#I watched Deadpool x Wolverine while I wrote this and now I want them to be together I fear

[ghostgirl-22]

OBSESSED with your stupid cockslut art!! Needy little baby too stupid to think about anything other than getting wrecked by his teammates…. The first time it happens…. They’re changing after training and the new kid - some handsome clearly gay guy - is flirting with art, leaning over him, putting his hands on arts chest, on his waist and Patrick’s being his typical jealous about it until he realises arts brain has completely turned off and he’s spacey and giggly and blushing and Patrick is immediately hard and like. Needs to explore this immediately actually. Drags art away and back to their room and arts so different to normal and Patrick just can’t help himself he has to fuck art immediately because as if he’d miss out on the chance to have him like this????

Ah yes…yes… I hear you anon…<3

So like Im taking it as the first time Patrick realizes that Art goes brainless or something like that (idk enjoy lol)

CW: 18+ !NSFW!

—-

It takes a little while for him to notice, if Patrick’s being honest. He’s not really paying attention at first. He’s joking with a couple of his teammates about how predictable one of their regular opponents serve is. They’re all laughing and out of the corner of his eye is when he sees it.

The new kid, Craig Reynolds, is also the only openly gay kid on the team. He’s this tall, handsome, conventionally attractive athlete from a rich family. That’s pretty much why he gets away with it, integrating seamlessly while taking little if any flack from his teammates.

He’s talking to Art, talking up close, the way Patrick might. Barely giving him any personal space. Art’s leaning with his back up against the lockers, half dressed, smiling at him. Letting him touch, letting him grip at his arm, at his waist.

“God, Craig wants to fuck him so bad,” One of Patrick’s buddies mutters when he notices Patrick staring.

“Put him in make up and a dress and I’d wanna fuck him too,” another teammate snorts and they both laugh.

Patrick feels his stomach do a somersault and he’s suddenly burning up with irritation. Of course Craig is into Art, it makes perfect sense. Art is the pretty boy blonde on the team with the perfect ass. What’s bothering him is the way Art is mirroring his attraction.

It’s the way Art’s leaning back, letting himself be played with. Eyes wide, posture submissive. Smiling the way girls do when someone really attractive is giving them attention. When Craig leans in to play with his hair and Art starts wetting his lips is when Patrick decides to interrupt.

He gets first dibs. He gets last dibs. He gets everything in between. “Hey so you wanna go?” He asks Art.

“Patrick, Craig said he can help me with my backhand,” Art says, he’s chewing bubble gum, always has something in his mouth. And Jesus Christ up close it’s even worse. Patrick can see his eyes are dilated and his cheeks are pinkening. If he had longer hair he’d be twirling it for him.

“Oh yeah?” Patrick glares at Craig.

Craig glances at Patrick, eyes filled with amusement before his gaze returns to Art. “I mean, whenever. If you want to come play with me Donaldson, you know where I live.” His eyes fall over Art’s body, his desire so fucking obvious.

“Okay but promise you won’t go easy on me?” Art says, softly. Flirting. It’s so silly and irritating. Patrick’s one step from grabbing him and dragging him away.

“Don’t worry, you’re strong,” Craig rubs Art’s bare chest, “I know you can take it.”

Art’s grinning now, like it’s funny. It’s so not funny.

“Can you go get dressed?” Patrick demands. “I want to get food before the cafeteria closes.”

Art blinks, “Oh yeah… um…” he stumbles forwards running into the bench and he bends over to rub his shin as Craig laughs.

“Careful pretty boy.”

“Shuddup,” Art says, playful. “Um… wait… where’s my bag?”

Patrick narrows his eyes, “where it always is?” He says, incredulous when Art looks around helpless. “Other side of the room. Under the bench,” He points. “Near your locker.”

“Oh yeah,” Art grins.

“I think your roommate likes boys,” Craig’s sing song voice sounds teasingly in Patrick’s ear as they watch Art make his way over to his bag. “But of course you already know that… you’re fucking him, aren’t you?”

Patrick raises his eyebrows, turning around to face him. “Did he—”

”He didn’t say anything but it takes one to know one. Everyone talks about you guys like you’re one entity and then of course you show up all jealous,” Craig smirks, bending over his bag on the bench. Patrick rolls his eyes.

Impressively, Art hasn’t even made it five feet without being distracted by another boy.

“This is his right?” Craig hands Patrick a razor phone that definitely belongs to Art.

“Yeah,” Patrick says. “Fuck.”

“Be careful with that, someone might steal it away from you.” Craig pats his arm. Patrick shrugs him off and follows Art to the other side of the locker room.

He’s no more dressed than he was a minute ago. Instead he’s like a little space cadet, straddling the bench and bouncing his thigh while the guys Patrick was chatting with earlier are teasing him about Craig.

“Do you have any more gum, Donaldson?” One of them asks, sitting across from him while idly rubbing Art’s thigh. It’s their teammate Tyler Fitzgerald, who everyone just calls Fitz. Art smirks and blows a bubble which Fitz pops with his finger.

“Someone gave it to me.” Art says, soft. Pretty little grin on his face as he licks all the gum back into his mouth. Someone’s always giving him something.

“I like how you blow bubbles. You wanna blow something else?” Fitz smirks, still rubbing Art’s thigh. “I don’t think Craigs is bigger than mine.”

Art leans back on his hands, still chewing, skin flushed. “You’re so gross,” he says, but he scoots his body closer and sticks his gum coated tongue out.

“Art,” Patrick sighs. Fitz glances up at him at the same time Art does, pulling his hands away from Art’s thighs and getting to his feet with a not so subtle wink in Art’s direction.

“Patrick I’m— I’m coming,” Art says. He reaches for his bag and then sits up straight patting his pockets. “Wait I can’t find my—my—”

Patrick pulls the silver razor phone out of his own pocket and hands it to Art. ”Oh wow. I- where did you—?”

”Don’t worry about it, come on,” Patrick interrupts. He’s anxious and not for food. He thinks he’s starting to understand what’s happening.

Art is so shy when girls flirt with him, but he’s absolutely ditzy when he’s taking Patrick’s cock. Maybe with Craig flirting and Fitz flirting, maybe just the thought of getting fucked has him in that same drunken silly state. Unable to focus on anything but the idea of getting filled. And suddenly Patrick’s jeans feel so much tighter.

“Come on,” Patrick holds out his hand and Art chews a little longer before he spits the gum out, gazing up at Patrick, lips parted, eyes dilated, pink tongue tracing the surface of his white teeth. Patrick thinks about fucking him right here… taking him in the bathroom stall just to get it out of his system. Everyone probably already fucking knows by now. Art reaches for Patrick’s zipper and Patrick barely stops him, stepping back to go throw the gum away. “Get dressed,” he says.

Craig smirks at him from across the locker room.

Art just barely manages to get his clothes on. Patrick has to help him collect his gear. He’s all over the place. A little bit of boy flirting and he’s a fucking mess. Teasing the whole time, desperate for Patrick’s attention… for his…

He barely gets Art home. They’re kissing in the elevator. Art is dizzy, grabbing at him. Climbing all over Patrick as soon as they get onto the bed. Hes such a fucking cock slut he’s moaning before Patrick even gets inside, he’s moaning just for the promise of it. Falls apart all over it. Doesn’t recover till they’re sweaty and breathless, covered in lube, spit and semen.

And then Art’s back to normal. It’s fascinating. The way he comes back down to earth with little or no recollection of the way he was acting in the locker room. They clean up and go to dinner and it’s Patrick’s turn to fall apart. Tripping over himself to open doors for him, pulling him closer where they sit in the cafeteria. Patrick’s practically on top of him, consuming all his time, his attention, all the food he wants but can’t finish. Art’s not even eating his dessert, just licking the icing off. Patrick’s asking him what he remembers still trying to understand this particular tick.

Art denies flirting, says he was just talking to Craig, says he would never cheat and or let another boy fuck him. “I mean, unless…” he shrugs licking the frosting off his spoon. “Unless you wanted me too.” He bites down on the spoon and gazes at Patrick.

Patrick stares back at him, he can’t help but to smirk. “Yeah, okay.” He says but his mind is screaming because whatever the fuck this is… he knows he wants it. It’s only a matter of time before Art gets hit on by another boy and Patrick decides he’ll just have to be there so he can do more research.

[whimsiwitchy]

we broke up (one shot)

hugh jackman x f!reader

summary: you get dragged to a work event by your boyfriend of three years when Hugh comes to flirt with you. after you reluctantly tell him you’re taken, he backs off for the most part. a few months later, Hugh tells the story during an interview but little does he know you’re single now. 

warnings: implied age gap (not mentioned), flirting while in a relationship (kinda)

authors note: here's a little oneshot I wrote tonight. enjoy <33

You’d been with your boyfriend, Rowan, for a few years now. He earned a degree in marketing and immediately got a job for a studio. While he enjoys his job and it brings in good money, the events he dragged you to were unbelievably boring. The company he worked for always had big parties after a success on a project. At first they were interesting, often running into celebrities here and there given that it was the success of their movie, but lately you found yourself sitting at the bar more often than not. It was routine at this point. Rowan would show you off for the first hour, then he would toss you aside to fend for yourself. You weren’t the biggest social butterfly, hence why you liked to sit alone, drinking. 

Tonight wasn’t any different. You were at another party for the successful marketing for Deadpool and Wolverine. You’d heard a few whispers that the stars of the movie themselves were somewhere wandering around but you hadn’t had the pleasure of seeing them. Rowan dumped you at the bar a little over thirty minutes ago and you’ve been sipping on some fruity little drink ever since, completely in your own world. You made small talk with the bartender every once and a while but you were mainly people watching. 

“Mind if I join?” A deep Australian accent asks. You look up and see a gorgeous older man. He was wearing a dark blue suit with a pair of black expensive looking glasses. He was deliciously tall and had a thich salt and pepper beard. “Uh no, go ahead.” He sits in the bar stool next to you. He orders a drink from the bartender before returning his attention back to you. “Pardon me if this is too forward but you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.” The comment takes you aback. “Oh um, thank you. That’s really sweet of you to say.” He looks down to your glass that’s nothing but melted ice at this point. “Can I buy you another drink?” He asks. “You probably shouldn’t. I’m taken…sadly.” You whisper the last part, unsure if he heard it or not. “Oh! I apologize for coming on to you. You’ve been sitting here by yourself for so long, I thought you might have come alone.” You huff out a laugh. “My boyfriend works for the company. He’s out there socializing or whatever.” You shrug and signal to the bartender, asking for another drink. “That’s a shame. If you were mine, you’d be on my arm all night.” He smirks. “Is that right?” You smile at him. Before he can answer, you feel your phone vibrate with a text from Rowan that reads ‘where are you babe? Time to leave.’ 

“Well, the boyfriends calling, I gotta go.” You carefully climb out of the chair and grab your jacket and purse off of the back. As you start to walk away, the man speaks again. “Wait! What’s your name?” You turn back to face him. “Y/n.” He smiles and repeats it. “I’m Hugh.” His answer surprises you. “Oh! Congrats on the movie. I didn’t even recognize you at first with the beard and all.” He laughs. “Bye Hugh.” You wave before walking off.

—

It’s been a few months since that night in July, it being September now. You and Rowan had broken up mid-August, both of you agreeing that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It hurt for a little bit but you knew it was for the best. Living with him had been awkward as you searched for a new place, deciding that he can keep the current apartment. You wanted a fresh start, which is where you are now. Tonight was your first night in your new apartment. You didn’t have any furniture yet but you were happy. You bought an air mattress to make do until you could afford an actual bed. 

It was around midnight and you were doing your nightly youtube watch. You were scrolling through your recommended videos when you saw Hugh’s face pop up. It was an interview posted a few minutes ago from him on some late night show you’d never heard of. You clicked on it, wanting to hear what the man was up to these days. The interview was a standard one, mostly questions on his upcoming movie about some sheep. You weren’t really paying attention, close to dozing off when a question peaked your interest. 

“So Hugh, it’s almost been a year since the announcement of your divorce and the fans wanna know…How’s your dating life doing? Are you seeing anyone?” The woman asks, wiggling her eyebrows. Hugh lets out a big laugh. “I’m actually not seeing anyone. It’s funny you ask because the last time I even attempted to flirt with a woman she turned me down.” The interviewer's eyebrows shoot up in shock. She gasps before asking, “How could anyone turn you down? We need to know the full story here.” 

“Ryan and I were at this party for the marketing team that worked on Deadpool and Wolverine and I saw this absolutely gorgeous girl sitting at the bar all alone.” The interviewer is nodding her head, engaging with every word Hugh says. “I eyed her for a while to see if anyone was with her but she sat there alone for a good thirty minutes before Ryan hyped me up to go over there. When I finally did, I ordered a drink and tried to play it cool but I felt the urge to tell this girl how stunning she was, so I did.” You giggle to yourself and you hear him tell the story from his point of view. “She thanked me and I offered to buy her another drink. I kid you not, in the prettiest voice I’ve ever heard she says ‘you probably shouldn’t, i’m taken.’” His hands go up to his chest, gripping right above his heart. “My heart broke mate. I flirted a little more in true Hugh fashion but she had to go. I haven’t been able to get her out of my head since.” 

“What a lucky woman, I’m sure she regrets it.” 

“Hey, I tried my best.” He shrugs before looking at the camera. “Y/n, if you ever break up with him. I’m all yours baby.” 

Your jaw drops, the sound of cheers blasting from your phone.  

‘we broke up. I’m all yours. @/RealHughJackman’ 

You hit send on the tweet and hoped it would be enough to bring him back to you.

thank you for reading <3

[cultven]

can i get a Deadpool x reader x wolverine where reader is making them watch asmr with them at bedtime :3

🍒

ASMR Cuddles

Deadpool X Reader X Wolverine

Content: Some cursing, Wade being a yapper as always, Grumpy Logan, Fluff, Cuddles, Slime!!, Small Blind Al content

Word Count: 827

Warnings: None

a/n: This request was just too funny not to write, just thinking about these two men and their different reactions. Wrote this super fast on a whim so hopefully it's ok! Short and sweet :)

“Hurry!” You whined, getting all cozy. This has become a daily routine with the three of you, you get comfy in bed while the other two men stall sleeping. Little did other people know, Wade and Logan were huge insomniacs. Perhaps it came with the profession of being a superhero, you didn’t know, but you were determined to help soothe their minds into sleep. The first tactic that came to your mind? Asmr. 

You had the perfect setup. Bunches of pillows to support your heads and backs into a half-sitting position, mountains of blankets to keep you all warm and comfortable, and finally your laptop at full charge ready to go. Now all you needed was your eccentric and grumpy boys. “Wade hurry up!” You groaned as Logan stepped into the room, finally in his sleeping clothes. 

“Hold on baby girl, I’m doing my skincare routine!” Wade yelled from the other side of the apartment. 

“Why? It’s obviously not doing anything for you.” Logan retorted with a smile as you playfully hit his arm. He just grinned wider at your scolding as you heard one more knock on the walls. 

“Keep it down, fuckers! Some people in this place like to sleep!” Blind Al shouted from her room, which was only a few thin walls away. 

“Sorry, Al!” You apologized, sending Logan a look to shut it. He only rolled his eyes as he crawled into bed next to you, wrapping a strong arm around your shoulders. As he got himself comfortable, Wade burst through the door with a smile, two shirts in hand. 

“Ok, be honest. Which shirt is more ASMR-y? Pink with rainbows,” He held up a hot pink t-shirt to his chest. “Or, yellow with the X-men logo?” Wade’s arm lifted the other shirt, which was just some old X-men merch he stole from Colossus not too long ago. 

“Asshole it doesn’t matter, let's go.” Logan groaned, blankly looking at the two options. 

“I like the pink Wade.” You said with a smile, watching him put the shirt on and patting the seat next to you. Finally, the three of you get comfortable, Wade on your left and Logan on the right. With the way you three were situated, it almost felt like a puzzle. 

“So, what do you want us to watch exactly?” Logan questions, eyeing the videos you’re scrolling past. 

“It’s videos that make funny noises! They’re supposed to relax you and help you sleep. It even makes some people tingle.” You respond, smiling a bit at the man before resuming your search for the perfect video. 

“What kind of tingles exactly?” Wade smirked at your side. Before he could wait for an answer he hastily pointed at a video on your laptop. “Oh! Let’s do that one! Slime.” Sure enough, that was the video you put on. Within the first two minutes, Wade was completely enthralled, commenting on every little thing. 

“What kind of slime is that?”

“Fluffy, dear.”

“How does it sound so delicious?”

“Beads!”

“Where can I find the things to buy this?”

While Wade was now distracted on Amazon buying the various ingredients for slime, Logan was not so impressed. You could tell the only reason he was currently staying in bed was for the free cuddles. The slime clearly was not of his taste. 

“Logan, do you want to try a different video?” You offered, determined to make the man sleepy through ASMR at any cost. Slime probably wasn’t the best fit for sleep time, not only because of Logan’s disinterest but it only seemed to rile up Wade more as he was currently talking your ear off about all the things he bought for his upcoming slime creations. 

“Eh, no offense bub, but I don’t think any of these videos are gonna do it for me.” You felt bad, you needed to find something that would soothe Logan, and you knew just the genre. 

“How about some general tapping ASMR?” You hastily typed the words into YouTube, much to Wade’s dismay. You found the perfect video, turning up the volume ever so slightly and allowing the ASMR to do its thing. Five minutes into the video you felt sleepy yourself, before realizing that the last few minutes have been in complete silence, which was strange when you lived with Wade Wilson. Turning to both your sides you see Wade completely asleep and Logan fighting for his consciousness. 

“This one good, bub’?” You whisper to Logan, teasing him slightly. 

With your words knocking him out of his trance, all Logan could think to say was, “Shut up.” Before returning to the video, his arm still wrapped around you. Within ten minutes the three of you were out cold, a mess of limbs all sewn together with soft tapping in the background. For the first time in years, Wade and Logan were able to get a good night's sleep and all it required was some cuddles and ASMR. 

[therealkn]

David’s Resolution - Day 18

Day 18 (January 18, 2019)

Blade: Trinity (2004)

“In the movies, Dracula wears a cape, and some old English guy always manages to save the day at the last minute with crosses and holy water. But everybody knows the movies are full of shit. The truth is, it started with Blade, and it ended with him. The rest of us were just along for the ride.”

In 1997, Batman & Robin was released to theaters and... well, a lot of people didn’t like it. In fact, many say it’s one of the worst movies ever made. The first part is true as it was slammed by critics and audiences upon release and has cultivated a considerable notoriety for its badness; the second part is false because trust me, it is FAR from the worst ever made. If you unironically consider Batman & Robin one of the worst films ever, please tell me what your criteria are for determining whether a film is “one of the worst ever”, because I think that criteria is lacking. But one thing that is for certain about Batman & Robin is that it, along with the failure of Steel that same year, more or less killed DC Comics’ hold in the box office. They struggled for several years with other films until finally seeing success again with 2005′s Batman Begins, which was a critical and commercial success and started Christopher Nolan’s “Dark Knight Trilogy” of Batman films.

In between those Batman films, however, Marvel Comics decided to take another shot at movies after some... not-so-great films. And we got Blade. Hell yeah.

Telling the stylish and action-packed tale of the half-vampire Blade (Wesley Snipes) who hunts down vampires and does so in the coolest way possible, Blade - released one year after Batman & Robin - was a critical and commercial success, Marvel’s first in the box office. This was impressive not only because it was a comic book movie and people were questioning the viability of the genre after Batman & Robin, but also because it was an R-rated comic book movie featuring a more obscure character instead of someone more well-known to audiences. Blade was a pretty cool, stylish, badass movie and while X-Men and Spider-Man would become bigger and more famous successes, I’d like to think that Blade started Marvel’s new era of superhero movies and influenced their approach to making future films, especially when it came to looking into more obscure properties to adapt to film like the Guardians of the Galaxy.

And then there was Blade II, released in 2002 and directed by my guy Guillermo del Toro. This was a sequel that was even better than the original in practically every way. The villain was cooler and surprisingly sympathetic (not being mean to you, Stephen Dorff, you were great in the first film, but I’m just saying), the story has some neat twists to it, the characters are great and memorable, the action’s exciting and one-ups the sequences in the first movie, and it has Del Toro’s distinctive visual style for days.

And then came Blade: Trinity, which cocked the whole thing up. In order to properly prepare for this film, I watched the other two films (I’ve seen them before, which is why I’m not writing full reviews for them). I had actually tried to watch this years ago but only got as far as the first act because younger David somehow thought it was that bad. That’s the younger David who would have probably disliked watching sex, lies, and videotape.

This movie’s premise is simple: the vampire world has decided that in order to destroy Blade, they hit the Godzilla threshold and awaken Dracula (Dominic Purcell), the very first vampire ever to exist, to help them fight. And this time, Blade’s not doing it alone. Okay, he wasn’t always alone, as he had his mentor Abraham Whistler (Kris Kristofferson) in the other two films and- oh, they kill off Whistler in the first act, wow, that’s some bullshit. Well, now Blade has become part of a group of vampire hunters called the Nightstalkers, and accompanying him is the wisecracking Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds) and Whistler’s daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel). Okay, the stakes are raised - pun unintended, promise - and this is going to be the biggest challenge yet for Blade.

Speaking of Ryan Reynolds... he’s the best thing in this movie ,getting that out there right now. His character, Hannibal King, could best be described as “Deadpool Lite”. He calls his vampire ex a cock-juggling thundercunt, which is one of the greatest insults of all time and that alone makes him great. I can see why some people would find him annoying or grating, but I like to think of it as a dry run for his playing the Merc with a Mouth, which is funny considering that around this time, Reynolds was hearing about the Deadpool character. In fact, after this movie, Reynolds would begin the twelve-year-long journey of bringing DP to the big screen, which would involve playing a character named Wade Wilson in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

I’m sorry, this movie is not great. It’s just a big disappointing letdown. One of the problems with the movie is with Blade. Not the character himself, he’s still pretty cool and Wesley Snipes is great. I mean that this doesn’t feel like his movie. In the other two movies, it was pretty clear he was the guy in charge, especially in Blade II when he made it clear to the vampires he formed a truce with that he was not someone you screw with. But in this one, he just kinda gets shunted off for several other characters. To their credit, Marvel would get better at ensemble films (The Avengers, ‘nuff said), but in this one, it just feels sad. We watched this movie because we want more of Blade. But it feels like they put him in the back seat to focus more on other characters. He’s the title character for fuck’s sake, and yet he feels like he’s a side character in his own movie. Just like what happened with Tom and Jerry...

What doesn’t help either is that the film is one of those “too many things happening for its own good” films. The movie’s got too much going on and it feels confusing. What’s this film about? Is it about Blade fighting Dracula with the Nightstalkers? Is it about the vampire world finally getting the law to crack down on Blade? Is it about the vampire’s plans to completely subjugate the world? It doesn’t seem to know which one it wants to focus on, which really hurts considering that this is supposed to be the biggest threat that the vampire hunters of the world ever faced, and yet Dracula seems like less of a legitimate threat than Deacon Frost in the first movie or the Reaper virus in the second. And it’s not the only third film in a superhero film series to have this problem, as X-Men: The Last Stand had this same problem with too much happening. Again, Marvel at least got better at juggling multiple plotlines in superhero movies with their cinematic universe, so there is that.

There’s a lot of other problems big and small, and a good chunk of them can probably be traced back to Wesley Snipes. The production of this film was pretty screwed up, and a lot of it is due to him. David S. Goyer, who wrote all the Blade films including this one, ended up directing it when no one else wanted to take the job. Snipes was unhappy with Goyer’s decision to direct, and both he and Kris Kristofferson were unhappy with the script, which is probably why Kristofferson’s character is killed off early on. (Reminds me of what they did with RoboCop’s partner in RoboCop 3, another third movie in a series that sucked.) Not only that, but Snipes was hostile to Goyer as well as Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel; at one point, Hannibal King says “He doesn’t like me, does he?”, which was not Hannibal talking about Blade, but Reynolds talking about Snipes. Snipes also apparently refused to leave his trailer for any scenes that didn’t show his face, so his stunt double did a lot of the Blade scenes. His working relationship with Goyer got so bad that he called him a racist several times for no reason and refused to speak to him, communicating only in Post-It notes. The fact that the final film got finished and is... watchable... is pretty impressive.

This film, sadly, killed off the Blade franchise. New Line Cinema’s problems with Wesley Snipes led to them making a short-lived TV show on Spike TV with someone else playing the Daywalker, and then Snipes got sent to prison for tax evasion and the Blade character’s film rights reverted to Marvel during his prison term. He’s been in talks with Marvel Studios to bring the character back, but so far they’ve said they have no plans for the character in the future. Here’s hoping we get more Blade in the future.

I should also mention that the version I saw was the unrated cut, which doesn’t really add more violence or swears or other things cut for an MPAA rating as all the Blade movies were rated R. It has some more plot and character stuff, but that doesn’t help the movie much when compared to the theatrical version. The biggest change is the ending, which includes the infamous shot of Blade’s opening eyes being superimposed over his face when Snipes refused to open his eyes in the scene.

This movie’s a mess, plain and simple. It is without a doubt the weakest film in the Blade trilogy, which sucks because it could have been better. If they had trimmed some of the plotlines and focused more on Blade than his companions, it would have been better. Like Mimic 3, I don’t hate the film, I just find it disappointing with how it could have been better. For what it is, it’s still watchable, but it’s just a muddled mess of a movie. Not sure if I’d recommend it. I’d definitely recommend the other two Blade films.

Also, if any of you are hoping for me to review more Marvel movies as part of this resolution, you may be out of luck, sadly. I’ve seen all the Marvel Cinematic Universe films, as I had to catch up in time for Avengers: Infinity War, as well as all the X-Men films and spinoffs and the 2003 Hulk, which I actually really liked, even more than some MCU films (to which someone will say “it’s okay, you can just say Thor: The Dark World”). ...Although I haven’t seen the Amazing Spider-Man films yet...

Next time: How about a GOOD comic book movie from 1997?

[niamsuggitt]

The Ides Of June 2017

Hello there! And welcome all to this month’s ‘The Ides Of’ column, where I write just a little bit about all of the various stuff and nonsense I’ve been enjoying over the past 30 days. Yes, this instalment is late, but it’s been lovely and warm, so I haven’t had the inclination to stay indoors and write this stuff. I’ve actually been outside and I’ve even been wearing shorts! What is the world coming to?

This month is a decent one I think, there’s a lot of movies (although some are rewatches), 2 intriguing books, more great TV and I bought another Switch game! Unfortunately there’s no new music this time out, but next month will change that, with new Royal Blood and Public Service Broadcasting albums on the horizon.

So let’s do it to it!

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Movies

Lot’s of movies to talk about this time, so let’s not waste any time with preamble! First up is Prometheus (Ridley Scott 2012), which I finally actually got around to watching due to the release of it’s sequel, Alien: Covenant, which I haven’t actually seen. That’s kind of me in a nutshell really, the release of a new thing makes me realise I haven’t actually seen the old thing yet! See also Schmidt, Kimmy later on. Anyway, I mostly enjoyed Prometheus, although as the rest of the internet has already explained ad nauseum, it certainly has it’s problems and, at a bit of a remove, doesn’t really make that much sense. I like the previous Alien films, and have the Quadrilogy box-set, but wouldn’t say I was any kind of mega-fan, so I don’t have any real issues per se with Scott going back and removing some of the mystery. Especially because, every answer he gives only raises more and more questions! I came out of the film wanting to know more, so in that way, it was a success. I think the things that really stood out to me here were the visuals, because whatever you think of Ridley Scott, the man has one of the best eyes for science fiction out there, and also the fantastic performance of Michael Fassbender as the android, David. He is just superb, although his role in the plot is one that frustrates me, as it’s never really explained why David is fucking with things, he just… is. Maybe the answers are waiting for me in Covenant? I also found that frustration with Charlize Theron’s character. She’s just kind of a dick for no reason, you find out Weyland is her dad… and then she dies. There must be more to it than that, but there isn’t. A lot of the other performances are like that really, good actors doing something potentially good, but not as much as you like, Idris Elba, Race Spall and Sean Harris all deserve more I think. Especially as Noomi Rapace, who is nominally the lead, isn’t quite as interesting, at least to me. Her performance is good, particularly in the fantastic ‘abortion’ scene that’s probably the film’s highlight. Unfortunately for Rapace, in an Alien film, a female lead is always going to be compared to Sigourney Weaver, and she doesn’t quite match up! Prometheus is, I would say, not a particularly great film, but it is a very interesting one.

Next, I watched a documentary that actually uses footage from Prometheus in parts, Jodorowsky’s Dune (Frank Pavich 2013). This film tells the inside story of Alejandro Jodorowsky’s failed attempt to adapt Frank Herbert’s ‘Dune’ novel into a movie in the 1970s, and wow, this movie that never got made is far more interesting than most ones that do make it! Jodorowsky’s ambition here was huge, and I would go as far to say a bit insane. If you’ve seen any of his actual films (I really like El Topo), you’ll know that he’s a bit out there, but this would have been something else. He wanted Salvador Dali, Orson Welles and Mick Jagger in the film, he made his young son learn to swordfight, it is mental. The film features some fascinating interview snippets not just with Jodorowsky and others who worked on the film, but also with outsiders like Nicolas Winding Refn, who once sat with Jodorowsky all night whilst he acted out the film. In the end, this is not just an intriguing look at a film that never came to be, but also a great monument to the power of creativity, and a unique creative mind. Because even in failure, Dune had a massive impact. It brought Jodorowsky together with Moebius, and they would later collaborate on the Incal comic series. It had a huge influence in so much other science fiction, including Alien (Dan O’Bannon and HR Giger worked on Dune, and some of the structures in Promethus are straight from the Dune sketchbook), Flash Gordon, Star Wars and basically… everything we nerds love today. My only complaint would be that, a lot of the interviews were in French, and there were no subtitles, so I couldn’t grasp what Michel Seydoux was saying. But other than that, highly recommended.

I wrote earlier about a Michael Fassbender performance being the best part of a movie, and whilst that’s true for Prometheus, it’s definitely the case for X-Men: Apocalypse (Bryan Singer 2016), which I found to be really quite a mess, and definitely indicative of how far behind the X-Men film franchise is lagging behind others right now (please note, I haven’t seen Logan yet). As a comics fan, I of course love the X-Men, but I must admit that I haven’t really been behind the X-Men movies in a while. X3 was the last one I saw in the cinema, and Deadpool and First Class are probably the ones I would actually say were good movies these days. I haven’t watched 1 or 2 in ages, but I fear they won’t have aged well. Apocalypse is indicative of this malaise really. The plot is incredibly perfunctory, with Apocalypse just coming back, being evil, and the X-Men stopping him. There’s barely a hint of a plan from him, which is incredibly disappointing, especially as it means the normally brilliant Oscar Isaac is just wasted under layers of Ivan Ooze make-up. The rest of the cast is actually good, I mentioned him earlier, but Fassbender is just superb as Magneto. He and James McAvoy’s Professor X basically make this period piece series work singlehandedly. I initially rolled my eyes at the film manipulating our emotions by giving Magneto a family only to immediately kill them off, but damn, Fassbender sells it. Jennifer Lawrence is once again inexplicably front and centre as Mystique. I really find it weird how they’ve insisted on making her such a big hero, obviously it caught them off-guard after First Class how big a star she became, but it just doesn’t make sense to me, especially when compared the the comics. The film re-introduces a lot of familiar faces with new actors, so we now have a teen Cyclops, Jean Grey, Nightcrawler and Storm. These young actors are fine, but they aren’t given too much to do really. It pissed me off how the film has Storm side with Apocalypse for most of it and then switch sides and tries to plays it off as a big surprise. Storm one of the most famous X-Men of all of them, everyone knows she’s a good guy, you can’t get away with silly shit like that. This film just felt a bit flat and uninspired throughout, there’s an entirely unnecessary Wolverine cameo (that I actually managed to be surprised by), a decent enough Quicksilver sequence that just feels like a poor re-tread of the one in Days Of Future Past, and just a whole heap of bad CGI and lame moments. I liked parts of it, but it in no way stands up to the MCU, and isn’t even aggressively stupid bad like Suicide Squad. I really hope the X-Men movies can improve, I know that Logan is supposed to be good, and the Legion TV show was amazing, but there needs to be another good, main franchise X-Movie. Will Dark Phoenix manage that? I have my doubts. Maybe New Mutants will be good.

Speaking of New Mutants, the future Magik, Anya Taylor-Joy, is the star of the next film on the docket, The Witch (Robert Eggers 2015). This is a very atmospheric and creepy horror film set in 17th Century America, as an isolated Puritan Family comes face to face with, well, a witch. This is my kind of horror movie, not so much made up of jump scares and gore, but instead an overall unease about it, and slow ramping up of terror until everything boils over into weirdness and a talking demon goat. There are some truly unsettling sequences in this story, and it really did keep me guessing throughout as to what was going on. One thing I really appreciated was the script, as Eggers tried to make it as period accurate as possible. At first the language seems odd, but you soon get used to it. The performances are all strong, Taylor-Joy is excellent as Thomasin, and it was great to see Leeds’ own Ralph Ineson get a starring role after being excellent on so many TV shows throughout the years. And what can you even say about  Black Phillip? A tour-de-force from that Goat. The Witch is really strong film, but it is genuinely scary, it took me about 3 months to build up the courage to watch it, and it has stuck with me!

I continued the horror by watching The Babadook (Jennifer Kent 2014), and yes, I was inspired to watch it because of the ‘Babadook as a gay icon’ meme, which is just hilarious. I didn’t find that much queer subtext in the film (although he does come out of a closet…) but I did very much enjoy it. Like The Witch, this film delivers the kind of scares I like, psychological, and lingering in the background, and most importantly, rooted in real human emotions. The Babadook might not even be real, and is probably some kind of grief manifestation. But, again, like The Witch, I enjoy the ambiguity about it. Another thing I really liked is how willing the film was to make the kid into an unlikeable dick, whilst also still allowing us to care about him. The two main characters here a very complex, and there’s a lot to unpack still. The design of the Babadook is another really cool thing about this film, it’s just iconic (gay or otherwise) and I think this character could end up in the pantheon of great monsters, it really is that effectively creepy.

I also re-watched 2 big blockbusters on Blu-Ray that I wrote about more extensively when they were in the cinema; Doctor Strange (Scott Derrickson 2016) and Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (Gareth Edwards 2016), or as I like to call them ‘Mads Mikkelson does Disney’. Both held up on a second viewing, and I think I actually liked Doctor Strange more this time around. The visuals were amazing, and, along with Guardians Of The Galaxy 2, show that they really are willing to take the Marvel Cinematic Universe into different places. Rogue One’s tragic ending didn’t quite hit me as much this time out for obvious reasons, as I knew it was coming, but I still enjoyed it. I paid more attention to the performances, in particular Diego Luna and Ben Mendelsohn. I think Cassian Andor might be one of the most interesting characters in a Star Wars movie, I certainly would like to see more of his story, so get on it Marvel!

Television

There’s no new or returning shows this month, it’s all quick hits, and I will try and be quick!

Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX) wrapped up it’s season in fine form with a bunch of double-episodes. I really enjoyed Gina Gershon’s guest role, and the way the season ended, with Rosa and Jake being sent to prison was a great cliffhanger, even topping last years! As an Earwolf podcast nerd, it was of course also great to get cameos from Scott Aukerman, Kulap Vilaysack in the finale. I get a kick out of hearing those familiar voices come out of actual faces. This is now one of the most consistently funny US sitcoms out there… hell, it’s one of the few.

The ending of Better Call Saul (AMC) Season 3 was also very good, particularly the fate of Chuck, which was just shocking and tragic. When BCS is on, it’s the best drama on TV, and it certainly has the best characters. I will say though that this 3rd season has been a bit too disjointed, as those characters were too disparate. I can’t remember the last time Jimmy and Mike shared a scene (Episode 4?) and the same can really be said for Mike and Nacho. At times it felt like 2 different shows, maybe even 3, happening concurrently. Now, all of those shows were good, but it didn’t cohere as well as it might. Hopefully Season 4 will bring things closer together. Gus’ knowing look at the end seems to indicate he knows what Nacho was up to, so I can imagine the criminal element consolidating. Plus, with Chuck dead and Kim sidelined with injury, things are bound to change for Jimmy McGill, and I imagine we’re only going to get more and more of Saul Goodman. This was an odd year for the show, but it’s still excellent, and Michael McKean really should win all the awards, he was superb throughout this season, making us loathe and sympathise with Chuck all at the same time. Any awards that don't go to him should go to Odenkirk of course.

I’m basically just going to be talking about finales this month aren’t? Archer (FXX) ended it’s ‘Dreamland’ storyline with some seriously surprising violence, I couldn’t believe how far they actually took Barry’s rampage. In the end, I thought the concept of Archer being in this Noir fever dream petered out a bit, and they didn’t stick the landing. But it was still funny, with all of the voice actors on full cylinders. I do think that it might be time to end Archer though, they’ve stretched this tone and character as far as it can go. After a whole season that’s a dream, what next? Take a leaf out of the LOST podcast joke and do a zombie season?

Gotham (FOX) got even more silly and ridiculous at the end of Season 3, with the introduction of Ra’s Al Ghul and the revelation that long-time henchman extraordinaire is Butch Gilzean is actually called Cyrus Gold, and is therefore eventually going to become Solomon Grundy. As dumb as this is, I loved it. This show is best when it verges on the camp, and these last few episodes delivered, particularly as Morena Baccarin finally got to be a bit interesting when playing an ‘evil’ Leslie Tompkins. It was great fun seeing her chew the scenery. And man, that final scene, where Bruce Wayne goes out on the streets to fight crime… it’s mad that they are doing that so soon, but I don’t care at this point. Gotham needs to go full on Adam West (RIP by the way) and never look back.

I must admit to being rather disappointed by the finale of The Flash (The CW), because the fake out of it actually being HR to die instead of Iris felt way too easy, and also because HR was just the best. I’ll miss him, but I’m sure whatever the hell version of Wells Tom Cavanaugh plays in Season 4 will also be great. The real highlight of this last set of episodes was the return of Captain Cold in ‘Infantino Street’. I can’t say it enough, but Wentworth Miller is just the best in that role. The ending of the Season redeemed things for me somewhat though, with Barry disappearing into the Speed Force, in what I think is meant to be the show’s version of his ‘death’ in Crisis On Infinite Earths (a story I have actually never read). How cool would it be if Wally was the Flash for like, half of Season 4? I would dig that. But it won’t happen.

Rounding out Superhero Corner until The Defenders comes out in the summer, Marvel’s Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC) had a great finale to a really strong season. It’s brilliant to see how far this show has come. They managed to tie all of the separate ‘pods’ of the season together, as Ghost Rider returned to help take out Aida in a very satisfying way. I really hope they keep this up in Season 5.

Like with Better Call Saul, it really has been an odd year for The Americans (FX), as the series shifted gears and became much more of an introspective character piece, particularly when it comes to the character of Philip. It took a while to get used to, and by the finale I was still a bit let down by how little ‘happened’, but in the end, I like where we are now. The characters, who were already well rounded, are even deeper now, and things are set up for a fascinating final season. And when you think about it, these smaller stories actually show the impact of Philip and Elizabeth’s job better than big missions. That slow grind, that loss of humanity, as driving a teenage boy to attempted suicide becomes the aim of a mission. It’s the more human side, rather than just chess pieces. And that’s really what I think The Americans is about, seeing what the Cold War was like on the ground. Let’s hope that Season 6 can marry what was good about Season 5 with the previous 4, and we really do go out with a bang. You can rest assured the acting will be fantastic, because Rhys and Russell always are.

Now for some shows that I haven’t watched the end of yet! American Gods (Starz) is still rolling along very nicely indeed, and even though as I said, I don’t really remember the book all too well, it’s adapting the story well, and even in some places improving on it. What I’ve found interesting is that, in a season of only 8 episodes, they’ve had the confidence to do 2 whole episodes that didn’t feature the 2 main characters of Shadow and Wednesday at all. One of those was all about Laura Moon coming back to life, and the other told the back-story of Mad Sweeney and Essie. Both were fantastic, and that willingness to switch things up really impressed me. The visuals of this show continue to be superb, and I am excited for the finale. It’s sitting there waiting for me right now…

iZombie (The CW) is rocketing towards it’s finale by piling on storyline after storyline and mashing them all together. At times it’s felt a bit over-stuffed, what with Blaine, Harley Johns, Stacey Boss, the conspiracy about the guy committing suicide in his cell, investigating Wally’s murder and the Mayoral Election, but mostly I think it’s worked. The most recent episode in particular did a good job a streamlining things I think and the ending was great, the world now knows zombies exist? What the? The performance of Rose McIver continues to be superb, and I loved the conceit of having her, Blaine and Don E all on the same brain at the same time, it’s awesome how they can still switch things up. I’m also enjoying the arrival of Logan Echolls himself, Jason Dohring. Can we dare hope for a Kristen Bell appearance?

Silicon Valley (HBO) is still delivering consistently strong laughs and intriguing twists and turns. I think my favourite part of this run of episodes has been Haley Joel Osment as Keenan Feldspar, he’s just really funny. I am worried about the finale now that we know that T.J. Miller is leaving the show, I don’t know how they are going to write out Ehrlich, but I don’t want them to! Hopefully Bighead will return to fill the void. I swear, he hasn’t been in like, the last 5 episodes or something.

Veep (HBO) has kicked it up a notch towards the end of Season 6, as a lot of chickens came home to roost, and Selina Meyer’s secrets were leaked to the world. It was a great episode, and was a strong use of continuity. I do still think this show has gotten a bit too broad when compared to the Iannucci years, but it is still very funny and the level of profanity and meanness still at times truly shocking. I can’t wait to see how the finale up-ends things. Selina is in a good place right now with the world finally knowing that she freed Tibet, but that can’t last, we all know it.

And finally, inspired by the start of it’s third season, I finally got around to finishing off Season 2 of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix). I did the same thing with Season 1, and will probably do the same thing with this new season. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Anyway, this was another very funny, surprisingly dark season of what is a fantastic show. I loved Tina Fey’s role as Kimmy’s therapist, and the casting of Kimmy’s mother was brilliant. I also found the romance between Titus and Mikey to be surprisingly sweet, but mainly because Titus is one of the best characters on television. My only complaint would be not enough Jon Hamm, but given that cliffhanger, I’m sure that will change!

Music

As I said in the intro, no new music this month so I won’t be able to contribute to any ‘Song Of The Summer’ debate just yet. Although that’s not actually a thing and we all know it.

Books

2 books to talk about this month, and both of them are from writers linked to my one true passion, comics. First up is Norse Mythology (2017) by Neil Gaiman, which as the title would suggest, is a re-telling of the Norse myths from Gaiman. It’s pretty cool to read his take on the direct myths, as these characters have popped up throughout his work. Whether in Sandman or American Gods, Gaiman has put his stamp on the likes of Odin and Loki, and it’s interesting to see him interpret the original stories. Like Gaiman, I first encountered the Norse Gods in the pages of Marvel Comics, and whilst these versions are therefore familiar, there’s something different about them, something darker for sure. This felt like a faithful, albeit poetic adaptation of the stories, as most of them were ones I knew, whether from the comics (if you’ve never read Matt Fraction and Patrick Zircher’s series of Thor one-shots that re-tell the myths you need to rectify that) or from previous takes on the myths or even just cultural osmosis. All of the familiar Gods appear, and you get stories like when Thor dressed as a woman to kill a Frost Giant, or the old beggar who built Asgard in a year. One thing I liked is that Gaiman really gets across how these stories are part of an oral tradition, and not all of them survive, so you get intentional continuity errors and characters just disappearing. It’s clear that there were other myths back then, but not all of them have survived to today. The short chapter length means that this book would probably actually be perfect for reading aloud, and I may even listen to the audiobook if Gaiman is reading it himself. He has a fantastic voice for audiobooks, it’s how I read The Graveyard Book for the first time. One other advantage this re-telling has over the comics is that Gaiman is able to actually reach ‘Ragnarok’, the death of the Gods, and go through with it. In the Marvel Universe, even though Ragnarok has happened (a couple of times in fact) and Thor has died or been replaced even more, you still know that nothing will change, but not in this case. All of the Gods, particularly Balder and Loki, meet their eventual tragic ends. This is a very enjoyable read, especially for someone who, like me, has an interest in myths and legends. It’s clear that Gaiman has a lot of affection for these Gods (particularly Loki, who is wonderfully complex here) and stories, and he more than does them justice. I would certainly be interesting in seeing Gaiman tackle other Pantheons, I personally like Greek Myth the best, but would like to know more about Egyptian as well.

I’m currently just under half-way through Michael Chabon’s Moonglow (2016) and am very much enjoying it. This novel is styled as a memoir and sees Chabon detail the life of his grandparents, particularly his grandfather. Jumping back and forth throughout his life, Chabon allows us to see what his grandfather was like as a child, as a soldier in WW2, as a newlywed, and and as an old man. So far it’s a fascinating book, both in terms of how Chabon details the complex characters of both grandparents, and also in how he tackles the hazy nature of memory and truth. It’s never clear just how much of the book is actually true, the characters are never actually named (it’s just ‘my grandfather’ or ‘my mother’) so it could all be 100% fiction. I tend to lean into it mostly being true, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter does it? As is usual with Chabon, the writing here is very strong, with some very beautiful sentences and moments. The fact that we know that the central characters here die at the very outset makes everything, particularly the romance, bittersweet, and Chabon nails that. It’s interesting, but the book I keep comparing this to is Pynchon’s Gravity’s Rainbow. Both books are about V2 rockets in WW2, but one is a weird, sprawling epic, whereas the other is an intimate character piece. It just shows how different writers can approach the same topic in completely differing ways. I don’t think Moonglow is quite as good as Kavalier and Clay, but what is? It’s still a very good book and I am excited to read the rest of it.

Games

After going months, nay, years, with no games section, I now have 2 games to write about! You wait for a bus…

Anyway, along with Zelda, I’ve now also bought Mario Kart 8 Deluxe (Nintendo Switch 2017) and whilst I haven’t played it a whole lot, is a whole lot of fun, because, well, it’s Mario Kart! Those games are always fun, the more things change, the more things stay the same. They may have added a boat-load of new characters (including Link, which is weird) and added a bunch of bells and whistles and para-gliders onto the Karts, but it’s basically the same game I’ve been playing since the N64, a mad-cap race on some insane courses. I haven’t played every track yet, but I’m getting there. One thing I really appreciate about this particular version is that you can use a single Switch Joycon as a controller, so I didn’t need to shell (heh) out £60 for another controller in order to play multiplayer. I’ve always enjoyed playing against someone else who’s actually in the room over online, so that’s a huge plus, not just for Mario Kart but for the Switch in general if future games follow suit. Mario Kart is hard to really talk about critically because it’s so pure at what it is, but I do love it. And who do I play as you ask? Yoshi of course, always Yoshi. Although sometimes Toad.

As for The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild (Nintendo Switch 2017) I’ve spent most of my recent time trying in vain to capture and train horses. I’ve really been embracing the freedom the game provides to do things in whatever order I want. I haven’t even gone to Kakariko Village yet! I’m probably a bad player, but I don’t mind, I’m having a lot of fun and the game is still as beautiful and clever as ever. There’s a real romance to this game, I find it an emotional and exhilarating experience to play.

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So that’s your lot, hope you enjoyed it. I’ll be back in about a month with some more. It’s summer, so expect there to be a lot less TV and maybe just a whole lot less of everything if this weather keeps up! Although you can take Switches outside…