#I wanna draw but I have to fricken sleep this sucks

[retros-artandstuff]

IM ON THE ART GRIND, NOT EVEN SLEEP CAN HOLD ME BAC- *passes out*

[whaleyoufeedmenuggets]

Im too lazy to look at the questions so DO ALL OF THEM. (if you dont wanna then go on a random number generator and get 5 random numbers)

ITS REALLY LONG BUT I DID IT KJSHADJS HERE GOES i love oversharing my lifealso im putting a read more line bc its hella long

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

ehhh depends on my mood. i’d say it’s (dark) chocolate most of the time (love that 70% dark chocolate mmMmMm)

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

cotton candy!! except when it gets all over my face and hair o no

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

common report book comments included

- very active

- bright

- “the live wire of the class”

- usually distracted but still does well

- mischievous

- playful

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

bottles so that i can close it and save the rest for later and not have to chug it yeet

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

sportswear #sweatpantsalldayeveryday

7. earbuds or headphones?

def headphones but they’re inconvenient sometimes :/

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows!! (also, my adhd ass can’t get through a movie without zoning out oops)

9. favorite smell in the summer?

i haven’t experienced /real/ summer (thank u singapore’s tropical climate) but i rly like the smell of rain :”)

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

making up excuses to skip pe

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

belvitas before morning practice

croissant sandwich and chocolate milk after practice

if there’s no practice, then scrambled eggs from the dining hall lolol

if i’m too lazy to go to the dining hall, then cereal

12. name of your favorite playlist?

it’s literally called jams and the description is “a clusterfuck of stuff i’ve jammed to at some point”

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

gummy bears/sour patch kids

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

death of a salesman - arthur miller

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

with one foot up on the chair and the other leg sitting normally

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

a pair of asics sneakers

18. ideal weather?

15ºc/60ºf when its like cool but not too cold but also not ridiculously hot and also when theres no insane wind (a light breeze is fine)

19. sleeping position?

on my left side and hugging a pillow/bolster/soft toy

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

i like the feeling of pen and paper but im disorganized as hell so an apple pencil + ipad makes a good enough substitute

21. obsession from childhood?

frogs (i’ve loved them since i was 3 hehe)

22. role model?

a dude i used to train with for a while in 2014. he retired last year but he’s always looked out for me like an older brother since we trained together (he’s 8 years older than me lmao) and even thought i’m so far away rn he still checks in on me and stuff and idk he’s probably one of the swimmers i respect the most.

23. strange habits?

i cant fall asleep at night if im not hugging something.  like. it could be a pillow. or a soft toy. literally anything. once on a school trip i hugged a pair of sweatpants to sleep bc i legit cant fall asleep if im not hugging something.i have no problem falling asleep in class/on buses/cars/planes though.

24. favorite crystal?

idk i never really paid enough attention to crystals to actually have a favorite and know their names. they’re all rly pretty tho.

25. first song you remember hearing?

uhh h h i honestly can’t remember. probably some classical music bc i played the violin and that was my first experience of music that i was actually aware of????

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

switch on the aircon and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch. and swimming outdoors i guess.

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

switch on the heater and take a nap / sit in bed on netflix/playing on my nintendo switch.

do u see a pattern here

28. five songs to describe you?

jet lag - simple plan (bc time zones suck and i miss my fam & friends)

avalanche - bring me the horizon (pretty much sums up how tf my brain feels)

high hopes - p!atd

astronaut - simple plan

the reckless and the brave - all time low

29. best way to bond with you?

doing dumb shit with me

also Quality Time™️ like idk even if we’re chilling and doing our own shit i like just spending time with people im comfortable enough with

30. places that you find sacred?

idk

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

a hoodie and sweatpants

for no reason other than that’s what i wear 90% of the time

32. top five favorite vines?

I AM CONFUSION!!! AMERICA EXPLAIN

this bitch empty. yeet.

im in my mom’s car VROOM VROOM

the one of that dad playing the saxophone (???) and the kid slamming the oven door open and shut

road works ahead “haha yea sure hope it does!”

33. most used phrase in your phone?

either lmao or lolol or LMFAO or yeet

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

gOD i had spotify ads stuck in my head all the time before i switched to premium and now i cant remember any of them (thank god)

35. average time you fall asleep?

i’d say 12:30-1ish

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

the tROLL FACE MEME LIKE those rage faces idk what they’re called but BASICALLY THOSE 2010-2012 era memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

suitcase!!! i like sitting on them and yeeting myself around on them or getting people to push me around and then falling off

38. lemonade or tea?

lemonade

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

ngl i havent had either of them before

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

so in jc2 (aka 12th grade), for some reason PEOPLE WERE PUTTING PRE-PACKAGED HARD BOILED EGGS ALL OVER THE SCHOOL. like they were still in their wrappers and all but u could open ur schoolbag and find like 5 eggs in there. and no one knew where they came from. i think at one point there were even eggs hanging from the pull-up bars. all i know is that they were everywhere and people in my batch still remember it as the egg invasion of acjc.

41. last person you texted?

my mom

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

def jacket!!! especially when they have zips hehe

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap?

idk man depends on my mood

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

sci-fi bc im a fricken nerd

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

shirt and sweats

47. favorite type of cheese?

cheddarrr also i like mozzerrella sticks

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

a fineapple B)

lmao jk ummmm maybe a watermelon bc when u hit it it sounds hollow, just like how my skull would sound if someone hit it (h a)

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

here for a good time not for a long time

never give up without a fight

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

idk probably some dumb meme. i laugh at a lot of stuff like i laugh anything even mildly funny. some that i can think of off the top of my head are:

- i was tryna type ducky but typed fucky instead and sOmEOnE (could be the person who submitted this ask, idk tho) changed my facebook messenger nickname to fucky and the notification was like ”poopy butthole changed your nickname to fucky” and i think that’s still the funniest sentence i’ve read in my whole life

- one time we went to mcdonalds and a friend said mcfluffy instead of mcflurry and idk why but i laughed so hard at that

- once @doduo and i spent half a chinese lesson cutting out random faces from the chinese newspaper and sticking them randomly all over the classroom and idk. it was the funniest thing ever. until the teacher came over and confiscated my scissors rip.

51. current stresses?

- an essay draft (that i am procrastinating rn by doing this, oops)

- CANADIAN TRIALS (but thats a good kind of stress)

- submitting a proposal for a group project but none of my groupmates are freaking replying my texts ugh

52. favorite font?

avenir next!! i find san serif fonts way easier to read than serif lolol.i like helvetica neue too.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

dry af but also i just got my nails done so they pretty rn hehe

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i…havent had a real job yet

55. favorite fairy tale?

idk i was never rly one for fairy tales even as a kid.

56. favorite tradition?

chinese new year when we get CASH and we spend 3 days just eating junk yEET im rly sad im gonna be missing it the next few years tho

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

hh h h hh hhh hh hh they’re pretty personal i don’t /really/ wanna put it out here but i can text you the answer to this if you want (i’m perfectly fine with that!!)

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

- i think i’m pretty intuitive!!! i can guess anyone’s mbti if i’ve spent enough time with them/gotten a detailed enough description of them /winks/ and i can read people pretty well in general and i can draw links to themes/symbols in lit pretty well….???

- i’m somewhat decent at lettering…i think

- i’m good at pull-ups and also vertical jumps i’m secretly a froge

- i’m decent at photography…i guess….

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

yeet

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

pokemon !!

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

/sweats/ i’m not very good at remembering lines from books/movies/shows WELP

62. seven characters you relate to?

JAKE PERALTA - b99

rosa diaz - b99

linguine - ratatouille (he’s permanently confused and he let a ratto take over his job bc he had no idea what he was doing like damn what a big mood)

dory - finding nemo/finding dory (i relate to the forgetfulness)

percy jackson

kale bae /winks/

mitt (during bad phases) /winks again, but sadly/

63. five songs that would play in your club?

idek man i wouldnt even be at my own club i’d be at home taking a nap i’ll just ask someone else to handle my playlist

64. favorite website from your childhood?

club penguin !!!

65. any permanent scars?

yE one of them was from jumping onto a treadmill going at 13km/h 2 years ago bc i thought i was a good idea

66. favorite flower(s)?

i dont have any

67. good luck charms?

i eat pancakes for breakfast on meet days!!!! altho i think this is more of a habit than a good luck charm tbh lmao.

also i guess pip???? he’s my emotional support narwhal :’)

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

durian. i cant stand the stuff or anything flavored like it ugh.

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

red food coloring is derived from beetles

70. left or right handed?

right

71. least favorite pattern?

overly-floral patterns i guessssss. also i hate wearing stripes.

72. worst subject?

chinese

besides that, math and physics

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

i rly like vanilla ice cream and fries

also i would eat ketchup with nearly anything

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

i usually just suck it up and go to sleep when it comes to pain but i guess an 8??? idk. i usually take advil/ibuprofen only for fevers

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

i got my first loose tooth on january 11 2005 and it fell out on january 18 2005 & it was a tuesday (pls don’t ask me how i remember this bc i dont know)

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

tater tots

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

cactus i guess. idk im not good at plants.

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

grocery store sushi (it was pretty decent in singapore so yeeeee lmao also i ate a lot of that as a kid)

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

its the same photo for both so yeAh

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

earth

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

idk i always called them fireflies

82. pc or console?

console I LOVE THE FEEL OF BUTTONS

83. writing or drawing?

drawing (more like doodlign for me bc i cant draw for shit)

84. podcasts or talk radio?

neither but if i rlllllly had to choose then podcasts i guessss s sss

84. barbie or polly pocket?

neither LMAO i gave all my barbies haircuts when i was a kid bc i didnt know what to do with them

85. fairy tales or mythology?

mythology for sure!! i love greek mythology (may or may not be bc of percy jackson lolol)

86. cookies or cupcakes?

cookies

87. your greatest fear?

losing those i love and care about (could be drifting or actual death it goes both ways)

88. your greatest wish?

rn, for my essay to write itself

for the short-term, to make the olympics (and WUGs…and worlds…and sea games…and asian games…and commonwealth games lmao)

for the long-term, uhhh idk. i just wanna live a life i’m satisfied with and to have a job i actually like and to be able to support my parents

89. who would you put before everyone else?

my mom

90. luckiest mistake?

i always say that i regret doing a year of college in singapore instead of coming here for freshman year but if i’d come in a year earlier like i was supposed to, i proba wouldn’t have made it past swim team tryouts and i made some pretty great friends in my first year of college soooo it all worked out i guessi cant think of any others rn

91. boxes or bags?

bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights are rly pretty!!but i like natural light :”)

93. nicknames?

deb

debs

debo

debbo

alpha childuhh h h i think thats about it??? i cant remember any others

94. favorite season?

spring’s pretty great rni like fall too (before it gets cOLd)

95. favorite app on your phone?

insta/tumblr/telegram

96. desktop background?

a photo of me looking rly cool at the starting blocks before a race B)

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4 - mine (singapore & US), my mom’s and my dad’s

98. favorite historical era?

uhh h h idk the ice age seemed pretty cool haha sike it was actually coldmedieval times seemed pretty cool too like damn i want a suit of armorWHEW I SPENT WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THIS but i had fun so yeet

also if you read all the way down here ily and you’re cool

[stupidpianist]

22 october 2018

10:36: Rolling my slug body out of bed. Stayed up a bit later than I had anticipated yesterday night, was watching The Disaster Artist for a second time. Saw it once at a get together with friends when we had all been steadily drinking for a couple hours so I wasn’t paying the closest attention to it, though we all agreed that we mutually thought it was a really good movie. Read/watched some reviews of the movie by my favourite reviewers since I’ve been intrigued about it for a long time, being a fan of The Room, and read that my favourite reviewers all really liked the movie, so last night I was like, “it’s okay, your first class on Mondays isn’t until 11h35, you can sleep in a bit, just watch it, it’s okay, this will ‘inspire you’ and the net benefit of watching the movie will be a lot of productivity and general wellbeing.”

Always loved narratives like these ones, outsiders pursuing a personal dream irrespective of the views of other people, who are just “good enough” and hard enough workers and determined enough that in the end they succeed despite all expectations. It helps that Tommy Wiseau is, like, almost insane, too. I like people that seem to play with reality, like, that seem to warp reality around themselves, like, that command some extremely mass-ey gravitational field that seems to suck everything in and reprocess them based on their own frameworks, rather than the other way around the way that most ppl seem to operate in the world, maybe?

Found myself earnestly surprised at how good I thought the movie was, finding myself drawn into a Tommy Wiseau obsession. I’m tying up this liveblog update in the music library right now and I am sorry that I’m skipping around chronologically, I promise right after this tangent I’ll flip right back into “regularly scheduled programming,” just wanted to share thoughts on Disaster Artist first. Was very inspirational, I’m finding myself, today, being, like, renewed in personal endeavours, and less attentive towards the negative detractions of external influences. Feels pretty cool. Heh.

Actually woke with my alarm at 10h, but didn’t want to get out of the comforts of bed just yet, so I checked Instagram and Facebook for a few minutes and then just closed my eyes, waiting for my second alarm, which I knew was coming in a bit.

Stood, put on bathrobe, feeling “particularly luxurious,” then walked to do the ol’ routine of boiling water, brushing teeth, splashing water on face, putting water in hair, you know the drill by now. Yup, this is just going to get more and more repetitive as the days draw on. An unexpected consequence of starting this experiment is that I have a strange urge to “switch things up” and “change up the routine,” just for sake of novelty. Always had a “soft spot” for novelty, you ever wanna give me a gift? Just give me one of those cheesy, tacky novelty items you see for sale every holiday season. Get me that stuff, give it to me, I want it all. Also: those things you see in infomercials. I want ALL OF THEM. Shamwow? Slap Chop? That thing that removes hair but isn’t a razor? Gimme.

11:14: Still feeling very calm, brewing second cup of tea while sitting in front of computer, aware that I should leave in a minute if I want to be “responsibly early,” but knowing that I could leave in ten minutes and still make it to class on time if I sped walked a wee bit. Didn’t want to “rush myself” this morning, have no idea why, felt like I was “pampering myself,” so I just kept watching some YouTube videos, sipping my tea, in my bathrobe. Eventually was like, “it’s time, it’s time to do it,” and took off bathrobe, put on jeans and Bell Witch long-sleeve shirt. Realized that I might have a work shift later, and checked schedule on computer. Yup. Work later. Changed out of jeans and shirt into black pants and short-sleeve black shirt. Thought, “don’t really want to go back-and-forth from home to change, might as well wear the ‘uniform’ right now.”

11:23: Walking to class. Feeling like I want a Red Bull, probably because Tommy Wiseau, in real life, and featured in The Disaster Artist, drinks a lot of Red Bull. Thought “product placement wins again” in slightly ironic tone, then walked into dep en route to school and bought Red Bull, also painfully aware this is nowhere in my budget, and that I’d have to cut something more important than Red Bull out of the budget if I wanted to buy it. Still bought it, still chugged it in ~10 seconds, placed it in green recycling bin beside shopping complex. Took that Red Bull “to the face.”

11:34: Seems like I got to school ridiculously quickly today?? Very odd. This is a “chill class,” it’s piano pedagogy, the professor is a nice guy and easy to like. Seems like everyone is relatively laid back in the course, one or two students don’t seem very invested at all, but there is earnest commitment from the majority of us. Feels good that the first class of the week is something like this, rather than, like, psych stats, even though that’s happening tomorrow morning… Really skeptical that I’ll get myself out of bed to attend, even though I really should. Seems more likely I’m going to stay up until around one researching The Room, then sleep until ten, and miss the 08h30 call time. Whatever, I’ll deal with this at the end of the day.

Feeling excited about the work shift tonight, too, like, I really like going to work. It’s one of the few places where it’s both easy to ignore the world and feel simultaneously productive, since I’m, like, earning money, even though I’m not exactly doing that much. And it’s a good time for personal introspection; sitting alone backstage without windows, where things are mostly dark, only interacting with people who are hyper-focused on their impending performance, it makes for a good atmosphere to just be with yourself and think about things.

13:28: In music library after class, “fiending for” another Red Bull. On Indigo’s website, seems like they’re just definitively not gonna stock Megan Boyle’s Liveblog… So disappointing… But, they do have copies of the The Disaster Artist book. Don’t want to start practicing yet, for some reason practicing before, like, 15h or 16h in the practice rooms usually puts me in a crappy mood? I love practicing early in the morning if I’m alone, and there’s like a nice window and I have my coffee and there’s morning frost everywhere and I can sort of see my breath in the room. That’s fricken sweet. But if I’m put into a cage with six pianists on either side of me and it’s the morning, gosh, seriously, just so bad??? Almost “disgusting,” even. So instead of starting to practice now I’m gonna head to Indigo, read through part of the book, then think really, really, REALLY hard if I wanna drop twenty bucks on buying the thing. I really want to, but I might have to wait until next month to do so… Really don’t want to, but don’t really have much of a choice. Can’t even “pick up” more work shifts, as there aren’t many concerts this time of the year, but really “can’t complain” about money situation, either. “Feel thankful,” I’m thinking. Yeah, I am thankful, I am!!

13:57: Taking the short “trek” to Indigo bookstore. Listening to Ghost and Let’s Eat Grandma.

14:46: Mission accomplished. Bought The Disaster Artist. Was chatting with [removed] about the movie and they said they didn’t really enjoy it, also that it was problematic because a lot of Tommy Wiseau’s misogyny was skipped over and not addressed. Going to be “very aware” of this while I make my way through the book, “very excited” to “get into it.” Spent, actually, a bit shorter in Indigo than I had anticipated; I was simultaneously checking out the book The Artist’s Way that Alli had recommended to me, saying that I’d probably really enjoy it and that it was really beneficial. It seems like a self-help book centered around artistic creative recovery/rediscovering or discovering new ways of harnessing your innate creativity. Sat in my usual corner by the fantasy novels way in the back to read the beginnings of each one, and while reading The Disaster Artist this employee walks up to me and is like, “sir, I have a seat for you,” so I stand hurriedly, being like, “oh wow, okay, thanks,” and she leads me to this cushioned seat with an amazing view, and I’m thinking, real sheepishly, like, “oh my gosh, what did I do to merit this sort of treatment,” and thanked the employee, who nodded and walked away. Was like, “this right here, this is ‘real customer service.’” Settled into comfy cushioney seat to read.

Was honestly really difficult to choose between the two books. I feel like the final “nail in the coffin” for The Artist’s Way was that I didn’t think I had the right personality for self-help books. Not in, like, a stubborn, self-aggrandizing way, I hope, I don’t look down on them at all, I mean, I own How to Win Friends and Influence People, I like them, I just find that they’re written for a different demographic than I’m a part of. Usually their tactics/methods of self-improving run almost perpendicularly to my own, and if I try their methods, I almost always end up less happy and less fulfilled than before, whereas if I just “do that my body tells me to do,” I almost always end up feeling better. Feel like I’ll improve, personally, more from reading about the details of Tommy Wiseau and The Room than I will from this book. Will still read The Artist’s Way, though, gonna find a PDF of it and start the program, just don’t want to spend fifty bucks on books right now.

Going to head to the practice rooms now, feeling good about “throwing down” twenty dollars on a book rather whimsically. Feels like I’m “investing in my future” in a concrete way, like, “this is a book that you’ll internalize, that will lead to a definitive positive impact on your future life.” Eager to chart the effect this book has, expect a “George Book Review” soon. Maybe I’ll start up my podcast, too?? I used to do this “George’s Book Club” podcast, stopped doing it really early out of lack of time/effort, it was a lot of fun though, I’m gonna consider starting it up… Only, like, an hour-a-week obligation, seems insane that I wouldn’t have time to continue it, just need to “put in the effort.”

15:00: Making an impromptu pit stop at Vinh’s, the Vietnamese cafe in the music cafeteria. It features pho soup and banh mi sandwiches, and other “treats.” Gonna get a “Vinh’s Classic,” the cheapest sandwich, which has cold cuts in it, as opposed to “better things,” like barbecue pork, or grilled chicken.

Lady at cash register accidentally mis-scanned can of Coca Cola that I impulsively chose to buy. I was standing in frnot of the fridge with all the cans of pop and I was like, “I’m spending way too much money, I shouldn’t get a pop, it’s also just… expensive… and unhealthy… Why are you doing this to yourself, no, stop,” then just found myself reaching for a can anyways. Seems like a good sign that she mis-scanned the coke and didn’t notice, I didn’t have to pay for it, got the sandwich and drink for under $6. Internally high-fiving myself right now.

15:02: Got a real good room today! I’m being so spoiled. The piano in this one has a really reactive response, it’s super easy to get it to project, unlike a lot of the other pianos on the floor. Gonna make for an easier practice session, gonna take this sandwich “to my face” as fast as possible and then “dig into” some Alkan and Thalberg.

17:02: Received e-mail notification on phone, the McGill library’s copy of Liveblog is here!! I was expecting it to arrive a lot later, I submitted the acquisition request really recently, and they replied quickly, saying they had decided to purchase a copy, and would e-mail me when it had arrived, but I didn’t anticipate that it would arrive before a copy of Knausgaard’s My Struggle: Volume 6, which still somehow isn’t in the system yet??? Maybe there’s been a glitch, or something, My Struggle has been out for a month longer than Liveblog and it’s been on McGill’s acquisition list for even longer than that. Will have to look into this, will “keep you posted”...

Gonna stop my practicing today here, only two hours, but it was a really intense practice session. Was “singing along” around 60% of the time, played through Alkan, Thalberg, some Mozart, then “messed around” with some other Alkan etudes, and a bit of Prokofiev’s second piano concerto. WAsn’t the most “work-heavy” of practice sessions, but I still feel like I “got what I needed to get done, done.” Want to go to McLennan before work at 18h30 and pick up a physical copy of Liveblog, finally, FINALLY!! I’M SO EXCITED!! TO READ!! IT!! It’s going to take a long time, it’s over seven-hundred pages long, but I’m so into it a hundred pages in, that’s already 1/7 of the book, the rest of it will take no time, right???

Saw Megan Boyle comment something on a mutual writer friend’s Facebook status, only remembering this now.

17:24: Picked up the book from the reserves room, sitting in the lobby of the new music building reading it in the horu I have before work. It’s a lot more substantial, physically, than in my head, like, I knew it was a pretty long book, but I didn’t expect it to feel this dense. The cover and back are also slightly, like, pastel-hued? I’m not going to be able to describe it very well, I was just expecting it to be completely black and white, but now it really, really reminds me of the cover of Taipei, which is funny because the author’s photo on the back of Liveblog was taken by Tao Lin. Seems like these two novels could really be considered “sister novels” for a variety of reasons, like, they cover a similar time period, they feature many of the same people, they’re about a similar period of life in both author’s lives, Megan and Tao were engaged, etc. etc. The cover also has this really pleasing texture to it, like, it feels so good to run your hand over it. It’s one of my favourite cover designs, still not as good in my opinion as Tao Lin’s Richard Yates or Taipei, or the Farrar, Straus and Giroux editions of Knausgaard’s My Struggle, but it’s definitely up there. I think it just doesn’t really fit the material of the novel as well as Taipei’s cover, I mean, the covers look so similar they could’ve been swapped (though oh god Taipei with the cover design of Liveblog would’ve been so much worse than the fluorescent, shimmering letters it actually has), but the cover of Taipei matches up so well with the information the novel presents it’s unbelievable.

Okay sorry for this rambling, meandering conversation on book covers wow. “Settling into” Liveblog again, find myself consistently laughing and grinning wildly at Megan’s observations. Really enjoy the way she perceives things, wish I have the opportunity to “sit down and talk with her” one day, assuming she’d want to talk to me.

17:57: Boss texted me, asking if I could actually help him out at Redpath hall with moving something heavy. Gonna have to “pack it in” early and head over, it’s only a five minute walk or so. I like working with him, he’s a “great guy,” feel like I’m using that phrase correctly? Like, if I was in a movie right now, and I was speaking to a friend, I’d be like, “my boss, yeah, yeah, he’s a real great guy, he’s ‘one of the good ones.’” Blasting Ghost through headphones while heading over.

A summary of the events in Redpath:

-Got to the hall, went to boss’ office adjacent to backstage. Made pleasant conversation with him for around fifteen minutes while we waited for the rehearsal to be over. Usually I don’t make much conversation with him, not because I don’t want to, but I don’t usually have anything I want to “bring up” or “say” to most people, even if I like them. Today was, like, egregiously easy to make conversation, for some reason, maybe a result that I’ve been in a consistently good mood of late?? He also seemed “in high spirits.”

-Rehearsal ended, took pair of work gloves that boss then deemed the “sick gloves,” and that he wouldn’t touch the gloves again, stated in a humorous tone of voice. Walked with boss on stage, saw Poppy on harpsichord, said, “oh hey, it’s Poppy!” Spoke for a few seconds with her, told her I was here working, that I was just moving something heavy.

-Got two other musicians from rehearsal to help us, one whose name I forget, and Eliana (not sure if I’m spelling this right????), a cellist that I’ve had a few classes with over the years. Feel like Eliana is grouped with “people I’ll voluntarily make eye contact with and smile to,” one of the closest groups of people in my mind to “friends,” probably feel similarly to this group of people as most other people feel towards their actual friends, maybe?? Feel like, because I barely speak to anyone, and “hang out” with even fewer people, as a result, a ridiculous majority of my interactions with people are peripheral, voluntarily, so, to me, if I even feel comfortable smiling to someone or waving at them while passing them, that’s, like, to me, a “big deal”??

-Boss slid box with electric organ in it into hall, four of us hoisted the box up onto stage

-Went back to Boss’ office, chatted for a couple more minutes, he signed my time sheet, wished each other a good evening

-Stepped out of hall, put backpack down on floor to put on headphones and start blasting Ghost again before walking back to Tanna Hall

Was doing this weird thing with my neck while walking to Tanna, entirely unsure why I was doing it, other than it “felt good” to do, was just sort of craning my head back, then shaking it back and forth sort of like people do in the shower? Felt “amazing” to do this, have no idea why. Felt my adrenal glands firing away, as result of Ghost pounding through headphones. Picturing the live shows of Ghost I’ve seen on YouTube in my head while walking, not feeling the cold temperature at all.

18:54: “Settled in” for work, backstage.

19:34: Jazz concert tonight, which are always just a lot more casual than classical concerts, meaning I really don’t have anything to do other than sit back here and hit record, also that I need to clear the stage once the concert is over, but, gonna be a “real chill one” tonight, folks. Gonna read Liveblog while idly listening to the concert. Here’s a view of my “workplace environment”:

19:41: Not really “into” the music in this concert so far. Wow why am I even writing this, why is my opinion on this at all important? NO WAIt this is MY liveblog I’m gonna run it HOW I WANT and I’m GIVING MY OPINION. On page 97 of Megan’s Liveblog, gonna try to “make a huge dent in it” right now, finding myself increasingly engrossed.

20:04: Spent a bit too long “perusing” the free and for sale page for McGill on Facebook. NEver ceases to astound me how expensive some of the stuff being sold is… Also kind of got “sucked into” the endless hellhole of Instagram, spent like 15 minutes just scrolling through it. Got some great memes out of it, I guess? Gonna go pee now, then return to Liveblog. (Guess what? The concert isn’t getting better either.)

Feel like buying beer tonight. Usually don’t drink on weeknights, but feeling like some beer tonight, feels like a “good way to end the day,” like, it feels satisfying to buy some beer on the walk home after work. That sounds so official. “I’m having a few beers after my work shift ends. I’m having a few beers after work. Yeah, man, just having a few drinks after work. Just gonna throw back a few after work, wanna join? Hey, hey, you wanna hit up a bar after work? Yo, wanna come get some drinks with us after work?”

20:55: Feeling increasingly annoyed that this concert is still, somehow, inconceivably, unstoppably still going on?? Someone needs to put a stop to this, it’s almost nine, if this runs over their scheduled time slot I’m going to be... miffed... Gonna be real miffed about this... Just let me go home, I mean, I like staying here late so stay as long as you want, but, like, oh oh--!! OH OKAY THEY’RE ENDING NOW OKAY sick wow sorry for the rant wow jeez okay

[shamelessly4shameless-blog]

Nickovich. (pt 1)

NEW FIC!!! So I have never tried a crossover before but these two could be fricken amazing so here I go ... Imagine if when Mickey escaped prison, whilst he tries to meet up with Ian, he ends up meeting another fugitive - Nicky Nichols. I don’t know how long this one will be - it’s just for fun really so let me know what you think and I really hope you enjoy it :) Han xx

There is a scraping sound as the door is prised open. Mickey feigns sleep but his hand wraps tightly around the baseball bat, ready. A light is shone very briefly into the gloom of the van and then a bedraggled figure climbs in. Mickey gives them a moment to relax and then lunges. The intruder lets out a shriek as Mickey drags them down.

They tussle until Mickey manages to land a vicious body blow to the intruders gut. The figure curls protectively inwards as Mickey scrabbles to his feed and lifts up the bat, using it to jab the gasping huddle of clothes at his feet

“Get the fuck up and get the fuck out, asshole.”

There is a groan but no sign of movement and Mickey shakes his head impatiently.

“If I count to three and you’re still here, I’m gonna smash your fuckin’ head in with this bat. One … Two motherfucker, I ain’t jokin’ … Okay … Th...”

“Wait! Jesus! Wait!”

Mickey lowers the bat cautiously and squints downwards suspiciously

“Put your torch on.”

“What? Why?”

“Because the pissed guy with the steel bat aimed at your face is tellin’ you to.”

He snaps and after a second the little light comes on with a click illuminating the van. Wide brown eyes stare up at him, thickly ringed with patchy black eye-liner.

“You’re a chick?”

“And you’re a dick. So fucking what?”  

Mickey draws a heavy breath through his nose and lets it out in an impatient huff

“Wouldn’t have punched you so hard if I’d known. Not fuckin’ pregnant are you?”

“Probably not any more.”

The young woman quips and then grins at Mickey’s horrified expression

“Just fuckin’ with you, handsome.”

Mickey bites his lip and almost smiles but pushes it away

“Alright, good. Now fuck off.”

“Hey, c’mon. It’s a damn typhoon out there! Can’t I stay a little bit?”

“No.”

Mickey says bluntly.

“I got a beer. I’ll share it with ya.”

She pulls a can out of her pocket and wiggles it at him enticingly. Mickey tries to snatch it and she clutches it to her chest reproachfully

“Hey!”

“Bitch, consider it fuckin’ payment for scratchin’ up my van.”

“Your van is a piece of shit. I broke in because I thought there is no way anyone actually still owns this hunk of junk.”

“Well someone does fuckin’ own it, and you ain’t stayin’.”

Mickey lights a cigarette, his eyes flicking toward the young woman who is watching the smoke curl with an almost blissful longing on her face. He snorts quietly and offers her the pack.

“Want one?”

“Oh! God bless you!”

She grasps for the packet but Mickey snatches it back, cocking an eyebrow at her.

“Okay, sure, I get it … you wanna share?”

She smiles, an infectious grin that makes Mickey smile back despite himself. Her smile reminds him of someone but he can’t place it. She huffs out a breath and gestures to the world outside, a flippant gesture that hides her desperation well.

“Maybe by the time we’re done with our picnic the rain will stop, huh?”

“You wanna fuckin’ hope so.”

Mickey grunts, stooping beside his flimsy blow up mattress and picking up a used paper coffee cup and holding it out for her to fill. She does so carefully, measuring the half by tilting the can to her ear judiciously. It is a fair minded thing to do and Mickey feels a twinge of something close to liking.

“You wanna trade names too?”

“Not really.”

“Well I do! I gotta appeal to your better nature and hostage one-o-one, get your captor to know your name so they see you like a human and like you more.”

“Bitch, I ain’t your captor.”

Mickey gives her a frustrated look and shakes his head, sipping his beer.

“Sure you’re more like an anti-captor but whatever, my name is Nicky.”

Mickey gives her a flat eyed stare, though he doesn’t care to explain exactly why that annoys him so much. Mickey and Nicky? Bitch definitely ain’t staying now.

“Nichols. Nicky Nichols.”

“Alright, fuck you. That is not a real fucking name.”

“Uh … yeah it is.”

“Bullshit.”

Mickey scoffs, downing the rest of his beer.

Nicky Nichols? What kind of shitty, weird, double-sounding name is that?

“Hey, if I was gonna make up a name, it would be a lot more imaginative that. I’d be like … Lorna … Reznikov.”

Nicky frowns at the can of beer in her hand and shakes her head sadly

“Okay, that wasn’t fuckin’ imaginative at all. I just took the first name of my bat-shit crazy ex and stuck it with the last name of my prison Mom. Sorry.”

Her apology is weirdly genuine for something Mickey couldn’t give two fucks about and he begins to wonder if they woman sitting in his van is mentally ill.

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

“So what’s your name?”

Mickey licks his lip and looks away dismissively

“C’mon, if you don’t tell me, I’m gonna name you like a pet and you look like a wet possum so it’s not gonna be a great name.”

“A fuckin’ possum?”

“Yeah, you got those angry little dark eyes and pale, pointy face.”

Mickey touches his nose self-consciously before dropping his hand and glaring at her.

“You suck at makin’ people like you. You ever get kidnapped, they’re gonna kill you real fuckin’ quick.”

Nickey laughs and punches his arm affectionately

“Hey, I didn’t say you aren’t handsome – you are, if I was even a tiny bit hetro I’d be all over you – but you might wanna get some rouge or somethin’ cause you’re pale as fuck.”

“You look like a scrawny panda in a raggedy ass, dollar store tranny wig.”

Mickey snaps, he’s tired and it has taken him a minute to think of an insult but this is a pretty good one, the sort of thing that would make Mandy spit at him.

“Yeah? Fuck. Good job I won’t be sleeping rough tonight or I’ll look even shittier tomorrow.”

Nicky gives him another one of those smiles and the word ‘adorable’ pops into Mickey’s head unbidden. Ian. Of course that is who it reminds him of! Who else does Mickey know with a smile like that? The kind of smile that seems to come from a natural well of happiness and self-assurance that even the most trying of circumstances can’t completely suck dry.

He doesn’t immediately tell her to fuck off so Nicky shuffles back into the van a little way. She tugs a sweater that is on the floor across her lap like a blanket and gives Mickey a plaintive stare

“Seriously, man, whoever you are, whatever your name is, I have no where else to go tonight. I’m not gonna rob you or snore or any annoying shit. I just need to sleep somewhere relatively safe in this crazy fuckin’ city.”

Mickey pushes a hand through his hair, it’s too long but he hasn’t had a chance to cut it yet and he needed it to look different for the escape.

“I could be some psycho rapist. If this is your idea of safe, you’re pretty fucked up.”

“Yeah, no, really, I am. But I’m not the worst judge of people and you seem the nice side of shitty so please? Can I stay?”

For the first time, her lip trembles a little and the tough façade cracks ever so slightly. She looks suddenly very tired and very small and Mickey thinks of Mandy, somewhere in Indiana most likely, but if things have gone so fuckin’ awful that she were in a random van with a random guy, wouldn’t Mickey want to think she might catch a break?

“Steal my shit or try to stab me or any fuckin’ bullshit like that, I’ll cut your tits off.”

His voice is gruff but he hands her another cigarette and a packet of jerky.

“Understood.”

Nicky nods and claps her hands earnestly before her, looking up at him with huge dark eyes before accepting his offerings.

She rummages in her bag and comes up with a small bottle of vodka which she holds out to Mickey

“Sharing, right?”

“Thanks.”

Mickey raises his eyebrows at the unexpected treat and gives her a genuine smile

“Awww! Shit! See, when you smile – WAY less possum! More adorable puppy.”

Mickey snorts and raises his middle finger in salute.

“Don’t push it, Nichols.”

“Hey! You believe me about my shitty name!”

Mickey shrugs and stretches back on the airbed, he doesn’t mind sharing his shelter but he’s not giving up his bed.

“It’s weird as hell, but sure why not.”

The vodka is warming it’s way down his throat and spreading across his chest before settling comfortably in his belly. It makes him feel so much better than he has in weeks, drinking with a … well, not a friend, but someone who has a decent fuckin’ sense of humour at least.

They sit in silence for a little while, passing the bottle back and forth and then Nicky clears her throat.

“I gotta be honest with you about something. I’m on the run, I’m putting it out there because in hindsight it was a dumb thing to do to give you my name and I would appreciate you not yelling it from the rooftops.”

“Not my business what you’re doin’. I can keep my mouth shut.”

Mickey shrugs and stifles a yawn.

“Yeah you don’t really seem to be much of a chatter box.”

Nicky rolls onto her side and points her torch directly at Mickey’s face

“You running away from a crappy marriage?”

“What? Why? I’m not … hey, get that fuckin’ light out of my face.”

Mickey frowns as Nicky obligingly angles the light away from him.

“No I’m not running away from a crappy marriage. I got divorced from my crappy marriage. Last year.”

“Ha! I was kidding but shit! Interesting. You don’t look old enough to have been married long enough for it to be crappy.”

Mickey laughs and bites his lip hard to try and stop it but the vodka has done a number on him and he feels like a soap bubble of words is making it’s way up from his gut and there is nothing he can do to stop it. He doesn’t even want to! He’s been alone far too long.

“Married a hooker I knocked up when my Dad caught me banging the red-head kid I worked with. I was eighteen I think. Anyway, that was a whole fuckin’ disaster cause he was banging her too and I think the kid is mine but I don’t really know … I mean it doesn’t fuckin’ matter now but yeah. Wasn’t great.”

Nicky is looking at him with a peculiar mixture of amusement, respect and sorrow and Mickey shrugs to himself.

“I’m here for the red-head. I miss him.”

“Oh man. You’re love sick.”

Nicky puffs out her lower lip sympathetically and passes the vodka back to him

“That sucks, dude.”

“Yeah. I mean, he’s a handful you know? He’s got the bi-polar, got it from his Mom, makes him fuckin’ crazy to be around and he won’t take his meds properly cause he’s stubborn as fuck.”

Nicky grins at the obvious pride in his voice as her new acquaintance says this and she raises a stick of jerky in salute.

“I got one of those too – not the bi-polar but an equally infuriating kind of unpredictable crazy. She won’t take meds for it either, thinks she doesn’t need them. Suuuure! Great! Don’t fuckin’ take ‘em, I’ll just hang around waiting to scoop up the pieces.”

Nicky throws her hands dramatically wide and Mickey almost chokes in his eagerness to agree

“Fuckin’ right! You know, I don’t even mind that because it’s not his fault but a little gratitude? You know? Maybe, like, ‘thank you for putting up with my shit’ rather than telling me my bitch ex-wife had to pay him to come and fuckin’ visit. Asshole.”

Mickey shakes his head irritably and then sighs, rubbing his face roughly with his palms.

“But I love him. And I’m an asshole too, so fuck it. What can I do?”

Nicky moves closer to him and puts a tentative hand on his denim clad knee

“You can try until you can’t try any more. Then you have to walk away before you kill him or kill yourself. It sucks, but it’s true, kid.”

Mickey worries at a hangnail beside his thumb and mumbles

“I don’t want my life without him in it though.”

“Sometimes that’s not our call. Chin up, kid. If he’s smart and if he deserves you, he’ll sort his shit out and the two of you can drive off into the sunset in this rusty tin can.”

Mickey is sinking under the dual weight of booze and exhaustion but he manages a half smile and a vague ‘Fuck you.’ before he is completely submerged.