#I will think about this on my deathbed
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My Great Grandma who loved her babies very much
Reference that I used for the face!
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#I was scrolling through pinterest and saw this woman and I was like: She looks EXACTLY like how I imagine Stan and Ford's mother to look#my art#gravity falls#mabel pines#dipper pines#ig??#caryn romanoff pines#caryn pines#mabel voice: she must have been one hell of a mother to have had to deal with Grunkle Stan and Grunkle Ford when they were kids!#DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW SHE MIGHT HAVE DIED THINKING STANFORD AND STANLEY NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO RECONCILE#DO U EVER THINK ABOUT HOW SHE MUST HAVE BEEN PLAGUED WITH REGRETS AND WHAT-IFS OVER STAN BEING KICKED OUT- WISHING SHE COULD HAVE DONE MORE#DOES THE THOUGHT THAT STANFORD MIGHT HAVE NEVER GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO VISIT HER AT HER DEATHBED OR HER FUNERAL SINCE HE WAS STUCK ELSEWHERE??#EVER HAUNT YOU AT NIGHT???#DOES IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN ALL ALONG ABOUT STANLEY- SINCE SHE'S THEIR MOTHER AND “WHAT KIND OF MOTHER CAN'T#RECOGNISE HER OWN CHILDREN APART“#THEY MEET AT STAN'S FUNERAL LIKE: “STANLEY I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED- NOR WHY THAT CASKET AT THE FRONT IS EMPTY RIGHT NOW AND WHY WE'RE#CURRENTLY ATTENDING YOUR FUNERAL- OR WHY YOU'RE EVEN DRESSED UP AS FORD RIGHT NOW.“#“I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON STANLEY- BUT I DO KNOW THAT ONE OF MY SONS DIDN'T DIE IN A DITCH SOMWHERE IN THE FLAMING WRECK OF A CAR CRASH-#AND THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME.“#SHE GOT THAT MOTHER'S INSTINCT#stan twins parents
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me whenever someone says harumis motivations dont make sense or says that garmadon sees her as a daughter or that shes heartless or says that she actually likes lloyd or says that she completely hates lloyd or says that her and lloyd have a sibling relationship or says that shes a bitch or says that she only exists for garmadon or says that she doesnt care about anyone or says her name harumi harumi harumi haeumI haaur me wjen harumi jAurmi harjmj jaeumi. harumiHARIMI HARUMI HARUMI JARUMI HARUSMI HAAARIMY IJHQRUMI
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#aphid philosophy#ninjago#lego ninjago#harumi ninjago#i will never stop thinking about harumi i fear#shes everything to me forever#i will be on my deathbed and ill be like Haha this is just like harumi at the end of hunted
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Everything I learn about Rose Wilder Lane makes me more and more aware that she was a hilariously outrageous person who needs a movie made about her immediately.
After leaving Missouri, she moves to California and marries a real-estate guy who once tried to get her to help him con the railroad.
She gets hired at a San Francisco newspaper known for its yellow journalism, where she does things like writing a series of columns featuring the "real-life stories of a police detective" who, in real life, was a high-end jewel thief.
Her first book is a first-person "autobiography" of Charlie Chaplin that she (after a few interviews with Chaplin) completely made up, and that Charlie Chaplin immediately threatened to sue her publisher for.
Her second book is a biography of Jack London, which his wife only reluctantly allowed her to write because Rose presented herself as "someone who had never written for the newspapers before and needs a chance to break into the magazines." This book was also almost entirely fictional, and her publisher also almost got sued over it.
Third biography is the first-ever biography of Herbert Hoover, also a heavily-fictionalized account. (Doesn't seem to have been sued for this one. Steps in the right direction!)
Traveled as a reporter through Europe (to places like Albania and Poland) post-WWI. (If we want to talk about legal things that she did).
Wrote a book based on Laura's late-childhood pioneer experiences while Laura was writing the early books of the Little House series, and did not tell Laura about it. (Laura was ticked off).
Kept trying to insert a story into Laura's memoirs (and Little House on the Prairie) casting Pa as a member of a posse that hunted down the infamous (and never-caught) serial-killing Bender family (despite the fact that this was historically impossible). (It got to the point that Laura herself told this story to the public as an example of "a true story I couldn't out in my children's book." Despite the fact, I say again, that this was historically impossible).
During WWII, endured a minor incident (it involved one cop coming to her house) where the FBI investigated her as a potential communist based on a postcard she sent that was critical of the government. Turned this into a short story that presented herself as the righteously-outraged American citizen fighting against an oppressive government, and used this to whip up a nationwide media campaign against J. Edgar Hoover for spying on American citizens.
Flew to Vietnam as a war reporter when she was in her seventies.
#history is awesome#rose wilder lane#little house#i finally finished pioneer girl perspectives#to think i didn't even want to read the essay about the bender family#i skipped over it and left it til last#cuz i thought it would just rehash the fact vs fiction stuff i've seen covered elsewhere#turns out it was about the history of yellow journalism and provided most of the facts i've listed#(i was today years old when i learned that 'yellow journalism' was short for 'yellow kid journalism')#(and it came from a popular 'yellow kid' cartoon character that hearst and pulitzer both fought over to get into their papers)#also it turns out the bender family was a popular yellow journalism topic (because they'd never been found so people could make stuff up)#usually the stories centered around posses that found and killed them#but my favorite is the story that they made a hot air balloon from a natural gas deposit in a swamp in kansas#and escaped over the gulf of mexico#until their balloon popped and they landed on a passing ship where one of them could make a deathbed confession#history is awesome but the history of fake history is its own special kind of awesome
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"Fucking cocksuckers" and it is the most sentimental, raw, heartbreaking quote you've ever heard
#scenes that i will be thinking about in my deathbed#sara watches ofmd#ofmd#ofmd s2 spoilers#izzy hands
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i am so obsessed with the way stanford says "TiC. ToK." like he's spitting the words out through his teeth. old man, i love you so much
#“i've known you my whole life and no one's ever called you hot” bitches in glass shard beach and gravity falls have NO TASTE#and obviously i'll be thinking about#“with those 12 fingers he could- dear god! that is enough”#all the way to my deathbed#gravity falls#stanford pines#ford pines#jk simmons#top tier voice fr i cannot believe alex hirsch got that man to do that audio#we have been blessed honestly#my nonsense
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so. i've been reflecting a lot about the existential grief people go through as they face the fact they're dying. the ones that i've been thinking about recently are the desire to 'leave a legacy' and to 'not be forgotten.'
it rings true to what i feared as a suicidal teenager. i was terrified of having no impact on the world. of existing for 'no reason.' of being forgotten when i'm gone. the idea of not mattering to anyone was even more painful than the sadness and grief within. its not an uncommon sentiment. people want to believe there are silent lovers in this world. that they matter more than they think they do. that if they disappeared, a myriad of people would emerge, saying 'i wish i was kinder to them' or 'i loved them all along and never said anything' or 'they changed my life for the better.'
this does not disappear with age. for adults, this often shows up in having children, grandchildren, a 'biological' legacy. of having their names live on in posterity. of writing a memoir or publishing art or getting their name on something that's been donated - of leaving a piece of their soul on this planet when their body passes. people want to be remembered. they want to matter.
this has changed for me over the years. why that is, i'm not quite sure. it could be from what i do for a living and the desensitization to dying. it could be from being assured in the love i have in my life and assured in who i am. it could be in the acceptance that i am just a human being that will likely never change the world, but hopefully i can put a little more kindness into it, and thats more than enough for me. and i want to be forgotten. i dont want the people that i love grieving me. i dont want to be a ghost haunting any joy they might find after my death. or to feel any guilt regarding me before or after death. like. if i'm dying let me die. pull every plug in the hospital room and turn off the lights. leave my ashes in the kiln throw them in the garbage i do not CAREEE. move on. i love you and all I want is for you to be happy. with or without me. that is ITTT.
#death tw#probably#part of me has been thinking about this because who could i trust to be my medical power of attorney#because i love my mom and my husband but neither of them i think could make level-headed decisions if i was dying#even though both of them are very much aware of my wishes. grief is a powerful thing#i guess it used to scare me that im insignificant#but now its also comforting. like. its okay to be insignificant.#i do not have to change the world for my life to matter#as long as i find happiness and help those that i can and be kind#that is a life worth living for me. it doesn't have to be more grand than that#anyway! i bet if/when i actually AM dying i will feel different#facing your own mortality can reveal things to yourself that you didn't even realize#so i'll let you know tumblr.com if/when this changes as i'm posting from my deathbed
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we were ROBBED of a connor-eddie-rose-kyle-jason-artemis team. i get sick whenever i think about it
me on my deathbed, literally taking my last breaths: the greatest regret of my life isn’t brainwashing someone at DC to make my dream (outlaws) team happen
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we don't even have shifty stations
#kae.txt#im gonna be on my DEATHBED thinking about how the last of my splatoon experience will be shifty stationless#can they bring it back just once no tricolor just once just so i can experience it please
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Now that you’ve wasted your life here, in this small corner, you’ve destroyed it everywhere in the world.
#doodles#doodlings#LN#the north siblings#agata#bobo#i've so many notes on this lol. listening to [Deathbed by There for Tomorrow] just made me ten times sadder drawing this.#adding c.p. cavafy's ''The City'' was the final nail in the coffin. i began crying about the overarching theme of grief that follows#the LN universe i write and draw for. i'll expand on that later. not now. my heart's in pieces thinking about it ToT
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help i read 'it's gonna hurt like hell to become well' and it sent me into the most severe sbsr flashbacks
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rewatching severance and omg this show makes me insane. it totally benefits from being rewatched and it's insanely good both watches. every little detail is so intentional and carefully considered i have never been so consistently obsessed with 9 episodes of a television show between seasons
#i don't post about it constantly but i am always thinking about severance. visually extremely good+is funny+deeply compelling#anyway this rewatch is strengthening my theory that gemma was rendered braindead in the car accident and#Ms Casey is the only version of her that exists now? the 'rise from your deathbed' thing and then later#cobel gets petey's chip and milchik is like 'is that petey?' and then ms casey comes into the room like#everything in this show is so intentional i feel like calling the chip 'petey' is notable here#ACTUALLY. on second thought that's not a theory so much as just the most reasonable conclusion to draw#but the whole petey chip deal. is that gonna be anything. is innie!petey still alive in some capacity...#logan watches severance
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Part of you believes you should find standing in the middle of the immaculate improved and remodeled church where Asta grew up to be something quaint and below you. Your upbringing was that of perfectly manicured events, days spent in a sun drenched parlor taking tea in delicate gowns, but you aren’t the girl you grew up as anymore.
You’re a woman, blossoming into the most beautiful part of your life, rainbow tinted light shining down over your face, sun shining through the recently finished stained glass panel that covers the back wall of the church. Red over your cheeks and lips, blue over the tip of your nose, gold from the yellow star at the very top of the depiction.
“What do you think?”
Asta breaks you from your reverie, eyes nervously darting between you and the art his wages as a Magic Knight funded. He’s been sending money back home for years and the once dilapidated place where the children slept six to a bed has now become something sprawling, a community hub where the hungry are fed and the needy are provided for.
It wasn’t all his doing, of course, but this was.
The moment he knew he wished to devote his life to adoring you he planned to create something beautiful to give you even if your feelings weren’t the same as his have always been. It benefits the village but most of all, it has always been to see the look of awe on your face
Depictions of love and family; of safety and protection come together piece by piece in front of you. Every shard of glass paints a picture that has unfolded right here in Hage Village, heroes born from tough soil just as those potatoes they’re so fond of do.
You turn to glance at him and reach for his hand, intertwining your fingers. It’s hard to render you speechless yet he manages to do so often and well. He squeezes your palm against his and leans into you, eager to be as close as possible always.
“I think it’s breathtaking,” you marvel, glancing from the top and downward again, smiling when you recognize a tiny spiky haired figure that must be him. “It’s…wow. I fear I may not have the words to describe it.”
He chuckles, looking up at it again himself but quickly dragging his eyes back toward what he’d rather stare at. Rubbing circles into the back of your hand with his thumb, his face warms when he remembers why he brought you here in the first place and you notice the shift in his being, the soft furrow of his brow and the glimmer of uncertainty he’s trying to hide.
“What do you think, Asta?”
Nervously chuckling, he reaches to rub the back of his neck and smiles boyishly. You love that smile and all that you know has made it so bright. Love shines through him just as it does this masterpiece and you’re currently being warmed by both.
Lucky you.
“I know this might be a lot to ask and it’s okay if you want to say no,” he starts and you raise a brow, keeping your gaze fixed on him. “But I’d like to marry you here.”
Red light colors his cheeks rosy, although the flush across the bridge of his nose is likely doing most of that. Green matches his eyes and makes them gleam. Yellow shines further down on his body, a slip of color across the ring finger of his left hand that is joined with your right one.
You’ve never been one to ignore a sign when you’ve seen it.
“I’m not asking you to marry me, not yet anyway,” he rushes to add when your silence lingers a beat longer than he’s comfortable with. “But when we do...”
He trails off and you shift toward him, cupping his cheek and kissing him. Happily kissing you back, his hand falls from the back of his neck to your hip to hold you close. Each of you smile, a curve you can feel against the lips of the other, blissfully in love and happy.
“Yes.” You whisper against his mouth. “I’d love to.”
Asta breaks away from you and searches for any signs you may be changing your mind or only saying yes to be nice but instead he sees his world, honest and life changing as she is, staring at him with affection he could not have dared dreamed of in her eyes.
“I did it for you so I’m really happy you said yes.”
He admits this quietly, perhaps fearful that your humility will rush in and you will let him know that nothing so grand should be done on your behalf.
“For me?” It’s coming and he can feel it, tensing slightly. “You shouldn’t have but I am so grateful that you did.”
Giggling, you lean into him, letting him gently rock the pair of you back and forth in the middle of the aisle.
Someday you’ll be wearing a white dress, dappled with rainbow light, while promising him all of your forevers.
Someday cannot come soon enough.
i think i might turn into seafoam what did you just do to me
#i-#speechless#my teeth are chattering what if i die#i'm gonna be thinking about this even in the nursing home#on my deathbed#treasures: kendall#i can't believe you#mimista#mimi replies
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when you pass out on the floor after a huge fight and they still pull up and make a small bed out of blankets for you so you don’t freeze all night.
#we both took off#we gotta get our shit together#and i don’t think im going to counterparts anymore after last night#if i spend any money i might actually get kicked out#it took everything i had to not ask for that 5k back#if people want to put words into my mouth#and project their shit onto me#fine#fine.#i don’t care#but don’t you dare fucking come at me#get in my face and threaten to knock me out over shit i don’t even know what the fuck you’re talking about#and then threaten me with the police?#bitch get the fuck right out of here#i wish she would have hit me#i do#i stayed calm#let her scream#say lies about me#call me a horrible person#until she found out how much fucking money i spent on her goddamn husband while she was on her deathbed#but no im the monster#like im sorry but the fuck do you do to deserve any respect?#from day one i was told that im the problem#day fucking one#and im the one who who is controlling and manipulative?#who tried to gaslight me for 4hrs straight and then ball their fucking eyes out when i came with every receipt#im nice#im non confrontational#but don’t you dare come at me with projection and lies and not expect me to call your ass out fuck you. theres a reason everyone leaves you
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And just when I thought that maybe I could start getting over Pedro Pascal I go and watch a strange way of life (in a movie theatre with 5 people, me included) and every chance of it goes flying out the window
#yes I did watch a movie alone at 2 in the afternoon#i was sad ok#ill be on my deathbed thinking about this man at this rate#a strange way of life#pedro pascal
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once upon a time one of my favorite artists opened commissions and was like yeah this is a vibes-based opening, send sketches or concepts and I was so fucking excited to sketch up a rinda/kenna piece I’ve wanted to get commissioned for AGES to the point I have like, 3 specific artists in mind for it, and by the time I had something I felt comfortable sending to them + worked up the nerve to send them my art like a peasant giving tribute to a king they closed commissions
#it was a pen sketch. it’s still in tje little container I have on my desk for all my mini sketches#I think about it on a weekly basis#tbd#me post#one of those white whale things im going to take to my deathbed I’m resigned to never working up the courage to get it made again. And THEN#my car broke down so like the 200 I had squirreled away for a BIG commission to make me HAPPY went into car repairs#maybe it was an act of god. nobody is ready for rinda/kenna
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Thinking about how even if things like turn around amazingly. Best case my mom only has 2-5 years left. And like. Getting big mad thinking about how little most of her siblings has visited. Like. Especially her sister. Which she’s the aunt who broke into my home who I’ve mentioned before so this shitty behavior isn’t. Like. Super surprising. But. Shit sucks man. I hope I’m never like that to my siblings or friends.
#I mean I gues I can’t be too suprised the same aunt never really visited her father til he was like on his literal deathbed#so#you think she might have learned from that!!#at least my moms friends are being good to her#there is like one whose not good bc her dad had this and she’s uhh not handling this and other things in her life well at all#so she kinda makes things worse and alos gave us some woo woo books and shut#but.#in controlled small doses she’s good and the rest are good about it#sorry this is why I didn’t want to share anything about this bc I new I’d start talking about it alot#but also?? I’ve been trying to journal but I never remember to start and just bottling this up isn’t going to do me any good#so. I gues you know this is technically a blogging platform this is a blog#and idk who I can talk to besides Meghan and mitchi irl and sometimes i jsut wanna vent#anyways thank u for ur service#personal
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