#I wont be also updating HEX today | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tylerwritez · 3 years ago

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Monday June 28

Morning update:

Oh my god.

I was packing my stuff for the big move after my parents divorce and I found an old prayer thingy.

It said:

"Dear Jesus,

Thank you for the music and the trees and my friends and family, and for the time to really look around the world with colorful skies that are so beautiful, the whole world is beautful and in balance and natural and that is how I'm gonna be. I dont want this to be a temporary, spur of the moment thing. I understand now. I realize that it's not the world that's ugly, but the sin that plagues it. I understand what He wants now. I'm sorry, God. I'm sorry, Jesus. I know I'll go to hell no matter what I do but I might as well try to live a holy life.

I understand.

But then, why all these STRONG feeling? Please, you gotta help me through that.

He made us to serve him. I understand that. Give me the strength to serve you, please. I'm so weak.

Sincerely,

Jude"

I felt so angry cos of it. Once I saw all that shit about "serving Him" I immediately ripped it up in RAGE, just blind rage.

I was just a fuCKING CHILD. HOW COULD THEY DO THAT TO ME???

8:50 p.m. update: HOLY SHIT OUCH ON MY WAY HOME I HIT A SIGNPOST COS I WASNT PAYING ATTENTION AND IT RAMMED THE HANDLEBAR OF MY BIKE RIGHT INTO MY DICK JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS GODDAMN

12:38 a.m. update:

Okay so you maybe noticed that today's entries arent really organized and that's cos I've been BUSYyyy

I'm gonna add Litten the pokemon to my kinlist also Piplup

Anyways today I went out with my friends. My dad was mad at me cos my room was all messy cos I'M PACKING MY STUFF TO MOVE?? idk what he expected my room to look like. So anwyays I left the house, me and Erin and Elle, who I'll now be calling Eden because its weird to keep using Elle for reaosns I wont describe...me and Erin and Elle went to the library and I checked out some mangas. I checked out volumes 1-2 of , , and volume 1 of

Then we went to Safeway cos it was too hot to be outside and it was another place with free A/C that was nearby. I stole some Stevia and probably other stuff that I can't recall right now.

We ate sugar cookies (those nice crumbly processed ones with icing on top) at the park, then I went home for supper.

After that i met them at the park and we biked to this Ravine area with like trees and water and a bridge and shit and we were looking for Hagstones which are rocks in the water that get holes worn into them. It's for protection from Jordan's hexes.

We found loads of nasty bugs... but no hagstones. Also the thornbushes scratched up my legs, the bugs bit me up, and the water was sorta nasty and I went on hands and knees in it looking for those rocks XD.

I had fun but it was quite uncomfortable with all the HEAT and bugs.

I got home then and idk not much happened.

I've been eating fruit instead of my usual snack foods and i think its helpful.

1:06 a.m. update:

... I feel like I'm going to cry.

I saw a post about families and now I'm upset because I... I see this shit and I feel like I'm 10 or younger even... all over again. It all comes back to me. The reason I cry at night so often... the reaosn I cant tell reality from shit my brain made up. The reaosn i need therapy and the reason i feel so TORTURED AND IN PAIN...

All I ever needed as a child was love and support and I didnt fucking get that so now any posts about happy families make me feel sad. Especially if they have a kid who is "difficult" in some way... like how I was... who still gets treated well.

Fuck man. I wasnt difficult, I had emotions. I wasnt difficult, I needed extra help. I wasnt difficult, I was trans.

I WASNT DIFFICULT... I DIDNT DESERVE TO BE ABANDONED THE WAY I WAS. holy shit. I was just a child like any other. Literally all I needed was love and support.

Fuck my parents. Now I feel like I've missed out on like... a whole childhood... as myself. Instead I spent it being who you wanted me to be to avoid your wrath.

I'm so sad.

And its cos you saw a fucking child telling you he was in pain and punished him.

I was so young.

Jay keeps misgendering me... he just referred to me as my father's daughter. OH MY GOD... I GET IT! I UNDERSTAND! I GET IT. I DON'T PASS. I GET IT, I LOOK LIKE A GIRL... I GET IT, YOU'VE SEEN ME NAKED. I UNDERSTAND.... I understand that your mind doesn't see me as male... but please. PleAse make some fucking effort. please. cos it actually hurts me to be misgendered cis people could never understand. Fuck man, cis people could never undertsand the shit we go through and I feel upset now because no matter how well intentioned he is... he just doesnt seem to Get It.... or like..I DONT KNOW! IS HE EVEN TRYING?

Like. No matter what I look like, I'm still a guy. I'm no ones daughter.

Sorry. I know I'm being rude about this and I should have more patience.

I'm just sort of upset. Why can't he see me?

Fuck man, NOBODY can see me. I'll never be seen. Cos this isn't fucking me but it never will be.

I hate this. So much. I want to RIP OFF ALL MY FLESH. WHY HAVE I GOTTA BE BORN THIS WAY HOLY FUCK HOLY SHIT WHY CAN'T I JUST BE FUCKING NORMAL GODDAMN IT I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS FUCK GOD I HATE GOD FUCK GOD ILL KILL GOD IF I EVER FLOAT UP TO HEAVEN IM GOING TO LITERSLLY FUCKING KILL GOD ILL CLAW MY WAY UP FROM HELL TO KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER FOR DOING THIS TO ME

LIKE HOLY SHIT MY CHEST??? HAS JUST GOT THIS STUFF ON IT AND ITS MAKINF ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE I WANT TO PERFORM SURGERY ON MY OWN SELF.

3:30 a.m. update:

Oh btw one of my friends says their friend had a crush on me in junior high 👀

Idk man its fukcing 3 30 I'm just on my phone. Soon l get off, piss and sleep.

Total calorie intake today was 979 cals.

Goodnight

#JudeJournals

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