#I wish that someday we could reconnect when we’ve grown more. even if it’s years or decades from now

[venacesaur]

It hurts again and again that the only person I can save is myself

[biancamlopez-blog]

Relationships.

Welcome to my first blog post! 

The relationships we forge with others and the strength of them define who we are. I am passionate about every important relationship I create with others, and am thankful for everyone I have crossed paths with. The following are the relationships I have in my life, in no particular order of importance.

God

My relationship with God and my faith have wavered in the past because of some dark places that I have been in, which will be explored here briefly and in great length in another post. If you know me or follow me through social platforms, you know that I am currently prepping for a bikini competition this July and I’ve turned to the Lord for strength, will, and perseverance. His will be done in every part of my life and I trust in Him completely for the plan he has for my life. 

My Father

My father is a former Marine, former police officer, and former immigration officer, so he’s always been a man of strong character and great physical strength. My dad was sooooo hard on me growing up. I used to hate how my friends had certain privileges that I didn’t during my childhood and adolescence, such as staying out late, going certain places, or doing certain things. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to appreciate the values he’s instilled in me. He taught me how to work hard, give my all in everything I pursue, and now that I’ve become independent, he is now teaching me the ropes about how to be a successful woman. My dad is the ultimate example of the type of man I want to be with someday. He’s provided, protected, and professed his love and commitment to my mother, my brother and myself and I admire him to no end.

My Mother

My mother and I could not be more opposite from each other. We carry ourselves differently, have staunch political differences, and can sometimes drive each other a little crazy! But one thing I know for sure is that she is always there to lend a helping hand with any pickle I may find myself in. She helped me tremendously with my bout of depression about a year and a half ago and I would be lost without her, maybe not even alive. My mom has overcome some personal obstacles of hers with such perseverance and I’m immensely proud to call her mom.

My Brother

My brother David and I are six and a half years apart. He was in fifth grade when I was senior in high school. It’s really difficult to form a close bond with someone that far apart in age with when you’re both young, especially being of the opposite sex, but I am happy that as he’s gotten a little older, we’ve gotten closer. I am excited to see what kind of man he will become and am proud of the young man he already is. He’ll be moving to San Marcos in the fall for school and I’m stoked to see him more often!

My Best Friends  

I have three best friends: Vicki, Alexis, and Natasha, all of which, not coincidentally, were my college roommates at some point. I lived with Vicki from January 2011-August 2013, Alexis from August 2013-August 2014, and Natasha from January 2016-present. Each of them are my best friends for different reasons. Vicki was my first roommate I ever had. She and I were randomly paired up at the Dobie Center, a private dorm across the street from the UT Austin campus. She was there for me through my formative times while I was adjusting to moving away from my hometown and has always been a great shoulder to cry on, a friend to get shitfaced at frat parties with, and vent to. I know this also may sound strange, but being from Laredo, a city with a 90% Latinx population, she taught me a lot about being friends with people outside my race as she is White. Moving to Austin in 2011 was a definite culture shock and having a friend with a difference perspective through the lens race helped me adjust. She’s also woke AF; she’s so dope. 

Alexis and I met each other when she subleased from an ex-boyfriend that I was planning on living with (thank GOD that didn’t happen). Alexis was also the first friend I told that I had gotten kicked out of school for my grades (something I will share more about in another post). Alexis is the person I told some of my deepest, darkest secrets to and she has done the same with me. We’ve never judged each other, have always helped each other, and been there for each other. She’s an AMAZING listener. I had the pleasure of taking an elective class with her called Capital Punishment in America my last semester at UT  and it was awesome to see her in a thought provoking setting and learning more about her perspective on complicated issues. She’s living in Dallas, TX now climbing up the corporate ladder and I’m proud to call her my best friend. She has one of the purest hearts I’ve ever seen and that’s hard to find nowadays. 

Natasha and I were roommates at good ol’ Town Lake Student Apartments when I subleased from her former roommate that had just graduated. She is the little, big sister in my life. She’s twenty-one and I’m twenty-six and I swear, I look up to that girl. She graduated college at twenty (whaaaaaat), is financially, spiritually, and emotionally independent, and is the most responsible person I know. She keeps me in check. She kicks my ass when I need it. She pushes me to be the best person I can be in every facet of life. Besides my father, I don’t think I admire anyone more than I admire her. We pick each other’s brains all the time and she’s not your typical barely-legal girl. She’s more successful than some of the bums I’ve dated! Ha!

You go to college to meet your bridesmaids y’all, not your husband.

Jose Angel

I have a male best friend too! His name is Angel and we’ve known each other since we were five years old. How many people can say they’ve been friends for almost twenty-two years? We grew up together and weren’t super close the whole time I’ve known him, but in the last five years we’ve grown extremely close and he sets me straight as well. He helps me with boy probs, financial advice, and just life in general. He lives in Houston, TX and I really wish I could see him more often than I do. Every time I visit him in Houston he’s always down to do whatever I want to do. I am very lucky to have a good hearted, male friend that is near and dear to my heart. 

My Not-As Close Friends

I try to live my life with the purest intentions in my heart, and I feel that I have lots of close and not-so-close friends, acquaintances and supporters from afar because of this. Just know, especially with this bikini prep that I’m on, I appreciate all of your support and kindness. Know that I am always there to lend an ear, a helping hand, ANYTHING (within reason). I love meeting and connecting with new people so don't hesitate to reach out. Let’s be fraaaans :)

My Exes

I do not communicate with two of my four ex boyfriends. The ones I do talk to or have talked to are my high school boyfriend, who I haven’t heard from in years and is just a Facebook friend, and one other. I’ve been through some pretty traumatic shit in past relationships, some a little too deep to share here, but I wish them all the best and all the success in the world in every aspect of their lives. Despite the turmoil I’ve been through, I’ve loved, lost, and will continue to love deeply. I've been lied to, cheated on, broken up with the day before my birthday, been left the day before Valentine’s Day, been emotionally and mentally abused, but I honestly believe in love, and the man who I end up with will be an incredibly lucky man. I’ve loved the wrong men fiercely, imagine how great I can be and how I can love the right man?

My Current Relationship Status

I am seeing someone, but it is in the very early stages of getting to know each other; we’ve recently reconnected. I met him a few years ago when I was definitely not ready to pursue a relationship with anyone else besides my most recent ex, who I was broken up with at the time. We shall see! Like I said, I trust the plan God has for my life. 

MYSELF

Besides my relationship with God, this is the most important relationship I have, the one I have with myself. I’m learning to love myself more and more everyday. I have a newfound or resurfaced confidence again since I started my fat loss journey. I learn something new about myself almost every day! I still don’t have it all figured out, but that’s the beauty of life. Always moving forward.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am honest to every person I come to meet. What you see is what you get. I don’t play games, I don’t have malicious intentions. I am an open book. Get to know me :)

[grizbehr]

Second Chances - Part Two

Future AU: The reunion over, Lucas and Lily return to Texas and Riley returns to her job overseas. Will the difficulties of distance and their own lives cause problems for their reemerging relationship

Part One   Chapter List

Chapter Thirteen - Birthdays

"Go ahead," Riley said as she cuddled in Lucas' arms on the couch. "Tell me you told me so."

"I wouldn't do that," Lucas told her. He had gotten back from the hospital to find that Riley and Maya had returned. Riley had been curled up on the sofa and Lucas pulled her into his arms.

"I understand her loss, but how can someone take it out on a child like that?"

"Had it been her father you met, you may have been able to bring him around. But Hannah has been like that for as long as I've known her. She never warmed up to me. Anna told me there were times when she saw her mother brighten, but it was only for a second. Then she would revert back to her stern and rigid behavior. She loved her mother, but I think she was glad when she moved away for college."

Riley sat there, comfortable in Lucas' arms. With everything else that was going on, here she felt safe.

"You did a good job with the ramp," she said after a moment. "I take it it was Zay who replanted the flowers?"

"Yeah," Lucas laughed. "It was actually Thomas and the hands who did the work. After we got the truck unloaded, I went to the hospital."

"How's she doing?"

"I'm not sure. Physically she's the same, but I think being there is getting to her. Tomorrow is her birthday and I'm going to talk to the doctor and see if we can bring her home early."

"Just don't push too hard. If bringing her home would do more harm than good…"

"I know. I'm just going to talk to him about it. I won't bring her home until she's ready." The two sat there in silence.

"Where is everyone," Riley asked, noticing that neither Maya or Zay had come in. Lucas looked out the window at the evening sky.

"I'm not sure. They were out front when I came in."

"Maybe we should go find them," Riley said, starting to rise. Lucas held on and pulled her closer.

"Or maybe we should just let them find themselves. I'm actually pretty comfortable as I am." Riley relented and snuggled in closer.

"So," Lucas said hesitantly. "Have you thought any more about what you are going to do?"

"Not really." Riley let out a sigh. "But I don't think I'm headed back to London. I thought about it a lot on the ride back here. Between Anna's mom cutting herself of from Lily and you and your father made me realize even more how much I've cut myself off from my parents. When we were younger, I was so close to them. Even when it sometimes felt that mom was closer to Maya than me, I always knew she was there for me. And dad was always around, even when we didn't want him there. Since I moved…actually before that…we're not as close. I'd like to change that before it's too late."

"I don't think that's something you need to worry about. My dad and I have never really gotten along. He always thought he knew what was best for me, without taking what I want into consideration."

"He was right about moving to New York though," Riley interrupted. "Wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he was. But he never made me feel that I could come to him. It was always his way or the highway. As for Hannah, she grew up in an orphanage and was reared by nuns. So I don't think she ever knew how a mother was supposed to act, but she did her best. I think, maybe, she had to close herself off to protect herself. I hope that she'll come around, but I don't expect it. Someday, maybe Lily will reach out and they'll change their minds."

"Are you sure you want to come here," Zay asked as they walked through the trees. "It kind of messed everything up last time,"

"I'm sure," Maya said as they came across the campfire burn. She walked around it before sitting down on one of the logs. Zay sat down across from her.

"Do you ever think 'What if?'" Zay asked her. "What if we had never come here for the rodeo? What if Riley hadn't backed away? What if…"

"What if Lucas and I had kissed here?" Zay nodded at her and Maya gazed into the black spot in the middle of the clearing. "Yeah, I thought about it. Especially when we first got back. I sometimes wished that we had. Then we would have known if there was something there. Like the song says, 'If you want to know if he loves you so, it's in his kiss.' Based on what we know now, there wouldn't have been and we could have moved on that much faster."

"Or you might have thought there was something and it would have made it so much worse."

"You're probably right," Maya admitted. "That was the only time I was worried about Riley and me. That's part of why it dragged on as long as it did. I thought that if one of us got with Lucas, the other would pull away."

"Riley did," Zay said. "Remember before Farkle made his announcement on the roof. If it was you and Riley, everything was good. But once Lucas came in, Riley excused herself. She really thought that the two of you liked each other and the sight of you together hurt her so much."

"And I was oblivious to it," Maya agreed. "I've gotten better since then. I've known for a few years that Riley hasn't been happy in London. But that's something she needed to figure out on her own."

"I think we've all known. When she left for London, I thought that was going to be the end of us. It felt just like when her mom was possibly getting transferred there, except it was worse. Lucas was down here and I was scared that without him as an anchor, I'd lose my friends. I knew that Riley would never let me go, but if she was gone..."

"Hey," Maya got up and went over to him. "You're stuck with us," she wrapped her arms around Zay's shoulders.

"Boy, do I know that now. We've all grown a lot since High School. We've become stronger, both together and separately. All of us have learned something from the people in our lives."

"People change people." Maya laid her head on Zay's shoulder and the two friends sat there in silence.

Lily's eyes opened and she looked at the clock. "Two-twenty-three," she said sadly. "Happy birthday, Lily." She looked around the room, wishing she was in her own bed in her own home. Her dad would be coming in right about now to wish her a happy birthday and they'd sit and talk.

"Happy birthday, baby girl," Lucas said from the doorway. Lily looked up and smiled.

"Daddy," she said, reaching her arms out. Lucas sat on the bed next to her and hugged her softly. "I'm glad you're here. I was afraid we wouldn't be able to do this this year."

"I sneaked in. No way was I going to miss being the first to wish you a happy birthday." He kissed Lily before letting her fall back on her pillow. "So how does it feel to be fifteen?"

"It sucks," Lily said. "I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of this pain in my side. I'm tired of my foot not working. I want to go home."

"I know, and as soon as the doctors say you can, you will. We're all coming back later to have a mini-birthday and I plan on talking to them then. I just don't want to do anything that will hurt your recovery."

"Ya'll don't have to do that. I'm not really up to a party."

"Tough. Maya and Zay need to get back and they want you to know how much you mean to them. We won't stay long."

"Fine. What about Riley? Is she going too?"

"Not just yet." Lucas paused for a moment, not sure if he should tell his daughter this. "She quit her job and is moving back to New York, so doesn't have anything pressing right now. She said she'd stay with us for a while."

"You know," Lily said. "If you wanted to, you could ask her to move down here with us instead of going back to New York. I think it would be good for you to have her around. And I'd kind of like for her to be around also."

"I agree," Lucas told her. "But she needs to do what's right for her. We can't be selfish. She wants to reconnect with her family and I think that's important. Maybe, someday."

"I'll look forward to someday, then. You could make sure she, you know, knows that she's welcome to, though."

"She knows," Lucas said.

"Just don't assume she does, daddy. Make sure."

"I will," Lucas assured her. "Trust me, I learned a long time ago not to just assume things." Lily looked at him curiously. He laughed softly. "Okay, one story then you get back to sleep and I'll head home. It was after we went on our disastrous second date and we had decided to just be friends because we weren't ready yet. The semi-formal was coming up and I assumed we would be going together, so I didn't ask her. I mean, we had gone to the last dance together. What I didn't realize at the time was that Riley wanted to be asked. They showed this old filmstrip from the fifties and I still didn't get it. After class, a friend, of sorts, did this big ask. Flowers, balloons, Yogi on roller-skates. Riley said yes, thinking it was from me. But it wasn't. I was hurt at first, then upset with myself. I let her down."

"When we finally did get together, we promised that we'd go to dances together without even asking. But I made sure to ask anyway."

"Do you think that if you had asked her, maybe the two of you would have gotten together earlier?"

"Maybe," Lucas said. "Riley and I had a lot of missed opportunities. It always seemed as if something was getting in the way. Usually our own insecurities. Okay, you get to sleep and let me get out of here before security comes and drags me off." Lily laughed as Lucas leaned down and kissed her on her forehead. "Happy birthday, baby."

"Thanks, daddy." Lily closed her eyes and Lucas went home.

"Happy birthday to you," they sang as they came into the room. Lily sat up in her bed and put a smile on her face. Maya was in front, holding the cake. Riley and Zay came in behind her, wrapped presents in their arms. Pulling up the rear was her father, balloons in his hands. They finished the song and then put down their burdens.

"Happy birthday," Maya said, kissing Lily on the cheek. She brushed her hand lightly through the young girl's hair.

"Happy birthday, magpie." Zay pulled a hard candy out of his pocket and put it in Lily's mouth.

"Happy birthday, Lily," Riley said, hugging her. Lily took her by the hand and didn't let go as her father gave her a hug.

"Maria will be by later," Lucas said. "She didn't want to crowd the room. Maggie said she'd call you. Her mom isn't letting her out too much."

"Thank you, everybody," she said, still holding Riley's hand. Riley noticed and climbed onto the bed and wrapped her arm around the girl. "But you didn't need to do this."

"Of course we did," Maya said. "It's not every day a girl turns fifteen."

"Besides," Zay added. "I'll never turn down a party." He moved his arms in a cheesy dancing motion, causing everyone to laugh.

As the others moved around the room, decorating and setting up, Riley stayed with Lily. "Are you doing okay," she asked quietly.

"I'm fine," Lily said. She relented quickly under Riley's gaze. "Okay, not fine. I'm bored and tired and ready to get out of here."

"I know, I know," Riley squeezed her. "When I got my tonsils out when I was little I was stuck in the hospital. Not as long as you have, by any means, but it was depressing being there. But I had my friends and family and that made it bearable."

"I guess," Lily admitted. "But I don't like being fussed over. I can stand on my own two feet." Riley looked at her as Lily's eyes moved to the bottom of her bed. "At least I used to," Lily said under her breath. Riley heard her and squeezed her again.

"You'll get there," Riley said. "I have faith. If you are half as stubborn as your father, nothing is going to stop you." She looked up to make sure everyone was occupied and pulled an envelope out of her pocket. "This is for you," she said, handing it over. "It's the address for your mother's parents."

Lily took it and stared at the sealed envelope. As often as she thought of her mother, she rarely gave a thought to her grandparents.

"I thought you could write them," Riley explained. "Maybe if you reached out, they'd be willing to do the same. They are family."

"Thank you, Riley," Lily breathed. Riley smiled and began to get up, but Lily stopped her. "I like you being here," Lily told her and Riley relaxed back next to her.

"Okay," Maya said, finishing up. The balloons were floating against the ceiling and the cake was on the table. There were no candles as they couldn't light a fire in the hospital. A banner, decorated by Maya with flowers and horses, was hung across the window reading "Happy Birthday Lily!"

"It's presents time," Maya continued. She brought a flat package over and deposited it on Lily's lap. "Mine first."

Lily tore the paper open. She pulled out a drawing pad and colored pencils. "Thank you, Auntie Maya. I love it, but I'm not a really good artist."

"You don't have to be good," Maya said. "Just have fun. And if something wonderful happens, draw me a picture." She leaned down and hugged the girl.

"Me next," Zay said, pushing a small box into her hands. Lily opened it, revealing a pendant of a bird. "It's a magpie," he explained.

"Thank you, Uncle Zay." Zay smiled and blushed as she put it around her neck with Riley's help. She put her hand on it and smiled.

"Riley," Lucas asked her. He handed her the box she had brought and Riley passed it over to Lily. She opened it to find a flash drive. Lily picked it up and saw the name "Lucas" hand written on it. She looked over at Riley confused.

"I know your father didn't tell you a lot about his time up north," Riley said. "I gathered up all the photos I could find of him, both mine and from the others who know him, and put them on this flash drive. If you play them in order, it sort of tells his story. I, uhm, also included pictures of him and your mom and the three of you together. I hope it's okay."

"It's perfect," Lily said. She held it in her hand and spun it around. She leaned her head on Riley's shoulder, wishing she had her computer here so she could look at them. Lucas smiled down at his daughter laying there next to Riley.

"There's someone else who wants to give you a birthday present, of sorts," Lucas said, pulling out his tablet. He opened up the video chat app and then turned it to face Lily.

"Happy birthday," Farkle said from the screen.

"Hi, Uncle Farkle," Lily said. She could see he was still at the hospital.

"Okay, this isn’t exactly your birthday present," Farkle said. "That's a flight on a private jet whenever you want to come up here and visit. But this arrived late last night and thought you'd like to see." He turned the tablet around to reveal Isadora holding a baby boy in her arms.

"May I introduce you to Stuart Cornelius Minkus." Lily could hear the pride in his voice.

"Aawwwwwwww," Lily, Riley, and Maya all said at the same time. "He's so cute," Lily said.

"And he had the foresight not to be born on your birthday," Farkle said, sitting next to his wife and son. "He was born at eleven-fifty-eight last night."

"My dad will be so proud you gave him the name Cornelius," Riley said.

"He and your mom were here this morning and I told him. He started tearing up. But how could I not name my son after someone who meant so much to my life. He helped make me the man I am."

"He's adorable, guys," Lucas said. "Don't you think, Izzy?"

"I do," Isadora said. "I was worried about connecting with him, but as soon as he was in my arms I knew that wouldn't be a problem."

"I'm glad."

"Riley, Maya," Farkle stated. "Even though neither of us are really religious, we'd like for you to be his godmothers."

"You can't have two godmothers," Zay said.

"Who says," Farkle replied. "I've never been able to choose between those two, so it only makes sense that they both hold that position."

Riley looked over at Maya who nodded. "We'd love to, Farkle," Riley said for both of them.

"Good. And since he'll have two godmothers, it's only fair that he have two godfathers. Lucas, Zay? Would you do us the honor."

"Of course," Lucas said quickly, smiling.

"Try and stop us," Zay said, forgetting his earlier objection.

"We're going to let you go now," Farkle said. "Isadora and Stuart need their rest."

"Bye, Farkle," everyone said. "Bye Izzy. Bye Stuart." The screen went dark and everyone started talking about the baby. Everyone except Lily.

"What's wrong," Riley said, noticing. Lily realized that very little got past Riley, even if she didn't let on that she knew.

"I don't know," Lily admitted. "I'm happy everyone is here and I got to see Farkle and the baby. Maybe I'm just getting tired out." She glanced over at the door.

"Or maybe you wish someone else was here? Where is Dave? I haven't seen him for a while."

"We had a fight. He was just always doing things for me. Things I should be able to do myself. I just don't want to see him right now. But at the same time, I do."

"I think it's more that you don't want him to see you right now," Riley explained. "You feel broken and his trying to help makes you feel more broken and you don't want him to see you broken so you pushed him away. It's understandable, it really is. But don't let it go on too long. I don't know him that well, but sometimes when you push someone away, they go."

Lily put her head back on Riley's shoulder. Riley smiled at the girl. Though they didn't say it out loud, they both thought that this felt right.

Chapter Fourteen - Home Again

[elswrites]

05/05/2018

To you,

It’s so crazy to think that in two weeks, I’ll be seeing you again for the first time in about 4 years. Or at least, planning to see you. For as long as I’ve known you, since 2011, we’ve been through one heck of a ride. While some know our story, I feel only you and I know what kind of journey it truly has been. We’ve shared our highs and our lows, and no matter how much we drift apart whether it be months, or even years in our case, life has its way of bringing us back together somehow.

A lot of my memories with you have grown vague over the years but I can still recall some lucid times together.  I still remember the day we first hung out during the summer of 2011. You walked into Barnes and Noble while I was sitting in the café doing homework and you played dumb and pretended like you didn’t know where I was. We went to the beach and sat on the sand, and being the total jerk you were back then, you threw sand at me and into my hair and we had our fair share of sand throws at each other. I will never forget getting into the shower that night and how it took forever to get every grain out of my hair… but as frustrated and annoyed I was, I still couldn’t stop thinking about how happy I was and how much I laughed that night. A few months went by... but considering how young and dumb we were, thinking we could do what we were doing without having “intentions,” turned out to be a disaster. I remember thinking to myself at the time and confidently telling myself I can talk and hang out with you without feeling anything, and boy was I wrong.

For the following years after that, we went our separate ways but continued to keep in touch and just be friends. I remember while living in Oregon, you were the one to comfort me on my dark days while no one else could. I still remember the time you were still working at the airport and you met me near my gate to say bye before I was going to Oregon. Moving to Oahu brought a lot of memories too, more I wish I could forget… but as much as it was painful for both of us, I can still manage to find the light in our darkness. Like how you left me at Safeway and drove off with your loud and obnoxious car, but also that’s the place we had our first kiss. Or the time we said our “last” goodbye at the parking structure, but that’s where we had a lot of memories hanging out in our cars, holding hands and just talking about life.

After we had our falling out, as much I despised you, a part of me had always wondered how you were doing and most importantly, if you were happy. When I heard you moved to Vegas, as much as I was so happy for you, I couldn’t help but wonder if you ran from me and the pain I’ve caused you. I won’t be doing any apologizing in this letter, because I know I’ve done too much of that over the phone or through text. During the few years we had no connection, I believe the time away from you gave me a clearer understanding on what happened with us up to that time and why. And over the years I’ve learned to accept it. In the back of my mind I always wondered how and where we would be if things happened differently, but I had to remind myself to let it all go, and to let you go.

Then in late summer 2016, you came back again and saved me like you always do. Reconnecting again felt like a dream. I never thought in a million years I’d be where I was in that moment. Coming to realize that much hasn’t changed, and you were still the same guy I could tell literally everything to. Thank you again, for being there while my heart was healing… and for being my confidant in the times I felt I hit rock bottom. I remember feeling over the moon and so excited at where life was going to take us because we really felt that finally, that time was right for us. Our Skype calls, our birthday gifts, and watching that movie on Netflix over the phone I kept falling asleep to. Everything was the way it was supposed to be, the way we, or at least I, dreamed of having for years. Until I decided to be extremely stupid and selfish to throw it all away. To this day, I still find it hard to forgive myself for ruining a perfectly good thing and potentially had what it takes to be amazing.

While there are several other memories, moments or incidents, whatever you may call them, that I’ve failed to mention in this letter, I know that each time we have crossed paths, whether it be under good or bad circumstances, you have always put it in your best interest to protect me even though it hurt you. You always did something that benefited me, even though you would get nothing from it. You learned how to let me go and let me be, even in times you wanted to hold on. Even though in the beginning you were the selfish one, you grew to be one of the most selfless people I know now. I hope you know how incredibly thankful I am for the purpose you have served in my life, for being so understanding in times I made completely no sense, for not judging me or thinking of me differently even when I had every reason as to why you should resent me, and for still being my friend when I didn’t deserve you.

Now it’s been almost two years since we last tried to make it work and that’s given me a lot of time to think about us and more importantly me. My biggest mistake was losing sight of your value and how much you’ve done for me. I was so fixated on myself and what I wanted without looking at the bigger picture with you in it. I still beat myself up for making you feel less than what you truly are and for invalidating your feelings when I knew all you needed was for me to be there halfway. I know that nothing I do or say will make up for how I made you feel. I never understood how you stuck with me and always came back to “save me” because I knew I didn’t deserve that.

This past March when I told you how I felt, we both came to an agreement that we’ve always been “right person, wrong timing” and there are no promises as to if we will ever get a chance at us again someday. But after all these years, I am so happy for you and I know you are in a good place right now and honestly, with or without me, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.

I hope that one day I could be blessed with another opportunity to do things right this time. But until (if) then - even if it’s not going to be me, it’s always going to be you.

Aommfimh,

Me