#I understand if you wanna believe Brendon Urie is a bad person but please don’t reblog my posts saying he is | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dirty-urie · 3 years

Text

McBrendon

Second Person

Brendon x Female Reader

Unspecified Era

Smut Oneshot

NC-17

3.2k Words

Warnings in order of appearance: RPF, language throughout, not pre-discussed roleplay scene, medical roleplay and language, sex

Author's Notes:

So, basically, I was re-watching Grey's Anatomy, and I was like, "What if Brendon was here?" and then this was born. I have no idea if someone who's never watched Grey's Anatomy would understand or appreciate this, but basically what I think you need to know is that Derek Shepherd and Mark Sloan are sexy manwhores (in the earier seasons), and a common recurring joke in the earlier seasons of the show is putting "Mc" in front of adjectives to describe love interests. The fic is supposed to be more silly than sexy, but maybe it's sexy too, I don't really know.

"Wait, what about those two?" He asks, and you sigh exasperatedly.

"Brendon, just assume that all of the doctors on the Doctor Sex Show have slept together. That's the whole point."

He groans and slumps back in his chair, "Remind me why we have to watch this overdramatic doctor smut in the theater? The theater should be a sacred space for Disney movies or action movies with boobies and explosions, not 'ohhhh does McCreamy only like Natalie because she hooked up with Appendectomy?.'"

"It's my week on laundry duty, and whoever's folding laundry gets to watch whatever they want wherever they want. That's the rules, but you can go watch something in the living room or on your computer or on your phone if you don't like it," you offer, trying to get rid of him. You love Brendon, you love him so much, but sometimes you need to sit in the dark and fold laundry with no other noises except your soapy little doctor show.

"Fine. The men of the house are going to go watch something manly, don't bother us. Come on, Bogart!"

Brendon's little Jack Russell turns to look at you as if asking to stay, but you pat his back and send him off to go snuggle with his dad. You don't think you could handle Brendon's betrayed gasps if you let Bogart finish the episode with you. You and Penny will be fine ogling at Patrick Dempsey while file-folding Brendon's 68 pairs of gray and black sweatpants alone. Brendon kisses your cheek before he leaves. "Have fun with the boobs and explosions, babe," you tell him on his way out of the room.

"Oh, you know I will!"

•••

Two weeks later, it's your turn to fold laundry again, and you're back to watching Grey's, this time in the living room. The dogs are sitting next to you, eyes glued to the screen. Brendon's also in the room, bitching about "introducing this drivel into our home," but you're ignoring him because you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

He finally quiets down, and you appreciate the five minutes of peace. Until… "Are you unsatisfied with our sex life?" He asks out of the blue.

You're taken completely aback for a second before you scramble to pause the tv. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what? Where did this come from?" you ask him. What the fuck? Is he unsatisfied with your sex life?

"Well, we haven't had sex in weeks practically." Three days actually. It's been three days, but you don't interrupt him. "And you keep watching this sexy doctor show, so I don't know, maybe you're feeling like a bored housewife," Brendon explains.

You laugh at him, and he looks offended. "You're overthinking it, baby boy. It's just a show! Sure, the sexual tension between the entire hospital and Mark Sloan is spicy and exciting, but I'm not trying to compensate for anything lacking in my life. If anything, all that spice just translates into better sex for both of us. Okay?"

He looks very skeptical. "Hm, sure. I totally believe you."

You don't necessarily think you properly got your point across to him, but Meredith just made another bad decision, and you need to see how it pans out. "Okay, great, now go watch a manly show with Bogs in our room if you're going to keep whining."

Brendon does not, in fact, go into your room to watch a manly show on his laptop. Instead, he and Bogart start watching season 1 of Grey's Anatomy, immediately getting highly invested in the lives of the ambitious-yet-messy surgical interns. He's trying to figure out what exactly appeals to you about the show.

•••

It's his turn to fold the clothes, and he's doing it wrong, but you're resisting the urge to do it for him because you're a feminist, damnit. He's still letting you watch Grey's Anatomy because he's a doll (and you don't know this, but he's also become a bit of a fan.)

"Do you think I'm more a Mark Sloan or a Derek Shepherd?" He asks.

You scoff, "You're a George."

"I am not! I'm way sexier than George!"

"You're just jealous because I'm an Addison."

"Pshh, you're a Bailey. You wanna know how I know?" He asks.

"Fine. Tell me." You give in.

"You desperately want to correct my laundry technique."

•••

"Meet me in the on-call room in five," Brendon whispers against the back of your neck while you're drying the dishes from dinner. What is this man doing? "Meet you where?" You ask, but he's already walked away. You're not sure whether to actually wait the five minutes or just try to go find him.

You give him three minutes before going to the bedroom. You honestly don't know what you were expecting, but it wasn't Brendon laying on his side in the middle of your bed, shirtless under a white coat. He has on a pair of navy blue scrub pants that aren't particularly flattering, but they still look nice on him.

"Explain to me what's happening here, homie," you tell him.

"I'm being sexy for you! So sexy! I'm Dr. Brendon "McKinky" Urie, I'm a general surgery attending, but my real specialty is pleasure."

You visibly cringe for him. "You're a McDoofus, and your real specialty is probably malpractice."

He pouts. "Play along. Come on. Please? Be Dr. Y/N Sexy."

You roll your eyes. "Why do you get your real last name, but I'm Dr. Sexy?"

"Because we're not married in this fantasy! We're both cheating on our spouses but not in a tragic way, in a sexy way! Come on! Let yourself have fun," he pleads.

You feel yourself start to cave. "Fine, I'll play along, but I'm stopping this the minute I feel weird, okay?"

"Of course. And, babe, if you don't want to do this, you absolutely do not have to," he says, serious now.

"No, no, Brendon. I'm down for this. I think you're a total goof for doing it, but I trust you."

He brightens, "Great! Now it's time for your examination." He waggles his eyebrows, climbing off the bed and gesturing for you to take his place.

"Exam? Am I a patient? Why am I in the on-call room if I'm a patient?" You ask.

"Doctors need exams too, y'know. We're both doctors, but I don't know, you need a routine exam for like moles or something. Take your clothes off." He says, and you take a split-second to be grateful that Brendon got discovered for his musical talents and will therefore never be an actual doctor.

You stifle back your laughter and strip down to your underwear, lying on your back on top of the white sheet he put over the comforter to protect the bed from any potential messes. He stands over you next to the bed, and you're happy that you at least get to stare at his body during this little experiment. The whole "doctor" thing may not be driving you wild on its own, but your half-naked husband always will.

"Thank you for coming to this appointment, Dr. Y/N Sexy," he says. Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh, you chant in your head. "First," he says, making his voice husky, "I need to test your reflexes." Something tells you he won't be using one of those little hammers. He bends down and breathes against your neck. You shiver, and goosebumps appear on your arms. You're glad you wore your front clasp bra when he unclips it and has immediate access to your breasts. He circles around your nipple with his finger, and they harden quickly. "Mmm, good reflexes indeed. Very responsive," he purrs. "I don't think your test results are conclusive yet. You should keep going," you encourage. He rubs your scalp, and your head rolls back. You're worried that you'll start drooling.

Brendon smirks at you a little, and his smugness is slightly infuriating. Yes, you like him touching you, but that hardly proves that his weird roleplaying was a good idea. "Just like I observed, fantastic reflexes. But I now must move on to the chest exam." He rests his head on your chest, and you're beginning to suspect that this whole thing was just a ploy to touch your boobs a lot. "Is your heart rate always this fast or just when your hot coworker is touching you?"

"Normally only my husband, also named Brendon… for some reason, can get me so worked up, but now I'm thinking of leaving him for you, McCrinkly."

"It's McKinky, and your husband sounds gorgeous and super smart. You should keep him around," he says, climbing onto you and groping your breasts. "In my professional opinion, these are nice tits."

You have to bite your lip to resist the urge to laugh again. You wouldn't quite say you're aroused, but you are having fun at least. "Okay, okay, doc. Enough of the preliminary exam; I need five and a half inches, stat."

"You couldn't round up to six while we're playing!?"

"Oh, come on, you're lucky I rounded up to five and a half!"

"Rude! So rude!"

You kiss him to shut him up. "Sorry, baby, I won't bully you anymore. Now, how about a cervical exam?" You suggest, craving his thickness inside you.

That cheers him up. Brendon resumes his doctor roleplay. "First, let me complete the dermatological examination. If you could remove your undergarments, please."

You throw your bra on the floor and take off your underwear.

He admires the small amount of newly-exposed skin. "So many marks on your breasts and pubic region. Did your hot husband leave these too, or should I investigate for a skin condition?" He asks, ducking between your thighs to add some more.

"Yeah, he left them there. My sexy husband is kind of the best, but enough about him," you say.

New dark spots pop up after he finally moves his mouth from the sensitive skin of your thighs. "Oops, I think I just burst a couple of capillaries."

Well, someone did some light googling. "Do you think I'll make it?" You ask, faking drama.

"Yes, but you'll need someone to pay lots of attention to the area between your thighs."

He never mastered the art of subtly, did he? "I don't think that will be an issue. My husband will be thrilled."

"Great, that's taken care of. Shall we commence with the cervical exam then?" He asks, rolling off you to tug off his scrubs and underwear. He keeps his dumb coat on, which is more goofy than sexy without clothes underneath, but you don't tell him that. "And we can test your motor skills at the same time. Hands and knees, please."

You obey, and he moves behind you to enter you. He pushes into you quickly and hard, just like you like it. "God, there's so much blood in my, hm, um corpus cavernosum… I think," he says.

"Your what? Are you trying to cast a Harry Potter spell? because that's a whole different roleplay," You crane your neck back to see him, and your eyes widen. "Brendon, are you," you need to pause to choke back your laughter, "are you reading from a flashcard? While inside me?"

He's on his knees behind you, squinting at a white notecard. He flips the card over and reads from it, "the corpus cavernosum is, um, the main erectile tissue in the genitals. So, uh, I was trying to say that I'm hard for you."

That's it, you can't contain your laughter. You can't even bear to look at Brendon without cracking up. Tears are streaming down your face. He hisses, and you think it's because you've upset him, but you turn back to look at him, and he's biting his lip, his head tilted back.

"Are you good, B?" You ask, a little worried.

He's breathing hard. "Yeah, just your laughing caused contractions around my cock, and I was not prepared. Felt good, just unexpected." He pulls almost all the way out and then jerks back in, not quite slamming but gearing up to it.

"Faster, please. Careful still, but faster," you request.

He speeds up perfectly, finally filling you up and relieving the ache inside you. You relish each time his hips meet your body, feeling close to him, even if the position isn't as intimate as he usually likes. You suppose successful Dr. Kinky, notorious womanizer, wouldn't necessarily want to make loving, passionate eye contact with all of his conquests.

"So, Dr. Kinky-"

"No, it's doctor Urie, McKinky."

Jesus, you need a script. "So, Dr. Urie, do you have enough energy after all those lobotomies or whatever to rub a girl's clit? I bet my husband, the other Brendon, would touch me."

"Well, I would never even bother to compete with such a stellar man, but I can still try to get you off." His hands move between your thighs to touch your cunt. "Oh no, so much excess fluid here. I hope nothing's wrong." He puts a finger on your throbbing clit and feigns a sigh of relief, "Good, I've found a pulse." His touch is feather-light as he slowly strokes you. The contrast between his fast, hard thrusts and delicate strokes somehow enhances both of his actions.

"Oh, that's nice," you moan.

"You mind if I have you roll over? I still have to test your flexibility, and I'd love to do that with your legs on my shoulders."

"Fuck yeah."

He pulls out, and you get on your back; he gets you ready by situating the pillows underneath you. You rest a leg on either shoulder, and he thrusts in again. You don't want to admit it to him, but you feel like you'll need to come soon. The spikes of pleasure pulsing between your legs have been getting stronger and closer together, and now that you can see what you do to him, rather than just hearing his occasional grunts, you feel even closer to crossing that finish line.

"I'm observing some rapid contractions, Sexy. Should I note in your chart how close you are to coming all over me? Because it seems to me that you're failing your stamina and endurance evaluation," Dr. Urie teases.

You close your eyes to try to eliminate a source of the arousal, but you still feel painfully close to the edge.

Brendon inadvertently shifts a bit, and that does it. Your arousal peaks intensely, and you try to restrain your reactions on the off chance he doesn't notice. However, you're pretty sure he does notice your orgasm when his movements slow to a stop, and that's confirmed when he outright says it. "You just came," he states. It's not a question.

You nod, not bothering to deny it.

He pulls out, and you finally get to see his still-hard cock soaked with your wetness. "Well I suppose, we can run… further tests to reach a full diagnosis," he practically croons, pulling his scrub pants back on, and a wave of lust spreads from your stomach. Fine, the doctor thing is a little hot. "It's up to you though, I defer to your professional opinion."

"I think my exam is complete, actually, but I know you've been complaining of some pain in this region," you give his crotch a quick squeeze. "Do you mind stripping so I can investigate?"

He immediately takes off his coat, obviously excited, and gives it to you, so you put it on. "So, can you describe the pain?" You ask, putting a hand on his thigh.

"Kind of an ache, I guess?"

You squeeze his thigh, "And you'd say the pain is mainly here?"

"No, uh, um, to the right."

You squeeze his other thigh, "Oh, I see, right here?"

"No, not, um, my thigh."

"Sorry, I understand." You lay your hand flat on his stomach, still carefully avoiding his cock. "Your stomach must be hurting."

"Still not quite."

You clench your jaw in fake frustration. "Well, could you just show me where you need my attention, Doctor Urie?"

He shoves down his pants and grasps his leaking cock, groaning in relief when he starts to tentatively touch himself.

"Yes, very good, thank you. Would you say the ache subsides with stimulation?" You ask professionally.

Brendon nods and smirks a bit, "Yeah, you could say that."

"Well, I think you just need to achieve ejaculation," you diagnose.

"Is that, ah, covered under my insurance?" He asks cheekily, still jerking himself.

You laugh, going to dig the lubricant out, "Okay," you nudge his hand away, "leave this to the professionals." You pour the clear lube into your hand. "This may be a bit cold," you warn. He doesn't really need the lube, he's both leaking profusely and still slick from being inside you, but you want to keep up the "doctor vibes." You grasp him firmly and stroke quickly, trying to get him off as soon as you can. You kind of want to use your mouth, but you can't think of a good reason to within the roleplay. That's mostly fine, though, because you can tell he's about to come.

He comes all over your hand without warning a minute or so later. He shudders and groans, spurting twice more. You didn’t realize how worked up he was. Of course, you saw how hard he was, but to come this much from just jerking him off means he was really turned on. "Outstanding sperm production, sir," you say, crudely wiping him up with a tissue.

"Okay, no more doctor talk. My brain is too mushy," he groans.

You take off the coat and get into bed, cuddling against him. "If your brain is mushy, you probably should see a doctor."

He giggles. "So, would you do this again?"

You think for a second. "Well, I'd roleplay with you again, but you have to warn me next time. And probably not the doctor thing again. It was hot playing with you, but thinking about actual medical procedures is not my thing."

He yawns, "Noted about the warning you next time, and that's too bad. I was really looking forward to the oral exam. How big is your mouth? How's your swallow technique?" He says, half-jokingly.

"Hey, don't push it, or we're doing a prostate exam, and due to budget cuts to the hospital, we're going to be low on lubricant."

He cringes, "Point taken. I don't need a doctor roleplay; the next time I want a blowjob, I'll just ask."

You get out of bed and put on your pajamas. "Well, if it's in the next 45 minutes, your request is getting denied because Penny Lane, Bogart, and I are watching the real Grey's Anatomy in the theater while you're still too weak to complain about it. And this is a good time to tell you that my character is not actually a medical doctor. I have a PHD in film studies. I’m a fraud.”

His mouth drops open, "You're telling me that wasn't an official medical handjob?!"

"I trust that you'll get over this. Love you, babe."

He scowls but still mutters a quiet, “I love you too.”

#brendon urie smut #brendon urie fanfiction #my work

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sadrien · 7 years

Text

me and my friends watched more miraculous. it continued to be a wild ride

part one

stuff that’s not in quotes is me, anything in quotes is one of my friends

(note: some nsfw stuff, including sex mentions this time)

copycat

“i think alya’s my favorite so far”

“alya’s thicc”

i like how she hides “that’s what i would do”

“i hope he hears it”

[if he does i’ll die of shame] “me”

“[adrien]’s a sexy beast”

[it’s locked!] “no SHIT it’s called a LOCKer”

[what does ladybug see in him?] “god only knows”

“i love how i relate to the butterflies because they’re all like on the ground around him, but when they see the harsh light of day they all *hisses*”

[the thought makes me puuurrrr] “*shudders* can we NOT”

[of course adrien would own a high tech phone] mari you do too “pfff yeah it’s right there”

“why won’t this thing come off? because it’s extra”

[transforms] “extra”

“*points to chat* yellow”

(more copycat, as well as dark cupid, pixelator, animan, darkblade, the pharaoh, timebreaker, and the gamer under the cut)

[police hit shields] “*snorts* why was that necessary?” “they’re french”

“*to her pet cat* you are a cat. but you are not a black cat. you are a cat i love very much.”

“BUGABOO! that was so cute”

“[chat]’s so golden”

[gets handcuffed] “rough life”

(i can’t believe they didn’t comment more on the handcuffs honestly)

“i feel like i’m watching power rangers”

“hey siobhan. adrien’s pretty flexible” “sexy beast” “and marinette’s pretty flexible.” “kinky sex.” both of you need to stop

“now it’s pokemon”

“chat noir is my favorite pokemon”

“awww chAT LOVES HER” “SADRIEN”

“i’m so invested in this show it’s not even funny.”

dark cupid

“i didn’t know mario characters were in this”

god he is really yellow “i told you. he has like a golden glow”

“i love that little bean” [tikki]

“i love that cat” [plagg] “i love adrien he needs a hug” “i love everyone in this show. except chloe”

“bitch” “[chloe]’s so meaaaaaan. why do people have to be so mean”

“look it’s mothman” “mothman! i don’t even know his real name anymore” hawk moth “mothman!”

“i hate that word [evilize]” you told us. several times. “good cause i hate it.”

“HAH!” “HAH! miraculous is my favorite anime” “she sounds like when tortoises have sex”

[chat gets hit] “NO” “uh oh” “NO NO THEY’RE IN LOVE”

“tea you know how sensitive i am i’m tearing up”

“adrien is sad enough hE DOESN’T NEED THIS”

“they’re in love you can’t do this to them”

“tea you don’t understand how hard i’m try not to cry right now. i’m not kidding”

“this is a show for six year olds and i’m crying”

“did [chloe] just scream daddy? how about we don’t”

“tea if they kiss i’m gonna actually cry”

[get back you savage] “ME” “me when my boyfriend’s trying to kiss me”

[chloe falls] “don’t hurt her. i hate her but— don’t hurt her” “literally just kill her”

[ladybug ties chat to lamppost] “christian gray?” “spiderman?”

“me trying to get a boy to kiss me”

[bugeyes] “THATS REALLY SAD BECAUSE HE CALLS HER BUGABOO I HATE THIS SHOW”

“tea this is really sad because i’m going to go home and read fanfiction about this” uh funny story

“let’s play a game called let’s guess tea’s fan fiction”

[and now for the pussycat] “and now for the pussy” “stop”

[kiss] “WAHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHHHAHAAAAAAAA”

“he doesn’t remember and i’m upset”

“*crying* they’re in lOVE”

“alright tea that’s fine. just get me into a show for six year olds and make me cry”

“tea does he not remember” nope “fuckING”

[pound it] “pound each other”

[ladybug leaves before chat tells her he loves her] “nooooo NOOOO he was gonna tell her that he loves her. i hate everything”

they’re like fifteen “they’re CUTE”

[the card isn’t signed] “ARE YOU KIDDING ME” “*disappointed sigh*” “ARE YOU KIDDING ME. SHHHFFFFFF *face down on floor crying*”

hey look it’s the kiss “SIOBHAN YOU’RE MISSING IT” “*looks up and screams*”

“i wanna die. i hate you tea”

“looks to me with tears in eyes* THIS IS AS BAD AS TINKERBELL. I’M LITERALLY CRYING. I’M ACTUALLY CRYING. TEA”

“tea i hate you this SUCKS”

“they’re like victor and yuuri but straight” “*in a terrible russian accent* HELLO YUURI”

(they literally won’t stop crying)

pixelator

“caitlyn shut up” “i’m not kidding actual tears are coming out of my eyes”

[daddyyyyy] “stop saying that”

[jagged stone appears] “oh my GOD”

“tea i’m never gonna forgive you”

“i love that crocodile. can i have a crocodile” no “FANG HAS A CROCODILE” FANG IS THE CROCODILE

“EAT HIM”

“for some reason [stalker person] kind of reminds me of markiplier”

his outfit’s interesting, but whose isn’t? “you mean the condom man?”

“ohhhhh i get it. gopher. go FOR. i’m so smart”

“can i have one of those small children [kwami]” no??? “why not look at it’s little face!”

“now he REALLY looks like markiplier”

“ok [chloe]’s hair changes color like every episode”

[adrien gets zapped] “dammit. no. NO”

“he’s goLDEN”

[to chloe] “stoP TOUCHING HIM”

“[tikki] has a small tail. i love that”

“i love that— why can’t i have a crocodile”

“i love owl man” [the principal]

“you’re safe with owl man”

[chloe speaks] “shut up. stop touching ADRIEN”

[friend’s mom: what the hell?] “it’s a show for six year olds

“i love that crocodile”

“look that BEAN” [plagg]

“i love that. i’ve never actually watched his transformation but he goes like that and his ears pop up and love that”

“the fans mess everything up”

[plays piano] “brendon urie is that you”

animan

“LOOK ANIMAN! miraculous is my favorite anime”

“please tell me [nino]’s going up to alya” nope “*disappointed sigh*”

“this is literally midsummer night’s dream”

[mari and adrien bump heads] “KISS”

“i feel like there are just people hiding in the showers— i mean—“ “hiding in the showers?” “yes the shadows”

“i love that, every time she talks there’s a little emoji”

“oh my god i love [max and kim]. they’re in love”

“i love this so much”

“once my brother almost got eaten by a panther”

[tell her that i love you marinette] “WAHHHHHHH”

“is that an elephant? what the fuck?”

why is this show so extra “why is your life so extra?”

they’re locked in a cage together “sex” “christian gray” “christian gray is that you” i hate you both

[ladybug scratches under chat’s chin] “yes.....YES”

“neither of [her parents] have blue eyes” “yeah that’s a little annoying” *science talk*

“i love him. i want to marry chat.”

[chat: couldn’t he have chosen a slower moving animal?] “ME”

“if i had an animorph, i’d be a platypus” “i hate you so much. ....i think i’d be a wolf. a lone wolf. because i hate people.”

apparently i’d be a koala

“it’s gonna be tight *wiggles eyebrows*”

i can’t believe she pulled down a dinosaur “same”

“i feel like….adrien has been traumatized by that”

*friend misses hug* “awww yoU YOU MISSED IT!” “what happened to your—“ “REWIND YOU PIECE OF SHIT”

[hug] “AWWWWWW he loves her”

darkblade

remember when i was going to be productive today? *both turn to stare at me* ok stop judging me

[knights people] “YES”

“that was extra”

“he sounds like a really bad shakespeare actor”

[chat falls backwards off bridge] “me” me “me too chat”

“what is his name? darkbrain?”

“yes, take [chat]. and bring him to me”

“there are literally windows they could smash through”

“until the barricaaaades arriiiiiiive”

[dark blade stars destroying paris] “that’s cute” “that’s my life”

“when you realize that’s probably the best visual representation of depression you can get”

(after this we watched the pharaoh but we kept the commentary to a minimal because we’d been watching a lot and were tired. also they were getting really into it)

timebreaker

(mostly soft and quiet commentary for this one)

“this poor woman who just wanted her stupid cake. like honestly? she just needed a cake”

[chat gets hit] “uh oh. NOOOOOO BABY. BAAAABBBYYYYYY”

“this show makes me want to die”

“the only thing i don’t like about this show is the transformations. and the fact that it makes me want to cry”

the gamer

“did he just say inconceivable”

“PAPA PAPA I DO NOT UNDERSTAND”

he’s literally just a triangle “who’s just a triangle? oh him? what the hell?”

“*whispers* they’re on a date”

“did he just say do a barrel roll? i hate him”

“this reminds me of the thing from the incredibles”

“this is my type of episode. but like really extra”

“the height difference between them is my happiness”

(obviously we talked less toward the end as we lost steam and got more invested. but they said they wouldn’t watch anymore without me, so i’ll be there when they watch origins....)

#bon and cat react to ladybug #miraculous ladybug #why are they like this

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