely has to do with me actually putting myself out there (which I didn't do before at all) and rolling with the punches.

So, TL;DR - yeah, it sucks, most people won't stick around or they'll just be Wrong. I wish I could give you more advice than just "you have to keep trying and I promise you'll find people", I really do, but it essentially boils down to that. I hope you do find some people - you deserve them.

Cheers, Jane