#I was going to use this quote in the last part of the Jaiden Lives AU

[foxymc]

“I’m fully aware that I’m being manipulated but if I’m being manipulated, someone’s gotta manipulate me harder to get away from it.” -Jaiden, 4:57:17 10/07/2023

[deffinitelynobody]

I have depression and i am going to ruin everyones day

Okay, so, a couple of weeks ago I wrote about how I was having some very bad suicidal thoughts and that I was scared about how much I just wanted to do it. In that post, i said that i’ll write about why i was feeling that way and such. so here it is. (note; this how i feel about the situation, it may not be entirely true)

i dont have a job. i havent had one in almost a year and a half at this point, and only 3 months at that. my parents have let me live with them since i graduated highschool, which i am grateful for. but, my dad holds onto his dads view on things: people in the house who make money are in charge, and the people who dont are subserviant to them. so, i end up being talk to in a way that seems to amount to “shut up, i make money, you dont”. which means that he ends up using his dads parenting technique of talking to your kids when they mess up: make them feel like shit, hate themselves, and doubt their worth as a human being. (his dad is worst, and he’s openingly said that he hated how his dad talked to him) unsurprisingly, this is not a good combination. combine this with the state of politics (which my dad has a much higher tolerance for than anyone else in my family), and that two people on my mom’s side have depression (one was my uncle, who DID kill himself, the other is her), and you can see why i have been feeling like absolute shit for the last month.

“well why not get a job” your probably saying. like i said, i had one. and that was the other time in my life that i had suicidal thoughts. not only that, i almost killed myself during that time! i was walking by the road, and this giant truck was moving, and i was just....not there, like if you talked to me, i’d just kinda give very automated responses, and i was just doing the things that popped into my head, and that was one of them (I will be eternally greatful to @kaiserofphyrexia for stopping me when he saw me trying to). thankfully, i lost that job shortly after that, and man let me tell you, it is one of the scariest things ever thinking about going back. the stress of constantly fearing making even the tiniest mistake just ate at me every minute of every day i was there. combine this with the managers were just awful human beings (they expected two people to do the same amount of work as 6 people and screwed us up several times just to make more money), and yeah, i just lost all interest in everything and anything. like, NOTHING helped me feel better. i hated everything cause my life just began to center around going back to work, which made me feel horrible, and i did it so often, and my schedule was completely random each and every week that i couldn’t plan to do anything. the managers didnt like it when you tried to request a day off, and you couldn’t say that your unavailable on a day, so unless i lied and said that it was for religious purposes, i didnt have any reliable day to relax and do the things that help me feel better. so when they told me that they were letting me go (one of them didnt like me to much), i was shocked, but also so releaved. it felt like a massive weight was lifted (cliched, i know) and i felt so much better.

and then the job search to find the next one like it began. and i was so scared to go back. i almost killed myself (or at least, severely injure myself), and from what i understand they were actually pretty tame compared to some of the managers out there, and the work itself didnt bug me too much, just the amount. so i just cant get my self to go back, which is why i asked my parents to help me find a job. my mom cant help to much, so it fell to my dad, and he said “you an adult, you dont NEED help. just go do it” oh yeah, silly me, i forgot that when you turn 18, all your emotions die and you become impervious to negative emotions. how could i forget!

not to mention that, with the amount of times i forget things and mess up. I cant tell you how many times i have to retypes words cause i misspell them (the grammar issues are just the tip of the iceberg). And i keep forgeting how to spell words! for several days this week, i forgot how to spell “choice” (i kept spelling chose). I cant even tell some coins apart (pennies and quarter and thats it), i i’m supposed to adult. i cant talk to my parents about this, cause whenever i’ve talked to my dad about these things, he makes me feel even worse than before. e always demands an explaination from me for why i do somethings, but i dont always have a reason. sometimes i just feel the need to do something or something to be done a certain way for no reason. and i usually realize that i was being an asshat (mentally chastising myself like how my dad does) and feel terrible, and will want to apologize for it. but my dad doesn’t like that and makes me furious beyond words and i just close off from everyone and dont apologize and feel even worse. i have a hard time letting go of things, so this shit just festers and i feel crumby for hours. (theres also the fact that he consistantly quotes “do or do not; there is no try” to me and my brother when asks us to do things, which is why i kinda blew up at a friend when they quoted it to me)

and i just dont feel competent in any way possible, and i need to do something that i could mess up on catastrophically on that could ruin my entire life. and these feelings would be exaggerated.

i began to have these thoughts and feelings when i started thinking on my whole situation, and just....idk. i need help to get job (im still terrified to do so at all), and my dad is one of the people in my life who can help me the most, but he wont cause im an adult, and i need to get him to just help me and respect me, which requires a job, which i need help getting, and he wont help me and respect cause im an adult and [repeat agnosium]. the scariest part to me was the fact there was only to options out, and it was the first time that suicide felt like a very valid option in my life. but i cant put my family through that. again. remember when i said that i had an uncle with depression? yeah, it got him.....almost 6 years ago? that was just one of the worst times of my life, and it just fuck up my family. i dont want to put them through that again. but when i thought about how my dad would feel....i felt a sadistic joy. and that scared me. it was a true and honest to god reason to do it, and it scared me so much.

but i’ve opted for the other way i saw; telling people. inspired by the youtuber jaiden when she talked about her own problems on the matter, ive chosen to share this with my friends (you guys) and my family (whom ill send this to later tonight. ive found that im at my happiest when surrounded by friends, and so ive been really itching lately to just hangout with them. i sorta hate it when i do, cause i usually end up mooching off of them (which is just the cherry on top of this shit cake), but the pros far out way the cons. 

so yeah. it may seem like my dad is a total monster, but he actually isn’t. hes actually one of the best people in my family and im honestly happy hes my dad and that i didnt get his dad instead. he just does things that have exaggerated feelings and that i focus on WAY too much when i get like this. but they are true problems in this whole situation, so i just......yeah. i might be like one of my cousins and just not be mentally equipped to handle a job. she has aspergers/autism, and by all accounts, i am very very autistic, so it is very likely, but i havent had a professional say so or not, so i could just be jumping to conclusions. i’m still gonna try and get at least one more job before i go with that answer to explain things, but it is still a genuine possibility.

i’d like to thank anyone who read this whole fucking monster post. i hated and loved writing it, and it need to be done. the first step to recovery from this is opening up to friends and family. i know at least one person who follows me who not only will read this entire post, but will understand and be concerned, and thats what i need, is my friends and family concerned and wanting to help me.

thank you.

[miscellaneous--bones]

original: studyplants

“Wait, these are actually hella cute questions.”

— 1. Who was the last person you held hands with? uhhhh, my mom I think. 2. Are you outgoing or shy? a mix of both. 3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? well, my aunt is gonna try to come in july, i havn’t seen her sence last year. we’re also going on a camping trip with friends in august 4. Are you easy to get along with? I think so. 5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? I can’t get drunk yet, but probably. 6. What kind of people are you attracted to? I dunno. 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? probably. 8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? uh, my mom or my best friend. 9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? not really. 10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? either myself or my friend i dunno. 11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? I don’t regularly text or call ppl, i don’t have my own phone yet. 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? uhhh, not in any order but 1) bust your kneecaps 2) My way 3) this is home 4) lemon boy 5) saturn 13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? meh. 14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? yes. 15. What good thing happened this summer? we whent on the first yearly camping trip. 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? uh, yeah, shes my mom. 17. Do you think there is life on other planets? its a posibility.

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? no.

19. Do you like bubble baths? no. 20. Do you like your neighbors? i don’t know them. 21. What are you bad habits? hm. i flick my nails on the table for no reason. 22. Where would you like to travel? I wanna go stay a night or two at my partner’s cuz he stayed with us for a few nights. 23. Do you have trust issues? no. 24. Favorite part of your daily routine? recess. 25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? i dunno. 26. What do you do when you wake up? either go back to bed or go online for an hour. 27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? no. 28. Who are you most comfortable around? i dunno, my parents and brother. oo or my pets. 29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no, i havn’t talked to him sence I moved. 30. Do you ever want to get married? yes. 31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? yes. 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none. 33. Spell your name with your chin. esmnjik,gb 34. Do you play sports? What sports? no. 35. Would you rather live without TV or music? TV. 36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? no. 37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing, they’re called awkward silences for a reason. 38. Describe your dream girl/guy? I don’t have one. 39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? walmarts. 40. What do you want to do after high school? i dunno, chill before i go to college and probably try to get a job.  41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? yes. 42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? i’m normally extremley quiet it just means i have nothing to say at that moment. 43. Do you smile at strangers? yes. 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? outer space. 45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? i dunno. 46. What are you paranoid about? ..dunno. 47. Have you ever been high? no. 48. Have you ever been drunk? no. 49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? ...yes. 50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? purplish brown. 51. Ever wished you were someone else? no. 52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? ...I wish i was more motivated about certain things. 53. Favourite makeup brand? i don’t wear makeup. 54. Favourite store? walmart. 55. Favourite blog? @cj7567 they’re the sweetest person ever. 56. Favourite colour? brown. 57. Favourite food? dunno. 58. Last thing you ate? ramen, probably. 59. First thing you ate this morning? i dunno. 60. Ever won a competition? For what? uh.. can’t remember anything. 61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? no. 62. Been arrested? For what? no. 63. Ever been in love? yes, i am now. 64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? havn’t had it yet. 65. Are you hungry right now? kinda. 66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? no. 67. Facebook or Twitter? Twitter. 68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr. 69. Are you watching tv right now? its on.. 70. Names of your bestfriends? Katlyn. 71. Craving something? What? i’ve been wanting chiken wings a while. 72. What colour are your towels? mostly blue. 72. How many pillows do you sleep with? four or more. 73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? yes. 74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? a lot. 75. Favourite animal? foxes and owls. 76. What colour is your underwear? at the moment? white. 77. Chocolate or Vanilla? vanilla. 78. Favourite ice cream flavour? cookie dough. 79. What colour shirt are you wearing? purple. 80. What colour pants? blue. 81. Favourite tv show? the amazing world of gumball. 82. Favourite movie? spirit stallion of the cimaron. 83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? never watched either. 84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? ...never watched either. 85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? never watched it. 86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? either dory or uh.. i think his name is squirt? i dunno the little turtle. 87. First person you talked to today? my dad. 88. Last person you talked to today? days not totally over. 89. Name a person you hate? Jacob. 90. Name a person you love? Kyle. 91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Underverse ink. 92. In a fight with someone? no. 93. How many sweatpants do you have? uh, like, 2 pairs maybe? I usually wear jeggings. 94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? i have like, 5-6 sweaters, and 5+ hoodies. 95. Last movie you watched? STG stubby from what I remember. 96. Favourite actress? dunno. 97. Favourite actor? dunno. 98. Do you tan a lot? never have. (probably never will) 99. Have any pets? 9. a dog, 6 cats, a chinchilla, and a bunny. 100. How are you feeling? fine. 101. Do you type fast? most of the time. 102. Do you regret anything from your past? no, not really. 103. Can you spell well? sorta. 104. Do you miss anyone from your past? yes. 105. Ever been to a bonfire party? plenty, they’re amazing. 106. Ever broken someone’s heart? not that i know of. 107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes. 108. What should you be doing? sleeping. 109. Is something irritating you right now? ..no, not really.

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? no. 111. Do you have trust issues? no, this was asked before. 112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? ...my parents and my brother. the dog was there too. 113. What was your childhood nickname?e Emibug. its still used, but then again my childhood isn’t over for a few more months. 114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes, we didn’t like it. 115. Do you play the Wii? we used to. 116. Are you listening to music right now? no. 117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yeah. 118. Do you like Chinese food? yeah, some. 119. Favourite book? Warriors into the wild. 120. Are you afraid of the dark? no. 121. Are you mean? i don’t think so. 122. Is cheating ever okay? depends. 123. Can you keep white shoes clean? no. 124. Do you believe in love at first sight? sure, its never happened to me tho. 125. Do you believe in true love? yes. 126. Are you currently bored? kinda. 127. What makes you happy? a bunch of stuff. 128. Would you change your name? no. 129. What your zodiac sign? cancer. 130. Do you like subway? yes, their pizza is the best. 131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? tell him I’m taken and say that I’m sorry cuz I’d feel bad. 132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? either myself or Jaiden. (hasn’t this been asked before?) 133. Favourite lyrics right now? not sure. 134. Can you count to one million? yes but I don’t feel like it. 135. Dumbest lie you ever told? not sure. 136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? normally open. 137. How tall are you? 4′11′’ last time I checked. 138. Curly or Straight hair? both, not wavy, just a strange mix of both. mostly curley. 139. Brunette or Blonde? blonde. 140. Summer or Winter? winter. 141. Night or Day? hm. day. 142. Favourite month? july. 143. Are you a vegetarian? no. 144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? milk. 145. Tea or Coffee? tea. 146. Was today a good day? yes. 147. Mars or Snickers? neither. 148. What’s your favourite quote? either “be an anarcist, love yourself.”, “welcome to the land of dead gods and forgotten nightmares, its quiet here. some might call it... peaceful.” or “yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystory, today is a gift. thats why they call it the present.” 149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes. 150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? “only 26 cents each” ...its a magasine, i don’t have a book next to me.