#I was gonna say that I only ever took gabapentin that one time but now I'm actually not sure | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

zaerog-infinity · 4 years ago

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Posting this here, because my FR sideblog has the best chance of this being seen. Sorry, friends, that just wanted to look at some nice dragons and relax.

Howdy fellas. One of my dachshunds, Belle, is gonna need out-of-state back surgery for one of her discs this Saturday, the 16th of January. I don’t wanna e-beg, I wanna work for my funds; so, I’m making this post to bring a little attention to my commission shop. More under the cut, I don’t wanna bother folks with a big ol’ scrollbar cruiser.

Also: Link to the comm shop is in the replies, if you wanna hop straight to that. Thanks :]

I’ll start with the beginning, hopefully give some validity to my situation for the skeptics.

The night before last, as Belle was ready to go to bed with my grandparents (as she does each night), my pawpaw noticed she wasn’t as ecstatic about the ordeal as she usually is. Typically, she bolts right up the steps, crazy about gettin’ to sleep with her two favourite people. But, this time, she only slooowly escalated them, only going up a couple steps at a time before stopping to rest, and this repeated until she reached the top.

The next day, my grandparents wake up to find that she had done her, uh... unsanitary business on their bed, which had never, ever happened before--not even when she was little. She continued the string of sluggish behavior on an hour or two later, seemingly physically unable to do her normal, excited movements throughout. My grandmother called the vet and scheduled an appointment with our local vet for 2 PM yesterday afternoon.

In our appointment, the doctor diagnosed her with a herniated disc, causing said disc to flare up and press against her spinal cord, causing neurological reflex loss in the back half of her body--a common issue in the breed, but awful, nonetheless--that, if untreated, will lead to eventual paralysis from that point downwards. She was left at the vet under the doc’s orders to be examined while she was prescribed prednisolone, an anti-inflammatory drug. The plan was to keep her there until Monday, the 18th, and if she was doing better, she’d be sent home with the remainder of her prescription. Else, we would receive a call from the vet saying she needed surgery, stat, because her condition was worsening.

Less than 24 hours later, at ~1:30PM today, we receive a call from the vet saying that Belle had been, in fact, doing worse. The medication was not helping her situation at all. She needs surgery as soon as possible. The closest place that can perform the procedure for us is in Memphis, TN, and can potentially cost “thousands of dollars”, the doc tells us. The problem? Besides the glaring upcoming bill, weekdays, this clinic’s hours are 6PM-8PM. Dark, lost, and in Memphis? Doesn’t sound like the best scenario, according to my grandparents. However, on weekends, they offer 24-hour services. My grandparents set her visit up for Saturday, the 16th. She is now home with us, until then, under strict confinement in her kennel to prevent her condition from worsening, doctor’s orders. She was sent home with the rest of her prednisolone and another, separate prescription of gabapentin, a drug usually taken to hold back epilepsy, but can also be taken to reduce nerve pain.

Now then, with that all out of the way: If you’ve reached this point, certainly you’ve seen the up-and-coming price tag associated with her procedure. I’m hoping we have enough in our savings to cover it, but due to recent utility repairs and general broke-ness during this hellish time period, I want to prepare for the worst. I won’t ask you for free handouts, but if you have the green to spare, I’ll be linking my commission shop on FR in the replies, since Tumblr will purge me from the timeline if I post it here. It would really, really help us out a lot. And, hey, even if you’re like me, rock-bottom-wallet-style? A boost will do just fine and will greatly help broaden my audience.

If you’re not on FR and still want to financially help, PM me at any time, and we can work it through there!

Thank you so much to everyone for reading, sharing, everything. You keep doin’ you ‘n bein’ cool :]

Have a picture of my sweet baby girl I took about an hour ago!

#flight rising #personal #emergency commissions #commissions open #gosh... I really don't know what to tag this as

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simpleekrissy · 4 years ago

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I walked away, for myself and my happiness.

I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love you. I loved you more than you can ever imagine..

I walked away because I needed to be happy for myself. I needed to understand my worth.

If there ever comes a day where I could sit down and talk to you, and remind you why. Not explain. Because respectfully...there’s no explanation needed.

I loved you to the point where I put you on a pedestal. Nearly forgetting that I needed to put myself on a pedestal, beside you. I loved you to the point where I accepted you being comfortable instead of not realizing you weren’t trying to build something solid for us. I loved you so much, I ignored everything I was going through. So I could be there for you...

December 31st 2020, at 8:30 pm I decided I was done. Not with you entirely. But I was done with the life I was living and how much I was hurting. I swallowed 10 800mg gabapentins, and was self harming myself, I spent most of that night in and out of consciousness...You weren’t there. You were out enjoying yourself (I’d never ever get mad at you for simply living life.) but I was home. The days before hand I’d had a series of horrible things happen to me, and every time... I’d pick up the phone to call you. Hearing your voice and you talking me through things was one thing I felt safe with... you never picked up the phone. Not once. You ghosted me. And I felt ALONE for the first time... I wasnt trying to leave this world behind because of just you. But I wanted to leave this world because your behavior and actions told me I wasn’t worth your time, energy, affection, or love. The very issue I told you I’ve always struggled with in my life...you’ll never understand how it felt everyday for 7 months to feel like I was an option when you always told me you had no intentions to hurt me or to ever make me feel the way everyone in my life has made me feel: an option..

I remember for the first year. Things were amazing with you and I only wanted more. I wanted dreams, goals, accomplishments... with you. But given life happens and things change. Your motive wasn’t the same anymore. You changed. And I loved you through the distance, the nights you thought less of yourself than what you truly are and how I saw you...

There was a night... your mom wanted to grill out and it started to rain. You still did it for her. And it turned out great. We sat in the drive way for a while after everyone left; and then we went to go get cigarettes. When we came back we sat in the truck. Just like we always would. But the talk wasn’t the same as it always was. And that night I realized you were not the man I was used to loving anymore. You had become dark. As expected. But that night you brought up future plans for us and I looked at you... in tears and asked you “do you want to just stop all of this? Do you want us to just split? My biggest fear is you getting so down and out that you become distant and leave me in the dark.” You looked at me and then said “no, you’re my world. I have no intentions of ever hurting you. But I don’t know who I will become”

That was the red flag. That’s when I should’ve looked at you and told you we needed to be done so you could get through what you were going through. But instead. I wanted to stay. Because I loved you. Soon enough I had to be the strong one out of both of us. Then you became a stranger and not the man I’d fallen in love with. You became the thing i feared most.

I’m not mad at you for how things went. I could never be mad at you. But I slowly found myself chasing you. I found myself making excuses for you. I found myself alone. It then became me myself and sometimes you. And I hung in there for the longest. I stayed as strong as I could for the sake of us. But sadly. It wasn’t enough for you.

I could never throw anything in your face. But I can say this. I was enough. And I wanted you. For your flaws, your perfections. I wanted you dreams and your goals. I thought if I stayed with you through one of the toughest parts of your life this far. That you’d realize you were slowly losing me.

You were slowly losing me. I wasn’t losing you. Because I lost you a long time ago and i didn’t want to accept it.

The energy wasn’t the same anymore. There was no effort. Not the same effort you took to win me over, and not the same energy you gave me when things were good for the first year.

But I will say this also, thank you so much...

Thank you for showing me at first how a man should always love his woman and trust his woman the way you did with me.

Thank you for teaching me this lesson I’m now still learning: I am worth more than what you handed me. I deserved better than how you started to treat me. You taught me how to finally say “enough is enough. I cannot stay stuck like this forever feeling like it’s one sided”

The day I left you: was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m someone who tolerated being viewed as an option instead of a priority when it comes to being in love.. i meant every word I said when I left. I told you I couldn’t do this anymore, that I couldn’t continue to stay up at night and cry and wonder why I wasn’t enough for you. I told you I loved you enough to let you go so I could find my happiness because I was so neglected by you to the point where I stopped shining. I cried an entire day, non stop. And what made me realize you weren’t ready for a woman of my caliber, was when I left you and you didn’t fight for us the way I fought for you.

The day after I left you: the reality set in that I wasn’t sad. I was disappointed. I was so fucking disappointed in you. I became a mess. I spent two and a half months being drunk, and crying anytime anyone asked how we were. I wasn’t sad. I was fine if I didn’t think about it. But when I did: the disappointment set in and the memories came flooding back from start to where we ended up.

Soon enough... people who knew, saw a new side of me. A happier side. A side where I was smiling, and laughing again.

No contact was the best thing for us. You had your moments where you would reach out for whatever reason it is you wanted to. Until the day I turned around in my busy bar. And there you were. My heart was in my ass. I was nervous. I remember you wanted to buy me a shot. I remember the hug I gave you. I felt whole at that moment. It was the first time I saw your face infront of mine since Christmas Day... it was the first time I got to touch you since Christmas Day when I took you home. It seemed as if you didn’t for one minute care so much about the fact we weren’t together. But by the way you looked you were happy that we were both able to talk. That whole night we talked when I had a chance to while I was serving you your drinks. We laughed. We smiled. I was able to be the me I had always been with you and the smile on your face and how you looked at me reminded me how much I still do love you..

You told me that night when I hugged you before you left with your head on top of mine while I had my face in your chest. And you kissed the top of my head and then said “I miss you. I think about you all the time. I miss my best friend” and I told you it was the same and that ir sucked not having you in my life period. You took me by my face and you kissed me. And you asked me “do you want to work on it?” And without a beat I said I did. That I loved you so much and that I wanted to be with you. And in that moment I looked at you and told you. Let’s take it slow, and that I know you were an amazing boyfriend up until life happened and made you who you are today. That night you looked me in my eyes and said “I don’t do second chances. But you’re special enough for me to try again.”

The next night I saw you again and we talked. I bought shots to return the favor from the night before... and We were able to talk and joke around. I walked you to your truck and I kissed you and you held me. I told you I loved you again and you told me you loved me too, and that you didn’t want anything happening to me.

When we said we were gonna take it slow. I thought that meant we would start from the friendship aspect of conversation. You didn’t seem talkative the times I reached out. And then I stopped, and I haven’t heard from you since...

That’s when I realized. Those two moments of happiness felt great. But I put myself back in the same hole I was in when we were together... I found myself being upset and not smiling or joking around. I was drinking more again, and I was putting myself down because I felt like you meant everything you said. And I want to believe it. Or maybe I’m over thinking all of this.

Today... I realized something:

I am more than enough, I am beautiful inside and out, and I am an amazing woman. That’s your loss. Today I realized, maybe... just maybe I need to accept the cycle.

Please understand... you’re my twin flame. I know this in my heart. I know this because I know your heart and those energies match. They always have even before the aspect of falling in love came into play. But I don’t think in this lifetime we were meant to pursue what it was that we were trying.

You’re a twin flame and a karmic partner: we are connected for a reason. But I know this cycle was meant for me to finally know when to put my foot down when I am being treated less than what I should be... and walk away. Trust me: everyday it hurts more than you can imagine. And most days I wish I didn’t think about you, and look back at the memories we made...

But I know this much: whether we are meant to be together or not...please understand. I never wanted to hurt you. But when it comes to my happiness... I deserve that. I walked away because I love you too much. Too much to the point where I was breaking my own self...

Please understand this: I am once again disappointed in you. But this time... it’s because once I found peace and you saw that I had it... you came in and disturbed it. By stringing my heart along if even for a moment... I do still love you. But I don’t think you and I are on the same page. I don’t think you are ready for what I’m offering you and always have offered you. And that’s okay... because this is another karmic lesson I’m paying attention to. To others they questioned our relationship due to your actions and lack of affection and attention to me. But I know from when it’s you and me and the energy. You love me. But you do not love me enough to fix yourself like I’d been doing for myself...

So here I am: walking away from you again and it very well could be that I need to walk away for good from you when it comes to you being my better half. I handed you my heart and asked you to take care of it. And you decided after so much time... you didn’t want it anymore.

I love you to the moon and back. And always and forever. But please... don’t disturb my peace... and please don’t ruin the hard work I’ve put in to become strong and move forward. I’d rather be at peace and in no contact, than to take 12 steps backwards.

You’ll always have two options:

Be with me. Or let me have my peace of you ever did love me... I don’t think you understand just how much peace I wish for you and don’t intrude on. And it’s okay. You maybe never will. But I know this... you still have an impact on my life. You told me one night “I want you to be happy for yourself: not me, not your son.”

The mindset I took the day I left you, and the same mindset I have had everyday since then... Is that I’m gonna go he happy for myself. And I do it the way I think you would be proud of. And that’s how I keep going everyday....every night.

So tonight... I’m releasing you. I’m releasing all the power you’ve had over me during this healing process. I release you, and should the universe and ourselves decide this is something we can try again, that you come back when you’re at your best and when I’m at mine.

Don’t worry about me, I know you will. But I need you to worry about yourself. My heart will always belong to you, and there’s no other man who will truly be able to compare to how I feel about you and will always love and feel for you.

But I have release you. I have to keep telling you that I walked away for myself. Now I have to release you for myself...

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what-soul · 7 years ago

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LLF: Re:Zero

I kept dropping this anime because I found the protagonist grating, but now I realize that was the point. And now I’ve seen too much of him in myself to stop. From episode 13 onwards shows his descent into madness, doubling and tripling down on the mistakes made because of his terrible character. It resonated with me, but I don’t want to say it all applies now. Maybe his realization can help me.

It all started in a scene which is singlehandedly the most cringe I’ve ever had from animated media, topping out Spike singing the Crystal Empire “anthem”. He kept making a fool of himself, over and over again, digging his heels in and making it all worse until any respect I had for him was utterly destroyed, though I still had empathy. Then he doubled down yet again, and again, and again. From there, a series of even more doubling over and over again while various characters gave hints at what was wrong with him.

At first he just seemed to be stupid, but the fight he had afterwards made it clear; he was lying to himself about doing everything for his crush. It was all for him, his pride, his arrogance, looking good in front of others. At the end he was a parasite, screaming that for all he’s done (very little), she should owe him a much larger debt than he owes her. She owed him, the world owed him for the “work” he’d done.

When he was dueling with a butler at the estate he was staying in, he ended it for the day because “I think teaching swordsmanship, which will make a man stronger, to one who has abandoned the option to get stronger is meaningless.” He was practicing swordsmanship, presumably to get better after his humiliating defeat. In actuality, it was a ploy to convince himself and others that he was doing something about it. He never intended, deep down, to actually get better.

From there, he postured to be at Emilia’s side when she was in danger to “protect” her, but he had no combat experience whatsoever and would be of no help, or even make the situation worse. He goes, and gets mentally scarred.

Now, ordinarily that’d be played straight. He was emotionally scarred by seeing hundreds of dead bodies of people he knew. He goes catatonic and responds to nothing. But the anime took a turn I never would’ve expected when he’s kidnapped and interviewed by Betelgeuse:

Let me ask you this... Why do you pretend that your mind has broken? I truly have my doubts. Why and for what reason, for what purpose, do you act crazed? Your insanity is far too sane. To behave so cleverly and quietly, as if seeking sympathy... It is an insult to real madness. You are a poorly acted madman. If you really meant it, you would pay the gazes of others no heed. Ah, how comical! I pity you. I pity your wretched, ugly, lowly, diminutive, sinful being, from the bottom of my heart! Despite all that, you are so loved! You’d rather waste away in stagnation than repay the goodwill shown to you? You are truly slothful.

This feels like a blanket of needles enclosed my heart, because I know this far too well for comfort. This exact thing has happened to me before. Unresponsive because you don’t know what to do. Any action is incorrect, no action is incorrect. But is it real? Or is it an act to lie to yourself that you really are in need of help? Deserving of pity? Others drop what they have and attend to “fix” your “broken” mind. Starved of the perception of love, groveling for a drop of water to preserve your rotted corpse a while longer when by all means others should stay far away.

But then it drops another bomb talking to Crusch:

Is this why you behave as you do? Your hatred for the Witch’s Cult... Is that your real reason for approaching Emilia? What else but murderous intent could one call that glint in your eye? -

I am certain that I have told you, Natsuki Subaru, that if your own lie doesn’t fool you, it will not deceive others. You know why? You haven’t once said that you want to save Emilia.

And then again, with Priscilla:

[I will give you] what you would call a “chance”. Lick it. Crawl on the floor, savoring the shame and humiliation. And like a wretched beast, like a baby suckling on its mother’s teat, lick my foot. If you can do that, I’ll consider your proposal. If you don’t want to, that’s fine... If you’d rather favor your minuscule pride and abandon the mistress you wagged your tail for to the wasteland, fine. Either choice you make will entertain me. (he agrees but takes too long)

I guess you really are just an insignificant man! What you just displayed was neither loyalty nor devotion. It’s something more filthy, like a dog’s dependence or a pig’s greed, you lazy pig who knows only how to want! A pig’s greed is the ugliest thing there is!

And again with Anastasia:

You won’t make anyone happy by prioritizin’ your own goals. Trying to get on the other’s good side is the basic rule of negotiation. That’s where you’re lackin’, Natsuki-kun. -

If ya want to convince someone you’re righteous, you’ve gotta show somethin’ to merit it. And I see no such thing in you. The only way to change your reputation is to replace it with another. The things you’ve done are what determine your reputation. That is, your past. And there’s no way to change your past, so my opinion of ya isn’t gonna change, either. The things you’ve done won’t ever go away.

One last thing. The key to negotiation is how prepared you are before ya come to the table. Know what the other person wants and dangle it in front of ‘em. And since all you do is want, that’s where you’re lacking.

Leading to the final break in his facade:

What do you know?! what do you know about me?! This is the kind of man I am! I have no strength but I want it all. I have no knowledge, but all I do is dream. There's nothing I can do but I struggle in vain! I... I... Hate myself! All I do is talk a big game, and make myself sound like a big shot when I can't do anything! I never do anything, yet I can complain like a pro. Who do I think I am?! It's amazing that I can live like this and not feel ashamed! Right?!

I'm empty... There's nothing inside me at all. I know that... I know it's obvious. Before I came here... Before I got into the situation that led me to all of you, do you have any idea what I did? I did nothing... I've never done a single thing. I had all that time, all that freedom... I could have done anything, but I never did a thing. And this is the result! What I am now is the result! All of my powerlessness, all of my incompetence, is the product of my rotten character.

Wanting to accomplish something when I've never done anything, goes beyond the limits of arrogance! The cost of my laziness and all the wasteful habits in my life just ends up killing both you and me.

That's right. I have no character. Even when I thought I could go on living here, nothing changed... That old man saw that part of me perfectly. Right? I wasn't trying to get stronger or trying to make things better. I was just striking an obvious pose, to justify myself, to say that I was trying, that it wasn't like I wasn't doing anything. I wanted to say I couldn't help it. I wanted to be told it couldn't be helped! I only pretended to push my body to the limit, so that would be possible! Even when I had you help me study, I was just posing to cover up how embarrassed I felt! At heart, I'm just a small, cowardly, filthy piece of trash, who's always worried about how others see me. And nothing... Nothing about me has changed!

I knew it all along. That all of it was my fault... I'm the lowest of the low. I absolutely hate myself...

Of course this was resolved soon, so what I’m left with is a happy ending and deep sense of reflection. Though that time has passed since I started writing this. I thought I may have seen too much of myself, and maybe I did from a bygone era. But now I feel done. I think the gabapentin kicked in.

Did I mention how disturbing it is for my mood to be dictated by something in limited supply?

#personal #life lessons #anime

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