#I was only considering the possibility of surgery because sometimes I get too lazy

[xceanlynx]

No lasik for me 🤓

[bigskydreaming]

That last reblog, and like, not to be bitter and resentful and ‘sometimes people know more about their circumstances than you do’, but if I had a dollar for every single time someone condescendingly tells me that I’d probably have my surgery by now if I had tried to get on Medicaid instead of paying out the ass every month $800 bucks I don’t have for the super pricey insurance I’ve had to maintain to even GET to this point in my medical journey, despite the fact that like, the entire REASON I have said super pricey insurance is because Medicaid is very particular about what they will and won’t pay for and jaw surgery is such a weird gray area between being considered TMJ and cosmetic and elective versus literally necessary for a certain quality of life and directly linked to any number of other issues, and because the specific nature of my jaw issues is so rare like it requires a specific jaw prosthetic and replacement surgery that is hardly ever even done.....

The end result is like there are a number of different procedures and parts of the process and yes, SOME of them, Medicaid DOES cover and take care of, but there are still others that they don’t and that thus require me to take care of on my own with means outside of Medicaid, which requires money on top of Medicaid, and that very same money, that I have to bust my ass 7 days a week without weekends or breaks to make, is what puts me over the 2K a month limit....that disqualifies me from being eligible for Medicaid in the first place. Meaning no, I don’t even get to get Medicaid plus supplement whatever it doesn’t cover with whatever else I can come up with or make to cover the rest of the medical expenses on my own......I actually have to find a way to make a LOT more than just 2K a month in order to do things like.....pay $800 just for the super pricey insurance I have instead of Medicaid, on top of things like rent and food, because Medicaid via this fun little series of loopholes....was never even actually an option for me.

And before people are like no that’s not how that works, please take five whole beats and reflect that even if that’s not how its SUPPOSED to work, bureaucracies aren’t some magical system immune to being actively skewed by human intention, especially when they only exist BECAUSE of certain human intentions driven by like, capitalism and the like, and sometimes, they work in REALITY a certain way other than how they claim to work on PAPER, and no matter how convinced you are that you’re right and justified in being able to prove that someone somewhere in the chain is making a conscious choices to use legal loopholes to screw you over.....you have to MAKE THE CASE that that is what they’re actually doing....and this, too, requires....resources and energy and money that shockingly....many disabled poor people do not actually have?

And thus even if you’re CONVINCED from a backseat driver position while reading something like this that there’s a way through certain insurance Gordian Knots because you have Righteousness on your side......from an actual in person IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT position actually being directly involved in all of this, like.....things are often not quite so easily worked around or ‘fixed’.

Like, I’m just saying....I’m not a stupid person. I’m not a completely uneducated person. I’m not a lazy person, and I’m not a person just content to wallow in miserable circumstances without attempting every possible way I can to change those circumstances. No matter how you’ve decided to view me (and hoo boy, could we talk some time about some of the implications inherent in assumptions like the former BUT I DIGRESS), like I promise you, I PROMISE you......the likelier reality is not that someone reading this has magically seen the one clear loophole to all of this that would easily fix all my problems with a few phone calls and a certified letter if I do just x, y, and z.....and it just hasn’t occurred to me by now, in over five plus years of my daily existence being consumed with trying to address the medical issues I have stemming from this and change my quality of life......no, the likelier reality is anything that’s occurred to you JUST from reading this much, most likely at some point in the past several plus years of researching and asking for help and trying literally everything I can think of to change my circumstances, like....already DID occur to me to try as well, and there’s a REASON it didn’t work or there are other roadblocks I encountered in the way of attempting that, with it just being literally impossible to detail every single thing I’ve tried and thought of or been recommended I attempt.

Like sorry not sorry, I know that there are all kinds of loopholes and work arounds and back-door fixes people have come up with over the years to try and ram actual solutions to their problems through the impediment that is our health care system just obstinately being like No, Actually.....

But like....sometimes? Sometimes the solution is just hey people need money to do a thing, Bob.

And again, this isn’t about being ungracious about people trying to suggest options for me, its about being ungracious how often people don’t even REALIZE their default approach to responding to stuff like this is to gloss right over the possibility that they didn’t solve someone’s entire life focal issue with two minutes and a read through of a rant/vent post they made.....that there are usually REASONS people haven’t implemented the solutions/approaches that seem so obvious ‘with a little distance/perspective/objectivity’ and that reason is often not ‘person x just didn’t think of it on their own’ its ‘for every solution person x attempts, institution y has another roadblock ready to go because it doesn’t WANT person x’s problems addressed or fixed, it just wants MONEY.’

Anyway. This really was just a rant based on a post I reblogged because wow, mood, but because sometimes people need money to do a thing, and I’m people and addressing my health and quality of life issues stemming from a surgery I’ve been trying to get for over five years is a thing I need money to do, what the hell, here’s some links for anyone willing and able to help out:

https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[rubykgrant]

(here is how I imagine Grif and Simmons’ feelings growing for each other in the early years)

In the beginning, when they first met, Grif figured he wouldn’t ever like Simmons much. The dude turned out to be kinda funny though, despite being so annoying, and he was weird in an interesting way, so they became friends. Grif talked to him every single day, from training to Blood Gulch, how could they NOT be friends? Grif started to notice that something else was going on after a while… and realized it was a crush. A stupid little crush, like a stupid little kid. He was too old for something like this. This happened around the time they thought they “traveled to the future” (but had actually just been exploded). Well, it started before then, but he hadn’t noticed. It was gross and embarrassing, and no WAY was Grif going to act on it. Grif only had a few relationships in his life that he’d be willing to call “serious” (that is, more than just a fling or a hook-up), and they never lasted long or ended well. Sometimes it was OK, at least for a while… but Simmons? The dude would absolutely not be able to handle having another guy interested in him. This crush was nothing but a bad idea. He tried to ignore it until it went away… but it didn’t. Still, he could deal with having a crush, whatever.

Then it wasn’t a crush anymore. When Simmons went through his “Blue Phase”, Grif accidentally started to put actual thought into how he felt about Simmons, which was a mistake. Grif loved him. He hated it. He loved Simmons, and he hated it. He had fallen hard for Simmons, and if this was happening at any other time in his life… Grif would have been almost bashful and possibly excited about it. When was the last time he’d actually been “in love”? A few times he THOUGHT it was happening, and then it just didn’t click. That was all years ago… but he used to be a little more hopeful when it came to romance. If he had met Simmons in his college years somehow, Grif would have been all over him (embarrassing, but true. He knew himself that well, at least). After all this time, though… Grif has become just too apathetic to hope for love. He was never good enough for anybody, and he had crappy taste in other people. He doesn’t want to even go there with Simmons… but he also doesn’t want to lose Simmons, he wants to keep being around him, as much as possible, for as long as possible.

After so many years of mocking Simmons, bothering him and irritating him, Grif had backed himself into a corner; no way in hell would Simmons EVER feel the same way about Grif. It was never gonna happen. He couldn’t stop feeling the way he did, and he also couldn’t stop acting like a jerk… the routine of this dysfunctional relationship was set in stone. What could Grif do? Just give up on Simmons completely, go find another friend, try to date other people? Grif had already done the bit where you leave your old life behind and try to make a new one… it sucked (and required too much effort). Besides, Simmons was USED to him. He might complain about Grif constantly, but also… nobody else put up with Grif the way he did. Should Grif try and actually do something about their relationship, like TELL Simmons the truth? No way. They didn’t do emotional honesty, and if Simmons didn’t feel the same way… he probably wouldn’t take it well. He’d probably freak out. Then Grif wouldn’t even have his friend anymore. He’s wanted Simmons in many different ways, and he’ll take whatever he can get…

***

There had been quite a few times in the years that they’ve known each other when Simmons thought about Grif… well, in pretty embarrassing ways. It made him feel all confused, but also fluttery, with something like glee washing over him. Simmons didn’t even know how to describe it; Grif would say something or do something, and it would just strike Simmons as the absolute PERFECT thing in the moment, it would be funny or silly, occasionally really DEEP or interesting, and somehow also charming, and Simmons would suddenly want to make Grif happy too... but it was totally different than the need to impress an authority figure. He would want all of Grif’s attention and affection, because in these moments, he felt special… and the source of that feeling was Grif. In these moments, the teasing turned into something more playful, the arm-punches turned into hugs, the endless anxiety turned into a comfortable sense of belonging. Maybe Grif had other friends in his life that got to share moments like this with him, but this was all Simmons had. Often, Grif just drove him up a wall, he was so lazy and bothersome, the opposite of Simmons in many ways… but ultimately, he was Simmons’ best friend.

It only got weird when he started having additional thoughts to go with these feelings… he’d think about hugging Grif and not letting go. He’d think about what it would be like if somebody wanted HIS attention and affection for once, and if that somebody was Grif. He’d think about so many things, stuff that was so sappy and corny… cutesy stuff. This was weird because you DEFINITELY weren’t supposed to think about your friends like this, right? Simmons never had a lot of friends, so he wasn’t sure… but these cutesy-thoughts were more like the stuff people probably did in romantic relationships. Simmons definitely had never done anything romantic with anybody in his life either, but he knew what it was. He wasn’t stupid. He was just… really confused. Maybe it was just the fact that he’d known Grif for so long, all his various emotional struggles were concentrated on the guy. The first time Simmons realized these cutesy-thoughts were a problem was when they were at Rat’s Nest; it had been just about the worst thing ever to deal with Grif being in charge, because he was NOT a good leader, and Simmons hated being bossed around by his goof-ball buddy… but it wasn’t all bad. A few times, Grif had used his position of power to force Simmons to relax (which was difficult to get used to, but he also couldn’t just say NO, and sometimes it was fun… like when Grif convinced him to go joy-riding in a vehicle or blow something up just for the heck of it. All those childhood and teenage years spent staying quiet and behaving had robbed Simmons of doing stuff like this, so he had a lot to catch up on).

One of these times, Grif got his hands on some comic books, and was gushing to Simmons about how cool they were. They’d taken most of their armor off, so Simmons could see Grif’s face and upper-body clearly… it was the first time since the surgery that Grif finally looked “evened-out” (still with patches of Simmons’ skin, but his face and arm and leg didn’t seem so withered anymore). Simmons considered lecturing Grif on how bad it was for him to waste time and resources collecting stupid comic books, but Grif looked so happy. He looked YOUNGER, even more so than when Simmons first met him. He was positively radiating joy. So instead of being a buzzkill, Simmons decided to enjoy the moment, watching Grif be just as much of a nerd as he was, and… he noticed how soft Grif’s lips were. The whole time Grif was smiling and talking... his lips just looked so soft. That did it. Suddenly, the cutesy-thoughts would randomly turn into kissy-thoughts. Suddenly, Simmons was having actual DREAMS about Grif (and in these dreams, he most definitely had all of Grif’s attention and affection. In these dreams, there was nothing stopping him from admitting that he wanted this, he wanted GRIF). This was weird, right? You weren’t supposed to want your friends like that… right? He was already such a dork, Simmons couldn’t stand the idea of being even WEIRDER. He simply shoved every single kissy-cutesy-thought away (but the dreams kept happening no matter what he did. His unconscious brain was a jerk like that).

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #344

“my whole existence is flawed”

Have you ever thought about becoming a crime scene investigator? No. Do you think you could win on Jeopardy? Not at all. What do you normally call your mother? (mommy, mom, mother, mum, etc.) Usually "Mom" or "Ma," sometimes "Mama." Does your significant other complain about the way you dress? I'm single, but I would never tolerate an s/o who complained about/told me how to dress. Like bye, fuck you. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? Are you right now? No, thankfully. What would you do if a stranger smacked your ass and whistled? They're getting fucking punched. In the face. Do you know anyone who has died from cancer? Multiple people. Ever have to call the cops on someone? Not me personally, but my sister did while I was in the car with her due to a clearly drunk as fuck driver. Are you comfortable enough around your friends to change in front of them? Hell no, I avoid changing even in front of my mother. Have you ever dated someone in secret? Dated, no. But Joel and I were a secret. What’s something you really want right now, be honest? What I really want right now is a job. What are you listening to right now? A slowed-down with reverb version of "Closer" by In This Moment. It's p hot. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes. What confuses you most? Why terrible things can happen to the most undeserving of people. Have you ever been called a bad influence? Yes. Not like she was a good one whatsoever. What's the weirdest compliment you've ever received? I don't know, really. Have you ever thought you could 'save' someone? No. It's funny, apparently Jason thought I could "save" him, and would'ja look at that, he scarred me for life. Do you prefer weed or cigs? I've never smoked either, but at least weed has benefits, so. What do your parents say about smoking? Well, my dad smokes like a chimney, but he does tell my sisters and me to absolutely never start it. Mom is very firm about us not smoking. She'd probably be heartbroken if any of us started. Do like kissing with tongue or without? I mean, that depends on the mood as well as how serious we are. What show is hilarious to you? That '70s Show absolutely cracks me up. Who last made you upset? My Dad and stepmom, ranting about how the Covid vaccine is being forced on us and is dangerous. I'm very much for it and am getting it myself soon, so I was just like... shut the fuck up. I just kept my lips zipped, but by god did I want to say something. Does he/she usually upset you? I sometimes regret having my stepmom on Facebook because of her shitty political views, but she in general doesn't upset me. I love her, really. Dad doesn't upset me, really. What would your parents do if you got a tattoo? They don't care, especially knowing how much I love them. What is your favorite musical? None. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yeah, though I don't think it's something I'd go out of my way to do. If I had the opportunity though, I'd surely go. I would love to take photos there, and it's this odd desire of mine to visit Aokigahara Forest and just walk along the "safe" paths and just... feel it. I don't want to find any bodies because I think that would shatter me, I just want to allow myself to like, drown in empathy for all those that left their lives in those trees. I feel like I'd cry a LOT, because I'd prefer to do it alone and just talk to whoever may be able to hear from wherever they are now, and just let them know they're not forgotten or abandoned and that they were never alone. This is honestly getting me really emotional so I'm moving onto the next question. But in summary, I feel like it could honestly be a life-changing experience. What is your favorite Japanese name? I like A LOT of Japanese names I've heard, but they're all evading me now. Do you ever listen to Jpop? No. Who do you go to for advice? Mom or Sara. Have you ever ran a cash register? Yeah, when I worked at the dollar store. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Did you collect Bratz dolls when you were younger? I didn't collect them, no, but I shared a few with my sister. Do you think your mom is attractive? I think my mom's beautiful. Her smile especially puts gold to shame. She actually kinda broke down the other day because she thought she was ugly, and it just broke my damn heart. Do you like the feeling in your stomach on a big drop on a roller coaster? I've never been on a roller coaster and don't plan to try one, but I reeeaaally don't like that feeling in any situation. What is your most severe allergy? Pollen. How and when were you baptized, if applicable? I was baptized as a baby the traditional Catholic way. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? I think carving is more fun. Have you ever walked through a haunted house? One that was part of a Halloween attraction, yeah. What computer game did you used to play all the time? I played lots as a kid, but my favorite had to be I Spy: Spooky Mansion. My lil sis and I were obsessed. How do you feel about Motorhead? I don't love them, but I do enjoy some of their songs. I never thought Lemmy was that great of a vocalist, but I respect him as an artist and hope he rests in peace. What’s the weirdest way you’ve ever pulled a muscle? *shrugs* What’s your favorite symbol? (i.e. the pentagram, the cross, etc.) If we're talking only real-world symbols and not ones that only exist in fantasy media, I actually think the Satanic (no, not inverted) cross is a cool design. It has nothing to do with my stance on Satanism, I just think it's an appealing look. What methods are most effective for you when you’re trying to relax? If I REALLY need relaxation, just leave me alone and let my put on earplugs and just like, disappear from the real world for a bit. Would you rather date your opposite, your ‘twin’, or someone in between? Someone in-between, I think. More similar to me though would be preferred versus someone that's my opposite. How many videos do you have favorited on your YouTube account? I think I'm actually at the max? I think they just get replaced with newer ones by now. Do you know anyone who has carpal tunnel syndrome? Me, actually. My older sister does, too, and actually had surgery for it. Which do you prefer: M&M’s, Skittles, or Reese’s Pieces? Reese's Pieces, but I love all three. If you could be the sidekick of a superhero which superhero would you pick? If I was Spiderman's sidekick, could I throw webs and zing around like a monkey too? ;_; I think being Batman's sidekick would be pretty cool too, seeing as to my knowledge he's more about stealth, which would be fun to go along with. Do you think that you could ever win a food eating contest? No fucking way. They gross me the hell out. What is your favorite thing about the country you live in? How much freedom we have here. Although, it can definitely be abused, and some people do abuse it... Have you ever snuck somebody into your house? No. Have you ever snuck into somebody else’s house? No. Honestly, have you ever thrown garbage out of the window of a car? No, and you fucking repulse me if you do. It is not that challenging to hold onto your shit until you get out of the car and find a trashcan. Honestly, have you ever stuck gum under a table or desk? No, that shit is disgusting. Just get your lazy ass up and spit it out. Which would you find more menacing: dinosaurs or dragons? Well, considering dragons can, you know, breathe fire... Can you name three different kinds of dinosaurs? Spinosaurus, allosaurus, stegosaurus. What’s the name of the last person you kissed? Sara. Is your heart broken at the moment? Nah. Who’s the last guy you argued with? I don't know. I avoid arguing with guys to the absolute best of my ability because I'm terrified of making them mad. What about the last girl? My mom. Would you marry the last person you kissed? Not at this current time, but later down the road of us both building ourselves up, I possibly would. Who’s the last person that asked you out? Girt. Out of all of your exes, who treated you the best? Sara. Who is the person you have hurt the most? My damn self. Who is the person that has hurt you the most? Jason. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? It feels like it sometimes, but when it really comes down to it, no, I don't. Who was the last baby you held? My niece Emerson. Who’s the last guy to give you roses? Tyler. Did your parents do drugs when they were younger? My dad did quite a lot before us kids were born, apparently. I can guess pretty damn easily that Mom made him cut that shit out before having my sisters and me. Mom, to my knowledge, has never tried anything at all. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? No. Did you cry at your high school graduation? I remember I teared up slightly. What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? I have no idea. Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) No. What do you beat yourself up about the most? I'm 25 fucking years old and have never had a stable job or just felt "adult" in general. Which has hurt you more: friendship break-ups or bf/gf break-ups? The breakup with Jason, who was my boyfriend, so. What’s the most terrifying thing you’ve ever done? Gone to a mental hospital. The first time was so, so scary. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't know. Have you ever been to the ER? Many times. Have you ever been mistreated by a cop? No. Have you ever experimented with any sort of witchcraft? No. Which animals are you afraid of? Some bugs and spiders, and whale sharks are a phobia of mine. I also find giant squid to be terrifying, but also very intriguing. Oh yeah, then there's my extreme aversion to maggots and similar larvae. Did you pray to God when you were a child? Usually. Mom raised us to, but some nights I slacked with it and just wanted to sleep. What is your favorite flavor of frosting? Maaan, don't make me choose. What color is your skin naturally? Very pale. Do you own a pocketknife, or any other kind of multi-tool? No. What was the last thing you took a video of? I have no idea. I have no recordings on my phone, so. Have you ever been somewhere where you didn’t fluently speak the local language? No. Have you ever had famous neighbors? No. Do you have any medication that you keep with you at all times? Yeah, one of my anxiety meds. What are some things a house would need to have for you to purchase it? Besides the very obvious, mine has to have a dishwasher. I. HATE. Washing dishes by hand. Do you own a pet spider? No, but I DESPERATELY want some tarantulas. :( I've tried convincing her, but Mom's very adamant about the fact I will NOT own one so long as I live with her. I also love jumping spiders and attempted to convince her about one of those versus a tarantula, but still, answer's a firm no, haha. Do you call your animals “baby names”? Well duh. Have you ever been stood up? No. Do you own a fishtank? No. Do you like the song “Barbie Girl”? God no. I'll sing it jokingly, though, because y'know, childhood and all. Do you own a feather boa? No. We did at one point, though. A hot pink one. Are you allergic to peanuts? No. Do you wear ribbons in your hair? No, my hair's too short for that. I never did, though. Do you use cheat codes on video games? I generally only use codes that you can actually earn in the game for like, new outfits or weapons in subsequent playthroughs. I won't use the kinds of codes that make you invulnerable and stuff, but rather just fun little cosmetics and such. Have you ever gone mudding on a fourwheeler? Ugh, no. I don't like getting dirty, so that is NOT my kind of fun. What is your favorite flavor Jolly Rancher? Watermelon. Have you ever played Dance Dance Revolution? Of course! We had the dance mat as kids and loved to play the games. What is the last thing you dropped? I don't really remember. Have you ever done the “Cupid Shuffle?” Yeah, at school dances and such. Do you know how to do the Soulja Boy dance? Haha omg, I did as a kid. My friend, sister, and I all learned it. How long has it been since you’ve eaten a Reese’s? My mom actually got me a Reese's egg for Easter, so not long ago at all.

[nothlits-archive]

just putting this here because i have few followers and would rather talk into the void and delete later if necessary than try to condense my feelings into a tweet thread and perhaps be berated for it.

this year has been so bad and it’s only the beginning of march, to the point i made myself physically ill from stress for a while and now am actively dealing with the symptoms of depression that i usually don’t have. i’ve had problems disorder for so long that being depressed is just how i operate but now i’m actively upset a lot of the time about a lot of things, or about a few specific things, and it’s making it difficult for me to function and do daily tasks that i have no choice in doing.

despite telling management i only wanted 30 hours a week i now work 38-41 hours a week doing physical labor while dealing with chronic pain on top of the new depression. i can’t cut my hours now because i swear if i don’t get out of this house by the end of summer i will not survive, so i have to make as much money as possible to be able to move my bf here from florida and get an apartment. 

and trauma is influencing my thoughts on whether this is even an ethical thing to do considering people i trusted also moved me from texas to florida under the guise of wanting to help me have a better life and then proceeded to traumatize me severely. and i feel like somehow this is all karmic retribution and punishment of some sort and i’m doomed to repeat what they did to me. all of this despite knowing i love and care about my bf and would never want to do to someone what those people did to me under any circumstances.

my relationship of two years that i felt secure in fell apart as i was forced to realize my then partner is completely delusional and impossible to talk to anymore, which is not their fault, they just need much much more help than i am capable of giving them and the mental load on me was becoming too much. but instead of parting amicably, i got dragged through the mud as they made it messy, involved my friends (some of which i do not talk to about personal life), said cruel things to me and to my bf, and attempted to villainize me and blame me for feeling hurt by this entire situation. we broke up in late january and i haven’t processed all of my feelings yet and don’t even know how to begin to. every day, it feels like it comes at me full force again. i don’t even know how to be their friend anymore or talk to them because i’ve had my feelings so disrespected and i’m now fearful in all relationships for now. being told by someone you love that you could never be enough for them is a hard thing to deal with and i feel like i’m dealing alone.

i feel alone all the time in general. i don’t have a good relationship with my family besides my mom and younger sibling, who live six hours away. i don’t have a home environment i would describe as safe and i’m frequently threatened or otherwise made to feel worthless by people i live with, but i have nowhere else to go because i can’t afford an apartment alone making 10.20 an hour besides being unable to live alone because of being autistic and traumatized. i do everything for myself by myself for the most part. i get treated like i’m lazy and never do anything. i bend over backwards for people constantly in every aspect of my life and i cannot stop or i will feel selfish and worthless and things will fall apart. i feel like if i’m not doing something, i have no value. and i have little value as it stands.

i don’t feel like people respect me, especially online. i feel like an easy target to be misunderstood or made into the bad guy because i don’t know how to talk to people or i can’t be vulnerable enough for people to relate to me or feel any sympathy for me. in group settings i feel outcast and people either put me on a pedestal or see me as cruel for reasons outside my control. i am just a person with feelings who is struggling at any given moment to stay alive and i wish people understood that rather than expecting the impossible from me, or deciding to treat me like i can’t comprehend suffering. 

i know i’m isolating myself from my friends and from socializing in general so i can’t even be upset that i feel alone really, but i also wish that others would care for me and take care of me instead of always having to be the person giving until i can’t anymore. it feels selfish to want that and i know it isn’t even a possibility given my situation, but it’s still something i desire theoretically and something i don’t think i’ve ever had. especially in the aftermath of this breakup, it feels impossible to do enough for anyone and i keep catching myself going out of my way to be the person giving support in whatever way possible and i am emotionally exhausting myself but i don’t know how to just stop and let things be. because now i’m being conditioned to believe that the things i do for others are being tallied up and if i don’t meet some threshold unknown to me, i might as well have done nothing. people in my life can easily see me as worthless and still let me keep trying to be something they know i can never be. even people i think love me and see me as genuinely worth having around, because that just happened to me after 2 years of being led on. 

reflecting in general on this past relationship, i am realizing so many things that just absolutely destroy me emotionally, and it feels like there’s no catharsis in this. there’s no way to make things feel better again besides waiting things out and feeling what comes to me, but it’s too painful to deal with. i think about dying a lot, but know i couldn’t handle the aftermath in the event of (another) failure. 

i have lost my ability to write or draw, which were my two main methods of expression and entertainment. so now i sit by myself every day when i’m not at work and i do nothing, because there isn’t anything that really matters to me and i can’t find the energy or will to put attention into something that might help me. so i just do nothing. i just exist in complete silence. i go weeks without buying groceries or cooking now. sometimes i remember to take my meds (none of which are for mental health). i tried to read a book and read less than 100 pages in three weeks and had to return it to the library. sometimes i open comfort content and look at it for a minute and put it away again because i can’t play/read/watch/consume it comfortably, ironically. 

everything is bad. i want to feel like something is good again, but i can’t. i’ve suffered for 3 months straight. my ex broke my heart. i have to get extensive dental surgery that i could be using the money for to move and will take my entire tax return. i feel like my friends and partner hate me because now i have to be afraid lest i be betrayed again in such a huge way. i have no outlet. i have no idea how to process my feelings. 

[mldrgrl]

AU Prompt: The events of Tithonus happened Post One-Son because Scully needed a break from Mulder and partnered up with Ritter on the Fellig case. (Maybe this could be a continuation of the resignation letter two-parter, that I LOVED because you NAILED it)

:) Thank you.  Here you are.

An Inconvenient Truth

by: mldrgrlRating: PGSummary:  A sequel to Almost and The Sword of Damocles

Mulder had never been out of the office faster than when he got the call that Scully had been shot.  Not trusting himself to deal with afternoon traffic, he raced to the train station and caught the first Amtrak up to New York City that happened to leave ten minutes after he arrived.  It was the quickest option available at three hours, but if he could’ve sprouted wings and flown there, he would have.

For most of the journey, he impatiently pounded his knuckles into his knee and focused on the trees and the towns passing by in a blur.  He tried to keep the anxious mantra of ‘my fault, all my fault,’ out of his head to no avail.  Because it was his fault.  If he hadn’t been such a horse’s ass, Scully would never have even considered resigning from the x-files.  And if she hadn’t considered resigning, she therefore probably wouldn’t have even considered taking this assignment without him.  So, the reality of it was, he was the one that put her in the line of fire even if Kersh was the one that sent her to New York.

In fact, they’d fought about it before she left.  Still sore from finding her resignation letter a few weeks prior, he’d accused her of trying to ditch him and the files.  She’d done that thing she does sometimes when she’s too mad at him in the moment to speak to him, so she’d narrowed her eyes and stared directly at him with such disgust while shrugging on her coat that he had to turn his back on her.  She didn’t even say goodbye.  He’d never bear it if that argument was the last time he’d speak to her.

She was still in surgery when Mulder got to the hospital and he parked himself in a plastic chair in front of the nurse’s station to wait for news.  When he couldn’t sit still any longer, he paced.  When he couldn’t pace any longer, he harassed the nurses for information.  When the nurses glared at him for being a pain in the ass, he sat back down and tried to make himself as inconspicuous as possible.  A young nurse with cafe au lait skin and the hint of a latin accent seemed to take pity on him and left the station to approach him.

“Sir?” she asked.

Mulder took a glance at her nametag as he perked up.  “Yes?”

“Are you able to fill out this form for patient information?”

“Oh.”  He took the clipboard she offered and perused it.  He’d had Scully’s DOB, SSN, and insurance card number memorized for quite some time.  He nodded to the nurse and took the pen from the clip to start filling out the form and check the appropriate boxes.

The medical history portion had always made him cringe a little.  He hated ticking the little box that said ‘Cancer’ and then explaining the type and treatment.  The only thing he hated more was entering ‘0’ for number of children.  There were no boxes to explain Emily in Scully’s medical history.

When he finished grimacing his way through the paperwork, he signed the bottom and waited until he spotted Marisol, the nurse who gave him the forms, and then he got up to give them to her.  She flipped through the sheets quickly, with a practiced eye, and nodded her thanks.

“Oh,” she said, tapping her finger by his signature.  “What is your relationship to the patient?”

Mulder hesitated.  He’d purposefully left those boxes unchecked.  The only options were Self, Spouse, or Caregiver.  “Um,” he said.  “She’s my partner.”

Marisol nodded and ticked the ‘Spouse’ box.  He held his breath for a moment, trying to decide whether or not to correct her, but he didn’t.

“Can you tell me anything?” he asked.  “It’s been at least seven hours and I...no one’s told me anything other than she’s still in surgery.”

“As soon as I find out, I’ll let you know.”

Two hours later, Mulder was finally given the news that Scully had made it out of surgery and was in recovery.  He was also told he wouldn’t be able to see her until the next day.  He agonized about leaving, fully prepared to spend the night in the uncomfortable plastic chair he’d been waiting in, but he was essentially ordered away by the no nonsense group of nurses that had been putting up with him all day.  So, he walked outside, found a hotel on the next block over, and booked a room for the night.

Visiting hours started at 8am, so Mulder was back to the hospital at 7, haunting the nurse’s station once again.  He was able to get the name of Scully’s doctor out of them this time and he roamed the halls in search of him.

It was already after 8 when Mulder made his way to Scully’s room.  There was another man on his way out and it took Mulder about three seconds to realize it was Agent Ritter.  The younger agent appeared to be going to try to shake Mulder’s hand for a moment, but Mulder put his hands in his pockets as he stared at him.

“You’re a lucky man,” Mulder said to him.

Agent Ritter opened his mouth, hesitated, and then put his head down and walked away.  Mulder watched him slink around the corner and then he pushed open Scully’s door.  She was sitting up in the bed, her head turned towards the window.  He lingered in the doorway until she looked at him and gave him a thin smile.  He smiled back and shuffled towards her, his hand outstretched to take hers.

Their fingers came together and their thumbs touched.  He was surprised by how warm her hand was.  He circled her thumb with his in a lazy caress.  She stared at their joined hands with tired eyes.

“I talked to your doctor,” he said.  “He says you’re doing great.  Making the fastest recovery he’s ever seen.”

“Fellig?”

“Dead.”

Her hand went limp in his and her fingers slipped free.  She turned her gaze to the window again and he sat down beside her.

“Scully, I want to tell you that I-”

“One of the nurses told me that my husband had been annoying all the nurses with his relentless pacing and questions yesterday,” she interrupted.

“Well, you know me, I-”

“You filled out my intake sheet.

“I did, but-”

“Thank you.”

Mulder blinked.  He’d been expecting some sort of verbal assault.  “You’re...welcome…”

Scully sighed and looked down at her hands as she twisted the bedsheets at her lap.  “If you’re here to say ‘I told you so,’ you-”

“Not in a million years, Scully.”  He put his hand over hers to still her nervous fingers.  “If leaving the x-files is what you want...I’ll...I’ll find a way to help you do that.”

“I don’t want to leave the x-files, Mulder.  I don’t know how that idea got into your head, but you seem intent on-”

“Because I saw your letter.”

“What letter?”

“The one you were going to send to Skinner.  Your transfer request.”

Scully pressed her lips together so tightly that they turned white.  She turned to the window again and her nostrils flared with three, deep breaths.  “It’s not the files I wanted to walk away from,” she said.

Mulder swallowed back the sudden urge to vomit.  He took his hand off of Scully’s.  He didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t have to say anything.  The door opened just then and the nice nurse that helped him yesterday came in.

“You see,” she said.  “Your patience was rewarded.  Your wife is doing just fine and you can relax now.”

Mulder waited for Scully to correct the presumption, as usual, but she didn’t.  “Or my impatience,” he quipped mildly and slid off the bed.  “I’ll go ahead and…”

“You’re fine,” Marisol said, expertly working around Mulder to attach a blood pressure cuff to Scully’s arm.  “Just going to record some vitals.  I’ll only be a minute.”

Feeling a bit awkward, Mulder went to the window and stood with his back to the room.  He looked down at the street below, full of people rushing by in their morning commute.  Very faintly, he heard a horn honking and a siren.  He tried not to listen to Marisol’s questions and Scully’s answers.

“All set,” the nurse finally chirped.  “Your wife is in excellent health.  No need to worry about a thing.  Just so you know, the doctor will probably kick you out in about an hour.  The coffee across the street is much better than the one downstairs.”

“Thanks for the tip,” Mulder said.

And then the nurse was gone and it was just the two of them again.  Mulder stayed by the window and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“When do you think they’ll let you blow this popsicle stand?” he asked.

“Few days, maybe,” she answered.

He nodded.  “I can stay until you’re released.  Drive you back to DC.  Or...if you don’t want me here, I can call your mother for you.”

“You don’t have to stay.”

He nodded again and pulled one hand from his pocket to rub the back of his neck, which was suddenly aching.  His whole body was suddenly aching though, probably collateral damage from a broken heart.  It took all his willpower to move his feet, but instead of heading to the door, he found himself next to her bed again.

“Try to get some rest,” he said, bending to touch his lips to her cheek.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered.

“Neither do I,” he whispered back.

She tilted her head closer to his so her temple rested against his brow.  He closed his eyes and was still with her for a few tranquil moments before he brushed his nose along her cheek and then pulled back.  She kept her eyes on her lap.

“Obviously now really isn’t the time,” he said.  “But, maybe we should talk.”

“I imagine we probably should.”

“I’m going to go try the better coffee downstairs and see if I can extend the hotel I got another couple nights.  Do you want me to bring you back anything?”

She shook her head.  As he got up, this time she reached for his hand, grasping his fingers like he’d done when he first walked through the door.  Their thumbs met again over their knuckles and he pressed his firmly against hers.  She pressed back.

The End

[tsuuyuri]

tw for suicide, death, eating disorders, fat-shaming, skinny-shaming, anxiety, depression, bullying, etc. just don’t read if you aren’t in a good place. 

i swear to god. 

any knetizen (because yes, this is a specifically a knet problem) that sits back after sulli’s death and acts like they didnt treat her like a piece of meat to buy and sell and eat and spit out and call too fat and too skinny and so selfish and so ugly and so “out of line” like she was some evil snake when she was always just a girl being herself, expressing herself, being different from the “traditional ideal korean woman”, struggling with mental illness and eating disorders in an industry that is stressful and unhealthy and cruel and with “fans” who are absolutely nobody in comparison to who she was that sit in their homes and talk trash about her body, her “attitude”, her sex life, and whatever else on the internet for fun. 

i am sick and tired of people making excuses for korean misogyny and toxic beauty standards because “oh it’s a different culture”, whatever! a culture that promotes sink or swim standards in its education system and requires everyone gets plastic surgery no matter what in order to be considered worth anything needs to fucking change! it’s killing people and it’s been killing people for a long time! south korea has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. koreans and honestly everyone need to wake up and stop acting like this is just “crazy celebrities” because it’s not. they’re just the ones we all hear about. you don’t hear about the teenager 5 blocks down who committed suicide last week after being bullied for being gay. you don’t hear about the student that committed suicide last month because they aren’t an academic person and their parents called them stupid and punished them for not having top grades. we don’t hear about them because they aren’t famous. but we need to look at these famous people who we think have everything that makes life worth living, commit suicide and understand how much that shit probably happens with just regular ole people. for every celebrity who kills themselves, there’s 10 more non-celebrities. 

every time someone innocent commits suicide, it’s murder. it’s murder by society. it’s murder by people who tear them apart until they can’t be sewn back together again and then wonder how it could happen. 

sulli was anorexic. being anorexic is so, so fucking painful and hard and awful and it’s so much deeper than just being “pretty”. sometimes it’s needing to feel like you have something in your life under control. sometimes it’s wanting to be smaller so maybe people can’t see you anymore because you were abused. sometimes it’s just wanting to die slowly. i went to an inpatient ward 3 times by the time i turned 18 and had tubes shoved down my nose and throat because i just couldn’t eat a thing without panicking and feeling guilty. the anxiety and depression after i got out each time was so crippling that i couldn’t leave my house. i can’t even imagine getting on stage and performing in that state like people criticized sulli for not doing. “oh she’s lazy, she’s selfish, she’s not taking it seriously, she’s just acting like a princess!” she’s a young girl who was having panic attacks, being told her body type isn’t right to be an idol, who was depressed, who wasn’t sleeping enough hours. she was sick. and you made her even more sick. who the hell would want to perform for people who don’t appreciate it? negative words outweigh positive ones. netizens know that. be honest with yourself. they thought it was fun to poke at someone. they felt good talking bad about someone. they thought it was “okay” because she’s a celebrity and apparently when you sign a contract in the kpop industry, your humanity dies and nobody has to think about how their words and actions make you feel anymore. 

women in kpop are attacked all the fucking time for doing normal things. 

i looked at pictures of sulli when she looked her healthiest and i thought she was beautiful. koreans called her flat, flabby, said she had cankles, thick legs, called her fucking sulliphant. i looked at pictures of sulli when she was so thin she should’ve been in a hospital like i had been and i was scared for her but her smile was still beautiful. koreans criticized her for “getting shots and liposuction, oh it’s not natural, the bruises aren’t pretty” or praised her for finally not being “ugly” and having a pretty bodyline, having skinny legs, and for finally discovering the “true wealth of a woman is her looks” and the worst part, some still called her sulliphant and fat and ugly when she was easily under 100 lbs. it’s just unfair. it’s so unfair and horrible and it happens every day, to every female idol, some less and some more, and it happens to every single woman and even men now in some places. 

and now, im sitting here sobbing, not just because i regret not being a bigger support when sulli needed that even though it’s not my fault i wasn’t as aware of kpop, but also because i know if i were a kpop idol while going through depression, anxiety disorder, panic attacks, paranoia, and anorexia nervosa... i would be dead. i would have been dead years ago. i would be just like sulli. bullied to death by her own mind and by people who think you are their doll to throw around. 

no one should have to “stay strong” through comments like that. not a celebrity, not anyone. no one. 

korean beauty standards need an overhaul. i have had enough. anorexic isn’t beautiful. it’s painful. it should not be a singer’s job to be nice to look at in a very particular and unnatural way that only 10% of people are born looking like. 

sulli having a boyfriend got koreans so fucking angry, calling her unprofessional, a cock-sucking whore, a slut, whatever other disgusting words you can think of, but men were just as quick to ogle her and take photos up her skirt for their own enjoyment because “oh well she’s an idol, that’s what she’s there for”. women were jealous of sulli for having access to handsome and rich men they wouldn’t because she’s an idol and they’re not, so they shamed her for it. men weren’t mad about sulli having a sex life, they were mad about sulli having a sex life that didn’t involve her fucking them, so they shamed her for it. sulli was just being a person. but being a person isn’t congruent with being an idol, for some reason. 

sulli spiraled into reckless behavior and they blamed her for that too when they drove her to it. 

“she’s a celebrity, it’s what she signed up for.” 

no. she didn’t. she signed up to sing, dance, and make people happy. she didn’t sign up for people to tear her apart. 

his case is significantly different, but it’s a part of an epidemic all the same, so i’ll mention him once and not again: jonghyun didn’t pass away just for south korea to learn nothing about ignoring and shaming mental illness and torment another already tortured idol into leaving too.  

this isn’t simple cause and effect, this is prolonged bullying and attacking someone, beating them again and again until they can’t stand up again. this isn’t an isolated issue. it’s years of criticizing, terrorizing, dehumanizing, ignoring, and taking for granted, that leads to one very horrible, very permanent, very quick outcome. 

so yeah. any knet who says “rest in peace sulli” needs to rethink if they really deserve to be saying that. if you ever called this poor girl names, criticized her body as not “aesthetically pleasing”, shamed her for being in a relationship and having sex as a grown woman, sexualized her regularly, exploited her, and/or contributed at all to her feeling this horrifically bad about herself to the point she felt alienated from everyone and like she couldn’t continue living... you don’t get to grieve. you get to feel guilty. you get to feel horrible about what you said and did to this woman who was only human, and who was ostracized for being herself and for appearing strong until she couldn’t anymore. 

sulli, you are not a bad person. you are an angel now and forever. i wish we had done better for you. rest in peace, sweet girl, and know i will always think of you. you will never be just a memory. you are alive through those who truly love you and know you. 

and if you or anyone you know is struggling with bullying, depression, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts, etc., as always, please reach out and get the help you deserve. support is a phone call away. you never walk alone. even if it’s a complete stranger, there are people who want to help and who want you to live on. i want you to live on. i want us all to fight these demons and to work toward a better future. it is possible. we can and must do better. we can and must love ourselves and each other. 

be kind, take care, ask for help, give help. 

celebrity, non-celebrity, women, men, children, black, white, asian, latinx, gay, lesbian, bi, trans, non-binary, cishet, disabled, able-bodied, neuroatypical, neurotypical, etc. we are all human. 

[nemirutami]

Detective au??? Dude ur after my heart I wanna know

I WILL INDULGE YOU.... A LOT! Because who else will ask for this? No one, I say.

It’s a pegokita AU, and no one is shocked. 

There’s also a Minake detective au but it’s very different and I could talk abt that in a whole dif post.

Alright, so the basic premise is that Minato and Akira work together to solve mysteries (one big one in particular). Pretty simple, but I have additional lil details/notes I know I’ve worked out for it, so I’ll share those!

Akira is a good cop that catches bad guys, but he does it... unconventionally. He breaks laws sometimes just to catch them, which... pisses off his supervisors a lot, especially if he does property damage and costs them money. So, one day, they all collectively decide that they want to get rid of him, and decide to put him on duty with this very obscure detective agency in town. Akira isn’t happy at all, he’s such a ween about it because “I’m your best unit and you’re sending me off to God only knows where? Wtf will I do over there? What?” but he’s in enough trouble as it is so they hope that the detective that’s going to act as his mentor in that agency will be able to straighten him out and keep him in line. 

Enter Minato, the mentor they mentioned above. Minato owes Akira’s supervisor big time so he can’t possibly deny this request. However, all Minato is told is that “someone from the station will be working under you for a couple of months, consider him your new assistant” but even Minato knows that this is just code for “take this guy off our hands, we want to breathe” LMFAO, so Minato is expecting a troublemaker but God he has NO IDEA just how much trouble Akira will be.

Minato is a pretty well-known detective due to his track record. However, the hype about him died down ever since his partner was killed in a major tragedy (Sorry Aegis, in this au, I needed you to be a meat shield) and since then, Minato’s done everything to stay under the radar. For what reason? Who knows? He’s never told anyone his motive, and he pretends not to know or care when others ask him about it. Like he’s blacked out the events of years ago? He gave up on his own agency and left to work for the Kirijos, a much smaller and less known agency in an obscure part of the city. He signs all his official documents with an alias “Sakuya Shiome” so that no one can trace orders/cases back to him. For all the public knows, Minato Arisato no longer exists, and Sakuya Shiome is a separate entity entirely that has no ties to him what so ever. You hear the name “Sakuya” and all you think is “some random guy working an office job... or something”. 

That doesn’t mean people don’t know he’s alive though. People who Minato trusts know his identity. No one in the Kirijo Agency calls him “Sakuya”, and no one in public would ever assume his name was “Sakuya” since he was involved in a major tragedy that aired nationally. Mitsuru assumes Minato is trying to catch the people responsible (and she keeps asking him about it specifically to keep him from doing so...) but really... he’s just trying to live a normal life after Aegis took a hit for him. He figures, if he goes after the people responsible, all Aegis’s work will come undone, because the people they were dealing with WILL kill them on the spot if they find them. Then what? Aegis would have died for nothing so he could get away.

So, Minato’s living peacefully in secrecy not to poke a sleeping bear (bc who knows, the people he tried to expose years ago in that tragedy might still be after him). Now, enter Akira.

Akira’s police station works closely with detectives and scientists when it comes to examining evidence and gathering intel, so he knows at first glance who Minato is.

I have to mention that Akira was so not ok with this job lmfao he was a pouty grumpy bitch because “I’m better than this I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS I DID NOTHING WRONG...” but then Minato enters like “So, you’re the new assistant... eh, you’ll do.” and Akira is wide eyed bc this guy is??? His senpai? He gets doki over him... but it all fades pretty quickly when the “legendary detective” only wants him to do paperwork. 

It’s been like... Two whole weeks and Akira hasn’t stepped foot outside Minato’s office space? Whenever he asks Minato about going out and investigating, Minato turns him down and says he was ordered to help, not to whine. Minato was talked about as someone who wasn’t afraid to take risks, but most times when Akira arrives to work in the morning, he finds Minato passed out on his workdesk, probably hasn’t even left the office to go home? Stayed in there all this time? Akira’s admiration fades rather quickly, thinking, “This isn’t the person I came to admire, right?” and he calls Minato out. 

Akira’s already upset he isn’t allowed to go out and do things, and asks Minato if he isn’t ashamed to have sunk so low? To have become... lazy? A shut in? He doesn’t get a response from Minato. All Minato does is check the drawers very carefully for a case file that he hands it over to Akira. He tells him to go out and investigate on his own. Akira isn’t disappointed because this means “SUNLIGHT!!! I GET TO GO OUTSIDE!!!” but it’s so clearly a tactic Minato’s used to get Akira out of his face, so Akira calls him out on that too, and Minato doesn’t deny it at all. “Good, now leave. You have work to do.” but when Akira tries to press him to follow along, and Minato draws back with “Just get out of my face...” and that’s enough for Akira to back off... for now.

The selling point for this is that Akira’s gonna make a WHOLE LOT OF NOISE and put the agency on the map unintentionally and that’s going to result in the wrong people finding out Minato’s still alive. However, Akira being there is going to help Minato regain courage to actually go out and investigate on his own again, which he hasn’t done since the tragedy. He’ll learn to use Akira as his messenger and as his source, sending him out on missions and making Akira travel to areas he can’t reach on his own.

This is a detail they only find out later, but during the tragedy where Aegis dies, Minato ends up breaking his leg. Since the team that killed Aegis are still onto him, he has to check out of the hospital almost immediately after surgery and turn down therapy for the sake of survival. So, the group that actually helps him recover some mobility is the Kirijo group (perhaps the only people Minato would trust with his life when it came to that sort of thing). So, Minato can move, he can walk, but he can’t run for long periods of time.

He never really bothered to recover more than necessary, because he was sure he wouldn’t be able to ever step outside again, so he only regained enough mobility to walk back and forth between his apartment and his office space (which are all pretty close, and even then, he sleeps in his office when he doesn’t have the energy to walk back home). 

There are a few more notes I think, but this will suffice for now. Detective AUS... I love detective AUS...

[donnerpartyofone]

TL;DR - i finally got an MRI for my ear, which has been fucked up and constantly clogged since september and developed tinnitus in february, and apparently, supposedly, there is nothing wrong with it. so there’s nothing to do about it. so just like with my eye and my skin and my lung and my etc, i have a problem that i can’t do anything about, that i can’t even get the satisfaction of a diagnosis for, and i’m so pissed off about how much time and energy i’ve spent trying to improve things for myself when there was absolutely no point in doing so, that i just want to set my body on fire to really show it what i think of it.

i’m so, so mad. the last couple of months have been almost nothing but wall to wall doctor’s appointments, and with zero exception, they have all been a complete waste of time. it hurts because my body tortures me, of course, but it hurts worse than that because i convinced myself that i HAD to do this, that it was Mature to face my fear of doctors and generally the Right Thing to Do, when i absolutely didn’t want to do any of this at all.

i suffer a lot from an internalized impression of myself as being lazy, defeatist, and dramatic. it comes from a lot of places. i grew up in an environment where i was the only open depression sufferer, under one parent who definitely considered depression to be an antisocial behavioral problem, to be treated like any other shallow cry for attention. i also grew up in an environment full of obvious talents, all of whom would go on to be published, or even public figures, and not to be a complete asshole, but the idea that “you can do anything you put your mind to” is kept alive by people who have the baseline talent necessary to succeed at things they put their minds to. if you subscribe to the idea that success requires nothing other than commitment, then the implication is that all failure is a matter of laziness, petulance, and defeatism--never lack, never inferiority, never ordinariness. on top of all this, my personal interests--horror, sexually graphic media, comics, underground music movements, the usual roundup of morbid or antisocial cultural items--were considered pretty much...well, not very adult. so what i’m coming to is that if i can’t prove my adulthood in any way that has to do with who i am or what i’m capable of, then the very least i can do is Be Responsible. (and of course i get made fun of all the time for being an uptight rule follower but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, LITERALLY WHAT ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO)

one of the main ways you can Be Responsible, if you have the means that is, is to look after your health. the world is full of icky, boring, degrading, depersonalizing, and occasionally painful tasks that are necessary to keep the societal cogs turning. if you can’t make art or have ideas or be beautiful or become an athlete or whatever, you can still show that you’re alive and generally hygienic by going to the dmv, voting, showing up for jury selection, or going to the doctor. you can still grasp the final shred of integrity offered to you by doing things no one wants to do, but that we know are necessary for the vitality of self and society. so i’m extra good at doing stuff that people my age frequently shirk--the dentist appointments, the doing your taxes the second the forms come in, etc--because they’re sort of the only things i can do that prove that i’m not, you know, a complete piece of shit.

so this year, at the start of february, i decided i was going to get a real handle on my health. i’d been going to doctors for various things already, of course, even though it was pretty much never satisfying; the only thing i can think of that ever got fixed or explained was the pathological growth of scar tissue over my eyeballs, which required some pretty fucked up surgery. but at this time, i had a lot of problems building up. my left eye developed a small spot, and a constant glare that borders on having double vision. my right ear remained completely stuffed up since i had a cold last fall, and began to ring constantly at the end of the winter. my right lung has felt alarmingly tight and weak for...years actually. the right side of my face is constantly beet red, like i go fresh with somebody’s wife, and i can see how it’s thickening and bending my flesh all out of shape, which rosacea will do progressively and incurably throughout your entire life. i decided that instead of quaking in fear of doctors, and also in fear of wasted time, i was going to straighten my back and go nip this shit in the bud. after all, when you’re miserable but not doing anything about it, people kind of hate you, and then you have THAT problem on top of all your real problems. sometimes you gotta give the people what they want.

so how did it all go?

my skin: since no insurance company considers rosacea a medical problem, which is actually complete fucking bullshit, i decided to take matters into my own hands. i researched what rich people do for their uninsurable problem, and decided to use my recent (traumatic) inheritance to take care of myself. i tried three different preposterously expensive topical treatments that i was told are a “magic bullet” for rosacea, and all of them made my face blow up like a fucking macy’s day balloon. then, after four rounds of extremely expensive, painful and scary laser treatments, i had absolutely no results other than that my face was actually MORE reactive for about a month after the last one. i’m fucked.

my eye: according to my optometrist and ophthalmologist and corneal specialist it’s “just” regular scar tissue from my terrifying surgeries, not the pathological scar tissue that i had to have removed via terrifying surgery and localized chemotherapy. this kind of sucks because it means i can’t just get it removed again, but at least there is a slight chance that my body will reabsorb it like regular scar tissue. (oh yeah? and what’s my luck USUALLY like?) my only “treatment option” is to use eyedrops four times a day, which is actually extremely uncomfortable, and which pretty much means i’m just not allowed to wear makeup ever again.

my lung: after two rounds of clear x-rays and a breathing test that only detected slight asthma, through two GPs and a pulmonologist, nobody has anything to say about why i have this chronic breathing problem. there’s some indication that it might be a “muscular-skeletal problem” that’s putting pressure on the one lung, so i guess i need to add a physical therapist or something to my endless list of specialists.

my ear: two or three trips to urgent care (i forget how many now), two GPs, an ENT, a fucking weird hearing test, and an MRI have done absolutely nothing for me. after a cold with a sinus/ear infection last fall, my right ear remained permanently slammed shut; if i pop it, it closes back up in seconds. i do not have the same problem with the other ear, it is clearly a physical problem. in february, my ear began to ring agonizingly and has not stopped for a second. in all this time, i went through round after round of antibiotics, antihistamines, anti-inflammatories, steroids, etc. nothing works. no one can see any type of problem. apparently i have the option of electing to have a tube surgically inserted into my ear, although i can’t quite figure out what the risk factor is, both for my tinnitus, and for my hearing in general. 

and OF COURSE, depression: part of the stigma against depression is that it’s a choice, somehow. like fresh air and exercise and looking on the bright side are so effective that if you’re depressed, it must be because you LIKE IT THAT WAY, because otherwise you would use these simple and free cures for your so-called illness and it would be all over, right? anyway i kind of hate being depressed, and i’ve been working my fucking ass off trying to deal with it. i see a nutritional therapist (a licensed psychiatrist) who prescribed me a number of nutritional supplements that i do think help, but they are unthinkably hard on my stomach. i tried lexapro, and it made me feel so abnormal, and cut into my general quality of life so badly, that i didn’t keep it up. i tried a generic version of wellbutrin, and it made me violently sick to my stomach, and caused my ringing ear to ring deafeningly for days after a single dose. the brand name version wasn’t much better. then i tried lamictal, and felt totally great AND NORMAL for like a week, and then i got the rare and potentially deadly lamictal rash. sometimes this just indicates a basic allergy, and sometimes it indicates Stevens-Johnson Syndrome which causes something called TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS WHICH REQUIRES LONG TERM HOSPITALIZATION TO GROW YOUR SKIN BACK. i had to deal with this on the day of mandatory final exam presentations in a class where i was already struggling, and this was one of the darkest days i can recently remember. after this, my psychiatrist tried to prescribe me abilify, but after i started to hear about the side effects and personal testimony of certain friends, i decided i couldn’t handle it. very possibly, i just cannot be medicated for depression, unless i’m willing to sacrifice everything else around the depression too. 

...this is all pretty much a retread of an experience i had for a few years, a few years ago, where i was having these abnormal paps, so they constantly had to drill painful core samples out of my cervix to keep checking up on the NOTHING that was going on in there, until one day they were just like...uh your tests are coming back fine now, and we don’t know why they didn’t before, and it just doesn’t matter, you don’t have to do this anymore PLUS you could have just been sitting on your couch jerking off this entire time and it would have done exactly as much good as this cycle of being humiliated and tortured by doctors in a while that leaves you curled up in a ball sobbing every time. i’m still pretty pissed off about it, if you can’t tell.

so like i don’t know why the fuck i’m doing all this. i don’t know why i do anything. nothing fucking comes from even my most herculean effort except a relentless sense of mystery that is starting to border on satire. i don’t know why i have so many problems. i’m 38 years old and i’m in ok shape. i don’t have generalized immune issues or anything. my doctor said i have some of the best lab work she’s ever seen. why the fuck does all this shit happen to me. i’m trying so fucking hard to enjoy my life. it’s hard to be in mental and physical pain all the time, the latter for absolutely no coherent reason. i mean i’d rather have a bunch of random problems than like, lupus or MS or something, for sure, but everything that happens to me is so meaningless and arbitrary, i’m starting to get that feeling like god hates me. it’s also hard to have the constant feeling that so many people think that failure to enjoy life is exclusively a matter of “not trying hard enough”, being a pill, looking for attention. i don’t know what to do anymore. i’m real pissed. i think what i need is a change of philosophy, which will be a long hard road. at least i know it’s the one and only area where i, and only i, have some level of control. wish me luck.

[in-this-light-on-this-evening]

99 Question Tag

@your-basket-case tagged me - thank you so much dear!!! I'm a giant sucker for tag games, so here. WE. GO.

1.DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED?

Actually it's always half open because I need that air to circulate hah!

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS?

Only if I like the smell.

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

Tucked in! How can you sleep with sheets tucked out omg?

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE?

I WISH

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT-NOTES?

Hm not really. I usually keep a big notebook/notepad on my desk and I fill it with things to remember, drafts, etc

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM?

We don't have as a big coupon culture here in Italy as it happens to be in America but sometimes I do!

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES?

Bear.

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES?

No but I wish I had them!

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES?

For selfies yes, for other pictures not so much.

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE?

I have to many, honestly, but I guess Cancelled Culture and psycho stans are the biggest at the moment.

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK?

Maybe.

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS?

Yes. Traumatising experience.

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS?

You insane? I'm too scared of pooping in the woods.

14. I think I deleted this question on accident.

Lost in time and spaaace!

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS?

Chewing pens and pencils? In this economy?

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK?

3 with my imaginary lover.

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED?

I think it's an European King sized but I'm not 100% sure. I WANT THE CEASAR ONE.

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK?

Hm, I'm still losing my mind over "Almost (Sweet Music)" by Hozier but I just discovered the new James Blake's album and that, as a whole, is a big mood for this week as well.

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK?

Bitch yes?

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS?

Sometimes.

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE?

Hm, nothing comes to my mind at the moment.

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME?

I can't tell you. It wouldn't be hidden anymore although:

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER?

Diet coke or water because I'm too broke for wine.

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN?

Nothing. I die like men.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD?

Sushi, pizza, pierogi, carbonara, tomato & corn salad, fried mozzarella, tiramisù.

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE?

Stardust, Dead Poets Society, Mean Girls, Little Miss Sunshine

27. LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU?

A guy that broke my heart last year.

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT?

Yes!

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE?

If I wasn't an ugly potato... yes.

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER?

2 years ago, I think.

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR?

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET?

Who do you think I am? A redneck?

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS?

No.

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH?

Rye bread + thin spread of cream cheese + lettuce + thin slices of chicken or smoked ham + tomatoes + red onion + pickled artichoke

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST?

Granola. Dry. Straight from your hand as if you're a starving horse in disguise.

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME?

00:00-01:00AM

37. ARE YOU LAZY?

I'm not lazy. I procrastinate.

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN?

Back in time Halloween wasn't a thing in Poland, so unfortunately I didn't dress up.

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN?

I'M A HORSE.

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK?

3: Italian, Polish and English

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS?

Nein, but I'd like to get Wired subscription.

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS?

What are even Lincoln Logs... Did Lincoln harvest the logs himself, though?

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN?

Yes and no. Depends on the situation.

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN?

My tit.

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS?

Not anymore.

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS?

Not really. But if I find myself on the edge of something high without a fence, I'll probably panic and casually fall down.

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR?

Do I sing? No. I PERFORM.

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?

Only when I'm home alone.

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR?

Yeah, sometimes when the inspiration and the right bop kick in.

50. EVER USED A GUN?

A glue gun.

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER?

Does the mugshot for the drivers licence count?

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY?

Depends.

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL?

The concept by itself isn't stressful. My family tends to ruin it with the overdramatic stress.

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI?

BITCH THAT'S MY MOTHERLAND'S MEAL WE SNIFF THAT SHIT LIKE COCAINE.

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE?

Apple, rhubarb, pear.

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

Doctor, fashion designer, archeologist, paleonthologist...

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

Yes. I've had paranormal experiences and I'm still not over it.

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING?

Very often.

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY?

No. I die like men.

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS?

Yes!

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE?

I don't have any but I would like to wear one of those super cozy and soft ones!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED?

Hmm, depends. Now I'm wearing a hoodie, leggings and socks because it's cold as fuck.

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT?

I'm pretty sure it was DeMono, a Polish band. I casually saw them with my parents when we were on holiday back in 1997.

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART?

I'M NOT AMERICAN BITCH. TESCO.

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS?

Both actually!

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS?

What the fuck are FRITOS? I've never tried them, so I can't answer lol!

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS?

BOTH. I'm a sucker for NUTS.

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN?

Of what now? Is this another American thing I'm not aware of because of my ancient and unbothered European nature?

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS?

Nein!

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING?

I don't care, really. I do care about them doing what they love and want to do. If they'll be happy about it, so will I :')

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE?

Sí, señor!

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE?

We don't have this in Europe asdfkgkf

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY?

Kind of.

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS?

I have regular cd's but I would love to start a vinyl record collection.

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER?

Not yet!

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE?

I used to but I don't do that anymore.

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE?

Yes but nobody loved me back.

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT?

QUEEN. On the more possible side: Andrea Boccelli, The Struts, George Ezra, MORE HOZIER, The Killers, Arctic Monkeys... The list goes on!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW?

HOZIER. It was a magical experience, I love him so much, I want to cry 😭♥️

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA?

Both.

81. TEA OR COFFEE?

Tea.

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES?

Both.

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL?

Avarage just so I don't die sucked into the abyss.

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE?

Wait, people CAN'T do that? What dysfunction do you have? It's literally so easy?

85. ARE YOU PATIENT?

Yes, very much but in the last couple of years I've started slowly losing my shit in certain situations.

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING?

Band.

87. EVER WON A CONTEST?

No. I'm an avarage bitch that thinks she's more than that but the truth is that I'm not a winner.

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY?

Does the surgery on my toe count?

89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES?

BLACK

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET?

Not yet but I will learn at some point!

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE?

Living room.

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED?

If I meet the love of my life then yes. The bar is too high, though, so I'm not sure if that's gonna happen haha!

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

/

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH?

His name was William and that was the most embarrassing moment of my life because a bitch that considered herself as my "friend" told everybody that I had a crush on him. When he got to know it, he basically humiliated me in front of the entire clique, if not the whole school. I hate him ever since and it's been already 10 years or so.

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY?

No.

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

My dog is my son.

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS?

Kids? In this economy? On this planet? Just for my liking? Absolutely fucking not. That would be a crime and absolute torture for them and I don't want them to suffer as I do.

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

Black, emerald green, gold, yellow, purple.

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW?

Freddie Mercury.

I tag: @santonicababy, @chaotic-pansexual, @songparade, @fossa-poplitea and everybody else who wants to do this! :’D

[thepackwantsthed]

OMG PLEASE please do a part 4 of Lance and James meeting again! Your story is amazing (///▽///)

I’m glad you’re enjoying!!!

You ended up being like the third person to ask for part four, so what about part six instead? The end of part five technically happens…during this one? But we’ll ignore that. 

Also this kinda ignores that the Paladins appear to attack Sendak like…immediately? But honestly, they GAVE SHIRO AN ARM? There had to be days/hours before Pidge set up things with Sendak’s memories, time for them to interrogate the memories, they had to set up the surgery, days of planning for the mission for Hunks parents, the actual day of the surgery, an admittedly short adjustment time for Shiro, and then time to do more than just say “the plan is for you all to fucking astral project into your lions.”

ALSO SLIGHTLY NSFW. It’s vague and NOT explicit, but it’s there. Hence the read more

Part Five |  AO3 Link

They get back to the Garrison and Griffin watches as Lance collapses in front of his family, watches as they fold him into their arms. It brings a smile to his face, because he knows how desperate he was to see Lance and he knows his family is feeling that but ten times more intense. 

Still, Lance’s mother looks up from her son’s body after a moment and finds him. She gives him a look, one that he knows is telling him to join them. 

Griffin appreciates the offer, but he shakes his head and gestures to his cruiser which the Princess and Shiro are stepping out of. He still has work to do. He can’t stop just to join in a reunion. If he did, he’d probably get thrown off any mission relating to the Paladins for the rest of the war and that was the last thing he needed. 

Things are not perfect. The Paladins are soldiers, but it becomes rapidly apparently that they aren’t Garrison cadets anymore, not Garrison soldiers. There are clashes in their chains of command. The Paladins defer to Princess Allura and Shiro for their plans, but Keith in the field and ultimately it’s Lance responsible for making sure that the plans are carried through. Hunk and Pidge seem to be the only ones that are really followers, but even then the two of them step into the foreground when it comes to their areas of expertise. 

They have little respect or patience for the Garrison’s way of doing things. 

It causes some tension. 

But Griffin and Lance do their best not to let it effect them outside of command meetings or the missions they end up on. 

Instead they spend their free time trying to relearn how to be together, trying to remember what it’s like to be with each other instead of galaxies apart. 

Lance tells stories of space, of Arusians trying to sacrifice themselves to the Altean Princess and mermaids and castles trying to kill him, and Griffin tells him about senior year at the garrison, about flying Altean tech, about life on Earth now that the Galra have taken over. Lance tells Griffin about the year he’d spent flirting with anything and anyone he saw because thinking about Griffin hurt so much, about the three years of time he’s missed, about the year and a half they spent trying to get back to Earth and how Lance thought about him each day. Griffin tells Lance about waiting for him for five years, about the moments when his friends encouraged him to move on and the moments when everything seemed so distant that Griffin almost gave in to blind days and hook-ups before remembering nothing would be the same if it wasn’t with Lance. 

They begin to learn the new things about each other and remember the little things they forgot. Griffin remembers Lance’s love of garlic knots when he whines about their not being any in the Garrison and how he desperately wants one, remembers how lazy and touch-y Lance gets when he’s sleepy, remembers how much Lance likes the small difference in their heights and how he loves tucking Griffin up against him. He learns how Lance has learned to focus over the years, learns how Lance now speaks in a bizarre mixture of English and Spanish and Altean, learns how Lance has come to treasure every bit of shampoo and conditioner and lotion that he gets his hand on and how he’ll make it last as long as possible. 

Griffin relearns the feeling of Lance’s hand in his, the same warmth but with more callouses on his fingers from triggers that he’d pulled. Griffin relearns the feeling of Lance’s arms wrapping around him, the same positions as always but his arms broader and his hold a little tighter now. Griffin relearns the feeling of Lance’s lips against his, soft and chapped like they were as teenagers but the kisses growing more confident as they remember that they’ve waited years for each other and there’s no reason to hesitate the way they did before. 

They’d had a sex life at the Garrison, but not much of one considering they both roomed with two other people. It was harder to manage to get two people out of a room than just one. So when that starts up again, rather quickly after their reunion if Griffin’s being honest, it’s less about the old and more about the new. Things are slow and awkward going, because they’re both essentially seventeen year olds when it comes to sex, but eventually they grow more comfortable. Griffin learns how Lance’s hip bones feel under his fingertips, held in one place. He learns how Lance’s forehead feels pressed between his shoulder blades, his breath ghosting against Griffin’s skin as he presses in to him. He learns how Lance’s thighs feel under his fingers as Griffin’s nails dig into his skin, trying to deal with the slow tease of Lance sliding down. He learns how it feels when they collapse together, sweaty and messy but content to spend a few minutes in each other’s arms. 

It’s not the same as it was when they were seventeen. They aren’t the boys that they were back then, they’ve both changed too much for their relationship to be the way it was then. Griffin misses those days sometimes, misses how much easier things were, but he loves the way things are now and he knows that their relationship is better now than it was before. 

In the minutes before they all leave to destroy the Zaiforge cannons, Griffin makes his way to Lance and Veronica. 

“Lance,” he calls out, catching Lance’s attention before his boyfriend can get into the vehicle. Lance turns. When he sees Griffin coming towards him, he hops back down and meets Griffin halfway. 

“Hey,” Lance greets when they’ve reached each other. “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to say bye, since I didn’t get to say it last time.”

“I’m not disappearing like I did last time,” Lance points out. Griffin knows that Lance’s word isn’t enough to ensure that something won’t happen to him, but it still soothes something in his soul. “I’m going to go to base one, get Red, and destroy my cannon. You’ll drop Keith off at his base, meet up with your team, and destroy your cannon. Then we’ll meet back here.”

“I hope so,” Griffin said. And then he leaned forward, bringing them closer together so that he could brush their lips together. He stayed close to Lance for a moment after the kiss, murmured, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Lance returned, leaning in for another kiss. 

They rested their foreheads together afterwards, sharing a quiet moment. 

After a few seconds, Griffin took a deep breath and leaned backwards. 

“Alright,” he said. “Time to save the god damn world.”

Lance let out a laugh, nodding in agreement. 

Predictably, things don’t go the way they plan. 

Part Seven

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveyss 025.

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged? ummm, at one point I thought we would be together hahaha. I donno.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct? No

3. Have you taken someones virginity? Nooooooo

4. Is trust a big issue for you? It is. I have been working on being more trusting and then stuff happened that blew my trust entirely. I’m trying to remember that other people don’t need to suffer for things they did not do. I don’t want to be distrusting of everyone. I just need to figure out what I’m doing wrong.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently? no.

6. What are you excited for? this weekend will be nice

7. What happened tonight? It’s not night time yet.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted? why would it be only disgusting for girls? 

9. Is confidence cute? confidence is great.

10. What is the last beverage you had? diet coke

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust? at the moment, none. thats a shame, I know.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans? Yes.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night? party!!!!

14. What are you going to spend money on next? stuff for tomorrow’s trip

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed? heck no

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months? absolutely.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything? I don’t. I used to tell Kile all the things, but we don’t talk anymore. I know that eventually both of us will find new people to talk to, but I think it’s just a little raw for that ... at least for me right now. Perhaps he is sharing his life with other people already, I wouldn’t know.

18. The last time you felt broken? currently. But I’m trying to mend.

19. Have you had sex today? No.

20. Are you starting to realize anything? yeah

21. Are you in a good mood? I’m ok. I mean, I’m not entirely, but I’m ok.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks? why does this keep coming up?

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s? same color family yes, but not the same shade

24. What do you want right this second? a really strong thunderstorm. Not gonna happen, but a girl can dream.

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy? I think it’s possible he could be. I just try not to think about it. I wouldn’t say anything.. he’s allowed to do what he wants to do. He doesn’t belong to me :\

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color? Yeah

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh? I have but that is nottttttt what I like. I prefer to laugh.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh? mario... orrrrr perhaps the gentleman at the arboretum who was telling me that there was a mosquito problem. NO JOKE DUDE.

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now? kile andrew. i hate being without him.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance? I think it’s important that we offer grace. 

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to? I’m indifferent. I really don’t know him all that well.

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do? He does, but I don’t think he feels that he can do anything about it. Which is so far from the truth, but I understand we see things differently.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda? I only drink diet sodas and I’m starting to do more water in preparation for hard 75

34. Listening to? piano

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore? I did earlier for some puzzles I just bought, but man it annoys me.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is? I don’t.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe we can get gut instincts that someone is just... going to be someone we fall for.

38. Who did you last call? savers

39. Who was the last person you danced with? myself in the car today

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed? He was my boyfriend at the time. He was a great kisser. 

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake? Its been a real long time. Hard to find GF cupcakes.

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today? No

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush? Of course. tis what I do lol

44. Do you tan in the nude? No. I would consider it if I had land that wasn’t viewable by neighbors

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss? Not anything I concern myself with.

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? Just about. I think we got off zoom at like 12ish and I fell asleep shortly after. 

47. Who was the last person to call you? My brother

48. Do you sing in the shower? oh heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck yes.

49. Do you dance in the car? oh heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck yes.

50. Ever used a bow and arrow? I have! not too shabby at it.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? when I was a child... like 2 years old. maybe younger.

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy? I do.

53. Is Christmas stressful? no, it is everything beautiful and good. people tend to find the stressful bits of any situation and amplify it to self sabotage a good thing. 

54. Ever eat a pierogi? yup

55. Favorite type of fruit pie? pumpkin

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? missionary, work in an orphanage, vet, mechanic.

57. Do you think someone is thinking about you? part of me selfishly hopes so. The other part of me doesn’t want him to fixate on things if it stresses him out.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? YES!

59. Take a vitamin daily? I got out of the habit but I need to get back into it.

60. Wear slippers? oh frick yeah

61. Wear a bath robe? No. I always think maybe I’ll learn to do so, but I don’t like the feeling of being in lazy pajamas all day long. When I was a kid, my mom and sister would wear their bathrobes all morning long and then that meant that when we would need to go somewhere, they would still need 1-2 hours. It drove me nuts.

62. What do you wear to bed? sometimes shorts and a tee, sometimes a tee, sometimes a tank, sometimes nothin. it just depends.

63. First concert? country thunder

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target

65. Nike or Adidas? no preference 

66. Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos.

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? peanuts

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song? I’d lie

69. Ever take dance lessons? Yeah.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? I always envisioned a helper position (firefighter, police, medical, etc)

71. Can you curl your tongue? Yes.

72. Ever won a spelling bee? yea

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Yes.

74. What is your favorite book? pride & prejudice

75. Do you study better with or without music? With.

76. Regularly burn incense? nooooo.

77. Ever been in love? I sure have

78. Who would you like to see in concert? probably anyone at this point lol

79. What was the last concert you saw? uhhhh a bunch of performers at lollapalooza

80. Hot tea or cold tea? peach iced tea thx

81. Tea or coffee? tea

82. Favorite type of cookie? Chocolate chip.

83. Can you swim well? I can hold my own, but I’m no phelps

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Yes.

85. Are you patient? typically very

86. DJ or band, at a wedding? I think the idea of a band is dreamy, but I couldn’t afford that.

87. Ever won a contest? yes! scripture memorizing, dance dance revolution, a guessing game,

88. Ever have plastic surgery? have I? no.

89. Which are better black or green olives? no olives. BLEgH

90. Opinions on sex before marriage? I totally respect that some people really love that. It’s not for me. 

91. Best room for a fireplace? Living room AND bedroom

92. Do you want to get married? Of course.

[wordsofword]

Life update as bein coass

Helloo worldddd

welcome back to my tumblr wkwkwk

u know, I’m actually still visiting my tumblr page approximately once a month but never posting anymore becoz apparently I lost lots of my vocabularies and I feels like I no longer speak or write fluently in english again huhu

Yowman my life is upgrading and evolving way too much and still can’t believe I’m steppin on clinical year. Been roughtly 10 months as a slave. Kidding.

Coass life is pretty nerve racking, soul jerking, and ultimately frightening. As now I’m on neurology department, I feel under pressure because the consultant is so brainy but also so mean. They become so harsh and able to roast you in front of your patient if you did wrong in the examination or if u can’t answer correctly of their “super” question. So here’s my everyday life as coass:

The schedule on minor rotation is designed to be on ‘on-off’ pattern. So, if today you are in charge then tomorrow is your time to relax and enjoy your holiday. (ha? really? it’s not that hard, why do you grumbling a lot???) hehe yeah, thinking that we still have a day off after being roasted or burned alive is considered as blessing but yeah heartache is still heartache no matter how long you take a break. Oh also we are not really free when we are on ‘day off’, we still have zoom schedule sometimes.

So what we actually do if it’s the day we are in charge? It’s depend on what duty you are on, you can be in outpatient or inpatient room or in bahasa we say “dinas poli” or “jaga ruangan”. 

If we are in charge on outpatient room, we go on hospital at 7.00 am and begin to do examination and (guessing) diagnosis and therapy as we can before the consultant came. After the consultant came, we direct the patient and show (explaining what we got on examination) to the consultant. The consultant then re examine the patient (if she isn’t believe or doubt you haha) and give the therapy to the patient. In this time beware of many question that will bombard you, just like “How is the motoric of this patient? are the propioseptic normal? If she complain numbness till toes where is the possible segment of medspin that injured? etc etc depend of the patient’s clinical symptom). It goes on until the last patient. Then if we are lucky enough we can get discussion session of rare case or interesting case from the patient. The outpatient department is close on 13.00 and we can go home.

Contrary to the vibes of outpatient duty that still less frightening, being in charge on inpatient room is more scary and terrifying. You must arrive at hospital at 4.00 am or earlier because you need to report the patient to the consultant before 7.00 am. Not only reporting the patient, your task is also follow up (examine) the progression of the patient. Then after all the neuro patient followed up, you wait for the consultant to arrive approximately at 9.00 am and that’s the time to do “visite” together with your luvly consultant. Don’t forget we need to ‘show’(explain) the patient we followed to the consultant. So it’s like we describing the identity, chief complain, etc etc as like “Here’s doctor Mrs. X 50 y.o with hemorrhagic stroke onset day 4, today the patient has no complaint, the patient still have hemiparese dextra with muscle strength 4455, the patient have received nicardipine pump ....,...”. Even if the consultant ignore you, you still need to show up your patient. This term when I was in surgery rotation is called “being a bird” wkwkwk keep chattering even the doctor ignore you. OK thats it. Ah I forget, still, beware to be showered by questions or if you are not lucky enough the consultant can shower you with lots of “you are dumb and ignorance!” haha

Well, ciao...i will update more about coass life if I’m not lazy.

Dont forget to stay in line with our motto “What dosesn’t kill you make you stronger” and “Tetap hidup meskipun agak ruwet” hehehe

Byeee all~~

[serenehurricane]

How Original

Surprise surprise. Another millennial talking about depression. Welp, here’s my drop in the bucket towards normalizing mental health issues. 

Depression. Different for all but felt by, in my opinion, everyone. At some point in time, everyone has felt depression to some degree. The lucky ones find their way out of it. While the rest of us seem to almost revel in it. Quite possibly thrive in it. Let’s be honest, sometimes it is easy to just stay in the downwards, crippling, debilitating hole that is depression. But I may just be speaking for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a privilege for me to say that because there are some who don’t get to just “get away” from it. That is absolutely valid. However, I do know for myself this isn’t something that I have been blindly battling my entire life. My childhood and early young adult years did not have the haze that has become my life’s filter. The fog settled in sometime around the middle of my college years. From a so nearly toxic home life to fumbling around college pretending that I knew what I was doing to losing my core friend group (unfortunately, rightfully so), I became so lost in the fog that I questioned every step I took. I’m lucky that I even finished school. Right when I nearly decided to drop out, since I had lost any/all motivation to graduate, I talked to my counselor and found out I had like 3-ish semesters left. Hearing that made me decide that I was too close to stop. Then I did it. I graduated. I was so excited to be done and felt so accomplished because I did it. After some time went by though, the victory I thought I had felt hollow. Like I had planted a seed, nurtured it for all those years, to finally have a giant sequoia only to discover that I could knock it down with a slight push. A ‘big” accomplishment reduced to dust in the wind. 

Alright so the stage has been set. That was my introduction into the realm of depression. I had some “crutches” along the way. School keeping me focused on something. A couple jobs where I had the privilege to learn more about myself and met some pretty incredible people. Even after I graduated, I kept working because I liked what I did. The restaurant/bar industry is for me. I have come to realize that I thrive in that environment. 

Cue: COVID-19

Like many other bars, mine got “semi” shut down. We would do take out here and there but nothing that could fully sustain us so in the end, the bar was sold. First crutch: something to keep me occupied/focused on something - GONE. Just before the panoramic hit, I moved far enough away from the people that became my family and going back was not as simple as it used to be. Our relationship suffered because of it but no matter where I am in my life, I will always be there for them and they know that. Second crutch: the people who basically were my family - GONE (or just not as easily accessible). Now for the panoramic. I consider myself an introverted homebody with extroverted tendencies. I love to be at home. Comfortable by myself, with my partner, or the people I love. I don’t need to be out doing something all the time. Home is great for me. However, I recognize that I do thrive in a social environment. Interacting with people is something that I know I am good at and I like doing it. Third crutch: social interaction - GONE. 

I now can see that as “complete” of a person I thought I was before, having both of my main crutches and even my back-ups taken out from under me has shown me that I truly haven’t been walking on my own two feet. Now that isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it is something that I have been made painfully aware of in this past YEAR now that this madness has been going on. So here I am limping with no support. The surgery would be rough and the recovery time, unbearable. So here I sit. Hoping it’s just going to heal on its own. Wishing that I don’t have to go through the pain and time it’s going to take for it to be back at hopefully 100%. It hurts right now but it’s manageable because I don’t have to move. I can just stay right here. Simple. 

Debilitating. As much as I try to push it away, dress it up as something else, shit blame it on something completely irrelevant, I always circle back. I’ve actually recognized a routine that I do. From beginning to end, I see it unfold. There is one thing that I have noticed. Wanting to break free and actually breaking free from it are two completely separate things. I thought I was breaking free but going through the cycle multiple times has shown me that I only repeat the same things over and over again. I just want to break free. It stops there. You would think that sounds like a “call to action” but I guess it’s just not enough for me. So there I sit, just like the first time I went through it all the way to this day. I have actually physically tracked my “cycles” and to look back at my record, it sucks to  be confronted with knowing that I haven’t moved. 

All that being said, (if you haven’t noticed) I’m back to square one. The beginning of my cycle. So here’s something a little different from what I’ve done in the past. Putting something out there on the internet. Even though no one is going to read this, there is a sense of accountability to putting it here. Not that I visit here very often, when I do eventually come back here’s what I want to know:

1. Where are you at now?

2. What’s different from the day you posted this?

3. Are you healing properly?

4. Why did you come back to this post?

5. What are you going to do now?

You got your answers? Alright. Now here’s where I am going to kick you in your ass. Whatever you think you’re doing right now is not working. From writing out your thoughts to waiting for a “sign” to “feeling like something is about to happen” none of it is getting you anywhere. You’ve done this enough times to know that yet here you are again. Right back to where you started. I get that you feel like you’re doing something good and, to a certain degree, what you’re doing isn’t “wrong” but after doing it enough times you should know that it’s not going to yield you the results that you want. So it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and stand again. Feel the pain that is coming because you refuse to get your injury fixed. Even though the procedure is simple. You’re equally being lazy and ignorant all at the same time. Enough is enough. If you still want to write out your thoughts, put it in the comments of this post. If you’re still looking for a sign, let this be it. If you’re getting that feeling again, and I can’t stress this enough, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN UNTIL YOU MAKE SOMETHING HAPPEN. Point black. Period. Let that sink in. It sucks and it hurts but hey, what comes next is beautiful. Trust in yourself. Lean on those around you if you need to. Let’s do this together. First step ... 

Begin Again

[hernandezabygayle1995]

Bruxism Plaque Eye-Opening Cool Tips

Few days later you began to experience other annoying symptoms of TMJ dysfunction. Using muscle relaxants or pain when the mouth contributing to facial pain accompanied by soreness in the first line of defense for those who have a family history of depression and sleeplessness.The first treatment generally suggested is the only ones who get their teeth and it is important to address your TMJ as most of us use them for common activities like eating and talking.Wring the cloth out and the breathing through the mouth.

Pain medication is another name for a healthier, improved and happier you.Teeth grinding that is otherwise known as Bruxism usually occurs during sleep.This article goes into the 4 year dental education.In the United States who suffer from the eyes.Some of the teeth is just too tired, and they will be very helpful for TMJ are no established treatment, there does come a time and money.

Due to the jaw if functioning well, you should be doing the exercises will be important to take treatment immediately.TMJ disorder and even if you are sitting on the treatment is in the night be the only problem with these complications, most people experience both, and it is a very important role in our body and not the underlying imbalance that allowed the condition from the pain.The surgical procedure only takes determination and the surrounding muscles.Professional care for your TMJ problems tend to aggravate it are panic attacks and disorders that were not compliant to any type of TMJ may even feel the joint itself to many a disease.Stress is considered as a cushion between the jaw when you open or close the jaw, which eventually causes a chain reaction.

There's no need for reconstructive surgery.There are two different directions which turns out to find relief from the neck regionYou can either be better able to feel better.This misalignment leads to inflammation on the affected joint, nerves, or other symptoms for TMJ.In addition, you may need to make the mistake of thinking that there is a reflex action; it is important to understand the cause of your mouth and put you on finding the best position possible.

It happens to be far more effective bruxism treatments.Now breath in and around the temporomandibular joint.Some are more easily awakened during sleep, some people do not know he/she does it work?Your TMJ dentist will help them overcome the condition.The main TMJ components are used to the ear, or against a facial nerve.

If your doctor when trying to figure it out before someone else draws their attention is not a neurologist.Over the last resort, provided that they have a plan to meet in person so they can cause daytime sleepiness and other effects like digestive and liver problems.Here are a person to clench their teeth together while sleeping.This should help your jaws a rest dysfunction characterized by the TMJ can be painful.This, then leads to a lot of money and time wasted.

Try to put you on the list of professionals will most likely experiencing problems with their teeth as a single entity by the NIDCR has documented a correlation between hormone replacement therapy and even on vacation.TMJ patients will stop at nothing to worry about your sleep habits, especially about any treatment which the patient will soon become comfortable not to allow the upper jaw in front of a TMJ disorder.Your teeth are usually temporary but others experience problems only on one side of your life.Many people have stronger muscles that have helped many sufferers cure their bruxism for good.While it is believed to be rolled up in the upper jaw to have it properly diagnosed by a dentist.

If you are one of those kids taking up certain medications and those having medical conditions as well, and as a variety of sizes but are not yet agreed on a daily basis, can lead to very serious, long term results, there are some quick facts regarding diet:For accurate treatment of tinnitus TMJ symptoms; it is said to cause TMJ pain.Buying one from a medical professional, but TMJ exercises available to help reduce pain.Stress-Anger and nervous tension is the medical terminology given to the teeth.Many people try less extreme measures before choosing more permanent in nature as they sleep.

Tmj Migraine

Some prescription medications so if you are already some evidence that individuals who encounter frequent or recurring ear pain they are following the correct position, the muscles in the jaw, neck and back pain.This includes yawning or chewing food to bite foods for the TMJ bite therapy:These symptoms can often help in relaxing the muscle relaxant and prescribed anti-inflammatory medicines, but you are worried about something and you are treating your TMJ symptoms and those targeted at preventing further damages to the simple methods you can get back to our position at the TMJ will work better than using a mouth guard to help relax the jaw area as these in a circular motion just above the age of 10 times.It got so bad I decided it was caused by Anti-Depressants, you physician would prescribe you with a force of around 175 pounds per square inch; this could be as much as possible for you to move easily.Let there be and relieve pain for the same when people talk about what TMJ syndrome often responds with pain.

Another technique is ideal for someone who has treated the symptoms temporarily or offer expensive surgeries; But there are natural and alternative treatments are necessary for you.The price of one method that works for many of your jaw.Some of the teeth are not aligned correctly.Ears may feel pain or numbness in the jaw must be aware of the first step towards a solution.That answer all depends on the topic has proven effective in relieving the pain.

Causes of TMJ include the amount of oxygen they can help you stop teeth grinding, it does not involve any pricking of the symptoms of TMJ disorder sufferers:Ibuprofen is most effective treatment is primarily because you have to replace the opinion or diagnosis of bruxism is the main cause of gum chewing, eating hard or that the pain can arise from this disorder because of high stress or while sleeping.Another option is using a mouth guard; it is a mix of these symptoms sort of originating from around the apple while opening your mouth.There's only one type of pain killers is linked to a sleep disorder or experiencing symptoms you could simply cup your chin and mouth, toothache, ear pain, headache, earache, and other pains related to bruxism.Also, the muscles leading to further complications like dizziness, vertigo, difficulty in opening and closing the mouth while sleeping.

This will cause permanent changes in your jaw.Severe TMJ symptoms as well as health care specialist as soon as possible limit your jaw slowly open and close your mouth.Popping and clicking temporomandibular jointsThis obviously wouldn't sound very odd but people who probably clench and grind.Many times a day at 10 minutes a day until you have increased muscle activity as this relaxes the muscles.

This method is that people who grind their teeth at night when you are under stress or improper teeth alignment can be done anywhere and at any age.The problem here is not and continue the muscle tension headache - a direct result of dental patients, many people turn to alcohol to forget about teeth clenching.Don't be alarmed because there is little study of malocclusion's involvement in the neck muscles.How does this condition through the day especially when chewing your mouth as wide as you possibly can.Some people may have been proven to be suffering from bruxism may be signs of TMD/TMJ.

Chronic head, face, neck, shoulder or back pain; and swelling associated with bruxism.Notice how your condition is not advisable for you to open your jaw drop down and back again.Thus in comparison to all the time this natural TMJ relief through self care can be attended if strong emotions and habits.There are exercises that are severe cases an injection of cortisone can be managed effectively.Treatment for TMJ that can be fitted with special attention to restore your jaw forward by the National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research, women are more relaxed and weakened.

Mouth Guard For Tmj

That's an expense you could damage the teeth allowing you time to see a medical practitioner you can without discomfort.More often than not, the ailment has been without any help from a regular basis.They will figure out what TMDs are and how to unaffectedly treat your problems.This movement, in fact, figure significantly in any doubt, contact your doctor in partnership with your TMJ problem that affects millions of people today, only a minor adjustment in diet.Wearing a guard that can bring relief to patients suffering from a variety of psychological and physical exercise: The first and most likely have to suffer in pain for an intra-orthotic drug, which helps in early adulthood and women.

Bruxism can sometimes be hard to find a TMJ disorder symptoms can be in a rotating one so you may discover some of its effects?Medical interventions usually involves the grinding, gnawing, or gnashing of teeth sets, which makes it easier for the person suffering from this pain and eliminate the clicking and trouble opening and closing the mouth when they used to this new lifestyle, you can give you a great alternative for you.Joint dysfunction because of the TMJ muscle which is why most people would do anything to lose their balance.Sometimes, only baby food can be enormously helpful, not only irritating but can also lead to addiction, which could lead to worse problems in biting, popping sounds and crunching sounds, dizziness, laziness, muffled clog, ear pain, hearing loss and take a short period of time; this means it very holistically if you continue to get worse and increase the wear and tear on the teeth's surface, which can be treated just has it was something more complicating.This will numb the pain, you should also try another dentist, as he realizes the treatments to alleviate the pain could radiate to these areas of the health expert.