#I wish Yin Yu could understand how much he actually meant to Quan Yizhen and that everything he did was worth it

[budd-ie]

“If I wasn’t destined to be perfect, I at least wanted to be perfectly kind. But…I couldn’t even manage that. It’s really…so unfair."

Yin Yu's dream of perfect kindness is yet another example of unattainable perfection. I love Yin Yu, because he really is trying to be kind to everyone. But "perfect kindness" doesn't exist in a world where other people are unkind, because there's a very small intersection between kindness and justice.

Yin Yu deliberately spends his time looking out for Quan Yizhen even though it drives him mad and only causes him problems.

He tells him not to worry even when his head is throbbing, he tells him it's fine, you didn't do anything wrong, even if everyone else is ready to kill them. Even if Yin Yu is lying, he's not really doing it just to placate him, he's doing this because he genuinely, wholeheartedly wants to believe in the words he's saying. It's not that he's unbothered, but that he wants to be unbothered. Yin Yu knows that helping Quan Yizhen is the right thing to do, so that's what he wants to emulate, and when people give him a hard time for it, he tries to placate them too. He tries to reason and rationalize every side regardless of his emotions; this is his way of trying to be fair and kind to everyone. This is easier in the sect because his peers respect him, but heaven is a little different.

Yin Yu appoints Jian Yu and Quan Yizhen as his deputy officials. We know that Jian Yu is a trusted companion despite his negative attitude, but what about Quan Yizhen? There's no way Yin Yu didn't rationalize his decision as a mix of talent, gusto, and maybe even a little spite. He recognizes Yizhen's potential and knows that helping him hone it is the right thing to do. It's the kind thing to do. Why wouldn't he want to help? Not to mention if he leaves him alone in the sect, who will vouch for him? It will only cause him problems if they aren't together, so really it's best to keep him along.

(continued under cut due to length and book 7 spoilers)

Lo and behold, inevitable problems arise and Yin Yu is under fire as well. Others show the same contempt for Yizhen as before, but the stakes are much different now. In heaven, everyone is a big shot and Yin Yu has no authority and only complimentary respect to his name. Placating the aggressor is hardly an option anymore, so all he can do is take it.

For the next section, lets look at this scene:

It also needs to be established right now that Yin Yu desperately wants to be a god, and it should also be said that a "god" really is something a little different than being a "heavenly official." This is more than a position to him, it’s a dream. Ascension for Yin Yu is proof that all his hard work is paying off, that all the headache wasn't for nothing, that he really is someone remarkable. Only...he doesn't quite feel remarkable. A god is someone who is perfect, kind and benevolent, who always does the right thing for the right reasons. A "heavenly official" is more like a white-collar worker at a corrupt high-end job stuck in meetings all day with a strict social code lest you offend another very powerful person. Everyone thinks they're hot shit just because of their title, which is especially why so many low-ranking deputy officials are so arrogant. With that, Yin Yu is aware that he isn't perfect. He hates that he gets annoyed by Yizhen when he knows there's really nothing he's doing wrong, he knows Yizhen's skills are better than his and he hates that it makes him somewhat insecure, and most of all, he hates that he hates. Yin Yu wants to be a god, kind and benevolent, skilled and perfect, but there are no true gods in this world. So instead he holds on tight to that title and does his best to just keep doing his best, even though he knows Quan Yizhen is right.

So why is perfect kindness unattainable, and why is it so frustrating?

Yin Yu is constantly trying to appease both sides. On one side is the sect and the heavenly officials who are fed up with Quan Yizhen for not following social standards and getting benefits he apparently doesn't deserve. On the other side is Quan Yizhen who holds no value in arbitrary social rituals and only fights when picked on. Despite being a trusted friend, Jian Yu doesn't help any.

Yin Yu's mitigation is always an order to "drop it" and move on with an added rationalization of Quan Yizhen's actions. In the end, Yin Yu is a logical thinker who tries to suppress his negative emotions for the sake of being kind, and thus doesn't reprimand anyone else for being unkind either, but it really doesn't work against people who don't care the way he does.

Lets look at this scene too:

"You shouldn't let others hear you talk about him like that"

This is the line that says the most about Yin Yu. As someone who's met a lot of people who weren't quite the nicest, I can say from experience that these are the words of someone who is afraid of being associated with the sentiment but doesn’t actually disagree with it. It is unkind for Jian Yu to talk about Quan Yizhen behind his back like this, especially in heaven, but Yin Yu doesn't really tell him off. Even if this kind of response is more kind to Jian Yu, it's still unkind to Quan Yizhen (even if it isn't being said to his face).

On both sides of this, there is a decision about justice, and on both sides he's too scared to make that decision lest he offend someone. So what was he supposed to do? As a relevant comparison, let's think about Xie Lian who is notorious for being kind. Kind as he was, he also stated he would defy the heavens if they should condemn him for doing what he knew was the right thing (saving hong-er). He reprimands bullies, hated his own father for his questionable values, isn't really afraid to yell or hit if he needs to, and most of all has little regard for himself or what people think of him if it means justice is granted to the righteous and innocent. He's a headache and a troublemaker in exchange for standing up for what he believes is right.

Unfortunately, Yin Yu's sense of justice isn't as strong. If he wanted to be wholly kind to Quan Yizhen, that would mean justice for him and being unkind to the other heavenly officials. To appease the heavenly officials, he would have to be unkind to Quan Yizhen. Yin Yu's passion for godhood makes him unwilling to defy the heavens and his respect for Quan Yizhen makes him unwilling to do him harm either. It is impossible to be "perfectly kind" because justice is imbalanced by this nature, and that "third path" of equality over equity can harm more than it helps. In the end, someone has to get hurt. If we really want to put it into perspective, you might even also be able to say that Quan Yizhen's sense of justice is stronger than Yin Yu's, which only makes the blow hurt more. If heaven stands for justice, he understands that heaven is unfair by nature and rejects it, where Yin Yu is still willing to uphold it, as it placates him in his own yearning to be a god. But does a kind god really have time to be kind to themself too? Gods are not all powerful, and even after ascension they remain human. All humans have unbalanced emotions, and for these limits of humanity to remain is only natural.

“Yizhen is a genius, but I’m just ordinary. I could only climb so high. I knew that. Even though I knew, I couldn’t accept it. In truth, I felt the same as Jian Yu—I was even more frustrated than he was. It’s not that I wasn’t resentful; it was impossible to be otherwise. After that incident, I could never bring myself to reflect on why I told Yizhen to die when I knew he was wearing the Brocade Immortal. Was I really just driven to madness, or did I actually want him dead?"

He wanted to choose the path to appease everyone, including himself, and he suffered for it. The frustration that overtook him really did just drive him mad, and he can't truly be blamed for it; what he wanted to achieve was impossible, after all. And although his kindness couldn't be perfect, it wasn't for nothing. After Yin Yu was banished, Quan Yizhen went to Ling Wen every day to check for news on his whereabouts and for centuries still believed in him despite it all. Even as Yin Yu dies, Quan Yizhen sobs his heart out for him, broken that there isn't more he can do for him. It's easy to shake Quan Yizhen off as an airhead comedic relief character, but Yin Yu's kindness did genuinely touch him, and he never stopped caring for him. He reminds me of Hong-er, the way Yin Yu was the only person who was nice to him, helped him, and showed him grace. Why wouldn't that be meaningful to him? Let's also remember the lantern contest banquet when Xie Lian interrupted a play that portrayed Yin Yu in a distasteful light, and the way Quan Yizhen later shoved his donation box full of gold bars in appreciation. He always looked to Yin Yu for guidance and trusted him wholeheartedly. He always wanted due justice, or at the very least respect for Yin Yu, and to find the truth about what happened that day. Even if you can't appease everyone, even if the masses don't remember your good deeds, that doesn't mean your actions were meaningless. As long as it touches one soul, you'll never truly be forgotten.

Finally, I want to look at this declaration:

"Yes, I hate him! But so what?! He’s given me so much trouble—can’t I hate him for it?! But…But I only…I only wanted to hate him. That doesn’t mean I want to hurt him."

Despite saying this, I don't believe Yin Yu ever really hated Quan Yizhen at all. He invested so much time in him because he saw what he was capable of. He lied for him to keep his spirits up so he didn't get discouraged when others shot him down. It's just that when he kept being himself, people came complaining to Yin Yu all over again. All of the frustration he was feeling wasn't because Quan Yizhen couldn't take the hint and leave him alone for an hour, its because everyone always took their anger out on him when he did anything. Yin Yu didnt hate Quan Yizhen, he hated that he couldn't be the patient and calm person he wanted to be for him. He hated that he felt so worthless despite working so hard. He hated the unfairness of it all. And if Quan Yizhen was the one at the center of it all, it's easier to summarize these negative emotions into hatred and focus it on one avoidable entity than to wallow in the hollow shell of that person he wanted to grow into one day. It was never really their fault, not either of them. The whole of it was unfair, and they both deserved better for the efforts they made.