#I wish my brain would just see sex as whatever but i cant imagine anyone seeing me that vurnable

[mrfoox]

Talking about nsfw things with Oliver is always the most fun

[keepthesethoughtsinsideyou]

2/25/2023

So this is probably an awful idea. But when you were getting married and then having your honeymoon, i wrote letters to you. that i didnt send to you. i think i only had 3 or 4 days worth of them. But I have no clue when i will ever speak to you again. And like, speak speak. Not some short text. I'm very torn on everything. my heart, is shattered. truly. But you know. At least I have to think you know. Maybe you have like, been able to trick yourself into thinking i never cared. or idk. i just dont know Courtney. I am sorry that i felt this was planned. you did admit it was, after comparing me to Chad first of course. But planned in that, yo. i cant take this. its fair and justified. Maybe the Chad comparison was fair too. idfk. It also makes me hate myself more than I ever thought I could. i have been crying so much today that i have no concept of time. I am glad that at least you have had a wonderful Saturday. Out of town with a friend. Seeing a hopefully enjoyable movie. I was left to morn my dead Dad and now the most important relationship ive ever had. idk if youll ever read or see any of these. And christ i dont want to come off bitter or angry. or anything. I know that i hurt you already. fuck. i hurt you so much that you were like, peace dude. im just, shocked? i dont get how we are video chatting and opening gifts and i bought a hotel for us. To meet up in a crazy thing where I had no plan as to HOW things were gonna work. But my love and need to see you bypassed any real worries. It's crazy how this relationship brought that out of me. I think looking back at things, I was still a bit of a stick in the mud comparably. But you definitely brought something out of me that was crazy and off the cuff. I liked it. I wish i could save things. I wish this was like that early time when you broke things off and then like 2 days later came back and said you couldnt be without me. I'm not religious but I am hoping there are some sort of synchronicities or coincidences that send you back to me. I didnt expect you to not break up with me just because it was my dead father''s birthday. That would be manipulative. You broke up with me just the other day and I cant even tell you WHY. I remember alot of you telling me how YOU had negatively effected my life. And i deserved better and whatever. But i just wanted you. I told my mom that I have never loved someone like i loved you, and I never will again. I didnt know I was capable of love like this. I wont ever find it again. This message sucks cause its all over the place and im not making much sense or keeping a consistent tone. the barbed comments I would make. Back handed shit. god, they are all i can fucking think about. I cant imagine how differently things wouldve been if you hadnt immediately started having sex with new people. my brain just cant Courtney. How can you love me, want a future with me, want children, a home. But then as soon as you are single, its not me. Its not me at all. It's someone else. It really fucked with my head. And honestly, i just think I am a square. I have never hooked up with anyone in my life. I have only had sex with people I had relationships with. And the concept of sex outside of that is not only unappealing to me, but kind of grosses me out. Thats for me. I get people are into their own things and I dont judge. But being faced by someone who can say all this lovey dovey bs to me, and go fuck another man. And theres no connection? its just sex? whats the big deal? well, thats where my brain goes insane. I've never felt good enough or worthy of you. And for you to immediately shack up with someone NOT me while saying different things to me, it really fed into that insecurity. But thats me right? its MY insecurity. So who would you be to respect or acknowledge that. You are a young single woman who can finally go out and experiment and find yourself. Neither me or anyone else should stand in your way of that. But god dammit did it break my heart. And your ability to seemingly never think of me and my feelings just solidified mentally that i was not good enough. i was not worthy. and maybe worst of all, I was not your first choice. i lashed out with my words. my tone. things i said. how i said that. ugh. i wish...i wish i couldve just been your supportive friend. YASSS QUEEN! GO EAT SOME PUSSY! there are moments when i can be cool. But the uncool version of me surfaced his ugly head far more often as more of your experimentation took off. It just blows because, this only got bad once this started. Prior to that, i feel like things were wonderful. But i am probably sugarcoating things post mortem. i regret ever telling you i had bipolar disorder. i regret ever telling you about my anxiety disorder. Because in breaking up with me, they were both brought up. Negative is negative though. Just sucks feeling like you arent good enough from the get go and then being made to feel like you are broken and needing fixing. I dont know alot of people who would be okay with the love of their life fucking other people. Especially when that same person has told you they want you over anyone. But then when you try to plan a future together, those conversations go nowhere. So idk. Too much too soon I guess. I know that no matter what negative things i may think of the situation, I know I am at fault. I couldnt handle the pressure of being with a poly person. And I especially couldnt handle it when it seemed like the plans to experiment and have sex with other people superseded our plans that we talked about of a future together. But as i said, I know i am wrong. I am the villain. I think of some of the things i said to you in the days following you telling me Andi was coming there to get a hotel so you 2 could fuck. And christ. my tone. the meanness. i know i can change. i know it. maybe you'll change too? But maybe some of your negative qualities will change in your period of experimenting. who knows? all i know is each hour that passes and I cant talk to you breaks my soul. as much as I am sure you would prefer me checking my insurance to see if i could get therapy and medicated, i am afraid i am looking into seeing if it will cover me committing myself. Because I am genuinely unsure how i can go on. All i can think about is taking a bunch of Ativan and walking out into the woods and falling asleep and never waking up. Which in my present state I can realize is not good. The issue is, between the hotel i JUST bought us Thursday, and the hotel I bought us for your visit here in April, that's over $900 i charged that's non refundable. If I commit myself, I will lose my job. Outside of hotel money, i am just in debt in general too. So i feel so fucking stuck. None of this matters though. I just want you back. I don't care about money. I don't care about who else you have sex with. i just want my angel back. i can and will change. And I am TERRIFIED because per you,  you are a serial monogamous relationship person. I want to change so you will love me again. I want to change so you can feel comfortable with your heart with me. But what if it takes to long? And you're already on to the next one? idfk. But my soul is crushed and i feel like giving up. I'm back to where I was before we met. The difference is now i have the pain and grief of losing my cosmic lover. My partner the universe brought into my life. How does one cope with such a loss? How does one live knowing they lost a love that was unlike anything they've ever experienced. I don't know. i do not want to live a life without you in it. 

[illfoandillfie]

Welcome Home

Pairing: Roger Taylor x Fem!Reader

Summery: Roger’s delayed getting home from tour.

Warnings: SMUT (18+),but it’s like light smut lmao,cock warming,morning sex,just like some fluffy bullshit really

Words: 2326

A/N: Been a lil minute since I wrote Rog and I kinda missed him. this idea came to me last week and wouldn't leave me alone lmao

Taglist: @laedymoon​ @dtfrogertaylor​ @vee-ndetta​ @atomic-watermelon​ @kellypenac​ @labessieisallama​ @deakyclicks​ @jennyggggrrr​ @drowseoftaylor​ @hannafuckingsucks​ @i-cant-hangout-im-drumming​ @queenmylovely​ @supersonicfreddie​ @taron-egrotten @johndeaconshands​ @borhapbois​

It had been a couple of months since you’d seen Roger face to face. The biggest downside of dating a rock star was dealing with his absence. Everyone seemed insistent on dragging him away from you, often to the other side of the world. You took comfort knowing he missed you as much as you missed him, and that he was leaving you to live out his lifelong dream. What could be more important than that? When he was away, he called frequently to check in with you. You’d laugh about whatever drama he’d had to endure during rehearsal (though privately you were sure he exaggerated) and then you’d tell him all about what he was missing back home. But the further into the tour he got, the more the calls changed. Gone were the long conversations that unpacked every minute aspect of your day. They were replaced with long conversations that answered the question how was your day? in the first five minutes and dedicated the rest of the time to talk of possible ways to celebrate his eventual return, growing steadily filthier. The problem was that, having moved in together, you’d become accustomed to a certain amount of physical intimacy that you just weren’t getting without Roger there. You missed being able to startle him by laying ice cold hands against the back of his neck, missed cuddling up with him on the couch. You even missed the way he’d pinch your bum as he hugged you, laughing when you squealed in response and batted his chest with your palm. Of course, you missed the sex too. He’d always claimed to be a good lay and, so far, he hadn’t disappointed you. It wasn’t always easy to unwind after a long or hard day of work without being able to grab Roger by the hand and pull him into the bedroom for a few hours, and sometimes the forced abstinence just added to any tensions or stresses you were already dealing with. Plus it was nice to have someone you enjoyed having sex with, who liked making you feel good, and it kind of just sucked to lose that. So being stuck with nothing but your imagination soon had you desperate for Roger’s return and he seemed to feel the same. By the end of the tour you’d abandoned all pretence and we just having straight up phone sex every other night, Roger locked away in his hotel room, you wherever you’d happened to pick up the phone – bedroom or kitchen or lounge room, it didn’t matter.

There was some mild embarrassment at the thought of what may be said of you if anyone were to overhear. Things mentioned in the heat of the moment often seemed silly after you’d hung up, the fog of needy lust subsiding. But while you were on the phone you couldn’t care less who heard what, as long as Roger was there, listening to you, describing his own ideas in response. It was good that Roger had just as large a disregard for anyone else’s ears as you because you were sure one of the boys would be in the room next to his, probably able to hear everything he said. Perhaps if they’d been able to hear your voice, your moans, you would have been more concerned, but you were alone on your end of the line, free to be as loud as you liked. And when you were lying in bed, one hand shoved down the front of your pants, listening to Roger describe how he wanted to fuck you, loud is exactly what you were. The hand that wasn’t pressed to your clit held the phone held tight to your ear, as if loosening your grip would shake you loose from Roger himself.

“Christ I miss your cunt,” he groaned down the line, the sound of his hand sliding over his dick audible beneath his words, “tell me you miss my cock,”

“God yes Rog,” you whined, a little startled by just how much you meant it. “Miss how you fuck me. My fingers are fucking shit compared to the way it feels when you fill me,”

“Shit, love. The second I see you I’m going to slide into your pussy and just stay there for as long as I can.”

“I’ll squeeze down on you,” you warned, not in the mood to think about being full and unfucked.

“Good. I’ll cum in you and then stay there until you’re squirming and begging and I’m hard enough to pound you. Fuck you so loud the neighbours complain. Might even keep myself stuffed inside you until I can start round three.”

“Jesus Rog,”

“You like the sound of that? Being my own personal cock sleeve?”

“Mmhmm, so much. You could live in me. Just stay inside me forever, fucking me and pumping me full of cum over and over.”

“Fuck. I can hear how wet you are.”

So it usually went, or something similar.

But, unfortunately, your most recent phone call was nowhere near as fun. Roger had meant to be home by six. You’d been excited and spent the afternoon getting things ready. A nice hot bath with your favourite scents, fresh sheets for you to ruin the minute he walked in the door, a bottle of wine for afterwards. It would pair nicely with the steaks and sides you’d prepped – all easy and fast to cook as soon as you’d recovered enough. You even put on some of your nicest underwear. Not your fanciest lingerie because it was likely to be torn in his haste to undress you, but it was a matching set and one you knew he liked. But six o’clock came and went and he didn’t walk in the door. Enough time passed that you’d gotten cold waiting in just your undies, so you’d thrown a robe over the top and settled in front of the TV under a blanket. But it was hard to relax when you didn’t know where Roger was or why he hadn’t come home when he said he would. After a few more hours the phone rang and you raced to it, slightly worried you were about to hear something devastating. You sighed in relief at the sound of Roger’s voice but he didn’t have much time to chat. He rushed out an explanation for his being late – something about a weather delay and missing luggage – and then hung up again. A little upset at having to wait even longer to see him, and that your night had been ruined, you fixed yourself a quick dinner, leaving the steaks for the next day instead. You didn’t change though, just in case, your head flicking towards the front door at every little sound. It was late when you finally decided to call it a night, stumbling up to your room, not even bothering to change into pyjamas before you slipped under the covers.

The next thing you knew was being woken by someone climbing into bed next to you, the chill of his fingers making you shiver as he brushed hair off your face. You cracked an eye open, but the sun hadn’t risen and it was hard to see more than a vague outline, Roger’s quick apology for waking you confirmation of who he was. He felt you move to try and get a better look and softly told you to go back to sleep. Instead you waited for him to finish undressing and then shuffled closer, reaching out for him. He let you wrap your arms around him, repaid you with a soft kiss.

“You’re home,” you mumbled, not fully awake.

“Finally. Sorry I’m late,” his voice was low and rough and comforting to hear, right beside your ear, undistorted by connection issues and distance, “Fucking terrible night. But I’m glad to see you again.”

“Not quite the welcome I’d planned,” you said through a yawn.

He laughed softly and kissed the tip of your nose, “Me neither.”

“I got all dressed up and everything,”

Roger raised the blankets into the air, peaking under, trying to see what you meant, letting out a low whistle and a “now I really wish I’d been here sooner,” though you weren’t convinced he could actually see the set through the grey black of the early hour.

You laughed sleepily and raised a hand to stroke his cheek as he fell back to the pillow.

“I was thinking about you the whole way home,” he broke off to yawn, “Had to have a quick wank halfway across the Atlantic,” he yawned again and let his eyes shut for a moment, blinking them back open to look at you with a hint of his cheeky grin.

“Remember when you said you’d fuck me as soon as you saw me,”

“Not sure I have the energy for that. Don’t think you do either.”

You hummed in agreement, the sandman tugging at the corners of your brain, but there was another idea there too. Something more insistent. You tightened your grip on Roger, adjusted yourself to be more comfortable, pulled his head closer to the crook of your neck, able to feel his warm breath on your bare skin. “Kinda want you inside me anyway, Rog.”

“Really?”

The more you thought about it the more you wanted it. You’d missed his presence in the house, the smell of his shampoo and his cigarettes and his aftershave all mixed together, the way his laugh could fill a room, how it felt to sit in the backyard on a warm day and listen to him plucking at one of his guitars, the way he smiled when he said he loved you. And now that he was back all you wanted was to keep him close, listen to his every breath, feel his hair tickling your neck, the scratch of his stubble before he shaved, his warmth seeping into your skin. Just lying beside him wasn’t enough. You wanted to drown in him, completely and utterly surround yourself in him. But that was too hard to explain so early in the day, when you’d had only a couple hours sleep and he seemed to be running on even less. So you replied with a short, “Mmhmm,” lilting upward, and dropped your lips to the top of his head.

“You sure?” his question was an exhale against your throat, fingertips dancing closer to the waistband of your knickers.

“Positive. Just for a bit, please,”

He stifled another yawn as he pushed your underwear down, letting you kick them off one foot as he got rid of his own. There was a pause as he ran his hand along his length in long lazy strokes, a needy whine caught on the tip of your tongue as you waited. But it died there, replaced by a gasp as he pulled your leg over him and slowly sunk into you. Your fingers tightened where they lay and you felt his groan as vibrations against your throat as he filled you inch by inch.

“You okay?”

“Perfect,” you whispered back, “Welcome home.”

Roger hummed and breathed deep, taking a moment to wiggle into a slightly more comfortable position, hitching your leg up a little higher, tilting your head down so he could find your lips again. You saw his eyes flutter shut as he relaxed into the pillows, content to just stay like that until he could summon the energy to do more. You let your own eyes shut too, relishing the way it felt to be stretched around him, listening to his breaths slowing down and evening out.  

It was Roger’s groan that made you stir. An almost desperate sound, though he tried to keep it quiet. Slowly you blinked your eyes open, trying to tell whether Roger was awake yet too, or whether the noise was made in his sleep. You could see him clearer now, the bags under his eyes, the ruffled unkempt look of his hair. Your leg was still slung over him, slipped a little from where he’d placed it, and without thinking you made to move it back. Roger groaned again as a small gasp left you, the full memory of what had happened the previous night returning to you. It was weird, waking up so full, but not unpleasant.

“Y/N,” he sighed, “you up?”

“Mmhmm,”

“Love, do that again and we’re going to have a mess to clean up,” he warned, softly.

“How long you been awake?”

“Not long. But you’ve been clenching around me a bit in your sleep and I’m so close.” The last two words were almost pained and you briefly considered moving, letting Roger go so he could calm down sufficiently. But you were comfortable and happy wrapped around him and the memory of your phone calls nagged at the back of your mind, “You can let go,”

“What?”

“I’m… what’d you call me…your personal cock sleeve? So let go,”

Roger stared at you, eyes wide though still tired looking, as if he couldn’t believe what he’d heard. But, when you didn’t take it back he leaned in to kiss you, rocking his hips against you slowly, letting out a low noise as you felt him empty inside you. You kissed him in return, stroked his cheek as he calmed down. Just for a moment you let your eyes slip shut again, basking in the feeling of it all. When you looked back at Roger he was still staring.

“I love you,”

“Good, I don’t plan on letting you leave this bed much today,”

“Sounds good to me,” he laughed softly, following it with a hiss when you intentionally clenched on his sensitive dick again, “wait, wait love, give me like another minute.”

You apologised and settled for another kiss instead, leaving a few extra along his jaw until he was able to make good on his earlier promises.

[phobiadeficient]

somehow i cant find any "apicy" demosolly content.. do you think you could provide some?

i like demosolly a lot because it has the potential to be absolutely heart-wrenchingly sweet and also completely batshit crackheaded which is VERY fun and good. but also i will never be able to live up to the raw genius it takes to write soldier at peak soldier so sweet is what you’re gonna get

-

Demo had never been mistaken on the fact that Soldier was uncomfortable with eye contact. It wasn’t hard to piece together, the fact that he wore his helmet so low even though he held his head so high. In the locker rooms, it was the last thing he took off and the first thing he put back on. And at first Demo thought it was just about the helmet itself, but then they’d been stationed in a colder climate that warranted warmer headwear and he’d traded the helmet for a big, fluffy hat, and pulled that down over his eyes as well.

For the first months of their dating, he’d done his best to respect that boundary. Every time he had to push Soldier’s helmet up to kiss him, he kept his eye firmly shut for every moment that any place above his cheekbone was exposed. When they’d first gotten intimate, instead of insisting Soldier take the helmet off so he could better read his expressions and body language, he made the other man swear up and down to tell him if anything was wrong, and constantly paused to check that he was comfortable before each and every step they took into the act, to the point that Soldier ended up getting frustrated with him and snapping at him to hurry it up before he took the reins himself.

Eventually they escalated to Soldier taking his helmet off but facing away from him. And then Demo got another idea, when they were having a conversation one night before bed.

“Is the problem more me seeing your face, or the eye contact?” Demo asked, in the midst of pulling on a pair of boxers. He wasn’t sure if they belonged to him or Soldier—they wore the same size and dressed similarly enough anyways, so it didn’t particularly matter.

Soldier considered the question, standing in the mirror and looking at the series of love bites that had been scattered over his shoulders. “Neither,” he seemed to decide. “Or… with most people, both. But not with you.”

That made Demo smile. “Yeah?”

“Affirmative.” Another pause. “The problem is feeling… vulnerable to attack. The eyes are among the most vulnerable part of the body. I prefer not to have them exposed.”

Demo nodded. He could absolutely understand that, maybe more than anyone else on the team. “So you’d be alright with me looking you in the eye, just not straight in the eye?” he asked.

Soldier frowned. “What do you mean?”

Demo stood, moving over to demonstrate. He hooked an arm around Soldier’s waist, gathering him close and nuzzling into his neck for a second, making him smile a little sheepishly. Then he moved his free hand up to tilt his helmet back out of the way, making eye contact with Soldier’s reflection.

“This alright?” he asked, watching Soldier’s body language in his periphery for any sign of tension. He got none, only a vague shifting like surprise that slowly faded back away the longer their gazes held.

He didn’t answer for a few moments. Demo took a moment during the pause to tilt his head to press a kiss just behind Soldier’s ear, and was delighted to see the way Soldier’s eyes crinkled up at the edges as he smiled.

“This is good,” Soldier seemed to decide, voice firm. “I am enjoying this.”

“Happy to hear it, lad,” Demo said simply, and kissed him under the jaw. “How’s about some other time we try something else with this?”

“Why not now?” Soldier asked, and Demo was intrigued by the curve of his eyebrows, the squint of his eyes.

“Because you rode me like a bloody show pony through three rounds and if I try for one more bloody time tonight I think my soul’s as ready to leave my body as anything else,” he deadpanned.

It was nice to see the place where Soldier’s flush started to develop on his face, to watch it spreading up to his ears rather than just down to his collarbones. “Understood,” was all Soldier managed to say, finally breaking and averting his eyes, and Demo laughed.

They tried the “something new” a few days later, when Demo was sure they’d have plenty of time for each other, when he knew they wouldn’t be rushing or tired from a long day of work and chores and tinkering and exercise.

He told Soldier right out the gate that the night would be gentle overall, and they would be taking it slow and steady. Soldier nodded, and mimicked one of the things Demo would do when he was in one of his more romantic moods, picking up his hand and pressing a kiss into the center of his palm. Then he surprised Demo with something new, looking at his hand for a moment and starting to press kisses along the gradient where his skin darkened from palm to wrist, gently kissing a line there, and it made Demo’s face feel hot, his heart fluttering, pleasant and warming like a glimpse of the sunrise between the canyons rather than sharp and aching like a rushed defusal following a mistaken button press.

He spent a few moments rearranging the room, answering every one of Soldier’s questions with “be patient, love, it’s a surprise”. Soldier only seemed to start catching on when he was naked and situated on Demo’s lap, facing outward directly towards the mirror Demo had borrowed from its place hanging on the back of the door and set at the foot of the bed.

He couldn’t manage to keep eye contact through the entirety of Demo teasing him open with steady fingers, eyes flicking away, then head turning down and to one side, and finally burying his face in his hand, hunched forward even as his legs started trembling.

“You alright?” Demo asked cautiously when he finally noticed Soldier hiding, ready to cease all goings-on at a moment’s notice.

“I’m embarrassed,” Soldier said, tone flat even where it trembled.

Demo purred comforting words into the stubble on his neck, continuing to flow fingers against Soldier, more to soothe than prepare him, although he was nearly ready anyways. “Janey, I promise I won’t laugh at you,” he murmured, eye closed for a moment to give Soldier reprieve. “Won’t think less of you, neither. I love you, every part of you. And going off of that, I’m right sure I’ll love everything I’ll see here tonight. And whatever I see stays right here between us.”

That seemed to bring Soldier comfort and ease, because within a few moments the shoulder Demo was resting his chin on was relaxed, and the only tension remaining was in Soldier’s thighs, starting to tremble.

“We can try again some other time if you’d like,” he finally offered, just in case.

“I want to do this,” Soldier replied, decisive again.

Demo smiled, opened his eye to look at Soldier again. “Alright,” he said simply. “Then let’s.”

He found himself breathless as he finally pushed into Soldier a few moments later, both thanks to the pleasure and thanks to the novelty of seeing Soldier’s face. The way his eyebrows drew together and crooked, his eyelids faltering before finally dropping closed, his full expression on display rather than simply the way his lips parted with panting when Demo’s thighs were finally pressed flush with his own, oh, it was more than he could’ve ever hoped for, wished for. His chest was full to the bursting.

Less sappy emotional nonsense followed after that initial moment, only occasionally hitting him with an aftershock.

He slowly rolled into a steady pace, and wound up nibbling and nipping at Soldier’s shoulders and back, having already been treated previously to all sorts of enthusiastic babble about how much Soldier enjoyed that particular activity. And soon enough Soldier was doing the majority of the work, a powerful core paired with thighs of steel combining to make him an absolute terror of a ride, driving Demo to some amount of desperation within the minute.

Suddenly resurfacing from the sea of pleasure Soldier had thrown him into and remembering the new thing they’d just added to their sex lives, Demo blinked his bleary eye open and shifted to try and catch a glimpse of Soldier’s expression in the mirror. And he found that Soldier had already been looking at him, and he’d always sort of imagined that when he was riding this hard Soldier would have the same look of determination on his face that he got somewhere around pull-up number eighty, but instead there was desperation there, clear and sharp, and a vulnerability that Demo hadn’t been aware of Soldier being ready for, and it hit like a punch to the jaw, his brain reeling.

Soldier reached a hand back, and it found the back of Demo’s neck, pulling him in, and he went along with the silent request and started back in on leaving marks across Soldier’s skin.

He’d thought that Jane would be the one who might get overwhelmed by this, but he was wrong. Just one glimpse of his face and Demo had nearly been undone.

He held himself together up until Soldier started making that little noise in the back of his throat on every exhale that meant he was close, and took over the pace for a moment to finish himself off, reaching around to fist at his cock even as he pounded in once, twice, three times, throbbing and spending himself, a second kind of relief washing through him when Soldier choked out a noise and came as well, spurting mostly onto his own stomach, the final jolt spilling mostly over Demo’s fist.

He had to pull out, and managed not to wince at the drip that followed, warm against his thigh. He nosed in at Soldier’s stubble again, peeking at his expression.

Gorgeous. He’d always suspected that it would be. And slightly goofy, he had to admit, but it read as endearing rather than ridiculous.

“Can we do that again?” Soldier asked, voice a little weak, and Demo chuckled, kissed him on the shoulder.

“In a few minutes maybe, doll,” he teased, and it got Soldier to exhale, pulling the hand now resting against his waist up within kissing range, and Demo didn’t stop him, even as he made a noise of protest at the way Soldier ended up carelessly ended up getting cum on his face.

He’d just need to clean it off later, he supposed.

[zombiequincy]

THE MEGA RP PLOTTING SHEET / MEME.

First and foremost, recall that no one is perfect, we all had witnessed some plotting once which did not went too well, be it because of us or our partner. So here have this, which may help for future plotting. It’s a lot! Yes, but perhaps give your partners some insight? Anyway BOLD what fully applies, italicize if only somewhat.

MUN NAME: Hela     AGE: 21       CONTACT: IM

CHARACTER(S): Giselle Gewelle, Yumichika Ayasegawa (inactive)

CURRENT FANDOM(S): Bleach

BLEACH FANDOM(S) YOU HAVE AN AU FOR:  I have gory Bloodborne au but that one just exists in my head on my lonesome.

MY LANGUAGE(S): English and one very specific Middle Eastern dialect.

THEMES I’M INTERESTED IN FOR RP: FANTASY / Science fiction / Horror / WESTERN / ROMANCE / Thriller / MYSTERY / DYSTOPIA / ADVENTURE / MODERN / Erotic / Crime / MYTHOLOGY / Classic / HISTORY / RENAISSANCE / MEDIEVAL / Ancient / WAR / FAMILY / POLITICS / RELIGION / SCHOOL / ADULTHOOD / CHILDHOOD / APOCALYPTIC / GODS / Sport / MUSIC / Science / FIGHTS / ANGST / Smut / DRAMA / etc. 

PREFERRED THREAD LENGTH: one-liner / 1 para / 2 PARA / 3+ / NOVELLA.

ASKS CAN BE SEND BY: MUTUALS / NON-MUTUALS / PERSONALS / ANONS.

CAN ASKS BE CONTINUED?:   YES / NO    only by Mutuals?:  YES / NO.

PREFERRED THREAD TYPE: CRACK / casual nothing too deep / SERIOUS / DEEP AS HECK. (i love it all sorry I am quite the mixed bag lmao)

IS REALISM / RESEARCH IMPORTANT FOR YOU IN CERTAIN THEMES?:   YES / NO. i gotta know what certain human body parts taste like u know

ARE YOU ATM OPEN FOR NEW PLOTS?:  YES / NO / DEPENDS.

DO YOU HANDLE YOUR DRAFT / ASK - COUNT WELL?:  YES / NO / SOMEWHAT. it’s SO BAD FOR ME RN ASGLDKJDJKA i’m very inconsistent i’m so sorry.

HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY TAKE TO REPLY?: 24H / 1 WEEK / 2 WEEKS / 3+ / months / years. / a lot of it has more to do w my general writing mood and if the thread im writing catches my interest, and rn im writing a TON of really wonderful and fascinating threads so they’re all super captivating for me and i try to reply asap

I’M OKAY WITH INTERACTING: ORIGINAL CHARACTERS / a relative of my character (an oc) / duplicates / MY FANDOM / CROSSOVERS / MULTI-MUSES / self-inserts / people with no AU verse for my fandom / CANON-DIVERGENT PORTRAYALS / AU-VERSIONS.

DO YOU POST MORE IC OR OOC?: IC / OOC. (i have a lot of stupid shit sorry) 

ARE YOU SELECTIVE WITH FOLLOWING OTHERS?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.  

BEST WAYS TO APPROACH YOU FOR RP/PLOTTING: just send me a tumblr instant message, i know it sucks shit but im not comfy releasing my discord w everyone just yet cause i use it for personal use as well. i check tumblr on the daily so if you send me a message chances are i’ll see it and respond!

WHAT EXPECTATIONS DO YOU HOLD TOWARDS YOUR PLOTTING PARTNER:  i guess just be able to put up with my rambling and stopping and starting, a lot of characterisation choices i do go through various stages and its pretty messy so when i communicate that with others it usually ends up equally messy. just be patient with me please.

WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PLOTTING IS RATHER ONE-SIDED, WHAT DO YOU DO?:  i don’t mind! sometimes ppl have more ideas that they want to share first and i’m always super happy to listen to those ideas !! sometimes its nice to have someone with a clear guide or structure and be able to work around that rather than trying to fumble through a plot together.

HOW DO YOU USUALLY PLOT WITH OTHERS, DO YOU GIVE INPUT OR LEAVE MOST WORK TOWARDS YOUR PARTNER?:  i try to map out some basic info abt their characters that i otherwise don’t know from their bio or verses and try to pick out points of confrontation or similarities to expand on with giselle that can be used as points for like a starter to happen. its either that or sometimes i have really stupid ideas i just toss out there like ‘LMAO THEYRE BREAKING SHIT AT DISNEYLAND’ and go buck wild from there if the other person is down. i also always try to warn people or get a gauge for what subjects to avoid and steer clear of considering that giselle is a bit of a Freak(tm) and will say and do bad things.

WHEN A PARTNER DROPS THE THREAD, DO YOU WISH TO KNOW?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. - And why?: if there’s something giselle did or said that upset you, i would love to know not to repeat it again (since i do still feel pretty new to the rp game, theres still plenty of time for me to make stupid mistakes). if its just a general lack of interest or uncertainty of where the plot should go, then you dont have to tell me i wont take it personally i promise ! 

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY LEAD YOU TO DROP A THREAD?: sometimes i can be made uncomfortable by certain things mentioned... it happens but its rare 

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR PARTNER?:   YES / NO / DEPENDS. i don’t want to upset anyone personally and sometimes explaining the ins and outs of my discomfort make things ten times worse so i just. would rather not.

IS COMMUNICATION IN THE RPC IMPORTANT TO YOU? YES / NO.

- AND WHY?: i am the most nervous person you can meet and my brain is always giving me misinfo abt paranoia and random shit so i having clear concrete communication between two parties abt if something is going wrong or is being received poorly means the world to me.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH ABSOLUTE HONESTY, EVEN IF IT MAY MEANS HEARING SOMETHING NEGA1TIVE ABOUT YOU AND/OR PORTRAYAL?: i need it !! i still feel relatively new to all this and i need to know whats going wrong to improve !! 

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE SUCH SITUATION IN A MATURE WAY? YES / NO.

WHY DO YOU RP AGAIN, IS THERE A GOAL?: to help with my confidence in writing! i have v bad anxiety when it comes to sharing my works and i write a lot of other pieces alongside this blog on ao3 and i want to develop my writing skills just in general. when it comes to like the nuts and bolts of why i rp giselle specifically, its mainly to just have fun and have a laugh w my friends who are really awesome quincy writers

WISHLIST, BE IT PLOTS OR SCENARIOS:  OH SO MANY! ive managed to fulfil a lot of my wishlist threads with like, giselle talking to characters she’s already zombified and i love all that angst but i want to do more stupid shit. i want to make it my personal goal to bully every quincy man and woman on sight. although a REAL dream would be if i got to write a thread zombifying a character who managed to escape giselle’s clutches. and more fighting! i want to get better at describing action and fights and i love to write giselle getting beat up and beating people up! more more more!! 

THEMES I WON’T EVER RP / EXPLORE:   hohoho theres a LOT... uh r*pe/dubcon threads for one, even if yeah i know writing it doesnt condone it, it makes me intensely uncomfortable to put my muse in that scenario, i feel like i have an obligation to like, protect her from that shit you know? racism is one i don’t want to transgress, even though i’m a poc, its not really cathartic or groundbreaking to write abt racism in threads its just... really fucking upsetting. also i know the quincy’s have this very close parallel to the whole n*zi imagery and ideology thing going on and i am not about to start even daring to thread that into my writing or bring those allusions and references of real life tragedies into giselle’s threads. i’ve already talked at length abt exploring giselles trans identity in rp and why im not comfortable doing so, so.... yeah! all those i guess.

WHAT TYPE OF STARTERS DO YOU PREFER / DISLIKE, CAN’T WORK WITH?: i like starters where giselle can just immediately get right into being a piece of shit. mise en scene and all that! cut out the build up and just get to the intense horror !! i don’t like starters where its not immediately clear where the characters are standing and what they’re doing and what’s happening around them. those really disorientate me and leave me kinda floundering because i always need some allusion or mention of a setting to ground giselle in a time and place other wise i cant tell what her response should be

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE MOST?:  EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN EVIL WOMEN. also just characters i can wholeheartedly clown on, or also characters who have hidden depths to them and have a single panel of screentime. honestly it’s just all over the place!

WHAT TYPE OF CHARACTERS CATCH YOUR INTEREST THE LEAST?:  angry old men GSADJDKSJA i could never rp yhwach for example or yamamoto because idk. theyre just so crummy and boring to me. i also couldnt rp characters who always have an upper hand in battle like aizen. i like my dumbasses and i like them stupid and adaptive not just, ‘yes i know this because i Know this.’

WHAT ARE YOUR STRONG ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: i think im nice...? FKSJDKDJSA idk i hate trying to toot my own horn. sometimes i also think i make funny jokes and im pretty chill and laid back

WHAT ARE YOUR WEAK ASPECTS AS RP PARTNER?: my writing style is inconsistent and adapts to whatever i’m reading so sometimes it’ll be really good and i love it and other times it reads like really bad fanfic and i get carried away far too easily and write novella lengths for threads which should be much shorter. i also get shy a lot and dont think i communicate very effectively but HEYO we’re working on it!

DO YOU RP SMUT?:  YES / NO/ DEPENDS. haven’t had anybody brave enough to try yet lol

DO YOU PREFER TO GO INTO DETAIL?: YES / NO / DEPENDS.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH BLACK CURTAIN?: YES / NO.

- WHEN DO YOU RP SMUT? MORE OUT OF FUN OR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT?: more for fun i’d imagine because that’s just giselles own attitude to sex and relationships where she doesnt want anything deep. it might show character development in one way of just showing how she regards others in a romantic sense to be used rather than actually appreciated as their own person and show how selfish she is but yeah, more out of fun

- ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT TO RP THERE?:  theres a few kinks and such but i dont think they’d ever really come up. again, just mainly no r*pe/dubcon.

ARE SHIPS IMPORTANT TO YOU?:   YES / NO lets hope this doesn’t make me sound like an asshole, but its more like a fun little side thing than anything important to giselle’s actual development and characterisation. 

WOULD YOU SAY YOUR BLOG IS SHIP-FOCUSED?: YES / NO. again, hardly anyone is brave enough to try to romance this evil cannibal.

DO YOU USE READ MORE?:  YES / NO / SOMETIMES WHEN I WRITE LONG STUFF.

ARE YOU:  MULTI-SHIP / Single-Ship / Dual-Ship  —  MULTIVERSE / Singleverse.

- WHAT DO YOU LOVE TO EXPLORE THE MOST IN YOUR SHIPS?: more how giselle likes to give over her power or dominate in different circumstances depending on who she’s with and what’s being done. BUT AGAIN, not a whole lot to explore yet.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PRE-ESTABLISHED RELATIONSHIPS?: YES / NO. - i mean im down for p much anything if it vibes w giselle.

► SECTION ABOUT YOUR MUSE.

- WHAT COULD POSSIBLY MAKE YOUR MUSE INTERESTING TOWARDS OTHERS, WHY SHOULD THEY RP WITH THIS PARTICULAR CHARACTER OF YOURS NOW, WHAT POSSIBLE PLOTS DO THEY OFFER?: if you want an evil woman to taunt and mock and hurt your muse, she’s your gal. you want her to zombify and ruin your muse, shes also your gal. you want her to insult and maim and injure, she’s also YOUR GAL. basically, if you want to do anything fucked up or sad or scary, she can help with that.

- WITH WHAT TYPE OF MUSES DO YOU USUALLY STRUGGLE TO RP WITH?:  uh muses who get really angry quickly or don’t rise or respond to her jabs and are just kinda like a flatline. theres only so much pestering and annoying she can do until realises its not working and just wanders off

- WHAT DO THEY DESIRE, IS THEIR GOAL?:  to find a goal worth living for.

- WHAT CATCHES THEIR INTEREST FIRST WHEN MEETING SOMEONE NEW?:  appearance she always takes an interest in girls almost right away. age as well because she judges old people. 

- WHAT DO THEY VALUE IN A PERSON?:  a good set of guts to ruin and strong muscles.

- WHAT THEMES DO THEY LIKE TALKING ABOUT?:  women, gore, murder, herself, music, stupid memes, gossip.

- WHICH THEMES BORE THEM?:  politics, history, quincy ideology, soul reaper ideology, hollow physiology.

- DID THEY EVER WENT THROUGH SOMETHING TRAUMATIC?:  her family tried to force the burden of upholding the quincy lineage onto her shoulders, she was thrown into the wrong prison and held in isolation, then pressured to become an undying monster in service of a god and then was nearly killed by that same man and left wandering without guidance or purpose. so, yeah?

- WHAT COULD LEAD TO AN INSTANT KILL?:  transphobia. even a whiff of it in her direction and she’ll gut you like a fish.

- IS THERE SOMEONE /-THING THEY HATE?:  the twink soul reaper who outted her.

IS YOUR MUSE EASY TO APPROACH?: YES / NO. - Best ways to approach them?:  if you’re smart, you’ll bring a big bone for her to chew on and distract her while you ask whatever you want.

SOMETHING YOU MAY STILL WANT TO POINT OUT ABOUT YOUR MUSE?: i love my evil queen!

CONGRATS!!! You managed it, now tag your mutuals! ♥

Tagged by:  @bazzardburner​ cheers chicken boy !!

Tagging: @hyouketsu​ @blooming5th​ @viciousvizard​ @glacies-tempestatem​ and whoever else wishes to do this!!

[kae-karo]

Hi this is kinda silly because I know it isnt true but I just feel so broken. Im on the asexual spectrum and I just feel like the world isnt really designed for how I feel. Tv shows and movies just make being a young adult seem all about relationships and sex, and yeah I want a relationship and I think I would be a great girlfriend but I cant imagine anyone wanting me because of the asexuality and it just hurts my heart. Do you have any advice/words to tell my brain so it stops the negativity?

okay hi dear first and foremost let me say what i wish someone had said to me when i was younger and in the same boat as you: there is nothing wrong with you, you are not broken, you are a lovely and wonderful human being and the world would not be the same without you. you have so much love in your heart, i can tell literally just by this ask, and there are undoubtedly so many people you’ve already met who are so lucky to have you and so many more who haven’t met you yet

media is rough bc you’re very right, there’s a lot out there saying that being a young adult means you should be this way and do these things and act like this and you have all these checklist items that if you haven’t done them, you aren’t really ‘living’ or whatever. it’s all bullshit. everyone’s experiences are different, especially as a young person, and it’s so so so okay not to have sex for whatever fucking reason - your sexuality, your comfort level with sex/exploring sexual things, other priorities in your life, etc etc etc

i know this is like. a weird niche thing to say, but i read this book when i was younger and maybe i ought to pick it up again but it stood out to me as being really different bc it was one of the only books i read (and still have read, to this day - mind you, i own 400+ books and have read many more than that) that focused on the narrative of a teenage girl on a quest who never, not once, ended up in a relationship. nothing about the story had anything to do with her being in a relationship or sex or anything. it was just...really eye opening that a piece of media could be like that and still be so captivating, bc up to that point, media had taught me that it had to be about relationships. the book is called poison by chris wooding and i recommend it

that being said i’m so painfully aware that there’s a massive focus on sex and relationships in the media and that can be really hard to get around? and to see every single day and think ‘that’s what it’s supposed to be like’? but the reality is there are so many things in life worth exploring, sex and relationships just happen to be the thing that producers find the most versatile and dramatic and, in some cases, relatable. but that’s not true of everyone, and i wish we had more media that catered to young adults while not making everything about sex/relationships

but the big picture here is that there isn’t anything wrong with you. there’s so so so much wrong with media and how it portrays things. what i try to do, when i’m watching something or reading something, is just go ‘okay this is interesting to me bc i like to know things, i like to understand other peoples’ experiences’, and it puts it in a different frame of mind for me: instead of trying to relate to the story and feeling like i somehow fall short, i acknowledge that the story isn’t something i can relate to - and that’s okay, because i like some other aspect of the story - and it sort of opens me up to enjoy it more?

now, that’s a band-aid for a gash, but it does the trick and i do have a good time enjoying lots of different media (not all of it tho dude some of that stuff is just absurd)

okay enough katie ranting abt inaccurate portrayals in media, onto the bigger thing here: relationships

honestly? that’s a fear i have as well. which is silly bc the reality is that someone who genuinely loves you for who you are will, well, genuinely love you for who you are, including the fact that you’re on the ace spectrum. i won’t say i have a ton of dating experience to comment on this, but it’s hard to know for sure what people will think about you if you never try. if being in a relationship is something you feel is genuinely important to you right now - and maybe it is, and maybe it isn’t! that’s okay either way! - then give it a shot. but don’t feel like you have to try to find a person to date just because media says that’s what you’re supposed to do, cause i promise that’ll only make you feel worse. do what feels right for you, that’s the thing that matters most

you’re a lovely person with a whole amazing and fulfilling life ahead of you, there is so much more to you than filling a narrative from a tv show that says you’re supposed to have sex or be in a relationship. focus on the things that genuinely interest you, and you’ll find good things and good people along the way. please never think there’s something wrong with you

as a quick aside: if you’re at all into phanfics, these are two (x,x) i’ve read and absolutely adored that deal with ace-spectrum phil and are really comforting and just genuinely good stories

[charlyoddsox27]

its 6am, i havent slept, im bored, so im posting a list of the mercs in order of whom i like the most and reasons why, because thats something i should do i guess?

here goes

(spoilers for the comics down below but either way i think im the only person on earth who has never read them before now)

~~~

~~1. Medic~~

reasons for being my favourite:

• fucking. look. at. him. 👌

• 'mad german doctor' is one of my favourite tropes and he is a pretty bang-on satirical depiction of it

• cute-ass german accent

• he has pet pidgeons hE LOVES HIS PIDGEON PALS THEY KEEP HIM COMPANY

• healers are the most respectable class imo and since Medic pretty much started it he's automatically the best, thats how it works right?

• he sold some random persons soul to satan in exchange for a ***ballpoint pen*** and can i just say, fucking mood??? (he is literally the "i'd sell you to satan for one cornchip" meme)

• "yes, Archimedes...I couldn't agree more." *shudders* b oi .. .

• so many more reasons to love this gross old doctor so little room in Tumblrs posts.

~~2. Spy~~

reasons for being my second favourite:

• cranky, done with everyones shit, just wants to be left alone, fucking mood

• he's a spy i mean c'mon. look at the swanky-ass suit, look at the class radiating from this asshole.

• he may be a dick but he has a soft side he's just too jaded to show it most of the time (see: Scouts death in the comics?? real tears. honestly wish they'd panned that out more.)

• masks are hot tbFH--

• he enjoys a nice glass of whisky by the fireplace and so do i (fun fact: france is the biggest importer of scottish whisky in the world so its a nice touch)

• shapeshifting is fucking cool are you serious like he can just. do that. what a legend

• "i have a cyanide pill in one of my molars, if i break it then spit some in your mouth before i die, we can avoid being tortured." *'heavy' bursts in to save them* "PFFTHBTHF--"

• "SEDUCE ME."

• arrogant frenchman is one of my other favourite tropes and this is the most arrogant frenchman ive ever seen

• he's the only fully sane Merc, maybe apart from Engie.

• people love to hate him bc he's an asshole but...come on. after working with all those other weirdos for years, you'd be pretty jaded too.

• as a gross shipper, he's the easiest and the most fun (imo) to ship with Medic (rip me)

~~3. Pyro~~

reasons for being my third favourite:

• would have tied with Soldier if it werent for that one picture of them in the comics holding a puppy over their head with the most adoring expression on their mask??? good Pyro. goodest Pyro.

• doesn't do much in the comics but makes up for it in pure charm. look at that soulless face and tell me you dont love it.

• ambiguous gender ambiguous gender amBIGUOUS GENDER AMBIGUOUS GENDER. she/he/they? trans? nb? whatever you headcanon, it'll never be confirmed so its literally up to your own imagination. fucking ace, Valve 👌👌👌

• likes to burn things. god damnit. they like to burn things, guys. but they enjoy it so much, you just cant hate them, you can only feel a sympathetic joy that this precious lunatic is having fun in their own little world.

• canonically mentally ill (schizoprenia? it could be hallucinogenic drugs but i like to think its schizophrenia.)

• pretty sure they burned a pair of pedophiles in the comics. at least i think thats what those panels were insinuating. "lets open an orphanage and have an endless supply of kids to--" sounds pretty red-flaggy to me tbh. plus they were the villains so, eh?

• bludgeoned a bear to death until its skull was pulp because it insulted their special interest. you go, Pyro.

• for a few bits in the comics they have a really cute family dynamic going on with other Mercs, Soldier for example."Miss Pauling, Pyros on my side of the car." "Miss Pauling, Pyro cut off my hand." fuckin' cuties.

• when they start putting on like 50 shirts to keep warm in the Russian mountains. chubby.

• a gas mask that can function as both badass, and completely adorable.

• just. everything about them. how could you not love them. they're not in the wrong, you are. stay away from my misunderstood child and let them burn things god damnit.

~~4. Soldier~~

look I'm sorry, I love Soldier and he was gonna be tied with Pyro but that fucking puppy drawing sold me.

• absolute gold every second he speaks. he could sneeze and i'll laugh.

• such a dumbass you cant get annoyed at him for it. like. just agree with him and move on. no point reasoning with a boulder. "haha! silly Miss Pauling, thinking theres different types of blood." Medic: "haha yes! indeed, silly."

• HUTTAH *NECK SNAP*

• i'm not American and even i can see how blatantly his character mocks stereotypical Patriotic Americans™. but its so dumb and laughable, its adorable.

• EVERYTHING ABOUT HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ZHANNA IS A BLESSING. EVERYTHING.

• the first "meet the Mercs" video i ever saw was "meet the Soldier" so he holds a special place in my heart

• (preaches about experiencing the horrors of war; has never actually been to war. shh dont tell anyone though--) *neck gets snapped*

~~5. Demoman~~

• I'm Scottish. even though his accent is absolute garbage (no offense to the VA), any representation is very nice.

• Black AND Scottish?? i mean has a character like that even existed before TF2??? amazing example of representation right there. there are barely even any black people in Scotland, how did this happen. I love it. more of this, please.

• he's a drunk guy who blows shit up for shits and giggles and god I wish I could too, sounds like a miracle stress-reliever.

• his sassy black scottish mother. combining the stereotypical black mother with the stereotypical scottish mother is literally the best thing that ever happened.

• the bit in the comic where Medic explains that Demo can't remember what happened to his eye bc he scooped out part of his brain, and the look on Demo's face. just. the look.

• again, he's scottish, he's stereotypical, and he's awesome.

~~6. Sniper~~

• underrated

• piss jars. piss jars everywhere.

• "no dad, im not a crazed murdering lunatic, I'm an assassin. ...well one's a job and the other's mental sickness!!"

• "meet the Sniper" has kickass music

• ruffled gross old man who isn't actually old, he's just seen some SHIT

• actually given development in the comics + some really good scenes with Spy.

• so suave...so...handsome. handsome ruffled bushman. me like.

• he dies first in the comics but gets brought back and gets a cool-ass scar. and then he's just walking around naked everywhere for the rest of the comic. Medic, where the fuck did you put his clothes.

• isn't actually Australian. thats like one of the biggest twists in the comic. "no wonder i was never inhumanly strong and my chest hair didn't grow into the shape of Australia!!" Classic.

• says "bugger" a lot and i love that word

• he needs a hug, let me hug him. and give him a bath.

~~7. Heavy~~

I'm gonna be crucified for putting the big lad so low but i promise i dont dislike any of the Mercs. he'd be higher up but...ive never really liked big huge tank-men tbh :/

• loveable as fuck

• will murder you if you bully his puny little Medic

• i looove Russian accents omfg

• he like big gun. i can respect that.

• when Medic was killed and he went APESHIT on Classic!Heavy and I lost my fuckin' mind over that shit

• he probably has a soft spot for small cute animals. i love imagining him being swarmed by Medics flock of doves and petting them like "good bird...so many good bird..."

• actually smarter than people give him credit for???

• i really really wish his character was a lil more fleshed out but. that's just me. i love him but he doesn't have the same appeal to me as Medic or Spy.

• his entire relationship with Medic...ugh. yes. best friends and/or boyfriends. all good to me 👌

• he named his gun Sasha and that's adorable

~~8. Engineer~~

• gOD, FUCK, I REALLY WISH HE DID MORE IN THE COMICS. i barely know anything about his character. i like him a lot but...god, he...he doesn't...do.....anything.......

• he built a cool robot arm for himself and AI turrets and teleporter machines and guns that fire magic healing powers and immortality machines, in the 1960s. what. some kind of wizard fuckery is this.

• smoothest voice in the west

• "y'all"

~~9. Scout~~

oh god i really am gonna be crucified. i dont hate him i just. like him the least.

• shitboy

• reminds me of a shitty ex but also kinda relateable in a way

• some genuinely funny bits in the shorts.

• gross horny hetero teen boy with a god complex and serious daddy issues. also, he can't read. the "sex bom" tattoo on his chest will be an eternal testament to that. nice job, Spy. you raised him good.

~~~

hoo boy there we go theres all the boys, all the beautiful boys (and Scout) in order of how much i love them. if i made any errors in my info about the canon, feel free to send me death threats 💙 (no seriously tell me though, being a newbie is embarrassing)

so uh. yeah. that took two hours to write. its now 8am. im still bored lol. bye i guess.

[420710ge-blog]

my first entry

all of these entries will be more or less stream of consciousness

Im watching queer eye. SO I felt like writing a blog and starting a blog bc im emotional and severely depressed. ( if the fab 5 could re vamp me and my life omg)

I'm trying to grasp this concept that i am 28 years old

and i STILL have no idea who the fuck I am or what the fuck am i gonna do.

what i do know is I am a single. I am straight-ish haha (no one is straight these days eff lables and gender norms) I live in a basement. The neighborhood I live in isnt the best in my opinion for me. I know I enjoy cities and hustle and bustle and noise. this area is not where i want to spend a long period of time in. I have my drivers license but dont have a car. I'm on a fixed income. I am very very poor. I've been struggling with money my whole life. My mother was struggling with money and work my whole childhood ive come to learn. i feel like my mom maybe didn't give me all the right tools i needed to make it in this world.

I'm not a good cook, but i enjoy cooking and wish I was good. I eat very unhealthy. I dont know how to shop for groceries or clothes. i eat fast food,microwaves meals and snacks, cheese and crackers, cereal, deli sandwhiches, pb & j, fruit snacks, ice tea, juice and water. (thats basically it unless i go out to eat which is bad bc i have no money for it.)

i cannot grasp the concept of money i dont know how to budget or balance a check book or keep track of spending. i need to put money a side and save and i just cant seem to do it. The money is always being used. i feel like im always in debt or owing money that i never get in front of this wave to start earning actual income every dollar i make is always spoken for and the $1 to 80 dollars that i actually get left over is for cleaning supplies hair products medication condoms tampons pads basically things i need. and im honest in saying i do spend money on food and great craft beer bc its my way of treating myself for actually making a payment or actually getting out of bed, for going hungry for a few days or for having a good mental health day.

My hobbies include filling out job applications, fighting with doctors and secretaries, bill collectors debt collect companies and creditors, watching youtube videos, vloggers and youtubers on my phone and my freinds old old laptop the basement has pretty difficult internet connection and it is freezing cold but other than that its nice it works its a place to sleep and shelter, other hobbies are watching movies and tv, and lastly SLEEP. i sleep 10-14 hours most days or i go 2 days without sleep. i am always over sleeping or i just cant turn my brain and stress and anxiety off just to shut my eyes and sleep. I almost never talk with friends or see other people or go out and hang with friends. the only times i do go out is if someone offers to pay for me or otherwise i cant.

i am addicted to social media. i cant go for more than 15 seconds without checking instrgram or snap chat or youtube or facebook. i can easily spend 11 hours going back and forth between those 4 sites. it is very bad for my mental health and its stunted my success bc i cant help but compare myself. and its vicious negative cycle that i cant seem to break.

i have to walk or use uber or lyft or public transit to get around which gets very expensive over time. walking and being out waiting for the bus or train is very triggering for my mental health. People who are fortunate to have the luxury to own or lease a car please realize the people who cannot afford a car or cannot drive for whatever reason are not second class citizens. People and humans are very nasty and rude and more terrible than youd imagine. having to walk everywhere and be in with the public as much as i have turns you into a cynical abrasive aggresive hateful and rageful person. for example a few weeks ago a car turned on the street that i was walking on and the walk sign was lit and he had a yellow switching to a red, her turned quickly to beat the light that he didnt see me or the walk sign and was inches away from me so i ran after his car and punched the shit out of the passenger window. i spazed out like that bc i had a week of walking in the freezing cold (and living in a super cold place) being rained on and splashed by the puddles being ran thru by cars, teenagers on busses making fun of me throwing things at me, people in cars yelling shit at me and the others standing at a bus bc we dont have a car and we have to wait in the cold assuming that we were all bums or homeless.

I am not happy or passionate about things i use to be obsessed with. I grew up loving comedy. stand up sketch improv.

i use to perform. i would go see it all the time it meant the world to me it is what i wanted t0 do with my life.

but now I dont and i think its was stupid. and a waste of time. same with college it was a waste of time and money to get a degree in something i have no passion about anymore. and a degree in something in which there are no jobs for you.it was terrible decision i made. one of the billions of terrible decisions i ahve made in my life

I have zero self confidence and i barely care what my appearance looks like anymore. i glance in mirrors but never really look at myself. I dont look people in the eyes anymore. I think so hard about what i am saying for i say that it comes out more often that not weird or incorrect bc i am so worried about what others are thinking about me so then that leads to me getting made fun of for how i talk or how i say things. I am always the butt of my friends jokes im always being poked fun at or pranked or messed with.

I dress like 15 year old skate kid. i have nothing that is appropriate for like an office or an audition  or job interview or business meeting or family event or a formal event or cocktail party. i dont know how to dress for my age or for my gender. 

I am super lazy and messy but i have been working on it.

i use cannabis recreationally not everyday but definitely multiple times a week. when i can afford it. it helps clear my head and use the same way a person uses a nice glass of wine at the end of a long day. i dont think its wrong or inhibiting me as a person. sometimes it even helps with motivation and helps get me out of a depressive funk.

I am severely depressed and have an anxiety disorder.

I over think about everything. i make plans and lists for every scenario that i am going to encounter on a daily basis its almost obsessive. my train of thought before entering a conversation with anyone is “do not say anything weird dont look at them for to long, dont fidget, omg what are they thining about when they are looking at me, am i ugly and i coming off as weird or immature or nervous.” 

I lost alot of very important people in my life bc of death or from people and friends and family just cutting me off and people to live the rest of their lives without me. it makes me judge and hate everyone.

I am constantly worried that i am gonna become homeless live on the streets and become a junkie. I actually think about this so so so much. i actually shocked from what i have been thru that i havent become a junkie yet.

I dont want what most white women in their late twenties want and crave. i dont relate or most girls in my age range. its hard for me to find things in common with my peers.

I dont want to buy or own a house. renting forever is fine by me

I do want to buy and own a car preferably a truck but a small suv could work too.

I dont want a family. I dont want children my own or adoptive. I dont want to live in the suburbs or in a neighborhood with tons or old people and families.

i dont want marriage i think its problematic and dumb thing to subject yourself to.

i enjoy soccer and skateboarding and true crime movies and tv shows and horror movies and tv shows.i like some funny things but its selective. i love the sims.

i want to try out living in other states in the us and maybe even try living in the uk.

if i was rich i would want 2 small apartments in central city locations on both coasts of the us one on one and one on the other. and ill use my money to travel. i am craving to travel so badly its all i have been thinking about lately. but again no funds

i want to meet someone who just totally sweeps me off my feet. somone who knows how to be a real man and real boyfriend im tired iof these boys i need a guy who calls me out on my bs, gives constructive criticism, incredibly supportive and KIND. i want our respectfulness to be at an 100%. i want to feel worshipped and adored. i want them to be succesful and be able to bring me up and boost me forward. great listener. not sleepy or annoyed very easily. insane dark weird goofy sense of humor. id love them to be outgoing and be able to command a room and be comfortable around people new and old. great sex and adventures. currently im giving my ex a chance and its prolly a terrible idea.

i want a makeover i want to learn how to dress myself correctly and figure what my style is, make money and keep money, how to cook, how to skateboard, how to surf, how to take care of my skin and my hair. I want to learn how to work out where i wont make my current ailments and injuries and medical issues flare up and put me out of business for few days. id like to have toned arms back shoulders and legs and to not be winded dont everyday tasks.

if i had to make a dream cocktail. and the final result would be the new me i would throw in the blender: confidence of a drag queen, the wit and sharp tongue of joan rivers, the comedic timing of sean hayes, riley reids sex skills, the intelligence and maturity of michelle obama, pinks hair and singing skills, kat dennings body and dgaf attitude. that would be the perfect me in my eyes.

I want to make everyone proud of me. and I want to be proud of myself. 

idk what this was but its on the internet

-GE