#I was honestly kind of shocked when I realized I hadn't done a friendship drabble for ben!!

[carewyncromwell]

Ben 🤝 Carewyn

tw: discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal thoughts

Ben Copper was one of Carewyn's very first friends not just at Hogwarts, but in her entire life. In a lot of ways, Ben and Carewyn had been complete opposites at first meeting, with Carewyn being this brave Slytherin paragon and Ben being this shy Gryffindor scaredy-cat, but their shared love and talent for Charms led them to interacting more in class. Once Carewyn publicly stood up for Ben by dueling bully Merula Snyde in the midst of the crowded castle courtyard, their friendship was sealed, and Ben and Carewyn were both 120% in each other's corners.

Of all of Carewyn's friendships, though, her and Ben's went through the most highs and lows, largely because of how much both of them changed. Carewyn had once been an overly emotional, judgmental, slightly insecure girl who was prone to losing her temper and was more open with her problems, but now was as poised, stoic, and lady-like of a Prefect as one could hope to be. Ben -- once a sweet, timid boy afraid of his own shadow -- was now a brusque, authority-questioning daredevil with a fierce, sometimes violent protectiveness toward his friends. What bonded them all the more despite these increasingly dramatic differences, though, continued to be their shared experiences, not just as being friends for so long, but also -- in their sixth year -- witnessing the murder of their mutual close friend, Rowan Khanna.

Carewyn had just left the Hospital Wing following the event and the trauma after it, and quite a few of her friends had rushed to help her get back on her feet again. One of those friends -- understandably -- was Ben.

The week following Carewyn's release, the 6'0 giant Gryffindor insisted on accompanying her to all the classes they had together almost like a bodyguard. Carewyn would've fought it before, both out of her own pride and a desire not to involve her friends in her problems -- but after Rowan's death, she knew how foolish that second line of thinking had always been. And, well, after watching Rowan die...could she blame Ben for being scared?

She glanced at him out the side of her eye.

Ben was scared. Even if he'd so forcibly trying to shut fear off and never be afraid again, so he could protect his friends from Rakepick and R...he was, all the same.

Ben glanced at Carewyn too out the side of his eye as well, and their eyes met, brown on light blue. The Gryffindor paused, as if taking the time to assemble his words in his head before articulating them.

"...I know you don't think you need protection," he said lowly, "but -- "

"It's okay," Carewyn cut him off gently.

She looked ahead toward the hallway rather than him, unable to hold eye contact.

"I know I...haven't given you much reason to have faith in my capability," she said. "Considering I nearly threw my life away -- "

"Bill should not have said that," Ben cut her off much more harshly. "That is not what you did."

Carewyn was startled by Ben's righteous anger. Ben glanced up toward the hall too, his face a mix of frustration and pain as he cobbled together a proper response.

"...You were hurting, Carewyn. You felt responsible for what happened, and you...didn't want to live, knowing that. You didn't feel worthy of living, when she couldn't. That it was your fault, that she couldn't. ...That's not throwing your life away. Professor Flitwick said there's a term for it: it's called 'survivor's guilt.' He said he felt it plenty of times too, during the War -- that plenty of people who experience loss feel that way..."

Something in Ben's eyes darkened, betraying even more of that pain from earlier. Compassion prickling at the corners of her heart, Carewyn reached out a hand and took hold of Ben's arm. The two walked together for a short ways before Carewyn spoke again.

"...Bill didn't mean it that way, Ben," she said quietly.

Ben scoffed.

"He was upset -- and he had plenty of reason to be upset with me, right then. He still does."

"I don't care, he was wrong," Ben said resentfully.

Carewyn gave his arm a light squeeze. It prompted Ben to look down at her, his expression still a muddled mess of emotions.

"I'm glad Flitwick was there for you," she murmured.

When I wasn't, she didn't add verbally, but she hoped it still came through. Fortunately it seemed to, since Ben's eyes softened the slightest bit.

"He asked me to stay after class, after it happened," he explained. "He said he'd been worried about both of us...especially since you weren't talking, then..."

Carewyn nodded.

"He offered me some tea and fairy cakes in his office," Ben said with a choked smile. "Even enchanted them to fly across the room, so I could summon them over to me when I was finally in the mood to eat one..."

Carewyn gave his arm another light squeeze. Ben brought his other hand up to take hold of hers on his arm and squeeze it too.

"Carewyn...I know you blame yourself for what happened. And you know...that I feel the same way. ...But for once, Merula was right. We can't just blame ourselves, when we still have so much to lose. And right now...right now, I really don't want to lose you. Because I almost did -- and even if I do understand why and I would never have been angry with you, if you'd -- ..."

Ben swallowed, unable to finish. He bowed his head, his face going into shadow.

"...You were my first friend in the world. Even if I hated how you always treated me like a child and refused to rely on me or anyone else...you believed in me when no one else did. ...I want you there with me, now that I believe in myself too."

Carewyn paused outside the Charms classroom with Ben, coming around to better look her old, much taller friend in the face.

"I'm sorry, Ben," she said lowly. "I'm sorry I refused to trust you. And I hope you know...I'm so proud of you. Not just because I'm treating you like a child, but because you're my friend. And I'm so proud to be that."

Ben was quiet for a moment. Then he actually covertly rubbed at his eye, as if wiping away the slightest trace of a tear, before raising his head again.

"...Thanks, Carewyn."

He paused. He glanced at the door to the Charms classroom and then back over his shoulder, as if checking to make sure no one could overhear.

"...Look...I know Charlie and Merula have been mostly in charge of recruitment for the Circle of Khanna...but Flitwick mentioned another student who's an 'up-and-coming Charms master' in our meeting. I talked to him on the Training Grounds afterwards, and I think we might want to recruit him."

Friendship Drabble Prompt!