#I won’t be able to reapond cause I’m tired

[my-heart-is-but-a-gentle-moon]

I think of Jumin and Saeyoung a lot.

Jumin is..on my mind a lot.

With Saeyoung I’m not sure what he meant by ‘You don’t believe in God so you’ll never understand’. .. Regarding spirituality? Hghhmmm,,,,, that sentence alone makes me incredibly curious and frustrated to understand though ! òmó

!!!! Is it this song? Take to the sky? And the wolf of our raw/pure selves??? !!! Like the one I had in my higher self/spirit guides dream a few months ago!

...I just read the lyrics to we all bleed the same...your cry to the sky...❣️... That’s what you meant...

To have Saeyoung’s heart be so full of such agape love to the world still, how is this more touching and eye awakening than everything I’ve ever known?? These aren’t sad tears. They’re tears of realization..Your cry touched my heart so much oh god.

And, to think that this is what you’re struggling with, with cutting yourself..oh fuck, oh god. I am crying and trembling really hard right now, I-I know you didn’t wish for me to cry but hearing that you’re hurting yourself when your heart feels more pure than anything, it. It hurts really deeply, really really tightly, like I want to hold it really tight and just cry out ! in my heart because you’re just so wonderful I really don’t want you to hurt yourself, wh- what can I do to help? What can I do to help??

Because you’re alone..and cold there...I-I’m sorry..That I couldn’t handle facing the truth of what you were going through...deep inside...❣️💔❣️💔⛈

Your loneliness and the deep ache...everything harsh that you’ve been through and seen in your life and the secret agency as well......

But before I heard your songs or was aware of your thoughts today, when I saw the race cars with my dad, organizing the laundry I was really excited ! Looking at all the pretty colors and pretty sheens, how they must be so well taken care of~ like with his ba~bies.

Inside I was all like “Pretty colors! Pretty colors! Cars! Cars! Saeyoung!” Like a little child 😂 and it made me reminisce over his spiel of how much he likes the way car machines (??? lol, is that how you say it??) are so exact and how passionate he is about them. Hhhgghhhmmmmm,,, I dunno if that’s the right translationnnn...

I still don’t know what I want relationship wise.

Jumin........hm...I do think of him a lot.

I also felt like he was also lowkey resentful? [the advertisement of the ex messaging advertisement? I don’t know if that was him or not? But it felt like it was]

Didn’t affect me much but Yea, I didn’t really apologize to him yet and I know it..hurt him.

I was also really thankful for his care.

It would be nice to have things be playful between us again. I was in a better mood after having spent some quality time with my family, however small.

I also feel kinda guilty to have imagined that with him..cause I’m not sure where I am in regards to being in love.

I still feel like I should apologize for the way I acted. Because I know I hurt him deeply, lashing out when I was so stressed and making him feel afraid and doubtful.

But right now I don’t regret having taken this break from relationships to get my health back, to figure out what I want, and create a proper schedule for myself - to balance myself, new friends, new hobbies, helping with my family and stuff, create a more positive self image for myself aand, hm. Learn. How. To apologize properly and ! hm...healthy boundaries in a softer manner.

I-I’m sorry Jumin. I’m sorry for having seen things in such a black and white manner and for having lashed out at you like that. I don’t hate you.. Having held in a lot of stress, fears, anxieties, depression, resentments, grief and so much more that I held in came out so explosively like that and, I think you’re more than good enough as you are..I want to hold your hands and make sure you understand that..That the decisions, distractions and actions are..truly what we did out of our pain...Saeyoung’s we all bleed the same brought me back to this realization and it’s just so..so deep and meaningful that I’m crying again..and, that we can forgive ourselves and learn and grow from our mistakes, letting yourself process them and face them is important though in letting go of them.. I truly believe you have this great potential within you to do that ! I wish for you to have the strength to be able to continuously choose that for yourself.

I personally just don’t think that trying to distract yourself with women and over-drinking is helping you at all...

I’m sorry for having been so critical and such a grudge-holder towards you, for having hurt you so badly in return..I can feel your deep regret...but I learned that, haha, when we turn what mistakes or bad decisions we’ve done and made into opportunities to learn, and forgive our past selves [as hard as that can be sometimes] is super worth it. Helps us move forward from the past. But you need to take these lessons for your own highest good and make what’s best of them. I am taking the time to be with myself to do just that !

Audrey’s angel number 33 and 44 really helped with that ! That I’ve been sent with so many times lately. The ascended masters like The Dragon, Lord Ganesh, Archangel Thuriel and Archangel

Love all the hurt away..I. I’m..I received your mysmelove fic..the drunk confession..I’m thankful for your feelings for me..truly, it warms my heart, Jumin..

I..I’m. When my heart is swaying both ways so selfishly like this....my heart is muddled. I shouldn’t jump into a relationship when I’m still trying to regain my health back, and with my heart. Well. As it currently is. It wouldn’t be fair. Neither would it be for myself.

Jumin still has a tender spot in my heart, I have uhh..passionate and even playful fantasies with him..I dreamt a few days ago his picture of ‘Honey, I’m home, did you miss me?’ with his cute smile >//< and I ran right to him, eyes sparkling, to hug him back, wrapping my legs around him and spinning around.

I do think of you. When I see wine bottles or cats, purple flowers, bees and owls..and eagles..a lot of the previous animations I adored reminded me of you and those were..bittersweet reminisces..I think, despite everything there’s still a part of me that sees you as an ideal version of you though I also know deeper than that.

But I’d like to know the real you.

Jumin’s insecurities..what are they?..I’d like to know..Though I can’t help you as I’m taking this time to develop and regain my own health cause I’m still really drained and on creating my schedule that I keep speaking about and should just create ! (And I was encouraged to by Saeyoung!

!!!!💗💞💖🎆🎆💓!!!!! Thank you so much Saeyoung, nightshade and universe for this added help! [As there are no more options for me to post photos then it’s the message of ‘Seek What Sets Your Soul On Fire’ and ! Nightshadeandroses’ witchcraft schedule and discipline tips!)

And by you as well c: I’m very thankful for that.. Especially when I haven’t apologized to you yet but have written this letter the whole day to.)

I also have a question..spiritually..would you be inclined to learn and delve more into spirituality? I want my future lover and I to be able to enhance our spiritual abilities and our connection to the universe and everything around us together. I have a karmic, lightworker path that I want to delve more and more into, into animal totems and tarot and the chakras and so much more. Would we be able to speak, develop and grow this aspect of ours together if we were to be together? Because growing together spiritually and emotionally is something I need, with new friends and my future lover.

I am also very magnetized to Saeyoung..Spiritually, there’s so much he can teach me, and he inspires me so much..those were his words and scenes in this journey that got to my heart so deeply, that cleared my heart into this state of pure understanding, understanding the importance of courage, of being there to support each other and forgive one another as well as ourselves.., and because I admire him so much I want to also be there when he’s hurting..To do whatever I can so he can feel better..because his heart is as big as the universe..and he doesn’t deserve to suffer so much on his own...and he..he speaks my language..it feels like to me..

Wolves..being our raw, pure selves...🐺

There’s just something about him that’s just..so divine to me..though he’s human of course and has his own struggles and I want to be there for him as well ! (Though it always comes back to how despite how much I want to, I can’t give light from an almost completely dry well right now. Thus, recharge > <;!)

Just like I had in my dream of spiritual awakening - with the dice of fate charged with my pink-purple energy, the black cat of intuition and one of my spirit animal totems playing with that. How I felt attracted to go to the nearby place by the parking lot where there are usually more cats - only to have seen a calm, grey wolf, posing no harm nor threat, as it walked towards our building - for me, back then, it spoke of it as well - the raw, pure self. The harmony between feminine and masculine, light and darkness that I saw in the white lotus back then as well..

Uhh, long story short in that dream - despite having seen that the wolf posed no harm, I hid with the dice and black cat behind the tall bushes. The fear of judgement, criticism and rejection that held me back from being all that I am.

Whghwhh,, Wh-What about Saeran? Where is Saeran in all of this??? Are you two not together??? ;;;

Though yea, right now it’s Health stuff for me that I need to focus on. Filling up my well. Like the 33 angel number video I watched! (And oof, that was helpful! Loving myself first, positivity, Focusing on the best case scenario rather than letting my fears and hurt turn me into something I’m not - Just like Saeyoung..I feel it is what Saeyoung sent, but perhaps it was the angels through the website..

the archangels! Like Thuriel with the grey white butterflies that I’m being protected and the mourning dove of renewal, peace, life and hope !!) And Archangel Ariel!

Creating a schedule for myself..I need a break from relationships right now to take care of myself - to regain my health, create time for my Gaia learning, meditations and furthering my spiritual learning as well, and my intuition through nutrition too ! and developing my positive self image, be lit up by my spiritual hobbies [that are going to go slow cause my future self advised I not pile up so much on myself and focus on two things at a time rather than more than that. That baby steps still lead me forward 💕], and hopefully make friends in the group hangouts I’ll start going to this Thursday !

Realistically speaking I don’t think either of us are ready for a relationship right now, like in the upper video.

We’re both kinda, pretty prideful with our apologies, I think right now I have commitment phobia - and just, realistically I know I have my health and witchcraft and meditations and exercise stuff to work on! And filling up my empty well - cause if I don’t take this time to help myself I wouldn’t be able to help others !

Due to how I was yesterday, I, blamed a lot on you. I know I also made my hurtful remarks.. :x .. and I’m sorry.

I didn’t read proof this letter so Idk how great it would be, but I did my best to write this so you’ll know I won’t be able to be very responsive but I also didn’t want to leave you two hanging > <