#I want to leave so badly one of the hundreds of places I've applied for please hire me

[crimsonblackrose]

The amount of dumb mistakes I'm finding this week is...mind boggling. Like, I thought the whole point was not to overwork everyone because as my boss said "holding everyone accountable by numbers (how many tasks they got done in an hour/15 mins ect) is childish" and we learned the hard way that rushing quantity over quality screwed everything over. (even though the head of the department and every boss said we weren't doing that that quality was king even though in practice it was a lie) And yet...every full time employee has left glaring errors in their stuff this week.

[robininthelabyrinth]

I've got a HC that could be a prompt if you're interested? Due to grinding his teeth & holding all his stress in his jaw JC's jaw just totally locks up for from a few hours to a day or so. Obvs he tries to hide it from everyone, but it always happens at inconvenient (ie stressful) times. (Cultivation conferences, every time he makes up his mind to go to Gusu and finally hash things out with WWX, when he really wants to shout at JL for something stupid & can suddenly only mumble, etc. Whatever)

Living with Lan Wangji had taught Wei Wuxian the many different flavors of silence.

After all, his husband was not an especially emotive man – it was all in the microexpressions, the curve of his eyes or the tilt of his brow – and yet he conveyed his meaning clearly, even without saying a word. Wei Wuxian learned to cherish the comfortable silences, to interrupt incipient brooding, to entice during the times when his husband was most definitely not thinking about his work…

Perhaps it was that experience that makes him realize – possibly for the first time in his new life – that there was something wrong with Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian had been extremely self-absorbed as a young man, in his first life, but he’d still known to keep his eye on his too-quiet, too-intense shidi, who usually locked his feelings away deep inside but not deep enough that Wei Wuxian couldn’t see. Even after their estrangement, he had been able to read him as easily as any book – every flinch and every start, every swallow, every shift of weight, a hundred stories of discomfort and confusion that he hated himself for not being able to assuage. For not being willing to assuage, because he, in his arrogance, had thought that through his silence he could keep Jiang Cheng from suffering even more pain.

In his new life –

Well. Wei Wuxian had long ago lost the right to hold the key to unlock the secrets of Jiang Cheng’s heart.

And yet, he was certain something was wrong. Jiang Cheng was glaring and scowling as always – possibly worse than always, because he didn’t have a choice about coming to the discussion conference even if it was in Gusu, even if that meant Wei Wuxian would be there – and he looked as immaculately put together as he always did in this strange future where the kid Wei Wuxian remembered dunking into ponds just the other day had turned into a cold-faced man who was feared instead of loved, but still. Something was wrong.

Something was very wrong.

It was his silence, Wei Wuxian decided. Jiang Cheng was staying quiet even when there was something that Wei Wuxian knew he cared about, not even greeting Jin Ling with more than a huff – though Jin Ling didn’t seem to mind – and it wasn’t a calm quiet, a content quiet, the contained and controlled quiet that Lan Wangji was.

It was wrong.

So maybe Wei Wuxian just happened to meander by the guest quarters for the Jiang sect on his nightly walk. It was totally accidental, even if it had never before happened while Jiang Cheng was in residence as a visiting sect leader. After all, Wei Wuxian had only lived at the Cloud Recesses a few years – anyone could get turned around.

“– should have said that it was getting this bad!”

That was Jin Ling’s voice, Wei Wuxian observed, and he “meandered” closer while keeping his tread as light as possible. It was late for Jin Ling to be here instead of back in the rooms reserved for the Jin sect; he should be getting some sleep in preparation for a busy day the next day.

Jiang Cheng should be telling him to get some sleep.

He wasn’t.

He wasn’t saying anything.

Wei Wuxian peeked through the window.

Jiang Cheng was sitting on the bed, Jin Ling crouched beside him, chattering angrily like an angry monkey as he applied a cold compress to the side of Jiang Cheng’s face.

“Don’t know what you were thinking,” he said mutinously, even though Jiang Cheng glared at him. “No, stop that – no glaring, no yelling, you heard what the doctor said. Did you take your medicine?”

Jiang Cheng nodded.

“And it’s still this bad? That’s not good, jiujiu.”

Jiang Cheng turned his head, a sudden jerk. He looked frustrated. He looked like he wanted to say something – but like he couldn’t.

Wei Wuxian felt something drop in his stomach.

“I know you already know that,” Jin Ling said, interpreting the silence as easily as Wei Wuxian used to, and then hesitated. “And I know you said you didn’t want to consider…you know the doctor says that the surgery would help a lot.”

Jiang Cheng shook his head furiously.

(Wei Wuxian’s gut churned. Surgery? Some necessary type of surgery, something was wrong, and Jiang Cheng refusing to fix it - was it because of him, what he’d done, back in that past life? Would Jiang Cheng recoil from all surgeries because of that one time when he didn’t have a choice about it, and in so doing cost himself his life - no, that Wei Wuxian’s actions would cost him his life, that Wei Wuxian would at long belated last drag him into the grave the way he had everyone else?)

“Listen, you might not have a choice. This is getting really, really close to another serious flare up, okay? And we don’t want one of those,” Jin Ling argued. “Do you remember when you couldn’t eat anything? For weeks? Because I do. It was awful. Everyone thought you were dying –”

“He’s not, is he?” Wei Wuxian asked, finding himself inside the door before he even realized he was moving. “He’s not dying?”

“Senior Wei!” Jin Ling exclaimed, surprised, and – yeah, maybe it hurt a bit that Jiang Cheng was jiujiu and he was Senior Wei instead of shishu even after all the night-hunts they’d gone on together, but Jiang Cheng wasn’t the one who’d played a part in robbing Jin Ling of his parents so he was going to just shut up and not complain about it – but that wasn’t important right now.

“He’s not dying,” Wei Wuxian insisted, his voice a little shrill. “Whatever’s wrong with him that’s bad enough that he needs surgery – why can’t he talk? What’s keeping him from talking?”

Jiang Cheng had half-risen to his feet, but Jin Ling pulled him down again with a glare of his own. “Don’t you dare move yet,” he hissed, pressing the compress into his uncle’s face even harder. He glanced back at Wei Wuxian. “Maybe you can talk some sense into him – it’s his jaw.”

“His jaw?”

“It locks up,” Jin Ling explained, and – yes. That was the missing piece, the thing he hadn’t known; that was the problem. “Really badly, to the point where he can’t move it at all. He can’t talk except through mumbling, and in the really bad times he can’t even open it enough to eat – he can only drink soup.”

That sounded awful.

“What causes it?” Wei Wuxian asked, deciding to be as bold and careless as everyone always claimed he was and to come over and help hold the compress in place.

Jiang Cheng didn’t strike him dead for it, as he’d almost expected him to.

“The muscle at the top of jaw, right under the ear, gets all swollen and fixed in place. Teeth grinding and stress aggravate it, and it aggravates them, and it’s all a horrible cycle…I’m applying cold right now, but next it’ll be heat. In really bad times, like now, we might even use acupuncture and Zidian to try to shock the muscle loose –”

That sounded painful. Wei Wuxian didn’t like to think about Jiang Cheng being in pain.

Especially not from stress.

Stress that Wei Wuxian had always aggravated, rather than eased; the stress of being a sect leader all alone, the stress of being abandoned, left behind, the stress of chasing after Wei Wuxian who held himself far away –

“Can I help?” he asked.

“Yes,” Jin Ling said, even though Jiang Cheng tried to shake his head no. “Anything you can think of we’d welcome.”

“I’ll look through all the libraries,” Wei Wuxian promised. The focus of his research – even in his new life – had tended to focus on demonic cultivation, simply because it was new and interesting, but he was a genius; if he put his mind to it, he was sure he could come up with something better to help fix Jiang Cheng’s jaw before it needed to be cut open with a knife just to let him eat something. “I’ll help.”

Jiang Cheng caught his hand and tugged, unable to speak – but his silence said Why so plaintively that Wei Wuxian’s heart lurched in his chest.

“Because you’re Jiang Cheng,” he told him, unable to explain it other than that. He couldn’t say that he wouldn’t leave him to suffer – he had – couldn’t say he wouldn’t do anything to hurt him – he had – could barely even say he put Jiang Cheng’s well-being as one of his highest priorities, even though it was. There was no reason for Jiang Cheng to believe him about any of that. “Let me help. Please.”

Jiang Cheng stared at him for a long moment.

After a while, he put down his hand and looked away, pretending the moment had never happened, and that was as good as agreement when it came to Jiang Cheng.

Wei Wuxian smiled in relief, and started planning out his first attack on the healing arts section of the Lan sect’s library.

[hugee0715]

2018

January

2 weeks into the year I cut my hair, probably like 80% of it. Which I quickly regretted. It just seems like every year starts with me doing something to myself, except this one. This January there'll be no surprise, promise.

I also had to decide what schools and courses I wanted to apply to until the 15th. So being the person that I am, at 23:20 on the 14th I submitted all the forms. Earth science, civil engineering or software engineering? I had another 6 month to find out which path my life would take.

February

This photo was taken at around 6 in the morning when I was on my way to a nearby city to take a language certification exam. I was so nervous because I was going into the C1 level right away, basically blindly with no exam experience whatsoever. I remember arriving and meeting 3 other girls who were there for the exam too. We started chatting and they all said that they took the B1 level previously because their teacher advised them. One has already failed, this was her second time. One was there with a whole book of exercises. They all looked so prepared and for a moment I panicked. If I were to fail that day, I'd have had 40 less points for my university application. And a lost bet with my girlfriend. But I didn't fail neither of those.

I also got my girl into MBTI that month, which quickly became the new astrology of our relationship. ENFP-INTP pairing. Cute, huh?

March

This was the month where I kind of chilled down for a moment. It was totally unjustifiable but I still did, thinking I've got plenty of time still till exams would start. I was going to school, doing some small preparations but nothing major.

April

Now this was the month where I regretted all the laziness back in March. My days were counted and I know that makes it sound like I was about to be executed but that's exactly how I felt.

On top of that, in the middle of the month my mum got hospitalized suddenly. It was supposed to be just a check but they didn't let her leave after it. My days were spent with visiting her instead of going to school. She scared us shitless but slowly she started getting better with each day and by the second week she was already coming home.

May

Oh May. I had graduation right at the beginning of the month and 2 days later my week of exams started. A peaceful image of my table right before maths exam. 20 minutes later it wasn't as peaceful anymore.

School ended for good and we had a monthish time before the second part of it all, which are the oral exams.

June

So many papers, hundreds of pages littered everywhere. Stress, overthinking, contemplating why I even applied for software engineering when I was so sure I'd fail the comsci exam, procrastinating, some self pity and over all panic.

One of the exceptions was this day, my mum's work did a little event. They work with old people, helping handicapped elders. A school building full of people who long left the classrooms, doing all kinds of crafts, little games and even some shooting outside. We sat around painting on glass, doing things we probably haven't done together in like a decade.

29 out of 50 so be careful, sharp shooter right here.

July

The 25th came around and at 20:00 sharp the point limits went live. The website instantly crashed by the tens of thousands of people and my blood was loudly rushing inside my head. Once it finally let me in I was scanning through the names of the different universities, then different faculties and lastly the different courses. Earth science. 290. Less than the previous years. A lot less actually. I got into the place I wanted to so badly. I got in by a ridiculous amount of points.

August

An accidental snapshot of my feet while I am having a mediocre melt down in the middle of a bridge over the Danube. The morning started horrendously, I left my student ID at home but I only realized it on the train. Which meant I couldn't buy discounted tickets but I didn't have enough money for the full price ones. So I called mum who called a friend who has a car that they have to come to the city with my ID within 20 minutes because if I miss the train I'll be late and won't be able to enroll to uni. That got solved last minute when they arrived 4 minutes before the train left, which then arrived to Budapest an hour late, the tram was out of service so I took one of the replacement busses but they only went till the Pest end of Petőfi bridge. Which meant I had to walk over when I was already running late so we could very well say that I was done at this point with life and everything.

September

With this picture we can confirm that I wasn't late for enrollment. This is the place most of my days are spent at. The days leading up to me having to move were filled with a weird type of anxiety. It wasn't the kind I was familiar with, it wasn't as scary. As consuming, as toxic. It was kind of exciting, like the feeling you get before getting on a roller coaster. My girl made it feel like that, the security of having her. If there's one good thing about LDR then it's the fact that I can literally have her anywhere with me and it feels like not much has changed. The calmness that this gave me was beyond understandable. I still had her, so there was no need to panic.

Of course it was still a little challenging, the whole change in our schedules and although it sometimes got a little frustrating, she was understanding and I need to thank her for being my safe spot, for making me so brave when I used to be so scared. Without her I would have never been able to do this and she knows that.

October

This is my view everyday when I go to work and back home. A city of so much magic and beauty and also a city that I can't wait to share with my love.

We had our first anniversary. A whole year of being together. I got off of work just in time before it turned midnight in the Philippines. I had a bag of cookies I made the previous day to show, cute, heart shaped ones. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal way or how I imagined it but the meaning behind it is still the same. A year of loving eachother, slowly changing, slowly realizing who we truly are as a team.

November

I made that! My job's description would most likely be miscellaneous. I stand at the counter, make coffee, help customers, sometimes clean or go to the post office, I'm responsible for the paper bags and cups, but on the weekends, I bake. I spend all my Sundays there quietly doing my job. Cookies, pies and as it was getting closer to Christmas gingerbread as well. I had the most tiring days, one time I spent 12 hours there building 6 of these trees and around another 400 of normal figures. My hands got inflamed by the end of the night because of all the icing I had to squeeze out. But nonetheless this is a good first job. I get to learn around really nice and helpful people. Not even mentioning all the free food I get.

December

A happy girl living a more challenging life than ever but still enjoying it like it's nothing.

Decembers are nice. I think back to all the things that happened this year and how different they were compared to last year. I was whining for 66.66666% of the 2017 post. And for the 2018 one all I can think about are the good good things that happened. None of the bad matters. I had one of the worst and one of the best years of my life after one another. No doubt about that.

So yeah,

2018 was a year that will truly be missed. I loved it. But no need to mourn anything because 2019 will give me even more things to write about at the beggining of 2020. Not to even mention 2021. This is far from the end.