#I updated this to be less mopey and be more clear and concise

[theramblingsofadork]

⋆｡°✩ Mini Update: ⋆｡°✩

UPDATED: Hey. So I’m not back yet, but I did want to deeply apologize for being so emo and cringe in my last two posts. Like— yikes. I feel very embarrassed I posted all of that, and admit I probably have some deeper issues I need to work through.

(_ _ 💧

While the feelings expressed were (are) still very real, I hate looking back and seeing myself being that internet person who brings down the mood to such a depressing degree like that. I may be going through a rough time IRL which doesn’t help my confidence, but even so. This was supposed to be a happy account, with happy things, and it’s my bad that it didn’t remain that way. ✋ I’m going to do my best if I go forward to not do that any more.

In other news.. in my short time away already, I did manage to successfully pin down exactly why I was having such frustrations. And the clarity helps a lot. (You’re welcome to skip the next half if you want.)

1. I’ve felt very isolated and like I will never be able to fit into in this fandom for almost a year now.

— As someone who is used to being open about my interests and often hangs out in group chats with other fans, this is the first time I’ve felt isolated because of my hyperfixation on Starline and my want to write his redemption story. Almost everyone was cold or uninterested after hearing my excitement over him, and for a while I didn’t understand why.

Then I read Imposter Syndrome. And I understood. They’re very valid for hating him.

However, my hyperfixation over him didn’t go away, nor did my desire to write out a happier ending for him and my OC. A better ending where they could both be happy and become better people.

But with hatred over people with certain favorite characters being rampant in the fandom at the time, I was sure my happy end AU would make people come for me too. That they would think I was a morally bad person and should be ashamed for ever daring to consider shipping Rivet with him, much LESS give him a happy ending on top of that.

So, I was pressured to isolate and keep everything a secret, even from my friends. Make a new account where I was practically unknown. Where I could write my story and draw my fluffy art without having to worry about nuking my main if it all blew up in my face. And it worked for a time!

2. But then, I began to fear not meeting fan expectations.

— I was nervous but tentatively excited when people started noticing and liking my art and the AU. Surely his fans could enjoy this story! I wanted to make you all proud, and do Starline justice at the same time!

…But, I soon realized that I got some things about Starline’s personality wrong in the story. And suddenly, a new fear blossomed. A fear that if I ‘butchered’ his character in any way, or took away that haughty, arrogant confidence people adore him for, (even if it was for a good ending!) that his fans would start to turn on or give me a cold shoulder too.

*(Seeing as I was in a very bad spot at the time, with the AU being the only patch of happiness in my life, that thought terrified me. (And yes, I know it’s sad if an AU is the only positive thing someone has going for them, but we all do whatever we can to keep going.)

So, I’ve tried to quietly change things from what I envisioned to hopefully please the few consistent regulars I had who most likely had a specific vision of where I was going. Tried to gauge reactions based on my few likes, (or lack of likes), and adjust things accordingly, even if it made me more stressed. :’^)

…Needless to say, it… hasn’t worked out very well lol. I still did the exact thing I didn’t want to do, and have made a massive fool of myself. ^^; I’m big enough to admit it.

Honestly, I think… if I had just been brave enough to stick with my original story and not been afraid to be OOC or of people’s opinions on my writing, we probably wouldn’t be here now. In this awkward “should I stay or go” stage. But, we all live and learn. 🎸

Which, of course leads us to the present. Where does this leave us?

I still don’t know.

My revisions to make this into a story I think the fandom would prefer aren’t working, and I’m not sure my brain’s going to be able to come up with anything that will.

I still love the concept though, and will fight to the death to give Starline a better ending, so don’t think I’m ready to hit the delete button on this account yet.

…Nor am I sure if I have the guts to just write him OOC so the story can work.

(Honestly— you brilliant people out there who write crazy, dramatically different AUs and have no fear about it, I give you kudos. Y’all are legendary. ✨)

So for now, I’ll go return to my shadows and work on other things. Maybe focus on my characters’ canon for a bit, or take up fishing with Big and go live in the tundra as a monk instead. 🤣 Who knows? The future is wild.

If you’ve somehow made it this far, thanks. If I come back, I’ll try my best to make sure I make up for all this and just do the fun art you came here for.

Till next time~ 🍵