#I wanna see ask blogs be popular again tldr cause I LOVE!!! ASK BLOGS

[residentialsinyomakai]

Should I make. Like. A masterpost (when I have the time) of any active yokai watch gimmick/ask blogs I know of? Cause if anyone would wanna see that I'd be down!!

[nanikoreeeh]

about mental health & writing motivation

tw— mentions of depression; anxiety; ocd

long post ahead

it’s been so long since i was last here that i feel strange typing this. this in no way a very articulated post, or at least i don’t think it will be since i’m writing this at 6:09 am after not having slept during the whole night so if you decide to read, thank you.

as you’ve noticed i’ve been absent for a while (or maybe you haven’t, cause this is tumblr and most people come here to log off from real life and have a good time which i also used to do until logging in felt like a chore hence why i’m making this post). anyways, i’ve been absent from tumblr cause i really wasn’t enjoy it anymore.

i discovered tumblr like six years ago, and just realizing that feels so surreal cause for me it’s been like a mere short breath. i was in a not so good headspace and tumblr gave me a save space to connect to people and content that i really wanted to see. fandoms and that sort of stuff. at the time i was so amazed at the freedom the people on this app seemed to have that i just loved it.

i’ve been writing since i was 6 years old and i’ve been writing for my favorite fandoms since i’m 12 so for me joining the x reader, imagines & headcanons side of tumblr was a very natural step. i begun writing for haikyuu in an old blog that it’s not active anymore and it was so much fun. i felt creative, i felt inspired and i felt happy. i had been dealing with depression for several years prior to that so the buzz of serotonin i got from writing and from people actually reading what i posted was amazing.

if you’d experienced depression you know that external stimulus doesn’t lasts for too long. it’s not that the things you enjoy aren’t fun, or good anymore, more like your brain just isn’t properly balanced so no amount of external factors can actually make it not be depressed. so the buzzed faded, so i tried to hold onto it by forcing me to write more and more. which didn’t work of course. eventually i simply stopped doing it.

until i opened this new account.

i told myself that i would take things easy this time, that i wouldn’t pressure myself to write this time, that i wouldn’t compare myself to others writers, that i would do my own thing and just, enjoy it. but then i didn’t, i couldn’t. my mind is working 24/7 but my levels of motivation aren’t even close to catch up to that since well, my depression keeps me for having too much energy when it’s at its worst.

and my depression on top of my anxiety, and my ocd have been at its worst for nearly 3 years now. so whenever i got a new idea, i begun a draft and then i couldn’t come back to work on it.

i try of course, i open my drafts regularly but, as i’m unable to work on them i just grow guilty of not being able to write.

i know i’m far from being a huge, popular blog, but opening this blog i fell once again into a trap of my own making: pressuring myself to write because i have to, well, because i feel that i have to. that if i can stick up to a schedule and just get it done i will be able to overcome my slump.

and i’ve just recently realized that, that isn’t possible. cause i’ve turned one of my biggest sources of happiness into a chore, an obligation, a lifesaver to magically cure me from my clinical depression. making me completely unable to write without feeling like i’m fighting against myself to win a prize that in the end doesn’t give me satisfaction.

long story short, i made myself hate writing. and i’m done with that.

i wanna write from a place of happiness again. i don’t wanna feel like i’m letting anyone down if i don’t post, or if i don’t finish a draft. or if i can’t write as beautifully as i would like. since i’m not a native english speaker sometimes it’s hard to not compare myself to other writers and feel frustrated cause i just know that if i were writing in my native language i could do so much more.

to begin closing this post that it’s definitely getting more than long:

this is a new beginning.

i don’t plan to stop writing, but i’m just gonna let myself go at my own pace. i’ve been dying for kinktober to begin and i’ve wanted to participate on it for years so i’m gonna focus on that for the time being.

meaningless effort is on hiatus until further notice which was something i was so afraid to admit cause i just didn’t wanna let anybody down. i but i hope you can’t understand and will be there to support it if/when i come back to it.

i guess this is a post more for myself than for anyone who is reading this, [but if you are, i wanna thank you for all your support]

the lack of feedback of course is also an important factor on my lack of motivation, but that’s a topic other authors have addressed far more eloquently that i could on this post. a,so, feeling my writing as chore i was in o place to ask for more comments or interactions like reblogs cause it just made me feel guilty in the past.

i guess if i had to sum it up i’d say it’s far more important that you are happy with your writing before trying to please anyone else. you shouldn’t try to prove yourself to anyone else, even if that someone is you. and if you’re not happy anymore doing something [try to see if you can reconcile with it, and if you can’t that’s valid] whatever you do, do it from your heart, do it for yourself and whatever comes next will be okay.

tldr— new beginnings, mental health ruined writing for me but i’m starting again, kinktober is my main focus & i will write to make myself happy, stay tuned if you’d like :)

thank you for reading all the way trough if you do, i sincerely hope life is nice to you & i’m sending you good vibes.

love you all 🤍🤍🤍

— sun

[jyushimatsurepliez]

hey, this is more so a question for the mun. I love and admire you dude, and sometimes i kinda get worried for you running this blog because (to no one’s fault) it’s become a source of comfort for lots of people. However, I don’t know if this is what you had in mind when making this blog. Do you ever feel stressed out about it, sweetness? like, worried you might say the wrong thing or not comfort someone “effectively?” I really don’t intend this to be like, rude or cold or anything, it’s just-

{Heya!^^ And thanks for the concern!

Short answer though—it’s not.

Long answer… Well tbh I kinda get this question regularly, so I won’t go into too much detail on how I think people deserve individual respect and how I resent the fact that negative feelings are dismissed so much p’much everywhere despite how important it can be to share them at times. If you want to see my previous replies on that click the links.

To reply to whether I feel worried I might say the wrong thing… I guess rarely? Mainly because to be very honest, this isn’t me comforting people. It’s that guy.

Trust me, if it was up to me to comfort people it’d go differently. I wouldn’t be able to do it, because I’m pessimistic to the core, and if I’m being honest I’ve seen some asks in the past where I’d just go “…Damn that sucks, I see no hope in this”. But Jyushimatsu does. Barriers don’t apply to his way of thinking. Even if it’ll end up being a mistake he’ll just try, and for having people like him amongst my loved ones, I can safely say it’ll still be beautiful for how genuine it is. The ESP Kitty episode (which, for the record again, made me cry) planted that idea and it’s been true since. Sure, he’ll make mistakes, but he freaking tries, he listens and he offers stuff against sadness and he’s not me, and I’m not doing the best job at portraying him sometimes, but I wanna get that idea. TLDR: Thank the sunshine man, not me.

But also there’s something else I haven’t made clear enough before, so might as well do it here. I have a lot of shit of my own. Anxieties, failures, past abandonment and (MAYBE) possible mental issues that I won’t get diagnosed ‘cause cowardice, and ‘cause I wanna avoid stigma. And I feel stressed about a FUCKTON of things. I feel stressed about not being able to fit anywhere. I feel stressed over the fact that most people when they see me either wanna bully me or leave me behind for their own safety. I feel stressed about being almost 26 and drawing such shitty art and never ever amounting to anything art-wise, anything but a big series of failures. I’ve been drawing all my life and the message HAS sunk in that my art isn’t good and people don’t like it all that much. I’ve run a personal French blog for over 10 years and hardly got any readers. I’ve tried being part of a comic collective and got negative feedback consistently. I joined tumblr to get involved in a fandom which events lead me to feel increasingly inadequate in. I got a comic published by a tiny publishing company 3 years ago, and not only did it hardly ever sell, but the way vol 2′s publishing was just winged with even less attention than what should be decent really was a cold shower to me and I’ve never drawn anything original since. Nobody cares and I’m rambling.

What I’m getting at is… This blog isn’t popular, by any means, I know that and I’m stressed over that too, but the fact that some people see it as a safe place to ask for comfort gives me the feeling I’m at least finally doing something right with my art. That it actually means something to people. And so I feel legitimate when I draw for it, despite the fact that I hardly feel legitimate drawing anything otherwise. So yeah, sure, I’ve hardly drawn anything but stuff for this blog in the past couple years. But this is the most attention people have ever paid to my art, and I wanna hold on to that, as pathetic as it might seem to any artist under 20 who typically gets over 500 to 1000 notes per post and is, indeed, popular.

When I made that blog I just wanted to make friends with ichimatsureplies and thought it’d hardly get asks and would die off in a matter of months probably. It didn’t, and it gave me a bigger reason to draw than ever before, and you guys probably have no idea how much that means to me.

I’m being a huge doormat to this fandom because as petty as it might seem to some, it gave me more validation in art than I ever got. So while some people thank me, really I should be thanking all of you.

So yeah. I know my art definitely isn’t a person’s first choice, and same would apply to my personality, but… From the bottom of my heart, thank you all for sticking by. I’m an untalented fucking handful and you made me feel that me and my art were worth something.

…Haha this is so long it’s not even Munday}