#I will continue to use that word incorrectly fite me

[summoner-starlight]

Among Heroes

Just as an author's note: this isn't canon. I just needed a way to get through the fact that Johanna is having a really rough time right now so her character bleed doesn't ruin my life thanks.

---

“I think it’s important to remember why you started hero-ing in the first place,” Sherwood says, tossing his line out into the water. “Helps put things back into perspective when they get like this.”

Johanna kicks her legs over the edge. “Well, I never sought out to do any hero-ing. Perhaps that’s the problem; I’m working a job I was never cut out for.” She fiddles with her Paladin’s crest.

“I don’t know about that. But if you never sought to be a hero, how did you get here?”

“It’s a bit of a long story…I’m not terribly sure you’d find any interest in it.”

“My lady, there is nothing quite as good as a long story. Please, indulge me.” He gives her his trademark smile before fumbling the rod, nearly dropping it.

She laughs. “Alright.”

---

My Mother left me with my Father and the Rothgimil when I was still a baby. She vanished after that, though her memory would live on forever. I was celebrated on the ship, as all children were, and raised in a deeply caring environment. My family had incredible patience for my shenanigans once I could walk and talk. I had a bit of a habit of getting myself into trouble.

I was deeply curious, very self-confident, and absolutely hated being told I couldn’t do something without the best of explanations as to why. My family tried all manner of things to keep me out of trouble, but I was too stubborn for most of them. My father learned it was best to let me make my own decisions, while keeping an eye out from a distance. He taught me how important it was that a child be able to make their own mistakes.

I met my best friend, who later would become my wife during one of these indicents.

---

Sherwood laughs. “An excellent start. You know, I was something of a troublemaker myself.”

“Forgive me for such a quick judgement, but I figured that may be the case.” She giggles as he feigns insult.

“So, what, your troublemaking lead you to trying to use your powers for good?”

“Well, as a child what I really wanted was to become a Ship Mother.” She pauses at the confused look on his face. “Ship Mothers are Captains, I suppose, but more than that they’re in charge of taking care of everyone emotionally and physically. They offer guidance and make important decisions and work to ensure the ship operates harmoniously.”

Sherwood nods, impressed. “I don’t know enough about sailing to say much here, but being a parent of any sort is a noble pursuit.”

“I admired my own Ship Mother so much, I wanted to be just like her: if not for the Rothgimil, then for my own ship, maybe.” Johanna looks wistfully out to the horizon.

There’s a tug on Sherwood’s line. He reels it in with some difficulty only to find a rather small fish on the end of it. Johanna giggles. Sherwood shakes his head, carefully unhooks the fish, and tosses it back into the water before attempting to re-bait his hook. “So…what happened?” he finally asks.

“Well…”

---

Living on a ship, my family told many stories to help the time pass while we were all together. Among the tales of adventure through The Great Storm, scary stories of Drownies and ghost ships, and many a grand tale of Leviathan, were stories about my Mother.

She was a wonder all her own to the Rothgimil; the woman who, from the moment she arrived, captured everyone’s hearts. She was only with us for a short while, but she managed to become quite the legend among the crew. She even befriended the Naga despite being a human. Everyone spoke so sweetly of her, I decided I had to try meeting her for myself.

So, starting when I was eight years old, I took the opportunity when we docked to try and find her. I never had long, and I never left the towns we docked in, but I tried.

---

“Forgive me,” Sherwood interrupts, “but were you not angry that your Mother left?”

Johanna shakes her head. “I never had any reason to. I was…envious, sometimes, that she was supposedly my Mother but I was the only one without a story to tell but I had no reason to be angry with her. She left me with a family that loved me more than anything in the world and that was enough.” She cocks her head at him. “This sounds like a personal question.”

“You got me,” he replies. “My Father left when I was very young. Or…that is what I always thought. My Mother worked very hard after that to take care of me. We didn’t have much growing up and she always seemed so tired. I decided I hated him for that.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Johanna says, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Sherwood smiles and waves her off. “All in the past,” he says. “Anyway, forgive my interruption. Did you ever find her?”

“No…well…not exactly, but we’ll get to that later. I did find something else, however.”

---

On my first search, I met a man from the Church of Life. He gave me a token and said if I ever needed help, with this or otherwise I could always turn to the Church. I didn’t know much about the land at the time. I learned later that he had been keeping an eye on me because some children had gone missing some time earlier and he feared some scoundrels would try to take advantage of a young girl alone in an unfamiliar city.

I did, eventually seek out the Church. They didn’t know about my Mother, but they welcomed me in and told me they would keep their eyes open. They let me borrow books and fed me snacks; it felt like being at home. I made an effort every time we docked to visit and ask questions and spend time with the other children I had met. Eventually I stopped going in the search for my mother and started going just to read and learn alongside the other kids.

I was twelve when I learned what an orphan was. I didn’t know that parents would abandon their children with no one to care for them. I mean, I knew on some level; there are plenty of us on the Sea that were born elsewhere under different parents, but on a ship you are always family. You don’t think much of it in my experience.

For many of those children, the Church was the only family they had and for some, the only family they would ever have. It was comforting that there was an organization determined to care for those who had been left behind, but devastating that it was happening at all. That was when I decided to start Acolyte training.

---

Sherwood casts his line back into the water. “So you took your compassion for others and channeled it into being a Sister of the Church, rather than as a Ship Mother.”

Johanna nod. “I wanted to help and take care of people. It would have taken me years to become a Ship Mother. If I was still after that now, I could still be waiting. But as a Sister, I could take care of people who really needed it right away.”

“It must have been hard to leave your family behind.”

“Oh, well. I trained when I could but I continued to sail with my family until I turned eighteen. That helped ease the transition…mostly.”

“Mostly?”

“Well…Daza, my best friend? The Naga?” She waits for him to nod. “She wasn’t thrilled. We got married right before I left; as a promise that I would be hers and she would be mine no matter how far apart we were. And, I had to promise I would come home to visit. I worked out a system with the Church to stay home over the summers.”

“Oh. That was nice of them.”

“Family is very important to the Church. They didn’t want me to place duty over family any more than Daza did.”

He nods again. “And she couldn’t come with you? I know when I sought my grand adventure, my best friend came along for the ride. She was worried I’d get into trouble.”

“Did you?” Johanna asks with a knowing grin.

“Of course!” They both laugh.

“She had no interest in coming with, and even if she did, Naga don’t do well on land. They’re aquatic creatures. If they go too long without large amounts of water they can die.”

“That complicates things, for sure. But you still haven’t gotten to how you got here yet.”

“Now Sherwood, if I gave you that without any context you’d have too many questions. We’re getting there.”

---

I spent many years working with the Church at the Abbey. I helped take care of the children, as that was one of few ways I could be helpful outside of brute strength. It was such a wonderful and rewarding feeling. I made new friends, helped out the locals, and spent every day making sure the kids ate and learned and slept and grew. As I said before, it felt a lot like being home. I also got into my fair share of trouble. The Church is flexible, but some priests are more so than others. I was banned from the kitchen and faced my fair share of lectures on speaking blasphemy to children. I also got spoken to for working too hard on several occasions.

A few of the other Church members suggested I get into the Paladin program. Between my compassion and my strength they thought I would play the part excellently. I didn’t know if that’s what I wanted. I had never been a warrior. Sister Heartless offered, at the very least, to give me some combat training and asked me to sit in on a few classes. She knew I enjoyed fighting and thought it would be a good way to channel some of my energy. I agreed to that, at least, without the commitment of being a true Paladin.

---

“Why the hesitation? That seems like a great honor.”

Johanna frowns and offers a small shrug. “There are a lot of responsibilities that come with taking on an Oath. I was worried it would take me away from what I loved about being a Sister. I didn’t want honor, I just wanted to take care of people.”

“Do you feel that way now?”

“Honestly? A little, yes. I feel like people expect me to be…a Justicar or something. The job has become all about being the sword…or I guess the spear? Of the Church rather than another gentle caretaker.”

“So…then why go against your judgement and become a Paladin at all?”

---

One day, we heard about a riot that got out of control and the Abbey was asking for volunteers to help with the recovery. I volunteered. What I lacked in magic I made up for in a strong desire to be helpful, my recent combat training (in case things got out of hand again) and my ability to carry very heavy things.

I was shocked at the sight of the place. I have never seen so many dead or such devastation. It was so hard to believe that a world that I had known as being so gentle and good and kind could be equally as cruel. I realized then what a sheltered life I had been living as survivors struggled to pull their shattered lived back together among the wreckage and blood.

More importantly, while I was there I met Eeka. She was a tiny little thing, no older I was sure than my youngest daughters at the time. She had no family to speak of and, worse yet, she had a terrible scar on her cheek; a mark of a thief. Imagine, harming a child over stealing something. She was terrified of us all. She bit a few other Sisters that tried to get too close. I watched as even my Sisters seemed to give up on her.

But I couldn’t. I stuck by and reached out and let her fight back in whatever way she needed to. Eventually, she warmed up to me, and when we were finished with our recovery I asked if I could bring the girl back to the Abbey. I promised I would be responsible for her, I just wanted to give her the best chance. There were arguments, of course. There’s always a risk in relocating a child that they won’t adjust well, but I was as stubborn as ever. So we took her home with us.

That trip triggered so many realizations. The world could be a dangerous place, people could be terribly cruel, and even children were not immune to such things. I thought about my own children and realized that it was no wonder Daza hated this place. There are people in the world who would kill my children solely because they appear different. I hated these truths. I wanted to fix it. I needed to be able to go out into the world and stop this sort of thing from ever happening again.

So I decided to become a Paladin.

---

“Wow…that is way more impressive than my Hero’s Journey,” Sherwood stays, eyes wide as he is stunned by her words. There’s another tug on the fishing pole that catches him off guard. He scrambles to maintain control and reels in the fish; larger than the last, but still not particularly impressive.

“Arguably, that’s not even the real beginning of it. There’s more.”

“More?” Sherwood asks, shocked. He drops the worm he’s holding onto the dock and it wriggles through the space between the boards.

Johanna nods. “But, out of curiosity, how did you get started?”

He shrugs. “My mother introduced me to a book about a famous archer who steals money from the rich and gives to the poor; I decided if I could do that then I could earn enough money to pull my mom out of poverty.”

“That’s it? That’s kind of sweet, though.”

He shrugs again, working another worm onto the hook. “Eh, I also have an issue with Justice and Bravado and impressing women. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not at all mad that I did it but…wow your story just feels like it puts things into perspective.” He laughs, dryly.

She shakes her head. “I don’t think it’s the how or the why that’s really important. The fact that you chose to walk out into the world to make it better for others is what’s important.”

“If that’s true, I feel like you’re not following your own beliefs. Shouldn’t the fact that you’re out here trying to do good be enough?”

She shakes her head again. “No. See…It would be one thing if I had actually done anything good or helpful….but I feel like I keep messing things up.”

“Okay, okay…finish your story.” He says.

---

On some occasions, typically while I was gone for the Summer, the other members of the Church would manage to get Eeka moved to another Orphanage in another Church outside of the Abbey. I always managed to get her back, but this rather frustrating move happened more often than I would have preferred.

One Summer, I returned to find she had been moved to an Orphanage in a little port town called Salt Cove. I was familiar with the town in an abstract sense, it had the poor reputation of being the sort of place where Naga leftovers would wash up. I was on my way to discuss her return with the All Mother when I overheard that there had been an issue at the Orphanage.

A local sister had written expressing her concerns that some children had gone missing, and she suspected they had been kidnapped. I could tell from the discussion that Eeka was likely among them. To make matters worse, the Abbey was going to wait three days before even attempting to send a Paladin.

I was furious, but I also knew I that no amount of arguing was going to get this done faster. So, I stole the note, took a set of armor out of the armory, gathered my most important gear, and left for Salt Cove without so much as a word to anyone.

Once I was nearly there, a bandit snuck up on me and, out of reflex, I stabbed him. That’s when I met my friends and, knowing I would need help, lied about being a Paladin.

---

“Wait, you killed a man and then lied about being a major authority figure in your church?” Sherwood asks. Johanna nods and Sherwood doubles over laughing just as there’s another tug on the line. It slips out of his grasp and falls down into the water below.

“Oh no, you’re fishing pole,” Johanna says. She moves to dive in after it but Sherwood pulls her back.

“It’s alright. I don’t think it will get too far and…I think I’m done anyway.”

“You’re not very good at this.”

“Fishing?”

“No…well….yes. But you’re also not terribly good at making me feel better.”

“Sorry,” he says honestly, putting his hands up. He’s still grinning. “But what you did was the most honest dishonest way to try and help someone. You filled a need you saw wasn’t being met.”

“…I didn’t mean to kill him…” She says sheepishly.

“I figured. You don’t seem the type. But, hey, he attacked you first there’s no need to feel bad for that one.”

The sun was beginning to set, casting orangey hues on the sea and sky.

Sherwood lets the silence settle in for a moment before breaking it again. “Listen, Sister, I think it’s important to remember why you started because it can help you continue on.”

“But I didn’t want to start…”

“I know! I know, but then it sounds like you did want to start. And if you really didn’t want to be doing this, you would have given up well before you took your Oaths. So think about that: why did you start?”

“I…I wanted to make the world a better place for my kids…for all kids. I wanted to be a Ship Mother but…for the world.” She looks down on the fishing rod caught up in some rocks. “I’m doing a terrible job of that…”

Sherwood shakes his head. “First of all, that’s a huge goal. You’re one person, Sister. You’re never going to achieve that.”

“Gee…thanks…”

“More importantly,” he interrupts, giving her a nudge, “when you were talking about growing up what did you say about how your family raised you?”

She thinks on this and, for a moment, becomes rather frustrated when she cannot seem to find the information she thinks Sherwood is looking for. Then, it clicks. “I…was able to make my own decisions while my family kept me from the worst of it.”

“You had to be able to make your own mistakes.”

She shakes her head again and tries not to cry. “No! But that’s different! I was never trying to hurt anyone! I was never trying to end the world!”

“Okay, sure, but even still: you’ll never be able to control everything everyone else does. Sometimes taking care of someone means helping them after things fall apart and they learn their lesson. Just like sometimes it means trying to keep them from getting hurt in the first place.” He places a gentle hand on her shoulder-blade. “Look, Johanna, just like you, people are always going to make their own decisions and choices. You can try to steer them in the right direction, but it is up to them. I get that you want to be proactive, but sometimes we have no choice but to be reactive; and that’s okay.”

She sighs, letting a tear escape but without full on crying. “I just…feel like I’m screwing everything up.”

“Hey, I’m speaking from experience here. I toyed with a villain and when she came back for her revenge she killed my best friend in front of me. Later on, I watched another one kill nearly everyone I cared about while I couldn’t do anything, including the mother of my child.”

“…How in the world did you move on after that?”

“Well…I got really depressed, drank a bunch of alcohol, and then decided maybe I wasn’t cut out to be a hero; but I didn’t have a choice. Luckily, my daughter snapped me out of it. She reminded me of who I was and why I bothered. She reminded me that if I sat around and did nothing then we would all lose, no matter what.” Johanna remains in a contemplative quiet. Sherwood continues, “So, I got back into it. I still struggled to go back to who I was before but I got better…and then, when the odds were against us and I saw the dominos lined up to repeat history I stepped in and did my best to stop it.”

She looks at him, as if waiting for him to continue but he doesn’t. He looks out on the sunset and she can see the soft sorrow in his face. In that moment, he’s a mirror of all of her feelings and she feels herself relax at the knowledge that she truly isn’t alone. “…What happened?” she finally asks.

“I dealt the bad guy a blow hard enough to give my team a chance, told my daughter I loved her, and then he killed me.” There’s another long silence before Sherwood says, “I cannot really recommend martyrdom tho.” Johanna looks at him inquisitively and he turns back to her with a smile. “Just because you seem the sort who would do that. It sounds nice on paper, but….it’s a bit rough.”

He laughs and, in the moment, Johanna finds herself laughing too.