#I wasn't going to let myself dwell them for too long or I'd never actually answer this

[aceghostsarchive]

2, 12, 22 and 32 from the fifty (more) rook questions pls!

Thank you for sending these in! I had fun diving into some of the scenes.

fifty (more) questions for rook

A scene from Rook’s year with Varric and Lace:

“Aren’t you a good boy?” Zalan praises, scratching the chestnut mabari behind his ear. He confidently barks, sticking his chest out proudly; He is a good boy. Behind them, someone giggles. “Didn’t know you were such a fan of mabari,” Harding says, as Zalan stands up. The mabari leans against their leg, begging for more pets, and Zalan rubs his head. “They’re good dogs. I know a few wardens at Weisshaupt who had them.” Dogs were loyal, faithful creatures, but mabaris were different. The ones they met at Weisshaupt were utterly loyal and devoted to their owners; always by their side through thick and thin. It wasn’t unheard of for a mabari to follow their warden into the deep roads when the calling came. “I always wanted one since I was a kid.” Kind of like the Hero of Ferelden or other wardens of legend.

“Really?” Zalan nods as Harding asks, “How come you never had one? Was it because of the circle? Zalan tenses; an adopted qunari in the Anderfels was definitely not going to have a mabari. It would have drawn too much attention, and they already drew too much attention as a lone qunari, trying to hide their magic. The mabari gently nudges his head against Zalan’s hand, and they swallow, playing off the bitter memory. “Couldn’t have one because it was too cold. I grew up in the mountains of the Anderfels; a mabari wouldn’t do well there.” The only dogs Zalan grew up around were livestock guardian dogs with thick fur so white that they almost seemed to blend into the snow. “And every time a mabari became available at Weisshaupt, I was out in the field. What about you? You're Ferelden; you must have had one.” Before she can answer, Varric steps out of the Tavern. “Got our next lead on Chuckles;” He smirks as his eyes settle on the mabari, “Recruiting a new team member, Rook?” Smirking back at Varric, they tease, “We already decided that he’s getting your bed roll and rations.” Varric laughs. “You sure about that? Seems like the type of dog to kick you out of your own bed roll.” The mabari barks affirmatively, and the three let out a laugh. “Come on, we have to go.” Zalan gives the mabari a final scratch behind the ear, “You be good, okay?” The mabari whines, almost as if he’s sad to see them go. As they follow Varric and Harding, Zalan casts one final backward glance towards the mabari, who wags his tail as he locks eyes with Zalan. “After we stop Solas,” Harding says, falling into step with Zalan, “You should come with me to Ferelden; we’ll get you a real mabari.” They break out into a wide grin. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

(That definitely doesn't hurt considering what happens to Harding in my playthrough. 😭)

An argument between Rook and their LI(s):

(Context: I imagine this takes place before Zalan and Emmrich actually get together.)

“Bellara, you think you can get that Artifact working?” She nods, a determined glint in her eye. “I can do it. Someone will need to distract the guardian; I won't be able to fix the artifact with it attacking.” That’s all Zalan needs to hear. “Emmrich, go with Bellara. You watch her back if anyone tries to sneak up on her while she’s fixing it.” “And you are?” Emmrich asks, a hint of anxiety in his voice. “Playing the distraction.” Not the first time they’ve played the distraction, and certainly not the last. As they go to vault themself over the wall, Emmrich grabs their right wrist, pulling them back down into a crouch. “Are you certain that’s the best course of action?” They’re touched by the concern in his voice, but this plan will work; Zalan knows it. If the large guardian is focused on them, it won’t be aiming for Bellara, and they can’t risk anyone getting to her while she’s working. “We should-.” “No,” Zalan replies curtly, “I can do this. Trust me.” Does he not trust them to do this? “It’s not a matter of trust, but rather getting yourself killed. You cannot face it on your-.” Bellara nervously cuts in. “Maybe-.” “We don’t have time for this.” Every second they waste is another chance for someone to get hurt, another dereliction of their duty. Slipping out of Emmrich’s grasp, Zalan commands, “Get ready to run for the artifact.” With that, they vault themself over the wall, running towards the guardian. They whistle sharply, fully gaining the guardian’s attention as it turns toward them. Hefting its battle axe, the guardian descends upon them. It swings, blade whistling in the air. Zalan’s spell orb crackles in their hand as they duck under the large blade. Please, please let Bellara succeed. Eventually, Bellara must succeed as they hear the artifact right itself with a loud pop. “Rook,” Bellara yells from behind, “we’ve got it-.” Zalan turns to face her, a rookie mistake, one they should know better than to make. Taking advantage of the distraction, the guardian swings its axe, catching Zalan in the side with the flat side of the blade, sending them flying. As they land a few feet away, someone screams their nickname, the sound of a fight resuming. A few moments later, the fight ends with Bellara and Emmrich rushing over to them. “I’m-,” a pained wheeze escapes Zalan as they get up onto their feet, “fine.” “We need to get you to the lighthouse-.” “What were you thinking? You could have gotten killed.” Emmrich sounds terrified. "You should have-." “Not the first time I’ve nearly gotten myself killed.” They had far too many close calls, far too many to be comfortable with. “But this might be the first time I’ve gotten lectured by someone so handsome.” Emmrich’s eyes widen, stunned by their shameless, perhaps inappropriate flirting. Bellara, wisely, chooses this moment to intervene. “Come on. Back to the lighthouse we go.”

(As always, Zalan picks the worst time to start flirting. I like to imagine quite a few of Zalan and Emmrich's arguments focus on Zalan's attempts to downplay the very real danger they face rather than acknowledging it.)

In Rook’s opinion, was the best meal Bellara prepared? And Lucanis?

Zalan really enjoyed the Tevinter Khachapuri that Bellara made. What can they say? They’re a sucker for cheese and bread.

Zalan is a fan of anything that Lucanis cooks. (It's always a good night when he cooks.) They always enjoy the desserts that he makes.

Did Rook uncover Solas’s memories? Any particular revelation shake them especially?

Yep. Zalan managed to find all the wolf statues and uncover all his memories. Solas's memories were certainly something, but the revelation about the Blight really shook them as a Grey Warden. All the destruction caused by the blight-families torn apart, lands inhabitable, lives destroyed-could have been avoided if Solas had stood up to Mythal and the Evanuris. Zalan knows they can't change the past, but they can stop Solas and the Evanuris, no matter what.

[katyusha454]

I had a fucked-up nightmare about Shar and now I'm going to inflict it on Tumblr

gonna slap a CW on this because Shar is The Worst™ and there's some pretty disturbing stuff under the cut

In the dream I was me, except it turned out I wasn't who I thought I was. I was a former Sharran who'd defected and fled through a magic portal to Earth to escape Shar's wrath, then used the last of my magic to re-write my own memories so I could live a normal life. This worked fine until playing BG3 started to trigger repressed memories, and remembering that Shar was real somehow allowed her to find me and drag me back to Faerûn. And she was not happy about all these un-Sharran opinions I'd developed from living on Earth. I wasn't important to her the way Shadowheart was, so she didn't use the "complete memory wipe plus magic shock collar" approach that she did with Shadowheart because I wasn't worth the effort of fully reprogramming. Instead she gave me a bunch of magic tattoos that would allow her to control me, and told me that if I ever stepped out of line again she'd force me to kill myself. And she reminded me that in the Forgotten Realms, if you swear to serve a god and then betray them without joining a new religion, when you die the god of the dead will consider you Faithless and False and sentence you to eternal torture. That was such a frightening prospect to me that I "willingly" chose to serve Shar again because at least oblivion was preferable to torture. Then she dropped me at the cloister in Baldur's Gate and told the Mother Superior to re-train me. Somehow this was taking place before the events of BG3 so Shadowheart was still living at the cloister but I didn't tell her any of what I knew because I didn't want to risk pissing off Shar. The dream gets real fuzzy and I don't remember what all I did while I was there but I know I did some awful things and felt guilty about it. I never tried to befriend Shadowheart because I didn't want to risk letting her know about something she wasn't supposed to know about or that hadn't happened yet. Eventually I got assigned to Shadowheart's team that went to steal the prism from the Githyanki and I was captured by mind flayers along with Shadowheart. The dream ended with her and I trying to escape from the nautiloid.

I think one of the scariest parts was just being around Shadowheart at the end, because I knew every possible outcome but I couldn't risk telling her any of it and I was agonizing over how to handle everything that was to come. I figured it was too late for anyone to save me from Shar but there was still a chance to save her, but I couldn't be the one to do it. Would I be able to get away with just keeping quiet and letting her make her own decisions, or would Shar want me to actively step in? And how the FUCK was I going to explain my own situation to everyone once we inevitably got outed as Sharrans? Would explaining things by itself be enough to anger Shar? How much attention was Shar actually paying to what I did? It gave me so much anxiety.

And I'm not sure if this was actually explained to me in the dream or if I just came up with the idea myself while thinking about it after waking, but I think the reason Shar didn't mind-wipe me was that she knew that even though I was resigned to my fate my spirit wasn't 100% broken yet. She wanted me to dwell on everything I'd lost and she knew that if she let me wallow in my sorrows long enough eventually I'd beg her to take my memories away once I'd lost that last little glimmer of hope. She wanted me to ask her for it. The only thing Shar ever explicitly forced on me was dragging me back to Toril; everything else was, to quote Raphael, "you're free to choose the only option you have left". It was technically true that "only the willing may know the Lady's embrace", but she had a very, shall we say, "flexible" definition of "willing".

[free--therapy]

It's anon!

Thank you so much for all the kind words and advice, it always helps a lot!!

Also, you mentioned how me dwelling on the "negative thoughts again and again" led to a big part of my mind ending up believing them to be true. And honestly you don't know how much I needed to hear that! Thank you really 😭

I'd been having an especially rough rough time since yesterday and today I just read something on twitter that really set off my guilt and overthinking related to it about one of the topics I've worried extensively about over the last two years and again, since this afternoon, my mind has found new angles to that thought to worry about and it's been crazy.

Honestly, it's crazy how the mind can try to find non-existent "connections" or "proofs" just to try to convince me of certain intrusive thoughts and what ifs. And I swear it seems so real, no matter how absurd it might be, that it becomes almost impossible to leave the thought alone sometimes.

Like sometimes, it feels like just telling or reminding myself that "you know that thought isn't true, let it go" or reminding myself "no matter how many times this thought comes, let it pass and move on" just doesn't work you know? Because it feels like I'm just denying the obvious or something 😭 Even I'm amazed sometimes by how realistic or catastrophic the worry seems. Like it might be about the smallest thing (like what I like in a game) and yet seem like the most threatening life-ruining thing ever.

When I take some distance from the whole thinking, I can see how it's so minor and stupid honestly but yet if I do get too entangled with it, the details end up contradicting and stuff and it just ends up becoming this complex web which seems like I'd never escape from it or something. It's weird.

This might be me venting honestly but can these thoughts just go away because I know you're (the thoughts) not true and I know whatever you're (the thoughts) trying to convince me of is not what I am. I know I'm fine and I know it's just overthinking.

Oh but I've realised the worse the setback is the more the negative thoughts seem more realistic. In fact, the deeper I am in a spiral, the more out-of-touch the thoughts seem from my actual reality. What I mean is...say on my second or third day of a spiral or even the first week or so (after a good period), it's much easier for me to rationalise and let go of the thoughts but like after a month or so of a spiral, it's comparatively harder to get myself out because I've gotten too used to the overthinking by that point. So in that sense, the longer I spend worrying or overthinking, the more I get used to it and that also ends up increasing the frequency and absurdity of the thoughts too. Which is a bit scary if I have to be honest with you.

I mean, the negative thoughts flow more freely and in general, the thoughts get more negative or absurd/crazy/weird or even the smallest of negative thoughts can throw me in a loop when I'm weeks or months into a spiral as compared to the first few days of the spiral.

Is this something that commonly happens?

Hey Anon,

Thanks for your patience as I wasn't able to get to your asks sooner. You are so very welcome!

Yes, the mind is SO good at making connections with just about anything, it's crazy! But also so unhelpful when you're trying to figure out which ones are real.

The reason why they can affect you so much is because the part of your brain that is regulating the fight-or-flight mode/anxiety is always on high alert for danger so even thoughts (no matter how small they can seem) end up feeling like such a big deal and turns on your survival mode into high gear. By challenging your thoughts, you're essentially telling your brain that the worry you're having in the moment is not as big of a threat as say a car that's coming your way that you have to jump out of the way so you don't get hit.

The negative thoughts flow so freely because you've been so used to thinking them for so long, so it's all you know. That is why I believe having different perspectives on things is so helpful. The more you can see things differently, the easier it'll be for you to consider some new thoughts instead of the same ones you keep going back to over and over again.

[bellemcrte]

Two right and only half full of shit? Was it her birthday and she forgot? She's studying that damned napkin like it grew a second head. He'd said no O. Gilded Thread? Guided Thread? That made absolutely no sense for a nickname. It couldn't possibly be. Still, she'd put her entire trust fund on either being right. And boy, did she love being right.

"G." She's going to guess it, to be sure, because those were the rules laid out before her. "If your special magic phrase is guided or gilded thread, I'm going to save my questions, make my way back to that dance floor, and disappear into the crowd."

"If I'm wrong, I'll still have one more guess, given I only used four letters. G, I, U, and L, and that's only if none of them are right, but I'm going to be gracious with myself and say for sure at least one of them is." She is going to need a lot more than water to get her brain turning over properly. "I'm not guessing A or H yet. So, it doesn't count. Unless it is Guided or Gilded Thread, and if that's so, I'll take my prize as promised."

She settles back from the paper, meeting his gaze and somehow sinking. Everything shifted further and closer again. Whatever she'd been planning to say; what she'd planned to counter, slipped for a moment. Long enough for her to notice, to be sure, but not long enough to call him on it. Something else she'd blame on the alcohol if she sits and thinks with it.

"What will I do with my victory, huh? I'm pretty sure I get six questions with full honesty, boss. That's powerful stuff right there. I could, in theory, solve world hunger with your help, and there'd be nothing you could do about it." She won't. Truthfully, she wasn't sure what she'd ask him. Part of her liked letting him dwell among the shadows of her evening; a nameless face who'd offered her a game and conversation.

The rest of her? Much too curious for her own good.

"It's like you said, you like keeping your importance to a minimum, and that, I won't take from you." She quips, fingers drumming again. "I could, if I won, ask you just who you are and how you've managed to keep everyone at a distance from us from your presence alone, but that seems like it would ruin the fun of the evening. There's no promise you'll ever see me again after tonight." A fair assessment. She travels with a company along the east coast. Boston, New York City, Baltimore, and many more in-between. Such is the life of a principle dancer.

"It's almost a shame, isn't it? That we all hide who we are to be digestible to people we've never met? And why should we do it? We may only be ourselves in that one place, but we're all guilty of preferring to be what others want of us." It was gone again. The music. The presence of anyone but him and her. She's pretty sure it's just the tequila and not actually possible for any of it to swim away from her like that.

"I've solved nothing, either. Your riddle, maybe, but I'm just taking note of the things I see. Shit, boss, I'm almost drunk enough to believe in divine timing and fate. The right place. The right pieces falling so I'd catch your gaze from across a sea of bodies and be the one you're entertaining until the game ends." She snorts at herself. "I'm not, though. That drunk, I mean. Me that drunk would've crawled into your lap and started making out with you by way of greeting."

Gods damn. He’s fucked with her one too many times already; when she calls out his undrained glass, he has to laugh, dropping his head. Alright, alright! When they know, they know—and he’s not on the hook for “exposing humanity to the maws of the divine.” Dio almost drops the act, but Dena keeps going and he realizes, belatedly, that she thinks it’s a power play, and it’s in that moment that he also remembers she’s quite drunk—a fact he’d almost forgotten, tied up in all of these many games as he is.

Cleverness, see? Always his downfall. Pretty eyes and a sharp mind. Dio laughs when he’s called out, realizing they are now, in fact, playing four games: hangman, bullshit, mental chess, and whatever game Fate’s playing with them. Is anyone winning around here?

“And here I thought beauty was in the eye of the beholder, and not just skin-deep. You’re right about pretty women. I haven’t gone down once because of a pretty woman. But this is at least time number two because of a clever one.” Dio winks and picks up the offending wine glass, holding it up in the air between them. “Three D’s: there, there, and there.

“And half-shit all around, sweetheart: for one thing, I’m bored with the response, but it’s hardly swooning.” To the best of his recollection, it’s never been swooning, despite cocky lines to the contrary. “But don’t take it too personally, huh? I’ve made a habit of downplaying my—significance, was that your word? No—importance. I’ve made a habit of downplaying my importance outside of certain spaces. You know how it is, right? All good pretenders do.”

There’s a sense now that he isn’t speaking only of himself, eyes locked on hers, dragging her in. The music grows distant, muffled by the weight of a truth shared by many. “You’ve got exactly one place where you don’t get to escape into the facade of your own making—the place that made you. Usually, you don’t get to be the same person when you’re there as you do when you’re anywhere else. I own who I was when I’m there.” Dio leans back and the music rushes to fill the space he leaves when he does, the spell breaking, parted seas joyously reuniting.

“But nobody here really knows who that is, so why spoil it?

“Besides, the truth’s important to me,” he admits honestly, cautious to leave his wine sipped from and not drained this time as he hides it away to keep her attention off it. Certain things require deception, making honesty a luxury he revels in when he can. “One T,” he adds, pointing on the page.

_ _ _ D E D T _ _ E _ D

X: O (1/6)

“Y’know—you’re the first person to point out the sweet tooth thing. Never really thought of it that way. I know you said not to bother pointing out when you’re onto something, but you’re onto something there. Maybe I should get a therapist, look into that. Or maybe you should, for noticing that,” he teases. It’s cute that she thinks he’s got the in on whatever the grand plan here is when he’s just as much a pawn in it as her. …mmm, maybe more of a bishop or a knight, all things considered. Still just a piece in the game, not a player, but not exactly a pawn, either.

“Besides, for all your talk about me winning, you’re the one pulling ahead. Whatcha gonna do with your questions? I mean—you’ve got this figured out otherwise, right? Be a shame if you wasted them all fact-checking puzzles you’ve already solved.”

[lepusrufus]

Double edged scalpel ch.10

Ch1 ch2 ch3 ch4 ch5 ch6 ch7 ch8 ch9

Summary: scary moms are scary

---

Nicole stilled.

Moms.

Well this just got a million times worse.

Surprisingly enough, Nicole could count on her fingers the times she had crossed paths with either of the Ladies. Lady Dimitrescu was often busy and not bothering with the staff. Most things that needed communicated went through the Steward. Mistress Esteria was, as some would call her, a ghost. She preferred her solitude or time with family so it wasn't unheard of for new staff members to take months before they even see her around the castle. Paired with Nicole's job that had her in the dungeons almost all the time, she never got an actual introduction to either of them.

Not that she complained. It didn't take a genius to realize that both women were to be feared.

I think I'd like to bleed out now.

"What about?" Her voice was barely audible, due to fear or pain was anyone's guess.

"... I don't know." Cassandra's quiet voice mimicked her own.

"Should I assume it is about your um… choice of partners?"

The realization that, to anyone outside Cassandra, she was little more than a maid turned butcher hit Nicole almost as much as the bullet that until not long ago was wedged into her flesh. Would they forbid Cassandra from seeing her? Or perhaps decide that Nicole has committed an unspeakable offense to their family and punish her? She gulped and Cassandra's reply wasn't of much help either.

"I don't know," she repeated.

Nicole sighed, a slow drawn out exhale, all too aware of the pain it would cause otherwise. "When?"

"Soon. They told me to let them know when you wake up."

Nicole just nodded and laid back into the cushions. May as well be comfortable before facing death. But Cassandra didn't move. Instead, she interlocked their fingers and brought Nicole's hand to her lips, leaving a kiss on bony knuckles. They stayed like that, silently, for a full minute before Cassandra got up and, with a be right back, exited the room.

Left alone, Nicole looked down at herself once more. To say she looked awful was an understatement. Definitely not going to rely on appearance to make a good impression. The painkiller was also yet to do its job and any movement still shot jolts of pain through her body. Wonderful.

It wasn't long before the door opened again and Cassandra came in followed by Lady Dimitrescu, her trademark hat making her look even taller and more intimidating than she already was. Immediately behind, Mistress Esteria took light steps, her long white hair flowing behind her like a silky mantle.

They looked so in contrast with each other, and it went beyond the almost opposite color schemes. While the Lady had the expression of a mother about to scold her child for carelessly running up the stairs and scraping a knee, the Mistress looked about to take out the bandaids. Her eyes, blue and gray, looked at her with something akin to kindness.

"What's your name dear?"

God her voice sounded like rivers deep in the forest. Flowing and ancient and just as powerful as she probably was.

"Nicole," she gulped.

The Mistress came to a stop right by the bed, tall frame bending down and grabbing Nicole's chin between two fingers. She moved her head from one side to the other and hummed.

"My my, what a pretty face. You've always had quite the taste in women, love." She looked at Cassandra who only nodded stiffly.

Then, she was up again and moving towards the other matriarch, who by now was sitting in an armchair. The Mistress leaned on the armrest, opting to ignore the many other places to sit and Nicole had to wonder for a moment if they were the clingy type. What an oddly human trait.

A long drag of a cigarette was drawn out before golden eyes finally fell on Nicole and the Lady spoke.

"I was actually surprised to learn about how… deeply Cassandra cares about you. To actually come to me and ask for help saving your life." She narrowed her eyes slightly, just enough for it to be a clear warning. "I sure hope such kindness was not wasted on you."

Sensing where this conversation was going, Nicole groaned internally. Of all things, she would rather not have the break my daughter's heart and I'll break your legs conversation with Cassandra's mothers while a damn hole in her abdomen was still sending waves of pain through her body if she didn't move just right. In her defense, the painkiller was yet to kick in and there's only so much holding her tongue she can do while in pain.

"With all due respect my Ladies, I'd rather throw myself off the highest tower in this castle than pretend to love Cassandra. Have you met her."

That got a snort from the brunette, who quickly masked it with a cough. The Mistress however laughed. A melodic laugh that, in another situation, would be the most soothing thing.

"Oh dear. While the reassurance is appreciated, we do trust Cassandra's judgement."

"For the most part," Lady Dimitrescu added, eyes still narrowed.

"And we would love to have you for dinner soon," the Mistress went on, ignoring the small glare from her wife.

Another drag of the cigarette. "Well anyways. We didn't come here for a welcoming party. We'd like to make you a proposal."

Judging by Cassandra's furrowed brows, she probably knew as little about this as Nicole did. A proposal from Lady Dimitrescu could either be wonderful news or a death sentence. She couldn't help a gulp when the Lady continued.

"Contrary to popular belief, I do care about my staff. At least those who prove themselves useful." The cigarette was finally done and now Nicole had the luck of having her full attention. "And, as you may have guessed, medical training is not particularly common around here. I do happen to want a castle physician, a position that could be filled by someone skilled that also has a good reason to do a good job and be loyal to my family."

Wait what-

Nicole blinked in confusion, an expression mimicked by Cassandra. Did she mean…?

Lady Dimitrescu raised an eyebrow. "Do you accept?"

"Y- yes." The words spilled from her mouth without a second thought. And why would she have second thoughts after all?

Lady Dimitrescu watched her for a long moment. Then, when she seemed pleased with her findings, she rose to her feet.

"Very well. We will discuss the technicalities once you're in a better state. Now try not to bleed out before you even start your job. And," she sighed, "you are expected at dinner as soon as you're able to join us."

The last part caused her wife's lips to turn into a warm smile. The Lady simply turned around and ducked out of the room while Mistress Esteria lingered by Cassandra. She whispered something only the brunette could hear and then leaned in to kiss her forehead. The Mistress had a couple inches on Cassandra, which meant she was towering over Nicole. Then, with a smile in her direction, she too was out of the room, leaving only the two of them to stare at the door in disbelief.

"Well that went… well."

"Oh for the love of Mother Miranda," Cassandra sighed in relief, hands running through her hair.

Her shoulders lost their tension when she came to sit by Nicole's side, a smile now present on thin black lips.

"Your mothers seem… lovely women."

"Shut up you were scared shitless."

There goes Nicole's attempt at being polite. Not that Cassandra was wrong by all means, but part of her wanted to be on good terms with her lover's family. Maybe it was simply due to her relationship with the brunette, maybe it was due to how her own family never seemed to care much for each other. Not the way the Dimitrescus did, despite how they were seen as monsters by most outside eyes. She didn't let herself dwell on it, instead she took one of Cassandra's hands and started to play with slender fingers.

"Are you hungry? I can ask Cynthia to fix something for you."

Nicole smiled at the effort to make her feel better. She would never get tired of seeing Cassandra's caring and gentle side, especially when she knew how ruthless she could be otherwise.

"In a bit. I'm waiting for the painkiller to fully kick in so I can actually sit up."

Cassandra nodded and looked to the side, seemingly lost in some kind of thought. Nicole wanted to ask what got the brunette pensive all of a sudden, but before she could, golden eyes snapped back to her.

"Also. Don't you dare jump in front of a bullet for me ever again. It wouldn't have hurt me anywhere near as much as it hurt you."

There was a subtle growl in her voice that would have scared any other person. But Nicole recognized how the anger was just veiled worry at how much worse their situation could’ve gotten.

"Sorry. I just saw him with the gun and panicked." There was a reason she didn't pursue her father's idea of becoming a surgeon after all, and pissing him off was only part of it. "And I'm glad you didn't get hurt at all."

Cassandra narrowed her eyes, but her expression quickly softened. The big bad sadist couldn’t stay mad at her lover and Nicole almost teased her about it, but a gloved hand slowly caressing her cheek stopped her.

“I’m just happy you’re alive.”

[tasteofgummies]

hey, that dynamic thing sounds very cute!! 👀 i'd like to request Mista + nsfw for the prompt. i'm nb and use he/him, my sign is taurus, and i'm studying illustration and am working towards my dream job of being a concept artist someday! lookswise: i'm pretty short, AFAB, and i like punk fashion. i love playing video games, listening to music, watching anime, and making fanart in my free time. i love going for walks at night/stargazing. i'm pretty laid back, also very introverted, but once i really connect with someone i want to talk with them all the time, and i'm a little clingy. i also love cuddling/physical touch, and cheesy romantic things! possessiveness is also a bonus for me 😊 i would definitely want to spoil the shit outta my f/o, like cooking meals at home and giving surprise gifts once in a while, but i'd also love to be spoiled in return. i do struggle a little with fears that i might be inadequate, and trauma from previous abusive relationships that might bleed over to new ones. uhh i have some body image issues from scars of physical abuse (from a past relationship) that make me very hesitant to show my body to anyone else. however, i don't like to dwell or think on that too much, and throw myself into my art whenever things get really bad.

whew, i hope that's not too long 😅 thank you for doing these requests!! i love scrolling through your writing 💗💗

Mista x you ✨

•This himbo loves you and will try to do anything to spend time with you

•He admires your art, and how you can express though it, and will say it very often, all the time, actually

•He didn't knew what was so special about stargazing, but when he tried it with you, he felt so joyful, mostly because he was with you

•After enjoying stargazing, he decides to try your other hobbies together!

•You said you love cuddling? you better be true, because he's not letting you go, Mista is such a clingy guy with you, and gets a little jealous if you're being touchy with other person

•Mista loves your details a lot, he's not very used to be treated like that, he wasn't lucky in love until he met you, he is normally rejected unless they know his reputation in passione, or even just know he's in passione, seems to attract a lot, he had a couple of one-night stands with that kind of people, but never something romantic and cute like you

•As i said, Mista is not a virgin, but he isn't a playboy either, he knows some basic sex things... But this man be horny, very very horny

•He acts like he's such a seductive expert, but he is not, the first time he saw you naked, was like "ahaha your handsome, your body is handsome, i mean, can a body be handsome? I just think your body look so good, uh... is not like i'm saying your face isn't!" But of course this is in the beginning, then he becames much more outgoing and shameless

•A few of his kinks are: gunplay of course, but is not a must, he knows his s/o may be into softer stuff, lingerie on his s/o, but in fact, is way more enjoyable when it's a surprise, and exhibitionism, he just really like the danger of being caught, and if it happens, he knows everyone will be looking at you two, knowing that you're his

•Jealous Mista has two moods: "you love them more than me! *Pouting*", "take your pants off. No asks"

•Ok, this guy may have pretty "straight-cheap-pornmovie" kind of fantasies, but he's more than willing to take care of you in bed, and make you feel like the goddam king you are, he thinks your body is a masterpiece and you should know it, no matter if you got any ""imperfections""

•Doesn't understand how someone that had the luck of being with you could hurt you, it just don't fit in his head, after you tell this to him, he'll be more protective than usual, and if you get emotional, he's there to hold you. Also, Sex pistols are really fucking pissed after knowing that, they are ready to search for every single person that caused you harm and do what bullets do.

•"Is hard for me to know how, but i will love you and protect you every second of my life, because if you leave me, then i'm not alive anymore"

[vkookjamz]

⋆☽Kitten☾⋆

|| Prologue. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

| 𝐽𝑢𝑛𝑔𝑘𝑜𝑜𝑘 𝑥 𝐶𝑎𝑡-𝐻𝑦𝑏𝑟𝑖𝑑 𝐹𝑒𝑚𝑎𝑙𝑒 𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑒𝑟 |

"𝘉-𝘉𝘢𝘣𝘺 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭..?"

𝘑𝘶𝘯𝘨𝘬𝘰𝘰𝘬'𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯. 𝘈𝘭𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩, 𝘰𝘥𝘥𝘭𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩, 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘢 𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘺𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦..

---------------------------------------------------

Y/n's POV

It had been about an hour or so after breakfast, the rest of Bangtan and you were in Jin's black truck driving out to the mall.

Tae suggested to head out shopping for you some proper clothes after everyone finished a very awkward breakfast and got ready.

Perhaps he wanted a little something from Gucci for himself since you saw him grab his own wallet humming Gucci Gang before he walked out the door-

You were excited to go, not that you weren't used to it. Now you wouldn't have to worry about keeping up with the guys since- you were human. Well, somewhat at least.

Jin was driving with Namjoon in the passenger seat beside him, swiping through his phone listening to music.

You sat between Hoseok and Jimin in the second row, while Jungkook, Taehyung, and Yoongi sat together in the back.

"Why is it I have to sit in the back?! I called shotgun" Tae complained with a whine crossing his arms.

"I'm oldest and it's my car so I say who sits where" Jin shrugged glaring at Tae through the rearview mirror, who was glaring back.

"But it's not fairrrrrrr Namjoon always sits in the front! I always get stuck in the back!"

"Aish Tae-" Namjoon was cut off.

"Taehyung shut up. You've been complaining the past twenty minutes and where you're seated isn't gonna change" Jungkook seemed even more irritated than before he'd left the dorms.

"Jungkook don't say what I'm meant to say- but yes Taehyung, what he said" Jin nodded with a hum, focusing his eyes back on the road.

You bit your lip feeling your ears hang low in a small wave of sadness at Jungkook's aggressive mood.

"Hey Jungkook-ah don't be so grouchy you're making y/n's ears go down and look gloomy.." Jimin spoke glancing at you next to him.

Smiling softly as he spoke, he reached to give your head a pat sweetly to cheer you up. "Oh wait- her ears!!"

"What about them Joon? They are up now don't worry she's happy" Hoseok beamed, joining Jimin in stroking your head.

Namjoon shook his head and sighed waving off Hoseok's attempt to reassure him. "No I mean we need to hide her ears, and face actually- "

Your ears once again hung low. What was the problem with them- and your face too?? They were probably ashamed.. "Is something wrong with me??"

"Ah Joonie you're right- No y/n, it's just that we are used to going out in public with cat you- not half cat you-" Jin explained after seeing your worry.

Tae let out a quiet sigh muttering, "Hybrid... "

Jin whipped his head to look at the younger in the backseat, who was now curled up "HUSH TAEHYUNG-"

"Don't feel bad or worry princess- it's just for your protection and so nobody will start any rumors about all of us with some girl- which happens to be you" Namjoon finished, giving you a smile.

Suddenly you jumped squeaking as a grey beanie landed in your lap, having been thrown to you from behind.

"Wow what a generous way to hand something to her" Yoongi's words laced with sarcasm.

Turning around, you sat on your knees facing the back row to see a head shaking Yoongi and a mid eye roll Jungkook.

Why was he so grumpy- He'd never spoken so rude to Taehyung before, and now throwing things at you?

Before, he would coo your name and give you things when you wanted- sometimes you didn't even have to ask. Jungkook would just randomly treat you with thoughtful gifts.

Although it didn't seem like that sweet caring side of him would be present any time soon.

He reached up to hand his black face mask, both of your fingers brushed against each other softly in the process of you taking it gently from his grip. "Just wear my hat and mask to hide yourself until we get there and I'll buy a new one for you"

Unknowingly, you had begun to purr, causing Jungkook to lick his lips at you, quickly returning to his grouchy state. Leaving you to turn back around putting on the hat.

'Aish Jungkook.. '

Sighing, you let go of the cold interaction turning to look at Hoseok with a fresh cheeky smile as you cupped your face.

"How does it look Hobi??" squealing in his own excitement at your cute appearance, he returned your smile by sharing his own brightly.

"AIGOOOO Y/N-AHHH YOU LOOK SO PRECIOUS!! Yah Jimin-ah! Look how cute!!" reaching out, Hoseok squished your hands against your cheeks with his own so you made a puffy fish face.

Continuing to giggle playing along with the two, having Jungkook watch jealously the entire time.

~Time Skippy~

Jungkook's POV

I mentally sighed watching her, she seemed so happy and playful with Hobi and Jimin.

Why couldn't I bring myself to be that way with her too? It's not that I'm really angry at her..

Just- everytime I look at her.. No. Stop it Jungkook. She's your baby girl. Don't think like that!

"You're not good with girls at all are you Kookie?" turning I faced Yoongi who wore a slight smirk.

I huffed shaking my head looking the other way. Why is he still testing me? I already told him everything.

*flashback*

"Because she's mine".

The older raised his eyebrow slightly then crossing his arms. Pursing his lips he looked at Jungkook in an inquisitive state of mind.

"She's not an object Jungkook, she's a living thing with a mind of her own. Also, if you care so deeply for her still, why is it you've been acting like you're absolutely disgusted by her very presence?"

Jungkook sighed rubbing his fingers against across forehead, taking a seat back down on the couch. Placing his head into his hands running his fingers through his now messy hair.

Yoongi had never seen the boy so stressed. Without permission he sat beside him, resting the sides of his elbows on his knees while cupping his hands in front of him.

The younger kept is gaze averted down, "Hyung.. I just don't know how I feel about her. Or if I'm even supposed to, and I get so frustrated because all I want is to understand.. "

"Jungkook-ah, I of all people understand how you feel towards y/n. I saw it in your face when I decided to test your nerves" Yoongi chuckled earning a frown from the boy beside him.

Jungkook sat up properly, looking back at you with the other members. All laughing and having pancakes.

Giving a sympathetic smile, Yoongi rested his hand on his shoulder. "Kook you really need to talk to her. Soon. I see her ears droop more and more by the second with the way you keep treating her"

"I'm afraid- I'm afraid I'll mess up with her and I don't want that.. In the end.. I just want my y/n happy.. But I feel if I try anything it'll be wrong or hurt her" Scrunching up his face the other male, he turned to look at the girl along with Jungkook.

Yoongi sighed sitting up as well, giving his maknae's shoulder a pat while clearing his throat.

"Right now you're not off to a good start, but for now just try and NOT be a dick to her. You don't have to try anything. Just be her appa again" Jungkook nodded slowly pursing his own lips.

Yoongi stared carefully at Jungkook for a moment, his own thoughts keeping him at a loss for words. But deciding to leave to let the other to dwell on what he'd said.

The younger watched as he left, meanwhile he stayed sitting for a bit longer. Observing you.

You were precious to him.

Your smile was as bright as the full moons light, soft and subtle but it could shine through even the purest darkness.

Your laugh contagious to everyone else around you.

You were perfect.

But could he still be your appa..

When he wanted to be more..

*end of flashback*

With a groan I leaned my head back against the seat, only to quickly sit back up upon feeling my pocket vibrate.

I pulled my phone out of my jacket sighing as I unlocked my screen to read the message I had been sent.

My eyes widened slightly with my brows raising along with them, my face contorting into a confused frown as I finished reading.

Thankfully no one could see my first frantic reaction, having been shielded thanks to my black bucket hat.

"Yah, Jungkookie we're almost there so be sure to grab your bad" giving a nod at Tae's words and pat on my shoulder, I slipped my phone back into my pocket letting out a heavy sigh as Jin pulled in a spot to park.

But that message..

"We told you to get rid of her. It's only a matter of time before you see what monster is curled up at your feet"

Who the hell kept texting me. And why is it always about my y/n..

I'd blocked the number each time I received a message. Which wasn't often but still. If it was some sort of prank the joke was long dead.

Soon y/ns smiling face poked from behind her seat as the others were getting out "Jungkook-appa! Are you coming?"

I would try and talk to her. I would put my own deep desires aside. Because in the end it wouldn't matter if I couldn't keep her safe.

"I'm coming kitten.. "

A/n: Sorry if this is a little sloppy, I wasn't sure how to lay it out on here the way I originally did on wattpad~

-ⓙ

[kannra21]

@owishi Asdfghjkhgfds I want to write sum HCs rn! 😆✨✨

~o0o~

After a successful photoshoot the MCPTF duo took for a detective magazine, Haru bashfuly thanked the camera crew for their work and started to gather his belongings. After a couple of seconds he didn't see Daisuke moving much from his spot at the studio backdrop so he decided to check on him.

Daisuke was still standing there, petting a beautiful cat on his shoulders. He was smiling for the first time in a long time and Haru couldn't help himself but to tease him a little.

"You have a soft spot for kittens, huh Kambe?" "Huh?" "You love animals don't you?" "Don't get the wrong idea. Just because I helped that little boy with a dog back the-" "I get it, no need to get so self-defensive." Haru approached the two and pet the cat as well. Daisuke continued "We had a family cat back in the days but she died from a kidney failure." "I'm sorry to hear that." "Pedigree cats are always difficult to maintain."

He then approached the studio producer and asked "What's the name?" while pointing at the purring ball of fluff. "Oh the name's Kumo-" "No, I meant the name of the breed." "It's a Maine Coon my good sir."

Daisuke took his phone, dialed a number and a lovely lady could be heard on the opposite line "Yes, Daisuke-sama?" "Suzue, do we have all the predispositions that satisfy the adoption of a cat?" "I mean yes but we can't charge a butler to take responsibility for everything. Consider chipping, regular visits to the vet, special shampoos, nail clippers, toothbrushes, specialized treats, eye drops, litter box, toys, climbing frames, there are many factors which need to be taken care of Daisuke-sama. Besides, it's been such a long tim-" "Alright"

Daisuke ended the phone call with a dissatisfied sigh before asking quietly "How much?" to which Haru needed to interfere. "Didn't Suzue-san just tell you not to take a cat home?" and Daisuke gave him an annoyed side-glance "I'll figure something out."

When he arrived to the mansion in his Bentley Continental GT, he glanced at the backseat to address the feline comfortably lying in the fancy pet carrier. "You better not make a sound, understood?" to which the cat just purred in satisfaction. Daisuke felt so silly at this moment, like a little boy hiding a broken vase from his mother.

When he was about to enter the mansion, he accidentally walked on Suzue typing something on her tablet. She looked up and was delighted to see Daisuke coming home safe and sound. Daisuke stood at the doors, one side of his body peering from the corner while the other with a cat was hidden behind the wall. "Welcome back Daisuke-sama, the crack-open naengmyeon is already served on the table, you can take your seat." "Actually, I was planning on doing something else beforehand. Would you please excuse me for a moment?" "Of course." Suzue turned around and waited for him in the dining room. And although Daisuke was very good at keeping his serious demeanor, Suzue still noticed that something was off, with the tone of his voice for instance. It was very faint but Suzue was able to recognize things like this since she knew him so well. Still, she decided not to question him about it.

Daisuke entered his room and laid the pet carrier on the floor. Opening the zipper, the cat jumped out and rolled cozily on his bed. Daisuke held his phone and took a picture. He decided that he couldn't leave it by itself so he went downstairs to the storeroom where he took a litter box and filled it with old newspapers just in case.

After that he joined Suzue for lunch, they talked about Daisuke's photoshoot and Suzue's data she collected on certain people regarding a case. Daisuke told her that the magazine will be published in three weeks or so and Suzue was so happy she promised that she'll be the first costumer to buy it. Daisuke smiled more around Suzue after he let go of his past and threw his father into the jail. Now that all the bad things are behind him, he can finally indulge in his life and pay more attention to Suzue to whom he has yet to make up for all she has done for him over the years. He's thinking about marrying her soon.

While they were eating and pleasantly chatting, a high pitched "mrow" could be heard from the upper floor.

"What was that?" Daisuke let out a dry cough and said "My apologies. It seems that I needed to take a thicker coat before leaving for an appointment." "But.. you always pay attention to things like this." "It's true, but today I was a little late, had other things to do." "Don't overwork yourself, you need to think about your health." "Seems like you need to take better care of me.", he said with a smirk plastered on his lips to which Suzue just laughed and replied "You're so spoiled." and he scooted closer to her whispering "But I like it better when you do it.", and almost kissed her before the two heard a soft thud coming from the above.

"Excuse me for a moment, I need to check what's happening up there. Will be right back.", maybe the moment was ruined but he kissed her forehead nonetheless and went upstairs, leaving her full-hearted and all mushy inside. Her mind was so hazed from the thought of Daisuke kissing her forehead and almost kissing her lips that she didn't register the cause of his concern.

When he arrived to his room he had things to behold; scattered papers and documents all over the floor and the ashtray he typically used after his "adventurous nights with Suzue" was lying on the ground right next to the nightstand. The cat was sitting on his working table licking her paw as if nothing of this concerned her in the slightest. Daisuke sighed in disappointment and put her back in her "baby jail". She already gave him such a hard time but he couldn't be angry with her, she was his baby (yes he already considered himself a dad for god's sake).

Since they already finished with their meals, Suzue went back to her tech room to finish her work and Daisuke took the opportunity to place some meat and water on small plates and bring it to his naughty little friend.

The cat calmed down instantly after she ate and went straight to sleep. Daisuke couldn't believe his own eyes, the audacity, the sheer amount of spoilage this creature showed was unreal. It reminded him so much of himself and he smiled a little. He really missed having a cat.

After he cleaned up and finished his other tasks, he laid on the bed next to her and pet her soft white fur, making her purr louder and snuggle up beside him. Daisuke knows that Suzue is not stupid and that she'll eventually catch up on him sneaking behind her back to give Furry Elise treats (yes her name is Furry Elise, "Für Elise" might be one of Beethoven’s best-known piano pieces and Daisuke knows how to play it too).

And it actually happened that same night. Daisuke was about to fill her small plate with more meat when he met Suzue in the kitchen and she asked him what he was doing. He instantly gave up because it would be so blatantly obvious and incredibly stupid of him to say that he was trying out a new weight-losing tip when no one in this god-forsaken world ate raw chicken.

So he took her to his room and showed her Furry Elise. And although the cat purred really loudly upon seeing them, Suzue wasn't happy about it. In fact, she looked really disappointed and Daisuke needed to apologize. He explained her how it happened and how he wished to have a pet after a really long time. He thought she liked cats as well and therefore concluded that it wouldn't be such a big deal to adopt this cute little feline she loved so much, but apparently it was, so he asked her one more time why she was so reluctant to the whole idea of owning a cat again.

Suzue now shredded a couple of tears and Daisuke was seriously alarmed upon seeing her like this so he carefully cupped her with his hand behind her back and hugged her, asking why she was crying all of a sudden.

"It's just.. I don't want to go though this all over again." "What are you talking about?" "You see, my parents died, your parent died, our previous cat died so soon. I'm living in fear every day and asking myself if something's going to happen to you as well, that's why I'm so excessively worrying about you. And everything I need right now is another sweet creature that I love so much leaving us again. I don't think I'd be able to handle it anymore."

"Suzue.. I never thought..", Daisuke kissed her head and felt a big amount of guilt dawning on him. He was so selfish for only thinking about what made him happy without considering Suzue's emotions. But then he reclaimed his mind and tried to concentrate on saying the right thing. Hopefully he can make her feel better again.

"Suzue, my dear, you shouldn't limit yourself to things that make you happy. It's not healthy. You see, none of us is eternal; neither you, nor me, nor this kitten down there looking at you with so much love in her eyes. But for that very reason that none of us is eternal, we should dedicate our time to one another and make most of it. So please don't deny yourself or your feelings. Instead of dwelling on the sad things, we should concentrate more on our time spent together and be happy, okay?"

Even Daisuke didn't know how he managed to word it this nicely but he did and he realized that both of them were crying by now. They shared a passionate kiss but got interrupted by a small furball rubbing on their feet like it wanted to share a hug as well and Suzue smiled through tears.

She squatted and carefully took the cat in her hands. "What's her name?" "Furry Elise." Suzue now needed to laugh so much and she hadn't even recovered from her previous emotional outburst.

"I love it, you're really good at this.. it's.. the song you used to play for me all the time before you went studying overseas."

He looked at her with so much love and adoration at this exact moment.

"Know what? I think I'm falling for you all over again, Mr. Millionaire." Daisuke swore, his heart was full that night and no money could ever compare to this feeling.

@daisuzuship @innovativestruggles @narcopharmacist @unholysoggytea @riaymei @ieatcrumbs @cow-goes-oof @matchabucks @bluegleeful @levi-is-heicho @kakooshi @kokorokai @darknessrxse @fluffyyagiza @geniusmeemee @sungmnnnn @koalarin @alstroemerie @petiamaximoff38 @hellohellokookie @marialenikiforov

It's daisuzu stuff so I hope you enjoy. If you want me to delete your tag you're free to tell me. 👍

[kirobsi]

An Attempt at Reinvention and Optimism

I often get passionate about things in the short-term. I'll see something, hear something, read something... anything, really, and can get mentally stuck on it for a while with this persistent urge to engage in some way. Usually I just want to ramble about it, much like I'm doing here. In fact, that's the entire point of this blog - I wanna talk about things that I know nobody else cares about, in a way where nobody has to care. It's a win/win to me.

I like rambling, and rambling likes me. (Don't ask them about that, they'll deny it. I hate that dude.) That's been true perhaps for as long as I've had interests. There are a lot of things I want to talk about, but I'm not too keen on bothering everyone about them. A lot of the time, it doesn't make for great conversation or discussion, it's more so just a self-serving, self-contained sorta thing. Regardless, it's brought me here, where people can read things if they want, or the opposite. It seems the best of both worlds to me, as I'm not really looking for a discussion with much of this stuff anyway, just a place to express my thoughts or feelings without eternally dwelling on them alone.

So let's start here: why did I make this account? Outside of the obvious, what compelled me to do it now?

I've been thinking about how much I loathe sexualization for the past few days or so. I'm harshly asexual and immensely uncomfortable with sexual things and it becomes legitimately difficult for me to, say, watch a video when attention is brought to such a thing. I watched "Another Minute Remaining" earlier today, and in one of the 60-second videos, the person pointed out a certain interesting use of RPG Maker to make sexualized games. There were images accompanying this, and it wasn't exactly a positive experience for me, even though it wasn't explicit. There's more I can (and will!) say on this, but I'll leave it there for now.

Anyway, I wanted to talk about this but didn't feel the best about the options I had to do so. I could make a video about it, talk to friends about it, or make a thread on Twitter. A video is out of the question since I just don't care that much, talking to friends is something I've already touched on, and Twitter's character limit makes it a nightmare for my writing style (i.e. bloated, meandering nightmares). I decided a blog would probably be the way to go, and ended up deciding to do this.

I ran into a problem though: I was prompted for a blog name. That wasn't a surprise, by any means, but I knew it was a roadblock I'd have to face if I wanted to take the plunge here. Issue is, I'm terrible at coming up with names, especially for myself. But wait - I had been using "Stuoid" since 2015, why didn't I just go with that?

Here's where this rant goes off the deep end, assuming it hasn't already. See, I've undergone very significant changes the past 9 months, arguably 15. They've inadvertently led to the destruction of my ambitions regarding my main long-term project, as well as drastic changes to my perception of myself. Both of which were for the better, I'd say.

Let's start with the simple stuff: after months of experimenting and thinking, I've come to the conclusion that the ideal state I can inhabit is a non-binary doe. That is to say, I for some reason find the idea of being a deer, and being referred to as such, really goddamn comfortable, and while I go by female pronouns, I'm not actually that keen on being a girl outright. It's an extremely strange turn of events in many ways, and I think anybody who knew of me in 2019 would agree. There's still probably stuff in that regard to figure out - maybe one day I'll realize how silly the deer thing is and come to my senses or something yes it kinda does feel like that's probably an inevitability - but the point is that I'm in a much different position now than I had been. While my username was never based on my actual name, which is still true, it feels like it's a relic of an old time. That's not me anymore, so why should Stuoid still refer to me? I think I largely feel that way because of the videos I've made with the name, since they're a time capsule of my behavior. Otherwise, I'm not sure I'd really care about using the same name after all this.

Anyway: it turns out that the catalyst for this change also ended up being the catalyst for some pretty not great stuff. I've been trying to distance myself from that as much as possible since, and part of that is dealing with the elephant in the room: how my entire (former?) main channel's story is reliant on and derived from a collaborative project between myself and the individual in question. And hey, since I effectively have to cancel everything, why not detail what that story is? I may get some of this wrong, since we never wrote a lot of it down.

Here's a very short, probably inaccurate summary of early story stuff: B4nny is the president of the world. He largely hides in his castle and makes governmental decisions in silence. One day, Tagg airshots him, killing him instantly. Tagg flees the scene and isn't really noteworthy ever again, but Obama rushes in to take over as president. He then starts ruining things in the world. Due to a grudge against some guy named Alex for talking to his girlfriend at a party, Obama steals Alex's source of great power: his cookie. Alex then has to go get his cookie back and stop Obama, which he eventually succeeds in, only to be cursed by a witch shortly after. Some pointless training and such later, the witch and Clownpiece Touhou are ready to murder some lads, and (I believe?) Denkey Keng and a few friends are trying to stop them. Clownpiece kills the witch and absorbs her power, and retreats to the moon. Everyone follows, and kill her, but because she controlled the moon, it crashes into the earth and kills most everybody.

And that brings us to what I planned to add: Stuoid Sause Plotis was a citizen around the time, and a casualty in the collision. He was a peculiar guy, a bit self-centered and asshole-ish, but a relatively decent friend all around to those who knew him. He began to feel a bit aimless, though; unfulfilled in his monotonous life. He tried filling that hole with some loose artistic projects, but those really didn't end up helping. At some point during his personal exploration, Stuoid meets four higher beings. They all had "roles" which honestly I don't remember, and frankly those roles weren't developed that much as this was meant to be revealed in the finale to the channel, a prequel to almost all of its content. That was going to be "Glacial Frame," with an animation depicting the battle with Clownpiece to Risk of Rain's Arctic Oscillation - the entire track - and the resulting moon crash. Easily the coolest thing I had planned.

Anyway, Stuoid dies in this crash, and is transported to the afterlife. There he gets to realize that he actually had it pretty good while alive, what with the ability to feel fulfilled at all - but he tries to chase the same thing despite his circumstances, using the same methods, to no avail. The rest of the channel, functionally the vast majority of it, would be dedicated to his mental spiral as a result of being stuck in an unforgiving, never-ending afterlife, with little in the way of satisfaction.

That's more or less the story I wanted to tell with it.

So yeah, why abandon Stuoid? Well, it's tied to a past self that I simply don't feel is applicable to me going forward, and it's also the name of a character in a project that I can't reasonably continue. In both ways, I'm in need of some change, and so I've decided on some. The name you see here, "Kirian," is one that came to me in a dream earlier this year. I'll spare an explanation of that whole thing, but basically it was the name of a fictional ROMhack developer whose work was "preserved" and distributed by someone else. I looked it up sometime afterward and I think it's the name of some RPG character too? But whatever, it came to me in a dream, I'd say it's original enough. I'm not perfectly happy with it and I'm not sure I'll ever top "Stuoid" again, but it's definitely an improvement in some respects.

So with all that said, hi! I'm Kiri - or Kirian I suppose - and welcome to this dumb blog. I like to write, and hopefully the things I produce will be interesting to read.

Writing this feels incredibly tacky, but I'm not sure there's a good option here outside of that.

I'm really not sure how to end this and I feel like I've forgotten something, but whatever, I'm just gonna post this. It's largely unedited, hopefully it's not too bloated.

Thanks for reading.

[Note: since this was posted, I've changed once more to "Kirobsi," as I like it more than "Kirian." Still, many of this is relevant.]

[ma-gic-gay]

What the fuck is this oxygen thing doing in his nose, why is there someone praying at his bedside and who the hell can dim the lights?

"Oh thank god you're awake," the blonde by his bedside (presumably the one praying) smiles. "Are you comfortable?"

He searches his brain before remembering why he's in here: He got shot and fell to the ground (hence the headache). It was coming out of court and he was convinced they were going to shoot at her. "Are you?" He asks in return, noting that she's clearly stretching her back. The chairs aren't comfortable, though she has gotten used to sleeping in them over the years.

A single tear runs down her stained face (probably makeup, he figures. That's messy stuff) as she smiles. "I've dealt with worse," she answers calmly. When he starts pulling out the oxygen thing, she chuckles to herself. "Epiphany is gonna be mad you did that."

"Well I can breathe fine without it," he argues, mildly wincing with the pain of the bullet wound. "This thing's just annoying me."

"You were shot in the chest and narrowly escaped having a serious head trauma, Jason, that's not fine. I had to sign off on four different surgeries for you! One to remove the bullet, one when something went wrong after that with the bullet, an exploratory brain surgery, and then, just for fun, they had me sign off on an exploratory heart surgery to make sure you hadn't had more severe bleeding than they thought," Carly starts in on him, clearly worked up.

"How long was I out?"

"Three days. You could've died in this hospital and guess who would've been to blame? Me. Sam reminded me of that more times than I'd like to think about," she continues her rant. "No taking stupid risks with your life! If you see a gun pointed at you you run the other direction, you don't save me first! I need you alive so promise me you're not going to be a hero and save everyone but yourself."

"The guns were pointed at you, Carly," he argues, knowing it's in vein by the look on her face that says he's not getting out of this. "I wasn't taking a risk with my life, I was saving you."

"And you could've died doing it!"

"You could've died too, you know. They could've shot you or a bullet could've ricocheted. Besides, I'm fine," Jason shrugs off the surgery. "In a little bit of chest pain and with a minor headache but fine all things considered."

She glares at him, clearly still upset. Grabbing his hand, she exclaims, "I thought you were going to die! Sam was blaming me for it left and right. Jake, Danny and Scout thought their dad wouldn't wake up. Michael, Joss, and Donna were worried to all hell. Which reminds me, I was instructed by Donna to give you this card." After a brief moment of fumbling around in her purse, she found the piece of paper she was looking for and hands it to him.

The card was clearly written by Avery, considering that the handwriting is much better than Donna's. It reads, "Get Better Quick!" And has a stick figure that's supposed to be him with a bunch of red coming from his shirt. Blood, he figures. On the inside, it's the stick figure napping, no more red stain. All in all, it's a cute card.

"Hey Carly, is-" Sam starts, entering the room angrily. "Jason! You're up!"

"I'm going to go call my kids," Carly announces, leaving the room. "I'll be back in a few minutes, probably armed with at least one of them."

Getting a quiet chuckle out of Jason, she leaves the room with a pep on her step. He must've scared them pretty bad if she's that happy about his being awake and as functioning a human as someone in a hospital bed can be.

Sam, beaming, takes Carly's place and says, "Thank god. You were worrying us for a while there."

"I'm fine," he shrugs.

"No you're not. You almost died protecting Carly, again. This is becoming a habit of yours, Jason," she sighs. That's a lie; she knows it too. "You being her hero is going to cost you your life one of these days and I don't want that. None of us do."

Now she's just flat out pissing him off. Only took about a minute to do that, which is kind of impressive. "What do you want me to do, let her get shot?"

She takes a minute to think about her answer. What the hell? There's a right answer and there's a wrong answer here.

"I don't want you to die because of her. That's what I think. If that's the only way for it to happen, then yes, I guess she's going to get shot. It wouldn't kill you to let her have a little bit of the consequences for her actions for once, you know," Sam says simply. "Doing something dumb enough to get shot at might be a sign she has to learn her lesson."

"The gun was aimed at her. It was a hired gun from Cyrus. As far as I knew, his orders were to take her out." When Sam stops reacting, he asks, "What did Cyrus do?"

"You got shot saving her," Sam continues. "She's never going to learn to depend on you less if you keep saving her everytime you think she's in trouble, Jason. She'll always be this dependent, if not more, on you."

Oh good god. This conversation is going in circles and it's giving him a headache. "It's not your business anymore whether she's dependent on me or not," he says, voice as even as possible. She seems to be forgetting they're not together, or even friends anymore. They coparent their kids, that's it.

There's a hurt look on Sam's face, he can see as she simply responds, "You're right. But that doesn't mean that it's a good thing you could die protecting her from her own messes."

"I never said it was a good or bad thing. I'm alive."

"I've got to go get the kids," she excuses herself before leaving the room.

Well now he kinda feels like shit. He didn't mean to send her away or hurt her feelings, but it's clear he did just that. To be fair, she might've forgotten about the kids for a bit and remembered she had to pick them up somewhere, but he doubts it. Not wholehearted doubt, but enough.

"Stop frowning. It causes wrinkles," Carly jokes as she enters the room again. "Sam just went to go get Danny and Scout from the Quartermaine's. My kids are over the moon you're doing better. Donna would like to run in here right now, but I had to remind her it's a hospital and that's disgusting."

"The hospital's fairly clean," he smiles before noticing that her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. "What happened?"

"Cyrus is out on bail. He's got full reign of the hospital."

"How?"

"I guess his lawyer's actually good and managed to get him bail. Sympathetic judge," the blonde says, shrugging. "He's stayed away from me, thank god. Not for me, for him. I'm half sure if I saw him I'd start attacking him."

"What about the trial?"

"It's over. Cyrus changed his plea. His sentencing isn't for a few weeks, though, so his lawyer petitioned for bail and got it," she smiles brightly as she says the first part, tone turning for the later half. "And if you're not admitted out of here by then, rest assured, I'll break you out to go."

He chuckles, noticing her eyes are glossy. "Why are you crying?"

"I don't know," Carly laughs. "It's just happening. Tears have decided to fall from my eyeballs, which doesn't even make sense because I'm happy right now. You're alive and as well as can be considering your four surgeries, everyone's fine, I don't get it." She wipes her tears away with a chuckle. "If you'd died because of me-"

"I didn't. I'm alive. Stop worrying I'm going to have a heart attack or something and die. I made it, you made it, your family is fine, my family is fine. No point in dwelling on the past," Jason interrupts her. "See? I'll be fine in a few days."

"You're in here because of me," she argues weakly, not meeting his eyes.

"Look at me, Carly," he instructs calmly and she does just that. "This isn't your fault. It's not mine or anyone but Cyrus's. And the guys that shot me. Alright? You did nothing wrong."

"I could've-"

"Could've what? Been psychic? Predicted the future? That's not real and we both know it. What is real is that I am alive. Everyone we care about it alive. I'm not planning on dying anytime soon. Everything is fine and you're not responsible for not having psychic abilities," Jason reminds her, watching her try to find a hint of a lie within the words or a way she can continue to blame herself. "Stop blaming yourself."

"Fine," she caves, "if you promise to not forget to save yourself when bullets start flying around me, I'll stop blaming myself."

"Deal."

"I'm waiting for the promise."

"I promise to remember to save myself and you."

"See? That wasn't so hard, was it?"

"No," he says, "it really wasn't."

"You can thank me at any time for introducing you to the lovely world of negotiation."

"I've been in a business involving negotiation since the 1990s."

"Coffee is a very competitive business."

"Very."

When she stops bantering with him and kisses him, he knows something in his life has changed.

To be continued after I pass out :) I live in hell

ô

[self-discovering-pagan]

Facing my Demons - Act One

The Ex Bestie

It was your birthday recently...

3 years since I visited for your 18th...

2 years and 3 months since you told me I was the worst human being alive, and I walked away from you forever... But who's counting?

I shouldn't still dwell on a lost friendship... And I don't really. Only during times like this.

I congratulated myself actually. I'd been working hard on the day... Didn't realise it was your 21st birthday until the day after, when going through my phone memories.

Sometimes your face pops up... Regardless of how hard I tried to scrub you from my social media...

We were just that close...

Did you do anything for your birthday, I wonder? Did you have friends over? Did you do the same things we did on your 18th, those three long years ago?

I worry you haven't any friends. Most of yours walked away with me, knowing I wasn't the bad guy here.

It's silly. I shouldn't worry. You have a knack for finding friends. Keeping them...? Well... That was more difficult, wasn't it?

I wasn't the first 'bestie' to be thrown to the wolves, was I... Aranea?

Brian... Lassie?... They were both dumped in favour of me... And then I was dumped. Your Corvus. Because my mental health became too much for you to handle?

No... Because you realised I wasn't the person you needed anymore.

You needed me when I was able to give you a place to stay when moving. You needed me in the cold dark nights in Scotland, when all you had was your overbearing Mother for company, and a spirit girl who was tormenting your very soul. You needed me, so my mum could remove that spirit...

Once those things were done...

I wasn't needed anymore. I did my piece...

But I needed you.

And I never got pay back for all the good I did for you... All the nights I stopped up with you... Shared my soul with you. Helped you through dark times...

I got one weekend in Southern England, I suppose, and a night in Cambridge... Was it Cambridge? With your extended family... Who didn't seem to want me there... Or you either, if I'm honest.

Those were once some of my happier memories... Once. Now I just feel a stirring sickness in my stomach when I think about them...

It's like in the film 'Inside Out'... Where a happy memory is tainted by something sad. My only positive memory's of that trip now, was the journey with Ronnie.

I don't recall ditching you when the times were rough. I recall the few times I was too low myself, and I'd end up blocking you to give you space.

Ha. If I didn't, I'd obsessively check my phone, to see if you had messaged to tell me you were okay. Or if your mum had.

Looking back, I don't know if that was stupid... Or safe. All I remember is the constant anxiety.

I knew I annoyed you more... When I tried to help. I annoyed you when I was low myself. You stated as much. "I'm trying to pick myself up now... And you're pulling me down again."

That hurt. A lot of things you said to me hurt. It wasn't until afterwards... I realised though.

When I told Tim about some of the things you'd said in the past, over the few weeks after the final block...

He said "If I'd known she'd spoken to you like that... I would have stopped you talking to her. No one should say those kind of things... Especially not to their BEST FRIEND. I wish you'd told me sooner."

He regrets ever letting you in the house. You know that? He regrets letting us get so close.

I remember you being jealous of my girlfriend at the time... Am I not allowed to be openly Poly? She dumped me you know? About 3 weeks after we fell out. She could see I wasn't in the right place to have a new relationship.

And I knew you had a crush on me, Aranea... You told me as much.

A 12 year age difference was too much to handle. Its why I shot you down. I had to be the adult. Tim said to blame him, so our friendship didn't suffer. He regrets that too now.

You tried to get with my brother. If you couldn't have me, get the next best thing, I suppose.

Hope you know he saw you as a quick fcuk. Nothing more. He stated several times after we fell out, that he regretted not going all the way with you. I said, feel free. I don't care.

He tried to message you. You blocked him 😂

A few months after the block down... I'd posted some videos about you on my TikTok. Never mentioned names. Much like now. I don't mention names. Slander is a dangerous thing. I'm not that dumb. Nor can afford to pay solicitor fees.

I'd spoken about you in a group chat too, with my friends... You sent a spy for me. I found that quite funny. Although my brother soon sent them packing. It was beautiful to experience.

I remember coming out of the tattoo parlour I was apprenticing at... And my brother pulled out his phone and showed me a string of messages he got from your mother!

"Tell Corvus to stop talking about my daughter, or we will sue her."

Followed up with a bunch of screenshots of a group chat, and my TikTok.

I laughed... I was a tattoo apprentice. With what money?!

He told me to stop. I said I will, but also pointed out that you and your mum had no leg to stand on. I mentioned no names publicly on TikTok. The chat was private to my friends. He messaged back, and said that what I did was harmless, but what she did was Harassment. And he could sue her.

Your mum never messaged again.

This feels good. Getting all this out. I doubt you'd ever find this. You probably don't even care.

I think that's why I struggled for so long over this. Mum said when I told her that we'd fallen out that I never got to say my piece. You had a chance to throw down. Scream and yell at me, and call me all names under the sun.

I walked away. Quietly... Dignified.

I simply said "I'm sorry. Goodbye."

And hit block.

It hurt. I screamed... I was alone that night. Tim was working. I sent him a message. I called no one. I tore down the painting I bought from you. The alien. I punched it. Shot my hand right through the canvas.

I took out the stash of letters we had written each other. I read each one slowly, before dropping them in to the fireplace place. Same with your drawings.

The Tattoo I designed for you - Burnt.

The Ceramic Box you made me - Smashed.

The Bunny Plush you bought me - Charity Shop (I didn't have the heart to destroy something that could bring someone else joy)

The Cards Against Disney you got me - Kept... But certainly made many better memories with it. Its the only thing you gave me that I did keep.

Mum called me shortly after... You'd messaged her, asking if you could still be friends. She told you in the kindest possible way to "fcuk off". She actually hated you. Couldn't understand why you were my best friend. I look back now and I wonder that too. But I think I know now. It's quite obvious really.

I've always regarded my friends as top priorities. I love them all. And deep down... I still love you too. But...

I couldn't be your friend again.

It wouldn't work.

And I know that.

I think the only reason I gripped to you so tightly is...

I'd never had a Best Friend before.

Or let me rephrase that.

I'd never had someone call ME their Best Friend before.

Anyone I considered a 'best friend' always claimed publicly someone else was their best friend... And I never got picked first for anything. Its why I pulled away from most of my school friends post school. They still reach out. And now... Thanks to this experience with you... I reach back...

Because I realise now... You don't need BEST friends. Just enough close friends. And I have them.

I have Tim. I have Grell. I have Ronnie. I have the D n D crew. I have my witch family.

I have a new girlfriend. She's amazing.

She wants Tim and I to move out to the US to live with her. It's a long way down the line. But we're definitely thinking about it.

I have a new life. I think you'd be shocked how much I changed. Since I last spoke to you, I got an apprenticeship at the tattoo parlour that we got our coven tatts at. I saw you'd had yours covered... With a big ass eagle. Not what I expected, but you do you. I still have mine. I sport it with pride. I almost had it covered... But I now see it as something beautiful. It's proof I can pull through anything. That some friends aren't forever, but they still leave their mark on you. Lessons you must learn. It's poetic.

I lost that apprenticeship. Was the middle of the pandemic... And my mentor was a douche. Win some loose some.

But I recently landed a job at my local hospital. And I'm excited to get started. Its a great opportunity... And a chance to lead me to do what I really want to do.

Art therapy. To help people... Like I used to try and help you. But better... And using my degree. (You took my uni jumper by the way! But its fine. I smoked all the wacki backi you left behind. 🤷 Call it square.)

I feel so much better. Talking this out to the ether. It's like Shadow Work. Just putting down what my brain already figured out over the past 2 years... But in one spot.

Maybe now... I can finally focus on my own future... And not worry about yours, and where you'll one day end up.

I'm sorry for where I failed you Aranea... And you're welcome for where I didn't.

Blessed be old friend. If we ever meet again, I hope its on better terms.

Corvus