#I wish I understood myself (looks depressingly down at my hands)

[engagemythrusters]

balgurs dape

[arya3601]

Not Broken

Cas is struggling with his sexuality and relationships. Dean helps him talk it through and figure some things out.

Read it on AO3!

Dean closed the door to the apartment cautiously. Cas had sent him some weird messages while he was at work today, and Dean was worried. He had picked up burgers on his way home to their shared apartment, hoping that giving Cas his favorite food would cheer him up.

He glanced down at his phone, re-reading the texts.

Friday 12:34pm

I wish things were different.

Friday 12:45pm

I wish I felt things I was supposed to.

 Friday 1:30pm

I wish I knew what it was that I’m supposed to feel.

 Dean couldn’t check his phone while working, Bobby would’ve shot him. He ignored the single buzz of texts until lunch time or the end of the day. He was careful to duck out if it was the consistent buzzing of a phone call, in case it was Sam or Cas, but Cas hadn’t called. He texted, and Dean was worried that his lack of response hurt Cas more than anything he might’ve said. The silence the apartment was ringing, and Dean tucked his phone away before taking a deep breath.

 He dropped his keys into the bowl by the door and walked to the kitchen area, setting the burger bag on the table. Walking to Cas’ bedroom door, he took another deep breath.

 “Cas?” he said, gently rapping on the door. “You in there, buddy?”

 There was no verbal answer, but Dean heard sheets rustling.

 “Can I come in?” Dean worriedly ran his hand through his hair at the silence that met him. Softly, he said, “Cas, please let me in. I want to make sure you’re okay, your texts… didn’t sound great.”

 Worried me out of my mind is more like it.

 “Okay,” Castiel answered, lowly. Dean would’ve missed it if he wasn’t so worried about the silence it broke.

 Dean creaked the door open slowly. The lights were off, and the room was so full of shadows in the afternoon light that it was midnight in the corners. Cas was sitting in the middle of his bed, blanket pulled up over his head like a cloak, clutched tightly at his neck so that only his face showed. His eyes were red and full of tears. He looked heartbroken. He looked pathetic.

 Dean felt his heart freeze. “Oh, oh, no, buddy.” He walked to the bed and sat gently, pulling Cas into his arms. Cas collapsed against his chest, grabbing Dean’s shirt and dissolving back into dry sobs. Dean gently ran his hand through Cas’ hair like Dean’s mother used to do to him when he was upset. “It’s okay, Castiel, you’ll be okay,” he murmured what he hoped were comforting phrases as Cas calmed down. After a few minutes, Cas took a few shaky breaths, obviously trying to get ahold of himself.

 He must’ve cried himself out earlier, Dean sadly recognized, hand still gently combing Cas’ messy curls. Why didn’t he call me? I would’ve come home as soon as I could.

 He could feel Cas’ uneven breaths on his collarbone and trembling hands on his shirt. “Hey, buddy,” he said softly. “What’s wrong?”

 Cas let out an ugly sound. It was like a laugh that had been twisted, humor turned to ironic sadness, and pierced through with self-loathing. “Me,” he said, voice thick with snot and bitterness. “I’m wrong.”

 Dean’s frozen heart cracked. “No, no,” he said, hand moving from Cas’ hair to rub comforting circles on his back. “You know that’s not true. You’re not wrong. You’re not broken. Being ace is nothing to be ashamed of.”

 This had happened before. Not this exact scenario, but the feelings behind it. Cas, feeling broken or ashamed of his sexuality. It hurt Dean like a knife every time, to have one of the most important people in his world so distraught, but he never admitted it to anyone. Cas was going through enough with his own emotions, he didn’t need Dean’s thrown into the mix.

 Cas nodded, rubbing his hair against the bottom of Dean’s chin. “I know.” He said, the words sounding rehearsed, repeated so often that they were worn smooth from use, every pit and bump of feeling eroded away. “It’s not just that.” His voice wasn’t any better.

 “What is it?” Dean continued to rub circles, cracks spiderwebbing their way through his heart. What if it’s something I can’t help with? What if Cas is actually sick? He pushed dark thoughts out of his mind, unwilling to even passingly think about life without Cas.

  After a few moments of silence, Castiel whispered. “Have I ever told you when I realized I was asexual?”

 Dean just shook his head, Cas’ hair tickling his chin again, the moment seeming too fragile for words.

 Cas took a deep breath that Dean could feel with the hand still on his back, shaky and uncertain.

“You know I was raised in a very Christian household. We never talked about sex. Some of my friends would tell me about dirty jokes their parents would tell them or things like that, and I was incredibly uncomfortable with the thought of ever even mentioning sex to my parents.”

 Dean winced, imaging a teenage Cas trying to broach the topic with strict, tight-laced Naomi.

 “We never talked about relationships.” Cas continued, voice weak. “Just the usual ‘You’re going to find a nice girl someday’ and ‘One day, when you have a family of your own…’ kind of things. I didn’t know people were gay.” Cas snorted wetly. “I didn’t even think about the possibility. I didn’t know about any sexuality other than ‘straight’. I didn’t even know it was called ‘straight’; it was just the way things were. The way people were. Man and wife, boy meets girl, and so on.”

 “I didn’t feel sexual attraction to girls, but I thought that it might come later. My parents didn’t talk about what it I was supposed to be feeling, or that I was supposed to be feeling anything at all. I just didn’t think about it.” Cas’ voice dropped to a whisper, almost as if he was ashamed of admitting it. Dean moved his hand off of Cas’ back, wrapping it around Cas and simply holding him. Trying to shield him from all the pain he could.

 Another shuddering breath. “Then I made a tumblr account. Anna had one and would always send me posts that made me laugh, so I wanted my own account. The first thing I noticed was all the swearing.” Castiel laughed to himself, but it still sounded just this side of wrong.

 “We never cussed at home. We weren’t allowed to say ‘Oh my gosh’ because my mother thought it was too close to ‘Oh my God’ and would not allow us to take the Lord’s name in vain. Yet here, there were f-words everywhere. It was shocking at first, but then I found myself enjoying it. I thought it was funny. It felt freeing to read all these curse words without my mother knowing, a small rebellion right under her nose.” Dean felt Cas’ small smile against his collarbone and pressed a kiss into his hair, just light enough that Cas wouldn’t know exactly what had happened.

 “I learned about homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality. My world wasn’t just one option any longer, there were so many more things I could be. I started wondering which one I was, now that I had more to choose from than just heterosexuality.”

 Cas’ smile melted away. His voice roughened, growing closer to tears. “But none of them fit. I knew I didn’t feel sexual attraction to other boys, so I wasn’t homosexual or pansexual. But, thinking about it, I realized that I didn’t feel sexual attraction at all. I never quite understood what the kids at school meant when they called celebrities ‘hot’. I recognized that they were pretty, from an aesthetic standpoint, but they didn’t make me feel anything past that.”

 Dean remembered that time in Cas’ life. He remembered the many breakdowns he helped Cas through. He remembered the tears that splashed his chest, the words that were said so often they left a stale taste in his mouth, the red-hot anger he felt to anyone that made Cas feel this way.

 “I thought I was broken.” Cas admitted quietly. As if saying them any louder would make them the truth. “I thought I must have just not known what I was feeling, maybe I did feel sexual attraction but was calling it something else. I thought so... many…things.” He breathed out every word like a punch, and Dean felt every hit like a blow to the gut. “I was confused, I was scared, I was lost. I felt so lonely.” Dean felt a single tear land on his collar, and held Cas just that much tighter.

 “Then I found a post mentioning asexuality.” Cas’ voice was no more than a whisper, each word breathed out more than spoken. “A single, small post, months after making my account. I was confused all over again. My face felt hot, my breath sped up, my heart pounded. There was a word for a people who didn’t feel sexual attraction. There was a word for people like me. There was a word for me.” He leaned back, Dean’s arms resisting. Dean moved his hands to Cas’ upper arms, rubbing soothingly. Cas looked into Dean’s eyes, eyelashes stuck together with tears.

 His voice grew stronger. “I researched all I could, going to every site I could find about asexuality, reading every post, every article. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t broken.” His voice broke, and with it Dean felt the cracks in his heart deepen.

 Castiel gave him a watery smile. “I know that. I know I shouldn’t feel ashamed. I shouldn’t feel wrong.” He shrugged, depressingly humorous, “But sometimes I do.”

 Dean opened his mouth to comfort him, but Cas shook his head before he could get a word out. He closed his mouth slowly, lowering his hands to his knees.

 “That’s not what this is about.” Castiel admitted. He looked down at his knees, hands resting limply on the bedspread.

 Dean decided to slip off his boots, turning to fully face Cas, bringing up his feet to sit cross-legged on the bed. “What is this about?” He tried to sound gentle.

 “Charlie sends me fanfiction.” They both half-smiled at the mention of the excitable redhead. “For different fandoms, that’s not really the point.” He waved his hand dismissively.

 Well, at least he’s acting better. Dean thought, cautiously optimistic.

 Castiel continued, voice dropping. “They’re always shipping fics, and they’re always so well written. And…” he was whispering again, “It makes me lonely.”

 Dean dipped his head to catch Castiel’s eye. “Why?”

 Cas shook his head, lashes wet again. “It’s just… reading about all these happy couples. I want to do that.”

 “Do what?”

“Be in a couple. Have someone. Have someone to cuddle with, to hold while we sleep.” He gave a wry smile. “To hold me while we sleep. To do gross, disgusting couple-y stuff with. I want to be half of a gross, disgusting couple.”

 Dean tried not to scrunch his eyebrows in confusion. “Being ace doesn’t mean you can’t do that stuff. You can still be in a healthy, gross, disgusting relationship.” He gave Cas a small smile.

 Cas just shook his head. “Yes, I can, but I… can’t. I don’t know how. I don’t know who to ask to go on a date because I don’t feel that sexual attraction most people act on. Should I ask someone because they’re nice? Should I ask someone because I like their hair?” His voice grew increasingly hysterical. “Should I ask someone out because they’re good at math? Should I invite someone on a date because they have the afternoon open, and hey, we don’t know each other but maybe it’ll work out?”

 “Hey, no, no, come on, calm down.” Dean pulled him in again, holding Cas to his cheat and rubbing his upper arms. When he felt that Castiel had calmed down enough to listen, he spoke in a calm voice. “I can’t answer you. I do feel sexual attraction and it’s easy for me to give simple answers that aren’t actually helpful to you.” He sighed. “But here’s what I would say. You ask someone because you can see yourself doing gross couple-y things with them. You can see yourself waking up to them every day, or at least the next few weeks, and being happy to see them there. You ask someone you can see yourself trying to compromise and reach agreements with instead of constantly arguing and holding grudges. You ask someone who will learn your favorite foods and bring them to you when you’re hurt, or sad; someone you would learn their favorite food and bring it to them when they’re hurt or sad.” He spoke evenly, trying to give actual advice. Trying to hide the ice pick that each word was driving into his heart, advising Castiel to go date someone else. Like it wouldn’t shatter his heart completely to see Cas with someone that wasn’t him.

 “You ask someone that you want to cuddle on the couch with. Someone that would make you watch their favorite shows with them, and as much as you roll your eyes and grumble, you would love that they want to include you in their favorite thing. Someone that falls asleep on the couch in the middle of movies even though it drives you insane, but it would make you secretly happy that they trust you enough to fall asleep next to you.”

 Castiel slowly pulled back and looked into Dean’s eyes as he continued. His tears looked like they had stopped. I should stop. Dean thought. There’s no one that can fill all these expectations. There isn’t a person in this world that does everything I’m saying. I don’t do all of this for everyone I date.

 But if they don’t do everything I’m saying, they aren’t good enough for him.

 I’m not good enough for him.

 “You ask someone that you can laugh with at family reunions, who can make you smile even when Naomi is being disapproving of your lifestyle and making you feel ashamed for who you are. You ask someone that can handle Gabe’s pranks, because he can be one mean son of a bitch.”

Castiel chuckled, dipping his head in acknowledgement. Dean smiled at what sounded like the first real laugh of the evening,

 “You ask someone who will support your hobbies and interests, even when it means that every available surface is covered in bee stickers and jars of honey.” He smiled at Castiel to take the sting out of the words.

 Dean reached out and put his hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “The point is the person you ask on a date should someone who you want to go on a date with, and someone who you wouldn’t mind asking going on another. You got me?”

 Castiel nodded, a small smile on his face. He looked much better, tears dried and frown gone. Dean felt some of the cracks in his heart slowly heal.

 Dean smiled and ruffled Cas’ hair. “Good. Now, what do you say to burgers? I picked some up on the way home. They might be cold, but you need to eat something. Crying burns calories and you need all that you can get.” He joked, poking Castiel in the ribs where he knew it was ticklish.

 Cas jerked and laughed at the jab, shaking his head at Dean. “Okay.” He smiled softly. “That does sound good.”

 “Damn right it does!” Dean winked, standing and pulling Castiel to his feet. He kicked his boots to the side. “I’ll come get my boots later, don’t worry about them right now. Let’s just go eat.”

 Dean pulled Castiel to the kitchen by the hand, pointing to a chair he wanted him to sit in. Castiel sat, still wrapped in the blanket he had been. Dean smiled and shook his head fondly at the fuzzy bees lazily looping on the fabric. Castiel looked pensive, but Dean let him be. He probably just needs to think it all out. He’ll be okay in a little bit.

 He picked up the bag of food and turned to the counter, setting it down to grab plates from the cabinets. He set the plates down and pulled the burgers out, feeling the temperature. Yeah, that’s what I thought. Cold.

 “Hey, I’m gonna nuke these real quick.” Dean said, not turning to face Cas. “They’re a little cool.”

 He was watching the food rotate slowly, avoiding looking at Cas, trying to give him time to think, when Cas interrupted the hum of the microwave.

 “Hey, Dean?”

 “Yeah, man?”

 “Would you like to go on a date with me?”

 Beep… Beep… Beep…

 Dean slowly turned to Cas. “What?”  

 Cas looked at him determinedly. “I thought about everything you said. Everything someone I date should be and everything I should feel about them. I realized that I feel that way about you.” His expression became more vulnerable, like his determination had melted in the face of the issue. “I understand that you might be uncomfortable, considering my feelings toward sex, but… I’d really like to do all of those other things with you. So… Would you like to go on a date with me?”

 Dean stared at him. “Are,” he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Are you sure? I’m not the best person at relationships. I forget important dates and get angry easily.” He snorted, self-deprecating. “I can be a real jackass.” He deserves someone better.

 Cas frowned. “We’ve lived together for years now and you always remember my birthday. You don’t get angry easily at all, you’re always incredibly understanding. Sure, you get flashes of a temper, but I’ve always been able to talk you down.” He gave an uncertain smile, as if he was unsure of his position. “I concede the jackass point, though, you can have that one.”

 Dean barked a laugh. He stared at Castiel for a moment, seeing one determination and a bit of anxiety reflected back at him. “If you’re sure it’s what you want, we can try?”

 Cas gave him a huge, gummy grin. “Yes. I can’t promise I’ll be ‘the best at relationships’, as I’ve never been in one before, but I would very much like to try. With you.”

 Dean felt his heart heal and thaw. He walked to the table and bent down to kiss Castiel on the forehead. “I’ve wanted to ask you for a long time.” He admitted softly, lips barely moving against Cas’ skin. “But I wanted you to find someone you want, who’s better for you.”

 Cas tilted his head up and held Dean in place, lips a hair’ breadth away. “I don’t want someone who’s better for me. You’re the best for me. I want you.” He lifted his head the last bit and kissed Dean.

 Dean smiled into the kiss and felt Cas’ lips curl in response. He pulled away, running a hand through Cas’ hair. “Okay, Romeo, let’s eat now. I’m starving.”

Castiel laughed but let him move away to get the burgers from the microwave.

 “Maybe,” Dean started hesitantly, still facing the cabinets. They were easier to look at when saying sappy things than Cas. They didn’t have expressions. “After we eat we could watch a movie? I think as a couple our first order of business should be to sit absurdly close while watching a movie.” He turned to the table, placing the plates down and sitting to eat.

 “Are you suggesting we cuddle?”

 Dean was going to say no, just to tease, but one look at Castiel’s face showed him a beaming smile and excited blue eyes. He sighed, taking a bite of his burger, acting put off but secretly happy, “If that’s what you want.” He replied with a mouth full of food.

 Cas’ smile let Dean know he wasn’t fooling anyone. “What movie?”

 Dean shrugged, digging in. “You can pick; I don’t really care.”

 Later that night, with bellies full of food and the credits of a penguin documentary rolling on the screen, Dean looked down to see Cas asleep.

 “Wasn’t I supposed to fall asleep on him?” He muttered to himself, shaking his head with a soft smile. He carried Cas to his room anyway, deciding to needle him about it in the morning.

 He kissed Castiel on the forehead, chuckling softly at the grumble it caused.

 “I’m so glad that you decided I was the ‘someone’ you needed in your life.” He whispered, brushing a few stray hairs off of Cas’ forehead and covering him with a blanket.

 “Good night, angel.”