#I was gonna make some kind of dumb joke about “did you mean a referee?”

[4ce-of-2pades-inkwell]

Does Wella Ink have a ref? 👀

Dunno if this has everything it's supposed to, but here ya go!

(Edit: I forgot the buttons. There are buttons on Wella’s shirt. I don’t feel like fixing it.)

[muwi-translates]

Collar x Malice予約特典ドラマCD「HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR……」

Collar x Malice Yoyaku Tokuten Drama CD - HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR...

Word count of 4712, approximately 35 minute long track. Spoiler free. Just a note that I used a Chinese translation as my main source, and did some light cross-referencing from the original audio. I guarantee there will be some inaccuracies.

**Please don’t move this translation or claim it as your own.**

---

Shiraishi: This is Yanagi Detective Agency. 

From cat hunting to investigating extramarital affairs, all kinds of complicated cases aren’t refused. This is an agency where detectives specialising in different fields live together. 

Eh? Shinjuku quarantine? Nonsense, nothing that shocking has happened here. That must have happened in another world’s Shinjuku. 

In short, the members of the Yanagi Detective Agency are Aiji Yanagi, the director, and the investigators; Mineo Enomoto, Takeru Sasazuka, Kageyuki Shiraishi, and… 

[Knock knock]

Okazaki: Good morning, detectives of Yanagi Detective Agency, here’s today’s request~! 

Enomoto: You again, Okazaki?

Okazaki: Yup, me again. I’ve already become a regular here. I’m coming in~

Enomoto: But we just finished your request not that long ago.

Okazaki: And thanks for always helping.

Enomoto: You probably don’t even need detectives for your request. It’s always something that you can do yourself.

Enomoto: You even asked Yanagi-senpai to make you food a while ago.

Okazaki: It’s because I’m disastrous with housework. Plus, Yanagi-san’s homemade food is so delicious~ 

Shiraishi: It’s because Yanagi-kun is particular about the details.

Sasazuka: That said, Yanagi-san, even though that guy said it was because he made a request, don’t you think he comes in and out of here too often? 

Yanagi: Ah, it’s because he pays generously. Maybe he’s scam-- no, he’s definitely a regular customer. 

Sasazuka: Maybe he’s planning something? It wouldn’t end up being something like “he’s actually from the police force” right?

Yanagi: Enomoto and I can’t do anything, if you and Shiraishi just look into him then we’ll be able to see his true colors. 

Sasazuka: Don’t act like it’s none of your business, aren’t you the director? This should be a joint responsibility. 

Enomoto: Well? What’s it going to be today? Cleaning your house? Repair the roof? Walking the dog? 

Okazaki: All of those are attractive, but it isn’t about me today. Actually, I wanted you guys to help plan Ichika Hoshino’s birthday party!

Everyone: Hah?!

Okazaki: Eh? Why’s everyone so surprised?

Yanagi: Let me just confirm first… Hoshino is a member of our agency, you do know that… right? 

Okazaki: Mhm, of course I know. You’ve been looking after me the whole year, after all.

Yanagi: So why exactly are you asking us to help you plan her birthday party?

Okazaki: Eh? Isn’t it obvious? I want to get along with her more.

Enomoto: Hey, you dumb gourd. Don’t tell me the reason why you keep coming up with requests-- was ‘cus of her?! 

Okazaki: …Of course not~ ⭐

Sasazuka: What’s with that unnatural reply?

Shiraishi: I see, I suppose ‘a moving effort’ is a nice way to put it. 

Enomoto: No matter how you look at it he’s one step away from being a stalker. 

Yanagi: Okazaki, if you’re going to do this to our staff--

Okazaki: Ah, if it’s about the payment, I already prepared it.

Yanagi: …!

Okazaki: I’ll pay for the full cost of the birthday party. I think… this should be enough? 

Yanagi: W-With this amount, this month’s rent…

Enomoto: W-Wait, Yanagi-senpai! I can see dollar signs in your eyes! 

Yanagi: Food expenses have gone up recently too...

Enomoto: Nonono, you can’t sell your conscience like this! If we don’t have enough money, you can just borrow some from Takeru!

Sasazuka: Don’t joke around, you won’t get even a cent from me.

Enomoto: HEY! You’re the one who’s upping our food expenses!

Sasazuka: I’ll only pay for my portion. 

Shiraishi: Now, now, it’s not a difficult request, let’s just accept it. It’s just her birthday party, nothing bad.

Yanagi: But…!

Shiraishi: As long as we keep watch, even if Okazaki plans to do something weird, we can stop him before that happens. 

Okazaki: So mean, I already said I won’t do anything weird. I’m not Shiraishi-san.

Shiraishi: Ahaha, I hope that you’ll acknowledge that everyone thinks you’re more dangerous than me, hm?

Yanagi: Well, fine. We’l...l accept your request. 

Okazaki: Really? You’re a great help~ I already promised Ichika-chan that I’d throw her a birthday party.

Enomoto: Hah?!

Sasazuka: Oi, when the hell did you-- 

Okzaki: It’s a birthday party, right? If you don’t tell her about it and she doesn’t come then there would be no meaning, right? You should schedule these things ahead of time! 

Shiraishi: As expected of Okazaki, you move quickly.

Okazaki: Hehe, compared to Shiraishi-san I’m still a long way off.

Sasazuka: You two, you’re making it feel colder here with those smiles. 

Yanagi: As long as we’re able to keep Okazaki and Hoshino from being alone together we can avoid any issues. 

Enomoto: That’s true… as long as we can protect her from Okazaki’s claws then--

Okazaki: It feels like you guys have some sort of misunderstanding about me? I’ve been officially introduced as a pure-hearted airheaded man who’s completely harmless, you know.

Sasazuka: You’re just saying that yourself.

Enomoto: A guy who pretends to be an airhead is the most dangerous of ‘em all!

Okazaki: So mean… well, fine. Then, let me explain my request again from the top.

Okazaki: I want you guys to investigate to see what will make Ichika-chan happy, and help throw a wonderful birthday party~ 

Okazaki: After all, her birthday is only 5 days away. 

Yanagi: I got it. It’ll be faster if we split the responsibilities. We need someone for the gift, the food, and the cake, and… let me think, if we’re going to have a surprise party, we need someone to be in charge of that too. Since it’s a surprise party, we should also take into account how to make Hoshino happy.

Sasazuka: I’ll take the cake. 

Enomoto: You’re deciding yourself?! 

Sasazuka: Because I’m not going to eat a cake that tastes bad.

Enomoto: So you just care about eating it yourself…

Yanagi: If Sasazuka chose it himself then there probably won’t be any problems. Next, the cooking--... I guess it’s me. 

Okazaki: Yanagi-san makes the best food, after all! I’m looking forward to it! 

Enomoto: Okayokayokay! Me! I’ll do the presents! 

Sasazuka: Hah? You?

Enomoto: That’s right, I’ll use my high aesthetic sense to make her happy! 

Shiraishi: Haha, indeed, Enomoto-kun does have “good” sense in a way. But if you’re going to go while wearing those clothes, then I don’t think you have the right aesthetic sense that will please girls. 

Enomoto: Heh, Shiraishi-san. I don’t want to hear that from a guy who’s almost thirty years old who wears cat ears. 

Okazaki: Hehe, that’s true. 

Shiraishi: Hm…? Enomoto-kun, you see, I don’t often get angry, but just then, I felt just a little mad. 

Enomoto: Guh…! I-I didn’t say anything wrong, I-I’m not scared of you! 

Sasazuka: You’re shaking though, and your voice is getting smaller.

Okazaki: Hey, hey, should I be in charge of the present too? I want to give her some sleeping goods, so my gift to her will be the gift of the most comfortable sleep! What do you think? 

Enomoto: Aren’t you the client? Why are you taking part?

Yanagi: A present, huh… well, at Hoshino’s age, wouldn’t accessories be more appropriate? When it comes to women, they’d be happy to receive those. 

Okazaki: Accessories? I’ve already decided to give those to her when the opportunity is right. 

Enomoto: When the opportunity is right? 

Okazaki: It’s customary to give an engagement ring when you propose, right? Ah… a birthday proposal doesn’t sound like a bad idea. 

Enomoto: E-E-E-E-Engagement?! A birthday perpozal?!!?!

Shiraishi: Enomoto-kun, Enomoto-kun? You’ve gone from disbelief into speech impediment territory.

Enomoto: Shiraishi-sanwhatareyousayingIdon’tunderstand!!

Shiraishi: I meant you were saying words that sounded right but also mangled almost beyond recognition.

Enomoto: Oh, yeah, right!

Sasazuka: Hey, Okazaki, what you just said… are you being serious? 

Okazaki: Eh? Why wouldn’t I be? I wouldn’t joke about these things. 

Sasazuka: Hm...

Enomoto: Yanagi-senpai, is this okay? Our own staff member is gonna get taken by this guy--

Yanagi: [Sigh] ...Calm down. Okazaki just said he’d do that when given the opportunity. And he never said he was talking about Hoshino. 

Enomoto: Oh… I see… Yup! That’s true! I was overthinking too much! Ah, got all surprised for nothing.

Shiraishi: Well, I just think he wasn’t saying it clear enough. 

Okazaki: Haha, that’s true.

Enomoto: W-Wait, what’s with that secretive dark smile?! Don’t tell me this guy… is planning to do something!!? 

Okazaki: Hm? That’s why I said I wanted to give her a birthday present, it’s why I came to make my request today. 

Sasazuka: Tch, that stupid cat. Don’t just be all nice to people whenever you want, god dammit. 

Enomoto: Arghhh… alright, Okazaki! Come out! To the roof! 

Okazaki: Huh?

Enomoto: We’ll decide with a contest who will get the gift! It’s a duel! And it’ll definitely be me, the great Mineo Enomoto, who shall be victorious!! 

Yanagi: No, no, Enomoto, wait a second-- 

Enomoto: Don’t stop me, Yanagi-senpai. There are moments where a man has no choice! Yoooooooooooooooooo--!!

[Door slams]

Okazaki: ...He left...

Yanagi: Good grief, did he forget that this was Okazaki’s request? 

Shiraishi: Isn’t this a good thing? It’s all in good fun. If there wasn’t a contest, then Enomoto-kun wouldn’t have accepted it. 

Yanagi: You say it like that but...

Shiraishi: Then Okazaki-kun, Enomoto-kun, Yanagi-kun and I will be part of the contest. It looks like Sasazuka-kun doesn’t plan on doing anything else other than picking the cake, so could you be the referee? 

Sasazuka: So annoying, I want to hurry up and pick the cake. 

Okazaki: Hehe… a contest? I’m getting all excited. 

Yanagi: Huh? Me too?

---

Sasazuka: Let’s start, who’s going to buy the present? Fight for it. Tell me what gift you’re getting for that stupid cat. The most suitable gift for her will be in charge of the gift. That is all. Anybody going to raise any complaints? 

Enomoto: No problems here but… did we really have to take this to the roof? 

Enomoto: So cold… who was the one who wanted to do this up here? Ah. It was me. 

Yanagi: Enomoto…

Enomoto: Guh… I’m sorry...

Yanagi: You need to be more observant of things around you. 

Enomoto: I’ll keep that in mind…

Yanagi: Well, the roof isn’t bad. [Lights a cigarette] I can smoke here.

Enomoto: …! Yanagi-senpai! I’ll follow you for as long as I live!! 

Yanagi: Ugh-- don’t get so close, it’s disgusting… 

Shiraishi: You two get along so well, even though it’s a little suffocating.

Sasazuka: If I had to say, it’s a little cold. It’s not really a feast for the eyes if it’s Mineo and Yanagi-san. 

Enomoto:  Hey, don’t say stuff that people will misunderstand! In my heart, I’ve already decided on a partner--

Sasazuka: Whatever, talk about it later. Let’s hurry up and get this over and done with. 

Enomoto: Okay, okay. 

Yanagi: [Sigh]

Sasazuka: Then let’s start with Shiraishi.

Shiraishi: Can I? Let me think… I want to give her a pair of cat ears like mine. 

Okazaki: A pair like Shiraishi-san’s...

Sasazuka: …Cat ears. 

Shiraishi: Ah, hers won’t be the same as mine. I’ll make sure they’re high-tech. I want to install a security system that will protect her in any crisis. Ah, of course, I’ll manage the 24 hour surveillance, so there won’t be a problem at all.

Enomoto: What do you mean ‘no problem’?!!!!

Okazaki: It’s like putting a fawn in a lion’s cage. 

Yanagi: Shiraishi, no matter what you say you’re obviously out. 

Sasazuka: Don’t even need to think about it. Rejected. 

Shiraishi: Ehh…

Sasazuka: Isn’t that completely just restraining her? Next, Mineo. 

Enomoto: Okay, leave it to me! If it was me then I’d make her a homemade protection charm! 

Sasazuka: Next. 

Enomoto: HEY! Wasn’t that a quick rejection?! This is going to be my masterpiece so at least listen to ‘till the end! 

Shiraishi: Even if he does, it probably won’t change anything. 

Enomoto: In the protection charm, I plan to put my own original prayer for her happiness. And, I’ll pair it with a charm of my own in my own design-- 

Sasazuka: Rejected, next.

Enomoto: So tell me why?!! Give me a reason! A reason!!!

Shiraishi: That protection charm or whatever, isn’t it a bit too serious? I can already roughly imagine what you’ll write on the prayer. 

Okazaki: Ah, I know, he’ll curse her by writing “I hope Ichika-chan will fall in love with me”, right? 

Enomoto: N-N-N-NoOO!! And don’t call it a curse!

Yanagi: Calm down, Enomoto. All you’re doing is confirming their suspicion.

Enomoto: Yanagi-senpai, you can’t go talking about suspicion or whatever too! 

Sasazuka: Plus as soon as you said it was going to be a pair I’d heard enough. As long as I know that they’re a pair, I’m rejecting it.

Yanagi: Maa-- it’s best to try and avoid hiding personal feelings as much as possible. 

Sasazuka: Next, Okazaki.

Okazaki: Hm… it has to be those sleeping goods I talked about earlier. High quality sleep is good for health, right?

Yanagi: Well… that’s true.

Shiraishi: Coming from Okazaki, that’s a decent thing to say.

.Okazaki: If she uses the sleeping goods I choose, she’ll definitely be able to fall into a comfortable, deep sleep, regardless if there’s an explosion or fire, it’ll be a top quality item that you’ll be able to sleep in~ 

Enomoto: Nonono… isn’t that way too much? That’s like… coma-level sleep. 

Shiraishi: Aha, so it wasn’t decent after all.

Okazaki: Eh? Is it no good?

Yanagi: Okazaki, you know you’re supposed to be the client, right? Why are you even participating? 

Okazaki: Ahaha, that’s true. Ahaha… I got a little careless. 

Enomoto: You forgot…?

Sasazuka: Good grief, all these ideas are horrible. If you’re all going to be like this then don’t participate to begin with. You’re last, Yanagi-san.

Yanagi: Didn’t I say accessories were good before? They’re a bit too expensive to buy herself, and rings and necklaces are a bit too heavy, so I think a bracelet would be nice. 

Sasazuka: As expected of Yanagi-san, reliable as always. Let’s go with that. 

Okazaki: Wow! A decision’s been made? The title “When You Have Trouble Go Find Yanagi Aiji” wasn’t given for nothing, huh... 

Yanagi: Where did that come from? Never heard of it… 

Okazaki: It’s like saying it’s okay to rely on Yanagi-san even in the main story. They say you’re as reliable as a certain cat-shaped robot [1]. 

Yanagi: Don’t talk about the main story. And, don’t compare people to service tools. You lot are just too unorganized. 

Enomoto: Eh? Wait… if Yanagi-senpai’s handling the gift, then who’s in charge of the cooking?

Sasazuka: We can have Mineo or Shiraishi-san do it.

Enomoto: Eh….? But Yanagi-san’s full course spread… 

Shiraishi: I’ve never done anything like cooking before, I’d rather plan for the surprise. 

Yanagi: Shiraishi doing the surprise? …I’ve got a bad feeling about that… 

Sasazuka: The stupid cat might die if you screw up. 

Okazaki: It’s okay, I’ll eliminate any threats that come her way.

Shiraishi: Why don’t you guys trust me? I’ll scare her properly. 

Enomoto: That’ll be bad for her heart… I’m sure of it.

Yanagi: Shiraishi, we’re doing a normal surprise. 

Shiraishi: Okay, okay, I’ll keep that in mind. 

Sasazuka: The cooking duties will be on Mineo. 

Enomoto: Me…? Well, if it’s for her then fine… 

Yanagi: Then let’s start preparing. That’s all for today. Disperse. 

---

Sasazuka: Five more days until that stupid cat’s birthday.

Attendant: Welcome~ Please let me know when you’ve decided on something. 

Sasazuka: I’ll have your best looking, best tasting, if a person were to receive it they’d be the happiest ever cake. 

Attendant: E-Eh…? Um… uh, I-I’ll get a pamphlet for you… please wait a moment. 

Sasazuka: Mm. 

Sasazuka: (As always they have the good stuff, as expected, I’m not mistaken. There should be something that will satisfy me in this shop. It’s rare to be able to buy a cake with company allowance, should definitely buy one that’s good. Nothing will go wrong if I pick her cake out myself, plus it’s not bad to see that stupid cat’s happy expression.

Getting a cake that will make her happy is nothing, it’s easy. When she does her work well enough once in a while, she’ll wag her tail when I give her sweets as a reward-- is she a dog? Well, it’s not bad to see. And it’s entertaining. 

Besides, she’ll be happy then, because I gave her sweets— no, because I praised her. Even I know this much. Let’s not think about the outcome for now, even I know how hard that idiot works all the time. If I tell her “I don’t hate this idiotic side of you”, then she’ll definitely be happy. 

Heh, not bad. There’s a limit on how unlike me I can be though.)

---

Enomoto: Four more days until that one’s birthday. 

Hmhm, today’s special is… oh, bean sprouts are on sale. If I grab these then next month’s rent will be a little easier-- wait, no, no, no, no, how could I do something Yanagi-senpai would?! I don’t have to pay attention to what’s on sale if I’m cooking for a birthday! 

Hm… homemade… feels celebratory… is a bit luxurious… okay! Let’s go with the great Enomoto special chirashi sushi[2]! That’s that~ 

When it comes to chirashi sushi, there should be shrimp, and… I’ve read that girls like refreshing food more than greasy ones. Speaking of, does she like eel? … Grilled eel isn’t usually something she’d be able to eat, she’ll definitely be excited for that!

Dammit, if only I could ask her what she likes… 

Oh! What about cutting carrots into star shapes? Hoshino likes childish things, she should be happy with that.

Hehe, her smile’s gonna be taken by the great Enomoto! 

Hm, no, maybe heart shapes would be better.

Guh, no! It’s not like I’m showing her my feelings! I’m not planning to say something like “please accept my feelings” or anything!! 

Uh… what am I saying to myself, I should confirm the menu first. 

If the most important flavours aren’t good then there’s no point making it. I’ll definitely make her say it’s delicious!

---

Shiraishi: Three more days until her birthday. 

Now then, after some thinking… my head hurts. I’ve never been to a birthday party, nor have I seen one before.

[Clicking and typing]

What exactly is a birthday party?

Even though it’s work, a case that isn’t stimulating is just bothersome. 

Well, as long as I understand it well, it’ll be useful in future psychoanalysis, so I’ll deal with it. 

Hm~ I see… I mostly understand what a birthday party is, it wasn’t too far from what I expected, next is about the surprise…  [Clicking] He~eh? A classic surprise is a trap? And… putting a blackboard eraser in the crack of a door??

Heh, being able to see her surprised reaction wouldn’t be bad at all. She’s so open, seeing her expressions one by one will be amusing. Ah, but.. this is a birthday celebration so I shouldn’t... make her angry.

Even though it’ll be fun to see her angry, I’ll bear with it this time… this time I should try to make her smile?  

Hm… what can I do to make her smile? ...How strange, usually these things are easily known just by observing them, but when it comes to her, it becomes more and more difficult to find the correct answer… 

But, when I imagine how she’ll laugh… it’s nice, it’s not bad at all. 

It’ll be nice to see the real thing once in a while, the smile she always shows when she’s happy. 

---

Okazaki: Two more days until her birthday.

Mm! I got it, I’m glad the preparations are going along smoothly. Thank you. I’m counting on you to keep this up until the day! 

[Beep]

Everyone’s working so hard, it’ll definitely be a wonderful birthday party. But, I can’t just leave it to everyone else. I also have to think about what will make her happy. 

Yanagi-san was chosen to handle the gift we’re giving her… hm… if it was her, no matter what we give her, she’ll probably say that she’s happy. 

If that’s the case, I hope she can be happy from the bottom of her heart. 

When it comes to things that won’t be forgotten, memories are best. 

Ah, maybe I’ll take her out to see the wonderful night view after the birthday party. 

Hehe, a helicopter date sounds good too. 

Hu… I actually wanted just the two of us to celebrate together… I really wanted her birthday to be a special day. I think about it a lot. ...But, you told me you’d be happy to spend time with everyone… when you say it like that, you make people want to make your wish come true.

But, it’ll be a little frustrating for me to tell them that, so this will be a secret.

Next year, I want to celebrate with just the two of us. 

---

Yanagi: One more day left until her birthday.

How weird… how did it turn out like this? How did I end up being in charge of the present when I was obviously more suited for the food? 

Attendant: Welcome, please take your time looking.

Yanagi: It’s been years since I went into a jewelry store. No, wait, have I ever been in one? I’ve never chosen a gift for a woman before. Hm... 

Attendant: If you’re having a hard time, I can give you my recommendations. Is it a gift for your girlfriend? 

Yanagi: Ah- no- it’s for a coworker. [Small voice] A coworker, right? [Normal] A coworker… I… think. 

Attendant: In that case, how about something from this series? It’s not as bold as some of the other ones, but it has a cute design, and is popular among women. 

Yanagi: A-Ah...

Attendant: If you have any questions, please feel free to ask. 

Yanagi: It’s not too luxurious, but not too simple either. It’s not conspicuous but the design is quite good, it’s not bad. I feel like it’d suit her. This is already the tenth store, I should pick one out soon… if she knew I picked it out what would she think? 

“It doesn’t seem like something Yanagi-san would do”... or something like that. … Well, I’m thinking of the same thing about myself anyway.

(That one’s always doing her best. Our office is full of men, not to mention we all have unique personalities. It’s obviously difficult for her to be able to keep up with us. But she never gets discouraged and she thinks about clients more than anyone else. There’s not much I can do for her, but I want to make her happy as a woman just once…)

Attendant: [Laughs] You’ve been thinking about it for a while now, you must be giving it to someone very special. 

Yanagi: Uh… ah… yeah. 

Attendant: For you to be able to think of her that much, I feel jealous just watching. 

Yanagi: (I see… so being this hesitant means that I value her that much. Then let’s keep thinking about it until the last moment. 

In any case, I don’t want to choose carelessly.)

---

Enomoto: Is this enough? 

Sasazuka: It’s tilted, idiot. 

Enomoto: Seriously? Where? 

Sasazuka: Why do you have to make that much noise when you’re just putting up flowers?

Shiraishi: Mm~ it looks good.

Yanagi: Shiraishi, why have you been walking around for a while now? 

Shiraishi: I’m checking on the surprise. 

Okazaki: Are spears going to fall from the sky? Or an explosion? If the office explodes I won’t be able to protect you.

Shiraishi: So annoying, how could you think of me like that? Today’s a birthday celebration, right? A frightening surprise like that would have a negative effect on her heart. I’ve avoided those properly, okay?

Shiraishi: I safely recreated a trick, don’t worry. Hehe, when I see what kind of expression she’ll make… 

Yanagi: You? A trick?

Shiraishi: I properly researched it, read all the information, and practiced it several times. I worked so hard, I hoped you guys would praise me. 

Enomoto: Ehh, Shiraisai-san? Kinda surprising.

Sasazuka: Speaking of surprising, it’s the same for Mineo. 

Enomoto: I-I worked hard, you know! 

Sasazuka: It’s the opposite, I didn’t expect you to be able to make a decent dish. 

Enomoto: …!  Y-You praised someone? Is it going to snow today?! 

Okazaki: The chiraishi sushi is made well! The colors are beautiful, the carrots cut into stars are also really cute. I just stole a small bite earlier and it was delicious! The rice was cooked well too~

Enomoto: That’s because I practiced at home so many-- ha?! Y-You ate some?!!! 

Okazaki: Eh? Yup! A heart-shaped carrot, it was delicious!

Enomoto: HEEEEY!! That was the ONLY special carrot that I put there!! Besides, why are you eating before the birthday girl?! 

Sasazuka: Shut up, what a bunch of idiots.

Shiraishi: Haha, speaking of, as expected of Sasauka. The cake looks both high-quality and delicious. 

Sasazuka: I looked a few highly reviewed cake shop, narrowed it down to a small range and decided to eat all the candidates before I decided. It’s impossible for it to taste bad. Should also suit the stupid cat’s tastebuds. 

Enomoto: You ate them all… how many did you eat? 

Okazaki: And the present Yanagi-san chose fits her image perfectly. Hehe, I’ll be glad to make her happy.

Shiraishi: It looks like you struggled a lot too?

Yanagi: Something like that.

Okazaki: I remember you said you were hesitant about which one to buy for a really long time? I heard you went into every single jewelry shop in Shinjuku. 

Yanagi: First of all, just entering one takes a lot of effort. 

Shiraishi: No matter how you look at it, you don’t suit jewelry stores at all. It would have been amusing if I was there to see you in person.

Enomoto: Maa, it’s great we managed to finish preperations safely. The interior decoration and the dining table setting are also done. Now all we have to do is wait for today's protagonist to come! 

Yanagi: We’re finally here, fortunately nothing bad happened… 

Shiraishi: It’s because everyone was doing things their own way~ 

Enomoto: I don’t want to be told that by Shiraishi-san… 

Okazaki: Hmhm! I agree with Mineo-kun.

Shiraishi: How surprising, I care less about the atmosphere more than I do things my way. 

Yanagi: The only reason why we’re all willing to assist is because it was “for Hoshino”, huh? No wonder everyone’s been so united... 

Sasazuka: I want to hurry up and eat the cake. Is she coming or not?

Okazaki: I think she’s almost here...

Enomoto: Oh! She’s coming!

Shiraishi: Hu… then shall we start the birthday party?

Okazaki: Everyone, are your poppers ready? 

Yanagi: Yeah.

Sasazuka: We were ready ages ago, just hurry up and let her in. 

Enomoto: Then I’m gonna open the door!

Everyone: ⭐Happy birthday!⭐

---------------------------

Yanagi: So you’re a year older now. The age difference between us is smaller by a year for now. You’re happy? Haha, I guess I am as well. I really appreciate the day that you were born, from the bottom of my heart. 

---------------------------

Okazaki: I’ve always wanted to celebrate your birthday. I wanted to have you all to myself on your special day. Hehe, it feels like I’m happier about this than you, huh? Next time, can I celebrate my birthday with you? 

---------------------------

Enomoto: Um… you know, I thought about it a lot. About how to make you happy. This might sound stupid but-- when it comes to how I feel about celebrating your birthday, I won’t lose to anyone!

---------------------------

Sasazuka: Ah? You’re surprised to see me celebrate your birthday? You’re my plaything, so it’ll be weird if people other than me celebrated your birthday. Alright, don’t be so loud, let me talk. You just need to wag your tail and be happy. 

---------------------------

Shiraishi: I don’t really understand it but, today is a really important day for you, isn’t it? Then, that means it’s an important day for me too. Haha, yes. Because you’re special to me, in every sense of the word. If this kind of thing can make you smile that brightly, then birthdays aren’t so bad. 

--------------------------- Translator’s notes: [1] ‘certain cat-shaped robot’ - Doraemon. [2] Chiraishi sushi - Called ‘scattered sushi’ in English, think of a rice bowl but with sushi rice and sushi toppings.

[mahalidael]

Heart Attack #1: It’s Over, Romeo! I Have the High Ground

Content warning: Swearing, injury, brief mentions of sexual content.

What if you could share a body with your soulmate? Sounds like a fun story, but for Kanon and Stephanie, it's reality--a painfully awkward reality, especially because they hate each other and now they have to fight crime.

It all started when I broke Stephanie Lemaire’s wrist in study hall.

When I moved to Kansas, I noticed there were a lot of jocks, a lot of girls, and an overwhelming number of jock girls at my school. At the time, I had no idea why there were so many, I was just afraid to talk to them—and for some reason they liked congregating in Ms. Parker’s classroom.

Security during study hall was lax. A lot of people just wandered around in the hallway convening with friends. I think I was the only person who actually studied, no matter how much the flock of capes distracted me.

I don’t know exactly why they went to Ms. Parker’s room—maybe it was just convenient, but more likely is that people gravitated to Stephanie.

Stephanie had a surprising silhouette for a Kansas girl. She was about fifteen when I met her and her shoulders had already broadened out. She had firm features and a really butch way of dressing—I bet she would have looked like a football player if she cut her Dolly Parton curls, but she didn’t. She was also dumb as a box of hammers.

Never had one girl been blamed for so much. Every time I heard something about her, it was an answer to a question. “Why doesn’t the cafeteria have barbecue sauce packets any more?” “Stephanie was hoarding them.” “Why can’t we use duct tape on school grounds?” “Stephanie taped some kid to the closet door.”

I didn’t actually talk to her that much. Sometimes she would push me out of the way in the locker room, and for a while it was a game for the capes to bop all the short kids over the head in the hallway, but no real talking.

Usually when Stephanie’s meat ocean appeared, I was an easy target. I was fairly small, my hair was just coming in pink at the roots, and I only ever wore sweaters. On top of everything else, I’ve got a heart condition, and periodically turning purple if you over-exert yourself isn’t a recipe for popularity. So most of the time I’d get paper tossed at me, or somebody would make a Super Saiyan joke. Most of the time.

But a little more information, and keep in mind I didn’t know any of this shit at the time, but I heard all of this from Stephanie later on:

The high school capes aren’t an official club, because the school’s not allowed to sanction heroism, but they might as well be. They get together on Sunday afternoons and train their asses off preparing for the day that they too will get to fistfight a clown in a dark alley.

So that’s the set dressing. The conflict is the lacrosse team.

There are two kinds of jock in my high school: lacrosse jock and cape jock. The lacrosse team is mostly supers, so it’s only inevitable that they would feud, and today it had manifested in the form of an arm wrestling tournament in the middle of the room.

I didn’t hear the first part of the conversation, but apparently one of the greasier lacrosse players had challenged one of the capes and now it was just coming together. Winner of the last round got to pick the next challenger, and so it went.

These fights never last, and eventually it was less of a “what sports team is better” contest and more of a “supers are better than capes” contest. It was like Injustice: Gods Among Us but shittier.

I didn’t want to be pulled in, but it was one of those things that were so stupid you just couldn’t look away. The most surprising thing was that Stephanie won three rounds in a row, against three increasingly big lacrosse players. I knew that capes weren’t slouches, but holy shit.

It went downhill when they tied. “We need a tie-breaker,” greasy boy declared.

Stephanie was leaning back in her chair, sweating and red in the face. “I heard you the first time, asslamp; there’s no need to yell. Okay, are there any supers who haven’t gone?” She said, and then took a long drink of the bottle of Gatorade on her desk. I turned away and pretended to cough so it wouldn’t look like I was making eyes at her.

Of course, that act of repressed lesbianism was my undoing. As if cued, everyone simultaneously noticed me. Asslamp said: “Hey, nerd!”

“I—yes?” I sputtered.

“Are you a super?”

“Yes,” I said, before I could stop myself.

The capes erupted into laughter, and the supers groaned. I felt my face heat up. “I’m not gonna wrestle that,” Stephanie giggled.

And I thought “wow… now I’m obligated to kick her ass.”

I stood up, and I walked as confidently as I could towards an arm wrestling match with a girl twice my size, which wasn’t very. Honestly, I wouldn’t have passed a field sobriety test. I sat down and looked her dead in the eye. Everyone else was whooping like idiots.

She put her elbow on the table. “You ready to lose?”

I laughed nervously as I did the same. “No.”

“Wrong hand, short-ass.”

“I’m left-handed, is that a problem?”

Stephanie shrugged and put her left hand in mine. ��Only if you make it a problem.”

Asslamp refereed. “Are you ready? On your marks…”

Everyone in the room was yelling now.

“Get set…”

I squeezed her hand a little harder.

“Go!”

…I wish I had something interesting to say about the ten seconds or so that I actually arm wrestled Stephanie, but really I was just internally screaming. Mostly because I was wilting quickly, and my arm was almost touching the desk, but also because I could not stop pumping myself up to kick her ass.

After all, how could I her beat me? She was so stupid, so arrogant, so blonde, so fucking cu—

And that’s when her arm hit the desk, hard. I could have sworn I heard a snapping sound, but it was lost in the sound of the supers cheering like wild animals. Eventually it subsided when people started noticing that Stephanie was both holding her arm to her chest and screaming bloody murder at me.

“What the fuck did you do to my wrist?!” Sure enough, it was bent strangely, in a way that wasn’t present before we arm wrestled.

Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck. “I’m sorry! It was an accident!”

The apology didn’t stop Stephanie from grabbing me by my sweater. “Son of a bitch, dude, fucking warn me! You know how much trouble we’re gonna get in now? If I get suspended one more time, I’m fucked!”

...Is what I think she said. Her voice sounded really far away for some reason, and all I could hear was a loud electric whine.

And then I apologized, and I apologized, and I said “I didn’t know I could do that,” and then I woke up in the hospital.

Smooth.

I got off easy with the school due to the medical scare. Apparently Stephanie’s parents didn’t sue because this kind of thing happens a lot, and it was a minor fracture. The doctor still made her wear a cast, though, which she made a point of flipping me off with a couple of times.

More confusing was where that sudden burst of strength had come from, and how quickly it had left. Best I could figure was that it was triggered by high stress, but trying to replicate the scenario produced nothing.

Maybe an outside factor had set it off, but aside from the actual arm wrestling, there didn’t seem to be anything unusual…

And then I had that thought that only teenagers and fraternity brothers can have:

Was I—was I being too gay?

I figured, no… it couldn’t be that. I mean, I’d accidentally jacked it to the thought of my first grade teacher once, but that didn’t cause any super-powered fireworks. Besides, whatever creamy feelings I might have had for Stephanie were killed after she made a habit of chucking orange juice cartons at me at lunch.

But I couldn’t be sure—until a few months later, on a biology field trip.

When field trip buddies were announced, we didn’t say anything on the bus, we didn’t say anything in the field trip line, and we didn’t say anything until halfway through the day when our group stopped for lunch. We were required to remain within twenty feet of each other, but otherwise we were completely ignoring each other.

I was like, holding a thing of yogurt, and then Stephanie sat down next to me, and she fished a bag of protein powder (?) out of her varsity jacket, and absolutely nothing else. She swallowed down the whole packet, then walked off towards the bathroom like it was nobody’s business.

Now, my dumb ass was still in that good Asian schoolgirl mentality, and field trip buddy rules said that Stephanie walking to the bathroom was absolutely my business. I jettisoned my yogurt and took off after her.

To give you an idea of what happened: the Kansas City aquarium has a cafeteria. Off that cafeteria, there’s a straight, darkened hallway. At the start of that hallway, there’s a ladies’ room—a ladies’ room that Stephanie was now breezing past, into the shadows.

You what fucking sucks about tall people? They can just strut off wherever they want, and us normal-sized people have to run behind them like idiots.

“Hey, wait!” I shouted as quietly as I could, to avoid getting myself in trouble.

By some miracle, Stephanie didn’t ignore me, but instead turned on her heel and faced me in the darkness, features set. “What?”

“Um…” She glared down at me. “Did you, like, forget your lunch, or…”

“That was my lunch,” she said in the same tone you would say something like “this town ain’t big enough for the two of us.”

“Oh.” Stephanie’s glare was sharp enough to cut glass. “I can buy you a banana or—”

She thrust her right hand towards me, as if asking for a handshake. I blinked. “Go on,” she said.

I carefully shook her hand, not sure what she wanted. She brought her left to her face in a gesture of frustration. “Don’t be stupid!”

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what you want.”

Stephanie huffed. “If you wanna break my other wrist so bad, you might as well do it!”

Aw, man, this again. “I’m not here to break your wrist, I’m here because you’re wandering off into the unknown!”

She leaned into the wall, crossing her arms and looking at me like I was the densest girl she’d ever met. There was no light in the hallway, and the light of the cafeteria was very soft on her face. “It’s not ‘the unknown’ if I know what’s at the end of it. The tour isn’t going through this wing, but it’s still open.”

“Then dick around on your own time! We’re gonna get in trouble again.”

Stephanie puffed her chest out indignantly and planted her feet. “Okay. Go on. Go ahead and stop me.”

I took her hand and pulled hard as I could. Stephanie smiled, barely swaying. I went around to her side and tried pushing her back towards the cafeteria, leaning my whole weight into it, but she didn’t budge at all. All I accomplished was making myself aware that I was half her size.

“Where’d that arm wrestling strength go?” she said when I had finally given up, wheezing a little bit. I hoped I wouldn’t pass out again.

“Shut up.”

“We’ve got twenty minutes. You can’t stop me, so either you go back and get in trouble, or you see something cool and get in trouble. I mean, you’re screwed no matter what happens.”

I weighed my options. Maybe it was the super curiosity in me, but I really wanted to see what was at the end of that dark hallway. And Stephanie was dumb, but she was right. My biology teacher hated me, and if I went back and told her I would still get in trouble.

I took a deep breath. “Five minutes, then we’re gonna try slipping back into the cafeteria.”

“What makes you think you can drive a bargain with me?”

“If I remember anything from that time I broke your wrist, it’s that you care about getting in trouble.”

Stephanie’s expression seemed to do a little dance of panic and anger before getting schooled. “Whatever. Five minutes is good. Come on, follow me.”

She kept a firm hand on my shoulder, and her face was still very neutral, but she held onto me like she was scared I was gonna run off or try to break her arm again.

As we walked down the hallway, my eyes adjusted to the darkness, and I could see we were approaching a pair of doors at the end. They were painted black, and looking at them I thought it was a place that I wouldn’t be allowed to enter.

“There’s a reason,” Stephanie said when she reached the doors, “why this hallway is so dark, and it’s not because it’s closed.” She grinned at me. “You ready?”

“Ready enough.”

“Watch this.” She opened the door just a crack, and I saw a soft purple light in the darkness.

Vote and comment on Wattpad.

[yahoo-puck-daddy-blog]

Puck Daddy Countdown: Tom Wilson, concussions and a huge cap increase

7. Tom Wilson and also the refs and also the league

This is getting ridiculous.

Like, OK, the argument from the Department of Player “Safety” is that yes, the hit on Jon Marchessault was late but there was no head contact and it’s not technically illegal to hit a guy from his blindside.

But keep in mind, when Matt Cooke basically ended Marc Savard’s career, putting a Legion of Doom-style spiked shoulder pad into a guy’s chin was also technically not illegal. Didn’t change the fact that Matt Cooke had a long and prosperous history of dirty hits most guys in the league who, y’know, have respect for their opponents’ safety, wouldn’t have even tried.

Honestly, in what way is Wilson, a useful player who also happens to be an injurious dumbass, different from Cooke, a similarly effective checking forward who plays to injure? I would love to have that explained to me by a Capitals fan whose brain functions properly.

But that’s the thing with Wilson’s hit. It wasn’t technically anything more than interference but everyone (save for the Tom Wilson stans, who are all sicko freaks) agrees it was late, and y’know maybe I’m crazy here, but it seems like you should have a reasonable expectation to not get drilled at 40 miles an hour by a guy you never saw coming nearly a full second after you got rid of the puck, which is already 20 feet away from you. It’s a predatory hit, full stop. His eyes got as big as saucers; he had plenty of time to not make that hit.

Tom Wilson needs to be stopped. (Photo by Bruce Bennett/Getty Images)

(Side note: Shouldn’t Ryan Reaves have beaten Wilson’s ass to death for that hit? Like, not just because a fight there is warranted in the Hockey Man’s mind, but also because if you get Wilson off the ice for five and only have to give up Reaves, that’s a great trade for Vegas. Hell, in theory Reaves’ presence in the lineup should have been a deterrent for that hit in the first place, but hey guess what: It turns out that’s not actually a thing.)

In soccer, if you commit multiple fouls throughout the game, a referee can give you a yellow card for any foul where he feels like, “OK, that’s plenty from this prick.” And Tom Wilson plays like a total prick, sorry. This guy has — or at least should have — long ago torched whatever benefit of the doubt he got from the league, but this is the Cup Final and a bunch of losers from Vancouver still cry all the time about the (deserved) Aaron Rome suspension seven years ago, so you can see why the league would want to avoid that kind of thing again.

Especially because if the NHL acknowledges the refs blew it on the Wilson minor (which maybe should have been a major?) they also must necessarily acknowledge the refs blew it even harder on the Reaves goal, which shouldn’t have counted.

And if there’s one thing the league really wants to do at all times, it’s make sure there’s nothing that would lead to refs being accountable for being horrible at their jobs. That’s playoff hockey baby!

6. Concussion stuff

Came out this week that a bunch of owners, I swear to god, acted like they had never in their entire miserable lives heard of CTE. “Never heard of it, what’s that?” kind of denials, which is pretty amazing considering all the concussion lawsuits that have been going on for the NHL and other major sports leagues. Like even if you don’t know exactly what it is, surely you’re aware that it exists — as in, you’ve literally heard it mentioned, ever.

Also, TSN uncovered a mockup of a concussion awareness poster the league put together that, as a joke I guess(?), said one of the symptoms was “feeling like a giant [sexist term for a wimp or a coward and you know the one I’m talking about].” They also removed language in the finalized versions of those posters advising players that numerous concussions can lead to dementia later in life.

Meanwhile, Johan Franzen’s wife is out here in the Detroit media telling the horror stories about her nice husband’s struggles with brain injuries.

Now, *putting my thumbs into my suspenders* I’m no fancy big-city lawyer, but it seems to me this case is not going to end well for the NHL. They’re not only bad actors on this stuff (obviously), they’re openly contemptuous of it. You’d think this many rich guys couldn’t be this stupid, but wealth strips you of your humanity and the NHL has a long, celebrated history of being horribly run.

So here we are.

5. *Lana Del Ray voice* Playing video games

Here’s my theory: If you put it out there that there’s a highly regarded prospect whose career was ruined by playing too many video games, you’re necessarily going to get every person whose team picked top-10 in the past five drafts to go, “Is it this guy?!?”

And then you have to go out there and say, “I said I wasn’t gonna do this for every player, but it’s not that one guy,” until you’ve done it for every player. So you might as well say the player the first time or — better yet — not say anything at all. Hmm.

This is like in fifth grade when someone tells you, “I have a secret but I can’t tell you what it is” and then also stands around letting you guess for 10 minutes before laughing and walking away. Dumb.

4. Melnyk!

Shout out to Daniel Alfredsson finally just saying everyone wants Eugene Melnyk to just sell the damn Senators already. Everyone hates him! Including the guy who’s running for mayor, which honestly is bound to be a fairly popular political position in town.

It’s like Melnyk keeping the team out of spite (or maybe to get some more vital organs) at this point. Pretty bad scene up there. Wonder if the NHL will try to force his hand here.

3. Narratives

Saw something on Twitter yesterday where they had Keith Olbermann on ESPN saying it might be wise for teams like the Oilers with mega-stars to conisder trading those elite players for several second-line talents.

You know, because of Vegas. And presumably because the Oilers sucked this year.

The premise of the argument is flawed because we know for sure Vegas didn’t just take a whole team of second-line guys. Maybe you say they were incorrectly valued as second-line talent, but that also doesn’t really address the larger issue of the argument that you should give up, say, Connor McDavid or Auston Matthews to get a handful of significantly less impactful players.

This is, I guess, Olbermann advocating for more Tyler Seguin trades. How did that work out for the Bruins, I wonder.

Anyway, you can expect this stuff to keep happening because Vegas is probably gonna win the Cup and people won’t look at the “why” of it, just that it happened. I love not learning anything from anything.

2. The Cup Final

Let’s hope tonight’s game is even 60 percent as entertaining as Game 1, but also like 150 percent better-officiated. This is good hockey.

1. A (potentially) huge cap increase

It was revealed before Game 1 that the salary cap could go up as much as $7 million next season. Not sure if that includes the players’ ability to use the 5 percent escalator (which would mean more escrow payments, but that hasn’t stopped them from both doing the escalator and then complaining about escrow).

But the idea that the cap could go up more than nine percent? Hoo boy. I’m specifically thinking about Vegas here, because they only have $50.2 million or so committed to 19 guys for next year.

And oh yeah, that $50.2 million includes David Clarkson, who they could LTIR the second they hit the cap ceiling, so in theory their actual cap number is closer to $45 million.

They need to re-sign Wild Bill Karlsson after his big season, as well as Colin Miller, Shea Theodore, and both Tomas Nosek and William Carrier. But what do you think those guys put together actually cost? Like $12 million? So they’re up to maybe like $57 million.

This team having like THIRTY MILLION DOLLARS to spend this summer? Come on, man. Imagine they take a run at that Erik Karlsson/Bobby Ryan trade again and pull it off. Imagine they take a run at Ilya Kovalchuk. Imagine they take a run at John Tavares. “You don’t pay state income tax” and (maybe) “We just won a Stanley Cup” is a hell of a sales pitch, no?

Get Karlsson and Bobby Ryan, that’s like $13.75 million. Big chunk of change but presumably Ottawa will take money back, too, just because they have to hit the cap floor at the very least. So maybe $10 million for those two in terms of net costs? OK, that gets them up to $67 million (or more) in cap obligations.

Give Tavares $10 million, whatever. That’s $77 million. Give Kovalchuk $5 million. That’s $82 million.

Plus you can probably finagle a couple sell-high trades to get some money off the books elsewhere. C’mon. It would be incredible.

(Not ranked this week: That Evander Kane deal.

When people said Evander Kane should be locked up, this is not what they meant!

Ha ha ha. Pretty good joke.

But for real, when you can give $7 million times seven to a 27-year-old who can’t stay healthy and has a career high of 57 points (set six years ago) and comes with a litany of what can be generously described as “off-ice issues” (multiple assault allegations) you gotta do it. Right?)

—

Ryan Lambert is a Puck Daddy columnist. His email is here and his Twitter is here.

(All statistics via Corsica unless otherwise noted.)

More Stanley Cup coverage from Yahoo Sports

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

16 best uses of 280 characters on Twitter

After weeks of testing, Twitter rolled out a major update to its platform, doubling each tweet's character count from 140 to 280. 

Exhilarating, right? 

SEE ALSO: Twitter makes 280 characters the new normal

While the update may seem small to some, it is a pretty drastic change that will affect how users interact on the app. Though the feature is still new, here are the best ways people have used the increased character limit so far. 

1. Grace the internet with more Smash Mouth

this is a test: Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming Fed to the rules and I

— Johnny Simon (@johnnysimon) November 7, 2017

2. Use 280 characters to talk crap about 280 characters 

I mean, if you can’t say something in a tight two sentences, save it for your blog, you know? Maybe we should all be more conscious with our communication and spend more time focusing on the things important to us. Like dinosaurs, for instance. Anyway, that is all I wanted to say

— SUE the 🦖 (@SUEtheTrex) November 7, 2017

3. Needlessly use 280 characters just because

I've always thought that 140 characters were too little to effectively convey ones thoughts. And now that we have 280, am wondering whether a thought more than 140 characters is a thought worth tweeting. Or worth reading. Still figuring out how to fill the space. Just made it.

— Stephen Lobo (@stephenlobo) November 7, 2017

4. Make that Sign Bunny loaded with content

|￣￣￣￣￣￣￣| | SOS! | | WHAT'S | | THE | | BEST | | USE OF | | THE 280 | | CHARACTER | | LIMIT ON | | TWITTER? | |＿＿＿＿＿____| (\__/) || (•ㅅ•) || / づ

— Los Angeles Zoo ✨ (@LAZoo) November 7, 2017

5. Brands are using 280 characters to promote their brands, as brands do because they're brands and they can't help but be brands

books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books books that's too many this sucks

— Melville House (@melvillehouse) November 7, 2017

6. And using it to show Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey what a terrible idea this was

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. .. .. . .. . .. . .. . . . . . . . . . . see what u did @jack

— Melville House (@melvillehouse) November 7, 2017

7. To show off just how big space truly is 

Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace! #280characters

— Virgin Orbit (@Virgin_Orbit) November 7, 2017

8. Bird rights

BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD

— birdsrightsactivist (@ProBirdRights) November 7, 2017

9. Make a political message

Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks Trump sucks #280characters

— Wedge 🇺🇸 (@realRogueLeader) November 7, 2017

10. The media can use it to help tell stories

"I'm automatically attracted to beautiful [women]—I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star they let you do it. You can do anything ... Grab them by the p—-y. You can do anything." #280characters https://t.co/ShAnYFOsHk

— New York Daily News (@NYDailyNews) November 7, 2017

11. Reminding people to vote

It's only fitting that @twitter is granting all of us #280characters on #ElectionDay There's more space to remind folks how important it is to vote in state and local elections today. Remember, if you're in line by poll closing, they MUST let you #VOTE. https://t.co/wLrp3P4c3u

— Matt Scharfstein🇺🇸 (@MattAsherS) November 7, 2017

12. *DUN DUN*

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. *DUN DUN*

— Law and Order: SVU (@nbcsvu) November 7, 2017

13. Missy Piggy is using the count to talk about herself, something many people do on the internet

What to say when vous discover you suddenly have #280characters on Twitter: Moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi, moi & moi!!

— Miss Piggy (@MissPiggy) November 7, 2017

14. NBA referees now request your complaints be "calm, well-reasoned, and full of complete sentences"

Now that we all have #280Characters, we expect your Twitter complaints about specific calls against your favorite teams to be calm, well-reasoned, and full of complete sentences. Thanks in advance for this positive step forward in basketball officiating-related discourse."

— NBA Referees (@OfficialNBARefs) November 7, 2017

15. Bee Movie quotes 

According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyways. Because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. #280characters

— Buy my merch (@Kierabridget) November 7, 2017

16. Jokes aside, the real winner here goes out to the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, an account that can now provide additional details about children in need of help

#MISSING Ny'ena Allen, 17, was last seen on June 2nd, 2017 in #Virginia Beach, VA. She is believed to be in Virginia Beach or Norfolk, Virginia. If you have any information of Ny'ena's whereabouts, please contact @VBPD or call 1-800-THE-LOST #280characters https://t.co/WLfbmbJI5Z

— NCMEC (@MissingKids) November 7, 2017

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