#I was tryna set a timer to make myself actually do work to actually focus for a period of time

[fxreflyes]

iphotos suggested photos is something that can be so violent

[branlao]

a different mirror. pt2

well here you are Spongebob.   

We’ve spent all this time talking about what isn’t real, what doesn’t lead to contentment, and posited the critical inquiry of what/who are YOU and what the fuck do you want? Now is the time for answers!

my bad bruh,

I don’t have them.

No one has them.

Buddha doesn’t have them either. 

Remember that thing about the lamp? The quote that started everything off from that book you should read? (EVERYDAY ZEN BY CHARLOTTE JOKOBECK) That’s it. Buddha was just an example, he didn’t have the answers for you to step-by-step throw into a smoothie w/ kale and just drink til you find enlightenment. 

As Buddha once said, “i ain’t shit, you gotta do you fam.”

BUT WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO DO YOU? FAM?

It’s meditating. 

But what is that? I’ll bet you tried before. Maybe you’ve incorporated it into practice, as a routine that you are pretty familiar with and are just curious to see what I have to say about it.

Or maybe you’ve tried it before and don’t get it. “This shit stupid. I’m bored. This shit isn’t working.”

Either way is fine. It’s just a tool. I’m not telling you to live and die by one fucking thing you can do to make your life good, I’m just recommending what helps me.

It’s productive to first start with what meditation isn’t versus what it is.

Meditation isn’t control.

Meditation is observation.

That’s it.

You’re not trying to do ANY “THING” really. 

What I mean by that is that you are not shooting for any conscious, actionable, ACTION when you meditate. You’re not searching for yourself, you’re not getting to deeper truths, you’re not calming your mind.

You’re really, kind of.. just sitting and breathing.

The reason meditation isn’t the aforementioned is because it’s just more of the same shit if you are approaching it from the perspective of self-betterment. It’s just a fad diet. It ultimately becomes you just whipping and taming the mind once again. 

Even Zen and mindfulness can become a part of the never-ending battle of good versus evil. What you should be doing versus what you shouldn’t be doing... 

This isn’t it. Chill out, bro.

Stop trying to whip and tame the mind. You can’t just say: “stop having that thought, it’s bad for you”; “stop doing this habit, this is unhealthy”; “stop loving this person, because they might hurt you if they don’t love you back.”

Every time you try to tame your mind it doubles back and lashes out. Homie is scrappy and belligerent, and fucks you up when you’re at your most vulnerable. The conscious mind is a dirty fighter. When you’re at your weakest point, inebriated, about to sleep, guards are down, your conscious mind brought his big cousin, childhood friends, and the rest of the fucking crew to roll through. He brought 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8 shooters ready to gun you down.

But you had it coming. You slipped up, headass.

You can’t just stop having thoughts, or emotions by simply choosing not to have them anymore. Your habits, opinions and general dispositions towards intimacy, relationships and EVERY PERSPECTIVE you have to date isn’t as easy as simply making the choice of not having them anymore. If it was simple as making a choice to NOT have thoughts or these feelings, you’d be a fucking robot.

iOSYOU 3.2. 

   -fixed some emotional stability glitches    -stress-tested notion to find if ‘men are indeed trash’ (from iOSYOU 2.2)    -added different hues of brown for the shit animoji. (iPhone X, XS, XS+)

No. That’s fucking ridiculous. You’re not a machine. 

Every single thought, emotion, opinion that goes into your head is in there for a reason. So stop trying to beat yourself down for having them. They are or WERE allies, but what you need to realize is just because your views have gotten you through the past, doesn’t mean they’re always equipped to handle what’s going on presently in your life.

Life is dynamism. Life is flux.  ...and you are a part of life.

This means that you’re just a dynamic, ever-changing piece of an infinite, boundless puzzle... and you aren’t finished. 

This ‘you’ now isn’t going to be the ‘you’ in a minute. This ‘you’ now wasn’t the ‘you’ yesterday. This ‘you’ NOW isn’t even the same ‘you’ that was the ‘you’ when you first started reading this sentence.

So stop clinging to this self-concept of you. ‘You’ doesn’t necessarily make sense. You aren’t a list of your likes or your attributes. YOU’RE JUST YOU, ACCEPT THAT.

With that in mind, though, how do we proceed?

I get it. Life isn’t an acid trip where you’ve lost all sense of individuality and have melted into the grass that is everything like your grandparent’s carpet in the house they had 2 years ago. You have to get on with your day. You don’t want to run into an existential crisis at every turn today because you no longer have a self-identity. 

But your focus should be on being adaptable. 

Your self isn’t the notion of selfhood that you created at one point in time when you first wrote your Myspace or Facebook bio. It’s constantly changing.  Your likes and dislikes and taste for food, music and clothes are changing. Your friends and social circles are constantly changing and evolving with their own new perspectives. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Your attitude and dispositions to certain situations are going to be different now than they were 5 years ago (as they should be).

There is no need for added and undue stress on yourself right now trying to make your concept of selfhood adhere to a neat through-line. 

Walter White once said, “Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.” (or was that a different W.W.?)

With that being said, now, the stark reality is there isn’t a one-size-fits-all path to truly “finding yourself.” There isn’t a cure or a philosophy that truly gets it all down to pat. The only reason Buddhism or Zen is a workable system of thought is because it is a tool for you on the journey to finding YOU. Actual you. 

It is a practice for you to quell the incessant chatter that is constantly fogging or frosting up your windshield-- blocking your view of things-as-they-are or things-as-it-is (ily Suzuki-roshi).

Zen is the wipers. Zen is the defrosters, or the ice scrapers so you don’t crash. But you have to choose to use it. Hell, you don’t even need to drive your car, you could take the bus or walk. But if you want to get (T)HERE, then choose your tools carefully, and know that they are just tools. They aren’t going to fix all of your problems. 

If Enlightenment is the moon, Buddhism is just the finger pointing to it.

Buddhism ain’t shit. Zen ain’t shit. 

Fuck Buddha. pampered lookin, can’t handle sickness&death sheltered lookin, crash-diet/fatboi bodydysmorphic lookin, hippydippy tree-hugging tryna be woke-lookin BITCH.

It (IT as in true reality and existence) is so much bigger than this. IT is so much bigger than words and explanation.  There really isn’t even a point in trying to fucking explain IT.

With that being said, that’s it. Buddhism and the teaching are just words. Real practice is meditation and just living life as directly as you can, keeping in mind that you just want to do and try your best. That’s it.

There’s plenty of things on how to meditate, and if you are so inclined look them up. Really, because my shit is probably not going to be that helpful, but here’s what I do:

Find a good spot to sit, or designate a specific place for sitting.

Set a timer - and COMMIT to the time. Usually 5 minutes is probably fine.

Take a position - half-lotus, full-lotus, sitting in a chair/posturpedic yoga ball. Whatever, just try to be as upright as possible so you’re not slumping. 

Start breathing without trying to control your breathing necessarily (there’s plenty of variation on literally all the steps I’m giving, so again look it up if you don’t fuck w/ my methods).

*Take care to tune in and pay attention to your breaths, with special attention to delineate your inhalations and exhalations:  “Right now I’m breathing in ANNNDDDD now I’m breathing out.” (you don’t have to say this to yourself, but set it as an intention). 

Sometimes it’s easier for people to count their breaths from 1-10.

 I.e.: (inhale)..... (exhale).... say in head “1″; (inhale)..... (*exhale).... *say in head “2″ ETC, etc, all the way to 10, then repeat the process. Seriously, whatever works for you. Change it up if you’re willing to find and experiment and play around with this general process. eyes open, eyes closed/different seating positions, whatever. Again, there is a long (ancient, even) substantial body of work on just the act of meditation, and I’m nowhere equipped enough with experience to formally teach you those, or be strict regarding the form, so look into that shit yourself. But what I’ve described should be workable, enough hopefully.

Thoughts will come up, no doubt. But remember, it’s not your job to control them. Don’t mentally spank yourself (*winkingface) for having these thoughts, no matter what they are, or what they’re about. Just notice these thoughts, and even feel the sensations of you having them. Tenseness in your body, confusion, the emotions rising. Just observe all of that. Then after you notice the thoughts and subsequent physiological effects, try to shift your focus on your breathing again. 

After a couple of minutes of this, you’ll learn that this shit is fucking hard.

Up until this point, you’ve trained yourself to run your thoughts into the ground and pump that shit to 11.  As soon as your brain came up with a particularly sexy idea, you’re so accustomed to toddler-you stretching the thought like playdoh, squeezing, rolling into a ball, making a thin log/turd/hotdog until that thought is dried out and stuck in the carpet.

Just try your best to return to your breathing until that timer runs out. 

Notice all this, but don’t block it out. 

Don’t run away. 

Your goal isn’t to change yourself.

Your breath is the anchor and a tool to ground you to RIGHT NOW. To this very moment.

And right now should just be you sitting and breathing.

Every time you wander off, just think “oh, here I am going off again...” then gently start focusing on breathing again. The goal is just to try your best until the timer runs out. After that, just get on with your life.

Chill out with your expectations.

Don’t expect everything to come out of fucking nowhere. That’s like expecting a six-pack after your first 5-minute session of crunchy-frogs and leg lifts, and the first time you say no to bacon on a fucking bleu-cheese burger. 

You’re not doing this FOR anything. 

You’re not doing this to GET anywhere. 

You’re not doing this to BECOME anyone. 

You’re doing this so you can start appreciating right now. 

You’re just really trying to keep it real. 

It’s a process, so try hard to work it into your day. 

It will really help.

And I’ll be here if you need me.

-bran