#I wish that someday we could reconnect when we’ve grown more. even if it’s years or decades from now

[venacesaur]

It hurts again and again that the only person I can save is myself

[gothsic]

        i sentence you to be exposed before your peers...

                                                        -- TEAR DOWN THE WALL!

so... once again, i’m floored. i mean, seriously floored.

i could probably say my usual nonsense, which is that i’m amazed, i’m flattered, and i’m even speechless at the amount of love, patience, and just downright kindness i have received since day one. tomorrow marks a month since this blog was opened, and i have to say that it has been one of the best months i have ever had in the tumblr rpc in all my years of rping.

that’s saying quite a lot!

i have to reiterate that i was incredibly worried about how jonathan was going to be received here. but the exact opposite has been true - if anything, you have all welcomed him with open arms, and been incredibly amazing rp partners in every sense of the word. i hope i return the attention you’ve given me thricefold. it’s true that i’m incredibly slow, keep piling on those ask memes and starters, but the real reason is because i just want to interact with you all in some capacity. i highly encourage those of you that have yet to do anything with me to send me something, and i can promise you i will get to it! 

but what does any of that have to do with an appreciation post? well, it really is just me rambling about how incredibly honored i am that you all have stayed here through thick and thin despite my slowness. you are all the real mvps! in fact, i wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for all of you wanting to do things with me. really. you have no idea how much of an honor this is, especially considering that this is for an original character rather than a canon one. i just... wow! there i go again, failing to be eloquent!

the graphic above was thrown together tonight because i wanted to get this out this past weekend, but i figured the closer to my one month anniversary the better. that would have been october 1st, so sadly it’s a bit late. however, screw it! let’s throw two special occasions into one! i figured i would call it something different this time, as this is a bigger milestone than before.

so now that part one of this post is finished... let’s get to the good stuff. the follow forever list ( which i personally prefer calling it! ). read under the cut!

THE STARS WHO LIGHT THE PATH FORWARD:

the first up on this list are personal thank-yous to very special people who have made this experience so incredible. all of you have, but these are people i have known for several years, people i have grown close to quickly, or just people i have a lot of things to say to. i’ll probably even say these things to you in private in more expansive detail.

here are my appreciative ( albeit abridged ) comments to the following people:

@pistolbitten: tycho, you’re one of my bestest friends on this entire hellsite and even offline. the fact we haven’t met yet irl is fucking criminal - i hope that in the near future we can, though that might be kind of bad because i think the entire universe would just cease to exist if that happened. but we gotta try, right?? ANYWAY more importantly i want to emphasize that you are doing such a tremendous job with nack. i’m seriously impressed, and i want you to know that the work you’re putting into him is seriously amazing. keep it up because it’s clear to me you’re having a lot of fun. you really deserve it after everything that you’ve gone through in the past few years. you’re my little brother and it’s gonna stay that way! you know how i feel about you, but if you ever feel down, i will remind you again and again. you’re destined for great things, and you’re incredibly strong. but sometimes, it’s okay to feel a little weak. it’s human. you’re human.

@destructiveglitch: farida, i can’t emphasize how glad i am that we reconnected. i want you to know that i really admire the work you’ve put into making cadillac the amazing character that he is. you are seriously an inspiration to this community not only with the positivity you exude, but with the humor you bring to the table and the way you accept people with open arms. i strive to be more like you, and i am so proud to see how far you’ve come since we met a few years ago on this hellsite. you are seriously amazing, and so is cadillac - i cannot wait to see you chase your dreams even further; you’re an inspiration!

@daiteitako + all your other blogs: don i’m really glad we reconnected after i vanished kind of suddenly - again, i apologize for that. however, i really cannot wait to do stuff properly with you, but the most important thing i really want to say here is that a.) you’re incredibly kind, b.) you’re HILARIOUS and c.) your graphics are beautiful. also, i should mention that the dedication you’ve put into making all your muses your own is just stellar. i love it and i cannot wait to see more. i always appreciate our ooc chats and i’m so glad that i get to see your antics on the dash whenever your url pops up!

@dadadaemons: che... che. what can i say. when i came back to the rpc after a couple years of being gone, one of the things i really missed was having someone i could really connect with. honestly? it’s rare that it happens. but with you, it felt pretty instantaneous. i feel really glad to have met you - i feel that we can just shoot the shit whenever, and our muses have quite the relationship. i adore it, and i really feel comfortable talking with you - i hope that its the same for you. basically what i really want to say is that i feel incredibly lucky to have come across your blog and gotten the chance to talk to you, and eventually talk more ooc, i just... honestly? your writing is incredible, a mixture between tragic and comic, and i really adore it. it stands out. it’s you, and it’s unique. this is a little rambly, but i am really amazed at what you’ve been doing with your muses ( especially cherry ) and i cannot wait to see your work in a visual novel-type game someday. with your art skills? it’s bound to happen. you’ve got me to cheer you on!

@czhng: ángel... sends you the cat meme for the 10292373747th time ( you know the one ). just kidding! i feel like in the past week or two, we’ve grown pretty close. our ship has really blossomed into something fascinating and it’s really funny because the lovely people here on tumblr have absolutely no idea what they’re in store for. but better yet, i’m really glad i got a chance to meet you - i couldn’t have imagined how much fun we would be having together! i love sending memes back and forth, and also just talking about our characters, or hearing what you were up to or how you’re doing. while these may be simple things, they mean the absolute world to me. in short, i’m so grateful that i got to meet you, and i hope we can keep being even better friends into the future!

@cardinalrot: burns! you were one of the first people i think i formally interacted with on this blog, and while we briefly knew each other on my ramona flowers blog, i recently started talking to you more in depth ooc and honestly? you’ve made my time here so much better - you’re funny, you’re getting me into a band i barely knew about until i found your blog, and i just adore what’s going on in our group chat. i can’t wait to get to know you better, and better yet, see what ridiculous things our muses get up to as things keep rolling. you’re a lot of fun to be around and listen to, and i love hearing your ideas. honestly? you’re just a bright light on the hell that is tumblr!

@citialiin: basil! what a shock to find out we actually knew each other back in 2015! that was definitely a surprise. but above all, what can i say other than i’m truly amazed by a lot of things that have happened - that ziggy and jo have the relationship they do, that there’s some real stakes involved, and above all things, that your art is truly wonderful! plus, your writing is so wonderful to read - i feel that you really capture whomever it is that you’re writing, and what i love most about you really is that you’re incredibly honest about who you are, and your art manages to reflect that incredibly well. i wish you the best in your future endeavors, and i cannot wait to roleplay with you more! also, of course, chat ooc with you and get to know you better. plus? you, burns and i are truly a cursed trio - it’s great frankly.

@themoralpuppington: the fact that i keep finding you on every blog i make after all these years ( since 2015, can you believe it?? ) is a testament to how much i adore your writing, and just you in general, hayley. i need you on my dash to feel complete, as bizarre as that might sound. your passion for your muses, most of whom are pretty niche, is really a sight to behold. i admire how much time and attention you put into crafting them to be the best they can be, and your enthusiasm and positivity is also a sight to behold. i still remember the thread we had on my old him blog between him and dot, and that was probably one of the best threads i ever had with someone to this day - can you believe that? the point i’m trying to make here is that you basically make tumblr a better experience for me, and i’m sure many others - you are an amazing person through and through!

@luckblues: kat what could i possibly say about you that i haven’t already? you were there from the beginning, and on all your blogs we had some form of interaction - usually of the comedic kind. our conversations ooc have also been immensely hilarious to read, and the thing i really enjoy is hearing your thoughts on how your muses would react - not to mention whatever posts you make on your blogs, ooc or ic. i’m very glad i got to meet you, and also interact with you because your writing is just so much fun! you always put so much work into your muses and it is seriously an inspiration. keep up the amazing work, and i hope we can get even closer over time!

@toooldforgermany: hannah! i’m really surprised we found each other again - i remember just recently how we were trying to remember which of your many blogs we interacted on, and when we finally did, things slid into place. it’s true that i don’t really talk as much as i should, but what i do have to say about you is definitely truthful: you’ve really dug into what makes arthur such an interesting character, and i mean it when i say you made me more interested than i already was in we happy few. one of these days, i’d like to watch you play it - the clips you’ve shown me have been really something special - and i can see why you’ve put so much time and effort into getting him as close to the source material as possible. that in it of itself is admirable. what you’re doing is really special, and i can’t wait to see more, both with what you do next, and what our muses do next!

THE STARS I NOTICE IN THE DISTANCE, WHO TOO HAVE LIT THE WAY:

these are people whom i have known for several years, and want to continue to know better. we may have fallen out of touch a few times, but the important thing is that we are reconnected now. all of you listed here are special to me in different ways, and i hope that i can express this properly as i continue to do things on this blog. 

@guiltycharge + your other blogs / @heedingcalls / @puckish-rogue

THE GASLAMPS MADE FROM STARDUST:

now these are individuals with whom i have spoken to a great deal ooc, have had a lot of laughs with, or just in general have made me feel at home on this blog. chances are, we’ve interacted too. you have all made this blog special in a way that nowhere else on this site has made me feel before. i am having the time of my life thanks to you all.

@anammxlech / @dcfctivc + your other blogs / @loverslanetm + @aphroditetms / @psychexch / @tricksterfinale / @soughtcryptid + @horrormaestro / @hismanners / @shotbled / @richatire / @demonshe / @rubinsteind + your other blogs / @crimescupid / @crimsxnidol / @sociialpath / @pennepenned / @lovelypillar / @arizonadirtbag / @jihoney / @macabreatlas + @deathwitness / @innosen / @barbiemov / @charismastatic / @voieur + your other blogs / @flutterid / @maljefe / @spacymuses / @ryusci / @bledthrice / @bellecosebabe / @bestvictim / @bentme / @spectrisbound / @starlyht / @griefkept / @vortship / @necroticlimb + your other blogs / @gothicbite + your other blogs / @thegothfiles / @wretchedgoth / @hisnote / @dethrocuted / @justverdict + your other blogs / @stagekiller / @scarwritten / @plasticlioness / @ecentrici / @prdghtr / @drstmbrg + your other blogs / @espercr / @juvenileterror / @putrifyre / @9livin / @saturnincs / @batzie / @deceitfame / @princeternal / @autoptes / @empaethies / @vodkaraised / @censer / @maestrodarte / @ensular / @elleomet / @smallmoss + @heylincorporated / @eoleolhan / @pseudogaiety / @byerszombie / @toendwar / @rivalrus / @giftblessd / @girlrued / @godmeld / @russianllterature / @consultingsister / @desxderium / @aemiliiu / @infiltier / @yoursmary / @svperposition / @friendsfought / @reapinghook / @blossomingbeelzebug / @levyosn / @slashhers / @promdevil / @fvvckcff / @fuckingvictus / @killfame / @dnbrough / @nailfanged / @hellionrot / @hyacinthsgirl / @panamastayed / @shelcved / @spllcat / @battleridge + many many more ! 

THE HOMES ALONG THE STREET WITH THEIR LIGHTS ON:

the following individuals are those i watch from a distance, have yet to interact with, or admire their writing in some fashion. all of you are a joy to have on the dash ( and be mutuals with ), and i hope that we can one day do something together.

@animalcontrol / @atlantisking / @herbounty / @hxgure / @scaeld / @snowinabottle / @soleiltm / @strxnzo / @cultkiid / @clownin / @clownwork / @corpsemade / @demonwield / @orhabit / @demonicarchitect / @etrefurieuse / @unstabletm / @bulletmailed / @wordseen / @deadlcrd / @dojiryu / @garrotejima / @gothamcartel / @devilsitter / @imparist / @voicehost / @voidvoyeur / @evilwiithin / @thatcertainnight / @azircphcle / @biblicael / @ribmcde / @warwronged / @actorkills / @fourrarri / @fosterskeeper / @vicemirrored / @vmprwtch / @peacefulapostle / @honorborn / @wargod / @wonwars / @waywardsignns / @inorationis / @deathscorned / @ncisepcllution / @lycanlead / @hauntediris / @tommyhtm + your other blogs / @phantomally + your other blogs / @abisnorida / @frstpearson / @nytchld / @agentbeyond / @scouscr / @vplameni / @monikalone / @sheslayyys / @sheflirts / @skllington / @skeptus / @ultraviolentis / @greyheroes / @outlawiism / @doefied / @conseille / @seeksghosts + your other blogs / @forsesti / @blacklistcr / @betterhealing / @bowitched / @bonewitchery / @theednygma / @conseille / @soliswrote / @rebelstwo / @divisus / @diversifiedpersonas / @hisband / @grcndel / @dnawield / @soypeor / @talewoven / @yblchth / @halloweeenies / @coldslayers / @iilvecchio / @discandi / @beelzbvb / @snipare / @brenheir / @johtei / @pastfound / @necrogal / @necrophagic / @neonglowed / @halvtblod / @maskedform / @enkaioni / @deddomun / @knifewields / @kerflooey / @likespooky / @happymediium / @happykcd / @vladdad / @endheir / @curdledmiilk / @firstdraper / @thcfreak / @revengah / @lcstrega / @strlcss / @strigct / @hanahakioni / @mortuiflores / @bozojesus / @madeherchoices / @madburnishdetroit / @apostleled / @wiltpetals / @scmperviren / @rainbowsongs / @powertook / @mortiiicia / @mortuam / @macebre / @pestilencepriest / @huntsaliens / @huntpyre / @dptysns / @theppgs / @thicktville / @citylives / @cadaever / @jcinthedance / @jesteriina / @jehstr / @jenasil / @occultspecialists / @exorsista / @aislinqs / @gwaed / @obsessicn / @confcssed / @enravaged / @morbosi / @alwayscutoff / @personsuited / @edgecutting / @heaimed / @clownlike / @warjournal / @selfbest / @shekore / @senoyer / @nuiweion / @slayscryptids / @footagecaught / @toshapeshift / @eyeswaps / @eyedented / @crysbeckett / @4-6-4-1-9 / @gothsrot / @witchbonds / @vctivus / @realityrot / @realcomedian / @wulventyr / @montanaerobics / @sexwins / @coucheravec / @snapsbeast / @ordinryman / @deathtaught / @edhelgund / @herheal / @heavensdecay / @gumihc / @pestired / @byersmom / @skateshe / @wantlonger / @veiledpeak / @wasben / @apostaet / @girlquaked / @betterthanmorty / @ascotwearing / @witcheking / @yourbloodbelongstome / @omatics / @rcdteeth / @nomither / @prodigil / @prouddov / @obscenesupreme / @roguepiece / @isempath / @babaayaaga / @burglarie / @enruined / @visionsent / @spellfear / @spelltricks / @deadgirldani / @dctorsleep / @dcputyrook / @dcllparted / @huntsighted / @prceteritus / @wildardor / @vigilink / @cupidvvitch / @liftedrelics / @mediocremorals / @heamatic / @heartmiles / @omegles / @motivelacking / @mistoffelous / @bberkman / @blondieat / @starszakrew / @fraudcoded / @thequarrelsome / @deathatyourdoorstep / @egopath / @hariolor / @tolerhate / @useknives / @starleft / @jeanjacketed / @tiimedtm / @wanderlustmuses / @musewritten / @houseofwindows / @magicalshe / @ozwolff / @jigento / @cthlicdevil / @hailiing / @31daughter / @epitideios / @metareview / @fiercemarked / @iceized / @phantomwhisp / @abomichor / @luemiere / @blckaiser / @inqustve / @toheavyn / @atnoctum / @vicemirrored / @thirtnth / @pyoniumyankee / @onlycertainty / @putryd + many many others whom i’m currently following!

i wish i could have included everyone who’s currently following me, but just know that if we’re mutuals, you’re included. these are as many as i could remember, but i want everyone to know that you are all appreciated by me, especially considering how you are all really the ones to thank for making my time here so wonderful! you are all amazing, truly amazing. in the coming weeks, i will do my best to interact with mutuals new and old.

keep your chins held high. each portrayal is special, each roleplayer brings something new to the table, and if you ever need a friend, i am always here for you.

once again, THANK YOU ALL for your support!

                                                               SINCERELY,                                                                                         ALEX

[biancamlopez-blog]

Relationships.

Welcome to my first blog post! 

The relationships we forge with others and the strength of them define who we are. I am passionate about every important relationship I create with others, and am thankful for everyone I have crossed paths with. The following are the relationships I have in my life, in no particular order of importance.

God

My relationship with God and my faith have wavered in the past because of some dark places that I have been in, which will be explored here briefly and in great length in another post. If you know me or follow me through social platforms, you know that I am currently prepping for a bikini competition this July and I’ve turned to the Lord for strength, will, and perseverance. His will be done in every part of my life and I trust in Him completely for the plan he has for my life. 

My Father

My father is a former Marine, former police officer, and former immigration officer, so he’s always been a man of strong character and great physical strength. My dad was sooooo hard on me growing up. I used to hate how my friends had certain privileges that I didn’t during my childhood and adolescence, such as staying out late, going certain places, or doing certain things. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to appreciate the values he’s instilled in me. He taught me how to work hard, give my all in everything I pursue, and now that I’ve become independent, he is now teaching me the ropes about how to be a successful woman. My dad is the ultimate example of the type of man I want to be with someday. He’s provided, protected, and professed his love and commitment to my mother, my brother and myself and I admire him to no end.

My Mother

My mother and I could not be more opposite from each other. We carry ourselves differently, have staunch political differences, and can sometimes drive each other a little crazy! But one thing I know for sure is that she is always there to lend a helping hand with any pickle I may find myself in. She helped me tremendously with my bout of depression about a year and a half ago and I would be lost without her, maybe not even alive. My mom has overcome some personal obstacles of hers with such perseverance and I’m immensely proud to call her mom.

My Brother

My brother David and I are six and a half years apart. He was in fifth grade when I was senior in high school. It’s really difficult to form a close bond with someone that far apart in age with when you’re both young, especially being of the opposite sex, but I am happy that as he’s gotten a little older, we’ve gotten closer. I am excited to see what kind of man he will become and am proud of the young man he already is. He’ll be moving to San Marcos in the fall for school and I’m stoked to see him more often!

My Best Friends  

I have three best friends: Vicki, Alexis, and Natasha, all of which, not coincidentally, were my college roommates at some point. I lived with Vicki from January 2011-August 2013, Alexis from August 2013-August 2014, and Natasha from January 2016-present. Each of them are my best friends for different reasons. Vicki was my first roommate I ever had. She and I were randomly paired up at the Dobie Center, a private dorm across the street from the UT Austin campus. She was there for me through my formative times while I was adjusting to moving away from my hometown and has always been a great shoulder to cry on, a friend to get shitfaced at frat parties with, and vent to. I know this also may sound strange, but being from Laredo, a city with a 90% Latinx population, she taught me a lot about being friends with people outside my race as she is White. Moving to Austin in 2011 was a definite culture shock and having a friend with a difference perspective through the lens race helped me adjust. She’s also woke AF; she’s so dope. 

Alexis and I met each other when she subleased from an ex-boyfriend that I was planning on living with (thank GOD that didn’t happen). Alexis was also the first friend I told that I had gotten kicked out of school for my grades (something I will share more about in another post). Alexis is the person I told some of my deepest, darkest secrets to and she has done the same with me. We’ve never judged each other, have always helped each other, and been there for each other. She’s an AMAZING listener. I had the pleasure of taking an elective class with her called Capital Punishment in America my last semester at UT  and it was awesome to see her in a thought provoking setting and learning more about her perspective on complicated issues. She’s living in Dallas, TX now climbing up the corporate ladder and I’m proud to call her my best friend. She has one of the purest hearts I’ve ever seen and that’s hard to find nowadays. 

Natasha and I were roommates at good ol’ Town Lake Student Apartments when I subleased from her former roommate that had just graduated. She is the little, big sister in my life. She’s twenty-one and I’m twenty-six and I swear, I look up to that girl. She graduated college at twenty (whaaaaaat), is financially, spiritually, and emotionally independent, and is the most responsible person I know. She keeps me in check. She kicks my ass when I need it. She pushes me to be the best person I can be in every facet of life. Besides my father, I don’t think I admire anyone more than I admire her. We pick each other’s brains all the time and she’s not your typical barely-legal girl. She’s more successful than some of the bums I’ve dated! Ha!

You go to college to meet your bridesmaids y’all, not your husband.

Jose Angel

I have a male best friend too! His name is Angel and we’ve known each other since we were five years old. How many people can say they’ve been friends for almost twenty-two years? We grew up together and weren’t super close the whole time I’ve known him, but in the last five years we’ve grown extremely close and he sets me straight as well. He helps me with boy probs, financial advice, and just life in general. He lives in Houston, TX and I really wish I could see him more often than I do. Every time I visit him in Houston he’s always down to do whatever I want to do. I am very lucky to have a good hearted, male friend that is near and dear to my heart. 

My Not-As Close Friends

I try to live my life with the purest intentions in my heart, and I feel that I have lots of close and not-so-close friends, acquaintances and supporters from afar because of this. Just know, especially with this bikini prep that I’m on, I appreciate all of your support and kindness. Know that I am always there to lend an ear, a helping hand, ANYTHING (within reason). I love meeting and connecting with new people so don't hesitate to reach out. Let’s be fraaaans :)

My Exes

I do not communicate with two of my four ex boyfriends. The ones I do talk to or have talked to are my high school boyfriend, who I haven’t heard from in years and is just a Facebook friend, and one other. I’ve been through some pretty traumatic shit in past relationships, some a little too deep to share here, but I wish them all the best and all the success in the world in every aspect of their lives. Despite the turmoil I’ve been through, I’ve loved, lost, and will continue to love deeply. I've been lied to, cheated on, broken up with the day before my birthday, been left the day before Valentine’s Day, been emotionally and mentally abused, but I honestly believe in love, and the man who I end up with will be an incredibly lucky man. I’ve loved the wrong men fiercely, imagine how great I can be and how I can love the right man?

My Current Relationship Status

I am seeing someone, but it is in the very early stages of getting to know each other; we’ve recently reconnected. I met him a few years ago when I was definitely not ready to pursue a relationship with anyone else besides my most recent ex, who I was broken up with at the time. We shall see! Like I said, I trust the plan God has for my life. 

MYSELF

Besides my relationship with God, this is the most important relationship I have, the one I have with myself. I’m learning to love myself more and more everyday. I have a newfound or resurfaced confidence again since I started my fat loss journey. I learn something new about myself almost every day! I still don’t have it all figured out, but that’s the beauty of life. Always moving forward.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am honest to every person I come to meet. What you see is what you get. I don’t play games, I don’t have malicious intentions. I am an open book. Get to know me :)

[elswrites]

05/05/2018

To you,

It’s so crazy to think that in two weeks, I’ll be seeing you again for the first time in about 4 years. Or at least, planning to see you. For as long as I’ve known you, since 2011, we’ve been through one heck of a ride. While some know our story, I feel only you and I know what kind of journey it truly has been. We’ve shared our highs and our lows, and no matter how much we drift apart whether it be months, or even years in our case, life has its way of bringing us back together somehow.

A lot of my memories with you have grown vague over the years but I can still recall some lucid times together.  I still remember the day we first hung out during the summer of 2011. You walked into Barnes and Noble while I was sitting in the café doing homework and you played dumb and pretended like you didn’t know where I was. We went to the beach and sat on the sand, and being the total jerk you were back then, you threw sand at me and into my hair and we had our fair share of sand throws at each other. I will never forget getting into the shower that night and how it took forever to get every grain out of my hair… but as frustrated and annoyed I was, I still couldn’t stop thinking about how happy I was and how much I laughed that night. A few months went by... but considering how young and dumb we were, thinking we could do what we were doing without having “intentions,” turned out to be a disaster. I remember thinking to myself at the time and confidently telling myself I can talk and hang out with you without feeling anything, and boy was I wrong.

For the following years after that, we went our separate ways but continued to keep in touch and just be friends. I remember while living in Oregon, you were the one to comfort me on my dark days while no one else could. I still remember the time you were still working at the airport and you met me near my gate to say bye before I was going to Oregon. Moving to Oahu brought a lot of memories too, more I wish I could forget… but as much as it was painful for both of us, I can still manage to find the light in our darkness. Like how you left me at Safeway and drove off with your loud and obnoxious car, but also that’s the place we had our first kiss. Or the time we said our “last” goodbye at the parking structure, but that’s where we had a lot of memories hanging out in our cars, holding hands and just talking about life.

After we had our falling out, as much I despised you, a part of me had always wondered how you were doing and most importantly, if you were happy. When I heard you moved to Vegas, as much as I was so happy for you, I couldn’t help but wonder if you ran from me and the pain I’ve caused you. I won’t be doing any apologizing in this letter, because I know I’ve done too much of that over the phone or through text. During the few years we had no connection, I believe the time away from you gave me a clearer understanding on what happened with us up to that time and why. And over the years I’ve learned to accept it. In the back of my mind I always wondered how and where we would be if things happened differently, but I had to remind myself to let it all go, and to let you go.

Then in late summer 2016, you came back again and saved me like you always do. Reconnecting again felt like a dream. I never thought in a million years I’d be where I was in that moment. Coming to realize that much hasn’t changed, and you were still the same guy I could tell literally everything to. Thank you again, for being there while my heart was healing… and for being my confidant in the times I felt I hit rock bottom. I remember feeling over the moon and so excited at where life was going to take us because we really felt that finally, that time was right for us. Our Skype calls, our birthday gifts, and watching that movie on Netflix over the phone I kept falling asleep to. Everything was the way it was supposed to be, the way we, or at least I, dreamed of having for years. Until I decided to be extremely stupid and selfish to throw it all away. To this day, I still find it hard to forgive myself for ruining a perfectly good thing and potentially had what it takes to be amazing.

While there are several other memories, moments or incidents, whatever you may call them, that I’ve failed to mention in this letter, I know that each time we have crossed paths, whether it be under good or bad circumstances, you have always put it in your best interest to protect me even though it hurt you. You always did something that benefited me, even though you would get nothing from it. You learned how to let me go and let me be, even in times you wanted to hold on. Even though in the beginning you were the selfish one, you grew to be one of the most selfless people I know now. I hope you know how incredibly thankful I am for the purpose you have served in my life, for being so understanding in times I made completely no sense, for not judging me or thinking of me differently even when I had every reason as to why you should resent me, and for still being my friend when I didn’t deserve you.

Now it’s been almost two years since we last tried to make it work and that’s given me a lot of time to think about us and more importantly me. My biggest mistake was losing sight of your value and how much you’ve done for me. I was so fixated on myself and what I wanted without looking at the bigger picture with you in it. I still beat myself up for making you feel less than what you truly are and for invalidating your feelings when I knew all you needed was for me to be there halfway. I know that nothing I do or say will make up for how I made you feel. I never understood how you stuck with me and always came back to “save me” because I knew I didn’t deserve that.

This past March when I told you how I felt, we both came to an agreement that we’ve always been “right person, wrong timing” and there are no promises as to if we will ever get a chance at us again someday. But after all these years, I am so happy for you and I know you are in a good place right now and honestly, with or without me, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I hope that one day I could be blessed with another opportunity to do things right this time. But until (if) then - even if it’s not going to be me, it’s always going to be you.

Aommfimh,

Me