#I want to be buried in a lace dress and placed upon a stone slab; slowly lowered into the earth

[chrispy-bones]

[forcebaby732]

Why Didn’t You Kill Me, Part 9

“Stupid buckethead…” Rey mumbles, “…brain full of bantha poodoo.”

Ben is pulled away from his enjoyment of Rey’s discomfort as he walks up to the exact place where Kenobi’s vision had taken place. He sees the triangular stone and metal slabs where padme lay after being dropped to the ground.

This is the second time he’s visited the castle, but it feels like he’s truly seeing everything for the first time.

Here, Snoke had presented Kylo with the helmet of Darth Vader, and it showed him visions of absolute power and strength. Now he wonders, what life would have been like if Vader had chosen his family instead…if he had protected them the way he was trying to…which was the true power… which was the weakness?

Rey nearly collides into his back.

She dodges and sees Ben deep in thought. Frowning she leaves him be and takes time to look around. A long, narrow grated platform extends from the landing pad to the towering black metal behemoth of a castle beyond. It is perfectly symmetrical, tall and imposing. A fitting fortress of darkness she thinks. Rey feels heaviness pull at her chest that has nothing to do with the intense waves of heat emanating up from below them.

Something about it is almost, familiar?

That can’t be right. But then again, it wouldn’t be the first time she’s known a place before she’s actually been there.

“Come,” he says finally.

They walk the long bridge in silence. Ben has become stoic and Rey can only imagine what is going through his head. She senses he’s been here before. The closer they come to the castle, the tighter her chest seems to feel.

For the first time it really hits her that she’s walking beside the grandson of Darth Vader, a legendary evil and the most hated man in the galaxy. Vader, the father of Luke Skywalker and Princess Leia, yet more mythical and historically epic galactic figures. And here she was with Ben, who became Supreme Leader of the First Order while chasing his grandfather’s shadow.

She watches his hunched shoulders as he lumbers briskly before her, his long legs carrying him swiftly across the platform as she practically jogs to keep up.

For the first time she really feels the burden that tremendous mixed legacy must have been on Ben’s shoulders. She remembers what she saw in his mind, a young boy frightened of his own powers, isolated as his parents led a galactic resistance, the whispers of dark voices in his head…

Her thoughts are interrupted as they walk through the cavernous entrance to the castle. Inside are more ramps over lava flows. In the center of a wide-open room is a giant circular bacta tank, the equipment lining the walls make it clear this is a large medical chamber.

Rey steps forward, then gasps in pain.

She shutters and kneels at the sudden feeling.

Ben halts and turns to look at her.

What was that? She thinks frightened. It felt almost as if her skin were on fire. As suddenly as it came, the feeling was gone. Except, now her limbs seemed to ache.

Sensing Ben’s stare, she stands quickly and walks on. “It’s nothing,” she says.

Ben narrows his eyes at her. THIS is exactly why he actually brought her here. To see her reaction to this place, maybe find some undiscovered relics, wisdom or history to help light his way, but mostly, to test the truth of what the Jedi ghost had told him.

Beyond the chamber they find a wide meditation platform hanging over the edge of an onyx cliff, looking over a flow of lava that cascades down a mountain face below the castle.

Back inside they ascend a spiral metal staircase. At the top it opens to a wide personal study and what appears to be a sleeping chamber. The half-moon room has one wall of rock, the rest was open to the molten world outside. Just a floor and a ceiling and the yawning horizon.  

Ben begins rummaging through the room but Rey halts. A curious feeling falls upon her, like waves of familiarity that come and go.

“I’ve seen this place…” she whispers mostly to herself.

Ben’s eyes snap up to her. He watches with rapt attention but Rey is distracted by her exploration. She runs her fingers along the rock face, over compartments, book shelves and com units until she happens upon a small item. A little square carved trinket embedded in a sharp edge of rock. It’s a japor snippet, she thinks, though she doesn’t really know what that means.

Rey runs her fingers over it, tracing the lines, once, twice, again, and the room starts to rumble!

A section of wall slides open, startling them both.

Inside is another stair case.

“Have you seen this before?” Rey asks nervously.

Ben shakes his head. It appears to be a secret passage…and she has found it. Could the ghost of Kenobi have been telling the truth?

Ben takes the lead, walking up the steps with Rey following behind. It goes on and on until she is certain they are nearing the pinnacle of the awesome spire they saw from outside.

It opens to a warmly lit room.

Sunlight pours in through a sumptuous stain glass window. It depicts a beautiful young woman. The light streaming in from the panes, fall upon a large white stone tomb. This is a crypt, someone of great importance to Vader. In a corner is a stuffed mannequin draped in the most gorgeous gown Rey has ever seen. All white lace and a lace head dressing, fine detail, something fit for a queen.

She fingers the fabric and a deep sadness falls upon her heart. Rey looks up at the woman in the glass window

“So beautiful,” she says.

“My grandmother,” he says, looking up at the window as well. Surely this wasn’t me? he thinks.

She looks again at Ben, child of legends and bearer of a crippling legacy.

The room is a shrine.

“He must have really loved her.”

“He killed her.”

She’s silent, tension filling the air as she stares at Ben.

He goes on without meeting her eye. “He strangled her while she was pregnant. She died in childbirth shortly after. He chose the power of the darkside over his family.”

“He obviously regretted that decision for the rest of his life…”

Ben looks at her a moment and considers that. Then looks back at the elaborate shrine to the love of Vader’s life. Queen and Senator, a strong beautiful woman, beloved worlds over. Regret? Ben thinks he knows that feeling. The instant he struck his father, he expected an infusion of strength and darkness, instead he felt weakness and pain. It was a worthless sacrifice… an unnecessary loss…

While Ben is lost in thought, Rey walks over to the elaborately carved stone tomb.

She lays a hand upon Padme’s grave, and collapses to the floor.

“Rey!” Ben calls and he’s by her side.

Visions and emotions overwhelm her.

Gasping for breath Rey grips Ben shirt with both of her hands.

“She was alive, I felt it...”

“What? What are you saying...”

“I can’t lose you, I won’t let it happen again,” tears are streaking down her face as Rey struggles with thoughts and feelings that are at the same time real and familiar and not.

“You’re not making sense,” Ben says gripping her shoulders.

She meets his eyes and she looks wild and scared.

“I’ll save you Ben, I’ll become more powerful if I have to. I won’t let you die! I’ll save you!”

His stomach drops hearing the words of the vision spoken back to him. Something is happening and Ben knows he has to get her out of this room.

He scoops her up in his arms like he once did in the forest on Takodana. Only this time she clings to his neck, her face buried in his chest as she rambles about saving him and not losing him.

He descends down the stair case, back below the sleep chambers, and takes her out to the meditation platform.

He deposits her on the ground and she instantly feels better.

Breathing easier, she’s now hit with a new emotion.

Embarrassment and shame.

What was she saying to him? She was spilling her guts, confessing her desperation to save him like a lover. How did she allow herself to be overwhelmed like that? Whose emotions were they truly?

“Tell me what you saw,” he says evenly, his eyes boring into her.

He can sense her embarrassment, but he needs her to focus. He had to know the truth, had she really channeled the spirit of Anakin? Did she experience memories that were from a previous life, or merely a trick of the force?

Rey shakes her head. She’s still shaken.

Ben sits cross legged before her in a meditative pose.

“Show me. Open your mind, let me see.”

Schooling her ragged breath, Rey closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to feel that again but...

She takes a deep, steadying breath and relaxes her mind. She feels Ben there, entering her consciousness gently, so unlike his previous intrusions.

Another breath and she tries to focus on what she saw. What she felt...

It hits her again.

She can’t breathe as the intensity of fear and pain, terror, despair and loss flood her, but this time Ben is there beside her, sharing the burden.

It feels so real, so raw.

Vader’s desperation to save his family. Not just his wife, but his mother too. If only he was more powerful, if only he was stronger, he could halt death itself! But instead of halting death, he only harkened it. He damned his love and the lives of millions. Then there’s another feeling like a drumbeat in her soul. Never again, never let it happen again. Don’t lose them. Don’t lose your family, don’t lose your friends, don’t lose Ben! They all blur together in a continuum. 

Rey gasps and Ben flees her mind.

They look at each other for a long time, breathing hard.

“What does it mean,” Rey whispers, frightened.

“Part of your soul...” he pauses, “is connected to that past.”

Rey’s eyes are wide with terror and tears.

“No.”

He doesn’t answer.

“I want no part of this,” and she’s on her feet.

“Don’t run away...”

“IT’S NOT MY PAST!” she screams and sobs.

A rare tear escapes Ben as he feels her fear. He stands too.

”You told me to let the past die, but you’re the one who’s holding on!” Rey cries, “All of this, it’s not you and it’s not me!”

Ben measures his next words. 

“You have a chance to create peace across the galaxy with me. To finish what was started...”

“What he started was a FAMILY!”

Ben blinks taken aback.

Rey goes on, “You have to walk your own path, not what Vader wanted, or your parents, or Luke, or Snoke. What does Ben Solo want? I’ll bet my life it’s not to be Supreme Leader…”

“I can’t go back… I sacrificed too much,” he admits barely above a whisper.

“You sacrificed too much?” She stops and tries very hard to keep her voice even, “Han gave his life to break you free of the First Order. He promised Leia…” she stops herself again, “He died to save you, not so you could be some dark overlord. You walked that path, had all the power you could want but you were still miserable.”

Another tear escapes Ben.

“Killing everyone doesn’t make it go away. Vader learned that and so did you.” 

His breathing grows ragged as Rey finds her voice.

“Han’s sacrifice was not in vain. Free yourself Ben. There has to be another way for us...”

He remembers his father’s hand on his face as he falls, falls, falls and Ben can’t listen anymore… he flees the castle returning to the shuttle.

---

Rey stays sitting for a long time.

It’s impossible to process what’s happened here but she’ll be damned if she lets it change who she is.

She’s no Vader. Neither is he.

Finally Rey stands and sets herself to do one of the things she does know: scavenging. She tears open control panels, bagging components she thinks will be helpful for repairing her light saber. She finds some piping that will make for an excellent new staff. She rips the fabric off the few austere furnishings, and fashions a makeshift net out of some other material.  Hours later she returns to the shuttle, hauling her loot along with her.

When she finally drags it all up the ramp, dirtying the pristine luxury shuttle as she goes, she finds Ben waiting for her. He stand straight, face unreadable and she can tell he’s blocking his mind from hers.

He quirks an eyebrow at what she’s brought.

“Good stuff. Electronics, tubs of bacta. We can use it.”

He thinks she’s like a cat bringing a dead mouse back to it’s master.

There’s an awkward silence.

He breaks it.

“We’ll repair your saber then plot our next move. We will destroy Hux, together.”

Together. The word hangs in the air. She thinks it sounds good in his low voice.

Rey nods and feels a strumming of the force, like music.

---

They shared a meal in silence. Ben then plotted coordinates for their next destination while Rey cleaned and sorted her findings.

She supposes he did all the thinking he needed to.

The journey to the Kyber crystal planet would take three standard days and in that time Ben announced he would read the Jedi texts with her.

As they take off, Rey thinks she’s never been so happy to leave a planet before and she’s including Jakku.

---

Hours into a fitful sleep cycle, Rey feels her heart twist in despair. She is awoken, jumping in fear at the sensation. What in the world?

It’s Ben and he’s a riot of emotions.

Rey leaps from her cot and finds him on a bench in the eating area, head in his hands, elbows on his knees, shaking.

“STAY BACK!” he shouts.

She startles and stops. Closing her eyes, she tries to sift through his emotions… regret, guilt, anguish, self-loathing, longing...

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME?”

It’s the first time he’s referred to the events of the spring.

“I think,” she says as she takes a careful step torward him, “I took away Snoke’s manipulation that was left in your mind. He’s been influencing you since before you could defend yourself. It felt like pulling a black curtain off your brain.” 

“YOU’RE THE ONE TRYING TO MANIPULATE ME!”

“No, Don’t fight it Ben. Feel it. Feel it all. Understand it. You can see it clearly now can’t you? All the things you hid from yourself. The lies you told yourself with Snoke’s help.”

“STOP IT!”

“Let me help you.”

“STAY AWAY FROM ME!” he roars while flinging items her way, but nothing strikes her. She walks on, unfazed.

“I’m not afraid of you Ben”

One more step and she’s embracing him, throwing her arms around his shoulders.

He’s stiff and then he grabs her, HARD. He envelopes her with his big arms, digging his fingers into her sides, burying his face in her chest, screaming, groaning, gasping and crying.

She fills him with light, surrounding him tightly, taking the painful darkness that is pumping out of him. She swallows his hurt, tightens the light around them. His screams quiet, turn to pants and gasps for breath between suppressed sobs. Her tunic is soaked with tears and snot and drool. (He is an ugly crier)

Years of repressed pain come pouring out of him.

She runs her hands through his impossibly soft black hair, finally satiating that odd desire she’s had since the first time he took off his helmet and left her wondering how a man so evil, could have the most beautiful hair in the galaxy.

“Rey…” he breathes in a hoarse voice.

She strokes his locks, running her fingers along his scalp. His breathing is heavy but slowing, the tension in his shoulders melting, the bruising grip on her sides loosening.

“Rey, Rey, Rey…” He repeats over and over, nuzzling his face against her chest, and he’s so much like a wounded animal, she doesn’t even realize as she leans down and places a chaste kiss on his forehead.

His breath stutters with momentary shock and he can’t stop himself from whipping his face up to look at her. She sees surprise, confusion, hope?… Even with him sitting and her standing their faces are nearly the same level, with Rey hovering just slightly above him.

Her mind is blank, but her body drives her towards the other part of him she’s been fascinatingly drawn to since their first meeting. His luscious lips.

Eyes open she presses her lips against his and thinks the sensation is odd. He recoils slightly taking a shuttering breath. They stare at each other a moment, and then he’s moving back towards her, planting a shaky kiss on her lips as well. Her eyes flutter shut, examining the sensation again. And opening a moment later, she sees he’s still looking at her in awe. They part again. Courage, and fire are returning to his eyes. This time his hand flies to the back of her neck, and she grips his curls as they press into each other, tingling lips now sliding against the other, their bodies push for more contact, there’s sighs and moans and a wildfire is burning in her chest and then…

It feels like a bolt of lightning, a flaming pulse of the force bond that shocks them enough to let go of each other.

Rey steps back and Ben stands up. They look at each other, panting and wide eyed with shock. Ben seems to finally remember himself. He marches away towards his sleeping quarters and the door slides shut.

Rey is left mind reeling.

What did I just do?

I kissed Kylo Ren?!

No.

I kissed Ben Solo.

----

ON Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13990587/chapters/32779536

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Part 1: http://bit.ly/2IdHDTN

Part 2: http://bit.ly/2Ie5q5G

Part 3: http://bit.ly/2oVTDRD

Part 4: http://bit.ly/2HztYF7

Part 5: https://bit.ly/2G8K7RP

Part 6: https://bit.ly/2GfN5YH

Part 7: https://bit.ly/2upJMJa

Part 8: https://bit.ly/2JbkYaW

Part 10: https://bit.ly/2HnC9FF

Part 11: https://bit.ly/2HucNsb

Part 12: https://bit.ly/2vt5sED

Part 13: https://bit.ly/2HvMiDH

Part 14: https://bit.ly/2KxOWGN

Part 15: https://bit.ly/2Kt5r6l

Part 16: https://bit.ly/2x5QLYR

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