#I want to write sooo bad but work’s been busy busy busy so I’ve been tired tired tired

[artnerd1123]

Ouuuuugh. Blorbos

[neuvistar]

TOO TEMPTING FOR ME TO RESIST. (tbh there is no topic or theme for this is just separate thirsts i’ve been thinkin abt for these men lawl)

— featuring ┊ dan heng, jing yuan, blade, luocha x fem!reader (all separate)

— warnings / content warnings ┊ not proofread whoops uh uhuh makeout sessions wink wink, use of she/her pronouns, hair pulling or tugging??? (luocha + blade), praising mayhaps?? (jing yuan), slight degradation (blade), vaginal fingering (danheng), oral sex (blade, fem!receiving) luocha being such a sweetheart (maybe ooc luocha? i don’t rlly know what he’s like so stay w me on this), mentions of breeding, ALSO blade is also called “ren” here cuz i think that’s his real name?? idk! luocha is a tittie lover foreal (tittie men.. ugh), use of nicknames (angel, sweetheart, etc), overall slight suggestive content || 18+ MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

— a/n ┊HONKAI STAR RAIL SMUT DEBUT FOREALSSS! except it’s kinda messy cuz this is just a brainrot n also i’m sososorry i’ll get requests done right after this, i’ve been busy so again think of this as a filler, although i did enjoy writing this tbh （＞ε＜ ）

✦ 𝐃𝐀𝐍 𝐇𝐄𝐍𝐆

“cmon pretty, tell me how much you trust me,“ dan heng pulled you closer, his right hand touching her cheek. “you’re giving me complete control over you. you’re letting me do whatever I want with you, whenever I want. how do you know I won't go too far?“ he plunged two fingers inside of her soaking wet cunt, earning a whine from her as she felt him buck his hips against her, fingering her at a slow and steady pace. fuck.. you were beautiful. dan heng wanted to do this with you for so long but yet never had the chance to ask you properly. you were just.. too tempting for him to resist. he wanted you, now. he wanted you to take him and his fingers right then and there on his lap

“hah.. i don’t mind.. just— mm.. faster please, ‘need you so bad, dan heng.”

he smiled nonchalantly, “well... I'm sorry if it gets too intimate. you asked for this, mm?.” dan heng pulled her into a deep kiss, pulling her body closer as his arm embraced her so gently while the other was working on her aching pussy, the lewd sounds of squelching could be heard as his fingers worked wonders on her sweet cunt, struggling to hold back the dirty sounds that threatened to leave her throat. that kiss soon became more passionate as his tongue explored your mouth. the taste of his lips was so addicting to you.. the sweet taste of strawberries filled your mouth. dan heng curled his slender fingers inside her as he began to bounce his leg gently, adding another digit inside. he kept the pace of his fingers up, planting a series of kisses and nibbles along her neck

she couldn’t take it. she really couldn’t. the feeling of his fingers inside of your cunt drove you crazy, you wanted more. you yearned for more. throwing her head back as she felt herself chasing her orgasm. “‘gonna cum, dan heng.. g-gonna cum!”

suddenly, he stopped the movements of his fingers, completely catching her off guard, her pussy clenching around his fingers. he slowly pulled out, cum connecting his digits to her cunt as he looked at her dead in the eye, chuckling to himself. “i love it when you cum on my fingers like that, sweetheart. it just makes me more tempted to ruin you more than i already do.”

✦ 𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐔𝐀𝐍

“goodness your body is divine... it’s like you were carved by angels,” his eyes lingered on her chest, giving her a wide grin before planting a small kiss on her neck. “maybe that’s why you’re so tempting, hm? that body of yours.. ‘can’t get enough of it. temptin’ me too much.”

he pinned her down onto the mattress, knee brushing up against her crotch which forced out a whimper out of her as he chuckled lowly. “your body.. It's so damn beautiful,” jing yuan traces circles on your bare shoulder, kissing it every now and then. “your body is like art, angel. i wang to keep looking, touching, and feeling you.. i’m sure you wouldn't mind, would you?”

“you want me sooo bad don’t you, yu?”

he chuckled before his fingers moved up from her neck then to her chin, his thumb brushing against her bottom lip. “mm.. more than anything.“ he smirked pulling her into one of those kisses that she can't help but melt into, as his hand trails down into the curve of her waist, pulling away slightly. “you’re the only one I want, my sweet angel.“ jing yuan pulls her in even closer, the intensity of his kiss rising even more. “I crave you like nothing else. I need to have you, hold you, treasure you.” she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him even closer than he already was, her hot breath landing on his neck as she licked it slowly, hearing a low moan leave his lips “fuck baby.. you’re like a drug to me, you make me weak. that’s why you’re so tempting. ‘s so hard to hold myself back when i see you.. ‘s hard to hold myself back from bending you over my desk to fill you up whole.”

his fingers ran along her thigh, lifting it up slightly as he interlocked his lips with hers, loving the feeling of her lips on his. jing yuan’s breathing becomes even more ragged, his eyes looking into hers with utter passion. “i’ll make sure you never forget tonight, ‘gonna breed you all full.. you want that, don’t you? you want a lil’ me and a lil’ you running around, sweet thing? ‘cause i’m gonna give you exactly what you want.”

✦ 𝐁𝐋𝐀𝐃𝐄

“stay still f’me.” he lifted her knees to her chest as he kept them in place, pushing her panties aside. he gazed up at her one last time, moving closer towards her with a low hum. his lips curved into a smirk, she sucked in a short sharp hiss of breath as he bit down on a spot on her thigh, kissing the other. “‘s mean.. always ‘s mean to me ren..”

“but you like it when i’m mean to you like this, right? don’t you put up at act with me. you know you enjoy it as much as i do.”

“mm.. ah! r—ren!” blade pressed his thumb against her puffy clit, giving your cunt one nice slap as her body shuddered, moaning his name before tightening her grip on his hair, pulling his face closer to her cunt. “‘always so desperate, huh? you want it so bad? fine. if that’s what you really want, i’ll give it to you, sweet thing. don’t start cryin’ that it’s t’much. because you’ll lay there and take it like the slut you are.” she whined and threw her head back as she felt his warm tongue lick her dripping slit. his tongue swirled around her clit, keeping her knees completely still.

god, he was good at this. it’s like he was a natural. licking at all the right places, circling his tongue on her folds, gazing up at her only to see she was already gazing down at him, eating her out like a mad man like there was no tomorrow. he stared at her in awe, the facial expressions she was making, the way she arched her back at how he lapped at her juices, and the way her hand on the back of his head pushed him down further on her cunt, he was absolutely losing it. all of the sudden, the pleasure she was receiving suddenly stopped as blade pulled away from her, licking his lips clean. he stared down in between her legs then right back at her, wrapping an arm around her waist as he crashed his lips against hers, letting her taste herself before pulling away from her lips slowly. “‘want more, ren..”

“then beg for it. ‘m not givin’ you anythin you want unless you beg. beg like a needy slut. maybe then i’ll give you whatever you please, cmon. lemme hear you beg for me, sweet girl.”

✦ 𝐋𝐔𝐎𝐂𝐇𝐀

“want you to do whatever you want t’me, luocha. show me what you can do to me, show me that you’re the only one who can love me like this, who can cherish me like this, show me that nobody is willing to love me like you are, nobody is willing to be as genuine with me as you are.” she ran her fingers through his long hair, massaging his scalp before tugging at it slightly, hearing the blonde’s breath hitch at that before smiling at her lovingly, “you’re really asking me to do absolutely anything i want with you?”

“please.”

“you’re doing things to me y’know that, princess?” luocha’s entire body throbbed with the immense heat present between them. she heard him sigh lowly, his lips now on hers kissing her roughly, his kisses filled with lust and heat ahe hadn’t felt in so long. she inhaled sharply, running her fingers through his soft locks, pulling on it gently once more. she kissed and sucked on his lip, yanking his hair more roughly now. he slipped his hand underneath your shirt, caressing your belly ever so gently with his palm, running his all the way up to cup your breast. a string of saliva followed his lips, pulling away from your lips. “say.. [name]?”

“mhm?”

“you said i can do whatever i want with you, right? that being said, i’m sure you wouldn’t mind if i put a little one in you right here right now, mhm? i’m sure you can handle that can’t you, princess?” her back arched at his words, body jolting at the feeling of his cold hands on her sensitive breasts, rubbing them with the tip of his fingers. “then.. go ahead. i’m not stopping you, luocha.”

“then.. have all of me.”

damn this is messed up n all over the place it’s ok it’s just thirsts guys trust stop i had no theme in mind — Maryse

[yuri-is-online]

Hi Yuri! Have you ever considered the idea of there being an alternate version of the twst boys in Yuu’s world? Since we have no clue if it’s just another planet or an entirely separate universe, it’s theoretically possible. Poor Yuu would think they are going crazy seeing a familiar face or hearing a familiar voice in another world. Perhaps it is even painful to the point Yuu tries to avoid interacting with the boy in question. - 🦐

(Also, I am well aware of how often I’ve been sharing these thoughts. If they’re annoying you or you don’t feel up to it, I don’t want you to feel pressured to respond or anything. I’m just spitballing and posting before I forget. 👉👈)

OH BOY DO I HAVE SOME THOUGHTS ON THIS!!!!! (first and foremost being that you are very much not annoying <3)

An alt version of a twst boy in Yuu's world is just so yummy. There's so much angst potential depending on what the relationship is/was. Did their boy die in some horrible accident? Is he waiting for them, anxious and terrified about where Yuu went? Does this imply that twst also has a version of Yuu somewhere out there in the world? Questions questions. I did sort of write about this idea in the tags of this yan version of the soulbound au, wherein a cursed Yuu driven insane by their curse kills their soulmate before being isekaid to Twisted Wonderland and finding a different version of him, horrified with the realization that they could kill him again... but I want to cook up some dynamics for what the dorm leaders/overblot boys could be up to in Yuu's world first sooo...

I had a hard time thinking about Riddle until I remembered he's a horse girl and cast Yuu in the role of bad boy ranch hand whose dad's got a job at the barn so they're forced to help take care of the horses and warn all the would be YA protags about the "special horse" who doesn't take orders from just anyone. Not that Riddle is the protagonist... he's more the well established rich petty bitch who looks down on the new girls and especially on you because you're never taking care of his horse in accordance with all his stupid rules. And in stereotypical horse movie fashion Riddle has a massive not so secret crush on bad boy ranch hand Yuu who just doesn't get why he keeps trying to talk to them.

There isn't much royalty left in the world, but imagine Leona as the son of some rich business magnate whose older brother got the company and left him with "nothing." Maybe Yuu works at a liquor store part time and Leona comes in to pick stuff up every once in a while. You wouldn't call him a friend, but you guys shoot the shit enough that you have a general feel for each other to the point he joins you on your breaks to keep up the talk and play chess.

I love the idea of student president council Azul. He's made for that trope. Born for it, he'd be such a terror with Jade as his VP and Floyd as well. Floyd. I can't see him really being a part of the student council but I had this idea the other day based off this instagram post I saw about this mom who sews right? Her daughter was running for class president and she made these bracelets with little shrimp on them and attached them to cards that said "Keep it shrimple! Vote for (kid's name)!" And I was struck with this vision of Yuu doing that so like. Yuu running against Azul with that campaign slogan and he's tearing his hair out over it being so popular because people like memes (the original idea had Floyd running as Yuu's vp but they both dropped out at the last minute because neither him or Yuu wanted to do the actual work lol.) I also like student council president Azul and delinquent Yuu... but that's because of Tsuredure Children ha

Kalim and Jamil are hard... but I think the same set up of rich businessman's kid and his bodyguard in training still fits. How Yuu meets them is beyond me, but if you were friends with either of them could you imagine how painful seeing the same tragedy play out in this new world would be? Jamil doomed to always be a servant and Kalim doomed to be betrayed by his best friend... that would be so painful for someone who cared deeply about either of them I could see it motivating Yuu to try and resolve things for twst Jamil and Kalim that much harder.

Ok so hear me out... Vil still wants to be an actor in your world but he doesn't have the connections to his dad and is working as a pharm tech with Yuu at your local drugstore while going to school and hunting for gigs. He mentions being interested in cosmetics and magical pharmacology in game... and he also mentions knowing nothing about his mom so like. Your world Vil ended up with his mom instead of his dad and you get to see him on the cusp of his big break as one of his number one supporters from the very start, only to get isekaid to a world where you get to see what things could have looked like. It's strange how similar and yet not both versions of Vil are...

Idia is the guy who comes in to buy snacks at your convenience store during the night shift who you start talking to when you notice him buying a game time card for something you also play. You're stupid awkward around each other at first, but it's nice to finally have someone to talk about your niche interest with once you've passed each other's sniff tests. You don't actually know him know him though... so getting sent to another world where there's another version of him makes you worried the more you learn about his backstory that maybe you should have been there for your Idia more. Is he doing ok back home? Did he think of you as a friend? You hope he isn't blaming himself for any of this...

Malleus is an old money trust fund baby whose family was absolutely royalty at some point and is still overly attached to it. He likes old buildings, cemeteries, long walks in the fog, you know all those good goth things. He's tall and socially awkward and so grateful for you, his first and best friend who he met one moonlight night he swore was a dream in his favorite abandoned building who spoke at length with him about all sorts of things he liked. So you know. More or less the same. Just without the world ending powers... I think this is another one that would be quite sad. Which version of Malleus needs Yuu more? Which one is the real one? I'd hate the idea of him being destined to always be lonely and lose the ones he loves.

As for Yuu avoiding them... I could see that. It would feel weird seeing someone you love so much only for it not to be them at all. I know that the Lovebrush Chronicles kiiiiind of deals with this??? I wish I had the patience to play through it has an appealing glasses wearing ro but it's a mobile otome :/ but still. It's a concept I promise I am totally normal about.

[nadvs]

Hiii love, how are you?? I usually don't send asks to writers on Tumblr, so you're the first writer I'm sending to, yayyy 🤗 I loved loved loved the ending of the Watch and Learn, I loved the entire series. Rafe's growth throughout this series was amazing, you write him so well. Because of all your series, I continue to be a Rafe girly, I thought Cam Girl was your best series but Watch and Learn took the cake and I can't wait for you to finish Both Sinners 😊

You really are an incredible writer and I'm so happy I found your blog, you're always on my most recent blogs bc I check your page sm 😅 I really almost cried when reading the last chapter because I thought back to how Rafe and reader were in the beginning and how they are now in the end 😪 They're literally couple goals, I'm obsessed. Oh gosh, I've already made this so long but while I was reading the last chapter, I couldn't help but think back to the girl Rafe hooked up with and how he had the audacity to msg reader after. If it's not an issue, can you feed my fantasies and write a small blurb on reader getting revenge on Rafe and making him sooo jealous for doing that, I'm petty like that🤣 If you can't, it's no worries but thank you for continuing to be an incredible writer and such a sweetheart and for reading the excessively long msg 🥲 Much love hun🩷 Byeee👋

HI HONEY i’m good tysm, how are you!! you are so so so sweet 😭 i feel honored to be the first writer you’re sending an ask to 🥹 thank you for reading my work and sending such a kind message!! hehe my fav part of writing the last chapter of watch and learn was def sprinkling references to all the things they’ve been through since they met and the memories they made 🤭 i am so glad that you loved it 💘

i LOVE this prompt and absolutely can feed into the pettiness hehe 😌

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

It was bad enough hearing Rafe make a girl moan through your shared wall. It was ten times worse when Rafe texted you “his bad” for the noise.

Followed by an lol. What a douche.

If he’s trying to make you jealous, two can play at that game.

You go to an on-campus bar with friends the following Friday night when you bump into a guy you recognize from one of your lectures. Once you realize he’s hitting on you, his eyes trailing down your cleavage, you feel the exciting twist of arousal deep in your stomach.

You invite him to your dorm. He seems shocked you’re giving him a chance. It makes him even cuter.

Rafe just got home from a night at the frat house when he hears you laughing in the hallway. He figures you’re with a friend or on the phone. Until he hears a male voice under your giggles.

He hears the door shut. Then music. Then… damn it. You’re moaning.

He’d be turned on by the sounds you’re making if it wasn’t for the fact that another man was coaxing them out of you.

You’re on the other side of the wall, body buzzing while he uses his mouth on you. He needs some coaching, but he’s definitely skilled.

You’re exaggerating your moans a little bit, unsure if Rafe can hear. When you hear thudding on the wall, you know he can.

Rafe’s fist is burning as he knocks on the wall, trying to get you to quiet down. He wants to say he’s just annoyed that you’re being loud this late at night, especially after you’re so self-righteous about quiet hours, but he knows jealousy when he feels it.

And this is jealousy.

When you get on top, your moans aren’t as exaggerated anymore. You feel genuine bliss as you ride him, controlling the pace, feeling his hands on your hips.

He’s not a talker at all, so you can’t help but think of the things Rafe says during sex.

Suddenly, the knocking is on your door instead of your wall. You meet your classmate’s eyes and laugh with him, taking a pillow and covering your body with it as you answer the door.

Rafe is standing in the hallway, jaw tight.

“Check your phone,” he says. “I’ve been texting you.”

“I’m… kinda busy,” you laugh.

“Yeah, I can hear,” Rafe mutters. “I think everyone on our floor can.”

“Don’t be jealous,” you tease, hoping he gives it away that he is. When he looks away with a scowl, you’re pretty sure he is.

Rafe can’t take it anymore. He tilts his chin forward, straightening up as much as he can.

“She moans louder when she’s with me!” he half-shouts into your room.

“Rafe,” you scold, nudging his arm. He smirks at you and you shut the door, shaking your head.

After your classmate leaves, you check your phone to see the texts Rafe was talking about.

Rafe: happy for u that ur getting some but chill

Rafe: he cant be THAT good

Rafe: you know i can fuck you better

Rafe: CHILL ur so loud

You laugh at the texts. He definitely can fuck you better. But he doesn’t need to know that.

[littlestarbigsky]

finally finished my stats work for the week (ily chatgpt) soooo fic time :))

listen i reallllly love the idea of at least some of the greasers having good parents sooo two-bit and his sister get a good mom ;) also! i realize two-bit’s sister doesn’t canonically have a name but i saw someone call her molly like.. once.. so i’ve just been running with that lol

i wrote half of this when i wanted to write angst and then finished it when i was in a better mood so that’s what that’s about lol

anyways here’s the matthews family helping darry when pony gets sick :)

it was almost midnight when the sound of someone pounding on the front door jerked two-bit awake from where he had been dozing off watching cartoons. he shifted on the couch to look out the window, fully expecting to see steve or johnny needing a place to crash, hell, he wouldn’t have been shocked if a cop was standing outside the door because some socs had blamed some vandalism on him, wouldn’t be the first time. the last thing he was expecting to see was…

darry?

truth be told, it had been a while since he’d really seen darry. he saw pony at school most days, and he would swing by the dx to visit soda when he could, but since their parents died, darry had been busting his ass at all hours of the day to make ends meet, which didn’t leave much time for him to hang around with the rest of their crew.

you’d think darry was trying to break down their door with how hard he was pounding it. two-bit lazily pushed himself off the couch and hurried over to the door.

darry looked a real mess when two-bit opened the door, violet shadows stamped beneath his eyes, his hair sticking out in all directions, and he was in need of a shave and a shower.

“darry, what-”

“i’m sorry, i know i got no business comin’ here this time of night, but i-” he broke off, his breath coming in short, panicked, gasps.

“hey, you don’t gotta apologize,” two-bit grabbed his arm and ushered him into the house, out of the cool, early-spring, air. “what’s the matter? what’s got ya all worked up?”

“i need-” darry cut himself off and immediately started pacing the living room floor. “your mom… is she here? i need to talk to her…”

it was a mark of how badly darry was scaring two-bit that he didn’t crack a joke, just asked again, “darry, what’s going on?”

“it’s pony… he- he’s got a fever. i thought maybe he just needed a day to rest and get better but soda told me he’s been getting worse all day…” darry had to take a moment to gasp in another breath before continuing. “i- i don’t know what medicine to give him… he was real hot when i left, he always gets so bad when he’s sick… none of us have gotten sick since-”

“i know,” darry didn’t finish, but two-bit didn’t need him to, he knew he was about to say that none of them had gotten sick since their parents had died. he felt a lump swelling in his throat as he watched darry pace and panic across the living room floor.

“hey, dar,” he started gently. “how about you have a seat. i think mama’s still awake, i’ll go get her.”

darry nodded, squeezing his eyes shut, but he didn’t sit down, he just stood still where he was.

when two-bit came back with his mother a few minutes later, it was like watching a superhero go to work. he leaned against the doorframe that led to the hallway with the bedrooms, watching his mother envelop darry in her arms and gently guide him over to the couch. she coached him through a few deep breaths to calm him down a bit before starting to ask him what was wrong with ponyboy, how long he had been sick, what he’d been eating, if he’d been sleeping much. darry answered all of her questions quickly and succinctly, rattling off symptoms with painstaking ease.

a door creaked open behind two-bit, and he turned around to see his 12 year-old kid sister standing in her doorway. molly’s pajama shirt and shorts didn’t match, her hair was all messy from sleep, and her gray eyes seemed huge in the dim light shining in from the living room. he didn’t know what made him do it, maybe he was realizing how glad he was that he didn’t have to worry over molly like this, but without a word, he pulled her into his side.

“haven’t seen darry in forever,” molly said sleepily, her words almost slurring together.

“me neither, kiddo,” he answered, running a hand up and down molly’s arm. “he’s got a lot more to worry about now.”

“what’s he doin here then? shouldn’t he be at home sleeping?”

he had to laugh at the innocence of the question, of course darry should have been at home sleeping, he shouldn’t have to be staying up all night with a sick ponyboy, his parents should be doing that. he should be in college. he should be bringing home stories about parties and inviting his family to his football games, not losing sleep over what medicine he should be giving his little brother.

“ponyboy’s not feeling so hot,” two-bit finally answered. “darry just isn’t used to doing it all by himself.”

“so he’s askin mama?”

“yeah, she’s pretty good at gettin us better when we’re feeling lousy, right?”

“i guess so,” molly shrugged, taking a step forward, going into the kitchen and pouring herself a glass of water.

two-bit tuned back into what his mother was saying to darry.

“it doesn’t sound like anything too serious, probably just the flu. with any luck, he may already be through the worst of it,” she was saying to him, one of her hands rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

“okay…” darry’s voice was thick with unshed tears, the tension between him and the dam breaking almost palpable. “what- what should i give him to help?”

“maybe some aspirin for the pain-”

“no,” darry practically shouted, so fast he knew he had sounded rude. “sorry, i caught pony takin’ too many aspirins last week, i don’t wanna be givin him that stuff…”

“that’s okay, honey,” she answered, ever patient. “how about some tylenol? that will help with the fever and won’t have aspirin in it. for his stomach, pepto bismol is probably best. and if he starts getting those bodyaches again, the tylenol should help but ibuprofen works, too, it’s an anti-inflammatory. do you guys have all that?”

“i-” darry looked at her with an expression that was so helpless and exhausted and scared. he had no idea if that had any of that stuff, let alone which did what and how much he should be giving his brother. the thought alone was so overwhelming. he felt his eyes glass over just thinking of having to wake pony up to persuade him to take the cocktail of medicine.

she reached up and ran a hand through his hair and over his cheek, “it’s okay, sweetheart, you can borrow what we’ve got. use as much as you need, you can give it back when pony’s feeling better.”

darry took a second before he opened his mouth to stutter out, “h-how much…”

“i’ll write it all down for you,” she answered, patting him on the knee as she stood up and headed towards the bathroxcom. darry’s head fell into his hands, breathing deeply and clearly doing everything he could to keep it together.

he only looked up when molly came over from the kitchen and nudged his shoulder, “shouldn’t you be in bed, little lady?”

molly just shrugged, sitting down on the floor in front of the couch, “kinda hard when you’re bangin’ on the door so loud.”

darry chuckled wetly, “sorry about that, kiddo, i’ll just break in through two-bit’s window next time.”

molly’s eyes widened, “don’t do that! he’ll scream like a little girl!”

darry laughed again. two-bit leaned his head against the threshold and crossed his arms across his chest, watching his sister break down darry’s carefully structured walls without even trying.

“i brought you this,” she held up something in a white wrapper. “it’s a popsicle, mama always tells us that there’s no trouble out there that a popsicle can’t help. might not fix it, but it sure can’t hurt.”

“thanks, molly, but i don’t think it’s a good idea,” darry sighed. “pony’s stomach is bothering him, i don’t wanna make it worse.”

“it’s not for ponyboy, it’s for you,” she crinkled the paper and held it closer to him to grab. “it’s strawberryyyyyy.”

darry let out a laugh, a true laugh, and took the popsicle from molly. two-bit pushed himself off the doorframe and grabbed two more popsicles from the freezer before handing one to molly and sitting down next to her on the floor.

their mother came back from the bathroom with the medicine in a bag for darry, stopping dead when she saw molly with him.

“what do you think you’re doing, little miss?” she asked, and molly whipped around. “it’s almost midnight what are you doing with a popsicle?”

molly pressed her red stained lips together and pointed at two-bit, “he gave it to me.”

two-bit pointed at molly, “she gave one to darry.”

their mother’s eyes jumped up to darry on the couch, his half finished popsicle still in his mouth. he shrugged and pulled it out of his mouth, pushing himself off the couch, “is that the medicine?”

“yep, this should be everything,” she smiled, her attention fully back on darry. “i wrote down all of the dosages and what should help with what, but if you need anything else, i wrote down our phone number.”

darry grinned sheepishly, “i know your phone number…”

“well then, you should have no trouble letting us know if things get worse,” she handed him the medicine and grabbed his face, forcing him to look her in the eyes. “because you are too damn young to have to do all this by yourself. pride has no place where help is being offered, darry.”

darry leaned into the touch. god, when was the last time someone had given the poor kid a hug?

“let us know when the kid’s doing better, steve and i will bring over some snacks,” two-bit said, standing up from the floor, ruffling molly’s hair as he got up.

darry nodded wordlessly and took the bag of medicine. he walked over to the door, looking like he was about to leave before he turned around and looked right at molly, who was leaning up against two-bit’s legs.

“you were right, kid.”

molly tilted her head, but darry only smiled and held up what was left of his popsicle.

“might not fix it, but it sure can’t hurt.”

[tmwcs]

Hey! Its my first time sending an ask hehe~ I just wanted to say that you’re such an amazing writer and your series are just sooooo good!!! 😍😍😍 I started getting into your account when I came across the smau for MRE and HHP and I gotta say, you got me hooked so bad onto Heethan that I end up loving all your Hee-leads so far! I’m so invested in HHP, SE7EN, DT and now TO! I’m honestly so excited to read a new chapter everytime you post hahaha! 🤭🤭

The main reason I wanted to send you this is cuz I’ve been having super stressful and bad days these past few days and its mainly cuz its my final year in college, final semester and final week actually 😅 and there’s just like sooo many final preparations needed to be done for my big final year project (having my big presentation today! soooo nervous) and its just been too much and too overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother anyone with my anxiousness so I’ve been keeping it all to myself and having slight panic attacks and just started having random breakdowns as I complete my assignments. Reading your series, whether its new chapters or just rereading older ones have given me comfort, like I really felt alone but its like Heethan, Heelel and the Heebros have become my comfort characters. It’s just been so overwhelming for me and I didn’t wanna bother my family with it, I only have one other friend that I trust with my whole life but rarely see her, we’re all busy and I just felt like I’m falling behind in everything. Even though the Hee-leads might be like crazy obsessed with the reader, its like I really needed them in my life just to have someone to drop everything just to hold and comfort me anytime life becomes too much for me. I’m actually crying while writing this to you hahaha… it just feels like everyone around me is moving so fast and I’m stuck at the back picking myself up just because I feel so overwhelmed and anxious easily. Turning 20 this year is another thing that has me feeling afraid of adulthood, my mum is pressuring me into getting a job immediately once I graduate but I just feel like I’m not ready, or I’m just not ready to give up my teenage freedom and socialise professionally. Being such an introvert and shy and always thinking I’m just dumb and cant do work without help has been holding me back from wanting to grow and enjoy this new chapter in life.

So sorry for this long ass rant but i just really needed to let you know how much your stories, your Hee-leads have been keeping me going. Excited for the next chapters of your series! Hope you’re having a great day❣️

Omg so....I LOVE THIS.....this is so heartwarming and thank you for sharing it with me. Also, thank you for discovering my blog so you can write this to me, bc as you may have figured, receiving asks are just....its so nice. its a nice and wonderful surprise to hear from readers interesting in my work, wanting to know more about the characters and so forth. I am just beyond touched that heethan, heelel, and heebrows have made their way into your heart and to provide you comfort. in fact, reading your message had reminded me of a piece that i had started to draft (it was originally supposed to be a part of one of the HHP chapters but i never went through with it) but i still had it in my folders so after i finished reading your message, I decided to go back and actually finish it and format it specifically for you as y/n. I hope you like it. <3

Heeseung's Message.....

MDNI18+ content below the line.

Warnings: mentions of losing loved ones, fears and worries about the future, smut, car smut, unprotected smut, some....just some sadness....its a very heartwarming and touching piece.

"What's wrong baby?"

Noting how silent you were in the car, right after he picked you up, Heeseung rubbed your thigh, gently shifting your skirt upwards as he softly slid his hand up and down, enveloping you with warmth and comfort. "Something on your mind pretty baby?"

Placing your hand on his, you grabbed hold semi-tightly, keeping your gaze out at the window. You were hesitant at first, noting that Heeseung had a busy schedule of his own, was on his way of finishing his last year in college, aiding his professors, and of course, there was you....picking you up from classes, dropping you off every morning, taking you wherever you needed to go. You appreciated it but the man had completely devoted his time to everything else, you felt it selfish to bring any matters up to him....feeling that whatever time he did have left within the evening, he should at least have it for himself.

"It's nothing." You sighed out.

Glancing over to you, he furrowed his brows and quickly shifted the wheel, stirring the car over to a nearby parking lot on one of the campus buildings.

"What are you....?" raising up in your seat, you looked around before turning your gaze over to Heeseung, who steered the wheel with one hand and in a smooth motion, parked the car. Unbuckling his seatbelt, his gaze meets with yours before he reaches up and places his hand behind your head, softly grabbing onto your hair as he leans in and rests his forehead against yours.

"Whats wrong? Did something happen? Did someone hurt you? I wanna know. Tell me, y/n."

His eyes were wide and his expression was fierce with rage, however, before he further ventured off into a spiraling path of unhinged presumptions, you reached up and latched your fingers onto his collar, placing a dainty kiss on his lips. "Its not that....I promise nothing like that happened."

Raising his brows and tilting his head, he releases the gentle grip he had on your hair, and replaced it with a soft, petting motion. "Then why are you being so quiet? You seem upset, what is it?"

Looking down at the console for just a second, you raise your sights once more to meet his and began talking.

".....Are you ever scared about the future, Heeseung?"

His face was taken slightly aback as he raised both brows and looked at you with an intent look.

"Is that what this is about? Are you feeling overwhelmed about moving?"

Shaking your head, you looked down once more as you shyly clarified. "Nooo.....its not just that....its more..."

"Like what baby?"

"Like....after the moving.....finishing college, being in an unfamiliar country, not knowing anybody, making new friends, meeting your family, being apart from mine, learning a new language, finding a job after college, and what if I have to do more college? Or ...." pausing, you caught yourself drifting in verbal thought.

"Or....?" He draws out as he bids you to finish your statement.

"Or........what if....what if something happens and we........you know.....what if we just...."

Squinting his eyes slightly, his expression looked a little irked as he rolled his tongue in his mouth. "That's never going to happen y/n. You know that."

"Yeah but....."

"But what?" Slightly annoyed, he closed his eyes for a second, tilted his chin down, and lifted his lids to expose a rather stern and rather angry look. Yet the moment he saw that your eyes began to glisten, shining like diamonds as the tears started to build up, you looked down once more, unable to look him square in the eye as you felt the first tear break free and drip down on the leather padding of the console.

Watching as you faintly sobbed, he nearly felt his heart break into two. He gasped out a faint breath as he reached over with his other hand and cupped your face, no longer expressing a look of annoyance.

"Hey......why? What's making you think that way? Am I not showing you enough love? You know whatever it is you want, all you have to do is tell me and I'll make it happen."

"Its not that i just........there's just some things we can't predict about the future Heeseung......what if some day......what if you stop loving me......or worse.....what if something happens and I no longer have you? What if....just.......you never know.....is it wrong for me to hope for the best, but expect the worse? Because...you know that life can be so unfair some times....and I....I....I'm scared because....I dont even know....what I'm scared of sometimes. I wake up every single morning not even knowing how to live life because there's so many things that I think about....so many things that are thrown at me all at once and I just.....I feel like sometimes......I might fail......I feel like sometimes.....I will let you down.......I feel like its not the world, its me.........its me that's broken, not you or anyone else."

You gasped out tears and soft cries as you spoke straight from the heart. For the first time, Heeseung had sincerely considered if going to Korea was the best option, at least just for a second before he reminded himself of the future that he had waiting for him.....a future that would allow him to continue to keep you....safe....and with him.

Shifting his sights around on the floor bed of the car, his thumbs stroke your cheeks, wiping away the continuous flow of tears that were now coming down harder than before. Gulping down a hard swallow, he turns back to face you.

"Baby.........look at me....please look at me."

Looking up into his gaze, your eyes red, swollen, with eyelashes drenched and your face stained with wet trails of all your fears leaving their mark. With a soft smile, he calmly speaks.

"You're right.....that is tough. There's a lot that we can't control in the future....its precarious, and we're literally just pawns on the board of this silly game called life, where God and the universe are taking turns making each move. It can be cruel, unfair, and tormenting. Its something that we can either overcome with great strife and hard work."

"But what happens if we work so hard and it.....it just doesnt work out? What if everything just falls apart Heeseung?"

"We wont know unless it happens y/n......the thing about the future, as much as we want it here in the present, so we can see and view what it has in store for us, thats....just not the way it works. That's not the way we work....we're not designed to know those things. We didn't become strong because we cheated, we became strong and survived because we, as humans, learned....the hard way."

Looking into his eyes, your vision started to become blurry all over as the next set of tears built up. Smiling as he continued to wipe your tears away, he continues.

"Y/n....for thousands of years, people have fallen, lost, and suffered at the creativity of the universe. Yet we never gave up......people had an urge to survive. Which is why at times, even when the entire world was on fire, times where a soldier never comes home, a woman loses her child, or when a doctor just doesnt have a cure.....we keep moving....we get back up and learn how to walk again. I can't sit here and tell you that I know that everything is going to be great.....I dont know. But what I do know.....is this...."

Shifting his hands down to your waist, he lifts you with his core strength as his abdominal muscles flexed under his shirt. Bringing you over onto his lap, he sat you down in a princess style as he cradled you against his chest.

"No matter what happens....I'm going to be there. I'm going to be there and I'm going to help you, just like you're going to help me. I'll never let anything happen to you....and.....you never have to worry about me not loving you .....noooooooo pretty baby......that's never going to happen, not loving you would be the worst offense against Heaven and humanity. As far as if anything were to happen to me...."

The moment Heeseung touched on that part of the subject, you sobbed uncontrollably against his neck.

"Heeeeeey, come on now. Nothing's even happen, why are you acting like that's a for sure thing?" he chuckles out as he kisses your forehead. "Listen..." Taking your hand in his, he continues.

"I'm not going anywhere......I'm not. I know this because I know what is living for me......you. I will never abandon you. Even if something did happen, you know i'm always going to be with you. You know how?"

Shaking your head, he brushes your hair away from your face.

"Moments like this baby. Every time we talk, touch, feel each other, love, eat, sleep, kiss, and when I fuck your brains out...." gripping onto your waist tightly, he presses his forehead against your own once more. "All the things we do, they never leave. So.......if there is ever a time where I am not physically here......you're always going to remember how i feel..." gliding his hand from your waist, he reaches down and gently trails it upwards under your skirt, his fingers reaching into your panties.

"You're going to remember my touch..." kissing your neck, he latches his mouth onto your soft spot under your ear, and rings the tip of his tongue around in slow circular motions.

"You're going to remember my scent...." with his free hand, he reaches behind your head and gently pushes your face inward, causing your nose to become burrowed in his thatch of dark long, shaggy hair, inhaling the scent of his cool-mint cologne and his shampoo.

"You'll also remember what I taste like...." placing a soft peck on the spot he was sucking on, he tilts his head up slightly and brings your head down to kiss him.

"And best of all......pretty baby.......you're going to remember what it feels like when I fuck you......when I love you." Shifting your body to face forward, your back completely spooned by his chest and groin as you both remained seated in the drivers side, he spreads your legs open by pushing our inner thighs apart. You were so caught up with the sensual four play, you hadn't realized that he tore off your panties. Unbuttoning your blouse, exposing your breasts, he shifts you up as he levels his length to align with your slit, before proceeding to enter inside you. Feeling full of his flesh, you moaned out as the overwhelming sense of pleasure hits you........taking you away from the abysmal depths of your fears and worries.

Steadying you in a reverse cowgirl position, filing you, his cock melts inside you as he begins thrusting slow and steady, picking up the pace as your walls become more moist.

"You feel me pretty baby?"

"Y-yes!"

"Yeah? You gonna remember me forever?"

"Y-yes...yes! He-Heeseung!"

"You gonna remember what this feels like?"

"Yes!"

"What does it feel like baby? Tell me."

"F-f......fe-feels......ssss......goood......soo....soo.goood....ugh!"

"Harder or faster baby?"

"ugh! both! please both!"

Thrusting repeatedly, your body falls limp as he holds you upright, with one arm wrapped around your waist, and his other hand shifting a grip between your neck and your exposed breast, he muffles your moans and screams with his mouth as he swallows every single bit of your precious tones.

"Gonna cum for me?"

"Y-ye.....yes!...yes.......ugh! He-Heeseung!"

"Yeah? You gonna cum because you're a good girl?"

"Mmm!mmmmmm....mmmhmmm!....ugh!"

"You my good girl?"

"Y....yes!!"

"Yeah you are.......now fucking cum on me. Let me feel it."

Adding more depth to each thrust, you gasped out your screams of pleasure as he rams his cock deep inside, separating new found walls and extracting the moisture out of your body. Reaching orgasm and releasing all over his member, your thighs shake relentlessly.

"Good girl.....my turn."

Cupping your lower tummy, he pushes in and feels his thick length as it slides in and out, he found it amusing how your sensitive body could take him like this, especially feeling it inside you as he was doing right now. Jacking his member deep inside you at a rapid and hard momentum, he finally reaches his moment and with one last punctured thrust, he bucks his hips upward as he shoves you down, mashing your bodies together as he releases inside and fills your body up.

Pulling your head back as he latches his mouth on your neck yet again, suckling as your body bounces rigorously from the tenacity of his performance.

Feeling the pleasure of his tainted love, you somehow were to understand his message clearly, all due to Heeseung extracting you from your fears......which he had done before, back when Samuel sent you his email......back when you and Heeseung came together for the first time.....the start of your guys story. Just as he did back then, he helped you to understand, that the reality of what life gives, is never necessarily the ending to your story. The more he kept pumping into you, the more you were reminded of that clarity. Yea sure, you still felt scared, but knowing that if at first you dont succeed....reach happiness.....or if things just dont work out, you can and should always, try-try again. A lesson you were always reminded of, all thanks to Heethan.

Authors note: Lol, sooooooo...yeah this original draft did have some smut....and i was going to take it out but it was too crucial for me to do so. I hope you dont mind that. But, this chapter was originally drafted, back a few months ago. I had this thought in my head, since I have only taken a few college courses, and am about to start back up on it, I was feeling so dreadful and felt too nervous about doing well. I want to succeed in reaching my educational goals....but what also kind of bugged me was....will i still find time to write? I love writing, truly do. Mainly because it brings other people joy and brings out their most inner feelings. I had so much on my mind that time that i had began drafting this, but as i was writing it, i left it unfinished bc honestly, when i drafted heethan's message.....literally its like his voice was telling me what to write....i felt better. like it was a nice little reminder....realistic...very rational....and honest...but still positive and holds truth. there's a lot of things we can't control, but we should never give up. Its okay to be scared and to worry, that's natural, and that is exactly why people such as myself are here, writing these chapters and stories for you all because i know that there is such a thing called 'life' and sometimes....we just need a break from it to refresh ourselves. I know you have alot on your plate, but dont worry because everything will be more than fine. We have to pace ourselves, work hard, but also rest, and play from time to time. Eat and drink well, and finish strong. finish college, work with your mother and teach her to work with you, if you dont get the job you really want, no big deal. no matter what job you get, if its one you dont want, nothing lasts forever. just think that whatever you do now, it is only making you more marketable for the dream goal you have. I hope you continue strong because while you do have alot on your plate, you've been slaying....you've been killing it! and that's a major accomplishment in itself, last of year of college? woohoo! finish strong!

So now i should apologize for responding with the longest post ever lol. but i really hope this makes you feel better. Reading your message had reminded me of this piece and i am so glad you sent it to me because....looking at it now...and actually finishing it......this was something that was meant to be published and shared. bc it holds an important message for all of us. <3

Enjoyed this piece? Show love and treat your girl to a cup of coffee. ♥️ 

☕ Ko-fi: ko-fi.com/reinbow

[theplanetplu20]

I’ve got you

pairing(s): Larissa Weems x gn reader

summary: You have been having a hard few days but it’s larissa to the rescue :)

Warning(s): depression

word count: 1.8k

A/N: sooo i wrote this super quick at like 1am and didn’t read it over so if there are any spelling or grammar mistakes i am so sorry but i literally cannot get enough of this woman so I had to write something and if u couldn’t tell it’s been a hard couple of days lol (This is in your pov the whole time)

I stop and stare out of the window by my bed watching the rain come down outside wishing I could just sleep so I didn’t have to stay here staring at nothing. I feel like a thousand pound rocks are laying on my chest and I haven’t moved from my spot since yesterday night. I haven’t even moved to check my phone which I fear might worry Larissa if she chose to text me but I just hope she’s been busy running Nevermore to check up on me. Me and Larrisa had only started dating a few months ago and it has been everything I could ask for and more. She's incredible. We had met when I took up a new teaching position at Nevermore and eventually after a lot of pining on my end (and hers) she ended up asking me out. ME of all people i know i was shocked too for someone as elegant and beautiful to be interested in little old me, but it’s been the best couple of months of my life. Recently though i’ve been really feeling my depression, I used to have really bad depression and mental health issues although with a lot of therapy and work i’ve been in a really good place. Until a few days ago, I could feel myself slipping. I had another teacher cover my classes so that I didn’t have to get a substitute that would just worry Larissa and she already worries enough. I’m pulled out of my thoughts by a soft knocking at my door. I sigh knowing exactly who it is.

“Darling, are you in there? Can I come in?” I hear Larissa say just loud enough so I can hear her through the door. I stare at the door contemplating whether or not I should let her see me in my messy and hollow state. I want nothing more than her arms around me whispering how everything will be alright, but I don’t want her to think less of me. That’s such a silly thought I know but we’ve only been dating a few months, only ever mentioning how bad i can get but never witnessing it. As well as it’s happened before in past relationships so I just lay there half hoping she’ll go away and half hoping she’ll come in anyways. “I’m coming in.” she finally says after I say nothing for a few minutes, giving me time to protest if I really didn’t want her there before opening the door, but both of us know I need her right now. “Oh baby” is all she says when she sees my disheveled form and the very prominent dark circles under my eyes. She comes to my side and brushes the stray hairs out of my eyes that I just never bothered to move. She moves to cup my face with her hands slowly rubbing my check with her thumb. I was expecting to see disappointment or disgust in her eyes but all I can see is love and concern immediately makes my eyes well up with tears threatening to fall at any moment.

“I’m sorry” It comes out barely above a whisper though not my intention.

“Don’t be silly, my love. You have nothing to be sorry for.” she quickly pushes me up so she can get into the bed behind me pulling me back down to the rest of her chest. I turn to barry my head into her breathing in her perfume and detergent to bring me comfort. “I’ve got you now it’s okay if you're not feeling like yourself today you don’t have to pretend to be okay or do anything i’ve got you.” she runs her hands through my hair and i let my tears fall finally, having all my emotions just build up over time pushing me to my breaking point. Larissa holds me close, running a hand through my hair and down my back leaning close to press small kisses against my head. After I slowly calm down and regain my breath I look up from her chest to look into her eyes even though I know for a fact I look like a whole mess right now.

“Thank you” I say and lean up to press a hard kiss to her waiting lips hoping she can feel all my gratitude and love through it. Larissa kisses me back just as hard leaving me breathless and smiling like an idiot when I pull away.

“There’s that beautiful smile, i’ve missed it.” she says half jokingly and I rolled eyes and settled back onto her chest trying to push myself further into the tall goddess. “How about I run you a bath with lots of bubbles and some candles, how does that sound?” She says knowing I haven’t showered for the past few days i’ve been feeling like this. I’ve never been the best at taking care of myself during times like these.

“Will you join me?” I pray she’ll say yes even though it felt like a long shot.

“Of course darling, anything you need” and she really meant it. I could tell in the way she was looking at me that I could just let go and be. “I’m assuming you haven’t eaten so after we’re going down to the kitchen I'm going to make you whatever you want, love.” she promises and then pulls me in for another searing kiss. She pulls back away just to come back to peck my lips one last time before getting up. “One second I’m just going to run the bath for you, I’ll just be a minute” I really didn’t want her to leave my side but I really could use the bath so I just watched as she walked into the bathroom attached to my room. I sigh starting to feel slightly better already being in her presence. After what only felt like a few seconds Larissa is back by my side rubbing a soothing hand in circles on my back. “Okay love, i’m going to pick you up now is that alright?” I wasn’t really expecting that but now it’s all I want so I quickly nod my head wanting to be pulled into her strong arms. She lightly pulls me up into a sitting position and presses a light kiss to lips before picking me up bridal style then walks me carefully into the bathroom. Once in the bathroom she sets me down on the counter. “Can I take off your clothes?” She knew I would never say no to her but my heart flutters every time she asks before doing anything. I love how she never wants to make me feel uncomfortable or pressured. It can get really adorable at times when she’s simply asking to hold my hand with a light blush across her face and ears.

“yes please” Feeling like I don’t even have the energy to sit up i slump against her waiting for her to pull up my shirt while she quickly takes off her jewelry. I lean back a little and raise my arms for a quick moment when she goes to take my shirt off. She smiles at me after and goes in for another kiss. Larissa is surprisingly clingy or just very affectionate while it’s just the two of us. It makes me want to get on one knee and just marry her already but alas it’s far too soon for that. She lifts me up to quickly pull my sweats and underwear down my legs before setting me back down on the counter yanking them the rest of the way down. I shiver being a little cold naked against the cold marble countertops but Larissa is quick to undress herself and lower us into the tub with me leaning back against her chest. Her hands roam my body but in no way sexual just wanting to provide a little comfort. A small sigh escapes my lips as she starts to massage my shoulders. We sit in the tub for about an hour before my stomach starts making grumbling noises reminding Larissa I still haven’t eaten today and probably yesterday too. She makes quick work of washing my hair and body making sure to leave kisses wherever she could. After she pulls the plug on the tub she pulls me up and into a fluffy towel drying me off. I gaze into her eyes quietly while she starts to do my skin care routine.

“You remember my skin care routine?” I ask chuckling lightly not thinking she would ever have paid attention to it while I have either gotten ready for the day or night with her.

“I mean it’s fairly simple and I don’t know I guess I just like knowing things about you even if it’s as silly as your skin care routine” my eyes start involuntarily filling up with tears at just how much love we have. I quickly pull her down slightly by the neck, needing her lips against mine after her sweet words.

“You are a marvel Larissa Weems” I say as I pull away to rest my forehead against hers. she blushes fiercely and I giggle. She always looks absolutely beautiful red faced and embarrassed whenever i compliment her. She leans back into my lips and I’m just enjoying being here after feeling so horrible the past few days. That’s when my stomach thinks it’s a great time to start making noises again causing us to break apart laughing.

“Okay, okay I think it’s definitely time for food. Your stomach is basically yelling at me at this point” I laugh and shake my head at her and she brings me into the bedroom again so I can get dressed. After I throw on a quick comfy outfit I return to Larissa’s warm embrace missing being in her arms already. She pulls me in tight and we sway a little and she hums a song she’s been obsessed with recently. “Are you feeling at least a little better now darling?” she asks, sounding hopeful.

“i’m feeling so much better thank you honey” I mumble into her loud enough so that she can still hear.

“Good, don’t be afraid to come get me or text me when you're feeling like this, you know i’ll be here for you.” She says her lips pressed against my forehead for a kiss lingering for a while.

“I don’t wanna bother you, you're a very busy woman” She chuckles a little knowing I'm just teasing her a little for being a lowkey (highkey) workaholic.

“I’d drop anything for you, you know that” she says, pulling away just enough to look me in the eyes to make sure I know she’s being genuine.

“I know but you shouldn’t have to” I say looking down a bit. She lifts her hand to my face lightly lifting it to look back into her captivating eyes.

“I want to, Okay?” she says prompting you to say okay back

“okayyy” I say, dragging out the end hoping to maybe hear her beautiful laughter again, it alway makes my days brighter. And as I had hoped she laughs lightly at my stupid jokes pulling me back into her.

“Ready to get food?” She says still holding me close.

“Oh fuck yeah I’m starving”

[celestie0]

hi, love! how are you today? are you doing well? is work treating you good?

i hope you are doing well! flowers 💐 for my favourite girlie ✨

also have you got any tips for new writers? like i’ve been tryna write this fanfic but i cannot really understand how to keep it flowing without forcing it out, and i’m hoping you can help us out. its absolutely fine if you’re busy or cannot for any reason. no pressure truly🥹

🫶💌

hellooo i’m doing well thank you 🥺💕 work is well i just got home, its rainy where i live so i made some hot cocoa and im just in bed now. i hope you’re feeling better i know you said you were sick <3 🌤️🌤️ some sunshine for you!

ohhh to be asked for writers tips is so flattering! i tried to think of my top few, and i have them below the read line :”) hope they help in some way and if you do end up posting your works don’t hesitate to tag me i would love to read them <3

my writing tips ₊˚⊹ ᰔ

dialogue. this one is toughhh bc i feel like a lot can ride on dialogue. my biggest tip for dialogue would be to just write all of your dialogue for a scene completely stripped down. none of the “he says” & “she says” or action verbs inbetween, just write it all out like it was a simple text convo w quotation marks. that way the words will sound realistic because you’re only picturing a convo in your head, rather than also trying to juggle all the descriptive prose. after you’ve got the dialogue, then you can go back in to fluff things up. if it’s meant to be comedic or a fast-paced argument, i think keeping it relatively stripped down is the way to go, but if it’s something intense or suspenseful then fluffing it up may be the better choice. also, i find dialogue becomes easier the more you write for a specific character, so if it’s not flowing right away, don’t worry!! their words will find you eventually once you get to know the character better :)

on choosing conflicts. this can be harddd because sometimes you just want the story to exist in happy land haha. but just like you said so beautifully in the sweet kickoff ch8 review you gave me, characters won’t always act perfect, but i think a great way to make conflict seem realistic is for them to act in character but with flaws, rather than just randomly out of character with flaws. maybe make a list of what that character’s good qualities and how those qualities could also work against them, and use the latter to brainstorm realistic conflict that those qualities could put them in (ex: a character is self-sufficient, but that causes them to rely on ppl less when they need it -> they fail to reach out for help in timely manners and leads to mistakes/regrets)

pacing. the biggessstt most important thing in my opinion for writing i believe is nailing the pacing. especially for fanfiction where people may be more interested in specific niche scenes rather than all of the stuff built around it. when starting off a story, don’t be afraid to just jump straight into it! or jump straight into the dialogue and then build the scene gradually as it progresses, rather than [gigantic block of text in beginning of scene that reader must drag their eyes through] and then get to the dialogue (im sooo bad w this myself lmao i fluff things up too much). in a world where attention spans are decreasing (rip), a lot of the times less is more. make sure the pacing fits the scene (romantic -> longer paragraphs more focused on subtle details, comical -> short paragraphs w simple n relatable diction, etc)

creating characters. with fanfiction this can be easy since you already have fleshed out characters from shows/books to work off of, but a good way to characterize is to just include little details that give them personality! not only is it a way to allow the reader to resonate with the character, but also it gives other characters in the story an opportunity to notice those lil quirks and create bonds over them as well. i just picture my friends or family in my head, the things i love about them, and incorporate it (i know nothing about film photography but my friend is a film major n thats where i got the idea for mc in kickoff)

for tone and mood. i think to get words flowing for different scenes, it can be really useful to get into the environment of those scenes while you’re writing, such as listening to a song that fits the vibe of the scene prior to/during writing (i blasted tgif by katy perry while writing the party scenes in ch6 of kickoff lol), or if its a scene at night, write it w the lights off, or watch a youtube vid w scenery that matches. may sound silly, but it could help! if i write something angsty in a really bright sunshine environment it’s hard for me to get the words

read more. this is sort of a miscellaneous one but a good way to subconsciously get better at writing is to just read more! your brain kinda learns how to write on its own when you read. also, when i’m reading, if i see words i really like i jot them down in my notes app so i have my own lil vocabulary of words that i know i would like to use in my writing

on writing insecurities. be proud of your writing!! your first draft does NOT have to be perfect. some days the words will flow, but on some they won’t, and that’s okay. don’t get too into your head about “i wonder what readers will think of this plot point or this character action” etc, i think having faith in your own process but also in your readers will bring you a lot of peace as you write :) create what you want to create and the rest will follow!! when i first started posting kickoff i was overthinking sooo many things that ended up being received just fine by readers in the end, so just stick to your plan 🫶🏼💕

use chatgpt. looool ai can be useful in writing too! i usually only use it after i'm completed with a draft, and i just plug select paragraphs into it to see if it can come up with some better words for me to use. it's also useful to come up with logistical details for aspects of your stories for world-building etc (no clue anything ab professional collegiate soccer games i've never been to one but i used chatgpt to come up with the scenes)

woooow i wrote way more than i thought i would haha but i hope this helps!! ive never given tips before so idk if these only make sense to me 💀 but hopefully they can be applied to what you’re looking to write as well :)

[lokissweater]

Guess who’s back again after reading mlb Megumi 4 🫶😍😍😍

It’s 🦋 back to yap your ear off about how ABSOLUTELY AMAZING YOU ARE. I’ve tried and I think it’s impossible to encapsulate in mere words how amazing your writing is and how absolutely incredible YOU are nicole <333

Never a bad thing to say about you because the way the words flow if your works never fail to make me feel do engrossed in your stories and able to empathise as much as I do with all the characters. And I thought I was upset when Hana was trying to snatch away Megumi from our grasp but my god I was left BAWLING with how absolutely sweet and kind our hubby was at the end with the promise ring. The fluff just gets to me man I don’t know what to tell you.

Yes, this IS like the fifth ask I’ve sent because I never shut up but I always feel the need to sing your high praises because you deserve nothing less!

And never apologise for being busy, you clearly but so much effort into your works and I have no doubt you do the same outside of it. Just remember to take care of yourself, and drink water and eat and sleep and all that good stuff! It was also nice to get to read it on a Saturday knowing I had things to do but they can SO wait for me to read the fic and there are never any regrets.

And now I have homework to do and exam pieces & studies to practice on my cello, because I’ve been putting it off…

-🦋

(Even though I put it earlier… don’t mind that)

I LOOOOVEEEE YOUUUU 🦋🦋🦋 SO SO SO MICH OH MY GOD i saw and read your other asks too as well i CAAAANNNOOOTTTT I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU THAAANKKK YOUUUU 😭😭💕💕💕💕

i am actually rolling on the floor with how much i appreciate you and everything you send in PLEEAASSEEE do not EVER apologize for yapping or ANYTHING I LOVE IT SOOO MUCHHH MESSAGES LIKE YOURS ARE MY ABSOLUTE FAAAVOORITEEE !! AND YOU ARE MY FAVORITE !!!!

thank you so much for taking the time to read the new gumi fic and that you loved itttt EVEN THO U HAD THINGS TO DO WHATTT PLS DO THOSE FIRSTTT !!!! 🥹🥹💕💕💕 AND I KNOW RIGHT WANTED TO ACTUALLY BASH MY HEAD AGAINST THE WALL WITH HANA BUT GUMI LOVES US TOO MUCH HE DONT GIVE AAAAFFFFFF 😻😻🫶🫶

i still am OBSESSED that you play cello my brain is already concocting that wonderful idea you plotted into my head honey HEHEHEHE !!! I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST OF LUCK WITH YOUR EXAM PIECES AND STUDYING !! PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES!!

please remember to be kind to yourself and take care of yourself as well okay !!!!

I LOOVEEE YOUU CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN IN MY INBOX !! <33333 💕💕💕💕

[btsqualityy]

TW: ED/ lost loved ones.

hi my love. my life has been so hectic & i’ve went through sooo much shit in the past few months, good & bad. i lost my grandma, bought a car, working non stop, & im changing a few lifestyle habits to cater to my health since i lost a shit ton of weight due to stress & my ED flare ups 🙏🏾 but i just wanted to let u know that i love you 🤎 i’ve been in a creative rut when it comes to my makeup, i used to do a makeup look everytime i had a day off, but now i just rest on those days whenever i can. i learned that being patient with myself, & not rushing the process helps me come up with my best work & i feel like my most authentic self. (no shade to anon at all!!) but i noticed the ask “did you give up” & it prompted me to send this, bc one of my followers asked me the other day on insta if i “gave up on makeup,” & i told her i didn’t give up, but life just be life-ing 😭 so in a general sense, sometimes you can love what you do so much, you end up having to take lil breaks here & there in order to give it your all. & sometimes, you don’t even mean to take a break but LIFE be LIFE- ING 😂😂😂 i don’t wanna make it seem like im speaking for you at all! just thought that any other creator who may be just as busy as we are could see this & relate 🫶🏾 p.s. “love a black woman from infinity to infinity” HAPPY BLACK HISTORY MONTH QUEEN 🤎✨

My girl! Im sorry for your loss and I’m happy to hear that you’re prioritizing your health and happiness!

But I completely agree! I literally never meant to take as long of a break as I have and I’ve been going back and forth so much about lately. Like, I miss writing and still love it as much as I did when I started this blog and I still have so many ideas. But also, working full time and trying to maintain a life where I’m not miserable everyday and maintaining relationships with my family and friends and this guy, it’s hard to balance all that with this blog. I have so many moments where I’m like “dang, I should write something today” but I literally can’t find the energy to most times. I’ll literally open my drafts, write a sentence, and close the draft 😭🤦🏽‍♀️

This blog feels like such a part of me now and it’s been weird to not post something everyday. Like, if you’re an OG, you know the blog has NEVER been this quiet 🤣but I don’t know. I’m about to be 25 in May and life is just so different than it was when I was 19 and starting this blog. I think that’s also something that’s been bothering me, that life is different now and trying to figure out how to still make time for the things I’ve enjoyed for years

ANYWAYS, that was a lot of rambling but yeah. I love you more and thank you for always being so supportive! 🫶🏽❤️

[wonusite]

nalani 😭😭😭😭 i’ve missed u so bad i’ve been stuck working….. how have u been my lovely

i’ve been thinking BAD about seungkwan with a creampie/breeding kink wtv wtv yeah i’m sooo normal about him……

he’d go twice three times four times doesn’t matter how many bc he wants u FULL and dripping with his cum for hours after. wants to see u walk around the house with ur panties back on but he wants to see them get ruined as the day goes on…. leaking down ur thighs and he just LOVES IT

he’ll ask u to just do ur thing but he’ll watch his cum get pushed out of u when u do things like just sit down. you’ll whine about it being sticky and messy but he knows u like his eyes on u…. but no waste!! he’ll push it back into u with his fingers or keep it in with ur panties….. NALANI PLEASEEEEE ELABORATE ON THIS IM SO

- 🍊

i’ve missed you too, darling! also i know the feeling of being super busy with work and i hope you get some down time soon! i’ve been well, hoping to get some writing done today! hopefully all has been well for you too <333

ALSO STOP YOU’RE SO CRAZY OMFGGGGG

bc kwannie would just dedicate entire days to breeding you, making u wear shot skirt or dresses so he can see your soiled panties. or sometimes he makes you wear no underwear at all so he can see his cum slowly drop out of you and stain your puffy lips and thighs. ofc he has to take his leaking cock out, gather what’s left of his cum on his top before fucking it back into you. he’s so rough and needy with his thrusts, telling you how he can’t let any of his cum go to waste and how you’re such a good girl for taking it all. he stuffs you full, but it’s not enough. he keeps fucking you until your both sensitive and can’t take anymore. however he stays inside you and keeps you plugged full of his cum bc you need to be bred properly 🥵

[battleshot]

Popping this under a read more to keep negativity away from the dash look away now if you don’t want any espresso depresso — Bc I don’t tend to drag things here, aside from the generic update.

I’m probably going to sign out of discord or, turn notifications off for a while. I don’t think I am well. I thought I was past this depressive episode, but this week I got hit with a full whammy of ah, yes that’s why I feel crappy, as I did this time last year, silly me. Truthfully… each day has been worst than the last?

But tonight I have been sat here crying ( and I’m not really one to cry ) over one thing, and another thing, until I struggled to breathe. Likeeee, you know it’s bad when you don’t even want to reply on wire to your best friend because you genuinely think you’re ruining their evening when they said they were going to write and have had a super busy weekend so tonight was their chance to do that.

It’s shit.

I am here lurking, bc in the smol fragments of time I allow myself between uni work, I have been working on drafts. And I’m thankful I always have here to come back to, but as for speaking to people? I feel as though ?? Nobody wants to speak with me. ( please note I am, like you, one who hates people whining like give me attention 🥺😂 and this is not that ! ) And hey, we’re all busy. Life man, I get that more than anyone. But, I fear in my need for space to get shit done, I’ve pushed people away?

And god.

I’m probably going to delete this in five minutes but I just needed to have a ramble. Sooo close friends have my number / Facebook equivalent (also wire low key bc ic is an escape ) but I guess. Unless people message me first? I’ll be taking a step back for a while and idk taking my own advice and touching some grass 😂 god. I truly adore everyone. But my mind right now has me thinking and believing everyone and their plant pot has it out for me. Nah. This isn’t fun guys 😂

[lightlycareless]

sooo can we get a sneak peek 👀👀

Heya anon!

Was planning to do a post for that, kind of like "if I get one like I'll post a sneak peak" and then like it myself lol but you won me to that!

Anyways, here's the first page/segment of the next chapter :) I hope you enjoy it!

WARNING: spoilers for chapter 33🤭 also, some words might change. Gotta give it that last proofread if you know what I mean.

“Dear Hinata—

I hope this letter finds you well.

I’m still not used to writing that, the whole dear Hinata thing. It reminds me of those really old letters, like from the Victorian Era or something, or those during the war, when people used to be very polite and stuff, super formal even with their own friends and family! I don’t know how to describe it… I hope you get what I mean.

But yeah, reading back through my letters after I'm done writing them always makes me laugh because I think I’m being melodramatic.

In my excuse, it’s all because of those etiquette classes we were forced to take since, I don’t know, we were born? Ugh, and only because of our roles in the clan! Which I don’t mind! Really… but sometimes the elders tend to be very weird about it, and it makes me feel like they don’t deserve to be treated respectfully at all! I know that you, more than anyone else, would understand what I mean.

Ah, well, I’m not writing to you to complain about my preferences, I’m doing so because… there’s no other way to put it: I miss you.

It’s been a while since I heard anything from you, or at all. And I’m not writing either to complain about that! I don’t want you to feel guilty, if you ever get time to read my letters, for not responding because I know for a fact you’re very busy with work. 

Last thing I heard was that the crisis was getting worse. It was already bad during my last mission, so I can only imagine how it is now.

Either way, even when I understand why you can’t respond, it’s still… painful to not hear anything from you. I wish I could at least get one letter from you, a call, even a smoke signal for god’s sake, I don’t care, just to let me know how you, Ren, dad, and everyone else is doing.

I hope Satoru isn’t bothering you too much, Sumire too. I know very well how annoying they can be on their own, so I feel even worse knowing that I can’t help you ease the burden of their antics ^^; hang on, Hinata!!

As for me, life here has been… ok, to say the least. The life of a married woman is surprisingly boring, but I think that’s mainly because there’s so many new things I now have to take care of that I ever thought of before! Mom and dad sure made it seem so fun… or that’s what they wanted us to think? 

Anyways, now that I’ve experienced a bit of the “married life” I now feel confident to tell you that you did the right thing in not marrying Satoru. Being a wife is boring, you’re expected to keep most of the time in the house, tending to it and its inhabitants… So yeah, definitely boring. Although I think Satoru could’ve managed to also make it irritating. 

But yeah, being a sorcerer is much more exciting, totally.

That kind of makes my life sound terrible, right? Like I’m locked or something. Please, don’t worry. I’m ok, busy, but ok. Just missing you, and Ren. 

I hope dad is ok too. He worries me the most. I… hope he hasn’t taken up on drinking again. You know how bad he gets when he spirals… please take care of him if you can.

From there, I don’t really have anything new to say. My ladies, Mariya, Haruko and Hitomi, have been quite calm nowadays, and that’s a bit eerie if you ask me! Anyways, I hope you can meet them one day. Or Mai and Maki, I think you’d find them adorably funny too! And mischievous. They kind of remind me of us when we were younger. Oh, but they’re definitely way nicer, we used to be our parent’s nightmare, remember?

But all in due time, I suppose.

Well… I guess the main point of this letter is to tell you that I miss you, very, very much. That I hope you’re ok and… don’t worry about me. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I’ll be here.

Take care, and give everyone a big hug from my part.

Yours truly, Y/N.

P.S. Don’t let Satoru get the idea that just because I’m not there, my things are his. They’re not. And please, please, please don’t let him delete my save files. I do intend on playing them again when possible”

[waywardstation]

Thank you for the well wishes! My cold has gotten much better by now and I started to play again. Not much progressing the story but rather breeding myself a good Tynamo. I felt a bit like Emmet again. I think this time breeding is kinda weird but I’m getting used to it and just now I’ve gotten the Tynamo I wanted. (Still so happy I got a Tynamo verrry early in the game in one of these Tera Cave thingies literally the first one I approached had my firs Tynamo in it, not sure if Normal type is any good for it but I breeded myself one now)

Anyway getting sidetracked here! I’ve also read the new story and boy was it fun! Melli kinda felt like that annoying little sibling trying to bother you when you have a friend hanging out with you. Haha, I don’t even completely relate to the feeling since I was the youngest sibling, but I remember that when I was at friends houses. Each time Melli came back I was wondering what he did this time. And how annoyed Ingo gradually gets. Thanks for his Customer Service skills he kept his cool for the most part. As someone who works in retail it’s so satisfying to see characters keep their cool despite them being treated like that. It takes sooo much self control not to blow up in the customers face if they’re annoying. Also I love how far Ingo is willing to go to support Akari on her Survey. He’s the best! (Hope it doesn’t get bad consequences for that… who am I kidding there will be consequences. And there were already!)

I have to say I did NOT see the end coming until it bit me (or should I say bit Melli?) but I loved everything about it. Karma bit Melli right where it should (if not for the whole Kana business I think Karma would have been a nice nickname as well but then again it also sounds similar to that so there’s that!)

This was such a joy to read. I love the way you portrayed Melli here. He’s perfect in here. Also nice of both Akari and Ingo to leave out the details of why it bit him. Gosh I was so invested in this it’s written so well! A slow built up with a satisfying payoff! Thanks for the story I really enjoyed that one. Hope to see more of Melli in the future you really nailed him here!

Continuation of this ask, and additional regards to my newest fic, Gone Fishing

You’re welcome Anon, glad to hear you’re feeling better!! And hey, that’s how I got a tynamo too!! I randomly found an ice-tera-type tynamo super early in the game; we both got very lucky!

And in regards to your comments on Gone Fishing; thank you so much!!! I am very happy to hear you enjoyed it! ^^

Melli was definitely meant to feel like that ‘annoying’ younger sibling. He can be a handful, but he doesn’t set out to be a genuine, mean-spirited bother. He’s just more high maintenance. It’s a very good thing Ingo is so well-versed in customer service, but even he was starting to wear down a little; it’s not every day you see a shiny alpha! But if you are kind to Melli, he is kind back, which can make it easier for Ingo and Akari to initiate it. And of course, Ingo always wants to do his best to support her! (Especially if Kana is making things difficult!)

And you’re right haha, Karma would have been a great name!! I did not think of that; either way, Kana would not have appreciated how close the name was to hers!

Once again, thank you for such a thorough review and compliment, Anon. It really makes my day to hear the appreciation, and motivates me to write more! (And I do intend to write more of Melli as well! ^^) Thank you!!

[catdemontraphouse]

Bill cipher discord server mutual I am so sorry u are going to regret allowing me to participate😔😔 I’m not rly any good at writing prose lol

I have a fic in progress, it’s called “Nightmare Realm Blunt Rotation.” Yeah. It’s your classic “nobody could fix Bill so they pawn him off on Mabel” but it’s a contemporary tale set 12 years after the original show. None of the chapters are done yet lol so I just picked out random shit from some of them to share😖

Bits from the chapter where Mabel, after having been handed custody of Bill during a heated negotiations session with the Axolotl, has now recruited him to host live sales for the Mystery Shack gift shop and he eats rocks on Instagram for views

Stan’s jaw dropped, and he couldn’t maintain his inside voice anymore. “What the fuck? Mabel!”

“Just ignore it. This is my life now.”

Stan scowled at her blasé response. “You’re just letting him do whatever he wants now?! Mabel, he’s gonna use that setup to recruit freaks for his cult!”

“No, no. It’s chill. I’ve got him doing live sales on Instagram.”

As if on cue, the devil put away his cosmetics and pressed a few buttons on the phone, resuming his work. “Ok, I’m back. Remember buy two get one half off on the spheres….no, no we don’t offer that.” There was another pause as he furrowed his brow at the comments. “Honestly, Catharine Bianchi, I’m going to send a puma to tear your flesh. How many times do I gotta repeat myself? I don’t care if your an influencer, this is a business.” Another pause, this time the beast brought a gloved hand to his face in frustration. “Your entire life is a joke and you’ll never find love! Ok banned. Sorry my beautiful people.” He picked up a pyrite sphere from the table. “Very fine mineral specimen here, it’s 35. Who’s takin it?… Marlene you still here?”

Upon witnessing this spectacle, Stan made Mabel an offer. “Want me to punch him to death again?”

“No, that’s ok.”

Bits from the chapter where The Pines find out Bill has a keen sense of smell and Stan wants to use it to make money by selling shitty non FDA approved perfumes (spoilers everyone gets a rash from it, total disaster idk maybe someone will drink it and die):

“I could tell it’s him because of the smell.”

Mabel looked perplexed and slightly disgusted, so he felt the need to explain.

“See, because my kind can’t typically see so good, we’re usually blessed with a keen sense of smell to help make up for it.”

“Ohhh! Is your sense of smell like a dog, then?”

“No, maybe like… a dog with nose blindness. I can’t smell as good as most Euclideans, but I can at least smell better than a human. Y’know, it’s one of my fun genetic defects.”

“Sooo, what do I smell like?” Mabel asked eagerly.

“Ah. Kid, you’re not gonna like it.”

“I smell bad?!”

“No, not bad. It’s a nice smell. Makes me feel welcome.” He frowned. “Ya smell like human B.O. and fruit.”

“What?!” Mabel cried, as she started frantically sniffing herself. “Dude I just bathed!”

“No, no, no. All humans have some smelly human smell. That’s like, you’re base smell. As a species. It’s not just you. It’s the undertones that are unique.”

“Oh thank god!”

“And then also whatever stuff you come into contact with affects that smell too. And other flesh monsters have different smelly smells, like deer smell isn’t the same as human smell, ya know?”

“I see. You really are like a dog!!” She patted his head affectionately.

“Ugh. Not quite but… sure fine, whatever.”

“So what does Ford smell like?” Mabel questioned enthusiastically.

“He smells like comfort. Well I mean, he smells like human B.O. and books mostly, but it’s a comforting smell.”

“Aw, that’s cute!”

“Sniffing is a form of greeting in my homeworld’s culture but it can also be a sign of affection.”

“You’re so dog-coded it’s crazy!”

Bill scowled. “I’m not a dog.”

“Yes you areee~!” Mabel cooed. “So what does Grunkle Stan smell like?”

“Horrible. Like loser.”

“Ok but like give me the notes. Pretend Grunkle Stan is a perfume.”

“Oh, honey, nobody would buy that.”

“Ok, ok I’m writing this down! ‘Stan… smell!’ Ok!” She looked up at Bill expectantly.

“Just put ‘ass’ in giant bubble letters,”

“Oh, come on! He’s gotta be more complex than that!”

——————-

Bill was sat on the sofa, nursing an unplugged candle warmer, when Stanley barged in.

“Hey, jackass, I have a business proposal for you-“ He paused, a look of disgust washing across his face. “Is that a candle?!”

Bill took another sip from the large container and nodded, smiling. “It’s pretty alright. Piña colada.”

“Huh. I do like piña coladas.” Stan grunted.

“So what’s the deal Stanley? Whaddoya want?”

“I was thinkin, after you sniffed all us the other night, you ought to put that snoz to good use!” Stan pulled a little paper perfume sample from his pocket and shoved it in Bill’s unimpressed face.

“You want me to help you pick a fragrance to conceal your stench?”

“No! I think we ought to get into the fragrance business together! Think about it, they sell this crap at the counter in the mall for hundreds of dollars! Hundreds!” Stan declared, having flashbacks to all the times he got jumped by the old ladies at the department store telling him there was a sale on cologne. Did he really smell that bad?

“Haw? I don’t really get excited about money like you do, Stanley. What’s in it for me? I’ve already got a steady gig going with Starburst.” The gig being half his paycheck was cheese, might I remind you.

“Uh… Ford could model for our ads! Yeah.”

Bill squinted his unnatural human eyes in suspicion and took another glug of melted candle. “Sorry pal, you’ll have to try harder than that.”

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JANUARY 30, 1995 I’ve been so preoccupied with other things that I haven’t written much lately. Goldie called last night from Sun City. Al’s sister’s husband died, so that’s why they’re there. They’re returning to Vegas today or tomorrow, then they’ll be back in Sun City on February 25th. She wants to get together with us on the 26th or 27th. Tom and I are looking forward to that, and then on March 1st, they’ll return to MA.

I cleaned the bathroom today, then I also ended up straightening up the patio. It looks very nice.

As of now, Tom’s put in 3 phone/cable jacks. In the living room and our rooms.

I’ve come to believe that Tom doesn’t want to move into my room all that bad. As much as I’d like for him to be here, I’m still not overly anxious about it due to hating “roommates.” Everyone needs their private space and I hate bed-sharing.

He’s home now, so bye for now.

Later…

I showed Tom all I did today which he was happy with and now he’s eating.

The sex is still good and more frequent, even though he doesn’t cum. I still have two theories about that. There’s something physically wrong with him, or he’s holding back. I believe more so that he’s holding back, waiting till he’s 100% ready to make a kid (if all’s OK with me). He says, “But I’m going to,” so if he’s not fooling himself and in denial of something that may be wrong with him, then I’d say he has a plan for February to sometime in April maybe to start.

I made a drink called Bride’s Pink Punch that I got out of the cookbook. It’s pretty good. It consists of Jell-O, pineapple juice, Kool-Aid, and 7-up.

I accidentally began to record over a part of that Terry Jacks song, so I called to request it today to no avail. After two hours of not hearing it, I gave up. That’s how it is, though, when you request a song from any station. It’s 50/50.

Yesterday I did a tremendous amount of story writing. Five pages in a small font. Small print, I mean. On and off I’ll be copying that into book 88. The story begins on a few clumps of pages in 83 & 83, then goes through all of 87. After 88, I may use 89. That’s also one Marge gave me, along with 88 that I was doing sketches in.

Not much else is happening, so I’ll see ya.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 28, 1995 We’ve been quite busy and productive lately. Yesterday Tom put a phone jack in the living room and today he put one in my room.

I left Andy a message about my ear and I spoke to my mom yesterday and Tammy today. Tammy’s gonna email a few recipes. Stuff she says you’d think you slaved over all day, but that really takes only 15 minutes or so to make.

I got a surprise on Prodigy today. A message from Alex which I printed out and put in my binder with my other letters.

Last night I woke up at 2:15. I was still sort of tired, so I fell back asleep from about 5:30-7:30 this morning. I had the most explicit wet dream involving Tom ever. He was about to go down on me, then began looking around the house for sex toys. He said that in two weeks he was “secretly” gonna pick a date for us to screw to make a baby. It was rather strange.

We screwed today in real life, though. That position I mentioned before that we do in bed. I came sooo hard. My period had ended yesterday, but due to my cumming so hard I bled for a few hours today and even had a little cramping. That happens, though, and he certainly didn’t tear or rupture anything and I felt no pain or discomfort at all.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 27, 1995 In an hour we're going food shopping, so I thought I'd update now. Yesterday's appointment was good and not so good. The graft inside is pretty much healed, but my ear canal is collapsing. This is a common thing which is called osteotoma or something like that. I have to insert a small funnel-like thing in it every day to keep it open.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 26, 1995 I haven’t written in a couple of days due to being busy working on 87. I finished it yesterday and today I may begin 88.

Not much to tell right now. Today at 4:30 I have to see Dr. Nielsen.

On the night of the 24th, I woke up with my period in full force. I feel so much better. My sore tits and mood are better. This period brought two new things, but I can’t complain. Instead of spotting a day or two in advance like usual, it just came full force all at once. I also only needed two Ibuprofens, not 2000. Usually, it’s fairly heavy for 4-6 hours, but I’m still flowing heavy. The good thing about it is, though, that I have no cramps and this gives my period a chance to “catch up.” Remember, the last period was a week late and only lasted two days.

MONDAY, JANUARY 23, 1995 I just talked to Andy, his straight friend Karson (female), and his gay friend Robert. He’s never met these people, but he’s been phone pals with them for a year.

He says to try 100.7 as this station’s supposed to play music from the 60s, 70s and 80s.

Yesterday Tom and I went to Target. He got two pairs of pants and I got two word-find books and a puzzle. This puzzle has 1000 pieces. It’s of an old house set back in a wooded area with tulips and other kinds of flowers around it.

Well, there’s really not much else to tell now, other than something that Tom said that made me very happy. He said, “I probably want a kid more than you do. I just don’t bring it up too much so as not to pressure you.”

I told him he can bring it up all he wants, as this helps me to want to conquer my fears even more. I don’t want to keep running away from things that seem overwhelming and taking the easy way out, and he’s got lots of faith and confidence in me.

I also picked up birthday cards for Sandy and Jennifer.

Last night Andy called me with a girl named Cindy. At one point I began singing a few lines and he said, “Wow. Your voice seems different since the operation. It’s more stereoized.”

Well, when I first was able to wear headphones after the surgery, Tom said I sang with them on like someone hearing from both ears. Before, he said I sang like I heard from one ear. I don’t know what they mean and I don’t feel a difference when I sing, but this is just what they told me.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 21, 1995 I was just watching TV and I polished my nails.

The other day Tom and I went through the cookbook Ma sent and we got some stuff to make a couple of things. There’s this one mint chocolate shake kind of drink, though, but we have no cocoa malt. I used hot chocolate mix along with the milk and peppermint extract, but it’s kind of weird tasting. We’ll see how it tastes after I throw some vanilla ice cream in it.

Earlier, Tom and I fucked in that awesome position in bed again. Neither of us came, but it sure felt good.

At 5 PM yesterday, we went over to his parent’s house. I met Steve, his wife Carol, and her son Matthew from a previous marriage. The first thing Carol said was, “She’s gorgeous! Steven, look at her.”

Sure still is weird coming from another woman.

Anyway, they’re all very nice, and Matthew, who’s 12, showed me some of his cartoon drawings which were very good. He wants to be a cartoonist.

They live about an hour and a half away from Marla, who lives in Hayward, CA.

After I listen to music, I’ll write about this really funny and bizarre thing I saw on HBO called Taxicab Confessions.

Later…

What that show was all about was New York City cab drivers who knew they were being filmed, but their customers didn’t. There was a gay guy bragging about all his boyfriends. A transvestite and a hooker (naturally, the hooker had kids). Just about all these people used every word in the book from motherfucker to cunt. A cop, who I doubt really was a cop, that was describing the full bloody details of all the dead bodies he’s seen. A guy who beat up some guy for stealing from a dead man’s family. Five fairly hot-looking girls in their 20s. An old guy playing a fiddle and two foreign college guys discussing American women. A girl with a pierced nose, lip, tongue, eyebrow and clit.

Now here’s the most interesting one of all: I wasn’t surprised how she only was out for sex or that she seemed really ditzy, flaky, air-headed and probably on drugs. However, this very feminine lesbian who did only women (she wasn’t bi) really made me wonder. Where the hell was she and the supposedly many others like her before I met Tom?

The cab driver was definitely a butch. She claimed to be married, though. Yeah, she looked like a wife or a mother, but more so a butch. She thought the woman was hot (she was) and would’ve gone home with her if she wasn’t working. I’ll bet if I was in that cab driving this girl, she’d never have hit on me like she was hitting on that driver. However, that’s the scoop on it. Fems don’t go for other fems. They go for butches.

I finished that book last night and it was good. I may check out the library one of these days.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 20, 1995 What shall we discuss now? Well, I still have my #1 dream that I was practically born with. I want to get on with doing whatever I can possibly do with singing.

And if Tom never cums and I should get pregnant? Then I guess I’d have to say that was very meant to be after all. The same “kid signs” have been there more so in the last several years as with the “male signs.” You know how I always said it was quite obvious and that I knew I wasn’t meant to be with a woman due to getting all the wrong ones and the endless offers from guys? Well, I was right, as we all know. The same signs are there saying to have a kid and while there’s much less of them to deal with here, I still do deal with them occasionally, unlike before 1992. I wonder why I’m not pregnant yet then? Maybe it really would kill me physically and mentally, God knows that and is protecting and sparing me. Isn’t it me who always did and still does fear that?

Gotta go take my meds now. Also, I’ll probably finish the book. I may write more later if sleep’s not a blessing.

Later…

Sleep was definitely not in my cards last night and I was really pissed off. At 4:30 or so I sat up all sweaty, went crashing into the bathroom, and threw cold water all over me. Tom heard me and came out and was talking with me. I was really feeling like a failure at the time and afraid I’d never be able to do anything. He said I was trying to change too much too fast and depriving myself of sleep. He reassured me that all would be well and to sleep as long as I needed to and don’t worry about my appointment - I’ll get there fine. So, I slept till 3:30 today and I feel tremendously better, but I’ve got to be honest with you. When things like this happen I become gladder and more understanding as to why we can’t have a kid. He disagrees, but I know I could never do it.

I called and wished Lisa a happy birthday today. She’s 12.

Finally, Tammy had great news about Bill. She said he’s as clean as a whistle and has a 90% cure possibility.

I let her know their disks are on their way, too.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 19, 1995 I guess I ended up taking quite a long break, huh?

Before I get into the pros and cons of Tom moving into my room, I must say one other thing.

I’d like to have Tom move in to give me more of a sense of “normality.” He also says it’d make it easier to have sex more often and would make him feel better overall, too. He can sleep through anything, too. Lights, movement, music, and the fan. I slept fine when he slept in here after my surgery, but now that I’m better and even though people tend to move less on a waterbed, I’m still afraid I’ll be woken up more often. Like several times a night. Also, I feel that everybody needs their space and their own little private domain. If we’re fighting, the last thing I’m gonna want to do is be closer to him. We did talk about moving my stereo, card table and bookcase in there, so that’s cool. I told him he could bring up moving in this weekend at some point during the weekend, but I have a feeling he may not do so. I sometimes wonder if he’s as anxious as he says he is about moving in. Truthfully, he can take his time as far as I’m concerned. I’m not going anywhere.

Later…

Gosh, I wish I was tired! Instead, I am wide awake. I fell asleep at 3 AM last night and set the alarm for 10. I didn’t quite get out of bed till 11:15.

Tom watched me work out earlier and I did all of each exercise. How the hell I did, I don’t know. Especially when it’s been a while and I’m feeling as flabby as Jell-O.

I’m almost done with that book. Got 20 pages left.

Tomorrow morning Tom’s going grocery shopping. If he doesn’t, though, we’ll go together at night.

He’s also gonna take his parents to the racetrack, find out business license information, finish Tammy’s disk, then we’ll go meet his brother at his parent’s house in the evening.

Out in the kitchen, there’s a list of the stuff we want to do during his next two days off.

He and I both have expressed how we’re glad there’s been more sex and hope to have even more. However, I hope he doesn’t use the busy next two days as an excuse to put off sex as well as an opportunity to instill and almost force patience in me. Just like I fear he may try to do with us having a kid. He’s even admitted on his own to me that he’s got to stop making various kinds of excuses. Tom’s never proven himself to be a liar to me, but sometimes I feel he may not always be too upfront with me or himself.

The force of patience idea is an example. Meaning, he never said he was doing that, but for some reason, if I really can have a kid, I wouldn’t be surprised if it were born when I was 32-33.

Another example is Tom’s response to our talking about his cumming: “But I’m going to.”

Sure. Uh-huh. He’s said this 1-3 times a month since we met. If it wasn’t for a good part of me wanting a kid, believe me, I’d be thrilled. Less stench and mess. Great method of birth control too, cuz very rarely does one get away, so to speak.

In a way, I’m sort of glad Tom can sometimes be hard to figure out and thoroughly understand. The same with “God’s” plans and motives. It gives me something to do. You know how I love to figure out shit. Or try to, anyway. Yup, I would’ve made a great detective.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 18, 1995 Andy didn’t come over, but we chatted on the phone. We called Marla, but she wasn’t there. We chatted with Evan for a while.

I began doing something I haven’t done in years. Reading. I’m reading a book called Basic Instinct. It was a big movie a couple of years ago. I haven’t seen it yet, but I’d like to eventually. The last time I was into reading was when I was living on Oswego St. in Springfield, so we’re talking late 1987 to early 1988 was when I got sick of it.

Andy said that for the laughs of it, he took pictures of our old apartment buildings in Springfield, his old place on Belmont Ave., and my last place there on Woodside Terrace.

Later…

Up till I was in my early 20s, I couldn’t write sloppy if I tried. Now it seems I couldn’t write neatly if I tried. I know I should really work on printing more often.

I just realized something funny, yet true. When I came the last time he and I came, I asked him what it felt like. He said he didn’t feel anything. I thought most guys could feel a woman cum when he’s inside her and he’s said, “It feels really good,” in the past. He probably said that cuz I said and insisted that I couldn’t feel or see any evidence of when he said he came. He said, “Stuff did come out. I know it was on me. Maybe the KY jelly has something to do with it.”

Yeah, maybe the KY jelly did affect it. Who knows?

Yesterday I didn’t fall asleep till 4:30 or so and I set my alarm for 11 AM. At 11:45, I finally dragged myself out of bed. Hopefully tonight I can go to bed an hour earlier and get up an hour earlier. Why am I doing this? For two reasons. So I can do stuff with Tom this weekend, and in case I ever need to if there’s ever a baby. I know that that’s both a very premature and ridiculous idea when there never is going to be a baby, but oh well. A good chunk of the time, I’m still grateful there isn’t so we can have our lives.

If there’s one thing I definitely need to work on, it’s living my life for how it is now. Not for how it more than probably won’t be. I must not spend too much time preparing for the future so as not to miss out on the present. Regardless of whether or not I’m planning “accurately” in the future. No, I have no regrets about all the men (and women) whose offers of sex or relationships I turned down. In doing so, I spared myself 5,000 truckloads of misery and feelings of loss of pride and respect. Also feelings of boredom, settlement and non-fulfillment. If I had accepted what was available to me, think of all the more experience I’d have. From what Tom’s expressed, though, he’s glad I haven’t had tons of experience cuz everybody’s different. True. The only way I would’ve been a slut and loved every second of it would’ve been if reality was filled with lots of gorgeous gay fems, also wanting other fems. It’s so funny when I look back on it now and talk about it now. It’s amazing how I and my life have changed so much.

Anyway, what’s going on in current events? Japan just got rocked by a massive earthquake and there are over 3,000 people dead.

A father beat his 6-week-old son to death. Get this, though. The guy was said to have been desperate for a family and even paid a surrogate mother 30 grand to have the kid.

God’s a real winner if He’s truly “controlling” things, as I believe he is. The more fucked up you are, the more you’ll be “chosen” to have a child. Life may not be fair and we may be “too good” to qualify for having a kid, but I am forever grateful and thankful for the wonderful things I do have and the freedom to enjoy them. Yes, I truly can’t imagine my life without being able to write, sing, work on the computer, etc. and sleep during the day like I do a lot.

David and his friend came and got the motorcycle today before I got up.

I sat outside today and it was blissfully quiet. This was probably only cuz it was cool out. Did I get any color on my perfectly white face? Of course not. Plus, I was only out there to read a couple of chapters of the book I’m reading.

This weekend Tom says we may discuss us sharing this bedroom, but I don’t know, cuz I don’t know if he’s that anxious. I love the idea of him moving into my room for several reasons but I’m also like – no way! After I take a break I’ll get into the reasons why even though I’m sure I’ve probably gone through all this before.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 17, 1995 We just had awesome sex! It was a position we never did before. He laid in bed on his side and went inside me while I was on my back. The thing that’s cool about it is that I came!

Anyway, he’s now about to put together a huge poster. Remember all those animal drawings I did that he scanned into the computer? Well, he blew up one of the elephant drawings I did and it’s about 6’ wide and 6’ tall.

I finished that puzzle, even though there were 3 pieces missing. This weekend we may get more, but we’re definitely getting Tom new pants.

Later…

Tom just went to bed so I don’t have much to do right now other than write while I wait for Andy’s call. We spoke last night and he called Marla. We didn’t get to talk to her, though, cuz she was busy, but we spoke to her husband Evan. Yes, they ditched AOL, but we’re gonna call her tonight to discuss whether she’s getting Prodigy or what.

Andy also may come over. For me, he has a cactus plant, an article on Gloria, a tape of an interview she did and I believe that’s it. For him, I have that movie, the magazine with the Phase-Out and 27 NPN envelopes for him to mail. He agreed to mail them all at once as I asked him to. However, he says that he’d like to open one out of each batch I give him, then put whatever was in there into another NPN he has. He said he’s curious to see what I’d put in one of them. Well, I really wish he wouldn’t do that, as I don’t want him to see some of my stupid and silly little story drafts. Those are mine and I don’t want anyone who knows me to see them. I can’t stop him from doing whatever he’s gonna do in the privacy of his own apartment, but I sure wish there was a mailbox close by. I’ll see if he knows of any drop boxes nearby. I know that somewhere near here there is a post office with boxes you drive up to. One’s for in-state and one’s for out-of-state.

Can’t wait to show him this journal and others. I told him about the tie-dye curtains and my chat with Larry.

MONDAY, JANUARY 16, 1995 Today I took my plain curtains and dyed them purple in the washer. Then I hung them out on the line. Then I took an old small pot we never cook out of and one by one I put 8 different color dyes in it outside in the backyard. I filled each one half-full of water from the hose, then took this plastic teddy bear candy dish to splash out the dye onto the curtains. So, now I have tie-dyed curtains.

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep, so I did most of the puzzle of horses. That’s really all I’ve done since I last wrote, so I guess I’ll go work on the puzzle some more now.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 15, 1995 Some of the stuff I’m gonna mention I probably already have, but I’m just gonna make sure I’m thorough.

This whole entire house has never looked better than it does now. Just about everything in the back room is in place and organized. I recently went through all our papers and filed them in the file box. I put all the computer disks in one box and tidied up odds and ends. Yesterday we both did lots of laundry during our busy day of drilling the hole in the wall, wiring and weeding.

For the longest time, there was a thick wire strung from the living room, across the living room/kitchen doorway, through the hall, past the bathroom, and into Tom’s room. That’s all gone now as Tom has cable and a phone in his room. This will sure make vacuuming a lot easier. So far, the cable and phone are working in his room. We’re gonna fix one of the 19” TVs so I can have that in my room. Lastly, he’ll do the phones in the back room and the living room. We’ll probably end up with two phones in the living room, one in my room and one in the back room. There’s one computer line, too. He said he’s not sure yet what and how he’s gonna go about doing the audio and video wires.

I just got through to that radio station and they’re gonna play that song for me that I haven’t heard in years and have been dying to have on tape.

Yesterday we made the beds and today I went through all his clothes. He has a dresser with 4 drawers and on top, I put his underwear, socks, bathing suit, and long pants. The second drawer has his shorts and about 5 shirts.

I made a pile, as he asked me to, of clothes that looked stained or too worn out. This consists of socks, underwear, shirts and a pair of shorts. He’s gonna go through that and he can decide what to do with it.

I may or may not have mentioned this, but he went over to his parent’s house yesterday and she gave me 4 cookies she baked that she knew Tom didn’t like. They were pretty good.

She also had a gift there for us from his brother Steven and his family in CA. It was a book of 3-D images, and believe it or not, I can see them! Some of them I can see instantly. She also gave Tom a puzzle of horses.

OK, so now I think I’ve got every day before today all updated.

I called Larry today as it’s his 41st birthday and we had a good talk. We didn’t discuss it, but he got my letter about Jenny. Obviously, he understood, just like I understand where he’s coming from as far as the stuff he’s told me. He knows that other than my journals, Tom and Andy I won’t say anything we talked about to Tammy or to mom and dad. I also know that whatever I tell him is safe with him. There are 3 things I know he’s always been good at from what I could always see, regardless of if we were in contact or not. 1. He can keep a secret. 2. He’s a dependable hard worker. 3. A good father. When I told him that if we ever have a kid, I hoped to be as good of a mother as he is a father, he said, “Thank you.”

Anyway, the things me and Tammy say about him won’t get back to him and the things me and Larry say about her won’t get back to her. Despite the fact that Tammy’s been more positive towards me for the last few years, I had to laugh about some of the things Larry said about her cuz they’re so true. I’ve always felt that Tammy was a lousy mom, cuz of her moods and temper, but I’ve never told her this. It’s not my place to and it wouldn’t change things. Anyway, Larry said he wasn’t surprised that Tammy’s a lot like mom was and that he remembers her hitting one of them (probably Lisa) at his house. If I’m remembering right, the last time they saw each other was before she met Bill. Or actually, it was in 1989 for the unveiling of Nana and Pa’s gravestones. Bill was probably there with her, but Becky and Sarah weren’t born yet.

Anyway, he said that Tammy did something very bad to both of them. I’m not sure specifically what he’s talking about and I didn’t ask. When he said that even Sandy won’t forgive her and doesn’t want to talk to her, I knew they had to feel it was quite serious, heavy-duty shit. You see, Sandy’s so passive and easygoing. She’s always been a really sweet, friendly person. I can’t picture her ever going off or saying the word damn, let alone the words shit, fuck or asshole. It takes a lot for her to turn against anyone. He said he’s standing by his wife’s feelings and isn’t about to say, “Hey, this is my sister. You have to do this.” That’s cool, just like Tom and I can compromise. He won’t tell me I can’t see someone he doesn’t like and play daddy, but I’ll see that person away from here or when he’s working or asleep. He said if they do go see her it’ll be for two reasons. To make mom and dad happy, and to have something to laugh about. He respects Dad’s feelings more than Mom’s.

He says while he feels sorry that Bill’s got cancer and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, he doesn’t know the guy and knows that if he goes down there, she’s just gonna be phony and pretend to be Mother of the Year while sucking up their sympathy, saying she’s changed. I hate to say this, but yes, I can honestly see that. She’s always been such a major hypochondriac.

He said that he’s sure that if he gives her his number she’ll call every 10 minutes. Yeah, I can see that too, but only with him. This is just cuz she’s very desperate to see him and I can understand that. When he dumped me, it was like, oh well, I’m used to this and life goes on. However, it really hit her hard.

The part that cracked me up is when he said, “She could call me and I could put the phone down, get in my truck, go out and get some coffee and a donut, come back and she’ll still be there talking.”

Now, who do you suppose that reminds me of? Nervous, of course. I told him a little about him and how I called him collect from the beach, told him to hang on, listened to 7 songs and when I returned, he was still there waiting.

Anyway, it turns out that Tammy called Mom upset that she doesn’t have his number and then Ma called him about it. Larry just laid out his feelings about that and hopefully, Ma won’t bug him as I agree with what he said. You can’t make someone do something, and he still has to live his own life. I asked her not to let Tammy know that I’ve got his number so no one’s feelings get hurt when I called there to ask for the dates of Sandy’s and the kids’ birthdays. We chatted really quickly, but I’ll get into that after.

The DJ played that song for me and I, as well as others, have called requesting a song called One Tin Soldier, but he can’t find it. He says he’ll keep on looking for it. The other song I just got was Seasons in The Sun, but it’s not by Terry Jackson, it’s by Terry Jacks.

Anyway, back to my talk with Larry. He’s just taking it easy today. Everyone’s fine. I told him of our busy day yesterday and they said they added a sliding glass door and a deck off of the master bedroom, but the house needs some work. He says he has to redo the driveway. He’ll try to send me a picture of them. The weather’s 60º, but it’s damp, raw and rainy. That’s the usual January thaw they always have.

He told me a really funny joke: What do you get when you put a potato on a dick?

A dictator

I asked him where he’s getting all these jokes from and he said he hears them over the CB. He had a scanner on in there.

Anyway, that’s the bulk of our conversation, but if I remember anything else we discussed, I’ll jot it down.

I called mom and some woman answered, saying her name was Teresa. She’s obviously someone I’ve never met and she goes, “Your mom never told you anything about me?” but she knew who I was. I asked her how they met, and she said at some bar. I told her and Mom that at least she’s got a sense of humor.

Ma gave me their birthday dates and it goes like this: Larry’s August 2, Jenny’s February 4, and Sandy’s February 5.

Later…

After Tom and I screwed, and neither of us came, we had a discussion. Cuz I can only cum by him going down on me, I can somewhat relate to him. However, I told him I feel awfully guilty about his not cumming and that I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for it. He insisted there’s no one to blame and it’s his problem which he’s had before with others and that he really did cum that one time. I told him I have a mixture of feelings and questions about it. He says there is no subconscious underlying fear of having a kid, but he feels no urgency for it and that he’s got time. I had wondered if he was trying to force patience in me and I know he’s mentioned my getting pregnant in April and having it at the end of 1995 or the beginning of 1996. I still want to do whatever I can with my singing and hobbies, but I guess I figured there was no reason to wait.

Well, I may have been wrong when I swore that gay or straight I could never get a decent person and have a great relationship and about getting my foot in the door with my singing sometime in 1994, but I’ve also been right on lots of stuff. I was right when I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t meant for me to be with women as well as other stuff and I know I’m right when I say there isn’t ever gonna be a kid. Probably not even if he came in a big way every day. I know that the sooner I can accept that I’ll never have a kid, the better off I’ll be, but it’s not so easy to do. I know I can and will do it though. It’ll just take time. Just like it took time for me to accept the fact that I could never be with a woman, except for 1-niters, or the wrong types. I can’t make or force myself to get over it at the snap of my fingers, but when I think about the dark and realistic side of it, it helps. You know, all the shit you go through physically, mentally and financially.

I wonder what in the world Andy’s up to. He must really be working like crazy. It’s not too much like him, though, to not call for a few days. Also, I have the Lindsay Wagner movie I taped for him and I’m sure he’s fairly eager to see it.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 14, 1995 Between the two of us, we got a tremendous amount of work done. All by myself, I weeded the backyard. It wasn’t hard at all. I hosed down the gravel and dirt, dug the weeds loose with the shovel and pulled the weeds up by their roots. I planted a narcissus bulb that Tom got from his parents today. I don’t know if it’ll grow, though.

This morning Tom amazed me by arranging his room, sorting through stuff and getting rid of garbage. My job tomorrow will be to arrange his clothes in his dresser.

Today he made a hole in his room to the outside for the phone and cable wires. Next weekend, he’ll come from his room, through my wall, and into my room.

In a little while I’m gonna dust everything off and put stuff away, then take a shower. I desperately need to shower and wash my hair.

We did laundry today too, and aired this place out by the open window in his room and the front and back doors. The weather was nice and thank God it was peaceful out. They weren’t out next door and I’m sure they really heard the racket we made! Like I feel sorry for them after all the noise they’ve dumped on us?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 13, 1995 Another Friday the 13th! Tom’s in the shower now and soon we’re going food shopping.

He tried to fix one of the tracks on my stereo that’s been sounding a little soft and fuzzy. However, it’s an unfixable old piece of shit. He did a little bit of weeding out front and later he’ll do it out back.

Today I’m sending out letters to Bob, Kim and my parents. I probably won’t be able to get letters from Minnie again, but I have not heard too much from Kim or Bob. Kim’s very busy and Bob’s either sick, having trouble getting stamps, or is too depressed. You know how he is.

Later Tom’s gonna go up in the attic to check out how he’s gonna string those wires.

Later…

We went food shopping and Tom went to pick up my Proventil.

It’s turning out to be a really nice day out there. I wish it were a bit warmer so I could get some color.

Later…

Tom made all his decisions on what he feels is the best way to string wires through here for audio, video and cable. The phones, too.

I went through the cookbook Ma sent and highlighted some stuff that looked interesting.

Tomorrow I’m gonna call Larry for his birthday and tomorrow I’ll mail out Lisa’s card and her $10 check.

I got a lot of mail today. A 1-page letter from Alex, a 4-page letter from Kim and an 8-page letter from Bob. Yup, Bob was having trouble getting stamps till his sister sent him some.

Tom and I swapped light fixtures. They needed to be cleaned and his was nicer looking.

He moved the motorcycle down the end of the garage where there’s lots of stuff and where the car never goes in and out. The motorcycle’s David’s and he’s picking it up for a friend to have this Wednesday at about 11 AM.

This may sound confusing and funny and may not make too much sense. It’s rather complex, but that’s what this book is for, isn’t it? Lovemaking has been no problem for me. There’s no pain or pressure. I even had no problem today when I was on top.

But his verbal desire to have a kid doesn’t go with his actions (sexually). Doesn’t he know that regardless of how much he’d prefer not to cum, he’s gonna have to in order for me to get pregnant? Doesn’t he know just how slim the chances are of me getting pregnant without him cumming? His dick goes from hard to semi-hard and back and forth like that. When he’s inside me he goes fast, but only occasionally and for a few seconds. He mainly goes very slowly.

A million ideas run through my head. He always goes to the bathroom before sex. Is there some secret thing he does in there that’ll stop or decrease my chances of getting pregnant if I can in the first place? Does he really have a problem he’s in denial about? He swears it has nothing to do with me and he apologized for blaming me, saying he had been too much of a wimp to admit it was him. He says he wants us to have a kid with confidence and isn’t nervous about being a father, but could he really have an underlying subconscious fear about it that’s preventing him from cumming? It just seems unnatural to not be nervous, even if you’ve got such tolerance and patience.

Later…

Tom cooked up some bacon and now he’s working on the computer.

I typed up all the letters I got. It sure goes faster that way, rather than when I write them in.

I have almost 30 NPN envelopes to give to Andy. He had told me he opened one to see what I put in them and that he mails them off slowly one by one. I’d really prefer it if he didn’t open any and if he’d mail them all at once. I wish there were a regular mailbox close by!

Tom just came in to see what I was doing. He’s gonna make a sandwich now but asked him what I should write on these last 26 pages.

He won’t let me read his journal yet on the second computer, saying he hasn’t written enough yet. I teased him by saying I cracked his secret code, found where he’s doing it, and read how he got it off with some guy in the backseat of his car on his lunch break at work.

Later…

I wrote that I was gonna call Larry tomorrow, but I meant Sunday.

Tom went to bed and I’m just about ready to do the same. Tomorrow I’ll type letters to Bob and Alex, but I may not send them off right away. I want to wait till we get more stamps. Maybe I’ll do a letter to Kim, Tammy and my parents again, too. We’ll see.

In the meantime, I hope Andy leaves me a message, letting me know when it’ll be a good time to get together. If not, at least exchange the stuff we have for each other. If I don’t see him 2-3 days before his birthday, I’ll mail him a card. I’ve already got one for him. That crayon can and Myst journal, he’ll get as close to his birthday as possible, but his birthday isn’t until February 15th.

Kim said she was cracking up over two things I said. When I told her to keep her tits crossed for me about my ear healing. You know, instead of keeping your fingers crossed.

Bob’s letter was depressing and corny, but what else is new?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 12, 1995 Today’s been an interesting day so far. I finished the final document. Now he’ll consolidate it till he has more stuff for me to type up.

He put a couple of symbols like the degrees sign and fractions in the hotkeys.

We tried sending Marla a message, but she either ditched the service or changed her name to God knows what.

Today I got a porcelain doll named Jessie from the same people that sent me the doll that looks like Stevie when I lived next to Andy and that butch. That was a surprise cuz I ordered it several months ago, pretty sure I’d never get it as they usually want payments first. This one’s a little bigger and more realistic looking. It’s quite cute. This little girl’s kneeling down with her arm out to hold a white stuffed animal dog. The dog’s too big, though, and it’s kind of funny looking. Therefore, I stuck one of my mini koala bears in her hand. I decided while I was at it, to wash my older stuffed animals, as they’re filthy. I’m just hoping they don’t fall apart in the washer.

On top of that, the kitchen light blew out and then I almost walked into a small spider, coming down on its web over the sink.

Later…

Well, my stuffed animals made it through the washer and came out alive.

Yesterday Tom brought home this survey where you choose your reaction or feelings from most to least on certain questions. We both did it and today he’ll find out what it means in the class he’ll be going to. I made up the ones I wrote in. We guessed what each other would most likely and least likely do and then we agreed or disagreed with each other’s guesses.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 11, 1995 I’ve sure been busy doing things and thinking about things. Instead of sending Bob bits and pieces of Norah’s story, I put them in a big envelope and sent them to him. I figured it’d also be a good way to kill off some of the old 29¢ stamps. I stuck 5 on it and I hope it gets to him OK.

Today I cooked up more mashed potatoes and also some spaghetti. I did laundry, put it out on the line, did dishes and cleaned the bathroom.

I still am a bit unsure of our sex lives and about having a kid. I believe him when he says he wants to have sex more often and have a kid. However, I don’t buy it when he says he didn’t fake the two times he said he came.

Last night he made a comment saying that raising a kid is a piece of cake if you let it be.

Yeah, right! That’s pretty unrealistic-sounding to me. It wouldn’t be easy. I still desire a child, but I don’t know. It all still seems so scary and overwhelming to me. I’m flattered that Tom has faith in me, or so he says, but I still can’t lie to myself about the fact that I’ll probably never be able to get pregnant in the first place.

I know Tom prefers not to cum, but whether it’s just that, or he’s got a problem, there’s also my DES to consider, so I don’t want to go getting my hopes up, despite my fears. Plus, I have to go by logic, patterns and statistics. Remember, I’m not 18, violent, fucked up on drugs and those are the ones that seem to have the kids.

I didn’t end up a singer or with a woman so why would I end up with a baby? While Arizona and Tom are my two biggest blessings, besides my abilities, I must remain realistic and not get too hopeful and too positive, as hard as that can be at times.

Yesterday I finished the Andy document and now I only have one left. It was originally to be the Lamaris document, but there already is a Lamaris document, so it’s now Andy.

Time for some of those smashed potatoes, as Andy and I call them.

Later…

I was gonna watch TV, but what was on waiting for me? More teenage pregnant losers. No thanks. So, what else can I tell this book right now? Nothing, I guess. So, I think I’ll go begin typing the final Maria document.

Later…

I changed my bed, aired the place out, took the clothes off the line and began the Maria doc.

I tried to call KHITS, the 70s station I’ve been listening to so I could request a song, but I either get a busy signal or non-stop ringing.

What a bummer. Just when we ordered new address labels, a catalog came today with tons of awesome labels. Ours are still nice enough, anyway. The rainbow labels with both our names came today. I got the metallic jewel tone labels and he got plain metallic. The colors are green, blue, gold, pink and purple.

Once again I can’t wait till it’s hot and I can go swimming. What may suck about when I am able to swim is the fact that I’ll probably need to stuff some putty or cram something into that new ear of mine. Sounds quite comfy.

I had to make an appointment for a hearing test at the regular Cigna building. I hope those headphones they put on aren’t excruciating. They’re pretty tight and even scrunched the good ear. That appointment’s for February 9th at 2:30, then at 4:30 that same day I see Dr. Nielsen. I also must see Nielsen again this month.

I wrote some more in that Myst game journal booklet I’m doing for Andy’s birthday. I had my binder with Norah’s story, so I flipped to any old page and began mixing some really funny sentences.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 10, 1995 I am at the doctor’s office now, waiting to be vacuumed out once again.

I taped Andy’s movie last night and I left him a message telling him to let me know when he wants to pick it up. I’m also giving him some NPN envelopes as well as a magazine that sells Phase-Out.

Today I went to send Marla another message through AOL, but a message came up saying there was no such user. I don’t know if I screwed up or if she changed her name. On AOL I’m Mysterylin. Tom changed my name to Jodi S on Prodigy, so no more Jodi O!

Today I tie-dyed 4 T-shirts by myself after Tom left. They came out great. Better than the first two.

Tom put the Alabaster blinds up at the far end of the back room facing next door.

Later…

I’m back from Dr. Nielsen’s office and he’s still impressed saying it’s a true miracle. Now we’re down to having to do the peroxide every 3 days, the ointment every day, and the drops once a week. I don’t have to go back to see him till the 19th and I also have an appointment for February.

I’ve got to call Dr. Driscoll’s office tomorrow and try to reschedule a hearing test for the day of the February appointment. I’ll also call for refills on my Proventil and that’s when Tom will drop off the CAT scans.

Today I cooked us pork chops and made homemade mashed potatoes. It was boring and time-consuming, but it came out well.

MONDAY, JANUARY 9, 1995 Yesterday had to be one of the busiest days of my life. Would you believe me if I said I typed up 1 whole journal? Well, I did! I worked on it on and off for 12 hours or so.

I also edited down my 3 oldies tapes. I grouped the best songs together and cut out the stuff I didn’t want.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 8, 1995 In about 50 minutes Tom will be getting up. He works 8 hours for the next 5 days.

He left me a few video messages on the computer that was really cool.

Last night I talked to Andy again. His job’s going well and he’s doing much better. The only not-so-cool thing he mentioned that I’m not sure I wrote about, is the couple that moved in above him. He says they’re very noisy all the time. They’re possibly on crystal meth which is supposed to keep you awake. Again, I can’t say I feel sorry for him. Not after living with him and next to him and knowing how much noise of his own he produces.

Got another message yesterday from this Bernie O in L.A., wondering if we were related. Well, we’re not as far as I know.

We went to the art store yesterday and got wind chimes, T-shirts and silk flowers. We haven’t got the dye yet to tie-dye these shirts yet. We’re also gonna get wire mesh soon to begin making an arc of flowers in the living room/kitchen doorway.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 7, 1995 I forgot to mention that when we were last at the doctor’s office, they gave us a huge envelope containing my CAT scans. Tom’s gonna drop them off at one of their offices. Anyway, I looked at the CAT scans and I wonder how the hell anyone can read and make sense of them.

Earlier I spent a couple of hours sorting through papers and filing them into the file box. I have never known anyone to have so many fucking papers! I just hope he keeps up on anything I did, doesn’t re-trash areas I cleaned and straightened, throws things away that are garbage, and puts stuff that he uses back where it came from.

In the meantime, the bathroom, kitchen, living room and my room are always easy to keep up on and never get as bad as the back room.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 6, 1995 I typed this to Larry:

What I’m about to tell you may sound strange, but I believe in communication, so people understand each other better. It may piss you off, but I hope not and I’ll take my chance cuz it’s your right to know. You mentioned giving Jenny my number and I don’t know if you’ve given it to her or whether or not she said she’d call or not. Anyway, after we hung up and the idea had a chance to sink in, I thought about it and decided I don’t think it’s a wise idea for us to have any contact with each other. If I ran into her on a visit there or she called before you got this letter, fine, I can be cool about it and that’s no problem. Before I get into why let me back up. I’m the first one to admit I was a bitch who did some raunchy things, but stuff was also done to me. I’m living proof that people can change, am not the same person I used to be, and I’m sure she’s learned a lot like I have since we were last friends. She is a good person, I don’t hate her, and I wish her all the luck in the world. I hope she has a great life. My attitude for a year or so after our friendship ended and she became friends with you was that she was a traitor. Then I came to realize that everyone has a right to pick their own friends. I made a promise to myself that I would like very much to keep. You’re the only one that walked out of my life that I’ve taken back into my life. Of course, if you were to kiss me farewell again, that’s it forever. I lost you both at the most critical time of my life when I needed you the most and was going through major transitions in life. Yes, you were right, I still succeeded and did what I had to do, even though I was terrified of people, dumped them left and right figuring they’d dump me and was broke and starving, scraping pennies and on food stamps for the longest time. I guess what it basically comes down to is I feel like you feel about Tammy. She’s a good person, I wish her well, but there’s nothing to say to each other at this point. I hope you’ll understand and respect my feelings like I will about you and Tammy. I just wouldn’t know what to say. Go ahead and read this to her or show this to her if you want and that way she’s not left hanging, but truthfully, I can’t picture her wanting to talk to me either.

Later…

Well, today’s the day two years ago in 1993 when I became a dancer. An exotic one, anyhow.

Yesterday morning I couldn’t fall asleep till around 9:30 and Tom got me up at 3:30. Boy, was I tired!

Anyway, good news about my doctor’s appointment. His exact words to me were, “Jodi, I have good news for you. The skin graft is healing.”

He said he was very shocked and called it a miracle. He says it’s still wise to remain pessimistic, though, as there’s still a slight chance I’ll need another skin graft. Oh yeah? I intend to surprise him on this one. I’ve had about 18-19 operations in my life and I don’t care to make it an even 20.

As far as getting into the letter I did for Larry - well - there’s not much to really get into. Those are my true feelings. I have nothing to say to her and have no desire to be either local or long-distance friends with her. I highly doubt this will piss Larry off, but if it does - too bad. I really hope he gets this letter before she calls, even though I’m 99% sure she won’t call. What would she want to say to me as well? I’m sure our feelings are mutual (mine and Jenny’s).

At around 7:00 last night I fell asleep till 11:00. I sure didn’t expect to be able to do that, but I sure needed it. Obviously, no one came or went during those hours from next door.

I talked with Andy and then Andy with his friend Goofy on the line. Andy went to bed at 6 AM.

Tom did a little shopping yesterday. In the back room, there are two sets of double windows and a single one. The one in between the back room and the room where the dryer is doesn’t need blinds, so I’m gonna leave it bare. It has translucent contact paper on it which won’t look funny. Plus, I can easily decorate it. He got cameo rose and slate blue for the double set directly in back, but forgot blinds for the single side window which he’ll pick up today. Probably today we’ll wash the windows and put up the blinds. I can’t wait to junk the old ugly curtains that have been there for no doubt many years.

He also got a toothbrush holder and a razor holder which I installed. Lastly, clear spray paint for my wall art.

Oh, I almost forgot. There are two leaks in the roof over the back room, so he got stuff to fix it. Luckily the roof over the rest of the house is new and in good condition.

I have 6 letters going out today to my parents, Kim, Bob, Minnie and Alex.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 5, 1995 I completed and printed out Journal 32 on purple paper. Now I’ve got a total of 47 journals typed up and they all total 492 pages. I also started the Eileen document.

I got a couple more good oldies recorded, but boy was I pissed at one point! If I remember right, there’s a song called Seasons in the Sun by Terry Jackson. I tried to get it from KOOL, but they didn’t have it. I had stopped typing for a while and turned off the radio there in the back room when I decided to watch TV. When I returned to do more typing, I turned on the radio and that song was just ending. Well, at least I know they have the song, and I plan on calling sometime to make some requests.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 4, 1995 I got up late today and haven’t done too much today. I typed more of Journal 32, put away my laundry, typed in a letter I got from Bob today, watched TV, and listened to music.

Tom sure came home horny. We screwed and he went down on me as you can see by the chart (chart not in file). He got up a little while ago and he’s now playing the Myst game.

Well, the smaller silver journal from Marjorie is now my official sketchbook. I did several drawings in it throughout the night.

Later…

Boy, is tomorrow’s appointment gonna be hard waking up for! I probably won’t fall asleep till 9 AM-noon and I’ve got to get up at 3 PM.

Tom picked up some generic stamps today, as they haven’t printed the 32¢ stamps yet.

Tom’s doing the two things he does 99% of the time he’s home. The computer and the TV.

I checked over next week’s TV guide which we got today. Norah’s nowhere to be found.

Earlier I took a bath and shaved. I did my hair yesterday which is in very shitty condition. It needs a good trim and a very serious mayonnaise treatment. The treatment will have to wait until I no longer have to worry about getting water in my ear. The trim may get done this weekend.

Well, now I’m gonna go do some computer work.

MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 1995 I had a lot more notes to write last night, but I was way too tired.

We looked up Marla’s membership on America Online. Andy told me last night that she’s using the name Silvercty. She wanted to be Silvercity, but someone else already has that name. Someone else already had Mystery, so I’m using Mysterylin. I sent her a letter and will let you know when I get a response.

As for the Norah movies, well, I wasn’t missing anything from Local Hero. This was her first movie and she only had a few parts. So, when the cable went out the first time I recorded it, it did so when she had no scenes. She looked horrible in Deadly Game. Great body, great outfit, but her hair was short and pitiful. Her face looked OK, but she does look older.

I talked to Andy earlier and I told him I’d let him know when I hear from Marla.

Tomorrow, we’re going shopping and Tom says he’s starting a journal on the second computer that I never use. He said I can read it after a few days to a week which will give him time to get a writing style. I never got that myself till after several journals. I still misspell words and change things around, too.

I recorded 2 movies for Tom and I’ve got 3 others I taped last night. This will be good for any moments of boredom I may have.

I was really bummed when I went to go play the Myst game after Tom crashed just to get a message telling me the computer couldn’t find it. Why I don’t know. I saw Tom install it yesterday, the disk is in the proper drive and Tom was playing it earlier.

I want to check out of here for a little while to go watch TV, as well as maybe do some other stuff on the computer.

Later…

My God, I don’t believe it! What luck we had shopping earlier tonight. We went to the Metro Center mall which was mobbed. Tom got a computer game and some strange wire that he just told me is called a joystick Y cable. A joystick is used to play computer games, but to me it sounds like a sex toy.

We got a little CD rack that holds 20 CDs that is in the back room. There are mostly computer programming and game CDs there, but we also have a few with music.

We got pretty pastel-colored computer paper. They came with matching envelopes, but I didn’t get them cuz we have enough envelopes around here.

I got vanilla bean lotion and ballet slippers. The ballet slippers are a little different as there’s no strap across the top of the foot. I may stitch a strap onto it. I haven’t decided yet.

Got birthday cards for my niece Lisa and Andy.

Now for the ultimate catch of tonight’s shopping. I got 4 journals and 3 of them are awesome! Their covers are these silver dazzling effects. They shimmer in the light and reflect different colors when you move them around like prisms. I always wondered what was taking them so long to make these journal covers. They make plenty of notepad covers like this. Along with #’s 17, 18, 19, 31, 64, 66, 67, 68, 69, 71 and a few others, they’re top of the line as far as all my journals go. The 4th one I got I picked out not cuz it’s pretty, but cuz it’s so different and I never expected to find it. Against a royal blue background, it’s got menorahs, stars of David, dreidels and other kinds of stars. The colors in them are gold, white, and royal blue. I’m now beginning the 4th shelf of journals on my bookcase.

Tom said he began his journal on the computer and he checked on AOL, but I have no mail from Marla yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 1, 1995 I would’ve written sooner, but I just had to begin 1995 by listening to music.

I spoke to Andy a little over an hour ago. He’s having a friend over. Some guy they call Goofy.

Tom crashed shortly before 10:00 and we were wrong about Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He said it varies from year to year. Obviously, it does, cuz from 11:35 to midnight our time they showed Times Square and FL. It’s taped, though, naturally. It was really pouring in NYC and was 38º.

I heard more firecrackers around here than last year. I was even surprised that they did something next door. They were only out there a minute or two and all I saw was one little kid. I don’t know if they set off any firecrackers or not or went anywhere, but I really appreciated the fact that they didn’t constantly run their van. Anyway, I’m not gonna get into a major discussion about our very weird neighbors.

I’m looking forward to 1995 being fun and productive. God, I hope there are no tragedies or any major regrets. If we do have a kid, I hope to hell I survive it and don’t regret having the kid. I agree with Tom in that I’m gonna not listen to all those horror stories of having a kid and being a mom. I’m gonna listen to myself. I’m still terrified, though, but we’re gonna do whatever we want to do and whatever we can do.

I’m using that journal that came with the computer game to write a birthday journal for Andy whose birthday is February 15th. If I remember correctly, he’ll be 33.

My ear’s itching right at the opening where the incision was made, so I’m gonna go put some ointment on it.