#I was gonna blame my shitty mental state the past couple of nights on the fact that I was drinking but I’m perfectly sober tonight so :

[celamoon]

Sometimes I think too hard abt my writing and just stare at it and question if my true life purpose is to pump out mid ass fanfiction for the rest of my life

[escapeofmagic-blog]

Never again

Title: Never again

Words: 1005

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader

Summary: Thanos got what he wanted, leaving Earth’s population in pieces. You and Steve were a power couple, but he left after Thanos fulfilled his plan. Now he’s back expecting everything to be like it used to between you two.

Warnings: /

A/N: Let me know if you like it!

The silence and emptiness hung heavily upon the Avenger's tower. Most people were either dead, thanks to Thanos, or left because they couldn’t stand everything that happened.

You couldn’t blame them for leaving. Staying there after everything that happened was slowly killing you, but you knew you couldn’t leave. Natasha needed your help managing every Avenger in the universe and it’s not like you’d dare to leave her alone. She acted all tough, putting a brave face on in front of everyone, but you heard her cry every night after she thought you were asleep..

Nobody was left unharmed after Thanos snapped his fingers and even though six months had passed, nobody was even close to being okay.

It was 3:12 in the morning and you were sitting in the kitchen, untouched sandwich in front of you. Netflix was playing on your computer and you stared blankly at it, not paying attention as usual. You thought about everything that could have happened if you defeated Thanos. You thought about Steve and how close you were before all this happened. About a house you were planning to build, about a dog, cat, and children that could have played in the back yard. You could see you and Steve sitting on the porch, holding hands and drinking coffee every morning. Now everything was gone, every dream you ever had crushed with a snap of some asshole’s fingers.

Tea on the table went cold a long time ago and bags under your eyes provided proof that sleep wasn’t your friend for a long time. Not that anyone would care about that, there were more important things to be taken care of than your insomnia.

“Y/N?” a familiar voice behind you called. A familiar voice you didn’t hear in what seemed to be ages.

Slowly you redirected your eyes from the screen to where the voice was coming from, not really believing your ears. Lack of sleep left its consequences on you and the traumatic experience you went through didn’t really help your mental state.

“Steve?” you asked half pissed, half confused.

“Hi.”

“What are you doing here? We don’t need you here. Besides, you told me you were leaving for good. Why come back now?” you hissed, not taking your eyes off his.

Steve smiled awkwardly, shifting from one leg to the other, “So you hate me too now? Welcome to the club,” he chuckled like it was some kind of joke.

“Hate is a strong word,” you started, taking a deep breath, “but yes I do hate you. You have no right just to show up like that, like nothing happened.”

“You know how hard everything was on me, Y/N. Losing Bucky again, losing most of my friends. I told you, you have to understand.”

His eyes widened when you started laughing. Steve expected every response possible but laugh.

“It was hard for you? It was hard for all of us hun, not just for you. We all lost friends, family even. I thought I was lucky enough not to lose a man I loved, I was wrong though. We all suffered but we didn’t disappear, leaving people we love behind without a word. We worked, hard. Why didn’t you try harder? You just left me like everything we had was nothing.”

Silence. Steve was looking at his shoes, not sure what to say. It was true, he was a coward, he didn’t know how to deal with everything so he left, leaving you behind. This was his biggest regret and he wasn’t sure how to fix it.

“I’m not alright, Steve. None of us are. I don’t think anyone will ever be alright ever again. After what Thanos did, you were the only light in my life, how do you think I felt after the person I loved and thought loved me left without a word? The only thing you left behind was a shitty letter that didn’t do shit for me.”

“I’m sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. It was selfish and mean. But I’m better now, I still love you. We can make this work, please. I’m nothing without you.” he pleaded.

You jumped out of your chair, walking past him, “Guess you’re gonna stay nothing, Steve. Too little too late. I can’t trust you anymore, not after this.” Your voice broke a bit, but you maintained your pasture.

You walked past him, needing time alone. You didn’t expect him showing up at the tower anytime soon, even less you expected him confessing his love to you.

Yes, you still loved him, more than you could ever admit to anyone, even yourself. But he betrayed you and everything you believed in. There was no way you could trust him again and even if you did you knew it would kill you if he repeated his betrayal.

“You’re leaving because it’s easier to walk away than to fight for what you really want,” he said calmly, following you.

“Yes, I am. I’m sorry for not wanting to get hurt or betrayed again, Steve. It’s not a matter of what I want or don’t want, but a matter of what is good for me. I used to think that being with you was good for me, but now I know it would be better if Thanos took me instead of someone else. So yeah, I’m walking away because I don’t want to fight anymore or be hurt by you once again. And help me god if you try to stop me.”

Steve was just about to argue with you, but you stopped him, “You can stay, your bedroom is still where it was. We can be a colleague, but there’s no way our relationship will ever get past professional. If we’re not talking about work, we’re not talking at all. Understood?”

With that you turned around, not letting him reply. You hurried to your room, hot tears streaming down your face. There was no way you were gonna let Steve Rogers hurt you ever again.

[loreweaver-universe]

WHAT ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU CAN’T JUST CUT ME OFF LIKE THAT NOOOOOOO COME OOOOOOON

AAAAAGH THAT WAS SO GOOD THOUGH

I am really enjoying this show.  It kinda feels like starting Steven Universe all over again--stylistically and aesthetically it’s fun to watch, it’s funny, the characters are entertaining and likable, it’s fun to tease and makes great material for alt dialogue skits.  I’m really looking forward to seeing more of it as soon as I can.

That won't necessarily be happening immediately, though.  The patron who had me do She-Ra has ended their participation in that tier, so unless someone else picks it as their patronage pick (there’s a fresh slot open for that, if anyone’s interested) it'll be a while.

Or!

We actually still need to pick a replacement for Madoka Magica, which as I said will be on hiatus indefinitely!

As always, my patrons get to suggest shows and then vote on a list I provide, so if you’re pledged then get suggesting, but I'm gonna be adding She-Ra to the list of shows you get to vote on.  There’s a post up on my Patreon where you can suggest shows, so feel free to post ideas without actually casting a final vote, but I want you guys to know that this one's on the table.

Again, there’s a free slot in the “pick a show” patron tier on my Patreon!  If you’ve got a show you want me to watch, click this link and pledge!  People have asked me to post publicly when slots open up, and there’s only one open right now, so go snag it if you want it.

IN OTHER NEWS:

I am very unwell.

At this point it’s harmful to myself for me to pretend otherwise.  I am having the worst couple months I’ve had in years.  My Seasonal Affective Disorder is going haywire, one of my medicines isn’t helping as well as it should, I haven’t been able to afford to get the other one for a bit.  I’m suffering from insomnia, daily anxiety attacks, horrible self-worth issues.  I’m behind on bills.  My phone’s been off for weeks.  I’ve been dealing with Patreon disappearing some of my payout money all month and desperately trying to get the Minecraft server host to respond to my customer service tickets at all.  I’m stressed out of my mind.  I’m a mess.  I’m in the worst mental health state I’ve been in a long, long time.

The content I’ve been putting out for you guys has been suffering for quite a while because of my issues but those issues have really risen to a fever pitch of shittiness in the last couple months.  I’m working on the less tangible stuff in my life that you guys can’t really help me with, but...seriously, if anyone can help me monetarily, please, please drop by my donation box.  I need help, guys.  I’ve tried looking for work, but this tiny town’s dead, and even after brute-force applying everywhere in this town and the next one over (which I can only get to via a 45 minute bike ride) the only place that even called me back was a friend’s family-owned restaurant, which I didn’t do well at.  (It isn’t helping my state of mind that my parents keep telling me to just get a job in spite of the aforementioned job application saturation, let me tell you.)

Anyways, I won’t rant more about the state of my life; I let this go on too long as it is.  Things are tight all around, too--I won’t blame anyone for not throwing money at me if they need it themselves, but, please, if you can spare a few dollars, it’d help me a lot in digging myself out of the hole I’m in.  Whether any of you donate or not, though, I want you all to know how much getting to do this for you all means to me.  I have no higher purpose in life than to make people smile, and the fact I can entertain so many of you warms me up on the coldest nights.

Thank you.

IN OTHER OTHER NEWS:

I’ve recently reuploaded the movie commentary tracks I did with a friend in 2017!  Check them out here!

You should also go pledge to Gio, our Discord server maintenance tech, creator of Rubybot, and community Minecraft server overlord.  He deserves far more than I can afford to give him.

In the meantime, if you’d like more of me:

My Discord server, where you can come hang out with other fans!

My Twitch channel, where I stream Minecraft and miscellaneous games!

My Youtube channel, where you can check out past streams!

Our community also has a guild in Path of Exile, which launched their newest free expansion a month and a half ago!  Go check the game out, it’s a fantasy horror game that’s basically Diablo II with Materia and a Sphere grid.  If you want to join the guild, get in touch via the Discord server!  (The game’s completely free and survives off cosmetics, you really should try it!)

If you’d like to help support me financially (yes please, I’m stilling hurting from all the Patreon snafus of the past year) you can use my direct donation link to put some food on my shelf, or pledge to my Patreon if you want to support me per episode completed, which not only allows you to vote on what shows I do next, but also grants access to the Minecraft server I stream from to $5 patrons or higher!  

It’s your kindness and support that lets me do this stuff, and I wouldn’t be where I am without all of you to do it for.  Thank you all so much for your support, and for tuning in every episode!

OTHER PEOPLE YOU MAY ENJOY:

I may have been one of the earlier Steven Universe liveblogs, but a whole community of livebloggers has sprung up over the last two years!   I linked to a bunch individually for a few wrap-ups, but honestly, this end-slate is already eight billion miles long, so I’m just gonna link to my links page.  Click here if you want recommendations of other livebloggers, or other neat people, or webcomics and podcasts that I recommend.

[atleast-we-were-electrified]

I REALLY needed this vent...

The past couple of days, I’ve been having a really tough fight with my mental health. I don’t particularly know why or what brought it on, it’s pretty hard to pinpoint but when I get like this, I tend to really dive into the hurt and the pain I’ve felt previously. I suppose this would be natural….feeling anxious and depressed over empty feelings?? Just think about the things that would initially throw you off guard and then you’ve nailed it! (sense the sarcasm). It initially started with thinking of a pretty toxic friendship I got myself into during high school and honestly, toxic is probably a really generous word to describe this. I will try keep this short. I struggled with settling into high school, due to going to a school not in the area I went to primary school…which meant a full new year group of people to try know. I spoke to the odd couple of people in my classes, just because I sat with them etc, got the people I spent lunch with but then I got close with a girl, who we are gonna call Sarah for the purpose of this story. Me and Sarah built a friendship pretty quickly, did nearly everything and anything together…sleepovers, concerts, random walks, mcdonald's runs, the cinema…pretty much you name it, we most likely did it together…we were attached by the hip. The friendship lasted right up until not long before we were going to start our 5th year at high school (maybe nearer the half way point of 4th year, give or take that time period). I was the last to notice the toxic nature that began earlier on in this friendship,  I guess the ‘victim’ always is the last one to really know just how bad a relationship is for them because they are so fast to jump onto being the caring person they are. Anyways, throughout this friendship with ‘Sarah’, I was distanced away from the people I had made friendships with from other classes, who I did get on with REALLY well, like really well…'Sarah' would get really angry and upset if I began talking about these other friends in conversation, or other friends we had made through going to gigs, meeting celebrities etc. I, in her eyes, wasn’t exactly allowed to have other friends…”my friend and my friend only” was the kind of attitude she had…but can we make a lucky guess who was allowed to befriend all these other people?….I really got lucky here didn’t I? I would eventually brush of the ‘petty’ arguments we would have…that’s what happened with high school and high school friendships, right? It was the normality. For the most part, this is what I thought and would always be able to see the good in people. Now, this is where I suppose it gets pretty shit. Arguing with ‘Sarah’, for anybody, not just me, was a task. She wasn’t ever wrong. If you called her out for wrongdoings, (which was pretty much 8/10 arguments you’d have, it be at her fault) she would point blame to being upset over her deceased mother. That was wrong of her. SO SO wrong. It turned the original victim of an argument to become apologetic for arguing back. I am by no means disregarding her feelings about her mother’s death, because they are SOOO understandable and something everyone would regret to happen to them…but she had a really horrible, nasty side to her and to put the blame away from herself was really bad. I recall the time where I noticed she would text other friends of hers about me. Sneaking pictures I wasn't aware she was taking, sending them to these people (some I didn’t even know nor met), and then talking down about me. Calling me every under the sun…. Would caption them things like, ‘I mean look at her…’ & ‘even Im prettier than THAT and i'm not that pretty’. I seen ALL of this and to this day, I don’ think she knows I seen anything at all, never mind conversations with a fair few people doing the same thing whenever I was being spoken about. I only know this because she had her iMessage linked up to her laptop, which she would let me use whenever I was over since mine had broke, so she was texting her friend at the time and didn’t realise I was getting each notification through as I scrolled through twitter ….AND I didn't even have the heart to say a word? Why? Honestly, I don’t know….she fell asleep and I ended up snooping a little (yes. I know, I really shouldn’t have but when you see small snippets of messages with your name in them…your anxiety runs WILD).  I kept being friends with her for at least another year and a half following this incident. Another incident was that after an argument we had at her house in her room (she had an attic room), I cant really remember what for, I have a really bad short term memory because I am dyslexic but from what  I do remember, it really probably wasn’t worth the dramatic antics from it but anyway, I got really anxious and didn’t feel comfortable staying the night and going out the next day, and preferred to go home but instead  of letting me leave and have my space…she sat down ON the hatchet door to go down from the attic and its a heavy door without somebody sitting slap down in the middle of it. I spent a good solid hour/ 1hr 30mins nudging her to move, trying to lift it, taking numerous panic attacks and she did….not..care. If I nudged her, she full forced pushed me away. “It’s my room so you’re not leaving here”. All I wanted in that moment was to go home and pull the covers up to my face in my OWN bed in my OWN room and cry my life away.  It was a pretty shitty situation, it really hurt me for weeks and weeks after this. I would still talk to these other people in my classes I got really good friends with…while I was in class but god forbid if I ever spoke to them outwit my classes when I should have been speaking to ‘Sarah’…that wasn’t allowed but it honestly, really wasn't the same as many people were aware of the type of person ‘Sarah’ was and saw right through the ‘good girl’ act she would put on. The friendship ended up finishing…finally (tehehe) when I came to my senses after something really, REALLY traumatic happened, for me at the time anyway, which I wouldn’t really know, where or how to even begin to write about that. By fluke, she had lowkey began distancing herself (or she always had but I noticed it this point)  a couple months before this incident began happening, so with this happening, I just cut ties because It was realising who my friends were caring about me and not disregarding me feeling how I felt then. She made my life living hell at school for a good month after cutting ties,  we were in a few classes together because of us being in the same registration class (so a smaller class of our full year split) , so she wasn’t somebody I could avoid every day at school.  It was a very lonely place to be. I’m not gonna list everything she did to make me feel how she did at this point but I was in class before lunch (which she was in) and she was sat talking about me to other girls at the other side of the class for the full 50 minutes and every time id look up from my desk, it was a line of dirty looks looking back at me. When class finished, I stood in the corridor and waited for it to clear a bit and I broke down into tears, I hadn’t cried like this before in public…. And to my luck, the friends I had in other classes, that I was ‘forced’ to break friendship with, were walking in my direction in an empty corridor and saw me in an absolute state and just sat with me and hugged me and just was really, REALLY decent people to me. To this day, I don’t think I could thank these people enough for allowing me to remember what it felt to be cared about. There is literally so so much that went on between all this, that would be an absolute shock to the system if I went back and described it all in detail etc but I’m gonna save myself from crying more than I have / am.  I could dive into rumours she started about me, things she would say or do about me while I was literally stood next too her but her choice of wording made it sound differently too myself. She would force me into things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing ( I tweeted recently about the time where she forced me to let her put make up samples on me, like a full face, in a store publicly because ‘it would make me prettier’ ..and I let her and oh god I felt uncomfortable) Not really sure how and what else to say because as much as she made my life the worse it could have ever been, if anything ever happened to her I would be distraught still. So many people wonder why or how I would even think to concern about her after all the things she has done to me but she is still a person and she is a person I spent a large chunk of my life with and at a part of my life where it is known to be a hard time for a lot of people. I cared A LOT for her, more than I should have but I did. I wouldn’t ever go back there and be friends with her ever again but were both I guess older now and I’d like to think, passing her in the street, I would still say, ‘hey how are you’. I doubt so much, she is the same person she was in high school…everyone grows up and matures eventually but I do still believe she would be capable of doing it again to other people if she really wanted too. I just really cannot believe just HOW blind to the truth I was. Other friends out with school who didn’t even know her, were telling me to cut ties…my mum was….my FULL family was. It was the point where they would refuse her to stay over or to give us a ride places because they just were really disgusted in the things she did too me. She was manipulative, she was controlling and extremely overpowering. NOBODY deserves this. Its made me so much more aware of character judgement but I guess by biggest downfall is always seeing the good in people lmao but I fully sympathise with anyones horrible, toxic friendships. If you are in one, I do not hate anyone for feeling like they are stuck and bound to the relationship because that is how they make you feel…they make you feel like you can’t do things that would jeopardise the friendship….yet that is what they are doing themselves? It is a brave thing to do and as ive said, I will never ever regret it…EVER. It did make the last while of high school so much more bearable and my transition onto my next step of education was ridiculously easier as I wasn’t feeling like I had to stay and finish school (I left a year earlier) because ‘she would be alone’. If you’ve gotten this far, im gonna give you a star because it was such a while ride and this was written purely to get it out my system. I wanted to vent out about my infertility syndrome, MRKH as well as boy has that made me want to rip my hair out and eat it recently alongside reliving the feelings of this toxic friendship again but I will spare that one for now as this is lengthy and I’m not even gonna read it back…I’m too dyslexic for that. As you will have realised, I don’t REALLY do describing things and experiences I’ve had with A+ author grammar and English words so it probably doesn’t come across in words as it does in my head but all anyone needs to take by the end of this is that it fucking sucked and If you’re in a toxic relationship of any kind, it is OK to leave it. I wish everyone the best and I hope ya’ll have nice days💜 

[shamelessly4shameless-blog]

The Sand In Your Shoe (pt 7)

Ian waited and waited. 

For the first week, his heart rushed into his throat whenever a text message came through and he couldn’t seem to get his phone out of his pocket without fumbling it.

After two weeks, he stopped putting it into a baggy whenever he wanted to shower for fear of missing a call.

After three weeks, he made himself turn it off at night so that he wouldn’t be in a constant state of waiting.

He went back to the Alibi to talk to Svetlana and she told him Mickey would either call or he would not. It was probably the least helpful conversation Ian had ever had.

He tried to call Mandy, feeling shitty that he was calling after all this time just to get hold of her brother, but the number he had for her was disconnected.

Finally, at a loss of what else to do, he asked Debbie to show him how Facebook worked.

They met at a coffee shop while Frannie was at pre-school, Debbie was on her lunchbreak from the diner over the street and Ian paid for coffee and sandwiches whilst she set him up.

“It’s literally so easy. You make a profile and add people. It’s like a boring version of Tinder … or Grindr, I guess.”

She tapped away on the screen, pausing to ask his email address and which photo he wanted but otherwise completely focussed on her task. It seemed to be a trait of the redheaded Gallaghers, total and unwavering focus on any set goal.

“Cool.”

Ian nodded and bit his lip, watching her work.

“I don’t think he’ll be on here though.”

“Who?”

“Mickey. Like, he might be but not with his real name.”

Debbie looked up and smiled at her big brother gently.

“It’s OK, I won’t tell Fiona you’re looking.”

“You can … if you wanted to. I don’t really care what she thinks about it.”

Ian shrugged.

“You’re all set. Want me to search him for you?”

“No, it’s fine. I’ll do it later.”

Ian slipped his phone into his hoodie pocket and gave Debbie a half hearted smile.

“Besides, even if he wasn’t a fugitive, Mickey wasn’t really a social media kind of guy.”

“No, but he loved you enough to want to kill Sammi for you so he might have made a profile or something so you could find him.”

Debbie stood up and collected her purse from under the seat, ignoring the way Ian dropped his eyes to the floor and started fidgeting with a stray sugar packet on the table.

“Listen, Ian, you loved him and you clearly still do. You left him before because you needed to focus on yourself and that’s fine, but if you find him and don’t go to him now, you’re an idiot.”

“Debs, you don’t understand …”

Huffing, she looked at her watch and then sat down again, reaching across the table to grip his hand tightly.

“I really do. I had a baby because I loved Derek and he split because he had to focus on his life. Crime was Mickey’s baby. He chose to break out of prison because he couldn’t stand being away from you … and probably because prison sucks but I bet you were the biggest pull,”

She pushed a stray auburn curl out of her eyes, not relinquishing the grip on Ian’s fingers

“You couldn’t be part of that crime at the time because you had just got your life where you wanted it to be and I bet no one, including Mickey, really blames you for it, but if you let this go now, without trying to be something to him, you’re just an asshole.”

“Did Derek get in touch or something?”

Ian asked trying to cover up his shock and Debbie laughed

“No, Derek is an asshole. But you’re not.”

She stood up and hoisted her bag onto her shoulder, kissing her brother’s cheek.

“Let me know if you find him and if you need someone to water your plants while you’re away.”

*

Ian walked home in a bit of a daze. Debbie’s words had hit him hard and the heavy weight of guilt and anger that had surrounded everything that had happened at the border began to soften into something more manageable.

Debbie was right. Mickey had chosen to escape and that choice had tied one hand behind his back in regard to setting up a stable, normal life with Ian. It put strains and demands on them that at the time, Ian wasn’t ready for at all and so he did what he did to try and take care of himself. That really was an OK choice to have made, no matter how shitty it felt at the time and since.

But equally, Ian didn’t have that excuse anymore. He was stable and his moods were better, his life was balanced. He had nothing to be scared of in himself and he owed Mickey a proper explanation. Even if it was late. What Mickey did with that was up to him. If he told Ian to fuck off and never contact him again? Well it would suck but that would be his choice and Ian would respect it. If he told him he hated him? Ian swallowed and clenched his jaw, stopping so suddenly the guy behind bumped into him and staggered past with a dirty look.

If Mickey actually said the words ‘I hate you’ then Ian would just have to deal with that.

*

Ian made himself a tea, poured it down the sink and took a beer from the fridge instead. He changed into a t-shirt and sweatpants and leant against the kitchen counter sipping his beer and tapping his thumb against the blank screen of his phone. He was afraid. Afraid that he’d find Mickey and he’d be in a relationship. Afraid that he wouldn’t be. Afraid that he wouldn’t find him at all.

He gave himself until the beer line disappeared beneath the blue paper label and then pressed the centre button and watched as the screen lit up.

He navigated to the search bar and after one final sip of his drink, began typing.

Mickey Milkovich - nothing

Mikhailo Milkovich – Five old fat guys and one person who had a Christmas tree as their picture. Defintiely not Mickey.

Mick Milkovich – a college student, two old skinny guys, an old fat guy and a lady with cropped blonde hair.

Milkovich – over two thousand results, none of them Mickey but called one that looked suspiciously like… Mandy!

Ian peered at the phone, his face splitting into a wide grin as he looked at her. She was on a beach, wearing a bikini and flipping off the photographer and she looked so damn happy … Ian felt tears prickle behind his eyes and blinked them away impatiently. He clicked on the little envelope at the top of the screen and typed a message before he could think too much about it:

‘Hey gorgeous, long time no see!’

Within a minute the little grey tick at the side of the message turns blue and moments later he get’s her reply

‘OMG! Ian! How the fuck r u?’

‘Good. Sorry it’s been so long.’

‘U better be! South Side?’

‘North Side. U?’

‘Mexico.’

Ian swallows heavily and lets his thumb hover above the keyboard on screen. Should he ask her? Could he? Mandy was his best friend and his focus should be completely on her but …

‘M call you?’

The message pops up while he is still thinking and Ian’s heart skips a beat and he drops the phone on the floor, quickly scrabbling to pick it up.

‘nsj6644lm’

‘WTF?’

‘Sorry, dropped my phone. M hasn’t called me.’

‘O.’

‘How is he?’

‘Good. U miss him?’

‘Miss both of u’

‘Gonna fuck up again?’

‘No’

Ian could type more but it seems unnecessary. He knows Mandy will trust him based on that word alone and for that he is grateful beyond words. Ian watches the little blue tick beside his message and waits. Minutes tick by and he wonders if Mandy has gone offline but he doesn’t put his phone down, just holds it and keeps waiting.

Finally a message pops up.

‘Tamaulipas. Don’t fuck up. ILY’

Ian stares at it uncomprehendingly for a moment and then Googles it. It is a Mexican state.

‘TY. ILY2’

He types back and goes back to Google. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for exactly but something … a picture of Mickey in some tourist shots maybe ... a notice about a crime spree four years ago … a fucking mention of something related to him. Ian just needs to see something, anything really.

He searches for three hours, phones in sick to work, completes his mental health checklist and determines that this is extreme circumstances, makes a sandwich when his eyes start aching and then goes straight back to his search. He has typed every iteration of ‘Mikhailo’ and ‘Milkovich’ he can think of and nothing comes up at all. He takes a shower, goes for a run to get rid of some frustrated energy and comes back to the house just as the sun is setting over Chicago. He messages Mandy

‘Where?’

But she doesn’t respond and he doesn’t really expect her to. If Mickey is really in Tamaulipas then she is probably going to be a shit-storm of trouble with him for telling someone; but Ian has seen the siblings fight numerous times and he knows that Mandy can hold her own.

In a moment of flippant desperation, Ian types the word ‘Gallagher Mexico’ but misses the ‘H’ and accidentally types ‘Gallager Mexico’. Google comes up with the little circular searching button and Ian waits impatiently for it to finish so he can correct his mistake.

‘Did you mean ‘Galagers Mexico’?’

Ian frowns. He has only seen his name spelt that way once. He clicks on the link below the suggestion and is taken back to Facebook. Galagers is a bar in La Pesca, Tamaulipas. There is pretty much no information about it except the address and a couple of reviews. Ian reads the first one and as he does so, slowly sinks down to the floor, not bothering to stem the tears that slip down his face.

‘Cool little place on the beach. Chilled out vibe for the most part but don’t bother trying to be nice to the American staff, both pretty rude.’

Ian doesn’t need to see more. He checks on his map app and books a flight to Brownsville, Texas for the next day. He calls his boss and says that he needs to take a weeks vacation. Maria is pissed but she lets him do it as he has way too much time to use up anyway. He texts Debbie to ask her to water his plants, checks his savings account for the first time in weeks and is pleasantly surprised, finally he throws some clothes into a bag and then picks up his phone again and messages Mandy.

‘OMW’